16 Jun

How to you reconcile views when you hate your body, and your partner loves it?

I’m having some body issues, just like I do every summer. More specifically, regardless of any changes to my eating habits (like, oh, no more sugar pop, less junk) I seem to be bloating, if not gaining weight. I’m assuming it’s some weird bloat, since everytime I weigh myself nothing has changed.

I didn’t have the best night with all of this last night. I feel like I’m trapped within this fat fucking body, trapped within a mind that can’t control how I eat, what I eat without this total focus on food, something I’m not sure I’m willing to do. I get exercise, to the degree that I can, and I’m trying to up it again. But I can’t help but feel like it doesn’t matter, that it won’t help.

I’m about 300 pounds. That’s right. 300 POUNDS. I’m a baby elephant. After quitting smoking and eating through my last pregnancy, I gained 50 pounds. And I can’t help but feel I won’t get it off. The only time I do lose weight is when I’m so depressed I eat nothing. At this point, that seems like a good time.

But Mogo says he doesn’t see it. He says he likes my size, my shape. But how do I live comfortably with either view? How can I enjoy his contentment when I loathe myself somedays?

I don’t want to be this big. I’ve always been active but fuck, anymore walking hurts my feet so bad I limp for the rest of the day after walking for 40 minutes. I can’t breathe when I walk fast-it’s like my lungs seize up. My calves burn. I feel disgusting walking up the road trying to hide myself under a giant sweater when it’s 80 degrees outside.

I feel like I take up too much room. I feel like I become sexless, personless at this size. And I hate it.

I feel so powerless with this. I find myself eating when I’m not hungry-if I stop to analyze why I’m eating and stop, I crave and crave and desire that food until I either eat something else or break down and eat it.

Why am I always addicted to something? At this point, I’d rather be smoking since I wouldn’t look so fucking grotesque.

Shit…I dunno…I’m just tired of feeling so fucking bloated and fat all the time. It’s all I think of at this point.

26 Responses to “F.A.T.”

  1. Jenny R June 16, 2007 at 8:21 am #

    This post says what I am feeling – we are about the same size. I am 40 and now my concern I worry about major health issues this will cause. My husband says I a fine – wow – I feel all that you feel, the walking, disgust and sexless. The only good thing…now I know I am not alone. I want to change …

  2. Netter June 16, 2007 at 9:12 am #

    Opposite boat, hubby has no problems letting me know I’m fat. He still desires me (at the most inopportune times), but he’d like me to be thinner, healthier… So would I. I weighed 270 earlier this week and I was so disgusted.

  3. bine June 16, 2007 at 9:13 am #

    i know this seizing up of the lungs and burning of the calves. that’s on of my main problems, that once you’re overweight moving to get it off gets real hard.
    i just got a new bike that’ll also bring me withing reach of the next public pool. that’ll hopefully help some.
    i try to eat healthy but i give in to a lot of cravings. amazingly, there are days where i have no problems walking by the sweet and greasy stuff in the store, on others i will run out at midnight to get some gummy bears.
    has no doctor contributed anything useful about that bloating phenomenon yet? i remember a couple of weeks ago you were also thinking about seeing a nutricionist. this just can’t stay like this. it doesn’t make sense.

  4. thordora June 16, 2007 at 9:33 am #

    My doctor gives me the impression that since I’m fat, it’s all just me.

    I’ve had my thyroid tested numerous times, to no avail. But two things concern me-one, mood swings from thyroid can mimic bipolar disorder, and two, the “usual” readings that GP’s consider as negative/positive for thyroid are smaller than what an endochronologist might. So my concern has been, for awhile, that there is something physical manifesting itself.

    Not that any doctor I’ve seen has been at all concerned.When I asked about the bloating, I was told to eat more fibre. Which i’ve been doing, not that it’s helped. I feel MORE bloated.

    I’m still able to be active, but it’s a far cry from the girl who could walk 10-15 kms in a day and not ever feel it, the entire time in heavy army boots. I used to walk everywhere, and now, I either don’t have the time, or I can’t go as far/as fast as I’d like, either because the girls are with me, and Vivian has to walk, or because I’m lugging my lap top, and I am not walking the 3/4 kms to work with it on my shoulder.

    I need a laptop backpack and a stationary bike. Something. I know I won’t go to a gym (I don’t have the time for that).

    I just keep trying. But I wonder if we see ourselves in a harsher light than anyone else. Mogo keeps reminding me that I’ve never been a small girl, even when I was half this weight. Shit, at 150, I STILL had a gut, and i was still a size 14/16. I just can’t fucking win. At that weight, I was rarely eating and high as a kite, walking everywhere all the time. So is that the secret? Do drugs and don’t eat.

    Sigh…It sounds shitty, but I’m glad I’m not alone with this.

  5. Jennnifer June 16, 2007 at 10:03 am #

    Have you ever looked into PCOS? Check it out, 50% of overweight women actually have this condition. It affects the metabolism making it very hard to loose weight.

    As for the cravings, have you ever read anything on emotional eating? You are a giant walking emotion Thor, it would make sense that your emotions could trigger cravings. That I can’t help you with, shit, I can’t help myself with it.

    And I think that every woman is critical about their bodies. As I’ve been working on self acceptance and trying to understand myself more, I’ve been gaining more confidence with myself and my shape. I’m getting to the point where if I never loose another pound I’d probably be OK with it. Of course, its an uphill struggle.

  6. thordora June 16, 2007 at 10:15 am #

    I’ve looked into PCOS, but many of the symptoms that make sense I don’t have-I have the most regular periods in the world, and we’ve already demonstrated that fertility is NOT a problem. BUT, I’ve suddenly in the last few months seen my weight explode in the waist/stomach area, and don’t get me started on the skin tag thing.

    However, I feel VERY uncomfortable trying to pry an opinion other than “you’re a fat pig” from my doctor. (and no, he hasn’t said that, but any doctor that writes OBESE on your file and says NOTHING to you about trying to lose the weight, or to offer assistance I don’t feel very comfortable with. And he wrote that when I was 50 pounds lighter too)

    I wish I had a doctor I liked and trusted. I don’t. So I just plug along…

  7. thordora June 16, 2007 at 10:15 am #

    And I could be more accepting of my size if I wasn’t rapidly running out of sizes I could wear, and I didn’t look like shit regardless of what I do wear.

  8. peppylady June 16, 2007 at 10:27 am #

    Actual sex and the way one looks general have nothing to do with a long term relationship.
    23 years ago my hubby had a full head of hair although now it thinned out a lot. But I say our love is even stronger.

    I understand about being over weight which I am. But I now can’t blame anyone but my self.
    I’ve been trying to change my habits so they are more healthier habits someday s are good and other aren’t so good.

  9. Heather June 16, 2007 at 11:00 am #

    Well, you still weigh less than me. I don’t know how that’s supposed to console you or anything, though.

    I just had full blood panels drawn at my annual exam and everything came back normal.

    And my husband is the same way. Granted, he’s always liked big women, I’ve seen pictures of his previous girlfriends. Strangely enough what drew him to me was my confidence, which I seem to have lost about 100 pounds and five years of untreated depression ago.

    Stupid question – do you eat a lot of processed food? How much water do you drink? Excess sodium + dehydration = bloat. You should see my face right now – it was hot yesterday, I blew flex points on dinner at Burger King since we were rushing to get from work to a party, and I had a ton of pretzels and didn’t drink nearly enough water. Tons of sodium, hot weather, dehydrated. I look awful this AM.

    Anyway, I hope you figure it out. Weight Watchers is working for me, even when I screw up a little.

  10. cherylann June 16, 2007 at 11:17 am #

    you’re not alone. obviously.

  11. Jennnifer June 16, 2007 at 12:09 pm #

    For a long time I didn’t have all of the major symptoms besides the weight gain, infertility and no periods. That’s all I had. Now that they have actually changed the diagnostic criteria to a syndrome vs a disease (because women can be very fertile and have regular periods and still have it). The message board Soul Cysters has a wealth of information on it. They also have various diets that you can try, the one that has the most success is the Insulin Resistance Diet.

    My doctor was an ass too. It wasn’t until I browbeated several doctors into a referral to a reproductive specialist that I got an official diagnosis. To which my doctor was all like “oh, well I knew it all along”, which was I suppose the reason why the first doctor told me I was “looking” for a reason to be fat. Yeah, cause like ALL women aim to be fat eh?

  12. roxy June 16, 2007 at 1:00 pm #

    Can you ride a bike or swim? That would be low impact for a while to avoid the straining your bones. The bloating thing… I’d think that the fiber increase would make it worse temporarily until you adjust. I get terrible gas when I eat anywhere near enough fiber to be healthy, but it settles after a bit.

    I know how frustrating it is to feel like you have no control. I struggle with my complusion to overeat every day, and most days I lose.

    Can you see an endocrimologist easily in Canada? I know in the US it can be hard to get referrals & stuff… but I never thought about the thyroid issue. That very well could be the reason for the weight gain and the mood stuff.

    Good luck.

  13. CharmingDriver June 16, 2007 at 1:24 pm #

    First, to all of you ladies feeling out of sorts with your bodies and especially those feeling disgusted or dusgusting, so many many hugs. Been there before because of weight and am there now due to illness. It sucks, it burns, it hurts and it becomes consuming.

    Several years ago I thought a truck-ton of weight and I wish I could say it was as easy as doing A, B and C but it was so much more complicated. It was a combination of finding exercise I liked, food that didn’t make me feel deprived and staying focused. None of which are easy separately much less together.

    In lieu of actual suggestions, I will again default to pointing to another site, Carmen’s ELFF Diet. She’s lost about 60 lbs this year and has some great ideas about taking small steps and mastering small changes. I think that is key because the fact is we don’t gain a lot of weight overnight and it can’t come off overnight. Breaking it down to bite size pieces (pun intended, heh), can make it seem less insurmountable.

    But honey, stop hiding in sweaters when you’re sweltering. I know (beeeeeeeelieve me, I know) the draw of wanting to ”disguise our size” but it only makes you more aware of it because you’re just that much more uncomfortable. No matter your size, there are always cooler, lighter t-shirts and comfortable walking shorts available. Taking off the camouflage can make it at least less daunting to take a walk or get moving.

  14. CharmingDriver June 16, 2007 at 1:25 pm #

    Errr ”thought a truck ton of weight = lost a truck ton of weight”. Duh.

  15. bine June 17, 2007 at 6:07 am #

    laptop backpack and bike sound good. gym isn’t for me either – the men at the mixed gym got on my nerves and when i tried an all women’s gym i got the feeling everyone just kept staring at my ass to feel less fat themselves. it was depressing.
    i’m having this same argument with myself – that even at 150 i had a gut and a broad backside, but i just know that i felt so much better at 150. i wanna be back there, i don’t care about the gut.
    yes, the drugs used to help, but i’m quite glad i’m off that for now. there must be other ways.
    i’d love to know charmingdrivers perfect combination – i know everyone needs to find their own, but sometimes it helps to hear about what other people come up with.
    i just read a blog where someone claims you can cut a huge amount of calories from your diet by drinking only calorie-free drinks, meaning not only quitting alcohol, soda pops and hot chocolate but also juices and milk. she says if you do your math you’ll find out you’re probably taking in a pizza’s worth of calories each day through drinks. i don’t know what she’s been drinking, but i can’t come up with more than 250 calories.
    she also promotes eating more fruit (i do), putting tempting food in inconventient places (tried that, doesn’t work. i’ll climb everywhere when those cravings start. as i said, i’ll even run out at night for wine gums), using smaller plates so the small servings look bigger, great tip, if you’re not having seconds, which is her next tip. the last tip is not picking off other peoples’ plates. sigh.

  16. thordora June 17, 2007 at 6:44 am #

    Ha. TOn of weight cutting out calorie laden beverages. I’ve DONE that-the worst I have now is an occasional full calorie coke or some orange juice. It’s made absolutely ZERO difference. Same with cutting creme out of coffee, or almost eliminating all greasy food. Nuthin. I know that increasing exercise is important too, but come on! I’ve likely eliminated 500-900 empty calories a day-you’d think I’d have something to show for it!

    I’m just gonna try and get out whenever possible. Chasing Rosalyn around when we were out yesterday was good exercise!

  17. Heather June 17, 2007 at 2:42 pm #

    So get a laptop backpack 😀 If it weren’t for the fact your laptop would die if you fell off the bike, I’d say get a Kecci Mommybag and use that (it’s not padded) because they’re so damn cool and have lots of pockets for wireless mice, batteries, USB drives etc. I love mine and I use it for my laptop, but I’m walking or in the car whenever I take it anywhere.

  18. CharmingDriver June 17, 2007 at 7:52 pm #

    Bine, I wasn’t trying to be vague or unhelpful, honestly. I just didn’t want to come off like ”this worked for me and it will work for you, too” because it’s not a magic cure-all. Just what worked for me.

    I can eat the same thing over & over & over and not get bothered. I got into the habit of lots of water, some diet coke (breaking my life long addiction to Mountain Dew was the first step and it took almost THREE MONTHS) and low or no fat milk (while it is smart to not drink your calories, milk is essential, I think). I also started walking, every day. I mean like it was an appointment that I would get fired for missing. It’s not that easy for people with kids or other obligations but I started slow (less than 1/2 mile) and eventually worked up to 5+ miles 3-4 times a week. As for the food, like I said, I am incredibly simple minded (and laaaaaazy) so I would alternate weeks of fruit and toast (or bagel) for breakfast, tuna and crackers for lunch and chicken with vegetables and salad for dinner. Few snacks until I lost about 50 lbs (because I knew I would cheat my way into undoing all the ”good” I had done, at least at first until my habits and appetite changed). On non-tuna/chicken weeks, I would have oatmeal/raisin bran (or some other ”grown up” cereal) for breakfast, peanut butter sandwich with fruit and milk for lunch and steak, rice, veggies for dinner. I can’t remember the other ”weeks” off hand but seriously, it was just finding what I could stand to eat and getting into new habits. Almost NO fast food or take out, at all until I was well on my way to my goal weight because again, I knew not to trust myself, heh.

    Anyway. Again, I don’t want to be all ”this will work for YOU” but if it helps, you’re welcome to it. Good luck you guys. I know it seems like such a challenge, and it is, but it’s not one you can’t meet. Promise.

  19. thordora June 17, 2007 at 8:40 pm #

    I just need to find the “pissy, half vegatarian, can’t eat dairy/eggs” diet.

    It makes it incredibly difficult between my issues and the things I can’t eat. I try to throw in more, but man…I wish my body was a little more accepting of food.

    Got a SHIT load of exercise today though.. 🙂

    And nothing works for everyone. Except exercise and moderation. I don’t know about anyone else though, but I’m lazy as shit.

  20. bine June 18, 2007 at 4:20 am #

    thank you, charmingdriver, i was really just curious.
    even though i know everyone needs his or her own perfect combination of excercise and diet, sometimes it’s very enlightening to read what worked for others.
    i’m aiming for a 1.000 yards swim three times a week with a little biking and walking in between for a start, may raise that after i got used to it.
    diet is more of a problem since i’m cooking for two (or my other half is cooking) and he’s not likely to adapt to a toast/tuna/veggie diet (and i just can’t imagine watching him dig into wok noodles while having a salad myself). but we both want to eat healthier so we’ve already eliminated a lot of fast food and added more veggies and fruit.
    off to the pool now! 🙂

  21. Heather (AmeriMama) June 18, 2007 at 9:50 am #

    Weight watchers? Except I know the only reason it works for me is because I’m a listmaker and very budget oriented, oh, and it’s easy. Maybe you have to find something which fits with your personality.

  22. thordora June 18, 2007 at 10:12 am #

    Yeah, the weighwatchers things….too many creepy users at work-plus, it’s not my style. I’m only retentive in that way when I’m very manic. If I was like that all the time, it would totally work. Sadly, I’m not.

  23. R June 18, 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. Stuff yourself silly. Greatly reduce your risk of cancer and heart disease. No exercise needed. Three glasses of water per day, not 12. No eggs. No meat. No dairy. Okay, so totally vegan but tailored to vegetarian if you really feel the need. Imagine. 20 pounds in the first month. No joke. The healthiest way to live, hands down. It just takes dedication before it becomes habit.

  24. Jason Dufair June 20, 2007 at 12:09 pm #

    Thor – can I recommend over a year of abstinence and the fear of never making sweet love again in your life to motivate you to lose 55 lbs (and counting)? Hey – it’s just what works for me 🙂 I’ll email Mogo and see if I can get him to help in this way… 😉

    Seriously, “YOU on a Diet” has saved my life, as you know. I now only eat lean proteins, fruits, veggies, whole grains, and nuts. (Where “only” means, oh, 85-90% of the time). I did Weight Watchers and am too ADD to keep track of what I eat and drink. Now, I don’t have to. I just don’t have the cravings. And I was a chocoHOLIC.

    As far as I’m concerned, I’m treating white flour, sugar, and all of their cousins like drugs. Because that’s effectively what they are. Unnecessary for health or survival, dangerous over the long haul, and a hell of a lot of fun. I’m following the wisdom of the great (cough) Nancy Reagan and Just Saying No!

    All I can say is I feel you on the “all-consuming” thing. I’ve been there. I was at 290 pounds last year. It sucks. Bad. I just want to give you a hug. I think you’re sexy in your pics and super sexy in your words. I hope you find success and peace in this endeavor.

  25. PJ (RightNow) June 26, 2007 at 11:29 pm #

    I’m glad I found your blog. You know, I think you’re just fine how you are if that’s where you want to be, but if you want to lose weight so you’ll feel better, more power to you.

    I weighed 482 lbs not long ago. I weigh 379 now. I couldn’t even hardly walk when I began. I “hobbled”, every step in pain. Now I can lift weights at a beginner level and do some mild walking. I depended on someone to do my shopping and anything around my house. Now I can do that and mow the lawn and so on.

    I am not a diet evangelist, and I believe everybody’s body is unique, so what works great for me may not be the answer for you. I post this comment just to share, since you were so open.

    There are some built-in advantages to my eating plan (lowcarb), in particular appetite suppression and satiety that drastically reduce the chronic weak-hungry-craving effect that typical lowfat/highcarb diets have, that tend to lead people to guilty binge eating and further metabolic damage from it.

    But it needs to be done right. There is more misinformation and outright hysteria and politics about it than nearly anything, so before diving in it’s worth reading a book about it (I recommend something like the Drs. Eades ‘Protein Power Life Plan’) so you know what you’re doing. I know a lot of people who never bothered learning about it, screwed it up and then blamed their failure on the plan, so learn for yourself if you can. Read a book, go to a low carb forum (try lowcarber.org’s forum) and talk to people there about it, even before doing it if you want, to learn more about it.

    I have a blog post that details some of the improvements that I’ve seen in my body and life as a result. http://thedivinelowcarb.blogspot.com/2007/01/lowcarb-examples-of-my-improvement.html if it’s not apropo to post this link here feel welcome to delete this paragraph from the paragraph.

    I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

  26. thordora June 27, 2007 at 9:04 am #

    Thank you for your thoughts. I’m trying to see if I can adjust my meds first, since I think they and my disorder are more the cause then anything. I didn’t really pack it on until the bipolar really flared up.

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