To you who searched “my birthmother hates me”

26 Oct

You made me cry this morning, first thing at work as I stared at those words in my referrers list. It was stark, and hard, that combination, the simple sadness of it, the anger too.

I doubt she hates you. Not the “you” that thinks about where the universe ends, and where good food hides when you’re hungry. The “you” she doesn’t like is the one who took over her body, possibly the you who caused her parents to treat her like a thing, demand she give you up. Maybe the you she hates is the one she sees in herself. What she could have been. Where she could have gone.

How different her life could have been, if only, if only.

Do not take her words, or your impressions, to guide your life. She was only the vessel. She did not teach you to read, kiss your cuts and sores, hold you when your heart broke. She did not explain why life isn’t fair. She didn’t hold you through the night when sick, or handle 3 months of colic.

She’s not there now, when you sit up late at night, wondering what to do with your children, how to make them who you want them to be. She’s not there when you wonder why your hands are as they are, or why you cramp just so.

She’s not there.

She doesn’t hate you, she hates the idea of you, who you represent, everything she has lost, who she thought you would be. She hates your choice in wife or husband.  She hates your perfume.

She only hates as much of you as she’s allowed. So take it back.

21 Responses to “To you who searched “my birthmother hates me””

  1. liprap October 26, 2006 at 2:16 pm #

    Dear God.

    The person I consider to be my dad is the one who raised me. Biologically, we don’t share the same genetic material, but we have the connection of years of shared experience, of funny and sad moments, of disciplinary actions and opportunities to teach. Getting so hung up on one’s genetic ancestry denies what is already there and has been there for ages – a loving, caring parent. It also hurts that parent more than you will ever know that you are bitter over something that was largely out of your control.

    You are correct on your assessment of “My birthmother hates me”. Leave it alone and focus on what is right in front of you. Put your energies into life, not anger.

  2. Raida October 26, 2006 at 2:17 pm #

    Wow, this post got me just a wee bit on the teary side. Sad but beautifully written, Thordora.

    Hopefully one day this person will understand the truth of your words.

  3. thordora October 26, 2006 at 2:20 pm #

    I can’t imagine having to search that phrase. My birthmother and I are not close, but it was never hate.

    It was just, time, and distance, and numerous hurts neither of us could fix.

    and Liprap, you are right. A parent is not genetic.

  4. Norie October 26, 2006 at 2:37 pm #

    That was really beautiful.

    Probably a young person. How sad.

  5. Rae October 26, 2006 at 4:21 pm #

    Read The Primal Wound. Read it.

  6. Jen October 26, 2006 at 4:23 pm #

    Beautiful and sad.

  7. barb October 27, 2006 at 11:05 am #

    your words are truly powerful. and they made me very sad. as a birthmother, i can only hope the Kiddo will forgive me someday.

    be well.

  8. liprap October 27, 2006 at 11:57 am #

    Oh, barb, that made ME cry.

    You be well, too.

  9. thordora October 27, 2006 at 12:07 pm #

    Barb, I think most of us never truly hate our birthmothers, and they don’t hate us.

    But we wonder. Some small part of us is always wondering what’s wrong with us.

  10. Jennifer October 27, 2006 at 3:13 pm #


  11. extrapolater November 2, 2006 at 9:07 pm #

    Brilliantly written. Short and sweet. My wife and I are considering adoption right now, and I’d hate to think a kid would have those kinds of thoughts to lug around forever.

  12. Lauren April 19, 2007 at 10:52 pm #

    That made me cry. That is my biggest fear as a birthmother, that she will hate me some day or think that I hated her. We have an open adoption and her birth father and I see her every month, but I’m terrified of the day she decides she no longer wants to see me. It gives me that wrenching feeling in my heart everytime I even think about it.

  13. thordora April 20, 2007 at 6:14 am #

    Lauren, I doubt that she’ll hate you. As much as my birth mother and I don’t get along or talk, I know she made the best decision for me.

  14. Laurel August 10, 2007 at 12:03 pm #

    I’ll take it back when she takes back discarding me after “exercising a lot to make me come early” and not naming me.

    I’ll take it back when she doesn’t have to “pray” before she talks to me after I spent 6 years looking for her, as if to say Jesus probably finds me shameful too.

    I’ll take it back when she wants to talk about herself and maybe even me–not (every single call) about how awful it is that her divorce means she has to mow her own lawn.

    I’ll stop hating her the moment she tells her two real daughters I exist. I swear, I really will. Until then? Not much.

    • Lukingforanswers June 27, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

      I’ll give you a story, I come from a very large family. My mother had my oldest brother maybe at 16 and she then met my father and before she and he got married she became preganant and I think she was unsure if my oldest sister was for him. So, she left her with my grandmother her mother. So being a young girl in the neighborhood a lady either offer or my mother ask her to help her raise her. To this day my other sibblings and I or wondering just what happen. Well, one day the lady that knew my mother when over to my grandmother’s house and told her my mother told her she could come and get the baby. Well, at this time my mother is married to my dad and preganant for me. And all this time my sister is with the lady and her husband well my mother just forgot about her baby and finally the lady changed my sister’s whole name. As my sister and grew older we would see her at Christmas time. And yes, she was my father’s child. Then, may 12 years past by and I must have been 10 my father died and one day my mother when to the lady house and said she wanted to take my sister to her house and bring her back later. Well, just before it was time to take her back my mother told my brothers to board up the door and she held my sister tell her , she’s her mother and she was staying her with us. Well, the police came and make her give her back. From that day on we never got a chance to see her until I got in high school so happen we attend the same school and I was so glad to see her,but she didn’t feel the same she told people she didn’t have no sisters and brothers. Well, that really hurted me and my best friend said come on girl don’t worry about that. Well, that how it was and it remain. Well, at this time were out of school and adults and I met this guy I was really crazy about and he was crazy about me too. One, Saturday he ask me to go out and I turn him down because my paternal grandmother was sick. Well, that night she died and I had to prepare for her service. While, at my grandmother’s wake I stepped out into the lobby area and quess who came through the doors my boyfriend and my sister she did’nt say a word. But, look at him and said what the???? or you doing her with her. He then left taking her home and calling me telling me he thought we looked alot alike and would always ask her if she has a sister and she lie and said no.. He then stop seeing her and she went to Cal. to stay with her adopted mom people never telling him she was preganant came back when it was time to deliver. Since, then we have had lots of fights not physical but words. She’s always been jealous of me cuz I very outgoing and I go on as though it’s nothing and she can’t stand it. But, with her and my mother oh my God! my mother says up to this day she don’t want to hear anything about her and neither do she want to have anything to do with her or her child. Tell, what kind of person say these types of things.

  15. thordora August 10, 2007 at 12:17 pm #

    I didn’t mean “take back the phrase” Laurel. I mean more in terms of reclaiming your anger. Making it meaningful. otherwise, you’ll wear yourself into the ground.

    Own your anger. Let her go. Take back what is yours.

  16. Ken November 6, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    Thanks for your take. As a rejected adoptee (by my birth Mom) I struggle with understanding how one can possibly have no interest in their own flesh and blood.

    I only seek answers, nothing more. An occasional phone call with a quick answer to continue my journey.

    I am merely the result of her actions, not the reason. Give me a freaking break!

  17. skyebluepink March 10, 2012 at 10:31 am #

    This is so true. I don’t hate mine at all – I feel sorry for her and the feelings she must carry around with her. But I am ever so frustrated that she would allow me into her life again and then give me up a second time because once again it’s just too difficult…

    • Ken March 10, 2012 at 10:58 am #

      Isn’t it always about them? (Birth Moms) It is never about your birthrights or heritage. Stop being a bother and let them get back to their little peaceful world. Hey, they have never had to search the faces in the crowds, that is until they know one of those faces could be one of us. As much as she wants to make me disappear, I know I got in her head and she can now join me in our life sentence. Bitter, damn right!

      • Jonny June 28, 2012 at 3:15 am #

        After initially accepting me, my birth mother apparently changed her mind, which hurt worse than if she had rejected me outright. She told me she had never longed for me and had considered killing me. According to her, “any pregnant 18 year-old girl who knew how this has turned out would go ahead and have an abortion”. But my God is bigger than her and He pulled me through. Plus, I know who my “real” mother is, and it’s not her, it’s the woman who raised me, who loves me and who guided me as I grew up while my birth mother wallowed in dysfunction. Experiencing her rejection made me realize how much I have and how strong I am. I faced a life long fear, took it like a man, and kept on going. So in a weird way, I’m thankful for it. God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him.

  18. Richard May 26, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

    I liked that a lot

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