Where is my mind?

17 Jul

Hooooo doggie have I been manic the last few days. I’ve been cleaning and purging and rearranging and thinking and thinking and up last and it’s been nice.

And I’m afraid that I’ll jinx it and it will all go away. I like this feeling. This kind of manic isn’t harmful, doesn’t mess with my life in any bad ways. It’s productive, and makes me feel like a can do something, that I can get something accomplished like normal people. I don’t feel like this on a regular basis, and frankly, it sucks. I WANT to be this person. I want to be clean and organized and not buried under the detrius of my own mind.

In a nutshell, it will suck when this feeling leaves. And I just want to be normal. I’m tired of looking around everywhere and seeing people with nothing real to complain about complaining. I want to stop hearing about people who can easily afford an iphone. I want a piece of that blessed life complaining about the little things, I want a life that makes the little things seem big. Being manic makes me want all these things, but also brings out the little girl who wants to tell the other girls who have almost everything to stop their whining.

I want it easy. By this point in my life, I deserve things to be easy, don’t I? Yet suddenly, after a respite of a few years, all the drama and chaos started again, lending even more credence to my atheism and general annoyance with the people around me. I want my children to be my only challenge. Or my weight. Not everything.

I’m a fucking mental cripple. Without the crutches.

I’d like to stop feeling annoyed when other complain about things that seem so insignificant to me-it makes me feel judgy and superior for no good reason. Like I have it worse than they ever would. But pain is relative, and I’m not one to make a determination about who really has it worse. I’m just a mess who stays up until 2am obsessively untangling the knots in yarn.

Quite the metaphor for my life isn’t it.

My cleaning right now is in some small way a need to start over, to tear down the walls of my house and start over. In dreams, my mind was always dark, full of cobwebs and old plaster walls. Mold, rats and despair. They next time I visit, I’d like there to be a little bit of sun.

6 Responses to “Where is my mind?”

  1. karrie July 17, 2007 at 8:02 am #

    I think you do deserve some easiness, Thor. Or at least a life vest or some kind of comfortable floaty thing so you can relax on the surface for awhile without worrying about drowning.

    But…don’t diss my iPhone, bitch! 😉

  2. allyo July 17, 2007 at 11:34 am #

    I can really relate to this. And I hope you find some easiness.

  3. radicalmama July 17, 2007 at 12:26 pm #

    I hope this gets easier for you. You deserve a break for sure.

  4. Jason Dufair July 17, 2007 at 12:48 pm #

    It’s way out in the water. See it swimming?

    You deserve a break. You deserve it easy. At least easier, for sure.

  5. cherylann July 17, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    AMEN!!! You had a break, but not really one that was needed. It’s sorta like when you go on vacation and then come back and need a vacation from your vacation. I’m glad you are feeling productive. Take a moment to do something you really enjoy… like if I’m having a busy and terrible day I always take a second to sniff the bean’s hair… it brings me to a place of simpleness. Oh my… that makes me sound like a complete freak. hahaha.

  6. mamaloo, the doula July 17, 2007 at 5:29 pm #

    I forwarded this to my husband, just because I knew he’d love seeing Black Francis/Frank Black/Charles so young! Great performance.

    He messaged me back wondering if I had been the author of that post.

    I am right there with you on that feeling of needing to clean and purge. I feel like I’m drowning under stuff and that we are just a couple of lazy steps away from actual squalor.

    I spent part of yesterday cleaning a few kitchen cupboards and couldn’t believe how good I felt. In fact, this morning, I opened the cupboards up just to admire how tidy and clean they are.

    And getting rid of old cereal boxes and forgotten half packs of crackers (a garbage bag full of old food went out) was so satisfying. Today, though, not so much, in terms of actually doing stuff.

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