“Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up.”

10 Jul

I am free.

Squinting, I can make out the road of my life, bending and turning here and there. Ruts in the road in places, some where the sides fall off and you’d slip off into the nothing if you weren’t careful. Some flat stretches of road, the ones you coast on with your arms in the air on a warm August night, with nothing on your skin but the buffer of the wind and the goosebumps you feel rising up your back.

I have ridden it, I have been made nauseous by the steep climb and abrupt falls. I have marveled at the glory which stood beside me, the new lives, the smiling hearts. I have stood motionless as the world fell before me, waiting. All I had to do was reach out and pick it up.

This road was mine once, with it’s chaos and it’s absolution. I left a child there, a girl, a near woman, parked near a tree with low hanging branches, heavy with fruit.

I have found a corner.

***

I was riding the bus home tonight, my forehead leaning slightly on the window as I stared at the setting sun. It lit the clouds until I could imagine they were bands of silver reaching in supplication to a dying sun, penance paid. They glowed around the edges, diamond saws. I smiled to myself, wondering if anyone else was watching the ordinary magic play out before them.

I feel both ordinary and magical.

I was broken, and yet now, can barely remember how it felt. The aches and agony of a few years past have faded, and I smile again. I laugh once more. I laugh because it feels good, and right. My dreams are coming back-and not the terrifying dreams of death as they’ve always been, but pedestrian ones, the ones you maybe should have, where you fly, instead of someone chasing you around a skyscraper with a gun in their hand, bullets painted with your name.

I realize then, what I have wasted. How much of me I have wasted, how much time has slipped past me while I was busy contemplating  my ache. And I realize how much sweeter the day tastes when you grace it with a smile, a laugh and a shrug, content to race the morning.

***

I feel radiant. I feel centered and whole and hopeful. I growl at the walls in my bathroom and shake my fist in warning. I start heaving doors from hinges, leaving the sander close to terrify the wood into submission. I buy curtains for what may certainly be the first time in my life. I write lists and make plans and think of all the wonderful things I’ve yet to do, and can do, if I will it.

The radiance comes from the surety that I am truly whole now. The shy smirk-that comes from having to lose almost everything to find me.

Hot damn it’s good to be back.

7 Responses to ““Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up.””

  1. flutter July 11, 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    you ARE radiant

  2. patois July 11, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    Hot damn, it’s good to know you’re back!

  3. Lili July 12, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

    Awesome :)

  4. sweetsalty kate July 12, 2010 at 9:23 pm #

    There’s nothing that makes you feel radiant like industry. Really, a sander is the peak of it. I can’t wait to see your place next. Go go go! xo

  5. auralay July 13, 2010 at 12:03 am #

    Thank you.
    Lately, this is something I’ve been needing to read.
    I’m not sure if you’re here writing for other people specifically or just writing for yourself via public forum, but this is… amazingly inspiring.
    I keep a turbulent balance- if you can even call it a balance- and lately I’ve been hitting the rumble strips more than usual.

    “I realize then, what I have wasted. How much of me I have wasted, how much time has slipped past me while I was busy contemplating my ache. And I realize how much sweeter the day tastes when you grace it with a smile, a laugh and a shrug, content to race the morning.”

    I don’t want to wake up from this in 10 years and tell myself I wasted my life. I don’t want to. I want to wake up now, and what you wrote is like a prophecy of sorts.

    Reading back, this sounds sappy and fan-girl-whirled, but the gist is a simple thank you note.
    Thanks for helping.

    • thordora July 13, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

      Dude. Making me cry is bad.

      But thank you. I don’t want to wake up feeling wasted anymore either. Life is much, much too short.

  6. trinity67 July 13, 2010 at 4:47 pm #

    Good for you.

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