blank sheet

15 Aug

I am blank today.

Full disclosure-I stopped taking most of my drugs for a few days, and it’s obvious that it wasn’t the best course of action. Why do I keep doing that? Why can’t I find patience? (For that matter, why can’t I ever seem to get full?)

I want a fix now. I want my brain to work dammit. I don’t want to sit quietly zoning out for an hour, blankly staring at nothing, finding no answers. But hey, I also want to live somewhere that didn’t take two months to see you after being admitted to the hospital. 2 months! What am I supposed to do in the meantime if things aren’t working? Go to the hospital again?

Great idea. Cause getting fired would be such a fantastic option.

I’m frustrated and blank again today. I’m betting that the 20% who kill themselves do so because they feel so bloody helpless against this shit. I am privy to my brain, and my brain hates me! Who wants to live with that?! Who wants to live with drugs that ruin your life, destroy who you are, dampen the person you know into a quiet creature who is constantly asked “Are you ok?”

fuck….

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13 Responses to “blank sheet”

  1. Mogo August 15, 2007 at 9:12 am #

    “I stopped taking most of my drugs for a few days, and it’s obvious that it wasn’t the best course of action. Why do I keep doing that?”

    I don’t know, but srsly – you need to stop fucking with it like that. srsly. as in, things might come to an end rapidly if you continue to do that.

  2. allyo August 15, 2007 at 9:28 am #

    If it’s the only thing you do all day, you have to take your meds. Don’t let the illness trick you in to thinking you can heal yourself. You can’t get better by magic or by willpower alone.

  3. Gabriel... August 15, 2007 at 10:01 am #

    uhm… STOPFUCKINGDOINGTHAT. These drugs are designed to seriously alter the chemistry of our brains. Read that again. Stopping and starting basically at random can do some serious freaking damage. At the very least it will leave your brain bewildered and in pain. And you a bewildered and frustrated mess… and, I don’t know, questioning your existence maybe? It can takes months to see the effects, just give them time. Seriously… WTF Thordora?!? You know who you are off the pills… there are about a zillion posts on this blog dedicated to who you are off the pills. Time to figure out what options the pills can offer, and to find out who you are without the disease on your back. And that means sucking them in day after day for months and even years just to find that hope the disease is keeping from you. Suck it up, and suck them in. Don’t make me knock on your door.

  4. Jennifer August 15, 2007 at 10:07 am #

    You know better than that Thor. They can become completely ineffective altogether. What you are doing is self destructive. STOP IT.

    Drugs like that can take MONTHS for them to be completely effective. Why do you think that people who are non-compliant in taking drugs are hospitalized against their will for several months?

  5. daisybones August 15, 2007 at 11:09 am #

    Yes, agreed: take them. Start now. Give them time, sweetie. Most side effects actually go away on their own after a few months. None of these drugs Will Ever Help if you don’t take them consistently.

    I know it’s a pain, I know the waiting-to-adjust period is hellish, but you’ll never get over the bump if you don’t Take The MotherFucking pills. Every day, as prescribed. Then, only then, will your system start to regulate.

    I know you know this already, and my instincts tell me that being preached at to take your pills like a good girl probably pisses you off, but I’m fine with that if you’ll just be kind to yourself and get out of your own way for a few seconds a day. Long enough to, yes, take the pills.

  6. Magdalena August 15, 2007 at 1:05 pm #

    Well, if there is one thing that can explain why you feel the way you do- up, down, all the fuck around, that might be it.
    I’m going through some frustrating shit with this topamax bullshit and I swear I want to throw the bottle in the toilet but I haven’t been on it long enough- just a month- to see if the side effects will let up. It has been hell. I can’t even bring myself to write about it.
    I can identify with wanting to just give up but that isn’t an option for you. Giving up isn’t a treatment option. Take your medication, tweak it if you have to- but don’t give up.

  7. marcelarhodus August 15, 2007 at 5:27 pm #

    I have serious asthma, I know it does not compare, but I’m taking around 7 different medications everyday to keep it controlled… and yes somedays I refuse to take my meds cause taking them makes me feel like an old lady and I always think that “I’ve been so well for this many weeks/days, I’m sure I can do well even without”… and I never do, I always get within this much distance of having an attack after a day or so…. I know the pain of taking meds everyday, do get back on them, we cannot really fool ourselves…

  8. Gabriel... August 15, 2007 at 5:48 pm #

    Actually this is a perfect analogy… manic depression is a disease, and treating it as such is an important step. Someone with a disease like asthma can tell within a few hours or a few days that being without treatment can be dangerous. But because it takes such a long time — up to a few months — to see any benefit to treatment for manic depression we end up not trusting our doctors or our medications/treatments.

  9. thordora August 15, 2007 at 5:50 pm #

    AND half the doctor’s being quacks or jerks doesn’t help either.

  10. Gabriel... August 15, 2007 at 6:30 pm #

    Finding a doctor who specializes in manic depression is very difficult but so important. There really are two major phases in recovery — with a whole bunch of smaller ones. 1) treat the manic depression; 2) treat the clinical depressions which were masked for so long by the manic depression.

    There’s a lot of overlap — the manic depression creates the situations which lead to most of our clinical depressions, then screws us up so we can’t proberly deal with them — but in the beginning it’s the first phase that’s most important. And that means real, honest to Christ hard work, not sitting around talking about “issues”. It means getting educated on what manic depression really means, and what it has done to your life. Why haven’t you been able to think for ten years? Why has your behaviour been so bizarre for so long? Why have you been so self-destructive? When you understand what the disease is, then you can look after the Issues.

    Issue stuff can come up later, during your recovery, of course, but in the beginning it can really cloud up what’s really important… getting the disease out of the way.

  11. thordora August 15, 2007 at 7:00 pm #

    And I need to add that I KNOW I fucked up, and the lectures ARE helping.

    I don’t know why I do it, but I do.

  12. daisybones August 15, 2007 at 11:03 pm #

    I used to do the same thing. My depression was never as serious as your bipolar, but it got very bad a couple of times. I’d go off the meds for weird reasons… and rebound so bad. I couldn’t say what clicked in my brain or whatever that I don’t need them now, but I needed them then and was fucking up too.

    It’s good to hear the lectures help: so did you take the pills and restart taking little steps to healing? Or do I need to come back with some scary punishment weapons and threaten more convincingly?

    Take. The. Pills. Thordora.

    (We love you, see?)

  13. bromac August 16, 2007 at 12:18 pm #

    You have to stop. You’ve done that so many times in just the past few months. How do you expect to find any relief if you don’t even give the medicines enough time to work. You’re shooting yourself in the foot here, darlin’.

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