Happy then

9 Aug

I woke up this morning cold and cramped. The temperature had dropped, and I was freezing. I stumbled downstairs, listening to the girls quietly playing, mostly nice, in their room.

“Hi Mommmmmy!” Ros coos and she runs towards me. Vivian looks up from under her blanket, stares oddly then smiles. The both wait expectantly. Cherrios are serious business in the morning.

I find myself holding Vivian’s stare more often as of late. Thinking how fast the last four years have gone, how I hardly remember her in some ways. That smiley baby became a relatively easy toddler who has morphed into preschooler, almost kid from hell. She is growing. She is growing away from me, apart from me. We discuss her belly button, and I choke on the words. “You and I were one once, and then we were two.” It’s a simple idea, but somehow it’s so large. She plants her feet and won’t be moved, and I am ever more aware of the time and differences between us, of an age and a moment.

She might remember these days later on. She will tell me stories about things I’ll have likely forgotten. I will tell her about the time she said ‘I have a FANTASTIC vagina!” and she will ask why I acted so put upon sometimes when she was around. She will perhaps ask about the time Mommy went away, and I’ll need to tell her then what is so wrong with Mommy, and how it may be an inadvertent gift I have given her.

When Vivian was only a few months old, she was a beautiful child. Smiling, cheerful, always happy. People would comment when we were out that she was such a happy little girl, you could tell she was loved! My heart would swell and I made a silent promise to her that I didn’t care how she lived her life, what she did with it, all I wanted was for her to be as happy in the future as she was right then. Blissfully pleased, smiling at the world.

Blind to it’s torments. I still want this today, even when she fights me on every single thing and demands more freedom than I’m ready to give her. I want her happiness. I want her to soar on wings I’ll have to remember to not cut out of fear. I want her to live a life unfettered by fear or regret.

I want all these things, and yet so much more for a girl turning slowly into a woman. I see her future written in her face, and I wait to meet her.

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One Response to “Happy then”

  1. sweetsalty kate August 9, 2007 at 1:24 pm #

    “I see her future written in her face, and I wait to meet her.”

    everything in this post speaks to me of my sons, the last bit especially. thank you….

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