Let it Ride

16 Nov

Not only am I dopey as fuck from my meds and being depressed, I think I’m getting a REALLY bad cold or something. I hope it goes away-generally, my body wins the war of roses, but I had a feeling I’m not winning this one. It’s been dancing around me for a few weeks now, and has suddenly escalated into a hack and stuffed lungs.

The thing with the bipolar that bothers me is this-it fucks with my sleep.

I LIKE to sleep. I can sleep for days, then lay in bed reading, then go back to sleep.

When I hit a downturn, suddenly I don’t sleep. Or rather, I lay there, my eyes are closed, but my dreams are so heavy, I’m not truly sleeping. I wake up for no reason at 1:30am, 4am, staring at my ceiling, wide awake. My mind races, and I feel stunned, yet throbbing. I drag my ass from bed to toilet, hoping that’s all it is. I stare out my kitchen windows, blankly, wondering if anyone else is looking out onto our wet and dirty road. Am I the only one up waiting?

I was “asleep” for over 9 hours last night. I feel like I haven’t slept in a week, I’m slow, I feel fuzzy, like a hangover, or better yet, like the day after dropping acid. Like my brain is immersed in liquid, or jelly, and it can’t break free. And today, add to that the feeling that my lungs are going to fail me at any second. I haven’t smoked in over 2 years, and my lungs today feel like smoker’s lungs. 

Last night I screamed at my husband for him throwing a laundry basket into the laundry room. I lost my shit, and could feel nothing but blind annoyance and rage towards him. No reason why, nothing discernible or reasonable. Just because. I was eventually able to push out “I’m cycling” through my gibberish. He put it together, said he’d leave me alone, and ignored me. He’s learning. I’m completely unreasonable, and oddly, I don’t feel bad about it. I can’t help it, I can’t fix it, all I can do is ride it out.

Ride it out, like breaking a horse.

 Let me ride on your grace for awhile….

2 Responses to “Let it Ride”

  1. Jason Dufair November 18, 2006 at 12:47 am #

    Hope you’re feeling a bit better by now, thordora.

  2. thordora November 18, 2006 at 8:25 am #

    Slowly….it always goes up again..

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