Push it

31 Mar

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write about, and all I can think about is the fact that baring some wonderful medical advance I can’t concieve of just yet, I will be taking medication for the rest of my life.

My bipolar cannot be managed without medication. I know that now. When I look back on life unmedicated, it’s like a freight train running off the rails. It’s nothing wonderful, no creative world that I miss. It’s scary and unpredictable, hard on those around me, alienating.

Recently I had a coworker sit near me again. I haven’t really talked to this person in years, and I realized just how much the bipolar surge after Rosalyn was born, hell, even when I was pregnant, isolated me from the people around me. I remember being remotely fun, nice to be around, entertaining at one point. Why did I have to lose that?

Now that I can sit and “watch” my interactions with others, I can see the reticience in them, waiting for me to turn and lash out suddenly. I’ve destroyed some bridges in my life, and it’s hard to get them back. It’s odd to watch from the perspective of someone waiting for the other person to back away. It’s equally odd to watch them tentively respond back to me, surprised that I’m not acting like an ass.

For awhile, I was an ass, and I pushed everything away from me. Time to bring it back I think.

4 Responses to “Push it”

  1. Nat March 31, 2007 at 8:46 am #

    In your defense, people often fear strength and individuality. Or stuff that’s different from their little bubble. So I wouldn’t take it TOO hard that the people at work seem to tremble at the thought of your wrath. 😉

  2. thordora March 31, 2007 at 8:59 am #

    Remember “gym”…. 🙂 That was evil BUT funny.

  3. HipMommy March 31, 2007 at 1:38 pm #

    You’ll bring it back! My brother has bi-polar disorder, and he has gone through this as well. In the end, everyone comes back. It is not your fault, and they know that. It just takes time. I am ambaressed to admit that even I am hesitant around my brother for a while after an episode…


  4. Jason Dufair March 31, 2007 at 11:20 pm #

    I think if people knew, if people read your thoughts here, they might not be so tentative. They’d be more accepting, I think. Either way, you sure can’t look back. Only ahead. And the most important people, Mogo, Ros, Viv – they’re there for the long haul.

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