Somedays, I can’t either.
Somedays, the crushing weight of my being a mother sits on me like sleep paralysis, waiting for me to move, almost daring me to. It wags it’s finger in my face, telling me I’m a bad mother, an ungrateful mother, because I cannot keep up with my own children sometimes, because I pretend when my husband and I are out alone that we ARE alone, that no one waits for us at home, ready to cover us in wet kisses and sticky fingers.
It’s the responsibility that gets to me-the knowledge that forever, I am connected to these creatures-I can never leave them, not truly. They will always be a part of me. Their toes will forever be the toes that kicked me in the ribs.
But somedays it’s the drudgery, it’s getting up and feeding them, convincing clothes onto them, sitting with them, then working all day, arriving home in time to listen to them scream about not wanting to go to bed. Those days get to me. Those days test me, because they test my love for them, they test the bounds of my patience and temper. On those days, the bad mommy sometimes gets to come out and play for a bit.
I have been tempted in the past, to throw up my hands, and walk away from it. From all of it. Times when it’s gotten so hard, too hard, worse than I ever imagined, I wanted to walk down the road, climb up onto the highway, and begone. Never to be seen again. I thought it, many times.
But in my eyes, in my heart, I couldn’t do it, I never would. I could never walk out that door and not come back. Because being a mother isnot just a test-it’s a battle. Sometimes it’s lovely and gentle, other days, it’s bloody and loud and frightful. Somedays I don’t like it at all.
But somedays are so fragile and simple, I want to place them under glass so they never disappear. I draw on those days, to get me through the wrong ones.
The only message I have for you is incredibly, profoundly buried in the depths of the following one-word response: ditto.
Thordora, u are not alone. I am a widowed mother , hubby died 2years 5 months ago, I knew when he closed his eyes , my hell began. I have 3 kids 2 boys aged 19 * 17 and a girl aged 12. Being a single parent sucks. I so hate being a parents. I’ve never cried this much , ever. i’ve sacrificed 20 years of my life for their father and i’m still sacrificing my life now with them. I can’t have a relationship beacause they dont want me too. i use to be a strong women, my children stripped me of that. i use to be loving my children stripped me of that My daughter may be 12 but boy oh boy she knows how to manipulate any situation. To those parents / mothers who are judgemental towards women like me and u I say “WALK A DAY IN MY/OUR SHOES” no journeys are the same . but each journey has its fill of love and pain, some more pain than love.
MM, I feel your pain. my husband died 12 yrs ago–he was the love of my life–leaving me with 2 boys 8 and 5 yrs. I remarried–my most dreaded fear was being a single parent—and had another daughter. they are now 19, 17 and 9. its hell!! I’m ready to move out and leave all of them here! I too used to be a strong woman. took care of sick hubby for 10 years, and have taken care of these guys since, with no help at all! new hubby is like having another kid, even he won’t pick up after himself! I’m tired and broken and want to rekindle what little spark there is left of me deep inside. it doesn’t help being isolated 750 miles from my friends and family. so far my journey has been much more pain than love and joy. yet i still have hope that there will be a better tomorrow for both of us!
Suzie- we have so much in common. I hope things have improved since May. It’s strange how you can feel so alone in a house full of people.
Im so sorry for your suffering makes me think even then im still thinking my hubby might as well b dead he’s only here a couple hours everyday. Our connection is dimming fast and at this moment all I want is to disappear yes please
Yes Ma’am! I agree 100%. The people who judge mothers for being burnt out either don’t have kids or have money to pay someone else to raise their kids!!
Reason #100,000,001 to not have kids! Woot! Can’t wait to get my tubes tied..
Good idea wish I would have thought about that 12yrs and three kids ago
yup my kids are grown and wish I never had any
I completely agree, ditto.
I felt so incredibly sad when I noticed that someone had searched for this-I wondered who she was, where she was, what we could do.
And I hope she searches again so she can see that she isn’t alone.
I too feel this way, I’m sorry you do but I’m glad I’m not alone
I typed in “how to cope with hating being a mother” lol it true so true, I have so lost myself and who I used to be. a fun girl, hard worker, strong woman, laughing and having a good time. now I’m just a mom , no makeup, hair never done, clothes never clean. and I drink alot more now adays during the day. I hate waking up in the morning knowing that its going to be the same ole same ole. I have a 4 1/2 and a 22 month old. I quit work when I was 4 months pregnant because I was so sick all day everyday. I want to go back to work but I’m afraid, will I know how to act in public or even remember how to work. I cry everyday. so so so sad.
Ouch, Take a hour or 2 to yourself your child isn’t going to dissaper. My so called left me and my sister for days I we somehow lived. A little time to yourrself isn’t going to kill them.
Sometimes it does not help if you work too. Esp. when work is just as bad as home. Reading your post made me think of me…. Except i still work. Glad I am not alone
Thank you all for sharing…. I thought I was alone, I thought I was a monster, a bad mother, a bad person… I’m a single mother of a 4 month old, i feel like my life was sucked away from me, my free will to enjoy and do what i want, to have ALONE time, to Heck – Spend my money on myself and not feel guilty about it, but I’m consume with a little dependable selfish machine who wants nothing but my 100% attention when I just want to run away sometimes….. I admit it’s reassuring to hear it gets better over time. My soul and heart cries and screams most of the time.
I wish I had the courage to put it out there like you, Thor. Because its’ ditto for me, too.
Oooo, can I add a ditto?
I felt that way, maybe still do. It started when Jackson was two and I couldn’t get far enough away from him……..I couldn’t escape the responsibility physically, mentally, emotionally….no way. Maybe it’s like a leather glove bought a size too small. It stretches to fit eventually.
The drudgery. Too right. Sometimes the extreme difference between the minute by minute reality and the intellectual / emotional realities are alarming in their difference.
So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! I always try to convince the kids into the clothes. I’ve had it backwards all along.
I do really like your way with words, Thor. As always.
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Me too. I only recently imagined myself walking away, never coming back. Leaving to find who I once was, or who I could have been. Then the same overwhelming love flooded my soul. I would throw myself in front of a train for my boys.
I totally agree cause being a parent can be very overwhelming and people shouldn’t judge others if they have never walked in there shoes
Moi aussi. Thanks for saying it out loud.
totally agree most don’t want to admit it
I feel you, I sincerely, deeply feel you. Doing laundry every day (Every Day!), washing dishes, taking out the garbage (bins to the curb every Thursday night), etc… It is drudgery indeed. And the vigilance required to monitor children, to act as their 24/7/365 bodyguard and physician is weighty and tiresome, no question.
But, as The Good Lord as my witness, it gets easier. The kids become more competent, more easy-going, stronger… They grow up and become assistants to the very person whose job it is to look out for them. Hang in there.
Thank you for your encouragement. It’s nice to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow. I just had my 3rd boy. Now I have a 4.5 yr old, a 2 yr old, and the new little guy… I am waiting for maternity leave to end…I thought I was a horrible, horrible person for feeling this way, and then I typed in the words going through my head. I found this page & comments posted by other readers – thank you, everyone for being authentic, and for offering hope. My husband is not around right now – ever. He is trying to finish school & work part time. This is incredibly difficult! I have a new appreciation for single parents! I often wondered (before I had children), how mothers could say parenting was hard & want to walk away, and yet have the unconditional love to raise that which you’re overwhelmed with …now I get it.
Wow. I just had my 3rd boy. Now I have a 4.5 yr old, a 2 yr old, and the new little guy… I am waiting for maternity leave to end…I thought I was a horrible, horrible person for feeling this way, and then I typed in the words going through my head. I found this page & comments posted by other readers – thank you, everyone for being authentic, and for offering hope. My husband is not around right now – ever. He is trying to finish school & work part time. I have a new appreciation for single parents! I often wondered (before I had children), how mothers could say parenting was hard & want to walk away, and yet have the unconditional love to raise that which you’re overwhelmed with …now I get it.
Thank you! It really helps to know it gets easier!
Thank you God for your message of saying it gets better as the child grows older. I adopted a child in Aug., after being married 20 years I feel that my life has ended. I want to go and hide, run, get away from what in the heck choice did I make. My child is 20months old and I feel she has sucked the entire life out of me. I was use to going and doing what I wanted when I wanted. I thought motherhood in my 20s would be horrible, but for some reason in my 40s got the urge. My child sticks to my leg like glue, we have snot everywhere, she can do nothing on her own, I pray for her to age, but am told this is the easiest years. I think are you kidding me, yipes, what have I done. I pray my husband goes on vacation with our child without me so I can just listen to nothing in silence. I think at this age you can basically do zero, they don’t do shopping or movies, everything is a tantrum, not potty trained, not fork, spoon, knife trained, not trained at anything except waiting for you do show them how.
I posted on here about 2 and 1/2 years ago when I was drowning in self doubt. My kids were ages 1.5 and 3. I was overwhelmed by the weight of all of my perceived responsibilities. About a year ago my husband and I decided to get a divorce, well I decided and he didn’t fight me. 2 weeks later I realized it wasn’t the right decision. I had one foot out the door ever since we got married. So we took divorce off the table. For us divorce is no longer an option. I used to threaten divorce every time I got mad and that just made things worse. Now I tell him to just remember that when he makes me mad he is stuck with me so does he want to have a happy wife or a b*tchy one. We still have arguments but they blow over quickly and he makes a huge effort to help with the kids. I was completely miserable before with regards to the kids but I am now really feeling the good parts of motherhood. Granted there are still days when we have such a bad day that I want to grab my things and go but the positive does outweigh the negative. In fact I am homeschooling my boys who are now 4 and 5 and it is working out really well. I think the key for us was to get them involved in things I think are important. I am not consumed by things they need to get done for school or PTA. Now school last about 3 hours and they are so advanced I am amazed. We also do charity work and go on field trips with other homeschooling families. It is a lot of fun and it allows me to experience their achievements which helps us bond. I know it is not for everyone but if you are stuck with your kids at home you might give it a try and see if it helps improve your relationship with your child. Try memory cards, i made my own and put pictures on one set and three letter words that match and then they pick a word card and have to find the picture that matches. just an idea. It gets better you just have to find a way to involve them in your interests. That way you don’t feel like you are disappearing and you can enjoy the time you spend with them.
Thank you for saying that it gets better. I unfortunately told my fiancé at 4 months that’s it’s over (much like u did with your husband & regretted it), but we weren’t married, I have no way of getting thru to him that we need to be a family. Now I suffer alone. And I really mean suffering as he’s able to be a dad only on the days he visits our 6 week old. I’m jealous and bitter over his freedom; so incredibly angry at him, myself and the situation. My depression depresses me more bcz i know its bad for baby and interferes with our bonding. But i’m consumed with regret and my ideologies. I need love and support! This is my personal hell. About every other week I contemplate: running off to another life and leaving him with our baby or suicide? I’m having one of those moments…for the last 6 months now. That’s it, in a nutshell.
*The 4 months split was into 4 months pregnant. Anytime we have an issue he states how we r not a couple. But at birth he was interactive, brought flowers, said ‘we’re a family’ then withdrew again thinking I told him he didn’t know how to swaddle. And I deal with PPD; He’s so petty;
Mine is only 8 months old boy. So active and hyper has diffulty sleeping. Every day and night he needs help to put him to sleep. He would crawl every where, fear of him being bumped his head drives me crazy. Wake up at night to check on him keep me awake for two three hours. Morning I will tired and again he will cry and becomes cranky and needs help to sleep. I have to cook for all of us and If I make little sound, he will be up crying. Feel like running away sometime. God help all the mother out there and keep children Safe.
Thank God I am not alone. I googled these exact words! I dont want to wish my life away (or theirs), but holy crap I wish they would grow up and take their ungratefull, messy crap elsewherE!
I like your response, I laughed outloud
I am raising grandsons, and I googled these words tonight, thank you all!! I feel a lot better.
Edwina, you’ll find you’re very much not alone with this. Just yesterday I wanted to run away. Being a mother sucks somedays. :p
Feel free to stay and look around. 🙂
Yup — I hear this. I love my boys but I don’t even feel like the same person I used to be. And I liked that person. I don’t like this mom-person I’ve become. She’s bossy and stressed and forgets to smile most days. Boy, do I hear this.
K
Somedays I don’t like that me I became either, but other days-I love her. 🙂
Somedays are better than others.. (and we aren’t alone-someone comes here via this search almost daily)
I am having one of those low days…can’t believe i even searched this…however after reading all these posts i feel a little stronger and ready to tackle bathtime…again.. 🙂
Wow… I just feel like crying… I hope it gets easier, I feel so cranky most of the time, like I can’t do anything right. Reading these posts helps… it’s so easy to say “well if you didn’t want kids, why did you have them? It’s your responsibility to love them, and give your life away for 20+ years… working non stop, never quite catching up”. What crap! There is no way we can all know how we’re going to hold up as parents, before we’re actually in that boat. Often I think I would like a “do-over”… but a) that’s not possible, and b) it’s impossible to imagine- seriously, what life would be like. I’ll have to hang in there and see…
Could not agree more 😉 There are so many critical, negative, judgmental people ready to blast you for venting about this topic and it is so easy for them to do so. But what you say about no one being able to know how they will hold up as parents before they become one completely sums up anything I have to say in reply to nasty, cruel judgemental attacks. You just put it in less words and more politely 😉 Good luck to us all I say, hopefully there are enough good days to make up for the crap and we come out the other end with happy kids and at least some sanity left. Have a great weekend xo
Motherhood is not a simple, but unqiue time in life. It changes so many things and the way how you see the world. It is interesting to participate in the experiences of other women.
Cheers
Lisa
i made it thru the younger years, and although she never slept when she was young, i dealt with it… but now my daughter is 15 and she is filled with anxiety.. as am i. i just want to walk away, yet i love her so much. i am just so tired.
i thank you for your post. it is nice to know that i am not the only one out there that feels this awful feeling.
Depression has been part of my life, but lately the realization came to me I ‘don’t like being a mom’…so I Googled the phrase …and promptly burst into tears on finding these posts.
“I don’t like this mom-person I’ve become. She’s bossy and stressed and forgets to smile most days”
Exactly – I am TWO people. There’s ‘ME-me’ which I rarely get to be, and who gets described as fun, witty and warm-hearted by people who only see this side. And I’m a single mom, who my kids tell me is mean and bossy. My kids are 4 and 6 and their dad left 4 years ago.
All I ever do is get cross and get stressed. They are seeing it, which is bad. I realise how little I actually smile during a ‘mom-day’ and yet when I am ‘me’ I am soooooo different.
Some people might think, what a horrible person this woman is – but I LOVE MY KIDS, I just don’t like the person I am as a Mom.
My 1st priority is to my kids…but what damage am I doing to them, to their personalities and childhood experience, if all they have as a mom is a grumpy old troll?
Your not alone Joanne…I experience this same feeling. I feel its a constant cycle, one I try to avoid and overcome with the getting “cross and stressed.” And in my mind..I’m thinking today it’s gonna be different, but i always fall back into it. Im a single parent with only 1 child (he’s six) and a new pup.. I cant imagine having more and keeping my whits. I don’t know what possessed me to get a pup…It’s more work then the child *grins* ….just what i need, more stress..
hey joanne I think we were sepperated at birth…I could not have chosen any other words to describe my life…and feelings, deppression and anxiety. I love my girls more than i love myself however i rarely love myself. As i sit at my computer listening to them fight in the basement…grrr
Hi Melanie,
I am having a hard time right now with my young one. She is 1 y and 10 months olny I but already have that feeling of wanting to walk away and never come back. Why does it have to be so hard?
I hate myself for losing my temper…I feel like the worst human being after it. But they push you to the edge, don’t they?
Gosh, I am tired…
This is exactly how I feel. I am a totally different person at work, and I like that ME. I come home stressed out just thinking about picking up the kids and listening to them fight and whine. And having a husband who is unwilling to help is killing me. I’m sooo struggling to keep things afloat!
I too, googled and found these replies. I feel what each of you are saying…totally. I stay at home with my kids and I take it day by day, try to be nice when I’m flustered, sit down with them (ages1&2)when I feel overwhelmed. I think sometimes we just need to take time out to re-prioritize, and re-focus on the light at the end of the tunnel (they grow fast). I tell myself that one day I’ll wish they were still my little babies and that gives me the courage love sacrificially. Don’t forget to take time for YOU!
Sarah-I could never stay at home-I couldn’t handle it. Anyone who does has my admiration. I can’t handle motherhood working fulltime…I couldn’t do it at home…
Oh wow.. Thank You.. Its nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do.
ME. TO.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
TOO? lol
I just hope you don’t take this feeling with you when your kids get older. You will make them feel like a burden when in fact you should think of them as a blessing. I’m not meaning to sound religious in anyway. But think of it this way. Other people can never have children. You can, and you should be happy. I know my mother made me feel terrible when I was a teenager, because she had the same feelings you are having now. So by the time I reached high school it became painfully obvious that I was more of a nuisance than anything else. I understand it’s tiring to be a parent. The screaming, the clean up, the constant commute in the car. But you and your husband decided to have children, (I assume, if not you should have used a condom) you should have realized that half your life was no longer going to be your own. The other half would have to be patient and wait for quiet adult moments to come around when was most possible. I have experienced first hand, and witnessed with my friends, what it does to people when their parents are “tired of being a parent”. You feel unwanted and angry, because it’s not your fault but they seem to act as though it is. Try seeing the little joys, like their innocent banter when they play, or the stories they come up with when they are trying to impress you. And when they get older and start to form opinions of their own, don’t just ignore them because you are tired, try and respond positively. I have seen too many parents treat their children as though they are resilient to almost anything. Yes children are resilient, but now with constant feelings of annoyance or being unwanted. nausance than anything else. I understand it’s tiring to be a parent. The screaming, the clean up, the constant comute in the car. But you and your husband decided to have children, (I assume, if not you should have used a condom)you should have realized that half your life was no longer going to be your own. The other half would have to be patient and wait for quiet adult moments to come. I have experienced first hand and witnessed as well what it does to people when their parents are
I found your post interesting. I can both completely agree with you and vehemently disagree. I am a mother of 2 children who are now both in Elementary school. I have been a midwife, family/ parenting educator and preschool teacher through out my life….and I have to say that I too have had feelings of almost wanting to walk away. Somedays not wanting all the physical demands, the constant need for reassurance, affection, food ALL DAY and the frustration at the constant picky-ness. Somedays I just want to be left alone…or I fantasize for just a moment that I am not who i have become, that I am free, away…
But I know myself to be a good hard-working mother most of the time.
You say you have never felt those things that the author shares, guess what? I dont think you are telling the truth. Enjoying “motherhood” means something different to everyone and the sheer energy that is involved can be awe-inspiring, awesome and at times awful.
Thank you for posting this reply. I am a stay-at-home mother to a 4yr. old and a 2yr. old….sometimes the dredgery, monotony and demands can send me bursting into tears, wanting my old life before children to come back. But at times I punish myself for my feelings because I WANTED this – I chose to have children, and now I must fulfill their needs because it would not be fair to them – they didn’t get to choose me as a mother. I don’t understand many times how I could love these children indescribably, yet want to run away and hide, leaving them behind – all in the same day….
Thanks for all of your posts – I’m glad I’m not alone in this parenting world….
S.
I don’t Believe you. You say you have never felt this way but i imagine you found this post by typing “I hate being a mother” into google.
I take real offense to the “you should’ve used a condom” bit. Some of us took every precaution to not get pregnant and it can still happen. I was on the pill and used protection and I still somehow, miraculously, got pregnant. I didn’t ever want to have children. But I couldn’t have an abortion. I don’t know why? I’m not against it at all. I just couldn’t do it. So I thought about adoption. But the father wanted the baby. He promised me the world and I believed him because I was very emotional during my pregnancy. After I had the child I suffered horrible PPD. I was getting very close to the “hearing voices telling me to kill my baby” stage and no one helped me. It’s been 4 years and I am still on antidepressants. And 4 years later, I still wish that I hadn’t had the child. Don’t get me wrong, I love him in a very strange, visceral way. But I still think that I’m not cut out to be a mother. I don’t feel the same way as other mothers. I don’t adore my child and wish that they weren’t growing up so fast. I can’t wait til they’re grown and out of the house. I loved being alone. I was very good with solitude. And I miss that more than anything else. I feel like I’m the worst person in the world because there are so many people out there that want kids and can’t have them and here I am with one I never really wanted. His father left me after more than 3 years of cheating on me. I should never have listened to him. He still sees our child but I’m sure it’s harder on me than it is on him. And I hate him for being able to pack up and leave. Why does the mother always end up having the child the majority of the time? Why can’t I be the weekend parent? And if I was, I’m sure that society would think I am the absolute worst mother on the planet. And his father gets congrats for still hanging around and visiting him. So unfair.
Responding to Hatethis:
I relate to you extremely well, and am glad to hear my feelings from someone else. My fiancé and I had an unplanned pregnancy very early in our relationship, despite using condoms. I greatly despise when people say this life is “what I asked for”.
I love my daughter (now 16 months), and my fiancé is more than helpful. But I can’t shake the feeling that family life and parenthood just isnt me. It’s not even that I’m bad at it, I just really don’t find fulfillment in it like other people do. Both of my siblings have 1 daughter, and they love it – the moms stay home out of choice, while I can’t imagine leaving work, as it is the ONE THING that ties me to my former life.
I am so jealous of my single friends and have spent more than a few nights crying myself to sleep because I don’t have a life I love. I feel very guilty most of the time for these feelings. But both my fiancé and myself are in grad school and work more than full-time. He gets so excited about the future, and usually I am too; sometimes, though, I feel like I’m trapped and drowning. I resent my responsibilities and time-commitments.
I have fun playing with baby and planning future events, but I can’t say I don’t long for my old life. I think about it everyday. I want to be the spontaneous, witty party-girl, surrounded by friends again. Even on the rare night out that I get, I know my 4am wake up call will be immenent. Not even a casual dinner with friends will ever be the same.
Oftentimes, I wonder if these feelings will diminish as I get older, and maybe less selfish? I’m 25, and just feel like my youth was ripped away….I am aware of the “don’t blame the child” thing, and strive to never punish my daughter for my short-comings.
Does it ever get easier?
I read your post, and had to respond. YES, it does get better. I had a daughter from my first marriage, and although I felt the same as you regarding ‘being a parent’, I decided she should have a sibling. She was 7 when her baby brother was born. We’ve had so many challenges with him- collicky from day 1, refused to eat, ‘failure to thrive’, never slept… I’ve thought many times I was insane. I should have been content with one, especially given the fact that I’m just not ideal parent material (I never felt like I absolutely had to have kids) and probably will never give up a career (I’m home now, but looking for work). We kept saying, every three months, this is a new stage, it’s bound to get better…well it didn’t for a long while, but he just started school this September, and I feel like we have made it through the worst. The fun part for you is, when your friends are in their thirties and just starting to have their kids, yours will be in school and you WILL have that freedom, and still be young enough to enjoy it. And I have to say, 7 years apart is great. My two love and appreciate each other and of course seldom fight over the same toys! Hang in there, you made the correct decision.
After a bitter custody battle, which I “won”, I am ready to let my children live with their father who lives 250miles away, I am ready to be the weekend and summer parent who has plenty of time to nurture myself! Everyone tells me it is a decision I will regret but I have been counting the days until summer when the transition will occur. I can only imagine what they think of me, but I don’t care! I can’t wait until I miss them and am able to cherish my time with them. I can’t wait until I love being a mom!
It’s hard, I know. Be strong. Be patient. Trust yourself and dont live in regret. Take time for yourself, find your outlet so you can be the person you want to be for your kids. Everything we do as parents has an effect on our kids. I repeat to myself daily in frustration- I am the parent, he is only a child, be patient because he is always learning from me.
Custody battles are not fun. I am going through a bitter one myself, facing lies and false allegations that threaten my ability to be a good mother. We want our kids to have a happy family, but its not easy to feel like we are the only ones trying and our efforts are not reciprocated.
We love our kids, but it is ok not to like them some times. It is ok to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But I have to remember that things happen for a reason, I am not alone in my feelings, not everything is bad, and to cherish those rare peaceful moments.
You “won” your kids because you love them and can help them grow to be the best they can be. I repeat, be strong- for them and for yourself. Some times it feels hopeless, but you can never undo being a parent- just keep trying, find ways to relax (easier said than done, I know), but mostly remind yourself that you are shaping your kids and they will always look up to you.
My anguish is seated in the belief that I will be just as selfish as my parents were. I struggle with guilt and the things I should have done in the past. Should have tried harder to be happy with my son’s father so we could be still be a family. Should have trusted my instincts and been strong rather than clinging to hopes that a man could make me happy and feel fulfilled. Should have never let my son go to live with his father, then I wouldnt be fighting for custody now. Should have filed for a divorce years ago. Seeking inner peace, I realize now that we can only look forward and be the person we want to be- that is the only way we can be strong and sane.
Personally, I agree with your friends, you will regret letting your kids go if that is what you decide. It is hell trying to get them back once you realize that time changes people and situations. Communication crumbles, people turn vindictive, and bonds deminish. Don’t give up on yourself as a mother, your kids will never forgive you and you most likely wont be as happy as you thought you’d be without them.
Being a parent changes us forever, we can never go back to who we were. It is our job to adapt and continue to grow as people- work out your inner struggle and find an outlet to explore the new you.
You are not alone. I wish you luck- all of you that have read this post and commented. My favorite quote- the only thing that is constant is change. 🙂
I really respect you for saying this, I chose to have an abortion because I likely would have felt like you… I have a very fulfilling life and I got pregnant at 18 and then as almost a curse at 34 even when I was careful. Even thought the father was supportive I still thought that our lives would be happier and better without a child. I was right, you are doing the best that you can and are very courageous to warn other people who might not think this is a serious of a point and that they will just handle it when the hormones kick in. I really love my life as it is and did not want to go on and compromise. Thank you for telling others how it really is. I am going to get my tubes tied but is hard because they expect you to have children and do not trust one’s decision not to want to have children. In the end is the woman who carries it and has to have the responsibility I saw my boyfriend bringing dogs and then sticking me with them, well children are harder.
I came on this site because I was having a (quite rare) moment of self doubt and looking for some support…after reading your post, I realise I can’t be doing that bad a job at coping if you decided to have an abortion because you didn’t want to ‘compromise’ your lifestyle. I respect you for being honest but that is a horrible post to the women on this board…I think abortion is sometimes the only way out for some people…but that just sounds inherently selfish!
YOU are so Right ON “Hate This” So right on!!!
If you never felt that way, how did you get here?
Jenny. Chances are if you felt like a burden to your mother, then you probably were. She got tired of your yelling, crying, whining and complaining. If you felt like she was sick of you by the time you were a teenager, it’s because she was. NOBODY wants to have to live with a know-it-all little jerk who thinks she can tell other people what they should or should not do. Especially when she obviously has never been a mother and has therefore never experienced the agonizing trials of parenthood.
A thought: Police officers choose to be officers, but when they discover dead bodies and get shot at–it’s a little “trying.” Nurses and doctors fight to push life back into the body of dying people, but the patients die anyway–and it’s gets to you just a TEENY bit.
We chose to be parents, but on some days we are like soldiers of the field of parenthood, with issues for special needs children, miserable HMO and insurance hassles, trying to identify what local pedophiles that live in our area (and they live in EVERY area), plus a myriad of other troubles you can’t even imagine,–ON TOP OF THE ENDLESS REGULAR DUTIES of parenthood/homemaking.
So back off and shut up. Maybe you’ll learn something.
I thought the same thing when I was reading her reply…she is obviously NOT a mother.
SO defensive?
oh snap
I am just trying to figure out why people say it is so wonderful to be a parent. It is if you never want to be selfish again. I am also trying to figure out why people would ever consider having more than 1 child. It is hard it is not like making a purchase at Walmart and if you don’t like it you can return it. I have been a mother now for 5 months and would I do it again, no, I hate to say it. Yes, I even adopted, went the extra, extra mile. This being said I have been married for 20years so talk about an adjustment. I cannot say I would do it again at this stage in the child, parenting stage. I pray that I feel differently about this years from now. I cannot imagine doing laundry every day, dishwasher everyday, cooking everyday, schedule, schedule, schedule, I have to schedule when I drink a coke, when I got to the bathroom, everything is scheduled, absolutely hate zero me time. I just wish when people say it is awesome to be a parent, they would say if you like having zero time for yourself then parenting if for you.
you have a lot of courage to tell the truth, is a hard and ungrateful job and not everyone was cut out for it, I am glad I was not brainwashed or let people push it on me. Some of you are doing great jobs but I am glad you are honest and warn people about their realities.
Ya kids are just a pain
Why do people say children are resilient? What choice do they have? They are completely dependent on us. I agree that many parents use this ‘ children are resilient ‘ rubbish as an excuse to cover bad parenting. My own mother used it when we told her her father was abusing us. The kids have no choice – it’s not like they can say, ‘ I’ve had enough of the physical, emotional, sexual abuse so I’m leaving/ killing myself/ running off with a new mother etc. No, the parents may do that, but the kids are stuck with you. They won’t forget.
Jenny, your post is not helpful at all. Judgemental and full of shoulds. Shoulds dont help.
You are completely right with everything you said. Yet women come to this site LOOKING for help and assurance that they are not the only ones feeling this way. All of these women feel like shit because they feel like they hate being a mother. We all feel as if we are broken somehow because not all mothers feel this way BUT YOU ARE CONFIRMING their fears!!!! That is really mean of you.
Put A SOCK IN IT already!!
You are obviously not a parent. Read how many times you said should. I used to say the same things…then I had kids. Maybe you’ve had them by now and you see reality.
i so totally agree with you! and while i also get that Mommys need breaks, DONT take advantage of those who GIVE you the break! by dumping your kids on them unexpected, never paying them, or treating them, taking things from their home & never returning it, be it ever so miniscule, (ie:cups, towells, clothing)
and just let me add one little tidbit of my own: IF YOU MAKE THEM OBEY AT HOME, you dont have to worry about them disobeying in public or no one wanting to care for them. Raising a child is not a fun and games but in my own eyes, i loved all of it, the only thing i dont appreciate is when somebody elses child is dumped on you & you are expected to run the roads with them, entertain them, feed them and not get compensated for it??? Im a single Mom and while i welcome every child into my home, THEY WILL obey my rules ..(IE: No eating on the couch, No leaving the fridge standing open & no one is around, or the milk out…etc. If youre big enough to help yourself to MY FOOD, youre big enough to close the door and clean up your mess……
Dear Jenny,
Did you read the rest of Thordora’s blog? I already know you didn’t. If you had, you would have realized how much she loves her little girls. Having had PPD and being realistic about the fact that sometimes parenting isn’t all sunshine and puppies is not the same as treating her children as burdens. Read a little more before you go off judging my friends okay? Thanks.
Awww Marcy, you go girl!
Jenny, you do bring up a good point though. I am ALWAYS aware of the fact that I do NOT want them to feel like a burden. I didn’t plan them, but that doesn’t make them less wanted.
The fact of the matter is that
a: I also deal with bipolar disorder on a regular basis, which makes regular “life” difficult
b: you have no idea how many women feel the same way.
I feel the same way about my job somedays. This post is more the frustration of dealing with what really IS drudgery somedays-attempting to make women feel like every day should have puppies and rainbows coming out of it’s ass is revolting to me. Motherhood is HARD. I have incredible children, but find me ONE parent who doesn’t, at some point, want to throttle their kids.
It’s called honesty Jenny. I have friends who can’t have children, and I don’t get it either. But I’m never going to be anything less than honest with my daughters, because I love them.
And please-read more here on the site. The context will make more sense. And I get hits for this title every single day, and I can’t imagine that every single one of those parents had their children accidentally like we did.
Jenny says “you should be happy”
errrr yeah we KNOW!!!!
We DO NOT WANT to feel this way! For many of us it seems the rose tinted glasses are knocked off with a thump!
Thanks for the ‘wake-up’ Joanne! That’s exactly right!
My first daughter (now 7 y/o) was planned – MY DIVORCE WAS NOT! If I had known that he was going to abandon us and I was going to have to do it all by myself…well you get the gist!
I lost my father when I was 1 1/2 years old and my mother when I was 16 years old. I’m now almost 30 and I have 2 children. My 2nd daughter (now 4 y/o) was not planned; yes birth control should have been first and foremost. But, I also wasn’t going to abort her, either. I knew what I was in for being a single mother of two children….well, at least I thought I did. But, since I’m here on this site, I guess you all know how life is right now!
Anyway, I wanted children more than anything as a younger person. Now, I have them and I just have to make the best of it.
I hear, or read, where a lot of people say “you should be happy”, blah, blah, blah! In a fantasy world or not television, maybe. BUT NOT IN REALITY! Not when things are this difficult!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, there are REALLY happy times. We sit and eat dinner together almost every night and laugh and curl up together and watch movies or whatever. THAT PART IS WONDERFUL AND MAKES ME VERY VERY HAPPY!!!!!!
You can plan to have children but you cannot plan or imagine all that you will have to go through until it is in your face.
I guess motherhood is all about taking the good with the bad!
THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU JOANNE!
We know we should be happy-we try to be, and most days we are.
But not everyday is, or should be bliss.
please email me, i feel so similar to everything you have written would love to talk to you,
mother of a 1 year old girl.
…and, it’s not so much ‘don’t like being a MOM’ because of your kids and seeing them as a burden…
for me it’s more, ‘I don’t like being the person I’ve become since being a mom’ – grumpy and stressed out!
80-20 rule: I’m 80% mom and 20% me. I want that more balanced so that I can be a HAPPY mom. It’s not about having adult time, it’s about just having ME back and being able to enjoy my kids, not just be stressed out all the time!
You said it! That’s what I’m trying to say!
Thanks again Joanne!
Thank you for putting my feelings into words! I’ve just lost my marbles this afternoon with my kids and was sitting on the couch, weeping, feeling anger towards them and myself, and found this. I want ‘me’ back, too. I love them and all I want is harmony in the house instead of the the constant battles…
im actually crying at how many people feel the same, i still cant shake the feeling but i know as much as i want to run away from my boyfriend and our toddler they both would stil be there in my head i hate the person iv become and im full of regret for never finding out the person i could of been but this is the life fate has dealt me and i have to grow up and realise this is it!
I feel the same Gaynor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My daughter is 2 and I am hating my life. My husband wasn’t really there for the first year of her life and now my husband is deployed. I am on my own with my daughter all the time in a new place as we have moved 9 times in the last 3 years. I know some people here but not enough and the ones I know are busy with their own “bundles of joy.” I never wanted kids, then when I met my husband I thought I did….I was wrong. I still don’t want children. I don’t like the responsibility of another person’s life in my hands. I had so many dreams and aspirations that have now been squashed by my adorable 2 year old. I love her more than anything and I know if I left, it would truly be the biggest regret of my life. So in that, I feel stuck. Very very stuck. Which has led me to this post and I too have shed my fair share of tears while reading most of the answers. I was worried I was the only one and if I talked to someone they would take what I am saying incorrectly and try and take her away or something. It relieves me some to know I am not alone. I just wish there truly was light at the end of the tunnel as I have a hard time believe that there is.
Gaynor
It’s not the hand fate has dealt-it’s the one you’ve arrived at.
I truly believe that it IS best for the child if a parent who TRULY doesn’t want to be there isn’t. If I ever got to that place, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.
There is still time to be the person you could be-I surprised myself by figuring out that THIS is the person I could be-the one I never anticipated.
There is an element of surrender in mothering-learning to let go of the “coulda’s”, learning to wait a little longer, or fight a little harder for what you want or need. We grow up to become strong women, and find it almost impossible sometimes to subsume ourselves into our families as we need to do from time to time. And we watch men not have to. Or they do, and we have to juggle the guilt from all the other women over not being “womanly” enough.
It’s not just growing up-it’s growing brave-it’s accepting that life is what YOU make of it-you can enjoy your child, and this place in your life, or you can create a new one. It’s in your hands, even on the rotten days when everyone has crapped on your kitchen floor and you cannot handle one more minute.
You’re human gaynor. let yourself be.
YES!
I used to feel and say the same things Jenny did – before I became a mom. I was quick to judge because I had been babysitting since I was 7, and I knew what it was like to deal with the stress of responsibility. HA! It’s easy to judge when you can walk away from that responsibility and go about your life. It’s easy to tell someone how they should feel when you yourself have never been through such an experience.
My parents still make me feel like I was a burden and I’m a parent too! I feel so guilty for waking up every morning hoping I’m single and free of motherhood. I always took for granted working hard to support myself and wanting the family life. Now I have it and am realizing responsibility is exhausting. I can handle hating my job, or my boyfriend, car payments, leaky faucet, dog crapping in the house, etc. Knowing that there is someone always dependent on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially is not only exhausting but terrifying. Holding someone else’s life in your hands is nothing you could ever prepare yourself for. Even if you’ve married the love of your life, have tons of money, beautiful house, loving friends. You can portray the perfect fantasy and still have a dark cloud looming over you.
Everyday I feel the urge to walk away, no run away. THen the guilt pours in and knowing how much I love my child I wonder if I ever could. Even though I know mentally, emotionally and physically I would be better off without the title of “MOM”. The anxiety and guilt and comes with motherhood is overwhelming at times. Why don’t they teach that in life skills? and why dont they tell you the “joys of motherhood” are few and far in between the “when did my life get taken away” moments?
and to agree with all of you — I hate the person I am as a mother. I want to be ME again. I want MY life back.
Ditto…..thank you, Maggie!
I can relate. I thought WOW would I walk out of a 20 year marriage over having a child. Thank God for daycare, I would put my child in it 7 days per week. I put her in daycare 5 days, then church on Sunday, leaving only Sat., until yikes the holiday’s horrible holidays roll around. I could live with a nanny, or sending my kid to boarding school which I thought I would never do prior to becoming a mom. I like about 20min. per day with my child is way plenty for me. I am praying it gets better as she ages and goes to school, and then has activities that I just have to cart her to. I never knew you could grow microbes on the kitchen floor, or anywhere in the house. My husband and I have now been sick since the day the child came home. My husband was sick 1 time in 20 years until we brought this bacterial growth home to live with us.
Oh and by the way, parents that do plan to have kids still go through the same anxiety and stress. Because they all felt the same way you did before having kids. You think you know, but not even DR. Phil could explain to someone how they might feel after becoming a parent. Before becoming a parent your filled with wonder and the ‘what ifs”. You dont know so you cant feel it. Do you really think if anyone knew what it’s really like to be a parent that anyone would still be reproducing? Think of it like this: you can be told time and time again how horrible and how painful child birth is. You try to imagine the pain as explained by “horrible menstrual cramps” or “imagine someone squeezing the the hell out of your uterus”. You cringe at the thought but still cant physically feel it so its JUST a thought. You cant actually understand something unless you go through it yourself. It’s easy to empathize and make judgements because we watch families in public all the time walking around happy and joyful. They seem happy and you picture what you’re family will be like one day. The truth can be ugly and painful.
If i could give anyone advice it would be to live your own life as long as you can. Find out who you are and be at piece with yourself. Becasue as soon as that little person becomes a part of you, your life is in the backseat. Hmmm …. maybe the trunk. No it was definately left on the side of the road.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but you only have one life. Be sure you’ve lived it before you’re willing to give it up.
How ironic that I found this today written by DR. PHIL. What’s the phrase, “easier said than done?”
Getting Moms to Embrace Motherhood
How could someone have a child and regret it? Usually it is the result of the fantasy of parenthood being replaced by the reality. To most women who have never cared for a child, motherhood is a BIG surprise. A mother is not going to like the reality until she gives up the fantasy. Here are some things to consider:
Your happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with having kids or not. Take your children out of the picture and what do you have?
You probably didn’t feel much different in life before they got here, and now you are blaming them because they are handy. Don’t hold them captive.
If you don’t have what you want in this life, make a responsible plan to go get it. Go for what you want while doing the things you need to do as a parent.
You are not a victim. You made the choice to have kids, now make the choice about what kind of mom you want to be. You are a pivotal person in your child’s life. Grow up and take responsibility for that.
When you blame your kids, you leave them confused about who they are and where they fit in. If kids get a vague message about how you feel, they will always fill in the gap to their detriment.
Regret is inward anger blamed on someone else. If you are going to be angry, then be angry with someone who has some relevant accountability. Redirect your anger away from the children.
Sometimes you make the right decision; sometimes you make the decision right. The kids are here, they are precious, figure out how to enjoy them.
Take care of yourself. If you are emotionally bankrupt and strung out, you have nothing to give. When you’ve run out of coping skills ask for help. Ask your spouse, friend or family to intervene and help decompress the situation.
There is a saying: “What I fear I create.” Your kids will mirror you. As you get happy, calm, peaceful and proud, so too will they.
With all due respect, this Dr. Phil statement is full of crap.
It’s not true that I “didn’t feel different in life before the kids got here.” I was MUCH happier. Much more free. Even to this day I feel like a kinder, sweeter person when I’m in the company of adults rather than around my children, yelling at them because they repeatedly forget to flush a toiletful of their sh*t, fighting with each other, etc. Dr. Phil is just making a senseless judgment about mothers that isn’t based on reality at all.
As for children being “precious,” um, no, not really. Sounds terrible to say, but they really are NOT precious most of the time, if people are honest with themselves.
As for all of his empty statements about “take care of yourself” and “go for what you want while doing the things you need to do as a parent” – he fails to acknowledge the lack of both time and energy mothers have while “doing the things we need to do as a parent.” When exactly do we have the time and energy to take care of ourselves after a full day of looking after kids and husbands? That’s right, we don’t.
No wonder study after study shows that people are happiest before they have kids, then the least happy while the kids are in the house, then happier again after the kids leave the house. THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT. Children can be real killjoys. Science backs it up, but society refuses to acknowledge it. Except on blogs like this.
Wow that is so true. When we get together with our adult children I am stressed. Even seeing the grandkids stresses me out. No fun at all!
Maggie, thank you for contributing to this conversation that never seems to stop. 🙂
I just spent an entire hour at the store buying school supplies with my 5 year old and 7 year old. The entire time we were at the store, the 7 year old was begging for me to buy him toys. Non-stop. What the hell do I do with that?!? By the time we pulled into the drive-way, I was a wreck. I made them go in the house while I sat in the driveway for 10 minutes crying my eyes out (and I’m on Zoloft). After dragging 10 bags in the house, my daughter was yelling for me. She was on the toilet having diarrhea and it was all over her, her clothes, my bathroom rug, and the toilet. Back to my son, I need to tell you that this begging (for Pokemon cards) has been going on for 2 days with him. All punishments have failed. I’m just exhausted by him! Today was the last straw. I had to “google” “I hate being a mother” and am so glad I’m not alone. Yes, I love my children. Yes, they were totally planned. I am a stay-at-home mother and sometimes think I should not be. And no, no one can prepare you for all this. I just hope it gets easier some day.
Gotta go. My daughter just flooded the bathroom.
Oh angie! That’s horrible. I’m sure when they are safely out of the house it will be an amusing story, but right now? I’d be willing to sell them if I was you.
As I tell many of the women who google and end up here. You are NOT alone. It’s a hard job, being a mother (or a father). it’s ok to hate your job once in awhile.
I am feeling relieved that I am not alone! I feel like such a horrible mother for not wanting to be one anymore sometimes.
I hope I will not be bashed for entering this discussion, however my wife is in the same exact boat. My heart breaks for her because she cannot cope with being a mother anymore. Our marriage is on the rocks because of it. She is a stay at home mom (full-time) and I work full-time. I do the best I can to give her a break, by cleaning up around the house (cooking,cleaning,laundry) and taking the kids to the park or just out back on the swingset. As a husband, father and a man, I am trying to the best I can. My Daughter just started Kindergarten (3hrs a day) and we are enrolling my son into daycare a couple days during the week. Im trying to put myself in her shoes and understand more of what she is feeling, so I can help her. It kills me when I am at work and she texts be messages how she can’t cope anymore and she hates being a mother. Again sooo sorry for hitting this forum, but I’m lost and wanted to see what other people think anda re saying.
Take a 2wk. vacation and keep the kids and house and you will see what your wife goes through each day. I was going to be a stay at home mom, but ran back to work and put our child in daycare. You cannot see how in the heck you can get everything done with the kids hanging on you to entertain them all day, just for everyone at dinner to say yuck don’t like, and to know that at the end of the day that you will have to do all of it again the next day. Re-vac., mop, laundry, all the snot, massive snot, kid throwing up on you. I can relate my husband and I have been married for 20 years and now have a child, I would consider walking for the first time in our lives. My husband loves being a dad, but then again he does it 1 hour per day, and every other week-end and never alone, and never any discipline or rules and for some odd reason the child still always wants mom instead of dad. Work is a lot easier than being a stay at home mother. I would work if I cleared 1dollar to not be in the house with a child all day long.
Thor, u made me feel better about myself! I am 23 years old with two kids, that i stay AT HOME with, all of my friends are single girls that are graduating and getting these marvolous careers and they wonder WHY I GET SO STRESSED! how lucky i am that i dont have to WORRY ABOUT GETTING UP IN THE MORNING AND GETTING DRESSED! that i can LAY AROUND IN MY PJS ALL DAY! do u know how great it would be for me to be able to HAVE the energy to get up and put makeup on! to get out of my pjs….i hate this OVERWELMING FEELING…i dont know if i am suppose to go to my doctor and get him to put me on meds and be doped up all day, or do i just stay this frustrated nervous wreck? i need some advise? i have NO ONE TO TALK TO that understands at ALL!
Kristin _ september 19,2007
Man can I relate especially to the bad mommy thing where i’m 80% mom and 20% me. Not to mention I almost always feel like the bad mommy, I’m always yelling screaming and threating my kids I almost never smile anymore and when i do it’s almost like it’s forced.Don’t get me wrong I LOVE MY KIDS TO DEATH but nobody told me how hard it would be I should give my mom hell!! Somedays i almost feel like i could have another one because my kids have been so sweet but then i have those days were i feel like shooting myself and on those days i realize there is no way i could ever have another one. I’d like to hold onto the 20% that i still have of me. I hope that it gets easier.. Please tell me it does!!
kristin _ september 19th 2007
I almost forgot to mention the fact that I have an amazing husband who is always there when i need a break from the kids. On every saterday i get to make plans with friends or family to basically get out of the house and get a break from the kids. Without him i surely would of gone insane by now!! So I’d like to give a shout out to all the husbands who understand what their wives are going through , and are there for them
Well, I googled: “i can’t handle going to school and being a mom”–and here I am. After reading this blog from top to bottom, I’m a bit relieved to find that there are others that feel this way, but I’m a little sad too. I guess I was hoping to find some magical answer, some remedy online to fix this. I’m a mother of 2 (ages 10 and 5). I turned 30 last month–and transferred to the university of my choice this month. I applied to this school with the knowledge that my chances were slim to none–but what do I do now? My workload is impossible and I don’t want to drop out. I’m already “old” according to some of my classmates. Before this, I was juggling full-time status at a community college with motherhood and it was beyond stressful. I can’t help but wish that I could leave my kids with a relative for these two years and finally do something for myself. Since becoming a mother, I’ve disappeared completely. And now that I have a chance to reclaim a small piece of my identity, I’m realizing that I won’t be able to after all. I know I’m beyond the entire college experience, but I can’t even complete my assignments. They are constantly calling my name, asking for things, fighting, and complaining. I don’t really know what to do but I am so grateful for this posting, I was really sad today.
Zoiie. I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t handle working and going to school-I doubt I could do it now. Can you reduce your course load, do the schooling over a few years?
If it is your dream-do it. You need to have your own, not just those of your children.
You can see many, MANY women feel as you do. You aren’t alone.
Kristin-it gets easier. I think. 😛
Kristin_september20 2007
This week has been very stressful for me, I just feel like I have no patience at all. I really don’t want my kids growing up with the only memories of mommy are of me screaming and yelling,which is what I seem to be doing all the time. Sometimes I just find myself crying all of a sudden and I’m not really sure if it’s because I’m always sceaming at my kids,and I feel like the worst mother in the world or if it’s because I’m just at my wits end!! I suppose it could a bit of both. Do any of you women every see or even know any mother’s who just always have a smile on their faces, always seem like they have it so well together and basically seem like they never yell at their kids? Well i have and I find myself wishing I was more like them, even though deep down inside I know their lives can’t be all peaches and cream but they always seem to be happy I wish I felt that way or could at least act like I am but I am who I am. I know I’m a good mother I just wish I was perfect and cheery all the time,even though I know that is unrealistic.I think we all want to be that perfect super mom, I know I do and alot of the time I can be but sometimes i just want to lock myself in the bedroom and cry forever.I just hope that all my yelling doesn’t affect my kids because that would kill me! Anyways thank you for letting me vent today it feels good, I love my girls and all I want is the best for them and sometimes I don’t think that I am what’s best for them. How sad is that?!
Wow, Kristin. I’m reading your post over two years later, but I feel like I could have written that today. Or last week. Or last month. Or two months ago. I also have two little girls–2 years and 5 months. And I feel like I’m always yelling at and threatening my 2 year old. It so worries me too that they’ll be affected b/c I can’t “deal” with the stress they cause. And I HATE seeing all these other mothers who not only have it all together with their kids, but have also 1) lost their baby weight, 2) look perfectly pulled together, 3) and still have time to have a normal life–to be involved in activities and functions, to go on vacations, and mail out terrific Christmas cards. And then there is me . . . I feel SO out of it. Like a zombie, no where near my former self. A shadow, really. An angry, grumpy shadow. The worst part is, I’m still as ambitious as I was before kids. But now that ambition is succumbing to despair because I have no “me” time . . . no time to accomplish things for myself. I feel like my life has ended . . . and I’m only 27!
I know exactly how you feel because I was there myself about 7 years ago. The feeling you are having will pass and you will eventually feel like you again. Children are really young like that for a very short time (even though it can feel like an eternity) and it gets easier as they get older. My oldest is now 9 1/2 and my other two are 8 and almost 4 and things are definitely better than they were. I have even gone back to school and I am playing hockey and doing things for myself again and it feels good. I can be a better mom and enjoy the kids more because I am happier than I used to be. There is still lots of stress and frustration but not like there was when they were still babies. So, hang in there, it will get better. You just have to wait it out. If possible, I would highly recommend finding something to get involved in each week, something just for you. It really makes a difference.
Carolyn
Megan,
I’m a bit late to reply to your post but ive only just saw it.
Trust me, those girls you see aren’t happy either. I’m 27, lost the baby weight immediately, am dressed with makeup when I leave the house and go out once a week.
I cry 10 times a day. I cant stand being a full time mom with out someone to help me, with one night of a break. I feel like I can’t breathe, that I’m losing it or that I’ll miscarry my second child from the stress.
My son incessantly whines, wanting this or insisting on that. He fights with me about holding his hand when crossing the street, throws a tantrum when we leave the park. Meanwhile I’m pregnant with my second (my first is 3yrs old). And I have to leave the park because its been 2 hours without a bathroom and he is fighting and hitting and screaming every step of the way, then you have some stranger staring and making a comment because you yell at your kid to listen when all you want is not to pee your pants.
I feel like I’m going tom lose it at any moment. And I can’t go on medication to help with the stress because I still have half my pregnancy and breastfeeding to go.
I want to walk away from it all, life, this life, I don’t know, all the time. Then there are the strangers with comments, and people who say how easy my life is i don’t have to work. Id gladly work to escape but my sons father wont pay for daycare.
It’s so so hard that I just can’t take it anymore most of the time. Crying 10 times a day is hardly a way to live a life. And I hate when my son sees it. Either he’s the cause, or he tries to make me feel better by giving me a hug. I figure as bad as it gets, at least I’m doing something right.
Oh my Gosh, I also googled this and here I am. I am 27 and dealing with a very strong willed 3 year old boy. He is killing me. I quit my full time steady job so I could be home with him and now I miss having that work time where I actually feel like I accomplished something in a day.
I am crying from this post and reading all these responses. Every response on here is how I feel. I feel like I am not my old self, I miss that old life, and for the last month I wake up in the morning terrified of the day ahead with my son.
I am emotionally drained. I have no me time. And I was looking forward to my son starting preschool and was just informed today that he is on a waiting list and it could be never that he gets in before he starts Kindergarten. I was so looking forward to some time without him while he was in an environment that was beneficial to him. Now my dreams are shattered. I have to keep on like I have been keeping on.
If anyone wants to email me and talk, that would be great. I also have no support and no close friends. None of my friends have kids yet. They all get to go to college all day and have fun exciting lives of their own.
My son wasn’t planned. I was a career-driven woman when I got pregnant. I wasn’t going to abort him, but I sure wasn’t happy about being a mom and thought that I’d eventually slip into this mom stuff and be happy about it. Nope. 3 years later, I feel even more strongly than I did when I got the positive pregnancy test.
Amanda,
My son is 3 too, and Im 27. I know exactly how you feel. I was working and had to quit as well and hate being stay at home full time. It has been especially hard for me as well because I wont know until tomorrow if he gets into the free PREK or if Ill have to wait another year. Ive been paying for daycare for 2 days a week which has been a financial strain and chose not to for the summer because of financial difficulties. Which means no days to breathe. I think I freak out almost every day and have a nervous breakdown about once a week without those 2 days off!!
Let me know your email if you want to get in contact. My son is strong-willed as well. And if its rainy and I cant get him to the park and have to stay in most of the day, it drives me crazy!!
Me too, Amanda. I am also a SAHM to a 3 yr old strong-willed son who wasn’t planned(I didn’t want kids, and surprise!) I found out I was pregnant 2 months after my honeymoon. I too, felt like I had no choice but to keep him, and I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone told me that my feelings would change once I saw his face for the 1st time. I do love him, but those “natural maternal feelings” never showed up. I resent being a mother even more now that he’s in the rebellious toddler phase. Most days I don’t think I can take one more minute with him and then he does or says something so sweet that makes me feel so guilty for feeling that way. I want to be a GOOD MOM, and I hate the anger/guilt cycle, I just don’t know how to break out of it. You’re not alone and I’m glad I’m not, either!
Hi Amanda, just today I called my husband and asked when he would be coming home…he said “Why”. I said because I need a break…… he went off on me.
I knew he wouldn’t understand and never will. I wanted to cry…teary eyes but yet was able to hold it all back so my children wouldn’t see me.
I feel terrible treating my children like they always do everything wrong. Seems that everything they do annoys me.
My husband has been out of town for going on 2 weeks now and I have been cooped up with the children (I don’t have a vehicle to fit all of them in….4 girls (6,4,3,1)
They cry, whine, fuss, fight, make the house filthy, cop attitudes every 2 minutes.
Nothing and no one can prepare us for motherhood.
Just like you…I have no friends to talk to because they don’t have kids. I had a best friend but we drifted apart because our lives are just so different.
No having another mother to share true feelings about motherhood is heartbreaking.
My husband and I want a boy someday…but looking at my girls I am always thinking to myself that I don’t want anymore children. I feel like I just can’t do it.
I am so alone on this….I saw your post and I thought maybe we could be friends. I would like to get to know you. Even if it’s just a long distance friendship, I would be happy to know you.
Anticipating your reply….Kimberly
Hey Amanda! I know what you mean. This is my third child, and, with all if my kids ( I am 28 yrs old) I have considered quitting a job that I don’t like – well, I have not stopped working because I know I cannot take being a SAHM…kudos to those of you who do this. My hubby & I will have to make things work w/his job, but I want him to know also what ‘fun’ it is to stay w/ the kids full time (he won’t get this though, because his Mom is too awesome – she wouldn’t ‘leave him in a bind’ that way). I’d have been in a sanitarium if it weren’t for my mother & tons of family support & my job too. You will find glimpses of YOU again – let them be motivators to move you toward happiness again!
Kristen, Believe me I UNDERSTAND….since the day my first was born ALL i have wanted was, what was best for him…his dad lives 4 hours away and there are def. times that i feel like he would be best….but then i have to think to myself…being a MOM to him is the best thing for him, i would DIE if he was at his dads ALL the time… 1 week a month drives me nuts enough…its like the day he leaves i get this feeling of relief then about 35min later I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!!! my husband (who i have a second child with) told me the other day… when i asked him if he thought i was a bad housewife bc i NEVER seem to get the LAUNDRY, COOKING, CLEANING, and KIDS done all in one day….he told me i wasnt a bad housewife i was just a GOOD MOM! that made me feel wonderful, bc he knows that i spend all my time and patience on my 3 year old and 6month old….so i too want to give PROPS to the good husbands and dads out there…but i have to say from my OWN experience, it doesnt matter how good HEis…. u will STILL have days u want to WALK AWAY… at least I DO!!!
KRISTIN
I feel you Rachel, Whenever my mom takes the kids for the night so that my husband and I can have a night out ALONE… I feel such a sense of weight lifted off my chest and I’m excited that I don’t have to deal with the fighting or the feedings or even the bedtime routine, but not long afterwards I start to miss them like crazy!!It’s crazy I know but even though we want to get away from our kids soo badly sometimes we can’t help but mis them and all the silly and annoying things that they do.I can’t imagine not being with my kids for a whole week! Even thoughthe thought does sound appealing it would be difficult for me that’s for sure! It’s funny how we want one thing sooooo badly and then when we get it were somewhat disappointed if you know what I mean. I know when I was pregnant with my first I couldn’t wait for her to out of me.. I had a horrible pregnancy and I found myself hating her because she was causing all these unwanted things to my body but when she was finally out I hated it I wanted her back in my belly. I guess because for 9 months it was just her and me and now I had to share her with the rest of the world I missed her kicking me in the ribs and hiccupping and keeping me awake till all hours of the morning!Now all I wanted was to have her back inside of me!So I guess the moral of the story is is that no matter how much our kids may get to us and somedays just want to run away from it all we really deep down inside enjoy the torture!!I LOVE MY GIRLS!!
EXACTLY….it is like my husband says, I AM NEVER SATISFIED..haha! i want them here, but at the same time i want to TAKE A BREATH! i think it would be awesome if EVERY HOME had TWO MOMS and ONE DAD….then we would have someone to help! but it isnt that way so we just thank god that are children arent SICK or DIEING and enjoy them being little….of course i am writing this after my son has been at his dads for right under 24 hours…..
Hey ladies,My husband and I have been playing around with the idea of having a third child. This both excites me and horrifies me at the same time. I’m a stay at home mom and am struggling with my emotions on a day to day basis. My day’s are filled with tons of house work constant fighting constant yelling and some day’s it’s all I can do to get through the day! So am I crazy for wanting another?I keep wavering back and forth some days I feel like no problem I can do and but then I have those day’s where I question my sanity. But the thought of having another baby does still appeal to me but I’m freaking scared to death! Right now I have two healthy girls ages 5 and 3.. I’m afraid of pushing fate so to speak like stop while I’m ahead. What if I have a baby with some kind of disability? I know I would not be able to handle that!!! My life is crazy enough the way it is. I would really just like to know if any of you have more than 2 kids and if so give me some advise. Is it really that much more difficult? I am 39 so I don’t have much time left so if I’m going to do this it needs to be pretty soon so if anyone has any advise please I’d love to hear from you.God I must be crazy!!
It’s been very lonely here no one is coming to visit anymore. What’s going on ladies i need to talk so someone please talk to me. I’m bored and need some ADULT conversation!! Anybody out there?
I think it would be great if u have a third child, it might help ME want one! haha! if u are like me then “u will never be financially stable for a child” and at the same time “u will never be EMOTIONALLY stable enough for a child” they are HARD WORK, but if u go in with an open mind… U CAN DO IT!
i agree … where is EVERYBODY???
My son came back from his dads Sunday, and i have to say, the past two days have NOT SEEMED BAD AT ALL!!! i am so enjoying having my babies and doing things with the TWO of them! i dont know how hard the going from one to two thing is or how long the overwhelming feeling lasts, but i seem to be getting better at it….i hope it continues to get better!!!
I just searched for “being a mother” and found this post. Thanks! (I’m a father-to-be researching what it will be like for my wife to be a mother and how best to support her.)
I know that I am not the only person who hates being a mom. The problem really goes beyond that for me though. I dislike spending time with my kids. I will almost always say “no” if one of my kids asks to play with me. I just do not feel it. I know that I have a heavy load right now. My husband does not live with us at the moment and I do work part time plus the three kids. If I did not work though, I think I would go off the deep end. The kids just do not bring me joy. I know, how sad to say that, I am only being honest. I would never let anything happen to them or hurt them. I never even wanted kids, was never even on my mind. The girls (7 and 6) are constently arguing and my 12 yr old son thinks he can run the house. Not to mention the fact that no one listens to me. Even when my husband is visiting, he ignores me and my rules with the kids and does what he wants. It is very hard to stick around when you are expected to run the show for 6 months at a time but then be pushed aside the minute another adult shows up. The kids even know that when dad is home, mom has no say. but now, it is that way when he is gone. They know they do not have to listen to me. Which makes my feelings about not wanting to be a mom anymore even stronger. Boy, i am screwed up.
Jennifer
I feel the exact same way. I never want to play with my kid. I feel so guilty about it later but I find no joy in being a mother. In fact, I can say that I HATE it and mean it. I don’t use that word a lot but when I do, it means something serious. It’s like the only feelings I have towards my child are guilt and annoyance. It’s so wrong…
I really can relate to how you feel “Hate This” I really can. I force myself to play with my child, I force myself to do everything with my child.
Jennifer when I read your post I felt sad for you ,cause while kids can be tough to take even on the best of days,they should at least bring you some joy!I can only imagine what it must be like to take care of 3 kids on your own, without any help from someone else. I have 2 girls two and a half and five years old,but I also have a great husband who is there for me supporting me and totally gets how hard being a mother is especially a stay at home one. But there is one thing that we are both united in and that is the discipline and punishment of the kids,without us being on the same page surely our kids would run ramped!! So in your case I think it would be very important for you and your husband to sit down and have a heart to heart about the whole discipline thing.You guys have to come to some kind of a common ground and you both need to be strong for your kids and if your kids don’t have any respect for you or your rules now, then I would worry what it will be like in a few years!!Kids want discipline and structure and it’s up to us as parents to give it to them as tough as it may be for us and I’m sure all of us have different circumstances but I think the one thing that we all have in common is that we love our kids and would do anything for them. So I guess my advise to you is to talk with your husband and come to an agreement on the discipline of your kids and stick to it,you need to for your sanity!Your kids need you to.And ps I don’t think your screwed up ,I just think your a frustrated mom who needs some help and maybe a little bit of TLC.Good luck with evrything.PPS we ALL have days where we hate being moms and we can’t stand our kids so your completly normal!
Hello…Anybody out there?
I too feel your pain and today is one of those days. When I read this it was as if I were reading my own thoughts and feelings.
Well it’s official I’m pregnant with my third child and I’m 39yrs old. I have to say that I am freaking out!! It was not planned so I’m not too excited about it. Not to mention the horrible pregnancy’s I have sick the entire time and everyday all day not looking forward to that. Does anyone have 3 or more kids?If so could you please give me some advice the thought of having a third just really freaks me out!! I hope it will be ok.I have been taking anxiety meds for almost a year now so when I found out I was pregnant i had to dump them,now i am going through withdrawl and i can’t sleep at night i used them mostly to help me sleep at night. So it has been extremely hard to be happy about this baby. So please if anyone has any advise for me please let me know. Thanks
Thank you! I actually tried and tried to have kids.. using fertility drugs to get my twins, and then having the baby on my own.. but now, oh my god, I am totally feeling like I dont wanna be a mom anymore.
Thanks for making me see its just a feeling.. and it may pass..
Gin-that’s why I wrote this. So other’s won’t feel so alone and mean when they feel like they’re at the end of their rope.
We don’t always love our jobs-why should we always love being a mom?
You have me in absolute tears here. What you are feeling is exactly what I’m feeling, it’s as if I wrote this.
It has done me good to see that other people feel that they can’t handle being a mother anymore. I just want to run away, I really don’t feel I can go on – how do you get over it?
Thank you for being so honest and having the guts to do this. So many people don’t admit how they feel, sometimes I want to shake other mothers and say “please please feel the same way as me”
I just want to get over all this and love my baby, no-one seems to hear me, how can I tell people that I don’t want to look after my baby any more
I just hope things get better. Only I can do something about it but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Please tell me how you handle it?
Take care
Caz
I have been a mother for 34 years, and I have felt this way countless times. Most mothers, if honest, would admit they experience this. Believe it will get better, but it will never go away entirely. Mothers are allowed to be human.
Thank you for the support. I failed so bad tonight. I lost it with my 2 year old – he and my 4 month old were whining all 7 hrs that I was with them – their father took our sane 4.5 yr old… he thought he’d “give me a little break”… Um, I don’t think I’ve sworn so much in one sentence in my life. When i’ve told my DH about how upset I am, he says that I should just say whatever i want our kids to say -I KNOW that, how else do you control your own frustration when the screaming is grinding on your every nerve ending?? I try and it is never good enough. For hubby for the kids. .. so all I want is to escape it. I have tried for sooo long to be all that they need, I am incapable. I was scared at how upset I was with my 2 year old. We live in a town home complex, so my neighbors probably already think I’m insane. Argh… I just wish I could just go back..I feel like a horrible, horrible mother……I don’t want to be one – I’d rather just be an auntie or guardian, I just don’t know..
big big ditto i dont know what to do anymore
this is exactly how i feel right now- and thank you for writing it.
You’re right Thor, this is a great post. I’ve just started dating a woman who I dated when we were both much younger. She has two kids now, both from men who abused her. She experienced some of the same feelings with her kids as you have, but I think because she was under threat from the men in her life she focused on protecting her girls from what was happening… so protecting them overtook the feeling they were a threat to her. If that makes sense. Now, the more time we spend alone together the more I seem to be becoming a refuge she has never had before. And it’s giving her time to think about things she couldn’t while she was with those men… I’m into assumptions and theories here, I only saw her on one occasion with one of her abusers and her eyes never left the floor. But I’m thinking, much like people in our situation where we get the manic depression out of the way so we can deal with the clinical depressions, maybe she’s entering into a situation where the abuse is finally over, she has a non-threatening environment to finally start thinking about the things which were done to her and around her, and maybe — maybe — she might start seeing her girls with some amount of resentment. She has spoken to me about how life could (COULD) be better without them, how it would be easier for us to date. Or it might be easier for her to recover if they weren’t around. I’m not worried about her harming the girls, but I am getting a little nervous how she treats them might change.
I grew up with a single mom who dated irregularly. But I was, as a kid, deaf, dumb and blind towards it — mostly due to the circumstances I was raised in, I didn’t really know my mom before I was eight. So I don’t know if her behaviour towards my brother and myself changed after the abuse stopped. It does seem possible, however, that if a mother is being abused and she is forced to protect her children from the abuse for a longish period of time, it might suppress that postpartum depression until a time comes when the abuse and threat to the child stops… or maybe it’s something altogether different… like “mommy could recover faster from the abuse she suffered if it weren’t for the kids, so the kids become a threat to mommy’s recovery.”
Anyway… that’s just me thinking out loud. The woman I’m dating now has made some comments to the fact she feels safe here, with me, and how she’s having a harder and harder time going back home to her kids. But not with enough seriousness to make me believe she’s totally serious. More wistful than planning anything.
Thanks for sharing this post with me, Thor.
I am so glad I found this site. I love my 2 year old son more than I could ever put into words. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I can’t imagine my life without him and he brings me joy. However, I also really do not like being a mother. Not even a little bit. I so desperately long to have my “old life” back. Of course, this makes me feel like the worst mother on the planet. I am so relieved to know I am not the only one. That I am not some heartless freak.
Obviously I typed in a phrase that you all did too, not knowing what would come up. WOW…sometimes it is just nice to know you are not alone. That in and of itself can ease some of the tears.
I have 4 children (4 years and under…yes there is a pair of twins in there) and love them…would put my life on the line for them, but sadly miss the person I was or would have become 😦
I always say, “With the good comes the bad…love hard…fight hard” It just really sucks when your in the rough moment.
Thanks to everyone for posting and putting sanity into what feels like insanity
4 under 4 and two of them are twins! My hat goes off to you! I feel overwhelmed with 2!
You all just helped solidify my decision to get sterilized. I will never know the torment of grotesquely fattened preggo stomach, labour pain, or the lack odf freedom, or the sleepless nights, expenses, and ruining of my potential, all for the sake of creating another useless human. Sure, kids love ya, need ya, whatever,…..I have a loving husband, a career I love, travel, hobbies, a great dog….and still look great in a bikini at nearly 40 , and have plenty of time for beaches, parties, etc….shallow life? Nope! Just happy. And I get to CHOOSE whop I am kind to, not have it forced on me. Sooo glad I am childfree, but my condolences to you who regret parenthood but can’t admit it and hide the truth in vague protests of it all being ‘worth it’….hey, whatever gets ya through the next day trapped at home with no sitter or midnight feeding…
Thordora; I’m sure all the moms that happen to come upon this site googling “I cannot handle being a mother” will give you a standing ovation. The fact that you had the courage to say something in a society where the “commercial” image of motherhood is chocolate chip cookies, and gap T-shirts is a brave thing to do indeed.
Tears came to my eyes as I read your post—followed by so many other moms in the same boat. Your words resonated with me on such a deep plane. I want to RUN!!!! RUN FAR FAR AWAY—but I know it won’t solve anything because those kids are imprinted in you, just as much as you make an imprint on them everyday.
As you said, it’s not about them–it’s about yourself. How you lose yourself. And I have became angry and bitter—and feeling like a horrible mom for not being chipper and grateful and happy about having such two beautiful, healthy, amazing children. Somehow you can never be good enough to be the mom that they deserve—that you don’t have enough to give…and this even though you give everything…to the point where there’s nothing left.
Yeah yeah, I know….take time for yourself….it’s a nice sentiment, but the reality is time for yourself is a guilty “pleasure”, and “pleasure” is hyphenated because in the back of your mind they’re always there.
Again Thordora, Thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you.
You’re absolutely amazing. Taking a troll like comment such as this and changing it into something which is actually worth reading and so well put.
You’re awesome Thordora!
As for that person. Sterilization would be best, for her sake – and ours. To each their own I guess.
So often lately I am overwhelmed by my selfishness of wanting to get out, to have an affair, to do “something”, but I love my babies (7,3,2). I realize through these posts that my feelings are natural, but I see now I need to break my cycle of self pity, let the house go to crap and have a little fun. Live a little and live it with the crazy, whiny, cute, loud and smart kids that are mine and mine alone (well ok my husbands too). Geez I have let myself get down, down and I’ve got to get myself up and out of this pit, I’m not a hostage! Thanks for input ladies, just knowing you are out there too is a balm to my soul.
Yeah, I am pretty awesome Sam. Or at least awesome enough to have remembered to check my spam filter and free you. 🙂
Wonderful post. I have found it very helpful to find other women who are feeling the same way I do. I love my 10-week old girl much more now than I did when she was born or for the first few weeks of her life. I don’t know if its because I had an emergency C-section and didn’t even get to hold her for almost 24 hours or if it was a touch of post partum anxiety but at three weeks, I had to hire a baby nurse because I was screaming for my husband to get the baby the hell out of our room and make her shut up. Mind you, she wasn’t crying. She was just making the grunts and groans and squeeks that all babies make when they sleep, but it was driving me insane. I lost my appetite and had to give up breastfeeding by week 6. I felt like a failure. Now, its only 4 weeks later but my feelings have regulated somewhat. I can enjoy her smiles and cooing and look forward to other developmental milestones. My next bout with anxiety will be when i go back to work in two weeks and have to leave her with a nanny. This coupled with her very poor sleeping habits are my current stress points that lead me to have several moments a day where I hate being a mom. She will always be with me and I will always worry. I have a great support network and can drop her off at my moms to get out of the house when I want but I always feel I need to rush back. Not because I miss my baby so much, I know she is fine. I feel “bad” that my mom is having to deal with her fussing and crying and pooping and feeding. Its MY responsibility, not my mothers. This is stupid because my Mom loves spending time with her grandaughter. So why do I feel this way?
The turning point for me came when I finally started sharing my mixed feelings about being a Mom with my friends. All of my friends looked like such great moms who were always happy but finally, one of my most intelligent friends said to me “are you kidding? BABIES SUCK!” She assured me that most mom’s are full of it if they claim to love every little bit of fussing and crying and diaper changing. She assured me that as my baby gets older and develops a personality, things will get better and I will enjoy her more but that until then, I should not feel bad when I am bored with my baby or mad at her for not taking a nap for more than 20 minutes or whatever it is that she is doing thats annoying me.
I also need to not worry that every minute of her wakefullness is full of developing and learning (10 minutes of tummy time, now 10 minutes doing ABCs, 10 minutes of song time…. now mommy is washing babies bottles, now mommy is doing laundry UGH UGH UGH!!!!)
I could write so much more about what I feel and how I largely drive myself insane. I know other people have babies that slept through the night when they were 4 weeks old. Mine is not one of those babies. I am lucky to get two hours of sleep in a row at night and I have a terrible time napping during the day. I resent my baby for this. But I also know she is not trying to manipulate me into being sleep deprived (at least not at this young age.) I just try to make the few minutes a day that are wonderful, when she smiles and coos, last me all day long.
I just appreciate knowing that there are other women out there who aren’t all happy happy joy joy about being a mom 24/7. This is the toughest job I have ever had, some days, it totally kicks my ass. I hope that months from now my baby will at least sleep 6 hours in a row so I can feel a little more human and maybe a little better able to deal.
oh seneca…there should be a book given out when you give birth detailing things that suck about the first little while. I don’t even like kids until around 1 year. I can coo at other babies, but if I had to take it home, I’d go nuts.
I’m glad you have friends willing to tell it like it is. It makes you feel less alone. And despite how you feel, you will sleep again, I promise. I’ve been there, and I’m glad I’ll never be there again. Enjoy what you can, shrug off the rest.
Wow, I googled no longer want to be a mother and found this blog. Like the others, I have to admit that I’m happy I’m not alone in this. I have one 6mth old and I KNOW that I don’t want anymore kids. I can barely mentally handle the one I have! Just today, I was driving wishing I could just keep going, not look back, change my number and start over with my life. Hell, I still do!
I’ve been to the outermost reaches of PPD and major depressive disorder. Mine are now 7 and 8 and somehow, I made it through school when they were younger to become a professional. A new moment happens instantaneously and yet, I still have trouble lots of the time. I feel like I’m pulling myself apart~~not a good feeling.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired and never get any time to myself. NONE. I am with my baby 24/7. I am in need of sleep (he went to bed at 3am last night then got up at 6:30, and now tonight is still up at 3:30am), a shower and some time alone. No matter what I do my child will not do anything without me. Tonight I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. He is only 6 months old and I love him to pieces, but I hate the crying, by him and me. I don’t know what to do!! I need help!!! I’m trying so hard and am getting no where!
Wow,, I have read the post, but still can’t get happy… I am not feeling sorry for my self the slightest, just overwhelmed by it all. I have a 5 yo who has now just finished kindergarten and a 3 month old. I tell everybody that all is well (lying of course) just to show that I am coping and all is happy at home. I am fortunate that I have a loving and helpful husband who happens to be in the firing line most of the time when I have my moments of bitterness and moods. He tends to tell me all the time that all parents go through this and to deal with it (this is when I become more angry and start to hate him and hate being a mother) Well…I can’t help feeling like this, I hate myself for feeling like this. Please don’t think I am being selfish and inconsiderate as I love my girls and husband dearly. But going back to what I said at the beginning I can’t get happy 😦
We’ve been conditioned to think we SHOULD be happy just because we have children. And sometimes we are-but it’s such hard, tiring and at times thankless work that I don’t understand how we can be happy at all.
What’s important is that you aren’t alone. I feel this frequently. I love my children dearly but somedays….I’d rather take a long walk off a short pier.
Don’t hate yourself. Accept that not everyday is perfect. Accept that you aren’t perfect. Find something small that brings you happiness-for me, knitting, writing, walking, music, working outside of the home, these are all things that make ME happy. Which makes me a much better mother.
You are not selfish. You’re human. We tend to forget that mothers are human.
Courtney, it gets better. I hate babies. HATE THEM. The first year for me is hell with children. But now-I have a 4 year old and a almost 3 year old, and most of the time, it’s awesome. Babies are not cute 100% of the time.95% of the time, they are a PITA. It gets better.
Thanks for the comment Thordora.. I appreciate your honesty and it makes me feel better (I have to admit that I started tearing after reading it). Just today I was out buying food for Christmas lunch and my 5 year old came with me. It felt like a thorn was on my side and all I kept on telling her is to be quite and so on…..
Well…I have made a decision that I do need to see my GP for advice and to be assessed because I feel that I need HELP, it mentally weighs me down to the ground and I want to be able stand up again.
Having children not only drains you but they also put a huge strain on your body which also contributes to the way I feel.. (an over stretched, sagging accordion)
I didn’t mentioned in my previous blog how I came across this.. I started to google my darkest thought of how I felt (not good!!!!)
‘HOW TO COMMIT S#####!!!’.. can you believe that was going through my mind. I am so glad that I am not alone and I wish people would open up more with the way they feel about having children and the impact and changes they can have on you. (it is not fully covered in the prenatal classes)
Anyway, 2008 is a week away and I will be seen more years go by. So I wish you all a pleasant Christmas and New Year…
When I came across this work of Thor’s, via the same path you all took, I was first so crushed to see that I had missed the conversation. The first reply is from March 26th of what is now last year. Then, for the next hour, I read. and read. and read. Finally. A place where I can say it. I can say it all. I don’t have to hold anything back. I can tell you. I can’t tell him. I can’t tell them. I haven’t even told me all of it. But I CAN tell you. Thank you all so very much. I am far too overwhelmed at the the moment to try to begin to purge the “evil” that lies whithin, but I will be returning here. When I do, I expect to compose a lengthy and painful comment. For now….I’m just so happy to have found you all. Thank you.
You’re more than welcome. Come often-we give free hugs. 🙂
Hi Everyone
Well I made my way here by the usual route. I want to say thanks to the men who have written here, I felt for each of you, to Kristin I would have said if I had been in time DON’T DO IT but it’s too late for that now girl. Hope the pregnancy goes well, take every bit of help anyone offers, when they offer write it down so that you remember who it was when you need them. 🙂 To Lori Hugs.
At 16 I told my Mom that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have kids. She burst into tears, I felt emotionally blackmailed. Between her and the church which really didn’t get a woman’s role in any other package I got married at 22. 5 years later I felt I ought to start this vocation and then had 3 years of trying with a year of fertility treatment. Anyhow I forced nature’s hand so here I am 40 years old mother of 3, ages 7, 8 boys and my daughter aged 11. I must tell you that by the time the fertility treatment under way I very much wanted to have a baby I am just not sure I ever wanted a child 🙂 When the first was born C section she wouldn’t suckle and it took four gruelling weeks to begin breast feeding. I think perhaps I won my first battle of wills with her at this point. After that we had two glorious years together, I was the perfect happy Mom. I did have a down-ish time when she was 9mo but extra Vit B did the trick (that is something I would highly recommend for all mom’s) The fertility treatment worked quickly and easily for number 2 and there is 2 years and 9 months between them. Perfect!
When I was 5 months pregnant with my second the dam broke and I lost my temper with my daughter. I was beating my fists up and down on her bed and screaming and my husband had to pull me off her and sit on me. It was my tenth wedding anniversay that day nearly 9 years ago now. I think the dam broke on all the “have to’s” in my world of conservative church, education, marriage and upbringing. I went into therapy the next week but unfortunately I wasn’t put on meds until two years ago. I more or less abused my daughter for the next 3 years. For some reason I am ok with the boys but truth to tell I feel very little affection for my kids. My second was horrid from 6 months to two years and the third who was a total horrible, horrible shock. I was deeply depressed by the time the second was born and to be pregnant again 6 months later was terrible. I do now wonder if the third pregnancy wasn’t a way to keep me alive those months. I got to the point where I believed I was a terrible danger to my children and that nothing was going to work and I needed to kill myself for their safety and mental health. I didn’t know my third child really until he was 9 months when I realised that he considered his nanny his mother and that I needed to do something about that.
One of the things that helped me immensely was taking a day off every two weeks. I went to a retreat centre north of my home and cried and wrote and slept from 9 am till 3pm. I have a house keeper who looked after the children and I organised dinner in the slow cooker to be ready as I walked in through the door at 5pm. A the time I was caring for my husbands parents who were 88 years old. I was also trying to ensure the growth and welfare of a young girl orphaned by AIDS, fortunately she wasn’t living with us at the time. There are other pretty dramatic bits of family drama that were happening at the time to add to the load. Oh and my husband runs his business from home and travels quite a bit. Fortunately when he is at home he is the best, most wonderful father and support I could wish for. I am now on meds I am no longer a physical danger to my children, everyone gets fed, touched and put to bed each day and I consider that a victory. I am at university getting a degree and have tried to be a real person in my own right outside of my home as much as possible. This year I did consider getting a job but I can’t work care for a family of seven and get the degree………..can I? I still have my father-in-law and my extra daughter now 15 living with me.
I do not like my daughter, she gets on my nerves she brings out the worst in me and although I probably do love the children, in a day to day fashion I feel no affection only irritation and frustration. I do think they would be better off without me but I am afraid that the emotional scars of me leaving them now would only compound the damage already done. I tolerate them while trying to do the best for them emotionally, socially, physically etc. Spiritually I believe that each soul is equally sacred and that my children have great value. I believe that they should be respected, nurtured and valued and that they should be given tools to become responsible, loving, compassionate beings. So why do I fail so miserably to be that light filled being for them? Why do I lack tenderness and compassion for the ones I am closest to?
I hate being a mother. As I grow and find other avenues in which to be “me” I tolerate motherhood better and am able to be more responsive and creative in my parenting. Silly thing is I really enjoy helping adults to grow and realise their sacred potential why can’t I do that at home? Sigh, as someone says “this too will pass” and when it does I can only hope that the strengths I have gained in this desperate journey will in some way help my children to work through the damage that having me for a mother is causing.
Not sure that I have been any good to anyone with this ramble but I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the opportunity to share.
Love and strength
Jacqui
I felt that way for the first 9 months of my son’s life. I didn’t want to touch him, look at him, hear him, nothing. I hated his father for ruining my life and I look back now and think that if his dad wasn’t there, I might have hurt my son. He’s going to be 4 next month and I’m still on meds for my PPD. I also developed anxiety. At this exact moment I should be doing a project for my final days of college but all I want to do is sit here and cry. I want to give up. Everything. My whole life feels like a sham. I’ve always felt I was tricked into having my son by his father. And I resent him more than anything for that. But it started to project on my son and I had to remind myself every 5 minutes that it’s not HIM I hate, it’s his father. I still think he would’ve been better off with another family but what’s done is done. Whenever my friends say they want children, I tell them “No! You don’t. You only think you do because you don’t have any. It’s a horrible mistake. Don’t do it!” I don’t pretend that everything’s fine. People that know me, know that I hate being a mother. But they also know that I do the best I can and that I am a good mother. I just hate it.
Jacqui, what a heart-wrenching story; thank you for having the courage to share it. I wonder if you would consider taking your daughter to therapy with you; might help both of you connect a little better.
i’m really stressed out!! I feel like i have a zillion pounds on my shoulders. I have 2 children my girl is 4 and my boy is 2 im pregnant w/ my third,which will be a boy im due in may,i’m exhausted. I feel like a robot ,i do the same thing everyday cook,clean,take my little girl to preschool,my life hasen’t been my own in a long time. It is me and my husband ,i work nights,and he works days i’ve been working nights since 2003 i hate it and it’s at a drug store i always ask myself “where is my life going?” We never get any help to just relax, it’s like pulling teeth to get my mother to watch them,and my husbands parents are older, so i don’t like to ask them to much. I love my kids but i need some down time!! my husband doesn’t understand, he gets up ,goes to work comes that’s it!! he’s not running around all day w/ the kids then at 3:30 i get in the shower and get ready for work at 5till 9 then get up and do it all over again im tired!! If i do finally get to go somewhere~i never hear the end of it!! Oh and god forbid i take a little time out and go on the computer,i really feel traped !! Don’t get me wrong i love my kids and i love this baby im going to have. I just need a break to refresh mind and body and noone understands that!! Please help!!
Oh man that is just awful you are one tough cookie for being able to do all that.
Hello Sherry
You are a very precious unique treasure and one of a kind to your children . no one else can do your job in their lives, ever. Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are not deserving of rest an downtime. You have asked for help and since I am not even on the same continent as you are there seems to be not much I can do to help. Lol maybe pay a nanny and send her to you. 🙂 However I have at different times and in different circumstances found things that helped me. I have spent the night thinking through them and realising there are many. I will list them here for you and all the others who visit here and hope amongst the proliferation you will find one or two that you can apply. If I can be of help to you or anyone else you can contact me on ella_._ella@hotmail.com. Please note I am not a professional of any kind. These are ideas that have helped me over the last eight years and are not intended to replace any professional advice you may have been given.
1. Vitamin B the brand Neurobion can only be obtained under prescription on my country but it seems to be the best one.
2. Nootropil one of the smart drugs available, taken over 3 months can revolutionise yr outlook and energy levels.
3. Vitamin C can improve the quality of your sleep. Take it a few hours before bed time.
4. The natural way to raise your serotonin is exercise. A 20 minute walk each day with the stroller or alone will work wonders.
5. http://www.flylady.net is an awesome website which has revolutionised more than one home. To get on top of Mt. Washmore, get rid of clutter, get meals on the table and keep up with the kids schedules, give it a shot.
6. Go to bed with your children. Simple and I am sure many people do it. Weather than is 6.30pm or 8pm just go to sleep as soon as they do, that way if they have a bad night you have gotten the best sleep you can. Forget the house work ;).
7. Keep a list of anyone who offers to help you and what they have to offer.
8. Make a list of any services you see advertised that may help and check prices sometimes you may be pleasantly surprised by the affordability.
9. Form a mom club whereby you and two or 3 other moms exchange kids. Allow one person to have ALL the kids one week and the other three have the entire day off. A couple of hours help but an entire day is amazing. Alternatively combine finances with another mom or two and hire a good qualified child minder who can handle a bunch of kids at once. It reduces the cost for each of you.
10. If you cannot afford a child minder perhaps a cleaner comes cheaper in your area. Hire someone to do your housework once a week, once a month whatever and have a day when you really dont have to do anything except be with your kids. If they are already at school this would give you part of a day off.
11. Take a day off every two weeks or once a month. Plan it in advance, put dinner in a slow cooker or have take outs. Get a local teen, a family member or whatever. Get away from home. Go to a local church, library, sports club, retreat centre, botanic garden or the home or apartment of someone working full time. For me it was imperative to be alone, undisturbed and out of touch. No phone movies, tv or books that would make me “mindless” I found that if I spent this down time in mindless, mind numbing activity I didn’t feel refreshed. Some exercise out in nature, soul nurturing reading and writing my soul out all helped me.
12. Bulk cooking so that there was instant food in the freezer makes a huge difference. I may just as well do two chickens as one or 5kg of ground beef as one etc.
13. Diet! Yuck a four letter word. However I have found that when I cut out all carbs and refined sugars. Eating only proteins, vegetables and fruits (natural carbs and sugars) I steadied my mood, reduced my irritation levels, felt more powerful and in control and of course, lost weight, so felt better about how I looked. My blood sugar levels are better and glucose is down. I have avoided type two diabetes as a result of diet change and exercise all in three months.
14. I found writing helped to get the built up resentment out of me and often gave me insight into my own thinking and dreams. My mind was so cluttered with the chatter that I couldn’t gain insight any other way.
15. Get out! If you are a stay at home mom you get suffocated by your four walls. Join a group of women who meet regularly with their kids. I know it’s a mission to get everyone out of the house but it can give you support and perspective and of course fresh air.
16. Find a neighbourhood teen or let hubby bath your kids for you. Sound strange? Bath time can be so stressful. I used to get my kids in the bath and then climb the ladder onto the roof of my house and watch the sunset. lol. It gave me just enough energy to make it through bedtime.
17. Go to therapy. You don’t need to tell a soul. Most communities have some sort of low cost or even free, volunteer counselling. It can be such a relief to have a regular hour every fortnight to just let it all go. Someone who listens to you and only you. Get support regularly for 6 months and then reevaluate. Just dont stick with someone who makes you feel guilty or judges you. That is their baggage being projected on you.
18. Extreme exercise. At one time I was doing an hours mega effort exercise 6 days a week. It gave my body the chance to release stored toxins and re-establish the correct chemical balance, balance my moods and restore logical thought processes.
19. Get dressed, at one point just getting dressed and doing my hair made so much difference to the rest of my day.
20. This is a sort of psychological trick. Objectify the “bad” in you perhaps even give it a name and separate it from who you are. Then befriend yourself the beautiful essence of your being. Fight the “bad” that you do, don’t fight yourself.
21. Have tea with yourself. Get out your very best china use a milk jug, sugar bowl, silver teaspoon. Lay a tea tray with a napkin, vase and flower and tray cloth. Put on some music or create a silent space, light a candle if its a dull day and have a fabulous nurturing tea with yourself. It doesn’t take long.:)
22. Alleviate kid stress during car rides. Get audio books or music that really catch your children’s imagination. Always take water and a snack with you. Don’t forget the wipes.
23. Choose what you put into your mind with care. Listen to music that lifts your mood don’t get morbid on sad songs. Similarly with books and movies. Music can radically change your mood and energy levels in very short space of time.
24. Try and be you, unique, not mom, not wife, just you. Do things your way, not the way your church, society, mom or anyone else does, tap into your creativity. Obviously if you are able, this would include taking a class, running a business, doing art or music or dancing, growing a vegetable garden, arranging flowers. Whatever, that is uniquely yours. Often you can rediscover these things by thinking back to school days and remembering what you dreams you had then.
25 Can I emphasise again here, get help! You are not unusual in finding parenting overwhelming. Traditional communities can be of great help, church etc or they can make you feel useless, judged, stupid and inadequate. If yours isn’t meeting your needs, Move! Even if you just join the mothers group from a neighbouring community.
its so good for me to know im not alone ! i hate myself for the way ive been with my kids at times i can relate to what jacqui is saying, i too flipped on occasions then stepped back horrified at myself.
At the beginning i was a patient mother but along with the lack of money, and sex with my husband there was nothing i could do to relieve my stress.
I look at my son whom i had terrible post natal depression with and think that they d all be better off with out me here.
I m going to start to go to some local baby groups with i always went when i had my daughter but once l got ill i lost all my confidence and couldnt even cope with getting a night job.
I feel so much guilt at the fact that i could of helped with money problems and being away from these walls would of helped but finding the strength was so difficult and not having any help with my kids other than my husband i felt lost and guilty about going to work……i love my kids with all my heart but god its so hard !
DITTO.. everyday .. DITTO
Hi. I understand what you mean. I have only one who it’s 2,5 yo and most of the time I want to run away from responsabilities and want to be free.
Obviously, I googled the same thing as everyone else. Lately, I just really hate being a mother. I was so happy with my life before she came along, I was never wanting children to make me feel complete. She is so wonderful and can be so sweet and has a great sense of humor, but I just need some time away. My husband and I work opposite schedules, so I don’t have tons of support at night. No friends or family help–they are just as busy or live out of state. It is very lonely and draining and I feel a lot of guilt–even as I write these horrible things, she is poking my arm with a cardboard box on her head saying “yehaw”. I miss the old fun me. I am grumpy and tired and easily irritated and short-tempered. I think my husband is starting to think I’m a terrible mother, too.
On top of this, I am feeling mounting pressure about having another one. My daughter is three and I want more than anything for her to have a sibling (for many reasons), but can’t this child just appear out of nowhere in, say, ten years? The only reason I would ever consider having another is for her. Is that reason enough? Or should I just do what I want, and call it a day?
Anyway, thank you for writing this original post. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I feel awful for not feeling like a ray of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I am miserable most of the time. I sigh a lot. It means everything to know that the “joys” of parenthood are few and far between, especially in this hectic world we all live in. Thanks.
Who wants to shit puppies and rainbows anyway?
(and word to the wise-the second is a HUGE adjustement in many ways-but they occupy each other eventually)
I am a mom and I have a dauther and she is crazy, she is nagging constanly from the minute she was born, she wants my attention all the time. It is making me useless and my life is out of control. She controls me when I forgot about beeing the boss, she makes me to forgot beeing boss. She is so, oh I don’t have words to even say it.
That was for today hopefully tomorrow it is better.
I had a rough day yesterday.
Ditto to everyone!! I just stumbled upon this site and I cannot believe other mothers feel just like I do. I’ve been a stay at home mother for 12 years. I have a 12 year old son, a ten year old daughter who has been extremely difficult since birth. She has learning disabilities, ADHD, etc. I also have a 6 year old daughter. I live in very rural area, my husband works until 7:00 p.m. at night and just doesn’t understand me. He thinks I’m just being bitchy!!! I don’t have many friends around me who I can relate to. My good friends all live far away. My parents never help and I never see them. I feel like I don’t have anyone!! I just feel like I’m going crazy and falling apart. I have totally lost my identity!! I feel like I’m doing my kids more harm than good. All I do is yell 24/7. I finally took on a part time job on the weekends. It does help. But I’m just relieved that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I was seeing a therapist but it really didn’t help me too much. I started taking vitamins and herbal remedies to help my serotonin, but I haven’t seen a difference yet. I really feel like I am at my breaking point. Any advise?
I wish I had some great advice, but I’m in the same boat…. or should I say ‘swimming along beside it, trying to keep my head above water’! Hopefully, just knowing others are treading along with you helps a little. (It does for me, thank you everyone!) It seems this is a good place to ‘vent’, even if we can’t come up with the ‘magic answer’. Some days are certainly better than others and I try to remember that when I’m having a really bad one. (Just came off of one of those days…. Easier said than done.)
I never had those longings to have children myself, but here we are. When we brought our daughter home from the hospital, I knew right away, I was not cut out for motherhood. Wow, I sure didn’t know what I was getting into. She was a difficult one. And we too have no family help nearby. So our motto was “One Is Plenty”, (even though I, like Sandra, thought I’d want to have a sibling for her, but we decided it wasn’t for us) BUT… My husband coudn’t understand what I was saying when I told him we were pregnant again, I was laughing so hard. (I think it was a combination of laughing and sobbing!) We now have a 6 year old and a (almost) 3 year old. And have ‘made sure’ this will be it.
Two is definitely an adjustment…. ditto to Thordora. Sandra, think about that one long and hard. Your two would have their own dynamics, and you don’t know what that will be – good or bad. Just to keep things interesting!
For us, probably the ‘increased chaos level’ in our home is our biggest adjustment. I’m not sure on the math but I think two somehow triples that chaos!! It always feels like there’s someone with “needs to be met”. Luckily, at least our second is a MUCH easier baby and toddler, but he still has all the usual baby/toddler needs. We also heard the advise that 2 occupy each other – someday. We’re still not quite there yet, but I may see a glimmer of it and I’m certainly banking on it! We’re also lucky that ours don’t fight too badly, but we have some friends that have 2 that fight like cats and dogs – no fun at all. Right now, is when I really see what a difference the second one makes to my life. Our oldest started school this year, which would have been a huge milestone, EXCEPT that I still have a toddler at home. He won’t be off to full time school for 3 more years. THEN, I’ll have some time during the day and I think that will make a big difference. Or at least that’s the ‘shred of hope’ I’m holding onto!
I want to keep a sense of humor about it all, but most days it’s lost under the pile of dishes, laundry and toys. And most nights, it’s lost under my pile of work (I have my own business and work at home, so I have a flexible schedule. It’s amazing what can be accomplished after midnight! I haven’t had 8 hours of straight sleep in 6 1/2 years.) So I try to be gentle on myself, and remember, we ‘mother survivors’ are amazing! If you would have described the work, the hours, etc. that we would have to do day in and day out, I would never believe it could be sustained. Be we are living proof. Congratulations to everyone…. we made it through the day.
I can’t stop crying. thank you.
I have a question of the mothers who have posted here or any mothers who feel the same as the respondents on this blog. Do you have these feelings about parenting and yet project to the world an image of parenting bliss? Do you put up a facade of happiness and contentment to the outside world? Do you share with others the “joys of parenting” which I hear so often yet feel completely opposite of what you are saying? I ask because in my decision whether or not to have kids I have been exceedingly perplexed at how unhappy couples look with kids, yet how much they will speak and extol the many wonderful blessings of parenthood. Of the couples who do seem to look happy with their kids: I wonder again: is this just a false image that they are working hard to portray? How much acting and pretending “everything is so wonderful” actually goes on?
I was wondering this too…if so many Mom’s feel this way…why do they all pretend it is so awesome? My Mommy friends are constantly telling me that they are simply besotted with motherhood (and maybe they are) But the baggy eyes and wandering eyes of the husbands tell me maybe this is not the whole truth.
And WHY oh WHY does EVERY SINGLE PERSON I meet seem to feel the need to convince me to have a baby? Like some sort of religious zealot? Eyes glaze over, lips quiver…and “Oh YOU MUST HAVE A BABY!!” just keep coming out of peoples mouths…
Could you imagine if I started coming up to people and saying the opposite?…”Really, you shouldn’t have that baby. In fact, you should get sterilized right now.” I mean…I would never dream of it! How rude! And yet, everyone seems to think they can chime in on such a personal decision. I have started saying…”Are you asking about my sex life? Because…WOW. THAT would be AWKWARD.”
I there might be a little misery loves company going on there…
To answer one of your questions, I don’t tell any woman she “must” have a baby, especially if she is undecided about it. If she were to ask me directly if she should have a baby, I would tell her, “if you have ANY doubts, DON’T do it.”
Jen-parenting is a mix of bliss and terror and heartache and excitement and wonder….we shall the moments that rock because they really do. No one usually wants to hear the bad stuff, the bad days when it’s all you can do to NOT throttle your children.
Some are happy. 95% of the time, we’re happy. Tired, and worn, but happy. But see us on a bad day, and it looks like hell.
Think of it like a job-you don’t love even your dream job 100% all of the time. Same goes for parenting.
Thordora
95% happiness is excellent. I thought it would be more 50/50.
How does having children affect marriage? My husband is my absolute world and I am his. I just see marriages go on “hold” for the sake of functioning and catering to the kids needs. It doesn’t look good to me at all.
Also,
Has any one out there had kids even though they never wanted them? Did you fall head over heels in love with your kid even though you said you never wanted children? I don’t have any desire to have them, I mean no desire at all…but I wonder if I am making a big mistake in terms of the “meaning of life.”
I was ambivalent at best about kids. We waited ten years. Even then, it was let’s just stop using birth control, not let’s try to have a baby. I didn’t want to refuse what God might want to give me.
I don’t regret having had a child — it is an adventure, a challenge, full of sweetness. The negative stuff is not so much wishing she was never born, as much as the frustration that comes with wanting to do a difficult job well, and that comes with the Otherness of a baby — she’s not a doll to manipulate as I wish, she’s her own person.
I don’t think I could put a percentage on how much happiness vs. no fun.
As for marriage, a child does necessarily take some attention. However, I believe research has shown that kids do best when parents’ relationship comes first and is solid and secure. If you’re aware of that commitment and work at it, having a child won’t automatically destroy it.
If you have no desire at all, think hard before going for it. But if you’re merely ambivalent, it might turn out wonderful.
Jen, I also had “no desire at all” to have children, but wondered if we were “missing something”. I have done many very difficult things in my life, but raising kids definitely tops them all… 24/7 no holidays or sick days. MUCH harder than I bargained for. My husband and I also felt like ‘we were each others world’. I guess we still are, but its certainly from a different perspective these days. The kids take most of our time and attention, so sometimes I just want my ‘boyfriend’ back. Without any help with the kids, we don’t get any time ‘off’, just the two of us together. That would sure be nice. I wish I could say it’s 95% joyful, for me it’s not. But today we celebrated my sons 3rd birthday (our youngest) – he has a great smile and says the funniest things, and I’m his world. He’s taught me a lot.
Hi Jen I didn’t want, then I did because of social pressure. If I had to do it over I wouldn’t have children. I am not cut out to be a mother. You could foster I guess, it’s not the same but it would give you some idea of weather you want the job full time.
Jenn-I hate kids. never wanted one, not ever. We had two “oops” (don’t ask)
But, we figured that since we weren’t careful, on some level, we did want them.
At the time, we loved eachother, but we were drifting-for us, having a child made us actually be adults, and find each other again. The love I have for my husband is so much richer now, because he’s not just my husband-he’s the father of my daughters, and always will be.
And my girls….I love to be away from them, and likely function more as a stereotypical “man” in terms of parenting, but I love them in ways I could have never imagined. I watched “The New World” last night and at the end she watches her son and says “Mother-now I know where you live.”
I get it now-so many things I never got before.
We’ve been through some struggles-read the archives for that-but nothing easy is ever as worthwhile, at least not to me. We’re better people for all of our problems. Our marriage has changed, but at the end of the day, we’re still just two geeks who love to watch movies and argue about ‘art’.
It’s a hard decision. I’m glad we fucked up and didn’t have to make it. 🙂
I love my boys. They are 15 and 9. They are both stunningly beautiful, healthy and extremely intelligent. I can’t bear to be without them. I was a wonderful “baby, toddler, elementary school” mom. I loved them so much when they were little. I would give a finger to get them back again. I never minded changing diapers or the “pick me up” stuff. It is the now that has gotten so horribly unbearable. Especially with my 15 year old. In the past 3 years he is so angry and violent. I have taken him to Dr after Dr ect ect. I have never given up on him. The pain, heartache and mental anguish that he causes is almost so unbearable that I feel at times I am going to have a nervous breakdown just trying to keep everything together. He has the whole world going for him. He is very smart, very funny, and gorgeous. He just is so full of anger. He has no passion for anything. My 9 year old who has always been my source of smiles and love is now slowly becoming like his brother. He loved school. Absolutely loved it. A little sponge. And now he is frustrated and pissy because it just takes up too much time. Which he also hears his brother say. My husband and I are still very much in love after all these years and we are so at a loss of what to do. My husband is gone a lot overseas but never neglects his boys. He calls and stays very involved every day. I just don’t know what to do anymore. They say children are blessings. I do believe this. However, they cause you the greatest heartache of your life. There are more years of anguish than of joy. I would never leave them, but the pain they cause makes me feel everyday that my heart is not going to last their lifetime.
Someone told me a great tidbit about having a child.
She said…”It’s like that first most all encompassing awful crush you had on your first boyfriend.”
What she meant was, you love your kid with what feels like an all consuming passion, and yet they can be so casually brutal, and think nothing of breaking your heart.
I have a 9 month old and I never wanted children. But I am one who loves a challenge. So I challenged myself. How selfish is that?
My husband and I travelled, walked our dog, I have a beautiful horse that I still try and ride every other day….but it’s gone. I feel some days are a reminder of my old self stressing how much I was not meant for motherhood.
I resent my husband’s daily freedom. His ability to dine with colleagues and then call me and ask if it’s ok to head out to the hockey game with his friends. How do I say no? He needs his freedom too. But when he looks after my son in the evening it is my 3 hours of me time. So if he wants to take that away from me I get so angry. I never thought I would feel like the angry ungrateful wife. But here I am….and no one would ever understand. They look at the outside of my life and can’t imagine how I could eve be unhappy. But I am. I feel dragged out and tired and angry at everyone who thinks that I am happy.
I am my mother. I can’t stand my mother. She hated being one, and I bore the brunt of her physical abuse and anger. And now I am here and I try with all my might to be a different person than her. I will never belittle or hit my son…but my husband might leave me because he sees my unhappiness everyday.
They don’t get it….husbands don’t get it. They are away all day and they come home so happy to see the child that has whined and cried all day. And dad walks through the door and they giggle and coo and make me look like a fat liar.
But then there are the days when my son looks at me with wonder and I feel a bit better…but it’s not like the movie that I want my life to be.
I googled “I don’t love being a mother”.
And before I even had him…I knew this would be the case.
I looked for something like this once before. I think I used the word ‘hate’ though. I found nothing. I felt like a psycho. No one else in the whole internet world hated being a mother? Well “can’t handle” is certainly better than nothing.
I was sitting here at the computer just staring and exhausted and drained and thinking, I just don’t like being a mother. My son is nearly six and drives me to the brink of madness every single day of my life and has since he was born. I cannot remember the last day of my life that passed without me issuing threats or resorting to an angry mum voice. I hate that woman that I have become. She’s bonkers and angry and tired and bored and stressed and empty.
In a nutshell, the first three years were about him not SLEEPING and the last three years have been about him not LISTENING! I am so exhausted by motherhood, is it a dead weight around my soul.
I do not seem to have the physical or mental reserves to manage. I cannot stand the do-gooder emails about how precious our kids are and how grateful we should be. For what? Making the greatest mistake of my life. I sure didn’t do it twice. I stare blankly at anyone that talks adoringly about their kids. I can’t believe their human. I can’t believe it’s true.
Motherhood is hideous. I cannot believe that I have had six relentless years in this job. A job that I can’t ever leave and that is mind blowingly tedious. I had no idea it would be this bad. Babysitting has nothing to do with being a mother. I truly wish that I could say, oh but it’s all worth it when they, you know, smile or give you a hug, but you know what? It’s not. It’s just not. It’s just guilt induced garbage to bang on about what precious little angels they are.
It’s boring and frustrating and stressful and you become this psycho fascist trying to cope with defiant nut bag behaviour. To stay at home is so mindless and dull, but to take him out in public or away with other children turns into such a huge and relentless monitoring job that I just end up feeling anger and despair.
I cannot stand going to playgrounds (but I take him)and other parents yapping about their kids, or taking him to swimming lessons or having to help set up or even worse play some of his games with him, it’s just so so boring. How do other mothers do it? It makes me want to get my brain scraped out and reprogrammed. Every time I do some kind of kid activity I feel like another couple of thousand brain cells have died. I have no idea what I was actually thinking when I got up the duff.
You must be positive and calm and consistent and lead by example. Well when you have been so worn down by years of obnoxious behaviour there comes a time when you don’t have a reservoir of patience or tolerance. You just resent having to keep on keeping on, dealing with the same thing day after day after day. I love my boy deeply- I just wish to god I liked him a little bit more. I am too exhausted to enjoy him. He’s work not pleasure.
I am so unbelievably SICK of six years of endless talk. Talking to him or at him or with him day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, day after day after day! I just want to shutup.
People spoke the greatest load of platitudinous crap to me about having kids, both before and during my pregnancy. Not a single thing any of them said to me about parenthood has been my experience.
Beware any of you trying to decide whether or not to have a child, if it isn’t something you are absolutely desperate to do, DON’T. It’s simply the pits if you go into it half- hearted or just because you can.
The immediate loss of spontaneity in one’s life crippled me with grief. It is absolutely devastating, in a way that few women express, to have your personal freedom completely and permanently obliterated once you have given birth. You cannot ever know what this loss is like till you have a child. Clearly, I’ve never recovered.
I’m sorry for my little boy that I don’t like being a mother and that I am a tired cranky cow a lot of the time. He’s innocent. He didn’t ask to be here. He’s just who he is. I know that. I just hope it get’s better for him and for me.
I realize I have wondered onto a very old thread here, but in the off chance you read this I wonder here now 2 years down the road if you feel the same? I have 3 kids under five, yeah that’s right I am an idiot! I love them more than the air I breathe but I wish to God they would quit stealing all my air (aka space) I can’t think, shower, crap, clean, get dressed, shop, or ANYTHING without some little person pestering me for this or that whining, fighting, complaining, talking non stop, making a horrible mess ALL over my house, and causing a general unstable force that is driving me crazy. Some days are better than others, other days, like today, I do not even want to get out of bed, just the mundane repetitivness of it all is enough to make me crazy. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in the last 7 months due to nursing which doesn’t help anything. Oh and I am single just to make it all better, their dad is a man whore and I am tired of putting up with his side projects and of being pregnant, I would rather do this alone. Yet it would be nice to have some sort of freedom, I miss working, having friends, being me, NOT talking for a change. I feel many of the things you do or did, and I am ashamed to even admit I feel these things. My mother was a POS and I refuse to be her so I paint on a happy face for the outside world and for my kids but inside my soul is drowning in regret, guilt, shame, and I am down right suffocaiting in the responsibility and overwhelming repetition of it all. Does it get any better? Or do I just continue to lose myself? Or am I missing some transitional piece where I let go of what I think of as myself and I succomb into being “just another mother”?
oh Betty. I’ve been there. I think I was there all weekend as well.
I probably don’t have the right advice for a SAHM-I have my own challenges, but I know I would go BATSHIT athome all day with my girls. Nothing lost in admitting that.
You sound so sad though, and I tell you, with my first, going to see a therapist, just to talk, just to talk to an adult and hear my own voice-it was very soothing. You can’t be everything for that little dude.
Not all moms only talk about the small and smellies, but it’s so hard to find. Online is good-many women who frequent this site are a good place to start. Start your own little corner of the web.
You deserve it Betty. You really do.
Thanks for your kind words Thordora. As you can imagine I read back over my whining spew above and feel that insidious inescapable guilt. The voice comes … I love him. I love him. I love him … it’s not his fault. How can I say those things, how can I think those things. He’s a good boy, a beautiful boy, it’s his behaviour. It’s MY behaviour. I need to help him . I’m the adult. It’s wrong of me to lose it. I mustn’t yell at him . Im teaching him it’s okay to lose it and be out of control. I must try to be a better mother, a more loving patient mother, until the next out burst and then we start all over again. And on and on we go.
What is a SAHM?
My boy went back to school yesterday after Easter break. His loving hands-on dad is away working for a few weeks and I think flying solo during the holidays has done my head in.
I am looking for work, which of course presents a whole lot of new challenges, but I know, no, I hope that I will be a better mother for it and hope my son will be around a less explosive, more patient mother. I have lost a lot of confidence over the past few years and it’s not easy to try to get back into the work force after such a break, but I think it will be part of my salvation if I can just find the strength and motivation to do it.
I hate myself everyday for losing my temper with him. I don’t hit him, thank god, but I do yell at him and I do sometimes grab him ( even this makes me sooooo guilty) I know that I have to stop it. I will be so patient for so long and then completely lose my flipping mind over something as trivial as him hurling a sopping wash cloth out of the bath onto the floor ( no excuses for my lack of control – but I must add that it will always be something that I have asked him on many occasions not to do) Something will just snap in this frazzled head of mine.
As horrible a mother as I sound in my emails, I do try my best to create a warm , loving , safe and believe it or not, even happy environment for my child. But I just feel on the brink all the time. I just want him to listen and do what I ask (I know that’s quite ridiculous) and I simply get worn down from trying and explaining over and over and over again. And more to the point I feel as though I am failing him and myself. I look around and a lot of other mothers seem ‘normal’ ?? ( stupid comment I know, what’s normal etc but you know what I mean, they do seem ‘normal’ ,well they seem to be on top of it, not sinking) and doing it all as if it’s ‘natural’ and easy and . I do just feel so sad that I find it all so hard. But then sometimes their children seem, well to be frank, they seem less hyper and silly than my little boy often behaves. A lot of the time the kids actually do seem to do what their parents ask. With my son and I, it always has to escalate to a major drama. It’s the pattern. No wonder I’m exhausted and I’m sure he is to. Who wants to go off to school after being yelled at by your mum. So horrible.
I have read through nearly all of the posts above and I have loved reading them and learning that I am not the only mother out there who struggles to get any sort of balance in this role.
Thank you for all your stories.
I do have girl friends and sisters with kids but if ever I try to voice any thing like this, even slightly , I just get beaten back down with comments like, ‘try having two’ or ‘try working and having one’ or ‘he’s not that difficult ,you should see what I have to put up with.’ So I just shut up and put on a brave face while all the while I’m slowly coming apart at the seams. My sister has exited from the last two play times we have arranged as she can’t abide what she obviously considers my son’s disruptive behaviour. So I suppose I won’t be organizing any more of play times with those cousins.
Oh and you know before I had a child, when I was all breezy and single and doing whatever the hell I wanted ( well sort of , nothing like a bit of exagerration to make a point)) I did often used to see school mothers ( me now) sitting at the traffic lights and I’d think that so many of them looked tired and drawn and sad. Well funny about that – that was how they looked anyway.
Duhhhhhhhh! Stay at home mum. Okay. Never deliberately, just the way things panned out.
i thimk your page has helped me in ways you could not imagine. i,m a married mother of two daughters and love my children and my husband very much but sometimes just want to run away from it all. so reading your page made me realise i,m not the only one out there and in time i hope i can get a grip of my moods and treat my children the way they deserve to be treated. like children! thanx again you,ll never know how much you have helped me.
You’re welcome.
We shouldn’t feel alone when we all feel like this sometimes.
Jenn,
Don’t do it, for the love of God, don’t! 🙂 This is only my opinion. But since I was about 12 years old I always said I didn’t want to have children, and I never did. I got married when I was 29 to a wonderful man who understood that I didn’t want children, even though he really wanted a son to carry on his father’s name (he is a “Jr.” and wanted a III) He married me understanding that was probably never going to happen. I am so in love with my husband, he is a great man with old school values, ethics and principles, but present day tolerance, acceptance, and faith. This world needs more people like him. And that’s how it got me….my husband needed a son, he deserved a son, the world needs the kind of man my husband would create. So 2 years later at the age of 31, I gave birth to perfect baby boy. I chose to do this, for all the right reasons, in all the right ways. We’d bought a house, had good jobs and a wonderful relationship. My son is 11 1/2 months old now. This is by far the WORST mistake I’ve ever made. What kills me the most is I always always knew I would make a horrible mother. My mom is great, and I figured out very early on in life that I was far too selfish to make the sacrifices she made in life. Why the hell I talked myself out of over 15 years of clear headedness I can not say. My boy is absolutely wonderful. He is probably a lot different than the others’ kids on this website. He’s pretty easy going, has a good time, entertains himself when need be. Birth was a breeze even with no drugs…seriously things probably couldn’t go any better (he’s sick alot, but allergies in west texas do crazy things, and it’s certainly nothing serious like so many people have to deal with) I have a great EASY job that is full time, flexible, with benefits and understanding co-workers. I should have NO complaints…afterall I’m living the dream, right? Right…the only problem is it was never MY dream. I knew my whole life I was not cut out for this dream. Now…I’ve proved it, and I don’t think anything will ever bring me out of this G-U-I-L-T. I knew better! I freakin knew better and I CHOSE to do it anyway. I never thought I was capable of such feelings of inadequacy. Holy cow do I feel inadequate. Across the board… I can’t think of a single thing I do well. Others assure me that’s not the case, but I honestly beleive it is out of respect of the skinny fun loving person I used to be. I will never regret giving my husband a son, but I think I will probably always regret creating and subjecting another sweet living being to the dissapointment of being my child. If your gut says no….listen. I wish I had, I really do, and I’ve got it pretty good. Damn.
By the way, I’m really in need of a great online support group, chat room or something along those lines for mothers. Any suggestions? This place is wonderful, but I mean for the day to day stuff, advice, etc.
I too feel like I can’t cope at all anymore. I have a 15 month old, a 5 and 6 year old a dumb dog and a husband. I hate the way I’ve become, I am always yelling at them, and I hate the way I feel. My house is totally upside down, and I feel like I just don’t care anymore. I don’t have the energy to clean all the time, and my kids don’t listen, and life is just not the way I imagined it to be. IT SUCKS!
Hi Ladies I haven’t been here in a while now, I have been going through some prety hard times lately. In october i found out that i was pregnant with my third baby!!! It was NOT planned and needless to say i was not happy at all!! Abortion was not an option either. I hadve just turned 40 and the thought of starting all over with another baby realy freaks me out actually i hate the thought of it i found myself very angry all the time there were even times where i wished i would just miscarrie then it would be ok but that never happened and now i am almost 8 months and i am soo scared of what is going to happen once the baby is born. I already have 2 girls 5 and 3 and this one is a boy which i have to admit i was upset about i never wanted to have boys so when i was told that it was a boy i became even more depressed. My husband is ecstatic about having a third but i am just miseable. Has anyone out there had a siimilar experience? If so i would to know how you dealt with it and did your opinion change once you saw your baby? I am so depressed all the time that i feel sick to my stomach and i am not sleeping well at all i really could use some advice. everybody keeps telling me that all this will cahnge once the baby is born that i will just be soo happy and wonder how i could of ever not wanted him. But im afraid that once hes born i will be even more depressed and that i will just be miserable and hate my life and that it will eventually effect my pretty perfect marriage i just cant feel good about it not to mention thta i am not looking forward to the c section again so please anyone please help with some advice and encouragment i really could use some thanks for listening.
Hello, I found your thread by doing a google search. I was wondering what was wrong with me that I don’t like my children anymore. Have a ds 8/03, a dd 8/04 and a dd 8/07. I gave up my career to stay at home with my children about 9 months ago. My dh has MS, which to our families means his job was more important. It also doesn’t help me with the children or my house, because he always comes home tired. My ds is in preschool, but my dds don’t get out of the house much – which isn’t a lot for my 9 month old, but it is for my 3 year old. I can’t stand to be around my children anymore. My 3 yo especially. She’s a drama queen, talks back and doesn’t listen to a word I say. My son is well behaved, other than occasionally instigating fights, but it’s rare and he listens when you say, “stop.” My 9 mo is extremely clingy. I tried going out to dinner with my dh the other night for the first time in 3 months and all she did was cry. Now her grandparents don’t want to watch her anymore. I don’t have any friends – let alone a social life, all of my family is in another state, I don’t have energy or motivation to do anything anymore. I used to love cooking, but now it’s just one more thing to wrestle with. Dirty dishes and lack of counter space. The one thing I ask of my dh is to do the dishes after dinner. It’s been over two weeks now. Making meals is now turned into the only thing that pulls me away from hiding by the computer because of the guilt I would feel about my children not being fed. Otherwise I sit here, trying to escape. I find myself constantly yelling at my children because the moment I wake up in the morning (haven’t slept through the night in over a year – nursing dd) I’m already at my wits end again. I can’t imagine what this is doing to my children. Every day … multiple times, I stop and try to make a mental note to stay positive, calm and ‘happy.’ But 5 min later I’ve lost it again. I’m still crying uncontrollably because the ideas here people have about going out with other mothers, joining groups, getting therapy or putting time aside to do things that remind me of “me” seem so simple yet so incredibly unimaginable. Who will watch my kids? And what help is it going to do me by bringing them all with?? I ask for help to get away, but I always get the response that no one wants to watch all three kids… that it’s impossible to do for a couple hours and they can’t believe I would expect them to be able to, “oh, I know you do it every day, but …” It’s like, my choice, my punishment. Even though they’re family, they shouldn’t be expected to help. I also struggle with horrible anxiety, which doesn’t help with my temper. It’s like a rush of adrenaline that makes me cringe like fingernails on a chalk board at the third repeat of “Mom!” or a crying baby. I can’t take anything because I’m nursing and don’t have insurance anyway. I’m still crying… please someone. I love my children, deep down inside I know I do and I would give my life for their health and happiness. I just don’t know what to do to keep the mom around that they need.
Forgot to mention, my dh resents me for feeling this way too.
Update: Thank you for listening and for having all of the threads on here. I haven’t cried that like in a long time and I think my dh finally understands more. Thank you!
Kristin,
You just got to hang in there, tootse. They won’t be babies forever. If you are feeling super bad, definitely get in touch with councelors, a support group or whatever you have to do to take the edge off. Drinking in the afternoon helps a lot too.
Just kidding.
Hi ladies,Well it’s only 2 weeks until i have my third child of which was not planned at all but life works in mysterious ways sometimes. I am feeling very overwhelmed and honestly terrified. I feel like im living someone elses life and not mine!! It’s a very starnge feeling,i never wanted more then 2 kids and most certainly did not want any boys!! Unfortunately that is what happening now, i will admit in the beginning i was very depressed about havig a boy but im sort of ok with it now… well i kinda have to be hes coming whether i want him to or not. i just dont know if i am going to be able to handle a third,as it is now i am going crazy with the two i have now. omedays i just want to quit,but i cant quit being a mom but i sure wish i could get a vacation. i am loosing alot of sleep over this, does anybody out there have 3 kids? Could you maybe tell what its going to be like. i love my kids to death and would do anything for them but sometimes i really wish i could escape im sure i am not the only mom who feels this way…right? anyways please inlighten me let me know that i will get through this and all will be ok. thanks
Wow, it’s a little scary that so many of us (myself included) found this by Googling. Oddly enough, I found it a couple of weeks ago when I was pregnant and terrified I’d made a huge mistake. Now, things have changed: I had a miscarriage yesterday. I’m horribly sad and disappointed, but I must admit, I feel like I dodged a bullet, too. I’m 40 and I’m really not sure I want to go down this risky road again. Especially if I’m nervous that I’m not cut out to be a mom. Any thoughts?
Hey girls, i lost soo much sleep last night because i was sooo freaked out about the third baby, i already feel soo overwhelmed with the two that i have. It seems like i am always yelling at them,it starts first thing in the morning,they are always arguing about something or fighting over some silly toy or they are tataling on eachother some mornings i just want to die cause i am soooooo tired of repeating the same crap everyday. I know they are still kids but still i get oo frustrated and when i have those days i get soo scared cause i think oh my god and now i am going to have a third to contend with how the hell am i going to do it?!!! i know nobody said parenting would be easy but i had no idea just how hard it would be, i wonder if we were given a manual about what parenthood was really like how many of us would still do it? I just hope that i can handle all the extra responsibility once the baby is here which will be in exactly 2 weeks now. Any thoughts or advice i would really appreciate it especially from anyone that has 3 or more kids. thanks
sooz.. if you’re not sure you’re cut out to be a mum-DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT. especially if you’ve got to forty-by the time your child gets off your back, you’ll be 65.. i’m only 23 and like others said i feel i’ve lost myself, i feel like a bad tempered, haggered old woman.. and i’m about to give my child to my mum for a while, as i’m making everyone miserable, they’re all worrying about me and my son… if only i’d listened to myself when i thought i wasn’t cut out to be a mum.. i was just too young, and thought of abortion as murder… now i see it isn’t that, it isn’t about our beliefs, or saving ourselves, its about saving children from coming into this world and being unwanted and resented… if only someone told us this, its not about us…
Thanks to you all for your feelings …I thought I was feeling sorry for myself but after reading these post I know I’m not alone anymore.
Thanks for the cheering up after reading these post I now know I’m not alone in the way I’, feeling.
Thanks everyone for your posts. I feel so much better after reading them and know now that I’m not alone out there in my thinking . There are times I want to walk out the door and never come, but I know I couldn’t do that. My husband always feels like I have the easiest job in the world by staying home and looking after our kids. It’s like any other job you get tiereed of the same thing day after day and be a stay at home home no one really notices what you do all day ! There’s more stress dealing with kids than going to work full time. I just wish at 5 oclock I could leave my job and go home but it doesn’t work that way . I enjoy being with my kids .
Thanks everyone for your posts. I feel so much better after reading them and know now that I’m not alone out there in my thinking . There are times I want to walk out the door and never come back, but I know I couldn’t do that. My husband always says I have the easiest job in the world by staying home and looking after our kids. It’s like any other job you get bored of the same thing day after day . No one really knows what we mother go through day after day. There’s more stress dealing with kids than going to work full time. I just wish at 5 oclock I could leave my job and go home but it doesn’t work that way . I enjoy being with my kids ,but just wish I had a little grown up time with other Mothers or even my husband.
I too feel much better. Ihave felt like i’ve been slowly falling out of love with my 18 mth old, which is hard to see written down. I think ultimately what appears to be a common factor amongst a lot of us is that we not only do we feel like walking away, we compound this by feeling guilty that we want to walk away. Instead, everyone needs to give themselves a break and a pat on the back and have a little more confidence. Don’t allow yourself to be affected by what your husband does or doesn’t do, or what your toddler does or doesn’t do. know your values, stick to them, love your children but more importantly LOVE YOURSELF and they will too
Am I surprised…or Am I SURPRISED!!!!
There are actually so many people who feel the same.
I just got up from a bad bout of Viral….DH was kind enough to take a day off so that I wouldnt have to worry abt my 19 mo old daughter….but wtf yaar….the responsibility still lies with us…her meds…her food…her pooping…….I mean I felt like jumping out of the window 😦 Running a fever of 104…I still had to worry if she had her meds…& food…and has pooped or not (her constipation is one of the major woes in my life). I spent my b’day in the hospital with her undergoing some treatment for her constipation related probs…and yes I was alone. Call me a coward but its terrible to see her go thru an enema…and injections and XYZee
Its not that we dont love our babies its that 24X7X365 responsibility which is overwhelming………and then when you crib….your family looks at you as if you are being an inhuman mom…they will point at your baby and say…look at her…such a sweet kid….do u think u could possible live without her? Damn man….dont they understand its not her which sucks….its the situation….the every day situation. Its so easy for DH to say….u know I feel u r giving in to her too much…I feel u shud at times let her Cry It Out………bugger how much crying can u take in 24 hrs…and to top that I am a Work from home mom……….to anyone who wants to try this option…lemme tell you, you’ll screw your life big time. You’ll end up messing & failing at home & at work….I had always been regarded as a top performer at work….now I am always at the end of the ladder :(. I dunno if I am a bad mom….but it hurts.
I mean I would do anything…call me selfish if you want….to spend an entire day by myself…alone. Not having to worry abt food…work…laundry…baby…..DH….inlaws…whew!!!Amen….I sincerely wish…
I am so glad to know that I’m not alone. Things are really bad right now and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Thank you for this…
I feel alone at times …what can I do so I don’t feel alone ??
I don’t even like myself anymore . All I want to do is cry ,sleep or eat my loniless away… how much fun am I to my kids? I’m cring as I write this out. I just need a hug and someone to tell me things will get better .
I don’t see any light at the end of this journey.
Hey stressedmom,where is your husband? does he know how your feeling? I can relate to how you feel in october of 2007 i found out that i was pregnant with my third child,and i was not happy about it i was so miserable i wanted to die! I went through so many emotional ups and downs i cant even expalin to you what it was like for me for nine months i cried and suffered thank god for my husband and my kids if it werent for the support of my husband and the love from my kids i might not be here right now. While i was pregnant my dr put me on several anti depressents none of which worked i had major anxiety and i couldnty sleep at night!! Irt was litterally like living in hell but there is light at the end of the tunnel i promise maybe you should try and talk to a dr about how your feeling especially if your husband is not there for you! I was soo freaked out about having athird baby i made life for every one around me a living hell. But the day my son was born everything just went away all my fears all my axieites everything i was so in love with my new baby i couldnt beleive what i had put myself through and everyone else for the last nine months.I feel soo much better now though i do have to admit i feel lonely at times too cause most of my friends that have kids are working moms and im a stay at home mom so it can get lonely, do you have any mom friends that you could hang out with ? Hey maybe if you live in montreal which is where i live we could get together anyways hang in there it will always get better i speak from a ton of exsperience!
Thanks for the advice Kristin . It seems like no matter what I do say it’s never really matters to my husband. If I telll him anything about my day it’s just not that imporant because I’m a stay at home Mom .All my freinds are working moms , no one on our block stays home either,so I’m alone all day with my kids which I love but at the end of a day I’d like to have someome ask me how my day was. and really listen to what I have to say.
My husband and I do nothing together anymore whick dosen’t help the way I feel about myself. He just dosen’t want to do anything with me but, if his buddies call then he’s ready to go with them. I’ve told him this but all he ever says is that I’m being a BITCH about it.
I think I just need get away and think about whats happening to me. I can’t even remeber when i’ve a a day to myself and do what I’d like .
Thanks again .
wow stressed mom i have to say that your husband sounds like a jerk sorry but thats is the way it seems. I feel for you cause without the support of your husband who do you really have to lean on? Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever!!! its obvious that your husband thinks that its a walk in the park when that couldnt be further from the truth. THANK GOD my husband totally knows how hard it is and thanks me everyday for all that i do and he is always ready to take over if i need a break he works out of the house ,plus on saterdays i always make plans to do things with friends or family or just by myself so i get a break. Maybe you could get your husband to give you a day on the weekened where you could go out and relax do something for yourself. I really feel for you but if you ever want someone to talk to i am here everyday just checking things out btw do you live in montreal? Anyways hang in there things always have a way of working themselves out. Btw how old r u?
also if he thinks its soo easy maybe he should take your place for a few days im sure that would change his mind in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!
i doubt hed last a day!
I HAVE to ask you all: Did you have bad relationships with your moms? I have 3 little boys, who I love, but I never want to play with them, I make their dad do everything with them. I have the “I had them now you play with them” mentality….my mother (she passed away 2 years ago) and I had a horrible relationship, and none of it was my fault, and I can say that without vain, because it is a fact. I was the youngest of seven kids. She had me when she was 43, back in 1973. My mother was emotionally unstable at times, but she always made ME feel like a loser. She was fat, but she picked on me for being overweight. I developed anorexia in highschool, lost tons of weight, and then she criticized me for being too thin! My older brother sexually abused me when I was 6. I told my mother about it when I was 17 (by the way, I am 34 years old now), and she waved it off like no big deal. She had also physically abused me when i was little until I got too big to hit (I am 5’9″), then it became mental. Right up until she died I spent so much effort trying to buy her love, trying to get her to ‘like’ me…nothing worked. Anyway, now I think I am a HORRIBLE mom. I scream and yell and go beserk. I know I have depression, I know I should get on anti-depressants. Also, I have NO friends and I am an incredibly lonely stay-at-home mom. I bet a lot of you ladies have depression due to childhood pain from abuse/bad mothering towards you as kids. Any response would be quite helpful to me right now, thanks.
Thank you, Thordora, for this page. Judging from the way you respond to our comments and comfort us, I think you MUST be a terrific mother, whether you realize it or not. 🙂
Betty (who posted in April 2008): I hope you’re still reading this page, because I want to thank you for your awesome post. Your words rang so true that I actually copied and pasted your entire post to my email. Here are the quotes from your post that I resonate most with:
“I cannot stand the do-gooder emails about how precious our kids are and how grateful we should be. For what?” (Amen, sister! Nothing to be grateful for.)
“I truly wish that I could say, oh but it’s all worth it when they, you know, smile or give you a hug, but you know what? It’s not. It’s just not. It’s just guilt induced garbage to bang on about what precious little angels they are.” (Oh my god, you have no idea how spot-on you are about that. The smiles and hugs just don’t cut it for me, either.)
“Every time I do some kind of kid activity I feel like another couple of thousand brain cells have died.” (Giggle! I too hate those weekends filled with mind-numbing kid activities.)
“The immediate loss of spontaneity in one’s life crippled me with grief. It is absolutely devastating, in a way that few women express, to have your personal freedom completely and permanently obliterated once you have given birth.” (This was my greatest grief upon having my first child, too.)
You women out there are wonderful, and I’m so glad we all have this chance to share our thoughts.
I find this all so curious. How many of you have commented, “I thought I was the only one who hated motherhood” (paraphrased)? Doesn’t EVERYONE in their right mind hate it, at least some of the time?
Motherhood sucks. Sure, there are some rewards, but most of the time you end up sacrificing everything that matters to you:
Your health
Your time
Your money
Your emotional stability
Your relationship with your partner
Your freedom
Your job performance and promotion
Your enjoyment of adult activities
I feel that parenthood in America is a big conspiracy, maybe led by the government. A country obviously wants more kids in order to ensure continual economic well-being. So how do you get people to reproduce, even if they’re not striving for parenthood? By LIES, LIES, LIES about how wonderful it is. And shutting up the voices that say, “The truth is, it actually sucks.”
Parenthood here is like a cult religion. There is a shroud of secrecy about things you’re not allowed to say, such as how awful it can be some of the time (most of the time). You have to brainwash people into believing that something is wonderful when in fact it’s not.
I hope – and I think – this is changing, at least in some parts of the world like Europe. I don’t know much about how parenthood is viewed in Canada, or other parts of the world.
Helen,
You are absolutely correct. I am childfree and from reading all these posts, it is clear: being a parent sucks balls.
But it HAS to look appealing to ensure that jobs stay (baby products drive the country etc). The ONLY sex that can be brainwashed to do this are women. Men would NEVER be willing to go through the pain of having a child, mostly.
To User: You’re absolutely correct, being a parent really “sucks balls,” especially in the first five to six years. That is why I purposely stopped at just ONE child, and I have never regretted that decision.
DS is a young adult now, and the hell years of newborn care, infancy and toddlerhood are distant memories. Some of them are good, but many days were hell on earth. For those of you having difficulties with one child now, DON’T have more kids just to please a spouse or in-laws. I refused to do that, even though it meant ending the marriage over it. Being a single parent of one child is a lot easier than being a single parent of multi-kids.
I am in the uncomfortable position of knowing FOR SURE I don’t want a baby, but DH is wobbling about it a little, thinks maybe as he puts it “I would probably be into it, if you weren’t SO AGAINST IT.”
Also, he had an idyllic childhood in the UK, and dotes on his parents. I had a living hell of a childhood, and can’t stand my parents. So he sort of doesn’t get it. He looks back at childhood with nostalgia and fondness, I look back with abject horror.I don’t want to relive it.
So I have been doing a lot of net surfing to help me paste together a sensible conversation with him about why we shouldn’t get pregnant. I agree with you, the overwhelming image is so lovely, so rosy and chubby cheeked and wholesome…but scratch the surface (like I am with these Google searches) and there are MILLIONS of blogs and sites about parenthood making you unhappy. And the studies…Oh my god! Have any of you read the research they have been doing recently (and not so recently)about how having children quantifiably, unequivocally makes you a much more unhappy person. I was shocked!
Here I thought I was crazy and damaged…but turns out, I was onto something. There is a study that is out there where 70% of parents said, I quote, “I love my kids, but if I knew now what I knew then…I would never have had them.” My own mother (who actually IS crazy) said this to me a few weeks ago. And I know she loves us, in her own demented way, but she meant it.
Wow.
So I guess my question is…how do I make a reasonable argument to my husband about this? I guess, (guilt) I feel like I am being a shit who is denying him something that might make him happy, but will make me miserable. I don’t really jive on kids. I don’t coo and go to mush,they can be cute and funny… but playtime and whining and lack of freedom, and rotten teen and tween years are beyond me.What DO you do when your eight year old wants to wear a thong? Or thinks Lady Gaga is a great person to model themselves on? Eeek! I know a three year old with an iphone! What the…
I am at best ambivalent, at worst strident about not wanting to have a baby.Actually, baby isn’t the problem…I don’t want a CHILD. Because if you think a stationary baby is hard…a rampaging toddler who just flushed your keys down the loo is HELL…a hyper tween who is boy crazy…(and thank YOU Miley Cirus for making it ok for prepubescent little girls to want to be “sexy”!(shudder.)I just am not up to the job. Kudos to you guys who are doing it.
But my husband thinks I am exaggerating and being histrionic.(and I am being a little shrill, I can read it in my writing here. I just really feel strongly about the NO BABY thing.) It doesn’t help that we know six, (Six!) couples who have had babies in the last month, and are extolling the virtues of parenthood. Husband is a wonderful man, a gem. I feel like a shit. But I know the truth behind the glassy eyes and pasted on smiles, I know how hard it is. He is having those nostalgic little thoughts like football practice and Christmas morning. I am thinking about tantrums and biting. I know how few and far between those glorious moments are…and how grinding and monotonous the other stuff can be.
How do I make him see the light? (PS- he is so/so about wanting a baby, not full throttle. AND we have been together 10 years almost, and he never was ready to have the will we / won’t we conversation. He himself has been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing forever. It’s just that there are BABIES everywhere, and I think he feels like he might be missing a trick and doesn’t want to be different then all of his friends. AND his mother has started a full on pestering campaign for another grandchild…and he does listen to his Mum, bless him. If I knew he desperately wanted to start a family, I wouldn’t have married him, that would have been cruel. I left an old boyfriend because he was desperate to have kids, and I didn’t want to. He is now married with two, and seems very happy.
anyhoo…I think I answered my own question…
I will just read him these posts.:)
Also, he thinks that he will just have a mini version of himself. Not understanding or listening that you don’t get a perfect fifty split of the two parents. You get a lot of other gross genetic poopers that can crop up, like my fathers substance abuse problems, my grandmothers schizophrenia, my my mothers bi-polar and manic personality disorder, the rampant autism in my family tree. I’m just sayin…I don’t gots good genes for this kind of endeavor.
I am always surprised when I hear women talk about their partner (man) wants a baby and they are in doubt. These are modern times, women need to take control of your body and life.
Think about it, it is you who has to go through the vomiting, lack of sleep, spitting, back pain,swollen limbs, the shame of walking around pregnant (the way some people may see it) and let’s not forget childbirth which is 8 / 10 on the pain charts (with 10 being something like being burned alive).
And all your husband will do is hold your hand? Ask him if he would be willing to go through all of the above for you, especially the pain, for a non-entity who very well may turn out not how you want.
Also there are more single mothers than single dads, think about that.
I always maintain that men should ASK a woman if they could have kids, not tell her/ discuss.
Women, take control of your body, this is 2011.
Tell your husband to read this.
You said it, Helen. And besides the government, look how nice “big business” also makes motherhood seem.
You get to buy new furniture. So much fun picking out a crib, changing table, clothes hamper, rocking chair. I can’t afford to buy things for my house, but, somehow, money is found to purchase these necessities for a baby’s room.
You get the fun of shopping for adorable baby clothes that are so sweet, soft and decorated with darling designs like animals, flowers, etc. Aren’t pajamas with feet and onsies just the end?!
Ever wonder why baby powder, lotion, shampoo, and disposable diapers smell so good? So we will want to buy them. Babies don’t care how their powder smells…but mom sure does! The containers are cute, too. Little lambs, kittens, clouds…takes us back to our own childhoods.
TV Commercials showing soft, sweet (quiet) little heads nestled against Mom as she rocks her darling to sleep on a late afternoon, sun-dappled patio.
Really, people in advertising know that having children is something that won’t just go away. They make sure of it by making it seems as appealing as possible.
I don’t have children. That is a decision I made when I was 15. I’m not really even sure why that decision was made. I had a nice childhood, loved playing dolls and house with my sister, always imagined that I simply would have kids someday. I am SO GLAD I don’t. My sister has three kids, and I have never seen any of this “joy” I hear about. She is constantly wishing to have a break, always looks dragged out and tired, often lets the kids do what they want because she is so sick of dealing with them. They aren’t bad kids, but they are so dependent, needy, whiny, and nothing is ever “faaaairrr!” no matter how old they get (all teenagers now). Not once have I regretted my decision.
I feel for women who have children and aren’t happy. I googled the phrase “I Hate Being a Mom” because I thought I might get some insight as to what my sister may be going through. I had no idea the negative feelings of motherhood were so widespread.
Thank you to all the honest people who posted here. I can see that being a mom is the hardest job in the world…and I know that I could never do it.
I also googled the phrase “don’t like being a mom’ and found this website and was relieved to know that I was not the only one. I once read that women go through a grieving process after birth and I can truly see it. I have been married for 9 years this August and just graduated from law school in may. We had our first child this june. It was a very difficult birth and she was in the NICU for a week. I couldn’t hold her for the first 5 days of her life. She is perfectly healthy now and six weeks old. But i feel that really affected my being able to bond with her. She is also not an easy baby. It seems like if she is awake she is constantly fussing about something. I also swear she doesn’t sleep the supposed 15 hours a day either. It makes me resent her for the constantly demanding every last second of my attention if she is awake. I can’t even go to the bathroom it seems if she is awake. It makes me hate being a mother. I have to say I wasn’t exactly the model for a pregnant woman either. I didn’t talk about babies and I wanted to avoid the topic all together whenever I could. I knew it meant the end of my freedom. Then I feel guilt because I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, that I should be happy to be a mom. My sister in law just found out she can’t have kids and is devastated and it makes me feel like a horrible person.
I think i get frustrated to because there is no interaction with her because she is so young. All she does is eat, poop, and cry. There is no mommy i love you or hugs to even remotely make up for the bad days. I wonder how women can love babies honestly. I think maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mother, maybe I was to selfish of a person to have children.
Then i read a post above that said something about whether a person was happy before they had children by dr. phil and i suppose that is right as well. Because I have never been one of those overly happy bubbly people. But it is a relief to know that I am not the only one that feels this way about motherhood.
Been there, done that. I experienced the beginning exactly like you. I was never a ‘mommy mommy’ to begin with, I also didn’t buy every single magazine there was about motherhood etc. and talk about babies and kids all day long. Still don’t. I felt so horribly lonely when I was alone with my daughter, I HATED the days that I had to spend with her all alone. And then of course, yes, you feel guilty 😦
My daughters are now 7 and 10 and things have gotten easier, but I’m still not Mom of the Year. I miss the patience. Just tonight I was yelling at them again while doing the ‘bedtime routine’ (while every day I promise myself to keep my cool…). It just exhausts me that every single day it’s the same fuss, the same stress, the same… kids stuff I guess 😉
I also have to say that I am blessed with an extremely supportive husband. He knows its hard being a mom and does his best to give me breaks. And we have discussed my feelings and he has felt the same way about being a father, so its not just mom’s feeling this way either. I think some men are just better about avoiding the emotional end of things.
But I think for people who are not parents they can never truly know. Its just like I read about the first days of baby being home, say the discovery channel show about babies first day home, but nothing prepares you for your own emotion and problems. No amount of reading or watching other people’s kids (which i never did) can prepare you for actually being a parent. Its like the first year of law school for me. I imagined it would be unbelievable hard and impossible and people told me about it, but you just don’t know until you experience it yourself. the same goes double for being a parent. i might even say triple for being a parent.
its just sad, i thought i would find some answers, i thought somebody would say how everything gets better after… but i think motherhood is just a trap
its sad to find out that probably i will always feel like i died after i gave birth
To Leena (and all us other moms here):
It DOES get better. It gets better after they leave for college. I wouldn’t know firsthand because my kids are nowhere near college-age yet. But here’s what two writers had to say on that topic:
“The empty nest is underrated.” – Nora Ephron, in her book I Feel Bad About My Neck
“For most of us, life only gets better after the kids fly the coop.” – Annie Finnigan, in a Family Circle article
I googled “cannot handle my children” and came across this website. I am so glad to find I am not the only mother out there who wants to “run away” sometimes. I love my children and could NEVER abandon them as much as the thought runs through my head these days. On top of being a full time mother and housewife/maid, I have the added stress of working full time from home getting paid on production, which is impossible these days with the kids needing as much as they do; they are kids they depend on you for everything and they are always my first priority, but I find myself resenting their dependency on me because I cant work to make bills nor can I afford childcare for the 2 of them so that I can work. I have a recently turned 3 year old boy and an almost 6 year old girl. They fight CONSTANTLY, are into everything they shouldnt be, it takes 20 plus minutes every time just to try to discipline them and put them in a time out for misbehaving which seems to be every 10 minutes. They cant sit still for more than 2 or 3 minutes and it drives me crazy. I end up working 8-10 hours a day 6-7 days a week and only making a part-time salary. I am at the end of my rope, at a loss, I just dont know what to do anymore…………
Hi Ladiea what i think that we are forgetting is, we too were once kids as well,and are parents went through the same crap that we are going through and they made it through ok. So needless to say I am pretty sure we will too. If being a parent was soo horrible then we woudln’t be having kids anymore. No one said that it was going to be easy,being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job that we will ever have in our lives,and yes i do think that a bit of us or rather a part of us dies in a sense when we have kids because now it’s not all about us!I think the reason we feel that way ,well at least us stay at home moms is because we don’t have a job to go to we don’t always get adult conversation we don’t have a daily escape so to speak and i think that makes a feel like we are not a valid member of society because we don’t have a JOB. But we really do ,like i said being a mom especially a stay at home mom,is the hardest toughest most agonizing job ever!!! But I know that no matter what stage my kids are going through, I know it won’t last forever and i also know that even though on some days i wish i didn’t have kids that when they are all grown up and living their own lives… i will long for those days of nit picking crying temper tntrums and sleepless nights!!!!!!!!! So as much as we complain I think we just want to know that everything will get better..and it will,why? because nothing lasts forever!
Thank God for this. I’m a 21 year old new mother/full time student/part time worker. It feels so good to see the feelings in my heart and head put to words through other mothers….I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and not feel so alone. hallelujah.
WoW! All theses comments have hit home. I keep thinking, I’m not made to be a mom. I feel no joy or happiness being a mother. I love my 6yr and 4yr old boys but now I need a break from all the fighting, yelling, running, wrestling and toys. There never is any quiet time!!! Does it make me selfish if I inform my husband that I want a divorce and for him to have full custody of the boys? He is a great dad and they love him and all the “manly” things they do together, all I seem to do with them is yell and scream. I’m told by friends if I do leave them I’m being selfish and I will damage them. But I feel if I stay my unhappiness and resentment will damage them. What are your thoughts?
My parents hated each other…and starting at about 9 I BEGGED them to get a divorce, even as a little kid I could see that they were making each other miserable. Staying together for the kids does not work.If you are that unhappy…they will understand eventually.
Is it so bad that you actually want to leave them, or you just think about it? That’s the big difference. I get sad, agitated, furious, overwhelmed, etc. to the point that I need to scream, take a drive, give my 6 week old to her father and leave for a while. But as soon as I take a breathe, relax a little, I can’t wait to try it again. I love that little girl as if she was my own heart taken from my body. She is my world. My world just happens to have a lot of frustration and overwhelms me lately. You’re boys are 4 and 6, very hard ages as far as listening goes, etc. It gets better. Now I only know this from others personal experiences, but I know that leaving would not be a good choice, unless you A. don’t love them or B. don’t trust yourself around them anymore. Just my thoughts. I’m not a female Dr. Phil or anything…nor do I pretend to be 🙂 Good Luck. Do whats in your heart….never fails.
I feel like a flake sometimes, pretending that I always enjoy staying at home with the kids…I have dealt with depression my entire life and have not taken anything for it, but now, pregnant with my third child, it’s really hit home that maybe I DO need something for this…Sometimes I just want to walk out of my house. I can deal with a lot, but there are days when I feel like my head might explode…Just another mess for me to clean up, though…:) I get so tired of being needed and when I talk to my husband, he just sighs and nods. It’s not that he doesn’t care~it’s that he doesn’t know what to do. I used to tell people “Oh, those feelings are purely selfish and you need to fake it if you can’t feel it for real…” But now, I have to admit that “ditto~I feel the same exact way…” Sometimes I don’t want to play with lego’s, or my little ponies. Sometimes I don’t want to cook dinner or clean the laundry. Sometimes I jsut want to sit in the bathroom and stare out the window. It’s the only room in the house where I can lock myself away. I can only do that so many times before I realize that even that doesn’t work and that when I walk out of that tiny room (we only have one bathroom, so it’s not like I can stay in there forever…) my children and my husband will still be there, asking me for things and food and diaper changes. I love my babies with all my heart and I would die for them. Sometimes I get so low that I wonder if that’s what’s happening. I’m dying inside trying to make them happy, keep them fed and clean and entertained. Motherhood can be so joyful, but there are days when it feels like nothing but long, dark halls. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only one who has to walk down them. I’m sorry we all feel this way and have to leave comments on a blog to be heard and understood. Thank you for writing the post.
I guess I should clarify that I have spent the last 3 yrs raising my boys alone and working fulltime as a nurse. My husband was in Iraq for 18 months ( I had my 4yr while he was deployed) he is now back in the US but works for homeland security so he is often away for weeks at a time. Soon he will be home for good and my debate is to work as a travel nurse to get “away” or to divorce and to continue living my life on my own as I have been. If I do this I know I will go insane to have the boys with me fulltime.
I so understand. That was me today and many days. I don’t think anyone ( unless you are a mom) understand what we go through with our kids on a day to day basis. I sometimes think of just leaving and never coming back, sometimes I want to crawl in a corner and never come out. I feel like a bad mother and wife. I am a stay at home mom, so I am with my children all the time. My husband gives me the “look of death” when the children misbehave. Like it’s something that I am doing. Who knows, maybe it is something that I am doing. It’s sad that mom’s feel like this, life is so short and we shouldn’t have to deal with this on our own. I love my kids…I just wish life could be a little easier. I just hope I don’t go insane anytime soon. Because I feel like I am not myself anymore and I don’t like being a mean mom.
Anyone here leave a good man and their kids becuase of PPD? We have a friend who has done this recently for no real good reason and think she might have PPD. She had 2 kids in 11 months both by C section and has been on depression meds and sleeping aides for 2 yrs. She isn’t like the person we knew. What can we do to help? Her DH is devastated and her kids dazed [ 2yr and 3yr in oct] . All happening very fast [last 4 months] Any suggestions?
To TAM: what the he**? Your husband gives YOU the look of death if the kids misbehave? He should be giving himself the look of death – what is he doing to try to make their lives better? A SAHM can’t be expected to do everything. He sounds like a complete… well, I won’t say what he sounds like. But it’s time you give him a piece of your mind.
Kids misbehave no matter how much their parents train them. You are not to blame for everything.
Thank you all,
I am so relieved (although very empathetic to everyone on this site) that my husband and I don’t have children. I really never wanted them to begin with and any residual ambivalence has now been obliterated.
Good luck to all of you. I hope your kids grow up to take really great care of you in your old age and give you all the grand kids you deserve for your years of sacrifice!!! Thankless little SH**S! 🙂
TAM- I know what you mean! I’m a stay at home mom and will take on the task of that and going to school in the fall. Still no idea how that is going to take place, I hate the thought of daycare. My fiance comes home and the first thing I do is hand off my 8 week old to him, so I can shower, etc. He looks at me as if he’s been at work all day and should get time off. He tells me I should do things when she naps…um, yeah, I do ‘do’ things when she naps, its called your fucking laundry, dishes, cleaning your house, etc! I’m sick of not having a helping father for my child. Nights are HORRIBLE!!! He cusses and throws shit around when I ask him to ‘get her this one time’…she is HIS responisblity too!!! I didnt get myself pregnant! I don’t know how much longer I can take this….I think what I really need is I can’t handle being a single mother because I have a lousy father to my child blog….
I’m glad to have read this. I’ve been a mom for less than a month and I’m just not into it. I wasn’t into my pregnancy either. I kept pushing through as though I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t demand special Princess Preggo treatment, want extra rest, or anything like that. I worked full time, went to school part time. The time that the baby was due, I decided that I would not take the quarter off from school, just a week to recover. I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel but it will just lead to harsh judgment. It’s like, if you aren’t into being a mom or a parent in our society, especially after you’re already expecting or have a kid, you’re some kind of evil.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby a lot. He’s very sweet. But, I just don’t feel a connection to him, or an excitement for what each day brings with him like all these other moms say they feel 😦
I became a first time mom at 43. I’m now 47 and am going out of my mind. My son is hyperactive and I am an introvert (i.e,. need my quiet time). Needless to say, it’s pushed me to the edge. I’m tired all of the time, irritable, angry, depressed. I left my job of 20 years when I became a mom and the isolation and boredom of being a SAHM is mind-numbing. Why doesn’t anyone tell you how it really is BEFORE you have kids? I get maybe 2 minutes of joy a day from my son. The rest is sheer hell. I feel guilty saying that. I love him more than life itself, but I have lost my self entirely in the process of having him. To say I’m miserable would be an understatement. Were our moms as unhappy or is it harder to be a mom today? I just can’t figure it out.
I’m glad I found this post. Misery does love company 🙂 !
Hello all you fabulous mums out there.
Shana, I’m so glad you connected to my raving, sometimes after the keyboard purge , I feel like such a whinging downer! But boy, does it help connecting.
Sometimes when everything is pushing me to the edge I’ll just come back and view this site, and it puts things back in to perspective. I’m not alone. I ‘m not some one-off useless incompetent psycho-mum – most women experience these feelings to varying degrees.
I can report that am in a much better place than when I last wrote. Couldn’t really be any worse.
School has REALLY REALLY helped. So hang in there mums, it comes around pretty quickly and there is some REAL relief there.
Midlife mom I hear you loud and clear. You desperately need to do what I didn’t. Find time for yourself. You have got to find a way to reclaim some space for yourself. I always feel like I have a block of wood on my shoulders and my son is like a wood pecker and that if I don’t have some peace and quiet I’ll go crazy. Force yourself to make time for yourself. I know you probably are feeling so bad that you don’t even have the energy or desire to do anything, but please push through that feeling, and start fuelling that brain with something other than junior. It really will help.
I remember when things were at there worst for me when my son was 2 and a half and had slept through for more than about 10 nights since he was born, I started going to a yoga class every Friday. I still go and I really think that calm time saved my bacon. It mightn’ t be yoga but just get some time out. It sounds basic but it really really will help you reclaim even a little bit of ourself. And bit by bit we must do that.
Lady Luck you hit the nail on the head, about not feeling an excitement about what the day brings. Do your best, try not to feel guilty about not experiencing motherhood the way the glossy mags tell us we should. If your baby is fed and warm and safe you’re doing a brilliant job. I felt nothing but grief in those first weeks so you are really not alone. The good news is, things will improve. They will. They may get worse befroe they do, but they will.
You really are ALL fabulous. Keep the faith mammas and in your darkest times, come back here and you’ll feel better!
Betty
So…after googling, “don’t want to be a mom anymore”, I’ve read over a year-and-a-half of replies to Thor’s initial post and I am *nearly* speechless.
First, I am not alone.
Second, I am not a freak.
Third, now what?
I too wish I could walk off into the sunset and go back to my life. I’ve done it a time or two, but the reality is, without a college education I couldn’t support myself, and any friends or family I tried to seek shelter with would just send me home after a tongue-lashing about responsibility.
How many of you didn’t really have a foul mouth before motherhood? Did you look at people who used the “f” word with a “shame-on-you” look of death? I sure did. For me it’s a sign of utter overload. We had six kids in ten years, now ages 16 to 7. I’ll say it–I had the stupid idea that children would somehow fulfill that part of me that was still missing. It would have been a hell of a lot cheaper to get a loan, get a degree, and get a life.
Motherhood feels so futile. I swear I could record a cassette tape of the things I say every day, push play, walk out the door, and not be missed for weeks.
I’m rambling. My point is, now what? I’m angry–no furious–that this is my life now. I’m sad for my kids–they deserve more than I can give them. I HONESTLY, from the bottom of my heart, KNOW THAT MY FAMILY WOULD BE HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF without me here. I’m mad with society that it continues to perpetuate the myths of parenthood. And yet the responsibility of finishing what I started keeps me here. So how do I live with that? Tried therapy–wasted a lot of money and got nowhere. Can you relate? HOW CAN I FINISH THIS MARATHON OF MOTHERING WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND OR WORSE?
Why do people not even blink twice when they hear that a dad walked out on his family, but their jaws dropped and are shocked when a mom does or even says she wish she could?
What stops you all from just packing a bag and walking away?
How can you raise good kids, happy kids if you are not yourself?
A few comments to the mothers who most recently wrote here:
Betty, so glad to hear that you’re doing better. I’m doing the same as you: coming back to this website every time I’m frustrated with motherhood. By doing so, I not only realize that I’m not alone, I also realize that some moms here have it much worse than I do… like Kati.
Kati, I don’t know how you even managed to last this long. Your basic question seems to be, how do you keep on going? I’m sorry I don’t know the answer to that, and can only offer you sympathy and a few suggestions:
1. Get help if you can afford it, from babysitters or grandparents or friends. Or ask your husband to take more of certain burdens, either in childcare or in housework. Go out by yourself to exercise or to a bookstore or coffeeshop, or on a date with your husband or friend.
2. From the way you write, it’s obvious that you’re extremely intelligent and insightful, and that you should go back to college as soon as one or more of your children leaves home. It will be a struggle, of course, but education is worth SO MUCH that I don’t want you to give up hope. It gives you a degree so that you can find jobs more easily. But more importantly, it gives you knowledge that no one can ever take from you. You go, girl. It’s odd; I don’t even know you, but I am rooting so much for you.
rbmc, you are absolutely right. I can only offer you my story of why I don’t pack up a bag and leave: I made a promise to my husband and intend to keep it, even when motherhood feels intolerable. Deep inside, I believe in karma: that if you do what is right, you will ultimately have more peace and maybe even good things will come to you. This is not to say that leaving is always wrong – you know best in this case. But take time to consider what it would mean to your husband and kids, and ask yourself if leaving them is something you could live with for the rest of your life.
Hang in there mothers. We’re all in this together, taking on the hardest job of all.
Thank you Shana!
Let me add my voice to the chorus. I’m a single mother to a 17 year old boy. His father is not helpful and we broke up shortly after he was born. I’ve had problems with him ever since he was little. When I would break down around people when he was 2 or 3 they would ask me if I was premenstrual or having a bad day…surely a little child can’t unnerve you! What will you do when he’s a teenager? Well I guess I’ve been having 17 years of PMS because that is what nearly every day feels like. I really HATE being a mother. I don’t know if it’s because of a ‘bad fit’ between my temperament and his…maybe if I had a different type of child my experience would have been different? (I like quiet, solitude, introspection, refined activities while he is the extrovert, gregarious, boisterous, mercurial type). Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother to anyone (I have a tendency towards depression). We’ve had regular power struggles from toddlerhood to the teens. I’ve ‘broken down’ many times over the years. Have punched through windows, contemplated suicide, thought about just getting on a bus and disappearing. I love my son which is why I have not offed myself or abandoned him ( my father walked away when I was young and my mother gave me to my grandmother when I was 12 so didn’t want to just ‘throw’ him away). I’m just really really really unhappy. Particularly right now…I’ve not slept all night and it’s nearly time for me to go to work. I’m just up crying and surfing and finding a little bit of solace on this forum. I feel like sH and am so tired of it all. With the economy the way it is and his lack of motivation he won’t be moving out anytime soon. I’m very unahppy and see no way out. I love my son but he deserves better and I really really really need to be pardoned from this horrible mistake I made.
BTW my son is seeing a therapist about his school/motivation issues but his therapist is not making much progress with him either. I’m just *lost*
well since your son is already 17 you have the time to do what u like for yourself. be creative. stop thinking negative. start thinking positive i know its weird coming from me but atleast u have a chance to rebuild your life. my son is 19 months and a major pain in the a** and i dont have any time to do anything but i mean your son is grown u could take up a new hobby or something and stop dwelling on the past what happened has already happened its not like u can change anything just move on and change the future so u are happier.
Are you joking. You have no idea. I would have a toddler any day over a 17 year old. And I have a 21 year old. It has only been the past 4 years or so that I really wish I didn’t have her. Teenagers are just as draining as toddlers, maybe more so as you don’t have the same control over them. Think before saying at 17 the kid is grown. Not always the case.
wastedlife – I am so sorry for all the crap and suffering you’ve had to go through and are still going though , that goes for you too Kati. Hats off to you both. You are both stronger and smarter and more together than you’ll ever know.
In some impossible way, we must ride out the excruciating ambivalence of motherhood : You love you child/ children; yet you hate being a mother.
And there for many years we dangle; suspended in the torturous divided oblivion of Motherhood.
Come back here and gather your strength for the next round. For some of us it gets easier, for other’s it gets harder or just plain stays the same. Keep the faith that things will improve, you both deserve to get back to a time in your life that’s sweeter. And you will.
Don’t forget to take some of that enormous strength that you’ve been using to bear your difficult situations to tackle them as well. Tackle them any way you can and affect some change. Even the smallest change you can make for the better, will reignite a belief in you that things could actually GET BETTER. They could BE BETTER than they are right now. Bit by bit by bit.
Do whatever you can to find some glimmer of light. Get out of the house. Walk. Listen to music. Stick your head right down nature’s throat, I mean smell the dirt and the rain and the flowers. Sit in the sun or slop around in the snow, or crunch through some Autumn leaves. Nature IS a real tonic for hoplessness. It helps put things in perspective.
Kati. Six kids. Man. What can I say. Try doing one tiny thing that makes it more bearable. Then add another and another. Think of things that would make it more bearable and work towards incorporating those things in to your day to day existence. I don’t know. It’s what I would do.
Try getting as much time as you can away from the kids. Easy to say, I know. But when you are experiencing it the way you are, YOU HAVE GOT TO GET MORE TIME OUT. DOCTORS ORDERS. TIME OUT. TIME OFF. I know they are all still there and IT’S still all there and that’s totally depressing, BUT if you have a break at least you can have some time for your own thoughts and needs – and that is healthy. Even just to have some peace and quiet – YOU NEED IT. It’s not a luxury, you actually NEED it for your sanity. I always think- what’s the point? But actually there is a point – it makes you FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.
wastedlife. Single mum. Difficult child. Tough, tough, tough job! Well done. You’re both still here.
But you know – you are pardoned. And by the way, pardon yourself. Let yourself off the hook. Your ARE a good mum, I can hear it in you. You love your difficult boy. All of us are imperfect and just do what we can. It’s all we can do. Do what we can and try, just try, bit by bit to turn things around when they get really bad.
Your boy WILL grow up. He WILL move out.
Yours is NOT a wasted life. You have many many good years ahead of you, so start thinking about living them NOW … and also get some sleep!
Things WILL get better, They WILL!
I am sorry for your sadness, both of you. You are NOT alone.
Keep the faith Mammas.
Betty
Hi all!!
Obviously I am reading this because i feel the same way too—-
Life is a constant struggle with a 20 yr old (away at college) who thinks we owe her the world — In NJ we have to pay for her college because we are divorced- its the law- so I have no choice but to pay for it all while she ungratefully takes and takes and when she is home for breaks she does absolutely NOTHING to help me.
I have a 16yr old son who barely passes though he scores super high on all standardized tests so he is not as dumb as he acts – just lazy and a trouble maker- we are in school one week already and he has detention already which messes up my work schedule and his- he probably will lose his little part time job now because of the detentions.
I have to push him every night to do his homework and study or he would have been held back 6 times already- I work full time have a house and a dog and then have to come home take him to his part time job and pick him up- I have to help and push him to do the two hours of homework every night while he tells me how stupid school is–
I ask myself daily WHY? what is this all for?? In retrospect if I had to do it all again I never would have had kids
Hi Mary… did you know the site you’re referring people to, and the blogs that site links to, are part of a network of Scientology inspired, if not financed, anti-psychiatry and anti-medication sites? Well you sure do now.
Here are some sites you can look at, please check them out and pass them on:
http://www.scientology-kills.org/index.html
http://exscientologykids.org/index.html
http://theframeproblem.wordpress.com/
Thank you all. I just spent 2 hours talking with my husband about how I want to walk out on our family. I have two young boys and I never wanted kids. I know they are my responsibility and I made this choice but I regret it every day. I have the dream life–a great education, wonderful career and business life, awesome husband, home, etc, and I am just so miserable having to come home and mother every day and I dread weekends. It isn’t their fault, they don’t deserve a mother like this, but I can’t imagine walking away either–the guilt would eat me alive. I have tried so many things–years of therapy, life coaching, medication (I’m currently off the Zoloft I was on for 1 year–maybe should go back on). I get plenty of breaks and time away and dates with my husband…why am I still so unhappy so much of the time? I really, truly hate being a mother.
That is the same question I have been asking myself. The only answer that makes sense to me is…I’ve lost the “person” I was and should be. For some people I guess marriage and kids is a good thing that helps them grow as a person, become better. Not me! I’ve lost my identity. I liked the the old me!!
Miserable Mom and rbmc: may I suggest that you are asking yourselves the wrong question. In my mind, the real question is: “Why SHOULDN’T I be unhappy so much of the time?”
I mean, who cares if we have a supportive husband, frequent breaks, dates, etc? That doesn’t change the fact that we DO need a “break” from something; i.e., raising kids. If we didn’t want kids in the first place, then motherhood could be considered analogous to having a chronic disease (sorry if that sounds crude). You could have the most supportive husband in the world, but that doesn’t miraculously make you happy about having the disease, nor does it make the problem go away. All it means is that you have a cool husband.
So you can be grateful for THAT, but there’s no need for you to be grateful for something you didn’t want.
Very true!
This is a really lovely and honest post that, for some strange reason, just made me feel a whole lot better/”normal”.
Hi,
I’m a single mom of a 13 year old son. I’m in a depression but managed to get out of bed this morning. I’m still running into some same issues. I was dignosed after my son was born at 13.5 ounces though looking back I discovered that depression has been with me since about age 11. I’m also a recovering alcoholic and addict. I’m coming up on 2 years, go meetings daily and have a sponsor.
My husband and were doing ok with raising our son until my husband died from an aneurysm. It’s been hard ever since.
I had 5 years of sobriety and went back out. I gave my son to my parents for 2 years and now he’s back home.
I’m so scared to admit this but it’s hard being a parent when you’re alone, suffering with depression, never wanted to be a parent – especially one that has a learning and social disablilty, and working a recovery program and NEVER WANTED TO BE one. I know my son is my responsibility it’s just been harder now than ever. I’ve had thoughts of giving him to my parents again but there’s more of me that wants to really try. Right now I’m in a pretty bad depression and need help, advice…anything.
Well I can’t let that post just sit there without saying something!
Hi PJ. Oh lordy! Just have a read back over what you are dealing with. It’s absolutely massive! And you’re doing it. Day by day. Bit by bit. Two years along. That is fantastic!
Yes – it is hard being a parent and dealing with all the issues that you are. The fact that you can acknowledge it, is a good. thing. It is REALLY hard. There isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t find what you are having to go through extremely difficult.
I hope your sponsor can support you more at this difficult time. I really hope for you and your son that you can hang in there. As you say in your post, there’s more of me that wants to really try. Keep digging deep and doing your best, it’s all you can do. Get through each day. And slowly slowly things will change for the better, if that’s what you work towards.
Your son may not understand it all now, but when he is older he will look back and understand how hard you have tried to pull it all together and go on. He will be proud of you.
Good luck. Keep the faith. Things WILL get better.
Betty
I am so glad I found this. I also googled I hate being a mom and found this. I am 24 , a single mother of a 3 yr old son Riley, and a full time student. I just decided to quit school cause I am so overwhelmed I cant breathe. I am looking for a job and not finding anything. I am so scared that I am going to lose my mind if something doesnt give. I am constitently miserable and bitter. I spend most nights crying and wishing I could run away from my life. I love my boy so much and I know I could never live without him, but alot of days I just want to start finding myself. I am so unhappy that know one even wants to be around me and I feel so bad for Riley. He is not unhappy, he is just not used to being told no. His dad let him do anything and I always was the bad guy. And now his dad is out of our lives (thank god) and all I am is trying to fix three years worth of mistakes by myself. I have no friends and cant control my son most days so I dont hardly ever go to parks. It is nice to know I am not the only person who is miserable as a mom.
wow… its so nice to know i’m not alone. My daughter was born November 3rd, 2006 and from the moment she came out i was hit with a horrible wave of postpartum depression. for the first six months of her life i didnt “love” her (i know now that i did, but the depression kept it hidden from me). I feel robbed and cheated out of those first six months. and everyone who i know who’s had kids has not went through this. i was just listening to my newest mom friend (sons not quite two months) talk about how amazing it is and how she loved him from the moment he was born. I had always wanted kids and since i’ve gotten my wish i’ve wanted nothing but to turn away. I was on antidepressants for 13 months until i was able to feel normal without them. Now i’m expecting my second in april and this one was concieved the same way my daughter was, broken condom. i knew i wanted a second one, but i didnt even want to start trying until april…
this has been a depressing pregnancy and i find myself freaking out more and more as time goes on. i even had some days where i thought about getting an abortion and just telling everyone i miscarried. i just know PPD is going to happen again with how this depression is already starting and i’m really scared about it and what may happen. with my daughter i used to wish she’d get SIDS so she’d go away. i even recited that line from labyrinth wishing the goblin king to take her away…
i’m kicking myself right now for not taking the plan b pill when this happened…
i just want to walk away and never come back, but i love my husband too much and could never put him through that and i know i couldnt live with myself to abandon my daughter like that.
i know i’m not alone, but i have no one in real life who knows how i feel and i just cant talk to them about it because unless you’ve felt like this, you just dont get it.
Melissa,
Some antidepressants are safe during pregnancy. Go to a doctor who respects PPD and get whatever will help you have a better experience this time — not that you can necessarily avoid PPD altogether, but with help you can make it more manageable.
Do you do well with your daughter now?
Marcy,
well, i am doing MUCH better with her. she just turned two on november 3rd and had always been a great listener, so i struggle with the days she tests me. and i havent been getting much sleep and being pregnant ontop of that, lol.
but things are better with her then when they started out. its just i have trouble with the loss of freedom that comes with parenting.
I understand. My little one turns two next week. I have a hard time balancing my time so that I can do some of what I want and need and also be available to her. It helps me a lot to remember that the testing is important for their sense of security — they need to know the limits are there and firm. I constantly remind myself to stay firm, but to be compassionate and respectful.
Hoping things get better for you.
Im 22 with 2 kids. (3 years and 4 months) My partner works full time. I am struggling so much right now. I mean my partner releaves me for breaks every saturday hense why i feel like a failure. I mean its not like i dont get a break because i do. He also helps out heaps when his home. But when its just me i cannot cope!
This morning for example my 3 year old wouldnt stop pulling my hair while i was trying to feed my baby. When i gave him no reaction after 15 mins of pulling he starts hitting my baby. I tell him off so he starts screaming meanwhile my baby is screaming to. I try to calm my baby down then my 3 year old starts yelling put him down out him down play with me and starts hitting himself! The phone starts ringing so i try to get to the phone with bubs in my arms i trip on the toys that are on the floor (lucky bubs didnt get hurt) Then i froze and it was like there was no noise just the noise of my sobs as i realised I cannot handle it anymore! I cannot handle life.
Dont get me wrong i love my kids to death but after laying in bed for the last 3 months thinking about how good it would be to fall asleep and not wake up i am now offically scared. I shouldnt be thinking these thoughts but they are the only time i am happy now and i dont know what to do.
I am lost and want to find me again, but i think me went along time ago and i dont know how to find her again
Hi Everyone,
I just got to work after a very frustrating morning with my kids.
I have 11, 9 and 8 yr old boys. I am 29 an only child aho has lived @ home forever. I have been on my own now for a year. And while it was bliss in the first 2 months, hell did no wait another month. I started to get stressed and frustrated with my boys, when my fiance’ who is not their father, had to deploy to Iraq in February of this year. My boys began to get on my last nerve. They were constantly bickering and fighting over everything from who’s bathing fisrt to who is sitting in the front seat of the car. And today just took a toll on me. I called my mom and told her I don’t want them anymore and that I was taking them to DCF and giving up my parental rights. I went on to say that I am leaving and no one will ever hear from me again. My mom said that she will get them. Because she can’t phathom them in the state’s care. I told her not to come looking for me because I’m changing my identity. She don’t worry I will get them. then I came to work and I googled the words- what do you do if you don’t feel like you can continue to take care of your kids. And this was one of the links so I clicked it. To find that I am not in anyway alone. All of our circumstances may not be the same, but we all have one thing in common that connected us. After reading some of the other posts, I feel much better. I realized that I needed to vent. I thought about my life without my boys, and I will never give them to anyone. I just need to find time for me every now and then. To that Jenny chick she must not have kids. Because if she did she would totally understand the frustrations of being a mother.
This message is for Melissa, I hope that you still visit this site because when i read your story it really hit home for me and I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel!! Last year at this time I got pregnant with my third baby. It was not planned nor did I even want more children. At the time I got pregnant I had been taking anxiety pills for 9 months so of course I had to get off them right away,which i can say was hell !! I was soo upset about being pregnant as well as terrified to the core the thought of having another one freaked me out and i would secretly wish that i would just have a miscarriage. I had days where I cried from morning till night,sometimes i would scream at th etop of my lungs for god to just take the baby I didn’t want it. I was in a horrible state I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it was!! My dr. noticed i wasn’t doing well and thought that i would be a prime candidate for PPD so she immediately put me on some anti’s,actually 3 different ones none of wich really worked for me i only took them for about 2 months befor i stopped. Then I found out that i was having a boy,well that just sent me over the edge i was deep deep in depression some dys just wishing that i was dead so i wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. I have 2 girls and I NEVER EVER wanted to have boys don’t really knkow why thats just how I felt. I was getting worse and nobody could get me out of my funk. Thank god for my amazing husband who stood by me day after day while i had horrible tantrums and crying fits. I was convinced that my life was over and that i would hate the new baby. Some how he knew that all was going to be ok and would tell me this every day, i of course didn’t beleive him but did take some comfort in his kind words. Still my entire pregnancy was not only hell for me but for my family as well!! I thank god every day that they stood by me. The day my son was born was extremly stressful for me cause well the whole pregnancy i thought that i was definately going to get PPD and that i would hate the baby and that my life was ust going to be miserable!! But when i saw my son and held him in my arms all my fears and anger and hatred just melted away. Nothing absolutely nothing that i thought was going to happen did. I was totally in love with my son,he was perfect!! He actually helped me get out of my depression funny enough. He is the perfect baby and I am soo glad that i have him in my life and that all my wishes while i was pregnant didn’t come true!! I guess what i am trying to say is things most often never turn out as bad as you think they will and maybe just maybe it might even turn out better!!!So try to give yourself a break from your horrible thoughts,that im sure your having on a daily basis,because the way you feel now isn’t necessarily the way you will feel after your baby is born!! Good luck .
P:S
It’s my son’s 6th month bday today!!
My mother just told me that I can’t handle my sons (in a not-very-nice way). While this has just devastated me, she’s right, it’s true. They live with their father now (their choice, they’re teenagers) and want nothing to do with me. I told them that I would no longer “bother” them, that they know how to get in touch with me if they want to. Now, all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die (I can’t, though, it’s against my religion), but I don’t know how I’m going to go through the motions of living for the rest of my life. I just feel so devastated that I plan to move far away where no one knows that I have sons. I guess it looks like I have to suck this up, grow up, and start over, but it’s easier said than done. There is something worse than being a mother, and that is being fired by your kids when they are still young.
life is just to hard joey
Joey, this is heartbreaking. Please, please go see a therapist or counselor about this. We the blogreaders can’t really advise you on something of this magnitude – this is a MAJOR calamity in your life.
So please some professional help, and don’t bother listening to unhelpful comments from people like your mom (she wins the prize for insensitivity to a loved one in need). And know that your online readers wish you well and are rooting for you.
Hi everybody,
Just found this site and I feel normal for the first time in years, if hating being a parent is normal.
I don’t know what to do I’ve been a stay-at-home-dad for my 2 & 4 yo and I’m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!! I want out, I want to wake up in the morning without complete dread about the stressful crap I’m getting ready to go through for the day. I didn’t want kids my wife did. But like most men when the question is put out there you just nod and say o.k. this is it, this is where it happens this is where I become a father. You can’t say what you really feel because most men know in their gut that it could very well mean the end of their marriage. So you go through with it and hope for the best and then your whole life slowly turns to crap.
I think that alot of people would have been happily together for the rest of their lives if not for kids!! I truely believe that now because the person I loved more than anything is just as stressed out as I am and our once great marriage is going down the drain and there’s no way to get our lives back. And I hate myself for feeling this way.
Believe it or not I’m a great dad and my kids love me to death but behind the act I’m being ripped to shreds inside and want to jump in front of a bus.
The media needs to stop idealizing parenthood. It’s criminal.
For those that were wondering why I stay home, I put my wife thru medical school so she brings home 5x more than I can. I tried working but could barely make enough to pay for child care. Another lie that needs to be completely explained to those thinking about having kids is that once you have kids all you will ever have is kids, bastards will bleed you dry!
After reading my first post I realized that it was a bit harsh towards women and I didn’t intend for that. I know the women here are going through the same thing that I am and making a blanket proclamation like the one above is unfair.
I’m just really stressed & trapped. I had a great career until the babies came along and the fact that my wife HAD to have kids but I’m the one stuck taking care of them the lion’s share of the time is really maddening.
There’s one other thing that pisses me off and that’s all these grandparents (a.k.a. our parents) that pushed many of us into parenthood with mountains of guilt. My theory is that they know all too well what they are doing to their kids by pushing the baby thing down their childrens throats. I dought that they really and I do mean really give happy horse shit about getting some grandbabies. I think the truth is that they want their own children to know what they suffered through with us first hand. Until you experience it for real everything else is simply lip service. If this sounds heartless and calculated so be it but I vividly remember what my mother said when my daughter was born and I quote,”Now It Starts” with an evil smirk on her face. I now know what she meant by that little slip.
Rob, no, you don’t seem harsh. Everything you say is right on the money.
I don’t think your wife will necessarily leave you if you express your frustration to her. Your situation sounds like mine, but reversed. My husband wanted kids while I didn’t; but until recently, I was stuck with most of the childcare, and I hated it. (Mostly still hate it, to be honest. Especially when they’re sick with a stomach bug.) Last year, I told my husband outright that I hated parenthood, and that he’d better be VERY grateful to me for having his kids against my will! He was indeed grateful, and now he does more than I do childcare-wise.
I think it could only help you if you discussed this with your wife. You made huge sacrifices for her, and this is really too much; you shouldn’t have to suffer silently. She will understand unless she is completely clueless. And IF she is clueless, pretend to be debilitatingly sick one day, and let her take care of your two kids for just a day. Then, believe me, she’ll get the idea.
Another thing: yes, Rob, both sets of grandparents pushed us into parenthood as well. My parents literally sat me down on the floor 5 years ago when we were visiting them over Christmas break, and snowed in on me for not having kids with my hubby yet. Hubby’s parents were not as in-your-face, but pretty blatant about it in their own way.
For the record, I also told my parents that I hate parenthood. I told them outright that I was angry at them for having pushed me into it. Now, every once in a while when we talk on the phone, they ask somewhat pleadingly, “See, aren’t you glad you have kids now?” I hate to say it, but the true answer is almost always: No.
Kristin, i just checked this site after not checking it for awhile. found out yesterday i am having my second girl. i’m heartbroken because i wanted a boy so bad and there’s a good chance my husband wont choose to have another one because shortly after we had Lily he told me he didnt know if he’d want three if the next was a girl because he didnt know if he could deal with three girls. i of course want to try for a third to try for a boy (well… i say this before i have my second, my mind might change once this one comes). i am hoping that i’ll be like you and once this baby comes i’ll feel better about it. i’m upset about it being a girl that i cant even bring myself to say her or she, i still say it and baby. i also hate that my husband deals with all this crap WAY better then i do. he dealt with being a parent for the first time wonderfully. he just eased right into the roll where as it took me a long 6 months to finally be at ease with everything. i’m tired of people telling me “oh two girls will be great, lily will love having a sister, atleast the baby is healthy” and all those other things. i didnt have any sisters growing up and i didnt care. only time i wanted a sister was to clean my room.
Rob, i dont think you were being harsh. i couldnt imagine being pushed into something like this. while both of our children were the result of broken condoms, i had always wanted to be a mom. my husband works days and i work nights. i resent having to be at home with my kid all day then go off to work at night. we just cant afford one salary and cant afford child care. i’ve given up what little social life i had left when i had to go back to work (live in canada so i get a year paid maternity leave). i see friends maybe once a month.
oh shoot, was also going to say lily is going through the drama queen phase too. she’s completley overly dramatic about every little thing and the hormones havent even kicked in. i dont want to deal with two hormonal girls.
Melissa
You will still love that child-you’re just having a dream, an expectation explode in your face and it’s not at all enjoyable or fun. I dreamed of girls. If I would have ended up with a boy, I would have been crushed-at first. And then, I would have moved on. Just like I did when I become pregnant despite wanting no children. Just like I did when I was pregnant again 10 months later and I was scared and angry.
You worry you can’t love it. You worry that your storybook is ending. It’s not. It’s just changed.
I’m quite sure lots of people will want to throw the “you’re lucky you’re even able to have a child” lecture at you. Ignore them. We all have expectations of how we want our lives to look-vocalizing the one about gender with our children still never seems to be ok.
You’ll get there. For now, don’t feel guilty, don’t hate yourself because you aren’t feelihg all those “motherly” feelings about a butterfly in your belly. If you’ve got a high maintenence girl at home already, I understand your reticience. I TRULY do. 🙂
But it will be fine.
Melissa,
I didn’t find out what I was having before the birth (only because it wasn’t an option here). I wanted a girl so desperately (for a variety of reasons) – the question and the hope was always front of mind. When people would ask me what I was hoping for and I’d answer, “a girl”, I would invariable get, “I’m sure you’ll be happy with a boy as long as it is healthy.” Well of course I would survive and move on eventually – I would kind of have to, right? I got so many variations on the “you’ll be happy”, that I started to lie. I said I didn’t have hopes one way or the other. I felt such guilt for caring about something that other people deemed so unimportant.
I convinced myself about 5 months in that it was a boy, only because I didn’t want to be disappointed. People would tell me how they thought boys were the best, boys were easier, boys were more fun. I would be *so lucky* to have a boy. It seemed so ungrateful and taboo to say I had a preference.
When the held my baby up over the surgical curtain and announced it was a girl, I thought my heart would overflow. I was so surprised, so overjoyed….I couldn’t speak. I just cried.
I know I would have survived and adapted if I had a son. Eventually, the disappointment would’ve faded and I would’ve adjusted. Still….the guilt. The guilt of caring one way or another, the guilt that maybe I was just a horrible, ungrateful person, the guilt that no other mother seemed to feel the way I did. During pregnancy, every feeling was magnified, every emotion so intense. Hearing “you don’t really mean that” made me feel so ashamed, and lying and keeping it inside didn’t help either. Knowing that someone else felt the way I did would have helped me.
I have no doubt that you will adjust, that everything will be okay. In the meantime, it is okay to feel how you feel. I have no doubt there are many of us who feel or have felt the same way but were afraid to give their feelings voice.
When I was pregnant the first time, I was convinced it was a girl. I dreamed of a girl. I bought girl’s clothes. Even during delivery I was still convinced it was a girl and hadn’t allowed myself to think otherwise. The universe being what it is, I had a boy.
Pregnancy # 2, in my own head, I conceived a stupid bargain – namely, that if I just kept saying “I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy” that god? fate? would reward my selflessness and give me the girl I longed for. When my husband said “it’s a boy!” for the second time, I actually burst into tears and wailed “again?!” The L&D nurses were horrified.
It took me longer to get over it the second time. Even though I love my 2nd boy and can’t imagine life without him, I still mourn for the girl I’ve never met. My husband wants a third child and I keep telling him that if he could somehow guarantee me a girl I wouldn’t hesitate… but the thought of yet another boy fills me with dread even though I love my two with all of me and wouldn’t trade them. It’s a weird sort of dichotomy that I’m still trying to come to grips with.
I don’t know if any of this helped. But I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
Melissa,i am glad to see that u r still visiting the site. I am very sympathetic to your story as i said earlier it is very similar to mine. I know exactly how you feel about being upset that it’s a girl,of course in my case it was a boy ,i already have 2 girls. I just couldn’t imagine my life as a mother of a boy and beleive me i lost ALOT of nights lying awake just crying about it!! Let me ask you a question,do you want a boy because it’s what your husbands wants and you want to make him happy by giving him a boy? Or do you want a boy?When i would tell people i was having a boy and i wasn’t happy about it they would all say well at least he’s healthy and that i would love him just as much as the girls. I didn’t beleive them, when i went for one of those 3d ultra sounds and i saw my baby boy,his face his features his little nose and hands,all i could feel was hatred, i just hated him for not only being there but because he was a boy as well.I just couldn’t see past my fear and depression. How i felt at that very moment was most surely how i was going to feel when he was born. I couldn’t see it any other way. but like i said once he was born it all just melted away i couldnt beleive that i had all those horrible thoughts,i just instantly loved him to death. In the end as much as i wanted another girl i was sooooo happy that he was a boy. My husband as well has an easier time of dealing with things just as you say yours does,and alot of times i find myself wishing i could be more like him. But i am who i am i am human and we all have our flaws nobody is perfect,so try to give yourself a break your pregnant and your emotions are everywhere,your scared and that’s understandable but just beleive that IT WILL BE OK, you WILL fall instantly in love with your new daughter. The fear of the unknown is always scary just remember ike i said befor the way you feel now is not nessecaraly the way you will feel once she is born. Maybe you should read the brook shields book it helped me when i was going what you are going through. I too live in canada,montreal to be exact. where do u live? If you ever need someone to talk to just drop me aline here i check the site daily. Take care and remember it will all be ok i just know it will.take care.
,
Thank you for all the comments – it has taken me several hours to scroll down but I so glad that I’m not alone, I searched for “I cannot handle being a mother anymore” and the comments have definately helped me but also the conversation seem to have switched to really wanting one sex other another which is my current dilema. I have 2 boys and am not an earth mother, or at least the ideal that I had thought I’d miraculously become the second the kids were born, but for some reason I still want to do it again and I would love a girl. I miss my independence and as they get older (6 and 3) I am beginning to get it back. Have I just forgotten how much I hated being a mum ?
JENNY……I can tell you have no children………well during this time you wrote that note you didn’t have any. So DON”T YOU EVEN say BOO to any mother on this SITE if you have no idea what your talking about. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR OWN CHILDREN so zip it
LORI ??? I know , I am late getting to this site, I just found it today…..I am in the same boat….all my life I didn’t want kids. Now I had my first boy at 38 and second at 40……my marriage isn’t good at all, but for the same reasons, I had them cause he wanted kids. I swore all my life no way could I be a mom. The quilt is terrible, my stress is very high, my patients are terrible, I feel like running away, my head feels like its going to bust everyday, I have knots in my stomach all day, headaches, and sadness, depression, anxiety…..i knew it before that it wasn’t the plan…but I seen the time clock ticking and made a quick decision to do what I THOUGHT would be the right move.
I love my boys, i would die for them, my heart breaks daily when i think about them having me for a mother, i think they are better without me, i am lost, i don’t know who i am, i feel like you…….
I am so glad that I found this blog and that I am not alone in hell. I have two children and I thought that I loved being a mother until my second child was born. She is the complete opposite of my son and a total nightmare. She is constantly into everything. A two minute restroom break is more than enough time to destroy something in my home. Everyday I think about getting in my car and driving as far away as I can. The hardest part is that I have been a single mother since I was 4 months pregnant. He met someone out one night and ran off with her. I have been doing this all by myself every since. There are no breaks and what I hate most is when people judge you and tell you that things are going to get better. They conveniently overlook your cries for help. It’s almost like you are screaming in an empty forest. Those same people would be the first to say something negative if you just bolted out of town. I feel like I have ruined my life and then I feel like this awful mother for even thinking about leaving them.
ROB…..do you still check in? Hang in there buddy. Your post made me laugh for the first time in days. Thank you
I had a sneaking suspician motherhood wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
I am 37, married for almost a year, and 6 weeks pregnant. We actually planned the pregancy, and I was happy for about a minute when I found out. But I have spent the last 2 weeks crying my eyes out. Neither my husband nor I have parents or siblings to help us out with babysitting. We are middle-class and just bought a house, which has cost us an arm and a leg to decorate. We can SURVIVE, I suppose, on our salaries and given our debt loads, but I feel like my life is just starting! Last year we took a couple photography classes together, and hope to take more. I used to travel a lot for work, and miss it terribly. We both hate our careers, and I often fantasize about running away to Paris to become a designer. Why did we do this? I realize that I can forget phpotography classes, or ever having another career, or for that matter ever visiting Paris again. So I have made a very, very difficult decision, and I can’t believe my husband is not divorcing me for it: I am terminating the pregnancy in a few short days. I am extremely sad about this, but I would rather live with regrets for NOT having kids, then have a child and regret it. My mother–a single mom–was totally burdened by me, and she was often abusive. I am terrified that will be me. I feel like the world’s biggest bag of crap for doing this. My husband just says that he wants what I want. (He is very risk-tolerant, and can be happy with or without kids). He says that the most importnat thing to him is my happiness. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. And want to hear the absolute worst part?? This will be our second termination. About 8 months ago, I found out I was pregnant just about the same time we started to worry that my husband had a fatal genetic disease. He got tested, but the results would take 3 months to come in. I decided that I could not take the chance of having a baby who might also carry the fatal disease, then lose my husband to it, and have to be a single mom. So I terminated, felt like crap, but also felt that I had done the prudent thing. This time, I have no excuse. My husband’s test came back negative, thank G-D…and here we are again. I have no other excuse, other than I just don’t think I can do it.
My husband thinks it is just hormones talking. Could be. I just started taking antidepressants, but I still feel down. I sometimes think that the cure for depression is not drugs, but a lifestyle change. Maybe people are depressed for good reason. My therapist says that anti-depressants don’t actually work. I dunno…I’m taking them, just in case.
I have a few days before I terminate the pregnacy. I am in hell. Just need it to be over.
I think you’re doing the right thing for you Bella, and that’s what matters. But motherhood isn’t all horrible-it’s equal parts tired and worn and filled with awe and love. It’s like nothing else in the world.
If you know you can’t do it, that matters.
I don’t KNOW that I can’t do it, but I am AFRAID that I can’t do it. I have a dog that I love dearly, and he goes to “doggy daycare” three times a week, just because I can’t stand to rush home every day just to walk the dog. I love the dog, but I have had months where I really resented him, months when I had to rush home at lunch and right after work to walk him because I couldn’t afford a dog walker. I can only IMAGINE how much harder it is with a child. I love kids. Love to hold babies. Love the idea of teaching my kids to bake alongside me, the way my grandmother did with me. But this overwhelming sense that my life is over…it’s killing me. Yesterday I prayed for a bus to hit me so I wouldn’t have to go through this again. Suddenly, I understand what my mother went through with me. She was often very mean to me, but I see that she was overwhelmed and probably felt trapped, the way I do now. I worry that I will be just like her.
Sometimes being selfish isn’t a bad thing.
I felt exactly the same way. I decided to go ahead with my pregnancies, and honestly, despite a lot of hardships, it was the best thing I ever did.
Responsibility is a heavy thing, and there’s no shame in making a decision because you know that’s what you DON’T want. We’re trained that we should always want kids, to the point that it becomes hard to determine what we really DO want.
My take has always been that if what you envision contains more pain than joy, then don’t do it.
If more people stopped and thought about it, we’d likely have a lot less child abuse and kids in foster care.
Thordora–really? You were depressed too? What makes up for it?
My daughter hugging me right now and saying “Bestest Mommy ever”. Seeing myself in their eyes. Seeing the women they will be. Knowing that I’m raising two women who will one day change their world’s, if not THE world.
I never wanted kids, I don’t much like kids, and I never had. Pregnancy was accidental, and unwanted. Scary. I spent time crying, wondering what I would do.
Somedays suck. I’m tired, cranky, busy, and it sucks. But those days sucked before as well, because they were empty. I’ve sacrificed some things, but I’ll have them again. Time goes too fast.
Bella i thought the same way you did when i accidently got pregnant withmy third child. I was in hell!!! I wanted to die,i wanted to have a miscarridge i took 3 different antis and nothing worked . I had all these horrible vivions of what my life was going to be like. I hated the baby!!To make a long story short everything that i had invisioned never came to pass!! I am soo glad that my son is here. Yeah there are days where i wish i didn’t have kids and they drive me to my breaking point sometimes but the good far out weighs the bad. I look at it this way at least now i will have 3 kids to take care of me when im old!!! The decsion you are making is not an easy one,i wish you the best of luck.
I was going to send this email to my parents, who forced me into motherhood. I figured maybe I’d better share it here, first. Names are changed throughout.
Do you think this is okay to send to parents?
————–
Dad and Mom – There is more that I want to say, besides that previous email.
I feel anger and despair, and feel that I am literally going insane. I have been awake since 2:30 am, despite the fact that the previous night, I only slept 4 hours. I HATE BEING A MOTHER SO MUCH THAT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate having to wake up early even if I didn’t get any sleep in the middle of the night, because they’re yelling for me. I hate having to constantly serve them and try to force bite after bite into their mouths. I hate always having to meet their needs before my own. I hate leaving work earlier than I would like, to pick them up. I hate spending evenings with them – hate the rush of cooking while they’re constantly whining and demanding things. I hate spending weekends with them doing stupid irritating kid things that bore and frustrate me. I hate their disobedience and slowness and temper tantrums and meanness. I hate that John and I no longer have time and freedom to do everything we love. I hate feeling that my relationship with him is becoming worse and worse.
No, this is not just the momentary stress of John traveling right now. For at least the last two years, I have wondered whether it would be better to just divorce John so that I don’t have to spend any more time with the kids – to start my life afresh. I love John with all my heart and think he’s the best husband in the world. I just can’t stand the kids anymore. I don’t want to sacrifice HIM, but I hate motherhood with a passion. I cannot imagine living this hell for the next 16 years (till Laura goes to college).
Finally, I love you, but I am VERY angry at you for having forced motherhood down my throat. You remember that you forced me to sit down one day in Atlanta 5 years ago, while John was outside tending your garden, and you loudly and longly proclaimed that we had to have kids as soon as possible. You said that I needed kids, that I was getting old, that I would find it the best experience of my life. I trusted you and got pregnant. Now, looking back, I don’t think you really said that because you wanted me to be happy. You did it because you wanted grandchildren, not because you thought it would be good for me. Now I’m stuck in a situation of physical and psychological torture that I cannot ever escape, except for doing the one thing I don’t want to do: divorce.
Is that what you wanted?
Thank you everyone for listening to me and not judging me. Thank you so much. My husband doesn’t really understand, not emotionally, the guilt I am feeling right now. I think the biggest guilt of all is realizing that I am not the sort of woman who really wants kids. We are brought up to feel that a good woman is nurturing and caring and self-sacrificing, right?
…and I am praying for a sign before my appt. on Friday. I don’t even know how much I believe in G-D, but if any of you do, please say a little prayer for me, that I come to an answer I can live with.
Bella,
It sounds like you’re uncertain but very afraid — have you considered going through with the pregnancy with the option of adoption if you decide you do not want to be a mother?
It also sounds like you’re in therapy — that’s great. I hope your therapist is a good one, and if not, that you’ll be able to find someone good. I hope they help you work through the issues about parenthood and childhood all mixed up with the relationship you had with your mom.
Praying for a clear sign before your appointment.
Hi Marcy,
I could not adopt the baby out. Would kill my husband, and would likely turn all my family and friends against me.
My therapist is good–have been seeing him for 2 years. I have come a long way, in terms of my anxiety. I am a big worrier, always have been. But clearly not out of the woods….
BELLA….hi there, yeah were suppose to be brainwashed into this mother that is all that….REALITY CHECK…
LOL I try to be those but it’s impossible to be 24/7 x 365 x years
My husband doesn’t get it either. How could he, he gets to go to work, talk to adults, shit in the bathroom alone, not listen to waaa waaa, gimme, screaming etc over and over. God Forgive me if anything happened to my boys, I would want to hear them waaaaing etc.
I feel guilty as well, to much guilt.
Husband feels SFA, but he will feel something when I hand him divorce papers someday for being so …………… errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I’m curious to know if any of the people who wrote earlier about how awful mother hood is…are they still feeling that way? Sometimes I do wonder if this is just pregnancy hormones making me so depressed. Would love to hear from anyone who has changed their mind about motherhood. Also curious to know if the people who wrote in are largely stay-at-home moms.
Pregnancy hormones can have a huge effect – the first trimester, I was miserable and wondering what the hell I had got myself into.
Pregnancy hormones can have a huge effect – the first trimester, I was miserable and wondering what the hell I had got myself into. I started to feel like a normal person at about 15 weeks and I felt much more optimistic.
Cynthia,
And how do you feel about motherhood now? Is it reallly all a big myth, about how fulfilling it is?
It has absolutely been worth it. There were (and are) difficult times, but the good outweighs the challenging times to be sure. Some days I think maybe I’m not a “good enough” mother, but she makes me want to be a better person and my life is richer for having her.
Pregnancy was nothing like I expected, and parenting continues to be a surprise in so many ways. The things I worried about were not problems, things I had never considered were challenging. The baby period that everyone professes to love? I felt much more connected once she passed the eating/sleeping/pooping stage and was more interactive. I worried about getting sleepless nights and early mornings and nonstop crying – never happened. I never worried about breastfeeding – lots of problems.
Motherhood is unpredictable. Some days I wonder if I am fully qualified to do this job, but I honestly believe most parents fill this way.
I have a history of depression and expected to have more challenges. For me, having a therapist, psychiatrist and the possibility of medication was essential (you *can* take many medications during pregnancy). I took omega 3 throughout. Pregnancy was not a magical time for me but for many it isn’t sweetness and light. I just kept telling myself it was temporary.
Summary: Pregnancy sucked, everything was unpredictable, many anticipated problems were not, other challenges were surprising. This is the most important task I’ve ever taken on and sometimes that is overwhelming. For me, it was all worth it. Each day brings something new – sometimes unwelcome but usually good. I see the world through her eyes and everything is new.
I never changed my mind, and my oldest will be 5 in July, 2009..
Sigh…such a hard decision to make.
Bella, what did you decide and how do you feel today?
That Johnson & Johnson commercial “A Baby Changes Everything” really needs to be edited.
It should be changed to “A Baby Changes Everything For The Worst”.
i am so glad about the honesty on this sight, maybe if more people came out into the open about the reality of parenting, then maybe a lot of women could not only find support but save themselves the heartache of an irreversible mistake. Its time people stopped propagating myths and took a reality check. Yes i am child free, and i have experienced the whole have kids thing (which i do find offensive when you have already explained urself). But what is far more important is getting people to really think about what having children and being a parent means and if they feel they can cope with that. I think the issues here are really important and that its time they were introduced to the classroom, as part of sex education.
Also i would really like someone to explain to me why some parents are so dishonest about the reality of parenting, why dupe someone into it. If you want a child then surely the truth can only be helpful. Its not as though people aren’t gonna have kids anymore.
I found this post today after having a tough day with my boys. I feel so much of what has already been written. I found out i was pregnant with my first son on my 23rd birthday (surprise) and it was. especially since i had one foot out the door and was ready to leave my then boyfriend of 8 months and run back to the waiting arms of my ex fiance of two years. i was devastated. my ex told me to come back to him and we would raise the baby together but although i considered it i couldn’t handle the thought that if i had a child with my ex my firstborn might be treated like an unwanted house guest. so i sucked it up and pretended to be happy but no matter how much my boyfriend did for me it was never enough. but when my son was born everything changed i loved him and i suddenly appreciated my husband. (we got married because i didn’t want to have a baby out of wedlock) well everything was good until about a two months after my sons first birthday when i found out i was pregnant with baby number two . It was too soon i wasn’t even sure i wanted another one, but alas it was too late so i convinced myself that it was a girl and i would be done having kids. i went to the doc and she said it’s a BOY. are you kidding ? so i hated him and my husband for the first trimester but i got over it . when he was born i loved him so much. now they are 3 and 15 months and i am a SAHM who somedays feels like looking up my ex and starting a new life. but luckily the feeling passes when the little one dances or the older one says thank you without being prompted. somedays it is really good and others are really bad. but take heart ladies we are all doing the best we can.
Thordora, I just read your original post at the top again. I’ve come back to this page many times and read the comments, but not your original post again till now.
It’s beautiful. It captures exactly how I feel.
I wonder if it will ever get better, or if it will always be this difficult. I wonder if I will ever get over regretting what I have lost: the beautiful, happy, simple, exhilarating life with my husband – childfree. It is the regret of that lost life that I find most agonizing. The thought of what could be. It’s been 4 years and I still haven’t been able to let go of that regret. Will it ever happen?
Somedays it’s there, somedays it’s not. THe important thing is to find what YOU need. I’ve been off work, and I’m realizing I’d be a terrible SAHM, because it’s not what I need.
Somedays are hard. THey just are.
I return here 14 months later and see all the posts. Wow Thordora, could you ever have anticipated the responses?
He is 22 months now. I like him a lot better now that he can tell me what he needs. I still feel as though this isn’t my calling though. I won’t have another. But I will try and make this one as happy as he can be. It is not his fault that I overestimated my abilities.
I hope that he never resents me, or blames me. I do want to be a good mom. That tends to be my problem. I want to be a perfect mom and it just doesn’t go that way.
We all had the option to make another decision. But here we are and it is life’s challenge. Deal with it. Life is about balance. Do good. It will make sense eventually.
Motherhood is like painting the largest room in the world. The end vision keeps you going. You plod along because you know it will look better when you are done. But along the way the paint can spills, the brushes fall apart, your arms get tired and the fumes get to you. And you are never sure that you will make it…get it done. but you will. And in the end, the room will be painted and it will be anti-climatic because all of the struggles to get there were really the reason why the room had to be painted. And if those don’t break you, then you will see why you finsihed the job.
Good Luck everyone.
I love my kids so much. I am a single mom….
I have chronic depression and bipolar.
I am not a happy person…….
I do not want the kids to grow up, as many have pointed out, to know their mother as a troll as one person had described it. I feel so embarrassed about it but, I don’t even like to play with them….does anyone have these feelings? I don’t even want to play with my own children. I have power struggles with my 9 yr old girl. She rules the roost. If it is not her way, we all hear it, especially my sensitive 12 yr old boy – who also is very defiant if he does not get his way.
I end up crying at times and have to explain to them….
I used to drink A LOT to numb myself and deal with them – not drunk – just mellow… now I do not do that.
I nap. When they leave in the AM I nap…..to get enough energy to argue with them in the evening.
I love my children and try so so so very hard to be a good mom. I tell them how proud of am of them – for certain things that they have done. I always tell them I love them, cuddle with both at night. I try my best to explain that we have to work on this as a family. There is only the 3 of us.
Their father is a cop and does take them for a week as we have joint custody, bi-weekly. Which is great for me – then I can clean (hate it) pay bills and do household things, also take care of my mother. My father died Sept 08…he was the only man I truly trusted and I lost him….
I just feel lost and alone most times…..Single motherhood is crappy, lonely and stressful to the point of breaking!
God help us all as we travel thsi road and experience all of livees trials and tribulations. I say this prayer for all of us!
I’ve always wanted children.When I got pregnant with my first I was happy.I started feeling down towards the end of the preganancy.After he was born he was a very diffucult baby.He is 3 now hes getting better as he gets older.I still have those moments when I feel like Im getting close to the edge.My second baby was born almost a year ago.At first I wasn’t sure I even wanted a baby.After having such a hard time with the first.I think Im a lot more patient with my girl then I was with my son.She wasn’t as hard as my little boy was.I do love them the same very much.My son was just a lot more harder then my daughter.My signifiant other does help out with the cleaning.I don’t really get much of a break from the kids though.Lately has been really good with my kids.But today was one of those days my son did not want to listen to me.Right after I asked him not to do something he done it anyway.It just drives me crazy when he does not listen to me.
Oh my Siginfigant other has been getting mad at me about not spending enough time with him but after the kids go to bed and I finish the household chores Im not in a very lovey dovey mood.I really want more ME time.This really is another rant about something else.But I want to know if anyone else feels like this with your husband.
I don’t know of a family who DOESN’T go through that ALicia.
For so long I’d just get mad-then something changed and now we talk, and I leave the lists he needs and instructions and LO! things get done. 🙂
It’s a HUGE learning curve that no one ever warns us about.
Does anyone know if Bella is doing ok? Bella if you still check in how are things going? Alicia I used to feel the same way with my husband. But oddly enough it gets better. Some days I am really tired but it helps to rekindle that flame. My hubby and I try to have sex atleast twice a week so we can remember we are not just parents , i mean there was something there before. I just had to stop thinking of sex as my obligation and remember that once upon a time I liked it. So now I bathe the boys and he dresses them and gets them ready for bed and we both hand them off to the sandman. Then we make time for eachother. To all those who are still struggling please be strong , it’s so hard to be a parent but honestly I can’t think of anything more rewarding. Today was a good day. Goodnight and God bless.
I’m with everyone who googled “I don’t like being a mother” and I also cried when I read everyone’s replies. My kids are 5.5 and 3.5. I’m a stay at home mom and I have cried almost the whole time, thinking I am not fit to be a mother.
I have a wonderful husband who is supportive but nobody else to talk to. If I mention how I’m not “me” and that I yell and scream and can’t smile anymore, I get ridiculous advice like, “Well, find a job” or “get a hobby…” or “be patient…” and as much as they want to help, NOTHING HELPS!
It’s a constant mess, constant food requests, constant fighting, and I’ve realized my hypersensitive personality is not at its best being a mother to young kids. I do have good days and I do try to appreciate my kids but sometimes I am so overwhelmed and so sick and tired of having to watch them ALL THE TIME. I have no time for anything I want to do that “feeds my soul” unless I resort to plopping them in front of the TV.
I dread when they start to want to have other friends over because I am not the “neighborhood mom” who loves having kids over. I want to escape ALL the time from having to watch kids or deal with them. Of course I don’t – I can’t. But I want to!
I love them dearly and yet I struggle with my sanity. I want to wake up every day knowing I’m doing something I love and also having a balance with something I truly love and having a family. But I don’t have a balance – I’m at home with kids all day (when my kindergartner isn’t at school, and in the summer) and that is not what I love to do.
I have always felt that it was “evil” to think that way but I’m realizing I made choices to please other people and not myself. I had kids because “that was the thing to do” and I didn’t follow what my heart was telling me – that given my personality type, I’d be better off not having kids.
I try so hard to focus on my good mothering qualities. It’s hard. Reading this makes me finally realize I’m not alone. I really don’t like the friends and neighbors around me who have to have the answer for everything. It seems that I will never meet anyone who can be truthful about how they feel. Or maybe they are being truthful – there are some mothers who LOVE the chaos and hearing “MOMMY!” “I want something to eat!” all day long.
I am still so upset about everything. I feel guilty when I admit that being a stay at home mom is just not fulfilling my soul – because I also don’t do well in the workplace, either. I have 2 hobbies – doing nails and reading. But I can’t work for anyone because – well, it’s just not me. Too restricting…And yet, I’m not happy being a SAHM. So it’s a dilemma only I can solve (because if I ever mention a bit of how I feel, people just don’t understand why I can’t solve it – why I can’t just “go get a job if I don’t want to be at home…”)
At least here everyone understands how I feel because you all feel the same way. As we speak I have the kids running in circles, screaming and fighting. So I better go.
Wow. I never realized how many people there are who feel EXACTLY as I do. Kathy, you described my ‘right now’. I thought I was completely alone. I googled the words, in an attempt to find an answer.
I am having a hard time dealing with my life, and almost purchased a condo in another town today. I am packed and ready to go. I lost my confidence, before finalizing the deal. I can’t understand why. I know my kids will benefit from my absence.
Reading a post by Jenny in 2007, I know that she feels as my kids will, if I don’t do something. SOMETHING.
I have days where I love my daughters. They are 6 and 8. I’ve made a large enough crater for them to start feeling as Jenny did growing up.
I wish I knew what to do. I’m so scared.
I can at least feel some sense of comfort knowing that I am NOT alone.
Hi Mica,
Thanks for asking about me. Yeah, I’m ok, but it has been a hard sad two months since I made the decision to terminate my pregnany. On an intellectual level, I think I did the right thing. We are really up to our eyeballs in debt and can’t afford for me to take mat leave, nor can we afford day care. The only alternative would be to sell our home and go back to renting a small crappy apartment (we live in a major city). I guess I’m selfish, cuz I don’t want to do that. Also don’t want to sell my house in this market. I want to have a baby only if I know I can give it a fair shot at a good life. Maybe I have thought about this for too long. I am 38 this year, have a couple Master’s Degrees, a decent job….I guess I keep thinking of how much I have to lose. I wish I could know for sure if the joys of having a child will make up for those losses. My mother wanted me, then resented me. I am afraid I will be the same way. A baby isn’t just a cute toy–it is another human being with their own will. It’s hard t admit all this. I have told it to my husband, and I’m not sure he gets it.
My best friend just announced that she is pregnant. We would have been 6 weeks apart. It kills me. I always thought we would have our babies together.
I wish I lived in Denmark–they get like 3 years mat leave, paid, plus subsidized health care.
Kathy: If there’s anything we moms gain from this website, it’s the knowledge that we’re not alone. And yet, so many of us still feel the need to apologize and to reassure everyone: “I’m really not a bad mom,” “I’m really not abusive”… WHY? We know that. We know motherhood (and fatherhood) sucks. Just as not everyone loves his job, but that doesn’t mean that he’s a slacker.
I think if we make it more public and open that parenthood is hard, and oftentimes just awful, then MUCH of our parenting angst will disappear. Surely we commenters are not the only parents who feel this way. We’re just, frankly, more honest than others who feel the need to keep BS-ing.
It’s only if we’re brave enough to get the message out in public that parenthood frankly sucks that we can begin to do something about it. Betty Friedan was scoured when she published “Feminine Mystique,” yet look at how we women have benefited as a result. I can’t say for sure I know how parents will benefit by our being honest about dissatisfactions… but we together as a society can figure that out. It just requires someone to be honest.
Thordora, how about writing a book? 😉
Oh my where to start. I came across this page like everyone else by googling “don’t want to be a mum anymore” thought probably unlike alot of people/everyone else it was only after trying “Leaving your children”. I’m a mess, so much so that even forming these coherant sentances is difficult, I just want to scream out all my feelings.
I’ve just turned 21 and I have a 6 month old boy. He wasn’t planned, but he’s here, dispite our use of contraceptive. I think thats why I feel the way I do. I didn’t want children, neither did my partner. But unlike me, he is happy about being a dad, he plays, he laughs, he talks about our son even when he’s upstairs in bed and we are spending the 10 mins before we have to go to bed, just sitting. I want to grab him and tell him to shut up! I want him to know how angry I get having to spend ALL DAY looking after a baby that doesn’t even start to feel like mine. It feels like I’ve been invaded for 9 months only for this thing to cause me undiscribable pain.
I have it better then most (or worst from my own personal point of view), we live with my partners parents. All I have to do is laundry/dishes/hoovering/keeping the house clean and tidy. But its a massive house and I dream of the day I get my own, at 1/3 of the size… So, when I try to give my partner some hint towards how I feel his answers are very …. textbook. “We are lucky we dont have to pay for a mortgage” “Our parents didn’t have it this easy” “You should be happy you can have children” “If you aren’t happy do something about it”
That last one really gets to me, I think about just packing and leaving everyday. As soon as the last person leaves the house to go to work and its just me and my son, I am in hell. I can’t even relate to some people here when they say, “I feel horrible but my children are my world to me”. I look at my son, and if it hadn’t been for the fact I was actaully the one giving birth, I would tell you he isn’t mine. There are no feelings when I look at him. He’s cute yeah, but most babies are. The only feelings that relate towards him are resentment, anger, depression. And those times are the worse. I cry, and cry and cry right up until I hear the key in the door and someone yells, “I’m home!” I got a break the other month, spent a whole week at my parents house (they live 2 hrs away) just me, my parents and my older sister. I smiled for the first time in months there. As the week went on they asked me if I missed my son and I said without thinking “No”. It hurt them. Not only the response but the genuiness of my indifference to my son. I am not this type of person, I was happy and I cared about other peoples feeling. Now I’m just this witch that as soon as my partner walks in the door I unload our son into his arms and walk away.
I miss being me, having free time, having a job, having plans, having friends, having more then 3 hours of sleep every night. I get crazy thoughts like “I wish I had been infertile” and after accepting that that is a horrible thing to think i move onto – “I should get strerilized”.
I just feel so alone, I’m trapped and there is nothing I can do, if I gave him up for adoption, my relationship with my family, my partner and his family would be over. No one forgives a mother for leaving her children, she is a soul-less stain on mankind for breaking the divine unwritten law.
Oh Danielle. I am so sorry. I think you’re right that you have it the “worst,” because you don’t feel as free complaining about motherhood if you live with “in-laws”. You WOULD feel more free complaining if you and your partner were living in your own home, which I’ve done with my husband – and he has picked up much of the slack of childrearing as a result.
Is your partner someone with whom you’d like to stay for the rest of your life? If so, you might consider saving for a house or apartment. If not, then it may sound crazy, but I really do think you could consider “finding yourself” on your own for at least a while, while your partner, his parents, and your parents look after the baby.
You are NOT alone, and people are more understanding than you’d expect, even if they may act shocked at the beginning. I’ve been a mom for ~5 years now. It took me a LONG time to come clean with my husband, parents, sister, and friends that I find motherhood nearly intolerable. My parents have offered to take the kids for a while, but we won’t let them because they’re physically frail. Otherwise, we would.
So, putting up your son for adoption is NOT your only option. Others could pick up the slack while you take time to heal, recover, regroup, and find yourself. It just takes your being honest. You can do it! We are rooting for you.
Any other parents out there hate weekends, too?
The kids made my morning absolute hell, as if it weren’t enough to have the flu and pinkeye (from them and their daycare buddies of course) at the same time.
When my older one was saying a few moments ago that she loved Sundays, I let it slip out: “I love Mondays.” She kept asking: “Why Mommy? Why do you love Mondays?” By that point, I was so close to exploding that I almost said, “Just so I can get away from you.” But of course that’s not what I said. Just some bs about how Mondays are such nice days and they’re named after the moon.
I searched “I hate being a mother” and found this blog. Danielle, I sympathize completely. Our society vilifies parents who don’t like being parents. I think we deserve a bloody medal for doing it in spite of hating it.
There are ridiculous myths about motherhood, how wonderful and rewarding it is. It’s hard work, and there’s nothing wonderful about it. For those who like it, fine. For those who don’t, it’s a horrible road.
I was three years married when I got pregnant. I figured that having kids would be pleasant enough…HA! My husband decided right off that he was going to be the old fashioned kind of father who left everything up to the mother. He treated me horribly when I was pregnant, insisting that my having the baby was my choice, so anything that went with it was my problem. Admittedly, he was/is an asshole. The trouble is, I had no idea he was such an asshole until I became pregnant, and he began behaving so! Who can plan ahead for that?
The birth was awful. Few women talk about how horribly embarassing and humiliating giving birth can be. Total strangers rummaging around in my body like I was some kind of grab bag. Eventually, the strangers in gloves who didn’t see any reason why I might be uncomfortable with their treatement of me threw a steaming infant onto my belly. I looked at it and felt nothing. It was still attached by a cord, so I knew it was mine, but I felt only sadness.
Society blames mothers for this. It never seems to occur to the world that we don’t CHOOSE to feel nothing for our baby. Indeed, it would be much nicer if we COULD fall totally in love with it…but some of us just don’t. We are told that we will. Nobody, not doctors, not family, not therapists, nobody wants to hear that.
We have to pretty much jettison everything we have ever been, had or wanted to do because we now have a child, and the child must be cared for. Society expects us to happily bear the loss, or not even notice, because we are supposed to be so happy with our child. It doesn’t ‘twork that way.
Something that is never ever addressed anywhere that I’ve seen is that children are born with a personality all their own. Some kids are NOT nice. They aren’t loving or fun or full of wonder. Some are bossy, mean, selfish, critical and spiteful. I got one of those.
As a newborn, she screamed nonstop. I nursed her every hour as she grabbed handfuls of my flesh, twisting until I was bruised. I felt no rush of maternal joy, just a feeling of being trapped and having my need for modesty completely destroyed as this creature demanded constant access to my body.
She was a joyless, unsmiling, angry child by nature. Once she could walk, she chased me, screaming to be nursed. She wasn’t hungry, but she was so territorial that she believed my breasts were hers. She often would insist on holding onto one while she did other things like playing with toys or falling asleep. It got to the point that I would try to avoid her, even hiding in my own house to avoid the screaming demands. Mind you. she didn’t want ME, she wanted the breast, shouting “MY ninny! MY ninny!”. She didn’t even like me, rarely making eye contact, pushing me away and shrieking when I tried to pick her up.
As she grew older, she refused to follow directions, intentionally broke things, laughed at the discomfort of others, lied habitually, you name it. People told me a toddler could not be that difficult. They did not have my empty-eyed devil of a child.
I had a second child when the first was still young enough so that I didn’t know just how bad it would get. The younger child was more normal, but I had to constantly protect her from her older sister. I could not enjoy my younger child because the older was jealous. She would fly at me, pounding me and the baby with her fists shouting “MY ninny!” if she saw me nursing the baby. She didn’t want me to talk to or read to or play with HER, but she attacked, screaming “NO! Put her down!” any time I tried to interact with my new one. I would invite her to join in and she’d say “NO.” Controlling beast.
They’re teens now. Therapy, doctors, all of that has been tried. There’s no cure for simply being a horrible person. My younger child never had a chance because her older sister was always so abusive, intrusive and mean. The youngest wants to go to boarding school because the older one is so abusive, starting rumors and telling lies to make sure that the youngest has trouble making friends. Oldest often tells youngest that her fondest wish is to “see you dead in a casket. If you died, I could have more clothes and my own room. I wish you were dead”.
Youngest, being more normal, is heartbroken by this.
Of course, their father left when they were under three years, and I haven’t remarried (not for lack of trying). The father refuses to take them for any part of the year. I hate the oldest, and can’t wait for her to be on her own. For now, I’m stuck. I haven’t money to ship her off to school or some other ‘program’ that will get her out of my hair and make the youngest’s life easier.
Youngest is no picnic either, lying, making messes, skipping school, etc. I suspect she suffers from the abuse from her sister, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I hate being their mother. Hate it. I often think of suicide just to get away from them both. I look at the chances I have had for employment, education, other things, but I always had to provide for them while they treated me like dirt, messing up the house, breaking things my hard earned money bought, shaming me so with their screaming and fighting that the landlord asked me to find other housing because he couldn’t have “such carrying on disturbing other tenants”. It’s been hell, and still, people tell me that if I were a better mother, they wouldn’t behave so.
Why doesn’t anyone say “Good god woman! You’ve survived this singlehandedly and supported them with only high school education. You deserve a medal!”
Nope.
Last week, my own mother told me “You favor the younger one….THAT’s why the older is so hostile!”. Oh, it’s all my fault? Thanks, Mom.
I think often of the peace death would bring. And if I were a ghost, I’d greatly enjoy watching them do without me and my paycheck and the roof I keep over their heads and the food I put in their mouths.
I hate being a mother.
Suzy — I found so much comfort in reading your post. I have a daughter, 12, much like yours. She had tantrums from 15 months to 4 yrs. (constantly screaming for me to hold her), some lasting for hours, and then some really awful ones beyond that, breaking lamps, throwing her mattress across the room, threatening to jump out of the 2nd story window. She has a brother who is 9 with whom she got along until about two years ago, now they wish death upon each other. She is a poor student with low self esteem. She seems always angry, especially when her brother is present.
I got divorced two years ago–nothing to do with the kids, and now I find myself googling “i don’t want to be a mother anymore” So glad I found some support. Fortunately I have joint custody with a lot of time without them. Enough time to find a job for which I have no self esteem since I haven’t worked in 15 years because I gave up my career to stay home with them.
It’s so much easier to find a husband to take care of me…but why would I make that mistake again…plus once they got to know my daughter, who would want to live with it. And she’ll likely get worse.
Most of the time, I hate being a mother too. It’s 90 percent work and 10 percent joy.
We can only take one day at a time. The best remedy for us seems to be when I can find one-on-one time with each child where I have nothing else to do but listen and play. We will not see the rewards for decades….unless/until we need a kidney. 🙂
I’m 38. I used to have a life. I don’t anymore. I can’t blame a baby because, I know it’s my responsibility to create a life I enjoy. But, how do you find time when the baby needs so much? And, her needs are all very important — food, to be changed, to be held and loved….my need to get out or to go exercise or whatever just doesn’t compare to her more basic needs. I did want to be a mom, and I even hoped for a girl; but I didn’t know that there would be no room for me in my life anymore. I remember my mom crying a lot when I was growing up, usually when my brother would fight and fight non-stop. She’d even lock herself in the bathroom and cry. I used to think she was a bit unbalanced. Now I know she was completely sane. To give some perspective on my issue, my little girl was a 1lb 4 oz preemie who stayed in the NICU for 3 months. Even after coming home, we had to keep her on isolation for another two months. The nurses warned us when we brought her home that she might scream for about two months straight. She did. She’s 7 months old now, but we’ve only had two “normal” months where she’s generally happy and we can go outside with her. Maybe I would have liked this whole thing better had we not gotten off to such a rough start, but it’s been tough. My husband and I aren’t handling it well. We’ve both been put on anti-depressants and we take out our stress on each other. We have no one else to take it out on. I wonder if our marriage will survive which is a shame because we really were very happy before all this happened. Unlike other moms on this site, I have not yelled at my little girl except once. I saw in her eyes that I’d hurt her, and I decided never to do it again. (My own mother has never yelled at me, so it’s easy for me to not yell at my child. My mom actually used to get very quiet and almost whisper when she was serious/angry and somehow that is very powerful.) I work from home which makes the isolation worse, I think. I don’t go “to work” and have friends to have lunch with like my husband does. A whole week can pass and I don’t leave the house except to walk laps around the neighborhood with the baby and the dogs (which is never, ever any fun because she’s either crying of the dogs are yapping and pulling on their leashes.) Anyway, there’s nothing to do but wait 17 1/2 more years and hope, gradually, things become more tolerable. But, the truth is I am in shock right now at the life I lost and am trying to figure out what exactly to do with the life I am left with. I do love her, my husband, and my dogs. I just feel like I don’t exist anymore.
Heather, you sound like you’ve got potential for your situation to turn around. Soon your girl will be crawling, and then walking, and her personality will come out more. Your options for taking her out will broaden. Her naptimes will condense so that your day will have a more normal routine. Start exercising now — do it while she’s in her exersaucer or bouncy thing or playpen — do a video at home. It’s not the same, but it’ll get you moving. If you can find an exercise buddy, so much the better. I take my toddler to a friend’s house — the kids play while we do the video. Hang in there — and hold onto that husband. Glad you’ve got some meds to help, but consider some talk therapy, too — can help you and hubby adjust your expectations and plan ways to stay connected and cope better.
Marcy – Thanks for the comments. It helps just to know someone is listening and is sympathetic. I have never felt so desperate and despondent in all my life as I have these last few months. I have cried and cried and half of my hair (and my husband’s hair too) has gone gray from the stress.
I took her out today, just to go somewhere, and it went better than I thought. Although the germ paranoia (doctor said, when we first brought her home, “If she catches a cold, she’ll wind up back here in the hospital”) still hasn’t faded. I’m working on it. But, I have to go outside, and so does she, so it’s time to make myself move forward.
Your idea of being with other moms was good. I just didn’t know how. The local kiddie gym has classes for 4-10 month olds, and I’m thinking of signing up once a week so I can get out and meet some other moms. Maybe I’ll meet someone I can exercise with too. I found the info, about the baby classes at the gym, by accident today, so I thought I’d write about it in case it helps anyone else. I need to get the bleepedy out of this house at least once a week before I go totally bonkers.
Today, actually, I’m in a better place than I am 99% of the time. Frankly, I’m almost never happy (understatement of the year) but I got in a few naps over the last two days. I really think just simply getting enough sleep has helped tremendously. I don’t feel like I’m going to snap or like I hate being a mother….for today at least. Tommorrow? Who knows…
I’m 30 years old. My son will be 6 months old next month. I just want to pull every single hair out of my head. He is ALWAYS crying. He NEVER sleeps anymore. He takes a nap for about 20 minutes and that’s IT. I never have time for anything!!!! Some days I don’t even have time to brush my teeth. I lost my job two weeks after I found out I was pregnant and still have not had any luck finding anything. Which of course now, when do I EVER have time to look for a job??? I’m single, so I do most of it alone. My mom comes to help me sometimes, but she can only help so much. Of course, I don’t expect her to.
I never wanted kids, ever. When I was a teenager, I wanted a hysterectomy so bad!!!! I NEVER wanted to be a parent. I feel like my life is completely over. I can’t take him anywhere or do anything. It’s not like I can play with him or at least run around in the yard with him, if nothing else. He just lays around and cries all the time. How do people do this??? Why do people do this over and over??? I don’t get it. I am miserable 99% of the time. I have never been this miserable and isolated in my entire life. My friends who have kids are happily married and they just LOVE their marriage and being a parent. My friends who don’t have kids have wonderful careers and interesting things going on with their lives. I have neither. I have absolutely nothing going for me. This just sucks! It sucks BIG TIME! I so can’t wait until he’s older, so we can at least run around and be active together, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to hold on to my sanity long enough.
I used to go to work, I would work out when I came home. I was in such awesome shape. I kept my hair done, make up on. I meditated and did yoga. I had so much inner peace and I had it all together. All of that is gone. It’s all gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever regain it. I’m this hollow shell of the bright vibrant woman with a promising future that I used to be. I’m a mess. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally…….I’m a MESS!!!!! I know it is not his fault. I was stupid one night and now I will pay for my stupidity for the rest of my life. His dad comes once a week and takes him for a few hours. Heh, must be nice to be a parent whenever it’s convenient. It’s just so unfair! We were BOTH stupid that night. Why am I the one doing all the suffering? He still comes and goes as he pleases. He goes out and parties with his stupid friends. I don’t want to party. I just want to be able to go out to the freakin’ mall or something every once in a while, without having to tug along a screaming banshee!
Sometimes I just want to either run away and never come back or I want to crawl into a hole and DIE! I mean, what do you do with an infant? Change their diapers, feed them? What else is there to do? Why can’t kids just be born knowing how to walk and talk. That sure would make things easier. He screams, I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I speak English, I don’t speak WAHHHHHHH! I do everything that I know to do and it’s still not enough! If I know he is not hungry or needs to be changed and I have done everything I can think of to pacify him, I put him in his playpen, put on my headphones, blast music and just let him cry. I don’t know what else to do! After you try everything, you have to tune out or you will go crazy…..well CRAZIER!! Sometimes I wish I could just die and start over with a new life. *sighs*
Sophie,
I have honestly felt everything you said. Especially, the paragraph that started with “I used to go to work….”
I could have written that paragraph myself.
For me, my daughter will be 8 months in a few days and it’s sooooooo much better than 6 months. I hope the same will be true for you. She grew up a little – and quit crying ALL the time. I got a little more sleep. That helped more than anything! I highly recommend sleep; however you can get it. I’ve also changed a little. I put on the music I like in the morning and sing while I feed her breakfast. It’s better than not getting to listen to music at all. I let her watch Little Einsteins as much as she wants which winds up being 1-2 hours a day. (I said I’d never let the TV babysit my kid. HA! I’d shave my head if it would pacify her for an hour.) I’ve bought every toy I can think of — bumpo seats, jumper, bouncer, swing, tummy time mat (looks like a surf board and works really well). You can get these things used for a fairly reasonable price. It alleviated her boredom and cut down on screaming in our case. I’ve also changed my expectations. I’ve accepted that she is a very verbal (screaming) type of kid. they told me this in the hospital. I’ve accepted that I’m not going to be fit, vibrant or in matching clothes with my hair, nails and makeup done for a looooooooong time. That was hard on me. I pretty much look like a bum all the time. I wonder if I’ll ever be the old me again. I have to admit, I don’t think so. But, right now, definately not. It’s a sad loss. It’s like the death of my old self and everything I knew about who I was, and liked, and how I wanted to spend my time. Gone. But, I keep minimum standards for myself. I will brush my teeth every day even if she has to lay there for a minute and scream while I do it. I will take a shower every other day (at least). I will go to important doctors appointments for myself. There are other things, I’ve had to let go though. I’ve not checked the answering machine in 6 weeks, for example, and haven’t called friends in forever. And, that’s just the tip of the iceburg. If it does’t relate to food, health, or sanitation, I probably won’t have time for it.
I’m trying to think of this as a challenge for all the meditation I did while practicing Yoga. (Yes, I did that too, just like you.) If I can’t remain calm in the middle of a storm, then what good was all the meditation? Every day I don’t lose it is an exercise in true meditation and is a success.
Good Luck with everything. And, I hope in my attempt to write back, I haven’t been annoying. I also hope that month 8 is better than 6 for you too.
Heather
I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad to have found this thread…
Can I add that being a Mother is sometimes lonely?…:( If I had a cheering section in my home, I think i’d be more patient, loving, kind etc…LOL
I LOVE my girls, but they can suck every inch of my life out of me. I often wonder if I have PMDD?
I have an amazingly supportive husband. He’s just the best thing ever, but he’s been gone due to an internship in New Mexico. It’s been extra hard this summer without him. I know there’s an end in sight, but it won’t make next month go any faster…
SIGH
I am so glad I found this site and these messages. I have been feeling like a horrible mother because I feel like I have lost “me” and sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. My life has not turned out the way I had planned, I never had the career I was planning and I never will unless we move far away to a different city, which is not going to happen. Instead, I have the life I never wanted and swore I would never have. Most days I just look forward to the kids (I have 3) going to bed at night so I have peace. We are all alone with no family and no help and sometimes it all gets too overwhelming and I just want to get away. I wish that I had family to turn to for some relief but we are on our own. With our finances we cannot afford babysitters so that my husband and I can get away and the house feels suffocating at times. I am a stay-at-home mom and I hate it because I hate mess and I despise housework but, with 3 kids, there is so much to do. No-one seems to appreciate anything I do and I feel like I am a slave to my kids, a slave they take for granted. I was someone once and I liked who I was but my kids will never see that person, never understand who I really am. There are days I want to run, days when I hate my children and, at the same time, love them more than anything. Thank God I am not alone and that my feelings are normal. Thank you to all the moms here.
I feel I too am at my very wits end. My life has been awful, since the birth of my son a year and a half ago. I already have a two year old daughter, who had a rough start, but I never imagined how bad it would be to have a 2nd child. He has been a nightmare basically from day 1, horrible colic that lasted for months, now that he’s older he has gone back to sleeping horribly, sometimes being awake in the middle of the night for hours. He is hypersensitive, and cries over every little thing. If he gets “too” worked up he vomits everywhere, there is really no consoling him. It is the worst experience, and I really fear that if my life doesn’t change, I will completely flip out, and do something awful to myself. I have recently thought of overdosing, just to get away from my kids. I have been unemployed for almost 7 months and I NEVER wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I had no choice, and feel that I have been forced to endure this nightmare ever since. I’m not saying I don’t love my kids, but it is so hard to love someone that keeps you up basically all the time, and then if they are “overtired” they also have “night terrors”, which is worth hours of fun. I cry so much, and get so angry that sometimes I scare myself, it’s like I have no control, and just want to jump in the car and drive far, far away, and never come back. I know that I sound like a horrible person, but I have no life, no money, no friends that are close enough to hang out with, all I have is the kids day in and day out….EVERYDAY. My husband works so he’s lucky to get a break everyday, I don’t. I am so sad, and depressed, and secretly hope that I get sick so that I can be gone for a while. I am continuously losing weight because I don’t or can’t eat, I am so depressed sometimes I can’t see straight. I am so scared….and I feel that God is punishing me, and I don’t understand why. I guess I am not the only woman going through this, and just want my kids to growup, because to be honest, it’s not been rewarding, it’s been awful, and I really feel that I am a horrible mother. Really, all I want is some sort of life for me again, and I have almost given up on ever finding a job. So, I guess until I do find a job, I get to be the lucky one to endure this hell longer. Thanks for listening..
Stephanie,
You shouldn’t have to suffer the depression that you are suffering. Please talk to a doctor about how you are feeling because it sounds like you need help and support. You need to take your life back so that you can cope with all the stress and pressure of being a mom.
Carolyn
Staphanie,
I agree with Carolyn. Talk to a professional, medical or otherwise. I just found this site and am so with you guys, but you sound like you need more than to just “sound off”. Don’t worry, we are with you. I have to read inspirational prayers to get me through the day sometimes.
Abby
I just found this site and im glad i did because i relate so much on this thread and many more 😦 Its hard to explain to so called ‘norm’ folk how u really feel at times.Coz its hard and u worry what people will thinkof u to have theses thoughts and feelings,scary infact but ditto to us all here.
To explain something u really have no idea really urself is hard bloody work and the part with having children too.
Who some days i wake up and think eugh i just want to go back to sleep and never wake up coz i just cant be bothered with it anymore.
To be depended on 24/7 cook wash clean shop listening to crying from 19month old and being mithered for a drink by 7yr old ect,gets pretty damn exhausting.
You see i have a stronger connection with baby but not the elder one try dealing with that? 😦
But dopnt get me wrong m life on the other hand would be worthless without my darlings,they are what keep me in this shitty place,when i get real down on my my roller coaster!!
Anyway sorry for rambling prob makes no sense but does to me lol tc all x
Wow…wow, wow,wow. All of these posts just blow me away because everyone has been so honest and brave about saying how they really feel. My kids are now 6 and 9 and it has gotten much easier than those early years. Those early years were terribly hard and depressing. So much drudgery, endless work, loss of self, loss of spark to life, loneliness, and hopelessness. My kids wore me out-the incessant 24/7/365 responsibility just never let up for years on end. It was brutal at times. It killed my first marriage and we ended up divorcing. I met a man without kids and five years older than me and we started a friendship over several months which led to more…I desperately needed him b/c he was this oasis apart from my kids and husband. We met at the gym while I was still married but on the brink of separation. I threw myself into working out all of the time b/c it really helped get me out of the 5 year funk I had been in. I was tired of feeling like a lactating cow especially b/c my ex- hired lots of cute young 20-something women to work in his office….Grrrrr…My ex- had already gotten his own place but hadn’t moved out yet. I’ll never forget the night my “friend” first invited me to go out with him and had booked a night at a really nice hotel. We packed wine, lots of goodies from Whole Foods, candles, etc. for the evening. I will never forget leaving my soon to be -ex with the screaming 2 kids amidst the messy living room with the toys strewn all over the place while I went out for once. (My jackass ex- used to take fun trips all of the time without me-leaving me home with the kids. Grrrr!) I ran, not walked, out of that place and felt a beautiful freedom and excitement that I had forgotten existed. That night was magic…heaven to feel cared for and paid attention to by someone. Pure bliss to be freed from the responsibility for one night. Anyway, fast forward and my friend/lover (yes ladies this SAHM went out and got herself a lover and it was the best damn thing I ever did for myself) and I ended up getting married a few years later. Life is MUCH better now. My kids stay with their dad every other weekend (Thurs-Sun.) and holidays and half of the summer. I looooovvve having time away from the kids. He also pays me child support which is great…the way I see it I now get paid to do all of the mothering work. And….I now have another man who helps me out with the kids, financial support, and loves to cook! Yeah, this mothering gig requires at LEAST 2 men per every mama…it’s that hard. My ex-has a fiancee who helps him out with the kids on his end. So what I’ve concluded about this whole modern mothering deal is this….it takes a village to raise a child. Hillary Clinton had that right. We didn’t evolve the skills to raise children in the isolated nuclear family with just mom or mom and dad. Remember, we used to live in tribes and clans. And before the industrial revolution, extended families stayed together. So grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins were more likely to be all around to help out. So basically our modern family situation doesn’t fit with the way our brains evolved to raise children…and that’s why it is so f%^&^ing hard and unpleasant. I’m certainly not telling anyone to leave their hubby-b/c if he’s a good one than hang onto him, of course. But if you’re in a bad marriage like I was, then dump that boob, find you a good man, and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have 2 men getting you through this whole mothering gig. Worked for me!
OMG – Liz you are brilliant. And a source of hope and inspiration for me. I wish I had more time to articulate and help others as you have but for now..just want to say you make me feel better about the choices I made; almost exactly what you did, divorced for 2 years now with joint custody — it is a great solution! And I have a man in my life, mostly when I am not with kids, who loves and adores me. -Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Tracy for the feedback….it’s like a dirty little secret isn’t it….we get divorced and then all of a sudden we have more free time and an easing up of the responsibility than when we were in happily ever after married land. And in my case, I get more money now from him than I did when we were married. Go figure. I know that a lot of women though do have a really rough time if they are single/divorced moms and don’t get support from the kid’s fathers. And that is just sooooo hard and I really admire those moms for being so tough and sticking with it. Wow….amazing women. Ladies, go out right now and buy the book Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts written by Regena Thomashauer. This book changed my life and helped me to get my mojo back. Go get it now!! You must reclaim your lives and put your own fun and pleasure as top priority. It’s like putting the oxygen mask in the airlplane on yourself first so you can then reach over and put on your child’s mask. I promise this book will change you.
Liz oh Liz. I LOVED your post. I felt so happy for you, hearing you describe how you ran out of your messy house and into the arms of your lover, for a one-night tryst.
Do you really think that book you recommended will empower us all to feel that sexy again? I’ve lost nearly all of that since having kids. I never even thought it was possible for it to come back, since by the time they’ll leave the house, I’ll already be about 50.
Shana- Mama Gena is just what you need. I promise you she will show you how to look at life through a new set of lenses if you’re in a bad place. For me, it showed me a way to regain and claim myself back and to put some yumminess back into my life. It was the lack of yumminess and pleasure and fun that was slowly killing me back in those days. Mama Gena is the queen of teaching women how to get out of that awful place. You just have to carve out that space of fun and pleasure for yourself whether it means finding time to work out, get a pedicure, drink some wine and listen to good music, buy a new dress, etc. (or all of the above) to give yourself a shot in the arm that life still has juiciness to it. You HAVE to get that juice flowing back into your life and feel like a W-O-M-A-N again. One thing I do to help make housework less mundane and oppressive is once a week I sit my ass down on the couch with my big ole’ glass of wine and something to eat. I then tell my two darlings what needs to be done as I supervise them from my perch on the sofa. I take total and complete satisfaction and pleasure in watching them do their chores while I sit on my ass staring at my pedicured toes between sips of wine. My hubby sometimes joins me since he too finds this very satisfying and acts as Sergeant Step-Dad if one of them whines or slacks off. This is a thing of beauty-they learn how to keep a house going (good life skill, right) and they learn the valuable lesson that we, their parents, have not been put on this earth to act as their personal slaves. My son is a fabulous vaccumer, mopper, and dishwasher loader/unloader and my daughter is good at taking the clothes to the laundry room, sorting, and putting people’s crap back in their rooms. After these chores are done, it’s off to their rooms to tidy them up. I take GREAT joy in watching them do these chores every week-hahahahahahahahhahah (evil bitch mother laugh!!!!) Remember, if the mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy!! My ultimate goal is that when they are in their pre-teen years, they will be able to cook and serve the hubby and I dinner once a week. AND clean up after it. Hahahahahahahahah AHHHH Hahahahahahah!!!!
liz i like ur style hunny looks like u got it really good now and so u should 🙂
Im just in the awww of whether or not to have another baby and im thinking arghhh coz at the end of the day it will be me that is doin most the work again not with 2 but possibly 3 kids.
Partner wants another one but although i do think i want another im also not sure coz it is damn hard work.
I wish us mothers got paid for all the hard work time effort ect lol
The only way i think i would is if i go back to work again real soon i gave up my 40hrs per wk job when i had my youngest who is 19months.
I need money,adult convo ect,hmmm does the book mention anything about that lol
I can just say to all “thank you” for these posts. I have had a “DAY” of all days today….at least it seems that way. And I thought there is NO WAY I will be able to find anything in Yahoo if I typed “I hate being a mother”. But I did and it is nice that I am not alone.
Motherhood is a 24/7/365 job and man, oh, man I want to apologize PROFUSELY (sp?) to my mother most days for my days as a kid!!
Thanks again, I plan on coming back to this website!
Sarah
Wow I don’t even know where to start, I googled this at 12:01 this morning while I am sitting here in my living room, on the couch with the laundry that has been here for days crying my eyes out becuase I can’t take it anymore. My situation is very similar to most of the ones I have read on here tonight only slightly different. I stepped out on my husband years ago (like 6) and I confessed my transgressions to him nearly 2 years ago. Since then I feel like my life has gotten worse and worse. We have 3 children 7,5, 14 months. I told him about the affair when I was only two months or so pregnant and going through that at that time made me resent my baby from the beginning, she is my only sunshine now, and the only thing that gets me through each day. My oldest is a holy terror and I feel less and less emotion for him all the time, I hate feeling like this, I feel so useless, I work full time and I am also working on a masters degree, but yet I feel that everyting I do is not worthwhile. My husband offers very little support, and I feel that I OWE him the ability be free. So I do everything, the house, yard, kids, work/pay most of the bills, everything. I am so overwhelmed I can’t even breathe anymore, the only thing he seems interested in is sex. I recently lost 40 lbs because running was the only thing that was keeping me under control. Now that I am more attractive (size 9/10 to size 3/4) he is resentful and thinks I am just chasing other men. All I want is for him to want me, and I take it out on my kids. I don’t remember the last time I can honestly say I had fun while doing something with my kids, I work extra jobs on my days off just so I don’t have to stay with them, I haven’t always been this way, how do I become satisfied with what I have, I feel like I need to escape and fast, constant anxiety. I need to feel better, I need to feel like I am not a failure, I need someone to tell me that yes I made a mistake but life is still worth living even though it happened. I need to know that giving up is not the only option. Thanks so much for letting me vent, it has helped already 🙂 .
Alli – hang in there. Life is worth living and all this is temporary. As for loving and appreciating your kids – I understand. I have 4 when I always planned to have 2 and feel overwhelmed most days. Life throws you unexpected turns sometimes.
Try to make time to lie down with your kids at bedtime, I notice that is mine are sweetest and they love it. Just listen to them mumble about the day and you can learn a lot about what they are thinking sometimes. Once they get used to the routine, I use it as leverage like “stop misbehaving or tonight you will go to bed early and NO together time!” I works for me.
Also, when I notice I don’t like my kids very much at times, I force myself to hug them. Hold him for a little while longer and your mind will go back to when he was a toddler and so sweet to hold.
Good luck. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Maybe it will give you marriage ideas. They have a website, too. http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com
Alli – hang in there. Life is worth living and all this is temporary. As for loving and appreciating your kids – I understand. I have 4 when I always planned to have 2 and feel overwhelmed most days. Life throws you unexpected turns sometimes.
Try to make time to lie down with your kids at bedtime, I notice that is when mine are sweetest and they love it. Just listen to them mumble about the day and you can learn a lot about what they are thinking sometimes. Once they get used to the routine, I use it as leverage like “stop misbehaving or tonight you will go to bed early and NO together time!” I works for me.
Also, when I notice I don’t like my kids very much at times, I force myself to hug them. Hold him for a little while longer and your mind will go back to when he was a toddler and so sweet to hold.
Good luck. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Maybe it will give you marriage ideas. They have a website, too. http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com
Wow and I thought I was the only one feeling this way. Who am I? I don’t even know me anymore. I was fun, funny, witty and full of energy. Now, I’m stressed, depressed and most days I cry.
I really love my baby but god I hate me.
I feel that motherhood has brought out the worst in me.
Thanks to all of you for posting as I thought for sure I was the only one and absolutely hate myself for feeling this way. The guilt started the day I got pregnant and has only grown since then.
Lord, help my children because with me as a mom, they don’t stand a chance.
ohhhhhh this thread is awesome I am sooooooooo glad there are other women like me. I am a single mother of an autistic child and have been since 18 i am almost 30 now and I cant tell you how many times I have wanted to run away or felt terribly trapped like those tigers you see in cages that just pace and pace and pace that want to get out so badly and run. I love my lil guy very much but it is very hard. thank you for starting this thread
I google “I cannot handle being a mother anymore” as well.
Hi, I am the mother of 3 children, a son that’s 18, a daughter that is 14 and another daughter that is 5. And honestly, their younger years didn’t bother me one bit. They were well behaved, i could take them anywhere and I got unconditional love all the time. While my son is a pretty laid back kid, a homebody and has a very decent and sweet girlfriend, my 14 year old daughter is quite the opposite. It only started a year ago, but she has completely turned into someone I don’t even know. We kept track of her friends, if she wanted to spend the night with someone… we did the homework, met the friend’s parents, found out where they were going, what time they would be home and felt like we were doing what we are supposed to do in order to keep our child out of harm’s way. After a few months we came to discover that not only (at 13 years of age) were the other parents allowing boys to spend the night and she was “experimenting” with sexual acts, smoking, and sneaking out of the house she would be at at 3am to meet up with other friends or just walk the neighborhood. Once we decided trust had been broken and told her that she was not allowed to hang out with that particular friend….that was when all hell broke loose. She’s completely defiant. She refused to go to school. And it was physically exhausting picking her up and putting her in the car to go to school. Her grades were falling, we took her for random drug tests, (all negative). My husband and I can’t physically pick up my daughter (and yes, I do mean picking up off the floor and throwing her over our shoulders like a flailing toddler), we can’t do this everyday in order to get her to school, or the doctor, or to therapy when she absolutely refuses to go. All punishments from everything from just banning tv and phone to completely stripping her room of everything but a bed has not worked. She has told us that she will outlast us…. and honestly I want to just quit. So while we’re dealing with her and she takes up ALL of our time, I have a sweet 5 year old that I’m trying to keep from witnessing every little outburst that my other daughter has and my 18 year old son who just observes and shakes his head. They need quality time with us as well.
THIS IS WHAT IS EXHAUSTING. I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!!
After I’ve dealt with my middle child all afternoon, when my poor 5 year old asks me for a glass of milk that seems to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back…and then I feel horrible.
I know this is long, but as a final comment, those of you that post you were ‘forced’ into motherhood or fatherhood….i just want to say…Seriously??? How can anyone force you into anything you don’t want to do? Were children not discussed prior to marriage? Or tell your parents to butt out.
Thanks for letting me vent, there’s more to the story, and this has been a long time coming. So thanks very much.
Oh Heather, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is definitely easier to deal with young children than to face what you are having to face. My mother had a similar situation with my brother who was the middle of three kids. I think her experience was different though because he was a boy and not a girl going through puberty. Girls are usually much more intense than boys. I know that my sister-in-law put my mother-in-law through hell with eating disorders, drug use, having sex at age 14, going to parties, the whole bit. The whole family did counselling when she was young and things did turn around. She is now a grown woman in her 30’s, is a successful school teacher, and id married with 2 little boys. The hardest part, I think, is to not give up, to show her you love her and care about her in spite of herself. With love and support both my brother and my sister-in-law turned out okay in the end so I hope that gives you some hope. Hang in there.
Thank you Carolyn. Since you happen to be the first to respond to me, you are my new best friend! lol
Thanks for the words of encouragement, and in the deepest, darkest parts of my heart I do believe that she will come out of this ok. I truly do. But manohman, the ride getting there is awful!! But don’t get me wrong, she has her sweet moments as well. The few times that we do hang out or go to the movies, she’s quite pleasant and has a great sense of humor. I’ve talked to doctor’s about how to handle her, we’ve even had to call the police on two occassions…the police do nothing but talk to her and she’s a perfect angel in their presence.
And as a side note for anyone wondering: her father and I have had a great and solid marriage for over 19 years. And if it wasn’t for him doing the physical work on those days when she literally becomes dead weight because she refuses to go to school…. I don’t know what I would do!!
wow, i have a lot of catching up to do… its been awhile (i posted about having a 2 year old named lily and was pregnant with my second girl)
well i had my second april 24th. she’s four months old now… i’m in hell. what the hell was i thinking? i dont know why i did this again. lily was a dream sleeper (12 hours a night by 3 months) rebecca is hell. i still wake up once in the middle of the night and getting her to nap has been an on going battle. once we fix one issue we find another one. i just chucked a plate in the bathroom sink because i’m at my end. i had no postpartum depression in the beginning but everything piling up has brought it back. i cant bare to be on meds again. i dont have a problem with others taking meds for it, its just that i feel i should be stronger then that. everyone else around me can deal with all types of stress and i’m just the little whiner who boohoo’s about everything. i konw i need to talk to someone about this, but i cant bring myself to… i just dont feel like a valuable person in my family. every choice i make is crap. i just want to curl into a ball and never come out.
Hey Melissa, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. It was like that too with my first and second child. But when I had my third, I learned real fast to let people in and talk to people before I lost my mind. I wish I could be there and give you a day off!!
And you are valuable, where would those little girls be without you??
It helps to vent here, but if you feel like you need professional help…go get it. Don’t worry about what others will say. You’re allowed to be human.
Good luck!
Single mom here. I work 40hours a week and go to school full time as well. I’m so glad I found this.
Drew, reading the original blog was a relief and reading the agreeing replies helps me feel like not a monster… atleast for a little while… until i run into those “moms”. you know, the ones where everyday is a blessing and being a mom is always the greatest job in the world and my children poop cinnimon buns and roses…
my last few days have been better, buts its still and uphill battle. what baffels me is i STILL want to do this one more time…
Heather… oh my… i just read your post. my goodness. you are a STRONG woman. i dont know if i’d have it in me to do what you do. i’m scared to have not only one, but two teenage girls… i planned to do all the right things too…
it might not seem like much coming from me, but stay strong. show your daughter you can outlast her. i wish i could help more for you though.
Melissa…. thanks. I mean that. And truth be told lately, we’ve had more good days than bad. But the bad are SOOOO bad.
I thought I was in the midst of a quarter life crisis when I googled “I cannot handle being a mother” and found this article. I love it. It is exactly all of my thoughts written in a way that I never could. I always feel ashamed like I am failing because I feel these things. I am 23 and have a 3 year old and an 18 month old, i work full time and take care of the household basically alone. Its tough, somedays I just want to run away and never look back. I just want a life for one day, but it seems like its always one thing after another. I LOVE my kids to death….but I think I’m going crazy. This article gave me a bit of sanity knowing I’m not alone in this!
Amber, wow, i struggle at 25 with a 3 year old and a 4.5 month old, i could have never done this at your age. just keep hanging in there. somedays all that gets me through is knowing there are others like me.
you know… i’ve had my REALLY hard days. i have days i want to pull my hair out, but for those who’ve followed my few posts, having rebecca has not only made me a much better mother, but i’ve finally fully accepted that i am a mom and i am at peace with my role.
but that doesnt mean i cant have “those” days
I have this post to thank for many, many things… for saving my life back when I first discovered it over a year ago, and then for bringing my mojo back. 🙂
So this comment is directed toward Liz especially (who commented earlier), but to all of you as well: Thanks for the GREAT recommendation of the book “Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts”! At Liz’s suggestion, I borrowed it from the library, liked it so much that I bought a copy, and now am slowly incorporating some of her delightful suggestions into my life. Mothers, you must read this book. It shows you how to bring joy and desire back into your life in spite of all the craziness of motherhood.
Just for starters, women: start making a list of everything you desire – everything in your wildest dreams, or even your tamer dreams. Make that list and keep adding to it. The strangest thing is that some of those start to come true when you name them and give energy to them. Give it a try… it is amazing!
i’ll have to check that book out Shana. a book i had recommended to me when i had my postpartum depression was called “womens moods” so i started reading it… BIG mistake. it made my depression worse. basically it talks about the differences between men and women and how what medications and stuff that work for men dont do the same for women because in different parts of the months we have all the different hormones and such. and all it did was get me thinking that as a woman i got the crap end of the stick. periods, pregnancy, painful childbirth, insane hormone changes after labour, menopause then the chances of ovarian cancer, falopian cancer, uteruine cancer, cervical cancer… what do men have? a chance of ED and prostate cancer…
but i have to stop there, lol. if i dwell on this too much i start to get down and sad. so, if you ever feel down as a woman, dont read that book, a good chance it can make it worse
Oh Melissa! You have to stop reading such books! Why are we women, especially mothers, always so hard on ourselves!
No my dear, read Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts instead, and rejoice in your womanhood. 🙂 Create your list of desires. Be grateful for what you have even as you strive to have even more of what you want. Love yourself first and foremost: all your positive and all your negative traits (including not wanting to be around your kids all the time – it shows you have a life of your own!). Be appreciative of those who do good things for you. Pleasure yourself and teach any men in your life how to pleasure you . I haven’t accomplished the last yet – it’s a bit hard to spring this all on my hubby at once – but I’m getting better at showing gratitude and general happiness, which he has appreciated.
Yes, mothers, it is time to live life and to enjoy it!
Shana while I may go pick up that book. I don’t have any problems being a woman, and feeling womanly and desired by my husband and being my own person with friends. But it’s just when I come home and my 14 year old daughter is having one of her fits or rebellions or moments of defiance, cussing, telling me how awful we are as parents… I literally could come undone! I can see myself picking her up, lifting her over my head, and throwing her outside. Granted, I can’t do that…. but I can envision it! And now the vision makes me giggle. 🙂 But I do want to see what that book is all about!
Shana-I am soooo happy that the book has been helpful for you! This post is to you and any other mom that is feeling depleted, miserable, and drained from motherhood. I was married to a man with a narcissistic personality disorder and was at an all time low when I read that book. I had sacrificed myself to death to my children and to him- he constantly put his needs and desires first and expected me to do all of the thankless drudgery. I also saw how my mom (SAHM her whole life) put herself on the back burner, and by the time she was in her forties, was one angry and bitter woman. My dad and us kids took her for granted and were ungrateful for all the things she did for all of us for years (home cooked healthy meals, laundry, cleaning, taxiing kids, lawn work!, housework, and generally being everyone’s caretaker.) My poor mom was so unhappy because she gave too much of herself away. To this day, my brothers can’t remember all that she did for all of us and instead basically left home and now ignore her. Part of it is her fault-she put herself in that position. I’ve also seen this happen to some of my parents’ friends with older kids that just left and they moved on with their own lives seeing the parents a few times a year. Also, my mom acted the part of workhorse/maid/mommy, and I think my dad stopped seeing her as a W-O-M-A-N. Her uniform was a baggy t-shirt and jeans for years. So what I’ve learned is this….ALWAYS hold back pieces of yourself. Love and nurture these pieces of yourself as you do your children or partners or whoever. Your children will one day leave you and go on to live their own lives. If you sacrifice your joy, passions, and very life for them, then you’ll most likely only end up feeling empty and jaded. Of course we love and sacrifice for our kids, but we also MUST continue to experience our own joys, passions, and pleasures along the way. It’s like life or death- do it or you will be eaten alive by the sacrifices of motherhood. I didn’t do the motherly sacrificial thing at the time by leaving my ex- for another man. But in the end, years later, I see that I took the leap and listened to MYSELF and did what was best for ME. It all turned out for the best-my ex- had a personality disorder and the kids and I are better off now that I’m remarried. I would be in a psych ward by now if I had stayed with him!! So ladies, listen to your hearts. If you’re unhappy, there is a reason why. I highly suggest you check out this book because Mama Gena teaches you how to pursue your joy by infusing pleasure and passion into your existence. For me, I’ve learned how to do these little (and big!) things to keep me going and feeling alive. The main things I do is have my kids help out around the house, workout every other day, wear lots of fab dresses/boots/shoes (I know-not everyone’s thing but makes my long workdays more fun and the hubby likes it too…helps me to feel less like mommy all the time and motivates me to work out), eat super healthy, have fun with the hubby (travel, dates, etc,) and write (tinker around with) screenplays and a memoir (who cares if if never sells/publishes-it’s just an outlet/passion for me). I just generally have the attitude that “Damn it, I do a hell of a lot for you people and I deserve some fun too!” Years ago, I did NONE of these things and I was so empty, lifeless, and unhappy 😦 Sorry for the rambling message, but I just FEEL so much empathy for moms that are struggling b/c I was once there too. It can seem so hopeless and I just want to help someone who felt how I did make their way to a better (Happier!! 🙂 place!! Plus moms, it does get so much easier as the kids get older- but MAKE those kids HELP YOU OUT!!! It’s GOOD for them on so many levels!! And if they tell you to fuck off someday, at least they’ll have dishpan hands too!
Ladies -I hope I don’t sound too preachy (in my last post I think I do with all of the advice 😉 But here’s one more book I want to throw out there….all of the Eckhart Tolle books. His teachings really helped me to rise above the feelings of sadness and emptiness. OK- I’m done doling out advice now 🙂
Liz, welcome back to the site! Thanks again for your great advice and humor. Will you tell us all a bit about what Eckhart Tolle has to say? Is his style at all like Regena Thomashauer’s?
Heather3, that’s wonderful that you still feel sexy and womanly around your man – you’re a step ahead of me in that regard! But dealing with your teenage daughter… I do think Mama Gena’s can help with that, if only because a teenager will definitely treat her mother differently if she senses her mother is enjoying life and taking time to pleasure herself.
If my mother had done that, I would have stood up and taken notice – and respected her more. But no. She was just like Liz’s mom: a doormat. Because back then, that’s what every mom THOUGHT she had to be. Stuff and nonsense. Let our generation of women rise about that!
Shana- the Eckhardt Tolle teachings help you to differentiate between the true self and the ego. He teaches how to rise above unhappiness, anger, bitterness, constant striving/wanting etc- and just learn how to “be and exist” with greater peace and acceptance. I know-easier said than done. It’s a lifelong challenge for most of us. Mama Gena touches on this in her book to but in kind of a “lighter” and practical way…it’s the chapter on partying till your desires come to you. She’s saying that the time to experience joy and pleasure is right now even if it seems like your world is falling apart around you. (Based on the law of attraction- you take the leap and reach for joy/pleasure and more joy/pleasure will attract itself into your life.)
Shana-you are so right that we need to try to rise above the sacrificial workhorse mentality of motherhood. There was just a section in The Huffington Post about how all of these studies show that mens’ happiness has increased over the last 25 years and womens’ happiness has decreased. These studies also show that women are markedly less happy in their late forties than men. Basically, they conclude that a big factor in this disparity is that women have simply taken on more responsibilities (ie working) but that we are still expected to carry the brunt of child rearing and domestic duties. Well, sorry but….SCREW THAT! You only get kicked in the teeth for that in the end.
Carpe Diem , ladies!!!!
Liz, that’s a very good, and rather sad, point.
My mother was the one who sacrificed everything for my sister and me (and our father too), and yet in the end, we’re both closer to our father. As far as I can tell, Mom got NOTHING out of sacrificing so much – she didn’t even get much affection or attention from us.
Yet somehow we’re taught that we must regard self-sacrifice as a pleasure in itself. What bull!!! Men aren’t taught the same message, are they? Self-sacrifice doesn’t come more “naturally” to women, which is the canard we’re always fed when it comes to parenting. No wonder we’re so unhappy.
So you’re right, Liz: screw that, because we’ve only one life to live, and we’re not going to sacrifice it for everyone in the world at our expense. Let’s focus on OUR pleasure, and trust that it will make others happy as well (as Mama Gena says)! Let’s go, mothers!
Heather3- I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your daughter. It sounds like hell for you right now. My older brother was such a buffoon when he was in his teens and put my poor parents through hell too- running away, drinking/drugs, stealing money from them, trouble-maker friends, etc. Just hang in there. Today he is a wonderful husband and father to three and a successful accountant who is going back to school to get an MBA!! They finally sent him to live with relatives in another state and that is what helped him to get his act together and grow the hell up. I am so sorry for you right now- it sounds like hell.
Shana- Mama Gena also has a marriage book that’s worth checking out.
Shana-
Here’s a link to someone pontificating on Mama Gena’s philosophy.
http://goddessdiaries.wordpress.com/category/all-goddess-diaries/
Enjoy!!
Thank you, SG Liz! 😉
SG (love it!) Shana-
Also, you’re right on to make that list of your desires. I did that too five years ago and was “asking” for my “divine lover.” That’s literally what I called him- I wrote it down on paper and within just a month or so, he appeared! It took several months for us to finally get together but our desires take time to manifest (an incubation period). This is all part of the “game of life” once you figure out the rules and how to play.
What are the odds? He was just what I wanted- single, nice looking, a little older, financially stable, fun, kind, NO KIDS (thank you, Sweet Jesus), didn’t want kids (thank you, Sweet Jesus again), and open to being with a woman with 2 kids. Also, I know this sounds corny but I wanted to find someone who really appreciated and adored me (b/c my first hubby did collateral damage to my self-esteem for several years with his constant disapproval and criticism) and he does. This man even loves cooking for me- need I say more? I adore my hubby. He’s a major source of joy in my life and the universe delivered BIG TIME to me on this desire. Since then, I’ve manifested our house, furnishings, cars, my job, and his new business using these spiritual/energy tools.
So remember- there is the spiritual/energy aspect to life where you can manifest into your existence what it is you truly desire based on the law of attraction. You’re the creatrix of your own existence. You just have to figure out what it is that you want and than go about using the tools to manifest it into existence (there are many books written on the subject and you need educate yourselves on how to do it- Mama Gena just happens to be one of my favorites).
As hard as it may seem from where you are now- the task at hand is to recreate for yourselves a new vision of yourself and motherhood that is far more pleasurable and joyful than what you are currently experiencing. Believe me, I know this can be a challenge especially when those kids are driving you insane day in and day out. Mine still drive me nuts sometimes-summer breaks with them nearly drive me over the edge some days. But press on, mothers- there is a light at the end of this tunnel if you can learn the tools to manipulate and shape your own reality into something more desirable. It’s a constant effort as life always throws you curve balls, but the more you do it and the more you educate yourself, the easier it gets and the better you get at doing it!
Thanks, SG Liz!
The problem for me, even though I was the one suggesting that all you mothers make a Desire list, is that doing anything with my kids is nowhere on my Desire list. In fact, some of my desires distinctly involve NOT having the kids around (such as taking a sabbatical in a faraway place without them – I’m a teacher).
KIDS and DESIRE so far are mutually exclusive in my life, and ne’er the twain shall meet.
So, any ideas about how to create visions of motherhood that are more enjoyable? Part of the problem is that I do see myself wanting to be a very good traditional mother: you know, the kind that observes all the holidays in a way that’s over the top – baking the right cookies for the season, making snowflakes, hanging decorations, all that. But the other part of me, when I actually try to do these things, finds them tedious. I keep thinking I’d rather do something else.
The only REAL vision I have for my girls is for them to grow up strong, to love science and arts, and to have a sense of humor.
hey ladies. i’ve been keeping up on whats going on, but i havent had time to say anything.
just feeling really down today. i’m exhausted. i work evenings while my husband works days and i’ve been getting home around 1:30am most days and i’m up at about 6am. leaving not much time for sleep which i hate because i tend to take it out on my 3 year old (i just yell at her a lot more then i normally would). i feel like crap, have no time for myself and i havent really spent time with my husband in awhile (its been two weeks almost since we got to have a few hours together awake at the same time). i didnt realize just how much more busy you are when you have two kids as compared to one. and we’re down to one vehical so 3-4 days a week i have to have the kids up by 6:30 and we’re dressed and out the door by 7 taking my husband to work. its 8 by the time we get home, tues and thurs my oldest goes to preschool for 8:45, so its get home, feed the kids, get the snack ready and dressed and out the door. then i do my running around until aroudn 10:30, by 11 i’m picking up lily from school and we get home, do lunch, put rebecca into bed, then shortly after lily goes to bed (since i’ve been working so late i nap here too, which gives me no awake time to myself, but atleast i get a bit of sleep) then we’re pretty much up from our nap and out the door to pick up the husband, back home and i head off for work. its frustrating right now because i’m REALLY burning out, i can feel a breakdown coming on, which i’m trying to push away, but with lily’s birthday in november, christmas and the 1000 i NEED on my car before it snows and gets really cold i cant afford not to be working. rebecca was whining in the car this am when my husband put her in the car seat and after i had lily in hers and closed the doors and was walking around to my side i actually thought about just walking away. just going away, dont know where… i just hate this. its dark a lot now so my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is kicking in which really doesnt help things…
sorry, just needed to let it out.
Hi SG Shana- I hear you. Don’t feel guilty about wanting more for yourself that doesn’t involve your girls. I’m sure you’re a great mom who has already sacrificed tons for them. It sounds like you are pleasure deprived and you need to “fill your tank” up. What I meant by creating a new vision of motherhood is by making it more joyful and pleasurable for YOU. That may not mean spending Fri. night baking cookies with your girls after a long week at work….it may mean going away for the weekend with the hubs and being AWAY from them. Or just forcing them to play on Sat. morning while YOU sleep in. Don’t feel guilty- the truth is that kids can be a real pain in the ass especially in those younger years. For me, those years felt like survival with the never ending responsibility.
For example, tonight we have movie/pizza night with the kids and we stay up late with them watching whatever movie they want. And tomorrow we have piano lessons and a soccer game (for them). So we will all be spending a lot of time together. But tomorrow night, my husband and I are leaving them with my sister in law and we’re going out to dinner and a movie. I needed a break after work so we’re having a cocktail as I write and then I’ll go get them from after-school at the latest pick-up time of 5:45 tonight. I could feel guilty about that- but I don’t. I need the break because I know we have tonight and all day tomorrow with them.
So you see it’s all about weaving some fun and pleasure into your life and definitely NOT feeling guilty- I HATE crafty things too! And DESPISE cooking with my daughter. But I love snuggling up to her and watching movies in our PJ’s!!!
This is all so much easier for me to implement now that my kids are older (9 and 7). I admit that those younger years were rough. If your kids are still young than it is VERY understandable that all of your desires would not involve them. It’s just DAMN hard work!!
Hello all mothers out there who hate (at the moment) being a mother.
I am a mother of a 2 year old. That should say it all. She’s a gorgeous little girl and can be very sweet, but most of the time she’s moaning about something or crying or having a temper tantrum. She’s not much of a joy to be around. What sucks is that she goes to daycare the majority of the day while I’m at home studying or going to school. I don’t even spend as much time with her anymore, but the time I do spend with her seems like its always fighting.
Its especially bad when my husband (her dad) comes home. If I even TRY to have a conversation with him she cries or interrupts until we stop talking. Its like she doesn’t want me to talk to him??
Tonight we were at a small party with friends and I had to leave with her because she was horrible. Same thing happened the last get-together we had. She cried almost the whole time!
I consider myself lucky because my husband is great and very supportive. But that doesn’t change how angry I get at the situation. People say that it will get easier. Yeah, well, after some things get easier we run into things that get more difficult. I just glad I decided not to have any more. One is enough.
I try to start each day with a positive attitude but inevitably my attitude ends up in the toilet. Oh, and just for the record, I’ve pretty much always felt this way. Not just since she’s entered the terrible twos. She’s the baby that didn’t sleep through the night til 9 months old. She’s THAT kid.
SG Liz – THANK YOU for saying that you despise cooking with your daughter. I thought I was the only one! I had this idea that every good mom was supposed to enjoy teaching her daughter to cook and bake and help around the kitchen in general. GAG! I hate it!!! It’s SO good to know others feel the same way!
The pizza/movie nights are a fabulous idea. Any other nifty ideas to share, Sister Goddess? 🙂
THANK YOU LADIES! I hate the fact that I typed into Google that I cant handle being a mom, but incredibly thankful I fell upon this blog. Today was a breaking point for me. I found myself on the floor, crying hysterically and almost threw up out of sheer exhaustion… Why you ask? My 4 year old cut off her and her 2 year old’s sisters hair. I tried to think of who I could call to get me through this bout of hysteria. Nobody. I have NOBODY. Which makes these moments even harder. I ended up calling my husband at work ( I try not to make it a practice of doing that) He laughed. I failed to see the humor. Then he was frustraited that I was upset as I was. What was done was done. Nothing I could do to fix it so just laugh…?? I haven’t adopted this theory.
I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead. I try schedules, task sheets, reward systems… I treat myself like a child to get through the day and it still doesn’t work. The house never gets done and it wears down my husbands patience. (I got “in trouble” for that yesterday) If the girls get into something it’s usually my fault for not paying attention to them every min of the day or I get the comment “well how did she get that”… as if its my fault I have door covers that my 4 y.o. figured out, pulled out the drawers in the bathroom, climbed on top of the counter and got the scissors… I was folding laundry to avoid another argument with the husband.
I’m still stressed as I’m writing this. I felt like something is wrong with me. I’m a terrible mother and a terrible wife. Whats the next step? Who knows…
Um, Jess… wake-up call?
It is not YOU who are the terrible mother and terrible wife. If I may be blunt, your husband sounds like the terrible one… at least, as he is now. Clearly he has no understanding how difficult it is to get anything done around the house when you are looking after young kids.
But he is trainable. First, stop apologizing to him for how terrible you are, because you’re NOT. Stop being an emotional masochist (yes, you know you are). Stand up for yourself and tell him: this is how your life is; this is how difficult it is; he should imagine, or actually LIVE, a day in your shoes. Fake illness for one day and let him care for the kids himself. SPEAK UP. My husband did not believe how awful it was for me as a SAHM either, till I had to see the doctor because I was literally weighing 3 different ways to commit suicide.
You don’t have to be that drastic. But you do need to speak up for yourself and even tell him the ways in which HE has hurt YOU. Don’t do it in a wash of tears. Control yourself and tell him calmly and lovingly, but forcefully.
Men can often be clueless about how absolutely sh*tty it is to be a stay-at-home parent, so it is your responsibility to educate him on what sacrifices you are making. But please, for the sake of all your sister goddesses here, do not put up with this crap from your husband anymore.
I can’t speak for your kids. They just sound like normal kids; not terrible. Don’t take it out on them. Fix things with your hubby first and foremost.
Another here who googled ‘don’t like being a mother’…It’s horrid that there are so many of us but comforting at the same time if you know what I mean…
I love my two little boys like crazy which means GUILT that I really don’t enjoy being with them most of the time.
I SHOULD be happy – lovely kids, lovely little house, great husband as supportive as he can be in the time he is home from work, great family and friends etc, etc – but my life just feels like groundhog day. Even when I get away from them for a few hours I don’t really get away from them, emotionally, mentally..
The tears, tantrums, playing mindless kids games, cleaning, trying to cook, are doing me in – I need a week or a month away and that isn’t going to happen.
I haven’t read all the comments here – there are sooooo many – but to those who say we CHOSE to have kids and this life I say it is totally impossible to know what motherhood is unless you experience it so it’s a blind choice. oh and by the way, my hubby finds fatherhood rather difficult too.
But i will go and try to be happy and positive for my kids like I do most days – until the first temper tantrum at least!!!!
Good luck ladies, lets try to not put too much pressure on ourselves today.
you know… why are we considering ourselves to be the abnormality? there are tons of us who feel this way. and from talking with my own mother, she felt similar. i think its normal and we should stop feeling bad about it. (hahaha on that one, if you guys are like me that wont happen). the problem here is the majority of the moms who fake that its all good (you know the ones, every day is the best day of my life and being a mother is always rewarding and happy and my children dont ever scream and they poop freshly baked cinnimon buns) and men who have only seen what their mothers fake. who wrote the history books? men did, so they would’ve made it as motherhood is wonderful, easy, etc.
Google all the studies about how married couples start out HAPPIEST before kids, are least happiest during the child rearing years, and then their happiness bounces back when the kids leave the nest. I guess it’s stating the obvious because it makes sense that having kids is stressful and A LOT of work and that would decrease one’s overall life happiness. So we shouldn’t feel guilty since our feelings are universal….some people just don’t admit it. I remember when I was pregnant with my 2nd child and my older brother who already had three kids just smiled and said, “You just wait. It’s like being in a war camp” (referring to having 2 or more kids under the age of 5). A year later when I asked him if he and his wife were planning to have more, he almost bitterly said, “No, I’m just sick of rug rats.” My brother is a great guy, well educated, great husband/father etc. and for HIM to admit this says a lot (he’s a marathon runner so he likes a good challenge). I love my kids dearly and they have added meaning and purpose to my life but there’s a price tag, for sure!!
There’s a funny tongue in cheek book written by Corrine Maeir called “No Kids:40 Reasons Not to Have Kids.” She’s kind of harsh but it’s satisfying to read her list of the 40 reasons because I’ve secretly thought some of them myself.
You can google the book and read the list.
Also, some of my co-workers complain about how hard it is raising their teens. Uggghhh….I guess we’re all in this for the long haul, ladies.
Hahaha “the long haul” Oh how I love love loveeeee hearing that it doesn’t get any better from the mouth of parents of older children. Hehehe, we will get there. It is just so hard at times and so testing, exhausting and overwhelming.
I might need to take a sneak peek at that book 😉
Also, one more thing to add….and this may be stating the obvious but here goes. Kids drastically changed my life. They change the dynamic in my marriage too. On the weekends the kids are with their dad, my hubby and I are in a different world. The house is quiet, clean and we both have lots of time apart to do what we want and then time to hang out together. Our relationship becomes very romantic and playful when they’re gone. We may sleep in and watch TV drinking coffee on Sat. morning, go for a run/workout together in the afternoon, and than leisurely head out for a nice dinner that evening. I clean the house and it stays clean and tidy for days. Also, he’s much more relaxed and pays a lot more attention/affection to me. When the kids are here (which is most of the time), it’s more like work mode all the time. It seems like we’re either cleaning up, cooking, shuttling kids to activities, helping with homework, making lunches for school, grocery shopping, practicing guitar/piano, having kids over to play, and generally managing the household in between working our full time jobs. So everything changes….gone is the playfulness, flirtation, relaxation, leisurely evenings out, sleeping in, coffee in bed mornings, pleasant relaxing weekends, etc . (And not to mention the monthly costs of after school care, lessons, sports, clothing/food etc….day care was $1,000 per month for 3 years for 1 kid.) It’s mostly work mode. No wonder so many marriages don’t make it. So yeah…we’re all justified in needing to vent about how hard motherhood/parenting is. It’s very real and it can turn a loving marriage/partnership into a full time round the clock never ending job once kids are added to the mix. And my kids are older and it’s still a challenge at times. But those early years…..wow, the HARDEST time of my life.
But with all that said….my kids have added a ton of meaning and love (and yeah, joy too when they’re not driving me nuts) into my life. But anyone considering kids better really think that decision through because this parenting gig is just huge.
SG Liz: In an earlier post, you said that most times of the year, your ex has the kids only 3-4 days out of every 2 weeks. You have them the remaining 10-11 days. And from what you write above, it sounds as though you love the days that they’re NOT with you.
Well, does that sound fair to you?
You’re a sister goddess. 🙂 You know what to do. If it’s what you want, you could negotiate with the ex to take the kids for more days. 5 days out of every 2 weeks? Every other week?
I realize that may be simplistic, and that maybe you do actually want the kids for more days, or maybe the ex is giving something in return for your having the kids more often. But here’s a reminder of two of Mama Gena’s points:
1. Money is less important than following your desires. If you follow your desires, there will always be enough money for what you want.
2. Ask for a scary sum (or any scary amount of anything). If it’s not scary to you, it isn’t enough.
Go for it girl!
So glad to have found his site…kudos for the original pot and to all the other posts as well.
I am married with 2 children Boy is almost 15 yrs old and girl is 6 yrs old. I have been a mother since I was 17 yrs old so needless to say I have never truly lived life let alone a childfree life. I had my son when I was 17 and his father left and hasnt helped in the raising or financial aspect. Never paid child support basically abandoned him. When I was 24 yrs old I got married and had my daughter in 2003 but ended up divorced in 2008. Now her father is great be me and him werent.
I remarried in 2008 and havent had anymore yet.
I cant begin to tell you how horrible my life has been with children. I love them but sometimes I want to leave them. Having alone time with my husband is non existant. My 15 yr old is impossible and a smart-ass. Hates school and always tries to stay home and gets pissed when I say no. He always wants somehing i.e. video games, cell phone, name brand this-and-that. He a manipulator. I resent him alot and argue with him constantly. I cant stand him most of the time and want to ship him with my mother but cant. I know this sounds horribl but its the truth.
My daughter is sweet as pie and I think subconsiously I treat her different than my son, altho I never let him see it. gave them the sam amount of attention, love, material things, etc. Anyhow, my daughter gets on my nerves half the time to. I have secretly wanted her dad to take her and my sons family members to take him so I never have to deal with it again.
Im so sick of cleaning, cooking, laundry, sicknesses, get them to school, the complining, manipulating, fighting, pickiness, I could go on and on.
My husband is very supportive but I still end up doing more because he works fulltime and I stay home.
I am also dealing with bi-polar disorder, anxiety, depression and post tramatic disorder and a whole list of childhood abuse, etc. This situation just exasterbates the situations with my kids.
I have no identity other than being a mother and wife. Since Ive been a mother since i was 17, I never even got the chance to experience things other teens get to experience. You may say I made the choice to have these kids but I never signed up for HELL!
SG Shana-
Every other weekend (4 days) with their dad is perfect for us- we don’t want them with him any more than that. He’s very narcissistic and I don’t want the kids around him much more than that. He’s immature and I especially don’t want my son emulating him as he gets older. Also, they come back from his place exhausted because he can’t even manage to get them to bed on time.
As for the money, I’m satisfied with what I get from him..it’s fair. But I AM actively desiring that my husband’s business expands so I can cut back to working part-time (3 days/week) by next year. That’s at the top of the desire list right now 🙂 With the kids with their dad every other weekend and me working part-time- life would be grand! 🙂
Amani- your boy is getting older so you won’t have him with you much longer. At least, the end is in sight. Maybe he could get a part time job – I’d put his little butt to work around the house to earn money for all those gadgets he demands. Put that boy to work Amani- tough love!! It would be good for him.
Also Amani- you started having kids at a young age but you’re still young. You’re kids are older and you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Just imagine if you were just getting started having kids…you would have all of that to go through again. That’ s one good thing about your situation. 🙂
I actually looked this up word for word on google to see if I would find a match and I did. I read it and I love it. I am here writing this comment at 1 p.m. in the morning. Feeling alone, unkempt and unattractive. Husband is away a lot. I take care of our 11 month old mostly alone. I haven’t washed my hair in a week. Gained about 15 lbs God knows when the last time I put make up on was or even felt like my old self. I feel like I lost her and I can’t get her back. I smile less hardly joke around. Resentful feelings are inside me. Sometimes I look at my son and melt thinking nothing is more wonderful than to see his angelic face. Other times I want to run away. No one here understands that. I’m glad I found this piece and even more so that so many other mothers feel this way.
I don’t know ladies….sometimes I am at a loss. We women seem at such a disadvantage because WE reproduce and nurture humans into adulthood. The job is so huge and exhausting. . I read the “Conversations with God” series and Neal Donald Walsch (the channeler) addresses the misery of marriage and child rearing. “God” or spirit or the entity or whatever he was channeling tells him that we humans have it all wrong. He says that most people SHOULD NOT be pairing up with ONE other person and reproducing….most younger people have too many of their own unresolved issues to deal with to take this on. He says it creates misery for most people. He says that mostly it’s the “evolved” elders that are equipped to take on this task. (Check out the book for more info…I’m not going to go into the stuff he says about “other planes of existence”…read it yourselves and make up your own minds) I don’t know. I know it sounds kind of crazy and “out there.” However, I plainly look in the mirror at my hands and feet and eyes and kids and all of existence etc. and think there must be something that created or “orchestrates” all of this….ie spirit or spiritual laws. I tend to think that we ARE spiritual beings having a physical experience and at the present moment in history we have fucked a whole bunch of things up. So many are so fucking miserable. Just my opinion though…I could be wrong.
well… i’ve hit what feels like rock bottom, but in my experience it can be worse. my baby is six months. its supposed to be that magic age where everyone says “oh it’ll get easier once they’re six months”. well guess what, its harder. so far in the past 3 nights she’s woken up around 3am and just wants to be held for hours on end. well that isnt going to fly. she’s six months, she should be able to soothe herself back to sleep. but since i fucked up with getting pregnant before we got a house, our girls have to share a room, so rebecca cant just cry it out in the bedroom or she wakes up lily. and we get to hear her scream bloody murder and wake up our upstairs neighbors while she screams for two hours. i despise her so much. i’m honestly racking my brain thinking of how i can find someone to take her on overnights until she’s sleeping through the night. i can deal with her only taking a couple of naps during the day (she fights sleep like its nothing) but i need my night sleep too (especially since i work evenings and have to take care of lily during the day). even if she was just waking up twice to eat a bottle and going back to sleep, that’d be fine, but no, she wakes up and wants to be held and look around and everything. my weekend would’ve been perfect if it wasnt for her. i could take this college course i want to take.
rebecca was supposed to be my boy. with how much of a shit she is, chances of getting my husband to have another one are slim to none (i really dont even want a third, but i know i wont give up on my dream to have a boy). if she was this much trouble but a boy, i’m sure i wouldnt be so bitter (not saying i wouldnt be miserable and stressed, but i’m just angry and bitter i have to deal with all this and she’s just another girl. i dont even like her name either. i know i picked it, but my original name was supposed to be Delilah. i was in love with that name during my pregnancy. but when i was holding her after she was born i just couldnt call her Delilah (i still dont find her a delilah) so my friend and i racked our brains thinking of a name. i didnt want rebecca when my friend first suggested it, but then i thought it was nice. but now i wish i had more time to think of names. lily’s name was picked out from almost the start (i wanted Anya, but my husband hates that name) but i’ve never regretted lily’s name. i was watching the incredibles last night and wish we would’ve went with Violet. so now not only do i despise my daughter, but i hate her name too. add the disgust i have for myself. i’m fat and have stretch marks. from my belly button down is full of them. my stomach is gross and droopy along with my ass and boobs. surgery is in no way an option for me, we’re just staying a float financially as it is. the girls go see our family dr on the 9th. i’m going to see about getting on medication then because all i want to do right now is just run away or cut myself. i’m just wondering who i pissed off to make my life miserable. i’ve given up on faith. after months of soul searching and thinking, even if there is a God with all the horrible things in the world (stuff much more horrid then my life) he cant be someone who loves us unconditionally. if he loved us so much, why would small children be tortured, abused, raped, etc. why would mother lose their tempers with their babys and just want to throw them around the room (this mother has never given into that temptation). yes i know the whole freedom of choice, but to stand by and let this horror happen is just, well, i dont even have words for it. i just feel like not only am i falling down a deep dark pit alone, but i feel like i’m being ripped in half all the way down.
Melissa. I feel your pain. Try this; it was published by a doctor years ago and I used it on both my kids (now age 13 and 10) and it worked in two nights! When you hear her crying, go in her room and pat her on the back and soothe her with your words, no matter what she’s doing. Only stay for a minute or two. Let her cry. Return once every 5 minutes about 3 times doing the same thing. Then return to her room in 10 minute increments and don’t say anything, just pat her on the back; stay for less than a minute. Do that a few times, and then return every 15 minutes maybe twice, just rub her back and stay a few seconds. By then she should be asleep…both my kids were and it worked; after two nights they slept through the night! You might have to have your older child sleep in another room, or with you a few nights until this works. Don’t reward the baby for crying by picking her up!
I know you love your children. Don’t be so hard on yourself; I know I used to be. You have everything it takes to be happy inside yourself..you just have to allow it. You might have to give up your dream of having a boy; doesn’t sound like you could handle anymore kids. Maybe you’ll be blessed with a grandson.
Also, I was on medication for depression for a few years on and off and the side effects just weren’t worth it. Recently my doctor told me to buy a p.m.s. vitamin that is sold over-the-counter (or your pharmacy can order it) called Optivite ($15 at Target). After taking it for about 3 weeks, I feel like a new person. I don’t have the mood swings and deep sadness that I used to feel periodically throughout the month. I think it might help you too.
Good luck! 🙂
hey Tracy, we’ve tried that trick with her. doesnt work. it worked with our older daughter, never had to go in more then twice. with rebecca, nothing works. even at a month old she could stay awake for an hour in the car… i got a decent sleep last night though… i think we were all tired from the night before
Tracy, i’m trying the timed cry it out method… she’s so stubborn. i’m on the first of the 10 minute ones, she’s screaming still. she isnt non-stop screaming, she stops for a tiny bit, but still, the screaming gets me so angry. i have to stop from getting up and going to yell. both my girls are going to be grumpy today. lily is still awake (she takes a 2 hour nap each day) its 1:45 and i have to get them up at 3pm so we can get ready to pick up my husband from work. both are going to be exhausted and it means its going to be a night from hell as usual. anyways, i hadnt tried timed CIO for a few months i figured i’d give it another go.
Glad I found this site. I have a 3 year old and 2 weeks after the birth my life turned upside down. I suffered ppd which I eventually got over and now I deal with anxiety, panic attacks and general depression just from all the stress. I know having a kid was probably not for me and it was an unplanned pregnancy of course but I do love her with all my heart and the thought of her not being here hurts me. I am a stay at home mom and have been since giving birth. How do you ladies cope with this and stay sane? I feel like if I just ran from my responsibilities that maybe all my problems would disappear. Of course I wouldn’t ever do that because being with my child would be terrible. I guess it’s something that with time will pass. Thanks for the story though. Makes me feel a bit better not being alone because everyone I know who has kids are always claiming that they LOVE being a mother but I just feel so darn guilty for not loving it as much.
without** not with opps
Wow…I sat down tonight, wondering why I didnt just drop off my kids at school and head for the highway..Just by chance I googled what i was feeling and Thordora popped up…i could not believe there was someone out there that felt exactly as i do…This person had put into words what I had been feeling for the last 5 years…I could never tell anyone what I was feeling for fear of being a “BAD” mother. I saw so many people agreeing and I realized We all cant be bad….Thank you!
My husband came home from work tonight knowing I was at my wits-end with my 5-month old son’s whining all day long. He’s teething, but I’d done all that could possibly be done for him all during the day and nothing would make him stop whining. It’s been like this nearly every day for the past few weeks. I haven’t been able to get a shower or change my clothes for three days now. So tonight, I dissolved into a puddle of tears as soon as he came home, saying “I’m a terrible mother, I’m a failure at this,” and my husband very kindly took our son off my hands so I could have some time to myself for a bit. And then I fell completely apart. I was feeling very guilty for feeling like I didn’t want to be a mommy anymore. I’d wanted to be a mommy for so long and it took so long, and so many miscarriages, for me to finally become one, (I’m 38) and here I was feeling so angry with my little boy for his constant whining and making it IMPOSSIBLE for me to get any work done ALL DAY LONG, all WEEK long, and just wanting to walk away from it all! I beat myself up all the time for not being a “perfect mom,” for having no patience, or for wanting to complain about something I said I wanted so badly. I work from home part-time during the week and the rest of the time I am helping to manage the production company my husband and I have, and in the middle of it all is trying to learn how to be a good mother to my son and feeling like a miserable failure at it.
Then I got on my computer and Googled “I thought I would like being a mom and I don’t” and this site came up. I am so glad I found it so I could read all these honest posts. So many I could relate to. It helps so very much to know that I am not alone in my feelings and I feel so much better. And truly, I actually DO like being a mom…when my day is going well, I’ve had a decent amount of sleep, and my son is having a pretty good day, too…but when we’re both not having a good day, that’s when I want to put him in his crib, get in my car, and drive far, far away, never to return. But I would never, could never leave my precious baby boy. I love him so very much. Today was just a really, REALLY tough day, and it’s almost over, so hopefully tomorrow is a better day for us both.
Thank you, Thordora, for posting this blog to begin with and thank you to everyone else for posting your feelings and keeping this topic alive. I am so grateful I found it today. I really needed to read it. I am now going to go and kiss my husband and son and try to have a better day tomorrow.
I want to cry, scream. I hate being a mother so much. I used to be smart, stylish, successful, outgoing. Now our son is 23 months old and usually a terror. He gets jealous if my husband hugs or plays with me. Totally favors his dad and treats me like crap most times. Eventhough I am the one buying his food, clothes, supplies for daycare, toys, preparing lunches. Doing laundry constantly.
I work full time and have a pretty successful career, which I dont particularly like but the money is good.
I have a question–it seems like the majority of women on this site are stay at home moms. I wonder if that plays a role in how some of you feel. Being stuck in the house all day catering to childrens needs with no adult time, even if it’s just being at work around other grown ups?
Kathryn–
As much as I would love to have a ft job again, I would think that would make life MORE stressful, not less. Currently I work pt and that’s about all I can handle w/ my two kids. B/c all the things a SAHM has all day to get done, a working mom has to get done before and after work–getting the kids up, dressed, fed, lunches packed, sometimes dinners packed, doctors appointments, baths, putting the kids down for naps, down for bed, house cleaning, dinner, laundry, errands–the list is never-ending! I only work 3 days a week, and the days I don’t are just that much easier!
So, no. I don’t think being a SAHM (part-time) is the reason I don’t want to be a mother. I think some women have a personality that conforms to motherhood and some women don’t.
Hi all,im not sure where to start,but here goes: i am a single parent,46 yrs old and have two girls,22 and 17 yrs, my life has revolved round them,when they were little i loved being a mum and they were lovely,well mannered,well behaved,clever…..but sine hitting puberty i have hated ev minute of it,esp the youngest who was the sweetest one and never had a tantrum in her lie,none of them did.The younger one has been terrible for swearing at me and wishing me dead not doing no for slf,lazy screaming etc,my older daughters just returned home ,not really my idea! after 3 yrs,shes doing great but lifes become unbearable for me as they both are against me when they’re together and it’s like a war zone ev day,i lost my job to make it worse,they are both selfish and i feel why have i bothered all these yrs,i put everything into them and now its all being thrown back in my face,ill soon be left with nothing, only lately have i felt like i dont want to be a mother any more,i want to throw the towel in enoughs enough,i have suffered with depression and had councelling,and tabs in past.Ive had a bit of rough life myself cos never had any parents ,unf one died when i was 3,and other left and never saw me,i an cope with all that and other rubbish things but one thing i thought i iwas good at has became a failure and dont want to fight for it any more,ev i say falls on deaf ears,i feel like a horrible personn and swear back cos i feel like i have to defend myself all the time ,i dont know if i love them any more
I just have to say that motherhood is not that bad when your kids get older and they become your friends, its being a wife that makes you dream of swinging from a rope…lol, j/k…well…maybe not.
Oh, the days and nights of crying! My twins are 16 and I have been living in hell for the past two years! It is not just the age either, they are emotionally and physically abusive to me. I do not understand what happened to our relationship? My girls are vendictive and spitful, paranoid, hurtful, out of control, disobediant, any bad word that comes to mind, that is them. They ruin things I have on purpose, like my favorite shirts or pics of favorite stars, whatever is dear to me. They are lazy and sloppy, do not want to work. They do not want to learn any life skills in order to take care of themselves. I am so disappointed how they have turned out and even part of me wonders, am I going to stop loving them because the pain and termoil is just too much? We learn to stop loving the opposite sex when we break up with them, especially if the realtionship has been unhealthy, so who is to say we cannot fall out of love with our chidren when they treat us the same way. I feel so hopeless and if I had a way out I would take it!
Thank the powers that be I found this! I’m so glad to know I am not alone but also incredibly saddened that so many of us feel this way.
I have a 5 yr old daughter, she is starting school in the new year, I am completely overwhelmed by this (and many other things).
Most days I just want to pretend that the world doesnt exist, that no-one needs me to get them up and ready for the day, breakfast made, teeth brushed, hair done, dressed, organised…. all while I am still half asleep and wondering whatever happened to the joy I once felt at being a mother..
I simply want to run away and not look back but then I look at my beautiful girl and the guilt at feeling that way floods me and shames me to the core.
hey ladies. its been awhile since i posted, thought i’d update. i’ve been on zoloft for awhile and its helping tons. i’ve also been losing weight and after 22 years (or so) i’ve finally stopped biting my nails. so i’m starting to feel good about myself which reflects on my family. rebecca is now 8 months and while she’s still trying, we’ve past the constant crying phase and now that she’s learning and starting to become her own person, she’s become a lot of fun to be around
lily is 3 and so much fun. i love to hear her stories and her explain how things work. i’ve been doing great and i am starting to really settle into motherhood (you know, until the next big trying time starts, lol)
hope every one had great holidays and had some great memories with the family
I have been trying desperately to explain how I’m feeling to my husband. He just can’t understand and thinks I’ll feel better after I have lost the baby weight and the baby starts sleeping through the night.
I told him I’m in mourning. I’m in mourning for that happy, energetic, beautiful, hip woman I used to be and that I really miss my old self a lot. I cry everyday for her, and feel that basically my life as that person is over. I feel that life is over, in a way, and that I’m living only for these kids forever more. It’s very sad to imagine your life being over at age 33. I’m a miserable bitch everyday and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had enough of me and left. I hate that I’m like this but I can’t help it. Every second of my life is dedicated to someone else, and it’s all my fault that I put them into this world.
How do you cheer up and face a misery that has no end in sight? The joys of motherhood do not outweigh the miserable times. There are way too many more miserable times than good times, and that’s why I must focus on them.
I’m very resentful to all the media outlets, other mothers, and the OBGYN industries for glamourizing motherhood and not telling women the truth about what it i