to see if I still feel

28 Feb

Last night was a bad night.

Lately, Rosalyn has been hitting all the 2 year old developmental stages. Everything is “MINE!”, she’s stubborn, she wants it her way. She’s having trouble with the bedtime routine. She’s having trouble be seperated from me.

This morning, she wrenched my heart out as I went on one bus, while she waited for another with her father. MOMMY! she screamed, her little face beet red, her eyes screwed up in an attempt to force tears.

I didn’t look back.

Last night though-I get home from work around 7:30. That’s roughly their bedtime. I’ve only started working 5 day weeks again recently, and I used to be home for 2 afternoons a week, working 10 hour shifts the other 3 days. Now when I get home, I’m tired and hungry, and looking forward to relaxing. Generally, by 8 pm, this happens.

Not the last few nights. Rosalyn wants to snuggle. She wants to cuddle. She wants to lean on Mommy and eat goldfish and mutter her little language in Mommy’s ear. She wants Mommy and Vivian and Rosalyn to lounge on Vivian’s bed.

Mommy, on the other hand, wants to eat dinner, and do some crocheting, maybe watch some House.

After around 40 minutes of trying to relax her and convince her into her own bed, I gave up, slammed the door, and fled. Rosalyn screamed and screamed and screamed, yelling MOMMY!!!!” as she rattled the doorknob. My father agreed that she needed to learn, and had to cry this out.

My heart squeezed itself, leapt up into my brain, and convinced me to run upstairs, lay down, and cry myself out in the dark.

Suddenly I was right back to the first few weeks postpartum, listening to her cry because she needed to cry herself to sleep. I was right back to hearing a little baby want her mother, and her mother being unable to react, to provide even a semblance of love and affection. I was suddenly that bad mom all over again, that horrible person who dreamed of heaving her out the window, who would quietly hope that she’d smother on her blankets, or just not wake up, die slowly, without blame, so she could return to her life. Those screams returned me right back to that world, one of fantasy, one where slicing open my own wrists is preferred to living through it.

My husband went to Ros, took her downstairs where she fell almost asleep on him. He put her to bed.

I am not able to do this. She is on me like a leech, like a tumour, trying to suck out life. She will not quietly go for me, and I wonder, is this because I let her cry back then? Is this the revenge for needing to find my sanity? Will she constantly be looking for my approval in life, now and always?

Will she ever just go to bed?

This is all compounded by many things. Vivian was the mildest mannered toddler ever, and she seemed to skip over all the “terrible” two year old stuff. (She’s making up for that now) I’m having a lot of guilt over not enjoying, and feeling like I basically missed the first year and a half of Rosalyn’s life-I walk past the baby sections, and realize I’ll never go there again, and I’m sad and upset with myself. And perhaps this weather reminds me of those times 2 years ago when everything just hurt so badly.

I know that Rosalyn is doing what normal children do, but why does it have to hurt so much?

6 Responses to “to see if I still feel”

  1. Heather February 28, 2007 at 1:57 pm #

    We didn’t let Freyja cry it out until after she was 1 – but damned if she isn’t a complete and total pain in the ass to put to bed now. For me. For daddy, she goes quietly and without fuss.

  2. bromac February 28, 2007 at 2:39 pm #

    I think you give yourself too hard a time about what you went through with Rosalyn as a baby.

    First, I really don’t believe she can have any memory of those days. She surely couldn’t have known what thoughts were going on in your head. Those are yours and only yours.

    Second, it sounds like she is just being a 2 year old. She doesn’t quite understand the world around her just yet and she needs her momma to feel comfortable in it. Not because she knows that you experienced PPD, just because she is only a babe.

    I have read several of these posts about your guilt over her first months of life. I believe it is you that hurts over those days, not Rosalyn.

    You have to cut yourself a break; stop punishing yourself. It’s ok to have those thoughts about your baby when you’re experiencing PPD. You’re not a bad mom or a bad person because of it.

    And I truly believe she will not be any worse for wear because you had PPD and you were confused about life in general.

  3. Marcy February 28, 2007 at 2:46 pm #

    I so feel what you’re saying. Amy has been yelling a lot more this week than she had been, and I hate how it makes me feel, and that I can’t be more compassionate towards whatever distress she feels even though I can’t figure out what it is. The bad mommy thing is all over me lately. And the “this is going to ruin everything forever and ever and it’s all my fault” thing, too.

  4. notsopregnantintexas February 28, 2007 at 3:19 pm #

    There is something in the air – from Canada all the way down to Texas. My son has been a complete and total terror recently and I feel like I’m going completely insane.

    I actually spent some time this morning trying to figure out if I could ask someone to watch him while I went to the gym – not because I need alone time, or I need to work out. No, I need to be away from him so I can feel something other than frustration at his actions.

  5. Oh, The Joys February 28, 2007 at 3:48 pm #

    This is such a real and honest post. I appreciate you for writing it. It’s so hard sometimes.

  6. karriew February 28, 2007 at 8:42 pm #

    Ugh.

    I think you nailed it in the beginning–typical developmental stage. Right there with you, only Max will cry until he pukes and screams as if he’s be tortured, so I’m cosleeping again–and not entirely thrilled about it.

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