Dear Rosalyn

8 Mar

2 years ago today, I was sitting, uncomfortable, bitchy and waiting for you to finally make your way out of my body, and into the world.

I estimated the 11th. The doctor, the 2nd. Neither of us were right.

I had trouble coming to terms with you, I had trouble coming to terms with me. Did I want another child? Would it be a daughter? Would I love it? Would I be a good mother to two children, when I was barely adjusted to one? Could I handle a toddler and a newborn?

Would I lose my mind?

I almost did. You almost did me in my girl, and you know what? Now you melt my heart in different ways, happier ways.

This morning, after your sister managed to open the baby gate, the two of you ran to my bedroom, filled the room with your joyous crowing. Despite my sleepiness, I smiled. You father gathered you to him, and as you were leaving Rosalyn, you came to kiss me and said “Bye Mommy”. I’ve waited so long for these words from you, for simple leave taking, and gentle kisses. My heart slips a bit in my chest each time, even when the kisses are denied.

So I cannot believe it’s been two years, I cannot fathom where 2 years have gone, and yet, they stretch behind me as representatives of what I’ve been through, where I’ve been, who I am. You have created your mother Rosalyn, carved me out of sadness and fear, and molded me into a woman who can stand up and honestly say “I am a mother.”

Mother’s are not born-they are created, they are mixed out of fear and longing, out of pain and heartbending love, they are shaped by nights spent rocking by the light of the television, by calls frantic to the doctor, by choices made. Mothers become in the afterglow of their children, and I sit glowing so strongly because of you.

I love you Rosalyn. I love you as the sun sets everyday, I love you as you scream your little frustrated head off at me, I love you when you cuddle in my arms, head under my chin, thumb in mouth. I love your pouts and your black devil eyes. I love the way your knees knock like mine. I love your bravery and resilience in the face of who I am sometimes.

You cling to me, in my mind it’s as a baby monkey clings to it’s mother, and somedays, I mind. Yet other times, I see into the future, and see the girl who won’t let me near, who won’t share her world with me, and I’m sad. I let you cling, since it will end all to soon.

Your time of magic is now. Your next few years will be years of wonder and change and growth and I await them. I await nights under stars, days running through grass in the hot sun, travels down the muddy path behind our home.

I await you further Rosalyn.

Happy Birthday.

10 Responses to “Dear Rosalyn”

  1. Kimberly March 8, 2007 at 12:48 pm #

    Happy Birthday Roslyn!

    Thor, you’ve come a long way, and I have all the confidence in the world that both your daughters are going to take you much farther.

    Enjoy the day. (But I strongly advise you to opt for the cupcakes πŸ˜‰

  2. Jason Dufair March 8, 2007 at 1:04 pm #

    Happy happy birthday, Ros. You’re a great mom, Thor. Your kids are blessed as hell to have you. To have someone who thinks and feels deeply about and for them. Your family has a bright future.

  3. karriew March 8, 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    Happy birthday, little Ros!! :*

  4. karriew March 8, 2007 at 1:15 pm #

    Ok, that is supposed to be a kiss.

  5. Oh, The Joys March 8, 2007 at 3:19 pm #

    Beautiful! Happy Birthday to her!

  6. Jennifer March 8, 2007 at 4:24 pm #

    Happy Birthday Rosalyn! She shares her birthday with ma daddy!

  7. thordora March 8, 2007 at 4:25 pm #

    Well, it’s actually tomorrow, but I’m under the gun, and had to get it out today. πŸ™‚

  8. Kassie March 8, 2007 at 7:51 pm #

    Your writing is wonderful. Your babies are lucky.

  9. katsplace March 9, 2007 at 8:43 am #

    Happy birthday Ros! The best parents learn as much from their children as they teach.

  10. Jen March 9, 2007 at 9:13 am #

    This is so beautiful! Happy birthday, Rosalyn!

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