I’m annoyed, with bonus

10 May

I’m annoyed that I’m always craving crap to eat, and then eating it. I’m annoyed that I seemingly have no self control. I stare longingly at runners swiftly moving past me, their bodies compact and ready. I stare down at my expanding self, and wonder how long until there isn’t enough room for me to spread into any longer.

I can’t control my eating. Why is there always one thing I seem to be unable to resist? And is this the trade off from not smoking? 50lbs or more? Why can’t I ignore that screaming need to eat the worst thing within my sight?

How do I retrain myself to eat only good things, especially when those around me are uninterested in trying to, or learning with me?

I’m annoyed that things that fit 3 months ago, loosely, are now tight. I’m annoyed that I haven’t gained any actual weight, and this is still the case. I’m annoyed that my foot hurts so much when I walk, keeping me from walking more.

I’m annoyed that there are days when I hate my body so much that I would tear it apart with razors. I’m annoyed that there are days when I hate myself so much, hate that I’m running out of sizes, annoyed that it’s all so far out of my reach and control.

I’m annoyed that I don’t have a doctor who will help me. I’m annoyed that I won’t be able to find on who will. I’m annoyed that all of this makes me feel even more helpless.

I’m annoyed that I have no will anymore, that it’s been leached out of my by childbirth, or tiredness, or by the simple sense of wanting to find something for me. Since I quit smoking, I’ve always been craving something, anything. I silent craving that seems just as, if not more dangerous than the smoking.

I’m annoyed that I want to cry, that I feel trapped within this body that isn’t me, within these feelings that I don’t own, behind this mouth I cannot stop.

I’m annoyed that I don’t know how to help me either.

14 Responses to “I’m annoyed, with bonus”

  1. Netter May 10, 2007 at 11:06 am #

    I’m with you Thora. I can’t stop eating crap. I weigh more now than when I gave birth. I hate the way I look. I hate what my weight is doing to my relationship with my husband. I can’t feel sexy like this. I try to limit myself and I do well for like 5 days and then it’s eating machine time.

  2. Netter May 10, 2007 at 11:06 am #

    I forgot to mention, I often think of surgery. One of our publications is all about obesity surgery. I want to call one of the doctors to see if he could fix me.

  3. peppylady May 10, 2007 at 11:13 am #

    I’m embarrass how much I’ve gain and the way I look. But what also bothers me is the lack of movement I have.
    I feel like I move like a walrus.

  4. thordora May 10, 2007 at 11:18 am #

    I’ve TOTALLY seriously considered asking for the lap band. But like Magdalena pointed out-the lap band won’t help what is essentially a MENTAL issue.

    Fucking sucks.

    Walrus is right Peppy.

  5. Jennnifer May 10, 2007 at 11:18 am #

    I get annoyed with myself too. I see it as a self-destructive behavior. It has to be.

    Monday and tuesday I was up at 5 am. I walked on the treadmill, I did weights and I rode on the excercise bike. I felt great. But I was hungry.

    Wednesday I could not manage to get out of bed at 5, so I slept until 6:30. Then I felt like crap all damn day and ate. Junk.

    Today, looks like the same kind of day. Why do I do this to myself?

    I’ve been looking at “Shring Yourself” its a book about emotional eating. I “know” I am an emotional eater, I “know” what I need to do…substitute a healthy habit for the bad habit. But fuck, I can’t do it. Try as I might. I WANT junk.

    When you find the answer, let me know eh?

  6. Jason Dufair May 10, 2007 at 12:26 pm #

    Thor – I know exactly what you’re talking about. I gained 70 pounds in the 9 years since Alyssa was born. I’ve now managed to take 50 of them back off and I’d like to think I know why, but I also hope I’m not deluding myself and that it will all come back someday. Food is definitely comfort.

    I will say that I’m using my more disciplined times (i.e. daylight) to leverage my less disciplined times (i.e. nighttime). If I lay off the white flour and sugar during the day (relatively easy), the cravings don’t come nearly as hard or strong at night. Not that I would construe this as advice. It’s just what’s working for me now. I’m trying to use the same mindset as I did when I quit smoking. Quitting smoking is a million times easier than losing weight. You don’t need to smoke, but you need to eat. I guess I’m treating white flour and sugar like I did the smokes. I don’t need those.

    I wish I could help ya, my friend. Keep us in on this discussion anyway. That’s bound to help some.

  7. thordora May 10, 2007 at 2:01 pm #

    Sewing my mouth shut would work.

    I know I eat for comfort. I was a skinny kid, and when my mother died, I could eat what I wanted when I was alone.

    Which was all the time.

    Plus, I used to smoke as a break-now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just be alone with my thoughts now that I don’t smoke. It’s weird…

  8. Marcy May 10, 2007 at 2:53 pm #

    How to be alone with your thoughts… Take up knitting? Something to do with your hands that doesn’t require your utmost attention…?

    What’s your learning style? Maybe you’re one of those who does better taking a class than reading the book… i.e. maybe a gym or health club, something with some kind of financial commitment and / or personal accountability might help. Old and not-so-hip as it is, my mom has done really well with Weight-Watchers, largely because you have to go to the meeting and fess up each week.

    Regardless… you are more than your body, more than your eating habits; you are worth the effort to eat well and maintain health, but you aren’t worthless when the self-control and motivation and inclination elude you.

  9. Bromac May 10, 2007 at 6:15 pm #

    I’m sorry.

    I am still smoking, so I imagine that I will soon understand exactly what you’re talking about when you say you don’t know what to do with yourself on those smoking outings.

    Just take it day by day. Hour by Hour..hell, minute by minute if you need to. Go easy on yourself, and give yourself credit for having achieved something. Even the self-awareness of the issue is something.

    You can do it, dude!

  10. bine May 10, 2007 at 7:31 pm #

    can’t really add anything worthwhile. i gained about 50 pounds during the last five years. no, that’s not correct, i gained those during the first three to four years, now i’ve been more or less stuck there for over a year. weight slowly started coming off when we quit eating crap at nighttime while staying up late.
    the last time i really lost a lot of weight, swimming did a good job. it’s not as hard on your joints as jogging if you’re overweight, i enjoy being in the water, so that worked well for me. it’s just that days seem to have a couple of hours less now, somehow i always feel i can’t make it without rushing, so i never get around to it.
    i feel weak, and heavy, and frustrated. but i can already feel the first few pounds that have come off and i’m determined to work off some more.

  11. mercurial scribe May 11, 2007 at 5:07 am #

    Okay, this is a weird bit but i somehow felt it was appropriate.

    “A heart that hurts is a heart that works.” – Juliana Hatfield

    You couldn’t be annoyed unless you had a will to fight personal mediocrity and defeat. That whole concept of “it’s good to feel pain because it lets you know you’re still alive” is valid here. i know it’s frustrating (i’m fighting 65 lbs work of medication and depression weight), i know doctors can suck (can we say “worker’s comp” everybody?), i know it’s frustrating when you feel out of control. But control is regained with complaining, expressing yourself, reaching out, getting fed up with it, educating yourself, empowering yourself. And then, slowly, you begin to regain that will power. Inch by inch, you make yourself stop and think and reconsider your life and your choices, bite by bite, moment by moment. Slowly slowly.

    i don’t want to come off as preachy… i just feel your frustration so deeply because it was once my own. Please know that it hurts because you’re still kicking: there’s still fight in you, it just needs to be nurtured. By expressing it you’re nurturing it, but you have to have patience with yourself as well. It isn’t how many times you fall, but how many times you pull yourself back up to standing that matter.

    In summation: GO YOU!

  12. ann adams May 11, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    I hear you loud and clear. Don’t eat much at a sitting but I am always reaching for something and it’s usually not a carrot or a stick of celery.

    I still smoke. If I didn’t it would be much worse. Or so I rationalize it.

  13. karriew May 11, 2007 at 12:40 pm #

    Constant struggle here.

  14. Woho December 20, 2007 at 3:53 pm #

    Hey if you had the will to quit smoking you can find the will to stop eating junk!

    Maybe only allow yourself to feed your cravings with vegetables and healthier foods.

    Cheers

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