I want

24 Jul

I’ve decided that, at least right now, I don’t want to talk about the mental ward for the rest of the story.

I’m not hiding it, I just feel so conflicted about it, like I’m making things uncomfortable with it. Besides all of that there isn’t much to tell. Walls and TV’s and people you can’t quite trust and doctors making you feel like liars.

I always feel like I’m lying, that no one believes me, that I’m not as sick as I claim, that life hasn’t been as bad as it seems. That I don’t have a right to my anger or irritation or sadness. I despise these feelings. I hate feeling like there is no one listening, that if I’m sick there is no one to care for me, that I am adrift and rudderless. Have I imposed this isolation on myself, or have I surrounded myself in circumstance that will create it?

I push away, I draw in. I want people around me, I don’t want them near. I want someone to just get it! I want to not have to explain, and explain over and over again, to no longer need to give reasons. I want to be able to stop apologizing for the way I am, while being expected to accept everyone else for who and what they are.

I want a drug that works without fucking everything else up.

I want I want I want

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6 Responses to “I want”

  1. Netter July 24, 2007 at 10:11 am #

    That’s the problem of a disease without physical manifestation (like oozing pustules). How can someone else see inside your mind, to see how your mood changes on a dime without regard to external stimuli. They can’t so it’s hard for them to believe. I believe you Thora, you don’t have to explain anything to me or most of us on the other side of the monitors.

  2. cherylann July 24, 2007 at 11:04 am #

    I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I hope that you soon find a medication that will work for you. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. xoxo

  3. Marcy July 24, 2007 at 11:48 am #

    Not that you need my permission, but here it is anyway: you are 100% entitled to whatever you feel at any time, rational or irrational, fitting in with others’ expectations or not, etc. And if you say you feel that way, I believe you.

  4. ann adams July 24, 2007 at 2:29 pm #

    What Marcy said.

    My monitor is going all wobbly and making me seasick. Very strange.

  5. karriew July 24, 2007 at 6:20 pm #

    I want you to find that drug, or some other way to have some lasting peace. 🙂

  6. bec July 25, 2007 at 7:38 am #

    To want is human. To not want, divine and therefore impossible.

    It’s good to want to talk about these things,but also good to want to stop, sometimes, for the sake of balance and context.

    Take care, blossom.

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