Hidden sadness doesn’t lie

12 Feb

I’m not sad anymore.

I’m not much of anything. Attaining any type of release lately is well nigh impossible. I’m blocked. It’s like when you have a cold, and you try and try to blow your nose, and your godamn sinus cavities will not give it up, and you make that lame “snrtk” noise and give up.

My emotions, as well as other things, are like that right now. It’s the most frustrating thing.

You’d think I’d be happy-I haven’t really cried in weeks, aside from a few stray tears when I was really upset about something. I haven’t felt that pressure in my chest, that heaving sadness prelude to crying. I haven’t felt my heart fill up either. But my dreams-they’re another matter.

All night last night, I dreampt I was crying-really crying-sobbing, death sobs. In the dream I had found a box that contained all the answers to my life, pictures from when I was born, the time between birth and adoption, written memories from both my biological parents. The words of my dead birth father. I cried to have it, I cried to open it, and I cried even harder to know what it contained.

Can I only cry in my dreams now? Is that all that’s left to me? Has Celexa robbed me of normal feelings along with the urge to off myself? To outside appearances, I’m actually normal-relatively social, friendly, not so cranky. But I don’t feel like me inside-I feel like it’s just become easy to fake it, to pretend that I’m someone I’m not.

I do not like this sam I am.

I woke up exhausted, couldn’t get out of bed. The Dorf was upset that I made him get up, was cranky and yelly with the kids. But how do I explain all of this when I’m barely coherent, unable to move, paralyzed by this hidden sadness that I cannot vent? I can’t help but feel that Celexa hasn’t removed the problem, it’s merely covered it up and stashed it somewhere, ready to spring at the worst moment.

In my dream I held myself, grinning in a photograph, holding my infant self. What am I clinging so tightly to?

8 Responses to “Hidden sadness doesn’t lie”

  1. notsopregnantintexas February 12, 2007 at 10:43 am #

    I know that feeling of being backed up emotionally. It’s like you need a gallon of Draino and a plunger to make sure everything gets out.

    In addition to Celexa, I’m wondering if you’ve started therapy. Ahh…the great “talking cure”. My friends joke that if you haven’t cried in front of your therapist that you aren’t getting your money’s worth! Seriously, just a couple of minutes in a awkward room talking about your problems will make you cry in no time….

  2. Marcy February 12, 2007 at 11:04 am #

    I have certain books / movies that are helpful cathartics… depending on what’s getting at me. When I feel cruel I read The Scarlet Ibis. When I feel angry at God and unloved, I read Till We Have Faces. Sometimes this helps me get at those emotions.

    But sometimes I go through that dry place, too, where it is sort of nice to not have a sore nose and eyes from all that crying, and to be able to be with people without freaking out, and things like that, but at the same time I feel disconnected from myself.

    Sometimes it’s really that stuff is hidden or blocked, and sometimes it’s about learning to find myself even when I’m feeling okay.

  3. bromac February 12, 2007 at 12:54 pm #

    Maybe Celexa isn’t the right med for you???

    Or maybe these new feelings are more towards normal than you have ever been and so the absence of the sadness is just too foreign.

  4. puddlejumper February 12, 2007 at 5:45 pm #

    I’m not the best person to ask about Celexa just now (see my post if you don’t already know why)

    I do know what you mean about just feeling “not much” though.

    Maybe it’s the Celexa or maybe bromac is right and this is what “normal people” feel all the time.

    I wish I had the answers honey.

    🙂

  5. misspudding February 12, 2007 at 8:07 pm #

    I agree that maybe this is what “normal” is. I had a bipolar friend in college. She was diagnosed right as I was meeting her. I thought she was batshit crazy for a while, then she was “normal”. That’s when – I’m sorry to say it took her being “normal” – I really opened up to her and she to me.

    She explained how she’d just been diagnosed the few months previously and had finally found a drug that worked for her: lithium. I asked how she felt? She said, “You know, it’s great, because I can be there for my kids, I can go to classes regularly and not get in trouble with my teachers, or the law, for that matter…but I just don’t feel the way I used to.” “How’s that?” I asked. She said, “You know, I painted my entire house with murals in one weekend once, in a manic phase. I know that as long as I’m medicated, that’ll never happen again. It’s like part of me died.”

    It was sad the way she had to explain it, but I’ll agree that she was a lot better, to the rest of the world. I used to have conversations with friends of mine, about how I thought she was the most irresponsible, flaky person. I had no clue. Now, I do. Now, when I see a person like her, I think twice before the judgement.

    Perhaps you’re just “normal” now. Try to talk it out with the therapist and see where that gets you. You might never be the way you once were, but you may learn to appreciate it, as well as the old you. Good luck.

  6. thordora February 13, 2007 at 9:25 am #

    I stopped therapy awhile back because it wasn’t really helping me much, and I couldn’t keep taking time away from work. When I’m not in crisis, I find it hinders more than it helps. I get tired of talking about my life, and events in it, and I end up feeling that I’m just shooting the shit with someone who’s being paid for it.

    I know it will pass, and that it’s likely just what many people feel everyday. But it’s odd for someone normally hyper sensative to life-I’ve been going out of my way just to feel something lately, and that is just as odd to me.

    And pud, it’s like that. It’s like there is a piece of me that’s being melted away. I just don’t know if I should miss her.

    I’m going to keep trying the Celexa for a while longer and see what happens.

  7. postman157 April 21, 2007 at 3:24 am #

    I’m sorry to say that I know just what you are feeling. They say it gets better, and maybe it does. The question is does it really matter? I didn’t want anything better. Good luck I liked your post.

  8. judy May 25, 2008 at 9:52 am #

    I have been sad since I’ve been a very young person. My mother attempted suidice when I was 5 and the little catholic town we were living in did not accept her cry for help but instead shunned and whispered about us, and actually pointing at us on the main street.
    I was asked to leave many of my new friends house as a child and this of course made me sad because I did not understand this rejection. Kids at school would tease and ridicule me without provocation and this sadden me. My marks went down from an average to way below average, and I was eventually sent to a special class (first in Canada) for children with learning problems, and then placed (2) years behind my peirs, which I didn’t mind because they were cruel people and I didn’t want to associate with them in any way, my inside freak out if I see them to this day.
    As an adult I’ve had many long relationships with men but none of them loved me back or enough to committ and this has saddened me. But who am I in the mix of all of this and who cares that one person in 4 billion feels sad, But I’m not stupid or conceited enough to not realize that I’m not alone with these feelings, but I am alone with my own.
    I have learned to live with my sadness and I think I’ve fooled many people into thinking I’m happy, (I will admit I’m well adjusted considering) but it’s the saddness that I just can’t seem to shake. My heart always feels so heavy like after long cry , but I would never cry or feel sorry for me, but since my menopause my hormones have turned a switch on and the tears just flow at the funniest and silliest things. I wish I could control these emotional outbusts because I feel so naked after hidding for this for so long. The crying still has not released the saddness I feel in my heart ” I think I’m hyper sensative”.

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