Top o’the crazy to you

30 Jun

I stopped the Wellbutrin a few days ago. I feel a LOT better. I’m still not stable, but this is better. I’m not as screamy as I was.

What I’ve always felt was weird was how transient my emotions are, like someone walking by wearing a perfume you smell so intensely when they’re in front of you, but it moves off gently, leaving you to wonder if it was ever there at all. One moment I’ll be sweet as pie, content in my life, staring fondly at my children.

The next moment I’ll be stumbling around, trying to remember what I found so much fun about everything, looking for something to do.

It’s confusing. More than anything else, it’s torture to not know how you’re feeling from one minute to the next. I’m pretty self involved in that way, and even still, there are times when Mogo will say something and I’ll snap and then think “Did I just say something? Cause it wasn’t supposed to be like that.” Sometimes I don’t know why I’m being an asshole. It just comes over me like water.

I keep searching for the answers to all this-for a magic pill, a turn of thought, a way of being. But there really doesn’t seem to be one. This is who and what I am. I cannot change who I am at heart. I can work the rough edges out, I can censor my words, but at days end, I am who my moods make me. I cannot deny that part of me any longer.

Of course, this is easier to say when I’m running at the tail end of a manic phase isn’t it? But at least this one lasted more than an hour.

3 Responses to “Top o’the crazy to you”

  1. Jennifer June 30, 2007 at 10:10 am #

    I can’t even imagine. I have enough trouble with my emotions and feelings NOW, without the added benefit of them rapid cycling on me.

    you are a stronger person than I am Thor, they would have driven me mad by now

  2. marcy June 30, 2007 at 9:10 pm #

    I wish you would be more careful about your meds, though; did you really just stop cold turkey? Please try to go off more gradually next time, okay?

    I’m glad you feel better though.

  3. Bromac July 3, 2007 at 6:00 pm #

    I agree with Marcy. it can’t be doing any good for you to be changing things so frequently and so abruptly.

    And after reading the top post put out today (on not being around forever) I stand behind this even more.

    Just my opinion. I hope you feel better soon. You can do this, you have to believe you can though. I am going through the same thing right now……I almost jumped out of an RV on the highway the other day. Whew! That was a bad day. But I believe I can do this and so I try again…harder.

    I believe you can do this.

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