Give me peace, love, and a hard….

21 Aug

So the other night I picked up “The No-Cry Discipline Solution

Let me just first state how icked out I was flipping through half the “discipline” books-they were either talking about how delicate and fragile my spawn were, or preaching at me. Or had Dr. Phil on the cover. (shudder)

This book seemed the least pretentious and obnoxious, so I grabbed it. It also didn’t cost 30 freaking dollars for what amounts to very LARGE text on very few pages in many cases.

I learned nothing really new from this book, but what it does do is help reinforce what you you should be doing, and help show you why it’s better to understand than to just yell. The gut reaction is to reject the child for pissy behaviour, right? But how is that beneficial? You have a four year old who actually doesn’t know how to behave-they’re only 4! How can getting angry be the right solution?

The book is helping me to understand that I need to be the adult and phrase my anger in terms that make sense, and are not threatening to the child. That I need to put myself in their shoes, and think about how I’d like to be dealt with.

Think of it this way-you get into a car accident, and have to slink home to tell your partner. Nothing is wrong with you, but the car is written off. Instead of understanding how lucky it is that you weren’t hurt, your partner looses their shit on you, screaming and yelling and threatening to not love you, all over a car. You’re already shaken from the accident-how would that make you feel?

Now trickle that down to your child-they break a glass let’s say. You’re a bit hot tempered because you don’t want them stepping in it and getting hurt, so you snap and yell at them. The crying/whining ensues, and you just get more and more upset.

The child is scared and feeling upset themselves. They didn’t mean to break the glass, and now they have no idea how to please you or make it better, and likely feel unloved, just like you would if you crashed the car.

In both cases, wouldn’t it make more sense to make sure all is well, and give a hug? To reassure your child that while you’re upset that they weren’t more careful, it’s not the end of the world, and you still love them.

We haven’t been doing this, and I feel terrible about it. So I’ve been trying this over the last few days. You know what? It’s been helping. There’s  been a few other ideas that have been helping as well-distraction, if/will statements (IF you clean that mess we WILL go do this) and others. The past few days haven’t been as bad, aside from Rosalyn being a bit ill and clingy as all hell.

It’s working. Who knew?

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7 Responses to “Give me peace, love, and a hard….”

  1. bine August 21, 2007 at 9:58 am #

    i remember very well disturbing situations when my parents were mad about my breaking or losing something. they were not of the yelling kind, they just let me know they were mad, and i suffered badly. it’s not that i wasn’t sorry already, they made me double sorry. i could never bear my parent’s anger well.

    years later, when i was about 25, my then boyfriend was incredibly mad at me for accidently taping over some movie that had been very important for him. i apologized a couple of times, but he was very upset and mad anyway. then it came to me how absurd this situation was. a videotape can’t be more important than the person you love. a glass can’t be more important than your child. a car can’t be more important than the life of your spouse. it all became crystal clear to me because of that stupid video tape episode.

  2. Marcy August 21, 2007 at 10:08 am #

    The book sounds good. May have to go get a copy.

    One of the things I’ve learned in the last year or so is that other people have a right to their feelings as much as I have a right to mine. If Mark, for example, or Amy, gets mad at or upset with me, it’s not my job to make them feel better. I should make peace as far as it depends on me, but realize that ultimately another person’s feelings are their own responsibility.

    That sounds harsher than I mean it. I just mean I don’t have to drive myself crazy, stumbling over myself in my attempt to grovel lower.

  3. merseydotes August 21, 2007 at 10:47 am #

    Huh. I may have to give that a read. Petunia has been tranforming into a Supernanny kid lately, and Basil and I are losing our patience with her more and more. I love the idea of no-cry discipline because it seems like what we get the most of these days from Petunia is crying, screaming, sobbing, stamping, flinging and yelling. It would be nice to have that stop.

  4. thordora August 21, 2007 at 10:56 am #

    If we were monkeys, poo would be flung. My 2.5 year old is in the flinging stage as well.

  5. thordora August 21, 2007 at 3:54 pm #

    Bine-I remember knowing, without yelling, when my father was very very very VERY angry. It didn’t take much to figure it out. But he always made it clear it was the behaviour, not me.

    But then, my mother was the spanker, not him.

    March-pick up the book now. Have some weapons BEFORE you need them!

  6. marcelarhodus August 21, 2007 at 8:27 pm #

    I started working with this book back in May/June… it totally works, I’m sworn to it… and I like that she does not talk down on you or anything…

    she has a daily post, her website is http://www.amazon.com/gp/blog/A2X3I9LOOU3LRU/ref=cm_blog_pdp_blog/104-5234464-5331901

    some of those daily tips are on the book, and some are not… but they all go to the point and good advice

  7. Judy August 24, 2007 at 3:08 pm #

    Oh goodness I try. I may have to get this book, too, although goodness knows I’m the queen of parenting books.

    It’s those moments where I say “Guthrie get up right now” and he just lays there that kill me. That’s when I lose my patience. *sigh* But I’m trying. And I’ve noticed that when I’m having an impatient (crazy) day, the kids act up, and when I’m calm cool and collected, the kids are happy and we have a great day. If the hubby and I fight, then the kids are nuts all day.

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