So this is where I resolve, right?

31 Dec

Since it’s Dec 31 for the next few hours, I guess this is where the requisite ‘year in review” post should go.

But it was just another year in the life of someone with kids, really. Time moved too fast, my ass shrank too slowly, and I read far too few books. Instead of asking what I did with the year, I’d like to ask where it went.

Sure, I know where the days have gone. I just wonder if there’s a box somewhere that holds all the time that’s slipped through my fingers, that I can cash in later in life. During my daughters pregnancies, or in case someone I love becomes terminal with something.

I spent the year paranoid, and anxious, and equally joyous and in love. I was diagnosed as “crazy” (also known as Bipolar II). I learned that just maybe, my fuckups are not my fault, at least not in total. I’m just as confused at who “me” is, me as a mother, me as a wife, me as a person. But I’ve found some vague acceptance of all of it, of my ass, my batwingy arms (dear gawd no!) and my life as a mother.

Being a mother has by far been the biggest mindfuck of my life. I still look at myself and wonder who let me have children! And keep them! I look at other families, and I can say yes, those are adults. I can’t say that about us. And while I can’t find what “niche” to call me, I can still be comfortable being who I am as a mother which, if I think about it, if much, much more important.

I’ve resolved the guilt I’ve held over my Post Partum Depression. It was NOT my fault. I am not less of a mother, or a woman, because of it. I did not kill my daughter. I will have no more. But it wasn’t my fault either, and was the gift horse that led to my diagnosis.

I love my family-for once in my life, I can truly say I love my husband and my daughters with this enormous surge of emotion I can hardly control. I have accepted love, and allowed myself to give it. It’s been the scariest thing I’ve ever done. But I did it.

Damn I’m good. 🙂

I have my troubles still. the entire month of December was an exercise in distraction, and I don’t know why. I worry continually that I’ll lose my job. I can’t moderate my eating habits in spite of my mood swings. I still don’t know how to sew.

I’ve made friends in the computer-all of you, and for once, I feel like I CAN make friends. Of course, i’m terrible at commenting on a regular basis, and I likely say all the wrong things. But I can count “meeting” all of you as one of the highlights of this year.

I’ll be 30 this year.  My birthmother would have likely just have noticed she was pregnant with me 30 years ago. I would not have even quickened at this point. Hell, in all likelihood, I was concieved on New Years. I don’t know. But I wonder tonight about the women who gave me away. And I raise my glass to her. I do not hate her, I do not love her. I accept her. And that’s all she can ask for, really.

Every year takes me farther away from childhood, from becoming, from loss, from a life so vastly different. More and more, I learn that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. To everything there’s a season after all.

I figure this year, my summer finally starts.

Happy New Year all. I hope it’s a good one.

13 Responses to “So this is where I resolve, right?”

  1. Eden December 31, 2006 at 10:40 pm #

    A toast for you, my blogfriend. I remember back in February or so, one of my first comments to you was about your coworkers discussing their bowel habits. Don’t know if it was that post or a different one where I said something like, “Oh black eyeliner chick, come sit next to me.” And you did! And I like riding in this handbasket w/ you 🙂

  2. krista December 31, 2006 at 11:15 pm #

    Well here I sit enjoying my neighbors love of shooting their money into the sky in a disply of colorful sparks. *raise glass* Thanks Kathy and Andy. It is quite a nice display that I can enjoy from the warmth and comfort of my computer desk. Now I did spend $5.60 on some little spinning colorful things that Lance and I shot off earlier, so I am not the total scrooge. But this year I have no “I hate New Year’ Eve Party” to attend. You see the hostess is with in 10 days of birthin’ baby # 2. There is a story behind then name of the annual party….but that is for a different time.

    Friends………August 2003…………that is the day that sold my self into road hell…….that is when we first crossed paths. That has been awhile! I enjoyed sharing our emails on suprise pregnancy, etc. It has been a pretty good year!

    40 min to go my “far East” friend…… 2 h 4 min for me.

    What does Roz think of the fireworks? Lance says “Whoa!” after every one. It’s too funny.

  3. Southerncharm January 1, 2007 at 2:40 am #

    HAPPY NEW YEAR! It has been a joy getting to know you through the ole net! I hope 2007 brings much joy,happiness, acceptance, patience, understanding and all the other things that are some times impossible to obtain. Much love to you all!

  4. landismom January 1, 2007 at 8:23 am #

    Happy New Year! I love the idea of time being stored in a box, to be used when you really want it to slow down. Hope you have a great summer.

  5. katsplace January 1, 2007 at 10:45 am #

    Happy New Year!

  6. Nat January 1, 2007 at 12:56 pm #

    Love this entry! One of my top 10 faves on your blog so far. 😀

    Happy New Year!

  7. karriew January 1, 2007 at 2:23 pm #

    Flapping my own batwings in your direction.

    Happy New Year!

  8. ~atom~ January 1, 2007 at 4:49 pm #

    Happy New Year!!

  9. puddlejumper January 1, 2007 at 5:12 pm #

    Happy New Year mate.

    You have indeed found a friend in me.

    Keep the positivity flowing.

    x

  10. liprap January 1, 2007 at 8:07 pm #

    A happy and a healthy (ier) new year for you!

    I kick-started mine by putting together a bunk bed Dan hauled all the way from a Houston-area Ikea (there’s no Ikea located anywhere in Louisiana, so these are the lengths my husband will go to to save some moolah) just for the little guy.

    You’ve been through one heck of a year, sounds like. Just hold on and keep on writing like you do.

  11. misspudding January 2, 2007 at 2:48 am #

    Here, here!

    Happy New Year. I hope you find more comfort and closure in your life this year.

    You’re one of the few people I’ve found online who I can truly say I like. Sure, I don’t know you personally. Sure, you’re one of those wacky people from up north (I promise, I’ll stop stereotyping you Canadian people soon enough). Sure, you’re batshit crazy and have batwing arms…but so do I (though I’m not diagnosed with anything nearly as cool as bipolar II)!

    God, I really think you need to start a support group for us folks with batwing arms. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had them all of my life. No graceful, ballet-dancer lithe arms here!

    I love you, sweet Thordora. Thanks for being such a great internet-friend.

  12. thordora January 2, 2007 at 8:46 am #

    Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

    You done gone and made me almost cry.

  13. jkdufair January 3, 2007 at 12:09 am #

    Happy New Year, thordora. Your posts are always great, this one is no exception. No skimming them – you’re liable to miss them.

    Thanks to your blog, I picked mine up from a once-a-month-blab-about-politics-or-music to a I-gotta-get-this-offa-my-chest affair.

    You’ve definitely shined a bright light in my pretty dark 2006. So thanks. A lot. Here’s to a good 2007 for all of us.

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