Smoke and a pancake?

30 Mar

I dreamed the other night I was smoking. Clandestine smoking though-I remember it clearly. I had 3 smokes left in a pack of JPS (John Player Special-aka Black Death) and was smoking a forth, reminding the person next to me that yes, I had quit, and this was just a momentary lapse in reason.

I woke up thinking I hadjust been smoking the most delicious cigarette in the world, and wanted to run to the corner store and smoke my face off.

I stopped smoking Thankgiving 2004 (Canadian Thanksgiving, so think October) and I swear not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. I stopped cold turkey, staring at the one last cigarette in my back of Benson & Hedges Special Light’s, and holding on to it for a few months, just in case. I survived sitting in a half bus shelter, holding a crying Vivian in the cold rain because some asshat driver wouldn’t let us transfer to our bus at the mall so I could get out of the rain. But I was pregnant, and I didn’t want to smoke through yet another pregnancy.

Quitting was surprisingly easy for me, and I credit the fact that people SMELL and I could really smell people with that pregnancy. Everything stunk. I came home one night to my father cooking steak, and almost puked across the floor from the blood smell that saturated the kitchen. But I gained a lot of weight, since all I wanted was greasy food.

Since I essentially went nuts that pregnancy, I’m sure a lot of the weight gain was from the bipolar rearing it’s head, but some was, and still is due to the fact that I have no real release. I used to take a short break at work, and go outside and smoke. Try doing that if you aren’t a smoker. Doesn’t work quite so well.

So somedays I miss smoking, as my dream obviously noticed. I miss holding it, I miss taking a drag, I miss the feeling of the smoke whirling around my lungs. Disgusting isn’t it? I don’t miss spending 10.00 on a pack, essentially paying someone to kill me, but I miss the ritual, I miss the pleasure of a smoke after a great meal. Because you can’t kid yourself-smoking can be pleasurable. I can vividly remember a few perfect smokes, the ones that kept you from smoking.

Somedays I toy with the idea of having just one, as a friend of mine can do. But I know I couldn’t possibly only have just one, anymore than I can ever have just one samosa or just one chip. 12+ years of smoking reminds me that the addication would be easy to fall back into, seductive even. Despite all the smells and nasty tastes, there still remains something alluring about smoking.

But for now, I’ll leave it for my dreams to enjoy.

11 Responses to “Smoke and a pancake?”

  1. Ed March 30, 2007 at 10:50 am #

    I used to frequent a restaurant that was divided down the middle with smoking on one side and non on the other. None of the wait staff wanted to work on the nonsmoking side– they called it “being thrown to the wolves.”

    It seems the nonsmokers as a group were surly, demanding bastards who found more than smoke to complain about.

    The reason for this phenomenon is that tobacco is the best antidepressant known to man, The nonsmokers are depressed and think it’s healthy.

  2. thordora March 30, 2007 at 11:03 am #

    Maybe that’s really why I went nuts then… đŸ™‚

  3. crazytired March 30, 2007 at 11:19 am #

    I totally know what you mean. And lately, everytime I drive past the corner store….. I am literally *this* close to pulling in, and buying a $10 freakin pack. Then I look over at my kids, and hear in my head, hubby saying, “Don’t let THEM see you!!” ‘Them’ meaning the kids. damn it.

  4. Ed March 30, 2007 at 11:23 am #

    There’s no maybe about it,dear. Next time you badmouth smoking, remember you’re asking for a meaner world.

  5. peppylady March 30, 2007 at 11:54 am #

    I thought cigarettes were bad here in Idaho. Between $2.00 and $5.00 a pack.
    Name brands are more.
    Never took up the habit.

    Wish hubby would stop. Cigarette smoke. Stanks!!!!

  6. Judy March 30, 2007 at 12:43 pm #

    Every time I’ve quit smoking, I’ve dreamed of smoking, and often. The last time I quit I thought I was really done, because I went months and months without even wanting one, at all. Then … my husband and I had our first night out alone, and I had a few. *sigh* I’m weak.

    I am one of those lucky non-addictive types, though, and it’s more about habit for me. I now have 2 a night, most nights, after the kids are in bed – my husband and I have a drink together and I have 2 cigarettes. When (IF?) he ever quits, I’ll quit having those 2.

    Smoking is wonderfully pleasureable. I love smoking. I love the taste, the habit, the feel. I never understood before I smoked, but man, it’s hard to give up.

    Good for you for lasting so long.

  7. venessa March 30, 2007 at 12:50 pm #

    I have never smoked or had any other addiction so I can never relate to people’s desires or withdrawls. But I remember growing up, and both of my parents smoked, and I was always extremely embarrassed at the way I smelled. I especially hated it when my mom smoked in the car, because smoke gives me a headache, and I never understood why she couldn’t go the 20 minutes to the store without smoking if it meant that I didn’t feel sick. Ugh. Your kids will thank you for not smoking, trust me!

  8. Jason Dufair March 31, 2007 at 6:48 am #

    I smoked for 7 years regularly. I really enjoyed it too. Started when I was 14, quit when I was 21. Finally made an agreement with my best friend that I would quit smoking if he would start wearing his seat belt. He had a bad accident a few years later and the police say the seat belt saved him. So we’ve saved one another’s lives.

    I was able to buy a pack a few times a year after that and enjoy half of it. This is surprising since I do have an addictive personality. I really enjoyed that. After Anna got diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, I knew I would never touch one again as long as I live.

    My brother quit smoking 2 weeks ago, after 20 years. He’s on Chantix, some sort of drug that works on your neurotransmitters, to help. He’s also making some major lifestyle changes. Anna was his inspiration. Him quitting makes me so happy. It’s such a relief.

  9. bromac April 2, 2007 at 2:07 pm #

    I am in process of quitting right now. Blech. I have smoked for 16 years. Both my parents are smoker. Two out of three of my siblings smoke/have smoked. And we ALL have mind-numbingly addictive personalities.

    I tried quitting when I was pregnant but only got down to about three a day. Just kept telling myself it is better than 20/day. And it is.

    I have had a smoker’s cough lately that is really grossing me out as well as everyone around me. It finally got to me. I don’t know, though, I am afraid to try the cold turkey thing like you did Thordora. I don’t think I am that strong. I got the gum and I am very, very slowly working them out of my life, cigarette by cigarette.

    I smoke two less cigarettes a day now than I did two weeks ago. Hey, it’s a start right.

  10. thordora April 2, 2007 at 2:09 pm #

    I found what worked was:
    a-not telling ANYONE. The minute you tell someone, it’s like you’ve dared them to ruin it
    b-I didn’t make a huge plan. I just stopped, and tried to see how long I could go. Once I go through a day, I wanted to see if I could get through a week, etc. Baby Steps.
    c-Focused on being able to exercise more. Being able to breathe is a WONDERFUL thing.

    Good luck! It’s hard, but it’s worth it!


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