27 Aug

It’s been a weekend.

I feel spent, and empty. Exhausted, wondering why we do this to ourselves.

Wondering where my life is leading me.

I can’t help but worry incessantly about my job. (I don’t know if it’s normal paranoia, or what-but it’s there, and it hangs on me heavily) My children have suddenly gone from normal, relatively well behaved little dudes to rotten little rats who I want to drown.

That sounds horrible, but it’s true.

Bedtime is horrendous. 3 hours later, then might fall asleep. Everything ends in screaming-and how long is ok to let them yell? 30 minutes? A hour? All night? Should I reward the good behaviour, even if that seems to make them even worse?

I am so freaking tired of my children, of this life, of the unfailing worry that seems to come with this medication. I’d rather be crazy and not feel this stress. All these drugs are giving me are the things I never wanted-stress, and fear. I worry and worry and worry, and want to throw the bloody things out. I don’t normally feel these things.

I feel wrung out, wasted, used up, sore. I feel nothing.

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11 Responses to “”

  1. jen August 28, 2007 at 1:11 am #

    ouch. feeling trapped is a horrifying feeling. sounds like you need some options. or a break. something.

  2. Jenny R August 28, 2007 at 8:20 am #

    I understand this feeling. You have mentioned that you have worked there 7 years – your boss knows all – you have shown your loyalty to the company. It will work itself out. Can you talk with your boss – maybe that would help you with your feelings about work.

    I don’t know if this is up your alley…I took a class and bought a CD set from this company and I swear by it for helping me with my child especially during some difficult times. Friends and family of mine listened to the CD and it helped them. It is from loveandlogic.com.

    Keep writing – I think of you often.

  3. marcelarhodus August 28, 2007 at 8:25 am #

    could your kids be picking up on your stress from work and your tiredness?? I have noticed that when I’m down or really stressed my kids act out more, and once I start calming down they do as well, of course not as simple as that, but I’ve seen a corelation.
    I think it’s normal to worry about your job, specially cause you feel pressure lately with all things happening and all, but just keep on doing the best you can and moving forward, I’m sure things will smooth out, worplaces are stressful no matter what, that is why they pay you…

  4. bine August 28, 2007 at 9:10 am #

    i think it’s exactly that, i even think you wrote it yourself before.
    not much you can do about it, since you can’t just tell yourself not to be stressed (wouldn’t it be lovely if we all could?), except get as much quiet time as possible. i hope things get better at work, that would be a great relief.

  5. radicalmama August 28, 2007 at 10:12 am #

    It sounds like you need some quiet. Can you get away for a day?

    A 2 and a 4 year old are stressful, to be sure. It sounds like they are just acting their ages, but that is enough to drive anyone up the wall.

  6. Marcy August 28, 2007 at 12:35 pm #

    Take deep breaths and count to ten before you say or do anything… you know you’re under stress, so you need a little extra compassion for yourself and the kids.

    Resist the temptation to blame anything on your mom or the meds. Whether the meds are helping or not, that’s mainly up to your doc to decide. You can take note of how you’re doing, and keep records of it, and the doc can use that info — but resist that temptation to just throw them away and stop cold turkey (again).

    Wishing you a little place of quiet and peace, a groundedness and centeredness that will carry you through all this crap.

  7. Marcy August 28, 2007 at 12:38 pm #

    You might even keep telling the kids that you are stressed, and why, and that it isn’t their fault. (Even though they trigger a lot of it, they’re not doing it on purpose, and your feelings about anything are your own right and responsibility.)

  8. Nat August 29, 2007 at 8:57 pm #

    I have many days when I share some of those same feelings, girl. I understand, bipolar or not. 😦

  9. Nat August 29, 2007 at 8:57 pm #

    I have many days when I share some of those same feelings, girl. I understand, bipolar or not. 😦

  10. Nat August 29, 2007 at 8:58 pm #

    And if anything, you’re my rock right now. Cause I keep thinking of your motherloss stories, thinking of “wow, you have two and you’re still sane” and it gives me strength to face the screeching toddler at home.

  11. thordora August 30, 2007 at 1:46 pm #

    When you have one, you have NO IDEA how much easier it was. It’s nuts. I remember one being hard.

    You’ll get through it. We both will. if you hadn’t moved to the other side of the bloody river, we could do it together more often. 😛

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