“Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”

4 Sep

I write to void myself of the thoughts I cannot bear to keep.

My mother seizing off her bed on a cool April morning.

Pictures of me, naked as a child on someone’s bedroom wall.

My father, drunk at 2am, pissing on my bedroom door, and the loathing I felt as I swore and screamed at him, my sympathy defeated by my fatigue with life.

Burying my mother. A coffin in the hard ground, my sobbing echoing across the gravestones. The tears I cried at that grave.

Realizing I wasn’t what my biological mother wanted or needed in a daughter.

Watching someone murder kittens, being too young to know how to stop him. Being so desperate for contact, some sort of friendship that I likely wouldn’t have stopped him if I could have.

Realizing a friend was trying to kill herself, listening to her life drip from her mouth on the phone. Getting there just in time. Explaining to a friend’s 3 year old sister why Gisele was in the hospital, and why I was crying.

Crying. So many tears. So much time, lost and wasted. So many years I spent tired and sad, wrapped up in the memories of days I cannot change, people I cannot affect, events I cannot alter. I cannot take my innocence back, I cannot wipe clean those pictures. I cannot erase the hundreds of little ways to grieving, lonely people hurt each other. I cannot take back my stupidity or helplessness. I cannot be strong enough.

Slowly, I begin to realize I never could be.

I write because my life begs to be written. Because my life should serve as something more than a reason for me to be depressed or angry. Because lessons learned should be shared.

Because I cannot stop myself.


16 Responses to ““Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.””

  1. Redsy September 4, 2007 at 2:53 pm #

    you are such an incredibly powerful writer. this post gave me (old tired sleep-deprived me) chills.


  2. mercurial scribe September 4, 2007 at 6:58 pm #

    Wish I knew what to say, how to respond to something that touched me in the recesses of my memory, that primal fear of a child, the rage of being unable to affect your situation.

    Powerful are the memories that haunt us.

  3. sweetsalty kate September 5, 2007 at 1:18 pm #

    I’m glad you don’t stop yourself. Why would you? Don’t ever.

  4. Netter September 5, 2007 at 4:19 pm #

    Your biological mother didn’t want any child at that time; she didn’t know you.

  5. thordora September 6, 2007 at 11:11 am #

    She didn’t want me the second time either.

  6. Redsy September 26, 2007 at 12:48 pm #

    Hi T,
    I’m nominating this post for September’s perfect post award…. So post the button on October 1st if you want…. I’ll email it to you

    Loved this post!

  7. xine September 30, 2007 at 3:34 pm #

    I came over from Redsy. This is truly a powerful post. I was fighting back my own tears while reading it. My mother passed away on November 26th of last year from dementia. I didn’t recognize the frail body in the hospital bed; nor the vacant eyes that stared at me. I can only hope she’s now at peace after a lifetime of pain and heartache.

    Thank you for sharing. XINE

  8. Mrs. Chicken September 30, 2007 at 3:39 pm #

    I don’t spend nearly enough time here with you. I am going to be here more often, bearing witness to this power you have. You are powerful.

  9. cryitout October 1, 2007 at 12:12 pm #

    Over from redsy and so glad I came. You have a gift.

  10. motherofbun October 1, 2007 at 3:03 pm #

    You gave me goosebumps. I’m so very sorry you’ve endured so much heartache and pain. My heart is with you.

  11. bananas October 7, 2007 at 12:11 pm #

    Thordora just came across this post while reading through Perfect Post awards and had to comment, even though I’m not sure what to say. You’re such an amazing writer. Powerful, powerful post.

  12. thordora October 7, 2007 at 1:03 pm #

    thanks all.

  13. James October 16, 2007 at 2:42 pm #

    Your writing has drawn me in. I like real people.

  14. Cara November 25, 2007 at 1:01 am #

    this is amazing. may i ask the full name of the author? i would like to use your writing as a reference. why aren’t you published? is this true? can you teach me how to write so amazingly well?
    i happened to catch this while looking for the “author” of the quote you start out with, I’m writing a short book of what writing is to me. kind of a picture/quote story book deal.
    you are so amazing!
    — Despretly trying to write in colorado


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