It’s amazing what 4 days of kid free living will do to a girl.
I’ve been, how shall we put this……an asshat the last few days. My moods have been swinging, I have had zero patience for either child, and I’ve been angry and yelly.
Part of this is stress. Aside from flying, I haven’t had a real day off in a few weeks. We’re working on a major project (total survey revamp across our company) and I’m a little busy. Between travel and working at home and the kids and the stuff I need to do around the house, I’m a little short on patience. Don’t get me wrong-I love working from home, the fact that my boss is so flexible is worth all the little 500.00 bonuses in the world. But it’s HARD. Anyone who tells you working at home with small kids is easy is lying through their teeth.
I think a lot of it is a need for some alone time right now. Sure, when I was travelling I was by myself, but there is something about smushing my ass into a tight seat and having no arm room that ruins it. Being up until 1 am working each night and sick with an infection didn’t help either.
More than anything the transition back to noise and talking and children was hard this time. To have a glimpse of life without them, what could have been-it was heady stuff. (And I don’t mention this in a “gee, I wanna leave way. Just as a fact) To have a couple of days where the only voices you hear are adults, where you can sit and listen to whatever music you want without whining or crying or being asked to turn it off, to casually eat a meal slowly while reading-these are things about being childless that I miss desperately right now.
I know that soon, I’ll have plenty of time to myself, that childhood is fleeting, fragile like glass, but dammit it felt good to have some room to breathe, to not have the velcro that are my children attached to me, to sleep in a bed without worry or fear of a child waking up crying. To feel for a minute or two that I was without cause or responsibility for someone else-to focus solely on my job and nothing else-I’ve missed these feelings!
And I’ve been angry readjusting to my life. But I never appreciated what I had before kids, the time, the space, the quiet. And I crave it-my body, my mind needs that mental space that’s been missing for the last 2 weeks or so (not counting the grocery trip, which was at 8pm after working from home with the kids all day). I need some time to decompress, to just be, to find a zen place in my heart and mind again.
I feel mostly, like I’m missing something. Something simple and profound and oh so very important.
We live in our own world,
A world that is too small
For you to stoop and enter
Even on hands and knees,
The adult subterfuge.
And though you probe and pry
With analytic eye,
And eavesdrop all our talk
With an amused look,
You cannot find the centre
Where we dance, where we play,
Where life is still asleep
Under the closed flower,
Under the smooth shell
Of eggs in the cupped nest
That mock the faded blue
Of your remoter heaven.
Spin Me I Pulsate 
No Kidding!! My 3 year old is on a “privacy” kick when she needs to use the potty. Meanwhile, I can’t remember the last time I went to the bathroom without interruption. Yikes!
I got really angry not to long ago at having to self-diagnose my depression. The thought of all that wasted time pre-Jamie, when I could have been easily doing the things I love that I have to cram in a few minutes here and there made me furious. Instead I moped and weeped and ate and wished away days upon days…
I hear you on the velcro. I get a decent amount of time alone, but there are days when it would be so nice to hang around playing guitar all morning, or sit with a cup of coffee and the paper, perhaps look over at my lover and smile once in a while.
Really loved that poem. My remoter heaven indeed.