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“ungrateful bipolar”

4 Jan

I’m trying to understand why you searched for this. Is your wife constantly pissed off at you? Is your husband unable to appreciate what you do for him, everyday despite him turning from a loving husband to a huge prick no matter what you do? Did you give a gift and they were unable to appreciate it, unable to articulate their thanks?

My MIL called on a day I was woefully unprepared to be on the phone, and I stuttered and blathered and sat quietly through the conversation, unable to pick up on or even find the cues she meant for me to find. I stared wildly at my computer, at my child, my husband. I passed the phone off to my child a few times, and she handed it back far too quickly. The MIL couldn’t get the hint, and I started to panic.

I’m not ungrateful. I wouldn’t have a new orbital sander if it wasn’t for them. I just don’t always know what to say, especially if “thank you” doesn’t quite suffice. I am at a loss for words quite frequently, and maybe your person is as well. Sometimes, you’ve already said thanks, and you don’t quite understand why you need to say it again.

We’re not ungrateful. We just don’t get it.

When I was about 18, I used to get into actual arguments with my writing teacher about why I hated being asked/asking people ‘how are you?”. He argued it was an accepted insincere statement meant as part of a greeting ritual-I viewed it as something mindless and unneccessary-why should I greet someone I have no interest in, soliciting information I don’t even pay attention to? I hate it when people do it to me, and I end up forced to lie and say ‘fine”..

No one wants to hear “Well, I had the runs last night and I’m still feeling a bit incontinent, but other than that, Great!”.

Maybe they’re ungrateful because they just don’t get it. Much as I don’t understand the “How are you-Fine” exchange, they might not understand how to suitably demonstrate gratitude. I have to force myself to show it sometimes, even when I do love something. I’m so used to trying to hold a cynical front, that it’s become difficult to really be me. And perhaps your person has that trouble too.

Be comforted in the knowledge that they likely know they’re being asshats. They just don’t know what to do about it.

My husband is googling me

6 Dec

“bipolar wife infuriates me”

Oh, this is totally me this week. I’m foul, and mean and my normal self censor, courtesy of my mother, the queen of “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing”, has disappeared in some cloud of “fuck it”. I’ve been telling people off left and right, I’ve been a little more blunt  the normal, and I’ve been driving the Dorf nuts. Mostly, by acting like him.

Refusing to back down, not understanding why someone is pissed off merely from what I said out of honesty, that’s the game this week. And I AM infuriating as all hell lately. I just don’t understand why. But I suddenly have an even shorter fuse for the brain surgeons who live in the “city” I live in. I’m sick of being nice to them, I’m sick of “understanding” why they can’t seem to see the big freaking flashing lights at the crosswalk. I’m tired of walking through crowds os smokers who just MUST stand in front of entrances. I’m fucking tired of stupid, period

Sadly, the Dorf falls into this category because he doesn’t listen either, and it’s driving me bat shit. I’ll say something,  he won’t actually hear it, and I’ll bite of a piece of snark, and he’ll get all whiny and pissed. THEN I have to spend 30 minutes trying to explain WHY I’m annoyed at him in the first place.

It’s really quite tiring, truth be told. But I’m being infuriating for no reason I can discern. It just came out of nowhere-and when directed at others, he’s happy. I usually take a LOT from the local idiots before I lose it, but lately, it’s like I’ve just given up. Stupid is as stupid does after all.

So, you who searched for something about your infuriating wife, I can sympathize, since it seems to just be part of the deal. It comes and goes though. Tomorrow, just like me, she’ll be nice and sweet and loving again.

Perhaps.

Monsters

2 Dec

“i’m bipolar, feel like a monster”

I like to take items from my search referrals, because sometimes they speak to me.This was there this morning.

You are NOT a monster, but oh yes, you will feel like it. You will be filled some days with such searing rage, burning hate that you won’t recognize yourself. Even your children will be ugly and pointless. The world will owe you, and you could eat it.

Other days, life will be filled with so much wonder and beauty that you can hardly imagine you can absorb it all without exploding. Your heart will expand and contract, and you won’t be able to catch your breath.

Most days though, fall in the middle, and you have trouble finding your way. You feel isolated from everyone else, from the people who don’t get it. You find few people you can stand, let alone bother with. You like people one day, and not the other. You’re commonly referred to as a bitch because you just can’t handle people. You stand around, wondering where the common ground everyone talks about is hiding. You don’t dare let yourself feel.

This does not make you a monster, any more than it makes me a monster. It makes us different, harder to grasp, and sometimes meaner. But oh, when we’re good, we’re very very good. Our hearts are just too big, and our brains, just a little left of center.

I wish I knew the answer

23 Nov

You searched for “make in-laws leave”. On Thanksgiving. Are they that bad?

No,  I’m sure they ARE that bad. I can imagine. But sadly, I don’t have the answer. Does anyone? Do we poison the stuffing? Give them actual coal for Christmas? Have loud sex in the room next to theirs?

 Any suggestions, as you all sit in a turkey induced stupor?

I don’t know who you are….

7 Nov

but whomever searched for “i want to throw my husband under the bus”,

 I fucking LOVE YOU.

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