Don’t you have someone you’d die for?

30 May

Sometimes, the world is this nasty ass piece of work, you know? People throw their kids off a balcony, rip others off, act terrible, and generally make the 16 year old in me stamp her feet and want to yell IT’S NOT FAIR!!

Sometimes, as I sit here with a full belly after making the spaghetti MY way, and listening to my children giggle and run circles around themselves in my backyard, I think about how bloody lucky I am.

If you had asked me 10 years ago if this would be what I had, if you had told me that I’d be happy and married and the mother to 2 incredible little girls, I would have told you to stuff it. My future didn’t include a family. It included cats and a suicide pact.

I couldn’t see a future. My present at that point was so bloody painful that imagining 30 wasn’t possible. I couldn’t see that far-it was just black. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting me enough to have babies anyway. I really didn’t want babies. All my life I’d had people leaving me, hurting my, breaking my heart a little further all the time. How could I love something, someone else? How would I ever survive if something happened to them?

10 years later, and I can see, with a light that only life, experience and maturity can bring. The world didn’t end because my mother died when I was 11. The world didn’t end because my neighbor like to put his hands down my pants when I was 7. The world didn’t end because my father became the alcoholic he had spent his life running from. The world didn’t end because one sad little girl wanted to die. I was brave enough to hope that the future would be better. I said all the time, if 30 was as bleak as my life had been, I’d end it all.

Oh time, you fickle creature, what have you done to me? I’m almost happy, despite the waves of moods I ride. I’ve found this odd peace with myself, and with being happy. Cause you know, for a long time, I didn’t feel like I deserved it. How could someone so broken ever dare to find fulfillment, happiness?

About a month before I delivered Rosalyn, my husband and I took a night walk in the snow and cold, one of those nights where your breath hangs in the air but it’s not that cold, just cold enough to feel it. I talked to him about feeling that finally, I had found that one thing I was actually good, actually meant to do. I talked about how complete it made me, and how conflicted I was with this, I who never ever wanted children. And yet how there was no escape, no way around the fact that this somehow made me whole, and had shown me that yes, you can be loved, you can safely love.

It’s a pretty incredible thing, when you stop and think about it. I, who never felt allowed to have the things everyone else had, never even felt like I had permission to dream about them, finally had all of them. A loving, warm, kick ass husband. 2 amazing, stubborn, smart beautiful children. A house that needs TLC, but backs on to what seems like paradise. I’m living a life that many people want.

I’m happy with my life. 10 years ago, I was ready to try and end it again. It’s amazing what a little time will give.

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