Say bye bye baby

9 Feb

The high chair went out the door last week.

Ros is slowly adjusting to her big girl bed. (When I say slowly, I mean most night start out in the bed, and end in the crib since she likes her crib)

There are few true baby clothes left in the house.

No baby food, no bottles, barely any kid size cutlery. Sippy cups have been upgraded.

While I had a hard time with my children as babies (ok, let’s be honest and say terrible) there is this niggling sense of missed chances and time as I think of all the things we’ll never ever do again. I’ll never have that new mom feeling ever again. You know the one-that half terrified and half excited joy. The afternoons that went on forever as you stared at your child, time that stood still because you couldn’t do anything. The newness of all that “stuff” people gave you. The sense that you’d never be alone ever again. The stark “I have no idea what to do” that always hovered over your head.

This as been replaced by a preschooler singing “california diahrrea, california uber alles” on the basement floor, and a toddler who screams for her supper and snuggles at every chance, burrowing in my arms. I feel older-older than actual time allows for. Vivian will be 4 this year. And yet time has felt so slow, yet fast. How can it move both ways at once? She’s a child, a little person now, yet I remember, vividly, holding her in my arms and being uncomfortable and bored and upset and yet so fiercely protective. I remember wanting her to disappear. I remember my heart melting as she grinned and I swore I’d do whatever I had to do to keep that grin on her face forever. That all I wanted for her was her happiness.

I don’t mourn their infancy. I mourn mine. I mourn that period of newness, my beginnings as a parent when everything seemed so new and perfect, and nothing was discolored by bigger issues, the ones that heap on themselves as time goes by. I miss those quiet mornings alone when life seemed to open itself up to us, waiting for us to grasp it with both hands. I’m sad for time I cannot have back, for days I couldn’t enjoy.

I mourn the woman I was becoming, and wish i had stopped to say Hi.

3 Responses to “Say bye bye baby”

  1. liprap February 9, 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    “California uber alles?”

    I don’t think so…


  2. Samantha February 9, 2007 at 6:44 pm #

    My girls are growing up too fast too. Outgrowing their baby clothes, bottles and cribs. I feel your loss…Loss of the little things that meant so much to me. The smell of their baby heads, their cuddling and giggles…

  3. jkdufair February 9, 2007 at 10:46 pm #

    Hear hear. I miss being young parents of young kids. The immense potential and countless dreams for your kids.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: