Don’t mind me-I’m nuts.

26 Jun

I have to change my meds.

I’m cycling more than fricken lance armstrong here today. One moment I’m melancoly, the next cranky, the next excited and anxious, then happy, heart pounding happy, then all fired up in the nether regions, then just blah.

And that’s just one hour of my day.

You know what it feels like? I feel like I’m swimming through sludge, but occasionally come across dry land, then maybe a sand bar. I have no bottom. My feet can’t rest anywhere, because the current moves to swiftly. At the same time, I’m trying to knit with cotton candy.

My head hurts from this. I’m sleeping like shit. I know some of that is my cold turkey off the antidepressants, but still. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not better off without any drugs at all. Lately, I’ve had just as many swings on as I do off. In the last year it’s been like that, but how do I know what is really the drugs working, and what is an extended period of “soft” mania? Because frankly-I’m beginning to think that my initial “success” from the trileptal may have just been that.

I say it all the time, but I’m tired of this! It’s getting annoying! My poor children over the last few days-all I wanted to do was sit and read or watch TV. I didn’t want to go anywhere. If they acted up, I was a right bitch. The dream of running away was kicking in hard yesterday, visions of Julianne Moore’s character in The Hours running repeat in my mind.

I’m exhausted, and confused, and tired of attempting to maintain some sort of baseline for the world. I’m constantly trying to mold myself into something safe for mass consumption, and that’s what most difficult of all. The effect I must have on other people. I’m unpredictable, whiny and mean. What a joy that must be to be around.

Sitting here feeling, on one hand, excited to go home and see my baby, and yet on the other hand not wanting to in case he’s cranky and I have to deal with it-these are the constant, rampant mixed thoughts. Which then lead to anger. (dysphoric mania is what I think is happening currently.)

Fuck fuck fuck. There is something very irritating and hopeless feeling about this state. I feel like I’m vibrating, quivering, and keep darting around in my mind looking for something to ease it with. Getting drunk didn’t help, despite the urge. Now I crave weed for some bizarre reason-something I haven’t done with any regularity since I was 17 or so. I’ve been having visual halluncinations frequently. But all of this is not QUITE bad enough to be a major concern, not yet.

I’m driven to do things like eat, or spend money. This morning I could feel the hypersexuality building back up, triggered in part by a dream with Jonathan Ryhs-Meyers in it.(ok, that part wasn’t so bad. Not my usual, but I can get used to that type of dream over the usual death and destruction any day) But it becomes relentless and out of control in my mind. Thankfully, it doesn’t manifest itself outwardly in any negative ways.

But I worry. Mixed states are worse than anything, because you have no idea what might come next. It just flies at you.

And I feel so alone with all of this. I don’t feel I can go anywhere with it, and frankly, the thought of more “talk” therapy makes me what to spit. I need something to fix my brain! Whining and complaining about what I cannot fix on my own is frustrating to say the least. I’ve worked through most of my shit. I just want stitches on the part of my brain that’s fucked up.

11 Responses to “Don’t mind me-I’m nuts.”

  1. karainmd June 26, 2007 at 6:47 pm #

    oh man. Have you talked to your primary care doc about these feelings? They may tell you that you need ‘talk’ therapy but if you talk it through with him maybe he’ll help you out. You know?

    It sucks to feel terrible all the time and you do not deserve to live this way! Hope you can feel better soon.

  2. thordora June 26, 2007 at 7:06 pm #

    hahahahahah. I think my header should be “MY GP SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.”

    He has admitted to me that he knows NOTHING about bipolar. And sadly, in Canada right now, you take what you can get for a doctor, at least where I live.

    Oh, the joys….

  3. tulip June 26, 2007 at 9:10 pm #

    God I hear you on the fucking talk therapy. Why do I need to rehash the crap that has happened to me when I KNOW it fucked me up??? Just help me FIX IT. God. Sorry…can you tell I hate talk therapy? 😉
    I haven’t been rapid cycling for a few years but I remember it well. I wish I had a magic cure all for you. I have had a rough week with the short temper as well. I HATE that my 3 year old has said “I’m sorry mommy” more than once today. Nothing like that to make me feel like a gigantic bitch.
    I will say that it takes meds a good long time to work but like I said before, anti-depressants tend to do that “soft mania” and then nothing. Another one that I have tried is Seroquel. It’s really helpful when I get so hyped up I can’t sleep. I don’t take it all the time but just when I need it.
    I wish saying that “I know exactly how you feel” was helpful. But I’m listening. 🙂

  4. karainmd June 26, 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    oh jesus…well…I can join you on the whole my gp sucks my clit…he’s a dick and thinks I’m over reacting whenever I go to see him. Yeah okay sure.

    Anyways…good luck and I hope you can find something that works for you.

  5. misspudding June 28, 2007 at 2:02 am #

    You’re going to think I’m a whackjob when I tell you this, but…

    Given that you’ve told me you been getting all bloated and gassy, that you can’t control your binges, and that you’re bi-polar (duh), I got creative and found this:

    It’s a little heavy on the language but, this guy’s research is fascinating. I think you need to get rid of the wheat in your diet, start exercising aerobically (if nothing more than to up the neurotransmitters in the brain), and start talking to your doctors about swapping around some meds.

    Have you thought about lithium?

    Oh, and another link from that guy’s page:

    (I’m assuming you’re type O given that you look like you’re mainly northern European/Scottish/Irish)

  6. misspudding June 28, 2007 at 2:04 am #

    Oh, and I’ll send you the book if you’re interested. I got it at a used bookstore a while back.

    FYI, my binges are almost entirely gone since I’ve eliminated all wheat and cheese (‘cept parmesan, which I can’t, for the life of me, eat more than a small amount of) from my diet. It’s kind of heard to binge on fruit bars and tea. The only vice I still have is chocolate.

  7. thordora June 28, 2007 at 7:54 am #

    I don’t think I could eliminate cheese. Life just wouldn’t be worth living then.

    I have throught about the wheat thing, but I’ve pretty much established through trial and error that it’s an egg allergy-the minute something with eggs goes in , BAD things happen. And greasy food. So I’m trying to get rid of that stuff. Slowly.

    Lithim frankly scares me, mostly because someone I was friends with hit me when he was on it. I have a knee jerk reaction to it, and I’m not sure if it would work for my brand of crazy.

    The book might be interesting. And hey, i AM Type O!

  8. misspudding June 28, 2007 at 9:05 pm #

    A lot of people are neurologically sensitive to wheat, even though they don’t have strong GI symptoms to it. Hence, the autism phenomenon (a lot of kids’ autism-spectrum symptoms clear up when they go on a gluten-free, casein-free (milk-free) diet).

    Good luck with figuring this out. It seems overwhelming, to say the least. It makes those of us (well, me at least) with “lesser” problems feel – almost – guilty. As much as my life can suck at times, at least I can put on a pretty face and know that everything that goes in my head gets dealt with a fairly modulated emotion stream. No way up or way down just, “shitty” or “not so shitty”.

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed and pray to the FSM for ya.

  9. thordora June 28, 2007 at 9:11 pm #

    meh. Most days I’m just whiny. Nothing i can’t handle-not really. (at least, when I’m manic it’s all good!)

  10. Chick June 29, 2007 at 1:54 am #

    It’s almost 1 am and I found this entry while surfing through others’ favorites. Man, I can SO relate to this entry. I can’t sleep for shit right now, and I’m ON medication for the bi-polar. And by the time I realize I can’t sleep it’s too late to take a sleeping pill.
    You’re right. The mixed state sucks big time.

  11. thordora June 29, 2007 at 9:55 am #

    oh the sleep thing! And the unable to work thing! ARGH! I’ve been on vibrate for the past few days-and right now, I feel like running around the house on fast forward.

    Sigh. And yet I’m down about stuff. I can’t win!

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