here we are

15 Nov

If you couldn’t tell by the downward sprialling of my posts, it’s cycle DOWN time!

WOO HOO. heh. Not.

I could feel it approaching last night-it was like watching the weather radar on the Weather Network. You know it’s coming, you can see the heavy snow parts of the front slowly making their way towards you, and yet you just can’t look away, or get in the damn house. It’s gonna be cold, distracted, and unpleasant.

I fucking hate this. I wish there was a magic pill that would take all these swings and peaks and valleys and just hide them away. It’s the oddest thing, feeling the sadness wrap you like a blanket, watching absently as your person crawls into a little space in your chest. You get quiet, and spaced out and odd. You don’t get happy, you absently chuckle. You can’t gather your thoughts, and you sit at work wasting your time writing in your blog, listening to Tortoise and the new Decemberists album. You can make yourself useful, can’t bring yourself to care.

It will pass. It always does. I will kiss my daughters before bed. But I will also think about dying. I will think about slitting the veins on my arms slowly, I will think about the bottle of tylenol on the window sill. I will think of all the traffic outside. I can’t help it, I can’t stop it. I will want to hide deeply in some hole and never be forced near people ever again. I will wonder why people are so tacky and vain, and driven to impress people they’ve never met. I will wonder why they think they are special, when they really aren’t. I’ll wonder how my husband can love me, when I wake foul from dreams of death which really do not bother me. I wonder why I dream, night after night, about dying, and blood and so many people I’ve left so far behind. I wonder why my pills are working less. I’m waking at night again.

I’ll wonder why I bother.

This is not a cry for help. I will not kill myself. I will not hurt myself. But I will want to, how tempted I will be with the idea, how strongly it will reach for me. How hollow my chest will become, with rage and sorrow and fear and pain. But I won’t give in.

Tomorrow might be better.

14 Responses to “here we are”

  1. Magdalena November 15, 2006 at 4:46 pm #

    Can your docs maybe try something else for you? I mean, maybe if the meds seem to work less and less, you are building a sort of immunity to their effects? I am only saying this because I can’t imagine having to feel like that on a cycle.
    I remember having some of those same exact thoughts during my PPD. Ever since I got PPD, even after the meds and after I weaned and years later, I still get the same kind of disturbing thoughts. It’s like I was never the same again.

  2. Eden November 15, 2006 at 7:36 pm #

    I know it’s shitty. I can’t imagine how you hold it together but you do & I admire that. You know I wouldn’t blow smoke up your ass either.

    When you need to open up, we’re all here.

  3. Squirrel November 15, 2006 at 11:08 pm #

    I’ve got bipolar also. I went through many, many meds that would work for awhile then quit. I’ve been taking Risperdal 1mg for about two years now and I have never felt better in my life (i’m 40 and it’s been a long miserable life let me tell ya!). Don’t mean to sound like a know it all, just letting you know what worked for me.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon!

  4. liprap November 16, 2006 at 12:27 am #

    For a good friend of mine who is bipolar, lithium is the thing that works for her.

    Hang in there, madam…

  5. Krista November 16, 2006 at 12:34 am #

    Just an interesting tidbit. The med mentioned above “Risperdal”. That is another med that Travis takes. We use it for mood stabilizing. (I tried 2x to fix that spelling)

  6. Kimberly November 16, 2006 at 12:45 am #

    You are unique. I guess I’m looking from the outside in. You have an ability that I don’t. Odd, but when I read your blogs I realise something…..You value your GOOD days. You take in every moment of every day that is good for you and to you. I take for granite the good days….I look back and sometimes can only see the bad days. Don’t know if it makes sense to you, but I get so caught up in the humdrum of life that I should be more thankful and unique.

  7. Joyce November 16, 2006 at 1:06 am #

    of course there is nothing magical to say. Its just so freakin hard, even though you know its some stupid chemical dip. try and tell your repetitive thoughts that. they don’t listen, that much I know.

  8. thordora November 16, 2006 at 8:53 am #

    Thanks all. I’m hoping it will lift sometime today.

    I’m going to up my Trileptal to 600mg for awhile, and see if that works. If not, I’ll ask my doctor for some options. I don’t want to be on 10 different things….this was working, I dont’ know what happened.

  9. Venessa November 16, 2006 at 11:23 am #

    Can I just tell you how amazed I am at your strength and self-awareness whenever I read one your “down” posts?

  10. thordora November 16, 2006 at 11:40 am #

    Thank you Venessa.

    I’m very self aware, to a stupid degree. I like to “study” things-thank god I never finished the english/philosophy double major or we’d all be in trouble.

    I get a number of hits for bipolar, and I know I’ve learned more from people who are “in” the trenches than any book.

    And I’m not that strong. I just play strong on the internet.

  11. Eden November 17, 2006 at 2:59 pm #

    Flex for me, baby.

  12. Missy November 20, 2006 at 2:31 am #

    Reading your post is fascinating. Do they (“the experts”) have any fucking clue how this disease works? The way you describe it is just really, really interesting (though I know it’s really difficult for you). I just have to wonder…is it just hormones? Environment? What?

    Good luck.

  13. thordora November 20, 2006 at 8:53 am #

    Missy-there are a lot of unknowns with this disorder, and from what I’ve read, answers aren’t always easy to come by. From wiki:

    There are a number of conflicting theories on what can be considered the cause of bipolar depression, and what may be a symptom, none of which are yet widely accepted as correct.

    So that’s the nice way to say “no fucking clue”

    Read more here.

    Although, I’ve come to discover one of my aunts is bipolar, which made me feel better somehow. They say that 2/3’s of us have a close relative also affected, but it’s environment AND genetics. I’m thinking in my case, the predispotion was there, and events in my life “pushed” me into it.

    OR, I was just always crazy.

    I’ll likely be writing about it in the future, because of all people, I find it fascinating. But I have issues. 😛

  14. puddlejumper November 20, 2006 at 3:24 pm #

    Have been so wrapped up in my own shit I never popped by, sorry, you sound like you’re having a time of it too.

    For what its worth I like reading about your issues. It helps take my mind off mine!

    I also have an aunt (and possibly an uncle -chronic relapsing, high functioning alcoholic anyone?)

    So I think genetics plays a big part. Ever read any K R Jamieson stuff? She’s a psyche proffesor and bipolar sufferer who has done research into family trees of famous bipolar folk.

    In my case I think life events masked a diagnosis. I’ve had episodes since I was 13 but there was always something else going on in my life to blame it on. Its only recently, because the last few years my life have been “good”, that the docs started to notice I was still mental.

    I think its good to have a network of like-minded souls.
    I do hope you’re past the worst of it for now.

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