Me myself melancholy sad shake

16 Aug

I make myself sad.

There’s this stressed out feeling that builds in my head when I know I need to have a good cry. The valve needs to be opened, tweaked, the door left ajar. My eyes fill with tears unbidden, and I search out things like the last 10 minutes of the series finale of Six Feet under, things that make me what to sob out loud like I did in the church when my mother died.

This is not necessarily a bad thing if one is at home. But when one is at work, and trying to stifle one’s cries and sniffles, it can be.

Then I see the Avon brochures someone left on my desk and think of my mother, smell her faint scent and I think that perhaps she’s circling, trying to make me cry so I’ll let go of the stress and guilt I’ve been holding on to for a few weeks now, and I well up again, the tears dripping down my cheeks.

Today for some reason, I’ve been thinking about regret and death.

I know, this isn’t an odd turn of events. But I’ve been thinking about death with this strange sense of panic-like I haven’t reached where I want to be, and what if death is around the corner-what then? What if I come out the other side and realize that I didn’t really live my life, that there’s more than this out there and I missed it? What if I notice that I could have loved my daughters harder or better, or enjoyed and appreciated my husband more? What if I think that maybe I should have stopped to smell the daisies a little more.

What if I miss something?!?!

I don’t believe you need to travel the entire world to “live”-life is in your mind, in your experiences, not the places you’ve been. But I have this nagging feeling of almost forgot something, and I worry that I’m running out of time, but I can’t see the clock.

It’s not sadness, it’s not anger-it’s almost like melancholy for a place I’ll never go, if that makes any sense.

And then I feel the build up behind my eyes, the tightness in my skull, warning me that crying is imminent. And necessary.

Is it only crazy me who worries like this, or do others? I take things to the nth degree but do any of you panic and think OMG! I could die soon!!!

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11 Responses to “Me myself melancholy sad shake”

  1. Gabriel... August 16, 2007 at 6:28 pm #

    It has been an interesting change in my life to have switched from “when, in the name of all that is Holy, will I finally — finally — just fucking drop dead?” to “mmmm… this is nice. Sure hope I don’t drop dead anytime soon.” But it’s not so much a panic, as an awareness.

  2. Marcy August 16, 2007 at 7:59 pm #

    Some of your language in this post reminds me of C. S. Lewis and his definition of “joy,” vs. happiness — he says joy is a glimpse, an ethereal taste, of something glorious and transcendent just beyond reach.

    You also don’t want to come to the end of your life and find that you spent more time worrying about whether or not you were living, and less time actually living.

    I think I have experienced this kind of angst, but it has been a while. For several years now it seems like I’ve been moving a little away from the always journaling and reflecting and analyzing towards the occasionally being present, now, here, with the inner observer keeping a little more quiet.

  3. Dragon August 16, 2007 at 8:29 pm #

    I understand how that feels. You’ll probably laugh, but I was dead convinced I wouldn’t live to see my 21st birthday. I don’t know where I got this idea, but I was completely sure that I was going to drop dead sometime before then. I kept thinking of all the things I haven’t seen or done, and how horrible it would be if my friends and family never knew how much I cared about them. Obviously, that didn’t happen, as I’m very much alive and 21. But if you think of it, it’s kind a good thing. It shows that you do, indeed, want to live. And that’s important.

    –Dragon

  4. bine August 17, 2007 at 3:33 am #

    i think the question “could i have done anything better/different/more worthwhile/more exciting with my life” is what makes the idea of parallel universes in scifi movies and books so fascinating. that we could drop over and have a look at what we might have become.
    i don’t live with that worry a lot, i’m not scared i’m missing something. what is just is. it’s in my hands to do something else when how i live doesn’t please me.
    only sometimes, very rarely, i look back and wonder what had happened if i had really married my second boyfriend like he wanted me to, or if i had had my will and had a baby when i was 28. but it’s useless, and it doesn’t panic me. and i’m not scared of dying before having lived. i sure don’t want to die any time soon, but i have seen and experienced a couple of really beautiful things in life and i don’t feel i’ve been missing a lot. of course, when someone would tell me now i had one more year, i could think of a lot of things i wanted to do in that year. but i don’t feel i’ve been missing important things in my life.

  5. bine August 17, 2007 at 3:35 am #

    aaaargh! that is the first time in ages that wordpress has lost one of my comments!
    and it was along one, too!

  6. bine August 17, 2007 at 3:35 am #

    ok, i take that back. sorry, wordpress.

  7. nell August 17, 2007 at 8:31 am #

    Oh yeah. But for me it’s more detached, imagining of life going on without me. Or sometimes gruesome details of death and how everyone will act at the funeral and stuff like that. My mind can be a very dark place at times. And as a kid I used to work myself up into hysterics over the possibility of missing something, usually over completely normal and seemingly simple decisions – like whether to go get the paper with my dad: what if I went and something happened at home? Or what if I stayed and something happened at the store? AH!

  8. marcelarhodus August 17, 2007 at 9:59 pm #

    I think about this too… specially lots more since I’ve had kids and my mom passed away.

    I constantly think that I’m not ready yet. and even on my worst days with my kids, those when I’m ready to give up on them, I don’t cause I know noone will be the same mother I could be for them. and I want them to have a life with me and look back and be able to say that their mother had a good life….

    As I was reading your post I almost cried along with you… I so hear you.

  9. Oh, The Joys August 18, 2007 at 1:07 pm #

    I get the pent up stress that builds to sobbing. Oh, yes. I get that.

  10. JoC August 24, 2007 at 1:15 am #

    At times, Thordora, you speak my thoughts. It is interesting to see it out here instead of trapped in my mind being judged as silly or melodramatic or some thing else because here it makes sense.

    I search out movies and books that resonate and allow me to release my tears. Somehow it is easier to cry for them. Lately I have been so distracted with what I don’t have ($, 2nd child, larger apt, slim body) that I worry. So, what caught my breath was “that I didn’t really live my life, that there’s more than this out there and I missed it? What if I notice that I could have loved my daughters harder or better, or enjoyed and appreciated my husband more? ”

    Thanks for your words because they clearly articulate what I am striving to focus on: living and feeling and gratitude.

  11. thordora August 24, 2007 at 9:17 am #

    I’m just glad that I’m not the only one feeling this way. 🙂

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