Popped

3 Jan

Despite my whining, and general handwringing the other day in this post, after a few days of “holy shit, the lure of dying is strong with this one” I broke down and took the Celexa for the first time last night.

Why does it feel so much like defeat? And WHY do these things always dry your mouth out?

But I’m scared, far too scared to think that I’m actually going to do the deed. It’s like my mind is possessed, driven by this compulsion I cannot even name. It’s a slithery seductiveness, almost a soft whisper in my ear telling me everyone else would have a better, easier time without me around mucking things up.

Rational me knows this is bollocks. Crazy me nods and thinks, “gee, that IS a good idea”

I’m afraid that one of these days crazy me will take over and win the war that is my brain.

I like my life. As I sat sobbing in the Dorf’s arms last night, physically aching, I wondered in a dry part of my brain why I couldn’t feel the love my family has for me, why it was so hard for me to just be happy dammit. I envy you who is just happy and normal and yourselves. I cannot feel that. Either I’m high as a kite wanting to love everyone (can you imagine what would have happened if I ever took E? Thank FSM my body seemed to know I couldn’t handle it) or I’m dragging my ass through mud and sad. I cannot just be. And things hurt even more for that realization.

So i jumped down the rabbit hole after all.

8 Responses to “Popped”

  1. puddlejumper January 3, 2007 at 7:30 pm #

    Welcome to the club babe!

    I’m on the same stuff. It has helped curb the old suicidal tendancies. Very much. Took a few weeks to kick in.

    Dry mouth, slight nausea (like morning sickness) and feeling just a wee bit fuzzy, but only for first couple of days. And pleased to report the sex drive thing seems to be temporary also. Mine has returned. As has the “o” thing.

    You know what I’m talking about.

    =HUGS=

  2. jkdufair January 3, 2007 at 10:23 pm #

    I ache that you ache. You sure don’t deserve being dragged from extreme to extreme. Here’s hoping the Celexa has some benefit for you. I’ll be thinking of you often and checking in daily (of course).

  3. choleric January 4, 2007 at 2:39 am #

    Could be worse, could have been on Paxil and you wouldn’t have had a choice BUT to take it.

    Worst. Withdraw. Effect. Ever.

  4. feartheseeds January 4, 2007 at 5:05 am #

    Well Hello… and how are you this morning? I just dropped this off at Puddle’s, thought you’d be interested as well:

    http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/01/03/binge-drinking.html

    Excerpts:

    * Clinical depression is more strongly linked to binge drinking in women than in men, a Canadian study suggests.

    * The pattern fits with the idea that women use alcohol to counteract depression more than with the idea that chronic alcohol consumption tends to make women depressed, said Sharon Wilsnack, a professor at the University of North Dakota School of Medicine & Health Sciences, who commented on the study.

  5. thordora January 4, 2007 at 8:43 am #

    I was on paxil for a short period a few years ago. I stopped taking it because I suddenly had ZERO libido, and it scared me. Thankfully, no withdrawl, likely from the short duration of taking it. Likely titrated too high at first, but regardless, that shit scares me.

    That’s why I don’t drink often featherseeds. makes me read the CBC site. 🙂 And I’ve drank to blackout many times when younger, and don’t plan to do it again.

  6. Missy January 4, 2007 at 3:17 pm #

    FS–I think too many young people and women have undiagnosed depression and self medicate with alcohol and drugs.

    But what a drag to have to experiment with prescription drugs over and over trying to find the right one.

    I’m thinking of you. I hope the new stuff helps.

  7. choleric January 5, 2007 at 1:53 am #

    Lucky then. Its horrible. You are woozy, have no sense of balance, you feel like you are getting electrocuted every step. Like little lightning bolts coursing through your brain. You are numb everywhere. Made me freak out more the reason why I was on it.

    So I suppose you can say it worked!

  8. Magdalena January 5, 2007 at 10:05 pm #

    I use this stuff called Oasis oral lubricant- it sort of tastes like a shot of minty cum at first, but it really does help. I hope the Celexa helps you.

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