Wilt

7 Mar

 willnoun

the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions

There’s nothing to say today.

Somedays, the words spill out of me like water on a fire, spurting and running in every direction. I cannot contain them. My fingers move at their own will, the phrases and feelings expelling themselves on their own, painting their pictures without my control.

Today is not one of those days.

Today I question my will, as I have all week. I have great difficulty getting going, despite a very large and serious deadline for Monday. I can’t focus, and I wonder why. I’m not preoccupied with any big thoughts, I’m not worried or stressed out, or sad. I just don’t give a shit this week. I try to, but I become distracted, and I flutter off. I spend too much time on the phone. I try and focus my brain to learn a new software program.

wish or desire: to submit against one’s will.

I can’t make it happen though. Between the groaning and coughing and sneezing of those around me, and the constant itching I cannot explain or prevent, I am like a toddler, constantly moving, searching, circling. But I can’t throw myself down on the floor and scream my little head off for nothing. I must be composed, I must remain sane, I must pretend that I am working, and that the inane conversations revolving around my desk aren’t happening, as I must pretend that the nail clipping ritual is also not happening, the click-click that revolts me so echoing in my ears.

I can’t focus my thoughts, or my eyes it seems.

disposition, whether good or ill, toward another.

I’m sick of people. I sick of whining, crying people. I’m sick of being positive, of trying to remain the cheerleader, sick of attempting to make things better for us, and for others. I can’t sustain this, if others continue to spill their bile in my direction, spilling off the phone and into my life. It’s not my job to make it better for you-just do it already. Be pissy all you want, just do your job and shut up. Leave me out of it.

to decide, bring about, or attempt to effect or bring about by an act of the will:

Yet I remain the cheerleader, I continue to use my little girl get you to do what I want voice, despite the constant muttering about the temperature, the only conversation I can hear as of now. I remain the person who moves things forward, somehow, despite my lack of focus and motivation. Lately, somehow, my words have been enough.

to influence by exerting will power

I will be the good and quiet worker. I will be focused. I will meet deadlines. I will find the words to cure you, to soothe you.

I will find.

5 Responses to “Wilt”

  1. Jason Dufair March 7, 2007 at 12:35 pm #

    Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays! 😉

    I’m unmotivated this week too. Bleh.

  2. thordora March 7, 2007 at 1:00 pm #

    You have no idea. And it’s not being helped by the fact that my bonus comes on Friday, and I want to go buy books and appliances!

  3. bine March 7, 2007 at 1:48 pm #

    i have to remind myself from time to time that it’s not my sole purpose in life to care for other people.
    it can eat you up.
    you sound like you need a break.

  4. venessa March 8, 2007 at 10:33 am #

    Egad, the blog world is depressing today.

  5. thordora March 8, 2007 at 10:54 am #

    Sorry! I’m not very ‘UP” this week. Too busy to be happy.

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