Bad Day

10 Jul

Today is a bad day.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get out of here-like I’ll be crazy forever and Mogo will be lost to me, the girls lost to me. I feel like I’ll never find a quiet place of my own ever again, that I’ll never find me again in all of this shit and dirt and mess.

Mogo brought the girls to see me, and I wish I had felt better about the visit. But I was already cycled into depressed and vulnerable, and for some reason, their visit only made it worse. I feel horribly guilty for leaving them in the lurch, for not getting better quicker, for doing this to them. It’s not fair. I’m doing what I can. But it doesn’t feel like I am. I feel like people think I’m on vacation, relaxing in my room.

I’m lonely. I’m desperately alone, and sad in there. I’m tired of the noise-the god-dammed racket! The shitty ass food. The people who won’t be quiet, who smell my hair, or just plain weird ME out (that is quite the accomplishment). I’m tired of being crazy, and feeling helpless to fix it.

Mostly, I’m terrified at what we’ll do if I have to be in here much longer. This needs to get fixed soon, or at least fixed enough so I can pretend to be better. The weight of real life and expectation sits heavy on my shoulders, and I can’t ignore it much longer.

So much for summer vacation huh? Not that it’s very summery out-it’s fucking rainy and grey and miserable. AGAIN.

9 Responses to “Bad Day”

  1. Bromac July 10, 2007 at 2:54 pm #

    No, it isn’t fair. You are doing what you can, and you have to persevere and continue doing all that you can.

    Stay focused…for the sake of those girls of yours.

  2. Jason Dufair July 10, 2007 at 3:11 pm #

    Shit, Thor. I hope it can get fixed enough that you don’t have to pretend to be better – that you are measurably better.

    May the grey weather lift, inside and out.

  3. Marcy July 10, 2007 at 3:20 pm #

    It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you.

    Etc.

    Hold on tight.

    And if there’s any way your current circumstances feels like vacation, let it. You need it. Being able to enjoy the enjoyable is healthy and healing.

  4. Jennifer July 10, 2007 at 3:42 pm #

    PITA speaking.

    Believe me when I tell you that it gets worse before it gets better (I could quote research studies but I aint going digging through papers and texts right now). That is the way these things go. Hold on. If you feel bad today, look with hope towards tomorrow that it will be slightly better.

    As impossible as it sounds (coming from a control freak, too a control freak) , you have to let Mogo handle things. Hes a big boy. He will figure it out. Right now, your ONLY job is to get better. Get that through your head woman.

    The alternatives are not acceptable.

  5. ann adams July 10, 2007 at 5:40 pm #

    Acting as if can only take us so far.

    Your job is to get better, whatever it takes. I don’t know your friend Jennifer but she obviously knows you and I think she’s right.

    It’s time to depend on the people in your life who love you.

  6. liprap July 10, 2007 at 6:09 pm #

    Daaaaamn right!

  7. cherylann July 10, 2007 at 7:12 pm #

    Let it out!!! You are in the one place where it is acceptable to be as depressed and angry as you want to be. Know that you have people behind you who believe in you. That you are not alone. That there will always be people to pick you up out of the shit. That your daughters will see and admire your strength one day. Let it out… let it go.

  8. Chick July 11, 2007 at 3:38 am #

    Hang in there. Words from us can’t make it better, but know that some of us have been RIGHT where you are. And that we understand and care about you. And it’s not just words when I say that.

  9. nell July 11, 2007 at 10:52 am #

    It will get better, you’re doing what you need to do and taking care of yourself, and that’s great. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you are doing, and even though you feel like you’re leaving your family in the lurch, really you are doing the best thing that you can for them, which is taking care of yourself. You can do this, you ARE doing this. Remember that.

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