as a cool April lets each moment stun

2 Feb

Another day in the mall, another walk through crowds, men, children, dirty looking high schoolers sucking on candy slurring their way through the food court.

My eyes find a mother, and grandmother. The grandmother holds her tiny granddaughter closely, uncomfortably but not minding. I catch her eye and smile. She glances at Ros and grins back.

Inside my head I scream and cry-“Why isn’t that MY mother holding MY daughter? Why not goddamn it! It’s not FAIR!”

The scream doesn’t linger in my head, but it leaves a sadness that floats in the air for awhile. I miss what I never had. I miss that my mother was never able to hold her granddaugthers in that way, was never able to spoil them, to wipe their tears, tell them stories about when I was bad. I miss that I have no real idea what I was like at their age. I miss that she didn’t have a chance to love them.

My scream never escapes my mind, but I worry that it strains at my eyes sometimes, that it’s the reason that most mother’s don’t smile back. Because I smell of loss and fear. Because sometimes I just want my mommy for my daughters.

Title taken from Villanette for a Cool April by Robyn Sarah

4 Responses to “as a cool April lets each moment stun”

  1. heidi February 2, 2007 at 9:50 pm #

    I feel this way, too, so much. I’ve started dreaming obsessively about my mom again. Most times, it’s like having Molly helps heal the loss, but sometimes I feel exactly what you wrote hear and the gaping black hole where she used to be hurts so bad I can’t stand it.

  2. Nat February 3, 2007 at 7:54 am #

    I’m grateful for my mom being around. We were never close when I was young, but things changed when I had a daughter of my own.

  3. thordora February 3, 2007 at 8:55 am #

    I’m so glad they changed for you. Watching your mother light up when Rita is around is one of the sweetest things to watch.

  4. Missy February 3, 2007 at 8:46 pm #

    You can scream here.

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