Binge the pain away

24 Jun

For those of you sick of hearing me bitching about

  • my fat ass
  • my bipolar
  • the shit state of my meds

Feel free to turn away now.

I can’t stop eating. I can’t. It’s not an emotional issue-I’m not anxious, not really bored. I’m single minded in my pursuit of something to eat lately, and it’s disgusting me AND scaring the crap out of me. I’m FAT. Gross fat, not cute fertility goddess fat. Weak willed fat, not shite gene fat.

My antidepressants aren’t really working, and I’ve decided to stop taking them. My moodstabilizers havent been doing a kick ass job either, and that’s been worrying me. I’ve been sleeping like I did prior to treatment-that is to say, like crap. I’ve been up and down and out of control and feeling like someone floating through ectoplasm in space, unaware of where anything ends or begins.

Something isn’t working.

Today, I stopped to really think about why I was eating. I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t stop it. I HAD to eat. And eat.

So just a little while ago, I didn’t a little research online regarding binge eating and bipolar. Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought about it. So now I’m thinking about looking into Toprimate to control the eating issues, which really only began when I started taking SSRI’s in January. I had been doing pretty good up until then.

I already had an appointment regarding the Wellbutrin in July. Now I have to go back saying “but let’s try this one now!”, knowing that my doctor won’t have any input unless I have some.

Everytime my weight bothers me, I can hear the voice of an old friend circling in my head, basically telling me I’m weak and lazy because I always complain and never do anything about it. And it’s fucking horrible to feel at the mercy of this whatever the fuck is wrong with my brain, this leech that seems to get worse instead of better with each drug I try. I feel powerless, hopeless and weak. A failure because I get bigger and bigger and more disgusting. Looking in the mirror today, I wanted to punch my hand though it. But then, i went back to eating regardless. I’m never full. I always want something, and I can’t control it. I was able to resist a cigarette better than this right now.

It’s to the point where I wish I was anorexic. I’m dreading going to my doctor about this, because I can see the judgement in his eyes when I’m there and discuss my weight. Like I’m something he stepped in because my ass gets bigger while he shrugs and offers nothing helpful. Telling myself that binge eating and retaining fat easily was likely an evolutionary advantage at one point isn’t helping either.

I feel so fucking helpless with all of this, you know? My weight IS leading me down that rocky path of dreaming about death. Because I am NOT happy in the body, but this body isn’t listening to me any more. This body makes me weak, and I’m tired of fighting with it, I’m tired of feeling the space I take up, the stares of people, the unease in public. I don’t like going anywhere, since anything I own barely fits suddenly in the last few months. Clothes I just got in January barely fit!

It all just makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry. I can’t win! Either I’m sorta fat and crazy, or I’m really fat and sorta crazy. I’m tired tired tired of trying to accept something i WILL NOT find acceptable, but I cannot fight. I’m sure someone is judging me for that right now, but I’m sorry. I can’t fight it. And I am alone with this, because no one ever wants to believe that food can be an issue like this-it’s not heroin or anything.

But what if my brain is so fucked up with the wiring right now that the simple impulse and release of good feelings is tied into my eating? How do I change that? How do I get strong to overcome that? Cause I’d really like to know, instead of being made to feel like shit because I can’t fight this every single day.

I’m seeing things again too-everything feels like it’s crumbling, and my giant fat ass which grows each day is only making my misery worse, as I try and hold in it tight.

When does it end? When do I get to see the goddamn sailboat? When do I get a fucking break with this shit, with this chronic fucking unrelenting bullshit eating my brain? Anything else, I’d either die, or get better. Period. This? This is like mold-you can bleach it all you want, but it’s still there in some form, and if you’re not careful, it will all grow back again.

I need to stop reading. This article reassures me that Hey! We don’t really know WHY you’re fat as all hell, but it might be normal, and for a bunch of reasons we can’t fix yet! WOO HOO! What’s REALLY frustrating is that all the abstracts that could help me are medical journals that are either sub only, or are like 50.00 to read!

17 Responses to “Binge the pain away”

  1. roxy June 24, 2007 at 9:17 pm #

    This sucks, sweetie. I wish I had answers, but I have no control either. The only thing keeping me from ballooning out of control is the milk factory. I know how it feels to be telling yourself perfectly rationally that you don’t need a fifth piece of pizza and a coke float and cheetos and a cookie or 6, but you load yourself up anyway like a zombie eating machine. I wish I knew what clicked in me before, because once I lose like 5 lbs I keep rolling with it. If I get an epiphane I’ll certainly share.

    And I’m never sick of your self-exploration. Let us journey with you, chica. Hang in there, love.

  2. CharmingDriver June 24, 2007 at 10:44 pm #

    Man. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. I wish I had great advice but I can only let you know you’re in my thoughts. Take care.

  3. tulip June 24, 2007 at 11:36 pm #

    I know I’m new, so I haven’t been through the archives on what meds you’ve tried. I know that SSRI’s and anti-depressants in general NEVER helped me correctly. I would feel better for a month or two and then slide right back into the shit. I started on Lamictal in November of last year. It’s a bipolar maintenance drug. It has almost eliminated my binge eating. One of it’s side effects is anorexia so you actually have to be careful. I don’t know if you have tried this one and I KNOW that no one medication works for everyone but I thought I’d add my experience if it might help.
    It’s not a cure all (what is???) but it’s certainly helping me right now.
    Try to hang on.

  4. tulip June 24, 2007 at 11:42 pm #

    Btw, feel free to email me if you want some more info or just want to talk. We’re with you. Take care.

    tuliptoe (at) gmail (dot) com

  5. ann adams June 25, 2007 at 12:09 am #

    If I had the solution, I’d be doing it myself.

    Meantime, I’m hanging in with you as best I can considering the distance.

  6. bine June 25, 2007 at 6:12 am #

    girl, that sucks. i wish there was something really helpful i could do or say.
    i know it’s hard enough to deal with weight issues alone, so i can imagine that handling binge eating and bipolar, however they may be connected, is too much. saying stupid stuff like “hang in there” and “i’m with you” won’t help much, i guess.
    don’t beat yourself up about not being able to handle it. if you were so weak, you wouldn’t have managed quitting smoking, i know it’s a damn hard thing to do. this is different. it’s an illness.
    have you considered changing doctors? i don’t know if this makes sense, i guess a doc has to get to know you better and treat you for a while to be more effective, but somehow i got the impression he’s not trying to be real helpful about that weight/eating thing. and i wonder if a good doc shouldn’t have considered a connection between bipolar and binge eating.

  7. thordora June 25, 2007 at 7:39 am #

    Bine, if I could switch doctors, I would. But there just aren’t enough doctors here. You don’t choose. You take what you can get. (and I could go own about how stupid it is that qualified doctors who have immigrated are driving cabs because of the small number of places for ungrading, but I won’t) We’re on a list, but so far, the only call we’ve received is about a doctor even father away from us, which compounds the issue.

    I’d love to have a doctor who cares, but I don’t think they exist here. My doctor has admitted he doesnt know much about bipolar, which is not helpful to say the least.

    Tulip, I’ve thought of the Lamitcal as well, but I think that drug is indicated more for individuals who lean towards mania-I lean more towards depression and mixed states, and I’m a rapid cycler, which has the added joy of being extremely hard to treat.

    Thank you for being here. I don’t know what to say either. I’m just tired of feeling the judgy eyes on me. Why eating is the one thing no one believes that you can’t control is eating me up. I watch everyone else stick to a diet, change their habits, and lose weight. Everyone but me. And if I could quit smoking, then it doesn’t make sense that I can’t stop stuffing my face.

  8. bipolar2000 June 25, 2007 at 8:16 am #

    I could have written the above post myself. I feel at the mercy of my mind. I’ve been there with the food. I have a friend who tells me I complain and then do nothing about my issues. Of course I can’t really talk to said friend about my medication issues which, are central to the whole problem because she is not as enlightened as one would hope a future doctor to be. (Not to say she’s not a good person, she’s a great person’ she just misunderstands). Medication sucks! This one makes me gain weight, that one makes me lose, this one makes me an insomniac, this one turns me into a narcoleptic. I’ve been titered up, titered down, to the extent that I don’t remember my real personality.

  9. weedragon June 25, 2007 at 1:51 pm #

    Thordora, I take lamictal too, and I pretty much lean more towards the depressive side too, and am rarely manic. I never heard anything about it being more for mania, but I’m not an expert by any stretch. As far as binge eating is concerned, I really don’t know what to say except that I sincerely hope your doc starts to stand up and take notice. It’s incredibly frustrating when no one will listen to you and all you need is some help, but as long as you’re just “ok” enough and not trying to kill anyone, you don’t qualify for anything other than passing interest. I’m sorry you’re going through all this crap.

  10. thordora June 25, 2007 at 2:14 pm #

    You’re right-I’m thinking of another drug-Lamitcal is actually apparently good at treating Bipolar 1, targetted at predominate depressives and does NOT trigger mixed states/rapid cycles. My bad. 🙂

    I might in fact want to look into the Lamitcal and Toprimine together-the Trileptal just isn’t cutting it.

  11. allyo June 25, 2007 at 8:59 pm #

    I don’t have first-hand experience with bipolar, but I do think that there’s something that triggers overeating in women – probably a lot of somethings – but I’m thinking specifically about hormone shifts as we move through childbearing and head toward menopause. And I sure do understand compulsive eating when depressed. I’ve felt what you’re describing to some degree and it’s an awful, hateful feeing, not being able to set limits for yourself.

    I wish you could change doctors but barring that, are there any local support groups that would help? Or online communities? I looked into overeaters anonymous once, that may not be the solution, but I know that not feeling alone can make a huge difference.

    I’ll admit I’ve been thinking about this post all day wanting to offer up the perfect solution but of course I don’t have it. I hope the meds suggested by other readers offer some relief and please please please, don’t hate yourself. You are not getting the medical help you need, not as someone who suffers from mental illness, nor as a woman. That is NOT your fault.

  12. Billychic June 26, 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    Hey Darlin’, I’m sorry you are feeling so damn shitty. I can relate to part of what you’re going through; the bipolar I can’t (or, at least, I dont’ think I can – I’ve got some undiagnosed issues I’m sure) but the weight/overeating thing and having it press in on me from all sides until it becomes this suffocating horror show has been like a shadow since I can remember.
    Have you talked to your doctor about Topomax? It’s about time I posted a thing about it, because I started taking it about six months ago for the BPV/Vestibular Migraines, and it did curb the appetite a wee bit; but I’m on a super small dose. Some docs give it to people in a little higher dose simply as an appetite suppressant. So, I dunno. I was scared it would make me stupid or something, and it did’t, of course (I already was!).

    I send you cyber hugs and hope you get through this – and I hate to sound like a freaking commercial, but the Nutrisystem thing really helped me, you might wanna check it out. You get to eat CHOCOLATE. Hee. Xoxo

  13. Magdalena June 26, 2007 at 3:07 pm #

    I don’t know if I missed it somewhere, but have you tried Topamax? I have been reading about it and heard that it works well for binge eating/ bulemia, bipolar 1 and 2, etc. Also controls migraines, which I have as well. I’m scared shitless to try it though because I have heard the side effects are fucking awful. Wish I had the magic key for us both, to tell you the truth.

  14. thordora June 27, 2007 at 8:41 am #

    I’m going to ask my doctor about Lamitcal and Topamax next week at my appointment. AND for a referral back to the shrink who originally diagnosed me. Something has to give.

    I stopped the antidepressants, since I think they’re having the crap affect they can have sometimes.

  15. Billychic June 27, 2007 at 11:14 am #

    Yeah, the Topamax (ugh, I spelled it wrong before) DID help, so I’m glad to see someone else also suggested it. As with anything, make sure your doc knows what’s up w/ all the meds…that stuff is for epileptics, but the upside to the medication is that it’s good for headaches and an appetite suppressant in low doses.

    My shrink was asking all kinds of questions just prescribing me diazepam when I told him I was on the Topamax…so be careful how you cocktail.

  16. Kristan August 8, 2007 at 8:47 pm #

    I read your letter and almost thought I wrote it. I am twenty five next month and have never been skinny. My twin sister managed to lose sixty pounds and my mother did the same. I was the only one left in the family to be over weight. I was so depressed. I would go to bed and tell my self I am not going to eat tomorrow. I would wake in the middle of the night at leat four times and eat a high carb food. I had my second child and things only got worse.I gained weight dayly. I didn’t know where to turn.I prayed I would find a way that soon my day would come where I could lose weight and have the energy needed to play with my kids. I thank God he showed me my problem. I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy close too four months ago. I have been taking medication call alert teck I also someting for my cataplexy. I tell you I feel like the world I was living in was completely wiped away. I no longer every have cravings for carbs. I can go all day and not have to eat anything. I know thats not how to lose weight safly. I am amazed that this has cured my bing eating. I am able to multitask and stay awake all day. If you are always tired I would ask your doc to send you to a sleep clinic. Go and look up narcolepsy you will find the four sighns and symtoms you do not need to have all four to have narcolepsy.Oh and if you can’t afford to go to private clinic you will wait a long time to get into a government payed clinic.
    I have found what was holding me back from being everything the lord sacraficed his life for. Please do not give up on your self. When its yout time you will find the answer. Pray everyday for your answer it took almost ten years to find out why I was so tired all the time.

  17. Lisa September 15, 2007 at 4:27 am #

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I feel the same way and I think it is not due to medication but due to bipolar disorder. I am currently 24 but I don’t think that I have been happy since I was 10. By 15 I had an eating disorder and by 19 I decided that the only way to lose weight was cocaine. I’ve been sober since I was 21, but I’ve gained over 100 pounds since I’ve gotten sober. But since then I’ve been so upset by my weight gain that I’ve subjected myself to bullemia, self-mutilation, and I’ve considered suciude. If I didn’t believe in hell, I would have killed myself 5 years ago. But that is neither here nor there, my weight gain and my inability to control it usually occur when I am not on my medication. Although, I better than most, know the struggles of medication (God, I’ve been on Prozac, so much neurontiln that when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t see straight, lexapro, wellbutrin, and lamictal) I find that my problems stem from my inablility to take my medication regularly. Again, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this because I freaking hate it myself. But, best of luck to you and please understand that there are others who deal with the same pain. Contact me if you need anything- I know how hard it can be to live life.

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