Taking Drugs to make Music to take Life to

24 Feb

I don’t think my drugs are working all of a sudden.

Last night was bad, a freak out like I used to have before the drugs. I was crying, lashing out, being mean, unwilling to listen to reason, etc, etc.

I calmed down, eventually. I could actually feel the nothing behind the crying, but the crying was different, it was aching and echoing in my chest, and I was gasping. It was like I cried after my mother died, just blindly and with force. It’s scary, and uncontrollable.

I missed a dose of the Celexa the other day. I don’t know if that’s causing a natural dip to be that much more noticeable, or if it’s because my period is coming….who knows. I know my husband hadn’t missed being up half the night with me, or watching me act like and asshole and then threaten suicide. He hasn’t missed that at all. Last night I felt that I was slipping down a prepice into crazy, and it scared the hell out of me.

BUT, at least I got up the mountain FINALLY. 🙂

On another note, Rosalyn is driving me batty. Remember how I felt all superior because Vivian was the most normal even tempered toddler ever?

HAHAHAHA. Bowl of crow, RIGHT HERE. Rosalyn has a sudden forceful attachment to her winter coat. She slept in it last night,and I was only able to get it off her back today when it was covered in oatmeal by bribing her with Reese’s Pieces. She refuses to wear clothing most days, preferring to run aroun nekid. I refuse to buy her any clothes at this point, since she doesn’t wear the closet full of stuff. She’ll wear her sister’s Nemo shirt, or Batman/Superman/Spiderman shirts. Maybe a Dora or Backyardigans shirt if we’re lucky. She even tries to run outside lately.

I don’t really care, but it’s just annoying. But hey, i guess if i was 2, I’d run around nekid as well.

Did I mention that? She turns 2 very soon. 2 years old. I think that’s bothering me too-now that I’m “well” I’m sad for all the things I missed with her. I stare longingly at the baby books, and wish I could have been better with that stuff the first year for her. I wish I wish I wish….

I’ll get through it. Spring is difficult at the best of times. I just want this one to be ok.

9 Responses to “Taking Drugs to make Music to take Life to”

  1. Marcy February 24, 2007 at 4:39 pm #

    I’m sorry to hear about that. I’ve been experiencing a dip lately — not so severe, but still — and not sure what it’s about. I haven’t really felt angry since I started Risperdal three weeks ago, but today I did. And I’m crying more…

    I have a hard time thinking back on the first two months… and especially the first month. She seems to like me well enough now in spite of how unable I was to be around her at first…

    I’m surprised to hear you say spring is difficult… maybe there’s something I’ve missed. I’m looking forward to longer days, warmer weather, taking Amy outside to look at tulips and such. The nice thing about winter here is the beautiful snow, but the problem is it lasts for so long — we won’t really have spring until May.

  2. thordora February 24, 2007 at 6:06 pm #

    My mother died in April, so most of the usual build up to “woohoo! Nice weather!” is wasted on waiting for the day to pass.

    This year I’m determined to not let it affect me. It’s just another day, albeit one that’s tattoed (badly) on my body.

  3. Kimberly February 24, 2007 at 7:11 pm #

    When we outgrow our Spidey stuff, you want I should send it on? I can also hook you up with a totally awesome Spiderman pez dispenser for Easter.

    Re loves her winter wear as well. If she doesn’t want to take her coat and hat off when we come in, no big. I find the tropics like sweating a bit amusing, actually.

    Yay for the mountain! Although with that metaphor, both “She’ll be coming around the mountain” and “The little engine that could” are both forever changed for me.

    And missing a dose will absolutely fuck with you like that.

  4. heidi February 25, 2007 at 11:35 am #

    Man, what a shitty thing to have lost her in the spring. I imagine everyone’s chipper mood gets annoying to you. I’m probably intolerable- I get really perky. My mom died July 10, and last year I actually forgot the significance of the day. Molly just totally distracted me, and that was the day I started work. So, I cried all day but not about Mom, at least not consciously. I was shocked (and almost guilty?) when I realized I hadn’t obsessed all day.

    I kept meaning to ask, have you tried Lexapro? I think it’s like the next generation of Celexa maybe, and supposed to have fewer side effects. If they’re as similar as I think my Dr. said maybe you’d adjust easily. Then you could have rocking sex to help you through the springtime? Just a thought. I hope your slump evens out very soon.

  5. Krista February 25, 2007 at 2:50 pm #

    Come to think of it my mom changed for Celexa to Lexapro and is fine w/ the change. She had to chage due to insurance. The patton ran out on Celexa and the generic didn’t do well for her. Her doc did tell her that the 2 were related. Plus Lexapro has several years on its patton still.

  6. Jason Dufair February 26, 2007 at 2:59 pm #

    Sorry you had a major dip there. I really hope it’s a one-time thing.

    And now you’ve got me singing “She’ll be coming around the mountain when she comes…” That song will never be the same.

    Emma is the opposite of Ros, regarding coats. She refuses to wear one, even when the wind chill is 20 below outside. She did, however, sleep in her new shoes last night. And she insists on changing into Ian’s pajamas whenever she’s home. Same thing. Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc. It’s pretty cute.

  7. bromac February 26, 2007 at 4:32 pm #

    My therapist tells me that eh firmly believes medication can only help about 15-20%. The rest we have to do on our own.

    Considering what I’ve read of your history this time of year, it is going to be more difficult to control that 85%.

    Sorry to hear you had such a shitty night.

  8. thordora February 27, 2007 at 11:26 am #

    A lot of it is me-I have to work some stuff out in my head, and figure out where I am with it. Slowly, slowly. It’s just that everytime I think I’ve found a new “normal”-something shifts. It’s like the eating thing-every time I start eating well and exercising, something moves, and it’s this terrible effort to not eat crap all the time.

    it’s like learning how to walk. And it sucks.

  9. Windy Mae Salcedo March 11, 2007 at 7:41 am #

    Hey! Idol! Why did u cut ur hair? Your’e so pretty but you waist it…..

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