I want to go home

11 Jul

Now. I want to leave. Now.

It’s not bad enough that my doctor does “quick rounds” and somehow forgets to see me before leaving. It’s not bad enough that some gross little child sits on the communal phones ALL.DAY.LONG. and talks about sex, right down to things dripping while people try to eat (He’s the verbal equivilent of sex spam-and about as intelligent. How he gets any thing beyond a mole rat to go near him is beyond me). It’s not bad enough the girls on their period don’t flush the fucking toilet.

I’m bored. I’m bored as shit and I want to go home. I hate this. I sit there all day-where the fuck is the help in that? I sit, and stare at the wall, do a puzzle, crochet, read, get a coffee, stare some more. That is is. This is treatment? How is this helping me, except to make me feel more helpless and alone than I already did?

This isn’t a vacation-this is a short version of my personal hell, and I can’t figure out for the life of me what I did to deserve it. Not only am I surrounded by people, something I have difficulty with at the best of times, I’m surrounded by what must be the WORST most irritating people I’ve ever seen. Even trying to have a brief phone call home last night was interrupted by someone who could just sit the fuck down and wait. But I know if I bite back, it will bite ME in the ass since apparently, acting human isn’t something you should do. However, if I was annoying and inappropriate, things would likely be ok.

I just want to go home-I want out of here. I want out. They must be able to treat me as an outpatient or something cause honestly, just being here is making me depressed.

And to top it off, it feels like all the psychiatrists are the type of girls I hated in high school-rich little things who’ve never had a care in the world. What do they know about pain?

15 Responses to “I want to go home”

  1. Jason Dufair July 11, 2007 at 12:06 pm #

    Thor – I have no point of reference to understand a place like that. Are there other places you can go where you actually have someone pay attention to you? Where people give a fuck about their jobs? Ya gotta get help for sure and don’t settle. And do let Mogo do everything else. I did when Anna was sick (with support from friends). He can now (with support from friends). It’s the only way.

  2. cherylann July 11, 2007 at 12:46 pm #

    What about group therapy or one on one therapy? What about OT? What about journaling and worksheets? Maybe the Canadian healthcare system isn’t what we here in the states should be envying. Ask for what you want. Make a scene about the “Dr” not stopping to see you. You deserve care. Be strong.

  3. Netter July 11, 2007 at 1:12 pm #

    I agree with Cherlyann and Jason. You have to advocate for yourself. The staff at that place isn’t going to pay you any attention unless you’re vocal about your needs. You’re right, it’s not going to help you the way it is now.

  4. Bromac July 11, 2007 at 1:35 pm #

    I may be out of line, and feel free to tell me as much, but it seems to me that this is the illness talking.

    Our brains TRY to sabatoge us. Our brains want the negativity, the depression, the mania, to win.

    When you’re crocheting, reading, staring at the wall, are you thinking of how to fix this, of how to fix yourself? Of what you’re gonna do when you get out to ensure you’re not back in there in six months?

    You gotta fight, girl. FIGHT the chemicals.

  5. Mogo July 11, 2007 at 1:50 pm #

    “And do let Mogo do everything else. I did when Anna was sick (with support from friends). He can now (with support from friends).”

    buddy, I’m glad you have such a rosy view of our little world out here, but the one thing LACKING in our equation is the “friends” part. very few of our acquaintances are of the reliable variety, and the few friends we do have have their own lives to live as well.

    anyway, now that that’s out of the way, sounds like it’s time to make a few phone calls.

  6. Bon July 11, 2007 at 5:39 pm #

    i was so hoping it wouldn’t be like that.

    i guess it is.

    i’m not sure what good it’s supposed to do…but i agree, your own personal hell isn’t going to help you get better, much as i might wish it different.

    are they offering any kind of longterm strategies for coping with all this shit, not just in terms of drugs (useful, if they can get you the right ones) or hospitalization, or even “these are YOUR problems and you must cope with them” stuff, but some systemic vision of what choices you – and Mogo, as a family – have right now and supports available?

    still weakly hoping they might pull something useful out of their asses.

  7. karriew July 11, 2007 at 7:23 pm #

    Is there anyone you can tell these exact words to who might actually listen? Have you told any of the doctors that you want to go home?

    If you get bored, can you write more descriptions of the other patients and staff members?

    Thinking of you, and wishing I had good answers instead of just typing here to talk with you and let you know I’m reading.

  8. jen July 11, 2007 at 10:40 pm #

    i hate those kinds of psychiatrists.

  9. alimum July 11, 2007 at 10:44 pm #

    Mogo wrote:

    “but the one thing LACKING in our equation is the “friends” part. very few of our acquaintances are of the reliable variety, and the few friends we do have have their own lives to live as well.

    anyway, now that that’s out of the way, sounds like it’s time to make a few phone calls.”

    Call people. Tell them what is going on. Tell them it is serious. Honestly, I know from experience how one’s own life and utter lack of reliability become secondary when a friend needs you. People learn how to use alarm clocks and show up when they say they will, people bring casseroles over and do a load of laundry for you. It is too easy to isolate one’s self. Make those calls.

  10. Jennifer July 11, 2007 at 11:53 pm #

    There is that ^, but there is also respite care from social services. Talk to the social worker at the hospital, you cannot be the only family in a jam in the history of the world.

    Also, Thor you do need to talk to your Doctors. Is this a reaction that is typical, or is this doing more harm than good?

  11. katsplace July 11, 2007 at 11:56 pm #

    Thor, you have to do something. Just sitting there is just sitting there. It’s not going to help. You need to take some control and demand what you need. Maybe it is a different doctor, a different facility, an outpatient setting, etc. But you can’t just sit there biding your time and get better. It’s not happening.

    Mogo, I know that sometimes you are caught in a bind when you know the people in your life won’t help – honestly won’t. I have that in my life at least with my family. What I have found though is that when I reach out to people who maybe aren’t “as close” is that they astound me with their generosity. THose are the contacts you need to tap into.

  12. roxy July 12, 2007 at 9:57 am #

    I have little to add, but to reinforce the advice the others have given. When I checked into the psych ward, it was a direct result of not getting my insurance company to take my needs seriously and putting off getting me some covered psychiatrist visits.

    After I was an inpatient, I was taken care of and after a couple of days I left and did outpatient visits. Whatever happens, I feel much better knowing you have the care of specialists, not just a general practitioner.

    Journal your ass off in there, girl. Offline too. Use it as your own therapy.

  13. Amy July 12, 2007 at 11:59 am #

    If you are not getting any sort of therapy, and your meds are regulated & you’re feeling stable… then (in my own, semi-professional opinion) I don’t see why you can’t be discharged with a plan for you to follow up with outpatient therapy and seeing a psych once every other week or so (to start then prob. 1x a month) for med managment?

    Are there things going on that you are just choosing not to do? Or is there really nothing?

    Demand to meet with your doctor. Demand to meet with a social worker there. If you’re not getting any sort of service then you should know why.

    There is no way in hell you should just be sitting in a room. THat is not helpful.

    Fight for your care. FIght for what you pay your tax dollars for! YOu’re entitled to this.

    Keep us posted.

  14. Missy July 12, 2007 at 1:40 pm #

    I hate feeling helpless. Damn I wish I could steamroll in and just “fix” everything.

    Thor, what makes you happy? What’s going to help you get through this?

  15. Meredith July 12, 2007 at 9:30 pm #

    As someone who’s been there (only several months ago), you have to raise hell. Demand to see doctors when they come. Demand therapy. Demand some attention.

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