Ghost of past lives

26 Apr

I haven’t been very happy lately have I?

I always wonder what keeps people coming back. I’m not exactly a fun read. The last little while has been quite depressing.

But a line in a new Tori Amos song is suddenly resonating with me.

“Take a closer look at what is really haunting you.”

I don’t KNOW what’s haunting me. I keep narrowing down the points-I’m not actually afraid of dying-I’m afraid of losing out on my daughters, especially one who repeats “Fuzzy Balls!” over and over. I’m not worried about growing old. I’m wondering how I can find my place in the world, how I “fit” into everything. Who I really am-and more importantly, who I WANT to be.

Maybe it’s growing pains-perhaps for the first time in a very long time, I’m creating my circumstance instead of being formed by it. Being happy is hard for me, and it’s an odd sensation that includes looking over my shoulder looking for the metaphorical anvil all the time.

Tie in the fact that I’ve been experiencing rapid mixed states the last week or so, and it’s very hard for me to isolate the ghosts in my thoughts. They become elusive, and all I’m left with is a lingering sense of something not being right, something unsatisfied, some unravelled.

Which then turns into depression central around this place. Now, granted, tomorrow being what tomorrow is, it sorta makes sense, but sometimes I look around and I wonder, “Jebbus, am I never funny, or happy or amusing?” Why do I seem to be deprived of a sense of humor. (Danza notwithstanding).

Because life is serious? Because I had joy stolen from me? Because I’m a maudlin bitch who likes to wallow?

I really do have a sense of humor in real life, and I’m not nearly this depressing. But it all comes flowing out here, a vomitcomit of words, as I chase my ghosts around.

I have this vague sense of unease that I just can’t place, and it’s making me nervous. It’s like I’m anticipating something I can’t guarantee will happen. It’s maddening, and scary.

And likely it’s time to up my meds a bit more.

10 Responses to “Ghost of past lives”

  1. radicalmama April 26, 2007 at 5:04 pm #

    I don’t know about the haunting stuff, but as for the blogging…I’m not that funny on my blog either, but in life I am pretty light-hearted and I (usually) have a good sense of humor. I usually blog when something upsets me. Because so few people IRL understand how I operate or share my politics, and sometimes someone out there on the net does. And even if they don’t it still feels good to get it off my chest so I can move on. Perhaps it’s the same for you.

  2. Marcy April 26, 2007 at 5:26 pm #

    My gut reaction is, let the haunting take its time. You may not be able to analyze it right now, or tomorrow, or next year. You don’t need to stop your life and pour all your energies into the analysis, like I am often still tempted to do. You can “just” be open to the voices of the haunting, and let them wave in and out, and they will tell you what you need to know eventually.

    And, as you already know, you have lots of reasons to be angsty right now. And maybe you can accept that you’re angsty and still do what you need and want to do.

    I don’t mean to sound cavalier, so I hope this doesn’t come across like I think it’s easy or even simple.

  3. Lala April 26, 2007 at 10:15 pm #

    we read because we love.
    yes, somewhat settled in, somewhat unsettled. unhappy to have left

  4. Eden April 26, 2007 at 10:17 pm #

    Hold me closer, Tony Daaaanzaaa.

  5. Jason Dufair April 27, 2007 at 12:00 am #

    I came because I wanted to get some insight into raising my daughters. You have a jump on them by 21 and 28 years. I stay because I just plain like you. I don’t need you to be funny. When you’re funny, you’re funny. When you’re touching, you’re touching. Noodle post, noodle post. I like you because you think hard about life and you write well.

    Don’t go changing to try and please us…

    (LOL @ Eden…)

  6. bine April 27, 2007 at 2:22 am #

    yes to all of the above.
    i return (several times a day) because i like the person i read. it seems to me you really are a person who enjoys life, everyone has to do some (or sometimes lots of) brooding to do at times, everybody has ups and downs. and learning about your “disorder” was a very important thing to me, i live with a partner who goes through a similar kind of cycling and it did me good to get some insight into how someone else deals with it.
    i don’t think you’re depressing, and i really do think you have a strong sense of humor. you are a brilliant writer and you can make me laugh and cry at the same time.
    and i think you manage to put into words what most of us have only vague feelings about, but we all recognise. thanks for writing. i’m staying around.

    p.s. “fuzzy balls”? that’s fucking brilliant! ok, i guess if i’d have to go to the mall with her i guess it would drive me nuts, but since i don’t have to, i’m still grinning …

  7. thordora April 27, 2007 at 6:34 am #

    Eden-you nearly mande my toast go thru my nose. That was funny…

    I’m glad it’s not all gloom and doom then…I’m just having trouble seeing thru the fog this week. (Which reminds me-I watched a remake of The Fog and it was actually pretty good. Lame, but good.)

  8. puddlejumper April 27, 2007 at 8:45 am #

    Hey chick, Just wanting to say I’m thinking bout you today.

    On the angst stuff…you’ll get there. You’re figuring things out on the page. That’s what writers do.

    ((((((hugs))))))
    x

  9. sandi April 28, 2007 at 11:47 pm #

    People come back because you are an amazing and honest writer! This is my first time here, and already I can’t wait to visit again! and I’m rootin’ for ya! (((((HUGS))))) sandi

  10. thordora April 29, 2007 at 4:44 pm #

    Wow-thanks Sandi. Feel free to come back and flatter me some more… 🙂

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