Jiggle, jump….

17 May

My salt shakers jiggle on my desk.

Outside it’s cold rain, ice rain, like the frost on the side of a bottle of vodka fresh from the freezer.

I’m not hungry today. How does that happen, that one day my stomach has had enough, and listens to itself? Does it turn on itself, tell half to shape up or ship out? I always wanted to be one of those women who stop eating when stressed or sad. I eat. Unless I’m really really bad, then I eat nothing. Nothing for days and days.

My body has been in flux, jiggling and settling, trying to find my middle ground. It states in mirrors that it is far too large, too soft and jelly. Too much. I take up too much space. I feel that I should apologize for taking it up.

So much space. I fill more than I ever wanted to. I stare at my thighs thinking, there is a woman somewhere whose waist is the size of one leg. One. I stare at my arms wondering when exactly they became the arms of some old lady, when the wrinkles started, when the dimpled cellulite because visible.

If I could half myself, I would. I no longer wish to jiggle. I no longer wish to be that woman who takes up too much room.

5 Responses to “Jiggle, jump….”

  1. Marcy May 17, 2007 at 12:21 pm #

    Have you ever read Anne Lamott? I bet you would like her, particularly her description of how her thighs continued to slap against one another after she stopped moving… she is wonderfully frank, funny, and compassionate.

  2. bine May 17, 2007 at 1:04 pm #

    oh yes, and going on planes is real fun. i feel the constant urge to apologize for spilling out of my seat.
    and i remember one time when i walked behind this two italian guys i knew (yes, i admit, they’re very skinny, but nevertheless) and suddenly realised i could fit both those little butts into a pair of my trousers. yuck.

    i hope rain, ice and snow will give way to spring again soon. the sun usually brings nicer thoughts for me.

  3. kassie May 17, 2007 at 9:09 pm #

    I know how you feel. I am feeling older lately, noticing lines etc. Its depressing and what is worse is I dont have the desire or umpf to work on it. Particularly bothersome is the place on my belly where I can see and feel where the baby used to be. Jiggly, wiggly, wierd.

  4. Oh, The Joys May 17, 2007 at 9:56 pm #

    Weirdly, I am not hungry on days when I move around and STARVING on days when I am still. WTF?

  5. thordora May 18, 2007 at 7:58 am #

    I’m always hungry when I’m sitting on my ass at work-work from home days, or days off, I barely eat. Not that it makes a difference…

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