Man, there’s a novel right there.
For a long time, I’ve kept my husband at arms length. While lithium has improved and stabilized my bipolar, old habits die hard. It’s easier for me to block myself off, to remain remote and mute, to huddle on the couch and speak little for days. The interior dialogue in my head helps me forget that I’m not actually talking most of the time anyway.
Frankly, it’s easier to push you away than to try and deal with you.
Partners represent many messy, painful things. Trust. Love. Commitment. Responsibility. Things that sometimes, we want to forget. Things that scare us. Trust is a big one for me. I have a very hard time trusting anyone, partly from being abused, and going on to lose my mother, partly from my latent paranoia. There is a gated complex around my heart and brain, and very few people have access to it. I do not trust people enough to allow them the privilege of potentially hurting me. (It took awhile to get over this with my children)
Letting my husband in has taken time, and even now can be a shaky thing. I’m so raw in some ways, that trust equals exposure. If I hurt, it means it’s even easier for him to hurt me. So best act fast, suckerpunch, and move on. That way he can’t say or do anything that might break my heart. It’s the equivalent of people who break up with their respective other only because they heard that they were going to do it, and they’ll be dammed if they’ll let their girl/boyfriend do it first.
I push him away because it hurts less. It’s not so dangerous.
In my experience, things that I love go bad. They die. They hurt me. They betray me. The thought of willingly exposing myself to these things-it’s chilling, and terrifying.
Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.
None of this is fair to the partner who is at the other end of it. There’s even been times when I’ve been like “Divorce? AWESOME idea.” Those times are scary afterwards, when you figure out how close you’ve come to ruining everything in your life that actually holds any meaning.
Your partner isn’t pushing you away because it’s you, not likely. It’s what you represent, what you are. Hug them anyway. Tell them you love them. Break down that wall.
Let them push. But hold firm, and catch them when they fall back to earth.
Where vultures Fly…
I am the husband at the other end. I come home sometimes never knowing if this will be a good night or a bad night. I pray for the good. Sometimes I let my guard down.
It was such a good day. Texting each other about the red fishnets she won on ebay. Can’t wait till they come in! “I love you”, she loves me back. I got a text later that said, “don’t you miss me”? I respond back an hour late, “always! I miss my babes”! I come home from work. I am exhausted today. The new baby, 5 hours a night takes it’s toll. We share nightly duties. My mom was babysitting. I never get to see her. I walk in the door. I accidently woke the baby. My mom asks me how my day is. She talks alot. Twenty minutes later, my wife gives me those eyes. She’s mad. Oh god no! Not now. Now what…?? think think think! What did I do wrong. My stomach gets warm, I feel really funny all over. My heart races. I’ve got to stop it quick. I tell her I love her. I go to hug, kiss, embrace. I ask her to sit on my lap. She’s beyond upset. Right in front of my mother. I forgot to kiss her when I came home. She thinks I don’t care about her. I try but now she pushes me away. Goes to take a shower. My mom asks me what just happened. I tell her I have no clue. I guess I should have given her more attention when I came home. I guess I shouldn’t be tired. I don’t know. The sky starts to come down on me. I ask her when she gets out of the shower what she wants to eat for dinner. She says nothing. I tell her I am sorry, that I love her. I was just tired, distracted from the baby, my mother. She won’t hear it. It becomes all about her feelings, and how she is tired too. She magically is able to conjure everything from the past, and the waves of shit come at me. I don’t dare defend. Been there, she doesn’t care what I think anyway. I am everything horrible. Think of the worst things, and thats what I am called. The worst ones are worthless and pussy. I hate those. They hurt the worst. I could stand up for myself but it escalates. I can leave, but she yells these things out the door. I live in a condo. Everyone hears. I cover my head with a pillow. Wish myself on a gorgeous beach, telling myself I love her, I love her. Sometimes it goes for hours, and I don’t exaggerate.
The worst of all I guess, is the horrible things she tells me about me. And then when she is done, she closes the bedroom door, and I am left to just sit with it all. She says divorce like it’s no big deal. I love her so much. I don’t want to go there. I know this is just an illness. Brain chemicals right? Because we can be talking about fishnets and butterflies the next day. She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know. I think I will probably die early in life. My heart hurts all the time. My stomach, always nervous and warm. Not a good warmth. I feel like a daisy, love me, love me not. I only have so many petals… ~Sean
Man, so nice to read that Sean. I think you painted a perfect picture. I did not marry my girlfriend (now ex as of last week, again). But for the past year its been constant ring shopping and pushing me to move in together until I did 3 months ago. I warned her we needed to work on the relationship more but she insisted she would be a bitch until i did. Well sure enough, lots of arguing over the stupidest things and the whole time me not remember what happened exactly one year ago when she had her breakdown episode into a month long mania. So i argued back and now of course all the hate has come out as she has gone into a episode exactly a year later from the last. Same phrases coming out, everything. I am suddenly a “fucking psycho idiot”, she doesnt love me, this whole thing has been a error, says we never should have slept together and she is disgusted and that she hasnt been into this for the past year. Not a SINGLE good moment according to her in this state of mind. I can count 100s. Its just unreal, as the days of a episode go on the excuses and outlandish reasons come flying out of a hat. I am suddenly the co-dependent one although i didnt want to move in together. Basically overall i am now the mistake and a joke to her. Unreal. So now its back to miss independent who doesnt want a relationship and doesnt love me in that way etc…. and boom, instant wall and distance and out tearing up the town with heavy make-up. High-five myself : /
sean, i feel for you. i was dating a bipolar for 4 years. undiagnosed, but i know he was bipolar because lucky me, the guy before was also, so i knew all about it. i had that pain and warmness in my stomach, ive been called every name in the book by him. he gave me a beautiful ring on our 4th anniversay of us dating and then broke up with me 2 weeks later. i know this sounds horrible but i call it cancer of the soul. ive been so good to both bipolars. really the perfect girlfriend and was treated like shit. soon after we broke up he started calling me again, but i told him to get lost. i feel sooooo much better. my stomach feels normal for the first time in a long while. i will never go near one of these people again.
Jay,
At the same time, where is your sympathy? Where is your human decency? Do you think it is part of the person’s personality or control to act like they do if they have an episode due to bipolar. Your opinion, that you were the perfect girlfriend, was well off. If you cared about these people you would not take their abuse at all, but insist that they get serious help. “Cancer of the soul”. You disgust me. “These people”. Who do you think you are? 1 in 6 people have bipolar. What you have written is incredibly insensitive and ignorant. You should be ashamed. There is a corelation between bipolar and creativity, “these people” have a deep beauty within them that should be embraced not frowned upon. Wake up!
“Ouch!” One of “those” people? Remember, that there aren’t any “bi-polar people,” but there are people who have a disease called “bi-polar,” which is treatable. Jay, I hope to heaven that you never get diagnosed with anything that will leave you feeling alone and needing someone with the attitude that you have towards others who are not in control of the cards they were dealt in life.
i am really glad to have read your post, jay, contrary to posters who responded to you. why is it that the victim of bipolar must always be the person who has it? what about the people who are constantly abused by that person, no matter how much they try to help them? we’re not saints, and patience has a limit, so why should the world suddenly revolve around someone because they are diagnosed with bipolar? also, i feel it very naive to assume that a simple diagnosis actually means one has bipolar. mental health is an industry and certain illnesses are in vogue at certain times; right now it’s bipolar. we should not forget, as well, that human beings are often too lazy to deal with their issues, so the opportunity of excusing one’s bad behavior by blaming it on something like bipolar can be very tempting, rather than taking responsibility for oneself and actually dealing with it and doing the work necessary in order to respect other people. modern society is so incredibly spoiled; neither mental illness nor physical disease remove the burden of human responsibility, no matter how much some of us would welcome such an excuse…
Jay, I too will never go near “one of those people”. For me it was a 17 YEAR ride with a BP, ADHD-pi, Borderline woman. As far as compassion, that was ripped from me when she started to pose a threat to the safety & development of our children. The “poor me, I have a disease” wears thin when a husband & two children question if the momster is capable of love. I won’t debate that. What IS real is the developmental & relationship issues they bring / exasperate / create by making everyone else’s lives & aspersions secondary to their oozing Hell.
Isolate them, medicate them, drug them & charge for admission. The 10% of marriages that survive are codependent farces, not relationships.
As far as genius BS, BiPolar is “the expression of polymorphisms in the alleles of genes in chromosome pair 15″ The same expression for schizophrenia. BiPolar overlaps schizophrenia at some 30,000 allele points. In the midst is OCD. Depression is easy enough to empathize with & understand.. but get this MANIC is not “happy”. Manic indicates maniacal. Many BiPolars are indistinguishable from full blown psychotics (voices, delusions, etc). Living with Dame Jeckyl & Madamme Hyde is not worth the damage.
Wag your fingers all you want “aught to be ashamed”. I will tell you to your face. You are EVIL monsters. It was two decades of my wasted time.
Hey Sean,
How are you ? It’s so amazing that I can relate to
everything you stated because I have experienced
this with my wife also, I believe this is true about
the chemical imbalance, but sometimes it’s very difficult
to understand and deal with.
Recently, I had gotten close to a bipolar female. Nothing about us made sense. I’m 53 and she’s 37. Her ex has custody of their 14 year old son and he has a restraining order against her for stalking. She chased me till I gave up. Now all at once, she’s moving to a new job, and is cool to me. At first it stung, but when I remember how much I did NOT want to get involved with her, I sighed with relief. I had mentally ill parents, and did not want someone like her in my life. Sounds cold, and she is a sweetheart, but the drama I can’t deal with. Her past if a nightmare at times. Some people can’t be saved…
Sean –
Are you still with your wife? If so, I want to know how you are and if this has been a good decisions for you.
I have been with a man I love very much for 5 1/2 years. I did not move in with him until just before our 4th year of dating. Until I moved in I never realized the depth of his illness. In fact, until this week, I didn’t know that he was bipolar. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t have anything to “pin it on”. I have read so much on the subject and feel so validated at this point. But, how do fix this? Knowing the truth and resolving are two different things.
Once I moved in with him, episodes happened quite frequently usually involving drinking or getting high. Sometimes he was elated, other times he was nasty and mean, angry and verbally abusive. Other times he would be emotional and cry. I couldnt’ believe it was the same person that I loved all of this time. Ten months into us living together, he caused a huge, drunken, ugly scene at a family event. The police were called but we got him out and home before they got to the location.
Once home, his tirade continued. He threatened to kill me, my family and anybody else he could think of that night. He told me to get the “f” out and that he could replace me. He had women come and go in his life and I was no different. I went numb. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. So, I lay there in our bed, alone, and prayed that he would fall asleep in the other room. Eventually he did and in the morning I left and I haven’t been back to live there since. However, I have continued our relationship, because the “good” parts of him are so good that I do not want to let him go. He has done so many kind things for me and others – but the bad times are soooo bad, especially lately. They seem to be escalating.
We have been back and forth for 10 months. Sometimes I sleep at his house and others nights I go to my parents home. I have reached a point in my life where I need to take care of myself and get healthy so that I can take care of him. Do you think that is possible? My goal is to get a place for us that I am able to maintain myself – his home is small and dirty and he doesn’t finish any project that he starts. The home I would pick out would have a special room or garage for him. I’d make a “cave” for him to retreat to during his episodes. It seems like the perfect solution for both of us. We would get to be together during the good times, I can handle the abuse and have learned to not take it personally, and he can have a place to fight and let out his demons. (During most of his manic phases he drinks, gets high, listens to really loud music and hides in the garage or the basement where he writes down all of his “ideas” which are usually so far fetched and have no basis in reality, but I tell him they are great. I never want to reject him or make him feel bad – he does enough of that on his own. I am constantly stroking his ego and giving him praise for any little effort or task that he completes.
His dream is to work and rebuild cars. I recently started my own business in the hopes of having more control over my income and also flexibility to be there for him during any of this “phases”. Also, not having the responsibility of looking after a house and worrying about an income, I hope, will give him the time and energy to really work on his dream and his cars.
This past Saturday we had a great evening. He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and we were spending time together. I had agreed to move back in sometime in the next fews weeks, I just needed to work on some of my own things first. So, I had begun to stay back at the house more frequently.
Saturday night, he went outside to his garage and began drinking and was cheerful and full of his “ideas”. But somewhere around midnight, I could hear him getting louder and decided it was time for me to go so that he could continue his venting and I could get a good night’s sleep. When I went to say goodnight, he told me to go and this time to not come back. He told me I was to blame for holding him back from his dreams, that I was a failure and that I was dragging him down with me. Yes, it hurt for a moment, but I am strong enough now to realize that his words are weapons to use against me – they are not my reality. I could see the torture inside him and did not want to abandon him, but, I honored his request and left. Every fiber of my being wants to run to him to make it okay again. Am I fooling myself into thinking that I need to go back to help him? How can I leave him at a time when he needs me most? Do you think I am the one making him bipolar?
He has no idea that there is anything wrong with him – althought I suspect he really does know that there is something different in his head. Do I approach him with the idea of bipolar disorder? Do you think this will calm him down or will he flip out and be insulted?
I love him so much but fear that I am kidding myself or becoming delusional myself in thinking that I can be a savior and take care of him and still function normally myself. My family and friends have seen enough and are worried and sick for me that I continue to stand by someone who so disregards my own happiness and has caused so much UNhappiness.
Truly, I am torn……………..I love him so, but fear for my / our future.
Don’t feed the trolls
When You Love Someone With All Your heart. Letting Go Doesn’t Feel Life An Option. My Boyfriends names Chad too. I Think his Going Through An Episode And Has pushed Me Away to Move On because of The Episode But I Cant Because I Know He Doesn’t Mean It. He Is Usually So Rational And Strong That The Reasons He Gives For The Split He Would’ve Wanted To Work Through Them if He Was Who Was Just 4 Weeks Ago.
So As The Best friend Of .Somebody With Bipolar I Must Feed The Troll Because I Dont Know Any Other Way. Maybe im Too Weak To Leave Or Maybe I Love him Too Much. All I Know Is The Man That Broke Up With ME Wasnt The Man Who Said I WAS The One Just 3 Weeks Before.
Hi flo….You sound like a very warm hearted woman from your story…I have been reading many things about bipolar to understand myself more as I suffer that condition..I am an extremely creative man with so many talents yet so haunted by the world,life and a true reality as to what most “normal people ” experience…I can be this surging force of creative thought and intellect and then crush down to hiding under the sheets like a child begging for someone to take care of me….Yes bipolar are wonderful caring people who ingratiate everything with such force but can so easily come down from that strength…and be destructive….I have never hurt anyone with my condition as I just go into a hole and people will call me wondering where I am and how I have been. and most times I will never answer the phone and just hide to try and get better….Yes other bipolars do vent emotion and get angry with loved ones and say bad things as that has never been me…as bipolars are very different….I’m sure your partner does adore and love you but is incapable of true connected emotion when he is going through his personal demons…..yet he would cut off his hand to change things…I always wished I could be with a bipolar woman as I would feel very safe knowing we share so many similar thoughts and angst with ourselves…..That a bipolar would accept me for who I am and love me without judgement …….i hope this helps…Take care and all the very best….
Can I ask what is your criteria for normal Robert? You have described how I feel all the time yet I do not have bipolar. These sound like fairly regular ups and downs that all humans experience. Is it not how people deal with those feelings that is important? Is it not possible that when someone is given a diagnosis for how they feel, especially before they have developed a sense of who they are, that they will interpret their emotions and as distinct from “normal” human beings? My fear is that it is the diagnosis itself that causes mental illness. I have been in and out of a relationship with someone with this condition and tried my very best to make a distinction between someone who appeared to be arrogant, selfish, cruel and an arrogant, selfish and cruel individual. In the end I realised that they are just the same thing
Hi Flo, sorry its late i cant talk now but i would love to talk to u further as nearly all you say is the same as me
we may be able to help each other
i never go on these chat things but today has been a really bad day and your entry made me cry cos everything seems familiar we have been trying to get my partner to the docs for 4 yrs and only a month ago he was diagnosed it was hard getting him there but well worth it…..
That was me for 25 years. Two months after the 25th anniversary party where he made a speech praising me to the hilt, he turned again and walked out starting divorce proceedings. He made sure that it was the nastiest divorce that he could conjure up. He spread hideous rumours about me and his lawyer mananged to take me for more money than I will ever have. He told the children the most unspeakable lies about me. He continued to harass them until both of them developed severe mental problems. He would never let go of me and let me make something out of the tattered shreds that he had left of my life. I had nursed him through two heart surgeries and one very serious back surgery. I had waited on him and help him rehabilitate with all the means that I could muster. Last year he died a very lonely and pathetic man. Now one of my children has started the same pattern of behaviour and we are re-living the nightmare. Yes the good times are magical but the overall prognosis is a nightmare. Let go now, you cannot rescue him.
do him a favour and love yourself first and see if you still feel the same
Being the husband of a bipolar wife is the most difficult emotional journey I have ever traveled. I do so Love my darling my Love my wife. We are as I write separated by many thousands of miles. I am in California she in Buenos Aires where I lived with her for 3 years. I wonder about the Savior complex…I mean I have been asked so many times why I put my life in the situation I did and just what was it about my wife that I fell in Love with. Like so many of the posts here I fell in Love with the sweet person the dynamically talented passionate soul that I saw only flashes of during my 3 years in Argentina. I am so sad and equally unfulfilled because that real person only emerged like flashes of lightning in the night sky and disappeared just as quickly. I went to Argentina to close to her and her 8 year old angel of a daughter. I had little difficulty in the decision to set out on a journey abroad to build a family. I was lacking the wisdom I have gained only in the past 3 months of our separation, the understanding of bipolar and how to handle its furry. I in fact went in the boots of a man who profoundly believed that we all have the strength to overcome our emotional demons with the brute force of determination and the support of Love. I was so very very wrong. In my situation I found myself in a role of complete caretaker to my wife having for the entire 3 years the responsibility to carry all the domestic responsibility. I cooked cleaned payed the bills from my savings. I brought my wife her food in bed and took the dishes away after. It was a depression that lasted the entire duration I was with her. It really was the worst possible of circumstances for both of us. She as a bipolar person clearly needs treatment and medication in the appropriate amounts. Instead her Mother a psychologist arranged for her to receive medication delivered to our door from a local pharmacy with no prescription. These included benzodiazapines alprozalam lornazepam and clonaxepam. It was a shotgun approach to keeping her from suicide I believe due to the suicide of her mothers sister and father. I pleaded nicely and not so nicely for it to stop it never did. In the mean time I a person who never took any drugs before found myself also relying on the medications to sleep at night, I was so stressed out yet what a huge mistake to ever take something to help you sleep for a long period of time. The withdrawals have been so hard and I am just now getting clear. I also endured the violence I was punched so many times in my face I had several black eyes glasses thrown at me one hitting me in the head. She is 5’4″ I am 6’4″. No one saw me as a victim. She once called the Police which in Argentina is a dangerous in and of itself. They came to take me from my room where I had gone and often went to escape the struggle. I had guns pointed at me I was taken to a mental hospital where I was interviewed by a team of Psychiatrists who in short order found me not to be the problem and the Police returned me home. I never hit my wife but i am guilty of not controlling my reactions I shouted many times my protests sometimes in vile terms. I feel sorry for that I am human.
Today we are separated I left 3 months ago because I just could not endure and because my savings were nearly depleted. We kept in contact for the first 2 months and after the revelation she was being promiscuous I told her in an attempt to hurt her I too had a woman friend in Buenos Aires. She is just a friend a good friend, I have never been unfaithful to my wife she denies ever being unfaithful to me. I have been in alot of distress for the past 4 weeks almost 5 now, she really freaked out about my friend, called me every name in the book said she was going to tell her daughter then took to many pills and ended up in a hospital. Since she has put up a wall she wont talk about “us” just wont connect with it. She says she is in a tranquil period of her life and I am intruding. I am not sure if the medication abuse continues I know she’s drinking some and is also taking lithium now.
Anyone have some reinforcement for my decision to not divorce to be patient to wait until she cycles through. I want to use my new understanding of bipolar to support her in a treatment program. I feel I can forgive I have forgiven her for past deeds knowing clearly it is he bipolar personality not the real soul I Love. What to do…
I am so hurt inside, I cant sleep very well I have the severe anxiety of a broken heart…yet my Love endures.
Thank you all for helping me to understand I am not alone it is truly amazing how similar these stories are. I am reading all I need to know I did my best I need to know being patient and endure through Love is the right decision.
well sean. my name is sean to im going through basically the same thing. ive been married to a women like this for 22 years almost and my wife went into one of those moods not that long ago an left me ran to a womans domestic violance shealter trying to get free asisstance and comfort from anyone but me im not really sure what happend she stopped taking her meds and our world was torn apart she ran away with my 12 year old daughter and left her 15 year old son here with me.he is severly disabled and not heard from his mother eather in 74 days ive tried to get my daughter back but there is nothing i can do until we are divorced. she is staying in a shealter in hasbersham georgia called circle of hope shealter. i just dont understand being married 22 years how she can just walk away and leave her family and me suffering people say its the bypolor but i just want to know others advice about my situation she has never been abused or mis treated i have given her my world i just dont get it. if you or anyone can give me any advice on this i would really appriciate it
wow , ive never read what ive felt perfectly describd like that. it can be so hard and the thoughts and feelings you experience are just so much. i understand both sides of this story. me and my husband have been together 4 yrs, its been realy hard at times, but we stuck it threw and after alot of talking and discussing how we feel we seem to be alot better. I’ve learned how to handle him and how to react and he has relized his falts and trys verry hard to keep in check. we have found what works for us. but both people have to be willing to comprimise not just the one. and you have to be strong. i wish you all the best of luck. im not the same person i was when i felt like you do, im stronger and more confident i hold my ground now too. patience is your best friend. wait till the anger has died down and try and discuss it rationaly. i dont know if this will help anny one but its what ive learned and its working great for now.
its nice to understand both sides of this. im glad i found this link. thank you.
I know these feelings all too well. I love my man so much, as I know he does me. It’s an awful feeling not knowing how he will be each minute, hour, day, etc..I walk around on eggshells all the time. Afraid of what look I might give, what I might say or do wrong that is going to set off the disease and cause it to lash out at me. Lately, these episodes have been happening more and more often. I am very weak and vulnerable when he acts this way. I want to stick up for myself. I want to yell out at him that he needs some serious medical help, but I know I can’t. I know he’s got a disease, but how do I get him and the doctor to recognize and deal with the issue. I know it will have to be done a special way due to his disease, but how should I address it with him? I know him and I can go far if his disease was under control. I just wish I knew how to get it to the point of having it under control. Help me please!
well Sean,
thats kool and everything that you do, but what goes on in our guyz head : saint or sinner. Im an ex-bf of a chick diagnosed with bi-polar. and man o man do i got it bad. let me trade some war stories. ok this one time she would not stop crying,’ i asked her ‘what do she need?’, ‘how can i make the crying stop?’ and the response i got was ‘i can feel everyone pain’ , ‘i never knew there was so much evil , ” someone came and took my heart out, so i’m not able to feel’, and WTF. one more: ok try this on for size,….she came knocking on my door. and needed a place to stay, and of course i let her in, given cause our past. but 1st day pass by kool, all she did was sleep. 2nd day started talking about some imaginary people and asked i can see them in this room and i said ‘bitch are you crazy, its juss me and you’..but kept going on and on .,..till bout the 4th day she still hasn’t tooken a shower, damm she fockin stank.,i was bout to drag her in the shower, but her excuse was ‘ o, my stomach hurt, the metamaterial people wont let me’ , and a bunch of other bs..,.but i’ve trying to get her to realixe that she is the only one who can help herself, cause she is the only one who can hear and see them.,,.i don’t know we have struggling with this going on for about 4 yrs.,.oh and she wont let me touch her or be sexual with her cause the insertants are raping and abusing her vagina,.dam can’t a fella get a BJ or something,.but we will she where she ends up,..????
Sean: I know you wrote this 3 years ago but I just came across this today as I am desperately searching for answers…..I have been involved with a man who I think may be bipolar for 2 years. It took awhile to get him to break down and start becoming closer to me. I eventually grew on him but once we crossed the line from friends to lovers, we literally break up a few times a month. He pushes me away. Pulls me back. I feel like a yoyo being tossed out and then rolling back up my string to him. Two weeks ago, we broke up. I stayed away, didnt call or text. Then after four days he texts me like nothing is wrong. Told me he loves me and that I never believe him when he says it. Told me he needs me and that we need to talk about our problems instead of walking away. Then after a few days back in the relationship, I start to see his moods shift. He seems ok at one point in the day then later on he seems distant and I feel like Im on eggshells because I dont know if its something about me or something I did because he seems like he doesnt want to be with me. He left to go out of state, as he is leaving he is upbeat saying I love you, Ill see you soon, etc….its been 3 days and I havent heard from him. I know he is alive because I sent him a text saying hope you made it safely, he replied saying he just pulled up to his destination. That was it. Everything seemed ok when he left. But his moods will shift from sweet, nice, kind, good natured to a total jerk, snapping at me and putting me down. We have never talked about his moods or that he could possibly have an illness. He is not on any meds that I am aware of. I am desperate to know if this is bipolar as I constantly blame myself. Im always wondering what I have done wrong. I spend a lot of time in tears because I miss my best friend. The sad shame is I love this man, we have such a connection until he changes and pushes me away. -Amy
Amy. Go here. This is our new site: http://michelle999.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/do-bipolar-people-have-feelings-pt-2#comment-674
I didnt know anyone else is going through what i am. I feel like i am being punihsed. How can i love someone so much and always be in so much pain. They say be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I am so sorry you are going thru this too
This is how I feel too…I am on the other side like you. Love him but get hurt and he doesn’t care. Its all about him. Started brain entrainment and Steve G Jones Hypnosis mp3′s when he has a fit so I take my mind of it and can let it go. It helps. x
I am bipolar and I have put my husband through this..(it’s better now that I’m on meds..). Thank you for posting this..it lets me see it from his side..
Sean it pains me in such a relieving manner to read your experience, it echos my life right now.
I feel so embarrassed when my girlfriend explodes over so trivial things in front of people, i worry constantly, i feel my life is slowly being sucked up into the constant doubting of the good day we seem to both dream to catch.
All i can say is talk to someone, tell your family so they will maybe try and understand and support you, listen to music and escape to that beach when she starts at you, keep telling yourself you love her and keep your strength Sean. None of this is your fault, keep trying to talk to her, calmly let her know how she makes you feel sometimes with out sounding like you are accusing her, try break down the walls she builds by reassuring her that your not the enemy. Keep strong Sean and dont push your friends and family away, they can help you. : )
Dante
Hello,
I have got tears i my eyes, I am going through the same, allthough slight difference, my now ex, wel last week boyfriend acuses me of stalking him when I am more silent or go out for a walk or when I try figure out what´s wrong and make it allright. He says I am mentally ill or something, on the otherhand noone can call me, because all guys are only wanting to sleep with me, I feel totally isolated, I love him so much, and a week ago he said he doesn´t ever want to know of me again—- but we live in one house, and are building a bussiness , I have tought him so much about filmediting and sound, offer him half my salary so he has an opportunity to change jobs and not turn irregular stressfull nightshifts, I arranged for a shrink that got him on sick leave, but unfortunately he doesn´t take pills. Every fight and he says we always fight is my fault, though I never raise my voice only carefully discuss, but after two sentences he races off, leaves, and if I try to soothh him hell breaks loose, we were so iin love but he says one day I love you next day he will never be my boyfriend cause he can´t trust me, he believes I love him though, now I have to deal with him sleeping in other room, eating my meals, am taking care of the house, and all of sudden instead that he felt worthles a week ago, I lift him up and we were so close and day after he tells me he doesn´t want to see my fucling face every day, then he shuts me out of all festivities here carnaval and concerts, and I sit home alone, am in foreign country and don´t know many people, nowehere to go, I love him so, and am so scared he won´t turn back to love. He said you hurt me and then I have to push you away and next time I´ll leave all… now he is on a high I guess mixed mania, and has been going out 7 days untill 7 am morning, looking for food I prepaired and of to his room, I don´t know how to win back his trust I am since a week on tranquilizers not to feel the pain, and not let him see me cry…. all of sudden he turns back in work and wants to buy own editing equipment, as if planning to caculatinly to use my productions and the money and teachinng I give him to go on on his own, and just tolerate me for the time being,I am so scared,I never seen him such a long time like that,before there was allways quickly some kind of tenderness, worst his his best friend is now gry at me while before she was trying to help him and asked me about him nearly daily and now it feels like they are both against me, even my shrink says diffrernt things, I used to go with my bf because he can be very shy, and I spoke for him with him etc, he is ususlly very educated, but the hate and coldness, accusations etc, soooo much pain, and I can´t leave , we are in productions together, he thanks to me, and apartg I would fall apart right now and I can´t loose these jobs…
when or what will him retrieve trust? how do I know whether he is really using me, he was always so helpfull and sensitive, please helpme, I am so confused and scared to loose all…. I can´t see the schrink before he will next friday so most likely can´t get him on meds before he returns to normal, , I am hanging in there every day but can´t concentrate on anything…. how do I act react,what do I do, I don´t want to loose him before he possibly his ready for meds, and try that….he was diagnose a few weeks ago, and now all of sudden shribk says ( he knew of breaking uplast wee) perhaps he isn´t bipolar, I guess because he felt he couldn´t giveme med info about other patient even though I was asked along both sides…. since this friend said how copuld you sit in on the sessions—-seems all is against me and I feel so alone…thank you for reading,
much strenght! please some advice, but not willing ready yet to give up
delilah
I have been married to my wife, A bi-polar \ MPD individual for 20 years now. She has currently abandoned my for what is the fifth time. The first time was 18 years ago – a few months after our first child was born. I came home one day & her & our daughter were gone. She moved back home & eventually filed for divorce. She had nothing good to say about me and everything bad and went as far as accusing me of rape! I contacted some of her close Christian friends who spent time with her and eventually, between their help & the medication she decided to come home. Two years later when our second child was born everything went to crap again. Several months later she finally came around. For several years things were very unstable. I had to go to work to try & pay the bills & I did not know if she would be there when I came home or not. She got into counseling which did help quite a lot. Things were good for several years. Then a year ago right before Christmas of 2010 she took off again, rented an apartment & said she was not coming back. She had recently changed meds before this as the Lithium was causing her creatine level to increase and there was concern about kidney damage. Well 3 months later she came back. Thought things were good to stay and now about a month ago she left again & once again rented an apartment with a full year lease. I am a Christian & believe in giving un-conditional love. It takes a lot of love, patience & understanding to stay with a bi-polar individual. It breaks my heart to hear all the horible things she says & thinks about me when I feel I have been a very good husband to her. I keep trying to remind myself that she cannot help it and I know that she has a heart of gold when she is well. Just sometimes do not know how much more of this I can take. It is not fun being abandoned and “Deserted” and it is grounds for divorce. I feel like I should be out looking for a wife as I feel that I do not have one. Gets very confusiing sometimes & not sure what is the right thing to do. For now I shall be patient for a while & see what happens. Not sure what I will do if she does not return in the next few months. For you & anyone going through this I very much sympathize with you – it is not easy.
Mike
I understand. I have dated a bi-polar woman for 3 months now, and I understand how it feels to be at the receiving end of the ups and downs, and felt the raw anxiety that comes from the worry about her episodes. If you consider a relationship with a BP person, read as much as you can about BP and give yourself some tools to deal with problems that will arise. Have a support group for yourself. Could the relationship work out? Yes, maybe it could. From what I have read however, 90% of marriages with a BP partner end in divorce so if the relationship doesn’t work out as well as you hoped, or wanted, don’t blame yourself or feel guilty about it not working out if you did your best. best wishes– Tim
my husband is bipolar too,and let me tell ya i know its not easy. he however is trying to get treatment. just dont know if i am strong enough to go through this any more. i feel more days then not that i am not really loved by him. he yells all teh time it feels like. then if i am lucky to get a good day in its usually over spending on crap we dont need but i do it cause im with him and we are smiling and saying nice things to one another. then the next day its back to this shit again. i think about divorce alot, then i think about how much i love him and what it would do to our kids. just dont know what to do any more.
“She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know.”
yeah. see, if that mentality had kept up with us, I’d be long gone by now.
there’s only so much the S.O. in these situations can – or should be expected to – take.
Sean, get her to a doctor, somehow. Wear her down.
I see so much of myself, as I was, in what you wrote that it makes me want to cry. How I could inflict that on someone else….
With a new baby around, it’s even harder, on both of you. If she’s not getting enough sleep, she’ll be even worse, and you’ll be too tired to stand up to it all.
You’re worth more than that. If she won’t change to be an equal partner, than you do need to put yourself, and your child first.
ugh. How I don’t envy you there. We’ve been there.
Thordora,
I’m messaging you because you seem to have had a bit more consistency on this site when it comes to regular posts. Is there anyone monitoring this site anymore? I see a few people have left posts but no responses have been made.
Thank you!
Reading Thordora’s post, I didn’t feel quite so alone in how I have acted towards my husband. Reading Sean’s response- I feel almost gut-punched. I’m so sorry Sean, and I’m so sorry to my own spouse. A lot of good has come out of my work in therapy, and realizations I’ve had- but being open with my spouse still takes effort. I didn’t even realize how much I shut him out for so long. I’ve been in therapy for years- and yet only in 2007 did anyone ever say: you have generalized anxiety disorder. And only then did I understand certain ways I’ve acted.
I hope that your wife will get the help she needs so that you two can move forward as a couple.
I think it’s hard knowing that all your partner has to do be free of daily bipolar issues is to just walk away, and you can’t escape it. I guess maybe it’s easier to give them a push out the door if you really believe they’re just going to leave in the end. My ex fiance is bipolar and a couple of years after he had been diagnosed, he started having severe self esteem issues and would rarely leave the apartment. When I left, he would always get upset and worry I was going out to see a secret lover, when in reality I was going to work or class. I never knew what I was going to come home to after work or class.
I guess it took another couple of years for him to completely stop caring about trying to deal with his bipolar and actively attempting to sabotage our relationship. Nothing was ever his fault; it was always the bipolar “making” him do it. There’s not much you can do about someone who refuses to try to deal with their bipolar. You’d have to be a saint to live with someone who knew they had bipolar and refused to even try to work at keeping it at bay.
He was a really nice guy before he let stopped trying. Every once in a while, I’d see the guy he was before the bipolar completely took over and it just made me want to fight harder for him, which made him push me away more. It’s been about 6 years since the breakup, and he’s in pretty much the same place he was then. He’s not happy to be there, but doesn’t seem to care about changing things either. I suspect that would be the same regardless of my presence.
I am a husband on the other side too.
This is a good post.
Sean –
Maybe I should try my hand at writing these feelings out. I read your post and was nodding the entire time. My husband is cycling again. It was a very long night. He drinks so much, he smokes, yet he says he won’t take meds to feel better because he doesn’t want to “put that crap” in his body. I’ve gotten better at handling some of the swings after 13 years of marriage but it NEVER gets easier. It takes a very strong person to not take what they say personally. To not feel as though you’ve been punched in the gut or hit by a truck. He doesn’t really mean the things he is saying. Typically, the next day, he doesn’t even remember half of what he said. I would take pussy anyday. I can’t stand “f’ing bitch”. His favorite phrase: “shut the f up”. God, I’m so sick of it.
We separated for 11 months. I just could not take it any longer. I was really happy for about 9 of those months and then my nice husband started to come back. I took him back in, despite his bi-polar disorder. Regardless of the fact that I knew he could not stay “nice” for long. Now, whenever he cycles I just try to sit back and wait for the storm to pass. I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.
At least your post has made me realize that not everything is my fault. Apparently some of it is yours too.
Sorry. Can’t resist covering my turmoil with a little bad humor.
Hang in there. We are not alone.
oh Gail…..I’m so sorry you have to deal with this-you and Sean and Mogo and all of those who love those of us with bipolar.
But you can’t fix them, and maybe your only answer IS to move on. I was resistant to drugs for a long time until finally I realized I did NEED them. With the support of my husband, I got help and now-we’re happy.
I wish both of you some of that happy.
“I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.”
See, this is why I feel like I shouldnt even bother being a relationship or trying to become a parent. I dont want my partner saying this about me and my disorder.
i’m on the target side.
and i am more than glad and relieved to have read your post…
despite so many words of encouragement from friends and family, i am still not completely convinced that i’m not the guilty one here.
i keep writing in my notebook: ‘give her love…..remember she wants someone to take care of her and be there for her emotionally…..’
i don’t trust her.
STEP1 – get me aroused…
STEP2 – walk away…
STEP3 – the next day tell me she’s not happy because i don’t take care of her…
she calls me an idiot, retarded, stupid…all kinds of stuff.
it hurts my heart physically. i tell her but she doesn’t know it.
I could say or do ONE TINY INSIGNIFICANT thing she doesn’t like, or even say something in jest, and for the next hour or more, she will just go off on me like i destroyed her world.
then she’ll call a friend to pick her up because, she says, ‘you am causing panic attacks in me’.
I am trying to do for me. But because of her constant barrage of to-do lists, I can’t.
I wish I could be more of a man I guess. She says ‘you don’t step up and be the man for me….you don’t get things done…’
for now…i almost know where she’s coming from.
but .. i wonder how long i can live with a partner that is trying to kill me emotionally so that she may feel temporarily relaxed and stisfied with herself.
-mike
Mike – I wish I knew the answer. I did leave. My kids and me lived alone for 9 months and it was calm. Quiet. Relaxed. Drama-free. The “I know he’s not doing this on purpose” only goes so far. Regardless, living without did me no good either. The fact is I love him. It is so difficult to punish the good guy for the bad guys behavior. He did not do well out on his own either. I realize it is not my responsibility to take care of him, but I still want to be there for him. One time, one of the kids asked me if I couldn’t just MAKE him take his medicine. I can’t, it’s not my place. Trust me when I tell you I understand about saying something in jest that is suddenly misconstrued…even though the same statement out of his mouth less than 24 hours prior was perfectly acceptable. I made a conscious decision to let my husband move back in and have tried to change how I REACT to these situations. Unfortunately, I’m human too and cannot always control what I am feeling. Allow yourself to be human Mike.
Bipbab – I don’t know what to tell you. Unfortunately, most people can’t completely ignore bad behavior. I have a bi-polar friend who will not have kids for the same reasons. Maybe you can be lucky enough to find someone who understands, respects and tolerates. Had I been fully aware of the mental status, I’m not so sure I would have made the same decisions. But, then again, I was given an opportunity for an “out” and didn’t take it. And Thordora – sorry, I can’t and won’t move on. That’s about the very last thing any of us need.
Gail-you may then be up for punishment for a very long time. I don’t envy you what’s to come-I’ve been the person walking all over my partner and not caring. And it’s true that “just deal with it-it’s not their fault” doesn’t fix what amounts to abuse.
You love him-it’s obvious. But is it healthy for you or your children?
I’m not saying leaving is the right answer. But you deserve your life back. No one deserves what a bipolar can do.
least of all the bipolar. you are very strong for speaking up.
I take some comfort in reading your messages. Thanks. I’m the girlfriend on the other end of what seems like a continuous roller coaster. And once again, I find myself, wondering how long I can hang on for the ride. How much love and caring is enough? Is it ever enough? I love my boyfriend dearly, but I am so tired. I never know what to expect. I thought once we made it through the last major depressive episode and he got back on lithium last winter that things would stabilize. And, for a while they did. But the anger still comes, and the hurtful words, and the drinking–less often–but it’s still incredibly hard. And, then I feel guilty for wondering if I should just give up. I try each time to stick with it and tell him that I love him and that I’m there for him, but some of the words he fires back sting so badly that I can hardly stand it. And, sometimes in the moment I start to forget that I’m dealing with bipolar and I feel selfish for thinking it would just be so much easier to let him go. At some point, do you just give up? How do you know what to do or say? I never know how he might take even the smallest thing I say or do. I try to tell myself that it will all pass, but I’m only human. At some point don’t you have to also take care of yourself? I’m not expecting anyone to have the answers, but sometimes hearing from others brings me back to reality. Gail–thanks for the line about changing how you REACT. It seems that is probably the key.
Its not what you say its the thoughts in his head. You can say the same thing a day later and he might find it funny. I have tried to not say anything or not respond and get the blame for that as well. He would tell me today how much he loves me and how great we are together and tell me tomorrow our relationship was never functioning and that I need serious help (never him). He would tell me how much he loves me in one hour and that he wants to move away because I am crazy. I am not crazy but many times I get confused about who is the one creating these thing. I have now learnt to see signs days before it happens in his behaviour and eyes and ask him to go away for a few days. It has helped us a lot.
‘Switch to radio two’ is the phrase most commonly used in our house in regards to my mum. Living with someone, with Bi-polar is something that you can’t understand unless you have been or are going through it. The physical and emotional abuse that you go through is tremendous, but what also does get to is the affect it has on her, how it must make her feel, now I personally am the type of person that needs to be in control, so having a illness, more to the point mood swings that you cant control, i just wouldn’t know how to cope.
Now my parents have been together 19 long years, 19 years tomorrow in fact. In that time I’ve lost count as to how many times the word ‘divorce’ has been thrown around, if I had £5 for every time my parents argued I’d be a rich girl. Sure every married couple argue, but you know when mum is having abit of a turn she has a look about her, we call it the all emotions look, and we know when she has this look about her she’s edging for a fight, we tread on egg shells until it’s passed.
When I talk about ‘we’ I refer to myself and my dad. We’re an average family to anyone, in the street you’d notice nothing different about us, but what goes on behind closed doors is obviously another matter.
I think what I bring to the table, this blog, is another perspective, the kids, of those affected by Bi-Polar. I’m a 17 year old girl. I have been called all the names under the sun. From b**ch, to references of regret of my existence. Hearing your mum tell you with a look of hatred in her eyes that she wished she’d never had you, is truly something that I will never get over.
I feel for her, i know she loves me more than anything in this world. And when she’s not ill i have my mum, the sweet, intelligent and kind lady, that likes to bake and likes gardening. But as soon as she turns ill, I try my best to switch off. However much she makes me cry makes me angry, that she could even consider thinking some of the things she comes out with.
At the end of the day, she is still my mum, and that’s what I’m thinking every time she says something hurtful.
That’s how I cope each day. That person will still be your mother, father, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. How you deal with it is entirely up to you.
There you go Laura, it’s about how you deal with it. How you “react”.
I’m so sorry Marta. There is no good answer or fair solution. I left. It didn’t work. It takes a very strong person to live with a bi-polar. If you do not think you can take it, then don’t. Go out and live your life. I tried, but unfortunately was too attached. I’ll never leave my husband over this illness. I feel a lot worse for him than I do for me.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I’m just riding this cycle out. I’ll have to say I must have been incredibly exhausted the other night because that’s really the first time I’ve ever thought of giving up. What’s the hardest thing for me is that it isn’t me that leaves, it’s him. It’s the same story every six months or so, “I can’t love you. I don’t know how. I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone.” And then he’s gone. Sometimes for a few days. Sometimes for a week. And I’ve always been there when he returns. I, too, have a really hard time imagining leaving him just because he has an illness. God, I certainly hope no one would leave me for that reason. And I truly thing it tortures him on some level when he is trying so hard to slow his mind down and figure out what is going on. I’m so afraid that sometime he is going to leave and that will be that. But, then I guess I’ll deal with that if it happens. It’s so hard to wish that by loving someone and caring for someone that it can fix it. Because I know on some level; that isn’t true. But I have to tell myself and believe that by being there–no matter what–I’m at least making it a little better.
Marta, I have been searching for something, anything to hang on to, as I am going through my first experience of a manic episode with my boyfriend who has been diagnosed with bipolar for 15 years. We have had an amazing year, and I have never known him as either depressed or manic, he has always been sorted and we’ve had an amazing connection and mutual support, as you do in a healthy relationship, until the last few weeks. He is now in hospital going through a manic episode. A few days into it he ended our relationship! I was so confused, hurt and upset, as we are a very strong couple, and were, right up until he became ill…I don’t know what to expect or think. All I know is that I love him and will be here for him. But, what does the future hold for our relationship?? Is finishing the relationship a common behaviour within a manic episode? Will he question his decision when he is back to reality? He is so convincing at the moment, which is understandable because he truely believes what he is saying and thinking, but it has just come out of nowhere? I am torn between, wanting to support him through this and looking after myself because it is hurtful being reminded that we are now ‘good friends’ when he introduces me to someone…He is also hanging out with people who are not his friends and will probably regret when he is down from this adventure. I suppose it was inevitable we were going to go through this together at some point, but I always thought he would allow me to go through it with him and not finish it a few days into it…Anyway I am repeating myself now, but just feel I would benefit from someone who has had experience either of having bipolar themselves or a partner who has. Thank you!!
Hi
Well im a male in the exact situation only she’s not in hospital, she’s out and about, This is about the 5th in 6yrs & after every one i too thought as you do, but in my case, i get on contact after an episode, if i try txting, phoning, leaving notes, Nothing!
I just don’t exist in her world, then she slips into a long depression sometimes 3mths at a time.
Then she’ll come out and back to her old self, the girl i fell in love with, she comes over my place crys on my shoulder and we start the merry go round all over again!
But what can ya do, I love her with all my heart, well she is intelligent, funny, beautiful, like knockout beautiful and a great cook, plays guitar, piano, very talented and modest, yet once there’s an episode she’s miss know it all, always right….. looks right thru me like i’m trash…. Im seriously thinking of ending it this time, it’s too testing on my health… i have to start looking after no1 me!!! It’s just so frustrating!!!
Hi all,
I’m not bi-polar alltogether but am ADHD, and as an effect of that become really similar to bi-polar in some of my behaviors, sometimes. II mess things up, I read people wrong, I get paranoid, worried and all sorts of confusing feelings at once sometimes. Easily disturbed and overwhelmed, and can get incredible angry and enourmously dark/depressed (big black hole) as well as frantic and really hyper. (etc…)
It has made it really difficult to manage relationships due to this, for me. Damn, its hard to understand and manage even myself. Self control and such, is very very hard. I’m 27 years old, and have had this problem all my life. But it was first this summer I was given understanding of my ADHD, didnt know what it was that I “had” before. Just that I was different, and had so much more struggles with “simple” things than people around me. But now when Ive started to learn what ways I differ. I am so thankful to have found your discussion here, it has given me “new clues” about what a bitch I can be, about how different it appears to those who has to receive it than from how it feels inside of me.
Somehow, when I’m bad, and deep inside know I’m behaving bad, it’s as if I know that I don’t really mean all those bad words and thoughts, but cant help that they come out, becasue it “seems” right to say it in the moment. It seems so “true”, only – it isn’t. Its me being paranoid, getting things wrong, and simple having a mood swing, coloring the world (and people) in darker colors than it/they deserves. I get over those moments really fast, and get back to my normal fun, simple ways. Then I see the people and the world as “normal” colors again.
What I really want to thank you all here for, is my new understanding about how my beloved ones feel when I behave like this. (everything gets focused on me so often and Im sick of it myself, I dont mean to be a drama-queen in the family, simply hate it but so far havent ben able to help it).
The thing is, I guess I’ve always thought that others also understand deep inside that I dont really mean those things when I say bad things or act out – or as I also do, withdraw completely from everyone. I thought they could know that its just my head running wild sometimes, messing things up. I get so scared and confused those times, my head is so busy with the inner chaos that my body dont know how to act.
But I realize just now that they dont know. They really really dont. And that feels good, I can see myself in another way. From the outside view. I have never understood, really, how incredible hard it must be to be the “respondant” of that behavior. How confused my earlier boyfriends must have been, since my ways changes so fast. Walking on egg chells, really, as you said earlier. I am also feeling that shame and hopelessness mentioned, about settling down, starting a family. I’m sort of scared by my own ways. I try to be good all the time, but sometimes I just become someone else. Like turning into a wolf in the moonlight, almost…
So all the bad behavior…It doesnt only scare the people around me, it scares me too, because inside of it all, there is a really little and lonely girl, in really deep need of trust and love. And I’m such a caring person when good, so I dont want to create drama and sadness for people around me. So I am holding of any thoughts of family, until I get more control over my own ways.
But as I said, sites like this one, really helps to se oneself from an outside view. Really good. Thanks to you all!
The storm has passed at my house. For now. We always know that a new one will be brewing on the horizon. But, for now, he is back to being my husband. Loving, considerate, and sorry for the things he has said. God, it is so gut wrenching sometimes. Again, I feel so much worse for my husband. He is the one with the dark clouds in his head and I can’t imagine the fear and confusion. Stay strong people!
Apparently, many of us have gotten quite good at weathering the storms. I think we’re all so much stronger than we realize. It’s damn difficult loving someone who is bipolar, but I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the one who has to live in my head with all of those torturous and confusing thoughts. So, I guess we just have to be grateful for all of those post-storm moments that can feel so great. And, yes, keep ourselves geared up for the pre-storm and the storm itself–both of which we know will come again. Thanks for reminding me that this is just the moment (or day or week or whatever) and that it will pass.
Wow……I am so thankful that I stumbled across this blog. I am trying to learn all I can about people who are bipolar because I think I may possibly be developing very strong feelings for a boy who has it. The questions I keep asking myself now, however, are “Do I back out before it’s too late?” “Is there someone better out there for me who won’t hurt me like this?” “Do I DESERVE better?”……..The sad thing is, I have never known a boy who makes my heart beat so fast, or who writes as beautiful words……or who just seems so…..alone….yet doesn’t want to be alone. I have only known him for a few months, and we haven’t really been “dating”…. yet. I just don’t know…..he seems to smoke pot alot, and I never have…..and I am wondering…..HOW DOES POT EFFECT PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER? I have heard so many different things…..some say it actually counter-acts some of the mood swings…….I don’t know. Does anyone have information on that? ……………….I am still figuring things out. But I am definately thankful for all these posts and knowing that sometimes the mean things he says aren’t always directed at ME, but they are part of bipolar. It’s sad……but also…………………….strangely beautiful at times. Stay strong. <3
Vicky-I used to smoke a fair bit of weed. And do a lot of LSD.
It’s called self medicating. It never helped me-I pretended that it did, and I had a shit load of fun, but it didn’t make me better or different in any way that I intended.
He likely seems very interesting. From what I’ve noticed, we can be very charismatic us bipolars, flirty and fun and mysterious in all the right ways. We seem arty and interesting and smart.
IF you think this boy is someone you want to pursue, know this. He will be work. If he is bipolar, and is undiagnosed, untreated, he will only be the sweet boy some of the time. Other times, he might not be so sweet. He is two people. One person is awesome, and you wish he’d stay forever. The other-mean, vengeful, full of rage and fear.
I can’t tell you to stay or go. But get educated. There’s a blog on my blogrolly poly oly -salted lithium. Gabriel has many great things to say about bipolar, and I urge you to read his site as well.
We’re many things as bipolar. We are good people, but sometimes, we’re lost. The people who are strong for us make a huge difference in our lives. So you need to decide if you’re willing to be that person if need be.
Thordora – where can I find yours or Gabriel’s site?
Wel…you’re kinda on mine….and Gabe-just search for Salted Lithium and you’ll find him.
Thanks for your reply, yes, he definately is very interesting and attractive….most of the time……but sometimes he just seems to push everyone away.
He doesn’t talk about his condition often, and I have not pushed it. One of the first times we talked he said “I have issues. Many issues.” and I said “Well, everyone does.” and he said, “but not like me.” and then he told me about being bipolar…..I believe he HAS been diagnosed and is taking medication for it, but I don’t know for sure, and don’t really know how to bring it up again haha….
I guess we’ll just see how it goes. I will check the blog out that you mentioned….thanks. I’ll keep you updated if our relationship goes anywhere….I am sure if it does, this will not be the first time I will need advice.
Thanks again.
maybe some of you can shed some light. i am married and have been having an affair with a woman for five years now.
at first everything was great, meaning the first few years. i actually should have treated her better. we became best friends and lovers. after a few years, my feelings became really strong for her. something she had always wanted from me. she finally got what she wanted. then things began to go down. i always noticed from the start that the highs and lows with this woman were like nothing else. i always thought it was because i was still married. a little background on her. her ex commited suicide and first husband is in jail.
now me being married and not leaving is not an easy thing. but what i am trying to find out is if she is really bi polar or just her emotions cause i have not left my situation. she has broken up with me 12 times in the last year. she can go from very happy to very agitated within minutes sometimes. it seems everytime something good happens to her, she rejects it or wants something bad.. she has a low self esteem, does not have friends, is always looking in mirrors,and our sex life is nothing what it use to be. she used to when we would fight or previous times in her life, stay in her room for days, and be depressed.
it is like she wants to pull me in…then push me away. i cant explain it any better….i notice she gets very irritated in life period, and i am someone she can take it out on. like she wants to punish me for her past…..
it is like every month or so i can expect an episode and they seem more frequent now. it is like i hang on for the addictive moments when she is on her high, cause that is the best. but now those times are less than they used to be…she also can be very destructive sometimes with gambling….
any advice out there? i know my situation might be different since i am married. however, i get the feeling even if i was not married she would be the same with these mood swings, etc, etc. please comment…..
Vicky–Good luck, I guess that’s about all the advice I have. I met the guy I’m dating several years ago and it was absolutely wonderful when we first met. What I didn’t know at the time–at least for a few months–was that he was in a manic state. So, of course, life was great! He was up, funny, loving, caring, charismatic–all those things that come along with bipolars being in a manic state. He was, however, very open about being bipolar when we first met. What I didn’t know was enough about the “ups” and “downs” of being bipolar. But, I soon found out–and I read everything I could get my hands on. Within about six months of knowing each other, he was on the downswing and headed for the worst depressive state he says he’s ever been in. It was devastating and frankly, I wasn’t sure I could take it. But, I stuck with him; he got back on lithium; and we weathered that six month storm. I love this guy alot, but let me tell you–it has been an incredibly hard, painful roller coaster ride since the beginning and sometimes I really felt I couldn’t make it through. You’ll have to ask yourself all of those questions: is it worth it? Do I cut my losses before I get too far into it? Even if his behaviors are because he’s bipolar, what is it doing to me? Does this border on being abusive? Am I strong enough to make it through the cycles? Only you can decide that. It’s a big decision; and often times, a painful one. You have to really be in tune with yourself to be able to handle it. You have to learn not to take things personally and sometimes you nearly need to be a saint. Good luck with your decision–and if you decide to stay with him or pursue the relationship with him–have no doubt–it will be incredibly hard. Believe me–it’s only the love for this guy that makes me stay. But I have had to learn to really take care of myself and often times turn a blind eye to what is being said and done. Gail’s suggestion to learn how to NOT REACT is frankly the only thing that is working for me. Again, good luck.
all i can say to anyone who is considering being in a relationship with a bipolar person is run like hell.they can do so much damage to your self esteem.and make you sick physically and mentally.it is not worth it.you have got to take care of yourself.but being with a bipolar person,there is no time for you…i am married to one so i know what i am talking about.i think if i got sick for any amount of time that she would be gone and not give it a second thought.they are so needy.im sorry if i sound cold but she has ripped my heart out too many times.so take my advice you cannot help them .they do truly want to be better but its just a ride i wish i had never got on.nothing is ever their fault it is always the ones that love them the most..sometimes i wonder if she isnt posessed by the devil.but then she can be like an angel.so im done.call me a quitter or whatever you want but love is not enough..this ride is over..on second thought it probably isnt.i love her with all my heart but it will probably be the death of me
I got ill with my kidneys once and was in a serious state in hospital for 14 days. He came to visit once and stayed 10 minutes and told me I am a heck of a burden to his life. Run while you can. There will never be remorse and they do get worse as they get older too.
Married guy…if she is going through swings it could be because of your marital situation. You should do her a favor…poop or get off the pot. I feel sorry for her.
Vicky – my husband self-medicates with pot constantly. Frankly, I like him better. Smooths out the edges so to speak.
I just want to thank everyone for the input. I’m sitting here struggling with what to do about my boyfriend. He is bipolar and has ADHD. He does take his meds and goes to the doctor once a week but the anger he has and the words that fly out of his mouth are still very much there even with the help. I walk on egg-shells all the time. I don’t even know who i am anymore. He has changed everything about me. I’m affraid to buy anything or go anywhere or meet new people (friends) because it “sets him off.” I do know i love him very much and i know what a great person he is on the inside and if it wasn’t for this damn illness he would be the most perfect man in the world. He smokes weed and loves his alcohol too. When he’s high, he is so calm and loving and can’t get enough of me but when he comes down off his high, i’m a peice of crap, whore, stupid, worthless and can do nothing right. I keep trying to put this out of my head and tell myself this isn’t him it’s the illness but i can’t help but fantasize about moving on and finding a man who always treats me that way. I know that is selfish on my behalf and I would never do it because i love him so much and it’s not his fault but it is a thought.
It’s been 3 years of living this way, i guess i will continue until i just cant continue anymore.
Gail, your story really touches me. That is true love.
Alot of these stories are really touching.
I know it’s probably going to hurt like hell at times, but life is short. Why would I give up something like THIS? *sigh* Just felt like sharing. 
I am 20 by the way…and I have been thinking alot about this boy lately, and I can tell he likes me as well. But there are just so many, as you guys have said “storms” inside his head. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him.
As I said before, no one makes my heart beat as fast. There is no one I get more excited about seeing. It’s like being unable to breathe. It’s wonderful. It’s electric. Sometimes I can also see that he is really excited to see me too, and it’s adorable and WONDERFUL. The last guy I went out with before this, was not bipolar. He was “stable” and “reliable” and didn’t have mood swings. But HE WAS BORING! And he never even gave me butterflies in my stomach once. I was thinking about it earlier today at work and was writing in my journal. I thought “Do I want someone who I can walk calmly, steadily along with? Or do I want someone who will take my heart to the highest of mountain tops…even if I may plunge into the sea without warning?” I would definately choose the second.
Oh Vicky, please be careful. Turmoil is so exciting sometimes but eventually it begins to ear on you. I always liked the “bad boy” too.
Bad boy lover here too. But, like Gail says, be careful. When he says, “I have issues,” he may be trying to tell you that he can’t give you what you’ll need in a relationship. And, if that’s the case, it’s much worse for him than it will be for you as he tries and fails over and over again. Those manic phases can be wonderful, but the lows are just that–low. And it can take everything out of you. As Gail says, be careful.
Thanks, I will. Perhaps it will lead to nothing anyway. We’ll see.
I have read everyones story and just cried. I am, or was dating a wonderful man who has bipolar and is ADHD. For the first 2 years of our relationship everything was great. We had some ups and downs but nothing we couldn’t handle. Then all of a sudden it changed and he became controlling. I couldn’t do anything without asking his permission. I have never had to ask for permission for anything. I am a very independant woman that can take care of myself. Well, I know now that he isn’t working due to his illness, he has extra stresses. I have been there for him as much as i could. I have helped him financially as well as emotionally. I have been there to listen to all his problems, to comfort him when family has past over (twice). I have been by his side crying with him during these times. He told me nobody has ever done that before. He said my heart was really with him and that meant alot to him and to me. I am a very kind and sensitive person. I love this man with everything in me. I hate the fighting, the name calling, the anger, but when that all passes he is a wonderful, funny, loving, caring, sometimes sensitive
man! He stole my heart! When he is manic he feels i don’t love him or respect him and that is so far from the truth. I do get attitudes (bitchy) when he calls me names or tries to control me so i know i throw back at him, but i still love him and don’t want to lose him. For the last 4 months the fighting has not let up. He said we needed a break from each other for things to calm down, that lasted 4 days and we were missing each other so much we stopped the break. He just found out his disability has ended and he has no money coming in. The stress from that and not having his meds brought anger out again towards me. I went and purchased his meds for him and took them to him and offered to buy food for his house for him and his kids. I told him i phoned SSI Disability and started the application for him. I let him know they said it could be 4-6 months before hearing anything. I told him not to worry, i would help until then. I said SSI said the only other option he has is to go on welfare until it kicks in. He thought i was telling him to go on welfare so he blew up at me and i was a piece of shit. When he got his meds from me he apologized and said that he was highly stressed and misunderstood me. I can’t jsut drop the name calling. I told him ok but he could tell i was upset. Later he phones to tell me he was going to pick up my nephew for the day. I told him i already made plans to take him to a friends house so they could play. He again flew off the handle and said “you are fucking rediculous! Without asking me first! Where is your respect for me?” He is the father figure in my nephews life. He is the reason that i have my nephew with me. He loves him like he is his own son. He says i should have made sure he didn’t want him before i made plans. My thinking was that i had him with me, my boyfriend wasnt talking to me, and it was 7p.m. and i had just made the plans 30 mins. prior. I regret not asking because now he has broken up with me. Many things have been going wrong latley but we both wanted to fix them. He is now telling me i have multi personalities and i need help. I don’t, i just love this man so much that when he’s up, i’m up, when he’s down, i’m down. I don’t know how to get him back or make him see that i do love him very much and he is reading things all wrong. I’m hurting so bad right now and am having a hard time getting up for work. Can somebody please help me? Please if all you can say is i’m better off, stay away from him…that won’t help me. It will just hurt me more.
I know i have some issues that need working out and i will be starting my doctors appts. this week…but i feel alot of this isn’t me but i’m taking the blame and saying sorry so i don’t lose him. PLEASE HELP ME!
Don’t say sorry and it is NOT YOUR FAULT! The more you try to hold the more he pushes you away. Its painful but when he is like that GET AWAY FROM HIM.
Patty – do not blame yourself, you are doing what you can with a bad situation. It sounds as though he is actually convincing you that you are doing something wrong. Misery loves company so don’t buy in. From your post I gather that you do not live together and that is a good thing. I know first hand how difficult it is to not react to the things that they are saying…we are only human too and are allowed to feel insulted or hurt by words. That’s the first thing you need to do is to tell yourself it’s okay that your feelings got hurt. Don’t try to convince him, that won’t work. Be true to yourself. Take care of you. When he comes to you or when he needs you, be there for him. Children do what you do not what you say and when they get like this the behavior is really quite child like. Lead by example. I have told my husband that he can call me every name in the book but that he will NEVER convince me that those things are true. If you maintain consistent behavior in response to his he will calm down eventually. I feel bad for you. I feel really bad for him. I just can’t imagine having to live with those racing thoughts. It’s hard enough watching someone have racing thoughts let alone to actually have them in your head. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG and this guy is really lucky to have you. If you need medical help for anything maybe it would be for the depression that results from being on the receiving end of this crap but don’t convince yourself that you are doing something to create these mood swings. You are probably the reason he has not swung even farther. Good luck, I check back to this thread daily.
Wow it is refreshing to finally see a site with some intelligent dialogue and genuine help and concern. I too am a partner of a person suffering with Bipolar disorder and am so tired of reading peoples advice to run for the hills. That is not the answer. Yes times are tough even in the manic phases of the illness, and the depressions are really bad. Not wanting to leave your loved one alone for 10 seconds in fear that they are going to try to end their life and in the manic times knowing that they are chasing rainbows and either going to spend way too much money, cheat or do something equily as careless and not for one second take your feelings in to account. I always try to remember that my partner is not trying to hurt me and does not have a sense of reasoning in those times. I think one of the hardest things is to tell your self “it is not your fault” and actually believe it. It is human nature to blame yourself when something happens in your relationship that is unexpected or tramatic. But for me the answer was never to run. I love my partner with all of my being and in all the times of pain I have suffered as a result of this illness I try to keep in mind that my partner is suffering in a more extreme way than I am. It has surprised me how many posts I have read that the answer to the support and understanding we are all looking for as partners of people with this disorder is to leave our loved one, to abandon ship, to drop them like a worthless sack of potatoes. When we all know that there is some reason we are here. Some reason we care and endure, even when it hurts. There is the person under the disorder that we love and respect and have genuine feelings for. We long to see more of that person but cherish the moments we do get to share with that person. I have come to the conclusion that my partner is worth the fight. And I hope that if the tables were turned that my partner would be there for me the same way I am. That if I were sick my partner would try to understand and empathise, and not throw me away like I was not worth the effort. I would say however to Vivki, that this illness is no joke. It is far from a walk in the park. There are times of pain that are indescribable and this forum or any other could not express what the partners of bipolar people endure. I am not in anyway saying you shouldnt persue a relationship with the guy you like, I am just saying that if you are persuing it because he is not stable and its exciting like a rollercoater ride, and not because you have genuine feelings then be prepared. Just like a rollercoaster ride it starts off exciting but after you have been around it for years and years it stops being fun and you can start to feel sick. Having said that Bipolar people can be the most wonderful people deep down and in my case is worth the rollercoaster ride, but this comes after years and years of love and respect with a diagnosis only 3 years old and 7 years of absolute pleasure predating the diagnosis I have invested much time and energy in my relationship with my partner. To everyone else Thank you so much for posting it is nice to hear that you all have similar experiences and levels of love and respect for your loved ones that I have for mine. Like I said before it helps to read other peoples stories and draw on all of eachothers experiences for support, and for the answer to be anything other than to run away. It is worth more than words can describe.
Loving someone is hard enough; loving someone who may not be able to love you back in the manner you need can be truly devastating. I have a hard time imagining walking away, but I do try to remember that I have to take care of myself. That if I don’t do that; I’m no good to anyone. I can take quite alot, and I’d like to believe that I’d never leave just because someone has an illness. I struggle–ALOT. Frankly, my partner is flying solo in a lot of ways; he has no choice. When he’s spinning; it’s about him–not about me; not about our relationship. And, no matter how much I do, I know there’s no stopping the spinning. So, waiting it out usually seems to be the answer. But after a couple of years of this, I’ll admit–I’m tired; I’m sad; I’m lonely; and sometimes I often question my own need for staying in this relationship. For now, I’m just sitting tight–hardest thing I’ve ever done–and I’ve done it over and over. I feel for everyone in this same position and I feel even more for those struggling with the torturous thoughts that can come with being bipolar. I do know one thing–even if this relationship doesn’t work; I hope I can continue being his friend. Not an easy thing to do by any means when you love someone. Sometimes life deals us a hand that is hard to hold. I just want to try to stay clear–clear about him; clear about who I am; clear about what he needs; and hopefully clear about what I need. This is painful…..
hello Marta,I have been married for forty years,my husband has bipolar and i am worn out from this illness,i should have walked out long ago,but after all this time its difficult,and yes we must try and look after ourseleves,because thay sure wont look after us,Just be strong and battle on dear,what else can we do x
Gail,
He’s coming down off an episode so he was caring and very loving. I don’t know how long this one will last but it’s so great to have some love time right now while trying to deal with it all. I know the things that have been said and done still are very fresh and still hurt me deeply and in his eyes, it’s long over or he doesn’t remember what has happend.
Thank you so much for your words. This is very hard. This weekend we were trying to get along…it worked.
Your words mean so very much to me. I have much more to say but he is here now and wants my attention. I want to talk with you more.
I think one of the most difficult thing in relationships with bipolar people is creating boundaries that are fair for you. I am still not there yet, but working on it. I have in the past tried to blame all the decisions my partner has made that have hurt me on the illness, but am coming to reolize that dispite the illness my partner has to learn to take me and my feelings into consideration. This is where theropy comes in. it is not good enough to crush me and then go talk to a theropist about it later and tell that person how bad you feel about it. But in order to get to that place the bipolar person has to learn the tools to communicate properly and how to effectivly interperet and defuse the situation themselves. Bipolar disorder is not entirly effective with just medication it has to go hand in hand with theropy. They have to be able to challenge those racing thoughts and ideas and analize their desires to be distructive. It is a long hard process for everyone involved.
Patty, I know that creating an environment of positive communication is very difficult and in the “hot” moments isnt the time. I would say when the abusive words are spilling out of him to walk away from the situation, let him take it out in whatever manner he has to without making you a part of it. When the episode is over and he is in a more stable place (I know the instinct is to just enjoy it and to try not to rock the boat) you can start that conversation and tell him how his words/actions effect you. He has to know, perhaps in time if he knows he will recognize those moments and he will be the one to walk away from them and come back to you when they have passed. I am not suggesting that you pick a fight about it just calmly say I would like to talk about how you made me feel during your last episode. Creating a give and take relationship with a bipolar person is very hard work, but you have to be attentive to your feelings and your spouse has to be aware of them too. Perhaps by planting that seed in the stable moments in time will reduse the amount of abusive occurances. Right now as you said it is long over for him and in his eyes he doesnt even remember so its up to you to remind him and make him aware of how you feel about it. Maybe during the next episode that seed will have grown a little bit and he can remember that he hurts you in these moments. I am not sure if this will help at all I struggle with this too and have not come to a place of full understanding with my partner either. Bipolar people in those times are the most egocentric people there are, and nothing matters but themselves. However I know that deep down hidden under all the racing thoughts and impulsive decisions there is a place that loves and respects me and doesnt want to hurt me, I am hopeful that in time with a lot of theropy, medication and love and patience that that place will grow in strength and fight back against the illness. Good luck, I hope things start to stble out for him so they can start stabeling for you too.
Ya know, I hear you Jenn, walk away and bring it up when the time is right, thing is, when is the time right? Everytime I bring up my feelings, I hear, you have impeccable timing, now’s not a good time. Today was a bad day, thing is, just about everyday is a bad day, every moment is a bad time. And when you bring up your feelings, you’re accused of being selfish, without understanding, etc. The list goes on…
…when is enough enough…how can the ups and downs ever be gratifying??? or having to adjust yourself to deal with someones constant up and downs, never knowing what to expect! How is that any type of life to live? Let’s bottom line it, when is the non bipolars spouse feelings ever addressed. All i hear is, you have to learn to deal and adjust and defuse. Where is the accountability for the bipolar person? I’m guessing there is none!
I feel for you as my feelings are needy, selfish and I have to feel sorry for all his hurts every single day. His stomach, high blood preassure he works harder (I work longer hours than he does) and I get told all the time I have to be considerate. Only that I get never considered, ever. There is never an apology or hug or sorry to make me feel better. He dumps the crap on me and walks away. He never talks about anything after. Its very hurtful. All I hear is, well, just leave me then.
Thanks Jenn for your thoughts on boundaries and the need for therapy. My partner takes his meds as he should but doesn’t see the need for therapy. He spends most of his time thinking he can figure things out himself; reads a ton of self help books; thinks his friends or family will give him the answers; and unfortunately thinks of me as his therapist. More unfortunate, is that for a very long time I let him do this. And that is where I totally agree with you that if you are going to be with someone who is bipolar, YOU need to set boundaries. They are rarely capabable of setting the boundaries that need to be there. And, meds are never enough. The racing thoughts still continue and when your thoughts are racing it is absolutely ridiculous to think that you will be able to figure things out. So, I’m dealing with yet another cycle of my partner saying that he needs to figure things out; that he can’t figure it out in a relationship; that he wants to be able to talk to me but not see me; that he doesn’t know what love is; that he would like to care for me but can’t; that he needs to read some more books; talk to some more friends; and on and on and on. And sadly enough, after years of hearing this same thing, I think I may have reached the point where I have finally figured out that I need to set the boundaries. So, I made the decision to tell him that, “no, I can’t be your therapist” and that “regardless of how much empathy I have for you and how much I know it must be difficult to be so confused and so badly wishing to figure things out” that “I can’t be hurt like this anymore.” His answer was, “okay, I understand that, so I guess that’s it.” And so I sit here feeling very sad and alone but know I did the right thing. And I am trying desperately not to think about whether he will call and say he wants to try again, as he has sooooooooo many times before. I love him dearly, but I have finally reached the point where I have to take care of myself. I have to remember that even though he may not mean what he says or does, that on some level he is responsible for his words and his actions. Without therapy I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to handle the relationship whether he want to or not. I wish everyone luck who’s in this situation; and I hope for everyone who is bipolar that they take their meds, they get the therapy they need, and they give themselves every chance to get through life with a little less chaos.
For about a year my partner was perscribed an anti depressant from the family doctor, who assumed she was suffering from depression (because of family history) The meds didnt work and after a few different meds and a pretty major crash we wound up at the emergency phycology department of our local hospital. This in the long run was a god send they were able to connect us with a local mood disorder clinic and start my partner on both the meds and theropy she so desperatley needed. For people with bipolar disorder they need an outside voice of reason, someone who is not involved in situations and without a personal connection to help them learn the tools that will enable them in the future to work these things out on their own. Mood disorder clinics are great they connect people with others who suffer the same way give them an outlet to talk to people who can truly understand what they are going through. There are things that go through a bipolar persons mind that they just cant share with their partners (often for their partners own good) they need someone to confide in and who has some professional training on how to deal with certain thoughts and impulses.
If my partner was not in theropy I dont know that I would still be here, I hold on to some hope that she is trying to get the help she needs and is working on learning the tools to deal with this illness. I love my partner deeply and unconditionally, but like the rest of you it has been so hard. I have been lied to, sneaked around on, cheated on made to feel bad about myself and the list goes on, but I know she is trying. She is going to her theropist once a week and her groups once a week as well, she is home doing her homework from the groups and as I see it making an effort to make sence of all that has gone on so those behaviours can be changed. My partner has said to me a number of times that she would understand if I desided to go, in fact she cant really understand why I am still here. I am still here because I love her and I still have fight in me. I want us to work we have 10 years of history together and most of it was amazing. I am still working on the boundaries and getting those through to my partner. So the beat goes on. I wish you luck Marta I know what you have just done is very difficult and painful. Hopefully it will encourage your partner to get the help he needs and work toward getting better. hang in there.
Jenn is absolutely right. My husband told me for years he thought bipolar, and I wouldn’t hear it. It wasn’t until things got really bad and I finally went to see someone that I was able to accept it.
It feels like we’re being judged when you say it, that’s all.
Sometimes I wonder why mine sticks around too. Your partner sounds like a lucky girl.
I love my partner very much Thordora and although I have been very patient and tried to be understanding and have suffered right along with my partner I know she loves me too and I know that she would never hurt me on purpose. She had to do what she had to do for herself, she cant do anything for me it has to all be for herself and we as humans have to get past expecting others to do things to make us happy we have to do for ourselves first.
It is hard to put your ego aside and admit you need help but when you get to that point things can only get better from there.
I feel the need to further explain my position above on making ones self happy. It is something I have been working on for a long time. like most others I was raised in an environment that taught me that to be happy you have to have others. I was given countless memories that supported the idea that others held your happiness in their hands, happy, shreaking, loving examples of others creating happiness. Rings, flowers, gifts and romantic gestures met with smiles, happy tears and excitement. On the flip side of that in the times that those gestures were absent the mood was discontent, arguments and lack of happy feelings. You dont think of me anymore, you dont care, you dont love me. All because the flowers and cards and consistant romantic gestures had stopped flowing. It is a lifetime of learning. Our parents, families and role models setting the example of how to be happy. And forward into my adult life these ideals came with me. When I got with my partner that idea of happiness was rolling along full speed ahead. Because we are both women we believed that those romantic gestures would never end. The loving notes left for no reason, the countless bouquets of flowers just because “I was thinking of you” Both being women we “understood” the others need to have those reminders. As the years have passed just like everyone else we have come to a place where those gestures have all but ceased. It is simply not necessary now. And that old “understanding” has transformed into a new understanding. My partner has spent her entire life working hard at making others happy and has neglected to make herself happy. that in part has been involved in her origional breakdown. When does one put everyone else aside and work on making themselves happy? This is not to say that for a long time I was not rather upset about this turn in events, it took much time and effort to understand and embrace. Like her I spend much of my time trying to please other people and frankly it leaves me exhaused and unhappy myself. In order to be with her today I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not in control of her actions, moods or behaviours just as she is not in control of mine. Nor are either of us responsible for eachothers happiness. Thus she needs to do what it takes for her to be happy and likewise I have to do what I have to do to make myself happy. Life with that understanding at first is very painful, like a burning coal in your gut. It comes with arguments and tears and trust issues. We are now working past that and working on embrasing eachother again for our differences. The fact remains her trouth is much different from mine and although we may discuss and analize and empathise with eachothers trouths neither of us can ever fully understand eachother’s. Love comes in so many forms and endures so much. But as Kahlil Gibran says your “joy is your sorrow unmasked”. To keep in mind that love and years always evolve and change. To embrace that change and evolution with an open mind and an open heart, with unconditional love is to truly be happy.
We bipolars should never marry, never know love, never know physical intimacy, and never have friends or children, for we will surely disappoint them and, at times, emotionally wound them.
I had my two children before my diagnosis. Had I known of my illness earlier, I would not have become a parent. I am above-average for a Bipolar parent, yes, but still woefully lacking.
Once my son is an adult, I pray God will mercifully allow me to die.
The truth is you deserve as much as anyone to be loved. Your son doesn’t want you to die he loves you dearly for who you are. Express your feelings once in a while and things will be ok! I love my husband too and it is not his fault. I just wished he would open up and talk to me.
Oh Brit It pains me to hear you say such things. Bipolar people deserve love and intimacy, friends and family, the thing to try and remember is we are all human, and to err is human, we will all disapoint and emotionally wound eachother it is part of the growing process.
I can not stress enough to please seek help both medically and emotionally, as a spouse of a bipolar person I can tell you that I have seen great improvements in my partner since she has embrased both her illness and the meds she will have to take to help control it and the theropy which is teaching her the tools to deal with this illness. I guarantee you that your son loves you very much and would be very hurt to see you go. Even after he is an adult. I love my partner very much and despite all of the heartache and frusterations that come with having to deal with such an illness, I wouldn’t change her for the world. I love and accept her for exactly who she is. And your loved ones I am sure feel the same for you. The learning and healing process are long and difficult but you can regain your life back. Stay strong and be patient and forgiving of yourself.
Britt, you are a worthwhile person and your words are so sad. Jenn, wow, you have been dealing almost as long as me. My husband and I celebrate 13 years of marriage in April. I have more to say but am going home for the evening. I will be back on Monday. Hang in there everyone!
Here’s my thing…the love I feel is with the woman who’s “in between” the highs and lows. On one hand, they’re kindness and compassion consumes me. They’re outrageous intelligence draws me to them. Because I was a bullsh-it artist for so many years, I buy into theirs. My last girlfriend bit my tongue HARD three times the first time we really kissed…and I knew why, so put up with the swollen tongue until she “came around.” The lingerie she “bought for me” stays under t-shirts and jeans. The fact that she lives vicariously though others and says mean things to me is so incredibly interesting to me that I stay in and watch “Friends” with her…and wallow in her watching others have intimacy, while she can’t…The woman I love for real at least takes her prozac, and goes to therapy but power trips me by taking advantage of my TRUE kindness.
Who is the one who needs help here? why do I take it?
Wow haha, so funny to read the biting of teh tongue. I too had that issue with my ex. She usually did it to my lower lip though and would add a slight chilling laugh. I always thought wow , what the hell was that. And your right, now it makes sense. Almost everything you said is so true. The talk of the things to come and the oufits, but then something changes and they sit in the drawer. But at that point do you care? or are you just glad she is “back”.
Reading these posts explain everything. Some days things will be great then I won’t hear from her for a few days for no reason. I always thought it was my fault she’d be in these moods because she’d blame me for the way she feels. When she’d like that it seems that she just wants to be alone and have nothing to do with me. She will start calling me self centered if I want to see her. I’ve done many selfless and thoughtful things and she is happy most of the time, but when she gets in this bad, distant mood, nothing really matters, she just wants to sit home alone and watch tv or surf the interenet. I shouldn’t have to keep a list of thoughtful things I’ve done for her. How can she not remember all the nice things I do? How can she call me self centered? Someone like me wants to be with her all the time and there have been times she’d not want me to go home because she’d miss me, but thats when she’d be in a good mood. I realize everyone needs personal space but not seeing her for days? It just doesn’t make sense to me. She wont even admit there’s a problem. I just ask “what’s wrong.” and she says “nothing.” Then I asked her why she’s acting that way and she says “I dont know.” The more I try to get her to open up, the more she insults me and tells me how unhappy she is in the relationship. She’ll say things like “I’ve always felt this way about us.” But a day earlier everything was fine. Most of the time she’s happy but then she’ll go into her episode and things have to be put on hold until she works her way back to feeling better. Last night she was in this bad mood again. We’re dating so we don’t live together yet. We both got out of work at 5 and we usually have dinner together. So I called her and asked her and she said she just didn’t want to see me, for no reason. Then stupid me (I should know better by now) pushed to see her because I haven’t seen her since sunday and we got into this talk about how she’s unhappy with me when it has nothing to do with me. She’s acting this way on her own. So I said she’s the best thing in my life and every day has gotten better since I met her. And she called me self centered! Yea I guess a self centered guy would take days off from work to bring her to the doctors. I am a logical and simple guy so this kinda gets too much to handle sometimes. The secureness most days then the insecure feeling. She tells me I need to be more outgoing and confident with her. It’s pretty difficult to be outgoing and confident when she goes from being loving, caring and happy to not wanting anything to do with me.
Reading this sounds like exactly what I dealt with. Especially the part about the day before it seemed fine, and the next she is unhappy and “always felt this way” the whole time. And suddenly there have been nothing but bad moments, and all those things you did for them or have been there for are forgotten COMPLETELY.
I still cycle through that-exactly that, and it’s unfair and horrible and only now am I able to step back and eventually say “you know, the problem is X, not you-I’m taking it out on you, and I’m sorry”
It’s taken a LONG time to get even there, and it’s still not perfect.
The scary part is how, in our heads, it all seems so perfectly normal, teh crazy…
What I have learned is to always expect she will be in a bad mood so at least I can be ready for it, so when she is in a good mood it will be nice.
I was engaged to a women with bi polar – one day she love me the next day she did not she kept pushing and pulling me. Eventually she told me she did not love me the engagement was finished we where finsihed and tahat we could be friends but it was up to me after all the horrible things I put her through. I tried to keep i contact I even had got her to see a therapist and get some councilling while we where together. I was ringing all the time finally fo the last few months I have not rung and I have heard nothnig from her. I am hurt after all we went through that she cannot even call .Its just this partern of isolatiing herself which she has always done. If I ring I do not knowwhat mood she will be in and often I am mad feel like a irritant merely by asking how she is. Its been one lousy experience ven though I still love and care deeply for my ex finance
i live with my partner who i think maybe is bipolar. he has such mood swings… i tread on eggshells all the time not ever knowing when he will blow. this morning he took off with a bag and told me that he needed a break away for a few days. i have to now sit here and wait for him to return. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up. i love him dearly and when he is having an ok day it is wonderful. but the dark days always come and he is pure hell to live with. the name calling and the putting down eventually wears you down and you think to yourself, how much longer can i put up with this… yes i could walk away and out of his life but i feel i would be letting him down if i did this. its good i stumbled on this site knowing there are other people out there who are suffering the same as i am… bipolar destroys loving relationships… the more i read about it the more i am convinced he is sufffering from this dreadful condition… how do i get him to recognize that he is ill…
I don’t know but they have to be the ones to face their problem. This weekend was awful. She had to work until 6 and I was going to eat St Patty’s dinner with my grandparents at 5. She got so mad when I told her this, that she said “I dont want to see you tonight.” All because I wanted to eat dinner with my grandparents and her and I couldn’t eat together. It’s such a silly and simple thing to get mad over. Her attitude really upset me. Well, I went to her place after I ate and it was like nothing happened, everything was fine. I know what you mean about having to sit around and wait for someone. I sit around and wait until she’s back to being her better self. When I first started dating her she always asked me if I’d get sick of her and I thought it was odd, but that was before she ever had any episodes and mood swings. Maybe she knows but won’t admit theres a problem. Problems don’t solve themselves. She’s still young so I hope she realizes it some day.
my fiance of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. He was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder/ general anxiety disorder. I knew something was wrong when we first moved in together and he completely broke down sobbing over his boss coming to town. I thought it was stress, however it just kept happening. I would cringe anytime a stressful situation arose because I knew it would send him over the edge. Finally, he started taking medicine for a few months. A dramatic change happened and he was the person I fell in love with again. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore, and our relationship was great. Then I noticed his old behavior coming back, and I asked him if he was still taking his medicine. He told me he stopped “about 2 months ago because all the doctors want to do is suck you dry of your money and he couldn’t get a generic brand.”
Then things got really bad. He started talking about suicide and feelings of worthlessness and crying in the bathroom at his job. He called off our wedding and started being mean to our dogs-(never abusing them). Then he would talk about having a family together and talking about where we should move to be in a good school system for our child~ (we do not have kids, but I have always wanted to have them with him). Then he would scream he would never have a family with me.
I called his doctor in desperation when the suicide talk got really bad. He got livid with me. I was scared that whenever he wasn’t in my sight he would try to kill himself. But, he started blaming me for his feelings. I was now the single source of his feelings of anger, depression, rage, worthlessness, and unhappiness in his life. His doctor agreed that he needed to see him right away, however he was so angry that I called his doctor that he completely shut me down and told the doctor he felt fine that day. He also told me that the doctor told him to break up with me. Shortly after that, he broke up with me. I was and am still thoroughly confused. He told me I was too optimistic for him. He feels that people in thier heart of hearts are out to get others and “lie, cheat, and steal from others.”
Due to a lease agreement, we are still living together. It is ending in 4 weeks and it is not soon enough. He is on medication now, but I think this break up is a blessing in disguise. I have been educating myself on bipolar and a lot of things are starting to make sense to me know. Things in his personality that I considered quirky, are actually a symptom of hypomania. I have been going through serious self-doubt and depression, wondering ‘what did I do wrong?’, but the more I read and talk to people about this disorder I realize that it is not me, or him, it is the disorder.
I love him so very much, but I also love myself and do not want to subject myself or children to this destructive and confusing cyclical life. I wish the all the best to people dealing with this disorder and people supporting bipolars. I also hope that people manage their disorder with everything they have in order to stave off unintended consequences to thier relationships.
this illness can be very trying at times for partners. It is important to undrestand that you too have triggers. It is important to be mindful of your partners triggers but also to be mindful of your own. At times you will feel the way you do and your partner will experience the moods they do. It can get better with the right combination of meds, theropy and acceptance. Having said this it is not something you can force on anyone they have to make the decision to seek help on their own. If you do deside to bring it up be very careful to broach the subject delicately. It is hard to hear the people you love tell you that you need help even if you know it to be true.
Approximately a month ago my boyfriend of 7 months attempted suicide. It came as a shock, but now looking back there were so many signs, and that makes me feel so guilty. He had “broken up” with me about a month ago this occurred and broke my heart (although we still spoke to each other every day and were seeing each other), and after the attempt, explained that he had only broken up with me at the time because he couldn’t bear to be with me when he did this to himself. Now he is diagnosed and on medications to treat bipolar disorder and depression. I guess I didn’t see the signs of bipolar before, maybe because he was so good at internalizing his emotions and moods. But after the attempt, I said I would be there for him as a friend, girlfriend, in any capacity he needs me, and he said he wanted to be with me, that i was one of the things hardest to say goodbye to, and that thinking of me was the only thing that made him want to stay in this life. I love him so dearly and am willing to make sacrifices and be patient and STAY with him through all of this, because that is how much I love him. Now it has been one month from the attempt. He was hospitalized and is seeing psychologists and on medications to treat the bipolar disorder. And now, over the weekend he mentions he is losing affection towards me and, in his mind, is seeing me more as a friend. He loves me and doesn’t want to break up with me, but he does want to take time and “try” to get back to that place of seeing me as a girlfriend. This came as such a shock, because I felt as if we were rebuilding this relationship, and now he is pushing me away again. Breaking my heart for the third time. I’m willing to be patient as he “tries”, but now I feel as if I’m staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I guess I just, need some direction, some perspective. He is adjusting to new medications and a new outlook on life, and healing and adjusting to his disorder, does he really just need some time? I have been reading alot of literature on bipolar, and the pushing away loved ones seems to be so common. Has something similar happened to anyone else? The abrupt loss of affection? I have just been through too much, I’ve lost 15 lbs due to stress, and I feel another breakup after building up all this hope is just going to crush me. I just love him so very much. Any guidance would be appreciated. I feel like I don’t have many people I can talk to. Thanks.
Be there, but don’t push. Tell him how you feel, but then back off. Sometimes it’s the pressure of a relationship-having to be kind and nice and, well, normal when it’s so bloody difficult to be that breaks you.
I can’t explain why it happens, but I do the same-I just shut down and I don’t want my husband near me. He lets me know he’s there, but otherwise has learned to back off to a degree. How this would work in your situation, I don’t know. It may not be worth you putting so much time into this. Look at your motivations-do you love him enough to go through this? Are you strong enough to go through this? Do you want to, or do you feel obligated?
Bipolar is a hard third person in a relationship. If you’re up to it, if he’s worth it to you, then fight. But let him make the decisions. If he’s just starting meds, normal might take a little while and even then, he may not ever be the “perfect” guy. I know I’m not the perfect wife by any means.
Email me if you like-also check out salted lithium (link is on my Blogrolly Poly Oly page)
Things like that have happened to me before. The bipolar person pushes the closest person to them away because they know you will be there for them. It may seem like a childish game, but sometimes the best thing to do is back off and let them come to you. Eventually they snap out of their down in the dumps feeling and want to be see you because when they feel good its with you
Thank you everyone for posting your stories. It has made me feel stronger just reading everyone’s episodes. I too am involved with a recently-diagnosed bipolar man, and it’s been every adjective you all have used to describe it. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he feels that he can’t give back what I give him, so he sometimes thinks that we should go our separate ways. He’s incredibly happy when he’s with me, but completely miserable when he’s not. He says he has never not known an answer to such an important question in his life, in regards to either staying with me or not. He’s out of the country at the moment taking care of his ill father, while trying out new medication, and I haven’t heard from him since he left about three weeks ago. He comes back in a week, and I’m scared. He was fine and very loving until his flight took off, and now there’s nothing. I email him once a week even though he doesn’t reply, because that’s the only way I can let him know that I care for him and I’m thinking of him. Nothing too pressuring, but just things about my day, etc. As I said, I am scared of what is happening, and what will happen when he returns. I guess I will not find out until he returns, but any suggestions on the best ways to approach him? Should I wait until he calls or should I casually get in touch with him when he returns home? I’m sorry I’m asking a silly question perhaps, but I need every help that I can get.
I decided to stay with him because I really love him, and I truly care for him. He has been there for me too when I was having difficulties in my life, but he has a hard time recognizing that sometimes.
It has been a very hard month for me, so I’m truly happy to find this site. Any incites and suggestions are appreciated, and once again, thank you for all of the posts.
I too was involved with someone who is bipolar. Although, not clinically diagnosed, his sister is, and everything I have read on this subject describes his behavior to a tee.. My relationship just ended and has lasted two years. We have broken up a multitude of times (every single time him walking out on me). I am a single mother of two small children and when I met him he seemed strong and dependable…Shortly after we started dating, he started to become extremely jealous , would rage in anger and become verbally abusive over imagined slights, never accountable for anything-EVER, abuses alcohol (in denial most times & only once admited he’s a “drunk irish prick” (his words). He is a radio DJ and very charmng on air but in person he is very antisocial and extremely negative & pessimistic. He hates all my friends and it seemed he wanted to isolate me and viewed everyone as a threat. Whenever I did things seperate from him with my friends there was always an underlying tension from him and inevitably a huge eruption would occur. He was constantly saying I was his whole world and his whole reason for everything and I tried to encourage him to do things seperate from me, but he never wanted to.. It seemed he was always trying to get even with me for imagined slights and at times I would just sit there shocked at his emotional maturity level…I can’t even begin to explain the barage of verbal rage I would receive at times and if I tried to defend myself it would only get worse. I was constantly in tears and it seemed all he wanted was to break me down lower and lower. His coldness toward me was baffling and so hurtful. On the flip side there was a wonderful guy beneath it all that i loved. I believed he wanted to marry me and was told he wanted children with me etc. Then come to find out he had changed his mind (and I was the one who had to bring it out in the open). He has made me feel like I am crazy. He crossed so many boundaries with me I am just in disbelief how I could have let this happen. The other day he was in a “mood” and I started to stand up for myself and he threatened leaving the relationship and I finally agreed if that was what he wanted go ahead…and he did. I was constantly keeping us together in the face of his wanting to abandon us, yet he was always relieved when things settled down and convinced me he loved me more that anything.. Is anybody have similar experiences like this????? I am not sure if i will ever hear from him again-he has completely shut me out..when he was level-he was my best friend. I just feel so rejected and emotionally battered.
WOW,I AM DEALING WITH THE EXACT SAME RESPONSE FROM MY UNMEDICATED/GIRL/X.FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS YEAR AND A HALF RELATIONSHIP,SHE TOLD ME SHE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE..AND WONT RESPOND IN ANY FORM. THAT ISOLATION,THAT IS WHAT EATS ME ALIVE…DISAPPEARING AND NOT COMMUNICATING IN ANY WAY….DESERTED
Iwas somewhat relieved to find this site and honestly I’m not a religious fanatic but I do believe in God. Thank God for it.
I read this letter then promptly to be perfectly honest printed if off and mailed it to my husband. He’s in an Institution and they are thinking about releasing him home this August. It’s been awhile I can tell you and what a ride. The razers edge and nothing less.
I told him that we are going to need marriage councelling when he returns since we had some problems when I visited him. He tells me what I want to hear to get me there then it’s walking on eggshells at all times and you just never know what’s going to set him off.
As much as this saddens me, I faxed the Authorities and told them everything and that I was not able to care for him if he came home like this as much as I dearly miss him. He’s not stable and I can’t be a one man marching band for him.
That was last week, I have not heard back from them, I don’t even know if I will.
Given he’s been away for so long and he’s not in good shape yet I am beyond worried about his return.
You can’t bring up anything questionable he does and it’s all your fault and you are the worst person ever and you just use him and the list is endless.
Thank God I have a break and been able to think straight from all the problems he’s caused not only himself but me as well.
I don’t want to give up on him but may have too and I have written to him telling him this and I don’t have to tell anyone here that I’m probably on a hit list now and yes I’m fearful of this make no mistake.
He may be fooling these professionals for all I know but he’s not fooling me. That’s my bottom line.
This condition has pushed everyone in his family away from him, all of his friends and it’s their problem not his as far as he’s concerned. Will he ever be normal again, I have no idea. I pray he is, I pray I have time left with him in this world to be together in normal loving ways.
This has to be the worlds worst problem to endure, a loved one afflicted with this horrific disease. No one would tell you to leave a Cancer Patient and this is much worse by far.
You have to keep control of yourself and try to gauge every little word and action and all times or it’s the wrath. It’s me, me, me, time and it’s never about anyone else but them.
I do love him and this leaves me helpless more times than not or under attack from his extreme selfishness not to mention when he goes into psycosis and damned near kills me while completely insane and can’t stop himself from doing it. No trigger involed what so ever, he wakes up he creates a scenerio that I have wronged him and all hell breaks loose.
I call the police they take him to the hospital, he’s out that night never realizing the full extent of the torture I have endured.
Some mental health professionals I have talked with actually told me to handle all my own affairs and not tell him anything but good things regardless of what’s really happening which I don’t agree with.
The world is full of triggers for him and if he can’t be made to feel for anyone but himself then he might as well stay in there and not fool anyone else to hurt them the way he has hurt all those that loved him.
My heart goes out to you, you have to make the call yourself, I could never tell anyone what to do in their own best interests as I don’t even know myself at times given I love him, I’m trying to understand this for our sakes and I’m in the same boat without answers to any of it time and time again.
Kathryn, I understand so much of what you must be going through as well. It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting. I have said time and time again to my boyfriend that it feels as though you hate me at times and I feel like you view me as your enemy rather than the woman you say you love and adore??? The amount of frustration I feel can be so overwhelming! When a 34 year old man says to me- I make him yell and if I did not do these things he wouldn’t get upset, I feel as though I am dealing with a child. He has no interest in understanding how his behavior has affected this relationship. I was constantly changing myself to meet his needs and it was never enough. ever. Terribly sad to see glimpses of the wonderful man you fell in love with and unbearable to be at his mercy…Hurts way too much knowing I tried to be there for him only to have him leave. It’s like I am dealing with someone who has no emotions right now.
A little over two years ago I met the most wonderful, articulate, communicative, loving, senstive, funny man I had ever met in my life. It was easy to fall in love with him, he held my heart in his hands in it’s entirety. It wasn’t long into the relationship that his behavior was becoming weird, the jokes were no longer funny, at my 110 lbs 5’6″ he was suddenly calling me fat and controlling what I ate. My dream was suddenly turning into a nightmare. What happened to the articulate man that I had fallen in love with who was now drooling on himself, depressed in a corner. Hiding at every glimpse of stress, unable to communicate. Unable to show emotion and unable to care for me if I was hurt, sick, etc. Unable to show any empathy, concern, nothing…two years later in one sentence he can be talking about our wedding date, having kids in the future etc. then later in the evening after an argument he is suddenly hiding in his corner no longer knows if he loves me, if he wants to be together. I have never given so much of myself to anyone in my entire life. My love, patience, dedication, understanding, support etc. to be told that I am the one with the problem. I am the one who is difficult and he is the patient one, the understanding one. He puts down everything I am, who I am in this world & then when I call him on it, he denies that it’s true or says I do the same to him. With this illness everything feels like a game. I watch him toy with others…co-workers. I watch him intentionally play games to get back at them and that is exactly what he does to me. I am tired, lonely, depressed, sadenned, disheartened. He hasn’t been on meds for more than a couple of months and has only tried one med. I have stayed this long in hopes of him getting help but even that took almost two years before he was even willing. It will break my heart to leave him or see him go…but then again maybe the man I fell in love with was never even really there or real. Maybe it was just a manifestation of mania and new love. It becomes easy to lie to yourself when dealing with this illness. Others tell me it’s really not me and is his illness but two years of him telling me I am the problem it’s hard to not start wondering if I am missing something. I read in these posts people saying how hard it is for someone who has bipolar disorder and I am not disagreeing, but all he tells me is “it’s all good”, and he’s “fine”….mania and irritablity has always been his main symptoms not depression. So to those who say the person with the illness is the one who suffers more, I would say that REALLY depends on the situation. Let’s not throw ourselves under the bus and continue to bleed ourselves dry because after all “we have it easy, we aren’t sick” at this point I could really use some support of my own. It has been a long road..I am willing to walk it but someone please tell me the truth about what the meds can and can’t do….
I feel as tho i could have written many of these posts myself… the pain u r feeling, is exactly my pain… how do ppl do it over and over again?? U r all so very strong. I have been with my guy (barely) ….3 months almost, and in that time I have not seen much of him at all.
We had somewhat of a fairytale reunion, and everything was WONDERFUL!! We knew each other from high school (as friends), had not seen each other for 15 years, altho we still share many of the same friends back home. We bumped into each other one day by absolute chance… fell in love and never left each others sides….. until the anger, rage and abuse hit us like a tornado. We have so much in common, we lived in the same city in europe as kids, went to the same high school in the US, and are now also both successfully working in the same industry.
It is like a match made in heaven… we have similar personality types, and just have so much fun together…. but NO… not anymore!
Everything was wonderful for 2 weeks, and then one day he woke up angry, and a completely different person. He usually always held my hand and carried my bag… this day he walked ahead of me huffing and puffing, until I burst out, I could not handle it anymore. I finished by crying, he walked off and did not contact me. I called him the next day and he said he had bought a ticket to go overseas to visit his best friend.
I ended up seeing him a couple of times before he left. HE WOULD actually invite me out to the movies or restaurant for example… and then wen I got there all dressed up and excited, yell abuse at me, not look me in the eye, tell me everything bad about me, tell me I am def not the one for him, even walk off… I was so confused… why did he even bother inviting me out?? The last I heard from him was wen I called him. He was in a bar drinking with some girl, before his trip overseas. He was saying she was the most awesome girl he’d ever met. Wen I asked who she was, so as to not push me away completely he said she is cool “like a sister”… Anyway, I was on my way to work and could not join him… so he basically said “well, see you wen I see you then, good luck with everything” and hung up on me while having an amazing time with this complete stranger. I felt so hurt and devastated. How could he say he wanted to marry me and have kids with me last week, and now this!!
Anyway, he ended up leaving for 3 weeks, and never contacted me wen gone. Then the day he came back to town, he called me immediately, I missed the call and called back, and his phone was off. He was too proud to make the first move. So, I text him. We text back and forth a couple of times, and he invited me out the next day. I met up with him and his friend, we had a great night… altho I was sooo nervous at first. We did drink i have to say… but it was like we continued from where we had left off… it was perfect, and again he was telling the world (and all his friends who he was calling) he was going to marry me and have kids with me, I was “the one”.
Then he had to go away to a friends’ family gathering over the weekend… he walked me home, everything was perfect, butI did not hear from him ALL weekend!! I text him, then he finally called me, and I met up with him again. He was somewhat reserved with his feelings… then as the night and the beers progressed, he was abusive and bossy with me again, with occasional spurts of “love and affection”.
We were a bit drunk, and we had a huge fight where I cried, and he apologized, then we went home to my place. The fight was probably my fault bc I could not handle it anymore. He had introduced me to ppl as his friend, as tho he had just met me that night, wen 2 days earlier I was his future wife. When we got home he wanted to sleep with me and I said no. Then he told me how much he loved me, always had and always would… and I know it sounds like he was just trying to sleep with me, but it was really more than that… he went on to say he was really scared of loving me, and knew I was, but we would try harder. But he also said that I also had to understand that he would always go, but he would always come back. Anyways, he woke up in the morning, ANGRY!!! again!!! He had borrowed my rent money from me the night before, and pressured me into lending him the money, by accusing me of not trusting him. Then he woke up in the morning, and when he was getting dressed I asked him why he was leaving, he said I could come, but didn’t really seem like he wanted me to, he was angry. Then wen I asked if he could pay me back the money… he blew up and asked for receipts and said I was just using him for money. I told him it as not true. He then walked out… and I had no idea how I was going to pay rent or eat for the week.
I emailed him an hour later, and he was online at the same time as me. He text me twice that day to ask for my account details, and emailed me as well (so i do give him that)… but I told him 2 forget about it bc I was so hurt and angry. I also sent him a super long email about EVERYTHING on my mind… including, that he “could” be bipolar, and cut and paste info. It was a very long email, I really told him how depressed I was… prob should not have, it prob stressed him more??
Anyways, I told him I loved him more than words could explain, and that I could go with him if he wanted to a doctor, but not to contact me otherwise because he had torn me apart soo much. He never wrote back. I wrote again… I said, please just give me an explanation, I love you and I have been so depressed, please give me closure. Still nothing.
Then today again (there’s been 4-5 days between each email) saying that I know he does not mean the things he says, but that I still love him more than anyone I have ever loved, and if he ever wanted me here as a friend I would be here for him, even if it meant 10 years from now. I also said that I would start dating other ppl again, since he had clearly broken up with me and was prob seeing other ppl himself.
Like last time before he went overseas, he also ignored my heartfelt text message. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Anyway, I guess what I want to know is… what should I do! Leave him alone like last time, and then he will come back? Maybe he will never contact me again because I told him to look into the possibility that he is bipolar. He also has huge abandonment issues with his parents. He has no bro or sisters, no parents (he cut them out) and only his good guy friends from the last ten years are his family. Most are in relationships and married… does he not think about why they are, and he is not??
What I want to know is… does he mean all these things he says to me? the good, the bad, both, neither? does he remember? MOST IMPORTANTLY, will he return? AND What should I do? How should I treat him? How will he ever learn he is bipolar if he has no family to intervene, and his guy friends will not ever do anything about it. I am so depressed, I have stayed in bed for 2 long, I am so drained, i have no energy to function. I feel used and so unbelieveably hurt.
The other thing i forgot to mention… the last contact I had with him was the following email… What is your account nb, i will deposit wat I owe u. I can’t see you anymore, you and me are not good together, we drink too much and it scares me… its not you… its just that i don’t need another drinking buddy… that’s it. I feel like this is such an excuse as he drinks 1000 times more than me, and sometimes does coke if it is offered. But I think he truly believes this statement!!! I am at a loss…..
Do i leave him alone, or contact him 2 remind him i love him? From wat I read on these posts, that is wat I shd do. I have already sent quite a lot of emails, five in 2 weeks, with no replies. I have not tried calling or texting, should I? Or do i leave him and he will return?? Usually i would feel so desperate and stupid doing all of this contact, but is this what he needs? 2 know I am always here and love him?? why does he disappear for so long all the time? sorry for all my questions AND LENGTH POSTING…. i am just in need of advice so dearly!!! Thanks for reading, and I wish u all so much more happiness, peace and courage in your lives
Denise, As I posted in a recent comment, I have been in a two year relationship with someone who, although undiagnosed (his sister is clinically diagnosed), fits every symptom of bipolar disorder…I have been left feeling abandoned, betrayed, hurt and confused by him so many times throughout the couse of our relationship (refer to my previous comment-it may ring a bell). In regard to your question of “what should you do”……My boyfriend has left our relationship more times than I care to count. Every time this has happened I am always the one to try and hold us together. In the face of his UNDESERVING callousness, verbal abuse, rejection and withdrawl, I constantly kept trying…And eventually we always got back together but ALWAYS at the expense of my energy, dignity and self respect. We have broken up again. He was threatening once again to leave the relationship and I finally told him if thats what he wants, to go ahead and leave. He has absolutely drained me. I have not heard from him in eleven days. I have not contacted him for eleven days, I have cried for eleven straight days. He has broken my heart. The thing is, it would be so easy for me to yet again call or show up at his place and make him look at the pain he has caused and help remind him of the genuine love I know he has for me-but to what avail?? So that he can leave again? So that when times get tough and I need his love too-he can reject me time and time again. He is in denial of his problems and shuns acccountability for anything. How can you have true intimacy with someone when you can’t feel acknowledged in the relationship too?? I know too well how painful this is but do know that it is a vicious cycle. I am hopeful that my refusing to chase after him may make him take a look at himself but I realy don’t know that it will. It is frightening the way your loved one can turn off. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for your support Denise… I really know wat u mean wen u say that u have lost your dignity, self respect and ENERGY!! I also know wat u mean wen u say that you have cried for 11 days straight… I feel your pain. I think we try 2 hard 2 hold onto the “good times” and the “fairytales” and most of all “HOPE”!!! We prob have a bit of a co-dependency thing, but how do u even distinguish between love and co-dependency anyway?? Isn’t it kind of a blurred line… bc wen u love someone so much u just want to be with them as much as possble, share everything you have and give all your love unconditionally. I don’t know if my guy will return, judging from everyones posts… probably, and he did last time. But the prob is, my guy seems to return many weeks later, who knows if it could even be months this time if he is overseas. Apparently with bipolar ppl “outta sight, outta mind” …. and that really causes me great pain. To think that I think about him every moment of the day, and even dream about him at night, and I might not have even passed through his mind in the last 13 days that he has been missing from my life. I wonder if I should have sent all the emails, some angry, some loving… maybe they turned him off me and I seem desperate?? Maybe I should have called or text msg’d?? I don’t even know if he is in the country
My guy has also not been diagnosed, but I know that he has schizofrenia and other mental issues in his family… I don’t think he knows he has a prob?? Does he not wonder why he always gets angry at girlfriends?? does he not wonder why he cannot have a nice relationship with a girl like all his friends have with their gfs?? I know that it will be a constant battle… I have left it up to fate for now (or at least that’s wat I am saying today) …if he contacts me again, I will see him again, and I will try maybe to just be friends, i’m not sure…. maybe I will try again. I don’t want to show off, but there are a lot of guys that like me… and for 3 years I have been single, and he is the only guy I have liked. I have been in love rarely in my life… he is one of the few. So hard to let go… so painful 2 think I might not hear from him. I wonder if your guy will return now that u have broken up with him? I have a feeling he will eventually, if he always has in the past. It’s so easily said… but u need to somehow (myself also) find a way 2 get him 2 realize he has this problem and get into therapy and on meds. I also think that hypnotherapy cds that work on the subconscious could work somewhat, u can play them, and just say they are for u, he’ll still hear them. I also know of a herbal thing that I once took for depression that also works (they say) somewat 4 mood swings/bipolar… its called Clarocet. Maybe u could say that they work for general wellbeing like vitamins (they are herbal)… u can both take them, then he won’t think its aimed at him?? These r just ideas I have thought of in my many hours of depression, haha. I am new to all of this, so everyone will prob think this is absurd!! lol… but I am desperate!! These are just suggestions… I don’t know much, I am new to all of this. I wish u well, keep me posted.
Maggie, I just read ur previous post again since u had referred to it…
“It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting.”
I have tried this myself, watching every word I say, every move I make, shutting up wen he gets angry or tells me to… I sit there in disbelief at times! I am a very independent woman, i manage large numbers of ppl at times in my work… yet I am like an abused subservient housewife wen I am around him in one of these “moods”. Ppl would not recognize me… he turns me into something I loath, and something I stand against after seeing my dear g’ma who raised me for years in such a subservient /dictated relationship. How do u survive like this?? It really does suck u dry being on edeg all the time… and even for all your efforts wen u try, u are still put down!! Is it best I wonder, let me know… to just walk off and make it clear wen they get angry, that u will not be treated like that, and that wen they are less angry you will be waiting for them, and u love them…. and then to just leave (no matter how hard)- in order to save yourself! Something 2 think about (and test out) I guess…
My long-term boyfriend and I just broke up recently. He was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago. When I fell in love with him, he seemed completely normal. He told me he was diagnosed but he said he felt fine lately. I am very deeply in love with him and I would do anything to help him… but as other people have said, things weren’t always so pretty. I chewed too loud, typed too loud, talked too loud, ate too much, etc. I spent half the time trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong all the time and if I really was so annoying. He used to come home from work and some days he would be perfectly happy to see me, and others not so much… he would yell at me because his room was too hot or slam things around. He would get angry at me or accuse me of things that I would never dream of doing and tell me to get out. I would leave and then he would always call me or ask me to come back and that he was really sorry and “didn’t understand” why he felt that way and couldn’t control it. I know he frustrates himself all the time with his behavior, or he used to. He isn’t receiving any treatment and I begged him since he started to get like this… he said he needed to “figure things out on his own.” Recently he started hanging out with people who aren’t people he would normally be around, going out all the time, making “spurratic plans”, and drinking a lot. I used to never even get him out of the house to go to have dinner with friends. He was always wanting to be home to relax. I would do anything for him, but I came to the conclusion that I should probably go ahead and leave him to himself for now and make sure he damn well knows that if he ever needs anything, to let me know. I didn’t want to leave him… god, I did not. But I just had to. It’s hard when you’re trying and trying and you’re getting ignored, or downed all the time. I just wish he would get help and it frustrates me most of all that I cannot make him! I KNOW that he is such a beautiful person. I just wish he would realize that he can’t do this by himself, and just get help. He used to be on medication but it made him suicidal so he refuses to go on it again. Everyone is telling me to “get over” him and “let him go” and I’m doing the best I can. God knows I’d love to move on completely. But he’s sick and I really love him. For a long time, he was doing really well and I have always held onto that. None of my friends understand what it truly means to go through this particular situation and I feel so alone. I’ve never been so depressed and had this bad of anxiety. I worry about him all the time, as I’m afraid he will hurt himself. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to do to grieve the relationship and try to be happy. I’ve never had this hard of a time even beginning to let someone go. I am extremely lost. Anyways, I’m glad I found this. I wish I would have found it a long time ago.
im so glad i found this site… its not my fault.. everything makes sense now…
Chris, I am glad u found this site. It is a gr8 support. You realize ur not the only one out there wen u read all the posts, and like u said, u realize it’s not all YOUR fault. It makes it somewhat easier when questions you have been dying to have answered, are finally answered. I had to cut off from my guy. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I did wat was best for me. I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again or trust again. I don’t think I will ever see him again either. It was so easy for him to move on, yet a couple of weeks earlier I was everything to him and he told everyone I was his future wife. It was too abusive, I was so depressed I did not get out of bed for over a month. I begged so many times, shut my mouth so many times, lost my dignity and looked weak (which he finds unattractive), and was always said to be playing “the victim” -which is actually his starring role. He lied to me, humiliated me in front of all his friends, and MY friends, borrowed money with the intention of never paying back and I could not pay rent, and the list goes on… Time makes it easier, and getting busy helps. I still miss him so much tho. Wen he was sweet, he was sweeter than anyone I have ever known. The only way to stop going back to him… was to delete his number, email address, etc… If I really want I can find him, we have mutual friends (we kno each other fr high school), but it helps not being able to “easily” contact him. Sometimes I think he might just pop up out of the blue weeks or months from now… maybe he will?? Ppl have said that bipolar ppl usually return after their time-outs… we’ll see… he has done it twice before. This time I think it is different tho – I hung up on him and told him to never contact me again. If he returns it will be so hard to say no, but just as hard going back into it knowing it will happen again. Plus he is not medicated, has no idea he has a problem…. it’s just everyone else with the problem. His friends are oblivious. I wish you well with your loved one, and hope this site is just as helpful to you as it has been to me.
my boyfriend is bipolar and things at times can be very hard. i didnt know for the first 8 months we were together, i just thought that sometime he can just be a real jerk. one night i over heard him telling his sister that he has it. we havent talked about it at all. right now he is in a really bad place and i found out he isnt just treating me bad but also his best friend. i know it sounds bad but it kind of makes me relieved that he is acting like this to his friend as well cause then i dont feel like im doing something wrong.
he doesnt yell or call me names but he distances himself from me really badly. i cant help but ask often if he still loves me or wants to be with me. ill text him and tell him that i miss him and he sends stuff back like im sorry. i dont understand how he can go days without me cause it makes me want to die when he isnt around. i love him very much and dont want to give up. it just hurts so much when he is down. lately i find myself resenting him when he is around though i dont say anything. is that bad?
i know he wont get help and he wont talk to me or his friends, but right now things are bad. my heart hurts all the time and im afraid to talk to him about it and the disorder cause i dont think he even knows that i over heard him telling her. i just need to find out how to make it easier and when he wants to be distant should i let him be?
hello cleveland, i kno it is very hard, ad sometyms we even have to wonder if they love us. In my case I really don’t think he loves me. We had a fight, I hung up on him, and now it has been 3 weeks and no word… think he has moved on… it hurts very much. As for you tho, it sounds as tho he really does love u as he is able to hold back from being abusive and altho he disappears sometyms, when u txt he still txts back. My guy would not even text or call back wen he disappreard, and sometym this would be like 2 days after he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day!! I do believe that they really need their space, and we have to give it to them…. which really f sux bc sometyms u just want to b around them all the tym bc u love them so much! rm wat i have read -postings by bipolar ppl- wen they go thru certain cycles they need to b alone, and cannot stand the presence of the ppl they love most… there is no explanation why… that’s just how it is! Give him his space… u will just have 2 b strong and keep busy during those periods. Wen the come back they are all refreshed. My ex would always be so happy 2 c me and sooo in love with me wen he returned. As for the facing him about his problem… that is very delicate, but it needs to be done. MAybe u shd just be honest and tell him u accidentally overheard… altho he will bring it back later in a fight and turn it against u. U still need 2 bring it up… if he doesn’t get help it will get worse and worse. Brinit up delicately, very casually like it is nothing, wen he is in his “happy” mood. My guy doesnt even kno he has it… i sent him emails, I’m sure he read them… but I think he is going to b in denial for a long time… t’ll have to get really bad, something will have to happen, for him 2 ever c this. Good luck n keep us posted…
thank you denise so much for responding to my blog. i have been looking for someone to talk to about all this and now i finally have found something better. i have found people that live with this on a daily basis and also people who have bipolar. i dont think anyone else could understand but all of you. it totally amazed me last night. i filled out my blog and checked it later only to smile and hold back my tears on joyfulness that someone actually responded to help me. my night seemed to only get better cause later my boyfriend called me while he was at work. that never happens when he is there or even when he isnt for that matter cause he hates talking on the phone. but he was so sweet to me and talked for the few mins he had. at the end of the conversation he said i love you first. i needed that so bad and he finally gave me that feeling of love for the first time in almost 3 weeks. the text he sent me later were very sweet as well. a few were his usual “what did you do all day and with who?” there was also a “your other boyfriend”comment thrown in the text but it didnt seem to serious, i just assured him that there is no one else and answered the questions he asked honestly and with details to make him feel better. i dont have anything to hide. but im keeping my fingers crossed that his bad feeling is gone and hoping that my boyfriend is back. i wont really be able to tell til tomorrow night that is if he stays with me. its just hard realizing that the good wont stay for long before hell is back…
Cleveland, I am so happy that I was able to bring a bit of happiness and relief to you. Enjoy your bf while times r good, but just remember that it will always revert to bad, and protect yourself for those times. Give him his space. Just a question… does your bf disappear sometimes? if so, how long for? Is it u that always initiates the contact again? How long have u gone out for? I am wondering at the moment wat i shd do… i am dying inside, i miss him so much!!!!! He really is a part of me somehow?? He has been gone almost 3 weeks. I hung up on him and told him he was schizo and to stay away from me. He did some pretty terrible things that pushed me ovr the edge. He then turned it around and said I WAS crazy, and really believed it!! ANyways, we have known each other since high school, but only gone out since feb, and in that tym I have spent more time away from him than with him, and I always initiate. I was going to b strong and not lose MORE dignity…. plus he told me he just wanted something causal (sex)….altho for months b4 that I was “the one” and he wanted to marry me. Do I wait longer or do I initiate contact…I’m not sure?? Anyways… just venting. Thanks for reading.
my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months now and we too have know each other for a long time, since middle school. we both had crushes on each other back then but just never seemed to come together til this year. its not so much like he dissapears but just becomes distant. i will only get a few text from him in a day and i wont see him sometimes for a couple but he still will text somewhat. they just are very simple yes and no answers and no replys back to i love you or i miss you unless they are kind of mean replies.
i know how it is to love someone so much it actually is over whelming sometimes. i know what it feels like to love someone more than you could ever love yourself. i dont know if you feel the same way but i can tell that this man means a great deal to you. he definatly is someone you want in your life, but you cant make someone be there as i have been learning with my boyfriend. i would say talk to him. he isnt gonna know how you really feel without you telling him. and maybe you already have but tell him again. you know what really helps me is if i write down everything i want to say. i know that sometimes when i get in the situation of talking i get so nervous and jumbled that i cant focus which makes my words at less of an impact. when you write it use alot of examples and describe things. be very open all in words. when it comes time for you to give it to him to read dont mail it or call him first, just go someplace where you know he will be and simply say…i have something for you to read and it might take a little time. i would really like to be here when you do and i was wondering if right now is ok?
another thing to keep in mind the whole casual sex thing could just be a mood swing or maybe he thinks he wouldnt be able to make you happy so he doesnt want it to go further. but please dont be nieve. keep in mind that there is a chance that maybe his feelings have changed for you. prepare yourself for all the outcomes and make sure you can handle any of them before you make contact again.
if your ready i would go for it. its not fair for you to wait around. you gave him space and time. now you need to know what the future holds with him so you can start living it or start healing. i wish you the best of luck and i really want things to work out for you. please keep me posted denise.
ps funny question where do you live? ha ha cause i know some of the people on here said england. i live in michigan…
Thanks so much for your words and support, it really means so much. You are the first person to reply to a post of mine. I think the letter idea is a great idea if he reads it in front of me… I get so nervous around him sometimes. We have also known each other since we were kids, and have the most craziest things in common. He is the only guy in the world that has lived the same life as me… he even says “parallel lives”.
I am not sure how to go about this… but I might make some small initial contact thu email first. He always responds after it has been a while wen I call, he usually does not answer to emails… but I think I am not ready to lose my dignity too much at the moment!! haha. Everytime I have told him I would never contact him again, I still have. This time was supposed to be different. But I miss him so much, and I am not sure if he is just pushing me away bc of his moods or because he thinks that it will be more heartache for both him and me. I have written lots of really long emails in the past about my feelings, and he never replies, he doesn’t even mention them when we see each other again. After we’ve been apart for a while, he is always happy to hear from me tho… but rarely makes the first move. As i write this I am thinking I might wait another couple of weeks or a month before initiating… since there is a chance he could initiate first. If he does not it will give him his time out. He is also busy and travels a lot -so manages to move on from all the ppl (friends also) that he fights with, with ease. I have a feeling he is depressed or in a weird mood, on face book he had 100 friends, and has now deleted all these ppl, only has 20 left… that is not normal behaviour!! Oh well, I will keep u posted. Thanks again for your reply. Pls keep me posted on your progress as well. : ) ps – I live in Australia, funny how love is the same in all hemispheres, haha.
yeah i seemed to have spoke to soon. he text me today and ended things. this is the first time i think my my heart has ever felt pain like this before. its so overwhelming i cant seemed to take a breath. he said he hasnt been happy for a while with me, but he never told me anything like that. when i would ask him he always said yes. he stayed last and told me he loved me. we had such a great night. he held me in the dark and i remember falling asleep with a smile to the feeling of his breathing on my neck.
i know it that it might accutally be for the best but i cant help thinking that things ended to sudden and this whole situation wasnt fair to me.
-its now the next day. i started drinking yesterday and didnt stop so i couldnt finish this. i know that it was self destructive and i dont drink often but for once last night i went out and did something i wanted to do. it made sleeping a little better cause the first night alone is always ruff.
i just cant believe that this is happening. my heart hurts so bad. i want him to came back but i also dont think that i could let him back into my life. i cant go through another break up with him and thats only where it will lead. i just want him to hold me and kiss me again. i just miss his love…
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Dear Cleveland, i am so sorry to hear about what happened, I know how unbearable the pain can be, and how hard it is when you don’t get closure. You want answers to the many questions you have, you want to make sense of it all… but they will never make sense, bc the things they do to us never make sense, they don’t even know why they behave this way. Its so hard to think that a couple of days earlier he said you were his soulmate, and then now he does not love you anymore?? How can that be??? My bf did the same to me… a couple of times, and each time I had to go thru the breakup all over again!! I really don’t think that they can just stop loving us overnight like that! They must still love us, but be in one of their “moods” -they also have probs dealing with their emotions. Every now and then when things are too perfect (in love) they remember that “love just means pain” — therefore it is best to break things off before smething painful happens. This is what I have read on various websites that bipolar ppl have posted on. I really want my guy back as well, altho I know i shd run!! …. I have never loved anyone like this before, and so many things tell me that we were meant to be together… i know it sounds cliche!! If I am honest with myself I know that he will destroy me again and again, and not be good for me. He is not officially diagnosed, but I know that even if he was and took meds, and saw a pschologist… from wat I read, the road will still always be rocky. Everytime he broke up with me for no reason -outa the blue- when things were going so beautifully…. it was hard, and each tme was even harder and I suffered great depressions where I could not get myself out of bed for weeks at a time. I have left him, had no contcat for a month… then last night I wrote him an email saying that I just wished him well, and I wanted to clear the air and end things nicely. WHo knows… he may never even reply, sometimes he just chooses to ignore me for ages…. I might actually never hear from him or see him again in my life, which saddens me…. but I am thru with losing my dignity and begging. He knows I love him, I’ve sent enuff emails, he needs to put in some effort as well… i deserve that at the least… and so do you, Cleveland. I think you should not take it to heart (easily said!) what your bf said… how many times do they says things just to hurt us!! He cannot mean it really, if three days earlier he was so in love. He says he has had these feelings for a while, but I think he was just saying that to get a reaction, as they love to do. They really love to hurt us, and see the damage they can cause, they really seem to enjoy it when they are in these “moods”. It is going to be very hard, but give him his space for a while, could be a month or two. Maybe send him a short email or text telling him you love him, always will, and if he ever wants to be friends or come to you, you will always be there for him, but you will leave him to decide when as you realise he might need space. He will always have that email, and he will always know you love him, so if he wants to come back when his “mood” changes again… he will know it is possible. Apparently they always end up coming back… mine has come back the 2 times he left me…. this time might be different though… especially bc mine travels… so outa sight, outa mind
We have both known our guys since we were kids, so there will always be somewhat of a bond there, more than with anyone else. Also, remember, that if he cannot make it with u, chances are very very very slim that a relationship with anyone else lasts, or that any new girl puts up with half of what we do! Last time I saw my guy he was very hurtful, he was so nice to me and in love, and after he slept with me he just ignored me. I felt so betrayed and worthless and made a fool of. He also told me we could not be friends (without sex) the way he can be with this other girl (a mutual friend) that we know from high school, bc things are just different with her, she is like a sister…. but they have slept together 3 times in the past…. she lives in another city, has 2 kids, and does not live in the same world as we do… we are both actors. It hurts that he belittles who I am to him. I wonder if he will write back?? Let me know how everything goes Cleveland… i wish you lots of luck, and most of all lots of strength. Write wenever u lyk, writing really helps to get thru tough times : )
um yeah so the past week has been hell. i just hurt so much and was having a hard time dealing with it. and then last night he came up to the bar i was at. he atleast text me and asked me if it was ok first. i wanted to play it cool and act like it didnt bother me so i said yeah come on up. all of our friends were there like every wedsday night so i wouldnt be alone. he asked me if i wanted to play pool so i said yes. he looked so good and i was trying real hard not to stare at him. we started talking about everything and i knew where it was going. i was so scared and i dont know why. maybe because i wasnt sure what i was gonna say if he did ask me to come back. he told me that he missed me and that he has been misserable the past week. about how all he could think of was me and he made a mistake. that all the reasons he broke up with me in the first place werent important anymore cause he would rather have me in his life than without. we ended up talking for hours about everything. i told him how i felt about everything and he listened and talked with me which was really nice. in the end the deal breaker was when he kissed me he started to cry and i melted right back into his arms. i have never seen him like that before. i did tell him that this is it, if it doesnt work out this time dont bother coming back cause i wont have it. i dont want to play the back and forth game but i would like us to have a second chance. so we are both pretty happy for now. im not sure how long thats gonna last though. heres hoping for a long time. i know that my room mate is very pissed about all of this. she is my best friend but she is very controlling over me and lets just say she hates my boyfriend. i guess ill just have to keep them out of the same room ha ha :/
denise-did he respond to your e mail yet? i really hope that he does you seem like a very sweet person. i wish they just understood that forgiving people like all of us on here dont come around as easily as they may think. it takes a very special person to be with someone who is so unpredictable. i hope he realizes that you do try because you care about him. please keep me up dated-let me know if he wakes up
Hello Cleveland, thanks so much for you email and support. I am soooo happy for you. It is so nice when they come back to their senses!!
I really do think that your bf loves you… but as you know, it will prob happen again, and we will feel pain again… but, that being said, there is still hope. Have you discussed the “bipolar” thing with him?? … I know wat u mean about ur friends. I think it is so easy 4 ppl to say “forget about him, he is no good” …it s so easy to say, but a lot of ppl who say this, if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing. Your friend prob really is just worried and cares a lot for you, does not want to see you hurt again…. but a bit of supprt is nice when u love someone so much. Also, ppl cannot understand when they kno nothing about bipolar. I knew nothing about bipolar b4, I would have just thought the person was a jerk before I read up on it.
Well, my guy has not returned the email. I though he had perhaps not been online bc he is overseas working, prob very busy. But when I checked his fcebk page… I am a bit of a stalker, hahaha…. I am not friends with him on there, but I can look at his friend list… and he has added another friend… therefore he has been on, ignored me. I am dealing with things okay this week, considering. Just keeping very busy. I really miss him soooooo much tho. It’s just not fair! Even my flatmate says that it is so sad, as we were like the perfect couple, had soooo much in common, and have known each other since we were kids, was like a fairytale. I know that he will never find another person better matched, and he must know that…. why does he destroy all his relationships that matter?? He doesn’t even talk to his mother!! I really think he hates women sometimes. Maybe he will write again one day… I’m sure he will one day… but who knows, could be years from now. We have all the same friends from high school, so he’ll hear about me, and me him, every now and then. I could not help myself, I wrote another email… just 2 tell him the good news that I got a REALLY amazing promotion at work!!! We work in the same industry. Anyways… for now I always live with hope… I am a sucker for hope!! haha. Please keep me posted on your situation. Again, thanks for ur supprt, and i hope he sees things clearly from hereon as it sounds like u are both very much in love.
well im sorry to hear that he didnt respond. i was hoping to hear that he did. and yes i do agree that friends dont understand sometimes. in your off time have you been going out at all and trying to talk to anyone new? i know that i didnt talk to anyone in that sense but i did try to get out of the house as often as possible. duane-thats my boyfriend-he is a little better but its still to early to tell i guess. i really want to take things slow this time around. im happy to hear you got a promotion by the way-congrats!!! and your not a stalker for checking up on him ha ha i would and have done the same kinda stuff. all it is is curiosity ha ha. stick to that story ha ha. this is really nice-i know it sounds kinda corny but i actually look forward to hearing your responses. it makes me feel alot better. cause all of my friends are very unsupportive and here is this person who lives across the world from me and really is hopping for the best instead of waiting to tell me i told you so. its always good to have hope denise. dont let anyone tell you different. he is what makes you happy. he is the man you love and are willing to try and work things out with-why wouldnt you hope that comes to his senses? he is important to you and that is obvious. i hope he does too
Hello Cleveland, thanks for ur reply, it really is so nice to feel as though someone understands and supports. How crazy is it wen one finds support with someone on the otha side of the world! Pity those around us cannot be there for us, wat has the world come to! lol. That being said, thank god for sites like this that enable us to connect. I know our friends worry, but a bit of support would be nice. My friends are totally ovr it now, and just tell me to move on, he is a bastard. Wish it was so easy! To answer ur ? – I don’t go out and meet other ppl. I am just not interested in other ppl. I am still in love with my guy, and no one compares to him. I know its wrong – and when I am honest I know he is bad for me and in fact, he cannot compare to anyone bc he is such a bastard… but I love him!! So… since I saw u – lots has happened… and only in the last 2 days!! I was out at a cafe/bar near my house, minding my own business, at night, with a close guy friend. I was talking about my guy (whose name also starts with a D, lol) and literally 20 seconds after I finished talking about D…. who should walk past… D, himself! I was shocked!! Had not had contact in about 2 months! I was just starting to slowly get over him and realise inside that he didn’t love me and I would never see him again! I felt so nervous! I went to the bathroom, I was shaking and almost vomited. It was almost too much for me!! I love him… but he scares me bc he always leaves a trail of destruction behind, and I end up in a complete and utter depression that takes me at least a month to get out of. Anyways… he was back in town for 2 days, and then off again. He was on his way to my house when he saw me sitting at the corner cafe. He came to see me while he was here for only 2 days… which was really nice in a way. I think I always knew somewhere inside, and still do now… that he will always come back. He always used to tell me, ‘I always go, but I always come back’ … very bipolar behaviour! So, we had a gr8 nite out with my friends. But… he does not have an atm card, bc he does not trust himself with not blowing away all his money, and only gets money from walking into the bank to keep it under control. He asked me to pay and said we would have a gr8 nite out, and he wd pay me back the next day. He said this to me once before… and never paid me. Yelled at me for “using him” instead. I could not pay rent that week! This time I thought (my problem: hope) that it would be diff…. bc he just got a huge job where he was paid ovr 100k. He swore he didnt pay last time bc he was broke. This time he swore he would pay me everything back, even the money from last time. I believed him, spent my rent money again… and the next day he gave me only 20 bucks. I said nothing… wat’s it gona change if i do say somthing?? He will yell at me, I’ll be even more depressed and hurt, and wont see the money anyway.
That night he kept telling me that he really wanted to make it work btwn us, and that he really wanted me to move with him to the new city he is moving to (which I am incidentally also moving to for work). Wenever I rolled my eyes or laughed it off, he was really serious, and told me to take it serously as well. He told me he loved me and wanted us to have children together etc etc. He always tells me these things… and I know this is weird to say, but I swear he really does mean them. Ok, he was drunk. But in the morning wen we woke up, he also kept saying all these things. We walked around, and he held my hand, we hugged and kissed really affectionately etc etc. When we woke up he really insisted on taking me out to a really nice lunch, and he did. Then… he got kinda angry at the waitress for taking 4eva… thn went really quiet after we left the restaurant. We went and sat down somewhere outside in the sun, and we were hugging and kissing really affectionately, and he was saying it was really nice. When I told him I missed him already, he said he liked hearing that. Then, I had to go to work. He didn’t even accompany me to the bus, was still really quiet, said goodbye, and I have not heard from him since. I sent him 2 nice, kinda fun, text msgs… and nothing!!
The other thing… he has read every single email I have sent him, and I think he has considered that he might have bipolar!! When we were at the restaurant, he casually, outa nowhere, brought it up. He said “wat is that disease u think I have? Bolar, polar??” …as if u would not know that name?? I casually said “oh, bipolar?” And he said “yes, so what is it exactly?” So I explained it to him in a very casual “watever” kinda way, mentioning many times along the way that he “might or might not” have it, “who knows”. Didn’t want to push it. He actually took time to think about it, look very concentrated, and then said “yeah, maybe I do?? Who knows. Maybe I do??” –SO I said, “yeah maybe”. Then he asked a couple more questions about it, and then concluded that he “probably does not” because of whatever… dont remember the excuse. But I think he might actually know he has it, but bc he is so proud, is slowly testing the waters just to see how I feel about it. Maybe he even knows and has just never told me?? He has brought up weird stuff in the past… such as: “i bet u some women take meds and u would never know” … Just outa the blue, no reason?? OR “why do ppl cry, I just dont get it??” -when we were watching a movie… wat kind of a ? is that I thought?? Then the other night he admitted to me that he cries every night. He was drunk when he told me, but when I laughed, he was serious and I apologized.
Aaaahhh!! Now I probably wont c him for months… again!! I can’t believe this!! Why doe he always have to leave for so long, yet always come back for so short? Most ppl think he is just using me… and to tell the truth he is! …but that being said, I also KNOW he loves me, but I think he is just messed (sorry please don’t take any offence anyone) in the head and cannot handle his strong emotions he has for me, and gets paranoid and scared, and runs away as quickly as he can. I just don’t know why someone would tell me all these beautiful things and have all these future plans to be with me in their head, one minute, and then the next minute not talk to me for weeks, sometimes months… yet always return, and always return with the same force! He could be using me for sex, but he would not have to go that far and say all those things, and say them wen he is sober as well after we have slept together. I think he always knows when he does the wrong thing, but does not realise this until later. Bc he always brings things up that I think he would not remember (even small things) and casually apologises for them. Still does not change the fact that I am hurt, lied to, practically stolen from!!
I don’t know wat 2 do?? I am still a bit hurt… but to tell the truth, I am mainly numb this time around. I think this could actually be his last chance with me as more than a friend. He actually is starting to turn me off with his verbal diarrhoea -i learnt how to spell that word from a tv commercial last night… hope its right, lol! He really talks a lot of shit, and always contradicts himself. Sometimes I truly don’t think that he even knows what he is talking about!! Plus he is so far up himself. This is all mainly when we go out and drink, this verbal diarrhoea and talking contradictions. But… then again, fuck! No!-I still love him, haha. I think I have learnt that he will always go, always lie, always come back, I’ll always be hurt. I want to stay away, but don’t know if I will nxt time he comes around. I feel so used. I just wish I knew for sure if he means the things he says??
Well, this is very long…. sorry to selfishly just talk about me, me, me! lol. I think I just really needed to vent. How are things going with you? I hope things are going well. I think your guy is a little more “stable” than my guy. He seems to do less disappearing acts, and when he does for less time. Have you at all had a chance to get around to casually, very slightly, very quickly, touching on the subject of him perhaps being bipolar? If I see my guy again (who knows??) I am going to keep at it… but very subtly, and let him drift there again. Oh, and by the way.. he reconnected with his mum after all these years, bc of me kind of. I always talk to my mum, and he saw that. And both are mum’s are very similar and from the same backgrounds, so me and my mum remind him of him and his mum maybe?? I really think that he read the bipolar links I sent him. He used to get mad at his mum for nothing, yell at her, abuse her and leave. Now he said he sits there and when she nags, he just lets her have it and zones out, slouches fwd so she knows he hates it, but keeps his anger in control. I told him women just need to vent – like when I write him long letters – and he said he has been thinking about things and really understands “things” and “women” better…. meaning I think…. that he has read the bipolar info I sent in an email, read it, and realised he prob does get angry a lot and has tried to maybe monitor it a little more. He does actually seem a little less anger-driven than usual. He didn’t have a full mood swing with me. He usually turns angry, then disappears -after he has fallen in love again and sworn to marry me. This time he just went quiet – then disappeared, lol – Wow! so much better, lol! Actually yes… i hate the anger. writing this post, I am really starting to think that he has been monitoring his anger. Wow! -Still disappears though. Look fwd to ur nxt post cleveland… sorry for the long long detailed venting session, lol.
hello denise-
i really couldnt tell you if he was using you or not. i tend to fall for the act. id like to think that someone could love me as much as they say or else why would they say it?! im not saying that your guy is guilty of this, im just saying. i am happy that you got to see him after so long. have him around even if it was just a short amount of time. at the same time im sad not that he left because he had to but that he didnt even bother to keep in touch once again. and dont be sorry about writing a long message. this page really does help and its good to vent. i wouldnt respond if i didnt care to hear about whats going on just like you wouldn’t.
it sounds like he might really be recongnizing the fact that he might have a problem. (i can’t spell ha ha). but really i dont think he would have been so interrested about it unless a spark went off. my dad used to say something to me when i was younger. now dont take it as its said, think outside cause it relates to us. he said a “man can cheat on his wife and still love her.”
i think that sometimes men do things that arent right, or hurtful, or down right shitty, but that doesnt mean they don’t love us. he can be mean and treat you like crap and still love you denise but that doesn’t make it right. IM JUST AS GUILTY so please don’t take this as an attack on you-i would never be so one sided. im just saying it amazes me how many times we forgive and over look some things.- im gonna post this and write more later cause im at work and its time for me to go home ha ha-i work midnights so i really want out of here ha ha…(to be cont.)
Hello Cleveland,
Thanks so much for your reply. I really look fwd to ur posts. It’s really nice to kno that someone out there cares, supports and understands my choices
I am also in a rush, btwn crazy work schedules n dealing with my depression, and being completely emotionally and physically drained! I have NO energy!! I always feel this way after he leaves. He always pops up at the VERY worst time also! I know wat u mean about the shit we put up with tho! Seriously, we women are such forgiving and loving souls. It is hard to know why someone wd go out o their way to hurt u so much. From wat I have read they hurt us to feel in control, and to kno that we will still love them no matter wat, unconditionally – which is really hard a concept to grasp. Have you also read something similar to this?
A post I read said… “they say terrible things and try to cause the most possible pain because they desparately need us to show them that we’ll love them no matter what.” Another quote was “never ever believe that he means the nasty things he says. If you didn’t matter to him, he would not be interested in hurting you. He does it because he loves you and he is terrified of losing you. Paradoxically, he hurts you because that’s his security blanket.”
I know with D, he says he loves me, and tests my love with questions like “what is the most important thing to you in the world?” and “u can only pick one” –god forbid I said “you and my career” (which is the truth, haha) ….I said “you” and he said “good, that’s what I want to hear, that’s really good, because we can really make this work for us”. Then when I said “I miss you already” he said “I like to hear that”. I think it is tru, he always needs to feel love and know that I still mean it and have not changed. BUT it is so damn OBVIOUS!! I put up with all the shit and constantly tell him I love him and miss him!!! Duhhh??? haha. (sorry, no offense to anyone out there, its just so frustrating).
Its really hard to understand. I mean… R we just meant to be punching bags forever?? Always understanding and there for them?? Never question them and make them feel bad about their actions?? They are never there for us!! I really need him right now too, I really miss him. I am very stressed with my current project and it would be a great thing to have a proper bf to come home to -or even just call- to talk things over with and cuddle with. Or at this stage I would even be happy with a text msg… some acknowledgement!! Why can i not have a normal bf??!! –u know, I only see him about 1-3 days at a time, and then he disappears overseas for work (if that is even tru, starting to wonder if he is a pathological liar) and then a month later I see him again for a couple of days. Everytime he sees me he wants to marry me and have kids with me, and tells the world I am his future wife, etc… he says we are perfect together… our story really does sound like a fairytale to the outside world, parallel lives, known each other since we were kids and everything else we bizarely have in common with no one else… but then, as soon as he tells me all these things and opens up, just as quickly he runs away and does not reply to any of my msgs?? It is the weirdest behaviour, changes so quickly, he is Jekyl and Hyde. He is in love one minute, and I am not kidding, he can snap and change into really quiet or angry in hours, even minutes. I really think he is a rapid cycler.
In the last 4 days I have sent 5 texts, and nothing!! The day before he was getting annoyed when I didn’t take him seriously about the marriage and kids stuff he was saying, and the fact that he wanted to make it work btwn us and have me live with him in LA… I think he seriously has rapid cycling, there is no other explanation, other than an evil sociopath that loves to hurt ppl. I think he must treat his mother like this as well. I feel so sorry for her. She moved to the city we live in, just to be near him, and barely ever sees him. Like, maybe 1-2 times a year, if that! Now that he is MIA, I wonder if he is depressed and living in a dark dingy little room balling his eyes out, or if he is living it up –on a high– partying. Who knows?? I wish I had a secret camera attached to head, haha.
Usound just like me, very forgiving as well. Why do we fall for the act? I’m like u, I also feel as though they must mean all the beautiful things they say to us, bc otherwise… why even bother saying them?? I mean u can tell a girl all kinds of things to get her into bed, but u don’t have to make plans to get married and have kids, share ur inner feelings, and say that you have never loved anyone that much in ur life!! Thats a bit over the top and dramatic, a bit too much effort if u ask me.
All of that being said… I am glad I saw him, altho it is not healthy. And thank u for understanding, and being happy for me. everyone else seems to not even want to hear his name, some ppl even seem to have distanced themselves from me (maybe lost respect for me) bc I gave him another chance and again was left behind to pick up the pieces. Everyone keeps warning me, and telling me to stay away from him. Thanks for understanding cleveland, it means a lot. You mentioned that he left, “but he had to”. I thought about that… and u r right. I wish other ppl would understand this as well. Leaving, must be out of their control?? Altho u can never kno wat they are doing REALLY wen they disappear. Luckily ur guy is a little more stable and sends you texts and calls wen he is MIA.
Sometyms I wonder… r they just great actors and love to go around hurting women and being powerful, or are they truly in love and just mentally ill and unable to deal with these feelings?? I constantly waver btwn these two reasons. One minute I think he must be the most evil man on the planet and just takes pleasure in hurting and using women, and the next minute I think he really loves me but just cannot help himself from being the way he is, and I actually feel sorry for him when I think that he must go through severe depressions, if he does?? I only see him wen he is happy. I’ve noticed that he returns on a high always, so in love with me its crazy, so happy to see me, then gets angry or very quiet, then disappears without a word or reply for weeks, then returns again, and the cycle repeats… I am starting to see the pattern, but happens quicker now… especially since he is not on meds or even diagnosed. I am glad that he may be starting to realise that something is not right, and he may be bipolar. After he read the info I emailed him, i think he must have recognised himself. I think I will send him more info, I’m sure he will read it. He recognised that he gets angry, and has been monitoring it. He has not been angry this time around which was a huge thing!! Next he has to recognise that he disappears… I’ll cut and paste that info next email! haha. He won’t listen… but I know for a fact now that he reads all my long emails and texts, and he always remembers random details that I would think he would not remember. I think u r right, I think a spark went off, or the interest would just have not been there. So… how are things with u, and your guy, Duane? Are you seeing him at the moment? How is his behaviour? Also, over time have you been able to recognize a cyclical pattern in his behaviour/moods? I hope all is well for you, and you are both happily and peacefully together at he mo. Look fwd to hearing from u.
I so glad I found this post and comments. I’ve felt so alone and now I’m sitting in the guest room planning my escape. Not really an escape. My bipolar boyfriend knows there’s a chance come morning my dogs and I will be long gone. Yet, if we’re not, it won’t matter.
You see if I stay, he’ll come home happy to see me but then minutes later I’ll say the wrong thing or react the wrong way to his behavior and its off to the dog house I go. Mean words, pepper shakers, garbage cans tossed through the air. And me sitting by straight faced as not to give away my true feelings of total fear.
8 months ago I had no clue the cute smiling guy could ever speak to me the vile things my ears have painfully swallowed.
At first I thought it was my sensitive nature but then I realized it was him. I didn’t have to do much at all. He would supply his own fuel for his out bursts.
I learned he’s not the only one in his family to suffer but he is the only one who won’t go on meds. Meanwhile, I walk on eggshells praying “if I just do this or that” maybe he’ll even out.
I even tried not REACTING to him because I know its just an illness. But like so many who replied to this post – I’m only human. Hell I’m only like him 1 week out of the month when I am pmsing and even then I’m no where near as bad.
So, why am I in the guest room? I think I finally can’t take it anymore. All the patience in the world hasn’t done me one bit of good. I love him dearly but tonight I’m in the guest room waiting for morning so I can finally load my bags to leave like I’ve planned to do so many times before.
The saddest part is he has officially talked himself into believing that I’m the reason I’m always getting upset with him. He doesn’t even remember half the things he says or does to me when he’s in his ‘moods’.
Sorry to ramble but I’m at a major decision point and I’m stuck on to leave or stay. His bipolar is the adolescent type. So, he swings all day long…all day long.
Hello Tattered,
Reading your post… I am just as torn as you -both about your situation and my own!! I try to put myself in your shoes and think what would I do, what do I do??
With a logical mind we both know you should leave. When u think with your heart you want to stay and have hope.
From the outside perspective my answer to you is… you are so strong to see thru all of this and to have gotten to this point, and to have put up with all the abuse up until now.
I think you should leave, and if he comes crying back then you give him the ultimatum while he is on his “high” and in love wit you: “either you get on the meds and see a pdoc, or we cannot be together.” If he does not think he needs one, then you tell him, “well maybe you don’t, but why don’t we both go get tested and just see what they think. It’s the only way to make us work, as one of us is the problem, maybe you, maybe me??” I think putting it out there -the bipolar/meds thing, but not pushing it is the best way to approach it and get them into believing it could be something they need to deal with. With my guy I mentioned it in emails, but never brought it up, then he brought it up out of the blue. Trust me… this is the last guy to admit to smethin like this, he is toooo proud, and often has an inflated ego, or wat I see as a mask of insecurity and fear.
I think u should leave, because if YOU leave… u will not feel as bad as if HE left, and you will always have that. Leave on a high, go out with a bang… at least 4 ur self esteem. I did this, and it made it so much easier to move on, rather than the time he disapeared without a word and did not answer my calls and I was left feeling like a fool and totally devastated. It seems in my experience (altho not long – only since feb) and since readin posts… they always return, so if u think u have made the wrong decision later on, u know he might return.
All of that being said… once I put myself in your shoes… I tell you all of this, but it is EASIER said than done when u truly love someone and believe that you are meant for each other.
If you do not leave and give him a fright… nothing will change. Missing someone u love is so painful, but taking the plunge might be the best decision u ever make. There is always someone else out there that is just as good or better for you… however I do hate it wen ppl tell me this bc altho I kno it is tru at this moment I don’t want to believe it.
Just remember, nothing will change until he is on meds… same for my guy. When he returns I will only be with him if he goes on meds… or at least I hope I go thru with this and am not weak around him, and manipulated by his charm and the love he has for me in the good mood stage. Please let me kno wat u do and tell me the outcome. It may be painful and a long process to get to the place you want to be at… but it could be worth it. Who knows, u might actually get over him in that time or find someone else… that’s what happened to me, I got used to not having him around… and just as I did he returned… and that’s wen u put the ultimatum down. My guy has left me three times now, next time is the big ultimatum… but must be done when they are on their “high” -not just agreeing to doing it, but actually going to the apointment and buying the meds. Actions speak louder than words, and my experiece with my bipolar guy is that he talks a lot of shit and never backs it up with action. Times are a changing… i hope. Best of luck, and pls feel free to write as often as u like
Iam a new mom. New life with my guy of almost 6 years. we have completly changed. I now i flip out on him when it comes to money, or him not paying attention to me, or ;eaving me out… im scared to trust him. im scared to be ME. Im pushing him away and tearing our family apart. but i dont knwo what to do. i dont know how to LET GO of the past and move forward with out looking back. i love him so much and the person i have become… i know is pushing him away and he is distant wont open up…. he says i need to give it my all…. but when i try or even give a little more than i usually do my wall goes up and i back off. I check his phone… his calls. I text him all day just so i know he isnt doing something wrong. thats not normal. My moods switch so quickly…. am i bipolar? do i have generalized anxiety disorder? i panic at times… am i not secure with him or is it myself? Since our daughter i havent been happy. With myself… My daughter is my world and makes me happy. but with out her i feel disgusted with myself…. is this normal after pregnancy? Its hard I can talk to complete strangers but not ppl in my life. I dont want them to look at me different. or think of me as a crazy. Sometimes when we fight i push him to say he doesnt wana be with me… cuz thats how i feel….. i just wana be right. i push and push. i know how to upset him… please help me. i love him i wana be with him… i dont know whats wrong.
Hello Scared, reading your post makes me think that this is probably how my bf thinks and feels most of the time. He always falls so so deeply in love with me, then pushes me away and says hurtful things almost instantly. He cannot get close. I feel he wants to but has no control over it. He even needs to know “for sure” that I love him b4 he disappears and cuts me out… when I say these things he almost seems to be slightly relieved… yet he is the one that pushes me away, cuts me out, disappears for weeks on end!! I am in no way a doctor or specialist on any of this, but I have reason hundreds of posts to help me understand all of this and get me thru the depression and hard times when he leaves each time or gets angry for absolutely no reason.
Please don’t feel as though you are “crazy” -you have a lot to deal with having a new baby. You might be suffering from post partnum depression- this is what it sounds like to me. Did u feel like this and act this way before the baby? before the pregnancy? If not, I am almost certain you would have post natal depression. The signs of depression (behaviour) can be very similar to bipolar. If you have post natal depression you should go and see your GP to get some treatment. You will probably only need treatment for a couple of months while ur hormones rebalance… you have been thru a LOT, you just had a baby!! I know it must be hard, but please try not to give yourself such a hard time. People always go thru hard times when a baby is newly born as there is not much sleep to be had. If you do have bipolar or post natal u must go see a doctor, as treatment is the only way you will feel better and have better control of your moods. A lot of the things u r describing sound very similar to the way my BP bf treats me and behaves, but like I said ur hormones might still be getting over the pregnancy. I wish you lots of strength to get thru this time in your life. Pls go and see someone if you can… u do not need to even tell anyone about it. If you choose to tell ppl though, pls don’t feel as though thye will think you are “crazy”. Bipolar ppl can be a pain in the butt with their mood swings lol, (ie- my bf) but they are by no means “crazy”. Please feel free to write as often as u like.
ok… i will try my best 2 b brief. He waltzed back into my life. I thought I would never see him again. He never called, replied to my emails etc… Then he turned up at my house unannounced!! I had not seen him in 3-4 weeks… he always disappears for 3-6 weeks. He acted like nothing. He again told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids with him. I am moving to LA soon, and he said he wanted me to be with him when I am there. Everything was perfect that night. We went out with my friends, had the best time. In the morning he continued telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day. He also insisted on taking me out to lunch. He borrowed over 100 bucks the night before… only paid me back $20 in the morning. He had sworn it would be different this time and he would pay me back all the money he borrowed last time as well. He didn’t. I did not hear from him for 3-4 weeks last time. This time he is overseas for a while, maybe for good… who knows if i will eva see him again. I cut and paste all these posts by bipolar ppl for him to read… i kno he reads everything i send even tho he does not write back. He will for sure have to see himself in these posts. Anyways… I was ok having no contact. I had called his phone and his roommate had picked up and told me that my guy had been sick all week in bed, sleeping all day and night. This means that after we left each other the last time… he went into a depression. Then his roommate said that he had left his phone at the house, and gone missing for 2-3 days. His phone was going off. There was no sign of him?? His roommate was a little worried. So… this made me believe that he truly was not in contact with me, bc he could not be in the state he was in. But then I was about to leave my friend a msg on fcebk and found that he had left a msg saying he was leaving to LA that day!! Surely enough, his phone is not switched off!! I am OFFICIALLY ANGRY!!!!! SO hurt and angry!!! I was patient and understood if he could not speak or talk to anyone… BUT he took the time to leave my friend a msg and after my 5 very supportive and nice emails…. not ONE word!!!! WHY??? Why so I have to be treated so badly. It’s almost worse than being yelled at… its just complete indifference!! Maybe he really just does not give a shit about me?? Why does he keep coming back?? Why does he tell me he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids with me one day??? And he doesn’t just say it wen he is drunk or trying to get me into bed… he says it when he is sober, and once we have already slept together. I AM SO HURT. I FEEL SO USED. I feel like a fool. I keep believing him everytime he walzes into my life, and each time he does the same thing to me!! He is so convincing tho… i just dont understand why someone would want to purposely go out of their way to hurt someone that has always been good to them?? After the restaurant, I caught the bus to work… this was the last time I saw him… he told me he was leaving to LA the next day, was just waiting for his visa -but he had his passport on him?? Don’t kno if he lied about that?? He said he had a 2nd passport?? … he ended up being in town another week… didn’t even call or email me!! And wen I left him all was perfect!! He were hugging and kissing… and it was beautiful… then nothing!! The only thing I can notice is that he went very quiet. He either gets angry or goes really quiet before disappearing. DOes he mean the things he says about wanting to be with me or not?? DO I move on?? I don;t know if I will ever forget him…
HELLO DENISE-
its been a bit but i have been going through some other things other than the boyfriend. how are things with your d? mine is still in a rutt. i will say though that i talked to his mom tonight and she helped me alot. i guess come to find out his father and him are exactly alike. she talked to me about how she deals with her husband and how hard it was for a while. that over time she had to teach herself that when he gets that way it has nothing to do with her its just how he is. it really helped me out to talk to her. write me back and let me know how things are with yours since i last takled to you.
HELLO TATTERED-
trust me its a very helpful site. there are people all over the world that are going through what you are. you now have a place to come to when no one understands. my boyfriend is BP as well. i will say he has never thrown stuff but he can be hurtful in emotional ways. just be careful. im not saying that i think he would hurt you on purpose but accidents do happen and its hard explaining to family and friends that it was an accident. i really wish you good luck. if you are feeling down and clueless hop on this site cause there is always someone who is willing to listen or give advice-including me
Hello everyone,
I came across this website a couple of months ago and was so happy to find it.. I have been married 20 years and life has had its ups and down. I would say now in hindsight the last five years have been very challenging. the classic line of “walking on eggshells” really applied to me. I have always been a people pleaser and even in my marriage anything to please and anything to keep the peace…. well my husband got diagnosed with bigpolar early this year. This really didn’t come as a total surprise but when the docter tells you that is what it is… it is like “thank you , I have always known something wasn’t right” I am posting this now to see if it registered and then Iwill continue.
it worked… I am back… I guess this website in hindsight has been a great life saver to me.. I realized it has never been about me, it has never been about me not doing enough, not understanding, not following the rules. I was pleased to know something wasn’t right. I was tired of going over “what am I not doing right” funnily enough my friends have been telling me for awhile that I haven’t been doing anything wrong, my husband would get his “bee in a bonnett’ over certain things and continue on and on about them.. My world crashed in early march with his diagnos. we have been on a rollar coaster.. the worst part of it the medication… he would be in tears for hours and than would get agro and verbally abusive towards me over the same certain issues that he was stuck on…. this went on for a few weeks.. he was on medication and it just wasn’t kicking in or working… in the end he has two stays in hospital.. after his first stay things were alot worse when he came home… he couldn’t cope being back into the real world and those closest to him (his immediate family) copped all the short falls…. this was really a hard time.. for the first time in my life, I began getting the shakes and my nerves were frayed always wondering what was around the corner, when it would start up again, I hated being at home and subjected to this and at the same time hated to be away in case self harm happened… I truly believe that it is “trying time” when they are working out their meds and hosp is the best place to be at when this is happening.. I finally got him back into hosp.. he didn’t want to go… and my husband came home last friday after another four weeks… I was more than surprised on his return a calm, rational, alert, reactive person came home to me… before he had lost interest in his exercise, getting up and showered, no correspondence at all, total withdrawal from life and from the famly unit. I suppose the message I am trying to get out there is “get the meds right” and you can get onto a normal life again. I know it is early days yet but I have rekindled the hope of getting on track again.. as far as I am concerned I have learned that you do need to look after your self (eat well, sleep well, socialize) to keep going.. I hope this brings some hope to any readers… if you have any questions let me know I will be happy to anwer them the best way I can… but I guess i am saying hang in there… it that is where you want to be..
Hello Survivor, and thanks so much 4 sharing! I think it gives a lot of ppl hope hearing that it can work. My guy still has to learn/accept that he has bipolar, be officially diagnosed as well, before I can even think about meds. He is slowly opening up to it I think. Just a question… did ur husband used to go missing for long periods of time at any point?? Things are always perfect with us, he talks of marriage, kids and that I am the best thing in the world etc etc… then he disappears for weeks on end and does not reply to any texts or emails… Then he returns as if nothing, and then it happens all over again!! Each time is so hard and each time I wonder if it is the last time! It’s so draining, but I love him so much. I am lost with how to handle this next time he returns… if he does?? Cheers, and thanks again for sharing. I hope to be a “Survivor” as well someday
Hi Denise,
SOrry for the late response, I live in the land of oz so we will have that time difference. I did go to bed last night thinking about your bf going away like he does… I was going to reply that didn’t happen here but I thought abit more about it this morning. P did have a few weekends away last year… no real reason enjoys watching handgliding as well he went away for two weeks to another city. when I think about it now, they were little escapes away for him. For a while he has wanted to move town and at certain stages go away in a caravan around oz or drive trucks. It now makes sense to me that he was looking for an “escape” away, get out away from what he probably saw was getting him down. I kept reminding him you take yourself with you and going anywhere else won’t change that. I do believe to a certain degree that when your bf leaves he must be heading into some “stage” of the illness, they don’t want to be around the ones they love the most. just reread above and yes I have sent txt, letters, emails, and yes often I would get no responses either . I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list.. three years ago I told my husb “things are not right you need help” he bottomed out for two weeks in despression and I was even concerned about his safety… in hindsight now he can say that he was depressed but to reach this stage has taken three years to seek help.. P got diagnosed in Nov last year but did not inform me until march when he decided he couldn’t do it on his own and tried the medication. and the first time round on meds he pulled himself of it… along with this illness can be different disorders like anxiety, compulsive obsessive.. have a quick read on these and see if they tie into anything… P’s mind would be racing around all day and night.. trouble sleeping, trouble relaxing, etc…. the end result became a mood stabilizer, an anti depressant, and an anti – pychotic (to slow down the mind process)… I came across a good book “living with the black dog how to cope when your partner is depresses” by Caroline Carr only 130 pages and a brilliant read… I found it time to proctect myself in a “bubble” get on living and not continue with the total drainage ( and they will take it out of you). Not sure how you go with groups of friends but they really can “hold their there shit together” around other people and change as soon as they have left .. having a quick cuppa.. be back soon.
back again…self preservantion will help you through this… but I would be setting some boundaries though.. I guess being married with kids has kept me here… would I have stayed that long without kids??? not sure and can’t answer that one.. hope this helps abit..
Thanks so much for taking the time to write Survivor. I am also in Oz
My guy is over in the US a lot, back and forth. When he goes away, he completely forgets about me, but wen he comes back he completely acts like nothing happened. I have known him since high school, now we are both working in the same industry. As I had mentioned, weneva he returns he is full force in love with me, talking marriage and kids, and acts like nothing is weird that he dropped off the face of the earth. I usually don’t mention it bc I am just happy he is back and don’t wana push him away.
Last time he went missing he told me he was leaving to the US the next day or 2 later, he was just waiting on his visa. I called him and it rang out, so I knew he still had to be in the country. I text many times -very nice, friendly and supportive texts, and telling him to look into the bipolar thing, and telling him I understood if he needed his space and that I understood that he may be depressed, and to take his time and jut contact me wen he was ready…. but then I got pissed off wen I noticed about 2 weeks later he had not written back to all my nice emails, yet wrote a fcebk msg to a mutual friend of ours saying he was laving to LA. We have both been know to leave msgs on this friends wall… almost just for the other to read, haha… so was in part maybe to let me know??
The last time we saw each other he had brought it up out of the blue at lunch, “what is that illness you think I have?” I had sent him some links. I told him very briefly and casually about bipolar and he considered it and said “yeah, maybe I do?”. Then I changed the subject because I didn’t want to push it. I was happy with just the initial consideration… especially coming from a typically Aussie guy, haha. I actually think he read all the stuff I sent… it was all stuff about anger bc he was constantly getting abusive and blaming me for things I did not do. Getting angry, REALLY angry, for nothing! So, the last time I saw him he gave me a bit of a speech about how he is no talking to his mother again and does not get angry at her. And how he realises that women need to vent and it is nothing against him. He told me that now instead of getting angry, he thinks about his behaviour, and just sits and zones out while th person talks. Last time was the first time he did not get angry at me once!
I’ve started really realising a pattern… he always returns around the same time each month (does not stay long) and then disappears around the same time also. Before he disappears he always either gets REALLY angry and yells the shit out of me or goes incredibly quiet and introverted.
Anyways, one night recently I was drinking with my flatmate for her goodbye party and she called his phone for fun, as u do when u are drinking, haha… this was 2-3 weeks ago… and his flatmate of all ppl picked up!!! She put on a fake accent (which was quite a crackup! haha) and it turns out that after the last time I saw him he must’ve gone home (he is living on his flatmates couch bc he is moving to the US soon) and he was apparently sick in bed for an entire week sleeping ALL day and night. His flatmate was actually quite worried because he had not seen him for 3 days… he just went missing and left his phone and everything at the house?? Now for him to not have his phone, is HUGE! He cannot live without it! He probably left it behind bc he could not handle my texts?? Now, he was NOT sick when I saw him last (not even a bit!) and as soon as he left me and went home he was!!?? That just proved to me that he was depressed in bed for a week after all the mania of being SO IN LOVE with me, and then had to pretend to his flatmate that he was sick. Then wen he could not handle it anymore, or keep up the lie about being sick, he must have left to someone elses place probably?? or maybe even got a hotel?? He is in US now, his phone is switched off.
Anyways… just thought I would share since I have a bit of time 2day
I might check out that book it sounds helpful. The thing is that, my guy nver shows anything but his mania/happy side to me, then goes missing just before or as the depression hits.
I think u r right about wen he disappears he goes into some stage of the illness…. the depression from wat I am guessing and does not want to be around me, can’t stand me at that point, but also can’t stand me seeing him like that I guess. I think you said it perfectly about the emails etc…
“I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list…” Sometimes I feel like this myself when I have gotten into a deep depression wen he has left without a word, when everything was great and I had no explanation. I was so drained and tired and could not be bothered dealing with anyone who called me or came by, was too much effort to I blocked out the world for a couple of weeks. I felt as though everything was useless and too much effort, I even lost pleasure in my hobbies and work, everything, almost thought dying was a better option… this is so unlike me!! I was so depressed about him leaving… its hard to imagine that this was only the 2nd major depression I have had in my life, and that ppl with bipolar have to go through that all the time!! Must be very difficult for you with your husband, but I think u have the right mentalty… its so true, u have to look after yourself, bc if u do not, no one else will…. especially not the person with bipolar. Thanks for reading, sorry its so long. Have a nice day.
ps- sorry about all the typos, lol
Hey all. Sorry for the long absence. Wasn’t sure what I’d do. I did not leave. I am still with him. And he is still very much bipolar. Ironic thing is he thinks one of his friends is bipolar. He explained the highs and lows to me. And I was like “You just described yourself” He got mad. Told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I let it go but inside its eating me up. He’s making me physically ill.
I tried the “No, meds, no me” solution but by then he’d already took back saying anything was wrong with him at all. Even though I had him admit it to me during one of his talking rampages.
Before I forget, I wanted to thank you all for the welcome. I feel like I’m trapped in a small room with a madman. Its nice to let out some of my fears on here.
Denise: I don’t know how you do it. I know in my heart if mine left I would move on. Or in this case if I left I would not look back. I have to travel for work. It is so peaceful. I get around my bf and my whole body functions off key. My only breaks from him is when he is at work. I dread the weekends. Its like you always have to be one step ahead of how he’s going to react so you don’t get him going. It sucks when he’s happy and and sucks when he’s not. Rarily do I get to catch him in the middle.
I would find me a nice guy if I were you. And when he comes back…well be unavailable. Why should he get help if he still has comforts waiting for him in old familiar places? And for all the things you’ve done for him, he shows little respect for you. It made my heart sink to read that he couldn’t answer not one of your emails yet left a message on facebook for some else???? Seems like he only has time for you when his mood can handle it. Try to date again….anything to keep your mind off hoping he’ll return to stay. His pattern is set in stone until he breaks. You’ve done enough.
As for me, I continue to pray for the right thing to do. It will take a act of God for my bf to get better. And an ever greater one to keep me with him in the end.
I am going away for work (insert HUGE smile here) in a week. I’ll be gone for about 2 months. He will be able to come visit me but doubt he will. I will use this time to meditate and give my body/mind time to heal from the constant tension of being around him.
He’s not a monster. A monster just borrows his body from time to time and he’s too weak to say no. Funny thing is, tonight he said he thinks I’m the one who is bipolar…and he’s right. I have to work hard to keep my emotions in check. Have to let my temper inwardly simmer down less I scream at the top of my lungs “You are frickin out of your mind. Take a pill any pill. Just give me a break already”.
How long does it take for some one to recognize they are bipolar? Why can’t it be the same as smelling your own bad breathe and popping a mint. I mean what’s the fear that if you admit you are bipolar that people are going to think you’re crazy???????? All I know is the people who love you the most are the very ones who suffer the most. Coworkers, every day people you pass by get your good side. Yet, when you come home to us, the monster gets to come out and play.
Okay, I’m just rambling now. I’m tired and really don’t want to go to bed. Don’t want to be near him. Its like he wins. I know he’s sick. I know he’ll explode again. And I’ll sit there while he tries to make it seem like I’m the one with the problem. Its like watching some tell you that you broke some thing even though you just saw them break it with your own two eyes…..
denise you were right-it has been back and forth since we have gotten back together-evry other day he is telling me we would be happier apart but he wasnt breaking up with me-today is our one year anniversary and i got a text from him that said me would be happier apart so i asked him if we were breaking up? and he replied with the same text” i think we would be happier apart” so i text him back and said that i was gonna take that as a yes and he didnt responf except with a do you have anything else to say? so i let him have it and told him how good of a person i am and that i hate waking up everyday wondering if he was still gonna be in my life or not-some of the things i said sounded mean but they were just straight forward-then he snds me a text back thanking me for being a bitch and that he wsnt breaking up with me he just wanted to talk about our problems like i have asked him to in the past and tells me that now after seeing the way i acted it is over. what the fuck? pardon my language but i am so confused?! what else was i suppposed to think? he didnt tell me other wise? and now because i lost my cool once (we have never had a fight) he wants to end it? doesnt he even think about my feelings and how much it hurt to hear him say that and not dipute it-especially on our anniversary. i have always been understanding and caring even when some of the things he has said were very hurtful-im so upset right now-very pissed off-it just seems like he needed an excuse to end it and now he has one-he hurt me i struck back instead of taking like always and he didnt like it so he dumped my ass-i asked him if this is really what he wanted/ if we were really over again he didnt respond-i can’t haddle the mind games-please give me your advice-anyones cause i am lost….
Thanks for your support Tattered. Yes, it is hard wen I see him leave messages for everyone else, yet not me. Especially after all my loving and supportive emails. Yes it is tru some of them were regarding “bipolar” and how he should seek help. But always as a suggestions or “maybe” and always with respect. Last tym I saw him we were perfect, holding each other tenderly and kissing, in the sun, happy… then I got on a bus and have not heard from him ever again…. only thru messages he leaves my friends on facebook. I am so deeply hurt. Why would he always have to come back and intentionally hurt me, thats wat it feels like right now. He tells me I am the one and he wants to marry me and have kids with me…. then nothing!! Not a word?? Could he be a sociopath and not bipolar?? I am confused. Why would someone want to purposely hurt someone that gives them nothing but love and understanding? It is a sick game. I want to move on, I am trying my hardest and keeping busy with friends and my career, but I think about him all day everyday. I have not seen him for almost 2 months now. He is overseas. Wenever he goes overseas he never contacts me, its like he forgets about me, I do not exist. It hurts that I think about him all day everyday, I don’t know how to stop, and stop feeling so used and hurt. I think about him all the time, and he is probably with someone else telling them the same things and has not thought about me once. Sorry about the self pity guys…. i just need to vent this pain. Thanks for reading.
cleveland – wat good timing. I have not been on the page for ages, and you just left a message …. so I am glad to be here for you
I really feel for you right now. I think we both need to realise that this is going to happen again and again and again. As I have said before I am pretty sure your D loves you, mine…. well that is not so sure?? Your guy always seems to come back, and always seems to reply to messages. Mine has been MIA since last tym we left each others side, after a beautiful perfect day together???? ahhhhh. Unlike mine, Duane always replies to your messages, mine wont even give me ONE word!!!! Okay, maybe this time he didn’t…. he might be having a really bad down tho and needs his space. Let it go for a week (i know how hard it is) and then contact again with a simple message about how you are sorry and you misunderstood. That you love him and want to be with him. Give him some time, and yourself…. and then if you still want to be with him (which I am sure u will) spell it out for him Y-E-S I want to be with you and yes I love you. We need to speak to our guys like kids sometimes I think. Just plain and simple english that cannot be misconstrued. I am sure D will be back…. i know how painful it is tho. Every tym they leave… we think that is it!! At least your guy does not leave for as long as mine…. I kno that is not much of a consolation however. I read somewhere that sometimes they purposely find ways to test our love and push us away to see if we really love them and will still be there no matter what. Sometimes they want to break up with us just in case we were going to break up with them!! –even wen there is no signs of a breakup in sight!! Hence- they purposely start fights, blame us for things that clearly don’t exist etc etc…. my D has done this over and over again. I am glad you still voiced your opinions howver… u needed to do that for YOU if anything….VENTING is healthy… even if he didn’t like it. It does sound like he was trying to make you be the one to fuck up (excuse language) so he could have a reason out…. but this is just bc he is in a downward spiral at mo. Its so obvious wat he was trying to do… how frustrating!!! I am not one for advice as I am just as lost…. but I think wait a week or two, and you will see that he will return. I guess we just have to get used to the fact that they set the rules, they come and go as they please if not on meds. I’m pretty sure he will return tho… he always does. Keep busy, focus on u and your goals and dreams in the meantime. I know it is hard, always here if u need to vent… x
ps- still no word from D, he writes to our mutual friends, and has not even had the decency to write to me. I know I need to move on, but no matter wat I do I just cant! I think about him 24/7 and I feel so hurt and used. I wish i knew if he meant anything of wat he says, or if he just use me?? it makes me cry, just the thought of how stupid I have been to fall for his words….
hey cleveland, hows it all going? hope things are working out for the 2 of you
I have still not heard one word from my guy. While he is away it is outta sight, outta mind as far as i am concerned. I think this time that’s really it! I don’t think I am goin to hear from him again… it makes me really sad. He is off in LA partying with friends, and even talked to a good mutual friend of ours over msn… yet has not replied to any of my msgs. Maybe he was just using me for sex and to steal my rent money?? Who knows?? I just wish I would stop thinking about him. I wish I had never met him. The good times were not worth the pain. I feel so used. How can someone be so cruel as to lie about such things as marriage and kids and moving in together… just fo sex?? Wat an awful thing to do. Anyways, I guess its over now, I just have to face it and live with the pain. I am always such a trusting person, I think this has changed me. I don’t believe in love anymore. People seem to only mean it wen they are in the moment… then use the excuse that things change or ppl grow apart… well… that’s just not good enough. I guess we are all meant to be alone. I really do wish that there was a thing such as eternal love, but I have yet to see it, especially in our generation. No one ever stays together long nowadays and ppl always lie and cheat. What a world we live in! Sorry to blab on… just having a hard day. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I was lied to and he never meant a word of what he said. What a fool to believe in love! Thank god for friends and family, careers and hobbies. Hope alls well, chat soon 
hi im a husband and my gf s got Bipolar .
v hav been together for now almost 7months and v wer plannin to get married but suddenly, she has to change her job due to relocation and she finding it really hard to find a new job, and on top of that i got sum unexpected finanacial crisis …. she got really stresed
and asked me she needs more time to think bout marriage again,
and now she is askin me to hav temperory casual relationship coz she is gettin too stressed out of this relationship.
before i used to c her everyday now she juz wanna c me once a week, and she says i giv her too stress so she rather hangs out with her mates
she is been on the medication on and off, coz its hard to force BP patient to take his/her medication
i think i m loosing her i love her so much she is my life
i dont knw wot to do and how to deal with her
h smith x
Just back off and she will come to you.
I did everything right with my guy… took all the advice I read… I backed off the second time and I even sent an apology (even tho it was not my fault) by email… and he ended up returning… for 2 days. This time he has disappeared for a little over 2 months. I wrote to him about how he needed to get some help, that he “could” have bipolar. I told him I would back off, but I would always be there for him when he was ready. I had him understand that I understand how he feels when he needs his space and when he is high and low, etc etc…. I gave him his space, and he did not return. I have tried everything!! He now went overseas. Outta sight, outta mind I am to him. He is the love of my life and I never think I will ever see him again. We have mutual friends from high school and the industry we both work in, so I might hear gossip every now and then. But I am coming to terms with the fact that he has gone for good and does not care about me. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate, we talked about marriage and kids very seriously – him being the one who brought it up all the time… everything was perfect when he disappeared, we did not have a fight or anything. I still cannot completely come to terms with the facts. How can someone love so strong and passionately, think the world of you, make plans to be with you long term…. and then just suddenly for no reason stop caring about you altogether?? If I died tomorrow I doubt he would even bother coming to my funeral.. and we have known each other since we were 14!! How can love just turn into nothingness?? I just makes me so sad. I miss him so much and can do nothing about it. Last time I wrote I was angry and told him it was so mean of him to ignore all my emails, calls and texts… yet still email and call our mutual friend who is a girl (one of my best friends) he once had something with many years ago in high school. He knows I will hear about it and takes great joy in hurting me!! I ended that email with… “that’s it!” -So, being as proud as he is I will never hear from him again. I think he enjoys hurting ppl and does it often. I see girls that he adds to his facebook page, and a couple of weeks later they are deleted… the way I was. Why was I another victim. I really thought I would be different than the others to him… after all we have known each other since high school and have all these amazing connections in our past. He made such a bog deal out of it all… it was obviously all a big act. I feel so foolish. I never put my heart on the line, and the first time I did I get zapped. I think he is also a compulsive liar. Do a lot of bipolar people compulsively lie? MY friend knows someone who is bipolar and a compulsive liar, like my guy, he lies about the most obvious things that he is OBVIOUSLY going to get caught for!!!?? I think it must be out of their control?? I also think my guy is a sociopath?? He seems to reel women in (like myself) fill them with promises of a future together and eternal love, and then leaves them for no apparent reason and never talks to them again. How many other hearts has he shattered before and after mine I wonder?? Even though he is not good for me… I still can’t help it that I miss him and love him. I wonder if I should write to him and ask him how he is?? …well I know I shouldn’t… I need to be strong.
-I often wonder and ask myself, why do we put ourselves through it? The pain is enormous and the benefits, if any, are short lived. Again, why do we put up with it. For the posters who’s BP spouses disappears for days, weeks and months, have you guys ever considered maybe your spouse is seeing someone else. I was with my BP spouse on and off for 3 years. When we first met, she was upfront about her diagnosis, and informed me that she suffered from major depression. 2 years down the line, she confessed that the doctors were saying she’s Bipolar, although i suspect she may have been diagnosed with this many years before her and i met but choose to tell me 2 years into the relationship. The relationship was a rocky ride, even though she would see her therapist 3-4x per week, sometimes more. The treatment regiment included medication on a trial basis for at most, 2 months. But it was discontinued due to side effects. Although my now ex BP spouse was in therapy practically her whole life, she suddenly stopped going about 4 months ago stating she did not need it anymore. In the past 4 months, i have forked over thousands of dollars to help her stay afloat with the bills, and make other, unnecessary purchases (including a $600 cell phone, she had just purchased a new one a few months earlier). In hindsight, she probably started to spend reckless, as, she for the most part, always had money to pay the bills. Yesterday, I found out, by the luck of god i guess, that she’s been sleeping with my bestfriend. Of the 8x she called after the bestfriend confided in me and the 5 messages she left (i never picked up my phone), no apology was offered up. In fact, the first few voice messages made it seem as though, I was not being an adult for avoiding her calls and I was misinformed by the friend. Again my question, what are the benefits? What is the point? Why put up with it? I put up with all this for 3 years. The last few months, i have been in therapy and on medication because of the anxiety/depression I feel due to dealing with her mood swings. Prior to this woman, i was by all accounts a very happy and satisfied person. After yesterday, I said, no more. I am done, it’s time for me to be selfish. It will not be easy, let me point that out but i have to salvage whatever self respect i have left. Oh and I should put in a side note, I think she’s planning on packing up with her kid to move to Chicago with my former friend. And I think they’ve talked about marriage. What have I done to deserve this? I gave 3 years of my life. This year was by far the worst. First year was great, second year, things started to falter and this year, after trying to leave her on two separate occasions, she threatened suicide. Enough is Enough!
I am so glad i saw this website…wow “confused” we seem to be having the same luck with our partners. I have been dealing with mine for five years and have finally filed for divorce. With mine i’ve dealt with him stealing from me, lying, not working, sex websites, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, ect… i could go on forever. I recently had to realize i wil loose my sanity if i remain with this guy. It so sad because I really loved this guy but come to find out he is not who i met at first….It’s nice to read through so many of these stories because until now i thought i was going crazy. It helps to know i am not alone….
Thanks for your comment Elizabeth. Your description fits my guy/ex guy perfectly. Stealing, lying, not working, gambling, drinking, drugs, cheating, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, disappearing, never supportive, never there when I need a shoulder, and the list goes on. Altho we have known each other since high school, we only went out for about… well who knows… 2 weeks initially, before the first disappearing act. Then a couple of months, more off than on however. I was EXTREMELY heartbroken, I still am. He literally just used me for sex and I am just coming to terms with it!! MARRY ME he says… have kids with me he says… then he disappears, ignores all contact, yet slaps me in the face by writing to our mutual friend so I can see. I think he finds pleasure in knowing I hurt. I have been sooo heartbroken words cannot describe it. Then this week I have been thinking exactly what you thought…. “I love him so much, but he is not the person I met”. I would never have fallen in love with the person he is now that’s for sure! We always hold on to those good times, but the truth is… after a while there are more bad times than good times to remember, more pain than pleasure. And although his and my story is very romantic and fairytale-like… it is just a story. I need to keep telling myself these things. What you said really struck a chord and made me realize that I MUST stay away, not wait around, not pursue. Even if he is better one day… there will always be moments when he is not ok, and is abusive. One person said it perfectly…. “run for the hills”. I must not be stubborn with myself, I should take advice form ppl who have been there, married etc. It is very hard falling out of love, it is like getting off a drug… but with time I know that the feeling and feenin for him will disappear. Its just hard until then. Thanks again… ur words were so well put.
Hey Denise
Listen, I understand all of what you are saying about how hard it is to fall out of love. Especially, when you can remember the good times you had with that person and you know what your right…mine was also so beautiful at the beginning. I think what makes it hard for me is that the whole way through my intuition told me something was wrong when he started doing odd things and there were inconsistencies. Sad thing i became lost with how chaotic he was that i just didn’t pay attention to myself. I have had to start seeing a counselor because at times i felt like the pain in my heart from knowing i have to stay away from him would kill me. The best thing i think you can do is take care of yourself because we get left with scars we did not come in to the relationship with. All we can do is take it day by day and i’m sure with time the wounds will heal.
Wow, you have told my story. I have married the same man twice and I have pushed him away and gotten divorced.
I have been with my husband for 11 years. We were both really young when we started going together. I loved him so much, that I wanted to fix him. He was so attached to me then, and now, that he says I’m the only one he can talk to and let in. When he was 18 yrs old, he threatend to commit suicide, and told me I was the only one who saved him from it. From then on, I’ve felt resoponsible to take care of him. We had our fist daughter when I was 18. Every year has been a struggle. Usually he is more normal than not, but when he starts to feel depressed, or insecure, I can feel it almost before he can. He can’t let go of things that have happened in the past, and always blames me for it. I love him so much, that I’ve taken this abuse it seems like forever. He sometimes gets physical when I try to get something out of him. He’ll push me away physically, and emotionally. He tells me I’m to blame, and tells me to leave. When I do, he tells me he can’t be without me. I feel bad, and return. I can’t see myself without him. If I leave to do something for myself, I come home and the lights are out. He doesn’t ask me how I’ve been, or what I’ve been doing. He ignores me. Sometimes I don’t do anything for myself, because there’s no point. Just recently I knew he was going to have a episode. I could feel it days before it happened. I tried to talk to him, and tried to get him to let me in, but he wouldn’t. He told me he needed to find himself, and that he didn’t want me. He was growing away from me. I told him I didn’t want to leave, because I knew after a couple of days of fighting, and staying up all night talking about his feelings, and how because I’ve hurt him in the past, and it’s all my fault for him not being able to trust anyone, that it would be ok. Because he would get over it, I would forgive him, and we’ld move on. Instead he insisted, and told me I was a lazy b—ch, and didn’t do anything for my family. I took our girls, and left. That night he came to find me. When we got back home he told me he was going to take revenge on me. He was going to take my kids. After hours of fighting with, he told me that he was having feelings for another woman, and didn’t know how to deal with them. I was sympathetic to his “male” feelings, and told him it was normal to be attracted to someone else, but not to act on it. I let my feelings get in the way, and told him I didn’t like it. I told him he needed to delete her from his facebook. He did, and then cried and told me it was my fault, and that he was going to be embarrased. After two days of not sleeping, and finally told him I believed nothing happened with this girl. I gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him, and in an instance he felt better. Now he is happy. After about 4 days of this, he was happy in a second. I still feel like it’s all my fault. All I want to do is protect him. I’m very lucky, because he’s normal most of the time. I know he’s bipolar, but he doesn’t think he has a problem, and he’ll probably never be diagnosed. Help Me, I don’t want to lose him to this!!
Oh my God, have you guys read the stuff you are saying? All i gather from the posts are hurt and pain. Lives filled with misery. It is seeping through the pages, Again, I ask, why do we stay? I walked down this dark path for a year, as when you’re with them, you do walk the path and it’s been hell. We have been separated for 3 weeks, only 3 weeks. We have spoken 2x in a month period and ya know what, while I’m mourning the ‘loss’ of the relationship, I feel a sense of life being pumped back into me. This pain will pass, this I know but am so grateful that i got a “get out of jail free” card. She cheated and left, I had a reason to walk away and not look back. I had a reason to leave without guilt or remorse. I am no longer on antidepressants and my anxiety has subsided immensely. Why? Because I no longer have to second guess what day or hour I’m going to have. For example, will I be greeted with the “I love yous” and smiles or will today be “i hate you” and the blame and the uncertainty. I no longer deal with that. I have done an inventory of my life, reflected on this past relationship and had a million questions to ask myself. In particular, why would I allow myself to be treated in such a way? How low did i set the bar for myself, do i not deserve happiness? Dawn, you speak of him being “normal” most of the times but yet go on to mention but nonchalantly dismiss the fact that this person you “don’t want to lose” and “love” called you a “lazy b–ch”. He expressed feelings for another woman and “blamed” you for him deleting her from his myspace page. Are you kidding me??? You said you feel as though you’ve taken this “abuse” and it seems like “forever”. Your words not mine Dawn. What are you losing if you decided to give this up? “abuse” “blame” him getting “physical” and you being “ignored”. Dawn, it seems like I’m coming off heavy and maybe I am. I have to some extent walked in your shoes. My rollercoaster ride was 2 and a half years not 11 but I know about the blaming and the feeling of being ignored and the abuse. I feel as though my spirit has been broken and I’ve been robbed of my very soul. I am picking up the pieces but I’m truly asking, why do we stay?
Thank you for that. Sometimes the real truth hurts, but opens the mind. I’m glad to be able to write how I feel with so many others that feel the same way who have had the same experiences, and who deal with them in so many different ways. I’ve been with him so long that I know the cycle so well. I’ve always known there was a problem, but I never quite knew what it was exactly. I believe because I know when it’s going to be worse than normal that I can help him through it and be understanding. I won’t be able to do this for him and be supportive if he cheats on me. Only then will my feelings be truely #1, and even though it may be a part of the desease, I won’t be able to excuse it. Sad ehh. I know he hasn’t done anything like cheating on me, but it’s scarry just the same. I don’t know if he would be in his right mind not to if this other woman had felt the same for him. Tell me…if this is because of the desease, then how could it be excusable. I’m so confused between the truth of all of it, and the chemical imbalance. I’m learning to not take things personally, because I know everything will be fine by the next couple of weeks. Everything will be back to NORMAL, or his mind I might say. Because he hasn’t been diagnosed, and hasn’t actually seen a doctor I’m not sure what to think. All I know is that there is deff. a cycle within our relationship that doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s always him. He is the one always contemplating his life, and in the process, he ends up hurting the one he loves most. The only one that he has let in to his locked gated wall. If he does hurt me by cheating on me, he will most deff. regret it. It still really hurts, and is hard to not take it personally. No one would do that to someone they love if there wasn’t something wrong. In 1 week he’ll be over it, and he’ll tell me he loves me more than anything. I feel so pathetic sometimes like I’m the one with the problem not him. We all have to be strong, and not believe the lies because in fact it’s not really what they are feeling, it’s what their minds are telling them to feel. Deep down inside, beyond the mind and in the soul I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he can’t help it. I’m not sure how long my mind and body will be able to take this, but I won’t give up on him..not yet. He sure found a good one in me, because obviously I can handle a lot of bull s–t. I’m lucky to be the only person who can support him through it, but he’s even luckier to have me by his side, and I won’t abandon him, not after this long.
I appreciate your opinions. Thank you!
So last night my husband comes home late from work, and goes to bed a 7pm. I ask him whats wrong and he says nothing. I express to him that I love him, and I know he’s going to be fine soon, but that I need to get him help. I tell him that even though all of the hurtfull things he’s said to me hurt more than anything, I know not to take them personal, because by next week he’ll be over it. He tells me , I’m completley normal, and I have to deal with this. He says I love you extremely much, but every once and a while I feel like the grass is greener on the other side, and I can’t help but wonder. That’s why I put us through this. Well…..after 2 weeks of finghting, and him kicking me and our two girls out, and then calling me back, and saying he can’t live without me, my body and mind are tired. I said to him,,if your perfectly normal up there and you don’t need my help or anyone else’s, then maybe you should stop breaking my heart, because I’m dying a little each time you do this, then maybe you should go and find that greener pasture. He said ok. I went to sleep. I woke up an hour later to him crying. He had just gotten a phone call on his cell phone from someone he didn’t know, but they knew him. He was crying and being paranoid because he thought seriously that I was trying to set him up. I couldn’t believe the dillusions. I said to him, I don’t know who just called you, I said I’m not sure what kind of a life style you lead anymore, I said I don’t know you. He cried and left. One hour later I wake up and he’s holding me tight, and kissing me and crying. I let him do this partly because I want him to hold me and be ok, and partly because I don’t want to hurt him in this fragile state. When he woke up in the morning he left without saying goodbye. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed yet, but he shows all of the signs. He is probably does not have a severe case, because he doesn’t steal, he doesn’t drink or do drugs, and he is not sexually permiscuss. He just has bad cycles or episodes a couple of times a year where he contemplates his life, and wishes for better. Then he gets emotionall, and it blows right up where he tells me he doesn’t love me, and then a week or two later it’s fine. The confusing part for me is telling wether or not he is truly feeling like the grass is greener, or is it all in his head. Confused. Confused, confused. I told him if he leaves me, then I can’t help him. Since the premises of him leaving is to find someone better in his then me, (which is almost impossible) I don’t know if I would be able to trust he never slept around on me, even though I know he’ll come around. Should I let him go? And begin my life again, or should I support him knowing that it’s just his bipolar. I feel so guilty and alone.
Hi Dawn, it’s me again posting, confused. My heart really goes out to you, it does. As i know, while i had tremendous love for my partner a big part of me knew, i stayed out of guilt. I too said, I can not abandon her. She needs me right now, if i love her, I would stay. Thinking along those lines. At some point after things started to get really bad with us, I started keeping a journal. Recently, i read all my journal entries (a years worth) and was astonished by my words and the theme. Objectively reading my words, i was clearly unhappy, yet I stayed. Oddly enough, the entries had a recurring theme. Much didn’t change in a year, i was complaining about the same thing, over and over and over. Even now that i am no longer in the situation, I didn’t leave of my own conviction (not really anyway) I left because i saw a ‘justifiable’ reason to say, no more. I guess we can always rationalize staying but at what cost? Is it worth it in the end? For many it may be but I have researched this illness to death, have a ton of literature in my house on the very topic and realize, even if i did decide to stay, it wouldn’t be easy. It would be a constant struggle. I am not here to make decisions for anyone, that is a personal choice what a spouse decides to do but I continue to question why we stay. Perhaps my questioning has some to do with me having an undergrad. degree in psychology and a genuine interest in human behavior but I ask, what is it about the spouses that stay? Do we all have similar personality traits? I got off topic a bit but again Dawn, reading your post bleeds my heart. Have you reread your post? and objectively? I don’t know you but do wish you the best.
Hello everyone. Just wanted to get signed on before I write my story. I just read all your posts and its late, I have to work tommarow. I have just recently been through the same thing with a bipolar boyfriend who literally went from being crazy about me, putting his home up for sale (he lives 8hrs away) and bought me a ring….to someone who changed in 2 days (went into depressive state). He became very distant, reserved with me, stopped showing affection and started getting “pissy” and agitated when we talked. This is the man who had become my best friend and was always so sweet and everyweek sending me presents and cards, plus we would be on the phone for hours at a time and saw each other every 2 weeks…untill the depressive state hit him. He was in his mania evidentally for the first 4 months we knew each other.
I knew he was bipolar as he had told me two months into our relationship. Said he took seroquel for it and he was fine. All was well and he was planning his life to be with me. He even told his best friend I was the one and he was in love with me. But unfortunately that all changed overnite.
I am very glad to find y’all (Im from the South! lol) And will post my story soon. I am no longer with him as I had to walk away, but I would like to understand more about why the change happened. I have not talked to him in a month, but as someone said earlier, “the loss of the relationship/friendship” is what I miss, not the illness. I do not wish bipolar on anyone. Nobody deserves this…not those that have it nor us that try to be there to help them.
Take care and goodnight…Mely
I’ve had 2 bipolar boyfriends… one after the other. Never planned this of course, was a complete fluke so-to-speak, haha. I did not want to judge or predict, I had hope, I wanted to give them a chance (us a chance) and not run for the hills based on my past experiences. Anyways, the first one had no clue there was anything wrong with him, the second knew but self medicated with pot bc meds apparently make him into a dribbling zombie. Needless to say… I suffered 2 times in a row, and I don’t know if my heart can ever love or trust again after such betrayals. Both of them said they loved me, I was their world, their soulmate, talked of a future, marriage kids, told all their friends and family and the world that I was the one, were proud to walk around with me, treated me like a queen, etc etc… Everything they said was so convincing, I really felt like they were so in love, and really speaking from the heart and the soul…. and maybe they were at the time. Both relationships lasted 1-2 months, full time, spending everyday, almost all day together. Then both disappeared with no warning, no word. Gone! Never contacted me back. Never answered any of my calls, emails, texts, even wen I poured my heart out and said that I was dying inside. Complete heartlessness. I am a broken woman. I will never love again. I will never be loved again. I will be alone, but that’s ok. Wish u all the best.
Yes you will be loved again Denise. So will I. I have gotten comfortable being alone, maybe too comfortable. So when things like this happen, it hits me harder because I have wondered and hoped for years that the next person I meet will be the last.
This is the first time I have ever known anyone who is bipolar and I wish he would’ve explained to me up front that he had this (it was 2 1/2 months) before I was told. He explained how it all began for him. But in my naiveness I should’ve done research before the first depressive episode began, and asked him how he felt when he went into this depression. His manic side was great and charming, full of energy, ideas, and plans for the future. His depressive side was ice cold, distancing me, and basically making me feel I was no longer important…All within 2 days of telling me he had bought a ring for me and was planning on telling me the L word in person. He remained that way for 4 weeks and that hurt me the most even though I didn’t think I was in love with him yet, but close. Don’t know if he’s come out of that depressive side as I have no way to know.
I am comfortable being alone (don’t like it) but that is why I walked away. I still hurt (not bad) and miss him, but I haven’t called or texted him, nor he me. I do wonder though and could ask his best friend but in a way I don’t want to know right now either.
But you take care, try to stay strong. We will be fine, and just have to be cautious with our hearts in the future.
I wish everyone well! Especially the folks with bipolar on this site. Thank you for any input you can give us into your world.
I suspected my boyfriend of 6 months was possibly bipolar…I knew something wasn’t normal. I have come to my breaking point to figure out his irrational actions and emotions…they just don’t make sense. I feel like i’m going insane and i have become so depressed myself, which is very abnormal for me. I keep thinking he is two different people….one that loves me like I’ve never been loved before and another one that repeatedly stabs a knife into my heart with his words and discare for my feelings…i have been so confused. He is so up and down. I never know what to expect. I have never in my life felt pain in my heart like I have felt with him. I’ve cryed more tears in the last 6 months than in my whole life. But I’ve also experienced the most love i’ve ever felt in my life along with extrordinarily extra good times together..our compatibility is amazing! I keep telling myself thaat the good is worth the pain, but i feel like i’m slowly getting the life sucked out of me. I would just leave this chaos, but I have developed a deep love and care for this person and the thought of leaving him hurts me worse than he does. So that has led me to research and find out what the hell is going on! I looked up basic bipolar symptoms that fit him perfectly, I still wasn’t completely convinced until I came across this website and when i read even the first reply I cryed my eyes out. I could completely relate down to every detail. I’m so glad to know that I’m not going insane and that there could be help for my boyfriend who i love so much. Here is my main question for someone….how should I approach him to get help? I think he might freak out! He is 32 years old. He has mentioned that he thinks somethings wrong with him before, but i am worried about approaching him on the subject. This is all new to me…any suggestions??
I have to say that this blog has opened my eyes up. I have been in love with a bi polar man for 3 and 1/2 years. NOW on top of that he is a married man with two kids. We have had a rollercoaster ride like no other. I have read books after books after books on this and after reading all of this, I guess I was just getting on the merry go round. I ask myself day in and day out what happened with us. You see, he moved away this past summer. It hurt me so bad you can’t imagine. But it really doesn’t seem to effect him although I am not there to see it day in and day out like before. I know he goes in and out of states and I worry about that. He hates his job and where he lives. He blames himself for leaving and rightfully so. I know this whole thing is wrong. I know that I should thank my lucky stars and run as fast as I can. But I just can’t. I don’t know why and it is eating me alive. When he was here it was difficult enough trying to be together. He told me from the get go that he would not divorce. I think I now know why from this blog!! He is afraid. He doesn’t want to be alone and doesn’t know what I will do but knows she will stay with him. At least she has so far although I have to wonder if when the kids are gone she washes her hands of it all. I know he loves me. I am not some silly woman who was used and dumped. I just wish I could do one of two things. Get over him and move on or be with him. After all I see here, I think I am better off moving on as painful as it is. We are trying to be friends throughout all of this but it has been very hard on me. I am on depression meds and anxiety meds. All because of this. Why am I doing this to myself? Would I want him if I could have him? Would I worry he would do the same thing to me he has done to her? (of course he would) All of it I am very aware of. I know I need to run. I know I need to move on. I just can’t take the step and let go. Why Why Why!!!!! Please, if anyone has been here help me. I am at my wits end and it is effecting everything in my life. Trust me, I have tried therapy and what do they say….run!! That doesn’t help. Please, anyone?
I’m new to this website and very relieved to have found it.
I’m 28 years old and dealing with a man about 10 years older who I’m afraid has bipolar. I’m no expert, although I do have a degree in Psychology, and some things are just plain obvious. I never married this man, but we had a child together about 2 years ago. Why??? You would think I would pay more attention to the signs and know when to run, right? Well, it got so bad living with him when I was pregnant that I had anxiety attacks and it wasn’t good for the baby. The toilets were “filthy” even though I’d cleaned them 2 days before, there was a very specific way to do dishes (growing up in my house, you were just happy someone did them, you didn’t dare supervise!) and the list goes on and on… I did and still do love this man — different now than before. He grew up with his dad who was an abusive alcoholic and his mother left before he was 10 because she was scared of his dad. Turns out, she is schizophrenic. So, two strikes against him there. He plays games with me still… doing horrible things like ordering me to get out of the car when all day we’ve planned on going to a party… he says horrible things, like “my ex-wife wasn’t stupid enough to get pregnant” (our baby was a surprise). And I’m like, “no shit! she was smart enough to get out quick!” So, he’ll come back to me, very sincere, and when its good – we are best friends. Then, when things get rough and I start to question the relationship, he will dump me flat on my face and my head will be spinning. I know they say its pointless to argue with a bipolar person, but somethings are just so hurtful, I turn into a witch and say horrible things back to him. Its so hard not to take it personally! Anyway, around the time he and his brother started eating out of trashcans when dad when be on a binge, he turned himself in to a school counselor and they placed him in foster care. He was very fortunate to find a Psychologist who was fostering, and that is the primary reason his career has been a success. The last time he came back, I said it was on the condition that he see a psychiatrist (heck, I am, I need pills to deal with him!). So, he has an appointment in late January and we’ll see if he follows through. I just pray the doctor is skilled enough to read him, because he can easily “switch” around others and be just fine. This week, he’s been cycling and its been bad. I’m pretty sure he’s flirting with a younger girl… which is heartbreaking, but I’m sure she makes him feel good because she isn’t aware of the “dark side”. I just don’t know what to do. He’s an extremely hard worker (sleeps about 5 hours a night on average) and a dedicated father (although very hard on our son and thinks he is manipulative… as a two year old!). How much better can it get with medicine?
First of all I want to say that I have read alot of these posts, and while my sympathy goes out to y’all, its also nice to know that I am not alone.
My situation is a little different because I went into this relationship with eyes wide shut so to speak…I knew that there were some issues but I also closed my eyes to them…it’s also different because bi-polar dissorder is not new to me…I grew up with bi-polar parents so I have dealth with manic depressives my whole life…and the man I spent the last 7 years with has never been diagnosed…but I see the definate signs…periods where he is super hyper, talks a mile a minute, jumps from one subject to the next, is irrational, irritable, paranoid, possessive and obssessive(especially about me)and jealous. This is always followed by 2 or 3 days of deep depression, and a few days of “normalcy”…which never last more than a couple of weeks before the cycle starts again…he is also an alcoholic and it is the alcohol that seems to trigger the mania…it’s like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde…when he is in normalcy he is sweet, charming, a little shy, funny, and interesting…he’s a great guy at those times…the rest of the time he drives me nuts…a couple of times in our relationship he has “cut and run” but came back…a few weeks ago he met a woman at a party…a few days ago he broke up with me…we still live together…but are broke up…he talks to her on the phone daily…he has decided that he needs change, he has to change something, and I seem to be the easiest and most convenient thing to change…drop me and get a new woman that will make it all better…told me he isn’t in love with me anymore(and hasn’t been for a year which I know is a lie)…he broke up with me because his new girl called the house and I told her “I’m his girlfriend can I help you?”…he told her a bunch of lies to cover that…either she believed him or doesn’t care although she did stop calling here he still calls her every day…and yes the pain I am going thru right now is immeasureable…whats worse is that in a single night he goes from sitting on his knees at my feet telling me how sorry he is that he hurt me to grabbing the phone and saying “I’m calling her again I don’t care if it hurts you or not.” and from “Don’t hate me” to “I don’t care if you hate me.”….in the course of minutes…from hugging me to acting as if my hand is on fire if I touch his shoulder…I know dysfunctional with a capitol D…I don’t know what to do at this point because, although I dealt with bi-polar as a child(like I said he hasn’t been diagnosed but…somethin ain’t right)…all my friends are of the kick him to the curb attitude…which would be easy if he were just a jerk…but he isn’t…this is different…it’s overwhelming at times…and while I actually know that I’ll be ok(I have had some experience at picking up broken hearted pieces)I also know that I can’t just abandon ship and leave this kind of a mess behind because it would eat away at me…I am…kind….he is on the edge of wanting to seek treatment, to find out what’s wrong because he realizes that something is…but I think he is also afraid to seek it…I think the trigger to this was me losing my job a couple of months ago…though I get unemployment and am looking for another job…he doesn’t handle stress well…or responsibility…and things began a downward spiral from there…right now I am confused, hurt, lost, and unsure of what to do…on top of all this I know that he has abandonment issues, and while no I don’t think that I am the center of his world I do know that I am fairly important to him…he keeps telling me I am his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose my friendship…when I rationally point out that probably isn’t going to work out well…especially with a new relationship she isn’t going to want him hanging out with his “ex” he gets angry and says well screw her then we have to be friends…I don’t know if he is in some new cycle that will pass or if he really wants me gone…I just don’t know what to do…the ups and downs man will wreck your mind…I wonder if this is typical behavior or a person with bipolar dissorder or if I am letting my childhood with my parents cloud the situation…if I am seeing corrolaries that aren’t there…or if he actually does have issues…I just know that some of the behavior of late makes so little sense…like giving the new girl his home number and telling her to call…like the sudden decision that he doesn’t love me anymore…and the back and forth of wanting me in his life but not in his life but in it in a new capacity…and did I mention that this man, just a few weeks ago, was down on his knees begging me to give him another chance and never to leave him? To go from one extreme to the other so drastically ain’t easy to deal with either…unfortunately I have never been in a “normal” relationship…I was married to an alcoholic before this relationship and obviously there were problems there…so while I have a gage for what seems odd behavior I haven’t one for normal…but reading the posts here I see some similarities…and think maybe, just maybe, I am on the right track.
I went out with a girl who had manic depression. For a month i only ever noticed a few cycles. I thought she was a fantastic, amazing, bright and creative person who was confident and could get along with anyone. We had great times together… She went for a holiday to the other side of the country to visit old friends and decided to move their and told me one week into her holiday.
I jsut found this forum, and am only now starting to come to terms with what I’m up against. Help! Dh has never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure – workaholic, depressed moods, agressive, blaming, angry, easy to flip, usually yells the insults at himself rather than me, as if that’s what I’m thinking, but the temper is all my fault. It’s the things I say or do, it;s all my fault We have a 15 month old and were thinking of another baby, but I’m exhausted. His mother left him at this age so I know it’s tough right now. I;ve been making excuses the 5.5 years we’ve been together. Things have been pretty rough but now they’re getting better, and his behaviour hasn’t changed at all. All my energy is seeping away, and so is my love. He can tell that, that’s partly why he’s pushing so hard just now. He says that he knows I’m going to leave him as everyone does. How do you get them to accept that they need help? Is there anything I can slip into his food, herbally, vitamins, anything to have a rational conversation. We live in his country, and all my support is half way round the world. What if my daughter is the same, what if he behaves like this to her, blames her for anything? I’ve realised that my mother is the same, and I was so busy trying not to be like her, that I ended up with someone like her – what’s wrong with me? I’m not sure that I’m not affected myself, but have just got over PND, without meds. I don’t really know where to turn. We’ve worked so hard to build a life together and a business, but now perhaps I need to walk away from it?
I would like to thank everyone for giving me insight on (Bipolar illness).
I was in a 3 yr relationship with my ex girlfriend was respected, well mannerd ,after the first 1 yr we purchased a home and things was going smoothly but through out the relationship i notice a sense of jealousy and insecurity on her part. arguments would erupt out of the blue, we resolve our problems but within a week the arguments continues. things really got out of hand when she start ed using foul language,anger,lying,and putting me down.i was devastated hurt and confuse after i endure 2 weeks of that she would cry for hours saying she hates her self , she not happy, and not comfortable in her own skin. and one day i came home she had packed up and move in with her sister .i called countless times trying to find a reason of this behavior…after a month of not seeng her or talking , textin her mutual friends told me that she has lost weight , behaving irractionalking acessivly
I think my ex girlfriend is bipolar after doing a online research and reading these post ( SHE EXIBITS THE CHARACTERISTIC OF THE THIS DISORDER TOO A TEE) but she ‘s undiagnose :after 3 yrs of living with her she broke it off 2times for no apparent reason and came back crying saying she dont know what she been thinking some of the ex:moodswings,putting me down,drinking excessively,talking excessivly
hi
hi there again
hi everyone…. I have been following this website for awhile now. I have been married 21 years to date…. and still journeying on.. my life unravelled probably four years ago.. the signs??? i guess have always been there.. i have been in a daze for a year now since thebipolar thing came up… I will give you mixed reviews who are looking at this .. i think the medication has a place in this all but the realisation of the illness is something else. My husband has been in five hospitals the last year… some of the best ( in the land of oz) not sure where it all went wrong…is it the lack of grasp he has on the reality of it all? or is the disease so cruel??? as I journey with this.. I am starting to believe that they say what they want to say to the perticular person that they are talking to at that time…. they become so self focused as to where they are at the time….. where are you in this equation???? I am working out that even though you are back bone of the relationship or the “strong” one it really isn’t enough and that doesn’t count.it becomes time to start looking after yourself… as I am starting to do. they unfortunately become totally consumed in who they are and where they are going. Is there a successful end to this??? I am starting to doubt this… I have been the strength. the religous connection in this relationship.I believe in God and all the goodness He brings us… maybe it is time to move on.. maybe there is another reason for my journey…. this illness is cruel………… you need to be strong, focused and accepting……. but sometimes you need more than that… love, affection, compassion…….and the sad part of this story is that i had all of that… I had it all…….. or so I thought before the illness came along ….. looking forward to your repsonse … life is a journey… my latest quote is ” Life can only be understood lookng back… but has to be lived looking forward” God bless you all as you travel forth…. please stay in touch…ms
I am dizzy with all the back and forth in my relationship. We have been together for almost 5 years. She has two sons from a prior relationship and life has been nothing but a roller coaster where I fear that I am bipolar with all that happens.
We have managed to make it through a life threatening operation (hers), a custody battle, her ex husband not paying child support and sometimes I cannot handle it and I explode and have yelled. Honestly I feel like running far away. I am the major breadwinner in the home, the kids are always fighting with her and we have no affection or intimacy any longer. She is always depressed, always saying she is not feeling well and always on – line. If I bring these things up she gets extremely agitated and most recently said she was to leave the relationship. Immediately after saying that she blames me and says I have not respected her throughout the 5 years.
I am feeling I am bipolar with all the confusion and blame. Can anyone comment?
Hi mikal
I feel for you as well… and I understand the bit about second guessing ourselves like are we normal or are we developing something?? the depression is bad when it hits and they can get soooo low and gradually work their way up to an agitated state… that is the cycle I know. my concern would be for the kids as they are being exposed to this rollar coaster ride… is she taking her medication??? I do know they play the blame game and everything is pointed to you… because you are the closest person to them.. I would suggest that you start protecting your self and walk away when the abuse starts.. it really isnt acceptable and maybe this will help break that cycle for you… being honest and getting involved with her doctors is really important… maybe a time in hospital for her could be a proactive move… sorry I can’t help much more than that
I cant believe, I have found this blog.
Im another partner of someone with bipolar and a server anxiety disorder.
me and Kathy have been together for 15 years. the last 4 years have been terrible, with her turning more against me. Day by Day
last week was terrible. one day i am woken from a deep sleep by her screaming in my ear with the latest delution shes having
later that night i am have a migraine attack again shes screaming at me while im having it
a few days ago a spent the whole day making our house nice and sping cleaning.
she wake early afternoon and start screaming at for cleaning house gos on for hours
I can take it no more, I have really everyday. we do have some good days but there rare now.
for once i just wanted her to shut up and stop being nasty to me when I love her so much.
I don’t know what came over me ~I grab her by the neck
i realized what i was doing after a few secs and stop`ed and let go
I just snapped couldn’t take the hatred no more
This set her off again and off she gos to kitchen and get a huge knife and know again threatening to stab her self
I get the knife away from her and hide it, next she bang her head on wall
I put my hands between her head and wall to stop her hurting herself
then she runs and is slamming the cupboard doors trying to rip them off
I try to stop her im still trying to type with one hand
my hand got slammed in door and the end of my middle finger is cut halfway off and finger is swollen to twice its normal size
It was so painful
I lost my temper and slap her round the face twice a
I spend the next two hours bleeding not worrying about my self trying to calm her down.
I hate my self for losing my temper as I love her so much
she was with a partner before that beat her
I know Im not like that but keep thing whats happening to me
I not right i lost my temper and slapped her
after wards for a few day they have been good days but now today she getting nasty again.
like she dose nearly every day she sleeps to afternoon
screams at me for two hours rambles to her self for hours
then barricades herself in the bedroom getting stonned on weed
runs sound at full blast wont let me watch anything ever on tv.
she screams and shouts if I speek to friends or my family one phone
and say I dont want her and wont talk to her.
calms down ushaly by 3am only to start again next day
but she wont speak to me or let me sit with her and locks me out of the bedroom
The doctors are no help, she takes the pills but they dont work
she sees them every two weeks and never tell the truth to them and says shes ok the believe her
if the suss she aint and they want to change pills she screams and cry’s and they give in to her.
If I tell the truth in fount of her to them
there ok, Its me who has to deal with her for her for the next to weeks to the see her again.
The refuse to let me come and see them without her there.
so I can tel them how she really is
every few times we go they change her doctor at the hospital and we start again with a new doctor and get no where
as they dont even bother reading the file from what I can see.
the tv is blazing full blast again as I type
she getting wasted on weed and drinking gees lintus couth mixture thats she addicted too, its opium based
I just love her so much. the sane part says I have to give up and leav
but I just cant I love my wife so so much.
A man at his wits end
alan
hi alan,
soiunds abit like a mess here… how long has been diagnosed with bipolar??? i know my husband has had a huge year trying to get the medication right and stints of being in and out of hospital… the abuse certainly sounds bad and I imagine you have been slowly getting conditioned to this over the years without really knowing what was happening to your wife…. all and all I have come to realize that the abuse is not acceptable.. no matter how much you love the person.. they have to start being accountable for their actions… does she acted ok in front of other friends and family members??? I have been totally honest with the doctors and he is not happy about that either, however to get it fixed or better medicated is really important… I imagine smoking pot certainly doesn’t help the situation… I saw someone the other day and she explained something to me that really made sense… we are at the moment acting two roles… one of partner and another of carer… I guess ideally we need to try and keep those emotions for both sides in check…. i have come to the conclusion that I will no longer get stuck on that broken tape or record playing… is it always the same things she throughs up at you???? it probably is time to walk away in those moments and explain to her I am happy to talk as your husband but you won’t be abusing me verbally anymore….maybe this will break that cycle… I think we get so conditioned to this treatment that we really need to step outside the box and look in… then we would work out that this in not normal… maybe she needs a manditory time in a hospital…to keep her safe and you safe…. every once and a while we need to reconnect with ourselves and make ourselves our priority… this has nothing to do with love… i have been married over twenty years… this is to do with an illness and keeping ourselves well and healthy in the mean time… hope this helps abit…none of us deserve this treatment
I am Bipolar and so is my fiance. I can honestly tell you, it is nothing but a rollercoaster ride through life! We have been together for a year and a half. We notice when each other is cycling. It is wonderful to know that the person you are spending your life with completely understands you. Yes when we are both at our peaks, it is like World War 3. But when one is having a rough time (manic or depressive), the other realizes what they are going through. We have so much compassion, love, and understanding for one another. We both accept how “crazy” each one of us can get. We both see the other person for who they really are, we can see past and through both of our bipolar mess. We have agreed to not have any children of our own. He has two from a previous marriage and I have one from a previous marriage. We know our conditions and limits well enough to know what we can handle in life. We have great relationships with our children and see them often. We are fully committed to eachother. Our life is never boring, you never know what new adventure is ahead. There are extreme highs and extreme lows, but to be with a person on this side of it all, accepting you for everything that you are, your outbursts, and your meltdowns; it is a blessing. We completely even eachother out. We have a world all of our own, like no one elses.
Wow. What a great bunch of posts and honesty.
Not sure how many people are still reading these posts…
I’ve been recently diagnosed with bipolar — but have had symptoms of it for at least 10 years now — diagnosed at first as depression but it seems the meds aggravated the hypomanic/manic states.
I’ve also been married for 4 years and they’ve been great and painful all at once. It’s been really tough for my wife. I’ve been getting counselling, which has helped immensely — and it was the counselling that helped me see there was something deeper going on. I was doing everything right, thinking right, seeking support when needed, fighting off the negative thoughts — but then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression — and other times I’d be feeling fine, creative, clear-headed — and then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression…
My wife’s pregnant with our first child — a simultaneously happy and scary prospect. It’s hard enough managing a marriage with bipolar let alone a family with kids. I’m freaked out by it.
I suppose I want to resonate with others who have bipolar.
But I also want to encourage those who are our partners, because even though we have some psycho-imbalance that we didn’t ask for and even though we can be unpredictable and painful and oftentimes it seems out of our control — we are still responsible for our actions. I am the one who chooses to move my mouth to speak and I am the one who chooses to sit down to work or not to work — my behaviour and my emotional ups and owns are not my wife’s responsibility. I so often want them to be — I want to blame her, I want to point the finger at her, I want to tell her that she just doesn’t understand my pain and should be more patient and caring (I don’t know that she can be — she is a gift to me and tries so hard — she’s amazing).
Yes, I have a disorder, and yes, I’d benefit from showing myself more grace — but I am also responsible for my actions and my wife is worth far more than how I sometimes naturally want to treat her. I chose this marriage and I’m responsible to choose love over hate. Hard? Absolutely. Possible? I think so.
Partners of us: You are worth more than being treated like scum. May the sun shine on your shadowy days and help you see your worth and beauty. I hope the cloudy waters become clearer (not just for you but also for me).
Question for all of you – admittedly I haven’t read ALL the posts (but a large # & haven’t seen this addressed).
My husband is going thru “something” – depression, bipolar, midlife crisis, or has been hiding a horrible person for 30 yrs. I’ve gone to depression, bipolar, & midlife crisis sites. I’ve gotten different opinions for each place (with differing opinions of those suffering from the same illnesses).
He has several aspects (both depression & manic side) of bipolar. However, the way he’s behaving, I’m not totally sure…. I’ll try to be brief, but in doing so, I’m not sure you’ll truly understand the BEFORE & CURRENT him….
BEFORE, he was quiet, to himself, loved his family, financially responsible, never liked crowds/loud noise (unless in a truly open atmosphere – like he can do restaurants, Disney, fairs, fireworks; but no bars, clubs, etc). Would never spend a dime he didn’t have, paid cr card bills in full every month, etc. Comes home every day after work, sees his immediate relatives (some daily due to his job). Stopped by grandmother’s on way to work each morning for water for work, stopped in at least 2-3x per week for lunch. Would never lie to me. If he thought he’d hurt me in any way, he’d be nearly in tears apologizing. Would tell me in cards just how he felt about me – I’ve never had anyone tell me in such heartfelt words. (Now I feel that I should have realized this was still a sign that although he opened up to me more than to anyone ever, he still couldn’t verbally open up to me entirely.)
NOW: LIVING with a stripper – all of a sudden. From what I can tell, he met her 01/30 (while he was still down). He called her 2 days later (& she knew she had him). He lied about where he was for the next 1.5 wks, then left on 02/17 & moved in with her. Bought new clothes. Has taken his excercise bar, a pair of pants & a t-shirt from the house-NOTHING else. Still pays the bills, comes over to check mail, give me money, put fuel in my truck, mow the lawn. Avoiding all family members. Those he must see due to work, it’s in/out, very businessie – no hanging out. Doesn’t stop by g’ma’s in the mornings, might eat lunch 1 every couple of wks, but doesn’t hang out afterwards. Spending money we don’t have ($3000 just last month on bars, clubs, $250 meals, strip joint where this girl “works”. 1st he said he couldn’t be married, needed to be alone, & this would give me “closure” because he knew how this was destroying me & our son (legally my son, but he’s been dad since my son was 5 – he’s now 10). I know he’s called a divorce attny, but don’t know if I’m getting served. He says he still loves me (originally said love wasn’t enough). The elaborate lies he’s been telling since 01/30 are incredible. I would never expect such things to come from him.
HISTORY: Towards the end of 2008, I saw depression come on…. Thought it was all financial. The family business that he oversees was loosing money. (It’s a farm, so it isn’t a huge deal, next year, may be better. However, it’s the 1st time since he took over after the uncle he worked with suddenly died 3 yrs ago.) We were living tighter – I home school. I think (now that we’ve talked a little), that my extra stuff (especially my son’s Cub Scouts) took too much of my time from him/family & the Scout clutter all over the place (long story, but no one has helped me in 3 yrs & I have to store everything at my house) didn’t help. HOWEVER, he never said a word.
Since this has all happened, family skelatons have emerged. Some things I had heard, but never knew details.
His mother suffered from depression/anxiety attacks. She was hospitalized when he was 12. His parents divorce 5 yrs earlier & the circumstances of him mothers depression/anxiety are things he’s never dealt with nor gotten over (he stuffed them very deep). His sister has mental health issues – mom’s family believes it’s bipolar. Sis had a “breakdown” when she was 13. Was put on meds, went to therapy. 3 or 4 yrs later, she went to dad’s side who believed that she was “addicted” to meds & took her off everything. Now, she’s 28, has her masters & part way to her PhD, yet lives in a bedroom at grandma’s (dad’s side) with her “girlfriend”, they come out after the grands have gone to bed, & go to bed when the grands get up. Neither works, they pay nothing towards room & board (grand’s fault), she quit college (but let the family continue to send her money for school, housing, & vehicle & just lived it up instead of going to school).
Mom’s family understands mental health & knows help is needed. Dad’s family enables.
Christmas of 2007, my husband had a panic attack as we were driving 1000 to visit my family for the holidays. Back then, I didn’t know what it was. Had I known & had I know his mom had a 2-yr struggle with them, I may have seen things differently.
I don’t know where to go with all this. People think I’m crazy for not leaving him already, but like someone else posted, I LOVE this man. If he’s ill, how could I ever turn my back on him.
I just don’t know if he’s ill. I don’t know if he could be ill, but still function (so far) at work, have the wherewithall to pay our bills (which may stop once he sees how much supporting 2 lives costs per month – he takes home roughly $4000/mo; it costs $3400 to run our house. He’s going to have to start removing money in savings to keep up. He’s already gotten some kind of ticket that he has to go to court for (if it were speeding, he’d take the class & it wouldn’t be on record). He says he still loves me & I believe him. I know he loves our son.
I continue telling him I love him, I know he’s going thru “something”, that I and our son will be here waiting for him.
I know this is long & I know I’m leaving stuff out… It’s so hard.
If anyone can give me insight as to whether you think this “could be” bipolar, I’d appreciate it.
Thank you.
I have bi polar. i am so grateful for coming across this webiste. i can see in what you are writing i do or did to my girlfriend. it has opened my eyes alot.
being bipolar is like dating your soul mate and also your worst enemy. i dont understand why i do half the things i do althou i do understand some.. i hate this disease. i can not take medication due to my past. i can not take medication cause basically i can not be trusted with it. being with a bipolar is like going out with some one that completly contradicts everthing i wanted her there but i didnt. trust when im depressed was very hard. i feel so. sorry and regretful for what i put her thru. she was and still is the love of my life. and i ruined it. im not looking for sympathy. nor do i expect it.
Dear Katrina,
thank you for your honesty.
Yours is the best explanation for what I have experienced. If you read this please reply to me. I had a wonderful relationship with the man I believed was my soul mate and the love of my life. Out of the blue, he brought a woman home to his place. When I reacted with understandable jealousy, he called the police to get me away from his house. Now whenever I call he threatens to get a restraining order. I know he would probably follow through, so I can’t contact him. What do I do? He had told me he loved me on that very day.
I know he takes lithium, but he had been drinking. Could a bipolar person do this to the woman he is supposedly in love with?
Please reply.
Josie
hey josie.
it sounds like he is manic. and apart of being manic is hypersexuality. i have never done it with my ex. i did however done it with my other ex. i slept with her told her i loved her when i did not then slept with a number of people in the same night (something i am not proud of) but he is cheating on you maybes cause of that. HOWEVER it is no no excuse for doing that. and yes he could do that to some one he loves. but when a bi – polar is having a “cycle” they love no one else more than them selves. it is a very very very selfish disorder.
you need to think. would you deal with that if he did not have bi polar? would you stand by him?
It has been 2 months since my last post, a bit of an update…he moved out and right in with the new woman he met…he has been slowly coming to get his things…tells me now “I love you but it changed, it isn’t the same.”…sent me one email that was hateful and angry and then another apologizing and being nice…he has brief moments where I “see” the “real” him, then he turns right back into this cold, hard hearted person he has become…he freaks out if I touch him, as if I am a leper…tells me “I can’t allow you to touch me because it could lead to something else and I don’t want that.”…sends me somewhat mixed signals…I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…he signed his last email to me “Your friend”…and mind you we have been lovers for 7 years…this was literally a sudden departure…he met her a couple of weeks before…then tortured me with her for a week while he lived here…then tricked me into taking him to meet her…I of course confronted her, she didn’t care obviously, and he moved in with her…he literally went from our bed in the morning to hers in the afternoon…and I can not make any sense at all of it…because people don’t just do that, they don’t move from one life to another so quickly…found out he is missing time off of work…alot…since he moved in with her(she lost her job btw)…
It’s like living in a Pink Floyd movie, where everything is surreal and makes no tangible sense…he tells me “Why can’t you just accept it and move on?”…but I have a really hard time just saying “Well, that’s ok” after 7 years…I can not wrap my mind around a person just falling out of love with one and into love with another so fast…although he has never said he loved her, and at one point said “I am gonna use her and break her heart”…
Worst of all, there is this part of me that feels as if he is manipulating me somehow…as if this is all part of some very wierd mind game(which he was never above playing, he is a big control freak)…and I swear he knows exactly what buttons to push to keep me a little bit on a string while still torturing me….
I wonder, have any of you in relationships with bipolar people felt, at times, as if it were a love/hat thing? Like they both adored you, and yet at times really enjoyed hurting you, and manipulating your emotions until you didn’t quite know which way to turn?
Of course my friends still say kick him to the curb, but I learned a long time ago that you don’t just quit on someone because they have issues, even when they quit on you….I would really, REALLY appreciate some insite on the potential emotional manipulation thing though…because right now I am floundering in the wind and I don’t know if I am right, or just nuts…but I have had for awhile this sinking feeling in my stomach that something is very, very wrong here.
And one more question, do bipolar people, when in a manic phase, “use” their partners emotions to their own advantage? As in, say they know what hurts them emotionally, do they use that hurt as a way to manipulate them? And if so, is there a particularly good way to deal with that?
Reply to Going in Circles,
Yes, I believe that bipolar people do use their partners’
emotions to their own advantage. They know what hurts them emotionally and use those points as weapons.
It hit me that my bipolar boyfriend knew the things my ex husband who was abusive, had done and said to me and he would throw it those things back at me.
He knew my husband had pushed me and called me stupid, so he would say, “I’ll push you” or call me “stupid”, which made me wince because I couldn’t believe that this wonderful guy, who said he loved me, would use those very painful things to wound me. I used to think it was his sick sense of humour, but now that he has cut me out of his life, I see it as a sadistic streak. I don’t understand it. I would never do that to anyone. If anyone else knows why someone would do this, please help us to clarify this.
Josie
i can not talk for all bipolar people. i have bipolar. i hate to admit this. when manic i do manipulate. i hate it. i wish i did not do it. i cant at the moment help it. (but cbt is helping me learn how not too) i also have bpd (borderline personality disorder) its really close to bp and apart of that is being so scared of abandonment (most of it is in my head)
my girlfriend just left me. and i am doing that. i am texting her emailing her wanting her still so much. want her to want me for me. kinda of thing ( even tho i know to a degree how hard it is for her) i am being nice. and the next i am being a complete moron. what she does and my mum does when i manipulate is they dont take it. they just dont. ignore me. tell me what im doing. my mum more than her drew boundries. the cruel to be kind aproach. i may throw a tantrum. but soon calm down. and when im calm they tell me. or should tell me what i done wrong. how it made me feel. be honest. my mum done that to me today.
I dont know why i manipulate. because im scared that they dont like me? cause its like a train wreck in my head. once a thought pops up it hard to stop it. for years i did not realise i done it. it has only took till now that i do.
http://dailystrength.org/c/Family-and-Friends-of-Bipolar/support-group
this website is a lot of help.
its helping me to realise how i effect people.
Dear Katrina,
Yes, I would have stood by him, if I had known his behaviour was due to bipolar disorder. I didn’t know then.
I am just piecing it all together from the fact that he told me he took lithium, had electroconvulsive shock therapy and saw a therapist once a week or every two weeks at the Mental Health Association. I know that none of his relationships have lasted very long. He told me of all the things that were wrong with those women. I figured I was different, that he wouldn’t dump me, but I was wrong.
The way he dumped me, by calling the cops and threatening me with a restraining order, which entails 10 years in prison, if breached, is the most frightening thing to me. I am having post traumatic stress disorder over this. I wake up thinking about it and I obsess all day long about it. I just wish I could talk to him rationally to get some closure, but I can’t. He won’t let me.
Do you think there’s a chance that he might contact me once he gets out his manic feeling?
Is there a chance that he still loves me like he said he did?
Is the guy I fell in love with hidden in there, behind his illness?
Please help. I am desperate.
Josie
nine times out of ten manics will come back full of shame and guilt. they do feel sorry. well i do. yes he is still there. he needs to understand that he can not drink with meds. is he even still taking them? cause it sounds like he stopped. he will/maybe still love you (i cant speak for him) as i said before. a bp who is manic only loves them selves. it is a very selfish disorder.
go on this forum. it has helped me realise what a moron i can be.helped me understand the real pain i can pass out to my mum and my ex. the people on there can give you better advise than i can. i can only give you from my point of view. the people on the forum have been thru it. can teach you ways of how to be with a bipolar if he or you decides to get back together
http://dailystrength.org/c/Family-and-Friends-of-Bipolar/support-group
Dear Katrina,
Thank you for helping me understand. You sound like a great person. Despite your illness, your soul shines through and that’s all that matters. You know, if people love you, they love you in spite of an illness. I know I am like that. If I know someone is ill, it doesn’t matter. It’s the person I love. People cannot be duplicated. God made each one of us special and unique and nobody else can replace us. I just wish that my boyfriend would understand that concept. No one person is replaceable by somebody else. We are unique. God bless you Katrina! And may all you be blessed with success, happiness and love!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Josie
Thanks for the replies so far…much appreciated…and man Josie do I know what you mean about closure…I too wake up thinking about it and obsess on it daily…and I know the reason why I do(and you probably as well)is that it makes no logical sense…but a bipolar friend told me “That’s the problem, it won’t make logical sense because a manic person is not logical. They are ruled by their own mind, they are selfish and heartless in that phase. That hate themselves for it when they crash, but when they are manic they don’t give a crap.”…
To me, it is like seeing 2, maybe 3, distinctly different people…one who is a charming and sensitive man, another who is petty and mean, and a third who thinks he is some kind of king who can walk over anyone he wants to…and 1 of those “people” in him adores me, another does love me, and the third one(the one he has been these last couple of months)gets some wierd sadistic pleasure from hurting me and ripping me apart emotionally…it isn’t the first time he has stepped on my heart…but it is the hardest that he has ever stepped on it….and though he tells me to let go…he also drops little mixed signals at me…things that, dammit I KNOW he knows, will keep me hanging on the line just enough to keep a crack in my door…
Little things, like the comment about “I can’t hug you because it would lead to something more” or “I really did love you” or “I still love you but it’s different now” or even “Don’t hate me, I never want to lose your friendship.”…
I think that maybe a big issue with partners of people with bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder(which I think he might also have)is that they get into their partners head…my father(bipolar)is a certified genius…and I have never met a person with bipolar disorder that wasn’t of above average intelligence…and though I am also of above average intelligence…I can see how, once they get “into your mind” it’s very hard to get them out…and it’s strange…but I think that my now former partner might know me well enough to actually know how to predict and counteract my reactions to things…in other words, they may know how to hurt us, but at the same time how to push the limit while coming in just under the wire…another friend said “He doesn’t want you to stop loving him because, if you did, that would hurt his ego. But he does want to see just how close he can push the limit without pushing you completely away.” …it makes sense, because each time he does something like this he takes it a little further, he plays a little harder, and wrecks me a little more than he did the time before…and then he slips back in a little bit at a time…
And the sad thing is that I recognize this, and yet I still “play the game”…because I don’t know how to just put down the ball…yes, I love him, with all my heart…but as my bipolar friend also told me “We know how to make someone absolutely adore us. And some of us will find that person who will and embed into their heart. Then we push every button they have to see how strong that love is.”
And all of this makes me wonder…for I am not a person who easily trusts…and yet here is this man who has lied to me, cheated on me, and I believe manipulated me quite a bit…and I still don’t know if all of what is going on right now is part of a huge mind game on his part…a way to, no other way to put it, control me by breaking my heart…a part of me thinks “No one would do that” while another part of me thinks “This man would do almost anything to keep me under his thumb, even leave me.”…
Before all of this started, he told me a couple of times “You’re going to leave me, you’ll think I’m a loser and you’ll leave me.”…and I told him “I love you, I’d never leave you because that would break both of our hearts.”….and he is very fully aware of just how much this has and is hurting me…but I wonder, and that’s the reason for my questions about manipulation, would a bipolar person leave their partner, push them away, break their heart, even try to “break” them, and use the love that they know that person has for them, as a way to manipulate them? Or to break them down? And how does one recognize this, stop the rollercoaster and say, with all assurance, “I know what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work”…or is there even a way to do that at all?
The biggest problem being that, strange as it sounds…with fairly minimal contact…thruout this breakup, he really seems to be the one who holds the aces up his sleeve…and every time I get to where I can breathe a bit, and get my frame of mind right, he subtley says or does something that pushes my buttons….two times in all of this have I seen him show any sign of emotion that seemed real…and that emotion was anger…the rest of the time he has shown an almost disturbing lack of emotion about it all…and both of those times the anger was in response to something said by a male friend of mine that he doesn’t particularly like.
If I seem torn, it’s because I am. And I have read alot of posts on here and seen some rather eerie similarities. I guess that I am just hoping that, between reading and asking, I might find some answers, because he seems to basically either sidestep my questions, or give me answers that are evasive at best.
oh god, it sounds so familiar.I have been waiting for him to show me some sign of emotion but it never happens. He says he needs more tenderness and when I hug him he is like a block of ice. He manipulates me every single day and I have been altering myself every single day but I am never enough. The only time I hear something nice he says about me is when friends tell me what he said to them. I hoped there is hope but it seems to get worse the older we get. He told me 2 days ago how he would marry me again anytime and we are such a great couple and thanks god we have no relationship issues. Yesterday he woke up with a mood wanted me closer and when I tried to comfort him he walked out on me. Haven’t seen him since then.I feel emotionally drained and what hurts most is the knowledge he wont tell me he is sorry. It will all be my fault again and again.
hey josie.
my gf just could not handle being with a bp i guess. i dont blame her for it.
thanks for that
hey going,
maybe he is saying those things to hurt you cause he is hurting. pushing you away and hurting you before you hurt him. even tho its cause of the bi-polar you are hurting in the first place.
Yes bi-polars are manipulative. but you HAVE to set boundries. leave him to cool off. let him come to you. what i have read most bi-polars when going thru an episode do a runner for a bit. (i dont. not with my ex. i pushed her till she cracked)
you said he might have BPD. a major major bad point to that is being petrified of abandonment! so him hurting you before you can hurt him. sounds really effed up but its what i do/ have done in the past.
i dont know if all bi polars do this. but i wake up in the morning too and i obsess over my ex. i want her to know how sorry i am for hurting her like i did. i want to see her because it was the bipolar part of me that done that! she says too much damage has been done. and i hate that. i hate it cause i know deep down its true. and that i want to repair it. but what i done was so bad that i dont know where to start. or where i can start. its so frustrating because i know i have bi polar its pretty hard to ignore. but frustrates me cause i dont want to be like this. and i wonder how many more people i am going to hurt/lives i am going to destroy.
My dear Katrina,
Thank you for your advice.
It’s been three months and he hasn’t attempted to contact me.
How long do you think his silence can last?
Right now it feels as if he will never come back.
I don’t understand how he can totally cut me off and then still go to the local pub every day and function in other ways.
I miss him and love him.
I wish I could know how long an episode like this can last for him. When will he realize I’m still there waiting and that maybe he still loves me like he did before he suddenly cut me off.
Josie
Thanks for the insight Katrina…
I can see the push me away before I hurt him part…because he was almost obssessive over thinking i would “figure out he’s a loser and leave”…especially when he started facing legal troubles…and I know that he knows he hurt me because he has told me that he does and he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to but he “needed change”…the thing that makes this, to me, so unbelievable is the fact that he was so obsessive over never losing me…always telling me never to leave him, worried that something would happen to me(as in that I would die), even to the point of telling friends he didn’t want to “piss her off and make her leave me”…so for him to go from, well, for lack of a better word, almost obsessive about me, to feeling nothing at all for me, to the point that he treats me now as if I am a leper…its like one extreme to another and so suddenly…
And for what it’s worth…you know the best advice I can give you about your own ex is to just be a friend to the best of your ability…because when you love a person with issues believe me, it takes ALOT to push that person away…love is not something that dies easily, but we do have our “protective armor” that, sometimes, we have to throw up to keep our own self from crumbling…
Example, this man has hurt me deeply, he has abandoned me(and he knows that I myself have abandonment issues from childhood)broken my heart, “replaced” me with another woman who, kind of eerily, bears a little resemblance to me physically, moved out of our home and into hers, has cheated on me more than once, has gone back and forth between me and a couple of his exes…and yet I would still give almost anything if he would just come back and try to work things out….but he won’t because he is determined that he and I are “done” and he needs to start a new life with the new girl because “I still love you, but it’s different now.”…and he knows that I still very deeply love him.
Of course, for me, there is that fear that he found his dream girl and they will live a life of wine and roses, which seems to me so unfair because, although I admit I got really mad at him and yelled alot when he jumped off the boat on me this time, for the most part I really have been the best friend he has had for many years. Not only because he told me I was, but because I know his friends and, well, most of them tell me I must be on a mission from god to stand by him like I have.
When you are with a person like him…sometimes you feel like nothing you do is ever enough. One night you cook an awesome meal and they tell you its wonderful…a week later you cook the same meal and they complain about it. One night you are “the best lover I ever had” and the next night “your ok”…and it takes alot of strength, it really does. Your ex might have enough strength Katrina, but I don’t know. You told me to give him time to cool, that probably also goes for your own ex…and it might take some time…it might never happen, but I know you know if not then it wasn’t meant to be.
I believe in soul mates, and I believe(always have)that he is mine…I know that, if he doesn’t come back, I’ll be ok…very sad for some time, but eventually, ok…
I wish that I knew how to let him know that I understand him alot better than he thinks that I do, and that I won’t abandon him, without giving him more power to hurt me, but that is a very tricky thing to do…right now I am being casual, just “a buddy”, trying to not be the hurt me that I was when he first went AWOL on me, but rather to be the sunny, optimistic person that I usually am…letting him know that I am moving on and finding interest in new people, while still letting him know that my friendship isn’t going anywhere…I don’t know if it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, but at this point it’s the only thing that I know to do, to both avoid pushing him away and to avoid giving him anything to hurt me with…it might sound strange but he has before told me “it’s over” only to apologize in an hour and tell me “I don’t ever want to lose you.”…it took him meeting a new girl to decide he did indeed want to lose me…but I know that one way he has, in the past, manipulated me, is by taking away something he knows I truly love…himself.
And I think Katrina that you are on the right road btw…because you do know the consequenses of your actions, and also because you have genuine remorse for them…and believe me that speaks volumes for your character…accepting our own issues, and being willing to make attempts to better ourselves, even with serious issues such as bipolar…makes a huge difference ultimately.
Thank you again
Dear Going in Circles,
I feel exactly like you do. At least you can still talk with him and get some idea of what is going on.
My boyfriend has cut me off completely, threatening me with a restraining order if I should ever call, write or email him. I guess that’s his way of making sure he doesn’t have to ever see me or talk to me. It is so cruel and so painful. This is the guy that was calling me two or three times a day and telling me he loved me. He and I were making plans to do things together the very day he called the police to get me off his property.
He is not seeing anyone as far as I know, although he does go out to the pub every day and I am sure he’s looking for someone else.
As far as your boyfriend having a life of wine and roses with the other girl, it will only last until he does the same thing to her that he did to you. I can’t believe that he won’t repeat the same pattern. It’s bound to happen and he will devastate her life too.
I feel the same way as you do about it though, even though rationally I know it can’t be true. For three months I have been beating myself up mentally, about the way I look, the way I am as a person, thinking that if I only looked or acted a certain way, he would still be with me. But I don’t think it’s about us at all.
Just like you, I would love to know when my boyfriend is coming back to me. It has been the longest three months of my life without him. I have been depressed and unable to live the way I did before he came into my life. I fell head over heels in love with this guy. He knew it. He told me he felt the same way.
Josie
dear going.
thank you for that. i know that i pushed her too far. im not sure why. maybe its cause i did not realise the effect it had on her. or my mum for that matter sound stupid now. but i did not. i am starting to realise things i do. like for instance i got really frustrated at my friends today cause i was thought i said a full story to them. but infact i just said two words. i asked them if i have always done that and they said yes. i asked my mum to be brutelly honest with me as she is going thru seperation with her bf as he does not understand bipolar and when im really bad with it i need my mum and she was and for once in the whole memory i did not take it personally i listened and empathised and talked instead of shouting and screaming and saying awful nasty things. im also learning that when im not going thru a cycle that i need to carry on consistanly with the cbt (i cant take meds) that the people surrounding me needs support as much as i do. i think im pretty sure i have fully accepted i have this disease that it is apart of me not something seperate. that i have always had it from being a child and its not going to disapear over night how much i want it too. i only realise i realised this earlier. but i also know that i cant change the past. i only hope that one day i can sit down with my ex and explain all of this for her. try and help her to understand how very sorry i am for this. putting her thru this.
I do know that the life of wine and roses thing is all in my mind…believe me…sometimes he is like a kid, or adolescent better word…he’s very rough and can be very clingy one minute then very cold the next…he can be the most unreasonable human being that I swear I have ever met…he can say one thing and then forget he said it and say something else, and get mad at me for “misunderstanding”…he would often accuse me of cheating on him…or tell me I was looking for someone else…always telling me “You’re going to leave me.”….he went back and forth between me and his ex for some time as well…he is like 2 sides of a coin…and frankly, though I am sure she has seen mostly his charming side, I do know that most women could not deal with what he will put one thru…especially not just a few short months after meeting him…remember they met and moved in together within a few weeks…and he can be very overwhelming…
As for being able to communicate with him…that isn’t always a lot of help…because he is a master of mixed signals…and the more I know, the less I know it seems…at this point I think there is maybe a 50/50 chance he’ll be back…because he has left me and come back before…because he knows that I accept him and love him not despite of his quirks but also because of them…but he might not come back because of the pain he did cause me…and because he met her…I don’t know…
There’s this song…it goes “And I’ve done everything I know to try and make you mine, and I think I’m gonna miss you for a long, long time.”…and it really fits…because even when they are around, we still miss parts of them.
And Katrina…time can be a great mender…and we never know what tomorrow holds…but you seem to have strength and I do know that helps.
And one more thing…there’s a small part of me that tells me to just cut my losses and walk away completely…and yet a bigger part of me that tells me not to…to stick around because I do love him and he’s gonna need a true friend at some point…and I don’t quite know which part to listen to…the stick around part seems to prevail…but then we have a long history…and it’s hard to walk away from so many years.
dear going.
what you said about how your ex treat you. is exactly what my ex said i treat her like. the communication massivly so. i find it hard to talk to people when im not right cause i have “rushing” thoughts where il be thinking a million things at once. its confusing and frustrating. but no excuse. it was just with her tho. with my mum too. its like. i can only pick out certain words of the convo. its like. i think i said summit when i didnt and it comes out ALL wrong.
Yeah, I think he does that too.
There is one significant difference in him leaving this time and before…this time he got caught in his lies…and he can’t really lie his way out of it…not just by me, but by his ex as well…which is why I’m not sure if he’ll come back…I know he has alot of guilt…he knows he hurt me badly this time…but he also knows I’m very forgiving…he went between being angry with me for “telling” his new girl about his lies, to telling me he doesn’t blame me for it because he hurt me so badly.
He knows that I have forgiven him(I have a forgiving nature)…I told him I still believe he is my soulmate(and I do)
It’s strange, I’m rather lost without him…and I guess I don’t understand how he isn’t lost without me…but I guess that’s just the way it goes.
try dealing with someone whom is bi polar,narcis., bpd now thats something
Are you sure we’re not talking about the same person?
The guy who dropped me callously without ever calling me again for three months may have had both bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder.
He is into sports cars and everything he has or does or whomever he has in his life has to be important or beautiful. The most beautiful of course.
I am so hurt I guess because of the way he cut me out of his life. By calling the police when I showed up at his place. I’m not even allowed to call him or email or whatever because he has threatened a restraining order against me. This after he had been the one pursuing me and calling me endlessly and telling me he loved me.
I feel so sick about it.
When I see him now, if I ever do, he pretends he doesn’t see me. It’s crazy.
What do you think?
I totally agree with the very 1st lady that posted…She said, “Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.” I didn’t no anyone else felt that way. I have been diagonosed with severe depression, borderline personality disorder, anixety, and bipolar 1. As I speak, I am currently having a “episode” I feel the feeling of hatred. I don’t trust men. I believe all men cheat given the right time and the right chance. Nobody will ever change my way of thinking about that. I have been in 2 relationships. The 1st guy I met when I was 18. After 3 years together we had a baby girl. We were together a total of 5 years. He had alot of head problems as well. I feel I really didn’t have any problems until I met him. I was young and impressionable. I had had a extremley difficult childhood, with a mother who I felt never wanted me. Always pushing me off to the side. Choosing men over me. Giving me up to the state when I was 12. Had me in numerous group homes and foster homes. Shortly after I met him, he started to slowly abuse me. First verbally with his paranoia and accusations. Then, slowly beating me physically. I remember the 1st time he hurt me. He slapped me across the face which stunned me. I started to cry. Not because of the pain, but because his actions hurt . He then told me to stop crying. Placed his hand over my nose and mouth. Held me in his room for an hour in fear of me telling on him. After that the beatings were frequent. He later got SSI for having mental illness. I feel that he created a monster in me. That I was ruined forever. That no one could ever want me after what he did to me. He pushed me over the edge til I snapped. He really did a number on me. After 5 years I left him. I met someone 3 months later. After knowing this new guy for 1 month I moved to FL with him. I was so messed up in my head, that I felt that I needed an escape so bad. I felt that I needed superman to save me. As soon as I moved outta state with this new guy, he started beating me too. It happened within’ days of being in my new location. I thought my ex had beat me bad. I didn’t know what a beating was til I was with this guy. He had mentally, physcially, and emotionally abused me. He broke my nose twice, choked me out, broke stuff over my face, left bruises on me all the time, cut off all my hair, drilled a hole in my leg, and among many more things. He also made me stop working due to his jealousy and to keep a close eye on me. I never ever cheated. I was so loyal and good to him. He would hurt me so bad mentally, that I would walk around for days like a zombie. Feeling no emotion at all. Every chance I got to be alone was a chance to kill myself. I ended up in a mental hospital for 4 days. I ended up leaving him after 2 years. I met him at 23 years old and am now 26. I had taken my last punch from him. The last time he hit me was a severe blow to my ribs, leaving knuckle bruise marks. I am now on disability for bi-polar. I just want people to know that no matter how much you love somebody, you cant make them love u back. Love is deaf, dumb, and blind. This is a part of my favorite scripture in the bible…. 1 Corinthians 13. Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous it does not brag does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for it’s own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Now… there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Even though this verse says love is long-suffering I know it’s not talking about staying with someone that beats you. I just want people to know that it is NEVER ever a good idea to stay with someone that beats you. No matter how much you think you love him or vise versa. If I can leave a relationship like this, you can leave too. Life is to short to be unhappy.
HELLO EVERYONE
THIS IS GOING TO BE A LENGHTY STORY…SORRY
ABOUT IN THE YEAR 2002 I MET THIS MAN. HE HAD HIS OWN
BUSINESS. THE MOST LOVING AND FUN TO BE AROUND,ALMOST A FAIRYTALE (THAT SHOULD HAD BEEN THE FIRST SIGN), ALSO HE HAD NO FRIENDS (ANOTHER SIGN).I TOOK MY TIME TO GET TO KNOW 1 YEAR (WE WERE
TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS). DURING THE DATING PROCESS
I NOTICE EXCESSIVE DRINKING (ANOTHER SIGN). NOW I DIDN’T GROW UP AROUND EXCESSIVE DRINKERS NOR ALCOHOLICS. IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND YEAR, I MOVED IN. STILL HE WAS A LOVING AND CARING MAN. IN THE START OF THE THIRD YEAR. I STARTED FINDING OUT FROM HIM AND HIS MOTHER, FAMILY SECRETS THAT HAPPENED 30 YEARS AGO ( THESE PEOPLE HOLD GRUDGES).
THEN ONE NIGHT AFTER HIS HEAVY DRINKING, THE FOLLOWING MORING HE DECIDES TO CALL ALL RELATIVES OF HIS AND REVEAL THE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED THAT 30 YEARS AGO. THE INCIDENT IS THAT HE CAUGHT HIS DAD SLEEPING WITH HIS MOMS SISTER. I TRIED TO STOP HIM, BUT COULD NOT PREVAIL. HIS MOM HAD DONE SOME STRANGE THIS ALSO (WOW LOOK AT THESE SIGNS). NOW HIS RELATIVES DO NOT TALK TO HIM.THERE WAS A TIME THAT HE TRIED TO KILL US, BY DRIVING THE CAR OVER AN ENBANKMENT. THANK GOD FOR GUARDRAIL (SIGN, SIGN, SIGN) ANOTHER TIME HE LEFT ME 30 MILES AWAY FROM HOME, AFTER I PUMPED GAS INTO THE CAR (I HAD TO CALL A FRIEND TO PICK ME UP. LOOK AT ALL THESE SIGNS. BUT YOU SEE I GREW UP IN AN AREA THAT PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND CARING SO I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT BIPOLAR WAS. I GUEST PEOPLE WERE JUST TO BUSY,SO IT WAS NOT IN MY FACE.
THEN HE HIRED A GIRL AT HIS BUSINESS, AND I STARTED TO NOTICE HE STARTED TO BECOME HER. WHAT I MEAN HE TOOK ON HERE PERSONALITY. WHAT EVERY SHE LIKE, HE LIKE. WHAT EVERY FOOD SHE EAT , HE HATE, JUST WATCHING HIM BECOME HER WAS BIZARRE. HE STARTED TO NEGLECT ME. BUT WITH HIM AND HER IT WAS HE JUST WANTED HER PERSONALITY. THEN I LOOK BACK AND HE DID THE SAME TO ME. I WOULD TELL HIM SOME OF THE FUNNY THINGS I DID. AND THEN HE AND I WOULD GO OUT WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS AND HE WOULD TELL THE SAME STORY, ONLY TO SAY HE DID IT WITH MORE DETAILS.
SIGN,SIGN,SIGN,ETC). THEN THE GIRL HE HIRED HAD A FALLOUT 1 1/2 YEARS AFTER EMPLOYMENT. AFTER SHE LEFT HE BECAME ME AGAIN. 1 YEAR LATER HE HIRED ANOTHER GIRL AND THE SAME THING.
THEN CAME THE EPI’S (EPISODES)
HE WOULD ACUSE ME OF LOOKING AT SOMEONE, WHEN I WAS READING A BOOK AT HOME YET. HE WOULD SAY OUT OF THE CLEAR-BLUE “WHAT DID I DO THAT”, I WOULD SAY WHAT, HE WOULD SAY”YOU KNOW WHAT(NOT TELLING ME WHAT I DID). HE WOULD TRY TO SET ME OFF IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, SO THEY WOULD THINK I WAS CRAZY OR HAD ANGER ISSUES. THEN I WOULD GET THE SILENT TREATMENT. THERE WAS A TIME WE DIDN’T TALK FOR 4 MONTHS NOT KNOWING WHAT I DID. HE WOULD ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING, AND WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM NO, I DIDN’T, HE BECAME EVEN MORE ANGRY. THE ONLY TIME HE GOT PHYSICAL IS WHEN, I STOPPED ARGUING WITH AND KEPT QUITE,HE THRU A GLASS BOTLE OF CATSUP AT ME( I DID WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY “WHICH IS NOT TO ARGUE BACK, WELL YOU SEE WERE THAT GOT ME).
I WENT TO HIS MOM FOR HELP(SHE IS IN DENIAL, BECAUSE BLOOD IS THICKER THEN WHAT) AND SHE SAYS I’M THE PROBLEM. NOW THATS F**KUP. HE ALSO PLAYED ME AGAINST HER AND VICE VERSA, SO INTERVENTION COULDN’T BE DONE.
AFTER 2 YEARS OF THIS I LEFT FOR 3-4 MONTHS.
THEN WE STARTED TO TALK, BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO KNOW I DIDN’T MOVE ON. HE MANIPULATED ME TO COME BACK(WRONG,WRONG). THINGS WERE FIND FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS. AND THEN THE WORST THING HE DID WAS DONE.
AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK I CAME HOME AND FOUND HIM HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE. EVEN AFTER HE NOTICED ME HE KEPT GOING. AND THIS IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER OF THIS HORRID BOOK OF MY LIFE.
WOW,NOONE DESERVES THAT.I SEE IT IN MY GIRLS EYES WHEN SHE IS MANIC AND ANGRY,AND I KNOW HOW BITTER SHE CAN GET,AND THE RETALLIATION SHE CAN MUSTER UP. YOUR GOOD PEOPLE,GET AWAY,AND STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO COULD DO THIS TO YOU! GOOD LUCK,AND ALL THE BEST,
Although I am not with my bipolar ex, we broke up about 6 months ago and have spoken a handful of times since then (very brief conversations), i still check this site from time to time to remind myself that walking away was the best thing i could have done for myself. I wont relive all the stories but you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. There were signs but at the times, we all probably just dismissed it as odd or bizarre and kept it moving. My ex would also excuse me and everyone around her of stealing her things. (paranoia). Everyone else was always the bad guy out to get her and ruin her (paranoia)…
…I remember her telling me a story about being pregnant and got so mad at her husband at the time that she broke glass and cut him with it. (you would think that this would be enough for me to say, laterz). Again, hindsight is 20/20. We were together for a total of 2 and a half years. Things were very rocky and she was quite unstable. I always found in remarkable that it was easy for her to leave her husband of 4 years, together for like 11..only relationship she had at the time to be with me. In fact, her and i met..she divorced and kicked him out the house in under a year. I thought she did it out of love for me. But what person can go from one life to the next so quickly?? That in itself should have said something but again, she loved me. 2 and a half years into the relationship i found out she was carrying on something with a good friend of mine behind my back. I left and never looked back. Last i heard she uprooted out of the town she’s spent all 32 years of her life to be with my friend, across the county, her “soulmate”. Again, moving from one life so quickly to the next. Bizarre!!! She was open with me in the beginning…stated she had major depression, which was later upgraded to bipolar. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was borderline as well. Like one of the posters, she seems to “like” the things the person she’s with likes.
I’m rambling now..but being with her for 2 and a half years..brought on my own anxities (her moods swung so often i never knew what to expect). I went threw a period of depression, was on antidepressants as well as sleeping medications. I discontinued the antidepressants after a month because one, i knew the depression was situational (situation being her) and two, they made me irritable. I had difficulties sleeping, i guess due to being anxious all the time, so i was on the sleeping pills for almost a year. After being away from her completely for six months, i am not longer on the sleeping pills and sleep fine at nights. I miss her terribly (don’t ask why) from time to time. But know going back to that would be death for me. She was very unstable. Oh, and like the poster above mentioned, my ex..i found out through a mutual friend, told them incidents of “bad things” i did to her. for example, threatening suicide when she tried to leave me. Thing is, i never did, she was the one. also telling them that i smacked her one time…funny thing is, i never touched her. she did rough me up once. and all sorts of lies. it was so amazing to me. the levels of her lies and manipulations.
sorry for the long post…just thought i’d share….
Here’s my question for the day…
If a bp guy really had no feelings for his former lover anymore, why would they make it a point to tell that woman, repeatedly, “I really did love you.”? and “I still love you, it’s just different now.”?
I mean, if you really don’t love someone, why bother to even tell them that much?
I have been reading this blog for past 2 weeks. I couldnt believe when i read. Like reading back my life. I couldnt stop crying. Ive been thinking how to condense everything that has happened but i just cant. I miss her today. Her smell. I never knew much about bi polar until she told me. I will admit i shrugged it off in the beginning as i just thought that the way she was been was normal and natural. I am not a jealous person but we all have our insecurities and trust issues and at first i thought it was. I was in so deep and she told me about been abused, self harm and been in rehab. I wasnt scared by any of this nor did i ever judge her like she thought i did. We were on and off in most of our relationship. We broke up about a month ago after 2 years. It was different this time as the trust has gone. She too gets lost in her lies and forgets things she has said. Apologises for pushing me away and saying cruel things bit how much can one person take? I acknowledged that it was a problem i always encouraged her to be positive and made allowances even when i shouldnt have done. I feel so alone. Like i have no one to talk to. I feel like a broken record and at times i would lie to those close to me about some of teh problems because i know what they will say walk away, you deserve better etc but they dont understand, some of them do. the ones that did have been my towers of strength but they not around so much now. I lie to my family. They ask if im ok and i say yes. I havent even told them its over. They dont know the extent of her problem. Im not ashamed but i get upset when people are judgemental because they can never see her the way i do. Everyone says she needs help. Ive always said this and even when i try to help she doesnt see. I keep asking how can i love her so much when she can say mean nasty things to me and disrespect me. She never trusted me and never had any reason not to cos i was still am so in love with her. But i cant have her. I could handle some of her episodes they were tolerable. I felt like i grew to learn some things and knew when to walk away some times. But she pushed pushed me. I dont feel like im myself anymore. I feel sad i used to be so bouncy and positive. Ive been ok in her absence but i feel so weird cos ive never been in this position before. I love her so much but i just dont know whats real. I dont know if that love was ever real at times as she has been so selfish and insensitive. She treats me as the enemy now to make it easier for herself when it was her actions that did this. She feels like im giving up on her but am i? What do you do seriously? She has got better in lots of ways and i acknowledged that but i dont feel like she tried enough to understand the consequences of her actions. I HAVE to think about myself cos i never have before cos i was starting to breakdown again. Its always been about her and it still is cos she continues even now to manipulate every situation. I know she is good i wouldnt still love her otherwise. I see it in her. God no one has ever made my heart beat as fast as she can. It was love alright. Thanks for reading my ramble but i had to vent some of this baggage im carrying.
HERE ARE THE SIGNS THAT I FOUND IN MY BP EX-
1. ALCOHOLISM
2. NO FRIENDS
3. EXCESSIVE DAY DREAMING
4.MANIPULATION
5.ALIENATING PEOPLE FROM EACH TO PREVENT INTERVENTION
6.LYING
7.SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE(UNSAFE SEX)
8.ACCUSING YOU OF WEIRD THINGS
9.SELF MEDICATION
10.CAN NOT SLEEP
11.PUTTING YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU CRY(SENSE OF POWER)
12.BECOMES PEOPLE WHOM SHOW HIM ATTENTION
13.STAYS IN SECULSION
14.MESSY HOUSEKEEPING(AFTER YOU CLEANED UP AFTER HIM
15.BUMBARDS YOU WITH WEIRD THINGS SO YOU CANNOT THINK
16.TRY TO MAKE YOU HIM
17.DON’T EAT PROPERLY
18.AND NOW TAKES DRUGS.
IF I CAN HELP ANYONE HERE PLEASE LET ME KNOW!
I have been with my wife for about 11yrs. We have been married for 9. In the first year of our relationship I didn’t thing we would make it. She was mad all the time, and had no accountibility for money. She would shop and hide what she bought in her trunk of her car, and back of the closet. She had more pairs of shoes then the shoe dept. at Macy’s.
She then went and got checked out. Her Dr. perscribed effexor. After starting her new meds, a happy, understanding, and responcible person emerged. For the next nine years we had a great marrage, I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. We grew together physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife was married before we met, and had a daughter. She was 1 years old when we met. I have always loved her like she was my own. In 2004 we had a son. We were finally financially secure, and our life looked like it came out of a novel. My wife always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.
About a year and a half ago she started getting mad at everything and becoming depressed all the time. At the time my mother was in our house and probably going to stay for a while. This was depressing to me as well so I just assumed thats what caused it. Then she became more distant, and started hiding her phone. Things got really rocky, but we seemed to get through it. Then I got a call from the wife of her co-worker telling me she had an affair with her husband. Things went downhill, trust was broken, and I didnt know if I could get over it. She begged me not to leave her. She never really reassured me about my importance in her life, so getting over the affair was a long road. Then I found a letter she wrote to herself discribing her love and desire for one of our neighbors. she claimed that she was just trying to get a stupid thoughts out so she could laugh at it and not look back. Yeah right!
Her attitude became worse, to the point all I could think about is leaving her. Then 6 mo. ago she goes to a new Dr. and get diagnosed Bipolar Manic depression. She was put on differant med and was told the Effexor she was on only last for 5-6 years before the body is immune to it. For the nent few weeks everything was back to normal, then it started to slip back. Her meds were up’d four times. Every time it was up’d things were good for a week, then back down.
Now two weeks ago she comes home and sais she is moving out and already put a deposit down on a apartment. She said that she needed to find her own identity. I was understanding and tried to be supportive. Then a few days later she says she doesn’t want to pretend we are still married and doesnt want to touch me or kiss me anymore. Now my whole world is being ripped out from underneath me. Between then and now she has gone from saying she loves me and doesnt want to hurt me, to she hates me, and is lying to everyone that will listen to her. She refuses to get checked out again, or change or add meds. Now I have proof she has feelings for a 21 yr old “punk” that works for her. History is just repeating itself one more time. She got another secret phone, and wants a divorce as fast as possible so she can move on. I can’t fight it anymore. I have tured to her family for help, and they all know she has issues, but still sided with her and turned there backs on me.
Now Im stuck living with a woman thats openlly hates me for the next four weeks until her apartment is ready. Just three weeks ago we were on the couch cuddling laughing, and watching law and Order. She now blames me for everything and belives the lies she is telling eveyone.
Is there a chance of her ever finding her old self?
I forgot one of the most important issues. We are both 39. She only befriends people 25yrs old or younger, and her oldest friendship is may be 6mos. These are the people she confides in, and looks for support, and advice.
Marc,
I have been dealing with a similar issue…the best I can tell you is this…bipolar people do have a tendacy to suddenly need change…mine is undiagnosed but he too jumped out a few weeks ago to go live with someone he had just met and barely knew…she knew about me because I told her but didn’t care…he is living with her now but he doesn’t act altogether happy…it isn’t the first time he has left me…
I was told that he’ll be back, because he finds my presense a comfort, because he has done this sort of thing before and came back to me…at this point I don’t know if he will or not…but mine knows that I know he has issues, and that I accept him not just for the good, but for the bad as well, and that I love him anyway.
I suspect that your wife knows that she can pretty much get away with any behavior with you…and that you will accept her because you know she has issues…you might try this…sit down and write her a little letter, not all full of emotions, but rather simply tell her “Hey, I understand that you need your space, everyone gets to a point where they need to re-evaluate, and I accept that. I love you, but I accept your decision and I hope that we can still remain friends.” and leave it at that…because that isn’t pushing or pressuring, but it also isn’t begging her to come home. She might figure it out soon, it might take her awhile, but there’s probably better than a 50/50 chance she will. In the mean time, find support for yourself(I joined the great support group that Katrina told us about in a post above)…and just take things day by day because I am sure we all know that, with a person who is bipolar or who has issues like this, tomorrow really can bring a drastic change.
I really understand what you’re going through, buddy. I know how hard it is. You ain’t alone either, there’s alot of us in your shoes who keep asking ourselves “Why? What did I do?” but I don’t think that we really did do anything so bad. Nothing bad enough to deserve what we’re dealing with. Just hang in there, and remember, one day at a time.
Oh, one more thing Marc…you have kids…I was the child of 2 bipolar parents and it is ROUGH when you’re a kid in that position…so of course you have to be there for them and that makes it doubly hard…but I have found it can also make it easier too…take the kids places like the movies or out for hot dogs or to the park…it will take all of your minds off of it and it will also give the kids a sense of comfort knowing they have your stability to count on. Let them know that Mom is having a rough time right now but it’ll be ok. And just enjoy them, because you know kids are a gift.
I spoke to her online the other day. I thought it was safe too. I just said hi. Even after the name calling and the things that she said about me why still now do i miss her so terribly? I said i had to go but she asked me to stay and talk to me. I was scared cos she would manipulate me and blame me for talking to her but she said no she wont shout. I tried to explain how nervous i get talking to her cso im so scared shes gonna use it against me and not acknowledge my feelings and that i care. She knows how much she can hurt me. Anyway i had to leave as my friend was coming round and i needed to be with someone cos i felt weak and then she rang and started crying asking why i do this to her and to not be in contact with her. The following day she excessiveyl rang me and blamed me when she promised she wouldnt calling me a head fuck and that i make her worse. She keeps sayign that i make her bi polar worse but i know that i dont i just have to keep telling myself that. I was driving my car when she was ringing i text saying couldnt talk my battery gonna die. Then im in the supermarket. I answer shes screaming at me crying blaming me. She wants me to breakdown, shes blaming me again for her hurt. What about fucking mine?? Says her friends coming together and im just scared what they will think of me because they will know its me thats done this to her. I say fine i really cant be in your life can i? Any sort of communication is ruined and pushing me further away. Granted it was me who say said hello first but she said it was ok. She makes me feel in a safe environment so i talk and then when i do she throws it back in my face. I hate this. I love her. Why do i miss her? I feel like im breaking down all over again. I dont know what to do. Ive never been in situation where relationship has to end for my well being but i miss and love her so much. Im forgetting the nice part of her, the part that loved me. Please help me. Am i really pathetic like she thinks i am?
You aren’t pathetic…she’s trying to control you.
A friend and I were talking about fear and how manipulators use fear to control people…
For example, a person knows that we love them and are afraid of losing them…so they in turn remove themselves from us to hurt us, because by making us scared and hurt, by making us second guess ourselves, they control our mind and, in a wierd since, stop us from moving on…they “leave” us so that we won’t really leave them…it keeps their options open…by confusing us and making us afraid all the time, they keep us in their pocket where no one else can slip in and take us away.
It’s a rather sick and twisted thought…but I could see my friends point because in a way it makes sense.
So no, you aren’t pathetic and she doesn’t really think you are…in all likelihood she is very dependant on you being around for her, but she doesn’t know how to keep you around just by loving you, so instead she turns it into a game where she manipulates your emotions and your mind so that you’ll be to confused to truly leave her.
Thanks Circles,
That makes sense. After the weekends events i agreed to meet her tonight but when i got to wrk this morning i realised i had double booked myself and i couldnt really get out of it as i promised a mate i would see her band with my friend and we bought tickets. Its stupid cos i was looking forward to seeing her as well even though i knew it would probably end badly. Anyway i text asking if i could see her tomorrow instead and that i was really sorry, even said i would try and get out of it but didnt wanna let my friends down as i promised id go. I knew she would go crazy and she did. ” Fuck you i cant believe you done this, you make me ill, you make me worse, i knew you would let me down, and that ive ruined any sort of chance of been in her life etc. She was blaming me for the breakdown in this relationship when i know thats not true. Have to keep telling myself im good and not bad like she says i am. She had me in tears at work again and i felt so stupid cos people just dont understand and everyone asking me whats wrong all the time. I thought i was been reasonable. I could of seen her tomorrow or some other time but in back of my mind i knew she would react like that was just hoping she wouldnt. I didnt wanna stand my friend up cos she been so good to me in all of this and she thought she was been ridiculous so i would of just looked weak if i cancelled on her especially after how nasty and irrational she was been. She said i know how she reacts to been “rejected”. Just feels like everything is “bi polar” now, like im supposed to know how she reacts therefore i must deserve to be treat like shit as a punishment if i “reject” her as she calls it. I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop crying. Its horrible. I cant live with her and cant live without either. She did this to us. I hate her for breaking my heart but i love her. She says sorry for the things she has done so why does she keep dragging me through shit. She doesnt understand at all and made no attempt to understand what it was like for me then and what it is like for me now.
Well honey, she keeps dragging you through shit because she’s sick…it sounds like shes rapid cycling right now(if you don’t know what that term means, google it so you can get an understanding)…and she doesn’t understand because it’s part of her illness and she’s in denial about it…and she knows you love her very well, believe me, by keeping you in chaos you don’t have time to think about anything but her…you go out with your friends, she finds a way to ruin it and make you feel guilty so you won’t have a good time because you’ll be thinking about her…
Right now, I am dealing with a man who I have no doubt loves me, but who is so stuck on a decision he made while manic that he won’t admit he made a mistake, even though it is going to cost him me …and there’s nothing else that I can do or say to him…it doesn’t get through…ane he is will to trade in a relationship and a person that he has spent years with for one that he barely knows…and I look at it this way…if after all these years of loving each other, if he can truly fall in love with someone else literally over night and just walk away from his best friend, then it just wasn’t meant to be and I really do deserve more…
Try to put it in this perspective…if you know in your heart of hearts that you have done your best, then you really can’t do anything else, and you haven’t done anything wrong.
Dear Circles,
Im really sorry to hear that you sound really grounded and understanding. Its weird cos after been in this relationship ive learnt that im stronger and mroe patient than i ever realised but on the other hand i am very weak also. The fact that i keep allowing myself to be in a situation that is bad for me.
I do know in my heart of hearts that i have tried my best. I would of been willing to do couple counselling whatever it took but she wasnt doing enough and she should be going that extra mile after all. I acknowledge that she has an illness but when things go wrong and she calms down she doesnt take responsibility or attempt to understand what has happened or why she has upset me so much. I sympathise with what you said about decision making when manic. Its hard enough to hear things in a manic state and its figuring out whats true and real. That what im struggling with now. Did she ever really love me as much as she said or can she see im a good person, a keeper so to speak. Really not blowing my own trumpet there but im trying to tell myself i am good cos she brings me down with her words and i know my heart is in the right place. People tell me i worry too much and think about other people as apposed to myself. Im a worrier a people pleaser and i think she saw that in me. The chaos theory is so true. I had a health scare couple of weeks back and when i got the all clear i was so relieved just wanted to chill and have a drink with my friend. We seperated at this point but even then she made it about her and how it had been so hard for her (this was before i got the all clear too!) which resulted in her ruining my evening and me in tears. Again.
You do deserve more as do i. Just have to keep tellign ourselves that but what do you do when your heart is still with them and probably always will be? Thanks for your kind words.
Hey the Beatles said “In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”…that’s why we stay, because we love them and love is never a bad thing…do we deserve more? Maybe…but so do they…and this illness isn’t their fault…and because we’re the ones they love the most we’re also the ones that they emotionally beat up…because when you love somebody you expect them to just take it…hang in there…I won’t tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier.
What got easier for you? The relationship or the getting over it? Its really hard to get over a relationship this way because its not “normal” circumstances is it. Its not like the person the person is been a dick as its not their fault but sometimes i find it hard to differentiate the difference between the qualities of the person and the illness. I saw her last night for first time in weeks and we spoke. It was nice but so many unresolved issues and questions in my head but is there any point in answering them as i know the answer. Its the trust and the lies that i struggle with even when things are calm. We ended up sleeping together. The chemistry is still so amazing and intense. It was so amazing but both know we cant go back. Im scared its gonna get thrown back at me though i said that beforehand but who knows. Feel like i should be the strong one in that way as im not cursed with this illness but i cant control my own emotions right now either. Nice Beatles quote by the way. Very fitting.
I found this website a few days ago and have found much comfort in it.
My fiance and I have been together for nearly 13 years. I knew he was bipolar from the outset but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I really ever noticed how this affected him. It wouldn’t manifest itself by him being angry, but rather ignoring me – for days. The first time it happened for 3 days in a row. We’d planned to go out one evening but when he was late I would call and text him, but be completely ignored everytime. It didn’t make sense especially when we were happily talking just a few hours before and looking forward to going out. When he did turn up 3 days later he said that he didn’t realise at the time that he was ignoring me, but then he started to feel bad and seemed full of regret. I forgave him as I was just pleased to have him safe and sound.
He has ignored me for days on ends since then, but these episodes could be 6+ more months apart. However, it’s happening again and I just feel so confused. We live together but since we were having some work done at home I went to stay with my parents for a few days while he went to stay with some friends (his friends, I don’t know them). We called and texted eachother for the first 2 days, then nothing. I asked him if he would be coming back home that night but didn’t get a reply and he never did come home. The only way I knew he was “safe” was by checking his Facebook. He had been happily posting messages there in the past 10 days that he has ignored me. My heart sunk and I thought that was it, we were over. But, this behaviour just wasn’t his style. If we had problems then we’d talk them out and if he wanted it to end I always asked him to give it to me straight and not play games. So, this just doesn’t feel like him at all.
It wasn’t until I found this site and read the comments that I figured that maybe it’s a bipolar episode he’s going through that is making him push me away as it seems to be a common problem. I know he has started drinking alcohol quite a lot lately and takes Prozac for his depression – and I can’t imagine they compliment eachother well. It’s quite out of character for him to be like that as usually he is sensible where alcohol is concerned.
I just need some hope. I have tried calling him but it goes to voicemail, I have texted him but got no reply so I don’t know where to go from here. Again, this is the complete opposite to how he, the man I fell for, would behave so I can’t help think it’s related to his bipolar. For the most part he’s under control, although does get moody/distant sometimes, but never to the point of ignoring me completely for 10 days straight. I keep looking for reasons: did I say or do anything wrong? No, things were fine and completely normal.
Feeling really hurt and hopeless about it. Trying to be strong but sometimes I just break down in disbelief at what is happening.
I also meant to add, I don’t know whether I should continue to pursue him or let him be. The hardest thing is waiting: wondering whether he will call or text me; wondering whether he will come home tonight as if nothing is wrong. That’s usually how his 2-3 day disappearances would end. He would walk in as if nothing was wrong and would be quite surprised at how upset I was for being ignored. Part of me thinks that if I don’t pursue him then he’ll think I don’t care. I want to be here for him, but after 10 days of this emotional turmoil I’m just not sure that I could take it happening again. I’d even take closure, as long as I could get some rest from this constant ache in my heart.
Polly-
I guess time helped me, he’s been gone about 2 months now. It took me awhile to wrap my mind around what happened…this is the man that I believed would never stop loving me…I still believed that the day he left…because I had no real hint that he was going to leave me for someone else…and for all of his issues, that he would move out of my bed and into hers in a day…out of our house and into hers in a couple of weeks…that he would go from wanting to know where I was every minute of the day one day…to not caring where I was and telling me to “Get over it and find someone else” the next…well it’s still not something that I understand…but I see now that it’s an illness, just like cancer or malaria…but this is a lifelong illness that never goes away…and he will always be sick…
This man was willing to trade what he called “The best thing that ever happened to me.” for something that he didn’t even really know…and that’s what made it easier for me…because as I sat here one day the realization hit me, that if he would truly rather work on something that he has had in his life for a whole 8 weeks, than to try and salvage something he has had for 8 years, then it truly is time for me to move on, and ultimately it will be his loss…I know that I have reached my own hand out more than half way…I have forgiven him for lying, cheating, and broken promises…for treating me like a second-hand person…for putting me on the bottom of his totem pole where there might always be someone better that he should persue, just in case the new really might be better than what he already had…and I am kind, and strong, and loving, and arguably the most laid back, easy going, and accepting person in the world…I am willing to work around his issues, help him solve them, willing to have an open relationship if that’s what he needs sexually…and willing to accept him for the good and the bad…and to trust him with my heart…and to just be his friend if thats what he needs…but that’s all I have, that’s as far as I can reach, I can’t extend my hand any further…because I have been as willing to meet his needs as any human being could ever be expected to be…and that is still not enough.
Sam-
In the time since mine has left, I have started finding myself and I tell ya what, he could do alot worse. I remind myself of that every day…and I listen to music about moving on in life…and I accept that it’s just time for me to do just that…move on….I used to be afraid to that mine would think I didn’t care anymore…of course I still do…but you can’t show someone you care who doesn’t want to see it…the best way that you can show them anything at all is to show them your own strength by starting down lifes road WITHOUT them…he might choose to follow you, and he might now…but either way it’s a road that will lead you wherever it is that YOU need to be.
that should say “He might choose to follow you, and he might not”
A wise man somewhere in the posts above said back off and they will come to us…
But now I know whether he comes back or not, it’ll still be ok.
i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.
anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss
i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.
anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss you
Its 4 o clock in the morning again and i cant sleep. I saw her the other day. We went for dinner. I was so calm, tried so hard to be rational and i was, even though im the one who has been betrayed and lied to. The pushing away, the abuse to an extent i could handle and make allowances for but the lies? How can you consistently continue in a relationship without that? Cos even when the manic has subsided you need trust and healthy conversation to overcome the destruction that has just taken place? Anyway i gave her the chance to explain the lies she has told me. I asked her to explain her side of things but she just couldnt and then more lies were told. She panicked when i asked her a question as i think i caught her out. Not intentionally. I said she was making a choice by been the way she was. If she could not at least explain herself instead shes led me to believe that i am right about her lieing to me. She has had so many opportunites, so many in fact to try. What am i doing? She kept trying to change the subject and manipulate. Making about her, straying away from the questions i had. The same old really. Am i insensitive for losing patience even though i know that my feelings will never be equal to hers? Ever? Ive been trying for years. Its been 2 months now since we broke up really. I wish i could sleep. I wish i didnt miss her so much.
I get that warm feeling when I am pushed away. It is hard not to belive it is me, I am forgetful and late and she makes good points. She is smart and remembers everything though some times I question if her representation of the past isant a little skewed in her favor I love her with all my heart and I just want us to be happy but how? It is a battle I always new you had to fight for what you want but I never thought it would be this hard
I met my fiance 8 months ago. He was the most loving and supportive and kind person I have ever been involved with. After knowing him for about a month, I noticed mood swings with him and he would push me away. He was abused as a child by his father and he was also molested by a neighbor. After he pushed me away, he would come back crying to me and beg for forgiveness, saying he didn’t know what he was thinking. Well, I would always take him back, I love him so much. Well, for several months, everything was great until this past week. He told me that he wants to be alone, that he doesnt want to feel any emotions anymore. That our relationship is not the same to him anymore. Then a couple days after he tells me these things, he asks me for help. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychologist and she talked to him over the phone. (He lives out of state from me) She told me that when she talked to me, he has anger issues that were never resolved with his dad and there is a possibility he is bipolar. After she talked to him, he called me back crying saying that he loved me and never wanted to break up with me. He didnt even remember all the hurtful things he said to me when he broke up me. He has made an appointment with a therapist in a couple days. He told me again how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, and he told me if he pushes me away again, to keep fighting for him, to not give up on him. The next day after that he is angry all day, at everyone and everything. He told me he wants to be a zombie so he doesnt have to feel anything. The day after this, he is depressed and says he “feels weird” about us, and he breaks it off again. I dont know what to do, he hasn’t called me for a day, even though he said he would, I am a wreck emotionally, b/c I know he loves me but these moods change his outlook. My heart is crushed b/c he wont talk to me about his feelings, I am shut off completely. The last time he talked to me, he told me he was thinking clearly about breaking it off with me, but he was acting cold and heartless towards me and I know when he is a normal state of mind, he doesnt act like that. He told me all the times he has told me he loves me or wants to be with me was for my benefit and he didnt want to hurt me. But, yet after the first time he broke up with me, he purchased a ring for me that has an inscripition on it that says “I love you, forever”.
How can someone flip flop their emotions like that so quickly? How can one day they say I love you so much and want you forever and cry to you on the phone and the next day say they dont want anything to do with you? Should I let it go and give him his space? It kills me inside to not hear his voice and talk to him, but I dont want to push him away further. Please help me, I am depressed and need any comments or sugesstions as to what I should do. Thanks.
Hi Nich,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I went through a similar situation, and it’s been so awful. I think that you should carefully think through what a long-term relationship with your finance would be like. Remember that just as he is likely to come back to you, he is just as likely to go push you away again. You have to decide if that is something that you can handle. Having him tell you that he loves you one day and then the next day that he feels nothing for you is very painful.
Hi Nich,
You sound like me 8 months into my relationship with my ex. Its weird calling her an ex cos shes really not. We still love each other so much. In fact im debating whether to see her later because im scared of adding fuel to the fire in our messy complicated break up. You cant stop or force yourself from loving him. Thats what she did to me by pushing me away. They hurt you before they get hurt themselves. I too cant understand how she can say she say she loves me more than anything, that she is sorry for putting me through what she had and then the next day telling me she wants nothing to do with me and that i make her worse. Its so hard cos i know she has an illness but for me it was the inconsistency of her efforts and the way she pushed me away in my attempts to help her get better, show her i was on her side. We broke up on our 2 year anniversary couple of months ago. In that time she has moved home and started on meds. She was having counselling before but was inconsistent and i felt she didnt wholly want to face things and do it for herself. For me only way through this is evaluating my life and what i want out of it. I wanna go travelling so im aiming to do that. Im at a point in my life where i need big change for myself. Try not to blame yourself i do at times. I feel bad for upsetting her and when she blames me and i can see her manipulating i still feel bad for getting angry even though i have every right to. She says i dont understand, that i dont know how to handle her but i do more than she thinks. This website has been a big help for me, just talking to other people about it who going through same thing. I know its hard but try not to react when you get pushed away. Try not to take things personally and as frustrating and hard as it may be try and be rational. If you feel your in a situation where you can see things getting out of hand or a conversation going too far walk away from it and try not to bite back. If he really wants to be with you he has to attempt to understand the impact he can have on you.
Thank you for all the replies. Just an update on my situation, my bf says he went to a counselor and they told him he is not bipolar. Idk if I can believe him or not, b/c when I first called them to set up his apt. they said they cannot do a diagnoses on him, that they are just licensed counselors. He also told me they offered him a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, but when I talked to the receptionist, she insisted to me more than 1x that they cannot write out prescriptions there. When I told him about this, he got angry with me and told me he was not crazy and stopped talking to me for 1 full day. In spoke with him tonight, he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore. Does anyone have any idea how long a mood swing can last? It will be a week on Thursday since he broke it off with me. Everything has to go by his terms, he won’t talk to me on the phone b/c he says I broke his trust when I told him I was going to hurt myself while I was on the phone with him. (I lost total grip w/ reality and had a breakdown, I am now going to counseling for my depression) He just doesn’t seem to understand that I had a breakdown and he can never forgive me for that, he says it was “unforgivable” of me. I still want things to work out with him, I am so codependent on him and I am going to go to group meetings for that too. I don’t think he understands that love changes as relationships mature. I mentioned flying out to see him for his birthday and his mood changed, he was lol and seemed like maybe he would like to see me again. I also think he has a sex addiction, which I believe is another symptom of bipolar disorder. Can the mood swings last a long time? Again, he says he is thinking clearly, but he is not the man I fell in love with.
With me I am not sure if it was a bipolar episode or if he was just a narcissistic, mean person.
We were together for five great months. He told me he loved me and called me two or three times a day. He urged me to leave my unhappy, abusive marriage and was helping me to do that. I did finally move out and he was calling me and inviting me over to his place, as loving and kind as could be. At Christmas he took off his gold chain, the one he wore all the time and put it on me. He told me he loved me so much and I was the most special person in his life except for his son, who he adored. Then on New Year’s Day, he called me twice. We had a very nice, loving conversation and he told me he was going to a get together at a friend’s house. That evening I called him to wish him good night and he said he couldn’t talk because he had a young woman over, who was too drunk to drive home from the party. A red flag went up for me. I don’t know if it’s because I am insecure, or because of the trauma of moving out from my married house just two weeks prior, or because I had an intuition of something wrong, I drove by his house and I saw the woman’s car parked there. My emotions took over and I knocked on the door. She came to the door, but couldn’t unlock it. He never came to the door. When I called later, he yelled at me, calling me a stupid idiot for waking her up. I was his girlfriend and he called me an idiot, and was protecting this other person. I was crying and was devastated. I went back to the apartment and I took off the chain he gave me and put it in an envelope with a note explaining how hurt I was and how I loved him so much, but obviously my feelings were not reciprocated. I dropped it off in his mailbox and her car was still there. I guess I expected him to call me and apologize and tell me he did still care about me. I mean he had told me he loved me that very afternoon. The next day he didn’t call, so I drove over to his place hoping to clear things up. I loved him and still love him so much. We were not only lovers, but best friends. Well, when I got to the door he yelled “What do you want?” as if I was his worst enemy. His eyes looked dark and he didn’t seem his usual self. I said “Please let’s talk.” To which he replied that if I didn’t leave, he would call the police. So he proceeded to call the police. I left, stunned and shattered. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I tried to call him, a few days and a few weeks after the incident to clear things up, and I apologized for whatever I had done, but he threatened me with a restraining order, should I ever contact him again. He had told me he took medication, lithium, and had had electroconvulsive shock therapy once or twice, and saw a mental health centre for therapy a few times a month. Do you guys think that he could have been overwhelmed by me showing up when he had that girl over and flipped in a manic episode? Or does it sound like something a normal man might do to a woman he no longer wants in his life? If so, how could he have loved me at 4:30 pm and then hated me at 9:30 pm? I went from being his lover and best friend to being treated like his worst enemy and a criminal.
Could someone please help me?
I haven’t spoken to him for three months.
Is this it? Is it over forever? Is there one slim chance that if I call him or email him he may be receptive to me? Or do you think he may still try to hurt me with a restraining order?
Thank you for hearing me out. I appreciate any help I can get.
I am stuck in a dark emotional place because of this.
I love him, but can’t contact him. It really sucks.
Pray for him and get on with your life. God bless you!
Hello,
Let me 1st say that I am so relived to have come across this site. I can’t tell how much better I feel about my sitution and know that I am not alone. All these stories are almost exactly what my on again off again bipolar boyfriend does. I would like to share my story when I have more time to write it out, but I just wanted to express my joy in finding this information.
Another update on my bf/fiance who keeps flip flopping on his feelings towards me. I have given up on our relationship, it is over. I have a ton of support from family and friends and I just realize, I need to be happy, I can’t live with him one day loving me and the next not, blaming me for his problems, etc. I needed to cut all ties and move on. Anyone who has any doubt they can’t do it, YOU CAN! Look for support groups in your area, talk to you family, friends anyone who cares about your well-being. You are better than having to go through what you are. I love him and I believe I always will, and if he ever wants to come to me and talk (as friends) I will still be there for him. I just realized, I’m worth more that being in pain everyday. I deserve better and someday I hope to find that person, I thought he was that one, I seriously did, but he won’t get help and I can’t make him do it. Thanks for being here to listen and help.
Nich…
“he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore.”
…I heard the exact same thing more than once…and it’s bullcrap, it isn’t that his love changed rather its that his love for you scares him…and most likely he KNOWS that there is something wrong, he is in denial…bipolar is a definate possibility, especially since he turns things around and makes them about him…to tell you that you “broke his trust” and it was “unforgiveable” that you were going through such a deep depression is completely opposite of how a person should react, he should have been supportive and instead he no doubt made it worse for you…
I am glad that you have decided to move on for your own good…I have been in a situation similar to you for years now…and it has taken me years to get to the point I am now…if he comes home this time, great…if he doesn’t, fine…I will get by and life goes on either way…one thing changed for me, I still want and love him but I don’t need him anymore, not to be happy, not to survive, and not to be whole…your attitude is great, stick with it…you might be surprised, that might be the push it takes for him to sincerely get help, and it might not, but either way you’re going to make it.
Josie…
I have no doubt yours is bipolar, or Borderline Personality, maybe both…
It’s been 3 months though, and I hate to say it Sugar, but you need to quit waiting for him to come to his senses…he might, but he might not…and let me tell you something, they KNOW when we are just waiting with that proverbial candle in the window…and it feeds their ego…don’t think for a minute that he hates you because he doesn’t…he is dwelling in a wierd fantasy world at the moment…maybe at some future point he might come around, but let me ask you a few things, not to answer me, but to ask yourself, because these thoughts really helped me as I mulled them through…
1-With the way he has treated you, and what you now know of his cruelty scale, do you really believe that you can trust him to not shatter your poor little heart again?
2-Are you able, willing, and ready to handle repeat episodes of this IF he does come back to you?
3-Are you willing to spend half of your life with him basking in the light, and the other half curling up in pain in the darkness? Because life with an unmedicated or wrongly medicated bipolar is a half life.
4-He cheated on you, threw you out, took the side of a woman he barely knew over you, called the cops on you, threatened you, and devastated you…don’t you think that you deserve better than that?
5-You have known this man for 8 months and he has already wrecked your world…it won’t change when you have known him for 8 years should he come back…do you love YOURSELF enough to deal with his mood swings, psychotic behavior, and repeating rejection for years? Because if he comes back, he WILL do this again and again, no doubt in my mind that he will. Are you strong enough to handle repeated rejection.
and 6-Do those 5 great months make up for the way he has treated you these last 3 months?
I don’t mean to sound harsh but I KNOW what you are going through right now and it sucks…but you have survived for 3 months now and guess what? You’re still kicking…and dark places are just not groovy places to live…start swimming for the light, Sugar, because it will warm your soul…do whatever you have to do to get out of that dark place…take nature walks, many bubble baths, rent 2 or 3 good comedies sit down and watch them and laugh, start reading(look up Romeo Is Bleeding on the web, its a good series, it helped me and I think it might help you), go out with friends…do whatever you have to to pull yourself out of that dark place…
Be assured on this, he would rather you sit in a dark place pining away for him, than for you to get up, get out, get moving, and move on…so don’t you let him keep you in the dark anymore…because I can guarantee you one thing, IF he comes back, it won’t be while you’re sitting there hoping and wishing he’ll come rescue you from the dark…beepers don’t do the rescuing they prefer to be rescued themselves…he will never come back as long as you are miserable because as long as you are he has won and he still owns you…if he comes back it will be when you least expect it, when you are happy, smiling, and enjoying your life WITHOUT him…it will be when you don’t need him to be happy, when you have regained your strength and sense of purpose in life and realized that you deserve to be treated alot better…that’s when he might come around…
Trust me, after years in an on again off again relationship with a beeper I know that, I have seen it time and again in my own relationship…and they never ever ever come back while you are sad and mopey and waiting for them too…so get up get out and get moving….it will either bring him back or show you that life without him can also be good…and either way, you win.
Good luck!
Dear Going In Circles,
Thank you for your kind reply. Especially thank you for taking the time to explain your thoughts to me.
You are truly wonderful. I need to hear this. I need to heal and to move on with my life. I have been stuck on a fantasy of who I believed this man to be, from how he appeared to be for four months, and then to having my world shattered by the way he suddenly changed. Perhaps I didn’t see the real him or perhaps he was just in a mood swing. I drove by his place tonight and there was a car in his driveway. Probably a new lover who has replaced me. I guess bipolar people do move from lover to lover. I am honestly OK with it now. The pain has subsided. I think I will be OK. It has been the most painful, traumatic thing in my life, but I think I will be OK. That’s the good part. I will survive this. Partly it’s because of kind, wonderful people like you, who have helped me to deal with this situation, by being there for me, and by listening and actually replying to me. Even though I have never met you in person, you have been so helpful to me. You have no idea. My family wasn’t even there for me. That’s why I had to go on line. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And may God bless you! You are truly an angel!
I thought I set him off by giving back his gold chain, but if he really loved me, he would have tried to get me back. The fact that he hasn’t even tried to contact me in three months shows that he couldn’t care less what happens to me. He truly doesn’t love me. So, I have to take care of myself. I have learned, once again, that I need to nurture and love myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I guess that’s the truth for all of us. It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom. Thank you. Please know that if you ever need me, I am there for you.
I’m glad you found my post inspiring, and I’m TICKLED pink that you are moving on…you have no idea right now how huge a favor or how much pain he actually saved you by dropping out of your life…
But there is one line in your post that I must take a moment to address…
“It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom.”
BULLCHIT!!!…Love isn’t a nice dream, it IS real…don’t you give up on it because of ONE very sick man…don’t let him scar you so badly that you give up on a beautiful experience because if you do then he has won, his illness has won, and you are the one who’ll suffer the most…not him…
In the future it’s ok to proceed with caution, but don’t be so cautious that you let something real walk past you because the pain of this situation frightened you…you will heal…it takes time…but you’ll heal and find that there is a life beyond him…
Think of this, if you experienced all that wonder with someone that sick, imagine how much better it will be with someone who isn’t
Take care!!!
Hi
I first met my girlfriend round about two years ago, we never dated then but kept in touch over long distance. I knew she was troubled. a wild child, free spirited, naughty girl from the most beautiful part of South Africa. I knew she hated to be alone and wouldnt be faithful to her partner.
In december something magical happened and we fell in love. It was perfect we spent so much time together and couldnt be apart, she flew up to see me. we spent time together, she rushed back home in a plane, 3 days later I was with her for the road trip for her to share a life with me. This is February (2 months after we fell in love). Too fast, now its reality, like a marriage. Everything she romantisized was now reality.
I wasnt the wiser to warn her to spend time with her family and loved ones for a while. Be sure you know what you are going to leave behind. I believe now she has realised what she has given up.
I knew about the mood swings, but February it started, she became less responsive. More secluded, she basically came into routine of just watching TV at night. She doesnt say nice things about me, she doesnt even look at me. But she loves me. She says so and she cries so often. She is only turning 23, 6 years my junior.
So she decided something wasnt well and to go see a psychologist. The diagnosis of bi polar II was not a surprise.
She is beautiful, artistic, creative and a social butterfly but has a dark side. A mean side where she isolates herself and hurts the people she loves. Pushing away the things that should be held close.
I try to be understanding, have done things as pathetic as question her love for me. She dreams of travel and helping children in Africa, a wellfare addict…The responsibility and routine that accompanies any relationship is frightening her.
If she rejects my advances, am I supposed to leave her to her devices. Let her continue down this spiral and not do anything about it. I take care of her medication and therapy and I think that is taking away her independance and increasing a sense of guilt that she owes me something. How can I be sure, obivously I just want the affection from her that I have shown her.
She has been on epilum for around 6 weeks now, she is hurting so badly and I would do anything for her….If anyone has any advice or can share something similar that they have experienced in their lives I would more than just appreciate it.
Hello everyone! I also have found this site amazing and reading had made me realize I am not alone..
Here is my story.. about a year and a half ago I met woman so beatiful and full of energy.. She has a 4 year old daughter and the father was not in the picture.. She had never married.. Anyway she is not 28 and am 31.. I loved being with her and her daughter.. We had our ups and downs, but for the most part things were great. I was doing what I had always wanted to do, be a father. The little always called me Daddy and I had never felt so good. I couldn’t believe I was finally happy. I mean really happy.. I am a very deep person and when I love someone I love then with all I am. Well as time moved on about say 6 months into the relationship she started mentioning marriage. So much so that she even offered to pay for the ring and I could pay her back if I didnt have the money.. Well as I said we had our ups and downs with aboher bipolar, but being with her and the little one made me more happy than I had ever been so I her with the disease and knew that its not her fault. She didnt ask for it, such as I did not ask for my diabeties so why would I have any right to hold it against her or judge her for it.. I knew she loved me as I loved her.. So I asked her to marry me. I bought the ring with my own money lol.. She got down on her kneess where I was and hugged me and said I do, I do, I do.. I teared I was so happy.. Then soon after we had an engagement party and my family and hers cheered to our life together.. I was the happiest man in the world..
Then things started to change.. She started to become more irritable.. Wanted to spend hours apon hours just watching tv and shutting me and her daughter out.. Now this was nothing new, but it was getting more consistent.. Now we had been living in my house for about a year though all this so far.. Anyway she started picking fights and I would just go for a walk regardless if it was a snow storm, a hurricane or whatnot.. I just needed to get away.. I felt so bad for the little one because she was always subjected to seeing this side of her Mom and being on the receiving end of it.. I can take it, but a 5 year old cant.. Well about a month after the engagement party her taxes were coming in and she planned all the things she wanted to do to the house. She always called it our money.. I never really felt comfortable hearing that, because Im the type of man to not count his chickens until they have hatched.. So a week before the taxes came in she picked a fight, we argued and she decided she was going to move into her sisters house which is an hour away from here or her work.. She said she couldnt do this anymore and that she wasnt happy.. She felt this was for the best.. So I was just left here alone in my house with no one.. No little girl running around, no Nick JR playing in the background.. No more tucking the little one in to bed at night and listening to her say Im the best Daddy in the world.. No more hearing my spouse say that I was the best thing in the world to happen to her and her daugter and she thanks God everyday for meeting me.. She just left…. All I was left with was a broken heart and memories.. I couldnt get out of bed, I would break down and cry at work and have to leave.. I loved them so so much.. Well this happend about months ago.. She was going out, wearing slutty outfilts and leaving the little one wherever she could so she could go out and dance with her friends.. Well I found out aswell that she was seeing someone else so I called her about it when I heard of it and she confessed she was just talking to him. Now this guy is completely opposite from me.. Skinny, tattos on his face, gangsta, ect, ect. While Im a bodybuilder.. Anway I waited about a week since I called her and told her I needed to talk with her.. She met with me.. I brought her 5 silk roses.. We talked and she told me she did nothing sexual with the guy and just ate pizza with him and watched a movie.. I guess they made out too.. She promised on her daugher that they didnt sleep together.. So she started calling me again and showering me with gifts and taking me out.. So we started going out again I was helping her find a new place for herself which is what she wanted.. She gave my number to her potential landlord and said I was her old landlord. When he called I gave her a rave review.. Anyway I helped her move in and things were great again.. She was staying at my place, I was staying at hers.. Then I got a brain hemorage.. A blood vessel had burst in the back of my head and I had to be flown to another hospital via helicoptor.. Once there I was on life support, Got double pneumionia and had respitory failure.. I never told her this because I didnt want her to feel guilty, but the doctor said it was from extreme stress.. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks.. Then after that out of work for 6.. When I got out I was staying at her place alot,, helping her clean up when she was at work, getting dinner ready so when she came home she had less to do instead of getting into a horrible mood.. I would do whatever it took regardless if I should be in bed or not.. She started taking Cymbalta that her councelor had prescribed.. So she started to change for the better a little, but not that much.. She would still threaten her daughter with punching her in the face if she didnt listen when she was in a mood and completely shut me out as usual.. Now Im supposed to be on bed rest and I completely disregarding myself and focused on her.. Wondering what I can do to make her happy, what I say to fix it.. Always feeling as though I did something wrong.. I just wanted the girl I fell in love with to come back down to earth.. It was hell.. When I say hell I mean it.. She never called me names, but had a way of making me feel like shit. If I cooked she wouldnt eat it.. If we were at my house and I went food shopping, she didnt like anything in the fridge and would rather have Boston market or something.. So me being me would run out of the house and by a $28.00 meal at Boston Market when I had a fridge full of food.. Preying all the time that this or that would make things better.. All the time.. Well lately we have both wanted to have a baby together so the little one who is now 6 can have a brother or sister.. Ive always wanted to have a child of my own.. She wanted it to.. We would buy pregnancy tests and she would cry because she was not prenant.. This happend last wednesday.. She then told me she cant wait to have me growing inside her, that im the most wonderful man in the world the best father any woman in the world could ask for.. Then next day we got into a stupid pointless fight about her watching tv so I walkted home. Its about two miles from my house but many hills are involved.. I had to carry all of my work clothes that I needed for the next day at work home with me in a garbage bags.. Anway I left because she told me to leave so I did.. When I got home I felt guilty as usual and grabbed my entire Friends series collention put it in another bag and asked my brother to give me a ride back to her place.. This was about 3 hours later around 900pm and it was pouring out.. When I got there she wasnt happy to see me at all.. I told her I was sorry and shouldnt have said anything and that I just wanted to do something together as a family instead of it being me and the little one doing something again without mumma.. She didnt say a word, had her wall up as usual.. Then I noticed she didnt have her engagement ring on.. I then saw it on the nightstand.. I went over to it and asked her if this was how she felt.. She said she didnt know.. She needed sometime alone, she needed space.. So I gathered my now 3 bags of things and walked back home in the pouring rain.. I talked with her on the phone yesterday and she said this is for the best (us not being together) and that she is sorry for everything.. I then asked how is it for the best? She stated that she hasnt been happy and wants to be on her own.. She texted after the conversation and told me that again she was sorry and that she needed to grab her work outfit from my house and would call me. Well me being an idiot I was out so I bought her, her favorite movie that her sister lost on her when she let her borrow it.. I folded all of her things and put then neatly in bags. I then laid the movie on top of the bags. I then went for about an 8 mile walk.. I needed to clear my head.. I walked so far I ended up having a diabetic low blood sugar reaction and was too far away to walk home.. I was so distraugh when I left for the walk I forgot to bring a candy bar just incase.. Well I had my cousin pick me up and then waited for her to call. She never did.. I havent spoken to her since… I love her and the little one so so much, I feel like im dying inside.. I just want her to realize if she needs space to just have it, but not shut me out.. Now its over again and the little girl that I have raised is gone with her. Poor little thing must be so confused.. I never held her Bipolar against her, I embrassed her and didnt everything I could to try to make things balanced.. I took the day off from work because Im to uncentered right now to deal with work.. I feel like Im losing my mind and this is not good for the condition I was just in the hospital for.. But I dont care about me.. I care about us.. I care about them.. I dont know what to do.. She wants nothing to do with me.. I just feel so broken and weak..
Dear Saddened,
Please take care of yourself. I know your pain. I have just begun to emerge out of mine. It has been since January 1st when my bipolar boyfriend left me. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life, so I feel your hurt. I can tell by your words, it’s so similar to my experience of grief. It’s like you’ve been thrown off a horse, into an uncaring, unforgiving universe. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve someone wonderful like you to appreciate you and love you. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It will take some time to get over the grief, but I suggest going to see a therapist to handle your feelings; surround yourself with good family and friends; forgive her for her illness: it is her illness which makes her so unstable; if possible, try to date other people. You need to validate yourself. You tried to do everything humanly possible. She is the one with the problem. I hope this helps. I know it’s hard. I am still not over mine either, but I am a bit stronger now. I had to take time off work and my graduate studies. I was suicidal. These people are not worth losing our lives and minds over. They seem to move on: illness or not. It is us who are left reeling with pain. Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, worthy human being. I wish you all the best life has to offer.
God Bless You.
Josie thank you so much for your reply! I am so happy to recieve such a quick repsonse on a site such as this.. I did see a therapist today because I was down and figured why not right? When I discussed how I felt to the therapist and what I had been though and what I am going through now, see told me that I need to love myself.. I replied back to her that I do love myself or atleast I thought I did.. She told me that if I did love myself I would not have taken her abuse.. She asked me if I was tired of constantly thinking of her and what mood she was in and what she needed and leaving no thoughts for myself or my well being.. I told her yes, but I do miss her and what it entails to have her and the little one in my life. She told me that I need to think of and take care of myself.. I do not blame her for any of this.. I know her heart, I know what she is made of.. She herself told me that she doesnt know what is going on with her right now.. This all just sucks because I just want a normal life with her or at least a life where she knows no matter what her family is her foundation and that when she needs her space to just let me know and take it.. Not just drop everything…. Regardless all of her stuff is still here and when she comes to get them I will not break down.. Even if she apologizes and wants me back which is a far stretch from reality, I will tell her that I am tired of her abuse and I just dont know if I have it in me to go on with this so called relationship… I havent thought of myself in so long and forget what its like to just worry about me… She still hasnt changed her myspace either which shocks me.. The little one putting cake on my face on her sixth birthday is still her default pic.. All of the pics of us of a family are still on her profile and she has been logging in because I see her updates on my page.. Very confusing indeed.. Again thank you Josie!
WOW
and there was me thinking i was all alone.
my name is Richard.
married but seperated to lisa and we have 3 children.
2 are from her previous marriage and 1 from our marriage.
so many of you have expressed what i am going through.
lisa has bipolar and has had this for about 12 years,
i love her to bits, i care for her soo much and just want her to be happy
we have had some very rough stages
in the mania side we have been through bankruptcy, been and still are heavily into debt.
sleeping around.
dissapearing for days on end.
have been called oh so many names, some of which are not even in the dictionary lol.
then there is the depression side
6 phone calls on seperate occasions to tell me that lisa has taken an overdose, but she is ok (which is good)
followed by a spell in hospital.
daily visits to see her, days out then the slow road to stability
followed by what i guess can only be described as a period of normality.
the problem i have come across is that with each manic episode lisa seems to become more destructive (this is the only word i can think of that describes it best).
she will get rid of anybody who suggests that anything is wrong.
in the past this has included my parents, her mother, her sister and my brother.
she will also surround her self with people that have a hateful view of life and men who will fuel her manic views.
the trouble is once everything has been destroyed, the realisation kicks in and then she goes into a depressive slide
i am very concerned for her at the moment
she is at the top of a manic episode as we speak.
this time she has forced me out, made it impossible to stay as she has been telling all her friends that i have been beating her, also told her friends that i have been hitting the kids.
our eldest who is 18 has been forced to move out because she dared question her and now this weekend gone my lad who has just turned 16 and still at school has been kicked out and is staying over my mums house (sadly there is no room for him here )
again the debts have piled up to about 12 grand, thats before the house gets reposessed
and i am just so worried for her as the pressure is piling up and there is no body around to help her or be there for her
i still love her,
my heart belongs to her
but am scared that we have reached the point of no return
thank you for listening
In Ocober last year, i met a wanderful man. He was still residing in the home of his previous 18 year relationship, (never married) his partner still living there too, both totally not speaking but both awaiting the sale of the house in order to move on. I thought at the time this was strange, however I soon discovered that he had another severed relationship, with his mom and he always maintained that both his X and mother where mad! I soon realised something wasn’t right when he appeared to flip on a coin and completely disappear after about a month of seeing each other. He came back asking me what went wrong? i was very hurt. Needless to say we got back together and for the following five months he rang/text me everyday several times, although we saw alot of each other. Then their came elaborate plans of him offering to buy his x out, which she declined saying she wanted more money and to force the sale of the house. Then talk of marraige to me , oh and that he had never been loved by a woman like this before and i’d grown on him and that i was his total therapy etc, etc. He constantly lived and relived his x relationship. So i didn’t quite believe that i was the real deal for him, so when very subtly challenged, i recieved a load of text messages, one was even of a polish girl stating he was going to sleep with her and that it was all my fault…needless to say i hve not heard from in a month. I believe that none of us come exempt in life from any disease/illness and would stick by anyone, but there is a big BUT in this case…he knows he is bipolar, but does not want anyone else to know…it is very sad. What i can’t quite work out is this…how can they just dismiss someone they claim to love? please help.
Sharon,
I too was involved with a guy that pushed me away after an 8 month relationship, he was never diagnosed, but I believe he has borderline personality disorder. Said he fell out of love with me. And he too made me alot of promises, that I was his true love, that we would be married, that there was no one else for him, etc. And most of the things he had said to me 2 days before he broke it off with me. I became suicidal…I still have days where I don’t want to go on. The most important thing I did for myself and I recommend it for everyone who is involved with a mentally ill partner, go to therapy. No matter what, just go! Also, try to find support groups in your area, I go to Codependent Anon meetings once a week. This man, this guy, reduced my life to nothing. I could think of nothing but ending it all…he has moved on to another victim now, claiming he loves her after only knowing her on messenger for a week. I can just pray that she doesn’t go through what I did. Move on, I know how hard it is, how lonely it is…but the pain and hurt, it’s just not worth it. You will find someone who is better for you, you just have to believe that. Get your mind off of it, take up a new hobby, write in a journal. I found writing him a letter and letting out all my anger helps, and then I tear it up and throw it away. I will never understand why he pushed me away, b/c he did it to me more than once, maybe it is better if I don’t know why. I have had to basically not talk to him at all even though he says he “needs” me to be his best friend. I can’t do it, b/c it sends me down into another spiral. He doesn’t care about the pain I am in b/c he is too self-centered. What kind of man calls his ex at 5:30 in the morning to tell you he is in love with someone else, when he knows I was suicidal? I hope all of you on here know that all the pain and hurt, its not worth it…no matter how much you love your partner, they can only help themselves. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it, just remember that.
Thank you for your reply, It helps to know that I am certainly not the only person to be at the dismissal of a bipolar person. I do believe though I was getting close to the core and he referred to me as too “analytical” amongst some spiteful comments. I notice he has some longstanding friends and quite a tight circle of friends and he introduced me to them and his daughters, business partners, sister all those that matter to him. I know a chemistry existed between us and the attraction was strong, so was the love. So where is he now? Do they ever come Back? I am really struggling with understanding that bit…can anyone help? please. His closing text stated he wasn’t playing games and that I didn’t save him and to delete his number and never contact him again. He wouldn’t respond anyway. I did ring his office though and spoke to his business partner who reassurred me that he was okay and that his brain gets in a jumble over his X. Bastard i’d say…but i can’t stop thinking about him.
OK well I think I am gonna change my name from Saddened to ENRAGED!!! I am so so so mad and disgusted its not even funny.. Well Last time I was on here I left the discussion at everything being very confusing.. Well it got worse lol.. So I hacked into her new Facefook that she just set up with the help of an old friend.. This friend of hers was an X from way back and had just gotten out of prison a couple of months ago. Well he started calling her when I was in the hospital and they talked as friends as she put it anyway.. Well one time he called when we were at my house and she did nothing but talk about us as a couple and how happy she was and he said was looking forward to meeting me and hanging out with us.. I truly believed he was just an old friend.. Now I know she has never chearted on me, because she wasnted to be constantly together weather it was me dropping her off to work and picking her up or anyting… Well soon after that her phone was shut off due to lack of payment.. I would have paid it but I already had to pay off her $400 phone bill on my account so I was stuck with that.. Well the friday after we had the fight in my above post she called him and he wasnt home.. Well he hit her up on myspace and gave her his new number since she called his house phone number.. Well when I got into the facebook site I found that today she was calling him honey bun and he was calling her darlin. They said they both had a great time last night with everyone and how she had not been that drunk for a long time and how she got home at 230am in the morning and then go to work, but would do it again.. Then he hit her back saying you know you would do it again!, we had a blast.. Then she said she wanted to give her honeybun a massage this coming saturday night… Now I have his phone number and she lives down the street.. Granted we are not togther anymore since Friday, but this is a little bit soon dont ya think? I mean I went out for the first time in a long time this weekend and I was offer some pretty nice sexual favors from some hot females, but I wasn’t interested because all I could think about was her… WOW I AM SO MAD AND ENRAGED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Please help me with good advice quickly!! I feel like Im going crazy.. How can this be the same girl????????
Enraged/Saddened,
Ok, well…I think ppl who have bipolar or different types of mental problems tend to move on to other partners VERY quickly. AND they are usually have an addiction to sex. My ex claims he has found his “true love” and has only known her online for a week or so, they haven’t even met irl yet! They move on quickly and disregard any kind of feelings towards their exes and are very, very self-centered. Read my posts from above, you might find them helpful. My first post was back on April 18th. Be strong and take deep breathes…
the problem I have about getting into another relationship is that, you don’t always know that someone is bipolar until maybe days, months, years into the relationship, and
by this time you are so involved. and to go thru and get use to another person and have this happen again,I wouldn’t be able to take it. so to protect myself and who I am, I put a wall up.
Dear Lost,
You just expressed exactly how I am feeling today.
I emailed my ex boyfriend (who I believe is bipolar/took lithium etc.) just two days ago to say that I miss him and I
love him. Do you know what he answered me as well as swear words he said: “What part of go away don’t you understand, you are old, ugly Italian looking woman. You dress like an old Italian woman and you act one. You are an obsequious, fawning pain in the ass.” He wrapped it up with a swear word.
I have a wall up around me too. I don’t like myself after this experience. I don’t like men any more. I don’t trust anyone.
It’s neat that all the people on this forum have reacted in much the same way emotionally. Because these people’s rude behaviour is so outrageous, so non human, it affects the victims of itin much the same way, I guess.
These people are the proverbial “big bad wolf” lurking in the forest. First they sweet talk you into a relationship, then bang they destroy you emotionally.
What has helped me so much is that I replied to his email with everything I felt, all the anger and pain he had caused me. I know he doesn’t care, but at least I got it off my chest. I strangely feel as if I am somehow vindicated, as if I have my own power back. For months I was crushed. I think I am on my way to healing and acceptance.
Please believe. There have to be nicer people out there.
Look at all the wonderful people on this forum. Keep the faith.
whats is funny that i read is that, say that a person whom is bipolar and the spouse that isn’t. If they would go into therapy, sometimes it takes awhile for the therapist to find out who is and who isn’t bipolar, because biploar at times have away of projecting the symptoms on to the non-bipolar, that it makes it quite difficult for the therapist. this is how I feel right now. I feel that I am spiraling from living so long with the abuse.
I read through a few posts here from lately…I see most that have posted have been in the relationships for a year or less…
After almost a decade with an undiagnosed either bipolar or I more strongly suspect borderline personality disorder I can assure you that it doesn’t get better with time…
I lived with mine for several years…we had a home together…raising kids together…then one day he meets a woman at a party and falls madly in love with her and out of love with me…suddenly overnight his feelings for me changed and he moved out of our house and into the house of the woman he had known for less than a month…that was over 3 months ago…they still live together…he did come back here briefly and then went right back to her after she forgave him…so basically within a couple of months of moving in with the new love of his life he was “cheating” on her with me…back and forth…and with him thats how it always is…from me to another woman to an ex to me to another it never stops…he gets in this wierd mode in which he decides that he must have a change, and he must “give me up” as if I am something bad for him that he must deprive himself of…and when he does this it is like a different person completely…he acts like a wounded martyr…every time he comes around…and speaks of the hurt we are both dealing with…I point out “Why would you hurt when you got your way?”….
It just doesn’t end…because when he is this other person, there is no getting thru to him…and he has no qualms about hurting me, using me, mistreating me…it’s almost like he punishes me for loving him so much…he as even asked me “How could possibly love me after all the horrible things that I do to you all the time? I don’t deserve it…how can you love someone as bad as me?”…and I think sometimes thats what they do…they rip us apart to rip themselves apart…to show us how horrible they are so that we won’t love them anymore and they will get that punishment they feel they deserve…but when the day comes that we don’t want them around then the half sane part of them comes back or wakes up and they are scrambling to fix things…only to mess them up again….
It has been called a roller coaster and there isn’t a better term for it I think…because thats what it is…constantly up and down until you get tired enough to just get off the ride.
hello going in circles.
i was with my wife for about 14 years, have you found that as time goes by the behaviour seems to get worse. i.e. they find the boundaries and push them that little bit further each time.
also what i have noticed is that she finds a new circle of friends that don’t seem to have the best outlook on life, so they tend to feed her and reinforce her vindictive feelings which in turn get stronger
thats what i have found in my relationship.
this time (she is going through a manic episode at the moment) it has got really viscious here, she has told everybody that i beat her and the kids
and the crazy thing is we still go back for more,
maybe there is something wrong with me for going back lol
i hope it gets better for you
just try and be strong its all we can do
Richard
the worst thing is that they alienate people from you so that you can’t go to them for help, for example, their family, friends and co-workers
Well it has been a month since I heard from my X. I had a text early hours 3.00am, thanking me for giving him so much in the short time we were together! (6 months) i only loved him…but he had previously said that I loved him like no other. Well a couple of text revealed that his house had been sold and that he had to find another by the end of July. He asked me if I was still in employment and that when he has settled in his house that we should go for a meal and drink. I said this would be nice. This all sounded okay, what do ye say…..? He actually phoned me to explain his daughter had been ill in and out of hospital….brief call, but i was suprised as the textin would usually go on for ever. Do I go out for that meal and drink….?
Last time I talked with her she told me that she was confused for the last 3 months when we were trying to have a baby and wanted to be alone.. I then told her how I felt with no concern of how she would take it for the first time in awhile and we havent talked or texted in 3 weeks… I am talking to someone else now.. Lets see what life will bring me now
.. I do have to say though that I miss her and the little one every day of my life.. I truly loved them
Well time has moved on for me a couple of days and well im still terribly depressed.. I miss her so much.. All she has been doing is going clubbing and getting drunk. I havent talked with her in three weeks, but she did text me yesterday asking if we could arrange to meet up so she can grab the little ones bike.. She asked me to text her today.. Im not going to though.. Im not gonna just be at her beckon call.. If she hits me up today Ill tell her Ill get in contact with her tomorow. I mean there is no reason why she needs to see me. She knows I can simply leave the back gate unlocked and leave the bike there for her.. SO many things running through my mind.. Its killing me and it sucks because its a battle I have to fight along…. As I said above I am talking to someone else to try to take my mind off of things, plus she is a wonderful person.. BUT I just cant get my mind off of her and the little one.. It hurts so so bad.. I feel like im going crazy! I just cant seem to shake this.. Someone please read some of the stuff I have written and give me some advice.. I just feel like throwing up a white flag and saying I give up….
Richard,
Yes, they do get worse with time. Each boundarie set is like a hurdle to be overcome for them it seems.
You might notice my name change…that’s because I am finally off of my rollercoaster. Mine left me to move in with woman he slept with at a party. He just knew she was “the one”. They have been together almost 6 months now and he is already cheating on her. That’s what really opened my eyes. It doesn’t matter who he is in a relationship with, he is what he is, and he will continue to behave like a horny adolescent as long as he can get away with it. So yes, it has gotten better for me
Sharon-don’t go. It’s pulling you back into his world, he is with another woman why even bother to go out with you? He is playing games with both of you, and believe me a bp is the master of head games.
Saddened-it’s not you, it’s her, it’s the bipolar. She behaves that way because she is manic. But its still her choice to behave that way. Do yourself a favor. Go to the gym. Get a new hobby. Go out clubbing and have a damned good time. Heck, throw darts at her picture(yes I know you love her, but it will make you feel better because even within love there can be anger and thats ok)…in other words do something positive for YOU and quit making all of your focus be on her. She is absorbing you. I know, because I was there. Just a few months ago I was there. Get up, get out, go live, and quit walllowing in your own sadness…because it will eat you up if you let it. You are strong enough to have made it this far, ergo you are strong enough to get up and dust yourself off again and survive.
Good luck to you all.
Thank you so much for your reply. I just cant get over the cheek of this man. He text and phones in the middle of the night to say he will be in touch in July when he has sold his house, sorted himself out and not feeling so stressed. He will take m for a drink and a meal to thankyou for being so good to him. (he was actually very good to me) Does he think I’m going to waite this long, if at all. The other side of me says that i should because he can’t help the way he behaves.
Thanks alot Richard!
I have read several of your comments here and I just sit back and wonder what I did to make God hate me so much.
I was divorced for 10 years and very happy. I had started my own business, moved to a “new” town ( I used to live there years ago) and was doing great. I met this guy online, later found out the way I met him (story for another time) was full of lies and deceit. I forgave him, and the many many other lies he told me. I know that this is all my fault but he was VERY GOOD at making me feel like I was the one that caused him to lie.
After 4 months of dating he ask me to marry him, we dated 8 more months and married exactly a year later.
Well the story goes that he was demoted the ultimately fired for sexual harassment. But again lied about that. I offered that he become a partner in my business and help me. He chose to sit at home and play on the internet EVERY DAY…. Looking for what he called “Female Friends”. I voiced my opinion how I felt that was unappropriate and he just called me jealous.
Anyway…. 20 months later I have left a very verbally and physically abusive relationship. He wants EVERYTHING, including my car. He thinks that I just deserve my clothes because he says that I abandoned him since he had no job. He is calling me every name in the book and more. I just feel so used and abused. I honestly feel that I just want to die.
God doesn’t hate you Tired…a friend of mine told me something very wise…God doesn’t put evil into our lives…we do that to ourselves, but He does give us the tools we need to remove it from our lives…we have to keep our eyes open for those tools when they come along.
It’s not “all your fault”…the only thing you are guilty of is being trusting and perhaps a little gullible…see, a “normal” person is not equipped to deal with the mental mind games that a person with bp and bpd(borderline personality disorder)will dish out…they are often manipulative, controlling, demeaning, and abusive. They are masters at laying the blame elsewhere…and they have an uncanny ability to zero in on their “victims” weaknesses and exploit them for their own gain…and that is exactly what he did…
Step back woman and look at that man…really look at him: He is a liar, a cheat, a manipulater, and abuser, and a general all around dawg and HE has the audacity to want one single thing that YOU worked so hard to get? And he is trying to use guilt ie your own kind heart against you…do not put up with his crap for one minute longer. Cut the ties period. It’s your car keep it. If he has ever physically harmed you immediately put a pfa against him(protective order)so that he cannot come near you. Change your phone number. If he calls you at your place of business hang up on him and then record the time and date he called. Find a lawyer and sue him for harrassment if need be. He is a coward and a bully. If you are in fear for your safety go to a womens shelter.
And you say you feel that you just want to die? Think about that statement…you feel you want to die over him? Over some worthless scumbag that has done nothing but wreak havoc on your life? I mean really, is he worth that? Would you really want to give him that much control? I know it’s rough, but at some point you will look back on this as simply a horrible experience from which you learned some valuable lessons about human nature, and you don’t see it now but you are already better off. You have set a wheel in motion here to a better life for yourself. That will lead to good things for you. Good luck.
Been a while since i been on here. Things have got bad again. She keeps saying i dont care but i cant go back to feeling worthless again althoguh i already do. I have to be strong i cant let her walk all over me again but when i stand up to her she twists everything. Even writing on here i feel like im going round in circles because ive said it all before. Youve heard it all before. i dont know how to keep doing this. Im lieing to my friends because i want them to like her. Im lieing about how im really feeling to protect them from my misery. Shes so cold to me. Even when she calm it jsut doesnt feel teh same. I cant ever have a problem or concern. im on my own with everything.
I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop cryign but then im crying in silence so no one will hear me. This what i will have to do forever if this goes on because she cant be there for me or even try to understand what she puts me through. I dont wanna punish her i just want her to learn or try from the bad and hurtful things. I pretty much begged her to show some sort of remorse for making me feel the way she did but she just couldnt cos she wasnt there. I just dont know what to do. This i guess. I just wanna be happy and i want her to be happy but reality is i just dont think thats ever gonna happen cos i cant see any signs of her fighting for me. She thinks she does but its not enough for me. I dont believe she wants to understand.
Please someone help me ;-(
Am leaving a marriage tof 2 decades amicably (My spouse is a very good man but I was very lonely). Took two college courses (post graduate) and became friends with my professor, who’s 13 yrs my junior. Eventually it turned to love, although we have never touched. We talked so much and at such depths. When classes ended I waited for communication via computer and at our shared gym (via e-mail until my divorce is finalized in the fall). It didn’t come even though his good friend (older than I) told me I was indeed correct that I meant much to him and he planned to have me in his life a long time. I finally began sending regular e-mails and he began oddly “communicating” through song lyrics on his weblog (he posts to it almost hourly…and daily). How weird for a brilliant and creative published author was my thought, but I accepted it. The song postings were about loving me, missing me, wanting us to be together, taking things slowly, etc. But when the emails/songs would go smoothly for a few days he’d toss a wrench in. For instance, on his local radio show he claimed his girlfriend was in another state (I have never doubted his feelings for me and with his timed/dated postings alone in his apartment anyone can tell he has NO time for a girlfriend). After such strangeness occurred (4x) I would try to walk away (ie stop e-mailing) but I was always drawn back to him and his musical apologies. Then one day I rememberd he had said months earlier that he was “manic” when I mentioned he never seemed to sleep. I plugged the word into the computer and up popped Bipolar. I read six books on the subject before emailing him about my suspicion (delicately, lovingly, etc). I promised to stand by him regardless as everyone else in his life had abandoned him but that he should get treatment. I would go with him and I’d even cover the costs (Some background: He was very abused as a child….he lived in his basement with books and music before living alone from grade 9 on). He FINALLY e-mailed…and twice! I was dumbfounded….I was accused of stalking, information gathering, conducting surveillence, sexual harrassment, threatening him and his local friends (which he doesn’t have), etc. And he said he had already spoken with the police and would file a report should I contact him in any way. Due to being worried about locating employment and having shared custody of my kids during the divorce, I dared not contact him. That night the woe=is=him sad songs began being posted as well as the I love her and treated her wrong type songs. I ignored him (I was in tears though). On Day 3 of no contact his song postings turned to lyrics about both suicide and homicide (of a woman) as well as muder of a woman followed immediately by suicide. They were graphic songs that dealt with knives and guns. I was so frightened I had to tell my husband (whom I reside with until the divorce). For three days I was shaking and physically ill. On Day 4 he calmed back down and went back to the woe=is-him missing her and loving her and losing her songs. One song even included the following: “How does one say I’m sorry and tell her there’s no reason to be frightened?” That weekend was not only his birthday but Father’s Day (his dad, I believe, sexually abused him before abandoning the family). My friend disappeared for days…no song postings, no nothing. I was worried he had committed suicide or WOULD committ suicide but I did not attempt contact. I couldn’t chance losing my children. Instead I met w/ my friend’s husband for free; he’s an area psychiatrist who deals with bipolar patients. He said the song postings suck me back in and I need not worry about my safety due to bipolar sufferers not warning their victims by posting such violent songs all day long. From him and from my readings it is apparent my “friend” (the man I do love very much) has Bipolar 1 with delusions of persecution as well as rapid cycling (he can cycle many times a day). His “diagnosis” is apparently one of the worst to have yet he will not get treatment. Due to some of the words he’s used (“boundaries” for one), the doctor and I believe he was diagnosed and/or treated years earlier. I believe he loves being the most creative writer and popular professor on campus that he would rather die than be medicated, sadly. I have no plans to walk away from him for I love him and I promised him he can count on me (he may walk from me, but that’s OK). I have plans to attend a BP support group in town next week and to continue reading up on the subject. I NEVER want to marry again and I NEVER want to live with a man again and/or combine finances. With that said, I would like this particular man in my life whenever he’s well. We had 8 VERY GOOD months together and I’d rather have just a few weeks with his company than none at all. He’s truly a good man, although obviously ill. But during the school year he functions quite well (no absenteeism, handles his job responsibilities well, friendly, kind, etc). My question is this: Why when I know (100% know) the feelings we have for each other are mutual does he appear scared of me at this time when he wasn’t the 8 months he was teaching? (Since teaching ended for the summer he has been depressed, but manages to hold his radio show and post on his blog…and the delusions ended last week).
Is it a trust issue since nobody has remained in his life thus far and his marriage 8 years ago lasted just 4 months? Or is it the depression brought on by the change of his work schedule that shall subside once he returns to teaching? Or perhaps some odd BP issue that I have yet to read about in a book? Je wasn’t very frightened of me the 8months we were together often. Please don’t tell me to walk or run from this man. I am level-headed and almost 50. I am also a teacher and a lay minister. I don’t “need” this man in my life. I shall walk away if/when I feel it is detrimental to my emotional health, but if and until that time I would like his companionship whenever he is well (as he was for 8 wonderful months last fall thru this spring). Thank you in advance for your help. And, no, (’cause someone is bound to question my motivation:)…. I am not needy. I’m not impressed with HIS youth (He has an old soul and it was months before I realized our age difference), I do not look my age, I am young-acting, I work out at the gym 7 days a week, I am outgoing, active, very friendly, secure, etc, and I DO realize it would be MUCH easier to “date” or have as a close friend a mentally healthy man. That’s a given! But sometimes life tosses us curve balls when we aren’t looking:)
Dear Nonny,
Your story is perhaps the closest to mine. I can totally relate to what you’re going through and actually your situation totally validates my experience.
I too was ending a marriage, and fell in love with a wonderful man, who for five months was in love with me (called me several times a day, told me I was the most important person in his life, shared every detail of his life with me, shared intellectual discussions etc./ took off his gold chain and put it on me at Christmas/ loved me….) and then because he had a woman sleeping over on New Year’s (which of course made me question what was going on) he cut me out of his life by calling the police. I cried, called, emailed wanting to know what had happened and why. He wouldn’t talk to me. All he did was scream, swear and told me that if I ever called him again he would get a restraining order. I was devastated. I had to take time off work and I started drinking to numb the pain. I had moved out to an apartment and eventually I moved back home with my husband, who I do not love in the same way I loved this man. I moved back home though, because I was falling apart mentally. I am regularly seeing a therapist now.
I have pieced together the fact that he is bipolar by the fact that he had told me he had taken lithium for severe depression. He also told me he had electroconvulsive shock therapy and went to a Mental Health Clinic every two weeks. The day before he went crazy on me he had taken me out for lunch and mentioned that he felt as if he had a party going on in his head. Could that be manic?
He was married twice. He said his first wife was “a bitch”, so he left her. His second wife he spoke fondly of, but she left him when he was very depressed and when she left one night, he locked the door behind her. I thought that was so odd and so mean, but I felt sorry for him, so I didn’t dwell on it. He was always wonderful, caring and I was so attracted to him both physically and intellectually. He was also very physically and emotionally abused by his step dad.
I tried contacting him just a month ago, but this is his exact reply: “What part of go away don’t you understand? You look like an old Italian lady, you dress like an old Italian lady. I am not interested. Go away! F. Off!”
Before we broke up he would tell me I was adorable and sweet and that he thought I looked so much younger than my age.
Could it be he is a jerk? Could it be the bipolar talking?
It has been since January and I can’t believe he is still acting this way.
I keep on hoping he will come out of it and remember me and somehow contact me again. I miss him like crazy.
I know what you mean about people telling you to move on. It’s easier said than done when you truly love someone. People are irreplaceable. They’re not like fruits and vegetables.
I am a teacher also, and I write poetry. I am intelligent and I had a life before I met him. I wasn’t needy. I do admit I was missing a true soul connection and that’s what I had with him. I can’t believe he is not in my life any more.
I know he is alone now. In the evenings he is almost always at home by himself, but I can’t call or he will threaten me. He is afraid of me trespassing his boundaries. He said I was stalking him too.
Did your doctor tell you how long this could last or if they can ever snap out of it?
Like you, I am waiting for that day.
Please let me know your thoughts. I will gladly communicate with you about this situation. Thank you for posting your story. It has really helped me.
Josie, there are many differences between both men and that of course has to do with who the men were meant to be (minus the bipolar). My friend and I were never more than good friends although it was obvious feelings of deep love were present. He was my professor and I was/am married (awaiting divorce). Bob (fictious name) was never rude to me, not even in his delusional state. He could have said something about my age or my size or education or writing ability (I’m 13 yrs older, larger, don’t have my master’s, and I’m unpublished) but he never has. In fact, after every delusional episode (3 so far) he has posted beautiful songs about being sorry, loving me, desiring me, me being beautiful, etc. After all my BP research, my meeting with a psychiatrist about Bob, and my communication with a local support group, I am quite sure Bob goes thru this every summer when he’s not teaching and before he returns to his “normal” (manic high, h state, fixed state) in August …and it lasts thru the first week of May. The drastic change in schedule plus his birthday/father’s day in June throws him into a tizzy. Those 8 previous months with Bob that were so special shall hopefully return. Since I don’t EVER want marriage and I don’t EVER wish to live with any man (and I would never combine finances with a bipolar man), if I have 8 months of friendship and/or romance with him OR just 8 weeks with him OR even just 8 days with him that will be OK with me. I’d rather have that than nothing. I’m guessing my lack of dependence on him is why he wants so badly to trust me and let me into his world. I can tell from his song postings that that’s exactly what he’s battling…he’s been in love 2x before and both women walked….quickly. He still carries the pain from those losses. Being alone and in control is much less scary to him than possibly losing AGAIN.
The man you described sounds mean and he refuses to accept responsibility. Bob talks of “failing” his wife years ago during their 4 month marriage plus failing his fiancee years ago as well. Even without mentioning bipolar to me he talked about all the mistakes he’s made in his life with regard to others. Through his song postings he’s made mention of his abuse (more than what he shared with me during the year in person), of feeling lost and lonely, of seeing things and hearing things, etc. He is extremely gifted (not just the creative part that comes with his BP) and that brilliance is perhaps what allows him to be more introspective and able to function as well as he does (the psychiatrist agrees). Bob apparently knows he needs the summer to be alone…walled and protected in his home away from others so he can’t hurt them. But since he didn’t feel comfortable telling me that over our 8 months as friends, I had to learn it the hard way. Pressuring him to see me, to get treatment, etc. caused him to spiral quickly into depression. And as I pushed and pushed the delusions soon began. He appears stable now and I am keeping my distance (I e-mail every so often and ask no questions, I don’t mention BP or treatment, I don’t talk about “us,” and I try to make the emails upbeat, light, and funny). From his song postings I can tell he likes hearing from me and he is waiting to feel better after the summer. It fascinates me how the human brain functions, but it’s also very scary. If Bob were mean I would not “wait” for him (I’m actually not “waiting”). I would not want him that way for I refuse to accept that type of treatment. If Bob and I do rekindle our friendship I will insist he keep his distance when he feels himself sliding into depression (I believe he would anyway for its what he has learned to do). I also believe he will continue to have sex with young women he picks up at bars when he’s in some of his manic states. That is part of the illness, especially since Bob refuses treatment (I believe he loves the manic high too much to ever be medicated….he feels he has power and he loves being the center of attention….not the little abused boy who everyone picked and/or ignored decades ago). Constant AIDS testing and condoms would be a must IF I even decided to have more than a close friendship with him. Not every woman would be able to separate that manic behavior from the man (I realize it would not be easy) and we each need to know what we’re TRULY willing to accept and not accept. My heart goes out to you, Josie, but if he were out there for you you MUST know there are other men out there just waiting to meet someone like you….and they are probably much more upstanding men than someone who blames others and has cruel words for you. I spent last night dancing at a club for 20-somethings with a girlfriend my age (46). We had a ball and even had quite a few handsome young men wanting to dance with us. I continue to work out 7 nights a week at the gym and I’m sure I’ll meet single men at my new teaching job in the fall. Should a great guy come along I will have to reconsider my situation with Bob. If Bob doesn’t appear to be letting me back into his life in the fall than I shall walk away from him altogether (for my own sanity). I must protect myself and I have to remember not to lower my standards. I hope you will do that as well. Open yourself to others and just maybe a much nicer and easier man will be available to you. Until then get yourself mentally, physcially and spiritually healthy. The better you feel about YOU the more appealing you will be to others. That’s been my experience anyway. I feel 25 and am enjoying life (even when I miss Bob tremendously). And do check out BP books at the library; I keep reading and it’s amazing how “classic” Bob is… Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling and delusions of persecution…textbook case. Every past action of his fits perfectly with the disorder. The books have been tremendously helpful. I can’t be there for Bob (as a friend)unless I know with what I am dealing. And I can’t know how to “handle” Bob unless I know about the disorder. As a teacher you know that education is always the key! If I sounded harsh throughout this response please forgive me. I have always been one to just tell it like it is (i.e. how I see it) and I have been known to be a little TOO curt at times. Unfortunately I take after my father. Good luck to you and God bless. I’m saying a prayer for you right now…
Out of all the blogs and websites i have read, this one helps me understand the most. I hadnt heard of bipolar before the boy i started dating told me he has it. Weve been seeing each other for a few monthes now, he is charming, makes me smile and laugh all the time, introduced me to his mother, tells me how much he likes me whenever he sees me. Its quite an old fashioned romance, we go out on dates and that which i love because i have had a bad past with men, they have made me feel worthless, like my personality is horrible so they use me physically until they get bored. This has put me on edge with men, im always scared to let someone new into my life, feel i just put up with anyone because they show me some sort of affection. So i hope that shows you how this boy is different to me, its not physically based, we have a sort of chemistry that i cant even put into words. But then last night he texts me saying that were not going to work, that he needs to be alone, that he doesnt want to be with anyone, that its not about him liking me, me liking him, its just he cant be around anyone. That he’s not worth it. I text him letting him know that ive developed a sort of trust for him, that i would give him as much time as he wants and it was ended there. Yet the night before last, everything seemed fine, i text him about arrangements for today, and it was all good. So many questions are going around in my head, how do i let him know i care without invading the space he obviously needs? What should i do?
Wow, i also am glad i found this site, its excellent!! Again an on and off relationship with a man who i think is Bipolar and has made his first trip to the Dr’s this week, now awaiting appointments with mental health. Whether or not this will save us i have no idea, but i hope so. We have been together on and off for 3 and 1/2 years and in this time i have also taken the abuse, the lies, the cheating, the utter torment that goes with it, i am now on anti depressants and have almost torn myself apart trying to figure out what the hell was the matter with him. Having soul searched constantly, almost driving myself insane, i realise that i have low self esteem, co dependency issues, abandonment issues, all stemming from childhood. I blamed myself when he cheated and in the weeks that i have thought it could be bipolar and have been reading about it i know it is not my fault. I too love him very very much, and right from the beginning have said i feel like wrapping him in cotton wool and looking after him, and it hurts like hell when they walk from your life only to return as if nothing has happened, but nothing we do will ever make them better. i am hoping beyond a wing of a prayer that once he has been seen by professionals that somethings will get better. All my life i seem to of picked the same kind of men and am sure many of you will see a pattern too, i dont know why. We want someone to love us so much i think, that when they are well or even hypo, that is what we need, they are nice, caring and loving and we will stay knowing that we will see that again, even enduring the pain in between before we get it. He has walked out again for now, after having a row with my daughter who is only 8, and calling her a name and not a nice one at that, i heard them and it sounded like two children arguing, i couldnt bare to look at him and he left, i havent heard from him since yesterday, but i am pretty sure i will eventually and he wont realise what he has done, try explaining to a 8 yr old that someone doesn’t mean what they say!! My kids come first and although i love him, i cant stand to have him speak to her like that. it made me so mad, i was furious but i let him walk without saying a word, there really was nothing i could say without me wanting to smack him. i cried and could barely function today, so why do i let him do it??? LOVE?? yes love probably, and luckily enough for me he realises he has a problem, but is it enough??? i can stand being spoken to like a piece of shit but my kids??? this was the first time i ever heard him speak to her like that since we met. i will repost soon as things hopefully get better, again be strong everyone, only the strong will survive am sure of that. xxx
Michelle, just protect your child regardless of all else. From what I keep reading in BP books childhood abuse is often the trigger for the genetic disorder. I love “Bob” a great deal and am looking forward to him coming out of his current depression (He’s just starting on his way up and should be “back” once he begins teaching college courses again in mid August); however, I shall not allow him around my two children if and until I know it is safe for them. Bob has never been abusive in any way, although we are just “in love” friends at this time. Not sure how he’ll be if/when we begin a romantic relationship, but I do know he will not be near my children if he is not as good with them as he is with me. His delusions have ceased (at least for now) and he seems much more trusting of me. PLEASE check online and join a BP support group. If he’s going to be around your children see if there’s one for them. I have been reading BP book after BP book and the knowledge from them has been so helpful. I do not suffer from depression or low self-esteem (thankfully), but I do know you must take care of YOU (and the kids) FIRST and then (and only then) worry about him. Join a support group (I have), read on the topic, excercise, meditate or do something else for relaxation, and take one day at a time. I hope and pray everything works out for you, but I worry that you won’t take care of yourself. You can be of no help to anyone if you are not healthy! Good luck to you.
Thank you Nonny, Definately my children come first, i cant believe he spoke to her like that. He has since apologised to me for doing it but quite frankly its not good enough. He was abused badly by his father as a child and i know that he hates him. I think he feels his mother let him down and he has a hard time trusting women. He is depressed at the moment and suffers from delusions, some of the things he says about me are ridiculous. My head is all over the place at the moment, he must want to be on this own as i havent heard from him for a while, and i worry so much. I will have a look for support groups now. again thankyou.
Hi Michelle,
Re: “He was abused badly by his father as a child and i know that he hates him. I think he feels his mother let him down and he has a hard time trusting women. He is depressed at the moment and suffers from delusions, some of the things he says about me are ridiculous”.
This sounds exactly like the man I had a relationship with. This is his life story exactly. He is on lithium and had electroconvulsive shock therapy and sees a mental health clinic regularly. He never told me he was bipolar, but I have pieced it together, with my own doctor as well. Some people also suggested he may have borderline personality disorder, in which case, as I haved researched, they love you one day and hate you the next, over the smallest infraction. Everything is black or white to them. Right now I guess I am black and I will never be white again. It’s very sad really, for everyone involved. Sad and cruel.
I feel your pain in what you’re going through because I have had a lot of pain in the past months. Support groups are great. Without this site and the kind replies of some of the members, I don’t know what I would have done.
Please take care. It’s not you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. God Bless!
Josie
Hi Josie,
Yes it is very sad and cruel, we have been together on and off for about 3 and a half years now, and in that time he has cheated on me twice that i know of, first one was when we had been together only 6 months, alhtough i didnt know at the time. He always would say how bad it was for someone to cheat, i trusted him totally. He used to accuse me of cheating when it’s the last thing i would do. We met in the january, and all was going well and then in march after a row he told me he had a drug problem, for the next 2 years he battled to come off amphetamines, and trust me if you think a bipolar is bad, one on drugs is a million times worse. The total paranoia, the nastiness, the lies, the mental torture. We were due to go on holiday to ibiza in the august but a week before on my birthday he sais we couldnt be together anymore. needless to say i was totally gutted. the holiday still went ahead but we were not together, it was horrid. we got to the hotel and were on our way to the room when he lost his temper, lifted his case above his head and threw it along the corridor, and the week didnt get any better. i would go to the restaurant on my own to get away from him and he would come in and sit next to me like nothing was the matter. he wasnt even talking to me when my dad died, but a friend had told him and i got a text saying why didnt you tell me darling – how strange!!! Then it all came to head when i found out that he had cheated with one of his friends wife, i went through his phone as i knew something was wrong and i was right, there were texts and even pictures of various parts of her anatomy. i was mortified, i left there and vowed never to speak to him again. But i did, after 4 months of not speaking to him, and almost losing my mind, ignoring his calls and constant texts, i gave in and we started seeing each other again, he was by this time off amphetamines and i thought things would be better, i thought all the problems were down to drugs, until the same pattern of behaviour emerged, i scoured the internet constantly, putting in all the symptoms, it took along time to reach bipolar, i’d dismissed it thinking it was a personality disorder or that he was a psychopath. eventually i pprinted of details of bipolar and told him to have a look, he agreed that that could be what was the matter, and had made an appointment at the doctors and awaiting an appointment with mental health, he isnt talking to me at the moment, he is depressed and wants to be alone. i do love him and know deep down that he isnt a bad person, but i wonder if and when he gets medication, will things get any better, do i stick around and hope that they will, does anyone know the prognosis?? Do they really love us?? i am just so confused. thank you for replying to me josie, hope you are well x
Michelle, please read the biography MADNESS. I picked it up from the library. It’s written by the woman who wrote the famed book about alcoholism. She is Bipolar 1 with cycling and delusions. Her bipolar began as a child and she has been institutionalized often. She is still married to a man she met while he was suffering from depression (not connected to bipolar). It is a fascinating look into the world of highs, lows, delusions, treatment, how the pills do and don’t work, how often patients go off their meds, how little the doctors really know, etc. I couldn’t put the book down. I met with my friend’s husband (a local psychiatrist who treats bipolars) and he told me that even with treatment, getting someone to take his/her medication regularly (once they actually get the correct drugs and dosage) is hit and miss. Many do not like the side effects of the drugs or they don’t want to lose out on the creative high mania brings with it. The latter is the case w/ my friend (I suspect). The doctor suggested I run and run fast; however, I have not chosen to run just yet. If there is a chance I can get my friend into treatment I am sticking around awhile longer. I found so much info from just searching the Internet by simply putting in phrases about bipolar I wanted info on. I was surprised to learn that many sufferers of the disorder DO handle their bipolar with medication; however, there’s no one shoe fits all. It’s a case-by-case basis. And with Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling, it’s the toughest type of bipolar to medicate effectively. The chances for success are not very great. But that doesn’t mean one cannot try.
Hi Nonny, again thankyou, i found the book online and will get it as soon as can. its by marya hornbacher. i think a lot of people who arent in love with someone with bipolar would say run and run fast, but to us it isnt that easy, because we love and care about them. I am the same as you, i am going to stick around a while longer and hope that with medication things will start to settle down, i know it’ll never be 100% better but even a little bit better would be good, i didnt realise how bad it really was for them, it must be so terrible, i really dont think he means to hurt me, and i am going to start looking after myself a bit more too, i have been drinking too much and worrying myself silly. He isnt in denial about being mentally ill and i think that is a major start, i think he wants help, and i know he will try. i know its not going to be an easy ride but am in it for the long haul.
M x
Michelle, I just got “Loving Someone with Bipolar” by Julie Fast (She herself has the disorder). It’s a wonderful book and extremely user-friendly. It helps the spouse (etc) to set up a plan so she’ll know what to expect (“triggers’), to control the triggers, to come up with a diet and exercise program, and to find other holistic approaches to supplement medication. The book is written so well that with each chapter Ms. Fast takes great pains to let the loved one know there are some things they cannot do/change and there are times that they may need to walk away and not look back. I just bought my own copies of both MADNESS (autobiography) and LOVING SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR on ebay for under $5.00 each (used). The latter book you can work on with your BP guy or just work on it alone (if he’s unwilling to participate). Last night I went to a mental health support group for 2 hrs. I met two ladies with husbands who have BP and one woman who is bipolar herself (with a BP son). They alone provided me with a slew of good information that made me feel as though I am not alone in this. Now I’ve signed up for a 12 wk course (1 night weekly) that begins in Sept and will provide both BP education and BP emotional support. Just keep your head up, tell yourself you’re strong and confident (even if you don’t feel that way right now), and plug away. I am feeling so much better emotionally now that I am emerging from the dark. It’s a difficult illness, but with knowledge and support you (we) won’t have to jump from crisis to crisis. And today my guy began emerging from his deep depression (he’s been either manic or depressed since the third week of May). He’s posting songs about being anxious to be able to “let me in.” That will be nice since he’s been in a relative cave for weeks. I miss him and will hopefully be able to look forward to another 8 great months with him this year. But I’ll leave that up to God for what will be will be…
I was trying to search about ways of stopping bipolar siezures but seems there are ways of reducing it other than healing it.i am 25 years and I have been with my boyfriend of 33 yrs for 1 and 1/2 mths and left his home 5 mths ago due to the pressure i had frm my family to leave him cos of his illness!he proposed to me and loves me soo much.wen we moved out to stay together,his uncle told me to ensure that he takes his medication daily.i asked him what he is suffering from and told me he has minor issues with anxiety and depression.till wen he got 2 attacks,one of them was cooled down by medication and the other he was taken to the mentally handicapped unit after fighting and flexing with helpers who didn’t have an idea of what he was suffering from.That was the most terrible time i had and cried with alot of pain saying why did this have to happen to him.he used to have sleepless nights,sweat in the night,aggressive,write whatever comes to his mind and insult me with abusive statements.He is on daily medication of one tab of resperedon and one of sodium valporate to calm his situation.Was with him through his hard times and he loves me sooo much that he wants me to bear him kids.left him his his home and felt heart broken cos my sister and bother picked me from our home and he cried silent tears in the heart!i love him too cos hes done lots and he truelly loves me but wnt it affect my children??he fears i may break his heart again.am confused,pliz Dr,help
I was trying to search about ways of stopping bipolar siezures but seems there are ways of reducing it other than healing it.i am 25 years and I have been with my boyfriend of 33 yrs for 1 and 1/2 mths and left his home 5 mths ago due to the pressure i had frm my family to leave him cos of his illness!he proposed to me and loves me soo much.wen we moved out to stay together,his uncle told me to ensure that he takes his medication daily.i asked him what he is suffering from and told me he has minor issues with anxiety and depression.till wen he got 2 attacks,one of them was cooled down by medication and the other he was taken to the mentally handicapped unit after fighting and flexing with helpers who didn’t have an idea of what he was suffering from.That was the most terrible time i had and cried with alot of pain saying why did this have to happen to him.he used to have sleepless nights,sweat in the night,aggressive,write whatever comes to his mind and insult me with abusive statements.He is on daily medication of one tab of resperedon and one of sodium valporate to calm his situation.Was with him through his hard times and he loves me sooo much that he wants me to bear him kids.left him his his home and felt heart broken cos my sister and bother picked me from our home and he cried silent tears in the heart!but what i realised is that anxiety triggers the attacks cos out of too much anxiety esp wen he’ s expecting some big sum of money.i love him too cos hes done lots and he truelly loves me but wnt it affect my children??he got 2 attacks the year i was with him.he fears i may break his heart again.am confused,pliz Dr,help
i want to thank everyone so much for sharing all their experiences with bipolar relationships. i sit and read and reread people’s blogs over and over to get over the breakup and sometimes that’s the only thing that works. ironically, i am embarassed to say that i am a therapist myself and i’m in therapy and still was not able to extract myself. i was even more tolerant because i thought i could fix his bipolar as i am able to fix many of my clients with lesser problems. i excused the constant breakups and mean words because of his disorder. i would neve have tolerated this from someone without issues. i have never dealt with siuation as hurtful and confusing as the on and off again relationship with my ex boyfriend, and hadn’t dealt with bipolar people in my therapy practice. i didn’t understand why i was getting so depressed after the final breakup and why i couldn’t stop obsessing about him. i see that a relationship with a bipolar person who keeps loving you so intensely then pulling the rug out from under you makes the most rational person feel emotionally unstable themselves. it is so unfair. we give and give and they take advantage of our kindness. we blame ourselves for their actions. we need to accept it is the bipolar, a switch goes off in their head when they are too sressed or overwhelmed and they cannot tolerate such loving emotions. they do love us one day and really do not love us the next day. they confuse us and give us no closure. they take us up to the highest high of happiness and crash us down to the lowest low with no warning. no wonder we feel so bad afterwards. i don’t know what else to say, i hope this post helps some other people like all the posts have helped me. thanks everyone for sharing.
Hi there everyone. lovely to read of all your stories you are sharing.
I am one of “them”. Of course, I never ued to be, but then one day I really fell in love…
and I had heard “God is Love”
So, when I was 27 I said to God, “OK, I will believe in you 100%, whatever that means, as I have sitting on the fence all this time. In 27 years I will write a book and give my opinion on the decision I have reached.”
Of course, the moment one had mentioned God, then religious fervour became a symtom… ever thought perhaps He has something to do with it?
Grandiosity, now there’s another one. Well, yes, I do see my highest potential, do you not see yours?
Medication? Well, I only use natural medicines… and have been off the chemical alternatives for over 2 years now. Relatively successfully. Surely I can still be emotional, however, what I am learning is to discern the difference between my feelings and my emotions.
Emotions can be live waves in the rapids on the Zambezi, however, like the rapids on the Zambezi, I am no longer afraid and have learned how to deal with them.
Yes, the lessons are extreme, but as my younger sister says, Philippa, you’re an extremist, so you’d better just learn to live with it.
What a wonderful website! It brought me to tears just knowing that people have similar experiences.
I was with someone who was bipolar and she would always turn things around and make me feel guilty that I did something wrong.
We broke up a year ago and recently have been seeing her. We slept together and then she freaked and started seeing another guy. Then I saw her again, she initiated the sex and then turned it around as if I was seducing her and didn’t want it to happen. She wants me but she also wants me a million miles away.
She owes me alot of money. Gets mad at me for no reason. Has this anger towards me I don’t understand.
But I always felt guilty. As if it was my fault but now I understand it is the disease. Sometimes, things are out of our hands. No matter how much love you give, how much money, time and whatnot, it is up to them to seek out help. We can only do so much.
Oh I wish, I could wave a magic wand and make her all better. I love her very much. I am so sad. Even with all the horrible stuff that has happen, I do wish her well.
Please be patient with me when i am low or when im high. Please dont think or say im lazy when i could do one thing but not the same the next day. please dont think im lazy when i cant get out of bed. please dont tell me how im feeling, because you dont know. I dont even know. Please dont go away when i ask you too. i need you the most when i spit these words at you.
please dont take the piss out of my bipolar and please dont take the piss about my biplolar with your friends. its okay for me to take the piss. ;laugh with me.. not at me.. because this is how i cope with it. please dont take it personal when i am mean and aggressive. please dont ask me to repeat myself more than three times when im babbling on. dont tell me to speak up or god forbid cheer up! please dont tell me im dragging you down, please dont tell me you argued because of me. instead tell me your going to be there when i get thru this. please dont walk on egg shells i am not retarded. please dont say ” im not a mind reader!” please tell me the things calmly when i am more “stable” the things i done that upset you. please dont get angry with me if i can not remember. please remember your true daughter, the girl you fell in love with or the reason as to why your my friend when you start to wonder where i went. i will come back!! please dont say that im ungrateful, please dont say that i am selfish. the bipolar is. but not me. please dont be offended when i dont open up to you when i cant stand to be touched when i not been in contact with you for a while, when im like this. dont ask me if im okay.. ask me if i want a hug.. dont tell me you felt like this cause you were depressed for a few days, tell me you love me and that you will be there at the end of it.
please keep tight hold of my hand to keep me grounded or pull me up when i am down. I know its not easy. i know we have to work as a team. i know you need your time out sometimes. i promise i wont get offended when and if you do just let me know. please get help for yourselves weather that be professional or friends, be honest with them. you and me well we have nothing to be ashamed of, so please dont go on like you are. please work with me to work out my triggers, so we can realise when things are getting out of hand.
Im bipolar myself. i hope this helps alot.
wow katrina that just sums me up totally
Its nice knowing we are not alone with our confused minds big hugs to you and all our fellow peeps like us xxx
I wish she knew how much i love her how much i try but she doesnt. I dont think she ever will. Says im no good for her that i trigger her make her worse. I feel so alone and i cant stop crying but cant cry out for help. Just want someone to hold me, wanted her to hold me but she never can. I come on here to vent and i cant even do that cos its used against me. That was how all this started cos she saw something i wrote and said i was lieing to her about how i really feel, that im stringing her along. Whenever we talk she manipulates me and says i have done this, i have fucked her up made her worse, make her cut, trigger her episodes. I can normally shake some things off but ive gotten so weak that i bite back or is it me sticking up for myself cos if i dont ill vanish. I dont know if i can accept been on my own forever emotionally but thats not good enough for her. She demands to know if i accept her or not…what if i cant be her punchbag or i dont handle her teh right way? I know im not entirely alone but i need someone to care for me to. But if i say any of this or vent like i am now then im a liar. Its got to a point now where i just dont know if its the bipolar or if she just doesnt love me anymore. I cant remember the last time we made love, kissed and it was what she wanted. I miss her so much but why? she hates me and is manipulating me at every word. Even when im trying to be rational and reasonable and objective. Will she ever meet me in the middle? I dont think so and im just making myself feel every little bit more worthless whenever i talk to her. She says my love isnt enough. Am i responsible? I really dont feel like i am cos i can put my hand on my heart and say i tried my hardest. Im not a bad person, im not im not im not. I just have to keep telling myself that cos right now i feel useless. Ive not moved for 3 hours. I need help i really do. Please just someone tell me im not alone that. Thats all i need right now. I feel so pathetic. Thanks for listening whoever you are.
Hello Liz.
you really are not alone,
to care for someone, to love someone through thick and thin is a wonderful thing and makes you a wonderful person,
most time the love and caring is returned, but sadly for some of us it will never be.
I am in a similar position.
I love my ex so much. but oh so often she makes me feel as though everything is my fault,
i do things for her and it is never good enough.
I am lucky that i have a period of rest now and am able to look at the situation from afar and realise that it is not my fault, I am not responsible for the situation, if she asks me for help i will give it, i will not offer it,
when she wants to rant about anything, kids, money, holiday, I sit there and nod and agree silently, just knowing and accepting that you can’t help lifts the wait from my shoulder
if she wants to make love, i wait for her to say, again i will not offer.
i find it works for me.
same as you, I have tried so hard over the years.
i would suggest you stop trying as i have.
it is strange but she does not seem so hostile towards me now.
worthless?
pathetic?
useless?
Believe me you are none of these
priceless
simpathetic
useful
these would describe us better
be strong Liz
you are not alone
Thanks Richard. I was quite hysterical when i wrote that last message. Im calmer now and constantly reflecting on things like are things really my fault? We have been on and off so many times but this time feels different. This past year i have been gradually losing her and she has been pushing me away. She says i cant accept her and all of her. But ive been there all this time….trying for nearly 3 years? Trying to support. Maybe i cant accept. Maybe i cant accept that im not as strong as i thought i was. Is that really something i should be punished for? I never even said i wanted it to end she manipulates me. I have been having a hard time at the moment and whilst i tried to be there for her during her episodes i sometimes find it hard to believe she is there for me at all. That really frightens me because i feel i need to be loved and have an understanding with someone. She bombards me with questions with no discussion which i need so if she doesnt hear something instantly it means i dont care or i dont love her. Im sorry im rambling again and i really need to start using paragraphs!
Are you with your ex? This is another thing its so on and off that you cant put labels on some things. You just know in your heart i guess.
Hiya Liz.
It’s good to have a rant, that’s why this site is soo good, nobody will judge you as so many people have been where you are.
I am currently living with my brother and have been for the last 10 months. is still very confusing
one day she will ring me up and we will chat on the phone for hours, laughing and joking.
another day she will ring me up and be horrible.
quick summary of me.
financially am ruined (both of us due to her suddenly giving her job up and me not knowing for 6 months, therefore bills and mortgage not being paid).
my eldest who is 18 had to leave home.
andrew 16 is now living with my parents as he was kicked out and there is no room here.
Shelley 11 is still living with her.
the house is about to be repossesed so the ex and shelley will be placed in emergency housing.
and you probably guessed it is all my fault lol.
for my sanity i have learned to stop trying, have learned to accept that i will be wrong and to blame for everything.
have learned that if she says the grass is blue, my response is “ok, thats nice” lol
I too need to be loved, but have now come to accept that she may love me but is unable to show it.
and because of that i am now back in contact with friends that i lost through this, i get my love through them,
not the same as a loving cuddle but it will suffice
i could really use some support and validation so if anyone can provide that, i’d really appreciate it….my ex boyfriend who is diagnosed bipolar on lamictal and i had a conversation which made me feel worse…. he had broken up with me many times during our 6 months together, and then we were apart for 6, then together for about 2, now over for good. long story short, he always told me how much he loved me, the love of his life/the one, more than his ex wife, wanted to live together, get married, help raise his kids, then he’d break up for no reason and later say it was because he was scared to be hurt like by his ex wife, even tho i never did anything to hurt him. so now he tells me he never loved me, it was not real, and that he only ever cared for me as a friend. this just sounds so much like other posts but i am really hurt and hard to believe it was never love or just freindship. please someone tell me this is the bipolar and that he is going to just do the same thing to somone else. i treated him like gold and now he wont’ even talk to me during a family crisis.
Hi Red,
Your story is so close to my own situation and believe me I know the pain and emptiness you are probably feeling. I am now six months on and I still think about him everyday, wandering if he is okay, what he is doing etc; It does get easier. What helps me to put it all into perspective and to try and make sense of it all is to remember that he is ill and given a choice would he really choose to behave this way….no…i don’t think so… and he did love you, no doubt, but remember he was in a “good place” at that time you were in his life. They can’t love you when they are in a “bad place” when they find stability they may come back but fear your going to hurt them, so often move on to find a renued love….and then this repeats itself all over again…remember he is ill.
Take care.
hi sharon
thanks so much for responding to me, i greatly appreciate it! i am sorry you are going through a similar situation. what i dont’ understand is why he doesnt’ realize it’s his problem and not that he never loved me. he says i’m not the one and that he wants the fairy tale with someone else. i dont’ want to believe he coudl be differnet with someone else and actually be in a good relationship like he thinks he’s goign to. and he seems stable but for how he treated me. can we talk offline somehow? red
Hi Red,
He wants the fairytale with someone else….this is how he is protecting himself….he will probably repeat this behaviour with the next woman. They pull back when they feel overwhelmed (love) and hurt you before they get hurt (Which is what they think is going to happen) I am happy to contact you for a chat…
Take care
sharon
Hi Sharon and Red,
This has happened to me too, so I really appreciate your answers.
So technically this person who is bipolar will not return to me, although he did love me. He pushed me away in a veryr drastic, mean way and has had no contact with me for seven months.
He is going to search for someone else to have the fairy tale with. Right now I know he has no one and I keep hoping he will remember what he did and apologize. Do you believe from your experience that it might be a possibility?
I sincerely appreciate the comments on this post. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on, but the last few posts have piqued my interest since they do reflect my situation.
Thanks so much for any input from you two,
Josie
Hello Josie,
Please do not expect an apology from him. He has done nothing wrong according to his illness (not him) but he will probably hold you responsible for the way he feels (his illness hurts him this makes him think that it’s you that’s going to hurt him) So you get pushed aside. I haven’t heard from mine for 2 months and we have not been together for several months just like Red. Every now and then he will text. I respond with nice kind words and don’t ask questions. I find this keeps the link between us open and safe for him to dip in and out my life. It is difficult and commands a great deal of strategic thinking. But remember this, if we find it all confusing….how do you think they feel. The emotional switch we have, stabalizes us, but for them it is corroded.
Hope this helps you a little.
Thank you for your kind reply Sharon!
You explain it so well. Although there is a lot of information on Google about bipolar disorder, there isn’t that much information about the cruel way in which bipolar people push their loved ones away. I have tried to talk to doctors about it and they also don’t seem to know. I guess it’s as you say, that they get overwhelmed with the emotion and try to stabilize themselves again by getting rid of the person who could potentially hurt them. Although, I had no intention of hurting him. I loved and still love him so much that it hurts. All I wish is for God to send him back to me.
See, mine hasn’t contacted me for seven months at all. Which almost leads me to wonder if he’s bipolar at all. Most posts talk about bipolar people going back and forth and changing their minds a lot. This one has drastically cut off all contact with me, as if I were dead to him. I actually saw him in a parking lot and he pretended not to see me. Have you ever heard of anyone doing that?
Hi josie, not sure if this will be of any help to you but it was to me and answered a lot of my questions, but i thought my bf was bipolar and it turned out not to be, it was anxiety and depression. please have a look at codependancy issues and love addicts, i am codependant it seems and am learning so much about myself now. please just take a little look i hope it helps you. M xx
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for your kind answer.
Yes, he definitely made me feel like a love addict for the last seven months. All I want is to see him again. Maybe I am codependent or a love addict.
I looked it up. It’s what I feel like.
Thank you,
Josie
Hi Josie,
Yes my X, long before my time with him…left his “then” partner for 18 months. After 18 months he went back to her. During these 18 months he had another relationship.
I believe I too was an infill! The last time i was contacted he informed me he was on good terms with his long term partner… he has 2 grown up children and has been with her for 18 years overall.
There does seem to be a common denominator to people living with Bipolar and that is….they usually have a long term X partner, who has been “bad” to them. But they always seem to return to them. So I believe i was an infill…but anice one for him. However I would not go back..
good to chat with you…..
Thank you Sharon!
Mine had been married twice, but divorced with both women. He told me his first wife was a “b….” and he left her, but his best friend married her, which leads me to believe she couldn’t have been that mean. The second wife left him because he was heavily depressed and on lithium (that’s where I believe he his bipolar), because I can’t believe a woman would leave the man she loves because he is depressed. He must have been so difficult to live with. He broke up with women before me just because they wanted to know where they stood in the relationship. Once he makes up his mind, he doesn’t go back to them. A friend of mine wondered if he could be borderline. But anyways, it’s OK. I am trying to heal. I don’t think he will ever contact me again. Thank you for being kind and answering my post. You are so nice.
Josie
hi sharon thanks so much for your reply!!!! very helpful!!!! my email is iloveclassicrock@hotmail.com if we could correspond that would be great.
also josie my heart goes out to you also and feel free to contact me also. in my experience, he never came back without me pulling him back. he broke up with me over 10 times in 2 months, then stayed away for 6 with no contact. then came back for 2 after i kept contacting him. he said he missed me every day during that time and never stopped loving me, but later said he never missed me and never loved me. after the last episode he made it clear he does not want me pulling him back anymore and does not even want to remain friends. to top it off he added that you’re not the one for me comment on top to hurt me even more and leave me with a visual of him being prince charming being with a different princess making her happy like he should have with me. sorry to be repetitive. thank you for listening and for your feedback it is greatly appreciated.
ps oops i meant over 10 times in 6 months if that matters…
pps dear sharon and josie and michelle and everyone,
josie-rest assured if he was on lithium, he was diagnosed as bipolar no need to doubt that… also
my ex was divorced also and said she was a b, but i agree why woudl someone kick someone out who them loved for being depressed, he also had supervised visitation of his kids for 2 years and said it was because she was vindicitive about the bipolar…
anyhow what i wanted to also say was i think we shoudl work on not wanting to be with people who leave us! that is what i am doing, and try to move on to healthy relationships with people who will not leave. personally, i never woudl have stayed for that breaking up behavior if not for his diagnosis, i shoujld have let him go after the first couple times he broke away and i wouldn’t be suffering a year and a half later.
my best to all, excuse the typos, red (rachael)
Well, well, well!!!! our stories are so very similar aren’t they. So there is no doubt in my mind that all of our x partners live with bipolar. So if we secure a relationship with them, that means we too live with this bipolar to an extent… I do believe that it takes a lot of skill, time and attention…to find stability. I do believe it is possible but you would have to gage this based on the behaviour of the person when they are well. Something triggers thier behaviour. I noticed with mine, it was because I enquired about a holiday for me and my 2 children…..that was it, I blew it….it sent him on a downward spiral and he disappeared! Thinking about it he felt totally pushed away and hurt that I didn’t include him (although I new he wouldn’t go on holiday as he said so prior.) So if you think about it carefully I bet you will find a trigger point before your partners departed…..But bare in mind to a mentally well person whatever was said and done it wouldn’t even be considered as a trigger for an argument never mind a break up! I hope this makes sense…
hi sharon
yes it makes sense to me because of dealing with a bp person, he used to cut and run whenever he made plans for me to move in or meet his parents, whenever the commitment got too much or it was becoming too real. ironically this last breakup he said his feelings and our connection were never real, completely the opposite of what he was telling me all along.
we should not have to deal with this and be with peopel who want the relationship to progress naturally through landmarks such as interacting with kids and family and becoming more serious with each other. there were other triggers which were insigificant as well such as asking him to drive to see me or anything that he considered to be inconvenient that other men/boyfriends wouldn’t mind doing such as as i said driving to see me.
hoep that makes sense. sorry about the bad typing.
i could sure use some more validation on the fact that he will do this to someone else that is what i am still struggling with.
thanks so much for everyone’s help
rachael (red)
ps sharon- yes to comment on your comment, i was told by my therapist that it was a bipolar relationship as well, and never in my life had i feel so confused and depressed as when in this relationship. i am normally an easygoing happy temperament person, but this relationship and his constant ups and downs and love/no love/leave/come back made me feel obsessive, desperate, and unhappy. i hope this helps.
Unfortunately Red, yes he will do this again, it is a characteristic of his illness. You must stop thinking it’s just you. You did nothing wrong but love and nuture him….he is incapable of validating that. That’s why you are left feeling confused and hurt. Remember this…he is ill….he wouldn’t have deserted you otherwise…
Take care
Sharon
hi sharon,
thank you so much. i am going to do my best to keep telling myself that. all my best, rachael
im so angry right now,he left me so many times and says its for the best,why cant he let me go!I say to him ok and start trying to get things sorted and cut him off,i took him off facebook and asked for my stuff back and he say if i want hell drop it back when he picks up our daughter….if i want!!???wtf!!!He says its for the best hes not on my facebook because it will be painful to see whats going on.I say i dont want to move on and im not going anywhere because i love him and then he says thats up to you but im sure you will get over it soon enough and move on i just dont want it in my face!Any idea what hes going on about,he left me and i dont understand,i thought he was depressed but hes so angry at me.He is playing with me and i dont know what to do.
Hi Sarah,
This is typical behaviour of someone who has bipolar. Maybe he is projecting how he is feeling on to you and this is the way he does it. (breaking up) He knows it makes you angry and hurt and that’s the way his illness makes him feel. But he can’t control how he feels, his illness won’t allow it….just something to bare in mind..
Take Care.
i told him i love him and ill be his friend if thats all he can handle but im not leaving him,i want to help and he keeps saying im gonna leave him and he wonders how long its going to be before im wiith someone else,he says he doesnt want it rubbed in his face.And when i said ill start moving on and dating he said he wont look after our daughter because ‘hes not my babysitter’.I have just resigned myself to being a friend,im so sad i miss him and i want my family.He says he cant give me what i want and its for the best,the only way i can think of showing him my love is by standing by him as a friend and trying to put my emotions to one side.He might realise im not going to leave him because of his problems.He says im the only one who can hurt him in the world and that he cant do it because i make him feel vulnerable and that although i say i wont hurt him he doesnt believe me.He says he feels miserable in te relationship and cant stand the pressure or expectation.He also says he cant give me what i want because of this,a commited relationship.Anymore suggestions?
I met and got togther with my now ex partner 8 years ago we have a beautifull 6 year old daughter.We’ve been split this time for about 2 months I say this time because in the 8 years there was only one year she didnt leave me and then in 6 months or so come back saying she had made a mistake that she was messed up and needed help that she loved me always would.Twice she left me for other guys but always the same she would come back etc.. and I love her that much and us as a family that I forgave her every time beleiving that it was some kind of emotional problem and understandibly I now have pretty major anxiety and self esteem problems as a result.It wasn’t until after she left me for the first guy that I and my family started thinking that it was more than just depression or anger problems or the result of a rough upbringing and started trying to figure out what it was.For a little while I thought maybe she had a full blown split personality disorder, the girl I love and the girl that comes back is like a completly different person to the one that leaves and is so horrifyingly abusive both physically,verbally and emotionaly.After this happened a few times it was my Dad who suggested that she may have bi-polar disorder I had heard the term before and manic-depressive but didnt fully understand whaty it entailed.After reading as much as I could find on the subject it all seemed to fit and the next time she came back I talked to her about it and after a while she came around to the idea that this may be the problem.We tried to get her help but these things take time and after while things seemed to be fine or I guess we both just wanted to think they where and forget all the bad and get on with our lives but as you all know it dosn’t work like that with bi-polar.She left me again for another guy and the usual “I never loved you you loser I dont need you I cant stand you”etc…I guess thats the manic state when she feels she dosn’t need me and that no matter what she says or does she is in the right and I’m in the wrong,then comes the depressive when she sends me txt saying she wishes she was dead that I’m better off without her that I deserve someone better etc…then after a while she seems to slip back to “normal” and thats when she comes back sorry.The last time she left me for the last guy we where apart for a year we got our own places that was a bad year for us both it did’t last long with the guy she came back sorry maybe five times that year then a week later Im the loser again it looked as if her bi-polar was switching to rapid cycle it was a different person one week to the next sometimes it seemed a different person from morning to night.You can imagine what this has done to myself and our daughter.After a year she seemed to calm and said she was going to stick with the help and meds etc.. and she did all on her own went and got help got the meds and for a while I said I couldnt go back I had given up and had dated other women and was trying to get on with my life but she kept trying.Eventually I moved back in with her and our daughter that was abot nine months ago things where really good I ended up buying her the second ebgagment ring Ive bought her I threw the first in a river when she left me for the first guy.But she stopped taking the meds and the rollercoaster came back the monster out of the box and she now says she has no problem its all me and she will be fine if I just leave her alone,she even denies that she was ever diagnosed and if I try and mention bi-polar to her she either yells or hangs up the ph.So here I am again heart broken and wondering if she will come back sorry again and wether I can swallow my pride again I’m beginning to doubt wether I can I love her so much but all it takes is for her to stop the meds…Im still wondering wether this time thers another guy I dont know I guess it dosn’t matter.Im sorry to say it guys but bi-polar really sucks its made the last say seven years of my life hell but Im so glad I found this site its good to know theres other people that understand what its like to love someone with this problem or have the problem.I sent the link to her via email but I doubt she read it.
The saddest part is that I really want her to be happy and if I could believe that she would really be happier without me the that would be something but I know that without help she never really will be not for long anyway, if she dosn’t do something about it she will ride rollercoaster for the rest of her life and it will sabotage any happiness that comes her way and thats a horrible thought because I care about her so much probably a hell of a lot more than I do about myself.
Sorry if this goes on and on as I am still unsure of what I have been going through. My wife and I met in college in her state but in a state other than my own, and she was so easy to get along with, very bubbly, sweet, kind, loving, in a word wonderful, people gravitated towards her. I felt very close to her. We dated for a few months and then broke up, both of us agreed, mostly me because I was scared of committment at that point in my life. We remained friends for a while, hung out all the time and then got back together a few months later. Basically every now and then she would blow up on me and show me a list of “faults” of mine, usually very petty stuff. I would fix these things as quickly as possible to make her happy, but months later another list would appear. The list got smaller and smaller as time went on. A couple years into it I was home for summer break and was going to go to a bachelor party for a friend. She was upset that I was going and broke up with me. I said, look if it is that important I won’t go, but she still broke up. I was devastated but I went and had fun and tried to move on. A few weeks later I get a call at my summer job from her saying that her father had a heart attack and she was upset, wanting me to come up without actually asking, though she knew I would. Well I love her so much still that I headed up. Her father was recovering and fine, but she wanted me back. So I went along because I loved her so much. A year later she started grad school and was under extreme pressure and stress. She would say things to me and do things that were so cold and hurtful that it seemed inhuman. This went on until I graduated that semester and she quit grad school and came with me to my state and (Boston) for work. Things were fine for a while without the stress. Then she would become stressed about work and then issues would arise. It was at this time that she was diagnosed depressed. Then she became pregnant. We bought a house. The baby and the lack of sleep stressed her out and she became that monster again. Once again, cold and mean. I never seemed able to please her. One day loving and kind and happy and glowing, and the next day depressed and thinking we aren’t meant for each other. The periods might last a day, a week, a few weeks, but usually no more than that. The time period at the house was horrible. We tried marriage counselors, but she would stop going after a while. It was always my fault. Granted I am not perfect, but I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated poorly. She would quit the counseling it seemed whenever the attention turned to her. She cheated on me during this time with a coworker and although regretful, has recently, 3 years later, looked him up on the internet as well as 2 years ago. When I confronted her about it, I got the I’m just curious answer. Though I wonder if she still has feelings for this married jerk. Over the past few years, she has had very little to complain about. We moved to her state so she could stay home with our kid, be closer to her family, equi-distant from our respective families. Her staying home was one of her desires since we had a kid, to get them out of daycare. I have been demonized and told that I don’t make enough money, compared to the guy she cheated on me with that he makes more money, and she has said things like I pale in comparison to him. The first time she kicked me out of the newest house I felt that she backed herself into a corner by telling everyone how horrible I was and “abusive”. The irony right. So when I moved into the apartment it wasn’t more than 2 months that she wanted me back. She has threatened me with divorce at least 12 times since we have been married. The last time she left, yesterday, the morning was like any other, I kissed her and told her I loved her, she told me she loved me and I told her to try and relax and take it easy and told her to have a nice day, she did the same. We just had a baby months ago, and I knew the stress would get to her, and it has, the past months have been brutal. I drove our oldest son to summer camp and went to work. I got home that night to a note and half our stuff gone. She moved in with her parents. I can’t describe the craziness of all of this. I am crazy in love with her, which seems to be a common thread with BP significant others. She hasn’t been diagnosed as BP, but what do you think? Is she? She contradicts herself all the time, for instance, she wanted to stay home with the kids and fought for years for that opportunity since we couldn’t afford for that in my more expensive state and then a few weeks ago comes to me stating that she wants to go back to work???? I say we tried that and it didn’t work, you fought with me all the time to stay home even though we couldn’t afford it. She then says that I control her since I don’t want her to go back to work. Again???? I never said that, I just want her to think about stuff before she immediately makes decisions. Sometimes I feel she can be extremely impulsive. I find myself walking on egg shells all the time at home over the little things she expects from me. If I don’t do them, then I get scolded. She is extremely controlling with me around the kids, if I try and do anything with the baby, she hovers and then grabs him saying I am doing it wrong. She has recently accused me of being controlling. When I called her out over her accusations that I am controlling, she then goes on to accuse me of being abusive.
Then I call her out over those and she doesn’t have an answer. I ask how do I abuse you? How do I control you? She uses examples from many years ago, one of them was like 12 years ago, and they were a stretch. I am not perfect, but I am sure we have all done stuff throughout our lives that we aren’t proud of, and when those years of indescretions are combined, as a whole they could paint us as monsters. She never seems to forgive and forget and holds onto past hurts forever, almost as a safety blanket. I can apologize for something and find myself apologizing for it for years and years. Always seems to be used against me to guilt me and make me feel bad during an argument. Stress definately triggers her overreactions. It is the impulsiveness and the inhumanness of her actions and reactions that cause me to beleive she might be BP. My family thinks I am crazy for still loving her, and maybe I am. I like everyone on here sees the beauty of the person when they aren’t that monster. I know it isn’t her when she has these “episodes”. So, what do people think, is my wife BP?
Luke, I can’t help but feel bad for you. I read these stories and sense a commonality. The leaving and then coming back. The reality “normal” side and then the monster side. My wife has said things like she wishes she was dead too, and that she wants to eat herself to death. She has an eating disorder and is overweight and has a horrible self image issue and sometimes will ask me why I love her. She says sometimes that she basically doesn’t want to take care of herself until she just dies. But then a few days later will look into being a physical therapist or a dietician or running a marathon and then start working out. I tell friends and family this and they just shake their heads. My family thinks I should just focus on the kids and try and remain the only normal parent for them as a role model. My oldest son is very intuitive and I think is picking up on her behavior. I would love for my wife to get diagnosed. I have no doubt there is some mental issue. I think that is the hardest part, them admitting there is a problem with themselves, since nothing is ever their fault.
hi sharon,
you have been so helpful to me, could you email me so we can discuss our previous posts further? my email is iloveclassicrock@hotmail.com
thanks so much red (rachael)
ps and to everyone on this post struggling with their bipolar partners’ leaving, please try to have the strength to let them go if you can…this relationship brought me, an otherwise stable, happy, together, confident person who used to have a strong backbone, to their knees and i’m still taking too long to get over it.
Thanks panda I feel bad for you too.I was wondering if someone on here with experience could tell me wether they think there is ever any chance of having a fairly normal stable relaitionship if she decides to really stick with the meds or wether the pattern of the past will be the pattern of the future.Can bi-olar sufferers really change or would it always be the same obviously no one can see the future and situations differ from person to person but any input/advice would be appreciated
i’ve been in a relationship with this boy j for the past 4-5 months. us even getting together was a bad situation, because he was my ex’s good friend. also, we started off as a very physical fling, but as time went on we developed genuine feelings for each other.
over the last 5 months, he has broken up with me 7 times. the last time we broke up (and have stayed broken up) was about a month ago, in end july. right now, we’re not officially back together. things are in a dramatic push/pull right now.
one week he cold-shoulders me, and tells me he has no more feelings for me, no longer gives a shit about what i do, doesn’t want to care/try anymore, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.
the next week he caves, and tells me he has never stopped loving me, and wants me to promise to tell him everything (because i hide certain things from him, things that i’m afraid might hurt him), and that he wants me to show him that i love him more than anything else in the world.
unfortunately, against my better judgment, i’ve been trying to confront him about what we are, and where we stand. we’re both ‘single’ but both emotionally attached to one another. i still consider him ‘mine’ and he considers me ‘his’. and this confrontation frustrated him and so yesterday he told me he thinks it’s the best for the both of us if we take a break from each other. he says he’s not sure what he feels towards me.
and then last night we argued online, and he exploded on me again, told me to do whatever i want, because he doesn’t want to be there for me anymore, and that i should just go ahead and find someone else to take care of me.
i’m certain that i still want him. i love him to the point that even though i keep feeling hurt by him, i want to shower him with the affection i feel he really deserves.
i hope someone with bipolar can advise me what to do on this… i have the feeling that he wants me to reassure him and to smother him with love and affection, but with him pushing me away so fiercely i’m afraid i might aggravate him instead
please help me.
A book I am reading that I am hoping will help me deal with this is “Codependent No More”. I think BP’s create codependents. Red, you are right, letting go is really the only healthy thing for us. I was strong too. I gave my heart and life to her and in marriage and close relationships that is a healthy and normal thing when you trust that person. In my situation she uses my love for her against me. I try explaining it to family and they don’t understand. You see this person when they are normal and they are loving, and everything is wonderful, like it should be, and then your world is turned upside down and you become a whipping post, a doormat. What keeps you in it. I thought about this a lot, and the only answer I can say is that since you know deep down it isn’t their fault, you almost feel sorry for them. That is the codependency. Thinking of others before yourself.
In my case I didn’t start seeing the crazy behavior until much later, 2 years into the relationship. Up until then I thought our problems were all because of me and didn’t think it was abnormal for her to create a list of faults of mine. It was my first serious relationship so I was clueless. I was made to beleive that I was always the problem. The first real sign of abnormal behavior was when she was in grad school and stressed out of her mind. She would be so vicious and cold. It seemed so inhuman. Monster is the best word to describe it. I started connecting the dots with the stress link much later when we had our first baby. The problem is life is full of stresses. Granted her blowups now are much less than they were, certainly less monsterish, but still just as cold. I think it is due to the fact she doesn’t work now and is home with the baby. Now I realize I am doing everything I can and it still isn’t enough. Letting go is the hardest thing because you know it isn’t their fault. I am really hoping this book helps me. I am envious of those of you whos significant others are on meds. My wife has only been diagnosed depressed at this point. I fully expect her to go ahead with the divorce, but then again, she has done this before, though each time she seems to up the ante.
i am also a girlfriend of a man with bipolar, or should i say, fiance. I am torn in so many directions right now. The largest problem of the relationship, is his mother. She also is bipolar, and cannot let go of her baby. She currently lives with us, and pretty much refuses to leave and live with her own husband. She has only been married 3 months and she refuses to move in with him, because she says her baby needs her. We are just fine when she is not here. She has these WILLLDDD episodes, that even sends me in a whirlwind. She is always trying to pin me and my fiance against eachother. She is always making up these wild lies which make the home front verryyyy unstable. My fiance is soo up and down. He worrys soo much about his mother and soo many other things. The way he puts things is, like comparing me to his mother. I can’t bake as good as she does, or cook as good as she does, or even clean like she does. I feel like im in constant competition with his mother. This is more than enough to make me crazy. The largest problem with this situation, is his mother does EVERYTHING for him, then puts it on me to do everything. The man don’t even know how to use a washer. He doesn’t know how to do dishes, shit he don’t even know where his medication is kept. He honestly doesn’t even know what medication he is taking. I have looked at the bottles many times, and theres a big problem. Hes taking 5 different pills, only 3 of which are his and only one is for depression, the other two are for his stomach and his back pain. The other two have HER NAME on them! I don’t even know how to go about that situation!
Then hes like so up and down with our relationship. He has like a porn addiction, like a serious one. Since ive confronted him about 100 times he slowly came to a complete stop. But now he goes on craigslist and looks at the personal adds and only ones with pictures. Its always the women for men adds. It has even gone to his myspace. He is messaging many many many females, requesting them as friends, and just looking at pictures. It tears me up! Especially because our first month together, we were having sex at least twice a day. Now honestly im lucky if its once a month. We have been together a short amount of time, only about 5 months. We decided on getting married, beacause im leaving for the military. I was supposed to leave in September, but now my date got pushed back until next June. I have tried sooo many things to get him to have sex with me. Ive worn the sexy outfits or just jumpin on him completely naked. I was actually giving him oral sex the one day, because i had confronted him about the sex situation and he told me he wanted me to take control. So i did, and he flat out just laid there no noises, no movement, NOTHING. And i started my way up to his face n he said im sorry i got alot on my mind, and LITTERALLY pushed me away! I could have just dropped dead on the spot! He says o its not you, i just think alot!
He doesn’t speak to my family. I try toonnsss of things to like get him to interact, but nothing works. He keeps to himself 100%! When we’re home, its like we live two seperate lives. He is always either sleeping, or playing his xbox, or on the computer! I have caught him texting many many other girls, but when i confront him, waaattcchhh ouutt!! Its like it is my fault for finding it! He tells me, you look to hard, or its your own fault for digging. Honestly i don’t dig, ive gotten on the computer from time to time and when i type in a website ones hes visited have come up and when i see that hes been talking to girls of course im going to look at the history. Which is when i find more and worse. He has changed his passwords for everything, and hiding his phone. I feel like a fat ugly piece of shit anymore. If i do confront him about anyything, it gets turned around on me and he blows his gasget punching walls and things, and swearing at me. And after all of that, tells me he loves me so much and doesn’t ever want to be without me. And begs me never to leave him. I get so confused when all of this happens. Its almost like hes subconsiously asking me to leave, but doesn’t actually want to say it so he doesn’t look like a bad guy. He never talks to me about anything thats going on. If i mention ANY guys name he automatically thinks im cheating with them. Ive never been a cheater and my last relationship was baaddd. I was cheated on and had NO idea, and my ex ended up with two girls pregnant and didn’t even have the guts to tell me the girls boyfriend, and sister told me about it. So i am so afraid of that happening again and i see all of these things. And the way he reacts to everything its soooooo hard to handle! He hears me speak of a guy or a guy says hi to me when were out in public n he 100% shuts down. He wont speak to me for days, until hes good and ready to like “confront me” with what hes been thinking. He always ends up appolagising because its always something little and stupid. He says my mind just runs miles i can’t help it im sorry.
I keep telling him i want to move south after i get out of the military but he doesn’t want to. It almost seems as if he wants to stay close to his mom. Everytime something happens, like he gets good news he calls his mommy, not me. When something bad happens, he calls his mommy crying. I cant handle no communication. I do EVERYTHING for him, cook, clean, do his laundry(wash, dry, fold/hang up, and put it all away) put out his meds, wake him up in the morning for work(he doesn’t wake up to an alarm clock, i have to set the alarm for an hour before he has to be up and wake him up about every 10 minutes for that whole hour so as he says he can “adjust”). When i say anything to him about asking for some help he says I WORK! what do you do? At that point i just wana lose my mind. Most of the time i bite my tounge because when i do say something things get waayy out of control. I cannot keep living like this. I have no one to talk to about it either, because i don’t want anyone to think bad of him, or me for being so crazy about all of this! Ive alienated myself from everyone and everything! Everytime i walk out of the door, he goes to check and make sure all of my things are still here. Most of the time, i don’t go ANYWHERE because everytime i do go somewhere he finds some reason to fight with him while im there and when i come home. I love him, i truely truely do, that is why i have stuck around all this time. I just do not know what to do, because i do not want to get married if things are going to keep getting worse like they have been.
If anyone has any suggestions on what i should do, please i would appreciate any help i can get!!
dear panda,
thanks for pointing out the codependency issues, i had not even thought of that and that is a huge part of all this. about the meds…my ex was on meds and still the mood changes and constant breaking up. i was told by many friends who are therapists that meds only even a person out so they are functional in society – hold down job, take care of kids, but it does not eliminate the swings jsut makes them less bad so they can function, and they still are incapable of having deep meaningful stable love relationships.
Red,
I have heard that the meds help them be happier and have more stable moods. I hope that is not true about the meds. I can’t beleive that she will be unhappy for the rest of her life.
My wife can hold down a job and take care of the kids. In fact she tries to be the best mother in the world to the point it exhausts her. She tries so hard but is so unhappy. She gets depressed but is a functioning person. She can do things and get stuff done, but is just plain unhappy. I am blamed for every little thing. I am blamed for her unhappiness. She is depressed most of the time and stresses can trigger her to “not love me” then leave me. Then a month or two later, she adores me and is so lucky to have me. She is so confident when she makes a snap decision to leave me, so cold, no emotion. I can only beleive this would be the mania side. My answer has been to try and lessen the amount of stresses in her life (triggers), but that just makes the mood swings less dramatic and less frequent, a good thing, but she still is unhappy and blames me and still has a blow up every now and then. I think she is telling her family that I am abusive and controlling, because they seem to run to her rescue. She will do that and then run to me complaining that she can’t take them anymore. She has told me I am abusive and controlling though I just can’t see it. I constantly feel I am walking on eggshells around her. She has always been a hot head, quick to temper and I always thought that is just something that is her, not a disorder. She definately got that from her father, because he quit jobs all the time. I have heard that her father slept around a lot and cheated on her mother. I have heard that there are strong genetic ties. It seems to run in families. She told me recently before this last blowup she wanted to move to a different house, she recently told me she wanted to change careers, she has no hobbies and can’t seem to do anything other than work or take care of the kids or clean. Clean like crazy. She is tired a lot of the time, and I never seem to do enough. She has quit her last job to be less stressed and work far less from home due to my suggestion. That worked for a little bit and she was happy about the decision, but even that was not enough. The birth of our next baby through her into severe depression, and the blaming and anger seemed to get a lot worse. She blamed me for not making enough money since obviously her lack of income hurt us financially so we couldn’t do the things we did before like eat out a lot etc… In fact it is almost always my fault. She now says that I controlled her by not wanting her to work.??? She didn’t want to work, she made that very clear, in fact years of her yelling at me that she wanted to stay home with the kids but we couldn’t afford it. Now I am “controlling” her to not want her to work? I would love for her to work, but I know whether or not she works is not going to make her happy. By not working she at least has less stress and I have found that to be a trigger.
The book is great, and I have no doubt that people can detach, but when kids are involved and the very nature of who this person you are in love with is, makes it extremely difficult to let go, they never seem to let you. They manipulate you into wanting them back. They know how to use your feelings for them. It is so bizarre. Someone standing on the sideline would probably say RUN!, but you can’t because you love them so much and you know it isn’t their fault. The fact that Rachel, a therapist, could get intwined in the situation of obsessing over the other is telling. Codependency is a huge part of this. They create codependency in the other and that allows them to come back at will. I am struggling with ddetaching even though I know it is what is best for me.
the common denominator in most of these posts seems to be the person with bipolar loving their partner then suddenly not loving them. this is no way for someone to live. i think that ends up being emotional abuse, whether or not it is caused by bipolar.
Im hearing you Red. Thats how i feel about my ex. ive said ex so many times because been so on and off constantly but its like i never existed to her or thats how it feels now. Shes ignoring me completely. Im even becoming highly emotional and panicky as she was with me. Although even through the bad patches i always felt like she still loved me but now i dont. Shes so cold. Ive not seen her for a month now. Im OK but then im not. Im so up and down but i miss her so much. i feel like my world is over without her even though i know its not. Ive been so consumed with her life that now she not around i feel so empty. Its not relief though because i miss her so much. Im feeling so many things. I feel angry because ive been manipulated, i feel hurt, abused and completely tossed aside. She implies that i have done this by my actions but i didnt i wanted us to meet in the middle, talk resolve, wanted her to give a shit about me for change?! Is that bad? That im not strong enough to cope with my own problems and hers? I could take the weight a lot of the time. i think she thinks i blame her and that she didnt try hard enough try but thats not always the case. Its when i tried to talk to her abotu things that could benefit both of us and she woudl think i was attacking her. I still feel useless and worthless. She says im no good for her. I havent told many people abotu anything thats happened because im scared of them rolling their eyes at me and also in the hope that she will care in time but she doesnt. Im sorry im starting to babble. I find i tend to come on here when im really upset because it reassures me to know that people know what im goign through but i come across as a bambling girl with a broken heart. But thats exactly what i am. My heart is broken. It belongs to her. I miss her so much it kills me.
Emotional abuse for sure. Another thing I would add as a common denominator is that the other person generally obsesses over it, becomes a codependent. I know I have.
Generally would you say there is a huge lack of empathy for the other person, the non bipolar person. Like they or their feelings don’t matter. I would say that is something I have noticed, my wife seems inhuman emotionless when she is her manic phase. The blame for her unhappiness seems directed at me and I am labled a monster. My 7 year old son seems to be getting some of it as well. I never really saw it before she left and now being away from it and thinking about it, I see what is happening. It scares me that she has him now 2 and a half hours away at her parents and I only get to see him on weekends. I am planning on talking to a lawyer to find out about my rights. My son says he would rather live with me, I wonder why. My other son is just a baby, so I am not sure I would be able to afford to care for him, but I might be able to get my 7 year old to a safe location.
Sometimes I wonder if she has borderline personality disorder as she shows signs of that as well, overeating, talking of suicide, seeing black and white, projecting. Is there a sure deliniation between the two, or is it common to sees signs of both? I feel overwhelmed.
i love this post. it really lets me know i’m not alone in facing emotional abuse like this. but somehow, even though i’m conscious of the fact that logically, i shouldn’t have to put up with his shit, with all the verbal abuse he throws at me every so often. somehow i feel that HE’S worth the effort, he’s worthwhile. :/
my friends and family think i’m insane for holding on to him even when he shouts at me and tells me he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore, that i just don’t matter, that he doesn’t love me anymore. but… afterwards, he always shows that he still DOES care, that he can’t seem to stop himself from caring for me. he even told me the next morning that ‘i somehow still want to be with you but somehow everytime i’m with you i think of the bad memories’.
i have been trying my best to make him happy, but the little things that make him unhappy… he broods over them and it turns into anger and resentment towards me. it’s very, very bothersome
also, i get the feeling that when he tells me hurtful things and pushes me away, he’s sort of DARING me to walk away from him first. and if i do, he’ll be all self-piteous and ‘wounded’, and perhaps that’d make it easier for him to move on as well. i don’t know, i could be lying to myself, but that’s the way i see it, judging from the… 8 times we’ve broken up within these few months. we just can’t seem to stay away from each other.
Yes emotional abuse it is, when my ex goes through episodes its like shes an emotional vampire as if my pain and heartbreak gives her strength as if the fact that she can inflict so much pain with so little effort empowers and validates her.Its usually not until she sees that I’m feeling better about the leaving that she becomes unsure of herself.Like someone said in a previous post bi-polar makes them feel hurt so they inturn hurt others the abused become abusers even though its bi-polar abusing them not another person and who is the easiest target?the one person closest to you and all they have to do to hurt you is take away the one thing that you cherish and need most-their love-it took me along time to realise this many years of emotional abuse for along time I blamed myself before she was diagnosed,which is probably one of the main reasons I keep forgiving her but emotional abuse is abuse and can be just as powerfull or sometimes more powerfull than physical abuse.Never make the mistake of thinking you are weak for forgiving it just means you care very much about the person and thats a good thing but if someone is not willing to change they never will you can’t wish it on them or force them.Ive given this girl the love of my life chance after chance to make the effort to stick with meds etc..but I’ve now found the strength to walk away if you love something set it free maybe loosing you will be the trigger for them to change DONT PUT UP WITH ABUSE no matter what the reason I was a strong person she brought me to my knees and I’m finaly standing again but its taken a long time-all the best guys
All of you please read about narcissism – have a look on narcissism cured – all mental health problems closely resemble each other so please take a peak and see what you think. i have and it is helping me a lot with a lot of issues not only about them but myself too. i wish someone had said this to me a few years ago. M x
Most people who have been disgnosed with bipolar have been abused as children right? or wrong? so have people with NPD narcisstic personality disorder, and anxiety and depression like bipolar, they have an emotional age of a child. please take a look. M
The bipolar man I dated was severely abused (physically and psychologically by his stepfather).
I also looked up narcissistic personality disorder because his behaviour towards me was like the rage of narcissistic injury, after which, I was discarded into oblivion, without him ever trying to contact me or see me again, as if I were/am dead.
I am not sure whether it is narcissism or bipolar 1.
If it’s narcissism, he will never come back.
If it’s bipolar 1, there’s always the chance he may remember and feel remorse and perhaps call.
Oh Josie,
i am so glad i was able to read your posts.. i cannot even begin to detail my experiences…i tried but was unable to send them for some reason.. i am going to try and send this again to see if it gets to you and others who feel like their heart has been ripped out… i am married and carry not only the guilt of giving in to a friend i grew to love and trust…but the pain and torment of being cast aside like a piece of rubbish never to be contacted again…the pain the confusion it has been 7 months of hell on earth.
How are you going at the moment?
best regards,
hope to speak with you again?
Hi Bonnie,
I am so sorry about what you’re going through. I have been going throrugh the same hell since January first. At first I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I honestly don’t know how I did survive. The anguish was so overwhelming, I had to take time off work and I started seeing a therapist. I joined this post, which has helped me immensely, because I understood finally, that it wasn’t me, but his disease that made him behave so horribly towards me.
He used to call me two or three times a day, sometimes even nine times (in retrospect, it could have been mania) and sometimes he even woke me up at midnight to tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.
I have been in a dead marriage for over ten years and what I mean by dead is that there are no feelings on my part and no physical intimacy at all. We have lived separate lives for over ten years. When I met this other man, I wasn’t thinking of falling in love. He came on to me so sweetly, as a friend and he was so kind. He was so handsome and so charming, and so intellectual, that although I was very nervous and didn’t want to fall in love, I did. He disarmed me with his kindness and swept me off my feet.
A few months into our friendship, he urged me to leave my emotionally abusive marriage. I told him I should wait until I was more financially stable and my kids were finished college, but he (an ex financial advisor) told me it was nonsense and that for my sanity I should do it as soon as possible and that the money aspect would work itself out. He told me he couldn’t wait until I was single, so he could take me to meet his relatives and the house he grew up in as a child; and then we could go out on real dates, in public, like normal couples. He was always worried for me, that my husband would see us when we went out for coffee.
Well, I did leave my home. I moved into an apartment. He was there emotionally for me, calling a few times a day to make sure I was OK and giving me moral support. At Christmas he took off the gold chain he always wore and put it on me. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I could feel that he was really being honest.
Then came New Year’s. He called to say that he didn’t do New Year’s Eve because his ex wife ruined it for him, so he never goes out on that evening. I found this a bit weird and at a gut level didn’t believe it, but I accepted it, as I was too busy getting organized in my new apartment.
On New Year’s Day he called me twice, once in the morning and once in the afternoon to tell me that he wanted to take me shopping for a new car that week. He also told me he had been invited by a guy down the street for a few drinks at his house.
That evening at around 9:30, I called him to say “Good Night.” He said he had brought home a young woman, who was too drunk to drive home. She was at the get together he had attended that afternoon and he knew her from the pub he goes to every day. I thought this was very odd. If she was too drunk to drive home, why hadn’t she stayed over at the host’s home to sleep? Why did he bring her overnight at his house? He told me not to get upset because he was already so upset about the fact that her jealous boyfriend had yelled at him on the phone. Her boyfriend wanted to come and pick her up to take her home, but he wouldn’t allow him to.
This felt just too “weird” for me. My gut feelings were telling me that this story didn’t add up. So, I did something I shouldn’t have done. I drove by his house. Her car was in the driveway, which further confirmed my suspicions. If she was too drunk to drive, then how did her car get there?
Anyways, I knocked on the door (the biggest mistake) and she came to the door, but couldn’t unlock it. He did not come to the door. I saw that she was beautiful. My heart sank and I walked away and drove off.
I called him to ask him, “what the heck is going on?” and he said “you’re an idiot”.
This is the guy who loved me, and for whom I had rushed to move out for.
I went home crying and distraught I took off the gold chain he had given me and wrote him a note that said how much I loved him, but that he was free to do whatever he wanted and that I wasn’t going to hold him back. I was heartbroken.
I placed the envelope in his mailbox.
The following day he didn’t call me as he usually did.
That evening I called but he didn’t reply.
I drove by and knocked. I guess I just wanted to say in words: “I love you and please tell me if you don’t love me or if you still do.”
He dialled 911 and when I heard him say my name
to the police officer, I almost died.
That was the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me. It was worse than my father’s dying when I was 19.
Since that horrible day, he has never tried to contact me again.
I have seen him in parking lots and driving by me and he pretends he doesn’t see me.
I emailed him in May and he replied that I am ugly and old and he doesn’t like the way I dress, so he is not interested. He added the “f… off” expression at the end of it.
He never told me he was bipolar, but he had told me he took lithium for depression. He had had several electroconvulsive shock treatments and visited a mental health clinic every couple of weerks
to get his meds adjusted. He had two failed marriages and many failed relationships, which he ended in very rude ways. He told me that when his wife left him, he locked the door behind her and never let her in again. One girlfriend ended up in the hospital for the grief. I should have known better, but he was so kind to me that I couldn’t foresee him doing something horrible to me. I figured I was different. I was kind and polite and understanding. None of that mattered.
Now, I am finally beginning to feel good again. It has been nine months. One of the ladies on this post: Red, has suggested Topix Forum and I have joined that. That has helped me more than anything else.
Please write me back. If you like I can give you my email address.
Please take care!
Hugs,
Josie
Hi Josie,
i still feel unable to write it all down but want to thank you again so very much for answering me..Has anything changed for you..how are you feeling and coping? i am going to keep trying to formulate how to write it all down it may have to be privately at first..
thankyou so very much again
Bonnie x
Bonnie,
I am doing a lot better, although I often still feel very sad about losing what I believed was my big chance at true love. I truly loved this guy, and still do, in spite of the horrible ending.
I met him at the store a week ago and he acted as if nothing had happened.
I still have strong feelings for him when I saw him, but I don’t know what to think. Right now it’s just a wait and see thing. I am not as gullible as before. Now I am wary.
Josie last time you replied you offered your email address if i wanted it… could i please have that now?
Regards,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie,
I have replied to your email with my email address. I didn’t know if I should post it on this forum for everyone else to see, however, if you should not receive it, I will send it again, through this post.
It’s so nice to get your message. If I can be of help, I am here for you. I have gone through hell and back, and now, he’s back again. I will keep you posted.
Hi Josie,
i wrote you a test email on what i thought was your email address but it didnt really seem like it..it said donotreply or something…anyway did you recieve anything from me from my email address… i would like to write about every thing that happened just srugglin a bit still but i will briefly give you an overall snapshot below …can you let me know how to contact you cos you havnt answered the last two maybe you didnt recieve?
How are you doing anyway…i am so very up and down and just keep going over and over stuff… this person seduced me then actually blabbed the most personal details to mutual friends and said how he never respected me and that i was a freak and a space cadet… my girlfriend who i loved and trusted then chose to affiliate herself with him so i lost both of their friendships and have been left humiliated exposed and pornographically described to others…
…i just wanna die sometimes
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
My email address is j_andrews@sympatico.ca
please email me and we can talk further.
Believe me, I have been in the same state as you are now.
It’s been hell.
I have finally, after nine months, arrived at a psychological place of peace and self love again.
It’s not you.
It’s him.
He is bipolar.
When he loses control of his frontal lobe, it’s not even his fault. It’s the disease. Of course, just by looking at him, you can’t tell, because he looks just like a regular, nice human being, but inside his brain, he has a chemical disease called “bipolar disorder”, which lets him behave in unrestrained ways, without any reasoning.
I will send you another website with a video for you to check out.
Please put your heart at ease.
You have to believe that you are a wonderful, beautiful person. You have loved someone so much and that’s not a sin. It’s human, and it’s a good thing.
He cannot appreciate it at the moment because he is not OK/ not normal.
Email me. I want to help in any way I can.
Josie
God knows how much pain I have gone through too and it cannot all be for nothing.
Hey Josie,
Can you just let me know if you are you there…? written several times and no reply..are you doing ok/
Bonnie…
Hi Bonnie,
Yes, I am here.
I replied a week or so ago, with my email address. It is j_andrews@sympatico.ca
If you would like to email me directly you may do so. I would love to help you out in any way I can. Please email me and we will chat further.
I hope you’re doing OK. I was worried about you and God knows how much I relate to your pain, since it has taken me nine months to get over mine.
Take good care of yourself.
Talk to you soon,
Josie
How do you know if you just really are no good for them though? everyone has their vices. I guess mine is smoking weed but she was drug induced psychosis but failed to tell me that when we first got together. I quit the weed for about a year but we broke up again so i started again. I know its a bad habit but it doesnt take over my life. Obviously that wouldnt of been great for her. But im one of the most laid back, patient and understanding people i know (especially after been with her) I always tried to reason and compromise but still im a bad person?
I find it so hard to know when the bipolar is talking and when its her. What do i listen to because i cant disregard things that she says. Sometimes i believe she could just get angry?! I felt like i could tell teh difference with her anger but everything else like intimacy, communicating, conversation i just didnt know what was real. I still dont now and it hurts so much. People tell me she loves me does she really? I wish i could grasp what was real and what wasnt. It hurts to not know how much of it was real. Like was i ever really loved?
Its funny because ive been reading back through some of my posts and the more time has gone on i sound like her. Feeling sorry for myself like im the victim but im coming to realise i really was the victim well i feel like one now. I was much stronger in a way when i was with her as i stood up for myself. Now its like im evaluating everything and STILL making allowances for things and questioning myself about everything. Its such a cruel disease to be around. So why do i miss been with her so much?
Grrr :-/
Hi josie, i really think there is a fine line between bipolar and narcissism. have a look at kim and steve coopers website, its called narcissism cured, it is fab, i am so glad i found it. Kim really is great, please read it and you will see. it is so very helpful, i wish i’d found it sooner. please have a look. x
Hi Michelle,
I had looked up narcissism, but this website you suggested is awesome.
I especially feel that this quote from it depicts perfectly how I am feeling because of his actions towards me:
“partners of narcissists are often enraged by how callously their partners can ‘cast them aside’ with no explanation. ”
I feel as if I have been left to die and he doesn’t care.
I found something on codependency that made me feel better. A lot of people who stay in relationships with bipolar people are codependent. Basically this counselor makes the argument that being codependent in and of itself is not bad. In fact codependent people are usually very giving and caring. Mother Theresa was probably the biggest codependent. Think about it, if everyone was codependent, wouldn’t the world be a better place? The problem arises when a codependent person meets someone with dysfunction.
Luke, the feeling better and then she comes back is so true. Everytime I seem to get my life together and feel more calm and confident, she then seems to doubts her feelings, like if he is OK with me leaving then I must have something good. It is bizarre. I have read posts from bipolars on here that say that they can’t accept the other loves them and so doubt it. That would make sense, if you show love, they can’t accept it and feel threatened, but if you don’t, then they feel comfortable and safe. Like reverse psychology. For me, my wife seems to up the ante each time. This time she filed for divorce yet I haven’t recieved the paperwork. I plan on filing as well since she took the kids 180 miles away. My older son has a great relationship with me and my other son is only 7 months old. My older son says he wants to live with just me and has said this even when things were “OK”. He has come to me saying she is doing it again referring to her anger. Quite telling. I believe her moods are affecting his relationship with his mom, and I worry about the long term affects of living with a bipolar. I know it has taken its toll on me. How will it affect him when I am not there as the target? Will he get more? Maybe she will come to her senses and come back and then I can hopefully get her into treatement, but at this point I have to think of the kids and myself not her.
In regards to everyones suggestion there is a fine line between these disorders, I think that is so true. I think mental disorders are like finger prints. Yes, some people have the same swirls, but they are all different. We as humans like to categorize people.
Does anyone on here have a genaral idea of how long the manic phase lasts? In the sense that even when it is over at what point does she view me as important enough to disregard her feelings of anger towards me. Or do these feelings of anger disappear once the manic phase is over?
There is no reasoning with her when she is in the manic phase. I talked to her the other night on the phone about her putting the interests of the kids first and consider coming back so I can be closer to my kids. She said she did consider them and that our oldest is happy. Of course he is 180 miles away and only gets to see me on the weekends. Him and I are much closer than she and him. He says he wants to live with me. She said that if I am saying I am going for custody that I can expect a fight. She ended the phone call by calling me an @sshole, really out of the blue. I talked to her today and she seemed a little more reasonable, but stated she definately wants to divorce me, and doesn’t want to be near me, stated matter of factly, very confidently. That her mom can watch the kids while she goes to school to be a physcial therapist. Years ago she didn’t want to work and wanted to stay home, and I can’t tell you the mental abuse I took for her not being able to do that since I didn’t make enough money. So she continued to work as a contract recruiter. She has a degree and is very intelligent. Eventually we moved to a cheaper state her home state, where we are currently and now she isn’t working and got what she wanted since she was home with the kids and now she wants to go back to work????? It is just amazing the want something don’t want it attitude that bipolars seem to have. I have three questions that I would love answers for.
Are bipolars searching for an elusive happiness that they will never find?
At what point will she possibly see what she is doing is wrong? Will she? Or will she continue down this road since she might look foolish not to in front of friends and family?
What steps can I take to help her come to her senses?
Any suggestions from people with bipolar would be most appreciated. Any ideas from people in my circumstance would also be welcomed.
hi panda
i want to say first please also go see a therapist and get their advice, i don’t want you to go on secondhand advice. my close friend who is a well known therapist advised me you cannot reason with an unreasonable person, regarding my situation with ex bf. he also said you cannot make sense of a person who does not make sense. my own therapist said bp people have “bipolar rage” which can be scary. in my opinion yes they are searchign for happiness that will always elude them. my ex said he was a perfectionist and never happy with anything. in the words of mary j blige, “doesn’t matter if you go along with their plan, they’ll never be happy cause they’re not happy with themselves.”
hang in there.
ps the past couple weeks i have taking the energy and thought that i had been putting into endlessly thinking about my ex bf and analyzing what i did wrong/obsessing etc. (btw that was an excellent point in a previous post about the non bp partners all obsessing about the relationship)…i have been putting that energy into looking for a new relationship. so far i am meeting new people who seem to actaully want commitment, stability, and happiness and an even keeled life. talking to new people has gotten my mind unstuck from thinking about him and wanting him back. at least i know there are other people out there that will appreciate my kindness and actually want to give it back and have a good life and that actaully exists. i don’t want him and the drama and uncertainty back anymore. i want someone stable to like and love me consistently. i am goign to keep on keeping on until i find it and get into a good relationship. i am not going to waste my time, life and money on therapy trying to figure him out anymore or get him back. i hope others can try to meet other people too. there are nice people liek us out there to be in relationships with. keep the faith everyone!
hey everybody,
i’ve been reading posts for a while, but my situation is so complicated, it seems like it would take forever to describe it. but here goes.
my wife hasn’t been diagnosed, but has always had mood swings. (together almost ten years, married eight.) a year and a half ago, she started having sudden depressive episodes that would last a few weeks, followed by periods of two or three months where everything was fine. we were about to move cross country, i got into a great school in new orleans, she was excited about it, then she started totally breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming without provocation, etc. she stabilized for about a week, and we decided to go ahead with the move, she’d feel better once we were gone. the house was half-packed up, we’d sold our airconditioner and bookshelves and kitchen table, we were just about to rent a u-haul. . .
then i woke up one morning and she was gone.
all year, she’d been insisting she was sick of the city we were living in, sick to death of her job (she’s a teacher). she even told them she wasn’t coming back in the fall, even before we had our plans finalized.
i saw her a couple times in june, she said she doesn’t want her CDs, books, photos, clothes, family heirlooms, nothing.
she went on five impulsive vacations this summer, took a lot of acid and mushrooms at some rainbow family gathering, was generally incredibly energetic and impulsive and totally self-absorbed. she says she doesn’t care what happens to our cats–they were her babies for nine years–and since early july she hasn’t been readiing my emails or listening to my voicemails, won’t communicate about things like car insurance or taxes, turned off my electricity without warning. at first she had said she wasn’t angry at me and just needed to go on a “spirit quest” and needed “freedom.” she kept on saying that over and over again, “freedom.”
but now, she’s treating me like i’m a monster, saw me in a parking lot and didn’t even wave, finally filed for divorce. i’ve been looking for work all summer, but haven’t been able to find a job. i’ve been totally abandoned, and none of our friends in town are speaking to me, i have no idea what she told them. we have a happy marriage and there’s been no cheating, abuse, serious fights, etc. she told me after she left that i was too controlling. . . that was me trying to take care of her! i think she must be hypomanic, she’s back at work now and i guess functioning ok. i told her when i ran into her that i’d give her a fast, easy divorce if she would just sit down and talk to me about it for five minutes. she refused. she can’t even look me in the eye. she doesn’t want either of our vehicles and bought a car with some money from her mom (i think). she’s cut out all her old friends, too, including her best friend who was here phone confidante. she’s only hanging out with new people, people who can’t tell anything’s wrong with her.
i just can’t believe she wants to go through a divorce while she’s in this crazy, angry state. it’ll cost us far more money than either of us have (i have none). she can only lose going through a divorce since i can ask for spousal support since she’s been working and i’ve been staying home doing all the cooking, cleaning, errands, etc., she hasn’t been able to handle any of that, i pack her lunches and wash her underwear. meanwhile i’m trying to get my writing career off the ground, and i was going to go back to school since i was starting to get worried about her being able to hang onto a job.
how long can this last? she hasn’t said she doesn’t love me, that’s good, hasn’t said we aren’t compatible. we’ve barely communicated in two months and she told a mutual friend i’m “blocking her progress.” how, exactly? i think she can’t get me out of her head, and it’s pissing her off. she also told him the anger just came on, and she’s not even sure what she’s angry about but some of it is at herself.
how do i stop or put off this divorce? it’s going to destroy any chance of us getting back together, is what i’m afraid of, or having any real relationship. all over the house are little notes she used to leave me (recently!) saying how she’d love mem forever. she’s being so stubborn. . . why can’t she deal with talking to me at least about having an amicable divorce? how can she just walk away from ten years of her life? we went through everything together, we got married when she was kicked out of her family (her father’s bipolar and abusive), we were homeless for awhile, we used to have problems in our relationship but worked through them, and now she just needs to do her own thing?
i can’t stop thinking about this, we’re codependent, i know. . .
doug
I feel like your wife and I are the same person. I felt sick to my stomach just reading your post….too close to home, I guess.
I’m searching my mind to find some words of wisdom to offer you. You are such a loving, kind man, and you obviously love your wife tremendously.
I can only share my experience, which may not be much, but here goes:
When I’ve done radical things like you describe your wife doing in the story (i.e., divorce, new friends, new car) it’s simply because I want a new Self…the old one is too broken and a bright, shiny new one is so appealing! It’s as if I honestly believe that, by changing what’s happening on the outside, in fact, changing EVERYTHING on the outside, I will magically be transformed into the Perfect Woman with No Problems.
And guess what? It works for awhile!!
The new friends think I’m fabulous, my new job thinks I’m amazing, and the new guy is madly in love. (I have a completely different identity in another state where a man I’ve been seeing for two years, friends and a new life awaits.) (I should mention here that I am married, and this “Identity Seeking” has pretty much destroyed my marriage.)
Inevitably what happens is that I cannot keep up the facade of Uberwoman….it takes too much work and I cannot sustain the false identity since my identity SHIFTS all the time. I cannot hide the dark, depressed side of who I am for long, and my husband is left to clean up the mess.
Only now, after 18 years, he is leaving me because he can’t take the abuse any longer.
Now, this story isn’t as sad as it sounds, because I have enough people who truly love me, a phenomenal therapist and psychiatrist, and children whom I’ve managed to raise that are pretty amazing. The tough part is that I have to finally grow up, and be accountable for who I am on this planet.
So this is what I would tell you if you were my close friend, given that my husband was VERY codependent with me as well:
Go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting (they’re hard to find but really cool…I went to one a few months ago and they’re definitely tailored for people married to sick partners. It helped me to see what I was doing to my husband.)
Know that this woman loves you…she’s just so uncomfortable in her own skin that the intimacy required to grow is next to unbearable.
Be strong. Set strong, healthy boundaries about how things need to be. I can be one of the most manipulative people (not even consciously!) so that someone will bend their boundaries to accommodate my outrageous requests. (I think therapy is good here, might help.)
O.k., I can’t think of anything else. I hope I don’t sound too moronic. Clearly, I don’t know much but hopefully there’s something here that helps.
Steph, I just wanted to thank you for your honest post. It helps me to understand what she is/was going through – and consequently why my life is upside down. It’s hard to set boundaries when the other person just rails against them. And, in my case the lies were the hardest- “check my email, check my phone” I am not cheating. Of course she had another phone…….another email…….and used Facebook IM to set up all of her affairs. I think Codependents Anonymous is a good idea too. Thanks again for posting and actually all of the folks who have BP on here have been so honest and helpful trying to explain what they feel when they are feeling manic or drop out of sight. It helps to try to gain some kind of clue so I can find closure at least on here if not with my ex.
steph,
thanks so much for your heartfelt reply. this is exactly what my wife is doing. . . trying to shed EVERYTHING and turn herself into a new person. i don’t even feel like she’s running away from me as much as she’s running away from herself. that’s one of the main reasons i’m sure she’s going to come back. but now she wants a divorce. . . i’m afraid that’ll make it impossible. i’ll be here for her, sure, but i’m jealous she’s had this exciting summer and i’ve been sitting here in 106 degree heat without an airconditioner, in intense psychological pain, without any friends or income and having to borrow money from my parents’ meager retirement account just to pay the rent. there are no jobs out here, especially for someone with no degree who hasn’t worked for a while. i’m just finally getting used to not having her around. . . and now divorce? after three months? with no explanation? and she won’t even talk to me. we could stay out of court if we could just talk, even on the phone, for ten minutes, and come to a settlement .
why is she treating me like a monster? all i ever did was love her and try to keep our relationship stable by trying to compromise and negotiate with her on her crazy requests. . .
i’ll look into going to codependents meetings, maybe. . . i’ve been going to bipolar support groups, and people have been telling me to just wait til she crashes, she’ll need me then. . .
but it’s been three months, and i can’t go on with my life because she literally picked up all the pieces of my life and destroyed them!
Hi everyone
I was formerly Polly but then hid my identity cos my ex saw what i read. I dont give a hit if she ever reads any of this anymore cos ive been completely screwed over. For the past month ive been trying to contact her, talk anything but she rejects my calls, didnt replky to my mesages all the while manipulating me. I just found out she is seeing a lad. Told me through text real nice. I onky found out because ive been begging to talk to her. Bi polar is fuckign cruel. It spits you in and spits you out. But right now i dont believe in anything. i hate her. i cant believe how ive been treat. She never been like this before. Ive been treat disgustingly. Ive never felt this much for hate anyone yet so much love at teh same time, I fel destroyed. Just had to leave work cos i had breakdown. She didnt explain a thing. I dont know what was real. Dont even know if she ever loved me. If she was gay even? Ive wasted 2 and a half years on someone who didnt even love me? i have so many questions which i needed her to explain but nothing. Now shes never been this happy and im harassing her? She has no remorse whatspever and wanted me to feel useless about myself whilst she was away this entire time fucking someone else. Be careful people it might not always been the bi polar. Its hard to tell whether its teh illness or whether you just have a complete heartless cock in your life who has no conscience. Who will suck you in and spit you otu teh minute they cant handle it. I feel so stupid so fucking stupid.
Going In Circles,
Just reading your earlier message about how they left and shacked up with someone else. Im feeling taht now. The past month i have been trying to contact every single day. Trying to talk resolve stuff, get thinsg straight cos she was manipulating saying i finished by been the way i was. Now i find out shes the “happiest shes been in years” what was i then? was i real? how can a person go from saying your teh love of their life to “fuck off stop harassing me” ive been at wits end. didnt even tell anyone in the hope that she would care and want to explain.
Whats worst is i have no idea whats gone on? how long? was the loss of sex because of bipolar or not wanting me anymore? Nothing feels real anymore, i cant even move. She been so cruel. Blaming me all this time, making me worthless like im to blame, calling me a coward? i knwo its been going on a while reading back her messages everything just makes sense. She has been avoiding me all this time. I only found out today because i have been begging her to talk to me, to explain to help me understand. I have no idea who i am anymore. Ive been treat like absolute shit. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie. I used to hold on to her love cos i always felt it but she pretty much been lieing to me for a year. I keep been sick. What should i do? Im so angry. Do i vent that at her? I so want to but thats used against me cos then im “abusing her, harassing her?
She was abused as a child and just the things she has said about men in teh past. It repulses her. Now all of a sudden this? I was nothing absolutely nothing to her. I hate her so fucking much but i love her more than anything even though ive been shit on from a great height. Im so fucked up and this is brief glimpse of everything that has gone on.
Thanks red,
She is talking to me, but it is my fault. She is so good at making me feel bad and that everything is my fault. She is with her parents right now with the kids. I am hoping to sell the house since I can’t afford it on just my salary espeically with child support. I am hoping to move closer to my kids and be in there life. I have no doubt she will go at her parents like she did with me. The searching for the elusive happiness seems to be a trend. There is always something that seems to be missing. She keeps friends in her life but at a distance. If some get too close and have opinions that differ she will shut them out completely and never talk to them again. She does this with family but usually only for a few months. I sometimes feel like I could be Jesus Christ and she would find something wrong with me. I am human and not perfect, and she is very good at pointing out my faults. She seems to focus on them. In the past she has usually come back, but this time I don’t know. The lawyer I am sure is keeping her going. I just talked to her this weekend and asked her for some time to think about stuff before she continues with the divorce.
i’ve been reading the posts and am confused. . . are stressed and panda the same person? sorry if i missed something. . .
They are. Sorry.
I was on another board and it looks like it kept the name.
I was actually thinking being near her family might be good for me too. They know I am a good man and like me. If I am around more they will see it even more and it will be harder for my wife to label me something I am not. This could be good for both of us.
I talked to her on the phone today and she has calmed quite a bit, even laughed about a few things with me. She then says she will file the sheet I signed in regards to the divorce. Why I needed to know that who knows. I can only imagine she saw herself getting close and decided to hurt me. I asked her to give it some time. She said she needs to move on with her life. I said she could, just hold off on the divorce. She seemed irritated with me after that. Maybe I pushed too much. It is so sad to see her want a new life and feel that I can’t fit in it. We have known each other for 14 years but it is like she doesn’t know me.
Update
She just emailed me and told me she will file under separation not divorce. Looks like I will get the time I need. I plan on going to a therapist to work out my codependency issues and become a more confident independent person. She thinks I am controlling, so I will work on those issues too
I plan on selling the house and eventually moving north when I get a job. Being in her home town she feels safe, being near her family and old high school friends. I think this could be good for her. Being near her family could be good for me as they do like me and are sometimes “perplexed” by her behavior. I will keep you posted as most people on here including myself like to hear good stories. I hope this has a happy ending.
by the way, panda, there are a ton of similarities between our situations, in fact one of these days i’m going to go back through your posts and list them. . . my wife’s not speaking to me, though, i think partially cause we don’t have children. the way she’s been acting, though, i think she would have left the kids behind. . .
so, today’s our 8th wedding anniversary. . . she was so goddamn loving right up til the day she left. . . god, i knew today was gonna be hard if i don’t hear from her, but it’s worse than i expected. . . here’s what she wrote to me in her handmade anniversary card last year. . .
“We’ve made it seven years and our love is still bigger than all the stars in the sky. I know things have been tough but as long as we got love we can get through anything. I’m so excited about our future together!
Happy Anniversary,
Love,
Dion.”
i know, it was a whole year ago. but things have been getting better and better in our relationship all year, and things were about to change for us in an awesome way. she just has these episodes. . . i don’t know, there’s been no further attempts at serving me papers. . . everyone says i just need to wait her out, at the very least eventually she’ll calm down and be able to talk. . . it’s hard when she’s acting so angry without any explanation. . .
i’m really afraid of how i’m going to be feeling later tonight. . . i’m trying to be strong, but i feel like i don’t have a single thread of my life left. . .
meanwhile i’ve got all our stuff, our cats, everything. i don’t have the strength to touch it. . . can’t find a job, no matter how hard i try. . .
it’s just so unreal. i can’t concentrate on anything, nothing gives me any pleasure. . . i can’t think of a single thing i want out of life without her there by my side. . .
i always believed as long as there’s a will, there’s a way. . . i know she loves me deeply, that’s a big part of why she can’t deal with talking to me. . .
sorry, i just needed to post this today.
test
I came across this website and can’t believe how validated I feel now. I’ve been through it all with my bipolar partner.
Does anyone have any constructive ways to “remove” yourself when they start into an episode? Seems that anything I try will agitate him – even if I look at him wrong. It is so hard to take all the verbal abuse and not let it get to you. We know they don’t mean it but it still stays in your heart. I am at a loss on how to deal with these ugly moods. Usually he just goes home (we have separate homes) then we don’t talk for a few days. I hate this back and forth relationship but marriage scares me even more. Like most people in this website we love each other deeply. He is on medication and takes it faithfully. He is also seeing a psyciatrist and is better than he use to be but I am doubtful it will ever be “normal.” I desperately want it to work but it is hard to keep my faith that it will. Any positive outcomes out there or ideas on how not to react?
thanks guys
I forgot to mention that he is cyclothymic/bipolar. I’m not sure if this is better or worse than some types. Any info would be welcomed.
Doug, this site is awesome. I found it about a year and a half ago the last time she left. I bookmarked it and now I am back. Never posted before until this time. Before I wasn’t sure if there was a problem with me or her. That is the craziness, they get you to thinking something is wrong with you. No one is perfect, but the behavior they exhibit is indescribeable to someone who doesn’t experience it first hand like us. She told me last night over the phone that she is tired, very tired. I think she is coming down from the manic episode. They can only keep it up for so long. She is starting to get irritable with her parents. This is when she usually comes back. The problem is I don’t want her to come back, I want her up there with her parents and if she goes at them, all the better. They will experience first hand what I have been going through for years. The space will do us some good.
She is already looking at houses and talking about what we could get. I think deep down she knows I am a good man and loves me but her emotions are telling her two different things. Can someone with bipolar reiterate what it is like. I remember reading back that they love you and want to hug you, but they are F$#king scared and want to push you away. Something like that. She catches herself every now and then and says if it works out.
I sometimes can’t beleive this is actually happening.
Doug, keep the faith. Get counseling for yourself. Read some books on self help. It helps. Nothing can make the pain go away completely, but something to redirect the energy we put into obsessing over the other is good. I know it is tough though as even when I do this I still obsess over it.
Right now I am trying to focus on myself and selling the house and then it will be finding a job almost 200 miles north of here.
Marcie, I wish I knew when my wife was having an episode. They come on so quick I don’t think I could possibly have an early warning system in place. By the time it is happening it is too late. There is usually a note left in the kitchen and she is gone with the kids to her parents.
so i found out today that my friend’s wife just left him. . . immediately after she had brunch with my wife. she was on the fence, obviously, but basically my wife talked another woman into leaving her husband. . .
also found out my wife filed for divorce july 22 and tried to serve me, but the papers got lost in the mail. . .
here it is september, and i still haven’t been served. maybe she’s backing off? who knows. maybe she’s toying with me?
she still hasn’t said why she wants a divorce, except that she “needs her space.”
she disconnected her phone number, too, i can call her at work but i know that’ll piss her off. . .
she’s treating me like a monster. i don’t know why she’s angry; possibly she figured out that i’ve been contacting friends and family trying to get her help. . .
i guess she’s functioning ok if she’s at work, but her job is so lax with her, she could go home in the middle of the day crying, or call out for a couple days without getting fired. she’s done it before.
i’m trying to keep the faith. i’m doing everything i can to reach out to people, look for work, but i’m so obsessed with this, and i don’t want to live without her. i’ve still got the cats, and i’m running out of money, and i’m going to have to ask for alimony before long. that’s the last thing i want to do.
if we could just sit down and work out a separation or amicable divorce, i could calm down and get my head together and make the hard choices i need to make.
it seems like she’s irrationally angry at me so she doesn’t feel guilty, doesn’t feel her love for me. if she can stay angry, she can keep doing what she’s doing.
i can’t believe i’m sleeping by myself tonight. after three months, i still can’t sleep, wake up desperate. i have no interest in anything other than figuring out what the hell is going on in the most important area of my life.
i wish i had left first, left her with the cats and all the stuff. anybody else would’ve, with all the emotional abuse i was getting. but i said til death do us part, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. and i meant it.
so here i am, dangling by a thread. unable to let myself be angry at her. why? WHY CAN’T I JUST GIVE UP?
it’s because our love is that big. why can’t she see that?
ok, i’ll stop writing now. i could go on forever. . .
panda,
glad to hear your situation’s looking a little better. . . how many times has this happened? did she mention divorce the other times? sorry if i you already answered these questions, i read all your posts last week and just reread the last one.
Doug,
She has threatened me with divorce at least a dozen times. Before we were married she threatened to leave me at least another dozen times and left me twice that I can remember. Since we have been married, she has left me or kicked me out I would say about maybe 6 times over 5 years.
This weekend was nice, I spent more time with my baby and the oldest (7) years. Her family loves me and sees me as important to her life. They know I am not as bad as she is making me out to be. This weekend we hugged and kissed a little and talked a lot. It scares the shit out of me because I wonder when it will happen again, but I do love her so much that I will take that risk in a heartbeat. I do plan on selling the house and then gettinga job up there, so I can be close to the kids, and I know it is only a matter of time before she would want to live together. She was showing me property around her home town, so even though right now she says “I haven’t agreed to anything”, I know she is thinking she wants me back but is probably embarrassed/guilt ridden by her actions. She is a wonderful person when she is calm/happy. That is what makes it nearly impossible to seperate your love, or detach from them. No one can understand until they have been in love with someone who has this. Therapists and psychologists can tell you to move on with your life till they are blue in the face, but I bet they would be in the same predicament if they were in our shoes.
I knew it would only be a matter of time before she started getting angry at her family, and sure enough this weekend she was getting angry at them. I was the one calming her down and talking her down from the ledge. That they are her family and love and care for her. She would agree and let her anger ease, god I wish I had someone doing that for me with her.
Talking her down when she gets like this. She will portray me as a monster to her “friends”, but they don’t know me well enough to judge me. She does the same with her family, but they don’t buy it, knowing me as much as they do. Her friends just feed her anger. Like I said, being around her family I am hoping they can become an ally and hopefully at some point she will see the light. I sometimes doubt if I am a good person, but when I look at myself and who I am, I can be proud of myself. That is when you know that the problem really doesn’t lie within yourself.
The situation you described, “needing space”, is so common. My wife is extremely confused and seems to grab onto anything she looks at as an excuse to leave me. “Controlling” behavior that she actually shows more characteristics of, “abusive’ behavior that once again she shows more characteristics of, my “negativity” which ironically she is probably much more negative and puts herself down all the time, and then when those don’t convince me, she will just say that “we aren’t right for each other.”
How can you argue with that. I know she loves me and I know who I am. What I have always done is work on myself to make me a better person. Everything that she has come to me with as a problem of mine, if I agree it would make me a better person I will work to correct it. Honestly, she has little to look at me and not like at this point since this has been going on for about 14 years. lol That way she will always come to the same conclusion, that she would be crazy to leave me. She has said that more than once.
Try and look at it this way Doug. I have heard many people say this before and it is very good advice. Work to improve yourself and your life. You sound like a good guy. She might come to the conclusion that giving you up would be crazy, and if not, then her loss and you WILL be a better person for working on yourself and your life.
Hang in there.
Hey Panda,
just went through your posts, quoted you. . . I can’t believe how similar some of this stuff is. God, I just want my wife back, I want her to get help, I’m so damn worried about her. It’s like she just jumped off the train, happened to land on a mattress. I feel like it’s all luck that’s she’s not back already.
If you guys get back together, do you think she’ll accept seeing a psychiatrist about a diagnosis and meds?
“bubbly, sweet, kind, loving, in a word wonderful”
-That’s my wife all right
“I never seemed able to please her. One day loving and kind and happy and glowing, and the next day depressed and thinking we aren’t meant for each other. The periods might last a day, a week, a few weeks, but usually no more than that.”
-Mine goes through the same phases. Usually several weeks or a few months reaally positive and sunny, then a few days o weeks of no faith in our future.
“I have been demonized and told that I don’t make enough money.”
-I get this but then I get weeks of support for what I’m doing (working on my writing career, trying to get back into school).
“She has recently accused me of being controlling. When I called her out over her accusations that I am controlling, she then goes on to accuse me of being abusive. Then I call her out over those and she doesn’t have an answer. I ask how do I abuse you? How do I control you?”
-Apparently I’m abusive and controlling in trying to get her to stick with agreements she made with me, taking her keys when she’s been drinking and crying and is too messed up to drive).
“Stress definately triggers her overreactions. It is the impulsiveness and the inhumanness of her actions and reactions that cause me to beleive she might be BP.’
-Stress, yes. . . minor stress that she used to be able to let roll off her (in her early twenties) now causes these huge depressive blowups where she just doesn’t care about me.
“You see this person when they are normal and they are loving, and everything is wonderful, like it should be, and then your world is turned upside down and you become a whipping post, a doormat.”
- Yep. I would go to sleep after a great talk on friday night nd wake up to find her miserable, unable to talk to me, full of blame for me when i push her to talk.
“My wife can hold down a job and take care of the kids. In fact she tries to be the best mother in the world to the point it exhausts her. She tries so hard but is so unhappy. She gets depressed but is a functioning person. She can do things and get stuff done, but is just plain unhappy. I am blamed for every little thing. I am blamed for her unhappiness.”
-We don’t have kids but my wife is the same way about her responsibilities (or was til she left). Now she is working but I don’t know how well that’s going.
“I think she is telling her family that I am abusive and controlling, because they seem to run to her rescue.”
-I’ve been getting the cold shoulder from her family and most of our common (recent) friends, those who don’t know any better about me.
“She definately got that from her father, because he quit jobs all the time. I have heard that her father slept around a lot and cheated on her mother. I have heard that there are strong genetic ties. It seems to run in families.”
-My wife’s father is bipolar and was totally the same way, was in and out of his marriage for years.
“For me, my wife seems to up the ante each time. This time she filed for divorce yet I haven’t recieved the paperwork.”
-Same here.
“It is just amazing the want something don’t want it attitude that bipolars seem to have.”
-All year my wife wanted desperately to leave town and quit her job, even told them she was going to quit six weeks before she left. We were a week away from leaving. Now she claims she loves her job and wants to stay in this city indefinitely. She’s been like that with all the major decisions we’ve tried to make in the past several years, that’s why we haven’t accomplished very much, and a big part of why she’s so unsatisfied. She just can’t stick with decisions for more than a few months any more, no matter how sure she seems.
That’s one of the reasons I think she’ll come back even though she says she won’t.
“At what point will she possibly see what she is doing is wrong? Will she? Or will she continue down this road since she might look foolish not to in front of friends and family?”
-I think the inertia is a big part of why she won’t admit what she’s done is wrong, and I think the pressure on her to stick with her decision is tremendous. She’s surrounded by bitter divorced people.
“She keeps friends in her life but at a distance. If some get too close and have opinions that differ she will shut them out completely and never talk to them again. She does this with family but usually only for a few months. I sometimes feel like I could be Jesus Christ and she would find something wrong with me.”
-My wife has never been able to hang onto close friends. . . and soon after we got together, she didn’t talk to her mom for six months.
-”The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me. . .”
“’Controlling” behavior that she actually shows more characteristics of, “abusive’ behavior that once again she shows more characteristics of, my “negativity” which ironically she is probably much more negative and puts herself down all the time.”
-Same here. . . alternate reality. Rewritten history.
Doug, it is amazing the similarities of the people with mood/personality disorders. The only difference seems to be the intensity and frequency.
Stress I figured out a few years back is a common denominator. I looked back at college and noticed when she took on more than she could handle she changed. Once that college care free life of hanging out and “studying” and having no responsibilities other than showing up for class and doing class work was over, and real life began, I noticed a huge negative change in my wife. Little stresses seem to get to her more. Big stresses, forget about it… My goal since a few years ago was to try and eliminate as much stress in my wife’s life, but with kids and her staying home and money being tight, it is almost like we would need to win megabucks and have a nanny. Even then I wonder if she would complain about the nanny or how long it takes to the gardener to cut the grass.
I don’t want to get your hopes up Doug, but I have read that most of the time the person comes to their senses and realizes what they are giving up. If you figure your life out and how to make YOU happy, you will not only be happy, but probably more attractive to her. Just my 2 cents. That is what I have done in the past. Just throwing this out there, maybe someone can comment on it;
In the past I have gotten the most positive response from my wife when I act as though I am moving on and trying to get MY life together, being a good dad, being caring for her while trying not to be pushy. Maybe it is that it makes her feel less scared or maybe she realizes her behavior is not getting the reaction she wants. I have heard it described both ways, that the BP feels hurt and so wants to hurt you, or that the BP feels scared and won’t come back until they feel safe. Not sure which is correct, or maybe they both are. Hard to understand, right? Someones comments on this would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that she said to me a week or so ago was that she felt like she disappeared with me. That she didn’t/couldn’t exist with me in her life. I feel I have disappeared somewhat. I feel like I walk on eggshells around her.
We talked yesterday on the phone and I said I missed her and she said she missed me. I said I loved her and she said she loved me. She asked why I still wanted to be with her and I said because I love her and am committed to this relationship, not that I should be committed. She laughed. She asks me that everytime she does this. “Why do you want to be with me?” I am hoping she sees at some point the behavior. I am hoping at some point I can convince her to see someone. Right now I just want to sell the house, find a job up there and be near her and the kids. When things stabalize, as I hope they will, then I have a better chance of trying to convince her to see someone. I can’t do it now or she will pull away.
My wife can hang onto “friends”, but at a distance. She will not talk to them for years, but I can’t recall since college, her having friends that she hangs out with all the time. Usually something happens and then she won’t talk to them. She is ultra sensitive and they may say something that she takes personally and then won’t talk to them for weeks or months or maybe never. She does this with her family all the time, but usually no more than a few months.
As for the alternate reality, it is certainly projection. She will accuse me of things that she does all the time. It is extremely hypocritical and upsetting. Actually that is a common symptom of boarderline personality disorder. I think there is a link between BP and Boarderline. These disorders seem to be on a spectrum.
Right now she is reading books a friend of ours from college that she reconnnected with has suggested. The friend is now a counselor. The books have to do with handling anger and such. They might help, but the crazy thing is, she will forget all the good I mean to her and then focus on what she percieves is wrong with me and push me away. I don’t think there is a self help book that handles that.
Like I said before, i could be Jesus Christ himself and it wouldn’t matter.
Maybe start working out, helps with stress and makes you more attractive for her and helps your self esteem. Also, finding a job might help you take your mind off of things and also make you more attractive. Either way, YOU will probably start to feel better about yourself and that is a good thing.
Doug take care. I will keep you posted.
a lot of bipolar people also have borderline personality disorder traits, as well as narcissistic traits. in the research there appears to be a link between/overlap between bp and borderline.
again i’d like to stress to everyone that there are nice people out there who want to be in relationships and who are not up and down and will want to steadily be with you and return your kindness. i have met several nice people and have begun dating one and it is a nice change of pace. i really thought my ex was the only person for me, but it is not true, and it is nice to be with someone on an even keel from the start. just trying to offer a different perspective and some hope. hang in there everyone!
ps there is also a blog called i was in love with a bipolar person and it was hell, and it is very very informative and eye opening.
Thanks for the link Red i was starting to think this was the only blog worth reading. I need to vent a lot of things. Not in the best place right now and just becoming so angry when i think of all the pain she has caused me. This blog is really good but i tend to come on when im emotional and angry. Used to be a tool to help me through the relationship. I dont want to deter all the people who are really trying out there as i have no words of wisdom because i tried my hardest and now i need to pick myself back up again which is hard.
hey red,
do you have the actual link for that blog? i searched for it but couldn’t find it. . .
Me too!
sorry it took me awhile to post again
this should do it:
http://www.topix.com/forum/health/bipolar-disorder/TILGVBV7HERK1R46K/p43#lastPost
the last posts as well as page 31 are especially enlightening
hang in there
ps to polly,
in my opinion, anger is necessary in order to stop being sad, take action, and to try to move on….and to stop taking the abuse bp people put their partners thru…i think wallowing in the sadness and rmembering only the good times helps keep the partners of bp people stuck and also keeps them putting up with mental abuse.
hang in there everyone!!! and please consider what i’ve said in previous posts about trying to meet other people who do not have bp and want to be in healthy relationships and return all the kindness we have to give. just my opinion, but so far dating a nice stable person has helped me more than months of therapy, and sitting and analyzing it over and over, and trying to get him back and succeeding only to have the cycle repeat itself. i am done, whether or not current guy works out, i will never go back down that road of rumination, anxiety, depression and self blame. i hope everyone is doing ok and that you enjoy the link i posted.
Hi Red,
Thats what im trying to do. Trying to go with my anger to get me through and it does help. Its all i really have given the way ive been treated. Its just when im upset because i do wallow especially at night time, i find that the hardest and my imagination starts to play on me and struggle to sleep at teh best of times!
I know if and when i find a healthy relationship it will help but still kills me thinking of way ive been treat and all the lies and the unanswered questions that im never ever gonna have answers for, never going to know the real truth and the fact that i still love her deeply infuriates me because i know i deserve better. I wouldnt wish what happened to me on anybody. Its just cruel.
Im no where near ready to move on with someone else as i need to remember who i was before we met because im just not that person anymore. Thanks for the wise words!
Dear Polly and everyone on the site who is suffering,
my friend who is a therapist, as well as other wise friends told me: stop trying to make sense of someone who doesn’t make sense, stop trying to make sense of mental illness, and don’t analyze it beyond the person is mentally unstable, you cannot make sense of it becauswe you are not mentally ill and woudl never think/act that way, you won’t get the answers or closure you need because of the bp, you jsut have to accept that it was because of the bp and not analyze it further, you will make yourslef miserable adn drive yourslef nuts. excuse the typose. if i had taken these words of advice i would have saved myslef months of heartache, misery, rumination, and thousands of dollars on therapy. i hope this helps, i am still on this blog in the hopes of helping others who are feeling how i was feeling after the breakup.
ps
for months i kept driving my friends and family crazy with why did he say this, why did he do that and they kept saying “because he is bipolar.” i should have let it go at that. being the overly analytical person i am, i kept analyzing every word and behavior, and how he contradicted him self. another friend told me you cannot make sense of a sick mind when you do not have a sick mind, you are going to ruin yourself trying. i hope this helps everyone. if i could save some people some of the pain and heartache i went thru on and off for a year and a half i will feel very good about that.
hey panda,
how are things going?
i still haven’t heard from my wife. two months since she filed and nothing! our therapist told me today he’s 90% sure she has a mood disorder of some kind.
i’m doing a bit better, been making some friends (i think) and on andtidepressants, they’ve made a big difference in helping me even out. trying not to make any big decisions right now, just gonna wait and see how things play out.
Hi doug,
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. My wife has told me she doesn’t want a divorce and loves me. The house goes on the market soon, probably within a week. She is planning on telling her lawyer to withdraw the divorce “complaint” or whatever the process is to stop the divorce. I am planning on moving up north to be closer to my kids and hopefully figure stuff out in regards to handling my wifes emotional escapes/outbursts/etc… I am hoping to get to the point where we are living together, and she has every intention of finding a place with me for the family to live. That would include me for once I am able to come up there after I find a job up there.
The therapist I am seeing is absolutely awesome. She lowered her rate because she knows things are tight for me financially right now. She is incredibly insightful. She will finish sentences and elaborate on thoughts for me. She has a keen sense of what is happening, not just a sounding board like a lot of therapists, but one that has practical advice and understands what I am going through and seems to understand, although she says it is hard to translate, what my wife is going through. She says that it is hard for a “normal” person to rationalize the actions of someone like my wife. She has dealt with many kids behavioral problems and adults with Bipolar and personality disorders. It has been described that someone with a personality disorder has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. She says the worst thing you can do with a kid who has an outburst is to touch them. She relates that to my wife in that I can’t rationalize with her when she gets angry, she is like a child. This is so true. She beleives my wife has a personality disorder but obviously can’t diagnose her without seeing her. She says my wife has issues regulating emotions.
An understatement, but an accurate assessment. She is going to give me some tricks to use to deal with situations tomorrow night. Basically from what I have read the boarderline will draw you into their “reality”. That is pretty much what has happened. I have NO boundaries. I need personal boundaries, since they have been eroded over the years. I have no concept of what is normal and not normal behavior and am hoping through counseling I will get better at recognizing MY responsibilities. She has shown me the Karpman Drama Triangle. It is interesting to read about it. Everyone human creates the triangle to some extent at some point in their lives, but someone with a personality disorder is constantly in the triangle bouncing around. Look it up, it is interesting. I think the key is realizing when you are being suckered into the triangle and not letting it happen through boundaries and understanding your personal responsibilities. I will say space and understanding is helping me create boundaries and a sense of what I am responsible for.
I think it is good not to make big decisions, but make decisions that would benefit you and make you feel good. I think you need to start focusing on you. I think that is what my therapist is trying to do with me. That will enable you to see the dysfunction and deal with it appropriately once you have your own identity back. I think a lot of us on here have lost a sense of who we are being in a relationship with chaos. Constantly worrying if the other will leave us or that we will say or do something to upset them. The whole walking on eggshells thing. I am hoping that once I get a better understanding of my responsibilities I won’t be dragged into that triangle.
I will keep you posted as I think my counselor is a keeper.
Good luck Doug and everyone reading dealing with this.
Hi everyone,
Been doing quite well up until just now. Its been about 3 months since i seen her. Just found out she is moving in with her “boyfriend”. Was sitting here and a song came on and now i feel so down again. Why do i miss her so much? Its so hard to accept that maybe what we had was never real because shes moved on to someone else and its a viscous circle. I get so angry at myself as i am now because ive been bottling things up with anger. Im so hurt by whats happened. I still think about her every day but shes brushed her hands of me now. I wish i could accept that i dont need answers to the questions i have. Ive been reading back old messages that i sent when things were bad, when she had episodes and re-evaluating everything. Could i have been more supportive? Could i in time harbour my own feelings, train myself and always be strong for her? Did i ever truelly accept the bipolar because if i did then her abuse would bounce off me because it wasnt her fault right? Are these questions even relevant, was it even the bipolar or good old fashioned heartbreak? I dont know i just really miss her today. I cant bear to look into her eyes but i cant bear the thought of not been able to either so i keep pictures and look at them, then i cry. If she is happy then i guess i have to try and forgive her for hurting me but ill never truelly know why because she never told me. She ran away and never looked back. Stay strong guys, im trying.
Hi Polly,
I totally empathize with you. I feel exactly the same. My brain keeps on going over the same information over and over again: How could he love me and now suddenly hate me?
Someone on Topix Forum asked us to go on this website and see the viceo at the website below.
Check it out!!! It cleared up all of my questions. Please look at it. It will really help you! Love and Blessings,
Josie
See the website below:
“Pronoti” linked a website in another post which features a 98-minute educational speaker discussing bipolar. The video is located on the left side of this link:
http://www.bipolarlight.com/index2.html
thank you for the link Polly (and originally pronoti)
excellent video on http://www.bipolarlight.com/index2.html
well worth checking out.
confirmed a few things that i knew and gave me a few insights too
hope everybody is well
Josie,
Thanks for the link. I will definately watch it.
When you run things round in your head constantly asking questions its hard and the outcome keeps changing depending on your emotions at the time. I find anger is the best method for me at the moment to help me get through but i hope i dont feel like that forever because im not an angry person.
Its weird how when they leave your left with all the shit. Its like a game you play with yourself to work out whats best way to deal with this.
Will give that link a watch and be in touch. Thanks!
I think the difficult thing about the rejection is that while bipolar people may be more likely than most to push people away through fear of rejection, that doesn’t mean that they are with the right person. It isn’t necessarily and either / or situation because there’s no logical conflict between being bipolar and being with the wrong person. So the non-bipolar partner is left having to try and wrestle with the question as to whether or not the rejection is a part of the illness or a part of the not-bipolar part of the person, if indeed there is such a thing. And since the non-bipolar person can’t see inside the head of the other person then it is quite literally impossible to know the answer to that question. Only each of us as individuals can decide whether or not we are with the right person and nobody else can decide (or decipher) that for us. The real problem here is that bipolar people can’t distinguish between how they feel overall and how they feel in the moment and in actual fact there may be no overall. It may just be that at some times they love you and some times they don’t. An incredibly difficult thing to deal with for both parties and an unsolvable puzzle. Fascinating, attractive and devastating.
ok, who are you? it’s not coincedence that “zuki” is very close to my other email address. your comment is much appreciated. . . if you want to remain anonymous, why do you use “zuki”?
audre,
I think that you are right, they don’t respect those who love them unconditionally because they don’t feel worthy of the love. my husband right now has very low self esteem, he feels like the world is against him, which is why he is so angry at everyone. he has lost all his confidence and his independence through the years and now want it back but doesn’t know how to get it. i am beginning to think that my husband is borderline. he has all of the signs of it. Audre, don’t lose faith in your son. It may not seem like it now, but he won’t stay this way forever. I guess that is the worst part in dealing w/these disorders, you feel like there is never an end to it.
audre,
I meant to have hope that he will find his way and get the help that he needs so he can start to take control of his bd instead of it controlling him.
Must be a coincidence. Zuki is an abbreviation of my christian name used by my friends. I’m writing from the UK, assume most people on the forum are from the US (?)
wow, ok, thanks for writing back and putting my mind at ease. yes, i’m in the U.S. i have no idea what’s going on with my wife or her friends. i thought it was maybe a hint from one of her friends.
what’s your story, why are you posting on here? do you have personal experience with this?
Also, I’ll introduce myself and explain that my somewhat abstract thoughts on the question weren’t meant as a response to anyone else’s as such, just the title question.
I believe that my husband of five years has a form of bipolar, perhaps among other mental problems. He’s never been diagnosed and is in staunch denial, most of the time anyway. Occasionally he seems to get to a point where he accepts that there is something wrong with him but he then goes on to reason that it must be my fault and it was moving in with me (or marrying me) that caused the problem. He claims, when in states of agitation and depression, that I’m the wrong person and he doesn’t love me. Just to add a flourish he also explains that he wants to be with someone younger, hotter and stupider (so that he can tell her what to do and think – he gets very paranoid).
In some ways this is very hard if not impossible to really argue with. I suspect that he was just as unstable before I met him but since nobody else ever suspected it then I have no proof. So, OK, fair enough I try to accept that perhaps he really doesn’t love me but then he switches again and acts as though he loves me a great deal.
So, relieved and reassured, I dismiss the former negativity and try to get on with life. Then he switches back and claims that he was just trying to be happy through guilt. I literally can’t count the number of times he has announced that our relationship is over and then changed his mind. In fact I couldn’t guess the number to the nearest hundred.
Now when he tells me that he doesn’t love me and wants to leave I tell him that I know he feels that way but I know that isn’t the whole story. If he felt that way all the time then we wouldn’t be here together now. Our relationship is held together by the phases where he acts as though he loves me, otherwise he would have left me long ago.
I’ve now reached the stage where I feel under no moral obligation to accept that he doesn’t love me. I’ve told him that if necessary I’ll get over him when he’s gone. Its too much for him to expect me to get over him while he’s still here. Still, I do try to keep an open mind to the possibility that I really am the wrong person for him. In the end I find that I just have to accept that this is the way things are.
Perhaps I am the wrong person but he has raised the issue so many times that it seems to have lost its relevance. Life has now become about living in the present moment. I sometimes wonder if this is part of why we, as the codependents, love them so strongly. Could it be that we never take them for granted – always somehow sensing that we could loose them forever at any moment?
I honestly don’t know whether he really loves me or not and I think it quite likely that the real truth is more that he loves me at some times and not at others. Which side of him will win in the end is something I just can’t predict.
Hello Doug, I wrote the above before reading your response. Yes, I’m also the spouse/partner trying to make sense of it all, hopefully without going too crazy in the process!
hi zuki and everyone
as it was explained to me by my friend a prominent therapist, bp people sometimes do love you and sometimes they don’t. when they become overwhelmed with stress and emotion and feeling they love you too much, a flip switches and they can’t handle it so they turn off and that’s when they don’t love you anymore. so it is both they do love you (but not in a stable way that we need where we don’t have to worry that they won’t leave at any moment) and they don’t. many times they stop and don’t come back and start the cylce with someone else. to me this is crazy making for the partner and no way to live. he also explained we get hooked in becuase the whole love/not love thing is on a varialbe schedule of reinforcement (like skinner’s pigeons we never know when the food is coming, so we keep pecking /trying – hoping the love will come back and unexpectedly it does). too long to go into hear about schedules of reinforcment if anyone is interested see skinner’s pigeon’s experiments. this is the hardest behavior to get rid of and causes the most addictive behavior. think slot machines at the casino, the person keeps trying because eventually they do get a reward but you never know when it’s coming. i know i’m not explaining this well but it explains why the partners get so hooked in and why its so hard to extricate ourselves. i hope people on the site can use this to help understand why they are so stuck, in normal relationships that doesnt happen and people don’t get so stuck, when it is over its over, when someone doesnt love you its over and thats the end of it and we move on. not with bp relationships. which is why we keep trying to analyze adn figure out and takes so long to get over a relationship with a bp person. i dont think our ex bp partners are on websites feeling bad or remorseful at how badly they’ve treated us, its all about them, what they want, how they feel. just a side note. take care everyone.
another thing to ponder – my therapist and my friends all asked me, why did i put up with this behavior again and again? what is it about me that i am too tolerant and accept abuse and dont’ have enough self esteem to say enough? just because they’re bipolar doesnt mean they have no control over their behaviors or hurting people. these were hard questions to answer but helpful. for me i thought i coudl fix/ change him. i also thought no one else would ever love me as much or funny one here, tolerate me. but what good is the love when they just keep yanking it away from you at any moment? what good is the amazing high when it comes crashing down? what is real when its on and its off, the off or the on? it is just not supposed to be like this in relatiosnhips. sure there’s not the unbelievable euphoric highs in a normal relationsihp but there’s not the devastating crashes either. it is suppoesd to be more even keeled. my friends warned me not to compare other people to him and dont be disappointed if new guys didnt knock my socks off like he did (probably hypomanic state ) and too look for nice kind even stable more subdued happiness. i know most people on here do not want to hear about looking for other people and that’s fine, but at least please open your mind and hearts to the possibility that other nice non bp people are out there for you and will provide you with nice stable loving caring relationships without the roller coaster. just believing that concept will help you to get over the pain of the bp breakup and help put you in a better mindset whether you pursue someone or not. all my best to everyone.
http://www.geocities.com/redmondrose/NARCISSISTIC_BORDERLINE_COUPLES.htm
read this, this could be an explanation
M x
Hi red, also read AJ Mahari the push pull relationships x
Thank you Red, this is so true. I spent at least the first couple of years of living with this desperately looking for the triggers and causes but never managed to find a clear pattern. I felt that things just didn’t make any sense and it was all just deeply confusing. Earlier this year I saw a psychologist about it and she said that it might never make any sense. This idea of the pigeons and the slot machines really helps to shed some light on the situation. I had jokingly called him my cocaine but gambling is a much better analogy. The more I learn about this the more empowered I feel.
Sorry for the long post everyone!
Zuki, welcome.
The trigger answer only slightly helped in my case. It is funny, but I spent so much life and energy worrying about and trying to diminish the stress in my wife’s life. Stress was her big trigger. The problem is, life is full of stress, some real and some percieved. I could only help with the real stuff. Stress is a relative thing too, the less stress you have the more things that normally wouldn’t have stressed you out before start stressing you out. Example, my grandma doesn’t have any responsibilities anymore and now she gets stressed having to get the car inspected once a year.
In our case, we both worked, me in Boston and her in Providence and lived in between. We had a kid in daycare and that stressed her out, so we got to the point where she was working from home and now not working at all. Then it became that she was stressed because the house was too messy, the neighborhood dogs barked, there might be mountain lions in the area, less $ because she was now not working, no neighborhood kids for our son to play with, the list goes on. This is why I beleive that bi-polar/boarderline people are searching for perfection/complete-and-utter-happiness, but will always be unable to find it. They search for it in their houses/partners/kids/bodies/friends/jobs/etc… We have moved a few times, she is never happy with the home we end up living in even though she was excited about it before. She is tough on our oldest son, although showing extreme love towards him at times, expects him to be a perfect kid, almost a robot and will sometimes be very harsh with him. He has personality, and he is awesome, but she can’t see that, she seems to focus on his faults. It seems to be a confusion over what they want and need, though it has been described to me as an emotional disorder. How are those linked? Am I looking at it wrong? That part I find very confusing.
This weekend my wife snapped at me, and at that point no longer wanted to look at homes up north. She was probalby thinking about continuing with the divorce at that point, but came to her senses a couple hours later. In that time her mom and dad fought over which side of the family she got her “disposition” from.
I think it is her dad, but I kept my mouth shut. When I left Sunday night she was sweet and kind and told me to drive safe and gave me a kiss and hug. The sleep deprivation from the baby is certainly not helping. That is a stress I wish I could alleviate, but the baby (8 months) will not take a bottle and she refuses to focus on formula so instead breast feeds. He is only sleeping for 2 to 3 hour stretches at a time at night. That would drive anyone crazy, but someone with a mood/personality disorder…forget about it. Our baby would probably have to go cold turkey off the breast in order to learn to take a bottle. We did the pumping thing last time with our oldest and that was stressful too.
Zuki, I found a pattern around stress, but there is no silver bullet. The counseling I am going to is helping ME. In helping myself, I will be better equipped to determine right/wrong, normal/unnormal, healthy/unhealthy, and in that will be able to seperate myself from a situation that I am not responsible for and should not own. I find myself now walking away from situations that I would apologize for or try and fix. Or not allowing myself to be drawn into arguments over “percieved” wrongs. That is empowering, to know what you are responsible for. Unfortunately my wife hasn’t learned to help herself, and it isn’t my responsibility to make her happy. That doesn’t mean I can’t try to alleviate stress in my wife’s life, or do things that she would appreciate, but I have made myself a promise to love myself too. When the counselor asked me what made me happy, my answer was very telling. I am only happy when my wife is happy. I am clearly codependent. I was not like this before I met my wife. The constant leaving and returning gets you to a point where you are focused on them, their actions, and their needs at the expense of your own. But, in a normal healthy relationship, aren’t codependents the ideal? Unfortunately it just doesn’t work in this type of dysfunctional relationship.
Once again, I love this site.
zuki,
i think the cocaine analogy is good too, because like a friend told me i was like an addict chasing a high. he was so bad for me and the bad times when he didn’t love me and broke up with me (btw he said i wasnt the one for him too many times for me to count as well, after saying i was the one more times than i can count) were so bad. but i kept chasing that druglike high when things were good and he said he loved me and got back together with me. i have never let any man treat me that badly. he was an addiction and i felt like withdrawals i guess (havent done drugs but my friend likened it to that) when he was gone and did anything to get him back and get that happiness again even tho i knew it was not in my best interest, my freindships, mental state, livelihood, and family relationships were at stake (they all threatened to “disown” me if i got back together with him bec they saw what he was doing to me, and it was interfering with my concentration at work, and i was becoming depressed whihc i have never been before). anyway i am living proof that you can break the addiction by not giving in to urges to contact the person and letting go and realizing you deserve better treatment than this, nothing justifies it and that you are better off not being on the rollercoaster. i’m on here in the hopes of helping others get to feeling better, also if i can help others get over it easier or sooner than i did that would make my pain and suffering seem at least educational or helpful to someone else. i hope that makes sense. i feel good now, i dont’ think about him much, the obessing has gone away. i think of him sometimes but then push it aside and keep moving forward. it is such a relief not to be dealing with his i love you /i don’t love you anymore. it helps that i have met someone esle but really i was 95 percent over it before i met him and the real healing began when i decided i did not want to live like that anymore and there had to be nicer better people out there for me and i was going to put my energy into looking for good people and a healthy relationship rather than wasting my time energy money and emotions on that dysfunctional situation. and that’s what i did. had i chose to stay ruminating and stuck i never would have met a good person, nor would i be happy and not depressed right now whether i had met him or not, i was already happy being out of the dysfunction, better to be alone. i will never go back to that or to obsesing about it no matter what we are worth more than that and don’t need to ruin our lives over bp relationships which cannot work. i hope this helps someone!!!!
ps michelle, thanks for the link about bp/narcisstic
It does help a lot to read this. I would have replied sooner but my husband hit a bad mood and I’ve spent the last 24 hours trying to cope. I find the hardest part is that I can’t afford to make any mistakes or get anything wrong. If I bend over backwards making sure that I don’t say or do anything wrong then he’ll only persecute me for the things I did before I met him but God help me when I actually do get something wrong – then he thinks that he was justified all along and the full weight of all his frustrations is directed and fired at me.
Yesterday he wanted me to go to church with him. He’d been talking about church with a woman he works with. I didn’t feel like going. This was partly because I’ve had a dreadful couple of weeks of him being aggressive with me already and I really felt he should apologise to me, and partly because I felt bad that he is always presents himself so nicely to the woman at work and yet is so horrible to me. I’m not proud of that insecurity but in my defence he has told me on a number of hostile occasions that he will have sex with her when he’s finally broken up with me.
So there you go, I did it, I’m not perfect. I have jealousies and insecurities just like everyone else. Still, I wasn’t aggressive or obnoxious about the situation, I wasn’t accusing or hostile in any way. I just said how I felt, calmly, and said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go and maybe he should go by himself this first time.
For that I have been hauled over hot coals. I must admit I do feel guilty for not supporting him in wanting to seek help, and that could have been his way of doing it. I’ve just been through so much with him and I’m so very tired.
He said that he was going to ask me to marry him again and now he has decided to break up with me instead. I’ve just listened to hours and hours of ranting about what a disgusting and cheap person he thinks I am, including calling me a slut and spitting in my face. (I’ve always been faithful to him, and was to my previous partner but he is making a reference to the fact I had a handful of boyfriends when I was a teenager twenty years ago… something he has a very distorting jealous obsession with).
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. He claims that he will leave me over the next few days. I have heard this many times before but that said it is a bit like living in an earth quake zone – you know each time you feel a quake that it is probably not going to be the big one but equally you know that someday it probably will be.
He wouldn’t let me put my hand on him before he went to sleep but I told him that I love him with all my heart and soul. I never know when it will be the last chance I get to tell him. In some ways its like living with someone who is dying, because I fear that someday he will be gone.
Maybe this will be the big one and maybe he will leave. Maybe he won’t and we’ll live to love another day.
Its good to know that you’re able to get through the addiction and make life work again. I really hope that if I end up alone then I will be able to be that strong.
Panda, I know what you mean about only being happy when they are happy. I’m so used to that now. In a way that is what I did wrong yesterday, dared to feel despondent when he was full of enthusiasm for something. Most of the time I just go along with the situation and take the opportunity to be happy whenever it comes along. Right now I’m being punished for not cooperating. My mum (mom) would say that he’s just reasserting control by making me feel bad. I try not to get into an adversarial position as it never helps much. There is no winning. I found that seminar very helpful and interesting especially the do not argue with them part! Trouble is, its really hard to go along with someone else’s moods all the time. I’m definitely codependent. Sometimes I have the courage to completely ignore his bad temper and I’ll confess the occasional satisfaction at how much he hates that. Who knows where it will end. I try not to take it too seriously, in order to cope, but then, its heavy stuff.
My therapist after hearing about my situation seems to think my wife exhibits borderline personality symptoms. She obviously can’t diagnose my wife, but she lent me a book last night called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.
Zuki,
The can’t afford to make mistakes or get anything wrong is walking on eggshells. The more you seperate yourself from the other person, (doesn’t mean you don’t love them or won’t be with them) the more you will start delineating between what is normal and what isn’t. That is the process I am in. It is empowering. I will slip up and I am not perfect, I am human so you need to allow yourself that, but it is a process. So I am striving to get to the point where I can be myself and be with her and not allow her inability to process emotions to upset me. Easier said than done right? But without doing that, she will never learn what is normal and unnormal behavior because she can’t regulate herself. Will she seek help, who knows. So I have to indirectly regulate her by not allowing her “reality” to determine my reality. I am not sure if that makes sense. Basically I am putting barriers around to keep her on the road. My therapist works with bi-polars and borderlines at a mental hospital part time in addition to counseling. She sees what I am going through and understands it. I have gotten more from the four sessions I have gone to her than the countless hours I have spent in marriage counseling with my wife. My wife may never get help, but that doesn’t mean I can’t create boundaries for my own happiness and those same boundaries will help regulate my wife, possibly helping her along or helping her to recognize something is wrong and it is not me.
Zuki it sounds like you are starting to do some of the stuff you need to do like stand up for yourself. I know exactly what you are talking about when you describe the satisfaction of not giving in to their anger and knowing that angers them. Feels empowering doesn’t it? There is nothing wrong with feeling empowered. It feels good because in this relationship you probably feel powerless. I know I felt that same way. Don’t lose control over yourself when you do stand up though, because then they can use it against you or make you feel guilty about it. Remain calm and set the boundaries. It sounds like he is trying to hurt you and when you show it doesn’t, that upsets him. I remember with my wife, she said she wanted a divorce a few years ago and I agreed. You should have seen the look on her face. It took all her power away. She was hoping to hurt me with that statement and get the desired reaction from me (me crying, being upset, etc…) but when she didn’t…she was at a loss. Not saying do that, maybe it works with borderlines (are afraid of losing you) and not bipolars, not sure, but I am saying that what you are dealing with is not healthy and certainly not “normal”, whatever that is. I was getting to a point where I was starting to lose touch with reality myself. I was doubting my own feelings. I felt guilty complaining about not feeling OK because it would be turned around on me. My therapist says that even still to be careful telling my wife my feelings. I said right now things are OK, she said this week.
We both laughed.
I know just what you mean. One week things can be good another bad. My husband also seems to be a bit borderline. Yesterday I was fully prepared for the end, well as prepared as you can be, and then for no apparent reason things went back to normal again as though nothing had happened. I’m still reeling inside – I don’t think you ever get used to it, but confronting him is useless so I just end up acting as though nothing has happened myself. I think it forces you into the position of either playing along or calling their bluff because there’s no other way of handling it, because if they don’t ‘really’ mean it, whatever that means, then the only way to deal with it is play along somehow. This then forces you into a position where you can’t take them seriously and it all gets a bit messed up because it feels like mind games, but all the time its also for real and not a game. Extremely confusing!
I begin to think that the only type of person who could cope with having a romantic relationship with a person who has these type of problems is someone who is completely mentally and emotionally stable and capable of staying that way despite all the mixed messages – I’m trying to imagine a person who is that supremely stable but to be honest if they exist at all they must be pretty rare and you’d have to wonder why they would be in a relationship with someone who had such problems, after all they’d have nothing in common!
Its usually after things have normalized again that I feel the aftermath. Its then that I feel low myself and wonder how I can possibly go on living like this. It seems that being married to this man involves accepting that part of the time I have to play the role of being his nemesis, like it or not. I feel set up. And he isn’t able to give me any support for the times I feel the lowest because that would be too confusing for him. At times I think he does feel guilty but that doesn’t really help. I don’t think there is any solution really. You just have to accept that life is miserable or get out, which is also a miserable option although it does have the benefit of there being some hope of change in the long run. I suppose staying with someone like this involves accepting the burden of their misery and sharing in that misery.
Sorry, not feeling so good today.
To top it all off he told his work mates (presumably yesterday when he was in negative mode) that I’d felt bad about him always being so nice to the woman at work and now they are making jokes about me. I wish I could joke about him spitting in my face but somehow it just doesn’t seem quite so funny.
Sorry to have posted so many separate messages, there doesn’t seem to be an edit option.
What I’m trying to say is that there’s no room for error on the part of the partner. In my experience it isn’t just that you can’t argue some of the time, it is the whole time. You can’t argue, ever. You have to try to be perfect in the most difficult of circumstances while the other partner can say and do almost anything at all with no consequences. I can’t see how to maintain a healthy balanced relationship when there is such an imbalance of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.
I can’t help having faults either but I’m not allowed any.
It does indeed feel comforting to know that so many people are going through similar situations to myself. At first I thought my irrational wife of 17 years was simply going through a destructive selfish midlife crisis, which culminated in an affair and later there were admissions to other men that she was less intimately involved with. She turned 40 a year ago, and ever since then there has been a distructive acceleration of irrational behaviour and a feeling like she is trapped within a loving family which includes 2 young loving children.
It wasn’t until I started researching for reasons and rationale, did I really put it all together and conclude that she must be bipolar or perhaps suffering from a similar mental affliction. It just seems impossible to me that she isn’t BP, but I’m not a doctor.
Your stories of emotional abuse ring in my ears, many many fights over the years where I was a punching bag for every possible insult and fault that I’ve ever had. Yes, you don’t dare fight back because that makes it worse. You don’t walk away and wish for calmer rationale times because that’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. Everything is my fault, simple simple small stuff that I’ve tried so hard not to disrupt with the walking on eggshells.
Anyways, she decided to walk away from the marriage a few weeks ago. I found out shortly afterwards about the affair she was having, which has been stopped for now…
We’ve been living apart now for 3 weeks, she has been seeing a pyschologist that has administered a barrage of questionnaires and surveys. My wife has become a master of hiding her BP, so there is gradual progress being made… but I think they’re mostly tackling superficial issues like control, trust and paranoia…
I love my wife so much, I guess like others I can see the depth of her soul and realize that she is a good person. Even though no one has come up with an official diagnosis, I feel enough for her to forgive her sins to this marriage as I consider her sick. She admits that something has and always will be wrong with her, but I don’t think she’s willing to admit that its a full blown disorder, nor does she want to take drugs or anything else to treat the problem.
As long as she’s out of control, people around her are being affected negatively and I fear this story doesn’t end well for anyone. She has mused about suicide on many occasion, perhaps when she is aware enough of the carnage that she has caused and the guilt she feels.
I think secretly in her head, she is struggling with potentially restarting her affair with the much younger man because of how it made her feel.
As supportive and patient as I feel I can be, I CANNOT in good conscience begin the process of counselling/reconciling unless she doesn’t do further damage to our relationship by continuning the affair AND she admits/gets help for this illiness… which she won’t even discuss or let me in her head about, although she’s really stuggling with whether to try and reconcile (can she love me again?) or move on (perhaps to stop hurting everyone, “she’s not worthy of me, I deserve someone better”). Another interesting side-effect of this problem is that her crazy 40-year BP side has attracted a bunch of other disfunctionaly partying friends that are sitting around advising her now to move on and be happy… I think BP’s or similarly messed up people have a way of finding one another, or as my wife says it… “she has dysfunctional friends so that she feels more normal…”.
I’m clearly emotionally weak right now, so I’m not even sure if (a) I can truly get past the fact that she was so destructively & romantically involved with other men, (b) what kind of person emerges after they are medicated for BP, is that manic fun person that I love so much completely gone, and (c) perhaps I just let this run its course because this new guy will surely have to deal with the same BP mess I have dealt with… eventually he’ll tire of it…
So tough to decide whether to fight or just cut bait and move on. I think we could work things out, but I can’t force her hand as she has the ultimate control right now (a major BP symptom). If I do move on, I worry for my children. Especially my youngest one which has a very similar temperment to my wife, and I can see tonnes of problems (fights between my kids, amongst the wife and kids, and with the kids in future)… not too mention the damage to the kids caused by severing the family.
I feel my wedding vows support me in my decision to fight for the marriage, but I’m fighting/fought a losing battle thus far and its taken a massive toll on my normally strong self…
Any advice or support would be helpful…. this stuff is so raw right now.
hi everyone
i realized there is antoher website whcih is an offshoot of this one for spouses of bipolar people
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/why-does-my-bi-polar-husband-run-away/#comment-42561
Hello Anonyd, I think you’re incredibly forgiving. Well done. I don’t think I have the strength to be like that. I’ve pretty much always known that if, when even, my husband is unfaithful then there will be no going back. Perhaps that’s why it scares me so much. He threatens me with it constantly but I don’t think anything has ever happened, yet anyway. He says that he is leaving on Friday. Well, actually he said yesterday afternoon that he was staying with me, but then he said yesterday evening that he is leaving on Friday. Come to think of it he acted this morning as though he is staying. I have to assume that the threat to leave with resurface repeatedly over the next few days. Yesterday I was so concerned about the incoherent and paranoid way that he was ranting that I was seriously considering whether or not I should have him sectioned (under the mental health act, I’m in the UK, not sure what terminology you would us in the US, basically it means taken to hospital against your will). I need to find out more about how you go about doing that. I’m very reluctant to do that because I don’t want him to feel even worse about himself. I know that he isn’t in control of what is happening to him but I don’t want to make anything worse than it is. I also find it hard to know for sure how much of what he is expressing to me is part of a drama that he is having and how much of it is actually completely involuntary. I don’t think that he will have been ranting incoherently at work yesterday and it confuses me that that part of him is somehow compartmentalised so that it is all directed at me. There were several occasions yesterday where he seemed as though he might become violent, he moved in an aggressive and threatening way very quickly while shouting. At times like that I tend to think immediately of the clock in order to gage how long before he gets tired and wants to sleep – that’s how used to it all I am now. I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t have this ranting problem at work at the moment, although at other times he has had problems with people at work, and he does have the problem of having too much energy when he is at work. Mostly he seems to be manic all the time but very negative when he is with me or in the house. He has a doctors appointment today and I’m really praying that he will tell the doctor about what he is feeling. He’s also been having chest pains and might only tell the doctor about that. I pray that he tells the whole story and not just the chest pains. We shall see. Fingers crossed he will attend the appointment.
The more I research about my wife, I’m convinced that there is something more than bipolar, perhaps something like schizophrenia or a personality disorder. There’s just so much deviousness and manipulation at play, and a cleverness at hiding the illness from so many people with a facade. Occasionally, she mentions suicide as a way to escape the guilt from the carnage she’s caused, no-one knows for sure whether she is serious or just being manipulative (I unfortunately think its the latter)…
I discovered yesterday that she was planning on taking my kids with her someplace where she’d be able to interact with the person that she most recently had an affair with… Her rationale was to see how she felt around him, otherwise there’d be unanswered questions if she decided to try and reconcile with me… When I confronted her on the irrational nature of her decision, and the fact that seeing him again would all but kill our chances of reconcilation… I was met with nothing but venom and viciousness. Honestly, I think that was all I could take. As forgiving as I am and as much love as I feel, I can’t continue to pine for a fantasy as I have been doing lately.
She’s currently seeing a psychologist, and personally I think she’s just been toying with him and telling him what she wants to tell him… He’s fascinated by her and I think he’s got his hands full doing all he can to tackle singular issues like depression, control issues, trust, etc… but I don’t think he’s considering this a serious mental issue because if he did, then she’d be seeing a doctor or someone else more qualified with this sort of problem… In fact, the psych was even the one that suggested she see this man again to check her feelings for him… What kind of twisted advice is this.
Bottom line is my wife needs help, she needs to admit there’s a problem, she needs to accept that she needs to treat it, and she needs to accept that there will be a period of experimentation/side-effects that she’ll have to be patient with and stay committed to. I can honestly offer a seat on that ride with her, if she could just stay focused on our family and curb her flirting obsession with other men.
I can’t make her get that help. Even just a mention of this problem to her, sets her off wildly defensive and makes it all about me. She can’t see that even without me, even with another younger man, there is still going to be a problem. Perhaps I have become a bit of a trigger for some of her episodes, perhaps someone new and fresh may buy her a temporary euphoric period of happiness… But this story is not going to end well…
Perhaps knowing that I love her so much, and I’d seemingly take her back in a heartbeat has given her a crutch which may be preventing her from taking the drastic steps she needs to take. I have to remove that crutch, stop all contact with her, and move on. For now, I refuse to be the brunt of the downward cycle and allow some other man to be on the receiving end of all her highs… so I have to be strong and cut bait. Maybe one day, eyes will open and she’ll want to help put our family back together again, but I will stop dreaming about it.
It takes a strong person to be as forgiving as I am, but unfortunately for a successful bipolar marriage it seems that it takes a strong BP person to want to try and make this work. So many success stories, all with the BP wanting to undergo treatment, wanting to manage their condition, I commend all of you.
I don’t know what motivates someone with these sorts of problems to continue to let them manifest indefinitely… What’s gotta happen to make her want to change? Does something have to happen to one of my kids??? God forbid. I’m powerless. Good luck to the rest of you.
You are very strong. I can tell that you love your wife and family a lot. I really hope you find peace in your situation and do the best thing for your whole family. Keep your head up. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you!
I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL,I DID NOT KNOW THIS SITE EXISTED,AND HAVE READ IT FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST ENLIGHTENING BLOG I HAVE EVER READ,AND I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOU EXPERIENCES. IT HELPS ME PUT A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON MY SITUATION!
hey panda, annoyd, zuki, etc.:
i haven’t posted for a few weeks but here’s what’s new. i haven’t heard from my wife directly, but a friend of a friend said it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me, it’s that she’s afraid to since she believes i have “the power to put ideas in her head and make them think they’re hers.”
so this makes her sound totally psychotic, of course, but since it’s third-hand info, i don’t know how much was lost in translation.
she cancelled our car insurance policy a few weeks ago, which is bad because since she filed for divorce (back in July), there’s what’s called a preliminary injunction, which means we can’t sell or transfer or hide property, and have to maintain all insurance coverage (including auto) in “full force and effect.”
she could be held in contempt of court, arrested and prosecuted for “interfering in judicial proceedings.” she could even do jail time, although it’s more likely she’d get a fine.
of course, i’m not gonna turn her in, but it could come up if we end up divorcing and have to do financial disclosure. i sent her an email of the citation, asking her to reinstate the policy for her own good, and i sent a copy to both her coworker and her roommate. i got no response from any of them.
it’s just crazy, she’s pushing for this divorce without even speaking to me or asking a common friend to speak for her. when people bring up me or the divorce to her, she totally stonewalls them and shuts them out.
i can’t prevent the divorce, i can only slow it down by avoiding service and then filing various petitions, in the hope that she’ll come down from the high she’s on before the divorce goes through.
i just wish i had more direct info about how she was doing. she tells everybody she feels fine and is having the time of her life and i’m “blocking her progress.” as far as i know she’s still working.
we also owe taxes together, as well as a judgment from a small claims court case we lost (since she showed up unprepared and was unwilling to speak to me about it beforehand). this is all going to get garnished from her paycheck.
i’m going to start seeing our marital counselor/therapist twice a week now, hoping i’ll start to make some progress.
Annoyd, some interesting things you posted:
“Another interesting side-effect of this problem is that her crazy 40-year BP side has attracted a bunch of other disfunctionaly partying friends that are sitting around advising her now to move on and be happy… I think BP’s or similarly messed up people have a way of finding one another, or as my wife says it… “she has dysfunctional friends so that she feels more normal…”.”
This is exactly what happened with my wife, too (she just turned 30). Her new friends are divorced, dysfunctional cokeheads. They won’t stop her from being crazy.
“Perhaps I have become a bit of a trigger for some of her episodes, perhaps someone new and fresh may buy her a temporary euphoric period of happiness… But this story is not going to end well…”
Me, too. I’ve certainly become a trigger. How do we stop this? How do we get out of their way? I’ve tried no contact, it doesn’t work. My wife changed her phone number, even though i hadn’t called her in weeks. I could call her at work or go to her house anytime, though.
Polly,
I am not moving in with my boyfriend! i have no idea where you got that from!!
the abuse went both ways. we both knew. every one knew that we were no good for each other towards the end. that we dragged each other down. burned each other out.
you never took me or my bipolar seriously. i mentioned stuff like couples councilling. wrote stuff. made personall stuff what i wrote very very public, gave stuff for you to read which gathered dust under the bed. our problems was hidden under a blanket. you treat me morer like a daughter than your partner. smoked weed even tho you knew it was a massive trigger for me. even after i told you that the amount you were smoking was making me ill. was like i was smoking it myself and once again showing signs of drug induced pychosis.
the stuff you said to me out of spite did not help either. like when you went camping and you said you enjoyed it better because i was not there and told me that your friends dont like me. and even now you tell my that my “so called” friends tell you infomation about me.
it is possible to be with me when im raging or manic. the person im with now proves that. he does not roll over and let me stomp all over him like what you said my next partner will do. he has the right mix of mentallity. he is patient. the most patient person i have ever met. he does not make me feel that i am basket case. he makes me feel that i am human. he makes me feel like were even. i am not ashamed to have bipolar, he helped me understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. he has read the book even tho he is dyslexic and finds it hard to read. he has read what i wrote and more inportantly took it all on board. he has made more effort in the short space of time that we been together than you did in the nearly 3 years we were.
Hi Doug,
My wife says something very similar. That I manipulate her when we argue. Of course I don’t, I just speak the truth. The truth interferes with her “reality” and so since the two can’t coexist at the same time, it confuses her. My therapist who deals with both bipolars and borderlines is almost certain my wife is borderline. They are similar disorders.
Having friends who keep her going prevents her from having to face the ugly reality of what she is doing. “Normal” friends would see her behavior as odd.
In my case, I certainly can trigger my wife. It isn’t me though, it is anyone who is close to my wife. Usually family, but sometimes friends are pushed away if they get too close and say or do something real or imagined that hurts my wife. The real can be trivial. I don’t blame myself and you shouldn’t either. Rest assured that from everything I have read on bi-polar and borderline, if it isn’t you, it will be a future spouse or lover.
For many people on here reading, look into Borderline as well. My wife fit many of the symptoms of bi-polar, but it wasn’t until my therapist could relate my wife’s actions back to borderline behavior that I started to see that as a closer link.
In the Borderline’s (wife’s) case there is very black and white thinking, and splitting, where you suck and this guy over here is awesome type thinking. Basically you are either good or evil. Right now, I am in the being put on a pedastal, even though she wanted a divorce not that long ago and said some pretty nasty things. There is never an in-between, never a gray area. You are either on a pedastal or you have horns coming out of your head. They take no responsibility or very little responsibility for the pain they cause. Deep inside they feel shame though. If they do admit hurting you, it was your fault or they twist it in a way that tries to get you to beleive that they were right in taking the actions or doing what they did, this is to relieve the shame, though there is no relieving it because it is always there. In my case, god forbid if I ever made a good point, the subject would quickly be changed into something else that she knew I felt bad about, or she would say something mean or put words in my mouth and accuse me of something I didn’t do and then storm off. Last words were very important to her. Looking back at it, I think this was more for her benefit of convincing herself than it was for convincing me. I was told if my wife did leave me, it certainly wouldn’t be her fault.
Good to hear some additional perspectives.
let me first start by reframing my story as I did not mean to offend those on this blog that are afflicted with this unfortunate problem. Clearly I am angry at my wife’s affliction as it has caused deep permanent scarring to me and my family with her infidelity and destructive actions, but at the same time I still have sympathy.
I’m now 9 weeks into separation and through the past week I’ve tried a strategy of zero contact (phone, email, text) from my end as I feel that my strong support and love have proven to be a crutch for her to enable her to continue to explore other relationships. Actually, I guess after 17 years of marriage we both have developed a codependency on each other as with any marriage where couples are routinely in regular contact with one another…
My other observation is with all of my outpouring of emotion, feelings, reflections, admissions to my own faults with our marriage, and hope that we can try to work on reconcilation… my wife has offered up very little on her end. No validation of what I’m going through, she’s simply shut down emotionally. A few cracks form every now and then to display the sadness and guilt, but this still so much venom and anger to protect herself from me getting inside of her head. Anyways, I’ve found that during her outbursts she will often use everything that I’ve opened up to her about… and turns it around to attack me with it to hurt me with it during her attacks on me.
So far the zero contact thing has drove her nuts as she’s so used to controlling me and manipulating me over the phone. When I stopped answering the phone and texts, she resorted to communicating at me through my 11 year old daughter… I may have to ease things off a bit and communicate somewhat with her, but the new motto is that I REFUSE to let her inside my head anymore. I’m not telling her how I’m doing, feeling, not making any comments about her, etc… It’s driving her crazy, but I just think I have to stop this cycle of abuse permanently and move on… Because with all this talk about “triggering her behaviour”, I think we’re right in admitting that those triggers might be impossible to undo…
I also get accused of manipulation and putting ideas into my husband’s head. A friend of mind has a theory that it is because he feels inferior. He sees me as being more capable than him and therefore in control of myself and my life while he isn’t in control of himself and so he feels intimidated. I think it probably has something to do with transferrence aswell as he seems to want to control and manipulate. One of his obsessions is that after me his next partner will be young and naive, and will just ‘follow’ him. (poor girl)
I’m still living under threat of him leaving.. under the sword of Damoclese, as my sister would say. I’m used to that but also aware that someday he will probably actually leave for good. I know that I will miss him horribly, painfully. I can already feel it actually, but I know that when it does it (properly, as opposed to just storming out then returning the next day) after that then I won’t be able to have him back again. I dread it because I know it will be a point of no return for me, although he’ll probably want to carry on playing cat and mouse I won’t be able to do it anymore. I just know my limits, and have that very clear in my head. I hope that will help me in the future so that at least if he does take things that far then he’ll only have the opportunity to have done that once. Everyone has to have a limit I think. There comes a point when his problems aren’t my responsibility anymore and I think probably that will be when he has have left. At that point I intend to hold him fully responsible for himself and not make any more allowances. Brave words, I just hope I will have the strength to stick to them.
Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe in many years. I’ve always had this idea that when the day comes that he actually will leave I will wake up in the morning completely unaware that is the day it will happen. Things have been pretty rough lately though and each day is tense.
Today is turning out to be a very difficult day for my husband after all. It may be that this weekend is the one he leaves (again, but permenantly this time). I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone on this discussion and also to the host blogger. The discussion I’ve read in here has helped me to gain so much perspective on our situation and has really helped me to stay calm in the most difficult of circumstances. It has enabled me to realise that the situation may be beyond my control but it isn’t beyond my understanding and that really means a huge amount at a time like this. If it happens that you don’t see me in here again it will be because he did leave and I decided not to look back. I’m promising myself that if and when he leaves then I will spend every waking minute of my time forging ahead with my own life. Actually, perhaps I should start doing that regardless of whether or not he leaves. Again, thank you so much. xx
I am totally grateful for this website and many posts that have given me needed insight into the mind of my bp ex partner, a woman that I continue to love, adore and miss deeply in spite of the emotional torment this disease brought into my life. My relationship was brief, ending after only six months. She left three months ago in the wake of me labeling and name calling her some pretty ugly names. Two months into the relationship, I noticed major mood swings, and questioned her about what was happening. She admitted that she was bp and had not been on medication nor in therapy for years. She started snapping at me, and complaining about everything even though I worked every day and paid all the household expenses to the exclusion of some incidentals she took care of. She was not working, and actually had relocated to live with me after having a failed relationship with another woman in another state. We were at first very happy, but I began to think about how she just left the other woman and immediately started a relationshp with me. Needless to say, things got real ugly after a few months. She began restless, stayed awake half of the night while I needed to sleep and be rested for work. She also started eating excessively, and not wanting to do healthy things. When I asked her about working out and losing weight, she verbally attacked with venemous comments and an argument ensued. I called her some ugly names, apologized and went to work. When I returned home, she was gone, leaving a note stating that she loved me, but could not tolerate my verbal abuse. Despite my hurt, we saw each other a few days later, made love and started about couples counseling. I thought all was well, and we would work things out. We attended one session, after which she informed me that she was dating. I then cancelled couples counseling, and started on a course of trying to put the pieces of my life back together. Today, three months later, I found myself still in love with this woman, and baffled by my own feelings, and in a quandary as to what to do. I would appreciate any feedback…
Zuki, strong words is right, but just knowing what you should do is such a huge step. Practice makes better as a marriage counselor I had used to say. Knowing what you will allow yourself to put up with, what is “normal” and what is not is also a huge milestone. For me, I really had no boundaries. It feels so good to have them. I find myself seeing people in a whole new light. When people trample inside my boundaries I recognize it much faster. I recognize abusive or dysfunctional behavior so much easier now. It happened so quick for me, I guess I was ready. In my wife’s family, her father is verbally abusive, her grandmother is verbally abusive and her sister plays the victim all the time and tries to use guilt to manipulate. Her father and grandmother try to manipulate as well by using guilt and verbal abuse. When you see it and recognize it, you are well armed to deal with it. When you start realizing what YOU are responsible for it is so liberating. Zuki, it sounds like you are well on your way. You and no one on here deserves to be treated poorly. Understanding the problem your spouse faces and knowing it isn’t your fault helps in dealing with it, and then setting up boundaries is key in not allowing yourself to be overtaken.
My therapist beleives my wife is borderline, and in that, me setting up boundaries is good #1 for me, and #2 for my kids so that at least one parent is “normal” and #3 is good for my wife. It HELPS her recognize what is and isn’t appropriate behavior. I can’t change her, but I can change what I put up with. Liken it to training a dog or for those of you with kids, disciplining kids. My wife is extremely intelligent, but has the emotional IQ or EQ as they say of a five year old, so when my counselor explained how to work with it, I laughed, because it is exactly like handling a child. She does not know how to regulate her emotions, and counts on others to help her with that. If I put up with it, she thinks her emotional outbursts are OK. In the end though, we are only capable of changing ourselves.
Annoyd,
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife hardly ever took responsibility for anything. It was always someone else’s fault, mine mostly.
The triggers are probably impossible to stop, I agree completely, but I am finding I am getting better at recognizing when she is “acting out”, and walking away or letting her know when she blows up that I don’t approve of how she is acting or that I do not deserve to be treated that way. She may act out more, and become more angry, but if I remove myself from the situation, she will usually “come to” a couple hours later. As my therapist says, things will get worse before they get better because you are creating boundaries that they are not used to. Just like when children are exposed to new rules, they refuse at first and may act out and throw tantrums, but eventually, IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT, 
those will diminish. This is what I was told in regards to Borderline, as I am not sure this would work with bi-polar.
Again, I really have to say how much help you all have been and hopefully I can help some of you out there. I think I went through the past 17 years of my relationship figuring that my wife just had some really bad PMS or something, not realizing that the extreme lows and highs were not normal. I too was intoxicated with those highs, walking on egg-shells all the time not to set off my wife. So many times I watched her load herself up with work and stress, only to helplessly watch her collapse under the weight of it over and over again. I think I must be a patient, or extremely codependent person, to last so long in a marriage like this. We have 2 young children from this marriage, so perhaps everything that I went through was worth it in the end…
I have learned from this blog that the sane play is to let go. In my case, my wife’s behaviour ended up with an affair and several other (subsequently discovered) lirtacious incidents that crossed the line of a committed relationship. My wife walked out, she’ll probably want to come back one day, but maybe I’m blessed now with the chance to let her go and start fresh. I see clearly now that this is the only way for me to truly be happy and get off this emotional rollercoaster. I feel WAY better than I did a few weeks ago and if I can hold firm then I know I’ll get even better from here on.
Just following up on Panda’s last point about boundaries. “Boundaries” came up when I was talking all this through with my therapist a few weeks ago when I though I was just dealing with a ultra-controlling woman, and also back when I felt I was trying to reconcile with my wife. See, if I got back with the my wife and put down some common “rules” governing her behaviour with respect to flirting, etc… then she’d view that as me being “controlling” and she’d fight and resist like hell. But instead phrasing things as a relationship “boundary” for me, then it now becomes her choice and within her control as to whether she wants to live within those boundaries… it doesn’t come across to her as a control play anymore.
Since we’re still going to have to still stay in touch with one another for the sake of the kids, I can see some value in setting boundaries for our new co-parenting relationship. A week ago, she absolutely blasted me on the phone for now reason. After she calmed down, I told her that it was unacceptable for her to talk to me that way again (especially considering I wasn’t married to her anymore), and she seems to be starting to come around with these new boundaries so far… Perhaps the whole boundary thing might help you in your ongoing relationships if you are encountering similar paranoia about “control” in your relationships…
Last thing I’ll just throw out there. Whenever I was arguing with the irrational crazy side of my wife, I think I tried every possible strategy (quiet, fight back, etc…). She would of course tell me that everything was always my fault, etc… But she also used to critique my communication style a lot. She used to call me passive-aggressive a lot, and she ALWAYS said that I judged her all the time. Its taken me a lot of time with my therapist to explore these things, since I wanted to fix these character flaws for future relationships, etc… Problem is that I’m none of these things, and I consider myself one of the least judgemental people on this planet. The fact that I have so much compassion that I was willing to forgive all her sins due to her illness should be proof of that… So, long story short, one of my wife’s games was to convince me that I was just as messed up as she was. I know now that I’m not, I hope that some of you can look in the mirror and see that too.
Well said Annoyd, sorry about your situation, but it sounds like you are getting your life back. Your kids will have at least one functioning parent, and that is better than none.
Boundaries are good no matter what the situation or relationship. Learning what is and isn’t acceptable behavior is very key in setting and enforcing the boundaries. Like my therapist said, the boundaries could set the other person off, and things will likely get worse before they get better. Maybe the other person will leave, but the boundaries must be set for your own sanity. This used to be the hard part for me, because I was constantly worried about upsetting my wife. Before I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling her I thought her behavior was inappropriate, etc… for FEAR. Early on in the relationship I might have stood up to her and got the proverbial kick in the teeth and “learned” not to stand up for myself, at this point I can’t remember when it started. I am no longer afraid. I wasn’t doing my wife any good, me any good, and certainly not setting an example of acceptable behavior for my kids.
Panda,
Kids seeing a bad relationship or one where the parents keep separating is not good for the kids either. Please don’t be offended by that but it is true. You fixing how you react to her can only go so far and is not going to fix the relationship overall. You seem too scared to leave when leaving is probably the best thing. Parents should not stay together just for the sake of kids. Sorry but I just had to say it like I see it. Be well.
Steaknpotatoes,
I am not at all offended. You are absolutely right that parents seperating and getting back together is not good for the kids. Whether she is with me or not, she by her very nature will find herself in and out of close relationships. So I really don’t see that as avoidable as long as she doesn’t get help. It is not fear that is keeping me in this, it is my love for her. That is not to say that I have no fear, everyone does, and I as well as most on this board probably have more than normal amounts of it based on our unique experiences. Being a positive role model for the kids is most important, and I just started that journey since I just started standing up for myself. I will no longer take the abuse lying down as I just started to love myself as well as those close to me. Whether or not this works in getting our relationship to a “normal” level, I am learning the tools I will use and need for the rest of my life in any relationship. If I came across that I am trying to keep the relationship together for the kids sake I am sorry for the confusion as that is certainly not the reason I am with her. I have been dealing with her behaviors for quite a few years before we had kids, 7 to be exact.
I could have walked at any point during that time.
Panda,
Again no offense intended but I don’t think you should put up with all that I’ve read from your posts because you love someone either. And for it helping you in other relationships, people without bipolar or borderline won’t require such boundaries. It seems you are being and have been emotionally abused by her and love doesn’t justify it. I know I’ve been through it myself and thank goodness she finally left for good and I let her go. Trust me you can find another woman who will be a good woman and you can coparent the kids. No offense intended.
I have not taken offense at all. I understand your solution was ending your relationship and no one on here can knock you for that. There are two schools of thought on this subject, those like you that feel that they will never change so leave, and those like me that feel that there is a chance. I don’t want you or others thinking that means that I or those that beleive their loved one can change have to put up with abuse. Like I have posted earlier, I will not tolerate abuse any more and have spoken up. I am not fearful of speaking up and having her leave. I am confident in what I feel now. It is great. I just started this process of not allowing myself to be drawn into the drama, so I do think it premature to end the relationship. I don’t think every situation calls for the same solution steaknpotatoes. Every situation is different. Which is why I think rules about boundaries are great, because they are good no matter what decision you make or what situation you find yourself in. I disagree on the boundary thing with future relationships, because those of us in relationships with bipolar or borderline have in all probability lost our boundaries. Learning to get those boundaries back is good for future relationships because god help you if you end up with another person with bipolar or borderline, and even in “healthy” relationships, “normal” people will from time to time trample on your boundaries if you let them. After all, no one is perfect.
Agreed, no one is perfect but relationships with non bp people are not as hard and difficult and don’t require such measures and such bending over backwards. Yes they require boundaries but not nearly to the extent necessary with bp people. And who’d want to be in arelationship where you have to constantly set such boundaries, there should be mutual respect to begin with. There is a lot more give and take, happiness, and a lot less problems from the get with non bp or bordeline people. I hope you are not setting yourself up for big disappointment.
I hope so too steaknpotatoes. I guess I am going into it with a realistic attitude. I am not expecting overnight success. You would be surprised how boundaries help with all relationships. I am seeing things are lot clearer now that I have just started using boundaries. There is mutual respect. My wife is just overcome by a feeling that she is disappearing. She is in essence fighting for her survival. It clearly isn’t the case, but in her mind it is. These are the coping mechanisms she has learned for whatever reason for all her close relationships, leave before you get hurt. They are much more unhappy then you. It is hard to blame someone who has a problem that is in essence out of their control. The boundaries I am told become second nature after a while, like brushing your teeth in the morning or going to the bathroom. For me, trying is the right decision, now.
I spoke with my wife this weekend. I explained what I think she might be facing, and she cried. She said she felt “broken”, and then thought it might be better if she just killed herself to spare her kids from having a broken mom. She said she felt like a worthless human being. Today I got an email that she researched borderline and feels she might have that. She said she wants to get help. I am hoping that with therapy and understanding on her part, and mine that we can get through this. It won’t be easy, which is why I am not setting unrealistic expectations for setting myself up for disappointment.
Telling her was hard, I was extremely scared, and worried if it was the right thing to do. I do know that me seeking help is only 50% of the problem, and to have a functioning marriage, she needs to seek help as well.
Now the idea is she will come back and live in the house and we will take it off the market. She will seek treatment and I will continue to go to my therapist. As far as disappointment, this is a whole lot better than being 180 miles away from my kids and going through a divorce. steaknpotatoes, I know you are in the camp that says “run as fast as you can and don’t look back”
, but I still don’t think that applies to everyone and every situation.
I’m deducing that my wife is probably borderline also. She’s of the state of mind right now that she’s not going to want to hear that from me, I’ve reached out to some family members to try and help her because I think she is crying for help…. but I’m not sure any of them are brave or strong enough to stand up the defensive barrage they’ll face if my wife feels cornered.
Panda, I’d dreamed one day that my wife might be brave enough to admit she has a problem and willing to let me be there by her side to help her through it. I gave so much in our relationship (probably too much) and asked so very little, although I do need 100% commitment from her (with respect to flirting with other men) which has proven over and over again that she cannot do.
So, I’ve simply weighed all the pros and cons of staying. Coparenting would be easier if we were both together, but sadly there are so few pros that would justify me putting up with the continued abuse, selfish and narcissistic behaviour especially into our empty nest retirement years. These blogs and my therapist have kind of taught me that being selfish and looking after my own needs is really the only option. I have needs that have been shelved and neglected for years and there is only so much of myself that I can give into a blackhole of thanklessness and lack of reciporication. To fight to win back the love of my wife or otherwise stay emotionally committed to this relationship makes absolutely no sense, and I guess a clearer head these past few weeks has simply reconfirmed that to me.
I do want her to get help and attempt to address her problems, but solely for my kids sake and for the hope that she can have a better relationship with her family.
a good song for feeling strong and not looking back
phil collins i don’t care anymore
I know what you are saying steaknpotatoes. It won’t be an easy journey for me if she follows through with getting help. I already am being selfish. I am putting myself first. I am not allowing her to blame me and am not taking responsibility for things that are not my fault. She is super sensitive, and will accuse me of accusing her when I didn’t. It is enough to drive you nuts if you aren’t armed with self confidence and a full understanding of what you are responsible for. She has come around before and said she would get help, but that was before I had an idea of what she was facing. Before I didn’t know, she went to therapy for a few sessions and then quit. Now I will be persistent. She has already told her mother, and her mother thinks she has it. I have at least one ally hopefully that will push her along the path of getting help and following through with it. We’ll see, but like I said, I won’t allow myself to be pushed around any more.
Hi Everyone
I have never read stuff from a site like this, and for sure I never wrote on one. I am not even sure if I am doing this properly. I would love to hear from some bipolar people who might be able to relate.
My boyfriend is bipolar and has had some very serious episodes in his life. He has even ended up in the psych ward of the hospital. However, all of these things happened a long time ago (he is over 50). He told me that he hasn’t had an episode in ten years or so. He takes his medication regularly and that seems to help him. We were together for only one year. It was the most wonderful year of my life. I am insanely in love with this wonderful person. We do not live in the same city, so we saw each other fairly regularly but only in short amounts of time – 4 or 5 days every month or so. He is very kind, gentle and quiet. Not much of a talker at all. A few months ago, he told me that he was ending things between us. There has been very little communication between us since then – an email here and there, but that’s it. I don’t want to lose him. I want him in my life, on any terms that he can handle, because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everything between us was going quite well; although the last weekend we were together things felt a little off and I couldn’t figure out why. Three days later he phoned me and told me he was breaking up with me. I am inconsolable. I cry all the time. How can I just let go of someone I love so much? So, does his breaking up with me have anything to do with being bipolar. Up until he broke things off we had talked about spending our lives together. Is there anything I can do to get him to come back to me or do I just have to let him go? Please, could someone respond because I am so unhappy all of the time without him in my life. Thanks!
hi cathy
yes this sounds like classic bipolar behavior! please read my and others’ previous posts and you will be reassured and start to understand it is the bp.
Hi Red
Thank you very much for responding. I felt very lucky to land on this site – I had never heard about it and Google was right on bringing me here. I have read some of the comments and I will continue reading.
hi cathy
also check out the link i posted to i have been in a relationship with a bipolar person and it was hell that will help also
my best to you red
I have never in my wildest dream had I experience such a cyclonic relationship, than the one I am experiencing over these last 11 years.
What have done in my past life that I am in the wild storm?
Every day is a different day that you can never forecast.
At least you can preemnt a hurricane, and then take action.
Why am I here in this relationship? Perhaps it is the challenge, and compassion and survival.
Here are some helpful things you can do to assist you.
1.Learn about bi polar, read up as much as you can.
2.Seek respite by having someone to talk with.
3.Don’t take the abuse personally, remember you have no recourse to argue with a sufferer when they in an episode, don’t even try to state your position, because you my push her further into depression.
4.Support her in taking medication, don’t use as a process to take it out on her.
5.Try not to de brief to work colleagues, seek professional people or other partners who are in the same situation.
6.You set up your own bipolar support group in your community; you may start a small newsletter to inform community about your meetings.
7.Remember you are not alone, you are an unpaid carer,
your pay off is that you are learning as you go.
How are you red and cathy ?
Hi Red and Jay (and anyone else who is reading this)!
Again, thank you so much for connecting with me. I have felt so much better since finding this site.
I have been reading back over everyone’s postings. There are so many, it is hard to believe so many people are suffering so much. But I am confused. My boyfriend has been on his meds for years. I have only known him for the past year – year and half so I have never seen him have any episodes. Although he did tell me about them. As I said earlier, he ended up in the psych ward a couple of times and was treated with electro shock therapy, which he absolutely hated. Not that I blame him.
For the year we were together, I felt like I was living a fairy tale. I was/am in love like I have never been before and I am over 50 with 3 grown up kids, so it’s not like I haven’t had any experiences in my life. But this relationship was different. It was perfect!! However, I didn’t see him regularly because, as I also said earlier, we live about 800 miles away from each other, so we would see each other for extra long weekends each month or so. We also spent 2 weeks together in the summer and at Christmas time. He was always on that even plane that the meds provide and he takes his meds regularly. We kept saying that one day we would live together.
Then, just before the summer, he broke up with me. Over the phone just 2 days after we had spent the weekend together. but we had planned on me moving to live with him for the summer months. We couldn’t yet live together full time, but I am a teacher so I have two months holiday time in the summer. The plan was for me to move to his house for the 2 months. We talked about it often, with anticipation (I thought). We never fought or argued the whole time we were together. Now, he completely ignores me. Just before I moved in, he broke it off. After reading other postings, it sounded like this might be a function of his bipolar behavior. I have tried to communicate through email and through mutual friends, but I hear nothing.
I can’t imagine my life without him. I ache all the time. Does this description sound like a bipolar person or am I completely off track. Almost all of the postings talk about the pattern of being together, breaking up, being together, etc. I didn’t have this eperience. When he broke up with me, he told me that he still loves me but he can’t bear the expectations anymore – he just doesn’t feel like he can meet them. But I never had any expectations. Everything was perfect. He also said that he felt he was losing himself in the relationship, feeling overwhelmed. Any thoughts out there to advise me. Please.
hi cathy and jay
it is CLASSIC bippolar behavior and same things happened with my ex bf. i was supposed to move in also, we got along great, never fought. they get overwhelmed re. commitment and cannot love people like we do and so they push you away. there is also nothign you can do about it. please try to let it go and find someone who does not have bipolar and save yourself the heartache of trying to figure out this behavior further, this is what bp people do, they get close then they run and cut contact with you.
jay what you’re saying is good but in my expereince it is best to let go and dont try to understand beyond it is bipolar and that is what they do unfortuantely. i made myslef and everyone else miserable trying to figure it out and trying to get him back but you cannot change their behavior or win against the bipolar. they will come back but they will also cut and run. i have found a wonderful man who is not bipolar and i am very happy now. i never thought i would get along so well with anyone again like i did with bp ex but i do and it is not fruaght with breaking up and drama.
all my best, red
Cathy and red thanks, Ive got run to work, soon as I get back I will write to you and everyone.
Please take care, we are all wonderful people with complex challenges.
Soon as I get back Western Austrailan time 1600 Hrs I will speak with you
Jay heaps
Cathy and Red, and others thanks for your comments
Cathy and Red, thanks for your comments. Red you have a good point, why have I taken the position as a care giver and not a partner?
I entered the relationship with proviso to have a relationship not to be a constant care giver.
There are moments; these moments are what I call windows of clarity and while they open for these brief moments of the authentic person appear.
I know that that I walk on egg shells, I am aware my partner will leave the relationship and when I mean leave she going through an episode.
I then say to her ok you have arrived at this situation or this episode I tell her to feel the pain go with it don’t fight it fall into it.
I know she will return from the episode and when she comes back I say welcome back and how was it and how do you feel.
The above is a light stage,
I call stage 1. Stage is emotional it may be easy to handle. Stage 2 she fall deeper into the darkness of depression she closes down to me.
Stage 3 it is when all hell breaks loose, she verbalize her hate for me and enter an anger stage by swearing me up and down.
I am dealing more than one personality here, I’ve learnt not to personalize or take this in a personal way.
Red you are right to ask why, am I in this relationship and what are my pay off? Over the 11 years I have been caring not relating, now I am relating, I have seen some improvement.
I am learning through this process and applying it in my work place, my job demands me of dealing with people in all situations.
I may turn up to a house hold where we are dealing with this very situation and if I can save that life and teach fellow colleagues to show compassion I feel good.
I just watched a television documentary on the ABC “Four Corners program” last Monday of the various police shooting of the mentally Ill throughout our country.
Those deaths could have been avoided if better understanding of the nature of what they were dealing with.
At work each day I never know what I am dealing with, I have to listen what they tell me in their voice, there body language, and action to me,
this evaluation is very important as it tells me what action I have to take.
Tactical retreat is a process could be applied in this situation of police confrontation don’t make the situation worse than what it is.
I apply tactical retreat when my partner is having an episode, I am grateful I have a one of the best teachers in my university of knowledge.
Cathy you are delaing with sitaution in your way some times as Red said you have to just leave thats cool too.
One day I may just do that I am not evloved enough in that area of leaving.
I know there is formula to this I am so close at cracking the code and when I do I will write a book, you both will get a personalized coy of that book.
Luv
Jay
There is more than one jay here make me Jay2
Now I m off too work have wonderful day people please write
Heaps Jay2
Cathy
He may say he loves you but he needs you more…
“Need” is different to “love” I believe that we have become carers in these relationships and we can often be confused with the need and love.
I believe we must love our self before we can love anyone else. For example if we have no self worth we attract that into our lives.
I know that has been in my case.
You sound like a very caring person some time caring people get used.
Until you can understand what you can gain or what is the pay off for you to be in that relationship you may find peace.
I like what Red said to “if no like get out”
My pay off for being in my relationship is learning, that might sound selfish and the end of the day we will have to learn something
Jay2
Now Im late 0542 Hrs Perth time
Hi again
Even if logic (and red) says to get out of the relationship, it is not so easy. I am so sad now; all the time. Sometimes I find myself with tears running down my cheeks. I miss him so much. The pain is almost unbearable. I am afraid that I am becoming depressed.
Yet, I know in my head that I have to move on. If I find someone else oe not, I need to begin to find happiness in the things and people who brought joy into my life before I met him. I know that if we get back together, then there will be more heartache for me. I am working on moving on. But it is soooo hard to let go and leave someone you love so much.
hi cathy
i know its not easy he made me feel worse than i felt my entire life, depressed, awful
he gave me no choice but to move on and stopped coming back after i kept pulling him back in (btw he wanted me to get a house with him and help him raise his kids, loved me more than anyone then one day for the 30th time boom, i dont love you, i never did, i don’t want to talk about it and hasn’t spoken to me since.)
i made the decision not to chase after him anymore (not that he wanted to be chased anymore anyway) and stop wasting my energy time and money on therapy figuring him out or tryuing to get him back and being depressed and miserable. so i started taking all that energy and put it into looking for a healthy relationship. i never said it was easy, it was a real low point in my life, it brought me to my knees. he brought me to the highest highs of happiness and then crashed me down taking it away from me with no warning, many times, and worse every time until i was almost cliniccally depressed. i know how hard it is and how much it hurts. but the only thing to do to save yourself and your mental health is to let it go. i wish i had a lot sooner.
all my best red
How are you all online here, Cathy I hopr you are ok and Red.
Hope youve had a great day my dsy is just starting.
Wow, I don’t believe I have posted since the very end of July, the morning of the day I received a call from the local police. My bipolar friend (love) and former professor (I am 14 yrs older…nearly 50) was with an officer and wanting me charged with stalking! He was there with one of his young (teen) girlfriends that he always has during the summer when he’s manic and delusional. I couldn’t convince the officer he was bipolar and delusional because, according to her, “he said you’d say that” and “he appears fine to me; he’s very confident.” He was also dressed in flashy clothing, talking a mile a minute, and walking faster than the speed of light. I had to agree never to speak with him again (email, etc) or I WOULD be charged with felony stalking. He was prepared to show her all my emails over the past year…all the ones he used to beg for:) The officer said cease and desist or be arrested, so I stayed away but continued to listen to his music from his blogs. And he, after two days, began “talking” to me again thru his song choices about love, about me deserting him, and about him wanting me to contact him. And he was sure to remind me of my promise during his depression in major June when I said I would never desert him. So I thought I found a way to communicate safely: I would post letters to him on MY music site that nobody else saw. That worked for awhile and he was very happy, but still avoiding me at the gym. In September he became delusional again (twice) and shocked me by posting back-to-back posts of my private (and rather risque) communications on-line for the world to see. Luckily, though, they didn’t contain my name or contact info. I refrained from using my site to post again (knowing what he could do when delusional), but I continued, only this time I would gauge his mood from the song postings and not post to him when I could tell he was “high” or “aggitated.” One morning in early Sept I listened to two songs about romance before leaving for my teaching job (which I just began in August). I came home from work to find that he had written a post on his national site and asked his listeners to call or email or write my church and my employer to get me to stop stalking him! He provided my full name and links to church and school! I hadn’t even posted to him! I was shocked; apparently his ‘morbid jealousy” struck again as it did in late July and this time all it took was two song postings that were actually meant for him! Within two weeks it was October and I learned that apparently he has that summer sun condition where he’s very manic and delusional late May thru september, but “stabalizes” some in October. One day he just returned to the friend I knew and fell in love with! In fact, twice that week he appeared at our gym at the exact time I always go (we used to work out together until early May rolled around), and he even parked his car where I always park mine. I could tell he wanted to approach me, but he just couldn’t do it. I, too, stayed away from him due to fear (and confusion). I returned home and checked his music blog. Sure enough, he talked about feeling his old self and wanting desperately to be with me, that he loved me, and he wanted a life with me. I could tell from his weeks of song postings that he had dropped the young “prop” (his words to describe the young summer girls). It was oddly refreshing to “have him back” after six months of hell. Well, that was two weeks ago and before two concerts where he drank way too much (it happens weekly, I’m guessing) and then became manic…although not nearly as bad as he was this summer. He is now back to communicating with me through music and avoiding me at the gym, but it appears he’s going to try again to approach me. Only time will tell. If I were stronger (he has truly weakened a once strong, independent woman), I would turn and walk away from him, but I just can’t. I fell for him the moment I met him in August 2008 and I feel a connection to him that I can’t explain. I’ve never been the co-dependent type, but I suppose I am now. And part of me still wishes to save him or at least to give it a shot. He’s so alone in this world (from pushing people away…since he tells noone he has bipolar…untreated Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling, morbid jealousy, the summer condition, and paranoia/delusions). He had everything I wanted: he is bright, funny, intellectual, we share the same loves (hobbies and music), he doesn’t want children, he doesn’t want marriage, he’s fun and energetic, and he is a great communicator (or at least he was….now it’s just song lyrics). Last week my employer was emailed by a fan of my music man; I was called into a meeting about the blogs (all three of them….even the embarrassing private ones that make me look like a sex maniac:). I am now being evaluated twice weekly and my boss no longer smiles at me. I’ve lost his respect. I doubt I’ll have my teaching position after this year. My bipolar “friend” won’t remove the posts and I am possibly going to have to hire an atty to sue my “friend” for libel. The ego won’t allow him to take down the posts even though he knows I may have to sue him; removing them would tell his listeners that he was either wrong or crazy. So I have become the sacrificial lamb, all the while he continues to “talk” to me thru beautiful lyrics and “say” he is going to try again not to be frightened of me. He has also “said” that he warned me of his problem and that I shouldn’t be surprised about what occurred, but he still won’t apologize or take down the blogs that will probably end my job and chance of future teaching employment. Yet stupid me cannot be angry with him. I empathize and sympathize with him. I understand bipolar, but I still HATE it. I am now divorced and have been deserted by my friends, I’ve stopped attending church (I went weekly), and I now suffer from insomnia. My bipolar “friend” seems to relish that I am now virtually alone. He “sings” about us being “twins,” loving me and taking care of me (which is sadly funny), wanting to be together and needing to be together for life, etc. I do believe he loves me a great deal (we had become very close prior to May and I am the only one he’s ever told he has bipolar), but I shall NEVER understand why he fears me when he’s not “stable,” why he loves the mania (He’s pretty much said it….he wanted to know who would choose being a nobody that is dismissed over being Godzilla), and why he can have little empathy for others, including the young girls who he uses over the summer and sometimes over the weekends during nights out with guys and alchohol. They arejust babies! The last one wasn’t much older than my own daughter, who shall never meet him for her sake. When I’ve temporarily departed my friend’s life, his usual “apologies” are about him being sorry HE’S lost me…all about him. I’m sorry I’ve written so much but I suppose I needed to vent. I can’t tell anyone about this (other than my boss who I had to provide documentation to show that I am not stalking my friend as I have been on my knees groveling to keep a job at which I am qualified and so happy). So thanks for tolerating me. Bipolar is a HORRIBLE disease, especially when the person refuses all treatment. I have told my friend that I am one of his disease’s casualties. And I am sure (especially from this website’s postings) that I am not alone. And as I close, I will tell you that I just spent four hours sitting and listening to his radio show where he spent 3/4 of it directing love songs toward me. I have been absent from him for a week due to him refusing to take down the “stalker” blogs. He knows he will outlast me. He’s correct. I’ve walked previously and always returned. I am now broken and isolated, and stressed to the point of losing weight, yet I still cannot let go. Lord, how does the disease manage to infect so many who were once strong and proud? I’m truly a different person now (weak), yet I love him today as much as I ever did…more even. I know I don’t need him, but I foolishly want him. I desire him…all of him. And I remember the man who was/is wonderful when he’s relatively stable, which I’ve learned is not very often. God help him. God help me. God help us all. I do wish I had never met him. My family would be intact and I would probably be as well…
Reply FLNonny Jay2
Wow you do write, Officers do need extra training….If there is a felony committed the officer may prefer the charges, but it is up the presiding judge to determine the legal outcome, not the police officer.
Police are at the front line often determining what constitute a felony but ultimate you do have a right of reply through the court process.
Officers must be very mindful they to come under the police code of conduct and can be due charged if they breach the police code of conduct.
With regards to emails the service provider can prevent and attacts on you by removing the person from the offending site.
You may not be able to take out action yet until you do some ground work.
Regards
Jay2
Thanks for the response, but Google says it’s not their responsibility and FM says it’s a third party blog that is independent. I have researched it and it does appear I have to sue my friend (or at least pay an atty to draft a letter that threatens to sue). Of course receiving will cause him to become manic and then he won’t act. He’s also so darned stubborn and arrogant, plus he’s survived 33 years with his secret and he works very hard to keep it. He’s definitely a survivor.
As for the police, I am a former parole officer and I have worked inside the felony courts so I am familiar with the law and our local police. Sadly for me, just an arrest can get me fired due to the teaching clause that I can be dismissed without cause within the first 3 months. The blogs (and subsequent emails to my school) appeared just two weeks into my job, which is probably why I am being evaluated weekly and I no longer receive praise and smiles from my once very happy (w/ me) employers. After being hired my principal always introduced me as “the jewel in his crown.” Now he won’t even look at me. I teach at a exceptional high school that happens to be in a very conservative and religious small town. Just the fact that I am divorcing went over like a rock; I was told by two teachers (who are each on marriage #3) that they are now “Christians” which is why they would never divorce again. I’ve also been told “Oh, you’re one of those” when I was asked to which religion I belong (Catholic). Although I love my job, my co-workers, the kids, etc, it is not the most forgiving town (which is ironic considering Christ’s message). So, all it takes is for doubt to rule and I am out of a job. Then any potential employers would not hire me after they did a simple name search. My name (with the posts) appears FIRST when a Goggle search is done. In other words, I am doomed. However, my divorce goes thru Monday and I, just last week, decided to drop my husband’s last name (which I’ve had for 20 yrs). With my maiden name, I have a clean slate. My husband (who I’ve made aware of my situation) and I are not telling our children as they would be devastated by me dropping the name (and I had promised them I wouldn’t a few months back)… Just more victims of bipolar and those who have the nerve to think they can help someone who does not wish to be medicated. In his defense, though, through his song lyrics he keeps telling me that he doesn’t want me to “get” his disease, that he loves me too much to subject me to it, etc. One of the songs he consistently plays is “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. “Bullet” is another. And of course he continues to play songs about wanting me but being “terrified” of me and not knowing if he can survive in “my” world. I don’t understand how we could be together for 8 months daily and nightly (at his employment and at the gym) and I didn’t realize he was sick. There were some signs (slight and rare mood changes), but I was clueless until his first delusional episode in mid May. I should have run away then…I still haven’t learned. God bless EACH of you who live with, and find a way to stay with, those who suffer from Bipolar.
Reply FLNonny Jay2
If one refuses treatment the Surgeon General or state or Federal Health may have avenues to assist with compliance.
Depending of the durstriction wether state of federal.
Rememer links are important, legal people in most cases look to linking factors example can you prove he is not taking his medication.
1. Factor of evidence is that he behavior in a manor the may suggest medication is not taken. Look at other examples.
Try to avoid emotional arguments, it very hard I know; when it close to you…
jay2
Jay, the police officer said he has a “right” to be delusional, although she added that she did not believe me as to his bipolar (even with those darn big brown “bipolar stare” eyes of his which I call “dead eyes”). I did send a letter to the head of the police department (typed and quite a few pages) explaining my situation and asking him to get his officers trained…or at least trained to call in a CIS (Crisis Intervention Specialist) when someone requests it. Someone trained would have recognized my friend’s full blown mania immediately and also understood that those who are experiencing bipolar truly believe what they are saying.
I would NEVER blame my friend for all the Hell he’s put me through, although when he is relatively stable (as he was when he tried to talk with me at the gym two weeks ago), he still refused to take down the blogs. Some of it has to be just plain ego. I do blame him for that, but I have never become angry with him for accusing me of stalking (7x), threatening me with death (with song lyrics) 3x when he has become jealous, or even posting the three blogs that may end my career and my once good name. I have made a point to let him know I don’t blame him. He goes thru Hell with bipolar and he feels out of control much of the time (which is possibly another reason why he won’t remove the blogs; he MUST have control). I have seen his compassionate, good side and I hurt for the brilliant, talented man who was once a young child with bipolar, and who survived an alcoholic bipolar abusive father (I have good reason to suspect sexual abuse), a mother who was sent to prison for years as he was left alone to raise himself all through high school, a violent brother, and a sister who escaped to live with cousins and now lives across the country from her entire family. My heart breaks for him, which is a huge reason why I am still here. And he counts on that, I’m sure. He has always called me (to my face) the first Christian he knows who is not a hypocrite (which is biased since he’s a disgruntled Atheist and all us Christians aren’t perfect) and called me the most compassionate person he knows (if you met his few friends you’d understand why:). And that was before I took care of him this summer thru his major depression (and after I learned he had bipolar).
I am; however, one of my friend’s “triggers,” even when I don’t try to be. But when I’ve mentioned that he’s gone WILD. I can’t seem to ever say anything right, although he claims I’m the only person who has ever calmed him and made him want to be a part of the “real world.” Who knows, though…for I’ve read how manipulative bipolar sufferers can be. I’ve caught him lying a few times (like when he said he dumped his “Barbie Summer Prop,” but really hadn’t) and when we were together as friends at a conference back in early May before I knew he had bipolar; I later learned he had been dating a young girl. In fact, he had come to the conference with HER, but had told her he had to sit with his student (me). I had asked him at the time why a certain young female kept glaring at me and he said he didn’t know. He also disappeared quickly after the conference leaving her stranded and me not understanding why he disappeared without even saying goodbye. So I am well aware of the manipulation that comes with the untreated disease. He also used part of the $3000 I gave him to pay off a late winter financial judgment and to see a doctor for an ear infection for plane and hotel reservations for a concert this summer….where he took his last ‘prop.” His song lyrics gave it away. Right before he left for the concert he played a song about wishing he hadn’t taken money from a woman (which would be ME). Upon his return he posted more songs about feeling bad for what he had done. His problem is he finds songs to go with every feeling and he can’t help but post them (except for the occasional time when he’s using them to manipulate). I later put two and two together and I DID do some temporary screaming. Then I apologized to him for losing my cool, but I also told him I would NEVER help him out financially again (which I wouldn’t). Again, I apologize for talking so much. I am totally alone now and I’ve kept this all bottled up since I posted the morning of my near arrest! This website is truly a Godsend. And venting is a Godsend:) It is nice to not be called CRAZY. I know what’s been occurring to him and to me, but unless someone knows the disease they would never believe me.
Strong and proud you are FLNonny, its just you have emotional things to deal with….
You have a wonderful spirit of survival. Just by reading your TXT I can determine your stealth.
Remember these are just emotional waves each wave may appear to be a downer, remember you are not down for ever.
Even if one has Bipolar , while on medication some become very well, in coping.
Its not the end of the world, I do hear you when you say it is horrible, the condition is, the person is trapped.
Try not too blame the person, thay not responsible in somes cases for thier actions.
catch you all later, I got get out to throw a few hoops, or go to friends to play base ball, It is such a beautiful day today.
May even ride my peddle power bike to the inner city by that time some one may say hello…..
Stay cool
Dear Nonny,
you have said so many things that ring so many bells to me, firstly CODEPENDENT, well thats me too or it was me and that is really unnattractive to a man, being clingy and needy – please google AJ Marhari and Tami Green re borderline personality disorder, they have a lot of good info on codependency. Also the songs by Jonny cash, remember the song walk the line, the words ‘i walk the line because your mine’ ?? June carter married him after saying no a few times as he couldn’t behave himself. She managed to make him walk the line not by being codependent or needy or clingy, but by just letting him be. dont tolerate abuse and get back your self esteem, be confident – its very attractive to men, even badly behaved ones, they know what they are doing bipolar or not. they need someone they can trust who can sense danger, someone they can confide in as a lot of people just need someone they trust to talk to…… be it abuse from childhood or whatever. You say you are weak, you are not, BE STRONG, being strong is what will make you. i have been to the depths of despair too, lost weight, regained weight, abused alcohol,. gambled etc etc………. Please read up on codependency. And really take care, i remember a while back you said to me that i wasnt taking care of myself, I am now, am getting a million times better, my self esteem is rising and am really working hard at it. YOU CAN BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!! believe it and you will see it. M xx
Michelle FLNonny annoyd red cathy Panda all on this site.
Thank you for your comments
I am starting believe that bipolar may be a viral infection that has occurred in the patients’ immune system that triggers various receptor cells within the brains’ immune.
I am like all who are on this site; I can be frustrated and angry, due to my partner’s condition.
I am motivated to study the condition from a medical and law stand point of view.
From a medical point of view we will see a breakthrough in medical treatments for patients.
But what about the carers who provide the support to those who have Bipolar.
As I read the various comments on this page I feel for all of you and I feel a part of this association of the damage and carnage that Bipolar has caused in the lives of those who have lived considerable normal lives prior to entering into this partnership.
I wouldn’t leave my partner I have gratitude for this experience she has given me. I now see things from different point of view.
I don’t understand Bipolar, I understand what she goes through I see the affects I know that she has gone away for a moment, and I await her return….This the best way I can describe this situation.
Try not to treat them as crazy people; they are not that are chemically effected people who need to be loved.
I have been reading these posts with relief. I have been dating my bipolar partner for 8 months. I knew he was diagnosed with bipolar and witnessed his need for a large amount of sleep and timeleness and cleanliness.
Now i have read these posts i have a clearer understanding why he chose to opt out of together time or cut it short sometimes when continuously complaining we didnt spend enough time together.
Having not long been separatd from a 14 year marriage and left by my ex husband within 10 minutes, any kind of rejection, even in the smallest form feels extremely cut throat.
The reason I have left this post is that im a mum – single – with two children under 6. I have never met a man that has such softness and tenderness and lack of ego, just humble and its very attractive.
My partner hasnt worked for years due to the condition but now is showing signs that hed like to venture back into teh working world. He was brought up in the care system aswell and has no further dealings with his family so has detached from any poision in his life as he describes it.
The only time i have witnessed anti behaviour anti me is when he is in need of money. He has taken money from me on many occasions.. sometimes for weed sometimess for alcohol and he has no limitations.
He has now entered into a low space, black id say, isolated himself, not calling as much but asking that il be there for him. He has a trip to the psychiatrist soon. He isnt eating well just recognises the signs and is removign himself until the cloud lifts.
Iv now spoken to him and explained that he is dear to me,bordering love id say judging by the tears im shedding now as we speak. Iv explainedthat i will hold him because his love is hard to let go of. Iv explained that il b a listening ear because his voice is soft and tender and Ican feel his breath and lips softly against mine iv explained to him that through all of it the highs and lows no-one will ever touch me emotionally like him again.
He strives to be with me more and more but can be very changeable, I strive to stretch him because he makes me curious. My fear is now that im not strong enough to endure the ride ahead of us. People poo par the lelve of love you can have with a bipolar partner.. but boy i never had this even when i was married for 14 years. Will he be there for me in any capacity in time.. if we separate will his soul call out to me .. there is something beautiful about bipolar for all its ugliness.. it draws u in and warms ur heart. My pathway is uncertain now .. but I care deeply for him and if separating is what maintains an even keel so be it.. I have children and they have triple the love to give .. they care for my partner but care for me more. So what do i do now, im nearly 40 and will miss holding him so much. He is a care .. i have two children to care for already.. am i falling .. poss yes.. will i come back to him .. who knows.. will i forget him if i dont.. never. x i wont love like this again.
Jay2,
I second the avoiding emotional arguments. This is for two reasons I am sure most on here probably already know, one it just seems to set them off even more, and two, you will never win…ever.
Don’t even try. My therapist says to empathise, state facts, ie how you feel, for instance say, “I am sorry you feel that I blank, but I feel blah blah blah” and then leave if you have to. Don’t argue though. I am an extremely logical guy. I used to be a bond analyst to give you an idea. I play chess for fun. 
Logic has no place during these emotional outbursts. I went through a process myself. First responding to the anger with my own anger. Then I learned that anger is usually just a fear response. This was before I figured out my wife had something else going on. Once I learned that anger is a fear response I stopped responding to my wife’s anger with anger and remained calm, yet still continueing to debate the emotional issue. Now, I am in the process, still, of trying to not get wrapped up and dragged into the drama. Easier said than done, but it is a process.
From what I understand, they can’t think logically during these outbursts because their emotions are overruling. Even if they see your logic, they don’t want to accept it because it would mean their emotions are wrong. They can’t face that their emotions are wrong and will do anything to keep their reality real to them. Reading over what I just wrote seems crazy, but I can’t think of another way to put it.
My wife I believe is borderline, so I am not sure how useful this information is for those of you dealing with bipolar, but there is a link between bipolar and borderline. Good luck to everyone who is dealing with these disorders.
I don’t even know where to start but only thank God for finding this blog. I’ve been feeling so lost like so many partners that have written on this post. From the very beginning my partner told me that he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Said 7 psychologist had not been able to help. I’m a christian believer and thought there is nothing impossible for God. I had not seen any signs that could deter me from continuing the relationship. This man is my soul mate. From the very first day we met the connection was so intense. That even after not seeing eachother for 1 year, went became inseperable. Shortly after moving in with me, he started turning into a Jekel and Hyde. Putting me down, when running a bit late from work, accussing me of having someone else. All this abuse was new to me since I have never allowed anyone to talk to me in that manner, but the affection and “good” side to this person kept me drawing in like a bug going towards a light. He doesn’t take any medication. I started trying to educate myself and gave up when I started seeing he was back to his “normal self”. Unfortunately, all hell broke loose when he starts to text me message after message about my irresponsible teenager. By the time I got home, he was cursing my child (17 yr) outside of the home. I have raised my children by myself and have never been exposed to any violence or this type of verbal abuse. Needless to say, he returned to his apartment. It’s been a month now, my children think I have lost all authority and respect for myself for continuing to remain in this relationship. After reading all the blogs here, I know I’m not the only one. I want to help him but I find myself feeling like I’m the one with a disorder now for allowing all of this in my life. I don’t know whether asking him to go get medication will push him further away or when is the best time to seek help. Please give me your input as my friends, family and even church family think I’m the one with the problem for wanting to be in this relationship.
I’ve been coming to this site for a few months now. I found it during a low, low time for my bipolar partner when his depression was starting to actually scare me. It confused me. A few really great things happened in our lives and his emotional response was rabid, intense and totally disproportionate.
He stopped taking his medication about two and a half years ago and has pretty predictable mood swings that include sadness, irritatibility, rapid talking, disconnected thoughts/ideas and lots of energy. Other times he is calm, collected, charming, comedic and so on. Sugar and spice, etc. He isn’t nasty or angry. He doesn’t become very mean or abusive. It’s internal and personal, usually not projected.
I’m realizing that his depression is starting to depress ME. At times I feel powerless and sad, his mood creates a void. I get annoyed, irritated, short-tempered. However, our relationship is healthy. I’ve read a lot of these comments and I feel for you all. I see the warnings and cautions of ‘run for your life’/'leave while you can.’ I go back and forth with how I feel. Sometimes I think I might have a different idea of madness or “mental illness.’ And a much different experience of it, perhaps. I’ve met all kinds of people with all kinds of temperaments and emotional habits/personalities. Sometimes I feel like this is totally normal. Other times it seems like a dream, like I’m participating in a simulation of textbook mental disturbance and how it affects a unit, a household. It’s a rollercoaster.
I am interested to see how this turns out. I’m wondering if I will spend a life with a kind of kooky man or if he’ll rage into a monster I no longer recognize.
I
have been severly affected by an amorous relationship I had with a young bi-polar of 22 (half my age!). Sometimes I blamed the internet for it….but like the legendary and incomparable Jimmy Buffett sings in ‘Margaritaville’:
“Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame And I know it’s my own damn fault”.
Well, she did contact me through the internet after reading one of my music related articles, her first email consisted of an bio-introduction stating “You sound like someone I’ve searching for all my life” – which sounded odd since I hadn’t said much about myself in the first place, she talked about “re-entering the plastic world”, “Please, be gentle with me, if you approach me”, about hating the area of the city where she lived…she lived in the western suburbs of Sydney and hated the ‘low class of riff-raff’, if She were an American Girl she’d be the dark bohemian-gothic vampy girl from Hackensack, New Jersey who yearns and dreams about living on the Lower East Side, Soho or Greenwich Village, but due to her ‘mental condition’ she was on a permanent government medical welfare benefit, which by the way did not sit right with her and felt ashamed of being the recipient of welfare. She lived with her family, she claimed her mother hated her and she was desperate to make friends…”If You hadn’t replied” – she said , : I would have died of loneliness”.. .she seemed to me like a ‘little bird who had fallen from her nest after a powerful storm’….and your ‘Quixotic’ narrator here decided there and then that he was on a mission to save her…. she was brilliantly academically, with a stratospheric IQ . She told me to ‘accept her with her changing moods she also said she would be at an annual “Gothic lifestyle” event if I wished to join her and also provided a mobile number if I wished to contact her….I replied with kindness to her email and promised to write to her from time to time. A few weeks later i rang her, she told me she was living in an area not far from me and that she was living with her ‘arty’ boyfriend and was working in graphic design. She would send the odd email here and there, but for the moment she remained someone ‘interesting and intriguing’ who I would only meet through the screen of my computer. Until….I received a text message, inviting me to join her at a Bar in the center of Sydney Town (Australia) one Saturday, I politely declined her invitation because I was working that night but I said I would meet her after midnight if she agreed. Little did I know that this would be the start of what I have titled this unnerving and lamentable chapter in my life:
“The Quiet and subtle Cyclone”. Sara, was one of the most beautiful women, I have ever met, she had those gorgeous big green-blue eyes had seen some beautiful faces in my life but Sara’s face was like nothing my eyes had gazed upon before….my mind raced trying to find a meaning to all this, was I suddenly falling in love? at my age?…again? why? why now, why her? Inexplicably my brain started playing a musical soundtrack – snippet’s of ‘Claire de Lune’, then ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ by the Blue Oyster Cult a, The Door’s ‘You’re lost little Girl’ (“Yor’re lost, Little Girl, Tell me WHO are YOU??” Jim Morrison’s voice sounded as he were sitting next to me We talked until dawn, her life read like whirlpool of trouble, chaos, disorder, people coming into her life and suddenly exiting, suicide attempts, admissions to hospitals, hating her mother, hating life, hating the ‘plastic world’, hating the ‘system’, hating being ‘placed in a cultural-group catergory’ , paranoia, her long list of medication and the long road to finding one that worked….Lithium was what she now was on and seemed to do the trick and a whole catalogue of broken dreams and aspirations. She believed in an entity named ‘Nicholas’ – Nicholas had been a human once, a few years older than her, he had saved from some school ‘bullies’ who were taunting her, after the incident she ‘entered’ a type of ‘suburban’ cult which was captained by ‘Nicholas’, the philosophy behind the cult seemed quite benign yet nebulous but then there was a ‘power struggle’ with another male member in the cult and the whole group collapsed, Nicholas suddenly vanished. Soon after she learnt that Nicholas had committed suicide in another city. She was 13 years old at the time of the tragedy and had a terrible effect on her life. She carried a drawing she had made of ‘Nicholas’, it was of a young man, he looked sad in her had a goatee (beard)….so did I!! Nicholas was a powerful presence for Sara, everytime she made a life altering decision, Nicholas had to be consulted, she would talk to him in what she called ‘a day of contemplation’. She told me her close friends were few, she was sick and tired of having infantile conversations,and also told me how grateful she was to have me a ‘friend’ in me, a more mature and more understanding individual which would bring ‘joy’ and ‘enlightenment’ to her existence.
The mysterious Sara had now come into my life, she appeared so honest,yet there was an air of ‘Pathological’ frankness about her, she was so hurt by all her terrible circumstances that she moved me like few individuals have in my entire life. My meetings with Sara became more frequent, she would take any opportunity that was available so she spend some time with “Her Angel” or “Pretty Creature” as she called me, was this a sign of her condition? was it an nickname of affection? did she really think I was ‘Angel’ (the white ones with wings and halos??). “You never chose your first name, Your parents gave it to you, that’s why I don’t like to use first names” – she would reply. It did not matter where we met., as long as it was “quality time” well spent for her. Since we were both involved with the ‘arts’ – our outings revolved around ‘cultural’ pursuits One night as I was reading some of her writings, prose and poetry, I felt so inspired by her that I gave her an innocent kiss and I embraced her, then another and another until I couldn’t stop, we both couldn’t stop…she seemed starved for affection, as if she had been waiting all her life for that first kiss. ‘Don’t fall in love with me, Sara’ ‘I won’t’ she assured me But we both knew we had succumbed to that most maddenning and turbulent of human emotions : Love We tried to explain and justify our ‘friendship’ as something that was meant to be, we were ‘soul-mates’, regardless of what would come between us, our love was boundless, we were both free to come and go. I assured her, that if she found someone else I would understand. She led me to believe that she would always be ‘romantically’ available for me., by accepting her ‘Bohemian’ lifestyle, I would be not ‘imposing’ restrictions on her freedom, and would always return to me. The ‘Tornado’ was a mere breeze at present, but during the course of the next 4 months it would gain so much strength that it she were a ‘meteorological’ phenomenon she would rank a big 5 on the Fujita scale.
Comments
The avalanche of emails started about 3 days after our first ‘face to face’ meeting., in these emails, she stated that “she felt that for the first time someone had paid attention to her”, and took the time to hear about her very confused and dramatic life’s predicament. “I hope you don’t mind saying it: But I feel I’ve known you before and I am deeply in love with you, I haven’t felt like this before, ever” …….my reaction was “WHOA!!! “,……….was this girl serious.??…mind you, she was only 21 yrs old, a very turbulent time, where one still grapling with emotions, expectations and tribulations of becoming an ‘Adult’. The tone of her obsession grew day by day, she knew that I was already in a relationship of many years…which had grown more sedate and distant recently. Maybe she felt the emptiness somewhere in me and took the chance. “I don’t mind sharing”…., she would say, “but I want you to realize that I am sacrificing myself for you, Angel”….. “I certainly do not want to destroy your life”…. “I want you to understand my needs….” she spoke often of ‘Bohemian Ways’ and of living her life without restrictions: “freedom is very important to me”. Sara also entertained delusions of ‘grandiosity’, previous lives, and psychic powers, delusions of being something greater than she really was. I became the ‘Pretty Angel’, her ‘saviour’- put on a pedestal which could tumble at any moment, since when somebody ‘worships’ you there is no margin for error…once you fall you are GONE. This obtuse adulation on her part did not sit at all comfortably at first, but then I became used to it. Soon After the express delivered ‘cellphone’ text messages: “Love U Angel” XXXXXXXXforEVER, “I’m so in Love with you”…..at first I thought it was cute and innocent but then I realized that this girl was deeply and obsessively , madly in love with me….and believe me this feeling is like a drug…you live for it but then it kills you!.
Then she dissapeared, made excuses to get out of my way and her “angel’ was demoted to just a mere mortal, who had feet of clay
I hit the ground like a lump of lead and ended up in counselling., the whole things was a gruesome, fiendish and emotionally exhaustive experience.
I year on an the scars are still healing.
Can anyone relate to all this?
Regards
BDE71.Panda,Harlan,SSiren88,Soul,FLNonny,red, cathy. and evryone who reads this….
We are all amazing people I love you all, just reading your messages I so grateful I am not alone, we are not alone in this journey.
We are all coping whether we are in the relationship or out of it.
I am sure we have to cope with something that we have not dealt with in our lives.
I am a professional person I see these things every day, its so demanding and yet so rewarding to show gratitude and compassion.
I have never written on these sites before.
I will go through your messages,
Warm regards
Jay2
Reply Soul’
I smiled inside of me when I read your story soul , becasue it is the same as mine….
Hope you dont take offence because it means Im on the same page…
takcare
Jay2
Soul, don’t put up with violence get out of there if you can.
You can get counseling to break a relationship.
You can even tell your parner you need to take a holiday with family, its a good idea to take that break.
I know its hard to break, dont let your self be abused.
I do appologies as a man some men treat women with disrespect.
The more we love ourselves the more we love our partners
and that goes to same sex as well.
Thanks Jay2
Yesterday I looked for a therapist and hope to meet with him soon. As I’ve been reading various post here, have been trying to see what I can use to reach out to him. Finally two days ago I called him and matter of factly told him to make me dinner. Went over to his place and just held him. I don’t know who needed the hug more, him or me. We spent some time together and went home. Last night spent most of the evening with him and was able to talk about how I was feeling. I took the approach of writing a journal down explaining how I was feeling, how I too felt like my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. He was open to listen and in detail explained how the anxiety creeps in and how pushing people away is the best approach of dealing with things. As I was writing, I felt like I was the one with bipolar. But I think I was also describing him in me. He was calm, loving, and speaking clearly. He tells me that he loves me but coming into a relationship where my kids are dictating my actions has dissapointing him. I’m caught in the middle because my kids (20, 17 & 10 yr) think I have broken things off with him and so does my friends. I feel like I’m living a double life to try and make sense of all this. This is the first time that I spent so much energy in a relationship and the only relationship I feel worth fighting for. My goal is to see a therapist and see if I can bring him in so he can get the medications he needs and hopefully we can stabilize this situation. I continue to pray and hope God grant me the wisdom and strength to know when to walk away.
BDE71,
You sound like a wonderful person. Welcome to the journey, it maybe a bumpy ride. Let me share this with you, this may work just try it and then get back to me. Whenever my partner gets in a low moment, I journey them through the pain.
How do you do that?
1 Get my partner to relax
2 Ask her what she feels at the moment.
3 Ask her to feel her emotions
4 Ask her to wash that feeling over her entire body
5 Then I ask her who she sees in their mind picture
6 They will tell you the person they can see.
7 Tell them to speak with them and look the person in the eyes and tell them how they feel
8 finally take the person who they see to a fire side and leave them there
Tell them to leave, to the fire side and sit by the fireside. This is called journeying.
This may not work for everyone
In our case my partners Mother took her own life when she was six years of age Her mother was holding her in her arms while drank poison , then when she was 14 years of age her father who was a violent man was found in the back shed, he took his own life as well. My partner could write a horror story on her life, I love her she is special.
For evey action there is source find source
Love Jay2
Just ro remind you I am on the other side of the globe there is a date and time difference…..
thankyou
Jay2
Reply Panda
Thanks bro you are right….. My guitar was in pieces before a concert…..I can’t even practice’ in front of her. She was listening to the radio a month ago there was my song being played;
I ran to the radio and turned it off in fearing her criticism or her anger.
I have told her to come to a concert to make her a part of the process and then she comes around. So there are ways of dealing with the situation.
Thank you Panda
Soul, and others on this site
So much is talk about the person with Bipolar, but about carnage that is left from the challenging relationship.
I am aware that I have developed a formula that I know that works for me and I keep reverting back to the structured process of detachment from the emotional event.
The carnage I am speaking of is pure emotions.
We are more in a caring role than that of a relationship.
We need to develop a strong support base for our own sanity, for example friends to speak with and a normal social group of people.
If we suffer in silence, these emotions just builds up and up because of the pressure from suppressed emotions.
Before you known it we need may need assistance.
I believe that bipolar will be treated in the near future, from the research that been developing I believe be major break though.
The only reason why little is done, is because of the stigma that attached to the condition.
Bipolar can be easy explained to be a conditional response that occurred to sufferer in early childhood and even Vietnam veteran like my step Father had suffered from his tour of duty.
I was very young to understand but as I grew up I soon realized his post traumas that his suffers even now are real.
Moral: Detach
Detachment mean freedom enjoy
Jay2
Jay2,
Detaching is something that I think even the best of us grapple with. But you are right. Also, detaching doesn’t mean not loving the other person or not being with them even. It can mean detaching from the drama that they create and not taking responsibility for it. My therapist posed a question to me during one of the sessions. She said I have to make the decision to want to be in this or not. If I do, then I have to realize it is going to be a long hard journey. Clearly I wanted to, but she was preparing me for the idea that things will get worse before they get better, as with any behavioral modification. My wife has the emotional stability of a child. For those with kids, think about when you discipline a child or they don’t get their way, they will sometimes throw a fit and roll around on the ground, etc…
They do this to test the boundaries and to get their way. Once they realize…hopefully…that you WON’T give in, it stops. Same is true with people who can’t regulate their emotions. When you sense something isn’t quite right and you feel that they might be raging, walk away (detach). Jay2 and Red and others on here are absolutely right, put yourself first. It places you in a much better position of being able to distinguish what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.
Jay2,
I also think bipolar and borderline are conditioned responses. A lot of scientists beleive that the brain has actually been affected biologically not just emotionally by childhood experiences. I also beleive that some people are more genetically prone to having the disorder if given the same stimulus. For instance, my father used a belt on me almost every night. I came out with anxiety disorder. My wife had a father who was verbally abusive and expected perfection from her. She came out with borderline. Not everyone is affected the same way. Some people with the disorder show no signs of childhood abuse whatsoever. It is a hard nut to crack.
Panda, and all who reads this.
Hi there Panda, hope you are well, I have had to deal with the same.
I had Post Trauma Stress for many years; it was a moment that I met my girl friend of 11 years that I had anything wrong happening in my life.
I have had to deal with a Mother that dumped on my Grandparents; I still live with that pain of acceptance.
My Grandparents then dumped me at an institution where I was abused. I can’t understand why we all experience such hardships, but we all do.
I know I sustained collateral damage, the only way I do know by my own recognition of the events in my life and my partner who suffered severe Bipolar, have you noticed the word “suffered” it’s in the past tense, well for now anyway, that can change.
She has come a long way in the recovery process. She is still on her medication…Meditation plays a big part in our lives and music, although she hates music, mostly my music, I can understand that.
I found something that protects me from her verbal violence toward me, and that is my inner spirit.
I understand that we all are prone to wave emotions, the ups and downs these ups and downs are like a tide of the oceans they come and they go. The Bipolar person has serve ups and downs, I have been gifted with just the regular emotional condition, and I surf through it the best that I know.
Myself love, self love is a key that opened up my inner potential beyond my wildest dreams.
I have to remind myself of the pure potential that exist within me, everyone has the abilities to become or live t to our full potential, we have to recognize that spirit that lies within us. My partner has given me the ability to understand not only her but myself, and that I am grateful for her gracing my presence.
I don’t think I have recovered fully I am just learning to deal with it.
You take care Panda, and you who has just read this, please post your comments
Warm regards
Jay2
Hello Jay 2
Just wanted to let you know that since I last posted, I have started to take care of myself more. I have found that this takes the focus of me worrying so much about him and how this is all going to work out. I started going back to the gym, eating healthier, getting back in touch with my friends, spending more time with my kids. I realized that you can become so engulfed by the needs of others that you neglect yourself and one day wake up to try to find out where did you go. This site has really been an eye opener for me. I have read the tragic circumstances that people have endured and in turn suffer from this condicition. My boyfriend has opened up to me about his past, which is so devastating but I too have had my share of situations and reaching out to God has helped me have some type of stability for myself and my kids sake. To this day he hasn’t confirmed that he is taking any medication. I have seen him change again, eating right, being at peace. Although, I see this change, I wonder when is the other person going to creep up again. I don’t trust him at all as I have found text messages, pictures and graphic images on his cell phone. I have confronted him about the messages and he always has an excuse or a way around things. I can sense he is either seeing someone else or always keep a person that he can be physical with without strings attached. I really don’t know where alll this is going. But I know that I need to take care of me, in order for me to be to anyone else. Even typing this I’m amazed at how someone who have always said that no one can take me for a fool, is literally involved with someone who you don’t really know who they really are.
Jay2,
It sounds like you have had more than your fair share of pain.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Inner spirit, self love, self confidence, basically self acceptance, is instrumental as a defense against the onslaught that might be levied against you. You have to beleive (know) you deserve to be treated with respect. The only person you need to love is yourself. Once you love yourself, it is harder for people to hurt you, because their opinions of you aren’t as important as YOUR own opinion of you. That isn’t to say that you are above criticism and that criticism directed at you can’t be right. It does mean that you have the ability to accept or deny the words they use towards you. In most cases I have found myself denying harsh words where I used to accept them. It turns out I am not as bad as I thought.
Though I was led to beleive so.
I have come to beleive that in order to make a positive change in the person with the disorder, the other person has to think more positively about themselves. This forces the other to either accept this new reality or deny it, but either way, you will have a better opinion of yourself.
No offense guys but if a person really has self love and self respect they won’t stay and be treated badly by anyone for any reason and not continue to make excuses. And work around the person and keep accommodating them. BP is not a free pass to treat someone badly. Someone with self love and self respect will love themselve enough to extricate themselves and walk away.
While I do hear and respect what you’re saying, I disagree. I have been in a 2 year relationship with a man suffering with Bipolar Disorder. “It has been the best of times. It has been the worst of times.” Honestyly, all of the experiences encountered in this relationship has only made me stronger, wiser and better. My self esteem is not low because I choose to stay. Honestly, it is only now that I am realizing my own strength. It takes a strong person, and one who has come to accept themselves and their circumstance to be able to put up with a lot of what we as partners put up with. And most importantly it takes knowledge of the illness and LOVE. If you truly understand the illness, it is harder to take things personally. After reading all of these posts and seeing how the beahvior is always the same, how can you take things personally?! At the end of the day “sticks and stones may break my bones…” My partner needs a friend and that’s why I am here. I am a believer and I feel that I am here for a reason. God has made me strong enough to endure and so I will. My guy is worth it. It does get hard, and I always have the choice to leave. I just dont choose to do that now. As long as my safety is not compromised, I am willing to stay! Besides there are mas many good days… and when they’re good, they’re great!! He is the most brilliant man I know, with the credentials to back it up! Good luck to you!!!
Listen, if a person really has self love and self respect they won’t stay and be treated badly by anyone for any reason and not continue to make excuses. And work around the person and keep accommodating them. BP is not a free pass to treat someone badly. Someone with self love and self respect will love themselve enough to extricate themselves and walk away.
Sorry I didn’t mean to repeat myself, technical difficulties. I know some people won’t want to hear what I have to say, but I have to say it. Someone with good self esteem and self respect will not stand for continued emotional abuse.
Playing devils advocate, wouldn’t someone with good self esteem and self respect not let others words affect how they view themselves, thus not having to leave. Just a thought.
So then the person has good self esteem but stays and puts up with abuse? That makes no sense.
To me, let’s keep it real, those are all excuses not to leave and to stay. Blaming their bad behavior and abuse on BP. Why is everyone so afraid to walk away, I don’t understand.
keepinitreal and all on this site,
I not say that, I believe that I have a formula to this situation, where my partner is concerned.
She has been diagnosed with Bipolar, she was extreme but though intervention became more controlled.
My partner is employed by a National Television Network News Service and the fashion industry; I work in a legal area and media service.
Prior to this she was unemployable living in a suitcase classified mentally insane. I know there were more to this talented person.
I am aware that partners who have to deal with their love ones who have this condition can be very stressful.
If I walked out on her I would not have leaned what I have now, I am grateful to the hardships.
Self esteem is not a part of it, its determination and a will to keep going.
I do understand some people find it hard to cope with this situation and that ok.
There some who will run because of fear, it take a very strong person to have the staying power.
In my legal job I write these people off or send them to prison that if they do some thing wrong….
I know my partner goes off, once one understands the situation you are on the road to success.
I speak to at least 800-1000 people per Month on life style changes, my radio show reaches out to more people.
I don’t believe I have all the answers; I have just some of them.
Also, my Mom always said to me it’s better to be alone than to be abused. Do people stay because they’re afraid to be alone? If so, being away from the abusive BPer is not worse than being alone. Being alone is far better and leaves you free to find a non BP person. I am so tired of reading all these excuses for staying. There is no excuse for tolerating or giving abuse.
You make some good points, Jay 2. If the BPer is really trying and is not running away from the relationship, and not abusive, then of course you should stay. If they are trying hard with meds and therapy and acknowledging their problem that’s one thing. Most of the BP partners on this site seem to not be dealing with their BP and are just abusive to the non BPers who take endless amounts of abuse, and that’s what I think is wrong.
keepinitreal,
Sometimes I am not the best person to be in a relationship like this, I never planned, I am very irrational at times and my tolerance level low.
Just yesterday my partner came in like a storm trooper or a rapid response unit. My response was “if you’re going to dump on me now, I need to remove myself from harm’s way and that might mean I have to go for a drive.”
“I understand that you’ve had a very busy day, one that you find you could not manage and that’s ok, we will talk about it and not shout about it.”
“I am eating and I want to concentrate on one thing at a time.”
By talking to the person in a calm and direct way and slow your speech down you may get a very good response.
While some gets out of control, you be the rudder of the ship and gently and I mean gently bring it back on course. Ensure that it is for the common good of the person who is going off.
I do have women friends that I work with. One time she found a note in my pocket, I thought Katrina came to my house that day. The note was from a business associate and deal that was to be entered.
I explained to my partner that I detect that there is a 14 year old girl that come out in your behavior, was there any moment or experience that you had at 14 years of age that would bring this child out in you?
My partners reply: “My Father took his life”
I ask my partner to go to source. 1 Feel the pain of the experience, bath in the pain or shame, now tell me who come to your mind.
Partner reply: I see my Mother; now speak with your Mother about the hurt that she put up on you.
ME : Ask why have you done this to you? And wait for her reply. Then talk her to the fire side and leave her there, and then go back into the bath and tell me what do you feel , 99% percent its clear she has just completed one small journey in the healing process.
There will be a lot more as the human mind is a complex storage device of human emotions.
It’s deep in the memory.
How cool it that, remember if it doesn’t work try something else.
Just because it works for me it doesn’t mean it will work for other people.
Great to engage with you keepinitreal, you take care keep the messages alive.
And to all others on line thank you…
Jay2
keepinitreal
Also, my Mom always said to me it’s better to be alone than to be abused. Do people stay because they’re afraid to be alone? If so, being away from the abusive BPer is not worse than being alone. Being alone is far better and leaves you free to find a non BP person. I am so tired of reading all these excuses for staying. There is no excuse for tolerating or giving abuse.
Depending on the situation whether mild or extreme and what you know about the condition.
You can certainly run from the situation, the only thing you have learned is how to run.
I am in this relationship because I have so much to learn about this human conditional response.
It would be boring with a person almost doll like.
The payoff is that I am pushed to the limit of my emotions it like extreme sport; you get high from solving the problem.
There is a human fear element there is good on all side whether you stay or run….
I must say also, it is very comforting (sorry to sound selfish)
, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
I am the girlfriend of 2.5 years of a man who suffers with bipolar disorder and PTSD. It has been such a challenge. Let me say though, that he is compliant with medication (everyday), he works fulltime (everyday) and he is educated. He does very well in that respect and I am proud of him where that is concerned.
He is a rapid cycler. That means that he is constantly swtiching from hypomania and depression a few times a day. Weird, I know. When he is low, he looks for ways to cope, which is a temporary fix, so that he doesn’t fall too low. As he does not drink alcohol or do drugs, his coping consists of sex. I would call him a sex addict. This is where the PTSD (past trauma) comes into play also.
This has been the hardest thing for our relationship. On one hand I get so upset because I feel I give so much to him, but he continues to cheat on me. But then on the other hand, I know that these encounters are meaningless and I see how remorsful he feels and how helpless he feels when he does this. Most times he lies about these occurrences, but there have been times as of lately when he has come out and told me the truth. He’ll say “I don’t want to do this.” “I only want you.” “I’m tired.” “I dont deserve you.” “Why do you stay with me, I’m so f’d up.” In those moments I know that he does have a conscious. He means well and he wants to be normal. He doesnt want to be this way, but it’s hard for him. Recently, I have been researching sexual addiction, and as it pertains to mental illness. All of the testimonials are the same. These people are ashamed, even in the moment. This reserach is helping me to understand him a little better. I don’t want to make him feel guilty about something he can’t really control. At the same time, it still hurts me as his partner. My selfish side does come out and I don’t want to share him. Selfish, I know. Or maybe I should say, human!
He’s now in biweekly therapy. I love him so much and I just feel like I have to hang in there to see what will happen. How do you say you love someone and just up and leave when it gets rough, especially when you came into teh relationship knowing that he/she was ill? With the exception of teh abuse.
Still, I am very tired. I am tired of accepting so much and being patient all of the time. It is so frustrating. I feel trapped. I am confused. I am tired.
Let me ask you, would you ever cheat on your boyfriend? No. Why is it acceptable for him? BP people can still control their actions. Tired of the excuses. Love doesn’t mean putting up with things you would never put up with normally. I give up trying to get you to understand.
No, “Keepinitreal”, I would never cheat on my boyfriend, but I don’t have a chemical imbalance in my brain either, nor have I ever been sexually abused. He and I are two different people. He has major unresolved issues that have stemed from childhood, on top of being bipolar. I don’t believe that he does things to hurt me intentionally. I see his remorse when he cries how F’d up he is and how he sometimes wish he had the courage to kill himself so that he wont cause anyone any pain by his irrational behaviors. He doesnt want to hurt, but his brain is sick. I dont think that you can make anyone understand, because I dont think you understand yourself unfortunately. Doctors and therapists barely understand. I’m choosing to be his friend and hopefully I can get to a place where even if I have to make the choice to leave the relationship I can remain his friend. He sure needs one. Everyone does…. even Bipolar people.
Hi all, i have to say i agree with keepingit real – yes people with BP have chemical imbalances as do people with NPD, but i really think its also to do with us, where our boundaries lie, how we let people cross them easily by taking the abuse, our self esteem must be a little low to say the least. we need to reset our boundaries and not tolerate abuse of any kind, they know what they are doing, they push it as far as they can!! unresolved issues IS the major key here, i dont think they have ever really trusted anyone enough to let it all out!!! it would leave them vulnerable, i know that because i am the same, ISSUES!!!! get it all out!!! thats the only thing to free anyone at all. or it’ll turn you black inside. M xxxx
Michelle
You are right and explained it in a much better and kinder way than i did so that people can hear it. Thanks!
Michelle keepinitreal, and all
Well said you both have a point, esteem is so important for the development process.
I have just off shift love you comments, it so true. Good night
HOPEFUL :-/ Darling you not alone on this journey we all understand even if keepinitreal may be direct with what he says. He has an interesting point and Michelle has contributed well to.
What we have to understand is the up and downs as they are here to stay, and surfing through the waves.
Warm regards
Jay2
Well just wanted to say hello to everyone! Its been awhile for me visiting this site so i wanted to stop in. Well as far as my adventures in life and how I feel as a person now.. I feel whole again. The advice I recieved on this site from JOSIE and RICHARD helped save my life. I was in a very very dark place after my break up with my bi-polar fiance and you guys helped me realize what I couldnt. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!! I want to say this though.. To all the people that are having irrational problems with their bi-polar spouses I want to say this. It is not your fault! Their is no rationalizing the irrational. I am a very intelligent individual and I tried sooo hard to figure it all out. It isnt possible to rationalize it. If you are in pain, trust you are not alone. Dont ever doubt yourself or the decisions you have made. This path leads to nowhere. I know Ive walked it. Time heals all wounds yes this is true, but sometimes hard to envision. I know I didnt believe it. I should have because when I did decide enough was enough and I need to do me again. I met the most wonderful person I have the pleasure of calling my girlfriend. A relationship is a two way street. Always remember this. One should always be able to recieve as they are to give. Are you revieving as much in this relationship as you are giving? You should be. Life is short so live it to the fullest. 10 years from now you will wish you did. Their is more to life than misery, guilt and arguments. Never make decisions with emotions, but rather wisdom. I wish you all the best!
-//Adam aka (no longer) Saddened
Nice one adam!! your’e right never ever doubt yourself or your own reality. glad you’re no longer saddened. M xx
great engagement people,
Great engagement people, this site have given me hope, am so grateful to every comment that I have read.
My self-esteem and self worth has lifted plus it gives me expression to say what I want to, it’s freeing.
We are all at various stages of consciousness on understanding the predicament we have chosen to be in, and I use the word choice, we all do have choice, a choice to be in a relationship that has varying degrees of challenge.
Emotional processes bind the relationship, without that mortar the foundations will crumble.
Sometimes emotions have very little to do with logic, emotions can be base on a degree of fear; these fears can be described as past events in our lives, mostly illusions of possible outcomes.
Remember there are healthy fears and unhealthy fears, example crossing a motor way at peak hour by foot is an illogical process and dangerous one, the probability of mortality is high.
Healthy fear would have foreseen the probability of you contact with an oncoming vehicle.
Experiences of our own past events can provide us a gauge for that judgment or news events.
As we sit and watch the news every night at 6.00 PM consider the importance of the news on each and every one of us, negative as it might be it has very valuable information as to the dangers that we face on this life’s journey. 20,000 years ago nothing would have changed; the crier would sit around the fire side to tell the stories of the happenings.
We are wiser as to evolutionary knowledge now, back it those times a rich diet in anti oxidants, potassium, magnesium through green leafy foliage would have been suffice to provide a chemical balance.
Remember we had very little choice in those times. Now we have an array of choices fast food is being pumped out faster than a motor way.
The more negative fear base we are the more we eat, the more we eat we feel comfort and that just a temporary fix.
If you have Bipolar consider your diet this a fix it all solution it may have some effect to your health.
I know that I have depression at times but since I have change my dietary process I am surprised at my results.
Take care
the Sun on this side of the world will rise soon and I welcome a new day of new experiences, good morning and good evening from Jay2 in Australia
correction
If you have Bipolar consider your diet this is not a fix it all solution it may have some effect to your health.
7 weeks ago I found out my wife had cheated on me, with her ex boyfriend as well as someone she does work with interstate. She denied everything, saying it was nothing the whole time. Then she admitted to having sex with the ex but thats all. The threat of divorce made her say that she wont accept it and wants to fight for me and do whatever it takes to save our marriage. But she hasnt really done anything. She wrote me a long “truthful” letter that explained finally that she did meet and have sex with them both over the last one and a half years, with the most recent being 2 weeks before i found out and confronted her.
Are bipolars really good actors?? Especially to doctors and psychiatrists? She attempted suicide nearly 2 weeks ago, using the sleeping pills i was prescribed due to not sleeping or eating for the previous 3 weeks. We have 2 young children also. All of her mood swings came after the birth of our daughter 4 years ago, and escalated 2 years ago when she was diagnosed with post natal depression. What also came out that she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was 15, and that she had abandonment issues with her mother not being able to look after her when she was 11 years old after her parents divorced. Her mother had depression, and tried to commit suicide after her divorce, and her grandmother had depression too.
All this came about because life was too hard with a home that needed renovations, her business not doing as well as it could be, not enough money in the family to go on holidays, and me being to blame for not doing enough.
last Nov it came to a head, and she said we were close to breaking up, she was drowning in everything and getting no help from me. We decided to put everything back into our marriage to make it what it was. Little did i know that she was having an affair with her ex, and sleeping with him at the time. This wasnt a one nighter, with the letters i found expressing deep love that she has never felt before and all these unresolved issues that she still had for him. After 9 years of being with me and 6 of marriage. Affair continued till June of this year, but she says it was only talking/emailing etc. The next guy started in August this year, and she said that she wanted the fantasy life like she dreamed of when she was a girl, and was ready to leave the marriage, already looking for apartments for her and the kids. I tried so hard to make things work since we decided to save our marriage, but she didnt see anything, EVER. When she was happy, it was all good. When she was sad it was door slamming, name calling, walking out in anger, shouting….. the list goes on.
I spoke to a friend and told him about her behaviour and he said ” thats what i used to do, and I have bipolar. Check into it as theres a chance she may have it.
I went to all the sites to do the tests, and the results were 24 out of 25 FOR BP. I organised a doctors appointment, which she refused, and went off the handle at me for suggesting, saying she was just sad and unhappy with our life. She eventually went, and I think acted when she spoke to him and told him her “half truths”, as she has to everybody about her last 18 month actions.
She has lied to me and everybody who she has spoken with, telling them that I was the one to blame for our relationship issues and her going off with other men. She says she doesnt have BP, but every action of hers screams it to me. She is a very intelligent woman, in sales, so she knows what she needs to do to win people over. After the suicide attempt, the psych hospital let her our 3 days later saying that she wasnt a risk. She went to her psychiatrist and she told me that he said she isnt depresed and everythings ok, and he understands why she tried what she did. None of her family and friends can believe it, thinking that she is in denial like i do. She wont listen to me. I’ve lived with her before and after she changed and see it all, but the doctors see her for an hour or two and say shes not. Im confused.
Is it just me or does she exhibit symptoms of BP???
Hi David, again, its all about boundaries, i think they test us to the limit, to see if we can sense danger, to see if they can trust US ironically, they really need to be able to trust us so that they can confide in us about their past, let all the hurt and pain out. When we are strong they will test our resolve to see if we will weaken, and also its as if they want to get caught doing things they shouldnt so that someone will put them straight so to speak. never let anyone cross your boundaries, mental health problems or not. but always be consistent and caring and loving, not shouting or getting angry. I read controlling people by patricia evans, its quite enlightening. they live in a fantasy world and most of the time we may as well not even be there, we are just being used as a prop for them, and as soon as we dont fit into their ‘pretend’ world they will look for someone who does. hard but true. they really need to break out of this pretend world. M x
David,
Don’t blame yourself for what has happen. I feel for you in this situation, you are a good person.
This happens to anyone, you appear to still feel for her obviously it’s evident in the way you express yourself.
She doesn’t appreciate who you are if she is running behind your back.
Sometimes I have a suspicion of my partner at least she admits that she has slept behind your back.
She will realize what she has left when it’s gone. There are a lot of people out there that will treat you better.
Keep strong make sure you have friends to talk with, don’t
walk alone on this one call a 24 hour help if you have to it will help you through this situations remember make contact with friends
Take care
Adam said “Time heals all wounds yes this is true, but sometimes hard to envision. I know I didnt believe it. I should have because when I did decide enough was enough and I need to do me again. I met the most wonderful person I have the pleasure of calling my girlfriend. A relationship is a two way street. Always remember this. One should always be able to recieve as they are to give. Are you revieving as much in this relationship as you are giving? You should be. Life is short so live it to the fullest. 10 years from now you will wish you did. Their is more to life than misery, guilt and arguments. Never make decisions with emotions, but rather wisdom. I wish you all the best!”
You are so right and this is what I’ve been trying to get across to people! I am so happy for you!
I hear what all of you are saying, but to each his own.
To those who CHOOSE to stay, you need support as well. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing by staying. I have heard that enough. Dont allow anyone to scare you with what could happen. Continue to research. Go to support groups. Gain knowledge of the illness. Learn to treat the symptoms and not judge the person. Get involved with NAMI. See a therapist yourself. Maximize all of your options. Dont just complain. Do your part too… if you choose to stay. If you’re just going to complain, then definitely leave. You’re not doing anyone any good anyway. The bipolar person suffers enough. They dont need our constant critiques and judgements. Either stay and learn to cope or leave and dont. It’s your choice.
True, being with someone who suffers with Bipolar Disorder is a challenge on so many levels, but if your partner if taking his or her meds, and is in therapy trying to get better and is trying to find better ways of coping, I say hang in here with them, if that’s what you have chosen to do. Once the violence comes into play then that a sure sign to leave. I have not experienced violence in my relationhsip in the 2.5 years we’ve been together.
Again, if I get to a place where I have to leave my relationship, I pray that I am string enough to remain friends with him. Because though he may not be the best boyfriend (due to symptoms of his illness’), he is a great person. The most supportive friend I have ever had.
I think we should all get over this stuff….
Confused yet Hopeful,
Don’t you think that the best friend you ever had wouldn’t cheat on you? BP isn’t schizophrenia, they are still in touch with reality and can still control their actions. I think it’s just an excuse for not being willing or strong enough to leave. I’m just sayin.
Hi “Wussup”, I hear you, though I disagree to a point. I agree with whomever (above) said that when you look at all of these post you find that the behavior is exactly the same. For me, this has also helped me not to take things as personally.
Bipolar Disorder is a discorder of reason, logic, control, emotional stability. Someone who has issues with all of these things is very likely to cheat. Sex addicts have problems with these things and therefore cheat. No matter how bad they wish for a healthy, stable relationship. Many Bipolars are addicts in many respects. They use drugs, drink alcohol and have sex to mask or deal with their extreme highs and lows. Many of the ones who don’t choose a form of coping/comforting, commit suicide.
Having said that, yes, I do believe that someone who greatly cares for me/ loves me could cheat on me and not think anything of it in that moment. Having worked with addicts, through volunteer work I have seen a mother trade her child for a drug fix to cope. She loved her child. But addiction takes over. It’s all a chemical imbalance.
HI, everyone
Have just come on here and am delighted to have read my story here several times. I met my boyfriend 4 years ago and fell in love with him. I always knew there was something wrong but let the good times over ride it. For the past 2 years my life is like walking on egg shells. We had huge arguments over the tiniest of things. When he got mad he exploded big time and then would cool down as if nothing has happened. we moved to a lovely house a year ago and had a baby son. things were brilliant for a while and just 2 weeks ago he drank a bottle of whickey on top of sleeping pills and pain killers, he then took out a knife and went out on the street shouting abuse at my neighbour and banging on her windows. For the first time in our relationship i had to call the cops who came by and took him away. He was taken straight to jail and the next morning remanded in police custody. We were told that we could bail him out with 2,000 but we have decided to leave him in prison for the 2 weeks as he needs help and he wont admit it!. I went to see him in prison and it broke my heart. He then started shouting at me saying i was to blame. I explained to him that he needed help and that it is impossible to ignore it any longer. His court case is coming up now and im wondering do bipolars know that there is something wrong with them. He is in so much denial. When he is calm he is the best father etc but these episodes are starting to have a major effect on me. The neighbour that he was shouting at is now not speaking to me and thinks he is nuts. Does anyone know if his time in prison will make him see what he is really like. Does he know there is something wrong with him. Please help someone i am so confused, i dont want to abandon him but i cant go on if he wont get help.
Afraid
Afraid,
You must seek help for your self, I just completed a book on coping with my partners Bp. The more I read the book the better I became.
All these events out side of us can be to some deree we can have control over.
We must be strong ourself, we need to develop self esteem, self worth.
You will notice the difference. It will take work and lots of reading.
regards
Jay2, Afraid and everyone here:
You guys are great for sharing. I know that each story opens the eyes to many of us that couldn’t understand and tried to make sense of it all. I have taken your experiences and intervention to help me through my own ordeal.
Just like “Confused yet Hopeful” I found myself angered and betrayed by my partners action that although he has been denying his sexual encounters, left me wondering how much can this person love me and expose himself and me to some type of disease. I know he is very particular of who he sleeps with but the doubt is still there.
Although I love this person, I decided to walk away but leaving a window so he’ll know that he can count on me as a friend. At the end of the day you must ask yourself do you love someone else more than yourself. I bended the rules, my moral values, my self esteem for this person. Then realize what for? for a moment of love, a bit of light into a relationship that leaves you mentality exhausted. For many of you that have decided to stay, my hat is off to you. God bless you. I also know that you see the potential of coming to a middle ground if your loved one is taking their meds, going to therapy and accepting that this is a disorder and they need help. But that was not my case. Like I had mentioned before, I’m a single mother of three beautiful teenagers and young adults and my strength have brought me this far. I’m proud of the woman that I’ve become but definitely did not like the woman I was becoming in this relationship. Again, I thank all of you for helping me find myself and my strength to love without getting lost. God bless!
soul,
what you said was briliant…At the end of the day you must ask yourself do you love someone else more than yourself. I bended the rules, my moral values, my self esteem for this person. Then realize what for? for a moment of love, a bit of light into a relationship that leaves you mentality exhausted.
you go girl
Wow reading these stories one has to wonder, which partner has the mental illness? Those that inflict the abuse or those that continue to take it?
Flo states: “I can handle the abuse”
Why would anyone want to “handle” abuse of anykind? Biopolar or not, some of you must realize that this situations that you are in are not healthy at all.
I am amazed and continue to be amazed at statements made by bipolars like this one
anon: You should be ashamed. There is a corelation between bipolar and creativity, “these people” have a deep beauty within them that should be embraced not frowned upon. Wake up!
It’s always about how normal people don’t love them enough, don’t stick by them, and how the world is out to get them and how special they are.
You can never tell someone else how to “handle” bipolar, if you like waking up every morning wondering if the ball is going to drop, sick to your stomach, walking on egg shells, what sort of life is this and how can that be a healthy relationship.
Instead of pushing your bipolar partner into drugs and therapy which never help anyway, do yourselfs a favor and go for yourself. Months from now you will look back and say, what the HECK was I thinking.
Well done confused i agree. we must be mad sometimes, and the definition of insanity is keep repeating mistakes over and over. no one deserves to be abused and any one who actually enjoys being abused knows no different from childhood i reckon!!! Personally i despise abuse and will never tolerate it ever again – NOT ever!! and funnily enough looking at myself after reading controlling people by pat evans ( worth a look at!!) I wont be dishing out any either! M xx
We recently went to a psychothereapist who told me later that I shouldnt self diagnose my wife as having BP, as there are other mental illnesses that present the same symptoms. He said that he “will” be able to find out what is going on with her, but to leave that to him, and i beleive him.
The hardest thing is having her say that she just wants to move forward with our life together, and put all of this bad stuff behind us, without having to talk about it again, as she sweeps it under the carpet and doesnt want to talk about it and gets defensive and aggressive when i’ve tried. That her affairs arent the problem, it was our lifestyle.
She doesnt seem to realise that without resolving the issues of the affairs, we dont have a future together, which I’ve tried to tell her repeatedly, with no success.
She is into Tarot cards in a big way, and did mine again last night, which didnt look good for our situation. They said to be very cautious, and she asked what i should be cautious of, and I said “you”. She didnt understand so I said “because of your affairs, I will be very cautious”. That changed the mood a bit, as she has already moved on from them.
There is still secrecy by her, putting a lock code on her phone so I cant look at it. I’m sure that both of her “ex’s” have contacted her, or she contacted them in the last week and a half, but she hasnt said anything to me, as its not a “need to know thing” for me. What do i do??
We are going back to psychotherapist on Monday, and I’m going to ask if she has had any contact with them and see what she says.
Its bad that she says that she feels that i’m always trying to “catch her out on something” that she says or does, which is because of all the lies she has told, and i think she is still telling (or not telling) me.
Do bipolars really know if their lies and behaviours are right or wrong, or is that a cop out on their behalf to blame it on something else?? Lets hope the doctor can get to the bottom of it and find out what it is.
It is truly a benefit to write this down and share it with people that are going through the same thing, and reading others accounts of their spouses, and I thank everyone for their stories and comments to the things I am going through.
We all have a long journey ahead, and we have to be as strong as we can be, for ourselves as well as for our partners, whichever way it turns out.
Thanks.
Thanks Soul, David,Michelle,Confused,wassup,Afraid,CONFUSED yet HOPEFUL
,keepinitreal, and you all,
I am full of gratitude for your comments; I only found this site by chance.
I feel I’ve developed an online family, because behind all the words are people are feelings, thoughts and ideas.
We all have been attracted to this site by our emotional need to find answers to the complex nature of the inner working of our own process.
As I mentioned we are on a very delicate journey of greater understanding, whether we have BP or don’t its not important.
People who have BP are ok, it our ability to understand the Nature of BP is the challenge.
The more you embrace this situation the more you understand the process.
I have suffered post tumor, I am very happy no one wrote me off, I would not achieved the mile stone I have achieved without the kindness of people around me.
I work in a negitive field of employment, I am aware you have guessed what I do for my living.
I see trumor every day, without let up. Just when Im on a roll the time keeper is tapping my on my shoulder, I have to comply to his call, as I am starting dayshift Bless you all…
Until we meet again
warm regards
Jay2
Red, panda where have you gone
Jay2, I agree with you. While we all may not go about healing ourselves and/or coping with our partner in the same way, we all are here for the same reason. We want to understand. We wish to know how to help better. We desire our own wellness. No one has all the answers, but it is so encouraging to know that you are not alone in this and that it wasn’t/isn’t your fault. Good luck to you too and many blessings your way. I pray that you all stay strong!
Please continue to research. Also, consider NAMI’s Family to Family course.
I have been so busy that I am trying to catch up. Jay2, I love the saying, when you run the only thing you learn how to do is run. Although this isn’t appropriate for everyone, people who are dealing with the person know when it is appropriate. The techniques you went over are the same ones that my therapist has told me about. Basically tell them your reality and your boundaries before they impose their “skewed” reality onto you and trample your boundaries without you knowing it. The techniques do work. They are simple, and they some of the same techniques you would use on a difficult child interestingly enough.
Keepinitreal,
Abuse takes on a whole new meaning when you understand what the other is facing. This isn’t an excuse, it is a choice. Like Jay2 said, not everyone has the will to endure. Every situation is different, and I would never ever tell anyone to stay or to leave, as both are such personal decisions based on the unique circumstances and personalities.
For me, my putting up with the abuse was enabling my wife’s behavior. Also not an excuse for the behavior itself, but I was doing niether her nor me any favors by doing so. By being the rutter, as Jay2 put it, or the jersey barriers as my therapist puts it, we can teach them to some degree what is acceptable behavior.
I hope this clears the confusion up. I am not the victim, nor is anyone else who has the ability to leave as I do. I am choosing to stay and deal with the disorder my wife is living with head on. I am choosing not to run.
Panda, very well written. I agree with you, especially the part about not being the victim… and especially when you truly understand that your loved one is suffering. Sometimes it’s hard for people in our positions to ever truly grasp what this means because our partners look so normal and we judge them with such normality. It is definitely our choice to stay or go and staying does not make you weak. I think it takes a very strong person to stay and confront the illness head on. I’m not saying that everyone should do this, but for those who do, Kudos to you! Good luck to you Panda!
David,
It is true you probably shouldn’t self diagnose your wife to her, but I found it helped for my sanity to have a reason or explanation for the behavior I was seeing. I thought my wife was bipolar too as she showed signs of the disorder. After I explained my situation and what I have been dealing with for so long, my therapist beleives that my wife is borderline. Worth a look into for those that are trying to “self diagnose” their partner.
The symptoms are very similar between personality disorders and BP.
One word of advice David, seek help for yourself before you seek help for your wife. I liken it to the oxygen masks on an airplane. Put it on yourself before you take care of your kids because if you die, they die as well. So take care of yourself first. This goes to what Wassup and Soul were saying, love yourself the most. I used to subscribe to the thinking that in a close relationship that you put the other first and they will put you first. Ideally this would work, but the situation that almost everyone on here is in or was in, this doesn’t work. It is actually healthy to put yourself first.
Confused,
I agree that when you don’t have the tools or understanding, then it is hard to figure out which person is the screwed up one. I think their is a stigma with BP or personality disorders that can prevent people from getting help. ADHD is so common now that there is little stigma associated with it. For someone to admit they have BP or a personality disorder is a HUGE step. I think there is some truth to the fact that people with this disorder are generally very intelligent and likeable.
One more thing. I wouldn’t say that the person who had the disorder has much control. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with these disorders. They are using their emotions to think with. It is hard to conceptualize for “normal” people as we use logic and emotions, but after reading a whole lot about it, it is almost like they sense hurt or the inability to get what they want and then react to that in a way that makes them feel “safe” usually by manipulation or abuse. At lease in my situation that seems to be the case.
After thinking about it some more I would also add that the person with the disorder doesn’t manipulate or abuse purposefully, in a sense. They are acting out for their survival, as they see it. Once again, hard to imagine for someone who is “normal”.
You have been spot on. I appreciate your perspective, fairness and wisdom! I totally agree (even when it hurts sometimes).
Panda, and all on this site
I don’t know but this Month has been a challenging Month. If I have had to have an emotional forecast to read it would read, like a hurricane.
I was the only person having this storm, it was all my perception, I had speaking engagement last night with a very distinguished guest, and I was half hour late. Nothing has prepared me to deal with the hurricane that I was in at the time.
I had not where to run but into the castle of self and close the door and sit and wait until the storm as subsided, I peered through the window of my experience and notice that the emotional weather had gone to a gentle breeze.
A large oak leaf was pushed gently across the coble stone pavement outside of castle of self.
I walked gently into the moment; I apologized for my lateness to my guests.
My whole day was full of storms, dark clouds gathered, lighting struck, It was my own experience no one else just my own storm.
It was all real to me, the inner storm came for a reason and that was to acknowledge its existence, brace it, feel it, and experience it, walk gentle and experience the better days to come, because it only momentary that these thing happen.
Panda I could have got a bottle of Jack Daniels with coke on ice, or ate myself senseless in the pantry, that’s just a detour or a divisional approach should I have gone down that path.
I chose the path on my inner peace when all roads where busy.
I am finding that I am learning to detach for the moments of internal weather.
Self love provides your brain chemicals with amazing array of brain stimulation and control over all these sometimes stormy days.
Moral; Feel the weather; hold on tight, it will pass, detour are good to take some times there is nothing like a good storm.
My time lord has tapped me on the back; I have to do some housekeeping.
Please take care love to hear your responses.
Walk gentle
Jay2
hello everyone.
This post has really helped me out a lot , because I can see all of the similarities in each story. I was relentlessly pursued by a girl about 2 1/2 years ago. I had been alone for a while and really did not want a relationship. I was “glowing”, I guess. Full of light, I felt really confident and didn’t need anyone. She kept pursuing with so many tricks in her bag. Sexual advances, flattery, massages, little gifts, sweetness…..intense love. Eventually, I got “hooked in”, and we had a very bumpy road. It didn’t take long (2 months) before she became extremely jealous, manipulative and controlling. Hated most of my friends, called me constantly- whenever I would go out with a friend, she would call me 9-10 times and ruin the evening.
Then, one day out of nowhere, she punched me in the jaw. She said it was my fault. We got into it. I pushed her back, then she made me feel guilty and terrible for reacting to being hit. I was traumatized as a child, my father was always manic/depressed and I grew up in chaos – so it really triggered me to be hit for no reason.
It was as if a lightbulb went of for her when she saw me so angry. She smirked. And so it went on for another 3 months, she hit me or through things at me.
We had horrible arguments. My head started to be so confused. She always woke me up in the middle of the night- so I felt as of I had some kind of torture going on. I felt like I was her captive. Blaming me, screaming, saying I was keeping her awake. She even tried to control me when I was asleep!
It wasn’t just me- when she wasn’t hitting me or freaking out- she was yelling and screaming at strangers, crying constantly, being aggressive- pulling the “I am better than you” grandiose routine with everyone.
She lied, manipulated etc. then she started cheating. We had a big fight and it was awful. The police came and I ended up going away for a while- first on a vacation ( she called me eight million times so I could never clear my head for 2 seconds.) Then I went away for several months, but we talked every day.
She became depressed, and then went on AD’s, and started the manic/hypomanic behavior and was fooling around with everyone… and I mean like 5-6 different people. Both sexes. Then came the, I want to break up- good luck call. The more I reacted, the more distant she became. It was like a game. Cut to- a month later, I think she became manic/psychotic, called me and said she was in love with me, blah, blah, blah.
I came home. It was just terrible. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and I really believe it wasn’t her fault, but I didn’t know what to do/just suffice to say, irrational, psychotic, manic, delusional things were going on. She beat me up very badly, police came, etc. I went back. I can’t believe I did, but all of my friends would say that I had classic Battered Wife syndrome. My self esteem was lower and lower, I felt paralyzed. Like I only knew how to react to the chaos and when it wasn’t chaos, I would just move around like a robot. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was exhausted from also living the mania.
Then after being completely “crazy”, she would appear to be semi-ok, I guess it was cycling. Anyway, she broke up with me again out of the blue and I haven’t heard from her since. I feel like I am withdrawing from heroin. It has been awful, I find myself worrying about her all of the time. I know that I love her for all of the good in her, but after reading all of these posts I see it is a cyclical illness. Even if she comes back, which is doubtful, if she does it would just be tons of pain. I have all of these feelings that I am not “allowed” to express. If I do, she goes away and says I make her crazy. I have to stand there like a clown or a punching bag and just help her out of all of the mess that she has created. No one wants to hear it, my friends all dislike her and don’t want any part of it after seeing everything that happened and hearing all of the drama.
All I can say is, they are master manipulators. They spin your mind around like a rubix’s cube, or a safe cracker and won’t quit until they can find the combination to your mind. Then they just start toying with you. I read on the post that they could leave, almost so that they know that they have won. It’s all about winning, and I am sorry to say it seems like it is only a game. Like a video game, they wander through but have no real feelings, because they don’t know how to feel or have empathy or true remorse. They know the words and can parrot them if you want them to, but they don’t understand the feelings- because if they did- they would not act like emotional terrorists. They know how to “fuck”, that’s for sure. They are sex addicts.
Disappearing into thin air, they are allowed to lead a double life- like they are on another plane with a whole new set of dramas happening and chaos ensuing, then they check back in to see what is up with you. Can you still provide the adrenaline rush they so desperately need to stay “high”? If you are available, probably not. You can’t win. If you allow them to chase you, then maybe so. If you want them to be real and be accountable for their crappy abusive childish behavior then forget it. You have to take them back-”It was just something I needed to do” ” I had to get it out of my system.” Narcissists.
I have spent now 2 1/2 years of my life on a crazy roller coaster ride with someone who I thought really loved me. It has been devastating to me. I have been depressed, lost, worried. I have nightmares of cheating and I can’t breathe when I wake up. I spent the night in a disgusting motel after she beat me up- and never really apologized. I found out that very night she was emailing other people and coming on to them. Blaming me for “what I did.” It’s insane.
Part of me hopes she calls and then the other part is afraid, because I can’t go through this anymore and it seems like it only gets worse with time. No one ever seems to really get better for good-if I thought she would really get better and feel remorse, change and stay committed to getting help, then maybe. But after reading everyone’s stories- it’s almost like the same character in some sick play. Over and over, the chaos and insanity playing out… It’s like they are trying to kill our spirits, then see – oh they are still breathing, let me come back and try it again. It’s like being run over with a car and then they look in the rear view and then back over you and then peel out and drive down the road. Then they go back to the other person who they were cheating on you with and do it to them. It’s like they have several lives going on at the same time. When they disappear, they are in another life and you are not allowed to participate until they want to play your game again.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, my heart is really broken, but I can see it is the illness and my story really is not so unique. I am ashamed of myself for being so messed up about everything and not just dropping it. When I wanted out, she would not let me go. I feel like I was a prisoner, stalked and held captive- then kicked to the curb when something else came along.
Panda, thank you for your words. They hit the nail on the head.
Last night i found out more lies that she has been telling me but havent confronted her yet. I think i will wait for the psycotherapist meeting on Monday, so he can at least see her lying and deceiving and finally say to her “you have a problem”. I dont think I can stay with her as this is the last straw. I have been hanging on by a single strand of hair for the last 8 weeks, and this is her using her scissors to cut me off. I know i have to love myself, but most of me wants to help her sort out her illness, and help her look after herself. But she has to “want” to do it too, and I dont think she’s there yet. Maybe on Monday in front of the therapist will make her realise that she does have a problem and needs help.
Heres hoping
Hang in there Jeremy. You will get through this. Please seek counseling for yourself. Please continue to research the illness, even if you are not with her any longer. Understanding the illness will help you to not blame yourself and forgive yourself. You will realize that you did the best you could. Knowedge is power and I pray that understanding will bring you peace.
Many partners of Bipolar sufferers walk away from the relationship with PTSD themselves. From your post it seems you have developed symptoms of that… the nightmares, fear, depression… you have been traumatized. This does not make you weak at all. Your partner is just very sick and needs help. Unless she makes the choice to get well and admit that there is something wrong, you are better off without her… just my opinion.
Please get help for yourself!
Jeremy,
You have self esteem, you have always have it, once you have recognized yourself worth and self esteem you’re on the road to recovery.
As for the beater, well she appear to be drug affected, she wants you to feel bad because she feel bad.
I have always wanted my partner to feel bad about herself so I treated her bad until I had realize what I had been doing. I then would come to her assistance, how sick was that?
You can 12 step your emotional condition; remember she doesn’t deserve to have a good person as you by her side. Here drug use is a detour for what is really going on in her head.
Take care
Hi. I am not new to this blog, I have posted on here back in April about a relationship I was in with a guy who is bp. I just wondered, is it very common for someone who has had a previous relationship with someone that is bp to end up dating someone else with the same problem? I have done it again, and idk how I keep ending up in these relationships. Just wondered if it has happened to anyone else on here. Thanks for any input I can get.
Have just come on here and am delighted to have read my story here several times. I met my boyfriend 4 years ago and fell in love with him. I always knew there was something wrong but let the good times over ride it. For the past 2 years my life is like walking on egg shells. We had huge arguments over the tiniest of things. When he got mad he exploded big time and then would cool down as if nothing has happened. we moved to a lovely house a year ago and had a baby son. things were brilliant for a while and just 2 weeks ago he drank a bottle of whickey on top of sleeping pills and pain killers, he then took out a knife and went out on the street shouting abuse at my neighbour and banging on her windows. For the first time in our relationship i had to call the cops who came by and took him away. He was taken straight to jail and the next morning remanded in police custody. We were told that we could bail him out with 2,000 but we have decided to leave him in prison for the 2 weeks as he needs help and he wont admit it!. I went to see him in prison and it broke my heart. He then started shouting at me saying i was to blame. I explained to him that he needed help and that it is impossible to ignore it any longer. His court case is coming up now and im wondering do bipolars know that there is something wrong with them. He is in so much denial. When he is calm he is the best father etc but these episodes are starting to have a major effect on me. The neighbour that he was shouting at is now not speaking to me and thinks he is nuts. Does anyone know if his time in prison will make him see what he is really like. Does he know there is something wrong with him. Please help someone i am so confused, i dont want to abandon him but i cant go on if he wont get help.
Afraid
Hi Confused and Jay2,
Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it. It’s amazing how much someone that supposedly loves you can mess with your head. It’s like the more you love them and the more you stand by them, the more they have carte blanche to spin. My x-partner is typical of the other people who have mania. She is either on top of the world and claiming to be superior to everyone else and being so so demanding and unreasonable and argumentative or completely manically depressed. Screaming and yelling and crying. I tried the non arguing approach and the night that she hurt me physically was because I refused to defend myself or fight back. I just tried to get out of there and cover my face with my hands but when someone is manic they are so strong physically.
Anyway, I want to move on and I can’t believe how low I have let myself sink because of this relationship. I saw pictures of myself before and after and I looked 1000x better before I met her.
I feel like I aged rapidly, it must have been all of the constant stress and feeling like I was running on a hamster wheel. My heart is just shattered and I feel so sad and I wish I would just wake up and the aching heart would find some peace.
Confused–Therapy sounds like a good idea, I will take your advice on that one.
To Afraid, I dealt with the blaming and it was for everything from I made her miss the bus, I took a long shower, to I made her crazy. All the while, all I did was help her, support her, hold her, take care of her–because she asked me to. Then she just seemed to lose respect for me for doing the exact things that she asked me to do I had no time to deal with my own life and honestly once she was gone, I didn’t even know where my own life was anymore. I was so used to dealing with chaos and yelling and her threatening to hit me or throw something or nitpicking everything that I let all of my own stuff slide away.
It’s almost like she took absolutely everything she could and then left some roadkill. I don’t see how people are strong enough to deal with this, the back and forth, highs and lows,
the cheating, lies, and betrayal are totally the worst part. Like watching her run off with someone else and everything is shiny and new and I suddenly have no value. It makes you feel like a little kid seeking some kind of love from someone who used to love you so much and now you mean absolutely nothing. I guess that’s just my experience but that kind of love really took it’s toll on me.
Thanks everyone for your support and good luck getting your live back.
Jeremy
Hi all. Can i just say that a sex addict that suffers from anxiety and depression can be mistakenly diagnosed as being bipolar!!! Sex addicts need sex to get high its not about the sex. x
True! It’s definitely not about the sex or even the person they are having sex with, who is merely an object to them. Just as with a drug attic it’s not about the drug. It’s their escape… their cope.
Hi everyone
Here is an update on my story(whole story above). He is still in prison and still blaming everyone. He is refusing to see the prison psyciatrist and now is after starting a hunger strike. When do bipolar people admit to having a problem. I am out of my mind now with his latest ploy. He will not eat a bite of food. Totally irrational. I saw him yesterday and he was in such a rage. He looked at me with such hatred and then told me he was in prison because of me. Im so stressed please someone advise me. I am an emotional wreck
Yes its a coping machanism that makes them comfortably numb!! how awful. x
This is something that I wish more people could understand. I used to really get upset and judge my boyfriend who is a sex addict. He was sexually abused in childhood, as well as physically abused. But now that I understand what he deals with and that it is not so much a choice as it is an addiction, I am learning not to take the action as personally and try to help him work through it and eventually not need to resort to it. He hates this about himself. It is not pleasurable to him. He is a victim. It’s still hard for me to accept at times, but knowledge is the key.
TOO all as well
CONFUSED yet HOPEFUL
How are you going?
Sometimes you just can’t help people through this situation.
I was sexually abused at an early age, I had to get support outside of my relationship, it was too much for them to handle.
I was on a bus heading on an outing with all these sexually abused people, it only then I realized I was a part of this tribe of people who just won’t let go of these issues.
I know I won’t or try to put my partner through this situation even though I dump on her some times.
The only thing you can do “CONFUSED yet HOPEFUL
”
is see what support outside of you, the next question does he what help or he may not be ready yet.
………………………………………………………………………………………
Michelle
“Coping mechanism” Straight shot !
………………………………………………………………………………………
Afraid
When they are ready not when you try to push them, you are like me we care so much that we give so much out for little return.
He is not in rage because of you, even if you weren’t there he would still be in rage. Don’t blame yourself he is damaged.
My girl she was like a china doll when I met her, there were hundreds of pieces that were needed gluing.
I had no guide book to help me; she didn’t come with a service manual.
It was all about DIY cope the best way you can.
I remember running in the kitchen seeing smashed plates, re call saying to myself “hell would be a garden walk” “can I go to hell to get despite”. ” What have I done in a past life for this”
There moments when I nearly give up, I call a life line someone who is experienced at this stuff.
My partner is pretty young girl, with monster inside her that can rip my heart out and slam into shredding machine.
Horro movies are inspired by this stuff….you learn to cope
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Nich
We make choices on our self or life experience, It deep in the subconscious its in our brain.
I have a dominating Mother you guessed it, in come my domination girl of my dreams, just like the Mother. If they aren’t dominating we try to make them that way.
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Jeremy
Do you like what you see in the mirror, what keep you in that situation is only you.
You have so much self worth self-esteem, try to not let this stuff deplete the very essence that beautiful person inside you.
Don’t be hard on yourself you are a special person, sometimes we take for granted the very people show so much love.
You sound young, there is a big world out there waiting for you including happiness.
Keep posting on this site you will feel better.
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Remember to medicate on self love, how can you show love if you havent got love it inside of your heart.
You must love your self before you love anyone else.
Give youself time to be the lost childhood you missed out in.
Lots of love
Jay2
Hi Jay 2. All is well, thank you. I pray wellness for you also!
I hear you. My partner, however is in trauma therapy. I am “lucky” to have a willing partner. Though he suffers and a lot of his behaviors are hurtful, he is trying and maximizing his options for help. He attends NAMI’s Peer to Peer course. He is a public speaker, he takes his meds, he sees a therapist once a week. If he weren’t trying then I don’t beleive I could stick around either. I definitely hear what you’re saying though.
Lovely jay2!! and yes the coping mechanism could be sex addiction, but i am going to read about how to deal with addictions now, from a caring persons point of view, cos i remember my partner only stopped drugs when i left for months, maybe this is the way – i shall surely take a look and see. this is like one big puzzle, and the key is definately to be strong, and keep sharing on here – it is so unbelievably life saving!! xxx
David,
Don’t worry, you are using so much energy, you are doing allot to keep in the relationship it’s a sign that you care.
You have a life; it’s buried in all this emotional stuff that you have to deal with. You have been on this path before.
Do you fear the outcome that you will be on your own…You need not fear there is always someone not far from you.
These life experiences are a project, or think it’s a game board.
There are rules of engagement remember it’s all random
People I am going for a break holiday please take care
Luv you all
Jay2
what do you do when the person you love has totally cut you out of your life because they think that you are the reason that they are “crazy?” my ex partner was clearly going through some kind of sexual abuse trauma. All of the signs were there, and it seems like the closer we became emotionally the more out of control she became.
Now I fear that through her mania because of the AD’s, she has put her self in very risky situations. I know that she is having a series of sexual promiscuous /sex with many men. I know this is hypomania and fear that when she crashes from the mania she will be completely devastated by her behavior. Has anyone else had a partner that has gone through this?
what if your bipolar partner goes off the deep end, pushes you away -and then put themselves on a course to self destruction. Has anyone dealt with this or had to wait until their partner crashes or elevates to a manic/psychotic/delusional state? She is still acting like she is on top of the world, but this happened last year and then she called me and said she wanted to kill herself.
How do you get someone help when they don’t want it-or when they are to sick to see that they are sick? This person is
acting completely out of character- all of her actions for the past year have been manic and impulsive. Her therapist just puts her on different kinds of AD’s not realizing that she is bipolar. I know because I saw everything, and I know she isn’t telling her therapist or her psych the truth. She just made me the scapegoat, so they advised her to dump me- that i was her trigger. Now she is running around like a loose canon in a dangerous place and won’t talk to me.
I know that she loves me and I think after all of this damage it
probably would never work. My main concern is I don’t want her to end up dead from depression or wind up with AIDS or something worse because she continues to act out.
Any advice on how to get someone help who doesn’t want it when they are clearly in danger of a major crash- or do you just have to wait and pray that she will turn around?
thanks
I also have been living with a bipolar spouse. We have been together for about 3 years. He has a couple different personalities with an extremely explosive attitude filled mood swings that are so unpredictable. He is also an intelligent energetic hyperactive person that talks a lot. He has a lot of communication difficulties, a bunch of racing thoughts and talks really fast in riddles and metaphors. He always has some type of crazy foolish business venture that he thinks of. He also has anxiety issues where he faints or blacks out. This only happens when he is depressed or stressed out. He has a lot of friends and can make friends in a heartbeat because he talks to everyone everywhere he goes. He has a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde type of thing going on. In his normal state he can be so sweet and nice. When he is having an episode he is really evil, has a lot of rage and acts like someone that resembles the devil. He could never have a simple conversation without being able to control his rage which if the episode is heated enough can quickly become violent. One minute he is fine, then the next minute he snaps and goes off. He always denies that he has a problem and insists that if he is bipolar, than I too must be bipolar. He feels ashamed as if he has too much pride to admit to such a thing.
We go through cycles of rage and normalcy. For about 1 month he is just fine. I call it the ” Our Happy Term”. He is a good and wonderful man that makes me laugh, he’s loving and fun to be around. Then it never fails, at the end of that 3-4 week period he has explosive outbursts, gets mad at the smallest things, calls me names, puts me down, sometimes puts his hands on me. We will argue for about 2-5 days never being able to resolve it in one day. But within those 2-5 days, we will “have mini make ups” then go back to being angry back and forth until he finally decides that he is ready to be calm and we are a normal couple again. The reason we could never get past anything is because he never stops talking/arguing. Once I get frustrated and just “admit” to him that I am wrong and I totally started it all so I can calm the heated moment, he will then somewhat calm down and one of us will go in another room for a while. Then he comes back to start the war again! He constantly wants to talk about it over and over again saying the same things repeatedly. He starts off really calm then blows up and we are right back at it again. This sometimes could go on all night! After the 2-5 days are up we “really make up” and thats when the Happy Term cycle starts all over again.
I use to think that we as a couple just were not mature enough to resolve our issues and though we loved each other, we just were the wrong two people in the world to be involved in a serious loving relationship due to us both being strong minded and stubborn. But before him, I was a quiet, calm and unargumentative person that never grew up with a lot of arguing in the household or even had a relationship with so much arguing as well. At times, I felt like I was loosing my own sanity and becoming evil too because I kind of changed after being with him. I found myself always on the defensive yelling back at him and having to defend myself (because to him I was always the one to blame for everything). I constantly tried to reason with him and make him understand his faults which was always impossible to do. Everything in his eyes was my fault and I always owed him something. It was like talking to a brick wall. He would make every little argument worse by bringing up our old arguments or times when he felt I totally did him wrong which would only make the current argument just that much difficult and complicated. There is never a sense of reality. He can never see things as they are. His mind doesnt work that way. He is only one-sided and very persistent with getting his point across to you that is always something that is really small and petty. If you were too frustrated to finish arguing, he would physically force you not to leave or torture you in the house by following you around in each room and make you listen to his point or if on the phone after hanging up on him, he would keep calling you or texting you just to finish his point!!! Even if I got in the car and left for a while, he was there waiting for me to return and would start right where he left off. It was pure turmoil and chaos. Everything escalates out of control especially if you say the wrong thing to him. He didnt seem to be okay if things were going good for us for too long. Once about a month came, he couldnt hold it in anymore. It was like a drug addict that tried to get off of drugs, but relapsed due to how horrible withdrawl made them feel. Once they get their hit, then they are okay again.
He claims that he gets physical with me because he has to prove to me that he is the man and I need to stay in a womans place. He always tries to play like he’s a “hard ass” or a “Mr. Toughguy”. I’ve known him since I was 17 and now Im 33years old and have never seen him cry once! Im sure he has problems with his manhood because its like the values that were taught to him makes him think us in 2009 are still living in the caveman days. He is kind of a man shovanistic who doesnt think women are as important as men and not on the same level as men. At times I feel he just doesnt like or respect women. He uses terms like, “All you women” or “You know how ya’ll women are”. It like he needs to go back in time and be re-programed and taught what Manhood is all about. He always has to reassure me of both of our positions in the house and always had to let me know how he can fight so good and beat up all the men in the whole world. But I NEVER saw any of this behavor out in public or in the face of another man. He always just bullied ME and just ME. I can deal with the insecurities about his manhood because I was not with him based on his physical strengths or fighting abilities. Him being bipolar just makes those insecurities worse and brings out some of his explosiveness. He wants so bad to show me how big and strong he is (he is really skinny). The best way I can describe it is- he has to do like monkeys do in the wild. Monkeys beat their chest, make a lot of noise and try to scare the other monkeys to show who is the most dominant. His bipolar makes him jump in my face nose to nose while spitting on me screaming and hollering, shaking me, pushing me and banging me into the wall, and grab me while screaming, B@#ch I’ll F@#kin Kill You!! Recently I stopped pushing him out my face which is a natural reflex and reaction when someone is dead smack in your face because it would only make him madder. I just would try to grab away and/or tell him “dont touch me” “dont put your hands on me!” But the minute I pushed him away and tried to get him off of me, it starts the fight and he will swear that I hit him first. I started getting so terrorfied that I had to call the police on him to get him out the house. Each time he blamed me for having to bail himself out, for not being able to come back to the house (court orders), and for not doing what in his head I was supposed to do before the argument began and got out of control. I had to try to make him understand that he got HIMSELF locked up because for no reason ever do you put your hands on a woman no matter how angery they make you. People who are not bipolar understand that it just words and every situation can be solved in a better way than with anger, rage, and being physical. But he still doesnt get it!
He always wanted war with me! I could never figure out why me (the one person the closest to him that he comes home to everyday and is always there for him) Why I was the one he treated like complete dirt! The odd thing about him was that he seemed to be able to control his rages outside of the house. Every argument usually got intense ONLY when we were alone. Maybe a few times others saw how he treated me. His friends or family who some of them he dont even see everyday, were treated like gods and saints. In public he is always Mr. Polite, Mr. Helper, or Mr. Manners, such an angel that wouldnt hurt a fly. Even his voice changes and is soft and gentle. Which is why most of his friends and family would never think he had a problem. They were not the ones being tortured and bullied in our house! Even complete strangers were treated with more respect. He was like the best manipulator! I use to get angry that he wanted me to pretend that we were such the loving couple when we went over his family’s house. Thats were he really acted like a saint. God forbid if they found out or saw him in a rage. Sometimes we argued right up to the moment that we knocked on the door. And when we left driving along in the car, we went right back to arguing again. I couldnt figure out why was it so easy for him to control himself there and treat me the way I would of loved to be treated at home. This is kinda how I knew he had potential to treat me nicely with dignity and respect. He always showed me respect at his family’s house. I would hope that the behavior he showed me there would continue at home so I always played along. First of all I wasnt raised to act a fool at someone elses home and I prayed that maybe he was really in a good mood and we would have a good night when we went home. He would soon prove me wrong as soon as we left. It was shameful that we could never maintain any peace and harmony in our own home or act like a real loving couple but elsewhere we always put on a front. Pretty soon if your personal life at home is chaotic it will eventually spill into your outside of the home life. Thats how his family kind of found out some of the things that were taking place after he was arrested. Of course they only knew his side of the story though. But case and point- they knew we had problems weither they wanted to take his side and believe I’m the problem or not.
During these times, we would have like the biggest most out of control arguments and fights which wouldnt be resolved the same night, then the next morning he expected me to get up and go with him to his families house as if nothing ever happened. And on top of that I had to act like everything was okay!!! It was brutal and very draining! Why wasnt his anger directed to people that he didnt have to deal with as much as me? And for the simple fact that he knew how much pain and hurt we both dealt with on a daily bases, why didnt he give me some mercy.
He does have a side to him that at times wants to work on his explosiveness and for us to have a successful happy relationship at all times. I think he even gets tired of the unstableness of our relationship. Which can happen since he has to move out and then back in a couple of times a year. That can be tiresome for anyone. I think thats when we have our “4 week happy term”. He does try not to get mad over everything and seems to want to work with me. He would even talk about marriage at times. Sometimes during this happy term he would indulge himself into his hobbies for hours maybe to keep calm and out of trouble with me. Sometimes he would want a 3rd party’s imput and have them listen to us and give their opinion. That didnt work because everything was focused on a few things that happened in the realtionship that we disagreed on rather than getting down to the source of the problem which is his illness. They also needed to know the things I am saying now so they would know just how much deeper it really is. And see this thing as a whole and not just as a bunch of small problems and disagreements.
I felt like my life was a living hell! You have to be a strong person to be in a bipolar relationship and be a person that loves this person unconditionally. I learned that you should look at it as an illness and love them anyway which can be done from a far or just as friends. And you should always put you and your children first because if he hurts you wither its psysically or emotionally, you cant be there for your child 100%. You also can loose yourself and who you are. I also learned not to take everything they say personally. And if they dont take you up on getting help than maybe their not ready to face their illness so that they can love you the right way or have a healthy life in general. Once you realize that your spouse has Bipolar Disorder, you have to educate yourself on the illness so that you know what you are dealing with and if you feel they are worth it, try to convince them to seek help especially if you have children. Good luck to everyone living in this type of situation. I know from experience how stressful and painful it is. Its so unfair because you cant seem to convey to everyone in both of the relationship’s circle what you are going through.
Myra,
Your situation is very very similar to mine. The periods of calmness when you think everything is great. My partner is in prison right now and refuses to see anyone and blames me and everyone for his problems. He is refusing to see the prison psyciatrist and now says he is on hunger strike. I am worried sick since this happened (whole story above). What will it take for him to admit that he has a problem. He wont admit he has bipolar or any disorder. He thinks hes perfect and everyone against him is wrong. At the moment he is a tower of rage and so stubborn. I am at a loss as to what to do. Does anyone know if bipolars know that they have a problem. What will break him down. I am at the end of my rope. Does anyone think that he knows deep down he has a problem.
my mom has been bipolar even sine i was 9 yrs old, she had a lot of episodes all of them were manic..im 21 now ..she seems to be getting worse …she takes meds but they dont seem to help her much…she is pushing me and my dad away and always talking about living alone and moving out??
…. i feel like we are falling apart as family and its very hard to deal with….
does anyone have a similar story??
Hi Cristina, I can only speak for myself when I say that NAMI’s Family to Family course has helped me so much. In that class I hear the stories of spouss, significant others, children of the mentailly ill person as well as sybllings. We all come together once a week to learn from eachother and from our instructors. We learn what each illness is and how it affects the brain and a person’s ability to be rational and how it impairs the judgement. We learn the best medicines for treating all different kinds of mental illnesses. We learn better ways of coping and encouraging of ill loved ones. We learn how to cope for ourselvs as well. So many families have been helped with this program. I am in my last week now. It’s free. I would recommend NAMI to anyone in need of answers. Please use every resource available to you. Your family does not have to tear apart! Be strong Cristina!
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Family-to-Family
I’m nearly in tears reading this.
I’m frustrated, tired, hurt, and confused about everything.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now.
It’s been one hell of a relationship. Throughout our relationship, we have broken up more times then I can count.
Mainly because, as he says, “I don’t love you anymore, I never loved you, you are a bitch. ect” It hurts me. No, it kills me inside. It’s so hard to not take these things personally.
He is diagnosed Bipolar with psychotic features. He craves attention, and sometimes I feel more like a mom then a girlfriend. He is abusing alcohol and won’t admit it. I can’t help him, cuz he doesn’t want help. Its so hard to sit by and watch someone sabotage their life. I’m sorry if this post is coming off jumbled and mixed up. That’s pretty much how my brain is right now. Most of the time, I feel like I am loving a rock. Doing everything I can to keep him happy, and satisfied, but it never seems enough. I just want to protect him, and have everything in his life be okay. And I can’t do that. I can’t have a serious conversation with him about my concerns because all I get from it is, “you shouldn’t feel like that, its stupid.” Or he changes the subject, rolls his eyes, or passes the blame on me. In some way, everything he does, is my fault. I will admit that at times, I need to learn to just let him be, and walk away. It’s just SOOO hard to that being a person who feels the need to talk things out. Most of the day, I feel I am walking on eggshells around him. Afraid something I say will make him change his mind about us. All he wants in life is fun. Drinking, smoking pot, ect. I remember one day, he was drinking and decided he was going to go beat someone up, because his friend wanted his helping in doing so. I hid his keys, so he couldn’t drive drunk and he went off on me explaining I was the drunk bitch, and not him. (blaming me again.) I, foolishly, handed him his keys after that comment and 30 minutes later our friend called saying he was a different person and the cops were coming. I got his mom, and we drove together to the scene. My heart fell into my stomach when I saw him. He was screaming about his dad. “Dad, why did you make me like this!?” And pounding his head into the ground. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to sit by and watch. I love him with my whole heart and soul, somedays I feel stronger than others. Whenever I start to feel weak, I come to this site and read everyone’s posts to give me strength to pursue my life with the one person in this world that I truly love. I’m young. I’m only 18, and he is 21. Sometimes I feel like I should just move forward with my life. Then I instantly feel guilty. I guess I am just venting my thoughts out. I will admit, it was quite the relief finding this site, It helped me realize that when he does these hurtful things, it’s not him, it’s his disease.
Oh, I have a question. My boyfriend has tried many different types of anti-psychotics, and none have worked. He is currently ONLY taking lexapro. Is there anything you could recommend that I could share with his mom and we could maybe figure something out? Also, is there anything I can do to help with his alcohol issue?
Hi Brie, I sympathize with all of your post. To be specific, I can relate to what you said about coming to this site when you feel low. I do as well. It keeps everything in perspective for me. Keep the faith and continue to be strong. You are young and you are not obligated to stay. Really try to think about what’s best for you and your future and do that thing. Try to to think with as much logic as possible and as little emotion as possible… if you can. Never feel guilty. You are doing far more than many others could or ever would!!!
Lastly, my boyfriend has been through many cocktails also. What has been working best for him is Lithium and Depakote. He has been his most stable with these drugs which he has been on almost 2 years now.
Best wishes to you!
Brie,
Never feel guilty. Its not your fault…..AT ALL!
I used to feel guilty, but its what your partner wants you to think so THEY feel right and justified in their actions.
Their actions are whats causing the heartache, NOT YOU. Never think its you.
They are different people when they change.
I have made the decision to leave my wife now, as she doesnt want to admit anything is wrong and keeps on going with the blaming, verbal abuse, hate filled eyes, and then 5 minutes later is all loving and wanting a cuddle. A cuddle will make her feel better at the time but doesnt do anything for our situation. She doesnt realise this, but still wont talk about anything with me, and gets defensive when i start. In front of others you wouldnt know anything is out of the ordinary, but get her alone and whoosh… all the emotions are set free and collide with each other. It is like a train wreck, all over the place. Nothing she says makes any sense as she cant remember her stories anymore. When she gets like that I keep telling myself “this is not the woman that I married, this is not the woman I married…” and it gets me through it (most of the time). Sometimes I do have to get angry back, but I know its falling on deaf ears. And the venom in her stare is horrifying, i would never think she could look at me with such hate.
Hopefully our psychotherapist can see her in her true form, and can help her.
I STILL love her absolutely, but the one thing that I have learnt from reading all of these posts is…….LOVE YOURSELF, AND BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. NO-ONE ELSE WILL.
You’ll know when it gets too much for you and you will decide to leave.
Everyone has said “when you go, she will think what a wonderful man she has lost and try and get you back”.
I hoped that, when everything first started, but now it doesnt matter. Because if she doesnt help herself she cant help me, or our children. I will always love her for the good and bad times we had, but i’ve realised that she wont change anytime soon, and that I CANT MAKE HER CHANGE.
Its impossible.
The people who have spouses that actually realise they have an illness and take steps to get proffessional help should thank thier lucky stars at their good fortune.
Having a partner who DOESNT think there’s anything wrong is “hell on earth”, as nothing you do or say is right, and can never be right.
I’m so glad that I found this site. It gives me and others an opportunity to “vent our steam” with people who understand and do care.
Thanks, stay strong, and believe in yourself.
Jay 2,
Thanks mate (yes i’m and Aussie). for your words. they mean a lot and keep me, and probably a lot of others, SANE.
Hope you have a great holiday
Please check this out… It can help.
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Family-to-Family
Hi Brie,
I am sorry that you are going through such hell with your boyfriend. It’s obvious that you love him so much. My ex girlfriend was taking lexapro and it really seemed to launch her into a hypomanic state. Prior to that, she was taking zoloft, and that seemed to do the same thing. I noticed that her cycles seemed to begin in May- she would start acting strange, nervous, aggressive, racing thoughts. Her therapist put her on zoloft- she then went into a hypomanic state and started dating many people and cut me out of her life. She then crashed in December, and felt suicidal. At the time, I didn’t know a thing about this disease and she claimed to be stressed out. Her behavior went from depressed to I believe psychotic/manic. I was exhausted trying to keep her and all of the chaos around us in check.
May came around again and she just lost it and took off. She started taking lexapro and the cycle began again. I have heard good things about lamictal and from what I have read, bipolar disorder can really be made worse by antidepressant treatment with no mood stabilizer.
I also know that from my friend’s mom who is on a cocktail of meds that she needs to constantly have it adjusted, and her family needs to take responsibility for noticing subtle changes before things get too off kilter.
I had a long talk with my friend’s mom and she said that it really is up to the bp patient to take responsibility for their actions and getting/staying well.
My xpartner has put me through hell and has left and come back after turning both of our lives inside out. It’s confusing to me how she can be so in love , and then when the mania comes in has no second thoughts about cutting me out of her life. She comes back and says she doesn’t know what she is thinking when she acts like that.
This is a really tough disease. If you love your boyfriend, try to gently guide him towards getting some help. Just tell him you love him and give him space when he starts to distance you.
I think during those times instead of worrying so much about them, it is a good time to gather strength and support for our selves. Focus on the things we like to do, and by all means when it gets out of control or dangerous- the best thing to do is to remove ourselves from the situation and into safety.
Someone here mentioned “staying online but not talking.” Let him know you love him and that you care but you need to take care of yourself too, or this disease will just run you into the ground.
Best of luck,
Jeremy
David,
What you said needs repeating.
“Never feel guilty. Its not your fault…..AT ALL!
I used to feel guilty, but its what your partner wants you to think so THEY feel right and justified in their actions.”
That is so right. They want their “reality” to be your reality. If it isn’t, then they are forced to confront the pain they are feeling inside or confront the pain they caused. They need to face it to fix it. They may confront and deny, but in that split moment they may see it. It really is their only chance as enabling and allowing their warped sense of reality will do neither of you any good.
Brie, put yourself first. I am not saying stay or leave, but in order for your relationship to have any chance you must be the stable/normal/secure one. Stop feeling guilty and stop walking on eggshells. It isn’t doing either of you any good. The risk is he will leave but is your current situation any better?
You can’t get someone to quit, they have to want to quit. You can help them along the way if they want, but only they have the power to quit.
Well, our psychotherapist now thinks that there is a problem with my wife. After our second dual meeting with him, we made our third appointment and I said that i needed to see him alone, as i was distressed and needed to talk, and I met with him the following day. Well, after showing him a few letters that my wife has written to her “boyfriends” as well as me, and describing what has actually been happening over the last 2 years + he said that it is highly probable that my wife has either bipolar or borderline personality disorder or BOTH.
What a relief!!!
Its not me who is overreacting to her behaviour, he see’s it for what it is.
Next steps are for him to try and see her alone and get something out of her to start her to realise that she does have a problem and get her onto medication ASAP.
He said that this is critical, in order to try and talk her through her issues and verbalise that she actually does have “serious, complex mental issues” (his words).
She has been acting like nothing has happened AT ALL, and continues with her life, like the behaviour and affairs havent occured. He says that i have to just let it lie for the moment, as bringing it up is a waste of time, as it wont result in anything. It will go in one ear and out the other, and wont achieve anything, especiall unitl she is on some sort of medication.
Timeline of 1-2 years of therapy in order to get her to a point where she can understand what she is going through and what she has done, as a start, with years more therapy to come.
Her current behaviour and acting all loving and not talking about what has happened is terrible for me. She has and is, sweeping it under the carpet like nothing has happened. I was ready to leave her on Monday until her confirmed my thoughts of her mental illeness/es. She hasnt done anything to bring up or explain her actions in 9 weeks on her own without me constantly asking (and they’re all lies anyway), and i know she wont try.Thats the worst part for me. That i have to keep my feelings in check while she just gets on with life.
I just dont know what to do or how to act anymore. Its just so hard. Not too hard yet, but it is killing me having to act like nothing has happened, and like my fellings don’t count for anything with her at all, and i have to be “normal” for her.
Does she know right from wrong???
I feel like getting stuck into her all the time asking her does she realise what she has done, what all her lies and behaviour has cost her??
What will that get me… another suicide attempt that may be successful this time???
Our children losing thier mother??
I just dont know anymore. I still know that i am going to leave her, but now its going to have to be once she realises that she does have an illness. I was prepared to finish it this week, and now feel let down that I cant do it yet.
I have a lot more questions for the therapist who I’m seeing again on Saturday, to try and get things moving quickly.
I still love her dearly, but now i know its not in the same way i did before. Maybe it might come back in a few years, IF she gets some help…. i just dont know.
Its all about her again, which is just the way she likes it, needs it. And my feelings, or what I need doesn’t count. Everything is forgotten in her eyes, or pushed to a part of her mind that doesnt want to or cant deal with it with me. Therapist told me that i’ll never get the whole truth about whats happened, and that i can expect about 70-80% honesty in the future, but thats not enough.
He also said that marriages DO work if the spouse is “discreet” with their infidelity, to which I said “NO WAY, ITS ME ONLY OR NOTHING”, as i cant go through the last 9 weeks again and again for the rest of my life. I’ve lost 15 kg, dont sleep, have aches and pains in my body, smoke 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and have piercing headaches.
Pretty soon I think my body will say “enough”.
But when is enough really enough??
Hi online family, Back from break….Missed you all
***** *****
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Hi online family, Back from break….Missed you all
***** *****
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Sorry folks something went wrong
Commputer key board is has problem,,,
Anyhow I hope you are all well
Jay2,
Welcome back!!!! Hope you had a great break!!
I think EVERYONE on here should have a little holiday, to try and make “sense” of whats happened to them.
If you can’t, try and think in your mind of going on a holiday to a tropical island somewhere and laying in the sun on the beach with a nice tall cocktail by your side, and a good book.
Really immerse yourself in the dream when everything gets “bad”.
Go away in your mind to a better place to help deal with everything. It helps me, and i feel I can come back somewhat refreshed.
Hey everyone hi jay 2
Well heres my update. He came off hunger strike and saw the psyciatrist. when i rang the prison i spoke to the dr and he said he has come round and is taking medicine. I was naturally delighted as i thought wow the drama will stop and we will be ok. Hes highly qualified but hasnt worked in 4 years so its been hard. Anyway i thought i would give him a break for a few days and maybe he would calm down, he rang me this evening sounds a bit better but was still blaming me. WTF!! My heart dropped i really thought he would come round with meds, he has only started them 2 days ago. Does anyone here think that he knows himself he has a problem he seems to think im the one with the problem. will that subside when the meds kick in. Once again i got hope and now its dashed again. how long does it take for meds to kick in, he was calmer but still a little blame for me
Hi everyone! First off, thank you for the kind words and taking the time to read my post. You guys made me feel better. Things have been going well, surprisingly. I managed to talk to him about his alcohol issue, and he is still getting drunk but in moderation. I have yet to try talking to him about new medicine. He is still taking just lexapro, and somedays he forgets. Right now he is in the stage of not wanting to be with me. He is “bored” of me. That’s his excuse this time. I’m slowly learning to just ignore it, because I know he won’t feel the same way in a couple of days. I think I am going to talk to his mom about lithium, I have heard several good things about it. He told me a long time ago he didn’t want to try it, because it’s horrible for you. (and yet he puts worse things in his body, alcohol, cough medicine.)
He also told me he had tried many different anti-psychotics but they just made him worse, and angry. I also did some research about lexapro and it keeps a person in a maniac state. I’m just going to stay strong and pull through this.
Anyways, thanks everyone.
Hey everyone hi jay 2
Well heres my update. He came off hunger strike and saw the psyciatrist. when i rang the prison i spoke to the dr and he said he has come round and is taking medicine. I was naturally delighted as i thought wow the drama will stop and we will be ok. Hes highly qualified but hasnt worked in 4 years so its been hard. Anyway i thought i would give him a break for a few days and maybe he would calm down, he rang me this evening sounds a bit better but was still blaming me. WTF!! My heart dropped i really thought he would come round with meds, he has only started them 2 days ago. Does anyone here think that he knows himself he has a problem he seems to think im the one with the problem. will that subside when the meds kick in. Once again i got hope and now its dashed again. how long does it take for meds to kick in, he was calmer but still a little blame for me
hey everyone!
Brie, glad things are getting a bit better for you guys. Hang in there. Do you have any links to the lexapro and mania research that you would be willing to share? I have learned that my x- is really acting manic- she claims to be happy, great, etc. Engaging in very risky out of character behavior. She is not in a place with adequate medical care. Her family is in denial and just wants to believe that she is great. I know differently, but since she has cut me or anyone with any knowledge of her illness off I can’t really help.
I would like to send some info on the lexapro/mania research to her family in the event that things go from bad to worse for her- at least they will have a clue to what is going on, and be able to get her some support.
Thx.
Afraid Hey everyone hi I am glad he has come off his hunger Strike.
Thank you for this, I always say Look after yourself please.
You must come first before you can attend any wounded soul.
I am learning this.
Ive just come off shift work…. ( : Take care
jay 2
xxx
Dave thanks for that…How are you going dave, how is life treating you ?
Brie, I dont think Ive met yo Brie whats been happening in you life ? : )
Michelle,
How are you miss you all ? As Ive said this has help me…. you girls and guy thanks
jay 2 ; )
Jeremy,
You sound a very caring person….Look after you self.
Its important to take time for your self special time.
What interesting thing have you been doing recently ?
I dont know if you play a guitar or do art, may doing somthing like that can make you connect up to your own spirit.
It keeps your self occupied. Are you in a cold or warm place ?
Take Jeremy
jay2 : )
Hey Dave Where are you from,
Hey Jay 2,
From Sydney, Australia my friend. And you??
Well it all blew up tonight with my wife.
I told her that I have to move out for a while as her lying has gotten too much for me. She said that she was going to leave with the kids when school finishes in 2 weeks. She says I’m the liar, and that I am the one causing all of this, and that i’m not sticking to our plan of a life together. How can I stick to a plan when all I get is what she wants to tell me all the time. She doesnt think that there is anything wrong with her and that lying about everything is totally ok.
God its frustrating, as like most of the people on here, we love the person we’re with SO MUCH, but they just cant see it at all. Its just thier own world where they are right ALL of the time, and if something doesnt suit them, then they dont want to talk about it EVER.
Brie and Afraid…..what can I say, but stay strong and look after yourselves. We can’t change anyone, just hope for the best possible outome. Whatever that may be.
Everyone’s said it, and I really do believe it now, that ONLY IF they want to help themselves, can we help them.
Hopefully the Lexapro kicks in soon. My wife and I started to notice changes after a couple of weeks, when she was on them 2 years ago. Hopefully its sooner for you.
Take care all.
Hi everyone,
Just came back from visiting him. He is alot calmer for the last few days. He sat and listened to what i had to say i thought i was getting thru and then he said that im to blame for everything again, however it wasnt as forceful as the last few visits. Why wont he accept that he has a problem. I am the only one to have ever stuck by him and he blames me. Does anyone think or have experiences like this blame. Do ye think that he knows there is something wrong with him and hes afraid. My head is truly done in from him. I just want him to realise he has a problem. do bipolar people know there is something up with them. Any suggestions would be greately appreciated. thks
hey everyone,
Jay2! Thanks, You are right. I have been making myself sick with worry and I really can’t do anything at all. She has found her own path, wherever that leads her. I think after a while we are put in the position of caregiver instead of lover/partner. In the depressed phases, there we are with all of the caregiving and holding everything together. I lost the focus on my SELF shortly after I met her. The chaos becomes a daily whirlwind, normalcy goes out the window.
Where I am really depressed right now, I am in a warm place and trying to get sun and hiking in as much as possible while I piece my life and head back together.
Afraid, I do think that BP folks realize that they have a problem, they sometimes don’t seem to want to admit it. Maybe blaming is easier? Not sure, it just seems like part of the pattern, especially when they are feeling manic.
From my point, when they are manic they feel invincible- or at least my xpartner would always assume that she was right- and arguing was just exhausting. There is no point in arguing when someone is manic-from my experience-although when I did not argue, she would just draw me into an argument anyway.
I realized last night that I have been so worried about her that I had let myself become sick (depressed). So I am working on getting a therapist and trying to figure out how to let go completely and not get drawn in if and when she comes back.
Thanks again Jay 2- you seem like a really great person. Thanks for checking in on everyone:)
Afraid,
I think everyone on this blog has had MANY experiences with being blamed for EVERYTHING going wrong.
Dont worry( i know its hard not to), its NOT YOU.
My wife blamed me for everything that went bad in our relationship, as well as her having to go and have affairs because life was too hard at home with our family, and she needed an escape, to live her fantasy life that she dreamed of as a little girl.
Where is the logic in that??
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was young but realised later in life that I wouldnt be one, and that was fine. She has kept her fantasy going as a reality, and acted on it when life and reality got hard. But life IS hard at times, and you do have to take the good with the bad. Its how you deal with the bad the determines who you are as a person.
I’ve moved out of home for a while, as I confronted her with MORE lies, and for only 1 night away, I am starting to feel better already.
Its amazing what a break from the rigors of living with someone who has this illness can do for your own wellbeing. I would reccomend it to anyone who is having a hard time dealing with their spouse/partner.
Just get out for a while and get your own head clear, and look after yourself. They wont care, and if they do, it may make them realise after a while of what they had and what they may lose if they DONT pull their finger out and realise that they do have an big issue that needs resolving.
Look after yourself first. I’ve realised you cant save the world on your own. You have to look after number 1, and make it YOUR PRIORITY!!!!!
Dont expect them to look after you. They won’t and they can’t. They can’t look after themselves. One day they will realise that something isn’t right and hopefully get some help.
I have so much admiration for everyone here who shares their story, and the strength required to try and help their partner. Keep it up, and remember…….”that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Take care.
Jeremy, and everyone who reads this
Thanks for that, there is so much to be gained when understanding others, and there complexities that we all face.
Really its the inner self we learn about when we extend a kind word, or a hand up, are you ok, can I get you something, do you need to talk for a moment.
We all need to stop for a moment and reflect about the amazingness, the wonderment of this life’s journey.
Jeremy the more I share I am learning about me. I can be a very abrupt person at times, I found it very hard to show gratitude and thank people for anything. Now I am learning to understand my inner self more.
Inner peace is detachment from the source of pain, if we enter under the source of pain you get the source of where pain comes from.
We have to acknowledge the emotional pain exist first, in order for us to go into the direction of healing.
In order for one to recieve healing we must think of healing and go into that dirction.
Put our attention to it and intention follows….remember that
I do surf the emotional waves, get to the centre of the wave whether its left hander or right hander just stay on the board.
Each wave is deferent, it takes skill to be a good surfer.
There will always be one wave that takes you down.
You take time traveller Jeremy
“Self love is the key to infinate possiblities”
Hey David
your right, since hes been gone nearly 4 weeks now my house feels like is functioning without me walking on eggshells and feeling nervous. at the same time i miss the kind man who lights the fire every night to keep us warm and runs baths for me, but i dont miss the nasty guy that can pop out and rage abuse for hours blaming everyone for his own situation the guy that can turn against anyone and frighten them with rage. i am hoping against hope that he will find the right combination of meds and admit he has a problem. right now its everyone elses problem and he does not see himself as wrong EVER. you would think that having landed in prison he would get a wake up call and fix himself but the denial continues. Does anyone think that he will wake up and get the help he needs.
Jeremy,
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/drugs-treatments/rating/lexapro-for-bipolar-i-disorder
That is a link to one of the sites. I do not believe anyone with Bi Polar Disorder should be on Anti-Depressants alone. I have seen it do nothing good for my boyfriend, except keep him in the Mania state of mind. He doesn’t want to take anything else, because mania is better then being depressed. It doesn’t keep him stable, and it doesn’t do good for him. In his mind, it does. It makes him have no sex drive, and he almost seems to be ADHD when he is on it. Also, I have notice that his cycles seem to have a pattern. QUESTION for everyone, has anyone else noticed a pattern in their partner’s cycles? He has broken up with me (which means he is going through his down cycle) the same time, for the same amount of time for the last 2 years. It’s highly predictable when he will be going down, and when I will be encountering a world of pain.
Sorry I’m so late in replying, as I stated before, I usually only come to this site whenever things aren’t going well. Well, as you may have guessed, things have turned from bad to worse. I am starting to feel like I am the crazy one. My boyfriend turns everything around on me, and says things like “I don’t wanna talk about your Psychoticness right now.” ANYTIME I try to talk about an issue in our relationship. I have a few questions for you guys. Whenever you try to discuss something that’s important to you to your partner do they just blow it off, act like you’re the one being stupid, and that what your saying isn’t even important? I hear that so much I actually begin to wonder if it’s the bi polar or if our relationship issues aren’t that big of a deal.
David- Those stone cold looks of hatred you are talking about, I see those quite frequently. I don’t think I have ever seen a look so frightening either. I seem to relate to a lot of the things you say are going through in your relationship.
He is again, wanting to break up with me. “The only way I will find happiness is if we break up.” His mother and myself talked him into waiting a week to see if he feels the same. He did yesterday morning, then changed his mind, then I tried to discuss something I was upset about, and he wanted me gone again today. “Ugh, has it been a week yet?” Was the first thing he said whenever I brought up what was wrong with me. I wish I could give some advice to you, or help you in some way but I’m just at a loss here. I hope things get better for you, and I really am glad you posted on this site. It’s nice to now you are not alone, and that someone understands. It’s hard dealing with someone who doesn’t want to change, or doesn’t think they need to. In fact, he always says that I am the one who needs to change. But anyways, how are things going for you since you left?
My getting out of the relationship isn’t as simple as just leaving. My mom, grandma, and friends have let me stay with them SO many times after we break up and they say that I shouldn’t go back and it hurts them when I do. I love my mom and I can’t stand seeing the look of disappointment in her whenever I ask to stay there again. I just feel like I NEED to help him, because he has so much potential and I am willing to do anything in my power to help him reach it. I know if I got him on the right meds it could really change a lot. I am going to talk to his mom about the situation later on tonight.
Thanks guys,
Brie
Hi Brie,
Haven’t left….yet. I dont know why but it hasnt happened. I left for a week and received a stack of loving text messages and calls of love. The whole reversal of emotions that I have been getting every time things go bad. But we actually had a good week last week and we really talked again. Truly communicated like we used to. The lies are still in there, which stand out quite clearly, but I think she is TRYING to sort herself out. She has gone to her mothers place for the Christmas holidays with the kids so I’m home alone, which is kind of nice for a change, but still I miss them all a lot.
I noticed my wife’s mood even out when she was on Lexapro, but she did kind of become bored of things but didnt have the enthusiasm to do much else. But it calmed down her emotions and anger for a while.
And believe me YOU AREN’T CRAZY when it comes to discussing things with your partner. They do blow you off and make you feel like you’re the one thats wrong, and dont know whats going on. Thats their coping mechanism when things aren’t going their way, and the only way they can feel better about themselves. I dont think they could help it even if they realised, especially if they aren’t on medication. You just have to realise that it isnt them talking, its the illness. They dont think anything is wrong with them, and so they can only blame you (or me) as that is their only excuse. Separate for a time and see how that works, it may make you realise that you are a lot stronger than you thought.
AFRAID
I dont think they realise no matter how bad it gets. I dont know what or how they are supposed to sort it out as I can imagine that being told by a doctor that you have a mental illness would be a pretty terrible thing to admit. Having your partner tell you something is wrong and has been for a while would be even worse, because you are their outlet for all their crap.
Both of you be strong and remember that the people you’re in love with iare still somewhere in there, they’re just being smothered by someone/something else.
I wish I could say that they know that they are doing the wrong thing, realise how much they are hurting you both, realise how much they love you…..but i can’t, because I dont know if they do. I hope that they do, as I hope my wife does too. All we want to do is be with the person we met and fell in love with.
Is that too much to ask??
Take care everyone.
Hey David-
your so right. The court date is approaching on thursday he was starting to come round about treatment telling the psyciatrist that he does feel really angry at times. And now today when i went to see him its right back to everything being my fault, swung right around. He knows its in his interest to cooperate with the psyciatrist as he will escape jail and just go to hospital. Why is he being so irrational. Its like there is one side of his brain telling him to copperate and the other side saying f them all. Im so confused and so frustrated and scared for thursday.
I’m bipolar. and the guy I’m with (well im not sure what we are now
.. has some mental issues, I’m guessing.
Here is the thing.. Our relationship has never ever ever been anything but loving/caring. which is weird for me because I normally am the one who flips out/gets angry about something.
Never once has he angered me, never once has he made me feel anything but pure happiness.
so friday comes long.. and we cant wait to see each other like always. we had dinner, went to the lake, it was great. everything was normal.
then saturday comes along. and i hadnt heard from him, it was like 4 pm so i sent him a text, and he said im busy.
and that was about 2 weeks ago going on 3.
and thats the last i heard from him..
i know hes been dealing with a ton of stress lately, and he does smoke weed and drink to act normally… one night i was super hyper, and he told me thats why i drink/smoke if i didnt id be worse than you.
and here i am worried, stressed, because i dont know whats going on. i cant help but blame myself.
i feel super worthless and meaningless to him.
I sent him texts, emails, called him. and nothing.
whys it so hard to send me two words so that i know he isnt dead…. whys it so hard to be like “hey im ok. ”
i just feel like im not important enough to him to know whats going on.
Whenever anything made him sad/stressed/angry hed always come to me. I always was the first person hed run to.. When he got into a big fight with his boss, i talked to him for 6 hours.. to calm him down and make him un-stress. it worked.. and everyday hes so happy he has someone like me. he always tells me how much he needs me and loves me. and i oddly enough believe it. i believe everything he says…. i love him with all of my heart, and i would do anything for him.
no one has EVER loved me as much as he does.. no one has ever cared about me as much as he cared. and the fact that we get along so well, never argue, are just so happy to be together.. makes this all even harder.
I cry every single day, Ive never been so depressed.
and the sad part is.. IM the bipolar one. but now that i think about it.. he may be too. :/
mina,
You sound so sweet, in your writing. You are so special, and you are holding it to gather well.
Emotional pain, I can explain it comes from deep inside you, go to yourself love in this moment and remember you loss is someone else’s gain.
Some will love the same way as the person who left your world.
Everything happens inside of you, you are not worthless you are a special being, once you recognize whats inside that wonderful spirit of you in your inner world; you are on the path to greater experiences.
Your relationships are a reflection of who you are and the level of your understanding and reactions to that relationship.
We all need love, you must feel so abandon empty inside, try not to judge your wonderful self.
Putting yourself through your own court can be harsh; we can be the worse judges of our own self.
I will think about you and what you are going through I will write something that maybe of help.
You take care
xxxx
Hi Dave, Afraid,Brie, Michelle and all on this site
Hi Jay2.
Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.
Thing’s have been going pretty well the past couple of days. I have been spending less time with him, and he started missing me more. I guess that’s good. I am going to talk to a therapist in a few weeks to help me with all this. Thanks to everyone who has given me advice on my situation. It’s really helped so much reading about other people’s relationships and what you all have been going through. I have said this a million times but it really makes me feel not alone which of course you all probably understand when I say that being with someone with this illness can really bring you down with it, and make you feel so alone. So thank you everyone.
I’ll keep checking in.
Oh and David,
I do believe they love us. At times, it certainly does seem questionable but I know they do. In my case, I just don’t think he knows how to love me in certain situations. From what I have noticed in my relationship, is my boyfriend blames me for his unhappiness, his depression. I think he believes I am the one who is supposed to make him happy and keep him that way but when he goes into his depression mode he thinks I am the one making him feel that way not this disease. It’s difficult to hear the things he says, but I think I am beginning to understand him a little better. It hurts not being able to be the one to help him be happy but there is nothing I can do. I could be wrong, but that’s just a theory of mine.
Hi guys again – just a note to say if anyone is interested to read the verbally abusive realionship by patricia evans. wow sometimes we dont even realise when and how we are being abused. M xxx
thanks jay2.
I hope I’ll have something good to post on here, and soon.
Brie, and those who read this Brie you are now on a self discovery mission, you are with you.
Remember the waves of emotions, We need self love when we are tossed about, its the “King Wave” that come unexpectedly so we need to be prepared.
We are in show of our lives, some are at the beging of that show, some are at the middle, some are at the end of the show.
Make sure we write in self love and happiness in our script
Jay2
Michelle thanks for that, Dave how are you going ?
Jay2
Jay 2, you are right its all about self love. i mentioned the book because it was helpful in understanding the dynamics of a relationship where one is abused. it explains how the abuser is usually in reality 1 while the partner is in reality 2 and the abuser feels like the partner is in reality 1 with the abuser, all sounds a bit confusing and after i read it a few times i really got it and its been one of the most informative books i’ve read upto now. and yet again it is all down to self awareness, someone very self aware would think ‘ to heck with this i’m not taking the abuse’ and i keep reding about how boundaries are easily trodden upon – to make ourselves safe we need to reiterate our boundaries. or even just make some to start with as it feels like in my case, i have been too soft i think and it gets you nowhere. good luck all M xxxxxxxx oh and merry christmas
Michelle and all, you are right, since I got onto this site, inner change started to happen.
I was speaking to Medical Doctor last week we exchanged medical information over one of my lectures that I was conducting.
We spoke about the Limbic system and the importance of the billions of neuron transmitters and receivers and happiness as a placebo that we can use in our field of work. You hit the nail on the head.
Most people, who recover well, have had inner positive emotional well being that not medication can give. Self love is a remarkable process. For if I don’t have self love I can’t love my partner.
Authentic love that’s deep inside of the heart and soul. Our internal memory seem to not remember to retain this self love, we have to continue to remind our self that we are so special, it’s so easy to remember how bad we are, and the mistakes we make in our life’s journey, and judge our self in the Superior court of ME.
I hear people at work say things like “I m an Idiot I should known better” or “I hopeless” , “I’m stupid”
My respond “cease from that self talk stop putting you down so badly” Moments later when I am on a down ward run you guessed it, I am doing the same thing to myself.
I am starting to understand self love I am getting there Michelle.
Hey I almost forgot, if you get the book “The Bipolar Disorder Answer book to More than 275 to Questions” By Charles Atkins MD. It’s worth a look in.
It’s so hot here I have to run its Saturday 19 December 1346 hours.
Have wonderful chrissy Michelle Don’t eat too much
Jay2
XXXX
Jay2,
Wow, You really opened a new perspective for me. I have heard the saying, “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” and never really got it. What you just wrote really clicked a lot for me and my relationship. My boyfriend is really down on himself. He has no goals, or future plans and doesn’t believe in himself. He second guesses EVERYTHING he does. He couldn’t make a left turn to the hospital because he was afraid it was wrong. We had to stop at a gas station so he could verify with he mom. Just an example. Of course it kills me, because he has so much potential but is too afraid of messing things up. He has very low self esteem, and whenever I was reading your post I began to realize that what you said couldn’t be more true.
Most of you say that your relationships are really good in the up parts of the disease. Mine is the an extent, I mean he’s not cold, or rude and will tell me he loves me. But he won’t talk to me, our good days are basically him not wanting to break up with me and just stating he loves me. But he won’t go much deeper than that. In writing this, I am beginning to question why I am still with him. I guess my heart is being selfish, I have lost him quite a few times and I don’t want to bare that pain again. I want to help him in any way I can, but I am always the one trying to change our situation to make him happy. Even if means giving up some of my selfishness to do so, but he never seems grateful for it or seems to notice, much less care.
Wow, now I’m rambling. One sentence of your post and here I am complaining about a situation I choose to stay in for whatever reason I choose too. I don’t ever question whether or not I love him, because that is something I know for sure. And I am not stating I am unhappy, just lonely.
Anyways, I should stop.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone.
Hi Jay2, brie and all. I particularly liked this bit (Most people, who recover well, have had inner positive emotional well being that not medication can give. Self love is a remarkable process. For if I don’t have self love I can’t love my partner.
Authentic love that’s deep inside of the heart and soul. Our internal memory seem to not remember to retain this self love, we have to continue to remind our self that we are so special, it’s so easy to remember how bad we are, and the mistakes we make in our life’s journey, and judge our self in the Superior court of ME. ) our inner critis IS our worst enemy!!!! apprently a positive thought is 100 times more powerful to the brain than a negative one, therefore it should be easier and quicker to think better of ourselves. each time i think badly of myself and kick myself for whatever reason i say something positive. not all easy i know – i’ve been beating myself up for years and been a menace to my own destiny. low self image etc, yet we all are marvellous human beings and our bodies are our vehicles in life, we dont appreciate how good they are, we harm them by smoking and drinking etc – i do both!! will give up soon!! we can create tiny little human beings, we are fantastic. any way its 10.00 am here its freezing cold and snowing and its the works xmas party tonight – weather permitting and i shall have a few beverages for us wonderful and marvellous UNIQUE people, and i wont eat too much jay2 M xxxxxxxxx
ps i have put the book on my ‘to read list’ thankyou. all info helps and knowledge is power. M xx
Brie Michelle and all, It’s not rocket science is it? Its perceptual it’s not even real it our imagination.
We fear things that have never happen, “the what if” That in turn change our brain chemicals, then our brain memory kick in, There is a big storm happening in hemisphere of our brain for all of this.
Detachment from what if, replace it with “so what if” We have to un learn the fear and doubt.
It’s ok to know this but Hey, I fall of the wagon of self belief many times, my only protection it to detach.
Michelle self love is a life line, Brie go to your inner peace, I am grateful to you both I am learning .
Brie Detach the moment he get aggressive, I am in a unit that attend the after care of Domestic violence, people don’t tell me what happening to them, they internalize their language or physically you see the signs.
Why do I like what I do? Because I share this self love process with them, guess what? I see small changes in their lives, “little things big thing grow”
Remember its starts with words, from “little things big thing grow”.
A violent act is when you speak harshly, put downs, robbing you from yourself love, why because the perpetrator has no self worth, it’s their way of dumping un necessary garbage on to others.
My partner has stabilized her condition; she has the best job in the world, at a national news television network, her Bipolar is almost nonexistent, I am so grateful for those who connect with me on this site.
A very warm Christmas, be safe, remember the person that loves you the most is YOU, No one has a right to take that away from anyone.
Let me know Michelle how you go with the book.
Jay2
xxxx
on October 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm was my first posting time fly..
I want to make a list of my boyfriend’s symptoms so I can be prepared and come up with a method to help our situation.
My problem is, I don’t know how to tell if he’s going from mania to normal or depression. Reasons why,
1. His mom holds his finances so he doesn’t spend it all. She gives him a certain amount a week.
2. He never wants to go anywhere, or do anything crazy or fun. (He is also diagnosed with a social phobia disorder.)
3. He always seems kind of calm.
The times when he wants to break up just come out of random, kinda. We’ll be arguing and he is ready to end it all.
The only thing he really does that I have noticed is he will make strange sounds almost like he has ADHD (but I think that’s from his meds, cuz he does that all the time.)
And, he sometimes gets in moods where he just says I don’t wanna be touched right now. (and that usually lasts like an hour.)
I don’t know how to tell the difference in his moods.
They change too often, and too quick.
QUESTION:
Would this be a symptom?
My boyfriend will be in the “on edge” mood for about 1-2 weeks.
But it’s not consistent. Like, one minute he’ll say I don’t want to be with you in a very cold, distant, angry way.
But after he calms down he changes his mind, but if we fight he goes back to that stage. And when he has calmed down, everything’s good and he is happy again.
I need to see a therapist to get some help with the situation.
I get so irritated with him, I probably help trigger it.
ugh.
Long post, sorry.
Brie hope you have a GREAT Christmas. This is easy,
1. His Mother is an enabler
2. Phobia, suggest he isn’t comfortable himself
3. Outburst of anger may mean built up, the pressure cooker relationship you may have.
4. Money issue maybe based of self worth again, example I will buy my way out of my condition example if I buy these shoes or this bag I may feel better.
5. Be mindful we males would like you girls to be like our mother (sick stuff)
6. You can salvage this relationship work on yourself, self love
Heaps sorry I have to run
Jay2
xxxx
Hi FLo,
This is my first time visiting this site. It was such a relief to read all of the posts. I felt like someone truely understood what I am going through. Your post struck me the most though cuz it hit so close to home. Although your post was months ago (April) I am curious to hear how it ended up. The man that you described, your boyfriend, sounded like the clone of my boyfriend of 7 months. I relate to the mood swings from emotional/crying (easiest to deal with cuz I can console & reassure him), to angry/verbally abusive & grandoise (hardest to deal with because it is soooo hurtful, selfish & wrong) to depressed. The hardest part is that I love my boyfriend dearly. When things are good he is the funniest most charasmatic person. He is an intense lover & gives his whole heart. He is cerebral/intellectual & the strongest willed person I know. He never gives up. However, not knowing whether I will see Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde day by day is such a struggle & the only thing other than love that keeps me is the fact that the good man I know eventually returns. He recently broke up with me, but this is not a first. He returns on his accord. Our biggest issue is he wants me to move in with him. He has a son & I have children as well. I would have no problem with this if it was an ordinary situation, because the love is there & I know his is real; however, there are some things I have trouble getting over. I do not want to subject the kids to his constant tirades. Also, I do not know if this will change with me moving in, which he says it will. When he is angry he can become belligerent….swearing and attacking any & everyone he feels has ever did him wrong, and he hurts the ones he is closest to the most…me & his brother. His fear of his father keeps him in check, but he berades him as well. I just want him to get well & be happy. It saddens me deeply to see him in torture, but it angers me that he puts me through his torture & expects me to forgive & forget. He has difficulty taking responsibility for his actions & even when he does it is always someone elses fault in the end cuz of something they did not do for him (his perception is his reality, but it is so twisted & deluded when he is going through his shit). Often times he comes back and says you were right I am sorry & we are back on the happy train, but how many times do we need to go through turmoil & drama before he realizes that he would be better off staying on the happy train. His thoughts are so selfish..its about him & what everyone does to him, but what about me & everything you do to me??? oooops he never sees it as his fault & even when he does it happens repeadetly…just like physical domestic violence. Am I stupid to stay? Do I not get it? I have been trying to do more research and it helps in giving me a better understanding, but it does not help ease my feelings. Sometimes I feel like he is going to make me either depressed, anxious or bi-polar myself because of all the stress. I try my hardes to help him as much as I can, but it is never enough. He always compares me to his mother (in a good way), but its almost like he is looking for a replacement for his mother that was never there when he was a child. When he drinks & smokes it depends on his mood…it always starts off good, but ends up in one of his tirades like everything he has been holding in comes out like a volcano. I try to rear him away from these things, but at 22 you have to start learning on your own what is good & not good for you. Its like his repeatitive consequences are not enough…He has lost so much…got kicked out of the navy, school, lost his football scholarship…what more do you need to learn from!?! I try to guide him, but that is a thin line, because sometimes he gets a little paranoid & will take my help as if I am against him….Confused, In Love, & Hurting….Please Help
Lisa,
I thought I was reading about my relationship for a second there. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle and deal with my situation the best way I can. This site definitely helps me whenever I am feeling weak and like I just can’t take it anymore. As for the perception is reality thing, I agree with you one hundred percent. I tell my boyfriend the same thing all the time, and it’s frustrating because you know what is going on and what’s right and wrong with it and NO matter what you say or do, they don’t understand or get it. It’s difficult, and sometimes I feel like I am losing it.
If you’re in this for the keeps I would recommend getting a therapist or going with your boyfriend to see his (assuming that he has one) to help you get through the hard times. You need to make sure that you are still caring for yourself because so often we get caught up in taking care of our partner, we forget to take care of ourselves and make sure our needs are being met. It’s a hard fight, but he needs to be wanting to fight it with you. You will not be able to fight this horrible roller coaster of emotions alone. Is he on any medicine currently? I am having some issues with my boyfriend’s medicine, it doesn’t really seem to be helping much but we are working on changing that.
This is really a hard battle and sometimes I feel so lost and unsure of what to do, when that happens come to this site and talk to us. We understand every once of pain you are encountering and can be a great support group.
Anyways,
Welcome to the site. I am fairly new as well.
Best regards,
Brie
Jay2
Thank you, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas as well.
Just an update, I feel like things are going to be alright and that I will be able to manage and stay strong through this relationship. Breaking up is no longer an option with me, as I would never try this hard for anyone else.
Things have been going really well this last week. We are going to the movies and getting something to eat afterwords! Something we haven’t done in months.
I am also planning on doing more for myself, as I realized I haven’t done much or thought much about me. I’m thinking poker game with some girlfriends and what not? Not sure yet though. Just whatever I can find to help with self love.
( those read this)
Brie
great to hear that things are going well, Christmas
well ate heaps hay.
Remember the emotional waves, you have to surf. Its Ok….
I am so happy you are working through this, my partner an I have come a good way too, this site has helped me,
on November 23, 2009 at 1:13 am was the turning point for you , you do inspire people…. BE proud of yourself….
Keep me posted …..
Jay2
XXX
Brie,
Thanks for your comment. Its validating to know that I am not the only one that is struggling. My boyfriend has admitted that he has bi-polar, but quickly became defensive when looking at gettig help was the next part of the conversation. He went on a tirade about how the mental health system is a bunch of garbage & people in other countries do not even use this bullshit…etc…. I never tried to go there again, because it ended up in a really bad way. I do not currently see a therapist, because I feel like this is really his battle. If he were open to seeing one then it would make more sense for me to see one as well or work with him in his sessions (however the therapist saw fit). Right now I am at the point where I have to decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. He is know trying to manipulate our relationship to get me to move in…if i do not move in then there is no sense in us being together is his perspective, but he refuses to look at how his behavior is the reason for me not wanting to move in & the fact that moving in with someone & giving up wat u have is a HUGE commitment. I love him dearly, but today I feel like I am not going to be manipulated into making a huge decision. If the love is real he will still be with me, but if not he will allow his selfish thoughts & feelings to take over & reshuffle me in his list of priorities to the bottom in which case I think we will be done for good. It is a hard decision & I have went back & forth and still have days that I want to give in, but I am going to be strong, because he is not right & needs some help. The crazy thing about this whole thing is he is so one point when it comes to people on the outside (work, community, etc…) No one, except those close to him would even know he had a problem. I guess I was once one of those people & now I am on the other side wondering where to go from here. Thanks for taking the time out to give some of your advice. It was appreciated.
Hi guys…
I want to thank you all for making everything clearer to me. It has been 3 months I am dating a wonderful man with Bipolar. the first 2 months were just wonderful spending long evenings drinking and having a laugh… sharing ideas and talking for hours.. sometimes just chilling watching a good movie.. etc… He is very charismatic and funny.. until Christmas arrived. He had to visit his family, so I spent christmas with a very nice group of friends, and I was texting him pictures to make him feel involved. Then he started sending nasty text messages out of the blue, that I am not a good friend, and that I was a “prick” and even wanted to send back my Christmas present… I went into a depression, really confused and not understanding the reason behind these messages. Then he ignored me completely the next day until we had a chat the day after, and he apologized for his behaviour, and that he wants us to be only friends for now. Heartbroken, I was already in the process of getting over him, until he contacts me the next day, being very nice and sweet asking me to see him. we spent the most amazing 2 days together (until this morning).. I am hoping this would last but I know that he will disappear on me again for few days ignoring my messages etc. What I would like to ask … is it better in these cases to leave him alone, without sending text messages and give him space to let him come back to me? or is it always good to remind him that I am here.. waiting for him (even though It sounds pathetic… but I really do wait for him – the highs are just MAGIC… and the lows.. MY GOD… makes me completely depressed). I am reading a lot about this lately, and it is allowing me to understand better. I am a passionate person, and I can’t possibly turn my back just because he is bipolar.
Thanks again and happy new year to all!
Orlando
HAPPY NEW YEAR WEST AUSTRALIA TIME 1 JAN 2010
jay2 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
HAPPY NEW YEAR WEST AUSTRALIA TIME 1 JAN 2010
jay2 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy New Year’s everyone!
Lisa,
I have been battling this with my boyfriend for 2 years. He can shove out the problem and pretend nothing is wrong if he wants too, but you will never be able to do so. I’m kind of in the same boat as you with trying to get my boyfriend to acknowledge his behavior and he is slowing seeing it for what it is, after many failed attempts of course. I moved in with my boyfriend approximately a year ago and things weren’t as picture perfect as I had imagined, I actually thought that things might have a better turn for our relationship when it was in fact the exact opposite. My boyfriend was constantly kicking me out, and saying he doesn’t wanna be with me, and a bunch of crap. I eventually concluding he was doing this in his depression cycle, whenever there seemed to be a pattern. He always wanted me gone when he was depressed, which I later discovered why. It’s because I am supposed to be the one keeping him happy, and because he didn’t recognize, or understand that it’s his bipolar which makes him depressed, he blamed me for it and wanted the “thing” out of his life causing his depression, “me”. One day, I sat down and had a talk about this with him about my theory, and he just looked at me almost in tears and said, “You’re making me feel like I’m crazy.” It’s hard to define what is normal and not to them, because as someone posted before, “His perception is his reality.” I guess what I am trying to get at, is I wouldn’t suggest moving in with him until he gets some form of treatment. Whether not he breaks up with you because you don’t move in, you may encounter it several times during the living in. Everyone is different, but from my experience, I just wouldn’t recommend it unless you can put forth the kind of strength it will take you to deal with this if he won’t. Good luck on your decision making process, and I wish you well. Happy New Year’s.
Orlando,
I think it would be better to just give him the space he needs for awhile, if it will make you feel comfortable, send him one text letting him know you are there for him and care for him and if he ever needs to or wants to talk he can always count on you, or whatever you see fit. I know it’s heartbreaking and it hurts, but he will come back after he clears his head and does whatever he thinks he is needing too. Maybe he was upset about not being able to spend time with you on Christmas and was a little heartbroken that he was not there with you and is taking it out in a different way. Just an idea, but I don’t know him or you, just a thought. Hope all is well with you, and good luck!
Hi Brie,
Thanks for your reply… : ) I think you are completely right, about giving him time to clear his head. yesterday I have realized that I might be stressing him by asking him if he is OK all the time! The problem is that I tend to think that it is something I have said or done that made him feel upset. I have decided to take few steps backwards and see what happens. It is very hard as it stands.. I wish I could make it go away. Thanks for your advice Bree, and I wish you a very good year!
Orlando
orlando, Brie and all
Hope you’ve had great Christmas; mine was a very busy one.
I had a alone Christmas new year, my partner went out with her friends while I stayed home, She needs the time out, it’s like having your own personal therapist if I went along.
Just when I thought I Knew everything, my partner fell off the wagon.
I know I have little self worth as it is.
While I was being heavily abuse by my partner, I was in the process of making a cup of coffee for myself it was only when I looked down that I noticed that I was pouring water into the coffee container and not the cup.
Each word I used was invalidated with a sharp hook like response that would defame my inner being
It’s very hard and painful not to personalize the abuse from your partner; most of your personal information becomes talked about to her friend.
There is nothing sacred.
I know I can have most of the answers; I have just hit a dead end now.
This is where I need to consult my directory the GPS of life’s road.
I went to the shop to get a small item, I couldn’t look at people I felt I was the scum of the earth.
My tears have all dried like a desert; my words are cold as frozen ice.
Between these paradigms of my emotions are blown into a million particle.
The counter person smiled and asked “How was your day sir ?
I am sure they all go to counter School to ask that question.
My empty glaze looked into nothingness as I said “Good” My head was thinking let me get out of here.
I was just about to dash to freedom when I heard “Sir Sir” “You’ve left your keys and here is your change” replied the counter girl.
I have just realized the power is in my self love my inner peace, compassion not into waring.
orlando there is nothing that you have done its just is. Its about someone who is unwell. There are hard wired that way.
Take care
Jay2
Brie, & those who read this
I am stabilizing my thoughts now and it’s becoming clear as time passes.
I take some responsibility for not being aware of this situation.
There is a cause and an effect, I am not the ideal male, I am very quick to put my hand up if I made a mistake and I will try and do it better.
Moral: Be aware of the waves you cannot see, always make allowance for your fall.
Take people
Jay2
Hi All,
I’m back….from outerspace…. you know how it goes.
Merry belated Christmas and a Happy 2010 to all reading.
Well after a lot of arguments and talking, she has finally admitted that there is something wrong, and she doesnt know who she is at all, that she is empty when she looks within. AND that she needs help. Thank god for miracles, they do actually happen.
That she hasnt really brought up the subject of her affairs, or that she tried to justify that the recent one WASN”T an affair as she deems an affair as a “relationship” and she doesnt think it was at that stage yet, but letters read otherwise.
Everything has been pushed under the carpet again as she needs some “joy” so that she can handle the bad stuff when it comes.
who knows what will happen???
Jay2,
I feel like that most days. I guess we just all get through these things as time passes. I’m sorry you had to spend Christmas and New Year alone.
David,
Welcome back!
Happy Holidays to you as well.
Glad to hear she had recognized that something is wrong and I wish you the best of luck in helping her figure out how to fix her mistakes or how to deal with them..
Hi All,
Thanks Brie, I can only hope and pray that she actually actions her fears rather than pushing them away and then saying “I was only going through a rough patch, I’m OK now, nothing to worry about”.
I think thats going to be the next call from her.
Glad to hear you’re going to ride the wave, and stick it out. I have said to myself that I’m going to do the same, and see what can be salvaged and improved in our relationship.
But my new mantra is ” HOPE FOR THE BEST, AND PLAN FOR THE WORST”. I think thats what we all do anyway, but it helps to keep saying this to yourself if you do want to stay in a relationship with your partner.
Do everything you can to make the relationship better, dont rely on your partner to do anything or what they should be “expected” to do (you’ll be waiting a REALLY long time), but have a plan ready so that if it does blow up, you are prepared. Hopefully you’ll never have to use it, but if you do, at least you’ll know what has to be done.
Its a realists way of looking at the situation, as thats what we are… realists. We look at reality and live it. Our partners do it part of the time. We cant control them, only ourselves.
Jay2, I’m so sorry you had the holiday season in such a bad place. How are you going now??
Take some time out for yourself. Better yet, come to Australia and I’ll take you to the beach and teach you to surf!!! I really hope you have gone through the worst of it (again), and that you are better.
Just ride those waves…… and dont fall off!!
Thank you to everyone who has posted on this site. Everyone’s input is so helpful. My daughter and I are both very deeply in love with untreated bipolar sufferers. I have questions about terminology that they use. Can anyone explain why they call themselves ” monsters”. Can anyone explain why they have to go into their “cocoons”. Can anyone explain why they don’t want to go on meds because ” they don’t want to lose their superpowers”. Why do they say they are incapable of ” feeling emotions for anything”. I love my husband of 11 years to death, but this last low was just too low for him and he sent me away. It is very hard to be supportive of him when he just wants to be left alone. I would love to hear from someone who can relate to this terminology. Thank you so much.
hey mary jo it is really tough, but i am epiletpic and have been since young, I hate meds and the meds they have can be horrific especially the antipsychotics. but the other mood altering ones arent so bad like lithium.
I think guys have to go into their coccoons anyway so it makes it difficult to to differentiate going into the cavew aftewr an argument to going into a cocoon during a mood problem.
with respect to the manic phase its like a high so why would they want less, i just say to my wife that you have to pay for a high with a low and its much better for the family and yourself to be roughly on track. I found that if the lows get too self indulgent i say that for your children you need to get up or sometimes i unpick the problem once or twice, or sometiems just insist they jump on the trampoline that works too, i think distraction to do what they are goosd at is important, try sex that also seems to work whn thety are depressed. and it doesnt do the partner anything bad either we all need to know ee are desired. Well i hope that wasnt total crap if so i apologise and will bury my head in the sand again.
Dave Brie Mary jo all ya
Davo great to hear from you hope you are well
Dave it like we have the same partners, and we are all caring people beacuse we want to work this stuff out.
I Know what you are going though. Look after number one you.
I want to share this:
We have the best beaches in west OZ, Quobber is a left hander thats on the North West Coast, most of the “windy” head over to Gero (Geraldton).
I sat off Quobber Beach as a child and used to watch those beautiful waves each wave has a sound.
These sounds have many dimensions.
The more close you get to the ocean you can hear the roar,
sit at the edge where the water meet the sand there is another sound, there is a rhythm as it laps gently on the sand.
Yet so fierce when you are out at sea.
Then when you dive under the ocean, it’s so calm what a paradox.
It’s like our emotions, the closer you get to the source of it the more intense it becomes.
Go under your emotions you find the source of where and how you have come to this situation, and then you become calm because you addressed the issue.
Remember when a wave hits heavy gently go with it, Kelly Slater is incredible I watched in awe how he balance.
It’s like emotional balance something we all can learn from.
Take care Dav
Mary Jo “cocoons” moments are hard to deal with at the best of times.
The best support is to let him have it, detach from him emotionally it’s like you have a 2 deferent partners one loves you and the other one hates you.
The love and hate fuse is blown so they cross into these deferent paradigms of love and hate.
I’ve just come out of an “emotional bender”. My partner went off the rails I went into “manic panic” We always wait for them knowing they will return home.
Try speaking with him when he is happy, less threatening moment for him and speak with him.
Has he got a friend that you can speak with about his down moments and maybe then he can speak with your parnter about his medication.
Mary jo you remember to restore your self because this can be so emotional draining
Takecare
Jay2
XXX
How are yo Brie I thought of you when I saw this, how are you going ?
Hope you are well ? Brie you sound solid
ANNE FRANK:
Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn’t know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong.
Take care
Darl
Jay2
well heare i am 2 and a half mon ths after my wife of 18 years was diagnosed adhd and I cant believe it is so good, well reasonably so,… in November my son tried to commit suicide 3 times in one day my partner just statred at him the first time and a branch broke otherwise!!! He then tried it two other times and I stopped other attempts, my god that was close. Then three days later my wife had a major manic attack and two days after that she was taken forcibly away from the family. It was surreal she was in hospital for amon th. I sent my son away to grandams and unlces 8000miles away and since then he is happy again, and now my wife is well m y wife more or less and we are coping again. Back to better than normal i guess. Wow its difficult i thought i was going to lose her and she was going to run off to another country. She wrote a book in 6 mon ths during her extended manic phase, most of its gibberish but it has some lovely prose. I just thank those people form the health clinic that took charge cos i had no idea.
When my wife is flat out thinking with pure emotion, when she is set off for whatever reason, she can absolutely be a monster in the sense that she could care less how I feel. She can be warm and loving and then the next day cold and show a complete lack of feelings for me. Almost a white anger. Rage. Monster is the word I use to describe her when she is like that. At that point in time the only person that matters to her is her. The kids become pawns to be used for her war with me in her mind. Completely and utterly selfish. This is driven by fear and survival instincts. She may feel threatened in some way and lashes out to feel strong/in control/powerful who knows. The fact is, there is no compassion or empathy towards the ones they “love”.
This is what drives the people living with someone with the disorder crazy, that is until we leave or understand what is going on because no “normal” human being acts that way or both.
As for the cocoons, when my wife wants to be left alone…I leave her alone.
I used to not do that. I would worry that she would leave me and so would push for her to tell me what was wrong. The fact is I don’t even think she understood what she was feeling and so didn’t know what to tell me or what to think. Usually after some time alone, she would calm down. I have heard that people with these disorders get scared when they feel love or closeness towards someone, don’t trust it, and so pull away before they get hurt. Kind of like I will punch you before you punch me. Or in high school how a kid would break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend first if they heard a rumor that the other was going to break up with them. Where does this originate, genetically, from childhood experiences, possibly both having a predispostion towards it. Not a ton of research has been done, yet think of how many lives it can destroy, not only the person suffering with it, but also family and friends of that person.
Hi all,
I’m new to all of this! But i have had to start reserching and finding some help… I’m not the one who needs the help right now, but to just sit here and type makes me feal like i have a group of people infront of me who know what im going through, That wont talk back but just listen…
My partner and I are Very young, My partner 25 and me 23, we met and Have a child from a past partner we had our own chicl quite quick! we were together about 2 months and we found out we were expecting… sence then we have had our second child together. So now we have 3 wonderful little boys, 5, 3 and 2…
It has been about two years and i have noticed my partner has been different, i went through all the things in my head, is he cheating on me, dose he not love me anymore, Is it me… Well maybe it is both of us..
I love him with all my heart, I feal like the earth is cracking below our feet.. and were falling apart..
For almost two years now he has been on a depression medication called “Efexor” he was on 50mg then they upped it to 75mg then now 150mg… the drug is doing damage i can clearly see that.. It gives him cold sweats, sickness, tirdness and alots more…
We went to the doctors the other day they are not thinking he is ” Manic depresent” they are sending him an hour away from were we live to go and see someone to be diognosed… I hate lables, bit i think we need to know..
He dosnt sleep well at all, always irratable, cranky, bad mood swings, says things to me that hurt, always thinking its my fault anything that goes wrong.. Im starting to belive it till now… But now reading everything above and reserching it myself i can see its not me… He has an illness…
I want to help him the best way i can, i would never leave him over this, he is my everything… But i cant see a light at the end of the tunnle…
Little things like im such a chatty person and love to enjoy people company, he hates it when i am chatty, he says “i talk shit” Maybe i do? he never wants to do anything anymore, he still hold drudges against people, when i think to myself get OVER it… But i wont dare to say that..
All i want is a normal life a life were we can go out with friends for dinner an not be worried he will snap at one of them…. not be worried that he is unconfterble… I love him i really do.. i dont think he really knows that!!! The part of him that is not sick im sure he knows i love him, but that part were he is sick with this illness i feal he thinks i dont really care at alll…
If anyone has any advice please write to me…
And for all of you out there dealing with the same thing i am, I take my hate off to you!!! Just lend me some of your advise i swear ill give it back as time goes on….
That ment to say ” I take my hat off to you”
Chloe,Jay2 david everyone.
Hi guys i havent been on in a while. My update is that my partner is home now for the last few weeks, everything looking up has appointment with the psyciatrist next week and it cant come soon enough. He is still on a little of the anti depressant seroxat this is a horror pill and hopefully the psyciatrist may change to something else. Living with someone who has bipolar would be straight forward if they take the proper medicine. Some days you can talk to my partner and he will be fine and other days he switches to that nasty person which is very frightening. Hang in there Chloe at least he is getting proper help and the future may not be so bad. I know exactly what you mean about family occasions and doing regular things i feel the same way waiting on my seat to make sure he doesnt take something up the wrong way and start arguing with someone. Also the grudges he holds against people are way over the top too. Let me know how he gets on write back
Im new to this but this is so txt book of my husband, He walked out on me and my son for a 25 yr old girl who doesnt want him, He’s 45. But he tried to leave 2 yrs ago but I ended up having surgery and it seemed like he snapped out of it, but it was with the same girl, who at the time lived here. So she txted him in July 2009, I read it and there was nothing to it, she was being a smart a** but in his head she was wanting him, So in Sept. 2009 he walked out, it took me a few months to figure everything out but he is Bi Polar and wont get help, he says there is nothing wrong with him, but all the signs are there and have been there for all these yrs, we have been together since I was 16, we just had our 23rd anniversary.
I have been a stay at home mom for all these yrs and now he tells me that I should of went to work but any time I told him I wanted to get a job he told me no cause I do everything around here and take care of the kids, so I make his life easier, and now he tells me that he just told me that to make me feel good, The mean things he says are crazy, I get blamed for everything under the sun,
But his father killed his mother and Im starting to think I really need to be careful, when he first left he was trying so hard to get that girl back to AZ but she wont come, so he would go into these rages with me and my son, he told me at the time he wanted no contact with me cause he was trying to work on his relationship with her, so he was getting mad cause he couldnt control her, so he took everything out on me, here’s another crazy part of this, before he moved out and before I figured out he was bi polar I asked him to have sex with me to see what he would say, and he told me no cause he would feel like he was cheating on that girl, I was blown away since Im the wife,
As of now he has been moved out since Sept. 2009 and he is paying the bills, but of course its hard to split 2 households, Im trying to find a job but it isnt easy since I have been a stay at home mom, I have cut contact with him, layed down rules with him, blocked him from e mailing me, He has nothing to do with out 14 yr old son, we talk on payday but he usually likes to start conflict with me, so Im learning more everyday about bi polar and how to act, its hard cause of the hurt he has caused, and he lies so much, I did catch on to those through the yrs but could never put it all together, I have called him out on some of them but then he would get really mad and start fights with me, he took all the bills over to, when I have been paying them for the 23 yrs we were together,
Im still waiting for divorce papers since he will say were getting a divorce everytime he is mad, but hasnt done anything about it.
He doesnt get along with people either cause he always has to be better then the person hes talking to, I seen that all the time but just thought he was an asshole, he was in the military for 20 yrs so just thought it was cause of that, but now I see all the signs were there,
He never got help when he was a kid after his dad did what he did.
Im trying to move on with my life now, and take care of my son, I will never be back with him, to many hurtful things have been said and done, and how could you trust again. If he wont help his self then there is nothing more I can do.
He was always worried about what people would say at work, he was afraid they were talking behind his back, At work they call him PMS man, everything has to be his way, he always has to have the control of everything and everyone.
afraid
Chloe, Candi David everyone. Welcome aboard Cloe and Candi I m back after a short break….
Candi with all this stuff happening you got have to stop and go to your inner peace inner love, this is the best medication.
There appears to be so much happening, you may think this is the end of your world, but this is just a new beginning where you will find the beautiful you.
You have a choice to take the blame or not to take the blame exercise that choice in not taking the blame.
Blame is someone else’s escape. When you give yourself up you are giving up inner self.
by someone having total control over you are at their mercy, don’t give them that satisfaction.
gently take back your true self the authentic you that been hidden amongst this abuse.
When someone puts you down get up for your own sake don’t lay down for more abuse.
Self love will open the door to an infinite universe.
Remember don’t hate them because you become like them, you cannot fight fire with fire.
Empowerment is to forgive for your benefit not the oppressor.
Reading your TXT you appear to be boiling on the inside, you can regulate that by having time out for your self.
I hope I can be of help take care, make time your closest friend
Well said Jay 2
At first when he would blame me for everything I really thought it was all my fault but as time has went on and some of the crazy things he has said to me, knowning none of it was true, I knew then it wasnt my fault.
I have never understood why he would do all this to our 14 yr old son, he starts highschool this yr and his dad will not be involved in his life, but I know life is only about the bi polar person.
He use to tell me he would kick me out of my own house, since I dont work he thinks he has all the control, until I finally talked to a lawyer I see all the things he has threaten me with is bull, he told me I was living in my house rent free, LOL how crazy is that.
Do they really know what there saying ? Im trying to understand all this but some things are so far out there, you just think, Really did he just say that.
I have tried to get his family involved in getting him help but they say nothing is wrong with him but they live in another city and for 23 yrs was maybe around him 10 times, but Im the crazy one and hes not. So I have given up trying to get him help, what ever happens to him is not my fault,
I had my daughter/son in law move in with me, plus I have my 14 yr old son, so were getting through all this together, but life isnt easy, jobs are very hard to come by right now to, We live in a little town in Az. But thank you Jay, any more info you can give me would be nice.
Thanks
Hey guys,
I am doing good Jay2. Right now, I am helping my boyfriend build a website. That’s what he is interested in as of now. Things were a little rocky about a week ago only for a few hours and then he went back to normal. We’ve actually been getting a long great, probably the best we have in 2 years. Although, I do fear when this will all change and he will go back to wanting to throw me out again.
Candi, Chloe
Welcome to the site, this really is a great site to go to if you when you need support. I’m sorry about your situations. Candi being married for so long, this can really take it’s toll on you. And Chloe, hang in there, if he is seeking help currently, maybe he will find exactly what he needs.
Stay strong everyone.
I’ll continue checking and updating.
Wow – Thanks for this. I love the way you’ve expressed this. It’s taken me many years to get to a good place, but today I’m feeling like “pushing” again. I have a wonderful loving partner but we are a long distance relationship for the past 3.5 years. Between his two teenage boys fighting all the time when I am here, and the pressure of trying to be together as much as possible without leaving my kids too much, I go insane some days. Thanks for bringing me down to earth. Hugs to you.
Brie,
I have so much faith in you Brie, Notice what you have done in your relationship; you have grown with self love.
Show gratitude to what you have done, and then when the next wave hits you are prepared.
Remember love has no fear associated with it.
Never be afraid to say I love you, Love is a word on its own, it only lives when you put action into it.
Take care love you work Brie
Jay2
xxx
Hi Dawn
They are fighting for your love Dawn Wow I have to go to work time fly
Heaps
Jay2
Candi,
I cant give you anything that you haven’t got, you have everything thats inside of you, that been lock away by your hurt and pain.
Any one project any hurt up on you, is not your pain it their pain. Detach from others who project this up on you.
There is so much resilience with in you, and then you meet someone who want to knock that out of you.
Remember whenever he says bad things about you he saying that about himself.
My partner said I hate you…She added you are so frighten of the world.
My reply was: Yeah I know, it’s something I am working on and as for you hating me you don’t have to shout darling I hear you. I waited for calmness to come over her.
I said I do struggle at times and I appreciate you for helping me build my fear of people.
I do have depression there are times when I couldn’t be bothered with doing anything.
It is in these moments I discover self love.
candi,
you are brilliant when you know that really understand that you will notice your world change for you not for anyone else.
Warmth
Jay2
XXXX
Hi Dawn
They are fighting for your love Dawn Wow I have to go to work time fly
Heaps
Jay2
Ps the sequence is out this is the last post it ended up second last wierd
takcare
Thank you Jay 2
I have been wanting to file for divorce but I know its going to be so nasty on his end cause of his bi polar and there is no reasoning with him, then I have been told to wait it all out and see if he will go get help, Who has filed for divorce from the bi polar husband and how did it go ?
He hasnt even talked to a lawyer cause he has no money and it wont benefit him right now, plus he is pretty much screwed since we have been married for 23 yrs,
I am seeing someone now but its nothing serious and I have been told to not let my husband know I do have someone, I figured he left us so why should I sit around.
My husband has said he thinks hes living in a fairy tale world, and how he is very selfish, I think he sees he needs help but wont do anything about it, Even though he has lost everything, our kids want nothing to do with him, one is 21 and the other 14, so they know everything he has done to me and my husband hates me for the kids knowing everything, but I figured that out cause he doesnt want anyone to know what he is doing or saying cause all he cares about is what other people think of him.
I have gone over my whole 23 yr marriage and there has been signs through out, but I just never understood it all.
I am looking fwd to finding a normal guy, dont say that to be mean but I see now he wasnt normal, we walked on egg shells alot, just thought he was having a bad day at work, I feel so stupid sometimes that it took this long to figure him out.
When all this first started I did let him take our son but the 2 times he did, all he did to our son was talk bad about me, I got a tattoo and he bitched to my son cause I got one, Everything I did he went through our son to talk down about me, he told both kids I slept with someone, I never did that, He makes up stories as he goes along, I was finding myself is self defense mood all the time, he turned 1 friend against me, but thats fine cause he was never a freind to begain with, others have seen right through him and are helping me out, just evil things like that, and I had female issuse 2 yrs ago and had half of my female parts taken out and It came back boardline cancer cells so I have to be check every 6 months and he told me the other day , that if something is wrong at my check up that he doesnt feel sorry for me, How can they be so cold.
I just know that Im looking fwd to living my life and having a good time, no one to control me anymore and I just turned 40, so Im not old and can have fun.
Thank you Jay so much
Jay, David, and Panda,
Thank you so much for your responses to my “terminology” questions. My husband sent me and my daughter away two months ago after eleven years of marriage. He said he had “checked out emotionally”, that he needed to go into his “cocoon” in hopes of coming out like a butterfly. He admits he is bipolar but doesn’t want to get help because he likes his “superpowers.”He also has always been terrified of the side effects of prescription meds. Like so many other people posting, he was my life. Everything I did was to assure that he was always happy, and I gladly did it because as long as he was happy, everyone was happy. But the fact that he just threw me and my daughter away ( I never would have expected that in a million years, I thought we were the couple that was together till death do us part) is so hurtful. At first he would send me text messages saying, ” I am sorry I am such an ass….e. I love you so much and you will always be my wife.Those messages became less and less frequent. I tried to tell him, ” Married people do not live apart, this is not normal and it is so hard.” He wouldn’t budge, but continued to send mixed signals. Finally, at the two month mark, I gave him my second ultimatum. ( For the first two months I missed him so much and cried all the time for him, I even woke up crying) He told me he was sick of the nastygrams and it is time to get divorced.( I sent him so many loving messages, but I did send the two messages saying I can’t live like this. He knew how much I missed and loved him. (I am five hours away from him) Like so many other people that have posted, I was a stay at home wife and mother without marketable skills. I had the good credit when we first got married so I am stuck with all of the bills. I am trying very, very hard to find a job but haven’t been able to. Last week, I decided to file for divorce myself. They are not serving him for another week per my request. I didn’t ever want to get divorced, but isn’t two months a long enough cocoon time? If he really loved me, wouldn’t that have been enough time to figure that out? He could be cheating. I don’t know. He moved out of our marital house into a new apt. that he wont give anyone the address to. Even last week, I talked to him( he had been drinking) he was crying and saying he just wanted to die. He wished he could just find a way to end his life so I could get his life insurance. I truly was very compassionate and told him that I wished I was there to hug him and asked him if he would come to where I was. He doesn’t seem to want to see me, but why does he keep telling me he loves me and always will. It is a rollercoaster that I can’t figure out.
Member how I said that everything was going good, and I was waiting until the next time he was wanting to break up again. It happened, and it hit hard. I wasn’t even expecting it, let alone prepared. He was drinking and his mom set him off, he bashed a skateboard against his head (bipolar with psychotic features). I went outside to talk to him and he told me to leave him alone so I did. I went back out a couple minutes later and he was gone. I had his keys so he was on foot. I went walking around for 2 hours searching for him, looking in the woods and everything. Couldn’t find him anywhere. He has been gone for 12 hours now, and I just found him. He walked 4 miles to his friend’s house, whom I had already called and told me he wasn’t there. Lucky for me, his friend’s girlfriend is my best friend so she told me the truth. I called him, asked why he took off and didn’t bother to call, and all he could say was, “sorry”. I asked him to come home and he said he wouldn’t be returning, he wanted his freedom and he didn’t care if he left. He also said he didn’t love me anymore. What hurts more, is our anniversary is on Saturday.
I have had 3 hours of sleep, I have been up all night worrying and there is no way I am going to be able to sleep now.
Basically, I am pissed off and I don’t know what to do.
He hasn’t had this bad of an episode in a long time and my head won’t understand that its not him doing this.
Update:
After some serious thought to the above situation, I have decided to move to a different state and stay with my step mom. If my boyfriend isn’t willing to try and work out his issues, I sure as hell can’t do it for him. I love him very much and think the best thing that I can offer him is to leave him. Let it hurt him a bit, and maybe he will realize what he lost and want never to make that mistake again and go get some help. He is afraid of being crazy, so he tries to live his life as normally as possible without realizing that some of his choices are more harmful then helpful.
Hi everyone.
I hope you are all ok. Brie i know exactly what you are going through and it is hell, when my boyfriend got like that he disconnected everyone he really loved along with all the blame. I posted on here a few months ago and give updates on my situation regularly. Good news at my end, i got my partner after 4 long years to go see a psychiatrist. YEH!!! We went to see him the other night, he told my partner that he wanted to put him on seroquel, my partner is a qualified surgeon who never accepted that there was anything wrong with him. If you look at my previous posts you will see how bad he got. Briefly he had a psychotic episode and went to prison, yes thats how bad it got.! However sometimes things have to go rock bottom for them to realise that they have a problem. I was his enabler i took all his anger and abuse on and off for 4 years but i loved the sweet man in the middle of the chaos. Anyway on the drive home in the car he told me that he liked himself the way he was and he was not going to take the seroquel. I told him how difficult it was living with him when he gets manic and amazingly he has agreed to take the seroquel There is a god for i cant believe that he has eventually agreed to take the right meds. He is starting on this today. Does anyone know anything about this drug. If so i would love to hear. And to everyone else hang in there because i really thought that there was nothing left in my relationship because of all the turmoil but when everything gets at its worst in this life a light can be thrown. Good Luck everyone xx
I feel as if I can relate to so much of what has been said. I am only 19, and I know I have bipolar, on first examination it was supposed to be BPD, but my moods are way worse then that. I am a very up down kind of girl. I push people away because I don’t want to let them in, I have been hurt so many times before that I fear it for the rest of my life. I have suicidle thoughts all the time, haven’t done anything yet, although when I was younger I use to.
I have been on effexor, that only made my world collaspe (well, what was left of it) I went off them without speaking to the doctor. Doctors never really do anything for me, and I am too stubburn to never go back.
I hate the fact that I can be so nasty to people I truely care about. I say the nastiest things at times and then pretty much pray for forgiveness and explain my fucked up actions. And then that leaves me questioning what they really think of me and it starts all over again. It makes me hate myself all the time that I can’t think “normal”. (what ever is considered normal)
Life is unfair, it’s unfair that so many people don’t understand what it’s like to have it. I don’t have any friends, It’s not that I treated them like shit (totally the opposite) I guess people just don’t understand my world and they don’t even bother wanting to try.
It annoys me that a lot of people these days don’t understand mental illness’s. They brush it off their shoulder and think it’s all a load of crap that people do for attention and sympathy. They think that until the person turns on them, then it is just classified as crazy. People annoy me because they don’t understand me, I barely do but at least I can reckonise I have a problem, and those arseholes that say differ, haven’t realized theirs yet.
I just think more time and money should be funded into the mental health system and people should start taking these disorders seriously. A person doesn’t have a choice with things like this. They can’t help it, and sure as hell feel that they want to be different to what they are.
I have been married to my husband for 11 years. He was diagnosed w/bipolar about four year into our marriage. When he is having an episode he turns against me and tells me that he needs to be alone, doesn’t want to be married, he thinks i deserve better, he has too many issues and so on. We have survived through many years of his depression and 4 major episodes. I believe that he is going through an episode now, as many of them that I have been through I still can’t see them coming. He became very quiet and then very agitated when I asked him what was wrong he said nothing and well the look in his eyes told me that he was lying. The look is an emptiness, very hollow expression. We have been trying to have a baby for the past 4 months and now he is telling me that he wants one for the wrong reasons. I think the baby talk was his trigger to this major episode. Just a few weeks ago we bought a truck and he was telling his family that we are going to try and have a baby and want to buy a house next year. He was happy and so excited…. we were at a good place. Now he says that it was all a lie and he only said it because that is what i wanted. He even said that he hasn’t felt good about us in ten years and that it should have ended along time ago. Now he wants to move out and says he will be gone in a few days. I am dumbfounded, his words really cut a knife through me. Do I let it go and hope that he comes out of it soon and back to the real him? he is so angry and hostile and so stressed. I am just sick over all of this…it just came out of nowhere and now i have to make a decision. If anyone has any advice please help me understand or tell me how you’ve handled a similar situation. -Jen
Jen, I just went through the same thing as you. I have been married for 11 years also. I have been through many episodes also that I waited out for the normalcy to return. I thought my husband thought I was the perfect wife and my world revolved around him. Everything I did was to make him happy. He always told me things like, “I always said I would never get married, but then I met you.” A week after the last time he told me this, he told me he didn’t want to be together anymore. Either I had to leave or he had to. We divided our belongings and we decided I would move to my mothers 5 hours away who is 88 and needed care. So I left and I really thought he would realize that we were suppose to be together forever and that he would never find someone who loves him like I do. I thought he would come after me. I want to tell you, this didn’t happen so if you really, really love him, fight for him. I hate to see you go through all the pain and hurt that I have and still am going through to try to figure out why this happened. The sad thing is, unless they get the right treatment, it will probably happen again. I think people with bipolar must have such a strong hold on the people that love them because of the intense highs and lows we go through with them. After reading all these posts about what the partners are put through, people who haven’t loved them just can’t understand why we have endured what we have with our spouses or partners. They haven’t lived it. I don’t know about your husband, but mine will not get the treatment he needs. He doesn’t want his “superpowers taken away” and it seams that he is enjoying his man cave where he doesn’t have to have any “emotional attachment” with anyone. He said, like yours, that I deserve better and he will always love me. That I am etched in his heart. Please don’t let the mixed messages mess with you. Please concentrate on taking care of yourself in case he doesn’t come back. I know you don’t want to hear that, either did I, but they are so unpredictable that you have to be able to take care of yourself. I will pray for you and all partners that are being affected by this disease.
I am not very good with words for prayers, but maybe some of us should start a prayer chain here and just post prayers for all of the people who post here as well as their partners and for a cure for all of those afflicted with this ailment. I willl try:
Dear Lord,
In Mathew 21:22 you promise, If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. I believe you are a compassionate Lord and you can see what all of these people are suffering through. Some in the name of love and some because this was dealt to them. Please Lord, stretch your loving hands out to all of these people here and bless them and their relationships. Please heal the afflicted or lead them to the right doctors to get them the proper treatment. Please raise awareness to this ailment so an effecient cure can be found. I know if we believe Lord, anything is possible through you. Thank you Jesus, Praise you Jesus. We believe you will come to our aid. In Jesus’ name, Thank You for your healing Amen
You are so right Mary Jo,
Mine left out of the blue after 23 yrs married, We have a 14 yr old son that he has no contact with, I waited to but its been almost 5 months and it is time to move on, take care of yourself Jen, I look at it this way, Now is the time for me.
Im going in March and having a tummy tuck done for myself, all these yrs its been about him, not anymore.
I have cut ties with my husband cause all he ever wants to do is get ahold of me to start fights, and since I have learned alot about bi polar I see thats how they get there highs, and your right Mary Jo about them not wanting to give up there super powers, My husband I swear thinks he is the King and no one knows anything but him, there ego is beyond anything you could imagine.
He said he wanted a divorce but Im still waiting for the papers, I really dont think he wants one, when its payday and he has to pay me and my son so much money, then he finds an excuse to txt or email me, I really think he will try to work his way back into us but never will I allow that to happen, If they cant get help they will just keep hurting us all over again, and Im done with being hurt, He did this 2 yrs ago to but he never moved out and I had to have a mayjor surgery and almost died and he said that woke him up, at the time I didnt know he was bi polar and didnt understand, but now I do.
Jen take care of yourself, you cant fix him, he has to do it his self, life is about you now.
Candi
Thanks Candi, I agree with you also. It is so sad to hear all of these stories and the love and what people are willing to put up with including me. I just can’t stop thinking about my husband and how much I miss him but if someone doesn’t want you, what can you do? My husband left me penniless and with all the bills in my name while I am without a skill. He didn’t want me to work and I made sure he didn’t have to worry about anything after he came home. ( the cars, repairs, the yard work, bill paying, housework, cleaning,cooking,etc., etc.,. I am having a terrible time finding a job, so I had to file for divorce to get some help to pay our marital bills. ( he said he would, but didn’t)To those of you who are still in these relationships, please make sure that you are in a place where you can take care of yourself if things do go down. Enroll in school if you have no skills. Please be prepared. I am not saying it will happen, and I pray it wont, but just do that for yourselves. I hope others will add to the prayer chain above. Together we can make a difference if we ask God.
Mary Jo and Candi, thank u so much for your support and sharing your stories. I really think this time though he will leave for good, he told me leaving me will haunt him for the next 5 years and I know that it will. I get so tired of fighting for him, yet i always hold out hope. He has a strong hold over me even after everything I have been through. Nobody understands why I stay w/him. I am really the only person in his life that gets his illness, his family is in denial. What will happen to him once he moves out kind of scares me especially in the depressed state of mind he is in. I am so used to worrying and taking care of him that it makes it all that more difficult to let go. This morning I helped him change a flat tire. He could not focus and kept saying i can’t do this over and over so then i took over and made it happen. He is the one leaving and he is walking around like he is dying and so disoriented. He said he feels really guilty, he can barely look at me and he never even thanked me for helping him. He probably should be in a hospital, but I don’t have the energy to go through the battle of getting him there. He takes Depakote but it obviously isn’t working. (Maybe because he smokes pot on a daily basis) He never goes to have his levels checked and only sees his doctor for refills.
Candi, u are right, I know i have to take care of myself. I have put my life and me on the back burner for so many years now. This disorder consumes me half of the time. I know that it is not healthy.
Bipolar is an evil thing…it is not fair that so many people have to live their lives fighting to survive it.
Mary Jo, you are so right about making sure u can support yourself once or if they finally leave. I am fortunate enough to have a great career. I have always carried us through financially. I think my husband resented me for many years because I always had it together.
Yes, everyone never count on them financially, in a moments notice they could be gone and you will be left to clean up the mess.
Brieb Mary Jo, AND ALL
Brie Hope you are ok, this is a see/saw effects babe,. We have attracted this in our lives and there are no books on how do we cope.
We all need a support service because of limited education on this topic of survival.
It’s like an ocean of emotion effect, being pulled in all directions, you heart becomes hard and emotionless over time.
The effects of living with someone with bipolar disorder can take its toll, for some to stay in that situation there must be unimaginable love and that’s a lot of giving out love.
What about our self love, where do we find this love?
I am at a stage when we ague and my partner is having a full episode, I first find out if she has been taking her tablets, If attacks me verbally, I accept everything she say no matter how personal the attacks are.
At this point I detach…and in a lower tone I say I agree with what you are saying, I am aware that I may need to change something in me, and that you are not happy with this relationship.
She still shouts, and then she says I’m leaving, I say if that makes you happy I will support you on that. Perhaps you may need the time to think “time out”
It very hard to be non emotional, be strong always make allowance for you one self, your time out yourself; self love is a key that opens your heart to a bigger and brighter day.
Don’t give out too much or you may not have enough for yourself…
I tell her when she returns that I love her, and I care for her, and that she is a special angel, a child of the universe a shinning star inside my heart.
If this fails I retreat, to attend other matters until her emotions are more stableized…
Whe ever she says to me I hate you and anyone who looks like you!
My rely; Wow babe thats alot of hate! sometimes Babe I dont blame you!
Sometimes I dont even like my self at times….so how can I expect that from you.
Hope its not too male response?
Warm Regards’
JAY2
Hi Jay,
I am so grateful for your posts. They always help me. Mine went from being kind and loving for six months to calling the police to get me away from his house… to never contacting me again for nine months…. due to the fact that he had a woman sleeping over at his house…. and believing he was cheating on me, I gave him back the gold chain he had given me… so he, thinking I was dumping him… upped the ante by calling the cops to frighten me away… I was devastated…. I can’t figure out if he was just mean and abusive or bipolar… he had told me he had had major depression, electroconfulsive shock therapy twice, took lithium and visited a psychiatrist every couple of weeks…. what do you think?
… oh I met him again this fall.. things went back to normal for a few months… then bang he’s disappeared again…. no phone calls… but he emails me jokes every few days…. I am so confused…. please let me know your opinion… I know I have to learn to love myself… this if anything is teaching me that my self love was very weak to begin with…. I value your input…… josie
Same here Mary Jo, I just turned 40 and I have my 14 yr old son, and my husband didnt want me to work either, He was in the military for 22 yrs, 17 of the yrs I was in it with him, so I did all the taking care of the kids, I have a 22 yr old daughter to, but he would deploy and it was up to me to take care of everything, and when he came home from work I had everything done to and he wouldnt have to do anything,
But I have the house and he is the one who up and walked out for a 25 yr old girl, who didnt want him, but since she paid attention to him then he just thought wow she wants me, well not so, So now he destroyed this family and didnt get what he wanted. But he was obsessed with some one he couldnt have. He even threw our son away to, all for a girl and he’s 46. But I was told the obsession is caused by the bi polar, he looks for attention.
But he is paying the bills every payday, He knows I have him by the balls, he messes up the courts will have his a**.
23 yrs marriage he will be paying lots of spousal support and child support and plus I get 50 % of his retirement, so maybe thats why he hasnt filed for divorce yet, Im sitting back waiting for the papers,
I just wish he would go and get help, he is going to miss out alot on our son, but those are the choices he is making and I hope he wakes up one day and sees the mess he created.
But now its my time, and its nice not dealing with a raging husband when he comes home from work, or him yelling at our son when he doesnt do good at his baseball game or always having to be right, or having to do everything his way.
Live for yourself now, I really think my husband will come back when he wakes up, but I think it will be to late, I have a man I have been seeing, and to be with a normal man, its been very nice.
Candi
My husband and I are officially separating. He was so low on Sunday and now he is pretty high. A little too happy under the circumstances. He did admit to me that he will have a hard time finding someone like me to put up w/him. I really don’t think he understands how the impact of our separation will be to him. I have been his rock for the past 17 years (dating and marriage). I am leaving the state where we are at now and moving back home when our lease is up in April. He is staying all alone in a computer room of a friend w/no family and very few friends. Interestingly enough, He made a comment that if things don’t work out for him in FL he will move back home too, which is very shocking because he has always been against moving back home. Sometimes when I talk to him he seems like he really knows what he is doing, he is so convincing. so maybe he really does want this. I really can’t figure it out this time. i feel that it is out of my hands now and that it is time for me to let go…to move back home to be w/my family and friends gives me a peaceful feeling. Of course i know it will be hard to get through this but it is time. I want to have children and that will never happen staying waiting around for him. I am so happy to be able to know that so many people out there understand where i am coming from. I have only told one friend of the situation…I guess because if this is just because of an episode I don’t want to have to explain yet again one day we are divorcing the next we are back together. From what I say do you think this is an episode? I do so much research but when it happens i can never tell for sure.
Jen, I’ve been through the break up situation so many times now that I feel like I’m reliving Groundhog day. At first we went though the break up motions, he would leave or I would leave in order for him to move out while I was away. Then he would miss me and change his mind. It became very confusing and a waste of time and energy but the drive to break up continues to resurface so I now try to follow a consistency principle. When my husband tells me that he wants to leave I ask him, out of respect for me, and (considering the past attempts) to show that it is a meaningful choice, to wait one month to see if he can remain with that same final decision for each day consecutively throughout the entire period. At those moments he is completely convinced that it is over and that he will not change his mind. He agrees in full belief that his decision is so genuine that it won’t change. I have to say here that I do respect his decision as being genuine and each time this happens it genuinely does break my heart. But, I have so far been lucky in that he has usually changed his mind and become the loving and very different man within a week or ten days, or if I’m lucky two or three days, occasionally by the following morning. It isn’t an easy life but something keeps me holding on. I think eventually I will loose him but then nothing lasts forever anyway.
Thank you everybody for sharing your experiences…It is so helpful reading your stories, and gives me a sense of ‘normality’ in what I am going through at the moment. My boyfriend of a year has bipolar, and after a fantastic year together, he is currenly going through a manic episode. It was inevitable we were going to experience this together at some point, and I have to say it didn’t scare me atall, I work on the information I have presented in the here and now However, I didn’t realise 3 days into his episode he would end our relationship? I have been pushed away before I have even had the chance to support and be there with him through this. I have still been visiting him and speaking to him on a daily basis, but have no idea if this is the illness, or him genuinely finishing our relationship?? We have had an amazing 6 months, and are so close and connected, it’s uncanny. We have been emotionally open and honest, and worked through mutual fears together…This is why I am soooo confused that he has ended things??? Is this really a common symptom of bipolar? And are there any positive outcomes of experiences with anybody? I am torn between wanting to look after myself and ‘moving’ on amongst all this confusion, but also want to be there for my ‘ex’ boyfriend, so he knows I am here when he gets out of this. He hasn’t had a manic episode in 3 years, and certainly the last year has been very balanced and an amazing inspiration in his practice of life. Aargghh, this is so confusing, and my first experience of bipolar when being emotionally involved with the sufferer! He is also hanging around with people I know he wouldn’t hang out with when he is the guy I know and connect with…Why is this? So bizarre, it’s like he wants to be this completely different character to who he is usually, and who he is, is an amazingly caring, charasmatic, magnetic, warm bloke…COME BACK PLEASE!!! All the best to everybody, and I know for me, things like yoga, exercise and meditation have been very helpful, but we all get days of feeling upset and low, and these are ok too. I would value any comments of advice/anything really. Thank you!!!
Hi everyone.
Wow, so a lot has happened since I last checked in.
I did not end up leaving. The next day after I posted, my boyfriend returned home, telling me how selfish he had been and that he never meant to hurt me or do this to me.
Actually, he said a lot of things he has never said to me before. Of course, it’s hard to force yourself to do something you never wanted to do in the first place (leave). Anyways, things have been going great again. I don’t know if this might come off the wrong way, but I feel like my posts are bipolar. One day I say how great things are, and the next I’m talking about how downhill everything has gone. Anyways, as of right now we are searching for a town home together. I’m very nervous about this, but he wants it so badly, and I just want our lives to be good again. He is going to be seeing a therapist soon, I hope. I have been talking to him about it a lot and he doesn’t think he will benefit from it, but is willing to give it a try.
Bella,
I wouldn’t move on, just yet. I don’t know your boyfriend, but mine is pretty predictable. He always does the same things right before he is about to break up with me. He changes his hair, he hangs out with people he shouldn’t, and listens to a certain type of music which is usually about how women are whores and what not. Anyways, right now the best thing you can do is look after yourself. It’s hard, it hurts and it definitely sucks. Through out my relationship, I don’t think I have encountered so much pain before. You can only hope your boyfriend will snap out of it, and realize what a mistake he has made. I think what seems to work best, in my case, is give him the space he needs and wait for him to realize he is being stupid. Just let him do his thing, and maybe check in to see how he is doing, just to let him know you care.
Zuki-
I do the same thing with my boyfriend. I ask him to wait at least a week and see if he feels the same way about wanting to break up and he changes his mind, usually.
Candi, Jen & everyone else.
Stay strong, and I wish you all the best. This is definitely one tough battle. :/
Bella, and all,
This is like a false sense of reality when you least it
expected you hit the skidds. well that how it is with me now.
I had to get out to get space…WOW
I am tired, I will have to wait for the peron who I know get back into my parnter.
Take care
How are you all are guess what? My partner is back from her episodes.
They only last for 24 hours or more, while this occure I have nowhere to run for Sanctuary. I went to my sisters, she was having an episode as well.
The only option is to drive to the beach or play mu guitar.
I maybe wrong but from my experience with my partner, it appears the emotional level build and build until the grand finale.
After she had come out of the episode I asked her:
tell me what was happening for you? I was so angry with everything she said.
I said to her I do factor in your angry state where you are abusing me with harsh words, the reason why, I full well know that it will pass.
Remember this is like a card game of chance your might pick the wild card at times, choose the inner peace and calmness card put the wild card down for a moment and ponder your next move.
It’s not easy the more you play the better you are.
I am still learning because the rules change
Love and good will to you all
I am so gratefull for all your wondeful comments, its so empowering.
The person wh devised this site bless you thousand time over.
Jay2
I feel for you Jay, God Bless you for hanging in there. You sound like a great person.
Thank you brie and Jay2 for your advice and application from your experience.
Brie, I can relate to what you wrote on the difference in behaviour leading up to one of your boyfriends episodes..On reflection, my boyfriend started to listen to alot of hiphop a week leading up to this phase, and has almost taken on this ‘gangster’ type persona. I suppose it goes hand-in-hand with the delusions of grandeur, and this sense of empowerment they report experiencing…Having the ‘power’ to do whatever they like and not even have any awareness that there are consequences to any actions – being the stereotypical idea of what a gangster is. I didn’t report that my ‘boyfriend’ has also said he is ‘in love’ with another women. This women is an ex girlfriend from about 15 years ago, and I know from what his sister has said that she tends to come up during a manic episode. I also know (maybe I don’t) through our various conversations when he is well and instincts, that he doesn’t love her anymore and doesn’t want to be with her. Does anybody find that there are the same associations that come up during manic episodes that are then forgotten, or regretted when your partner is balanced? Gosh, being my first experience, I am coming from a completely clean slate, so interesting hearing of others experiences, whilst I create my own schema!
Also thank you Brie for your advice. It all sounds like the best way to go, and I am definately working at doing this. I suppose I still have this pull to see my boyfriend, even though I come away with a completely different (low) energy to what I go in with after a visit, it’s tough to go from what you know (seeing each other, having fun, getting on with your relationship) to suddenly, without any warning, taking on a different role. But I will keep going at it…give him space. I am also so worried that this ‘false sense of reality’ (thank you Jay2) is taking up his memory of god knows how long now, and what we had is becoming such a distant memory that will he have anything to go back to, to remind him of what he had before this (if that makes sense). Also, this false sense of reality is really consuming, and obviously, my boyfriend believes all of it right now, it is so easy to get sucked in, because it’s the same exterior and voice saying the words. Man, it’s so tough.. You can’t just dip in and out of a serious relationship.. It has really made me realise how much of yourself you actually put into a relationship, especially when it works! But the most important thing, keep loving yourself – this is the only guanteed continuous relationship. thank you once again, and take care
P.S. Jay2, I love your card game analogy..I will remember this, and try and choose the inner peace and calmness card a little more often than I am at the moment! Instead of playing snap (see what I did there) a little too easily, turning the cards over, and hastily trying to find the card that matches the one/way it did before, to not feel so powerless in the ‘game’. At least knowing you have the inner peace and calmness card no matter what game you are playing gives you the restbite whenever!
Zuki, you don’t even know how your words have given me strength to keep fighting. Thank you! I asked my husband to wait three weeks to make sure he has made the right decision. He agreed to it and went from not looking or speaking to me to having conversations and meals together, but he still says he is leaving. most of the week went well, except tonight when he tells me again that it is best for him to leave. it is a week today and the episode has not ended, bu the is still is home.
Brie: it is such a tough battle and it takes every ounce of energy away, but if they come back it is worth the fight to me.
Bella: my husband never remembers what he put me through each episode, to him it always feels like a real break-up, one time he actually asked me to divorce him and then remarry. I think at times he is embarrassed so he won’t discuss the episodes even if he does remember.
jay2: u’re right about the cards, each day is a new adventure and the rules change moment to moment.
I feel like I have so much more knowledge since I found all of you and I hope that it is not too late to use it.
Hi Jen, thank you for sharing your experience. My ex boyfriend does keep referring to possibly forgetting whatever he is talking about at that time, when he is well. So it will be interesting to hear what he recalls from this when he is back. I don’t know, it has been a month now, and 3 weeks he has been in hospital with his mania. I have taken Bries advice and really tried to keep my distance whilst looking after me, but contacting him every now and then to make sure he knows I am here for him. It is so difficult, as you all know so well. Time is such a funny concept, I have no idea what the future holds for us… It’s so apt really because the Universe is chucking all sorts of unpredictable events in my life and my boyfriends’ bipolar was the fitting cherry on top. I really feel for him, as his life will feel so unstable when he starts to come down, as he has uprooted everything that was working so well in is life. Inconsistancy is so tough in anyones life, so I really feel for my boyfriend and all those that suffer with bipolar, when you have what feels like a ticking time bomb that is in danger of blowing at anytime and all the debris that has to be cleared. You guys are so amazing sticking by your partners, you really are such strong, inspirational people, and your partners do know this on whatever level they choose to work on – huge pat on the back!
Ugh. So my boyfriend is going through a manic stage right now, and I am having trouble dealing with it. While he is insisting that he truly believes people can unlock a power in their brain to make them run faster or other special super hero abilities, I am wanting to bring him back down to reality. He’s decided he doesn’t want to move out because he doesn’t want to make an impulsive decision, although not wanting to move out would be the impulsive decision seeing as to how he has been talking about this for months. Instead, he is wanting to buy a 3D monitor and $200 3d glasses. I find it very frustrating during this times, and I argue with him trying to convince him that he’s not thinking clearly. He plans on seeing a therapist, but I am not sure how long that will take and in the mean time.. I feel as though I am still fighting this by myself. I’m having to fight myself as well, because I am the type of person who is blunt and honest and if I think something is stupid I say it. So I have to bite my tongue, until he comes to his senses again. I feel really alone right now, because I have to prolong getting him some help, until he is out of the manic stage. Everything I talk about is pointless, and I can’t mention medicine, or doctors to him at the moment because he is happy and doesn’t need that.
I should be glad that he is happy right now, but I just want him to be in a calm state. We got into an argument and all the sudden he doesn’t want to move out with my anymore because “We fight all the time.” Even though, this is our first argument in weeks. He insists we fight everyday. I have no support from my parents, they think being with him is dangerous and all other kinds of nonsense. Sorry for the long rant, I’m just really stressed out right now. I have been working out to help me through this. I feel guilty sometimes too, I imagine my life without him and what it would be like to be with someone who could care about me all the time, didn’t constantly break up with me, and didn’t make me feel like a part-time girlfriend. I feel horrible for having those thoughts. I guess I’m just not having a great day, and I probably sound extremely selfish right now, but sometimes I need to be.
Brie, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling the way you do. I hope you have woken up to a new day and feeling just that bit more better in yourself. You have every right to have all of these thoughts, so please don’t feel guilty! You have enough on your plate to add any off this stuff into the mix too. It is completely natural to have these thoughts, and why not? We need to ask these questions to continue shaping our life journey the best we can for ourselves. The word ‘selfish’ is actually a positive word, and means putting ourselves first, and again, why not in certain situations? You, as does everybody, deserve to have people in your life who add positivity more than they do negativity, and the thing with bipolar is it’s really bitty. As psychological theories on relationships go, we are more attracted and more likely to choose a relationship (choose being the important word) that is consistent, which in some ways represents predictability…and this is something an individual with bipolar in an episode cannot promise.
I am not sure where you live, I am assuming from words you have used, America? I am in England, and as soon as my boyfriend became ill, we were able to get health care intervention straightaway with our community mental health team, he was in hospital within 5 days of knowing he was in a manic episode. He voluntarily went into hospital. I know that if he hadn’t, there may have been a chance he would have been sectioned. Does your partner have any insight into going through an episode at the moment? If you say to him that he is, what is his response? Maybe you could work on this to get him help in speeding up the process. I hope your boyfriend comes through this soon, and with as little hurt as possible. I also hope you don’t beat yourself up too much for having all these natural thoughts, and even if you decide to act upon any of them, again, there is nothing wrong with this. You have to remember that the bipolar is an illness, and your boyfriend has bipolar, not is bipolar. I guess it’s weighing up if you are happy in your relationship away from these times, because if you actually are not going well in your relationship, then it is this bit you need to focus on if you do decide to end the relationship… I try and work with the information I have at the moment. I hope this helps!! Take care
For those that decide to stick it out, this is a journey, and I would wager that any of us that learn from what we are experiencing come out the other end a whole lot more emotionally mature whether or not we stay. The fact is we need to fix ourselves. Get to a place where we can handle what we are dealing with in the other partner. Once there, it becomes a whole lot easier to sit back and analyze (without emotions) what is occurring. Easier said than done certainly as verbal assaults coming from the ones we love can hurt. That is extremely difiicult, but does seem to get easier with time. We have to prepare ourselves to live for us, because the truth is the other may not always be there. I have chosen to stay in the relationship with my wife. It has not been easy, but once I figured out it wasn’t my fault, as she tried to portray, it became a whole lot easier. I put it back on her calmly, which forces her to deal with the emotions, not escape them. We need to realize no one is perfect, we are allowed to be human, and figuring out what is and isn’t acceptable behavior (boundaries) takes time and practice, and probably therapy since many of us have no idea where the boundaries should be.
Bella,
Yes, I am from America. lol. I was just extremely stressed yesterday, but did wake up in a better mood. I guess I was just so stressed because he was drinking, and him drinking while being manic scares the hell out of me. Whenever I told him he was manic, I showed him the symptoms and he was seemed shocked. He didn’t know insomnia, or “super powers” were symptoms. He just said it was something he always believed in. It really hurts him, and bothers him to discuss the bipolar. I think he tries to ignore it, and thinks if he does it will go away. I know pushing the topic on him, and trying to make him face the reality is going to be a very tough battle and might put our relationship on the rocks for the while, but I await for the day that things get better for him.
After all, that’s all we can hope and pray for.
Best wishes
Oh Brie, I can really relate, my ex boyfriend phoned me whilst in a pub lastnight (and this is whilst he’s supposedly under NHS care?!). It’s worries me so much that he could be drinking! I am glad you felt better the next day! My ex said to me he feels a bit ‘put out’ when he speaks to me at the moment, because it reminds him he is ill. Yeah, it is a tough call whether to agree with what they’re saying or to disagree. I generally go along with the conversation, whilst subtly playing devils advocate with their ideas (as I would in any conversation I maybe didn’t hold the same views in). But you’re right, it’s more a waiting game really, and reminding ourselves it is an illness and they will get better at some point! I still have no idea whether my ex will want to make a go of our relationship once he is better?? I am just continuing in trying to feel as little anxiety as possible!! You sound so strong! Take care.
Bella,
Thank you. You’re ex boyfriend doesn’t want to acknowledge the illness either? I know how hard that is, because whether they want to or not, we have too. We can’t just put it in the back of our heads and ignore it. We could blame them, but we don’t. I push myself through the hard times knowing that he really does love me deep down. I would like more than anything to understand what is going on in his mind when he says things, or does them. I hope he comes back to you, once he clears his head. You sound like a loving, caring, strong girl and I hope he will realize this. My boyfriend always comes back to me, and I think it’s because he has realized I am good for him and can handle him. Most of his exes weren’t good people, and most cheated on him. But anyways, How does your ex boyfriend seem to be doing? And how are you holding up?
Thank you Brie! It is so lovely to hear those words from someone who is going through the same thing. Gosh, I suppose in a nutshell, we have a page long mantra to keep ourselves in the reality of the situation – they are ill, they will get better, it is not personal etc etc. I am the same as you in that I want to get my head around what is going on in their heads when they do/say the things they do. I saw my ‘ex’ yesterday, it was ok. Ex in inverted commas because he is so affectionate towards me, kisses me, wants to hold my hand as we walk together?? Talk about confusing – yet when I make reference to when we were together, he reiterates that we are friends now. He is still definately manic, and having really heightened ideas above his usual beliefs. It is difficult because alot of his thoughts are actually an extension of what he believes and practices in life anyway, but he is not being realistic about it. I know he is ill when I catch on to him being involved in dodgy dealings (God knows what these are about!!), it scares me sooo much, and in the end I was truthful and told him it is hurting me far too much at the moment, and so distance is best for me. It pains me to see him hanging out with people that I just know he wouldn’t get involved with. They are good people I am sure, but they are shady, and he is attracted to this at the moment. It baffles me!?!
I am ok thank you! I have said about the distance because everytime I see him, I feel myself taking two steps back in the energy level department, and like forexample today I just could not get up, I was drained!! I had about 12 hours sleep lastnight, what is that about? I am doing the same as you and exercising, and being around friends etc. Does your partner actually finish your relationship when he goes through an episode? My ex hadn’t had a girlfriend for a long time before me, so I have been the most serious relationship he’s had in about 10 years because of his illness. Man, this injects me with a bit of oomph! I will be here for him when he is better, even if it’s just as friends, but I will make sure he knows I am willing to resume our relationship and use this to our advantage for sure in strengthening us! How long does each episode take for your boyfriend to come back? Keep doing what you’re doing Brie! I will have a bounce in my step today after your kind words, and right back at you! Since you’ve been through this more than once, you are an inspiration!
That’s good Bella. Glad you seem to be doing alright for yourself in this situation. I’m kind of opposite though, I usually can’t fall asleep and then when I do, I can’t get up.
It is energy draining though. My boyfriend’s episodes happen frequently, and when they do they last 1-2 weeks. When he is having a bad one, it usually lasts about a month and a half.
The weird thing is, his cycles seem to happen for the same amount of time, during the same times each month. We have broken a record though, usually he breaks up with me during our anniversary, New Year’s and sometime before Christmas.
He tried to, but it didn’t last long – only a day. The last big break up we went through was around my birthday for a month and a half. He started dating someone who was way to young for him. Of course, he was 100% sure he didn’t want me anymore, he was happier, and life would be better without me. Yet, every time I would see him, or we would talk he would be affectionate with me too. Does he say he misses you or anything? When we break up, he says he misses me, but is happier. Hope things turn around soon.
Mary Jo Bella Bre
Thanks for supportive comments it always great to get that.
I work with DVU, Domestic Violence Unit, it is a great Job, and I am appreciative of every Incident that we attend, because we protect the innocent wives and children again perpetrators.
In some cases the penetrator has either a pre existing mental condition or intoxicated or drug induced;
I don’t like to use the word condition, because it’s more of a chemical imbalance. Referring people to get help and seeing people change is rewarding.
Thake care
Its too painfull for me to write the whole story of my relationship with my ex partner and mother of my daughter.The first thing I will say is that if your in the early stages of a relationship with someone with Bi Polar and they will not get treatment take meds etc.. then do yourself the biggest favour youll ever do and walk away right now no matter how much its gona hurt.My ex and I where together for 8 years, we have a beautifull daughter I treated my partner like gold, she cheated on me with men and women,abused and attacked me emotionally and physically, left me for 2 other men and I forgave her everytime because of the bi polar. We where engaged twice but never got married because she kept leaving.The second time she asked me to marry her after I came back and year and a half ago after the second guy she left me for, we where back to gether 4 months and she said she wanted to spend the rest of our lives making it up to me and asked me to marry her I said I thought it was too soon considering everything but she said “isnt this what you want,its going to be ok this time I promise I love you with all my heart”so I bought the second engagement ring on the proviso she stay on meds, she did for about a month then stopped no matter what I said she wouldnt go back on them.Everything was going great for the next four months and I suppose I just forced myself not to think about the impending episode that had to come sooner or later.After four months out of the blue she rang and said she wanted me to go stay with my folks for a while, I came home and tried to tlak to her she wouldnt listen I said “I think your having an episode” to which she said “theres nothing wrong with me its all you”I slept in the spare bed that night and in the morining heard her playing with keys, she left for work before me and when I went to leave I found that she had taken my door keys and I had no choice but to lock the door behind me.That was nine months ago I was only able to get my stuff out of the house a month and a half ago and since then she and my daughter have moved in with a guy she works with which Ive since found out she was seeing before we split and she asked me to marry her!!Im heartbroken again, I feel like a broken man, I now have my own major anxiety and self asteem and depressive problems due to the way she treated me.I dont know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone again and all because I was loving and caring and understanding enough to forgive her because she suffered with Bi Polar.Up until I found out about this guy she still rang me 3-4times a day sometimes alot more even though I begged her not too hung up on her etc.New Years Eve she rang me crying saying she wanted to kill herself and I sit there now thinking where is this new guy when all this is going on, I feel like a madman, I hurt constantly…dont let this happen to you
Luke, I am so sorry, I went through a very similar relationship. We were married for 11 years. When I married him, I was a completely different person. Over those 11 years, I completely lost my own identity and self esteem. I became this timid person that he controlled and I was very, very careful with words I used and subjects that I brought up, and we did whatever he wanted to do for entertainment. ( for instance you can’t say, ” you have to” or that thing will never get done.) I had to walk on eggshells all the time. In doing this, I completely lost who I was. He left me three months ago. For the first two months, I cried all the time. I am not the preaching type, but the only thing that has really recently started getting me through this is prayer and the bible. That has really helped me find me again. I am actually finding myself smiling again the last few days. I think these bipolar relationships are so draining, that they require us to give so much of ourselves, that there is not much left of the original us when it’s over. Anyhow, I really recommend it. It is helping me heal, and I also continue to pray very hard for my husband that he will get the help he needs. All things are possible through God.
Thanks Mary Jo
Unfortunatly Im not really religous
But for myself I take solace and faith in myself that I did everything I could for her and my daughter as a a family man I forgave so much and really put my trust back in her 100% everytime only to have that crushed again and that can only mean that I am really a genuine caring man and that maybe someday she will look back and respect me for that, maybe not.I will be ok eventually but it will take a long time.
My thoughts are with you also all the best
I haven’t written in awhile but here is an update of my present situation. My husband and I both went to see a therapist, me because i am pretty depressed and him to see if he is really having an episode or if he really wants out of our marriage. Basically, the therapist believes he just wants out, he doesn’t want a child and i do and you really can’t meet in the middle on that one. I just wish he would have came to me and we could have talked about it, he has never been good w/expressing his feelings to me. I have a feeling that a few people put negative thoughts about a child in his head because he is bipolar that there was really nothing more for me to say. He thinks he will not be a good dad and the baby will make him sick….how do you fight that? I don’t know what a baby will make him feel like…babies were always a positive thing to me. For almost 3 weeks I had no idea if this was for real or an episode since it has happened in the past and now that i know it is for real then it is time to close this chapter in my life. when someone doesn’t love you the way you need to be loved then it is time to leave the relationship no matter how much you love them. when i look back though, the relationship centered around his bipolar depression and manic episodes. It took us almost our entire marriage to understand it. I held everything together for almost the entire 11 years. I really don’t know where I got the strength to do so. The bipolar consumed me for so long, i honestly have no idea how i will be w/out it in my life…relieved i guess. My husband still hasn’t moved out, i am hoping that he does this weekend. It is making it harder seeing him every day. It really makes me wonder though, if my husband had always wanted out of our marriage all along and that is why he had his episodes because he was so afraid to leave…i will never fully understand this evil disorder…it really hurts a lot of people. It takes everything you once were and destroys you. I am emotionally and mentally damaged from the years of ups and downs. when someone tells you they love you but not the way you love them over and over again, it is really one of the worst feelings you can possibly feel. hopefully, i will find my way and become me again. Thanks everyone for listening! hopefully the next time i write i will have some positive things to say.
Hello all, gosh, everybody sounds like they have been through so much pain, and really, once again, it is so important to look after yourself. However, from reading your stories, my perception of your experiences relay that the bipolar can’t help but be put first in relationships. I found this happened because my partner let it, it became his identity, and inevitably, when he battled the first 5 months of our relationship with whether he chose the effects of the depression and pre-emption of the possible future manic episodes or me, the relationship was up and down, but then the latter 7 months he chose the relationship (living in the here and now), so we were great and stood a greater chance of survival, the same as any relationship! Now, unfortunately a recent manic episode has won the battle at the moment. I just spent the last couple of days with him, and yesterday it was great, and as if we were back to normal, and then today was so exhausting! It is a tough situation, and I just feel so much for my ‘partner’, I really do. I just hope he gets better very soon, and back on track asap!
Brie, my ex has said he misses me, and I know from the way he looks at me sometimes, but today, there was noway he was on that level of thinking, he was really high today. It is funny because he finished our relationship a few days before our anniversary, my Birthday, and now it’s Valentines! So, I know how you feel with the timing thing! It’s been over a month now, and still no change… How are things with you Brie? Is your partner back on track? My ex went on a drinking binge the other night, and I really cannot wait to remind him when he’s better of the club he went to (I could never pursuade him to go in there and he always took the mickey out of me for going). I am so confused, as you all have experienced as to what the future holds. All the best to you Jen and Luke, you will establish your identities again and with this, things you enjoy and want to happen with follow! Take care all.
Jen, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Let me give you a perspective on having kids that may make you feel better seeing what life might be like for you.
It sounds very similar to what I have experienced in my relationship/marriage. The difference is I had a kid earlier on in the relationship and then another recently. Things were rocky at first without kids and god knows we might not have made it through without one. The fact is your husband might not be a “good” dad if you were to have kids. With kids comes stress, and although kids give you a reason to stay and work harder in a relationship, with someone like your husband, the added stress can be a killer. My wife and I fought the most after our first was born. That was before I learned the steps as I call them. Boundaries and not taking responsibility for things I don’t have to. Learned this recently actually, less than six months ago. Easy in concept but very hard in practice. It does get a lot easier with time though. There are times when my wife will show anger that is uncalled for in a situation towards our oldest. You never expect that from a mother. I have seen dads in my life that seem distant/cold, but very rarely will I see a mom like that. My oldest son will sometimes say things to me like “She is doing it again.” Her relationship towards him started becoming similar to how she treated me when he got his own identity. The ups and downs. He is too young to understand why ( 7 years old) but as he gets older he is starting to see the absurdity of how she acts sometimes. For me, being the parent who sticks up for them when she becomes absurd is something I have grown into. It has become natural over time like brushing your teeth. She can be absolutely loving and caring and defend them when I may lose my cool, which happens occasionally, but stress sometimes triggers anger in her that at times seems completely irrational. She is a great mom overall, but that is the hardest part of these disorders, the cold and hot. It sends you realing when you think things are OK. No kid wants to grow up with a parent who is emotionally unstable. That doesn’t mean that kids can’t grow up with a parent with a mental condition and be fully functional adults. I fully beleive if the other parent is stable, the kid will be fine, but it will take a very emotionally strong other parent and one that fully understands the situation to live with a mental disorder and function as a proper parent while still being loving towards the spouse, yet still having boundaries. Boundaries that could cause the relationship to fail. If I continued to “walk on eggshells” watching what I said to not upset my wife like I did before, I wasn’t doing my kids any service. I was not role modeling good behavior, and worse, I was not advocating for my son, so eventually they may come to beleive that being treated unfairly/poorly was acceptable. Now I put it back on her, with the full understanding that she might at some point leave. I understand this leaving is much more common in bipolar than borderline which is what I beleive my wife is. She doesn’t like it, and sometimes feels I take our son’s side, but a confident me has made her think twice about her actions when I call them out. It also surprisingly has lessened the amount of times that it is required. I hope this helps as life with kids in a relationship like that is far from ideal. 
Just when I think I’ve learned how to cope, along comes a bad day. Last night my dear heart had a nightmare in which I was unfaithful. I’ve just been through six hours of degrading insults. Every one of the hand full of people I ever had sex with (before I met him) was brought up as evidence of my being a worthless slut. I forgot that his stamina is endless. I am completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I am reminded of the bipolar light seminar when they say don’t argue with them, they will win. He always, always wins.
This one goes out to luke. Scroll up to see his post! Luke you are absolutly right in telling people to avoid these situations if at all possible.
I started dating a girl last yr who has bipolar disorder. In the start of our relationship before I knew much about her and had no personnel feelings for her (No kids, Did not know where she lived, Nothing that should bring stress to the bipolar person, See it was a clean slate and I am starting off this way for a reason. Read on..
Well after our first date and what I thought was a great time lots of hugging and kissing. Deep looks into my eyes ect.. She broke it off and ran away not to be heard from again for almost a month. Before she took off she also started telling me about how she was abused by her last husband and would never be controled again or to be made to walk on egg shells somthing I hear on this site very often. Then out of the blue I got a text saying she missed me.. long story short things took off from there but because of the hurt she put me through and not knowing if she would ever come back I continued dating. I told her if she was not into commitment that would be fine. I told her I was dating other woman and that she could date other men.
Sex was the best I have ever had and during sex she would tell me she loves me ect ect…
Then she started telling me that she only wants me that I had her to myself heart and soul. Well that was what I wanted to hear and I opened my heart to her. She told me everything a person in love would want to hear and I thought I had found my true love. I removed all my personnel barracades and opend up to her. I told her just how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever and she told me the same.. I let her meet my kids and I met hers..Wonderful to feel you are in a great relationship! Well to shorten this long story she went and had herself fixed. Tubes tyed and the whole nine yards. She told me because of this operation she was not feeling well and that was fine with me in the sence that I thought it was a normal thing after having this done and I felt bad and decided she needed to rest.
A week went by and Valentines day would soon be here! Our first toghether! Wonderful… Well a few days before she told me she was not feeling good again and could not do much of anything and needed rest. I continued my support of her but noticed she started to ice up on me. Small comments and short answers.. Well two days befor VDay she informed me that we were no longer a couple and I was never to see her again. This destroyed me.. I was hurt beyond beliefe stunned..
Why am I telling you all this? Because I want you all to know that this was a well planned and thought about idea of hers. She was planning this for atleast a few weeks and never let on. What I am telling everyone here is that yes people have bipolar but they also have a brain and what they do they do with perpose and with feeling. They know right from wrong and will set your entire relationship up so that you feel bad for them. They are the victom and you should be the one walking on egg shells and you will be the one under control out of the fear that you do not want to set them off or hurt them in any way.. They are very selfish and I notice that even on these blogs people with bipolar will defend others with bipolar who are doing the same hurtful things. They will tell you to stay and that if you dont you may be missing out on a truly wonderful thing.. Its there way of justifying the hurt they put on others. If you notice from these pages when the Bipolar spouse gets abusive and takes off they are on there way to meet someone else for sex, partying, drugs, or what ever it is they want. Yes they can hate and hurt the people who do everything for them and then go treat a perfect strainger like they treated you when you first met.. They can slam the door in your face and as they walk away leaving you a wreck they will smile at the first person they see and say hello.. So all of you out there please do not destroy yourself or be a marter to people who claim its the sickness that does this. They know perfectly well what they do and they do it well..
I truly feel that some of these folks are using there illness as a status to do what ever it is they want and get away with it. Think about this a minute and if you have a different idea please write to me I want to hear about it.
If I am in my depressed mode and starting fights with you and being everything bad that has been written on these blogs how can I be so sweet to anyone else if I am unable to control myself? How do i go from being so mean and nasty and stubbern not caring to be any other way and walk out the door meet up with a pretty woman and sweep her off her feet with kind words of love and devotion and then go and have sex?
yes there are times when I may truly be ill. But at these times when I am in my low point I want to be left alone. What I am starting to feel is that there are people out there that use the bipolar card to basically get a free pass on doing what ever it is they want. They end up with a servent who will do what ever they want done just to keep them happy. they can walk out the door at anytime and if things dont work out with there new sex partner they can come back to you and you will not say a word because you dont want to set them off..Perfect huh?. Some go for a day, Others go for weeks, Some go for months and some never come back at all.. And lets not forget that it cost money to feed shelter and wash there clothes. When they come back a few weeks later are they wearing the same clothes they left in? Do they still have there job? When they come back sobbing and crying oh baby i was so wrong and full of guilt ect ect..ask them where the hell have you been? Who has been taking care of you and where were you sleeping? Chances are they will cry bipolar and cant remember or just hit the road.. if its the latter..Tell em dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.. Dont forget there are many diseases out there that can be brought home to you and spread to your kids ect.. I used to sit by the phone waiting and worrying and getting depressed shutting myself out from my friends and family and I firmly believe this is what they want.. For you to have no one but them to rely on.. And if you have to rely on them you may as well be alone because dont forget they cannot take the stress and BP comes back and they will desert you when you truly need them.. As they drive away and the traffic light turns red does this poor confused person stop there car? They most certainly do! When you are sitting by the phone sick and depressed cause your loved one deserted you do you feel like partying? Do you feel like having sex? No you dont.. And that is what real depressed people feel..Hopeless lost and abanded..
She always butters me up before she splits.. Is that because she knows she is leaving and wants to make sure she can come back? Please reply someone..
Reply to twotriggers -
Not sure what you mean by buttering up but there is a theory that close intimacy scares some people and so if they catch themselves getting too close to someone they will reel back emotionally and distance themselves as a self defence.
My husband often does this. Its tempting to think it is a premeditated way of getting maximum damage impact but I don’t think he is really aware of it. He has a brilliant mind but he often seems truly oblivious of the bigger picture.
Hi, i gotta say i somewhat agree with you Twotriggers. Am pretty sure they know what they do, its like they are naughty children still trying to get away with things. I think they havent been parented well, and have been allowed to get away with everything when they were children. But also note that the people who partner them appear to have low self esteem and very little self love and a great lack of boundaries – in effect we are doing what their parents did before we came along. what i think we need to do is actually parent them – set up our own boundaries and not tolerate any of their crappy bad behaviour. kids who are neglected and abandoned dissociate and go into a world of their own and live in a fantasy world, this is exactly what these adults are doing, i feel they are small children in adult bodies, they dont really know where to turn, they need reparenting, and i think they look for someone in their life to do this. If we let someone walk all over us we are not only not loving ourselves but we are not loving them either, i think loving some one includes not letting them walk all over you and take you for granted. read all about people pleasers, i have been one all my life, if my dad came in drunk my mother would tell us to be quiet as not to upset him, so we grow up thinking that if we are always nice and caring and quiet and dont mention bad stuff we wont suffer their wrath – how wrong could we be, as for the disappearing for sex, when my partner cheated and i asked why- he said to feel loved, yet i thought i was very loving, but as time has gone by you get little answers come your way, he said he did it because he could. he has said that i ws turning into him, and i was, a bit ike a sheep i did whatever he did to be like him cos i thought he would like me more and i nearly destroyed myself cos of this. i drank all the time took drugs and did whatever he liked to in the bedroom, sorry if too much info but, its like i’d given up myself to be more like him cos of my desperate need to be loved myself, yet all it did was breed contempt. with no real boundaries, addictions and not a clue how to say the word no, i have been a menace to my own destiny. i too used to know when i was being manipulative, but if i got away with it i would do it even more, think about it, if someone doesnt put up with your crap, you are less likely to do it. oh how strange it all is. he used to diappear for weeks on end, cheat, lie and yet i’d still take him back cos “i loved him”. therfore he knew i’d always be back whenever he felt like throwing me crumbs of affection cos i thought that was all i was worth. we all need to think more highly of ourselves and have zero tolerance for bad behaviour without acting like a child ourselves, with no shouting and screaming, i’ve raged and been mean and nasty when things havent worked out and its not very grown up. i’m learning to grow up myself now, stoped drinking, don’t do drugs or sleep around, am finally fiding myself. hope you all can too. XX
Your message is a big help to me Michelle. I’ve recently started to come to terms with the fact that I am far too codependent. Its so easy to loose yourself and end up trying too hard all the time. It gets nowhere as we end up as a second rate version of the person they want us to be. I’m slowly coming to realise that I may just have to get out for my own sake. Not an easy thing to come to terms with. Right now I’m thinking of the codependency as a mental health problem of my own that I have to solve. It may be that I have to leave this situation in order to deal with my own dependency – sometimes we have to grow up ourselves and take some responsibility, someone has to do it. (feeling low today)
It is so important to look after ourselves no matter what the situation, but especially when our partner is ill and becomes consumed in their illness that we suddenly loose the equal realtionship, or the give and take that we usually would have. All our experiences are very similar and I felt awful last week and started to feel like my ‘ex’ was taking the piss out of me and using me, knowing what he was doing etc. But, the one point we mustn’t forget, is bipolar is an illness, and all that we are experiencing from their behaviours/thoughts/feelings is part of the illness. I am not saying that some people don’t use it to get what they want, but I work in mental health and people within a manic episode and depressive episodes are really ill, and it can be dangerous and bloody scary! I can’t imagine it, and really wouldn’t want to experience it. It has been really different experiencing bipolar with a boyfriend because you are emotionally involved, and I find myself struggling at times believing he is ill, yet when I look back at all the people I have worked with professionally (and so objectively), they are very ill! When we are emotionally involved we know the person very well, and try and rationalise (as they can’t), understand, justify and much more to try and understand what is happening to a very important part of our world.
The only person we can control the outcome of anything is for ourselves. We just cannot speed through the episodes for our partners, or decide for them what is best for them, they have to do this for themselves. I will be here when my partner falls back down…But only if he wants me to be, I will make it clear I am here, but can’t be there if he doesn’t want it. It is so hard, but really we have to get on with our own lives, and love ourselves first and foremost, it’s the only way we will get healthy consequences
and things will fall into place. It’s no easy journey, but it’s the only way, every other way may appear to work for a while, but it will only be short-lived.
Bipolar is cruel for the persons experiencing it and all those it effects around them. Love ALWAYS wins in the end x
This place is an aswer to my prayers. Finally I am not alone. I found the “one”, the love of my life and my very best friend. We were best friends in elementary school. I moved and we lost touch until we were 26. We remet and were close friends again. I was going through a horrible break up and had a newborn baby. She was there for me. Neither one of us had romantic feelings towards each other at the time…were were just good friends. Suddenly she disappeared and I did not find her again until last October. Weare both 36. She had just left a bad relationship where her heart had been broken. It had been a short but a meaningful relationship and she turned to me as a friend. She had moved back to her hometown from out of state to start over, to focus on herself, to be single, and learn to love herself again she told me. Then it happened… we fell head over heals in love with each other. We would giggle and laugh about how “crazy Cool” it was to be truly in love with our best friend from elementary, and how it felt so right. We were inseparable. She had a past of having a lot of relationships and we were so worried that friends would think that I was just another girl for her and not “the one” . My daughter named her “Nay Nay” (mom mom) and we became a family. On Christmas she gave me a charm bracelet with a puzzle piece charm on it and told me that I was her missing piece. On New years Eve she gave me a ring a proposed. I had never been so happy and so deeply in love in my entire life. On Jan.31st. she gave me the best birthday ever and gave me a card that said “to my wife” and she gave my mother a card thanking her for having me and that we were going to be a family for all eternity. Then..4 days later she ended the relationship. I was and still am devastated. She moved out and is going from one friend’s house to the next and basically is living out of her truck. She is Bi-polar and is aware of it, but is not on meds due to the cost and lack of insurance. I have been blaming myself for her leaving. She said it was not what she wanted to do, but what she needed to do for herself. That her inner being tells her that she needs to be alone and not in a relationship for a very long time. She is hating me one minute and talks as a friend the next. She still calls my daughter everyday and is wonderful to her. She tells us she misses us and loves us sometimes and tells me to not have any hope that she will ever come back. Before she left I had been wearing several pieces of sentimental jewelry that she had bought me and I took them off as a sign to her that I was letting go. She got extremely upset when she saw that the necklace wasn’t around my neck and cried and said that I should have communicated with her before I took it off. She is still gone and still says she has to be single and work on herself. She is miserable and so am I but for different reasons. Around her friends she is “Normal” I miss her so much. She is the air I breathe. In all your opinions, do you think she may ever return, or should I have no hope at all? I feel so alone and confused. She loved me so much then 4 days later left..as if nothing ever mattered. I asked her why she did what she did for my birthday and she said she meant it and has meant everything she has ever said to me, but she is focused on herself now and is blocking that out. Can anyone relate? Help. It has been 3 weeks since she ended our relationship. What do I do? I want her back so badly.
Hello ‘Loving her’, I can absolutely relate to what you are going through with regards to one minute having an amazing relationship, to suddenly having it end. I am in the exact same position. I had been with my boyfriend a year, and it was as good as ever, then 2 days into a manic episode he ended it. It has been nearly 2 months and no change I’m afraid. I wish I could say to you that your partner will want you back when she is better, but I can’t. I came on here searching for the same reassurances and answers, but the only people who know are you and your partner. I have read and reread a lot of these posts and it seems from others experiences that partners do come back once they are more balanced and realised what they have done, but right now my ex hasn’t. I promise I will let you know if there are any changes to give you hope. I have learnt what looking after yourself really means through this experience, as it’s truely the only thing you can do right now. I am sorry you are going through this immense pain, it is such a tough situation and so heart wrenching, but you will come through this more positively no matter the actual outcome with yourself and your partner. I am learning all of the time, and it is tough, but I have very good enlightened days too. All the best to you, and whatever happens is meant to be
I am with Zuki,
I think it is more not trusting the feelings of love they may have for you because they have been abandoned/neglected/abused in their past. I think someone on here said it but I can’t forget their words so I will put them in quotes, “They will sucker punch you before you hurt them.”
Michelle, Twotriggers,
They have the emotional maturity of a child. Remember that. For those of us with kids this makes complete sense. Children think completely emotionally at times, well functioning adults think both emotionally and logically. Also, the people who are partnered with them haven’t always had low self esteem and no boundaries. Boundaries weren’t a major issue for me with any of my relationships until I met my wife. Then the craziness happened. Then I really started doubting myself. It is the I love you to death, I can’t stand you…that drives you to the point of insanity. Right now I have gained back my confidence. I have gained back my boundaries and put it back on her. She needs this as her family enables her out of fear, the same as I used to do. My therapist has shown me some simple tips on enforcing boundaries, and I will tell you they help tremendously. My wifes behavior has improved dramatically. It forces her to see her behavior for what it is, inappropriate. It is a process though, a very slow one. Some of the changes have happened so gradually I can barely notice them. I no longer allow myself to be drawn into arguments as many have said, there is no winning. Walk away….seriously, walk away and let them calm down. Their anger will escalate if you argue. Before you leave, let them know you love them. Then come back, an hour, maybe talk the next day.
Zuki,
Codependent is not a curse, it is a blessing, EXCEPT in a relationship like yours and mine and others on here, then it is a curse.
Learn to live for yourself and only give to others what you will not feel taken advantage of if it is not recipricated. Think about it, Mother Theresa was probably a codependent. Is it really a bad thing? If everyone was a codependent, wouldn’t the world be a better place. It is not a bad thing unless in a dysfunctional situation like you find yourself in. You were raised well being a giving person. Don’t be ashamed of that.
Bella, I couldn’t agree more, let them learn from their actions. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, right. But just because you can’t make it drink doesn’t mean you shouldn’t lead it to water right? You can still guide your partner along. Let them know how you feel, best for when they are calmed down. Don’t put up with their behavior, stand up for yourself, but don’t be drawn into an argument, but discuss calmly until it is resolved or it becomes an argument, then walk away, go to another room like I do. Take the higher road. I can’t tell you how many times my wife would insult me and draw me into a fight trying to get me to act the way she viewed me in her skewed reality. In other words she wanted me to fit her definition of reality and support it. I no longer do that which forces her to see her actions for what they are.
Loving her,
In all likelihood she was feeling more close to you than she was able to handle and didn’t trust it.
Wow, I got to writing. Sorry for the long post.
Panda,Bella,
I screwed up… She and I had started moving into her parents house that no one is living in just before she left. Because she no longer wants to be in a relationship it leaves my daughter and I no other option than to move out of state where my Dad lives. I did not want to tell her over the phone or in person because I knew that I would break down and I did not want her to see it. I sent her an email telling her that I was considering moving during my daughter’s spring break and that if she decided to, that we would love for her to go with us. She called and exploded on me because I told her in an email and not in person. She said that I will never change and that she deserves more respect than that. She said she would call me tonight after work. I don’t know what to do or say. My daughter loves her as much as I do and I don’t want this…. I really messed up again… I feel like I blew it. What should I say when she calls??? HELP!!
Loving her,
It’s not your fault. It can be very difficult to tell what can set your partner off. Maybe you can try and explain to her that you couldn’t tell her on the phone because you would break down. I don’t know. The truth is always the best, in my opinion. In my experiences, my boyfriend always returns to me. But, as Bella said it depends on you and your partner.
I messed up many times during one of breaks ups, dated other people, said mean things, ect. Things I thought would kill the relationship forever, but somehow pushed past it.
Anyways, let me know how the phone call goes. Don’t blame yourself. And who knows, maybe she wasn’t really upset you didn’t tell her in person.. maybe she was actually upset about your thinking of moving. You never know.
Loving her – I have to agree with Brie, in that honesty is the best policy. You haven’t done anything wrong, and one very frustrating part of mania, I have found, is my ‘ex’ doesn’t think he is ill, so, it can appear like I am ‘in the wrong’ or made the mistake in something. You are in a tricky, unstable situation at the moment, not knowing what the future holds for you and your ‘ex’ partner, so the best thing could be honesty about this and communicate that you have to look out for your daughter and yourself at this time of uncertainty, possibly whilst expressing what you ideally would like (i.e. for you to get back together etc), as Panda has made me think about maybe putting a bit more out there as to what you would like (diplomatically), and not just passively saying yes, no etc.
Panda – You have really got me thinking in a different way about my current sitaution. I suppose I have been ‘leading the horse’ to water in certain situations, but when it comes to our relationship and a possible future together again, I suppose I’m protecting myself, and feel my ‘ex’ is not in the right headspace to hear about what I want…But then, what’s the harm in putting it to him at some point I suppose…Oooo, decisions. It’s keeping your self-preservation and spilling this a little over and testing the boundaries your partner with bipolar is setting, to create your own boundary with them..It makes sense. I suppose, because in my ‘exs’ fantasy at the moment, his ex girlfriend from many moons ago has come up into the equation, I don’t want to possibly face another rejection…Ooo, you really have got me thinking!!
Bella and Brie
Well the phone conversation was calm, but crushing. I was told that she wants us to move even though she would miss us, that she and I will never be together again and that I need to accept it and just act as her friend and nothing more. I told her that I did not deserve what she did. She responded with ” I never said you deserved it”. She admitted that she needs her meds and explained how she needs to think of herself first now. She said that she would rather die alone than to not focus on herself again and that she didn’t care if it was being selfish or not. I told her how I felt that she wanted me to sweep everything under the rug and act as nothing had ever happened and that we were friends. She denied it and told me that she didn’t want to hear my feelings anymore that if I needed to get them out to send an email to myself but not to her. She said that when she tells me that she loves or misses me that she means it as a friend and that I need to accept that. Of course the conversation ended with me being hurt again and her happily asking to speak to my daughter. I wish I could hate her for destroying me!
How could she want to be with me forever and tell me, my family, her family, and her friends how I am the “one”, ask me to marry her, be a mom to my daughter, promise us eternity then in a blink of an eye throw everything away and expect me not to be completely devastated and want her back???? I keep blaming myself. She took all of me then left. It hurts so much. I believed everything she said and did…..how can she just stop loving me like that. She abandoned everything she wanted. Why? The pain I feel and missing her is unbearable. All I did was love her and believe in her. She gave me the happiest days of my life. Why won’t she come home????
Loving her, you have to trust that your ‘ex’ partner meant these things when she said them and right now she is ill. It is really good that she has said she needs meds as well, which means she has a little insight into what is going on.
It is the nature of the illness that is leading all of her thoughts and actions. If it was a broken arm and your partner refused to play a sport, we would understand and so accept it (I know this doesn’t compare to breaking a relationship), but with mental illness the only evidence we can see is what is expressed by the individual experiencing it, we haven’t got the tangible plaster cast to remind us of the difference in the body. Think of the broken arm analogy again, you break an arm, it hurts, it’s damaged, and the body takes a knock from it, you have to change your lifestyle at that time. Eventually after weeks of rest (arm still and in isolation from it’s usual activities), it intricately starts to heal little by little. It will never heal to what it was before the break, but it will heal. Sometimes a plastercast isn’t enough, and you may need an operation, but whatever the process, you know your body will heal, and in time you choose whether you can play the sports you played before the break or not. If you choose to play the sports, you will have to take it slowly and trust your body again, but in time build strength and thrive from it.
Can you do some research into bipolar on the internet if you haven’t done so already, just to understand it a bit more, and try and think of it as an illness, rather than a personal attack…because it really isn’t. Trying to look at the positives out of this, it is great your ‘ex’ partner wants to concentrate on looking after herself at the moment, because she really needs to, because she is ill. Again if it was her arm broken and she refused the plaster and attempted to play a sport, it would be tough to watch, so the fact she acknowledges she needs to nurture herself is a good thing, you MUST do the same! Maybe use this time to really find a way to focus on your own health and well-being. Obviously you are going to hurt from this, believe me I know, but make the focus yourself and not your partner. I don’t know what works for you, but set yourself daily goals like going for a run, seeing a friend, going for a walk, cooking a really healthy tasty meal – all of these are very good for your body, be kind to it, look after it. I have done this, and am continuing to. I took a break from the meditation side, and am feeling little bits of anxiety in my body recently, so I will go straight back into it today!! I hope there’s a little bit of this that you can take away to help you that one step further to feeling ok in yourself.
Loving her,
I agree with Bella and would make decisions for you and your daughter. It is hard, but honestly, the more independent you become the more likely she will come around if that is what you want. If she does, you will be stronger to deal with it. If not, well at least you will be independent and living for yourself and your daughter. The fact is can you afford to allow yourself to be dragged onto the rollercoaster with your child. If my wife leaves again, my life will not end because of it. This epiphany came to me on about the hundredth time of her leaving me.
I said to myself that I am doing the best I can and as long as I am happy with me what she says about me will not affect me. It doesn’t always work, but a lot of times I realize it is her disorder that is talking. I can almost tune it out when she has one of her moments. But the first step is living almost independently. Hard to conceptualize, but you will know when you are there. My wife lives with me and I love her and she loves me, but I will no longer allow myself to be drawn into the drama that she creates, and as such am living independently for myself and the kids with the woman I love.
By the way, earlier on when I would cry in front of her at the mean things she would say, she would say in a very unemotional almost clinical way, “If you need to cry it out cry it out, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.” I know exactly the smile when your hard has been ripped out. Hard to beleive someone who would say things like we were destined to be together and we are perfect for each other, etc… could change so quickly, but that is the reality we find ourselves in. Once you see how insane it all is, the easier it is to deal with and not blame yourself. It is not your fault. Using emails is good because it seperates yourself somewhat from the abuse she will dish out to you. I find written abuse is less hurtful than actually seeing her smile as she puts me down. I sometimes feel that my wife feels so much pain that she wants to unload that pain onto me by hurting me. That sounds like what she is doing to you. She will come down from her “high” and might want you back. If I were you I would work on strengthening my body and mind. It helps with your confidence in dealing with what she will throw at you.
Bella,
It is a huge decision to stop “walking on eggshells”. You have to realize that by doing it you could lose your partner, but in all honesty if you don’t stop living in fear will you ever truly be living? I was willing to take that risk because I was sick of walking on eggshells. I was sick of living in fear. That is not to say I still don’t have fear every now and then. For instance, if my wife and I have a discussion that she disagrees with my viewpoint, I sometimes wonder if when I get home from work the house will be half empty.
I am not kidding. She might just hang up on me saying BYE! in an angry tone and I wonder, will this be it. That sometimes crosses my mind, but I have to continually tell myself to be me and not what I think she wants me to be or something else to appease her. There is a caveat to this, sometimes it is best to let a sleeping dog lie for a while before you bring up what is upsetting you or some gripes you have. If my wife is stressed about something, I don’t bring up gripes. If my wife is tired, same thing. If my wife is happy and pleasant, best time to do it. But I try to do it in a very nice way. Sometimes that is difficult as I may be very upset about something she did. In fact I have found choosing my battles and the times of those battles to be the most important, followed by tone of voice and the words I use. Now that might seem like walking on eggshells, but I can convey the same message but in a far less confrontational/accusatory way. So I am accomplishing my goal without drawing the monster out of her. It doesn’t always work though, but like I said before, it is a process. Be patient and strong.
I pulled the bandaid off and started my boundaries where I wanted them when she came back the last time. Now I just enforce them here and there. For instance, if she says something about me, I might say, that is not my issue, that is your issue. Of course it has to be her issue, but that is the type of boundaries we are talking here, not personal space boundaries, but responsibility boundaries that I found I had lost complete control over. I felt responsibility for everything. Not anymore or ever again. Now I don’t even think about it, and I find myself having to enforce the boundaries far less. It is like teaching a child. They have the emotional maturity of a child and will test the boundaries every now and then until they realize, (assuming you are a good parent) that they will not get away with it. Then it slowly stops as the child matures. For my wife, she has slowly matured, but has a long way to go.
I don’t insult my wife, I treat her well, and do plenty around the house and with the kids. I am a great father and am trying to be the best husband I can under the circumstances. I found it harder and harder to blame myself over the years. Read the book “Stop walking on Eggshells”. It is about Borderline Personality Disorder, which is what I beleive my wife has, but I think there are a lot of similarities between bipolar and borderline. I personally beleive there is a spectrum that they both fall on.
Once again, a long one. When I get to writing watch out.
Panda, you have hit the ‘nail on the head’ with regards to a point you made, which is my bottom line spiritual existance/drive that I work at everyday and will do forever more, of living without fear. For me it is the only way, and the only way you can truely live your life. Ironically it was my ‘ex’ with bipolar who helped me understand and put this into practice. I really have reached a place where I am strong enough in my life that if my ‘ex’ doesn’t want to use this episode to our advantage as a couple, then it’s ok. Of course it will hurt, but I truely want what’s best for both of us, and for me to remain making fearless decisions. It’s certainly trial and error, but awareness is a fantastic start to living this life!!
I also agree that BP and BPD are very similar in what they present. I have less experience with BP, but do know the illness effects attachment and the individual that experiences this is usually very sensitive, same with bipolar in the times of episodes. Panda, you sound like a very strong guy, and really a great inspiration in helping others that go through this. You have set a healthy foundation for your reasltionship and you are obviously reaping what you have worked at sowing, karma however people view it. You really do receive what you put out there, and sometimes it isn’t immediately obvious, but it soon transpires…If you do it for the right reasons (i.e. without fear!)
Well, the lack of concern and remorse has really taken it’s toll on me. Because of my relationship with her I lost four kids, the love of my life, a place to live and a job I badly wanted. She was the very last person I ever would have thought would hurt me. She didn’t hurt me… she destroyed me and truly ruined my life. I want so badly to hate her and get her out of my life but my heart won’t allow me too. I am still very much in love with her. This is hell on earth!
hey Luke,
I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that I have experienced much of the same with my ex partner. She begged me to move in with her,after a year together I left my apartment – and almost as soon as I did she started acting out and seeing other people. Then she became violent, all the while trying to pull me in closer, acting jealous, etc. I was like a hamster on the wheel, trying to figure out what was going on. I left for awhile( 6 months) and then she convinced me that she was in love, move back in, etc.. So against better judgement and wanting to believe in love, I did. What a mistake. She became violent, abusive, irrational etc and then took off and had multiple affairs. 6 months later, after falling apart and homeless, I am finally pulling things together. I am sorry that love like this sucks us in and then spits us out. It is such a roller coaster. I really feel for you and feel fortunate that we did not have a child.
good luck
Nick
Thanks Bella. I honestly want to help people. I can’t tell you the hell I went through before I realized what was happening. This site helped me a lot and gave me some perspective. I just want to give back a little. It has taken me a long time to get where I am at. For many years I blamed myself as I was far from perfect. As I improved myself due to the demands that were put on me, it became more and more obvious that something wasn’t right. I started seeing the craziness for what it was. The steps I went through in general terms were 1) stopped blaming myself and allowing her to pin all the blame on me 2) I got a handle on the actual reality of the situations I found myself in with her at times and 3) I let go of her.
The first step took me about 8 years. Eight long painful years of craziness. The second step I am always improving on as it is amazing her skill at dragging me into emotional arguments where I am always going to lose. The third step I started about three years ago and am now finally at the point where if she left I would be upset but not devastated. It is her choice to make, not mine. Reading codependent books helped with this. It doesn’t mean giving up on the person, but it does mean allowing yourself to let them leave. I used to beg and carry on whenever she would threaten to leave me. Sad but true. Not anymore. She should be just as grateful for having me as I am for her. Living with this illness you have to realize that you create your own stability. I can’t count on her always being there for me. I just enjoy the time I have with her and live my life one day at a time.
I think the whole experience makes you emotionally stronger.
well my ex came to pick my daughter up to see her and take her to her girl scout meet. Rips my heart out to see her. Glad to see her though. She wouldn’t look at me and that hurt a bit too. I love that woman sooo much. I would do anything in the world for her to open her heart back up. I am thankful she still loves my daughter…. my daughter loves her as much as I do. I decided I can’t move away out of state. I just can’t. It leaves my daughter and I in search of a home but after praying hard about it I just decided I can’t. I do not expect her to come back…. she almost hates me now. I miss everything about her…. even when she was mean towards me… crazy huh. Nothing hurts more than being in love with someone that won’t love you back no matter how they feel inside. I miss her so much.
ok… I finally woke up… I am going to stop. I am going to stop texting her, calling her and emailing her… I am pushing her away more each day. My daughter loves her so much and they had a great visit tonight. I don’t want that to change. I received a hug and that is when it hit me… I know how many times I have read on here that we have to let the one we love go… no matter how bad it hurts. If I stand a chance at all, I will have to stop what I am doing and work on becoming independent and a better mom. It will be hard… but it will be worth it.
What is Borderline? Well actually..
How do people act when they are borderline?
Just curious.
Bella, you sound like you are doing SO much better.
That is awesome, and I hope things continue to go well for you.
I am so glad I found this web-site. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is non-compliant with his meds. I can understand the warm sick feeling. I was starting to think I was the one that is sick.
this disease has taken a toll on every aspect of his life and mine too. He has custody of his three kids… which means I not only have responibility for him and myself but also them…They don’t understand thier dad is sick and that is hard. And my relationship with them is complicated by the disease because when he is depressed, I do all the parenting and when he is hypomanic he swings from super dad to a tyrant.
Borderline is by far the most common of the personality disroders. About 30 years ago it was finally added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). There are 8 criteria 5 of which you need for a diagnosis. They are:
Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
Impulsivity in potentially self-damaging behaviors
Severe mood shifts
Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger
Recurrent suicidal thoughts or gestures, or self mutilation
Lack of clear sense of identity
Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
First one yes, my wife loses friends all the time, and our relationship is an example in and of itself
Second one, she is extremely impulsive, which can be fun, but if she comes up with some crazy idea and I am not on board, she gets angry at me for “holding her back”.
Third one yes, goes without saying as everyone on here has dealt with this one.
Fourth one, I can’t tell you how many times I get screamed at for the smallest thing, or how she baits me into arguments to vent anger at me over the slightest things.
Fifth one, she has told me on multiple occasions she just wants to die, or that she wants to eat herself to death. That she would kill herself except she lacks the will to do it. Also, overeating is a form of self mutilation. She binge eats all the time when she is “stressed”. Sometimes I feel she creates stress just to eat and use it as an excuse. She will eat a whole tub of ice cream and when I confront her about it I get the usual I was stressed. Usually she is stressed because of me, so I am to blame. At least I used to be, but I don’t blame myself anymore.
Sixth one, she has no idea what she wants in life still. She will at times be happy with her life, two great kids, nice big house, caring husband, but then will be completely unhappy with her life and where she finds herself. She will go from wanting to go back to work to not wanting to go back to work to accusing me of keeping her from working (completely untrue) to forcing her to go back to work. She will at times want to publish a book (goals are good, but she has been saying this forever to wanting to run a marathon). The running a marathon one is the latest. She is about 100 pounds overweight and I love the fact she wants to get into shape and will help her any way I can, but she is at times completely unrealistic with her goals. She can’t really describe herself and seems to have little direction. She wanted to have kids and be a mom. But now that she has done that she seems completely unsatisfied.
Seventh one, I confronted her about this one and she cried. At that time she again suggested killing herself. I think this one she can really relate to as this is genuinely how she feels. This is what I beleive causes her to lash out and create pain in me, unconsciously.
Eigth one, this one I struggled with but it has been explained to me in another way other than not wanting to be left in the relationship. It is the feeling of abandonment by not caring. For instance, if she “percieves”, which is huge in borderlines as they are caught in their own reality, that I don’t care about her she will go off the deep end. A good way to describe borderlines is EXTREMELY sensitive. She will blow off friends for something they might have said that was taken the wrong way. Black and white thinking is also a huge part of the disorder as you are either evil or pure good. There is no gray. You are judged on what you did last. For instance, if you did something she percieves as evil, then you are evil. Forget if it was something you did without knowing or that 99 times out of 100 you are the best person. That last mistake will become who you are. In a “normal” relationship people make mistakes and are forgiven by their loved one. In a borderline relationship, there is very little forgiveness and very little trust. The crazy making thing about is we used to fight with her reality. It would be skewed such that I was purposefully trying to hurt her. That is how sick it is. It would drive me nuts because she would accuse me of trying to hurt her and then we would start arguing about that. It was endless. Now I simply reject her reality and state that is not how I see it, or that is not what I was doing. Leave it at that. It is the only way as an argument will inevitably go very badly.
I have heard there have been quite a few people diagnosed bipolar who are actually borderline. Something to consider.
Loving her, I am very proud of you. Stay strong.
This is the most concise way of explaining Borderline without reading lot and lots on it as it is very hard to understand.
http://www.angelfire.com/tx4/sarahsmile
I would like to take a “poll” on here. How many of your partners up and left you suddenly when you had a great relationship? Of those who have been through that, how many of your partners returned and how long did it take? I am very curious. Thanks!
Which time?
In all seriousness, for me it is usually about 2 to 3 months before she changes her mind on the divorce. Each time she ups the ante though. The last time she got an attorney and filed. For me the relationship was fine, for her, internally, it was not for whatever reason. There might be a time when she follows through and that is it. I think each time she feels crazier and more ridiculous. At what point will she be too embarrassed to admit she made a mistake?
Panda,
When your wife has episodes, does she treat her friends and children the same? My ex seems to only treat me differently. She seems fine when she is with my daughter. She confuses the heck out of me. I wonder “did she really leave all of the sudden because of me, or is she having an episode”. Of course she tells me she isn’t having an episode that she just can’t be in a relationship and needs to focus only on herself. I am praying it is an episode and not me. She was having a hard time with one day being all giddy thinking our life was wonderful then the next she was hating her life or felt as if her family (her parents etc.) were against her and she would cry a lot. The day she left she went and got 2 tattoos which she said her friend paid for, and yesterday I noticed that she got her nails done. She told me she didn’t have any money at all…. I just don’t understand. Any input or advice? I know she isn’t seeing anyone.
Loving her,
She will be nice as pie to friends and family. In fact she will reach out to friends she pushed away to use as support. She revels in the drama. She has actually admitted this to me. It is only me she projects her anger at. For instance, she will say she wants a divorce because she is not happy. I say OK what are you not happy about and she will pleasantly insult me. Then when I am on board with whatever she wants, she will become cold and mean. The best way to describe it is pure white anger. I am treated as though I was Hitler or the devil. It is really bizarre. The crazy thing is I didn’t see it sooner. Now in addition to answering your question I would also add that she is nice to everyone else, until they start pissing her off and then she comes running to me. Basically I am her life boat, and though she may swim away at times to test out other flotation devices in friends and family, she has so far always come back to me.
My wife will tell me she hates me and how I suck and call me some choice names, then when she wants me back, she says how lucky she is to have me and how great I am. The only question is, is it because she is over her episode or is it because her anger has had time to subside. Maybe is is both, maybe the episode is pure anger and blameing of me for her life gone wrong. Like a wounded dog.
I would bet dimes to donuts it isn’t you. Whether or not she returns after she comes to her senses is another thing.
As far as the tattoos and nails with no money, it sounds very typical to someone in the Mania stage. She got money somehow, possibly from friends or family or a credit card. My wife went on a shopping spree when she left me the last time. She acted as though i was holding her back financially, but I only made so much and we had bills to pay. She blew right through a lot of our savings. Not sure if you could call it compulsive spending, but she portrayed it as though she was a prisoner and I was holding her captive, and now that she had her freedom she was going to buy what she wanted to buy. I am not so sure her family bought it, because they know me well enough. Once reality sunk in though, she started to see she had it pretty good with me. Her family started upsetting her. In fact anyone who gets close to her gets the brunt of anger. At first she used her family as support, but then eventually turned on them and basically verbally abused them like she did to me.
Give it time Loving her. Focus on yourself and not her. It will be very hard, but you need to do that for you and your daughter. If and when she comes back, you will be stronger to confront her about her actions instead of just being happy she is back. For me only recently did I put it back on my wife instead of being “grateful” for her return. I started to see myself as having worth. Maybe she should be grateful for having me in her life. Try and get to a place where you know you deserve better, then you will start to have good boundaries.
Panda,
Thanks for your advice and honesty. I just wish there was a medication that could heal a broken heart.
Thank you, Panda, for the information.
That doesn’t sound like my boyfriend, I just kept seeing people say BPD and borderline so I was curious about it.
Although, I can see how you can misdiagnose it. They seem to share a lot of the same symptoms.
Panda,
Well my daughter and I left a text and a voicemail on my ex’s phone last night because my daughter likes to talk to her before she goes to sleep. My daughter talked to her then handed the phone to me. I was immediately jumped on for leaving a message on her phone and accused of telling my daughter what to say to her on the phone. I got fed up and hung up on her. She then began texting me hateful things. Of course I stood up for myself, but it hurt still. I sent her a voicemail this morning and apologized how I had reacted to her, but not for being angry. I begged her to get help, and told her that tattoos, make up, clothes, and having her nails done will only be a bandaid to make her happy for a little while then she will crash and that I don’t want that for her. I told her that I am tired of being her verbal punching bag but I love her very much and am worried about her. Of course I did not get a response. This afternoon my daughter asked to call her. I told her that she might be at work so we should check. I text and just asked “are you at work” and she responded with “yes”. I guess she is still wiling to communicate??? Anyway, I probably did the wrong thing, but I am tired of doing nothing but loving and caring about someone who seems to just want to hurt me over and over again. I know it is the bipolar talking and I try to remember that..it is hard though.
oh panda how awful for you. it really is. i get the feeling that i am borderline,
Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
Impulsivity in potentially self-damaging behaviors
Severe mood shifts
Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger
Recurrent suicidal thoughts or gestures, or self mutilation
Lack of clear sense of identity
Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
I can say i got all these apart from the self mutilation or thoughts of suicide, but i self harm in other ways, being a borderline alcoholic, the drugs, the sex with people you dont even like because you hate to say no, the gambling etc. i’ve always been in up and down relationships with men who arent quite altogether i just attract them. how on earth or what on earth is the way out?? there should be a chat on here so we can all chat rather than e mail, like a group meeting, that would be good.
my boyfreind disappears for weeks and i dont hear from him then all of a sudden he is desperate to see me, for four years i have bounced in and out of his life and never cheated, or even looked at another man, he has cheated been a drug addict ( amphetamine) drinks too much, lies all the time and i really wonder why i stayed so long. i relly have to give up now as much as i so call love him – or did i just want him cos i’m so needy? i really wish i had all the answers to get out this mess. i gamble cos i get bored easily and i’ve done it to the point i nearly lost my home, i’ve drank myself into oblivion and got into dangerous situations, and all i used to do was focus on his problems, thats the co-dependency, it makes us feel better apparently to try and help someone who is worse thatn ourselves. i wish to god and pray that i can find me, i’m looking hard enough. i used t rage and yell and scream, i’ve stopped that, it feels so hard to control yourself yet thats what its all about self control. well i’ve just gambled my wages away, nd now am bored, should go to bed but looking for something to fill the empty hole. how bad is this!!!!
he once said ‘i can make anyone do anything i want’ this must be the superpowers!!! well i did do anything he wanted, including being humiliated in public and in private, pushed down stairs, doors shut in my face, run back each time i felt sorry for him when he was sorry and thats my boundaries they are soo weak, i have let another human being treat me like a dirty dishrag, i have let him do this to me and then expected him to have respect for me. oh how funny it all is. i think i have just toughened up!! i think its right – they do it because they can get away with it, naughty children keep doing things if htey get away with it unchecked!
so sorry i’m on a rant now. i want all of us who have been treated badly to get a back bone, a spine, something thats going to keep us upright forever, re set our weak boundaries and never let enyone walk all over us. and never ever think that they are the only people out there for us to love or for them to love us. we are all so valuable, i just dont think we have seen it yet.
i want intimacy more thatn anything in the world yet i fear it, i run away, its an awful defence mechanism, oh how a mask is easily placed on a betrayed and broken face. grrrrrrrrr what is going on with all these men who just cheat all the time – ashley cole, tiger woods, john terry, am sorry i know women do it too, all my relationships i’ve been cheated on and i just done understand the mens motivation, – i am basically a good person who just wants to be loved, not beaten, cheated on and lied to. i hate bipolar, i hate my own mental illness, and apparently its all within ourselves to make us better, well i keep trying and trying and wonder when it;ss get easier she says with tears rolling down her cheeks and no they are not crocodile ones as i have been accused of.
Let her cry…if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing…if it eases all her pain
Let her go…let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be…let her be.
Loving her,
I really feel your pain. It is one of the hardest things to deal w/when your loved one is going through an episode. You have to remember that none of this is your fault, your partner is sick. If you really want to have a relationship w/her then you need to back off of her, the more you show her you are upset the worse she will get. You need to show her that you are fine w/out her w/out losing contact w/her. It will really help her come out of her episode if she thinks that you are ok. I have been in your shoes more than once so I know what you are going through. If your relationship works out in the end you will have to learn that your partner can’t handle stress very well and no matter how hard it is you should not argue w/her. she will want to start an argument but you have to stop it as soon as you can. It is a hard way to live, but if you want to be w/her it will do wonders! Plus once she gets on medication it will show a huge difference in her, it won’t cure her but it will help w/the stress and anxiety she may have. Stay strong for you and your daughter!
Panda, the things you say are extremely helpful. I’m trying to work out how I can set some boundaries. One of the things I’m finding a little confusing though is that my husband withdraws affection and attention. I don’t think I can set up a boundary to stop that, or at least can’t think how. He is a tremendously loving and affectionate man but it appears and disappears without a pattern. So he will follow me around and want to go everywhere with me, tell me that he loves me, speaking very passionately, and ask me repeatedly in a very insecure manner if I love him back. Then days later he will make it very clear that he expects me to understand that he doesn’t really love me but stays, very much against his will, because of the children. In fact he will be seething with anger at the thought that I am not accepting that reality. He feels infuriated and insulted by the very thought that I might not believe that he is terribly unhappy with me and should leave. He feels that if I really loved him I would want him to leave and go and behave promiscuously with as many women as possible because he feels that he hasn’t had enough sexual experience and believes that I am aware of this but just want to keep him to myself out of selfishness. There is a lot of paranoia in there too. I’m going off the point now. It is definitely a shocking contrast and I constantly go into shock when he switches (both ways), I also tend to live with a level of denial in that I don’t really feel the full impact of the other reality when he isn’t in it, so when he loves me I tend to forget how bad it feels when he doesn’t and when he doesn’t then I tend to end up hopeless and loose faith, so I let him go and the cycle starts all over again. I keep a diary and that helps because I know the dates but still no pattern. He is also very jealous which I am beginning to think is transference. It does turn you into a psychologist in the end.
He doesn’t ever think, hang on a minute I’ve felt this way before and gotten over it, he just thinks (angrily) I’ve told her over and over again and she should know by now. It is as if the times he tells me he loves me disappear from his memory when he is in one state and the times he doesn’t disappear when in the other state, with very little recollection of either.
Wow Zuki. Are we with the same man?
No, in all serious though, you just described how I feel and what I go through to the T. I find it hard to not argue back.
I have to fight myself to not say anything. And it’s hard.
Quite frankly, I am fed up with all this. I don’t want to walk on eggshells, and not say how I feel about something when I feel it. I also don’t like that I can’t get a point through his head and make him see how ridiculous he is being.
Sorry, my boyfriend has changed his mind about us again.
I’m just completely worn out. Especially when I am holding back so much from him right now. I want to yell, and fight this out and come to an understanding.. but I know it would just end up being fighting without any compromises or understanding. My boyfriend acts like a child, and I feel like his mother. I’m tired of it. I also wish there was a chat for this.
That’d be neat.
:/
I wish this was all easier. Ha, I wish life really did have an easy button.
Loving her,
You did exactly the right thing. You stood up for yourself and said what needed to be said, but you also let her know you still love her. That is exactly what I was told to do by my therapist and is what I have been doing with success. You did the right thing. I bet you felt better as far as your self confidence goes, but a little scared in regards to your relationship. Try to focus more on you. Very tough I know when you are faced with possibly losing the one you love so much, but constantly remind yourself of what you are willing to put up with, boundaries.
Michelle,
Try not to beat yourself up. Maybe go see a therapist and do some soul searching. It takes a lot to stand up to the ones we love knowing they could attack us or leave us. It is the step I think we all need to take though.
Zuki,
That is a tough one. I guess in that instance I would accomodate him if he wants space. I would let him know that I still love him and will be there for him. I might confront him when things are better about these episodes of withdrawal and how they make you feel. This switching is what drives us insane if we are unaware it is happening. I thought I was losing my mind when it would happen. It is very hard, but I was told by my therapist to remain “level headed”, meaning not allow myself to be brought up or down. This advice makes sense, because when things are good, they are great and if we allow ourselves to be captured by that feeling, when things come down, it is a huge emotional let down. We must remain level, not only for them but more importantly for us.
Funny you say that. I was considering going back to school to be a therapist. I have learned so much.
It is crazy isn’t it. My wife I think is starting to see the behavior or at least I think she is. Maybe it is the way I react to it. I used to get drawn into the arguments which would give “reason” to her voice of anger. Now I don’t and it forces her to see how inappropriate she acts at times.
This weekend on the way to Y my wife angered by something I said relating to working out. I think I mentioned that sit ups would not really help with her belly fat but cardio would. I said it nice, I didn’t say it accusatory, I was trying to be helpful. The fact is in any normal conversation it would have been fine. Well on the way I could tell she was seathing. I made the mistake of asking if anything was wrong. “DO NOT DO THIS”. They need to let you know if something is wrong. I was warned by my therapist to never do this, but I can’t help myself. It is automatic. Now the kids are both in the back seat and she says I am a f#%king a$$hole and that she hasn’t ever hated someone more than she hates me. She sounded just like whenever she does this. Pure anger and at me like I am a stranger, not her husband. I simply said wow that is a really mean thing to say, very calmly, my therapist would have been proud. She took two deep breaths and ignored me for the rest of the trip. I took both of our sons to the pool and then shot some baskets in the gym and when she was done working out came out like everything was fine. I could tell she was nervous though, like she knew what she did was wrong, but she never apologized. The fact is if I confronted her right then and there she would have used her “prepared” argument that I am sure she was working out while she was working out. I confronted her last night and she seems tired/depressed/ and irritable now. In fact this morning she was arguing with our 7 year old. I couldn’t tell which one was the adult. So I stepped in and told them both to calm down. She got angry at me for doing that and ignored me the rest of the morning. I told her I loved her. I am sure right now she feels abandoned and once again, maybe she won’t be home when I get home, but the important thing is to remain confident in your actions. If you don’t, they will sense that and use it against you. If you are confident, then you have the best chance of them doubting their actions and learning appropriate behavior. This means you have to take the high road in order to role model appropriate behavior. This is tough, because your natural inclination like me originally is to fight back. I am a natural fighter. Once I learned to control my anger, then I started to feel more in control of myself. You will also be proud of yourself for being the better person. Remember, you are not perfect, you will make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you should be verbally abused for them.
Panda,
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot. Last night my ex talked to my daughter then asked to speak to me. She said that she and I needed to get together and talk. That depending upon the outcome she would make plans to see my daughter or not. I told her that I did not think it was a good idea right now. She got mad and said that I was assuming and did not even ask. I told her that the way she worded things I felt I knew what she may want to say to me and with my family expecting my grandmother to pass away any time, that I did not need to hear anything from her that might make me feel bad and that if I was wrong to let me know. I haven’t heard from her since. One of her sisters told me that I should get her out of my life that she will never change, and the other told me that if she is still talking to me that there was a chance for us. Do you think I handled the conversation wrong? I just know that if I went through the whole meet to talk thing that I would have just been hurt some more. I did text her and told her that I am fine and am moving on with my life but for my daughter’s sake I hope she will stay in her life. I plan to leave it at that. I love her, but every conversation we have I am left hurt. I don’t want that anymore. I have enough things going on. Should I have agreed to having a sit down conversation with her?
Don’t mention it. It sounds like she might be using your daughter as an emotional tool to get at you. Correct me if I am wrong. Only you know if what you did was right for you. From my point of view, if you couldn’t handle her hurting you at that moment, then asking for a better time is not unreasonable. I don’t see anything wrong with what you said and it sounded like a pretty fair explanation of your situation. What you need to hear is that you didn’t do anything wrong Loving her. What you did was healthy and normal and was boundaries. Look it is true you had no idea what would have been said, but based on previous encounters, you had a sense that it could have gone bad and that you weren’t equiped to deal with that at the moment given your current circumstances. Sounds normal and healthy to me.
The hardest part, at least for me, was understanding what was normal and not. I had completely lost touch with that being in the chaos I was in for so long. I would wonder if I was being too hard on her by enforcing the boundaries. “Should I have done that?” was what I found myself thinking. It gets easier. Seeing a therapist and talking with family and friends helped tremendously.
Panda,
I was just accused (via text) that because I did not want to meet with her now and assumed the worst that I shut her out and to drop it because “what it is, is what it is” to nevermind and that I made the decision for her. I told her I am done chasing her and am going on with my life that I will always love and care about her unconditionally even if she has decided to walk out of my life completely. I doubt I will hear back from her. I am crushed.
Loving Her, I can’t believe how much strength you sound like you have built in such a short space of time! From my personal experience, you made such a brave and what sounded like the better decision, not to meet up with your ex. Self preservation and respect goes much further in the long run, and it is so great you are putting yourself first a bit more.
I will quickly update you on my situation. I decided not to contact my ex at all for a while, and if he was to initiate contact then of course I would chat, but I just didn’t want to make the first move. For the same reasons as you really in that I knew that everytime recently I had contact, I took one step forward and two backwards and felt hurt. Anyway, my ex has started to contact me a bit more, and it feels he is finally starting to get back to a bit of normality in his head. We met today for a coffee, and there was the twinkle back in his eye. He even put his arm around me as we walked outside…??… I never thought I would say this part – the problem is, I am changing now, and not sure I want his arm around me. I never thought the decision about our future would be down to me aswell, I was aways ready to go straight back with him as soon as he was ready, but I feel I have a huge decision to make now… How the tables turn, and quite quickly in the scheme of things.
You will hear back from her, even though you are crushed inside right now, as you are starting to experience, time is a healer and things will pan out one way or another.
Bella,
Thank you for your kind words. I think with having to deal with my grandmother being so sick my focus is on spending as much time with her as I can, and along with that comes the worry and sadness of watching her suffer. I have reached the point that I am tired of hurting. I am tired of crying. I have begun to put my wall back up. As much as I love my ex and wish she were back in my arms I realize that she doesn’t want to be and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I will still pray that she gets well and finds happiness, but other than that I know there is absolutely nothing I can do. Only she can change anything regarding us ever having a relationship again. My hope is that if she does ever return that I won’t have built too high of a wall and be afraid to let her back in. I love her with all that I am. Anyway, please keep me posted on your situation it helps to know that I am not alone.
Bella,
She just called my daughter to tell her goodnight. She did not talk to me, but I am glad she called my daughter and didn’t just disapear like I thought she might. It doesn’t mean she never will, but atleast not yet. Atleast if she calls my daughter I know she is still alive!
Loving her,
If I were a betting man I would bet she will at some point want you back, but I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on you and not on her or getting her back. If she wants to come back she will and at that point YOU can decide whether or not this is something YOU want. It is her decision whether or not she wants to come back and it is your decision on whether you want to take her back. Simple, but these are things I struggled with myself. It is extremely empowering once you realize you are in control of your life. These relationships create almost slaves of us through fear and anxiety. By focusing on you, you will learn to live independently from the relationship which I beleive is vital. Of course I am no therapist, but I can’t imagine being wrapped up like I used to be and then dumped and doing it over and over again. My relationship has taken on new meaning. I had to get rid of some preconceieved notions of what a relationship should be in order for it to continue. I did this by choice, and that choice was mine to make. That choice is not for everyone. Take the time apart to focus on you, you won’t regret it.
Panda,
Well…. it is definitely over. She sent me a long email saying so many things that I just cannot take it anymore. Be it her true self or her illness, I cannot take the lies and hurt anymore. She told me not to contact her any more and I won’t. I am done. I thought she was worth it and after her email I don’t think she can be worth my emotions any longer. I do love her, but I am done. She destroyed my life and is now hurting my little girl… I cannot forgive her for walking out of my daughter’s life and leaving me to explain and clean up the mess. How do I explain to a little girl why a grown up she loves with all of her heart will never be in her life again.
May God truly bless you all and I pray that you will live in happiness and in love.
Loving her,
Keep the email. Print it off. It helps to remember and put things into perspective if you start to have doubts or if she comes back. Just read it again. It is amazing how people on here have the propensity to forgive and forget. Don’t let that forgiveness allow you to forget your worth. Also keep a journal. I did and it helped tremendously.
I hope you find someone deserving of your love, you deserve better.
Thank you Panda.
I have been in a relationship with a man with bipolar disorder for 3 and a half months. Three weeks ago began his first depressive period since we met. In a short time, I have already determined that I love him. However, having read much of what is on this site is terrifying to me. We are not children, by the way. He is 39 and I am 38. We have both been married before. I have children and he does not. He is very proactive about his disorder and from what I understand, his last depressive episode occurred years ago. Our relationship is young and I want to give this every chance, but I don’t want to lose myself. His “new”personality is, frankly, mean and hurtful. Any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.
yes tracey, as soon as he is mean, tell him you will not tolerate it and walk away, do not argue or try to explain yourself when he makes things up. do not fight or name call, just simply get out of the way, they can be very mean nasty, but will lose any trust in you if you turn like a viper and retaliate. it is sooooooo hard. M xx
my bipolar ex dumped me.I am also bipolar,I was taking my meds not sure if he took his or not. He was very controlling,verbally abusive and withheld intamacy and sex from me.
I understand being bipolar can cause us to do these things, but I also understand taking your medication and taking the right medication reduces the occurance and severity of these actions if not preventing them completely.
he dumped me,called me every name in the book and then asked for a reconcillation maybe in the future, but in the next breath he is moving out of state with his mom in a year.
I went into a deep depression,cried for hours and then realized he is toxic and making me sick.
being bipolarlar doesn’t give us licence to abuse those around us, nor should it force others to put up with it. I understand some understanding and compassion should be there for a bipolar but the amount he wanted was just ridiculous. He called me the foulest names immanginable,put down each and everything I did and left me emotionally allienated. Meanwhile if I had a mood swing or shut down because of it he would get mad because I was spacey and unresponsive.
I am far away from him, and although I am bipolar I deserve respect as others deserve mine. And if I am ever in a sitaution where I am unable to control myself I would rather be alone than abuse someone the way I myself was abused.
Bipolar is a horrible devestating illness that takes a considerable amount of understanding by those who love us, but its also not a free for all license to inflict pain on others because we love. And thats exactly what he did to me, he inflicted scars that will never heal,expecting absoloute understanding while I myself was allowed none even though we both shared the same disease.
Lisa, it is so great to hear your experience of both having an ex partner who suffered with bipolar and how this affected you and your relaionship, and also how having bipolar yourself affects you. It is interesting how you have separated the behaviour (verbal attacks) that alot of us have reported experiencing from our partners with bipolar, from the illness itself. Do you mean that this part of the agitation towards loved ones when in an episode boils down to the personality of the person or the illness?…Or both? This illness ( as with any illness) can only be truely understood by those that experience it firsthand, it is something I would never wish upon anyone, but you, along with those that have bipolar are the experts in bipolar as far as I’m concerned!
Panda,
I just want to say thank you so much for your advice – I’ve been managing so much better keeping that attitude in mind. I’ve avoided several of my husband’s attempts at verbal degrading by saying clearly and calmly that good relationships have healthy boundaries and I’m not going to allow you to insult me in that way, then calmly walking out of the room. I’ve been working on keeping a level head and not being drawn into anything either petty or dramatic. I’m aware that I’m having a good spell and being careful not to be over confident with it but so far I’ve managed to avoid being upset, which is a huge bonus. I really think the boundaries thing is excellent advice and helps to ensure that we don’t loose our identity in the emotions of the other person.. so easily done. Well, just wanted to say thank you. Hope you and all on here are having a good weekend or coping the best we can at any rate.
I am glad to hear it is working for you Suki. I found if nothing else boundaries made me feel better. It seems it is doing the same for you. The bonus is that eventually changing yourself means the other has to deal with that change. He will have to adjust his behavior to some degree. My wife is struggling with it, but I think she has made tremendous progress. Last night she said something mean to me on multiple occassions. I let her know that I felt that what she said was mean and hurtful and then left and went to bed. This morning, she apologized for what she did. I immediately hugged her and let her know I appreciated the apology, hopefully reinforcing good behavior and lessening the fear of rejection. I have noticed far fewer indiscretions on her part. It seems she is learning my boundaries to some degree. It takes time.
I’ve been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much ‘pressure’.
I realised she didn’t have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist – she became much better – all with good results and on new meds (lithium and another one – sorry – cant remember). Subsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.
As I’m sure you know too well – there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not ‘right’ as such and sometimes – as she put it – her brain ‘wasn’t right’. During this period she would start to question many things in her life – sometimes including me – however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.
Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She had a lot of triggers suddenly kicking in and she kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her ‘head would stop’, that she ‘hates this feeling’ and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now – is not a good sign…
Two days later – more questions regarding our relationship – again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn’t good again – I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately – and she said ‘no – it’s been about six months!!’ I asked her to book in – which she later told me she didn’t…
That night she didn’t want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.
The next night I went and saw her and again – she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago – although she told me she’d never do that again.
Again – she was banging her head – and shaking it – saying she ‘had all these thoughts trying to get to the front’.
She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn’t want to see me that morning – but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn’t been to sleep – went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she ‘needed to think’. She was clearly in some kind of ‘psychotic episode’ or ‘mania’ but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.
When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break – and that she ‘needed space’. She also said she loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore even though we were discussing marriage / kids two days before! She’s also continually bringing up that I don’t love her or find her attractive anymore etc.
We discussed all this calmly but she said she ‘wished her head would stop’ and I asked her to please see her psychiatrist again.
I ‘did’ give her this space and had no contact for a week and a half (I knew she was going to work during this time – but then she puts on a convincing ‘mask’). Out of the blue she rang me to see if I was ‘OK’. She seemed sheepish / nervous – she said she still hasn’t seen her psych but said she knows she has to, to get her meds changed etc. I kept the chat nice and light, no relationship talk, and we sort of left it at ‘well call me if you want to chat.’
It’s been six days again since any contact. Now I don’t know what to do – should I ring her again and initiate contact? ShouId I be putting more pressure on her to see her psych?
Thanks for your help – this board is a great relief.
Regards Scott
My girl takes off for atleast two months at a time. Always comes up with a reason that is my fault. I told her to try loving me a little more then she loves herself. Seems to me that all she cares about is herself.. Think about it? Give more then you get? Yeah it blows your mind dosn’t it?
I noticed that all the things she told me about her x husband cheating on her. And her kids being scared of me ect .. is actually what she is thinking about me. Has anyone else here used a third person to make there point?
Another thing she used to tell me is she will never walk on egg shells again.. I am the only one who is walking on these egg shells not her. She says what she wants to say and then walks away. I hear the term egg shlls alot on here.. She says its bad judgment on her part.. Can someone reallly be that numb as not to think pushing them away and cheating on the person who loves you hurts? If anyone understands what I am asking please write id like to know.
Robert, she is projecting. My wife does this a lot. If she says that I am selfish, it is because she is feeling selfish, knows it, but refuses to own it. If she accuses me of not wanting to spend time with her, it is she who is not wanting to spend time with me and would rather it be my fault, not hers, once again, not owning up to reality. I feel our partners know reality to some degree but shut it out because it can be painful. So they live in this crazy imaginary land which can drive us nuts because unless we are confident in our reality, we will start to question ourselves all the time.
Lost and Found, sounds like projection. You are walking on eggshells yet she is accusing you of basically being a tirant. My wife did the same thing, actually accused me of being controlling and manipulative, still does it sometimes when I enforce my boundaries. Everyone who sees our interactions knows that I am not manipulative or controlling, in fact quite the opposite, calm, rational, and very giving. It is actually she who is controlling and manipulative and on some level she knows it, but once again it is too painful for her to face.
Walking on eggshells is basically watching what you say,do,look,feel,and variations of all those just to not get the negative reaction out of your partner. Trying to not upset them. It is living in fear of upsetting the other. The sad fact is no matter what you do, it will never be enough so walking on eggshells is never the answer. It won’t help you or them.
I have a question, do you find yourself a lot of the times watching what you say and do because you know it will upset your partner? Does this cause you stress because it is like walking on a tight rope all the time? If so, you are walking on eggshells.
Hi Panda
Yes Robert and lost and found are one in the same
I am walking on eggshells as I write this because of the fact I am afraid she may see this post and it may cause more trouble. I actually do not walk on eggshells that much at all. I have been with her for six months with most of that time being spent by myself feeling sad and depressed because she has left again. I can tell in the little time we have been toghether when she is starting to change. It starts off so sweet and kind then changes into her being jealous of me with other woman that I am friends with. Then she will progress to telling me she is going out with so and so (a person I dont really know) But I guess this other person is her party partner who takes her out to bars and toghether they get involved with men they pick up there? This is only my thought. Why else would she say I will be mad and then tell me shes going out with her? Infact I told her so what it will be her loss because she will not be with me. This seems to confuse her. I was hoping it would make her think what shes doing? When that did not cause the desired effect (Fighting) she will set me up for the disappearing act anyway she has too. Usally by telling me that I freaked out her kids (By showing up un announced) or some other form of that. Her kids never want to see me again was her last comment. and also told me we have nothing to discuss when I told her I would like to talk to her about this when she has time. on the 8th of April it will be two full months I havent seen her. Today being only march 11th means I still have time. In the short time we have been toghether I have saved some text messages and put toghether sort of a grid that tells me two months is about how long it takes for her to get back to me.. This time my son was nearly hurt by her son in what I feel was an attempt to get rid of me and my son. Mine and hers are both the same age. I do not know if she will return this time. This all happend after her telling me we will be toghether for ever and the hole nine yards of how much she loves me ect..ect.. This leaves me wondering will she come back? should I wait and text or call her near the months end?Is she capable of actually loving me? Sorry about all the questions but i am so hurt and confused. Missing her so bad it has put me into depreshion. Thank you for any help you can offer on these points..
As you can tell I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree. My spelling sucks. Do you think my girl seeks out not so good looking and not so bright guys because we can be dumped easyer?
I don’t think they seek out people they think are dumb. You are smart enough to research this and seek out help. I bet you are a lot smarter than you think. They do tend to end up in relationships, longer term relationships that is, with people who are very giving, selfless, and able to put up with a lot. The reason for this is simple, we are the only ones who would put up with the s#it they throw at us. Any “selfish” person would have laughed at the behavior and left. Any non giving person would not have met their endless needs and left. Any person who is not able to put up with a lot would not be able to deal with the leaving and coming back so often.
By the way, it seems like you have a pretty low self esteem by thinking you are not attractive or intelligent. If you want to stand any chance with her in the long run, you NEED a strong positive view of yourself. Otherwise she will use that low self esteem against you. KNOW you deserve better treatment from her. Then if you decide to stick it out, you will be well armed to deal with her behavior.
Thank you very much.. I am new to this sort of relationship and feel although I am grasping for straws. But talking to someone that nows what its like is a big relief and I dont feel as helpless as I did just a few short hours ago.. I have time now to think about my next move incase she comes back. I am amazed by a lot of great things she can do and has done. But very sad to think she is living some sort of a half valued life. Like living a lie. Losing out on so many good things in favor of what I see as a cheap manic high. I say cheap because the thought of her feeling good over stuff that has no value hanging in bars going with men who may have STD’s and laughing at things that are not funny or real. Loseing out on the things that are important and remembering what the real good times are.. when things are really good in every sence of the word… And letting it all go.. For things that arent real.. Solid factual fun.. Am i losing you here? Sorry if I am but its hard to get the words out for what i am trying to say.. real fun with lasting memories verses fake made up and not real things.. Do you think once the dust settles she will remember what she has left beind (Me) ? Were any of the things she told me real things about loveing me and being with me forever? Or was it only a way to set me up for the kill? Time to cook dinner for my kids. Thank you again and if its ok I will be back. Maybe in some way the things I write will relate to what someone else is going through and help in some way. You are a wonderful person and I appreciate you taking the time you do for others..
Robert,
It can get really tough to answer the question whether or not they will return to you. Although all our partners pretty much do they exact same thing to each other, they are all different. It’s a matter of knowing your partner well enough to decide what the outcome will be. There always seems to be a pattern when my boyfriend leaves, he does the same stuff, gets bored with it and then returns. Before my boyfriend and I got together he was swallowing cough medicine, drinking, or getting high almost every day. When we got together, I told him I wouldn’t tolerate that. When he gets manic he says I am stopping him from living the life he loves, having fun, he doesn’t even love me, and I am holding him back ect. So every time he leaves me, he spends anywhere from a couple of days to a month reliving this life that he says I have taken away from him. Of course he gets bored with it, comes back saying how stupid it was and how it’s not like to used to be, not worth it and that he was stupid for letting me go. However, I have forced my boyfriend to realize that he is Bipolar and to accept it. A couple months ago I told him I was going to leave him, go to a different state to stay with my mom and that I couldn’t handle this anymore. He came back the next day apologizing, saying he was going to get help and that he was selfish and thought I would always be there to return to. You know what I realized? He had been doing all this stuff to me because I let him. So I stopped, I no longer walk on eggshells around him. Since that day, he has been so much better. He tells me when he is being manic, and when he is depressed. I can’t guarantee that he will continue to be doing this well forever, but he has changed a significant amount. I did as much research into bipolar as I could, I read him the symptoms and even read him some of content from this site written from others who are bipolar as well. He seemed shocked, because he didn’t truly understand what bipolar was. He just thought it would make him depressed from time to time. I think now when he is ready to venture off back to the “life he loves” he realizes it has something to do with his illness and he hold back on it. Of course, it has taken me two years to get here, from fights to breaking up and enduring so much pain. The reason I tell you this is because I believe there is hope and I thought there never would be.
I hope you have a good day, and good luck.
Brie, well put. Stories like that are great. It highlights why we should not put up with bad behavior and not walk on eggshells because it won’t help you or your partner. It takes a lot of guts. You have to be willing to lose your partner, no empty threats. That is where I am, I don’t feel nearly as close to my wife as I did before. This is where I am balancing my love for her and my love for myself and protecting my emotions. In a way I have already let go of her in order to detach. This has had a positive effect on our relationship as it has forced my wife to see her behavior for what it was…unacceptable. I am hoping as time goes on that our relationship will meet in the middle where I enforce my boundaries while still being very close. I found it is easier to enforce boundaries at an emotional distance. That is just me though. I wish I knew 14 years ago what I know now. Would I have run away?
No relationship is perfect and although these relationships can be emotionally draining, they can be exrtremely fulfilling as well. It is just so different from what I considered “normal”, what I imagined my marriage would be. It forced me to reevaluate what I really need out of a relationship and what I was willing to live with. For some it isn’t worth the trouble and they decide to leave. Only you will know the answer of what is right for you.
Hello everyone, I have been in a relationship for 6yrs now and I’m 54 & my partner 53
She just come out of her first episode in a yr or so, it really hurts when your accused of different crimes, told she doesn’t love you ect…. need I go on, anyways my point is that I love her and I wait for sometimes 3mnts till she comes round, the depression is awful to watch, yet I love her so much every time I welcome her back into my life, on her meds she’s a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent girl & frankly the love of my life, she has tried just about every treatment, shock, congnitive therapy, several different specialist, and no joy.
I will wait until the day she pushes me away forever, thats how much I love my girl
thank you wayne
Hi Subversive
My GF is also going on three months. he pushed me away again and this time I watched the entire thing unfold.
There was nothing I could do. She used any and every means possible to come up with a reason why I had to go.
The last one being I freaked her kids out. The only one who freaked out was her. But her kids have seen this before and jumped right in to make sure the deal was sealed. Can you believe she has a 10 yr old running her life? It will be three months by the time the 28th gets here. Then I will see if she changes back to the wonderful woman that I love. After reading some postings I have been left with even more feelings of guilt. I have no idea if people with BP are ether the most loving to the point of being exstreme or the coldest of liers. Ether way I love and miss her but I also need to keep myself healthy.
One important question I have and could really use a answer to is. will my gf with bp remember why she left me? When and if she comes out of this will she forget what it was that caused her to leave? She makes up these reasons to get rid of me. Is it because she feels a episode comming on and needs me gone?.Please if anyone could help me with this id appreciate it a lot..
Hey Robert, it’s a bitch, she can be so cruel then she avoids me for months on end, all along thinking well i don’t know what! She lives in her own apartment, but just before this episode she’s been living with me cause her landlord won’t fix things like brown water, broken pipes ect… thru depression, then almost old self then someone crashes into her little car.
so anyway, about a month ago out of the blue she moves all her clothes and stuff and moves back to her place!
Then the accusations start in about a week, first i like little boys, ( yet i have 2 daughters from a previous marriage) then im the biggest drug dealer in town and i’m going to jail, and quote ” you know what they think of people like that in jail”
If thats not enough she then comes over raving that I’ve taken $1100 from her acc somehow!!!
Yet I still love her more than life, the bad times are the price i pay for an incredible loving woman. at the moment I’ve written 2 letters, several txt msgs, & delivered an appointment from a dr round on a note.. she’s in driveway, i stop car, jump out, walk round to her backdoor and put app note on table, she follows me all the way, i turn not saying a word, she gets this look in her eyes that are pure hate.
So all that, driving cross town to deliver a note and not once did we make eye contact, no verbal…. it’s unbelievable!!! People say why don’t you get away from her?? I say nothing, they don’t understand what great lady she can be….. very frustrating mate!!
My take from what I have read and have been told by a professional is that they truly feel what they feel. If they say your the biggest jerk or whatever, they feel that at that moment, it isn’t a lie to them. If they say they love you so much it hurts, then at that moment they truly feel that way. They feel to extremes. They have no control over their emotions.
She will remember why she left and will feel guilt about it but that guilt is painful and so she will push it away.
My wife has done the reasons to get rid of me thing too. You are not alone. In my case (borderline wife) I believe it plays out like this, I say something that triggers a fear of abandonment in my wife, possibly she feels abandoned emotionally by something completely innocuous that I said but to her she feels completely and utterly let down (black and white) I am evil to her at this point. Then she will try and pick me apart, using anything I say twisting it to make it out like I am being mean or insensitive, this is the black and white thinking again, but uses a lot of projection, I think this is mostly for her benefit to tie in with how she feels about me at that moment. Then she will play the victim to make herself feel better about what she is about to do and do this with her family so they won’t think she is crazy and to get their support and probably accuse me of being abusive or manipulative. Now of course since she has done this so often she knows at this point it will be nearly impossible for her to do these things again without looking crazy to her family, so now she is forced to deal with me or come up with something very creative to make me look bad to her family if it gets to that point.
She is getting better at communicating and I am getting better at using factual statements to draw out her feelings and put her mind at ease in a very delicate way. Honestly, I take it one day at a time. But it definately gets easier with time and practice.
So in my case she projects that I may cheat on her because this is what she is thinking she will do or that I may abandon her?. Then sets me up to come over her house by telling me she is shoveling snow from her driveway and is in pain. And when I show up acuses me of showing up un-announced and that I freaked her kids out (her support) So the kids play into this knowing mom will get rid of me and that is what they want anyway.. So they (Her Kids) feed into her the idea that she is right for doing this and in turn she can ligitimize she is doing it to me in order to protect her kids? So I am in a vicious cycle where I do not stand a chance of getting her back. Please tell me should I wait a little longer and then write to her and let her (cat out of the bag so to speak?) I otherwise feel all is lost.. And this is about as deep into thinking as a person can get with out driveing myself crazy.
There are not many people like us who will try to search out ways to help our loved ones. Most people would run away. If I am forced to leave I worry the next guy will not take it so easy and hurt her. That is why I ask so much. I worry about her being hurt by someone everyday.
She might be thinking of cheating or she might think if she were you she would cheat because she knows what she is putting you through on some level, or maybe she is just paranoid as that is quite common in people with bipolar I have read. You know it isn’t true. The main thing as I was told, when you are accused on nonsense like that simply state facts about how YOU view it. Maybe say I haven’t cheated on you but am sorry you are having a hard time trusting me. Or don’t… the choice is yours. That is the key point I think many people in these relationships forget, they have power and choices that they alone can make.
The shoveling of the driveway in pain sounds like a “victim” role to me. Then when you show up, “savior”, you are labled the “persecutor” and her the “victim”, but here is the irony, wasn’t she the “persecutor”, yelling at you trying to help her….that is projection. Maybe she felt guilty that you showed up to help and didn’t fit the role of persecutor like she wanted. This is a vicous cycle. My therapist told me people with these disorders are stuck in a triangle with the roles of victim, savior, and persecutor when in reality there are far more roles than 3. There might be no one to blame, but they don’t know how to deal with that.
Karpman’s Drama Triangle, look it up, it is an eye opener when you realize you have been living it for a long time without realizing it.
How long you wait is completely up to you. Every person is different. If it were me, of course knowing what I know now, I would give her space and work on myself. Do things I want to do and try and enjoy life without her. Do you want to go over there to get abused? When and if she is calm towards you is the only time you will be able to move the relationship forward.
If you are forced to leave then it is her problem, not yours. Her loss. You need to read some books on codependency so you can detach a little. You need to put yourself first. I have heard on here the example of oxygen masks on an airplane. Put on yours before you attempt to put on others. Why? Because if you pass out who is going to help them. You need to get to a place where you are strong enough to deal with what is thrown at you. I can tell you I have had a couple breakdowns where I questioned whether or not I wanted to be in my relationship. This is tough stuff. I understand your fear, beleive me, I have felt the exact same thing, only with my kids witnessing it. Now I put myself first. Her decisions are hers to make. Mine are mine to make. It is a very hard thing to do when you are so used to giving and giving and giving to the emotional black hole of your partner, but once you do that, then you will be able to help them indirectly by being strong enough not to put up with it.
I hope this helps a little.
PS, I used to drive myself and my friends and family nuts thinking about what she was thinking and focusing on her.
Panda you and this forum are my life line. You have no idea the comfort you and it has given to me. I will be printing this out and going over each and every word with a fine tooth comb. Your words and time are not wasted on me that is for sure. I will take your advice and use this time to collect and learn. If it cannot be fixed then so be it. I have tryed and will continue to the meantime to understand what we both are going through (me and her) Thank you so very much. Funny how much we have in common you and me
Another psych tip that might help you keep your cool when your other half is loosing theirs… sometimes people exhibit attention seeking behaviour when they are seeking to find reassurance in the competence of their partner – so on some level although they are freaking out they are really looking to you to be calm and show that you know what is going on (because inside they have no clue) – if you react by being dragged into the drama (role playing etc) then it actually freaks them out more because they are fearful that you might not be in control either – but if you can maintain your cool (in a nice / supportive way) and not be drawn into overreactions then you can be very helpful to someone who is loosing it emotionally just by the fact that you are calm.
follow up post – admittedly it is easier said than done.
I keep an electronic diary that only I have access to where I note things that help and I have a section which I refer to when things go crazy – mostly just short lines to help gain some focus. Reminders that help to keep some sanity!
Its friday night so she’s out on the town, very manic, vunerable but in her mind invincible the world is her oyster, Then when i see her shopping tomorrow, no hi no kiss me.. no nothing but that cold, evil look that just looks like “you’re scum, just nothing to me.
In few months back at door, wanting a hug, crying, very remorseful, & sucker me gladly accepts her yet again!!!
It turns you into a nervous wreak i tell you guys……. funny part is she remembers most of the episode every time…. wish the doctors would do their jobs & put her in hospital for a month or so, get her medication under control…. but the times she doe’s get put in.. i go pick her up for weekend and they simply call her the monday morning & ask her how she’s feeling…. naturally she says ok so they just give her bed to someone else….. no discussion no questions… in her eyes she’s free!!!! then because they let her go too soon,,,, she continues from where she was up to in her manic state!!! Crazy Man Just Crazy
Hi Panda
I made contact with her last night she was on-line for hrs as always so I thought Id say hello. What I got in reply made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
She remembers perfectly well what happend the day it snowed and I went there to help her shovel and again she said I had no buisness showing up at her home un announced and that I freaked her kids out. So I asked her when did they freak since during the few minutes I was there they seemed to be fine? She told me that when I drove up her 10yr old son screamed what the Fu–k is he doing here? And she continued to tell me that he is the man of the house and he makes the decisions on everything! I was shocked and tryed to remind her that she is the adult and that she is the one who supports him not the other way around. She told me Fu-k you again. She said he is the man of the house and what he says goes since the kids come first. At this point I am trying to come to terms on whether or not to notifye CPS because this to me is sick. Here is a little background on what I learned about this kid in the few months I dated her. He was cought lighting fires on the side of the house and blamed it on his friend a few days later while she was doing his laundry she found a lighter in his pocket and asked told me she thinks he is smoking and it is the sons friends fault as she said the friend that is 12 is a piece of shit! This is how she talks about a 12 yr old.My son at his request stayed there one night for a sleep over the next day she let them go for a bike ride. Her son gave my son a bicycle with a broken peddle and kept egging my son on to keep up with him. He was riding while my son ended up carrying the bike almost two miles in each direction. My son later told me that her son rode his bike across a major Hwy and once on the other side tryed to coax my son to cross while cars were comming and as he was carrying the bike. I feel this kid tryed to get my son hit by a car. The kid is getting into fights in school and is encouraged to use four letter words such as Fuc- He shouted this out infront of my two kids and her sister and her kids and her sister only laughed. Both the sisters kids also have foul mouths. And now I am wondering what else may be going on in that house with him being head of the house? I am disgusted and shaken upand not sure what to do. I will deffinetly not be going near her ever again but am worried that the next guy she dates if he has kids his kids may end up being hurt or killed by her son. Also my son texted her kid to tell him I had bought him a new fish for his fish tank. Her son cursed me.. my son and my sons mother who he had never met. I asked her last night if she felt that since he is the head of the house was it alright for her son to do that? She said it was because my son started it. And that is not true because I went through my sons phone and read the text. My son did not say anything bad at all until that kid talked nasty about my sons mom.. Should I make the call to CPS? I would feel terrible if they take her kids or she loses her job if they put her in a hospital for treatment but I feel the situation is out of hand.
PS it was the sons decision that she broke up with me.. How sick is that?
Hey mate, that is pretty weird but nothing surprises me with my girl,,,, if she still is after this one…..
Lost and Found, Holy Jesus. I thought I was living in dysfunction junction. I feel so bad for you and your son. I am glad I have been able to help you. I love helping people. I sometimes think I should have been a doctor or a teacher instead of getting into finance. I like how money works, but the industry is full of scumbags.
I think that is about the most dysfunctional person I have heard about Lost and Found. Literally no control over anything in her life. It is very difficult to see how you could help her when a kid is running her life. I am not sure what you should do. That kid sounds dangerous to me, kill you in your sleep dangerous. I would get my kid away from her kid and keep it that way. I would be thinking about you and your kid first. I understand you are worried about what her kid might do to some future kid, but are you prepared to deal with all the drama and the consequences of calling CPS? That is not your responsibility. I would focus on providing a stable environment for my son and myself before worrying about her, her kid, or the possibility of some future kid dealing with her son. Remember the oxygen mask example. That is just me though. If you are feeling guilty about the possibility of something horrible happening in the future and you not doing anything about it, then call, but do so with the expectation that things could get very difficult for you and your son. Does she live close to you? Does your kid go to the same school as hers?
Zuki, you are right about the testing. When I became more confident, and didn’t worry so much about what my wife thought about my actions etc…, and stopped walking on eggshells, things actually improved. I am in a sense her lighthouse in the storm of her life. It is bizarre, but Zuki put it best, they are out of control inside and need you to be stable for them. Fake it until you make it. Pretend to be confident even if you aren’t. Stick to what you beleive is right despite their objections. I did, and although my wife went kicking and screaming, things improved dramatically. She even told me that she likes it when I am confident. I am not sure she knows completely why. It never fully goes away, unitl they seek help and get it so I am told, but it seems it is at least now in control and somewhat stable. Before our relationship was out of control, I felt I had no control in the relationship and my wife felt the same way even though she was controlling everything. Strange and foreign when you think about it. But that is the reality.
I sent one last I-M to her account that she was signed off on so I dont have to deal with a reply now. She will get it when she signes on. I said I am sorry for loseing my temper with her but I did it because I am hurt and pissed that she allowed a child to bring all this pain on me and my son ( mostly me) I told her she is a failure as a mother and a ass hole. And I Feel pretty bad about it now but oh well..
I also told her I cannot deal with it anymore that I deserve better and that she should look towards taking care of herself.
Then I just wrote take care…
Now I will pick up the peices of my life and move on and try to never look back again. This whole thing has been a nightmare and I am almost ashamed I tryed to think I could change things. I had no idea a person could be this screwed up. As far as CPS I will back off of that idea for now. But if any trouble comes out of this I will make the call. She lives far enough away that I should have no trouble avoiding her. But she works near by an Accountant can you believe it!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP AND KIND WORDS. If anything happens or changes I may be back for more advise.. You really did help alot I appreciat that. But my troubles here were way too deep.. I hope I come out of this a stronger person.. God bless you all the well and the ill..
Lost and found/Robert
I am glad you are getting out of the situation, and moving on with your life. She sounds like she is being brainwashed by her kid, and that’s just kind of scary to me. Her kid sounds scary to me. Take care of yourself, and put yourself first in this situation. If her kid doesn’t like you, and she puts him first you will never win. :/ Good luck to everything, and your heart will heal in time. Now go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.
Lost and Found,
I think you made the right choice. That was a no win situation. The kid clearly would disrupt any progress you might make with her. Most importantly the kid seemed like a danger to your son. Remember, it is not your responsibility to take care of her and her son. It is your responsibility to look after yourself and your son. With time, you will probably be amazed at the sense of freedom and ease that comes with not having to deal with the drama.
I am feeling tons of guilt for what I said to her when I flipped and lost my temper. I am hoping she does not harm herself when she comes out of this. I only said what i did because she was nasty and un caring and tryed to blame my son for the nasty things her kid said and did to mine. I never should have said shes a bad mom and the guilt alone is killing me. Any advise on this? God I feel so low..
I sent one last text that I am pretty sure was deleted upon its arrival. I wrote that I was heart broken and upset and that I was sorry and didnt mean it.. That will be the last time I try to make contact. Even though I havent seen her in two months I am still shaken by what could have happened. I have one last weird question to ask of anyone who may have a answer. But its too weird to ask right now because I dont want you to think I am nuts.. I will post it soon.. Thank you everyone
I think everyone has said or did things they are not proud of. In your case, it is understandable that you would be angry and lose your temper dealing with what you were dealing with. What you said was true, although the delivery could have been a little softer.
Try not to blame yourself for losing your temper, you have a right to be angry. I think in these situations we feel out of control. Sometimes I myself would feel like I was the one who was crazy. Subjects were changed when issues of my wife’s arose and faults of mine were pointed out and focused on when they had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Discussions turned into arguments and would usually end with my wife getting one last sucker punch in before she would storm off. Or me following her trying to make sense of her behavior and subjecting myself to more abuse. I found myself blamed for anything that went wrong or if stress happened in my wife’s life, I knew it wouldn’t be long before I became the release of that stress by her blaming me for something or yelling at me. I can’t tell you how many times I have lost my temper in the past. I mean seriously lost my temper where I used the same verbal insults to get back at my wife that she used on me. I would feel guilty too. Then when I learned to control my anger and remain calm and point out her behavior she saw how out of control she was, whereas if I got angry, in her mind it gave a reason for her behavior. That is why I sometimes think that they are trying to get an angry reaction out of you to conform to “their” reality. If you stay in control of your emotions, it shatters their reality and forces them to see their actions for what they are. Someone pointed out not long ago that they are testing us in a way to make sure we are sane and stable when they are not, I think it was Zuki.
Here is the question I have been holding off on please dont think im wacked or anything but here it goes . Hold on to your hats…. Has anyone who lives with or stays with someone with this type of disorder ever hear weird noises like load banging and or foot steps breathing sounds or anything coming from the house? OMG you must all think I have flipped but I didnt.. She told me a few times when she first moved into her new house that she had trouble getting used to the noise at night. I didnt really think much of it since she didnt really seem bothered by it at all. I just thought it was your regulare sqeaky sounds from like the wind or maybe the house settling. Well the first night I slept there that house was rock and rolling all night. Its sounded like a heavy person was jumping and down and walking all over the place and making a hell of a lot of noise on the second floor … Funney thing is there is no second floor its a one floor house! So I went outside to see if anyone was up there and there was nothing. No wind or trees rubbing or banging on the house. I checked all around the house and the roof is almost flat so there was no place anyone could hide. There was nothing there … So my question is have any of you ever noticed anything like this? There is even a little more to this.. Holy crap I am just starting to hit me how screwed up things have been these past six months..
I see stuff out of the corner of my eye all the time even when I was a kid so I can’t say it is linked with living with someone with a mood disorder. You aren’t crazy, but I find it hard to beleive there is a link between supernatural happenings and mood disorders. Was it windy out? Is it a very old or new house. Could be settling. Is there an animal in the attic. There are lots of possibilities.
The only noises I hear from living with my wife is the occasional screaming that comes from her losing control of her emotions.
Nothing out of the ordinary. 
Hi Panda. The house dont seem to be that old. Maybe the 1950′s and everything looks like it has been re done. even the roof looks fairly new. There are two reasons I brought it up. One even though I have seen some pretty odd things in my time but the amount of noise the weight of what ever was making the noise. I swear it sounds like a person a large heavy person walking and banging around two.. the fact that she was not very upset by it at all.. She was like the noise makes it hard to sleep and she told me she felt like a dog was breathing in her face one night. A few nights after I slept there I had the water in my sink turned on at 4AM and one of those times it happend right in front of me. It took a good half to three quarters of a turn to shut it off.. I just wanted to put this question out there on the board to see if anyone else has had simular stuff happen. I was thinking maybe there some bad energy that attracks stuff like this? maybe the two have nothing in common? I dont know.. But it was too weird to not bring up
Oh there was no wind at all.. very quiet night..
Hi guys n gals
Well I’ve finally done it, I’ve written a letter to my girl of 6 yrs saying that I can’t take it anymore, that it’s time I looked after my own health.
Then I sent a txted msg saying how hard it was to write my last letter.
3 hrs later my phone rings, private no then when I pickup they hangup on me, think it was her and she just couldn’t talk to me at the last minute.
I explained in the letter that she needs someone that can give her more help, not that I didn’t try.
It’s made me so sad but as I said to her, it’s for the best, I just can’t take the episodes anymore, & the verbal attacks.
I hope she understands & doesn’t hate my forever.
Subbie
Hi sub.. I have also been getting the hang up calls. I am starting to think the only thing that means anything to my x gf is the manic hyper stage. I think its more important to them then anyone or anything. I would love to video her while shes all hyper and talking the way she does and then play it back to her when she has landed.. To think that she prefers this to real life happyness just makes me mad. I would not ask her to get so numb on the meds that she loses all feelings.. just enough to stop the crazy talk and the low crash.. But I am sure she will not listen to me because she feels she is ALWAYS RIGHT. So its been two months since I have seen her and a few weeks since we taked last and I am feeling better and you will too. Its going to take some time. Good luck and im here to talk if you just need to vent a little. I know this forum has been a great help to me. Have you noticed that this forum is made up of mostly people who are dealing with people that are BP? I think its because we are the only ones who are reaally hurt by this. My x gf could not give a shit..
Hi Rob
I suppose your right my friend, it’s just so hurtful, to be pushed away for no reason, I don’t get it, she breaks my heart time & time again.
Then in 2 maybe 3 months she’s at my door crying and asking for a hug, saying she’s sorry.
I know she can’t help it but that doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s so hard to let go, to accept that this is how it is, she will always be like this. and I know your right, it will get better after a while. cheers mate
Wayne
I would still like to know what stage of the cycle she is in when she leaves and when she comes back. She posted a picture of herself on face book when she was doing good with me.. The picture looks a little sad.. But she seemed happy at the time.. Then when she went wacky and left me she posted one that looks happy well actually it looked like she was laughing at me after hurting me. So was she happy to be nasty and sad when shes nice?? I have no idea but would like to fig this one out.
I have been dating a woman for 2 months. I think she is bi-polar. She has all the traits and characterics of the disorder. She is denial about everything. She quits me one day and is in madly in love the next. What can I do?
I have been reading your comments and can relate absolutely to the selfishness of the person with mental illness. My son acts exactly like so many of you have described. He says mean things and when it is over he doesn’t seem to have any idea of how much anguish he has caused. He talks about repentance and redemption and seems truly to want to change so that HE can feel better. It is amazing that he can’t see that redemption comes with an understanding of the hurt you have caused to others as well as yourself.
Can they change? Yes, they can. I know one person who changed completely when he realized that he was the one who had to change and became willing to accept an evaluation of his own behaviour. Rare isn’t is?
In the meantime, my precious son remains lost in the wilderness of his mind.
Do your loved ones work at jobs? If they leave jobs can they go back again? I am new at this and would love to get a perspective of the day to day activities of persons with bipolar disorder.
Ace try talking to her when shes in her make nice mood.. And let us know what happens. This has been a very helpful site for me. It helps to know what your dealing with before you go further in your relationship.
Audre Some of these people hold great jobs. The girl I was seeing is a accountant for a very large company and she is top in her field. Its the relationship part they cant seem to hold on to.. I have been trying everything every trick I could think of.. I even tryed to break it off first before she could and she wouldnt let me.. said she dont want to break it off.. Two days later she dumped me..
Thanks Robert! Are they on lifelong drugs? Can they recover without drugs? The material on the web is confusing. I don’t get the impression that drugs do much to stop the mood swings. The friend I am talking about has not taken drugs. My son doesn’t want to take drugs. He had an excellent job but quit and came home. Is there anything I can do?
Hi.. I am no expert on this. there are others here who know way more then me. But I wanted to fix this stuff in the worst possible way I thought I could out smart it. But its not a matter of being smart because she is gone again anyway. But from what I have read…. Eating lots of fish and fish oil pills and Omega 3 is said to help. Also exercise and a good pattern of sleep and wake up time. No booze or drugs like weed ect. Also daily talks with a good phycyotrist.. Excuse my writing.. My hearts in the right place I just cant spell too good. Spent more time working then in school
My girls been gone two months and this time I dont think shes coming back and if she does she better start taking care of herself or I will be the one running away 
until they find a cure its life long. I hate this disease with every ounce of my fiber.. It has robbed lots of people of the ones they love and is not so nice for the ones who have it ether.. I wish to god there was a simple way to beat this thing and tell you the truth I am not done with it yet.. I heard it takes a few months for the fish stuff to kick in.. my girl refused to eat it
what else is new lol..
Lost and found/Robert – you’ve hit on a very interesting point with the photos – I’ve often noticed a stark difference between my husband’s mood and his apparent mood in photos – some of the times when he has seemed to be at his most happy he will look strangely at the camera in a photo – has anyone else noticed this with their partner? I wonder if perhaps depressed people often look at cameras strangely but perhaps I am just imagining it…?
audre – about work, my husband has always worked, quite hard too and got promotions easily. He does have problems with the people at work sometimes, especially the bosses but if they try to discipline him in any way then he immediately threatens to walk out and, because he is good at his job and they need him, the bosses back down pretty quick. He’s quite good at staying with an employer and works hard so as far as he is concerned there is nothing wrong with him at all :/
zuki. It must have some kind of meaning to it. This is not the first time I have noticed this. I dont know if this is some kind of projection thing like Panda was telling me about. But i think there is a link here. I have been trying to figure out at what point in the cycle Manic/Depressed is she at when she needs to leave? I am assuming she leaves when she is Manic and comes back to me when she is depressed and I make her happy again? then too happy and she leaves? I am missing something but then again I have only been dateing this girl for six months and I really havent had alot of time with her because of the running away thing. I would like to figure out a way to trick this bp disease. Some sort of a way to atleast keep communication open in a helpful way. sort of learn to speak there lingo in a way they will understand. My poor sweet girl is so sweet and nice loving and careing about everyone and everything.. until it happens and the loving and caring goes way to far .it goes like a baseball hit out of the park. So far gone that she losses me and everyone else and its sad and it hurts.
Zuki, what are your husbands symptoms? Is he on medication? My son just stopped working one day… said he couldn’t do it any more.
I can only elaborate on what I have experienced with my wife. I believe she is Borderline, but the symptoms are very similar to bipolar. She would leave me and say she is happier. She would say it so coldly that it was almost like she was trying to hurt me. I am told that they don’t do this intentionally but feel what they feel and those feelings are very real to them. My personal opinion is that they are angry at you for whatever reason, possibly view you as holding them back, and that anger is so strong that they want to hurt you, usually emotionally. I have heard of people having black outs from anger. They will get so angry that they will black out and wake up finding themselves on top of their partner hitting them. It is the most intense anger you can imagine. I have seen it at times in my wife and it is scary. I sometimes think that if she was holding a gun at those moments she would use it on me. Basically these are people who cannot regulate their emotions. Emotional dysregulation is how it is termed. The manic phase is where they feel powerful. They will leave you and think nothing of it because they don’t need you or anyone for that matter. Then they usually hit their depressed state and will come back because you are the one they trust the most, that is unless they find someone else. This can vary in time from person to person, but usually for my wife it is about 2 to 3 months. When they come back apologizing, I am not sure if they are doing this because they are genuinely sorry, or if it is due to the fear of loss. My therapist tends to be of the mind that they are very selfish. That apologies from them are usually for a personal gain, that is if you get one at all.
Audre, my wife has made dramatic life changes like that as well. She thought it would be a good idea to take herself and the kids 180 miles away from me and live with her parents and file for divorce, despite my oldest son saying he would rather live with me. She did this under cloak and dagger saying that I was abusive, manipulative and controlling.
PROJECTION Three months later she wanted back and was feeling guilty over her actions. She would never admit she made a mistake though. As my therapist would say, it is like a clam. They will open up a little and feel guilty for a second and then clamp shut again. There are times I see genuine guilt, but it is very brief and very infrequent. The guilt is very painful for them, so forcing them to face it is part of treatment. They have to face it because it is a normal part of life. For my wife, it is getting better, because I no longer enable it. You almost have to be their lighthouse to what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. I force her to face it by pointing it out to her and I do so confidently. Confidence is everything in a relationship like this. You can become emotionaly beaton down over time, it only gets worse. Things started improving for me when I let go of her. My wife is extremely productive and intelligent and companies love her because she works so damn hard. In fact they usually take advantage of her and slack off while she does most of the work. Like someone just mentioned, these are disorders related to moods affecting mostly relationships. That doesn’t mean they can’t make life changing decisions that will affect their jobs. Does your son change his mind on what he wants to do a lot? Is he looking for a new job? Did he assume you would just take him in? I want you to know that if he just quit his job and shows up at your house with his stuff that that is in my opinion unacceptable. Some planning would have been better, for instance, “Mom, I am thinking about quiting my job, I hate it, would it be alright if I moved in with you while I try and find something I like?” That is what I would have done and my mom is an extremely giving person who would think nothing of me just showing up. I would go to her beforehand because that is only polite. Actually, I would quit only after I found something else. 
Panda, Thank you so much for your response. Here is my son’s brief history.
There were no noticeable signs of anything amiss when he was a child, although looking back I am sure we could find something.
He was an exceptional student and went on to medical school. After medical school he worked as an ER physician for some years. Then one day he quit saying he didn’t want to put patients at risk. He believe he is a bad doctor.
He was on his own for 5 years before exhausting all financial possibilities. Only then did he call for help. I had no idea of his actual mental state and said to come home. Needless to say I was not prepared for seeing the true nature of his illness.
He has been home for nine months and in that time I have taken care of all the practical problems that were causing him stress.
He blames me for everything so *I* have no idea what to do. The things for which he lays blame on me are such things as giving birth to him because I didn’t know how to be a mother…. not asking him about his day at school and preventing his brother from teasing him. This is all true when I reflect upon it. Not much I can do about that now. It doesn’t sound like much but to him it is huge. Last week he was obsessing about putting chewing gum in a girl’s hair in kindergarten.
Some days I believe that he is better than he was. His anger is not so intense and his depression doesn’t last so long. But that may be because I am getting used to it. He does seem to be trying and I am proud of him for that.
I really don’t care what he says to me. I only want to help. Most of all I want to know if it is hopeless.
So he is mid to late thirties? He is single. Has he had issues with relationships in the past? What did he do in that 5 year time frame after he quit his job? It sounds like he was out of work for that time. What possibilies did he explore before coming to you?
You can apologize for things in the past that you may beleive he is right in having a gripe, but it should end there. Constant criticism is not doing you any good. You don’t need to put up with it, those are your boundaries and you need them. Where is your son taking reponsibility for his predicament? He is living in your home and has the gall to criticize your parenting. Think about how crazy that is. You are after all letting him stay with you. Is he looking for work or does he expect you to take care of him for the rest of your life? You need clear boundaries for him and for you of what is and isn’t acceptable. Whether or not he has a mental disorder, you should not have to put up with constant criticism. Do you ever let him know that you disapprove of how he treats you? If not you need to.
It may seem better because you are getting better at walking on eggshells. That was my coping mechanism of dealing with my wife for a long time. Sometimes we would hit a less stressful patch of time and things would seem better. I look back and realize how crazy things got. It happened gradually over time to the point where I felt like she was controlling everything. “No I can’t do that, my wife would get mad at me.” I had to do everything how she wanted or I would get scolded. Now I try to accomodate her within reason, but point out things when she tries to criticize me. For instance, she might criticize me on how I do the laundry. So I say “you do it”. She used to take me up on that, and then try and guilt me by how much work she did, but now she knows I won’t own guilt when she herself took over the responsibility of things I didn’t do “right”. The point is to not own the guilt they are trying to put on you. Be confident in what you are unwilling to put up with and voice that. I found myself rushing our oldest son to bed because if he wasn’t in bed at exactly 8:00 I was yelled at. This despite the fact that she could put him to bed at 9:00 if she wanted. You don’t want to live that way, it is no way to live. The stress will kill you. I had high blood pressure and anxiety and I am in great shape, work out all the time. I never knew when the next punch was coming. Now I don’t allow it to get to me mainly because I don’t own it. If you find yourself stressing about what to say/not say/do/not do then you are probably walking on eggshells.
“Not much I can do about that now.” EXACTLY, so I wouldn’t put much thought into it. Maybe apologize for it if you choose, explain how you feel about it and move on, if he chooses not to move on, that is his choice, once again, nothing you can do about that.
You should care what he says to you, because whether or not he is your son, you have value and deserve better. You are not doing him any good allowing his bad behavior to go unchecked. In fact quite the opposite. It isn’t hopeless, but you can only change your behavior.
Sorry for the long post.
By the way, my blood pressure now is good.
Thanks for the post. You are describing the situation exactly.
I marvel at how you have managed to find a balance.
My son was living in another city. So, I rarely saw him. He used to call when he was feeling OK. I knew he not working at his profession but he has other talents like music so I didn’t worry much. He was studying law, as well. At that age they can do what they want. I didn’t question his choices. When he first came home he was here alone with his father. I was out of the country working. He tried his best to get me to drop work and come home. I didn’t I am happy to say.
When he was with his father he was angry all the time. His father doesn’t know how to deal with anger so things were messy. His father would get someone to take him to the hospital, where they did little. After I got home that changed because I do not react to the anger. If he calls me names I just walk away or tell him he is right.
What is troubling is the constant mood swings. He looks like he is dying when he is depressed. I keep a record of it all and now I kind of know what is going to happen.
His father thinks he believes that he will stay here forever, that he has got a comfortable pew and will not leave. But we are not so young any more and what happens after we are gone?
We discussed selling the house today. He was not part of the discussion but he could hear the conversation. I think he needs to know that we can help as much as we can but we are not going to be here forever.
I read so much about selfishness on this site. It is all about selfishness. And it seems so hopeless.
Talking to you has focused my mind on myself and that is good. Your kindness means so much to me.
Panda,
You have got it together. Bravo!
Stress kills us all.
Lost and Found,
I was thinking about what you said about tricking the disorder.
I wish there was a magical way as well, but for me the closest I got was being more independent and sticking up for myself.
It was Zuki who said that they need you to be stable for them because they are very unstable, otherwise they will doubt you. In a way being super confident in yourself even if deep down you are not is tricking the disorder.
I faked it at first until I started seeing results and then I just went with it. At first I pretended that I didn’t need her around and didn’t mind that she wanted a divorce and wanted to get away from me. Now it comes naturally. 
Ha ha ha! I still love her, but in a different way. It isn’t as deep a love as it used to be, because I have to remain somewhat distant. Things have improved a lot and I am hoping that over time, I will eventually get back to the deep love while still being able to enforce my boundaries effectively.
audre,
My husband’s symptoms are two levels of mood swing – he has a surface level mood swing problem, regular irrational angry outbursts and very short temper, and also a deeper level mood problem that seems to last several months particularly in the summer months – winters are not usually so bad but in the summer he becomes very restless and negative. He has never been diagnosed with anything (made an appointment at the doctors once but never showed up) but his mother tells me they were aware of his grumpy and anti-social temperament since he was a very small child. I’m also aware from the stories that he relates about his past that he was clearly manic and psychologically abusive in previous relationships. We’ve been together for over five years and it has been a struggle for psychological survival. Generally speaking, I cope much better now than I did in the past although there are still lows. I think I’m fairly codependent in that I’ve tried everything to avoid and defuse the angry outbursts but I’m working on the healthy boundaries with varying degrees of success. This board is a tremendous support.
Panda, Zuki,
I have always been super confident. And until I read your posts I believed that confidence contributed to my child’s problems. It is funny but lately I have been trying to tone down my natural good nature. That has been hard because I am basically a happy person. Any little thing will please me.
So, I guess I have to stop considering what my son will think and get back to normal.
Do any of you email your partners, children? I want to talk to my son but he won’t discuss anything because everything always has to be his way. He can talk but I should only listen.
I am truly amazed at the compassion and perseverance you all exhibit.
Hello All,
I have read everyword that everyone has written on this blog over the course of the past two weeks. It has helped calmed my nerves at times, made me laugh at others and helped me get through some crying jags that I thought would never end. I also just finished watching Dr. Jay Carters seminar about 15 mins. ago. I wonder how many of us that have watched, have had the overwhelming urge to forward it to our bp partners. Of course, I thought better of it because not all the pieces were exactly fitting and/or I was afraid of her reaction.
I’m currently living apart from my partner for almost a month now. Not my choice initially.
Like so many others our story is long and short, romantic and tragic as well as funny and at times really really scary.
We first met in late 1992 and were together for a year and a half before she moved away to go to law school. During that time we rarely ever fought unless we really fought. We were both in our twenties at the time which sort of speaks for itself. But overall we had a lot in common(sense of humor, broad spectrum of musical tastes and a voracious yet oddly comfortable for our age sexual appetite for each other), alot more energy than we do today and because of where we met we spoke a similar language of terms(we met in a support group, not 12 step but related to). Sounds great right?!? Well she had a raging temper and I had justifiable; as I quickly learned issues with jealousy. So when we fought it sometimes got violent. We never officially lived together back then but we might as well have. Originally she was to move away to law school and then she was going to send for me. She told my family the same. We even had a going away night out with all of us. When that didn’t happen I wound up having a pretty severe break down. There’s a lot of details involved here but the bottom line was that she got scared and it didn’t happen. I met someone new but stayed in contact with my “soon to be lawyer” for about a year and a half after she left. Neither one of us could let go. I finally out of respect for my new relationship broke off contact. It took me years though before she ceased being the first person I thought of when I woke up and the last thing on my mind as I fell asleep. I was with my new partner for the next 15 years. I specifically chose her through some counseling and help because of the lack of drama and great sense of stability that I thought she protrayed. That was rough for me because of my background and upbringing but I tried to have continuous faith that it was good for me. Well w/o what I new as drama came a neglectful, depressed workaholic. I became a stay at home wife although we were never legally married. I went back to school got my degree nurtured and revelled in my extremely close friendships and was lonely and hungry for love at home. We would go on lavish trips and when we would fight mostly because I couldn’t stand the quiet sometimes we would have ‘make up shopping instead of make up sex’. My previous partner once told me that I was too special and never to settle. Well I don’t think I settled but I certainly traded one set of problems for another. Fast forward to 7 years ago. My then partner has knee surgery the first of 3. Between the pain and the medication that now never went away even to this day, increasingly became a different person right before my eyes. I did find out shortly after we got together that she battled depression but I didn’t exactly know how that was going to show up at the time. And frankly, I thought after my breakdown and bats with adolescent and early adulthood depression I thought I know how to handle it. I didn’t know about the catatonic states or the irritability though. Over the years there would be days and weeks of not speaking to me held up in our room. I started mostly sleeping on the couch years ago. As much of a high powered figure as she was in the community she still wound up having two major job loses in 3 years that tore our house apart. She would begin to tell me about some haineous act that someone had done and then before I knew it she was pointing a finger at me saying ‘And You!’ it was something right out of a sitcom to me. After so many years of trying to fight back I rarely had the energy for it anymore and when I knew that she was back in her cave was when I would cry my eyes out thinking that things were never going to change and this is just my lot in life if I chose to stay. She left for her families cabin last August for a month. Things were hairy and scary at best before she left. And I noticed that when it was time for her to return I wasn’t looking forward to it like I had in years past. I thought to myself uh-oh. When she returned she had a whole new attitude and a renewed faith in us. But I couldn’t bring it back up for myself anymore. Call it being burned out, falling out of love of just tired of trying. And I’ve got more sticktoitiveness almost to a fault than most. Suddenly as the universe would have it, my long lost love finds me after 15 years. On the dreaded facebook of all places. I think I had been on there for a minute dragged on by an old friend who desparately wanted me to see her pics. I instantly was nervous. I wanted to know all about her. She had finished law school had been in several relationships over the years but one long term significant one that ended 4 years ago shortly after they adopted a baby girl. The rest of her story from there is tragic, maddening and heartwrenching. We spent the next several weeks re-getting to know ea other although I refused to see her at first. I am a woman of integrity first and foremost and although I could feel my 15yr relationship coming to a close I mentioned earlier how I felt about cheating. And I am not one. However, once things headed way south in my relationship things got scary and ugly. My partner began to cut me out of my life piece by piece w/o my knowing it. Bank accounts gone, door locks changed, moving my stuff into storage without my knowlege, the list goes on. I must say that I was in a state of shock more than I realized for months. During this time however I finally met up with my old love. She said all the right things and even did more right things—in the beginning…she was going to be my advocate against the unfairness of my situation. She gave me the most heartfelt apologies for her treatment of me when we were together years ago yes there was some abuse. She told me how much she had grown up over the years and how she had never stopped thinking about me or loving me but would never dare come to find me out of respect for my life and relationship. When she first finally saw me again she told me how ‘HOt’ I was and that I had grown up to become a very attractive woman. And I was afraid that I had put on waaay too much weight. Our romance on some levels moved sweetly and slowly and on others somewhat fast because a.) we already knew so much about ea other b.)we had both forgotten how much we had in common and c.)It was finally our turn at real love and we didn’t want to waste any more precious time. In the interim I also began to fall head over heals for her 4 year old daughter. At this point though I’m also sleeping on friends couches all over the place not wanting to be too much of a burden in any one place. And trying to hold down my parttime job that I had gotten during the summer to try and supplement the income in my now ex-household. Sometime in late November was when my long lost love started to show me her other side. I of course didn’t know at the time that she most likely was in full blown state of mania/hypomania when she first found me again. In addition, due to all the other events that have occured over the course of her past 5 years she also struggles with hormone imbalances(hysterectomy), the almost kidnapping of her daughter at age one, then the passing of her mother major love/hate relationship there so very confusing emotions and then the subsequent molestation of her daughter last year. So there’s some not to be ignored PTSD issues going on there as well. I HAD NO CLUE! And I almost named myself FOOLED instead of trust your gut. Gosh going through this is making me tired. The rages that she began to have at me took my breath away. And all of them were based on stories she told herself about me. If I didn’t text back fast enough, If I got stuck in traffic and didn’t get to her house fast enough, If I was home with her daughter and my phone was dead she freaked out! If I was texting with my sisters she would get accusatory and shut down on me. Then from there, that shit is almost sickly flattering, she began to be texting not stop herself and lock herself in the bathroom to do it. The list of crap that occured is endless. Before x-mas my gut was talking to me loudly and I subsequently found out that she was having another phone affair as I call them. I believe she met with the woman once but I don’t think it went any further than that. She develops these crushes that I now know she can’t control from the hypomanic state. I left and she FREAKED OUT ON ME bad. The texts really scared me bad!!! I knew something wasn’t right by this point but I didn’t quite know what. Things calmed down on Christmas day sort of. I went over to open up presents with her daughter but things were tense and quiet between her and I. The friend that I was staying with told me that I needed to leave her house as she was afraid of my gf. So I moved back in with gf. In late January my bp had another nervous breakdown. Again very bad!!! She started medication on Feb 5th and got a lot quiet and little drooly at first but honestly it was a nice repreave from what had been. And I was also busy picking up the slack with her daughter. The next few weeks were decent at best although we never fully regained the closeness we once had. Sometimes she would come to me crying and apologizing for what she had put me through but mostly it was because she as a result of the meds now was beginning to realize that alot of memory is gone regarding a lot of stuff over the past 5yrs. I believe it’s all in there because I’ve heard it all but it lives in the manic file. I promised her that I would answer any question that she had honestly but that I would not now berade her with all that had gone on and I’ve kept that promise. The thing that saddens me most is that she doesn’t remember how wonderful things were in our new beginning. I’m left to carry the torch of those memories. And sometimes although I’m learning not with bp’s that’s the stuff that can sustain a couple. As far as the meds go..she is still far from balanced. I can tell although she keeps saying she’s back. Her daughter has also been having serious prob’s at school and at the beginning of this month she told me after a rage two days before, that I was going to have to leave that she couldn’t devote any time to a relationship right now and that her daughter needs her. Who do you think has been there taking care of the both of them for months inspite of my own “divorce”. Well I had run out of places to go so I left the state w/in two hours, I drove practically across country. Now mind you I barely drive to the next county by myself so this was a major big girl move on my part and NOT EASY. My affairs are still not settled with my previous relationship I doubt I’m staying where I am forever my funds are running low. And in the mean time I keep getting texts and calls from my bp which now she has btw been officially diagnosed w/ including the PTSD and is on HRT. But she also smokes alot of pot and does alittle of other stuff. She doesn’t sleep again especially now that I’m gone. Because she’s afraid that she won’t wake up to get her daughter to school. Oh it’s a mess. I don’t want to be here but I will say that everytime I think about going back I know I don’t have anywhere else to go plus I don’t have the same type of teeth grinding anxiety that I had when I was there. I’ve also lost 35lbs over the past 4months and stopped sleeping well myself because of all the stress. Today’s one of those days that’s hard because I haven’t heard from her all day. We all know, from what I’ve read, what that’s like.
At this junction I have a couple of questions. Currently, my bp has been weaned/titrated off the risperdal and in the last week began taking Depakote. Although she says that she is only taking half the dose prescribed. On the rare occasion that she does call instead of text. I can tell that her speech patterns are racy and her thought patterns are all over the map again. I’ve yet to bring this up to her. Although, now I can say things like ‘I need you to say that again’. I also forgot to mention that she said when she asked me to leave that she just wanted to be friends and didn’t want to be with anyone right now. I still feel jilted and short changed because that speech was waaay different than the one that I got in the beginning. I’ve done so much reading about the various medications. They first prescribed trileptal but she said that she got raging headaches. She’s willing to take medication but the Depakote scares her because as she puts it ‘it permanently changes your brain chemistry’ I so want to say well isn’t that the point. But I too have been walking on the proverbial Eggshells like so so many that I’ve read about on here. But I presume that that is why she is only taking half the dose. The added stress of the situation w/ her daughter at school has also made her seath and vindictive towards those that have hurt her baby. I will admit that it has been a crappy situation but I get scared knowing where her brain can take her and having been on the receiving end of that. However, all I’ve said is keep DCF out of your house! She understands the implication. I’m glad it’s currently not directed at me and she has said ‘U forget how smart I am’.
Wow, I went from having a close knit support system for most of my life to almost nothing now. I think that’s why I’ve written so much. I haven’t had the chance to talk about most of this stuff and just chuckled when I noticed I never got around to asking the above question. What are other people’s experience with their bp partners and medications. I know it’s not one size fits all. But how long does it usually take for Depakote to take effect? The risperdal was almost immediate until she began to cut that does in half too due to the cost. During her manic phrase she evidently spent a boat load of money pretty typical including buying a boat. But now that she’s not full blown in that stage she’s really gotten in her words ‘cheap again’.
As I surf around other websites inundating myself with information and a way to comfort myself I am still continuously amazed at how similar everyone’s story is and how insidious this disease is. I’m still finding myself checking my phone every 15mins even though I know it will make that noise if there’s a msg., or better yet if it rings. If I get a message from anyone else I usually have a let down feeling. That’s not me and not fair to the few who still reach out to me. I’m glad that I was able to know love again but now I sometimes feel like the price was too high. I hate the constant internal anxiety. I hate codependency. I hate having lost my confidence and sense of self. Because even though I was in a lonely “marriage” for so long it did provide me with the needed opportunity to grow and develop into a pretty neat lady. I know she’s still in there but I guess she went on sabatical too. LoL
Trusturgut, my heart goes out to you. There is not much I can say as this is all new to me. Others here are much more experienced. But I think if I were dealing with a love relationship instead of a child, I would be long gone. The pressure is too overwhelming.
Panda,
I have a question for you due to the fact that you believe your wife is borderline. My question is, is she overly jealous? To an excessive point, like you even looking at another woman would set her off?
Audre,
Thank you for responding. I’ll go one further. I think if I was sitting on the opposite side of the table listening to myself I probably would advise the same thing. But it’s a quite different story when living on the inside of it. There is something about our history together that at least keeps ME there, if only in spirit only, due to my rapid relocation. Also the new added element of her daughter and suddenly going from being a part of her daily life to nothing, that is a great source of pain for me. Two days ago I was told that there is a birth certificate with my name added to it at a friends house in the event that something should ever happen to her. I was moved beyond belief. And now suddenly there’s no contact again. And I’m a smart cookie, I’ve done so much reading on this disorder over the past few weeks that I feel like I’m working on my PHd in BP. Yet I still can’t seem to quiet my aching heart.
Trusturgut,
LOL I know how you feel. I hear you and as much as I say I would be gone, I probably would be doing the same as you are doing. It is easy to say what we would be going when we are not in the situation.
I am researching BP too. There is so much that is the same and so much that is different about the people suffering from the disorder.
The one common thread that I see is the inability to empathize with the other’s pain. As I said in another post somewhere, a person I know did change but it was through introspection and learned behaviour. Not too many of us are wiling to face ourselves and do that. Sometimes I think that my son prefers the familiar to a cure.
When you’re feeling somewhat stable or at least not emotional distraught it’s easier to entertain getting help. It’s a double edged sword because it’s usually when in trouble that you need the help the most and may find it hard to muster up the energy or motivation to do so.
I’ve also recently learned that when agitated most BP’s find it increasingly difficult to hear and or handle anyone else’s point of view or emotions because it’s too overwhelming for them. Having been the proverbial emotional sponge most of my life, I must say that I do find this one particular characteristic hard to understand. But I’ve seen and heard in action in my life with my BP so I am apt to believe it to be so and will try to take that at face value.
Almost another full day with out hearing from her.
Out of sight, out of mind????
My name is Simon , I have been with my Girlfriend of 19 for nearly 2 years. Our first year whizzed by with ups and downs , my girlfriend acted strange when she was drinking started having episodes and strange moments of emotion . There were times when she called me every name under the sun. Kicked me out in the freezing cold and rain. Accused me of cheating physical violence, extreem cleaning/OCD. It was only till about 2 weeks ago her mother noticed this and realised what it was. She was diagnosed by a friend who happened to be a Psychiatrist, further still she is yet to be officially diagnosed. We all sat down and explained what was wrong , she took it quite well to be honest. It’s been a week and im yet to have an official appointment . This is really killing me , we would have the most perfect day and as soon as we get home the episodes begin. It’s almost impossible to communicate with her. If I manage to talk im called the worst things you can think of. Threats to leave , I was only an infatuation. Threats of suicide.
Im 24 years of age, I have my career kicking off really well , I have my house . I love my girlfriend to bits , thats when she isn’t having an episode. I’d love some advice because I really dont think I can carry on. They say bipolar is infectious upon partners in a relationship. Im mentally and physically drained and it’s affecting my whole life. Im wondering if anyone out there my age is having in a similar situation? Perhaps give me some advice? Thanks Simon ~
Hi Simon,
I was about your gf’s age when I had my first relationship with someone who was BP. Neither one of us knew at the time that that’s what it was though. It wasn’t until years later, several mental hospital stays, attempted suicides, freakishly brutal fights, constantly spending money that she needed for rent, a ton of self medicating with drinking and drugs and cheating episodes until she was diagnosed and then the trials of medications started. This went of for 5 years until I was now the age you are now. Believe it or not it wasn’t until she actually stole money from me that I finally said enough. I guess that was my achilles heal. Up until that point even my therapist, at the time was saying to me geeez you have the highest constitution for chaos of anyone I’d ever met. I can tell you that today, nearly 20yrs later, I’m still periodically in contact with her. Just to check in. She somewhat opted out of her life, so to speak. And basically just sits at home heavily medicated. Gratefully, this is not the story for alot of people struggling w/ BP. Many grow up to be very productive and successful members of society. Although, from all the research that I’ve done lately most of the troubles related to their disorder primarily shows up at home and/or in their relationships. I would never suggest that you bail right now for so many reasons. You will learn lessons about yourself and compacity for love and compassion that you will be able to take with you throughout your life. You will learn early on how truly not to take things personally yet remain a supportive and sensitive individual. And you will learn how to emotionally care for yourself in the face of sometimes unimaginable situations. All of this you can take into your future whether it’s your career, family or friends. None of this btw means that you become a doormat quite the opposite. Having said all of that you are also under no obligation to stay and are fully entitled to choose your own path. I loved when you used the word infectious and you would probably be correct about that although I might chose the word indoctrinated because once you have a meaningful relationship with bipolar individual your view of things does change in all ways.
Hi Simon. I am also working on getting myself OUT of a relationship with a girl with BP so I can relate to what you are saying. I think people like us fit a certain pattern we are fixers as I like to call it and any lesson you may have learned was not something you needed unless that lesson was to show you how to pick out the next girl friend you will find. And yes you will find someone else. And I hope the next girl you find is true to you and returns the love she is given. Seems like such a simple thing right? Return the love you are given and treat people the way you would want to be treated.. So simple yet so hard for a person with bipolar. For me I would get one month of make nice time and two to three months of heart break. or in one yr 9 months of heart break and three lousy nice months. Some great deal that is huh? for a long time it hurt me the thought of leaving this poor girl who has this terrible disease that none of this was her fault. After many lonly nights and hundreds of hours scanning the internet looking for ways to fix things I have finnally come to terms that I am in a losing situation put there by my own free will. From what I can make of this when they are with you its because she is sad and needs you to cheer her up and comfort her.. And when she is ready for her moon shot into her manic high she will get nasty. And the reason she gets nasty is because as she feels this come back ..this great high or boost of her power and ego comming on she wants nothing to do with you. You are in her way an impediment to her fun. and you must be pushed aside at any and all cost. And the more you fight it and try to be nice and try to make her stay…The more she hates you! She wants to go out with her friends and drink smoke pot dance the night away pick up strange men in bars and have sex with them and do just about anything you could imagine. And she will do all this and not even think once about you! Shes flying high as a bird and feeling no pain. Try the meds out on her. If she takes them and gets herself into a regimented program. Goes to a Dr atleast once a week continues to take her meds then give it a try.. If not I would wait until she dumps you and when she does I would RUN not walk away as fast and as far as you can.If she enjoys her BP she will never stop destroying you. Her high is worth more to her then any living thing. You mean NOTHING. I think that these people pick us long before we even know who they are. They have a uncanny sence for who will be a easy prey.. I have noticed something else that I think is kind of funny. After talking with quit a few of my friends who have just come out after yrs of keeping quiet and told me they were involved, married or dateing people with BP we found out something kinda silly… have you ever been offered a massage by a BP? lmao well we have..And we all got the same treatment..Lots of talk about this great massage you are going to get.. The oil goes un your back… a few rubs with her hand and massage time is over..lol The oild still hasent soaked into your skin and she is done
~ I almost fell off my chaire when a group of of brought this up and we all had the same story about the lousy massage we all got..lol Hope this made you smile a little but dude you are only 24 and you DO NOT NEED THIS CRAP… Just hope one of them never gets there hands on a atomic bomb 
Another thing they hate to say the two lousy words im sorry. They will say all kinds of other stuff to skirt the issiue But sorry is not one of them. it makes them feel like they are wrong . they are never wrong! thanks for letting me vent a little i am at the getting pissed off stage of recovery from too much time and effort on and with a person who does not care in any way shape or form about anyone other then themself
Lost and Found/Robert,
I too almost fell off my chair when you just told the massage story. Hell I never even got to the oil part because she either lost something that she couldn’t find again and then we had to now find it in a frenzied manner or she was going to blow or there was another perceived crisis with her daughter or she wouldn’t stop texting or whatever! And another thing, I actually felt a small pang of jealousy when you said that you were at the pissed off stage of recovery. I know I’ve read everyone’s posts but I can’t recall…how long has it been since your break up? Mine’s still so fresh…Come On Healthy Anger.
Your stories are all so similar to each others and similar to mine… only mine is in the context of the parent son relationship.
Can I ask if your partners are on medication and, if so, what difference does the medication make? Does it stop the mood swings? Does it ease the anger? Does it make any difference?
I am at my wits end.
Audre I cannot tell you much about the meds and what they do. From what I understand it may take some time trial and error to find the right meds that will work. I think each person is diffrent in that respect.
I would imagine the meds may take the sting out of them sort of take the edge off the anger and mood swing. But since my girl likes her bipolar I doubt she will ever take the meds. And thats why I give up..
Trusturgut: I have reached the two month mark and I am feeling a hell of a lot better. Pluse the simple fact that I have learned she is not the helpless lamb I thought she was and is actually enjoying hurting me so I am getting throught this quicker then I did the first three times
Only trouble seems to be when I am over her is when she comes back. If that happens again but I dont think it will (Because I told her a few choice words of my own this time) But if she tries to worm her way back to me I am going to lay down the law to her. Rules and boundries.. She will see me as controling her and I am sure she will go away and find another poor sap to run through the mill… So id say two to three months of not seeing her should help. Also try not to look for her in any way shape or form this only makes you miss her more.. Be strong and remember you are worth more then this BS. And PS dont feel bad because these wonderful people all love themself.. Its you who will feel bad and blame yourself for the teatment you get.. Dont fall for it.. Its all part of the game…
My question is do BP people have a concept of real time? I mean a person without BP would feel very weird coming back to the person they trashed two months prior and would most likely not doit. But the BP person does not seem to have that worry. Does two months time feel like two days to them? I wish more people with BP would be on this site helping out but I think its mostly people like us the ones who have been destroyed that are looking for answers and healing. We are the ones who have hurt feelings and we are the ones who are loyal and feel love for what it is..something we can not just turn on and off.. I sujest we all find other people who were in our position. Other people who cared for these folks and finnaly gave up. Because they are the ones who would make a perfect husband wife boyfriend or girlfriend. They call us (Normal) almost with a hatred all its own.. They think we are boring and stupid.. They do not understand the commitment and strong love the deep feelings of being in a long term relationship the trust and the warmth of knowing your partner is always there for you and its them who are losing out not us..
Yea they do Rob
My ex always came back full of tears and I’m sorries and I love you ect ect… thats the trouble, at the time they are totally in control, in their mind anyway, as for mine, she really believes what she says… then afterwards she will say that “they” set me up, it’s never her fault
Wayne Cheers my friend
Audre,
I was there when my partner first starting taking medication. The first round of Rx prescribed was risperdal. Instantly noticed an immediate calming and quieting down for the first several days. Even she said “I guess they want me to shut up huh”. But she had also just had a pretty heavy duty breakdown days before. Locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to do not so nice things. I will say that that very night of the brk down once she came down she was slumped on the couch and look at me and said everything in my body hurts and I am so exhausted and drained that it feels like I just had a seizure. I think you mentioned once that at some point you began to document things, well I did to. A very good exercise for everyone’s edification. The following week or so after beginning meds was pretty decent, sleep patterns began to return to somewhat normal. And no major m-swings as I recall. Two things to note here: 1.)The risperdal(in her case, I’ve read that some are on it for years) was only supposed to be temporary to sooth the hypomania and accompanying mild psychosis. and 2.) she began to cut them in half sometime around wk two because they were so expensive. By week three the pdoc began to titrate her off them altogether and wanted her to begin taking Trileptal. She took it for about a week as best as I can tell but again, nothing is black and white ever. She complained of severe headaches, I was already out of the house by then so I couldn’t see first hand the effects as I once used to, so in speaking with her on the phone I could tell that things were “speeding” up but also remember that things started to to really get tense w/ her 4yr old daughter at her school also so “momma bear” was kicking in, and raging out not directly at the school but in relationship to the situation to anyone else in her world. She was staying up all night again doing “research” and planning to either “OWN” or “take down” this school at some point if they didn’t do right by her daugher. After pdoc switched her to Depakote she was hesitant to take it because from all she’s read it permanately changes your brain chem’s. So she waited about a week before she started. But as of 3 days ago which is the last I spoke to her she said that she was only taking 1/2 dose. I guess in her minds eye this might mitigate some of the ‘perm. brain effects’. But when I spoke to her boy was her speech Daytona 500 worthy again! When I was there I could find a way to suggest such things but now being so far away too much can be misinterpreted or set her off so I reframe. That is a detailed account of the last two months as they relate to meds. But the actual answer as best as I know it is yes- for some the meds really do what we all hope they will do. But for most it does just dull the edges and not make the swings to accute and brutal. We don’t want them to become zombies(well I did for a little while, I needed a break bad!). Ive seen many ppl in that state due to meds in my opinion it’s really a ‘why bother with life’ state. They sit there in the dark watching game shows and reruns. It looks like depression only they don’t even have the energy to pull off anything drastic there either. So in my opinion some form of traditional therapy needs to accompany taking the meds. And I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing the first round of Rx’s be the magic combo either. It such a trial and error game. Meds are a must! But keep your spirits high and your expectations low….at first.
Lost and Found/Robert,
Also try not to look for her in any way shape or form this only makes you miss her more.. Be strong and remember you are worth more then this BS.
I hear this alot from what few ppl I still have in my life that somewhat know the situation, due to the fact that she’s scared the hell out of everyone else and they bailed on me. You’re certainly not wrong. Having been through the the experience of separating from her before 17yrs ago, I know that it can be done. In fact, emotionally I was younger and worse then. The only problem this time was our new beginning was so much more intense, plus factoring in the new element of her daughter who I grew very close to makes it harder somehow. But I believe in my ability to get there.
The “Time” question that you have is a very good one. This is probably one of the things that has perplexed me the most but again I have first hand experience in. Once she began to take meds at the beg. of Feb.. and “come back”. Her words. She began to talk alot about time and lack of memory. She would ask me direct questions about when did this happen or when were we there or what happened when we were there? Thank goodness for the log of events that I was keeping or we would’ve both been screwed. For example this past Thanksgiving we drove from FL to GA were there for 24hrs then drove back down to Disney World for a day and a half then drove back to So. FL. It wasn’t until recently that she asked me when we went, why we were in GA, how long were we there, did we fly or drive that time. Oh and we met up with a friend of hers while at Disney and she doesn’t remember any of that at all. I knew by the time of this trip that she wasn’t ‘right’ but I didn’t yet have a clue why or to what extent. She remembers somethings about being at Disney but not a lot of other info around it. She has also said to me at times, “I remember losing it on you 2x’s bad” and has asked me if there were any others. She vaguely remembers why she “lost it” on me but she doesn’t know exactly what she did or certainly what she said and doesn’t remember exactly when those times were. There have been other times when she has asked me when did such-and-such happen. I tell her and sometimes she’s said that feels like it happened a year ago and sometimes she’s said ‘really that feels like it happened only last week’. Her conception of time or lack of has been the thing that has freaked her out the most. All of this, according to her was also the catalyst for her breaking up with me again. She now believes that she has lost so much time with her daughter due to her BP and PTSD that she only has enough time to solely focus on her and so now “doesn’t want a relationship with anyone”, “the perceived stress of a relationship she’s afraid will trigger her” and “she’s older now so is less tolerant and won’t put up with anyone’s issues”. Even during her darkest times, somehow her daughter was never neglected or wanted for anything. I will say that was amazing for me to watch. But you can’t argue with a ‘mom’ when it comes to her kids and especially not a bp mom. The issue that she was referring to by the way was that I had caught her having emotional affairs and being inappropriate outside of our relationship and she was sensing my distrust everytime she was shut up in the bathroom texting someone. Another interesting point about the affairs is that she didn’t even remember what one of the woman that she was communicating with looked like until real recently. And they “spoke” for about a month. I say interesting but truly that’s bizarre. So the “Time” thing bothers her but her choice of how to handle it is typical bp selfishness.
Trustyugut,
You said…
“The first round of Rx prescribed was risperdal. Instantly noticed an immediate calming and quieting down for the first several days. Even she said “I guess they want me to shut up huh”. But she had also just had a pretty heavy duty breakdown days before.”
Whenever my son has a flare up he is calm after, without medication. So, that is why I question the value of medication. I just came across this article today:
http://www.pharmalot.com/2010/03/psychiatrists-and-pharma-undue-influence/
It really would be good if someone with BP told us about their experiences with medication. From what I have read the benefits are not all that clear.
I think heavy duty cognitive behaviour therapy can be beneficial for anyone who wants to change. But perhaps they are happy with themselves and it is only we who are unhappy.
Hi, I have another question for you all. You will soon be sick of the questions lol.
What role does religion play in the BP experience?
Brie,
My wife has a low self esteem. She trusts me to a point, but I wouldn’t say she is overly jealous. I am about the most trustworthy guy you would ever meet. She knows this about me. I don’t go out with friends because I am just started to get settled into our new location and am extremely shy. I just joined the volunteer firefighters for my town, so I am hoping to meet people that way. As I make new friends and spend more time with them, it is possible that jealousy could come into play. Right now I pretty much work, get home and spend time with the kids until they go to bed, possibly work out and then do some housework like dishes, laundry, or some cleaning and then veg out in front of the TV or play some video games to relax. Sometimes my wife will watch something with me.
You know looking at other women will upset her, but I think it would for most women.
She won’t get overly upset though.
The reason I ask, and I should have mentioned this before but my boyfriend and his mom both think that I am Borderline.
Although I did a lot of research on it, and it doesn’t sound like or seem like me. I’ve never broken up with my boyfriend, nor am I afraid to get close him. I just have insecurity issues, and major jealousy which I am sure has been caused from the multiple break ups and then the girls that he would flirt with or get with during these times. Just sometimes I feel as though something is wrong with me.
:/
Lost and Found,
I agree, that someone with the these mood disorders has a very hard time admitting guilt. Saying sorry is admitting they are a fault. Guilt to them hurts more than it does for you or me. Still not sure why, but somehow they are unable to process that emotion reasonably. My wife will have all types of reasons why she acted bad. I have just started to get her to the point where there is NO excuse for bad behavior. Just apologize and try not to let it happen again. This seems to be working, VERY SLOOOOWLY, but at least moving in the right direction.
As for the concept of time, I think they do have a concept of time. The coming back with guilt is what you don’t percieve, because it rarely happens. They SHOULD feel guilty and I am sure they do deep down, but they push that feeling away because the guilty feelings hurt. They will in their own mind try and explain away why they hurt you, it was a bad day, the kids were acting up, they aren’t feeling good, or it is your fault, you don’t do enough, you don’t show enough love etc… changing the subject and issue away from them. On some level they know what they did was wrong, but facing that will hurt them. My wife does this all the time and I simply say “When you _______ I felt hurt because _________.” Stem sentences work. It feels unnatural at first, but they work, trust me. If she is not ready to face the guilt, then she might get angry or blame me, but if she is, she will say she is sorry and I will ask why to reiterate why she should be sorry. Sounds crazy, but this is what we did with our 7 year old and it is working for him too.
Forcing them to face their actions and feelings is important, at least from what I have found. Without doing so they will never be held accountable for bad behavior and their inner fantasy world will never come crashing down. Think of them as having the emotional maturity of a child. Those with kids might see the similarities of how they handle a kids bad behavior.
Brie,
It sounds like you have every right to be jealous, or at least question what he is doing if he has cheated on you.
I posted some of the symptoms and a link to a good website for the laymen on what Borderline is.
Audre
Seems to me not many of them care one bit about religion. As a matter of fact my x gf did not like the church at all. But these days with all the stuff the liberals are putting on tv there are lots of people who have turned against the church. Funny thing is the one most important teaching and basic thing such as treat people the way you would want to be treated yourself has fallen on deaf ears with my x gf.. Looking at old text messeges had showed me non of what she blamed me for was the reason for her breaking up with me.. I could see from the text how things progressed from not so bad little scoldings to the final removeing me from her life. it took her less then five days to carry out her bull shit.. But after the dirty deed was done she remembered for the enire month. Now its me who is avoiding her and I am feeling better already. As a matter of fact I like calling her my xgf
If she likes her bipolar coaster more then she liked me thats her problem. And believe me it really is a hell of a problem. Even panda said hes never heard of someone as disfunctinal as my x gf. And her kids are weird too lol..
Audrey,
Interesting insight, but I don’t think they are truly happy. They might be delirious during the mania, and find it exciting, but that is when the damage to those they love is done. They seem to understand the damage and possibly regret it, though feels of guilt and regret are hard for them to face.
The Drama of being a child by alice miller is worth picking up. M xx
Panda, you are soooo right about the way you say things to them, well anyone for that matter, the i feel________ when you______, it has to be in a non blaming way. and yes they are most definately kids in adult bodies, who need reparenting as their parents failed to do. as i have said before kim and steve cooper’s website says a lot about thiat. also worth a look at. M xxx
and alos, yes panda when they feel guilt they push that emotion down inside cos they dont want to feel it as it hurts to much, they project it onto us, by blming us for something we havent done, its all crazy making. its all just soooooo blooody weird. M xxx
Lost and Found wins the most dysfunctional relationship trophy.
Your situation was unique in that there was no way you could get through with the kid running her life. She seemed to like it that way. There is only up from here right?
My wife never went to church as a kid, but wants to start going to get the kids exposed to it. I grew up in a congregational. For me a good mother was what made me the man I am today, I wouldn’t credit Church for any values I currently have. It starts with the parents.
Almost makes me wish I were bipolar. The hurtful things she did it really pissed me off and I could not hide or push these feelings away.it all happend too fast. The thought of me a hard working 45 yr old being treated like crap by her and her 10yr old was too much for me to handle. All I did was show up to shovel her snow and I got trashed. But then again this was a few days in the making. as far as being kids ha if my kids talked with the filth coming out of her mouth or for that matter the filth coming from her own kids mouth directed at me I would wash there mouths out with soap.
Issues with your dad brie maybe?? you sound exactly like me. we just dont think we are good enuf, and we are, but somehow we feel unloveable and insecure. i have major issues with my dad (RIP) and i really hope you can get a look at alice millers book, the drama of being a child, it the one i’m reading now and i have read nearly the whole library looking for the answers, she’s good, its not even a big book, just a small one. M xxxx
its ok to be angry – god knows i am too. they make you feel so vengeful but thats not the way, its just awful what they do. M xxxx
Yes sir only way is up.. I have already found a few woman that I am talking to and doing a few test on them to make sure they are not bipolarbears
One woman even asked me why I am moveing so slow.. lol funny cause they used to ask the oppiset 
I told her I am in no rush. I also crossed one off my list. I did not call her for two days.told her I was sick and she went off on me.. So I feel she may have a few issiues going on there and I let her go.. I am happy you guys dont have such bad ones like I had.. The hurt was too much for me and I was being destroyed by it.. Telling me we are meant for eachother and such and then trashing me with her punk kids help and dumping me.. Damn NEVER AGAIN 
yes indeed the only way is up. it hasnt felt like it for a while – they seem to spin us onto this downhill spiral that we couldnt get back from, i swear to god i nearly had a break down, am learning that they try to distort our reality like theirs is distorted, nothing seems real after a while. but we need to look after ourselves, not them. we are just kind people who are taken advantage of. they are looking for a parent and get frustrated when we act just as much like children too i think . M xxxx
Michelle,
Reading about it and having it explained to me would have meant nothing unless I actually experienced it. How do you explain something to a logical person that makes no sense.
It is so bizarre that it is beyond logic or reason. It is truly crazy behavior, but to them makes about as much sense as they are capable of during these emotional explosions that occur in their mind. I will have to give the website and book a look, thanks.
I would add that they, people much smarter than me, hypothesize that it isn’t just parenting but probably genetics that predisposes them to becoming BP or BPD. My wife’s father is a classic BPD. People just thought he had a hot temper. Now was it his parenting or genetics or both that made my wife into what she is today?
Lost and Found,
I laughed when I read about you testing women. Not a bad idea though. They say that large portions of our society have mood and personality disorders to the point that you wonder how much our high divorce rate is affected by it. You start wondering how much domestic violence is spawed by it. You wonder how much suicide is driven by it. I don’t think enough is being done to make the public aware. There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t know someone or who hasn’t been affected by these disorders. As we all know it doesn’t just hurt those afflicted with the disorder, but those that live with those afflicted with it.
probably both panda, but i seriously think that its a lot to do with parenting, my dad also a hot head, PTSD, narcissism etc, very emotionallly cold, only ever saw the emotion anger, all i ever wanted was for him to love me, now as an adult i am insecure, have abandonment issues etc, classic borderline symptoms and all my partners have driven me crazy, and maybe i have driven myself crazy too. my partner of 4 years, well he is no longer my partner, we havent spoken for 6 weeks, i refuse to run up his backside anymore, not like the other times, yet he comes back and begs me to come back, i have a really funny feeling that that isnt going to happen this time for some reason. i changed, started putting myself first when we saw each other last, to me it feels that he can only survive with a victim, someone who lets people walk all over them and that was me, no boundaries no limits, nothing.well not anymore, i’m in the middle of finding me. alice miller, – i havent yet fifnished the book but am dying to so i can read more of her stuff. m xxxx
haha i laughed at that testing bit too. but its very very right, these women are scared of the slightest rejection which makes them act this way, i am 37 now and am just learning how to deal with not being like that, i always wondered why my relationships never worked, it was because i was desperate to be loved and very needy. but anyone testing me now, i should truly pass the test, this is how i know i am getting better. m xxx
Michelle,
What made you become aware of what you were experiencing. From everything I have read, people with BPD are the type of person that does not take responsibility. It alwasy seems to be everyone else’s fault. How did you get past that?
Yes Michelle, Panda asks a good question. How did you get past that?
I would like to know how to treat my son with the respect that everyone deserves but without accepting the abuse he dishes out.
yeah spent years blaming other people for everything. i knew this time last year that things weren’t right, i googled a lot of stuff on it at first and i found tami green’s website, she is a recovered borderline, i bought her books and read as much as i could. then i found AJ. mahari’s site, both of these i have mentioned on here before, and i read everything i could of hers and there is plenty, she has videos, and you can find her on youtube. then i basically went through every single book at the library on it, imbruglio a big green book on personality disorders, borderline for dummies, i went on kim and steve’s website and bought their e book and ust had a bloodt good look at myself. i still can blame other people now but am very much more aware, i read all on anger management and manage that a whole lot better than i did before, i just knew ihad to do something or feel like crap forever. amd ps i still blame my parents, but i reckon i’m right. sorry . m xxxx
i have tried to become a better person, i have stopped smoking and drinking and am struggling with a gambling addiction, addictions take you away from your children and make you emotionally unavailable, i was repeating everthing my own father did to me. xxx
Michelle,
Yes, I have “daddy issues” I guess you could say. I have never really had a good father figure in my life. And sometimes I don’t feel good enough. I feel embarrassed about saying this, but I think I am finely ready to post some of my true self in here. As I said before this is extremely embarrassing for me to say, but I have an overwhelming amount of jealousy in me. It’s so bad, that my feelings get deeply hurt by the thought of my boyfriend looking at other girls. My jealousy turns to anger and I yell at him about it. Or if he talks to girls. :/ My boyfriend likes to play games and I refuse to let him play girl characters. Ridiculous, I know. Embarrassing, yes. I’m not sure why, or when this started, but I can’t stand being deeply hurt by something that is completely natural. The weird thing is, whenever a situation such as comes up my brain tells me there is no reason to be upset or hurt but I can’t honestly accept it. I also get angry easily at him, which really isn’t good considering he is bipolar and sometimes I trigger the bad. I also can not stand being alone. Whenever I am alone, I get extremely depressed and can not stand it. I am deathly afraid of the dark, and whenever I worry, which is easily done for me, I shake all over and my teeth shatter. It’s almost like I’m freezing even though I’m not.
I’m not sure what is wrong with me, and I have researched about everything and I can’t figure it out. I have my first meeting with a therapist tomorrow and I am hoping she can give me some tips on how to deal with this. I read a book on Borderline called “I hate you- Don’t leave me” And the stories didn’t sound like me, but some of the symptoms did. A main part of it is not being able to get close to your partner (I think) and as I said before, I can get close to people easily.
Sigh.
I just don’t know.
This is embarrassing for me, cuz I feel stupid for being like this and especially not even mentioning this before.
And about the religion, my boyfriend is extremely religious, sometimes he says that his belief in god is the one thing keeping him from killing himself.
:/
Brie, you wrote to Michelle but I hope you don’t mind if I answer.
Don’t be embarrassed. We all have issues to overcome and that is what makes us unique.
There is nothing to fear if you can talk about it. Fear is the product of bottling things up in the mind.
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You are the product of your experiences. if you want to make changes you change your experiences. That is what you are doing by talking here.
Keep talking and reflecting and eventually you will understand we are all in the same boat. We can all help each other.
Brie, You came to the right place. We have all been either hurt or looking for understanding.. Or both… Its all good here. Its the calm in the storm..
Michelle
She told me she was afraid of rejection too. And I opened my heart to her to show her i would never harm her or break her heart. And she created the fear i saw it in her eyes and there was no way to stop it.. But why did she put the hurting onto me? The most hurtful thing was the picture of her laughing at me that she posted to her facebook with in hrs of cutting me off. Its these pictures she puts up that haunt me the most. I didnt deserve that at all..
Brie,
I wonder if from your description you may be codependent – I’m reading about this myself at the moment to try and work on my own issues and your description sounds like me when I was younger. On the positive side I think being able to admit to yourself that you feel jealousy is a very healthy and responsible approach and don’t forget that jealousy is a very normal human emotion. Its how you act that matters and by changing your actions and beliefs about your actions you can learn to control the feelings. Does the anxiety you feel about your partner’s behaviour come from a feeling that something bad could happen and you can avoid it by taking control? If so that would be codependent. This is a website I was reading tonight before I came to this page: http://www.echo.me.uk/codependency4.htm
I could be completely wrong of course and hope I haven’t offended you, I had just come from the site.
actually I think this is the beginning of the article:
http://www.echo.me.uk/codependency2.htm
nope, this is the beginning:
http://www.echo.me.uk/codependency2.htm
Brie,
Also, about fear of the dark – I overcame mine when I heard that darkness releases the brain chemicals that help us sleep – thinking about that and imagining that turning down the lights slowly feels like relaxing into a warm bath.
continued… I still have a quite strong reaction to the dark but now it is a pleasant one so I think I must have reprogrammed my brain somehow. If only I could do it with spiders! eeeuugghh!
Zuki, Audre,
Thank you. And no you didn’t offend me. I’ve read about codependency as well.. and that just might be the case.
Yes, I feel that if I take action I can avoid something bad happening if I am control. It’s like I take what I think I would normally think or do in a situation and then think about when my partner is in a situation and try to control it. Example;
If there is a cute guy that is talking to me, I ignore it because I love my boyfriend, and I don’t even really notice or care if he is “cute”. But if there is a cute girl talking to my boyfriend, I start thinking, “Omg he thinks she cute, now he is thinking about how attractive she is and comparing her to me.” And then I stop the situation by getting mad at him. Understand? The weird part about it, is my boyfriend has never cheated on me. And I have no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t. He’s been cheated on so much in the past that he doesn’t do that. When we break up, he constantly talks to every girl that he can, and one time even dated and hooked up with one. That’s where my hurt comes from, because I have a hard time letting go of that. My fear of the dark, is more of a being alone in the dark. I sleep with the lights off and I am fine, mostly because my boyfriend is near me. But, if I am walking around the house, and it’s dark I get freaked out I guess. I’m not like.. afraid monsters are gonna get me lol, but more like something is behind me or watching me that I can’t see. And spiders, ICK! I think I am more afraid of spiders than anything else. Their nasty 8 legs, and creepy bodies. EW.
I hate spiders too. Scorpions, centipedes, crabs, lobsters, anything with more than 4 legs, although I am not that freaked out about flies, butterflies, bees, hornets or grasshoppers or crickets.
Low self esteem could also cause jealousy, because you view those other girls as being better than you, having more worth than you, etc… I would say that trust could be the issue, but you said that you know he wouldn’t cheat on you since he has been cheated on so many times before.
Brie,
I love your self honesty. Interestingly enough I thought I had worked on my jealousy issues until I found out that my bp partner was having emotional affairs from which I now know was a full blown manic state. I know my situation is different as you’ve said that your bf would not cheat on you but it’s been said that reality is sometimes based perception. So although you may not be faced with the issue directly you are self admittedly struggling based on what might be. I would be interested in whatever material you have come across or may across on this subject. As this used to be and has become again a major issue for me. In fact, this was one of the main reasons that my partner attached herself to to justify her ending things again. Hypocrital, I know, because there was some truth to it and denial on her part.
On another note, I had contact with her yesterday via texting. I hadn’t had any for about 3 days. Her first comment to me was “I wonderded where you’d been, haven’t heard from you.” I’m sure it’s easy to imagine what I thought…the phone works both ways. At any rate, her mental state yesterday was sad. Evidently since we last she’s broken 2 of her toes, missed a few appointments is back to being late for everything and was having a very sad day over the passing of her mother who passed away in Nov. ’08 yesterday. I’m guessing either the mania phase has passed again or the Depakote is starting to kick in. But I would hate to imagine that it’s the meds that are bringing this on. I didn’t get to ask if she began to take the prescribed dose. She was only taking 1/2 a dose because of her concerns that it ‘permanently changes the brain chem’s’. Last I heard from her yest. she was held up in the bathroom crying her eyes out missing her Mom. She tries not to let her 4yr old daughter see her so upset. I get that. Then the texts just stop. Oh she also mentioned yest that she’s had ‘mini in’s and out’s’. Since we’ve become aware of all of this we’ve begun speaking in code about it because it’s easier. So what that means is that there are still times when she “basically blacks out” but is still functioning on some level. Even since taking meds. She said she didn’t want to mention to pdoc because she hates all the switching of meds. Of course my nature is to check in with her today to see how she’s doing. I’m resisting because I don’t want to come across as smothering. And I want to project that I am doing o.k. as well. Because resisting does not come naturally to me it feels like a game in my head. And I’ve never been good at that.
One last thought on the cheating. When she and I first got together and things were magical, I was able to ask her alot of questions. Since she had cheated on me in our previous life together and swore up and down that she had grown up and grown past that I was able to ask if she knew why she did it-not just to me but to virtually everyone that she’s ever been with, and what changed in her to make her stop now.
Answer-She said that her cheating came from low self esteem and ego. She never felt real good about herself inside or confident so she would be with and seduce women in order to make her feel loveable, worth something and or wanted.
Why did she “not do it anymore”: She had an experience where she found herself in a postition to have to go meet with and sleep with someone in order to get something that she had worked so hard for. Basically this woman was black mailing her for sex. My partner was in a relationship at the time and I guess become disgusted with herself.
Do this day she still will say that she’s no longer a cheater but that would be by her own made up justified reasons. ‘If you won’t do it infront of your partner and feel the need to hide’ then it shouldn’t be done at all.
From my own personal experience, when my wife would have these episodes where I was the villain, it was very easy for her to have an emotional affair with another guy. Basically any other guy…IN HER EYES…would look like a hero compared to me…THE DEVIL.
Basically she would go to her friends and tell them her skewed view of reality and they would enable her behavior. She wouldn’t feel bad about having an emotional affair because in her mind she was justified living under my tyrannical dictatorship who manipulated and controlled her. 
You see, the crazy behavior makes sense when you understand it isn’t that they are doing this because they are mean or nasty, it is because they view themselves as the victims despite the reality that they are abusing their partners. I do think people with borderline have a low self esteem and look for constant approval from others. If they feel they don’t get it at home, and feel they get it from some stranger, then it is all too easy for them to act on that and possibly cheat…always under the noblest of intentions. Remember, they are never at fault. 
This has all been so helpful to me. And yes I have certainly gotten a litany of why this person or that person was better than I was in the moment.
However, I also have gotten heartfelt apologies and some semblance of taking responsiblity for her actions along the way. That confuses me because of the “it never being their fault” thing. What I HAVE to remember is that the remorse doesn’t last! And if a situation ever came up…which it did, where I would become insecure or suspicious again. There was zero compassion. And then I was bringing tenseness into the house(WHICH IS A MAJOR NO NO WHEN IT COMES TO HER DAUGHTER) despite what she ever brings, being immature or being sneaky. Gosh, it was exhausting and I need to always remember that. Everytime I think about going back to live closer by because I miss her so much. I try to remind myself of the constant anxiety that I had become accustomed to. I had this unrelentless humming and vibrating going on inside me, I never felt comfortable just sitting down and relaxing for fear of being viewed lazy and not pulling my weight, I rarely ate, I would find myself in the bathroom crying alot too or wishing I could just leave for a while but most of my veeeerrryyy long term friends had abandoned me because of fear of her prior to her getting diagnosed and being put on meds. And I found that I couldn’t sleep anymore because I would be afraid that she would either be on the computer trolling…or lock herself in the bathroom texting/talking to someone in the middle of the night.
Let me clarify on the “it is never their fault”. Sometimes…and I am finding this for my wife to be happening more and more…thank god, they feel guilt and will apologize for what they know is bad behavior. But like my therapist explained to me, when they feel guilt they will close up quickly. You get a glimpse of the guilt. For my wife, she has been more able to apologize and take responsibility for her actions. In relation to what has happened in the past, that is an absolutely huge transition. That isn’t to say that she always does it, and sometimes it takes her a while to process. For instance, last night she freaked on me because I was asking her a couple questions on the taxes. She told me to leave her alone and get away from her. A slight overreaction that if this were a normal relationship I might put up with, but given the circumstances will no longer tolerate so I let her know it. When she came to me a little while later at first trying to act like nothing happened, but when she could see that I was still upset with her, she tried blaming me for her being rude to me. She got in a few last words and stormed off. I normally, in the past that is, would have followed her pleading my case and things would have escalated into something that would leave me scratching my head. Now I just sat there and continued doing what I was doing in this case watching TV. A short while later, apparently she couldn’t stand it, came back and again tried blaming me. When that didn’t work, she did finally accept responsibility for upsetting me. She may not fully understand what she did, but her action and my reaction are now correlated in her mind that she (hopefully) will avoid being short and rude to me in a similar situation. This is all about behavior modification, at least with borderline. Almost training them how to behave in social situations like you would a child.
Trusturgut,
Your situation sounds an awful lot like mine. I was constantly working hard to avoid getting called lazy. The sad thing is the more I worked, the more guilty my wife felt, so the more she worked to keep up with me to avoid those feelings of guilt and the more stressed she became. It was awful.
omg panda you are so right, i have never been diagnosed as borerline or co dependant i just know i am, but iknow that it is the behaviour, its very strange cos i am very well behave in public etc, i know right from wrong and prob always have, however, i REBEL, and i remember my ex saying the exact same thing, omg, – my theory is that we all need each other to grow up, he was very similar to me but i thought i was so the adult if that makes any sense, yet my kids father i would goad into hitting me as if a big child who was standing up for themself even tho i had convinced myself i’d beat him which so obviously i never, he could do a lot of damage, but i was so numb emotionaly that nothing coud hurt me. then the boundaries, my last bf said if you ever hit me i will definately hit you back, needless to say he was twice the size of me anyway but i would never of stiked him even if we were in the middle of a blazing row, strange axample for a boundary but it was a solid one and i never would of even slapped his face despite my previous relationships. from now on my boundaries will be spoken from the beginning, albeit bad, that boundary had a consequence, i’ll always remember that. xxx
as for the getting caled lazy etc, wen with the kids dad if ever he rang and ued to ask what i was doing i’d lie and say was cleaning the bath, scrubbing the whatever, or bleaching the wotnot, they make us lie, well we lie as to not feel their wrath. hmmmmmmmmmmm, why??? as for the trolling the internet and e mailing textingt others – why do they do that?? any ideas?? i am as lotyal as tha day is long, with out boundaries a total pushover, ppl lack respect for me??? i’d love to know why at times some people are more important to them thatn us when last week we were the bees knees??? very helpful that would be. xxxxxx
god he also slept with his friends wife ( proven tet still denied for a while) and i suspect anothe freinds GF yet was told i was paranoid. ong, what the hell do they do to our minds, we are not crazy just made to feel that way. my mother ended up in a mental hospital because o one of these men, read controlling people by patricia evans. xXXXXXX we need to trust our own reality not theirs!!! god how i’ve been weak!! xx
hi trusturgut, why do you think that all of a sudden they put other people higher than us and do they stay higher than us or do they devalue those people too?? how irritating that is, we get totallly ignored while they crawl up other peoples arses”!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it. i need boundaries to walk right away the next time this ever happens to me … xxxxxxx ?????
I can’t seem to remember who it was that recommended a website that had the name steve and (marla?)or something like that in it. I’ve scrolled back up and down and it’s just not jumping out at me.
Thank you,
Do you mean Steve and Kim Cooper?
have you read about them audre they are fab?? god how much do we all want the answers and we search abd search – where are they???? when will we al be ok??xxxxx
Yes Michelle we are all looking and looking. I just got back from a meeting and it was raining. As the rain poured down on the windshield I felt happy. I looked out and about and I felt the power of nature and realized how small and insignificant I am. Why do we want to be more than we are… humans dependent on each other? And then I felt guilty because I can feel happiness and my poor angel is so unhappy. What I would do to be able to give him some of my peace of mind. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. Well, to be truthful, it feels hopeless all the time.
omg i know how you feel, sometime i feel really really happy, i dont ned to be anything more than i am, i feel exactly like you, i want to wrap him in cotton wol and say all is ok, but even then he’d think i wished him harm and its a product of what his mother did to him al those years ago, i hoped and prayed he would trust me and realise i’m not his mother and would never hurt him. i’ve been walking away for 6 week s now and fear the further i walk i’ll never go back and fear for him yet need to focus on myself. this is so flaming hard…….. xxxx
Michelle,
The ‘why’ of why they ‘put ppl higher than us’ I’m trying to fully grasp too. But the part about do they eventually devalue them too in my experience Y-E-S even my partners therapists have been on her sh@t list before and she values both these ladies. Just an aside…the first meeting she ever had with her neuropsychiatrist she called me on the way home ranting and SCREAMING at the top of her lungs that this quiet, mild mannered little man thought he was G-O-D. The main reason was he wanted her to spell ‘WORLD’ backwards ‘DLROW’ and she was so psychotic and manic[d] out that she couldn’t. BTW that’s one of the tests that he was giving her to help diagnose. She laughs about this now and at times when she thinks that she might be ‘off’ will test herself.
But back to the original question. The best that I’ve been able to gleen and mostly from reading is that they begin to view those closest to them as only bringing stress into their lives. It’s not that cut and dry but you catch my drift. And someone bright shiny and new with no baggage and no history always looks much more appealing. Even ppl not battling mood disorders go through that but hopefully they are able to think it through rationally. I’m hoping someone can explain it better.
Audre,
Steve and Kim Cooper sounds right. I will check it out.
And Thank you so much,
omg i’ll be doing the WORLD thing myself all the time. lol. i am psychotic at times but i’d say mild yet it takes other people to tell you or you dont know. It was me who mentioned kim and steve cooper, it is def worth i read i bought her e bok last year, she is realy good, and explains stuff in plain language. she describes how narcissism affecteed her life and how she took control, i think all personality disorders have narcissism!!! so she well worth a look. well last year my bf wouldnt let me in the houe when i went round with the easter eggs as he had his lesbian friend there!! yet i know her but still wasnt allowed in – strange! also he’d begged me back for months and when i relented i got a text saying he was afraid i would upset the peace in his life!!!!!!!!! erm??????? i got the feeling he was keeping me away from her, her who was isolising him – albeit a lesbian! she was giving him attention which is what narcissists need??? any ideas???? they drop us like a hot brick when someone else comes along . xxxx
http://samvak.tripod.com/devaluationidealization.html
This is also worth havin a quick read of. M xxxxx
Michelle,
You are a font of information and gosh do I appreciate it. Your Easter egg story just reminded me of a time when I was just around the corner from my partners house and decided to call to stop by. SHE FREAKED OUT! I will never truly know why but I have my suspicions. At the time I think she was still using drugs and had several very ‘colorful’ ppl at her house. And who knows if any one of them she might have been otherwise interested in. It was the middle of the day. I so wanted to go anyway. But I hate to repeat in my head over and over again I am not in my 20′s anymore, I am a valuable grown ass woman in my 40′s. LOL But I wasn’t feeling that way inside.
I loosely took a look at Steve and Kim’s website so much I’m going to have to move slowly through that one. But I do think you are correct when you say that there is probably a little narcissism threaded through most of these mood disorders.
On another note,
She called today. Just a little while ago infact. It was a quick light hearted chat. The problem has always been that we really are good friends and really have do get along well. Her phone battery is always always always getting ready to go dead and today was no exception. I’ve found myself getting irritated with this from time to time in the past. But this time I joked about it with her. Said that she was sick of texting and wanted to speak to me in person. Also said that she wants to talk to me, wants to call me back if she can stay up past 7:30. The Depakote is really doing a number on her. And I did ask her if she is taking the full dose. She said yes but then mentioned something about only taking the risperdal now because it works. NO IT STOPPED WORKING she just doesn’t realize it because she started getting a little manic again. She said that she doesn’t like the way the Depakote makes her feel, re: the sadness she’s been experiencing lately. I said that it could be that it’s laying down the mania which means that all the other stuff might just be surfacing now. She hasn’t been in the mood to talk about it. I express my awareness of that for her and dropped it.
I know she’s going to want me to come back and help her with her daughter, ’cause she knows I’m unemployed right now.
I have said to her soooooooooo many times that I don’t want to be her employee that was not why we got back together. She knows this and did finally stop asking for a while. All I did I did out of love for them both. It’s really her issue. She feels safer having people work for her. First she can hire and fire them at will. Secondly, She doesn’t have to deal with any of her own emotional baggage. And third she can dictate what they will and will not do for her. NO NO NO.
The one thing she does know about me and has always given me all the credit in the world for is that I’m smart.
I may be emotional mess right now but I’ve got a bit of a broken heart I think I get a hall pass but I haven’t totally lost it in fact, I’m finding it more rapidly this time than ever before THANKS TO YOU ALL
Trusturgut, your name says it all, we should all trust ourselves. that ws one of my main problems, i let others spin my reality to the point where i thought i was crazy, i’ve been lied to cheated on, punched, sworn at, told am too fat, told am too thin, i’ve taken drugs to be in the crowd, done things i should never of done, been told i have said things that i havent and i’ve questioned my own sanity, i’ve been accused of having abortions, of wanting a man just to help me pay my bills, i’ve been accused of cheating and lying and of not being passionate enough. i’ve tried to love drunks, drug addicts, control freaks and mothers boys, i’ve fought low self esteem and have had to cos if i didnt i’d still be putting up with the same shit. i beleive that prescription drugs can only help so much, its deep down inside where we need to look, to unpeel the layers and layers of child cruelty, whether our parents meant to hurt us or not. thas where alice miller comes in, she explains a lot of really good stuff in drama of being a child. i’ve been jealous to the point of rage and fantsy of revenge for people hurting me yet all along i couldn’t see that the only person who could really hurt me was me with my flimsy or non existent boundaries, and just simply being a doormat. – i laughed at the dead battery thing, i’ve used that one myself. but now i have earnt that tellin the truth is more effective and earns you more respect and that what its all about. m XXXX
and yes you are VALUABLE trusturgut, am glad you can see that. i’ve spent far too many years thinking i was unvaluable!! how bad! . xxx
I guess If I boil it all down over the course of my lifetime, I’ve been told all those same things too. Although, for some of them it’s been a long time ago and I don’t really live from it anymore or at least I down think so.
5 mins. ago Here’s the text that I rec’d.
“Thk we must talk bout u comin back. Id feel safer if we can work something out”
I called it!
I do want to go back to where I’m from. I’m really far away from home right now.
But I really don’t think that I want to move right on back in with her. I just got my nerves somewhat calmed down recently.
In my experience, the valueing other people higher is temporary. For my wife, borderline, black and white thinking is to blame. She will go from idolizing me to despising me in a very short period of time. The same with others. This is also related to the Karpman drama triangle. They will play the victim, you will be the persecutor and they will run to the rescuer. The rescuer could be family, “friends”, or someone they just met. It will not be long before that rescuer takes on the role of persecutor and you then take on the role of rescuer. They will almost always play the role of victim.
Back to the black and white thinking. For my wife, if I say something that she perceives as me intentionally hurting her, even if I meant it as a compliment or whatever. The fact is if she perceives it as me being mean, then I am a mean person. For a normal behaving adult, people are judged on the whole of their actions, not the last one. Black and white thinkers judge people on their last action. So when I questioned all those years why she could treat me like a villain and strangers like heroes….black and white thinking.
oh i got a text today too after 6 weeks, the a phone call, a drunken one, saying he’d gone crazy and would i go and get him? erm i said no, got the kids here was int he middle of tea etc, so got one back saying i never knew what love was and then a rambling phone call, said about me getting revenge on him, the i left it and got a text sayin he’d beenarrested under the mental health act and was at the police station. omg the games, i see them sooooo very clearly now, one time i’d be totally beside myself, and even drive up there to see if he was ok. i am not sure even if its true but am seriously not taking the bait. gonna get my pyjama’s on and watch the tv in bed or read a book tonight. not seen or heard anything for 6-7 weeks yet am supposed to just drop anything and everything i’m doing to run up his arse again. i feel good for not doing and i do hope he is ok. yeah trusrurgut, they’d feel safer if you came back, what about your feelings?? the great big lack of empathy!!! all to do with upbringing. grrrrr M xxxx
For a normal behaving adult, people are judged on the whole of their actions, not the last one. Black and white thinkers judge people on their last action. So when I questioned all those years why she could treat me like a villain and strangers like heroes….black and white thinking.
Panda, the accuracy of the above just made my jaw drop!How many times have I found myself saying things like-but that’s not true, that’s not what happened, that’s not what I meant or So What, I fall a little left of center in the confidence and insecurity dept. and it erases all the the good I’ve done or our whole history!
Michelle,
Thank you for ever reminding me where this stuff can lead and how bad it can get. I went through stuff like that for so many years with the first person I was w/ that had bipolar(age19-24). She had so many suicide attempts, I knew when I began to become numb to them when I started keeping large garbage bags in my car so she wouldn’t bleed all over the place. Or when I would get calls saying that she was taken to another mental hosp. And I thought good she’s at least safe for the night, I’m going back to bed and will check on her in the morning. I guess I began to get cold due to self survival and I suppose I had to acknowledge that she needed more help than I could provide.
I need to give my feelings some serious thought. Your very wise and I’m out of practice.
I am glad I found you guys. Your conversation is helping me to understand the shades of emotions we all go through on a daily basis.
It is difficult not to respond to the cries and despair of those we love when they are in need. Yet, I am beginning to see that enabling allows the dysfunctional life to continue. Running to them prevents the ill person from reaching a point where they have to take responsibility for their own actions.
We need to examine ourselves too. Why do we take abuse over and over again? Panda, Michelle, Trusturgut, keep talking. You are all very wise.
i also think that borderlines cant see the black and white thinking, i know that i never. my bf used to say that i was a viper, and i used to deny it, yet now i see clearly what i did, i would turn like a viper callin him all the things under the sun, and i could really have a very hurtful tongue looking back, any wrongdoings of the past would be thrown in your face and i say hateful things all the time, this had been with every partner i have ever had when things have not gone my way. yes audre you are so right, many codependents enable the others to act dysfunctionally, like the carer actually enables the drug addict by caring and lending money and sheilding them from their wrongdoings. and trusturgut, we all want to help them and the only way to help them is to take not one ounce of crap off them and look at if their is any way we can improve ourselves. abuse can actually be our lesson in life, so lets learn from it, get healthy boundaries and put up with no more shit and start loving and caring for ourselves first before anyone else, cos if we arent right ourselves then how could we possibly help another. another thing and i thinki have said it on here befoer when i read controlling people by patricia evans, if someone accuses you of something that is wrong simply reply “what?” because by defending ourselves we are buying into their reality, oh the hours days and weeks and the breath i have wasted defending myself saying of course i love you, i never did this that or the other, they will get a “what?” from me from now on. how simple – i wish i knew all this years ago. M xxxxxxxxxx
love is patient love is kind. yet i told someone i loved them but could turn on them, thats not love if you think about it, its all about how to put across how your unhappy with something without blaming the other, kim and steve were good explaining all this, well kim was. so much to learn, but we’ll get their in the end. xxxxx
INTIMACY – into me see. i’ve been afraid of it, and he was definately afraid of it, something has made us distrust people so much tht we never let our guards down to see who each other really is. A mask is easlily placed over a betrayed and broken face. being real and just being ourselves is sooo important. not one man has ever seen me totally naked, and i’ve got two kids, and its all down to my own fear of maybe if anyone sees any of my flaws they may not love me anymore. laughable isnt it really – as no one is perfect. m xxxxx
Trusturgut,
I look back at what I wrote and it seems so simple to me now, but not too long ago I used to fall for her traps. She didn’t consciously set them, but when I would find myself in one, I would be saying the exact same things, “I never said that.” or “That is not what I meant.” or “Why would I do that?” or “What kind of a person do you think I am?” etc… It was a losing battle, so I stopped. Now I keep it simple. I don’t allow myself to be drawn into the drama, easier said than done, but easier with practice. Also, a good therapist to show that YOU are not the crazy one. To trusturgut
and not their warped sense of reality. Once I started trusting myself and being stubborn almost with my reality, my wife started coming around.
Michelle,
He wants you to play the rescuer in his little drama triangle. Look up the Karpman Drama triangle and see how it relates to your situation and history. Once you get good at recognizing what is happening, enforcing your boundaries becomes much easier.
Audre,
I would say for many years I took the abuse and blamed myself thinking it was my fault somehow. Now I know better. I am an extremely forgiving and patient person, which made it tough at first, but now I use that to my advantage. I am able to remain patient and firm with my wife until she gets to a place where she understands what she did was wrong. Before, I would just be thankful and grateful for her wanting me back. Before when she would come back acting like nothing had happened, I would leave well enough alone lest I stir up confrontation again. Now I am confident enough to face the confrontation and stand my ground.
It has to be different with a kid though. You raised him, obviously doing a decent job since he goes on to become a doctor. Your job of responsibility over him is essentially over once he becomes an adult. That doesn’t mean you can’t help him out if you want, but it is not your responsibility. If you do help him, it should be because you want to not because you feel like you have to.
Determining what your responsibilities are is huge to establishing your boundaries.
by patricia evans, if someone accuses you of something that is wrong simply reply “what?” because by defending ourselves we are buying into their reality
There’s another good one. I only hope I can remember it in the moment needed.
And yes Audre, it is sometimes excrutiating not to respond when someone cries for help. That is what anyone in their right and compassionate mind is naturally compelled to do.
This morning I got a direct call in addition to several texts. She was crying and saying that she thought that her daughter would be better off w/o her. That her daughter needs stability not someone who wakes up crying every morning. She’s right but…I was able to talk alittle bit about giving the medication a chance. She wants me to come home. I said what about when this passes because it will? Of course from that head space she was convinced that it’s still best for all of us.
I just a while ago wrote her a very long text explaining where I’m at around things and that she needed to be absolutely sure that this was what she wanted. The agreement btw is to come back w/o any romantic entanglements.
I sent it before I noticed the one that she had sent me saying: “FYI I’m fine again and we made it to the park lol” I then wrote to her that that was good to hear but nonetheless if you’ve changed your mind again about me coming home please to let me know okay.
I made the decision before I sent any of them that if she did change her mind again that this would be the last time I will have this discussion with her.
Panda,
Thanks for reminding me that my son is an adult.
I don’t know what my responsibilities are to an adult. His father believes I do too much. But my natural tendency is to help everyone, not just my son.
There is one caveat, however. When I choose to help someone it is different. I make the choice. This situation with my son has been thrust upon me.
Right now, I am waiting to see if he will ever speak tp me again because I stopped speaking when he told me I made him sick. Before that I asked how he was and made small talk. Now I don’t. So, I don’t know if that is right. Should I just start speaking normally and ignore the insults or should I just go about my business without speaking?
I completely agree with Panda’s post above. I’ve been practising this recently and it really works. At first it might feel like you’re being a bit mean or fighting back but there’s no reason to feel guilty because in actual fact it isn’t aggressive but assertive. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with assertively choosing not to be drawn into dramas.. no matter who you are dealing with. Ultimately it will gain you respect.
Could I please get some of your expertise…I’m new here:
I’ve been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much ‘pressure’.
I realised she didn’t have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist – she became much better – all with good results and on new meds.
Last month things spiralled down fast. She had a lot of triggers and telling me she wished her ‘head would stop’, that she ‘hates this feeling’ and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now – is not a good sign…
Two days later – more questions regarding our relationship – again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn’t good again – I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately – and she said ‘no – it’s been about six months!!’ I asked her to book in – which she later told me she didn’t…
The next night I went and saw her and again – she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago – although she told me she’d never do that again. Again – rushing thoughts…
She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn’t want to see me that morning – but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn’t been to sleep – went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she ‘needed to think’. She was clearly in some kind of ‘psychotic episode’ or ‘mania’ but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.
When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break – and that she ‘needed space’. She also said she loved me but wasn’t ‘in love’ with me anymore even though we were discussing marriage / kids two days before!
I ‘did’ give her this space and had no contact for a week and a half. Out of the blue she rang me to see if I was ‘OK’. She seemed sheepish / nervous – she said she still hasn’t seen her psych but said she knows she has to, to get her meds changed etc. I kept the chat nice and light, no relationship talk, and we sort of left it at ‘well call me if you want to chat.’
I called her the following week and asked if she had seen her pdoc – it was a ‘no’ and then I mentioned her BP episode which she didn’t think was ‘serious’. She was quite annoyed – then she sent me an email later that night:
“I know you think I am going through an ‘episode’, but I want you to respect what is going through my mind all the same. This seems to be my pattern. I don’t know why. But I need to go away and figure some things out. And I know you don’t think that you do, but as much as my opinion counts, I think you do. Are you thinking this is part of my bipolar behaviour? If it is, it is, but that is me.Please forgive me for writing my thoughts to you, but I’m not strong when you turn it all around, and the conversation becomes all about my bipolar.”
I responded to this email apologising for bringing up her bipolar and that she got that impression. Note to self: when she may still be going through an episode – don’t bring up the bipolar!!
Two weeks without contact and she rang me out of the blue yesterday. She had misplaced her house keys – asking if I’d drop over my spare ones in her letterbox. We had a good chat catching up on friends – I kept everything nice and light – she said she was ‘OK’ but she volunteered (without me asking) that she had been back seeing her pdoc lately – which I told her was great. And we left it at let’s catch up for a coffee sometime.
I was so pleased she had finally been seeing her pdoc!
Then she sent me a message later that night – ending it with a kiss. Bizarre – this was how we used to finish all our messages.
I haven’t sent her a text back yet though – because I don’t know what to do! Again I don’t know how to handle this ‘space’ thing!! But with her making contact – and volunteering that she’s gone back to her pdoc – does this mean she could be opening up more?
Thanks for your help – this board is a great relief.
Regards Scott
Hey Scott,
Welcome, checking in from time to time is probably not a bad thing unless you’re told absolutely not to. But I have found that the space thing they all seem to ask for at one time or another is actually real for them due to the triggers. I have been told by my bp partner that the stress from “dealing” with a relationship especially when other things are going on in their life is very real for them. I think they really do experience stress differently then non-bp ppl do. I’m not making excuses just sharing my new found understanding. Did she happen to mention which meds her pdoc has put her on? And when you say she sat there glassy eyed and dissociating can you please describe that a little more. I’ve been a first hand witness to that yet many ppl don’t quite understand it. You asked does this mean she could be opening up more. That’s a big maybe, however, this is a very selfish disorder so if yes it will be in her time, in her way anything perceived as pressure by you will possibly make her run or snap. Meds are great and in most cases necessary but unless they learn cognitive and behavioral ways of managing their thoughts, emotions etc. the meds will only go so far. They experience things as such extremes hence the name.
Audre,
Sometimes when I’ve thought that following through with the not speaking is the absolute exact thing I should…Guess what I later find out that either she has completely forgotten the original event that brought on the silence in the first. REALLY I’m not kidding or she will start making up in her head what she thinks happened, which is completely unrelated or overly embelished. It’s a tough call. Either Panda or Lost and Found once said that dealing with them is like dealing with young children. I’m finding too that this is partly true. You ever put a small child in their room leave them there for too long and later try to reiterate why they were there etc. and the answer you might get is far fetched or something that may have happened yesterday. Yup, that’s what it’s like.
Hey trustyourgut
Thanks so much for your reply. The meds are lithium and another mood stabilizer – think it began ‘C’ – she was also on fish oil tablets.
Her pdoc also does cognitive / beahavourial therapy with her – as well as prescribe drugs.
The epsiode when she had the glassy eyes – sitting on the couch or walking around – just spacing out – a bit dreamy and distant saying she had ‘all these thoughts in her head’ and needed to sleep.
I’ve read you should also show that you ‘care and support’ for them during this time – but how do I do this when we only have sporadic contact and the last thing I want to do is put pressure on her?
Thanks so much for the help, Scott
Ya know Scott,
I’ll share with you a few things that I’ve learned regarding the caring and supporting issue. Keep in mind that as much as the bp’s share sooo many similar characteristics they are all still individuals too. I used to send quite a bit of ‘I love you’s', ‘I’m thinking about you’s', ‘I’m here for you’s', ‘I care and support you’s', ‘I know you’re struggling but you’re not alone’s’ either alone or threaded in the midst of some text. I rarely got any response or acknowledgement to that sort of thing at all. And I’ll admit I would hurt myself with that. Gee doesn’t she hear, feel, see that I’m w/ her no matter what…What she would respond to, if at all was to something unemotional in the text. I used to think well at least she responded to something this time. Many go unanswered. Than periodically I would get msgs talking about how she hated herself, how she’s f’d up and been a miserable failure at every relationship she’s ever had etc. Or during certain conversations she’s revealed to me that friendships are ‘safe’ for her. Putting all that together w/ her reasoning for breaking things off being that now that she’s beginning to ‘come back out of this’ as a result of medication and not wanting to devote any time to working on a relationship and wanting to shield herself from any stress or triggers. It all started to make sense. She was telling the truth about herself. She says, ‘she feels brand new’ and is scared to death. She’s been pretty messed up for the past 4-5yrs. So what I’ve begun to do instead is either keep things strictly business or really funny. Things that make her laugh she will respond to for sure.
This morning she was hysterical crying, she hates the meds, feels like they are bringing on the depression, feels like her daughter would be better off w/o her, why is this happening to her again….I said I know your sad, but you’ve been running hard and high(manic but I don’t throw that word in her face unless she does first) for a really long time and your body is not used to feeling any other way. It’s possible that the meds have laid the false happy down and now all the other stuff underneath has a chance to come up. And then I said-besides you told me shortly after you started taking the first set of meds that you must have been out of your mind and You Can’t AFFORD to have that happen again because the real you is too G-D cheap. That made her laugh out loud and she said, ‘I did say that didn’t I?!’ Before she and I came back into ea other’s lives many months ago she was already in a full blown manic state. Unbeknownst to me(but that’s a different story). But she had bought a 29ft boat, 2 jet ski’s, big screen t.v.s, lending people money all over the place and the list goes on
. Oh and not paying any of her bills. So she also had a car respossed, 2 houses almost foreclosed on and went through a bankruptcy. Oh let the good times roll!
I also know that part of her doesn’t feel worthy of all the sweet msgs that I send her way. They only make her feel like more of a F’up in her mind even if somewhere inside she likes hearing it from time to time. So I’ve resorted to business, humor and decaf mushiness for the time being.
My xgf remembers even two months later what she did and said to break off our relationship. I know these people are not stupid and as a matter of fact it took her four days to make her plan of dumping me work. Anyone ever think that maybe they just changed there mind about seeing you? After all they are human and sometimes things just change like they do for anyone else. Sure maybe she will have some remorse if her plans dont work out like she thought. maybe during her manic party time she met someone else and it wasnt as great as she thought? If I ever hear from her again Lucys gonna have some splannin to do
I truly think they sometimes use this Bipolar thing as a crutch. I dont think a sucessful person such as her could have such bad manners.. How would she have gotten as far as she did if she told everyone the crap shes told me.. Hey boss my son says for you to go eff yourself! Uhh I dont think it would go down to good 
Lost and Found,
I would never discount or make excuses for the possibility of plan ol’ bad manners. But I have seen these tirades in action as I know you have and it is like a runaway train. Once it’s left the station you can not do anything to rationally stop it. I do believe at some point it does become their responsibility to learn how to manage their own condition but it’s not going to happen over night. And I also acknowledge that for some they never get about making the necessary changes and live their lives being oblivious a-holes and just barreling through ppl blaming others all the way. From all I’ve read of your posts I certainly think there was more going on in her situation than can be related to bipolar. We’ve all dealt with nuts but that was a special breed of dysfunction. Just taking your side into consideration you not only had to contend with an unstable woman/mother but the role reversal of a very effected, angry, confused, rude, out of control yet overly controlling kid, without any guidance or understanding for the conditions that he is living in. It’s sad to me and I’m can hear freakishly and justifiably maddening to you.
Funny you brought up the kid.. I was talking about the mother being rude and planning out her attack. I am sure there is more going on inside of her head then she has let me know. I do feel that somewhere along the way she has had to confront this thing married twice.
What I was trying to say is just like anyone else maybe she felt she could do better and decided to get rid of me. Also if she breaks up with me then goes on her manic trip and meets another guy she is not cheating. And this way no guilt.
Yes the kid is out of control and is doing severe damage to his mother. I am sure she is so far out of the loop that when she comes to her sences she is wondering why she has no friends. And thats when little punk keeps quiet. But like Panda said maybe this is also the product of just being rude. The things I remember are the times she has cryed to me about not wanting to be alone ect ect.. But I am going on the third month or more.. I miss the sweet girl I fell in love with. But not the uncareing filthy mouthed one I left behinde
I am 46 yrs old. Hard working raising my own two children. For a 10 yr old to talk about me like that was just too much. I would have washed his mouth out with soap a long time ago if he was my kid.. Is cursing a big part of a bipolars life? Or was this woman of 38 just trailer park trash with a great job?
I would just say in relation to how can a person function in a job and yet be so dysfunctional in relationships, the relationships involve more emotions. These disorders are about emotional regulation. My could go to work and carry herself very well, but at home it was a different story. It seems at least for me, the closer and more comfortable they are with you the more rude and angry they can be toward you. My wife has turned on close friends and family, the difference is that family she will return to, myself included.
Lost and Found,
Trusturgut is right, it seems there is far more going on than just a mood disorder. Like I said before, that is such a hairy situation with so many moving parts that I don’t blame you for walking away. I am not sure where you could start working on that with the kid constantly throwing monkey wrenches between you and her. That is the thing about these disorders, where does the disorder stop and them as people begin? Is the person under the disorder someone who is rude or mean? Who knows, but the steps for enforcing boundaries can help either issue, since it will hopefully teach them to treat you with respect not matter the cause of the disrespect. I am not sure if I explained that in a way that is easy to understand. The point is boundaries are good for any relationship in your life. When you don’t have them, it becomes a major issue in relationships with people who are dysfunctional. As we all found out.
Audre,
You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I think what I would do is when he talks to me in a bad way, I would say I do not want to be talked to in that way any more and walk away. After say an hour or two, or whenever you feel comfortable, let him know that you love him, but you do not want to be talked down to. If he gets angry and continues doing it then you reiterate that you do not want to be talked to that way and walk away, DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO SOME ARGUMENT HE MAY CREATE. Repeat. Eventually it will sink in and it should happen less. There is no guarenteee that this will work, but at least you are enforcing your boundaries. A simple boundary, not wanting to be walked all over. Eventually you can expand on this and create other boundaries, within reason of course.
I would never create a boundary where my wife had to be neat, as she is naturally messy, clean, but messy. I suppose I could if it meant that much to me and was worth losing her over, but you need to pick your battles. I would say getting told you make him sick is a boundary crossing that you should enforce.
Robert, the child must be going through hell. He is probably suffering more than you because he doesn’t have a choice, like you. Too bad you couldn’t get through to him and be a friend. You sound like just the person he needs in his life.
Panda,
Your advice is sound and sensible. I will definitely try that approach.
I do need to put my point of view across more. Usually I don’t mind what goes on because I view life and relationships as absurd anyway. I am usually able to see the funny side of things.
The thing that really bothers me is the anger. When I was a child my step-father was an alcoholic. He used to bring his friends home and there was all this arguing and anger. I have never forgotten that.
Actually what I am seeing here is that many people live their lives in intolerable situations. Why should I expect any different? That confuses me and makes me wonder if I could have prepared my child a little better for the realities of life.
I really did try to befriend the kids both of them. If I bought something for one I would buy somthing for both so there was no hurt feelings. The mother even told me the kids like me and ask about me. The daughter would even hug me infront of mom. But once she started her change the kids would pick right up on it and then the trouble starts. The kids all of a sudden put on the act that they are afraid of me but they would not doit in front of me. Only before I got there or after I left. The last thing that ticked me off was when I asked the mother if my son deserved the verbal insults and curses her son dished out to my son and she said yes beacause my son started it. And this I know is not the truth because my son is very shy and sweet kid. When she said that I lost my temper and told her shes a failure as a mother and then she went off completly nuts. If she had a knife I would have been minced meat. I have not spoken to her since and that was a month ago so I feel this time she will not be back because I cut her too deep. Yes I still feel terrible about it and it still keeps me awake at night but they had all crossed the line with me. I took them out to dinners and ALWAYS PAID THE BILL. I went out of my way to be nice and understanding of them all and in the end I was trashed and this hurt me so bad I still get upset thinking about it.
The way the last trouble started was like this:
Atleast 20 phone calls a day while I was at work. All nice talk.
Then tons of sweet nice text messeges.
Then things started to get bad. Rude comments about my age ect.
Then saying we have nothing in common.
Then finnally the thing with the snow.
All this over four or five days. And that is why I feel like she knew what she was doing. Why I have no idea.. Why the kids would get into it? I have no idea.
Audre,
You can’t prepare your child for every situation they may face in life. Life’s possibilities are infinite. Did he treat you this way as when he was a kid? “Why should you expect any different?” Because you deserve better as all of us on here do. Baby steps towards the goal of us being happier.
As I was reading all the latest posts all I kept thinking of was-Oh the aftermath of all the sh#t we’ve been through and continue to go through as a result. For some it’s still part of our daily lives and for others we relive it in our minds as we try to figure out and unravel wtf happened. And then try to heal and regain our confidence as the ppl we know we are. Sometimes war creates messed up emotions and sometimes emotions create messed up wars.
As for me, it looks like I might be heading back but with completely different dynamics. We have agreed to not be in a romantic relationship but we both have commited to co-parent her daughter. I don’t know how she’s going to feel about me not wanting to live a life without love, sex and a relationship. I’ve thought about bringing it up a few times but frankly I’m not even near ready yet so I thought I’d cross that bridge when I come to. But just because she says that she’s no where near wanting to be with anyone doesn’t mean that I have to commit to a life of nothingness. I haven’t decided when I’m leaving yet as it’s a two day drive. I no I don’t belong here and that my life is back there. My friends here are probably going to freak out and they don’t even have an eigth of the whole story.
I have my doubts but just so long as we keep the focus on the baby and not us. We have a shot of not losing it. She has already said that she wants me to have a life. Her issue is that she is just too damaged to be in a relationship now that she’s awake to all that’s gone on. But acknowledges that I’m a pretty good “catch” and that’s why she came back for me in the first place.
I haven’t packed yet so we will see. But I have been getting some things in order in preparation for my departure.
Panda,
My child was cute, sweet, good-natured and loved by all when he was a child. He spent time with his grandparents and their friends loved him. He loved elderly people. My mother’s friends would always send him cards for special occasions. He didn’t seem to have any problems.
He and I never had a mean word between us. When he was in university he used to call whenever he had a problem and I would spend as much time as necessary to help him to find solutions.
I never suspected a thing was wrong until one day out of the blue he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I can’t help wondering what I did wrong.
Audre,
If he was such a great child then why blame yourself…you did nothing wrong. It sounds like you did a great job, nothing to be sorry for. What you are dealing with now is not your fault. You took him in because you love him, but that does not obligate you to continuously be subjected to abuse. There is nothing wrong with enforcing boundaries. It may feel foreign at first, and your son may not like it, but as time goes on, AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN CONSISTENT, things should improve. That is no guarentee, but as my therapist would say, can you continue down the path you are currently on?
Trusturgut,
I wish you the best of luck. I know for me, my family and friends thought I was absolutely nuts for taking my wife back, each and every time. I felt almost embarassed doing it, but I never have regreted it. It is hard for them to understand because they don’t know them as well as we do and don’t see that deep down this is a disorder that at the present time is out of their control. It is strange, but it is like we know that there lies a beautiful person within the monster that comes out occasionally. My therapist said it is essential to have compassion for what the other is going through, otherwise you will be filled with anger, that may eventually lead YOU to be the one that wants out.
I can see that logic, because I was about at the end of my rope before the therapist gave me some very simple steps to enforcing boundaries, and my reality that have worked so far. Simple but effective.
Lost and Found,
The finding of fault is something I can definately relate to. When my wife would try pushing me away, she would say things like we had nothing in common, or that we didn’t belong together, or finally that I was manipulative and controlling. It is like they feel betrayed somehow by us and then try and come up with reasons to leave. This may be to try and link up their inside tornado of emotions to “reality”, in a way to make sense of everything. Of course that is why we are left scratching our heads so often, because when you link crazy to reality, what you get is something very confusing.
That is why I no longer buy into her “reality” and accept my reality and point out how I see things and leave it at that. If you get angry and yell back as almost any person not schooled in dealing with these disorders would do, then you just linked their internal tornado to “reality”. They would think at that point, that is why I hate him so much, look at how he is yelling at me. Even though they may have been the first to cast stones or may have said something so despicable that you feel compelled to retaliate. It is almost like they are trying to pull your strings to get you to fit their reality.
At least that is how I see it.
Panda,
I am searching my brain every day trying to see if I missed something in his childhood.
You and the others are helping me see myself and my reactions.
At the moment I want to do something because I haven’t talked to him for days. But I am thinking that I should just go about my business and leave him alone.
And I would add, that is why being extremely calm and confident is important. It was really hard at first for me because I am a natural fighter. I used to be like, “I am an ass*ole?…I am a lazy son of a b#tch? Well f#ck you you bitch!” I am not lying. I am not proud at all at how I handled myself years ago. It wasn’t until probably 4 years ago that I stopped responding to her anger with anger. That move is critical. Now I hear her insults, and calmly respond that I do not want to be talked to that way, etc… Eventually after I get an apology we may get to what was causing the anger in the first place. It is a process that I am sure not everyone has the patience for.
Audre,
Some suggestions for if you decide to talk to him. Be prepared for what may come if you decide to talk to him and have a plan in place…for instance, “I don’t want to be talked to that way anymore….” and walk off. If he seems pleasant, you can wait for the next attack and enforce your boundaries which at this point he would be unaware of or you could bring up how when he told you you make him sick, that it hurt you and you no longer want to be treated that way. Simple warning for him of what your boundaries are.
This may be to try and link up their inside tornado of emotions to “reality”, in a way to make sense of everything.
Panda,
First I love what you said above so much! But more importantly, I can’t thank you enough for your honest and rather kind and understanding words. I, believe it or not was even concerned to share my decision to return here in this forum. I know most of us have probably had our times of going back and forth. Your therapist sounds like a very wise person and that you’ve gotten alot out of that experience.
I’ll admit I’m frightened. Not that I’ll be hurt but of putting myself in a potentially stressful situation again. I know I love them both and that for me it is the right decision. And your right there is a beautiful person that lies w/in the monster. That’s the whole point. Our loved ones struggling with this are not serial killers for goodness sake. They need to learn how to manage their condition and we need to learn how to best deal with and respond on our end.
I appreciate what you said very much,
Well you are very welcome. My therapist is absolutely awesome. Very insightful. Her mother was borderline and she said when I described what had happened over the years, she got goosebumps. She would finish my sentences for me because she had experienced the same things with her mother. She would ask probing questions that she knew what my answer would be because she had been through it. She is a therapist and she said she will sometimes not be able to deal with her mother.
That wasn’t exactly encouraging, but the relationship is slightly different.
Being scared is a very good thing. It is when we are just grateful that they want us back and blindly run back that is really scary when you think about it. Before for me anyway, fear was replaced with happiness that we would be getting back together. Being scared means you will be vigilant and more prepared. Remember those boundaries. Trust your gut and who cares what others think. I think if the decison is right for you, then it is the right decision.
Trusturgut/Panda
Trust what you said about the frieght train out of control really struck a nerve with me. That is exactly what its like. Once the train starts rolling it just keeps picking up speed until it crashes or falls off the track.
I have spent hours and hours going over every detail trying to figure out ways to continue forward in my lost relationship. And one of the things I found was a word called Kindling. I think the name came from a Dr Kindling. Well wether its the mans name or not this Kindling is a perfect name for what this man has found and his work.
Apparently Kindling is the start of a episode where things start off small and progress. Sort of like a smoldering fire. Thoughts linger and double and smolder until they catch flame and go out of control and that is what iv seen happen in my xgf. There is a drug that is used to control this kindling effect but I am not sure right now what it is.
But if you look up kindling on here you will find more on the subject. and maybe this could help in some way.
My own relationship I feel is lost. I lost my temper and I feel scared her away for good this time. I wanted to be there and to help and If I really had any chance at all I would have stayed. Yes I am a fixer. Like it or leave it this is what I am. I have a need to find someone that I can fix because like the bipolar this is part of who I am. Ecept this time I found someone who I feel does not want to be fixed and there are just too many things stacked against me. Yes I miss her terribly but knowing I am fighting a losing battle has made me feel I have lost this war. I wish you all the luck in the world but offer you this advice. If possible get your own apartment nearby your gf. Because if she throws you out you will need a place to go. I dont mean this bad but in my case I would never move in with my xgf because I would end up homless or in jail.
Panda
Did your wife not have BP when you first started dateing? If she did what kept her comming back if you were fighting back with her? I feel I had crossed the line with her saying the mean thing I said about her being a crappy mom. Did your lady come back even after bad fights? Also what do you feel about this kindling effect? Is there hope in this as a way to stop the frieght train?
Lost and Found,
I just finished reading about the ‘Kindling’ effect. What a great and accurate concept. I think that’s exactly what happens/and happened in my gf’s case. I think she was bipolar for many many years. Just went undiagnosed(well some dr’s and therapists tried but gave her the wrong meds which didn’t work AT ALL) so she said they must have been wrong. In the past 5 years as she was hit left and right with MAJOR stressors that frankly, as I’ve said many many times would’ve taken anyone down. I think this thing got ignited. The meds that you were referring to were Tegretal and Depakote. They just put her on Depakote approx. 2 weeks ago. That was the one that she keeps saying she wants off of because the depression was getting overwhelming for her. But as I’ve described here and to her what I think is happening is that it has begun to lay down the manic part and she’s not used to how that feels. Plus as I’ve read it takes longer for that particular drug to take effect than some of the others.
You comment about me getting my own apartment does not go unnoted
That was supposed to be the original plan several times over for alot of reasons. In the beginning the reasons were noble and in the end they switched and became necessary. This last time when she decided that the stressors of dealing with a relationship was too much. She never wanted me out of her life she did just want us living in separate residences so there wasn’t any tension around her daughter. Of course, there wasn’t any time pressure at first, fast forward to 24hrs later and she was festering, snarling, angry and trying to stuff all this because of the child she blew(of course baby not around). I was gone in the car and across country in 2 days. She just wanted my to move into an apt. down the street, and frankly so did I. I hate being so far away. But there wasn’t enough time. Since I’ve been away that is part of what I’ve been doing is looking for work and residence back home. Now she says that as long as we are operating as friends and coparents with all the other stuff off the table that things should be better. As I’ve said the good part is that we are very good friends at our core. And frankly I really dont want to be away from them. But I will continue to work on looking for my own place in the event that things go hay wire again. I have more to say but have completely lost my train of thought hee hee. Be back later
Well I’m really doing it. I’m packing up and heading home. Who knows I’m probably going to need this website more than ever when I get there so, I hope you are all still here. Until I have the opportunity to check in again. I wish you all alot of peace, strength and gaining wisdom.
Trusturgut
Have a safe trip and let us know when you arrive!
Audre,
Thank you for you thoughtfulness. It’s a long trip with a little too much time to think:)
I’m beginning to wonder if there is some overlap between bipolar/borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. Considering that we all have, well according to psychology, levels of (healthy) narcissism then it seems to stand to reason that bipolar/borderline might have some disruption to the narcissistic elements of the personality. Just a thought.
Hope everyone here is having a peaceful weekend. My other half is in self-centred yet happy mode, whatever that is
Zuki,
I agree, I think there is a spectrum of these mood/personality disorders. We as humans like to group people into nice categories, but everyone is unique and different.
Lost and Found,
I would say that in the early phase, there was a lot of her leaving, not fighting so much or anger, but more just feeling I didn’t care about her when in reality I did. She would leave and then want me to chase her, which I did. That happened repeatedly. Then when she was in grad school and an RD of the worst building on campus, I would day she had a nervous breakdown. That is when I first started seeing the HUGE contrast of emotions. I hate you, I love you, I hate you, etc… Then when I graduated, we both left and started working. She seemed OK at first, which is why I thought it was isolated to the stress she was under at that time. But she soon started hating her job and then seemed depressed. She went on Zoloft for a while, which seemed to help, but she didn’t like the way it made her feel. Then we had a baby and got our first house. Then the shit really hit the fan. She would yell at me and I would yell at her. I think she was grappling with following through with a divorce, but would come to her senses about how much I meant to her before she would. It was absolutely crazy how much cycling happened during that time. Then we moved closer to her family in the sticks about 3 years ago. She works a few hours a week on average from home, and takes care of our youngest son. The stress levels went down significantly, but that just seemed to help and not alleviate the issues. Nothing seems good enough for my wife for long. She will love our family our home, our life etc. and then will hate our house and her life and criticise herself, me, the town, our home. She used to complain about our last house how small it was and now she complains about the new house how big it is. She never seems satisfied for very long.
She has recently, I would say within the past 6 months come to realize there is an issue in her mind. She doesn’t want to beleive it is borderline or bipolar and instead is getting recommnedations on antidepressents from doctors, not psychiatrists or therapists, but doctors. It is a start, and honestly I beleive that the realization for her was helped by me being firm/stable/supportive. The decision for help has to be hers though.
I can’t really say if my wife showed signs of a mood disorder before I met her 18 years old, but I have been paying closer attention to stories I hear of her when she was younger and the more I question her or others on them to gain more insight. I feel like there was definately some issues in mood/emotion regulation even at an early age, a lot of repression and then exploding, but I think that extremely stressful events throw her completely off balance. Still not sure what causes her to give up on us sometimes and not other times. That is quite possibly some imbalance more similar to bipolar than borderline.
I sometimes feel like we can help only in general terms, that it is like 3 or more moving targets that we have to line up which are constantly changing. It can be discouraging sometimes for sure, but I have seen a huge change in my wife’s behavior and am hoping it continues. That keeps me going.
I have been reading a lot and have been seeing articles that promote cognitive understanding as being the only helpful thing really. They call it by different names but it all comes from the same idea that they have to become aware of their own behavior. Only then can they change. It seems that is what you are doing Panda and it seems to be working for you. It will get better in time for you. it won’t get better for others who can’t break through, in the first place, to even have the limited conversation.
Just an update on my sitch…
After not having seen my g/friend for 6 weeks I bumped into her at work (we work in the same industry)I just waved and kept on walking but she came after me to say hello.
She looked OK – not great (our last convo she revealed she has gone back to see her pdoc) but she noticed things about me – that I had new clothes on and had grown some facial stubble. I just made sure I made her laugh a bit and kept the convo light.
Then she asked if I wanted to meet up for a coffee next week which surprised me.
She also wanted me to say hello to my parents from her.
So it seems like she is opening up to me more – maybe this could be some progress.
Scott
Audre,
It seems to be the direction treatment is going nowadays. Think of it like training them how to read their emotions and respond to them appropriately. It can be done even when you don’t see them often. Being independent in a strange way makes us seem like we know what we are doing.
The plus side is we start living for us more…not a bad thing. They will trust you more if they don’t think you have motives. I think my wife was suspicious of me before because I would only bring up issues when they were issues, not unlike most people, but once I started to bring them up when things were good, she could actually talk about them and I could give her feedback in a constructive way. She is too defensive when she is angry, which is why what might work on someone who is “normal” won’t work in these situations. When they are having an episode, there is no cognitive thinking, no rational thought, only extreme emotions, and there is no winning, understanding or compassion for anything other than themselves and their own survival at that point. I wouldn’t say that any situation is beyond hope, just that some situations are trickier than others. Lost and Found’s for instance with a kid undermining and sabotaging any progress. He would really be fighting two fronts at the same time. I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be. Winning over the kid first might be the only way. That would give me an ulcer. 
She had told me the kids liked me and are always asking about me. That was when she was under control. As soon as she started to do her change thing the kids picked right up on it and went on the attack. All done very sneaky and not infront of me. Who knows what they are putting her through and for how long they have been doing this? She once told me her second husband did not like her kids.. Now I know why
Well its been a few full months now that I havent seen her and a few good weeks since i last texted her and lost my kool. And I am starting to feel better. The girl actually had put me into a few months of depression and I am working through that still. I am getting plenty of sleep and trying to get back on track. Trying to stop waiting for a phone call or text that I know is not coming. Yes I still miss the girl who I feel was stolen away from me by this BP beast. I havent had the water in my bathroom turned on by itself in a few weeks now so what ever the hell it was is gone. But I will NEVER FORGET the noise of banging and people walking around that I heard at her house. That was the most freaky thing Iv ever been through and I still think that people who have these troubles may be attracting more then they bargained for.. If I was still there id be hanging crosses all over that house and holy water everywhere.. Id wash them kids down with it too 
I hope that oneday this BP thing comes out of the closet and there is a cure or something found. Last night I woke up with the vision of my xgf having some sort of a scared panick attack like thing going on. I could not sleep again. yes it breaks and has broken my heart this terrible terrible disease I hate it with all my heart and it pisses me off.. I wish I didnt lose my kool that day but maybe this is what had to be. A few more months or yrs with her and I may be the one who checks out of this world. I am not strong enough and with out any help from her family I would surly lose..
Panda,
How often did/does your wife experience those extreme emotions? How long do they last? How long after they are over before you can talk rationally?
i have been writing things down and they follow a general, but not actual, pattern.
I email my son about day to day stuff he needs to know and words of encouragement. Other than that we no conversation, except yes and no answers.
He is angry at me when he is in an episode; when he is out of it, he still blames me for giving birth to him.
Scott/ what was the cause of the last time she took off on you? If you are still reading these boards let me know I am just wondering..
I nominate Panda for a noble peace prize.. The man gives hope to the hopeless and comfort in the storm. Thank you for being on this blog. And thank you to the rest of you guys. It really helps to know we arent completly alone in all this. whether it be a past or present ..
http://tearsandhealing.com/default.htm?utm_source=excerpts&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Header – just another thing for you all to look at with loads of good advice and tips and books to buy if you want – i havent yet but ther is a bit on the page to register for e mails and exerpts of the books – really really good. M xx
Panda panda panda please help me with my boundaries. mine are so weak and flimsy. i just do not get them, i have read the book learning how to say no. for instance, on saturday i went out with my freind to the pub, i got text messages saying i was a drunk and that i was playing games and calling me names, then messages left on my answer phone calling me names (oh why bother???) then in the morning texts saying are you ignoring me, so i replied to say wasnt happy with what was said last night and i didnt have to listen to anyone who wanted to call me evil, he text back sorry had too much to drink, then 5 minutes later got one saying you are playing games with me, anyone understand why they do this?? how do i enforce my boundary – i too used to use fighting and anger as a response and no longer do, it is hard isnt it, when all you ever seen is anger. HELP please anyone?? M xxx
i feeel like its a hate campaign against me, he leaves for weeks and totally spends all his time with another person – a lesbian who he said he trusted, then said that the people he thought he could trust he just doesnt anymore – what goes on??????? M xx
I second the nomination: Panda for Nobel Pace Prize!
Panda for Nobel PEACE Prize!
Lost and Found,
Thinking about it some more, maybe the kids are just following the mother’s lead. I am sure they love her and want to please her. Kids are funny like that, they will do quite a bit to please their parents. So if she is going off, they might too thinking it will make her happy. What they do not know is that they are enabling her, but they are kids after all and she is their mother. Tough one.
I appreciate the compliment, I just want to give info, advice, support in any way that might help someone else. I came to this site a couple years ago and posted about a year ago. It and some of the people on here made a huge difference in my perspective and life. I just want to pay it forward a little.
Audre,
My wife would experience a huge blow up about once a year, and what I mean by that is leaving and wanting a divorce. Little tremors, if you can call them that, because they still seem pretty big sometimes, happen more frequently. Since I have become more attuned with my boundaries, I have noticed more crossings and have enforced them more often, which has helped tremendously. Before I would let quite a bit slide. It is an art, first figuring out where your boundaries are, then being aware of when they are crossed, which can happen very quickly and sometimes sneakily, and then deciding when to enforce and how to enforce, for instance, choosing your battles and if you decide to battle, do you do it right then or wait until things calm down. There is a lot there, and you can’t expect to pick all that up quickly. Start out slowly and I guarentee you will naturally grow.
Michelle,
You sound like you did a great job. Be proud of yourself. He said he was sorry, which I would look at as a victory. It may seem foreign to him which might be why he thinks you are playing games. I bet you felt better when you stood up for yourself. I know I was giddy the first few times. I felt empowered, in control of myself. In order to have strong boundaries, you have to care about yourself a lot. You have to put yourself first. By doing that, when bad behaviors happen, you will not allow yourself to put up with it. In a way, you have to be willing to lose the one who is hurting you. For me this only came with time since it took a long time before I had had enough.
It is just like disciplining kids, you cannot make empty threats, because they will see it. So no empty threats, just state that you no longer want to be treated that way and leave it at that. Confidence is key since it seems they look to us as the jersey barriers to keep them on course. See a therapist, that would certainly help with confidence, I know it helped me considerably. You will know right away if your therapist is good, beleive me, and if not find someone else. I have had a few therapists and the one I see periodically now is head and shoulders the best one. I would also add that make sure when they apologize and show remorse that you reward them with love to encourage the good behavior. That is where I am right now, making sure I show love when my wife shows remorse despite the hurt feelings and anger I may feel.
aw thatnkyou panda. its really confusing to me this boundary stuff. we had both had a glass of wine or two the other night and i said that if he continued to speak to me like that that i wouldnt hesitate in walking out, he said well go on then, but he did stop, should i of walked out when he called my bluff or did i do the right thng staying?? i feel he is testing me all the time, he text and told me not to lose my temper and be angry when i was calm as a cucumber when replying to him – do they test our resolve????? when we say we are strong, its not our words they want to hear it is our actions!! you are right panda, i have been empty threats all my life, i always said would leave yet never would. thsi is a major problem for me, finding strong boundaries? i feel until i do, he is gonna keep walking over me somehow. and heres to the PEACE prize for you panda – you have beeen voted lol M xxx
Michelle,
I would also add that enforcing the boundaries feels foreign to us as well.
I know at first, I had the hardest time grasping what was and wasn’t acceptable, what was and wasn’t real. I started trusting my reality more. If you use the stem sentences, I feel ____ when you _____ because ____. you will never be wrong. He cannot argue with you about how you feel. You will always be right. 
Remember that. Hopefully you will see positive results to keep it building.
so now that this has happened, it becomes a kind of battle of who will give in first and speak, ring or text. is that what we should do or should i text or ring him?? plus i didnt even get a chance to reply that i was plesed he was sorry, as it was only 5 minutes and i got one saying i was playing games and was evil?? god i wish they knew what they were doing – if any of us was evil i get the feeling we wouldnt be on here tryin to find out what the heck was the matter and try to put things right – i just dont get why they cant see it?? I had a look at the karpman drama triangle, that is very interesting for anyone who missed the post about that – it was us all over, and now that i refuse to be the victim the perpetrator or the rescuer – will the game not be played or will he find someone alse to play the game with???? also he asked me the other day the first time i’d seen him in 6 weeks if i thought we loved each other – i said i thougt we did but that it was infatuation at first, any one feel the same about their partners??? M xxxxxx
I am tearing up everyone. I just wished I had come across this site sooner.
Michelle,
If you are not prepared to leave him, then do not threaten to leave him.
You don’t have to threaten him, you could simply say I no longer want to hear you _____. Then leave the room. Then if he tries talking to you either A) like nothing happened, B) blaming you, or C) actually apologizing (either right then or a while later, maybe even the next day), then you can say A) I didn’t like the way you treated me….. B) when you _____ I feel ____ because _____. C) it means a lot to hear you say you are sorry, I love you too.
Remember, for A) or B) may end up with you saying I no longer want to be treated that way and walking off. Repeat.. until you get to C) or something at least close to it.
aw bless you panda. i am very gald i found this site, its all very helpful – everyones input is just soo helpful. i have been doing the stem sentences for about 6 or 7 month now, i have not lost my temper and been strong for around a year – i knew i needed to build trust, and i just feel that this has taken forever and it still hasnt happened, i know everyone is different, and i know i am sometimes so impatient however i am so much better these days – i realise it is a gift to wait. but he is still calling me evil and accusing me of being angry and playing games. is he testing me, i know no one can probably answer, but this is what this journey is doing to me, i do everything to be a better person, and be strong yet i still am afraid that all my effort and i will lose him? and even if i do i know it wont be in vain, i am a better person. M xxxxxxxxx
Thats pretty much what I am thinking too. The kids may be taking her q. And following up on her feelings. So maybe this is just her way of cutting me lose
Well it has worked and I do not want to be with her if I am only good enough when she is feeling bad and I cheer her up. Its a two for one ratio. Two months of her not being around times one month with her.. Not a very good ratio. Also this brings me back to the pictures.. Her sad look with me when I thought she was happy and the happy look when she hurts me and takes off. If hurting me when she leaves makes her happy then screw her..
Michelle,
Good questions. I would feel comfortable talking with my wife if 1) I wasn’t so angry that I might say something I would regret or 2) If I felt that she wasn’t being mean or nasty. It is completely up to you. So it isn’t really a war, so much as it is you making sure you are heard and respected.
I would say I am glad he was sorry but I am not playing games. Keep it simple, and remember, confidence. Don’t get drawn into an argument over you being “evil”. State I don’t beleive I am evil. Repeat, keep it simple and don’t get drawn into an argument that you will never win.
Remember, state facts, stuff they cannot argue with.
I cannot say that he might not run to someone as the victim and them as the savior. It is a real possibility. The idea is to force them for brief periods of time at least out of the triangle. They feel comfortable in that triangle with a persecutor, savior and victim, and as I said before, they are almost always the victim. They could be beating you to death, and they will be the victim.
Forcing them out of the triangle forces them to deal with the true reality, and hopefully learn from it.
The asking you if you loved each other question was most likely a test. He might be looking for reassurance. You could say I can only speak for me, but I love you.
Just wanted to show you all a bit of the e mail from Tearsandhealing.com
As part of my struggle to know where reality starts and insanity stops, I wrote this letter to my wife. No, I didn’t send it to her. It would only have triggered an angry response, and would never have been forgiven. But I needed to do this to really see the true extent of what was happening to me.
Dear NECW,
Today I am going to write to you about how you are destroying my self-esteem. I’m going to use a description of brainwashing from p. 63 of Stop Walking on Eggshells (p. 171 ). So let me show you how you are doing this to me:
Isolate the victim: This one is clear. You have insisted that I can only talk to a therapist about my life. Then when I’ve tried to do this, you’ve told me you can’t deal with this, and implicitly threatened to lose control and attack me even further if I had my own therapist. When I talk to someone at work, you attack me, and tell me I could have talked to my father, your mother, my brother, my friend. When I talk to my father, you accuse me of destroying trust in the relationship. In short, you insist that I isolate myself from everyone else in my life.
Expose them to consistent messages: Over and over again, you tell me how I am sick, how I will not take blame for our problems, how I never talk to you, never touch you, never respond when you “beg” me to change. You continue to attack me for dressing, acting, choosing cars and telephones in ways you don’t want. You’re not asking for change. You’re not asking for anything. You’re telling me you think I’m worthless and expressing unbounded contempt for me.
Add some form of abuse: Your rages are abuse of the first order. And contrary to your assertions, these aren’t new. They’ve only become more frequent and more intense. They are violent, deliberately hurtful attacks. They serve no purpose except to demoralize me. When you are not raging, you are acting out quietly: calling me at work dysphoric, accusing me of not being alone; getting me in a room or on the phone and not letting go of me even though no purpose is served. This is painful and abusive.
Get the person to doubt what they know: This one is one you’re getting better at. Now that your therapists have had a look at me, you’re perfectly positioned to bombard with me “credible” assertions about how awful I am. You consistently tell me what you say your therapist said about me – always bad. I know these are distortions, based on what you say, but over and over you use this tactic, and it creates doubt. Why does everyone in the world think well of me but you and your therapists?
Keep them on their toes: This is your best. You are always unpredictable. Anything can change your mood from stable to threatened. When threatened, you become accusing, critical, and often attack me. I never know what is going to happen when I answer my phone, what you are going to do when you walk into the study, who will be standing in the kitchen when I come in.
Wear them down: see all of the above.
So you see, you are intent on destroying my self-esteem – brainwashing me to think badly of myself – and you work tirelessly toward that end. And I deserve better than that.
aw thankyou panda, so does forcing them out of the triangle mean not acting like the victim the persecutor or the rescuer?? i think when i started all this i started to lose him more, he found what i’d call another rescuer to take my place after i changed in the beginning. maybe she is becoming more aware of what is going on. last wekk when he was arrested under mental health act, he chucked a lot of stufff out the window and into the next door neighbours garden, i didnt say a lot about it but it seemed to be all her stuff??? maybe she has refused to be the victim rescuer persecutor and it made him angry, and thats why he came back to me, to seee if he could make me the persecutor? god its all so strange!! M xxxxxxx
grrr i can feel myself getting really mad here. i think i’d rather he ignored me for months again. he just text to say that if i read the texts i sent on sunday i would know why he said i was playing games, well i did that i told my freind what had been said, and she said it was just normal stuff. ( by the way we are talking about someone who asked me if i was trying to freak him out on friday when i took over a spinach pizza as i was hungry) any way as i have been on here i havent heard phone and got one that said see you know what you have been doing!!! what the heck do i have to do???? any way i have replied with i am not evil and if you think that i’m sorry you feel that way but it makes me feel bad when you say it and i dont want to hear it. and if i have to guess which bits actually upset him then i will never really know what has and that i prefer people to be straight with me. am i on the right track here, i havent been aggressive, or sarcastic which i really really did feel like??? thankyou so much for your help M xxxx
YES! Do not accept their reality if you know it to be false. Do not accept responsibility for things that are not your responsibility. This also gets easier with time and practice.
I would guess that he ran to her (savior) as the victim. YOU were the persecutor. Now she is the persecutor he is the victim and you are the savior. How they view you doesn’t matter so much as staying true to what YOU know reality to be. If he wants to view you as the rescuer and idolizes you, fine, just remember that it probably won’t last. My therapists tip for this is to remain even keel, as much as possible. Still showing love and affection, but trying not to get caught up in the drama. Remember it takes very little for them to shift the triangle. A simple harmless statement could cause them to feel hurt by you, and before you know it, your shit is being thrown in the neighbors yard.
i agree panda, but it took all of 5 minutes for me to become the persecutor again. do you walk away forever or see if you can eventually put things right???have you read about the imago theory by hendrix??? i think that is a good theory, but too long to write prob best to google it. ps thanks again and i will not be dragged into the drama, as i always was before, and funnily enough i realise that i used to be like this myself, always causing a drama as negative attention is better than no attention – oh how i have changed and slowly but surely i will put myself right. M xxx
It can happen quicker than that. Triangles can shift in the same conversation. As my therapist would say they are bouncing around inside this triangle, and if you do not assume the role you are given by them, you are creating a new shape, possibly a square
and that confuses them. That is a good thing.
Only you know if you care for him enough to try and work on this.
No, but I will take a peek. Imago Theory?
Everyone creates drama or goes into the trangle to some degree, so don’t feel bad, but the people we are dealing with practically live within that triangle.
Its very interesting. So we pick partners that are like our parents so we can heal hurts of the past?
yeah it is – i havent finished reading all about it yet. alice miller mentions as much in her book the drama of being a child. i’ve just finished that one. M xx
Hey Lost and Found / Robert
The first time my BP girlfriend left she had quite an intense episode and told me it was too much pressure to have a boyfriend – thought I was being ‘too affectionate’ and convinced herself I was going to go back to my wife. Then she came up with a theory that ‘I had to be friends with my ex-wife so it would prove I was over her.’
What was different with that episode was she kept more contact – even having a panic attack the next day and calling me for help. We sort of maintained contact which just fell into a relationship again – although I wasnt allowed to call her my ‘girlfriend’!
Of course when she was back on her meds and back seeing a pdoc she realised how wrong she thought her behaviour was in retrospect.
This time – she’s been more distant though and kept to herself – now thinking I haven’t been showing her enough attention.
And because she hasn’t been in more contact – of course now I’m wondering if there’s someone else.
It’s a killer…
Hey all, oh Im definitely back home Ive tried to write this 3 times already. Between her and her daughter Ive barely had time to breath. Gratefully not in a bad way. Unfortunately I don’t have access to a comp so Im also having to do this from my phone. I have so much to say and tell but that would take me forever this way. It’s obviously been a very active last few days on here. But first I really just wanted to mention to PANDA how much he has made me laugh today. You have been so right on in some of your descriptions of the dynamics that I almost pissed myself you solutions have of course been right on too. ‘bouncing inside the triangle!’ that was a visual. If you can do as you suggest and hold your ground and not buy in it really can be like watching someone inside a bouncy house trying to hold onto there position yet switching it constantly.
Michelle, the descriptions of the txts you’ve rec’d are so classic. My phone and yours could’ve been twins at one point. I knw sometimes the interactions happen so fast that it makes you feel like your literally spinning. And because they can be so far out of context to what it is you are trying to communicate that you forever feel like you are on the defense. It can be confusing and definitely wears your ass out. That’s why what Panda was saying was so important. Keeping your responses short and concise really is the most effective. Plus it keeps you focused and conserves your energy. The thing I like the most about all of us is that none of us every sAy just blow them off and don’t respond. If they disappear that’s one thing but compassion I believe directs to do other things. Just try to remember to keep yourself into the equation. Compassion and self respect is also vital. And assists you in being more effective.
It has almost been at least a month since i have written…my husband never moved out, still threatens to though… the root of our problem is me wanting a child and he does not. (I also found out that his mother told him that he should not have kids when he told her we were trying)
Panda, thank you for your perspective on having kids. I know that it would be hard at times, but I don’t think it could be as bad as what I am going through now. there aren’t many word to describe the pain that I endure every day. Our marriage was basically over after a five minute conversation. He just says he can’t talk about it. He barely looks at me or speaks to me. He says he is feels guilty that our marriage is over.
I have been trying to get his medication adjusted, but of course he won’t take the new meds, Gabapentin…has anyone heard of it for agitation? He walks around telling everyone that he is moving out but has no plan and no money. I confronted him tonight after many weeks of holding my breath. I asked him why he treats me so badly? why he won’t look me in the eyes? Of course he gives me a blank stare and says “I don’t know” he did say he will try to treat me better, which was a surprise. I told him that since he does not want to try and work things out and try counseling that i needed to know when he was leaving? his answer”don’t worry about me” I said “i am worrying about me, not you” This man that i have been w/for 17 years has not once asked me how i am, or how my day was or anything about me in the past 2.5 months. I really don’t know how much longer i can deal w/it. I know that he is ill, but i am ready to move on from all of this and I want him to move out more each day. I know that it will be a disaster for him, but there is only so much i can do. I can’t catch him when he falls anymore. These past 2.5 months have been a complete nightmare and I just want it to end!
My question is for anyone? Do I just stop helping him? do I encourage him to leave? he really seems to think that we are over this time so do i just let him go? If anyone has a suggestion for me on how to handle my situation, let me know! Thanks! :0I
Oh Jen, what Ive been in for the past several months has been exhausting at times and buzzard but what you just described was the last 5yrs of my last relationship that lasted 15yrs. I feel your anguish. Honestly the first thing that came to my mind does he really think it’s over or is he just pouting. That may sound like an odd question but. My last relationship finally ended last Oct. It has been one of the most gruelly experiences Ive ever gone through. And nasty. My current one has been too but for other reasons. We didn’t know that she was sick. Nobody really believes it’s over until someone really makes a move literally and figuritively
Trusturgut,
I really think he believes it is over. I am just tired of hearing it. I know that he has a mental illness and if he was well this would probably not be the situation, but how much longer do i wait? he is not getting better, won’t take the meds, he is so lost and i am tired of taking care of him. I have nobody to help me deal w/him. It is so draining! I am sure that if he was “well” he would have been saving money and had a plan to leave by now. What happens when i turn my back? Who will deal w/ the consequences of that? I feel like i am on a rod to nowhere! How did you deal w/your ex for 5 years? was she always wanting to leave during that time?
LET THE BLAMING BEGIN The niceness lasted a whole three days. Just got yelled at because she’s late taking her daughter to school. Of course there’s zero responsibility taken for the fact that she was up all night again and was very difficult to wake up! I’m so not taking this one on. But damn it sucks getting my ass deemed first thing in the morning. Haven’t been yelled at once by anyone during the entire month that I was gone. Siggghhh
Jen, it is not your responsibility to look after another adult. If you are not happy, don’t let what will happen to him after you are gone stop you from leaving. i can tell you they are pretty resilient when they have to be.
As for children, I would stay away from having a child in that atmosphere. Think of the child!
Trusturgut, glad you got there safely anyway.
I am not sure if this will help but I send it:
“For those with no anger,
how can anger arise?
When you practice deep looking and master yourself,
you dwell in peace, freedom, and safety.
The one who offends another after being offended by him,
harms himself and harms the other.
When you feel hurt, but do not hurt the other,
you are truly victorious.
Your practice and your victory benefit both of you.
When you understand the roots of anger in yourself and in the other,
your mind will enjoy true peace, joy, and lightness.
You become the doctor who heals himself and heals the other.
If you don’t understand,
you will think not getting angry to be the act of a fool.”
Scott/Audre/Jen/All
When I got involved with my x-gf I had no idea what BP was. When I found out and researched it I thought ok I can handle this. I was wrong. There were so many dyanamics working against me I did not even realize it.
Its all good that you want to try and manage a loved one and maybe you can.
But not all situations are alike. So for anyone who thinks maybe they do not have a will of steel or a cast iron wall of emotions concider getting out of this situation because you can get yourself in way to deep and getting hurt or worse hurting yourself.
DO NOT MARTYR YOURSELF. You will not be doing anyone any good by letting yourself be destroyed by the uncaring BP
My girl promised me she would not dump me again. She told me I meant everything to her. It took almost a week for her to trap me into a stupid reason for cutting me lose again. But she did it. Within hours she had posted new pictures of herself on FB. She was smileing and happy for what she had done.
I was destroyed went into two months of depression that also effected everyone around me including my own kids. I thought I could handle this but I cant. Last night I woke up again feeling like death was all around me. I keep watching and waiting for her return but in reality she does not care one tiny bit about what she has done to me. The smileing pictures continue to be posted and I continue to torcher myself by looking at them. Please dont tell people to stay in a bad relationship that will determin weather you are a winner or a loser. A real winner comes out of this alive and healthy not withdrawn and with thoughts of suicide. Think of the others you come in contact with. If you have kids they need you in one piece. Some of you can handle this and others cant.
I wish all of you the best of luck including anyone with BP who may stumble across these pages. If you are a BP person concider for once the other person and the damage you creat by not seeking the help you need. Just try to treat the people you get involved with the way you yourself would want to be treated. I will still be reading your postings from time to time but now I have to takecare of myself. I have been left a wreck by the person I tryed to be with. DONT LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU. Some do not want your help. They enjoy it too much to care about you..
Hi there,
You are so right my friend, I have been going through this shit for going on 6 yrs and its always the same, i saw my gp yesterday and now for the first time i’m on anti dep, at least they give me sleep at night.
Its been over a month since her last episode and i still haven’t heard from her, the odd attempt at a txt but all she can do is write the first letter of my name! then there’s the ph calls that just hang up when i pick ph up.
She has made me into a nervous wreck.
I’m still licking my wounds
Cheers & good luck everyone, cause we all need it!!!
Wayne
Robert, I wish you happiness and peace now and in the future. Please give your perspective from time to time. I have gotten a lot of information and help from reading your posts.
Thank you for being you!
Well got a have hearted ‘don’t meAn to b an ass but, this is bad for my daughter…’ I didn’t react and then chngd the subject and said drive safe. Any additional input from my buddies here is welcomed.
i gotta say i think they always beleive it is over and as soon as we say ok whatever they are running straight back up our arses again. with every relationship i ever had this happened. and yes its true, we are not responsible for another adult, yet somehow we need one – i have bee reading the karpman drama triangle all day – how true all this is,
Here is a bit of it:-
I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
The three roles on the victim triangle are Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of victim. No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up, therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood. If we’re on the triangle we’re living as victims, plain and simple!
and this is on – http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
but i have found it very helpful to me. and i think everything is worth at least having a little look at.
M xxx
good for you trusturgut, you didnt react, – i really reckon they just hate it, the fact that we dont play that drama game anymore. M xxx
Honestly, I can say that when I see my wife acting like the victim and trying to bait me into an argument I almost laugh. I used to be drawn into these arguments all the time. Really what it boiled down to was rage inside my wife that was looking for an escape, and me asking if everything was alright was the bridge across the moat to let that fury out. Now I let her sulk until she comes to me. The way I see it, she is an adult, she shouldn’t need me to read her feelings, which I became very good at by the way.
Now she will come to me with how she feels and I will either A) accept her reality and apologize if I need to or comfort her etc… or B) reject her reality and not allow myself or someone else to be blamed, and still comfort her.
Last night I could tell she was fuming, and years ago I would have asked, “Is everything OK?” and gotten my head bit off. She was grumpy all night and yelled at our 1 year old for biting her. Granted, biting is not acceptable, but he is 14 months old, so yelling is a bit extreme. I comforted him and told her I thought she was being a bit extreme. She fumed inside and gave me the baby to put to bed to “punish” me. She usually puts him to bed because she breast feeds and he usually needs that to settle down. Well, I put him to bed no problem.
It was awesome. I think he finds me more relaxing, just like his older brother. I didn’t talk to her that night at all since she just went to bed. This morning, she came to me to let me know using stem sentences, 
, that she feels I undermine her when I comfort the baby, and that he is losing his bond with her which is why he went to bed for me. 
(She was really angry that she was in essence replaced by me as mother for the night). I said I understood what she was saying, but yelling at a 1 year old to me is unacceptable. I said that if she loses her bond with her child it will be because of her and not me. That she yelled at our oldest and still does and he prefers me and constantly reminds me and her of that. She then says she wants to go on antidepressents and needs them but is afraid for the baby since she still breast feeds. We had a chat about how depression is usually for long periods of time, not short time periods like she experiences. Anyway, I had another opportunity to get through to her and we chatted quite a bit about borderline and BP. I see it as another victory. Can’t wait for her to stop breast feeding, as she seems to be more accepting that something is wrong with her.
Just remember to stick to your reality and try not to get baited into an argument. My therapist has given me so many useful tips. Many on here know of the baits I am talking about. I am sure many know when their loved one is about to lose it on them.
Trusturgut,
I try to make it fun. I can see amusement in anything. I try to laugh about it as much as I can. You need to almost to keep from losing your mind and keep it light. I agree with Michelle, good for you. Just remember to let her know when you are ready that what she did was not right. Remember to stand up for yourself. I find doing this when they are in a less stressed and less angry mood is best. For instance, right then I am sure she was stressed since she was late, so probably not the best time to address it.
Michelle,
The drama triangle only affects us if we allow ourselves to be drawn into it. Otherwise they are trying to place you into a role within that triangle based on their assumptions of what reality is based on percieved actions or inactions by someone or something. Who cares right. Just remember to stay in your reality and not get drawn into theirs.
I used to think do I really know better than someone else, my wife in particular, that my reality is to be trusted more than theirs. In these circumstances YES.
Plus, is it so bad to trust your reality.
When you don’t play the drama game that they are used to, it definately throws them off. They get very confused. Picture a child coming to terms with the fact that they have to go to bed early. At first they fight it and argue and try to make it not happen, then they try pleading with you and try pursuasionn, then they might get angry and then they finally accept it. Actually the more I think about it, it is like the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining Depression, and Acceptance. They might go through them very quickly. Also, they might stop at depression and go back to anger or denial. In a way they are grieving their loss of their reality.
Guys I need help.
I just got a series of abusive emails from my son. As I have said, I haven’t had a conversation with him for a long time. We are like ships passing in the night.
What should I do? I was expecting something because he has been going through all the signs of a blowup. The difference is this time it is in emails, so far.
The thing is this doesn’t affect me personally at all. But I need to know if there is a *better* way to respond.
My first thought was to reply to them all saying, “Whatever!”
Then I wondered if I should just ignore them.
Any thought from you wise guys?
If you will see him at home I would address it there. Just remember to use stem sentences, be firm with what your boundaries are and keep it simple and short and don’t get drawn into an argument about how much you suck, because they will always win. Good luck. Remember, you deserve better, even if you think it doesn’t affect you.
Thanks Panda! I think I have just about decided that it doesn’t deserve a response.
Well today ended only slightly better than it started she’s been bleary eyed and tired all day. Probably going to crash out early tonight. I get the impression that now that Im back she feels safe enough to resume some of her old bad sleeping patterns. Unfortunately they back fire on her everytime.
Panda,
I know you said to wait until things are good to address the way she spoke to me this
morning. As Soon as you said that I remembered and learned something about myself. I usually want to enjoy the time when things are good and if I felt so inclined Im too chicken
Did I ever mention that my bp is also an attorney heehee. I laugh but I am not kidding you all think they never lose an argument when they are spinning out about something add in attorney into the mix. I’ve been down that road. It zaps my energy just thinking about it.
Panda,
the other thing you mentioned was bringing humor into a situation. GrAtefully that is something that she and I share is our love of laughter. So yes I do weave this in whenever possible. It’s almost vital at times.
As I mentioned she’s been so tired today that she was practically slurring her words. Today was more like walking on broken glass rather than eggshells. One false move and she definitely could have launched on me.
I forgot what an energy zapped this can be. Waiting for a better tomorrow.
Well I said I was praying for a better tomorrow…today is not going to be the day. I was f’n disgusted and shocked w/ what happened this morn. I woke her up she got right up as she fell asleep last night @ 830. I’m getting everything ready for school and I hear nothing but laughter & giggles coming from the other room. Cool. The next thing I know she is losing her frigging mind when she looked at the clock and realized she’s going to miss the bus again. She locks herself in the bathroom and is screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. The two main themes were she was fine before I got back and she’s pissed at herself because she doesn’t understand what happened. Her daughter was terrified and I was shaking. Ultimately she told me to take her to school. No problem I wanted to split for a while anyway. We had a nice calm drive to school and even got there early. I’m home now and she’s sleeping. I’m at a loss as to how to keep myself INTERNALLY calm during these tirades.
Trusturgut,
I really don’t have advice for keeping yourself calm during an episode. For me I think it started getting easier when I stopped blaming myself and saw the situation for what it was, her being out of control. I wouldn’t say it is easy though sometimes when the one you love is attacking you, but I would say I have developed a sort of mentality where I kind of tune it out and walk away. I found it hurt more when I took responsibility and gave weight to the insults or guilt she would throw at me, now I take them with a grain of salt.
The humor I mentioned was for me.
not my wife. I NEED the humor to keep me sane. Sometimes I will crack a joke about her moods. I wouldn’t recommend this, but she will sometimes laugh.
Being a lawyer makes arguments beyond unwinnable.
Keep it short simple and factual.
It is very important to realize that when things are good not to just be grateful. You have to be on guard at all times. This has to be fought at all times. What I mean by that is that when times are bad you stick to your guns and insist on your reality of the situation, when times are good you take the opportunity to talk about what they did to upset you. I know what you mean about just enjoying the good times and let sleeping dogs lay. First, you have to prepare yourself that you might lose her by bringing it up. You have to put yourself first. Once you do that, you will want to talk about it despite the reaction. Then when and if you get the reaction, episode, you can state facts and walk away. Knowing you are right. That doesn’t mean they won’t leave you, it does mean you just enforced a boundary and stopped walking on eggshells or glass in your case. You may not mentally be ready to that yet, but once you are there, beleive me, it is really the only chance you have of being happy. Do you want to live your life in constant fear? You will end up with PTSD. Standing up for yourself is very scary even when you are ready, because you can almost guarentee they will go back into a tirade, but can you afford not to? Can you live your life getting abused. Move toward the direction where you enforce your boundaries and are confident in doing so, despite the reaction you might get. This could take a long time.
Beleive me, I used to be just like you. When times were good I soaked it up and enjoyed it. Forgetting the abuse I took I would be happy that she was “normal” again. For me I realized I couldn’t do this anymore, probably about a year or so ago. I was starting to feel anger towards her more and more. Maybe it is a natural progression for people to no longer care and then and only then is it easy to stand up for yourself. I am not sure. I will say that letting them walk on you doesn’t help you or them. Trusturgut, I would say you are a strong person and can handle an awful lot like me. But at what point will you have had enough? When I started putting myself first I started caring less what my wife thought of me when she would go off or blame things on me. Then I could insist on my reality and enoforce my boundaries. The confidence comes later when hopefully you start seeing results.
Don’t be discouraged as it took me 15 years to get to where I am now.
14 years of living life being grateful for the good times and scared of when the bad times would happen. Not even quite a year of being able to stand up for myself without fear of losing her. The only difference is I started loving myself more than her. I was only taught, socially/indirectly and through marriage books that you put the other first and they will put you first. 
Do not do this is these types of relationships. You will put them first and they will put them first. 
Panda
Today please know that you are appreciated. I will take your words to heart. Thank goodness she can too can laugh at herself. ‘Just another Manic Monday’ has now become her trade mark song. And she even told her pdoc once that she’s too ‘cheap’ for this disease. we both laughed at that one. Who knew that being raised to be considerate would ever put someone at a disadvantage. It’s bizarre to me. You hit the nail on the head when you said put yourself first. I’ve learned that most times it only takes a minute to do something for someone but in these relationship it just Never ends until of course they decide to shut you out of their lives again. I’m enjoying my solitude for the moment. They’ll be home in an hour.
Trusturgut,
It isn’t a disadvantage to be raised considerate. I am sure it has helped you in your other relationships. You just have to change the dynamics a bit for this relationship. It is my hope that over time my wife will improve to the point where I don’t have to keep her at an emotional distance to enforce my boundaries. Things are already 100x better than they were.
Good luck tonight. One day at a time.
A nap is a wonderful thing. She broke her toe today. Crashed out for a few hours and woke up like human being again.
This is more of a question than a posting. Has anyone ever had family and/or friends completely back out of their lives as a result of something that their bp partner did? Or from your choice to stay? I used to have a very strong, long standing support system that spanded over 20 years. As a direct result of several very scary things my partner did at the height of her mania mixed w/ full blown PTSD I basically got a lot of ultimatums or as the word got out ppl just stopped making contact all together. On top of everything I must say that the pain and lonliness this has brought me is crushing at times. When I tell you this group and I were very tight. I think what gets me the most is all that we had all been through together. Births, deaths, affairs, divorces, addictions, emotional & physical abuse the list is full in depth and breadth. Guess what most of what I just mentioned btw was not me rather I was the hands on supportive party. But now Im banished I can’t lie it makes me very sad
Panda,
In my heart I know you are right in everything you say. Yet, knowing something and being able to do it is very difficult indeed. We did have the blowup after the emails. It took all my reserves to walk away but I did. Staying there and taking the abuse just reinforces that they are right. As Trustugut says ‘so called’ normal, considerate, compassionate people want to respond to others when they are hurting. It is especially hard not to when it is someone you love.
Trusturgut, when this happened to me the people who called and have become my support are the people who were distant from me, though friends, before. I have discovered a whole new group. My family was not so supportive, although one niece who was never close has been writing emails. But great as it is, it is probably not personal. She belongs to a religious groups that converts people.
Most people do not know how to react around angry people. Are you sure you are banished? I am willing to bet if you say you need support they would give it. In the case of my family I am sure it is because they don’t know what to say or how to act.
Audre,
I know it is VERY hard not to react in kind when you are being assaulted in any form. I’m not sure how it works for all. But I Know in my case, when she blows she rarely even remembers most of what she says and even less of what I have said. It’s a blind/black out sort of rage. Also I on the occasion that things are remembered they are always twisted and/or taken out of context. Then Im put even more on the defense only finding myself saying ‘that’s not what I said or meant’
I mentioned year that she broke toe. Last night she said to me you are the calmest person I think Ive ever know. If she only knew. I’ve told her before that Im really calm around her. She still doesn’t get why and I guess that’s ok. Most times things are so high drama that again if I wig out it only escalates the situation.
Trusturgut,
Yes, you are right! Talking to you and Panda and Michelle helps to put things in perspective. It is a blind/black rage and I wonder if they can get control over it. I feel so much compassion and I am unable to understand how they cannot feel compassion at all. That is the selfish part. There is no doubt it is selfish but can they help it? At least here, the anger seems to be over such trivial things.
I have been told that they do remember it, but feel guilt over it and don’t want to face it. They will remember the mean things they say and do, but may mentally block them out or repress them because the guilt over those actions hurts them. The white blinding rage is an accurate statement on the anger they sometimes express. Like I said before, sometimes when my wife has these rages, I think if she had a gun she would shoot me right there.
Audre, like I tell people, take it slow. Don’t expect to change everything, but work towards that goal. Sometimes it takes a while to do something even when you fully understand why you should do it. Sometimes you do it wrong even when you know what you should do. No one is perfect and you ca’t expect to be.
Last night I was relaxing playing a video game after we put the kids to bed. I love video games and find they relax me. My wife comes downstairs after putting our youngest to bed and does the dishes and then yells at me for doing nothing around the house. I told her I was relaxing. She said that nothing gets done, and I said, that is not true, I do a lot around the house and pointed out some examples of the laundry I folded that morning and the dishes I did the night before and that morning. She then tries guilting me by saying that she had to do the dishes otherwise no one would do them. I just said that I never asked you to do the dishes, and if you wanted me to do them, you could have asked. She then started to try to turn the argument on its side to try to “win”, but I simply said you worry about you and I will worry about me.
That really pissed her off, as you get a sense for these things, but she left me alone and I no longer had to listen to the assault. This morning, she was acting cold (wouldn’t give me a kiss goodbye) and came out and said that she felt like she was second to the video games. I said that isn’t true and that if she wants to spend time with me she can ask. She still seemed angry, but is still probably processing. I plan on talking about last nights events tonight with her.
So to sum up what transpired, I think she felt lonely, doesn’t know how to ask for time when she feels lonely, and so gets angry and tries to guilt me/abuse me with the dish incident to rid herself of the anger. What she felt inside was probably abandonment, and even though she could have asked for time, she doesn’t probably due to feeling vulnerable. I have always felt that she hates to put herself on the line for fear of getting hurt. I stated my reality, kept it somewhat simple, stayed on topic and when she tried moving in another direction to “win”, I stated for her to worry about her. I love that line. I am not saying how I handled it was ideal, but it worked. I enforced my boundaries and reiterated my responsibilities and her responsibilities. She is responsible for herself and I am responsible for me.
Kids do some of the same things. For instance, you will see a kid purposely “accidentally” bump into another kid to take out their frustrations. My wife did the same thing, but a little more complicated, she did the dishes and tried using it against me.
Remember what you are responsible for. I am not responsible for her and her needs. I will try and meet those needs when I am made aware of them if they are within reason, but I can’t be expected to know that she wanted to spend time with me. That is her responsibility to voice that to me. Right then I was relaxing playing video games. I slept good last night. Before I used to worry about if she was angry at me or whatever. You will drive yourself crazy doing that. Now I know I did what I could.
They feel compassion sometimes, but during these episodes, they are only concerned about self preservation. They are using the oldest part of the human brain that is only concerned with survival. They are not at all thinking logically. They are not using the frontal lobe. They have done scans of the human brain (normal) and one with BP and they have found very little activity in the frontal lobe of the person with BP during an episode. The frontal lobe is where logic and reason reside. For instance, when you are angry at someone you love, you will have part of your brain telling you to fight or flight, but the front part telling you, well, you love them and maybe they are acting out of ____ or maybe they didn’t mean it or maybe it was unintentional. Someone with BP or borderline, reason is in the backseat and the fight or flight is behind the wheel.
Hi everyone.
So my boyfriend has changed into a completely different person. He told me that our relationship has meant nothing to him, and he doesn’t love me anymore. I left, at first feeling nothing. It’s like I became immune to these words after hearing them so much. It’s been 9 months since something like this has happened, and I didn’t even notice anything. Now that I look back, I see all the signs. I came to our mutal friends house to stay the night and they told me that he had been drinking cough syrup, along with that he had beer, xanax, and hydrocodone. I don’t even know who he is right now, my boyfriend would never do that. He is not himself, and it feels like he will never come back. He had been doing very well with everything, he was learning to handle his moods, not drinking heavily, or anything. He was easy to talk to and understanding. Now he is mean, and cold. It’s like he left off where he was 9 months ago, and forgot about all the good times in between there. As I am beginning to realize that this time his mood is extremely severe, I am crushed. I know he won’t be back to the person I know and love for awhile.
I want to give up so badly. I am so angry at him for damaging his body in that way, and then lying to me about it. I want to hate him, but I know I never will. Is it really better to be loved half the time?
hmmm panda again you are so right – it is most definately about boundaries – i find it sooo hard, it seeems like a knack to me, and i wish i had it. however slowly but surely i am doing it, like i said maybe i am too impatient and expect results immediately, maybe i am doing it all wrong, but i will never give up.
Oh brie it is never better to be loved half the time, this is what we are striving for, someone to love us totally and conpletely. we are doing ourselves no favours at all being the rescuers we are, and they are secretly looking for someone strong with firm boundaries, and god knows they will test and test us until they know we are not flimsy. god help me, one of these days i am just gonna be so strong, well i have hope for us all, we all help each other along. thank god. M xxx
It just helps so much to read what all of you are writing. I am writing this through my tears. Actually, I am breaking my heart crying because I can’t help my child. I would do anything to release him from this misery he is suffering. One thing I will say is that he is changing. He got out of his anger day before yesterday very quickly. it was just as intense but didn’t last so long. He didn’t cry when it was over. Then yesterday he went into anger again for a minute and then cried. Before he always had heart wrenching crying spell after the anger and then it was over for a month. During the anger, day before yesterday, he went downstairs to the basement, which is developed, and slept there for the past two nights. That has not happened before, although he has brought his mattress to the family room and slept when he was depressed. So there is a different pattern. He just told someone not to call him for lunch any more…. before when I didn’t call him for lunch he asked to be called, even if he was sleeping. Sometimes he came and sometimes he didn’t but he wanted to be called.
Until reading your stories I always thought that if I just did the right think I would be able to get him to realize that I love him and he doesn’t have to be angry to talk to me. I don’t care what he thinks of me or calls me if we can do it reasonably. That’s my unrealizable dream… to be able to talk to my baby like we used to talk years ago.
Thanks to you my new friends for helping me to understand the nature of this affliction.
Audre,
I feel your pain and have definitely witnessed his countless times. It’s sort of like watching an animal suffering. For as long now as we’ve all been conversing I can’t recall if you mentions has your son been formally diagnosed? I believe he was in the medical profession. What else his background, did he establish his own family at some point? I’m curious for a reason.
Trusturgut, as far as I know he hasn’t had a formal diagnosis. He says himself that he is bipolar. I have been reading a lot and some of his symptoms don’t resemble bipolar, while others do. For instance, he is never manic. He doesn’t have much faith in drugs and, from what I have been reading online, people on drugs still go through the cycles. I have yet to be convinced of the benefits but I can be convinced if someone can give me a better picture of drugs and no drugs.
He doesn’t have a family. He started having problems when a woman he loved (his true love… his words) left him. But maybe she left him because of his problems. I don’t know, except what he has told me. He left his work one day when he was particularly stressed and can’t seem to get it together enough to go back.
Sometimes I think being home stresses him more. Then he’ll say that he should have come home long before to face the demons.
Is that what you wanted to know? I can answer any questions.
Brie,
Half the time is not ideal. I think everyone on here has hope to some degree or is looking for hope that things will get better. It sounds like your partner is self medicating, has he done this before? I sometimes wish I knew what they were thinking, but I also think it might be scary if I did know.
Michelle,
For me, the boundaries at first seemed so foreign, as 1) before my wife I never really needed them and 2) what boundaries I did have were slowly eroded away by the dysfunctional relationship. It was like a light bulb going on in my head that I finally understood them and how they tied in with my sanity and how important they were in situations like these relationships. With time and practice you will get it just like I did.
Audre,
Althouh you can’t directly help your son, because it is only he that can help himself, you can still help you, which will indirectly help your son. As my therapist would say, be the jersey barriers to keep them on course. By you living in “reality” and by that I mean enforcing your boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior and insisting on reality as you see it and not allowing his “warped” sense of reality to change your viewpoint, you will slowly guide your son down the road and help keep him on track. If you allow him to abuse you without saying anything, then you just reinforced that behavior and gave more credence to his “reality”.
Hi Audre,
Yes that is what I was asking. I was just having this conversation w/ my bp last night in fact re: her brother. She’s recently finding out that most everyone in her family has some form of this. Her brother primarily battles depression. The extreme aggitation, anger and rages can show up in both manic phases and during times of depression. It can be confusing. Your son is so unhappy and going through such internal torment why not consult w/ a doctor and see if he might get some relief. And you are correct they do still have episodes even on meds and yes it takes some time to find the right formula but it also might give him his life back. Also I have read that omega 3′s and B12′s are very beneficial for those managing this.
I was asking about his relationship status because sometimes children can be a good motivator for getting help as Im sure you can attest. Although it sounds like the stress and heartbreak of losing the girlfriend was a definite trigger that sent him over the edge.
Trusturgut,
My son did see a psychiatrist and was put on a med which knocked him out and made him feel so bad he stopped taking them after a couple of days. He wouldn’t go back and I have no influence over him. The mental health people won’t even talk to me. Actually that was one thing he wanted in the beginning… them to talk to me. He said, “They take my word for what I am like when they should be talking to you.” At that time he was asking for help. I think he lost faith after that. I guess he thinks he knows what should be done and they didn’t do it that way. Now he doesn’t talk about help at all. I bought vitamin B12 but he doesn’t take it. For some reason, I have never felt so discouraged as I do tonight. I used to email him regularly. But since the abusive emails I don’t know if I should do that. How do you guys stand it when there are small children involved? I wish there is a heaven so that you will get a just reward.
http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/program22.php
Here is kim and steve cooper on global talk radio – the power of love. dealing with abuse. i love them. M xxx
Oh Audre,
I know the sensation of discouragement. As Panda has mentioned it’s particularly in those times when your self care is most vital. And to maintain focus on your reality. Remember that scans have shown that there is a deficit in frontal lobe activity. What makes sense to us they process quite differently.
I’ll never forget during one particular episode. And it was a doozy! She was spinning around the house so hard screaming and looking for papers for a particular case that I swear she went airborne. I, of course at the time, was right along side her trying to be dutiful and HELPFUL when she looked at me and said ‘if you go there with me you are no good to me’ talk about the patients running the asylum. Haha she was being scary as hell in that moment but she wasn’t wrong in what she said. That was my first clue that staying Very calm and bringing in humor when possible was best.
trusturgut, omg that story made me laugh cos sometimes they give us clues as to what we do wrong too, it is soo strange, i remember walking aong the river to go fishing with my bf but i was carrying 4 cans for him and yet i had said numerous times that i wanted him to stop drinking, i hadnt had a drink that day so i could drive him even tho i wanted one, anyway i said something about helping him stop drinking and he said well how, by carrying them around for me?? i was like, wel am just trying to help – oh classic enabling!!! i wanted to break the legs of the people who supplied him with drugs yet never once said if it doesnt stop i will walk away for good. i really think i have just walked off that karpman triangle and panda i am so glad you mentioned it, i’ve read all about it, and watched loads on youtube. very helpful. also and this is weird too or maybe just human, i just feel glad that it wasnt just me he was horrible to and that others get it too, i don know if thats bad or not, cos of course no ne should be horrible to another. But when they give us these little clues, its like they really do know what they are doing, they will test our boundaries constantly, and if we are wishy washy with them it frustrates them, we do them or us no favours by not being strong. omg this is hard!! xxxx
Trusturgut,
From your description, I can see her in my mind’s eye. They are all the same it seems. Michelle, you are so right we seldom see our own actions, while we can see clearly the actions of the others. WE find it hard to see ourselves. Maybe they have an even harder time than we do to see themselves.
Today my son is back in his room. He is not talking much but I look at him and think how easy it is for me to see the good and hope for a normal life for him. For him, the mountain is too big to climb.
Ever the dreamer and optimist, I prefer to think he is trying. Only time will tell.
It is hard!
Trusturgut,
You said a few posts back that you were shaking – that means you went into shock and this may be your emotional pattern – I also often react that way myself and I’m learning to deal with it by realizing that I’m going into shock. We go into shock when we doubt our resources, we’re afraid that we can’t cope and don’t have the resources or knowledge. Doctors don’t go into shock when they see patients behave in extreme ways and that has to do with the fact that he know they do have the resources and the knowledge to handle the situation.
Someone mentioned humour,
Its very hard to maintain a sense of humour but it has to do with not engaging with or being drawn into the problem. You don’t have to be drawn into taking things so seriously. I’m not suggesting that you deliberately try to wind anyone up or laugh at them out loud but where bp are concerned they often wind themselves up and you are suddenly in the midst of it and thrown off guard. It helps to remember that you don’t have to buy into other people’s seriousness – we probably all knew this instinctively when we were kids.
As for whether or not the know what they are doing –
If someone is able to modify their behaviour when someone else walks into the room then they are aware of a significant part of what they are doing. Likewise anyone who can tell a lie must be capable of differentiation between lies and truth and so knows what truth is. I think to a large extent they do know what they are doing but have blurred boundaries between themselves and others and so perhaps don’t fully realise they are doing it to someone else.
Zuki
I disagree with that assumption, my girl for instance just has come down from an episode and she is always remorseful, sometimes i won’t hear from her for 3 or 4 months. Then she will come to my door crying and asking for comfort and forgiveness.
But i digress, during the last episode she turned up at my home, saying all crazy nasty things that i’ve supposed to have done, then, just about at the end of her episode, say 3 weeks later, she comes over with fresh fish & chips, then says they set me up, meaning her imaginary advisor’s, its happened before, in that particular one she thought she was working with the police, trying to catch a murderer, she even gained access to the crime scene and found the bloodied glove of the killer, when in fact it was just the police forensic teams glove! It was solved about a year later, one of the woman’s sons murdered her. But in her mind she was working for the police and i was a good guy for a while in that one.
t this point in time there has been no contact from her, only one phone call where she hung up before anyone could say anything and one txted message in which she could only get the first letter of my name and that’s all that i got, just W that’s it nothing else….. it really frustrates me but i should be used to it by now, it’s going on 6 years!!
Your friend Wayne
oh my god wayne, its awful. they must just have fantasies where we are either the goodies or the baddies, am i on the right track? is that what happens? i’m soo sick of being perceived as the baddie. sounds like we all are, is there a cure to all this other than drugs, is it that there emotions just need venting, is that what all this is down to repressed emotions, i do beleive it is, am still trying to let mine out, this recovery thing sure takes forever when you dont even know if your on the right track or not. my theory is that the one with the personality disorder or the worse PD finds the one who has one to but not as bad, and the reason being is that no one who was totally healthy would put up with it, they’d walk, so therfore we need each other, and the stronger one needs to become really strong on their own with all these hints and clues that the other has given them, they come to realise their wrongs, yet the other needs to learn not to overstep boundaries and needs reparenting basically, and we are the ones to do it, but because we have our own problems to solve first it takes so long, that is why it is always said in every single thing i have read that we need to look after our own issues first, clean out out own backyard before trying to clean out someone elses was the saying i think i read. i think i am on the right road and have been for about a year now but how many more miles is it??? its like the yellow brick road, i just want for us all to see the end. Mxxxxx
Hi Michelle
yes i believe you’re almost dead on. but when they say we should have our own backyard in order i think that’s from all fields, be it mental, caring for an elderly family member and so forth.
But i’m going off the track, it’s just so mind boggling, so frustrating that they don’t see or care how we are,
My girl is so gentle, kind, gorgeous & so super intelligent that she has worked with polititions for years, right at the top almost, like one of the advisers for the PM of Australia no less. Yet in an episode, she hates me with a passion!
She gets that look in her eyes that says “don’t F%#@k with me, don’t even speak to me” So, naturally i try to be calm, speak quietly, choose my words carefully and still she is “in the Zone” last time i was accused of molesting children, when i have two of my own, then it’s i took $1100 out of her bank account, then i was the biggest drug dear in town.
It’s incredible, i could tell you so many story’s bout her adventures in her episodes, But it’s so difficult to read their thought’s, while at the same time, thinking, this is so killing me inside, how come she doesn’t care or understand that she has made me feel like shit.
Then when she finally comes out of the episode she just withdraws from everyone, won’t take calls, won’t answer, txt msgs, it’s heartbreaking, yet she will speak to neighbour’s to let them no she’s feeling ok now.
I usually hear from her in say 3 to 4 months, the longest was 8 months!!!
When we Finally get back together, she will explain that this is BPolar and if i ask questions she will gladly answer every one i ask.
So it’s not that they don’t know what they are doing, in their mind i’t's ok, the right thing, they honestly believe what their doing is normal, so in real time they don’t realize they are acting out of the norm, it’s pretty incredible but you love them more & more! When sane, she’s the greatest woman on the planet.
It’s really nice to share stuff at this forum, i only found it a month or so ago.
love and hope to you Michelle
Wayne xx
one more thing, its like being locked in a power struggle. i hadnt seen my bf for 6 weeks or heard a thing from him then all of a sudden i did, we were in contact for say 5 days before he called me evil again, said he would ring to explain what he meant but havent heard, now when we were first together i would text and ring and beg to hear from him etc, you’ll all know what i mean probably, then i changed and decided not to be drawn into this madness, but how long can the stalemate go on for, do i get in touch and say am not happy with this, do i ignore it and not see or hear anything for another few month, do i wait, do i find someone else and get on with my life, or wait till he contacts me and lay my boundaries down again, saying i refuse to be ignored yet always come round again when he is back in contact?? omg so sorry guys it drives me crazy and i just dont know how to deal with it. M xxx
Oh and Michelle
Yes we should move on, but something inside you tells you no, try again, they are such intelligent, funny people, i find them amazing. We allow yourselves to be broken down, to the stage where we start to think, maybe i am a bastard, maybe i don’t deserve this person, they have that ability to have so much power over you, once again what ya gunna do?? if you go through the breakup thing, it’s hopeless, cos she has taken all your self confidence.
The there’s the, lack of sleep worrying, they seem to have the power to totally cut your self worth down & laugh at the same time. But i love her, and we will probably start yet again. see ya Michelle Luv Wayne xx once again!!
http://www.harvillehendrix.com/watch.html
This man is tops!!
take a sneak peek. i have just ordered all his books from the library, i’m off on one again.
apparently we are in relationships together to heal each others childhood wounds, we can only do that if we are prepared to listen to the clues. i read somewhere months ago tht abuse was actually the thing that could save us. ironically M xxx
I guess I am the odd one out here because it is not my significant other; it is my child.
People are always putting mental illness down to abuse in childhood. I was sexually abused by a teacher but I dealt with it by feeling remorse for the abuser and resolving never to let anyone abuse me again. I knew instinctively that if I sank into despair the abuser would get the last laugh. I guess you could say my successful life has been shaped by the abuse.
My child, on the other hand, sees abuse as being told to leave his father’s office because he is with a patient, a teacher talking back to another child, being asked to practice music, my going away to work for 6 weeks and leaving him with his grandmother. He has never been able to cite anything more than ordinary day to day events that everyone looks back on as life experiences. I have asked him repeatedly but that is all he has come up with. He never shows remorse for calling me evil and worse. Yet he shows remorse for pranks (pulling on the hair of the girl in front of him) against other children in school.
Michelle, I think I may have mentioned that I helped (he says) another person through a similar mental illness. He traveled the world looking for a guru to help him change his wretched life. I told him, “No guru will ever change you; you have got to change you.” Fortunately, he was ready for change and I put myself at his beck and call 24 hours a day until he understood what was going on in his life. His home was covered with dark foreboding pictures and he had a shrine in the corner of the living room. He never really saw the light of day. He went to work in the dark and came home in the dark. At times he thought such things as the ceiling was coming down to down to crush him.
I was talking to him this morning and he told me he still gets instances where his mind and eyes play tricks on him but, as he now knows it is tricks, he can lie quietly and absorb the feelings as something good rather than bad.
What I understand from this is a person has to be ready for help before they can receive it. My son is not ready. He says he wants help but he can’t let got of his “rightness” or, if you will, “selfishness”.
For me, part of the problem is the way society teaches good and evil. We are taught some people are evil. We are taught to see black and white when, in reality, everything is shades of gray. We make severe judgments about trivial things like the clothes people wear. No wonder people who believe they are different fight back by abusing others.
Another thing I have come to believe is a parent can’t help a child but a partner can help a partner if the partner is ready.
Audre, sorry you may have mentioned it but i must have missed that you helped someone. firstly can i ask how old your son is? did the person you helped ever turn against you at any point – were you ever the enemy in his eyes? about the child abuse and mental illness, i have a friend who was sexually abused as a child, and although she drinks and smokes, she has never suffered from mental illness that would be noticeable in any way. yet i still think that most mental illness stem from some kind of abuse in childhood, there are a lot of types of abuse, mine was more emotional i’d like to add. and as alice miller says in her books and there are a few some things would never be thought of as abuse, for instance to say to a crying child stop it or i’ll really give you something to cry about is emotional abuse, and the child pushes there emotions deep inside and finds it hard to express emotions, she gives many examples in her books and i had a few aha moments while reading them. life is a choice for us and by refusing to let anyone abuse us again we are on the right road, i have to say that i never realised i had been emotionally abused as badly as i realise now until i was 36 so i just went through life thinking all this abuse was normal and wasnt going to get better. how strange. we are all here for each other audre no matter who we are dealing with, son mum dad brother sig other sister etc. M xxxxx
i did text him and got one back saying just leave me alone, yet i am learning to ride the waves so much easier as they come now, even though it still hurts like hell, i dont feel like crawling into bed and never waking up because of this feeling. but i have had all this with each of my partners, they just act like they dont care, and i had always ran up there backsides begging them not to leave me etc. now when i look back to when i was 16 17 18 maybe, i can recall doing the same thing with my bf’s, the more i told them i didnt want them the more satisfaction i got out of hearing them saying that THEY were sorry and wanted me back, and that is manipulation for our own ends, albeit unconciously, i had no idea what i was doing or even had a thought that other people could feel hurt until it started happening to me. its all mind games, with no empathy and a deep seated need to feel loved, that is what people will do. when i left my childrens dad, he begged for months for me to return and after this good behaviour i had seen for so long, i decided to move back in with him and told him so, while getting ready to do this, one night on the phone he told me it was a mistake and that it wasnt what he wanted, i was understandable upset, but now i can see right through it, me saying i’d go back and that i cared wasnt enough, he wanted to punish me, to turn the tables and for me to beg him to take me back, which i think i did at that particular time until i learnt! then i was back on that karpman drama triangle again, and its taken me years to finally realise i need to get off, i think i am off for now, its staying off it that’ll be hard, i am easily led into drama. does anyone know what i am talking about? M xxxx
http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago-dialogue-101
just tips on communication.
M xx
Michelle, I still think too much is made of emotional abuse. I am not saying EB is not wrong. I am saying that every single person on the face of the earth experiences it. So, it is normal. There is even a school of thought that says it is better to be shouted at than be ignored. People will grab a theory and run with it and if it fits what we want to hear we will grab onto it and feel good. In my view we can hotch along on that way of being but it doesn’t cure us of our anxieties.
There is also a school of thought that saw some people are comfortable with the way they are and do not want to change. They like the constant chaos. If we like that theory we will hang with it.
Personally, I can’t see how anyone can like being in a constant state of flux. But that is just me. I don’t know what anyone else is feeling.
What I have found is people love the ones who don’t love them. So, if you give the impression that you don’t care they will love you more. I think that is what you experienced. It seems like they want what they can’t have. They don’t respect those who love them unconditionally. Perhaps it is because they don’t feel worthy.
its really good to hear other peoples point of view and i have to agree with you to a certain extent, Emotional abuse is everywhere we look, teachers, peers, siblings, parents etc but it is the extent of it, sometimes we can be being cruel without realising, personally i agree that shouting is better than being ignored even though it is also abusive but that is because my mother used to ignore me when i tried to speak to her if i had upset her, and for a child to be ignored feels so terrible, and now i even get ignored it brings it all back. i got hummed at too, as if i was nothing. ha that bit made me laugh too – i try to cling onto any theory that fits and then i will dismiss it when i find a better one. i agree tht some people are comfortable with the way they are and dont want to change, i used to be pretty much like that, the more chaos the better i functioned, i think for that kind of person change can be a very very scary prospect. as for not feeling worthy, i can relate to that too, i have always had the low self esteem thing, the thoughts of why would any one want to love me any way, but thats all changing too now, i am so much stronger than this time last year, i am very grateful for everyones input. M xxx
I also found this very interesting here is a snippet from
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200902/seven-questions-harville-hendrix
So what is this Imago stuff, and why is it so popular? The complete theory is a multifaceted model explaining attraction, conflict and healing within intimate relationships. Imago is Latin for image, as in the composite image of early childhood caregivers. According to Hendrix, it is “the image of the person who can make me whole again.” We find partners who help us complete the unfinished business of childhood. Our adult relationships and struggles feel familiar because they remind us of our primary caretakers. These relationships present us with the opportunity to heal past wounds and find deep relational fulfillment. But it’s an opportunity, not a guarantee. Hendrix writes:
Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.
So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don’t understand what’s going on, we’re shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction. (from Imago website)
Michelle, I love reading your posts. You certainly have done a lot of research. The sad thing about all the theories out there is they give false hope over and over again. It is like we believe that someone is going to wave a magic wand and it will all disappear. But I think that is part of the trouble in the first place… we always want something that is not possible to have because it doesn’t exist.
When I was a child I used to look at families and think they were perfect; I would inevitable discover the secrets within because of my job. Because my father died when I was 10, I felt abandoned by both my mother and father. My friend’s perfect family was something for which I longed. Then her mother committed suicide and I began to change my views on happy families.
I tried to give my children the family I wished I had. And you can see how far that has gotten me. lol
It is an unfathomable world. Perhaps I am reasonably happy because I don’t expect anything. The only thing I have ever wanted in my life is for my children to be content. I doubt I will ever get that.
audre,
I think that you are right, they don’t respect those who love them unconditionally because they don’t feel worthy of the love. my husband right now has very low self esteem, he feels like the world is against him, which is why he is so angry at everyone. he has lost all his confidence and his independence through the years and now want it back but doesn’t know how to get it. i am beginning to think that my husband is borderline. he has all of the signs of it. Audre, don’t lose faith in your son. It may not seem like it now, but he won’t stay this way forever. I guess that is the worst part in dealing w/these disorders, you feel like there is never an end to it..
Jen, thank you!
If you have read my posts you will have seen that one of my friends has gotten out of the cycle.
He always thought that everyone was against him. Over time I encouraged him to see that most of the times he thought people were against him, they really were so caught up in their own troubles they didn’t even know he existed.
He told me a great story recently. Apparently he was having lunch with some colleagues and he said something another person took the wrong way. He said he put his arm around the shoulders of the other person and said,”Now why do you think I would say that to you?”
The other person then relaxed and they had a great conversation after. He told me that in the past he would not have noticed the others discomfort and if he did he would have taken it personally ruining his and everyone’s day.
I hope for this for my precious son but it will take a long time. I will never lose faith in him though.
Why do you say it won’t last forever? That gives me hope.
never give up hope audre. xxx
Hey Everyone,
it’s been such an interesting weekend so far. Yest started out w/ my bp trying to get someone to drive some papers up to her lawyers office in another state. Of course she couldn’t find anyone so. Guess what…we 3 jumped in the car and went on a road trip. We drove 6 hours on way then turned around and went to a big theme park for another 6 hrs. Actually it was a good day. But for someone like me who barely has a spontaneous bone in my body it was a wild ride. Keep in mind that she also had a broken foot and now 3 broken toes. She was obviously in agony but remember anything for her daughter! Sometimes life is crazy in a good way.
audre
I meant to have hope that he will find his way and get the help that he needs so he can start to take control of his bd instead of it controlling him.
Hey guys
I’m in Australia and have done imago therapy with a specific counsellor and it was amazing – really reunited us.
Admittedly that partner wasn’t BP – would love my current BP partner to attend a session with me but I think the chances of getting her there are very slim.
I caught up for a coffee with her on the weekend – and it’s amazing. She’s back seeing her pdoc – says she’s back at the gym and eating well. But then mentions nothing about our relationship – 7 weeks ago she asked for ‘space’ and ‘time to think’ – so when do I get more of an answer? Aren’t I owed one after a two year relationship?
I am getting tired and angry about this now. I’ve given her her ‘space’ – so what now? Where to from here?
I agree with Zuki on understanding what they are doing. Subversive, remember that they act out of self preservation. They feel for whatever reason that we are trying to hurt them, leave them, manipulate them, control them, hold them down, etc… so they have a flight or fight reaction. Some will run away (flight), some wil attack (fight), some will do both. When your partner comes back remorseful, it is after they had the reaction, and clearly they remember what they did, that is why they are remorseful. The question is are they remorsful because of the fear of loss or are they genuinely sorry. The problem is they are run by their emotions during those times and those emotions are usually wrong.
Michelle, one of the symptoms of borderline is black and white thinking. This is something that used to leave me scratching my head as I would be pinned as evil despite doing nothing wrong. My wife will view me on my last action. If she percieves that action as negative, then I am a bad person. Remember the word percieved, because her perceptions are usually dead wrong.
People are either good or bad, no in between and no slack is given for mistakes. Another symptom of borderline is thin skin. They are ultra sensitive, and have been described as having 3rd degree burns over 90% of their body. If I say anything that my wife deems an insult, then she will go off. She will create a dialogue in her head of my “bad” intentions. These are stories that she creates of me having ulterior motives to do her harm or whatever. I am not saying that people diagnosed as BP are actually BPD, but am suggesting that these these two disorders are on a spectrum will similarities. I feel they have just started to do research into these disorders and very little is known about either.
Audre, yes i used to think that other families were normal too, ha what the heck IS normal? i just know mine isnt, and i need it to change, got a very dysfunctional family of origin. where would i start tho…… dads cousin commiting suicide and taking her two kids with her? dads daughter in america, mothers adoption, breakdown, sectioning, erm i could go on and on the list is long, and i think a lot of families have this kind of thing going on but when it keeps going on and on for generations thats when someone has to break the chain, ha and this is where i found john bradshaws book healing the shame that binds us very helpful, ha i was laughing cos am always recommending a book or website on here, and i chuckle at how much i have read, if only i’d researched and done as much at school, i could be a doctor or psychiatrist by now!!!
Trusturgut, glad you had a good day,
had to have a small chuckle at the broken toe thing, god works in mysterious ways, sorry if that sounded cruel, but i remember being so tormented one day on a walk with my bf one day and he got bitten by a great big horse fly thing and was in agony, although not really funny, i did have a small belly laugh, well after he couldnt see me i did ha.
scott, that is what i have been reading about, the imago theory and therapy, it definately sounds good. and yes it would be getting the BP partners to go, but even learning the skills just by yourself to relate to them sounds very beneficial and i’ll certainly be trying the mirroring validation empathy thing. I really do think a lot has to do with listening, i struggle with this, i can sit and listen to people and not have a clue what the hell they have said, just nod here and there, my mother did it with me and it used to drive me crazy, its about being there for the other person, just to listen deeply and that builds a connection between two people, nd eventually they learn to listen to you too. all sounds so simple doesnt it, yet sometimes it is just the simple things that really work. the learning to see from anothers point of view whether you agree with it or not.
just in general,
I got a text bck saying leave me alone, i did not reply, i dont actually know and havent worked out how to deal with this one yet, and its been happening for 4 years, why someone would need space from someone for weeks on end is beyond me, but i reckon they cant face reality, so go into a fantasy world, if you google confabulation, you might understand a bit more, am still working on this one! they need us angry to justify their bad bahaviour, and thats why he wont be getting any nasties from me, wish i knew all this years ago, saved myself a lot of sleepless nights and heartbreak.
M xxxxxxx
On a lighter note, I caught my wife on the phone talking to her sister and giving tips on boundaries and responsibilities.
My wife is clearly picking up on what I have been doing and saying.
hehe panda, they are funny arent they at times, the tips re boundaries, i wonder if she can ring me too – i could do with tips on that. hehe. oh panda yes they do, they run or attack, the flight is bad enough as is the attack but the fight and then the flight is the killer for us.!!
its awful that someone should perceive us like that when it is wrong, i really wonder what the answer is, they just so lack trust, (i do too) they cannot make themselves vulnerable to another no matter what. wel i think there must be a way, its about attachment, building and keeping it, building a connection, also having empathy for the person, once we can build trust, they could learn to trust us, and open up. wow panda yes i never thought about it that way about the emotions being wrong i didnt really get it, but yeah, we can have a habit of reacting to our emotions wrongly, instead of feeling them and giving ourselves time to think. isnt that where that saying comes from ‘they wear their heart on their sleeve??’. very very sensitive they are, how can this ever be changed?? CBT? i am starting my own CBT next week, helping with my lack of self esteem and gain assertiveness, any one done it, and has it helped?? i know what its all about as you can imagine i have read all there is to read about it!! i read the website on dialetical behavioural therapy too, that was an interesting read. it makes you realise that you can sometimes worry too much about things that wont happen or have next to no chance of happening. so sorry am rabbiting on again. m xxxx
This is off wikepedia – confabulation
For the neural process, see Confabulation (neural networks).
“False memories” redirects here. For the comic book series, see False Memories.
In psychology, Confabulation is the spontaneous narrative report of events that never happened. It consists of the creation of false memories, perceptions, or beliefs about the self or the environment usually as a result of neurological or psychological dysfunction.[1] When it is a matter of memory, confabulation is the confusion of imagination with memory, or the confused application of true memories.[2] Confabulations are difficult to differentiate from delusions and from lying.[3]
ooh interesting, erm narcissists confabulate a lot, and as as panda said about bp and bpd being on the same spectrum so is narcissism, so maybe all the lies we have heard are not lies after all they are confabulations?? any ideas? this is all getting a bit technical now?? M xxx
Thsi is an excerpt from kim and steve coopers ebook back from the looking glass, this is a part that steve wrote, he adds little bits all the way throught he book, he used to have NPD, and they are both very happy now.
The steps laid out by Kim in item one here are extremely important. I was a master of confabulation, and could usually talk my way out of situations even if that meant making Kim out to be the aggressor.
Kim was often beside herself when asking for support and as she has pointed out, this made matters worse for her. A person in a position of diffusing emotional family tensions (police officers, social workers, psychologists etc.) can only go so far and only offer a certain amount of advice. If
there is a manic/anxious/angry party in the dispute (as Kim often was) it is this ‘squeaky wheel’ that will get the attention. Professionals are expected to identify problems and they will invariably look on the surface only. This was where Kim made the real change that started the healing. Kim calmly described her predicament to enough influential people in our community and retained the presence of mind to insist that she needed assistance to solve this problem without kicking me out of our home. It was after this that I felt that my game was up, and the truth could finally be presented to me. The truth was, I needed help, and there wasn’t too many people willing to help a grown man who was known to be lying and manipulative. S
he said even if making kim aout to be the aggressor, they will do anything to save their own skin and make themselves not look bad? he admits he did it with the kids too to get one over on kim. yet what he wanted in the early days before she started to work clever with him was 1) someone to totally trust 2) someone strong and 3 well there are lots of things she did to help him out of it, but firstly she put herself right, i have followed a lot of her steps in the book. M xxxxxx
The boundaries and responsibility tips make sense to her and she tries to use them, but the problem is when her emotions take control, the logic of being able to hold boundaries or know what her responsibilities are is out the window. It is no holds barred, gloves off, cage match style aggression.
I think the behavior therapy is really the way to go. It trains them to behave in healthy ways instinctually. I would say that me just enforcing my boundaries and taking responsiblity only for what I am responsible for has helped her along to a large degree.
For the sensitiveness, I am finding holding true to my reality helps. If she gets angry and attacks me I state I don’t want to be treated that way. Either then or later she will come out and tell me the root cause of her anger, something I did and once again, I will state I was not trying to hurt you and I am sorry you were offended. At first this used to anger her, because she didn’t see me saying “I am sorry you were offended.” as an actual apology, because it isn’t. I don’t need to apologize, because she interpreted reality wrong.
Over time she starts questioning her reality more and starts developing more trust. So far anyway.
Confabulation is a one word way of describing what I have been trying to put into many paragraphs.
My wife will feel anger and then build a story around why she should feel the way she does. If I do something she percieves as mean, then she will pick me apart and read into my actions, of course negatively.
Also, on the saving their own skin and making the other person out to be the bad guy, it all boils down to not wanting to face guilt. They are responsible, and yet do not want to face that because of the pain it causes them. It is like their whole world would come crashing down. Their reality would be exposed for what it is, wrong.
That is why I no longer enable my wife’s fantasy and force her to face the truth by standing firm in my reality. I think the stronger and more self confident we are, the more trust they have in us.
So confabulation can result from an inability to recognise whether or not memories are relevant, real and current. But that’s not the only time people make up stories, says Hirstein. He has found that those with delusions or false beliefs about their illnesses are among the most common confabulators. He thinks these cases reveal how we build up and interpret knowledge about ourselves and other people
i have just read this and the following was one of the responses – its very strange but when they react to us they arent reacting to us really – they are reacting from memories of the past. omg how weird
Bipolar And Confabulations!
Fri Dec 14 20:26:35 GMT 2007 by Gwendolyn Boyd
Is there any correlations or research on people with confabulations also having Bipolar Disorder. I have recently experienced confabulations for 8 years and the diagnosis was Bipolar Disorder. It dawn on me when I returned to a anniversary celebration that I had been looking at people and things from a distorted memory that happen 25 years earlier.
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if you want to read the whole article it is here
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19225720.100-mind-fiction-why-your-brain-tells-tall-tales.html?page=2
Someone please remind me that I traveled 1300 mi because I said that I knew this is where Im supposed to be and I wanted this Lol
I am shaken Im so exhausted. It’s not that things are so bad but more just a whirlwind of activity. There always is but I had a month to sit on my duff and relax and I feel as if Ive barely sat down in the week that Ive been back.
I’ve been able to read everyone posts and have wanted to respond but w/o the time to really do so. Please know that you are all in my thoughts.
I think this would be different if we both weren’t home together ALL day. She’s constantly on the phone but rapid firing questions at me. I don’t mind and I know Im the only one with the answers but geez I can barely walk out of the room
Aw trusturgut, its not a good feeling being in a whirlwind is it, hopefuy things will settle down soon for you. M xxxx
Subversive1
Thank you for your honest reaction to my comment. I’m always trying to revise my assumptions and you may well be right – it does seem to be something that is essentially beyond control.
My husband is also a bit delusional at times and is having a fairly crazy time at the moment but so far only a couple of big blow ups and nothing too serious. He has become obsessed with Easter and spring and is looking for connections between various dates as though there is some kind of conspiracy -demanding a huge amount of attention so is in manic demanding mode as opposed to manic rejecting mode. Sometimes his sentences don’t make much sense for hours and much of it is repetitive, although he only seems to do it in front of me (and shuts up if anyone else enters the room) but I suppose that comes from trusting someone. Optimistically you can look at it like that, they must trust a great deal in order to tell stuff.
Trusturgut,
I’m in a similar position at the moment – the rapid questions, (repeated and not really listening to the answers?) very tiring. Many of the questions I’m being asked don’t have answers.
It seems to me like a desperate plea for things to make sense when it feels like nothing does. I try to come up with the best responses but the success is various and temporary.
Michelle,
completely agree with the false memories message, I’m constantly being accused of things based on very distorted and occasionally completely imagined memories.
Panda,
You seem to have got it spot on. Is it mostly from talking to therapists, through experience or reading things? I imagine probably a combination must be true but would like to hear if you’ve found any particular books or websites helpful.
I was away yesterday and was happy to read the comments when I returned. It is so revealing.
Michelle, for my child it is not so much false memory as the weight and interpretation that he puts on the memories. He is always accusing me of evil things but when pressed I think he realizes he is not right. (I think).
Zuki, did the situation with your husband develop over time? My son is into conspiracy theories but they are the ones a lot of people believe, like JFK and 9/11. Will it get worse?
Also, why do they realize that they can’t say the same things to other people that they can say to the one upon whom they vent their anger?
Panda I would love to be able to do what you are doing but can’t get close enough yet. I look forward to what you say about how it is progressing.
Trusturgut glad you were spontaneous enough to take the trip. Hope it goes well for you.
subversive1 your story is heartbreaking, like all the other stories here. I really admire how you still love and are willing to practice forgiveness for what seems unforgivable. I easily forgive my child but wonder if I could if it were my partner.
As I am new to this, can I ask if the rages escalate? Do they ever hurt anyone physically?
audre
it’s wayne here & in response to your question could they ever hurt someone physically i would in my experience no, in my case she is a master of putting you down with her acid tongue, as I’ve said before they are so intelligent, & intuitive, it’s unbelievable!! Yet with their faults arn’t we all gods children? if you cut me do i not bleed ect…ect… but the short answer is no im pretty sure he won’t be violent, if he has a gentle way now, in an episode it’s words that are their most lethal wepon.
Luv Wayne (subversive) xx
Scott, I feel your pain but have no answers for you. It is a difficult minefield we are treading.
Take care of yourself!
Zuki,
I wish I had the silver bullet, not only could I help thousands, but I would probably be a millionaire.
I found what works for me. My therapist was absolutely vital. You need one that 1) understands these disorders, 2) converses in a way that gets through to you and 3) is realistic enough to put things back on you all the while being personable and compassionate. She was vital, but honestly, her alone wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am. Years of pain and self searching and reading and studying and researching put me in a position to ask good questions and think about what she was saying. Plus, my personality is very analytical by nature. I play chess for fun, and used to be a bond analyst. I wouldn’t say how I got to where I am now would work for everyone, but I am seeing results, so there is a possibility others may see results with the same simple steps.
Last night she had another episode and went off on our son. I stood up for him and explined the reality. He was trying to help and she put him down. He is 7 years old. This morning she broke down. I think it is getting harder for her to ignore what is becoming more clear to her. She said that she hates going from happy to depressed all the time.
Audre,
Interpretation is the key word. If your son is interpreting memories sensitively or in a way that 99% of people would not interpret them, then he is in essence having false memories. My wife does the same thing depending on her mood. If she is angry at me she can twist the present, past, and sometimes the future. They are very good at this, and if you are not careful will do it without you even noticing. You are right on when you say he understands he is wrong when pressed. KEEP PRESSING! But remember, stay on topic as a lot of times when they are called on the carpet, they will change the subject to something else we “suck” at to take focus off the fact that they have been found out to be wrong on the previous topic.
Stay focused and on topic and be insistent on your reality and don’t get dragged into an argument, just state your reality and leave it at that.
Audre, the theories that they seem to believe in is pretty interesting, are they delusions ? is it an escape for them – here is a bit out of alice millers book, cant remember if it was drama of being a child or the truth will set you free, but i wrote it down coa i sent it to my bf when he was doing strange things and asking me to look up ancient theories etc etc….
Where there is no such respect, children seek refuge from a painful truth in ideologies. Nationalism, racism and fascism are in fact nothing other than ideological guises of the flight from painful unconcious memories of endured comtempt into dangerous destructive disrespectfor human life glorified as political program. the formerly hidden cruelty that was exercised upon the powerless child now becomes only too apparent in the violence of such groups. its origins in childhood in the total disregard of the former child however remain concealed or absolutely denied.
now dont know even if this wil make sense to you or even if it does to me but, it seem their anger is directed towards this – i cant really explain exactly what i mean but reading the book i know what i meant – am frantically trying to find the page now.
M xxxx
Michelle, when my child started feeling depressed, he phoned home and asked me if he had been abused as a child. He had no memories of abuse but it seems everyone wanted to believe there was abuse. Abuse is the flavor of the month. We talked about things that might have happened and it came to nothing really. I think he wanted to believe that there was a logical reason for his suffering.
What the book may be saying is children feel disrespected and then want to disrespect others when they grow up. They join groups that persist in hitting back at a perceived enemy. There is a lot of truth in that, I am sure.
I guess what I am saying is a particularly sensitive child may see everything as abuse and act out accordingly. In their mind someone looking at them the wrong way is abuse. This is why I hesitate to buy into any one theory. I think they all have some truth but not the truth.
Panda, what you say makes sense. If he thinks that playing a prank on a classmate will land him in hell, there is something skewed about that.
It is truly amazing how much help I have found here since I joined.
Thanks again all!
Audre, i totally agree with you, i am a very black and white thinker who is desperately trying to see grey areas, you help me. i am extreme in my thinking, my freinds say i go from one extreme to the other, it used to be all or nothing, i am learning!! i seem to jump from one theory to the other and beleive them all totally for a while till another comes along, now i see that you are very sensible thinking that way, i shall start to do the same slowly but surely. each and every person in our lives is here for a reason, am looking for that poem, about the people here for a reason a season etc…….
M xxxxxxx
Audre,
Skewed and dramatic. It almost sounds like a cry for help. Maybe he is looking for love and acceptance, for reassurance from you. It is very hard to tell what is going on in their head. I think we all do this to some extent, create drama to seek reassurance from our loved ones, but the frequency and level that people with these disorders have is much greater. At least that is what I notice in my wife. She will do these things and if I don’t show sympathy, she will get mad at me and feel I don’t care. Now I try and show some sympathy without getting drawn into the triangle. I usually end it by letting her know I love her. The reassurance seems to help.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant
Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
found it M xx
Zuki,
Wow you related to me so well. I’ve never heard Demanding Manic before. I think that is Exactly what I live in most of the time. I am so friggen tired and worried about being told that something is wrong or not good enough it’s ridiculous. I am a highly educated person. And am not used to being spoken to in this way.
god yes trusturgut, we all walk around on egg shells, i am gonna get that book callled stop walking on egg shells see if there is any tips in there. grrrrr i refuse to walk on egg shells anymore, i have always been a people pleasing type who doesnt confront anyone or do anything to rock the boat, i know that comes from childhood not knowing what mood people were going to be in so we become people pleasing so not to upset people and keep everyone happy. M xxx
Hi Michelle
it’s wayne again, i don’t think there is a thing anyone can do to make it a normal relationship, it will just happen out of the blue, you think everythings going along fine, then it hits!
My girl turned up last night & we are back together, but i know just what i have in store. It’s safe for a while, maybe 6 or 8 months then …look out!!! she go’s off like a tornado, but that’s what it’s like being in love with a Bipolar1
I was just so happy to see her
panda, i have just read that bit about the way they twist things and change the subject, i never thought about that before but looking back can see it happpened all the time, as soon as one thing was proved to be wrong it was then changed to another thing i had done wrong and i let it happen, i wonder why they would hurt someone they say they love, or is it that they just must not have any flaws shown whatsoever or ever admit that they are wrong, funnily enough, he used to tell me i could never admit i was wrong, (projection) but i always admit when i’m wrong, well i try to and certainly more thatn he ever did. how long can they keep it up – it must take one hell of a lot of energy. M xxxxxxx
Bipolar Disorder
Symptoms of bipolar disorder may be especially difficult to discern in children because they may be mistaken for age-appropriate emotions and behaviors of children and adolescents. Also, their symptoms of bipolar disorder may vary somewhat from adults. For example, when manic, children and adolescents are more likely to be irritable and prone to destructive outbursts than to be elated or euphoric. When depressed, they may complain about headaches, stomach aches, tiredness, poor performance in school, poor communication, and extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure.
Women are more commonly diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder. In addition, women are more affected by rapid cycling bipolar disorder, a complex variant of the disorder, than men. In some patients, bipolar disorder assumes a seasonal pattern, marked by a cyclic relation between the onset of the mood episode and a particular 60-day period each year.
Bipolar Disorder Definition
Bipolar Disorder, as its name suggests, is a condition characterized by periods of high mood in addition to the low moods that occur in the more common “unipolar” depression.
Formerly called manic-depressive illness, it is characterized by the occurrence of mania (euphoria) alternating with bouts of depression. Bipolar disorder is characterized by changes from one extreme mood to its polar opposite – for instance, from depression to the euphoric or grandiose state known as mania. The mood disturbances can be so severe that the individual loses touch with reality. He or she may feel suicidal when depressed, and when manic may engage in risky or self-destructive behavior such as spending large amounts of money, gambling compulsively, etc.
Information on Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar Disorder is the form of depressive illness in which the sufferer has periods of being on a high, as well as periods of depression. It is presumed to be a chronic condition because the vast majority of individuals who have one manic episode have additional episodes in the future.
Bipolar disorder typically begins in adolescence or early adulthood and continues throughout life. It is often not recognized at first as a serious disorder, and people who have it may suffer needlessly for years or even decades. This disorder is not a character flaw, and it is not your fault. It is a serious mood disorder that affects a person’s ability to function in every day activities. It affects one’s work, one’s family, and one’s social life.
As defined by the American Psychiatric Association, bipolar disorder includes 4 main mood episodes-Mania, Hypomania, Depression, and Mixed Mood.
It should be noted that this disorder does not consist of mere “ups and downs”. Ups and downs are experienced by virtually everyone and do not constitute a disorder. The mood swings of bipolar disorder are far more extreme than those experienced by most people.
The two extremes of bipolar can also rapidly change from day to day or even from hour to hour.
Manic Depression has two distinct sides-the depressive state and the manic state.
Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering.
The manic stage of bipolar disorder shares the underlying common characteristics of an elevated mood, and is characterized by an increase in the quantity and speed of physical and mental activity.
Between episodes, patients with bipolar disorder exhibit depressive moodiness and sometimes high-energy activity; disruption in developmental and social functioning is more common than in unipolar disorder.
When the sufferer is in the depressive episode they may suffer loss of interest, reduced energy, apathy, lowered concentration and attention, reduced self-esteem and self-confidence, guilt,etc.
Depressive episodes can be classed as either one of the following; mild, moderate or severe.
Classification of bipolar disorder
ICD-10 DSM-IV
Manic episode Hypomanic episode
Hypomania Manic episode
Mania Mild
Mania with psychosis Moderate
Severe
Severe with psychosis
Bipolar affective disorder Bipolar I and bipolar II disorders
Currently hypomanic Current (or most recent episode)
Currently manic Hypomanic
Currently depressed Manic*
Currently mixed Depressed
In remission Mixed*
Cyclothymia
*Excludes bipolar II.
Hypomania
The less severe form of high in bipolar disorder is hypomania. People with this form have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They tend to overestimate their capabilities and fail to see the obvious risks involved in their ventures.
Special considerations
Remember the manic patient’s physical needs. Encourage her to eat. Provide a diet high in calories, carbohydrates, and liquids.
Collaborate with other staff members to provide consistent responses to the patient’s manipulative or acting out behaviors.
As the patient’s symptoms subside, encourage her to assume responsibility for personal care.
Provide emotional support, maintain a calm environment, and set realistic goals for behavior.
Provide diversionary activities suited to a short attention span; firmly discourage the patient if she tries to overextend herself. Provide structured activities involving large motor movements to expend surplus energy. Reduce or eliminate group activities durIng acute manic episodes.
When necessary, reorient the patient to reality. Tactfully divert conversations when they become intimately concerned with other patients of staff members.
Set limits in a calm, clear, and self confident manner for the manic patient’s demanding, hyperactive, manipulative, and acting-out behaviors. Setting limits tells the patient that you’ll provide security and protection by refusing inappropriate and possibly harmful requests. Avoid leaving fill opening for the patient to test you of argue with you.
Listen to requests attentively and with a neutral attitude. Avoid power struggles if a patient tries to put you Oil the spot for an immediate answer. Explain that you’ll seriously consider I he request and will respond later.
Encourage solitary activities such as writing out one’s thoughts.
Watch for early signs of frustration (when the patient’s anger escalates from verbal threats to hitting an object). Tell the patient firmly that threats and hitting are unacceptable. Explain that these behaviors show that she needs help to control her behavior. Inform her that the staff will help her move to a quiet area to help her control her behavior so she won’t hurt herself or others. Staff members who have practiced as a team can work effectively to prevent acting-out behavior or to remove and confine a patient.
Facts and Tips about Bipolar Disorder
this is from a website called howtogetridofbipolardisorder.
How would someone reorient back to reality??
Avoid leaving fill opening for the patient to test you of argue with you – is that what we were talking about when we need to stay on topic ??
i am sure they know what they do, i remember when i first met my bf and i said something about being bossy, he simply replied he who dares wins!! – but its not bossy he needs – its firm limits and boundaries. my mother was very strict, does anyone think he picked me cos he thought that maybe i might be the same??
I think they crave for someone to give them discipline. ??
M xxxxx
i am so sorry, i only copied a small portion of that to put on here the list of special considerations and it has put the whole lot on. M xxx
Ok everyone Ive noticed either a distinct pattern or definitely some very hot triggers for my bp. When she feels overwhelmed, can’t find something or feels like she is going to be late for anything re: her daughter. She either starts screaming at the top of her lungs about how everyone let’s her down and how stupid everyone is. Or starts making demands and barking orders. If you don’t comply than there’s always the threat that you will be asked to move.
i agree trusturgut. they definately just leave us not knowing where we stand. does your bp ignore you for weeks and weeks on end? mine does then when i see them they say they’ve missed me so much? what is going on, are they somewhere else during this time, and how do we limit this strange and frustrating behaviour?? mine always gets me over to talk yet when i say we never do when i come over, he promises that he will yet when i get there, he does all he can to stop it, says can we leave this for tonight, or starts doing something that makes it impossible. – its like tht book i hate you, dont leave me, i havent read it yet but can feel it coming on!!!! i think love acceptance and trust is the only cure. as for the way they have magiacl thinking – i have had that myself, one day when he left, i had a feeling he would come back when the plant that he planted outside lost the flowers it had blossomed, each day i would go out and wish that they would hurry up and die so that he would come back. he did ctually shortly after that only to disappear again. delusion????? also someone mentioned the linking of numbers etc, i remember when my dad died, i had panic attacks ( not since) and i was adding up the year he was born and the date, and the time he died to this that and the other, and making it add up to the dates and times of other relevent things at the time, my mother was worried about me then. does the mind do these types of things when deeply stressed???
M xxxxx
She just came home from getting daughter at school. Just got some REALLY BAD news that she won a really big case. Yes I did say bad news because she just signed the papers Friday agreeing to a 2 year suspension for actions that occured during the height of her illness so she is not entitled to the 1.4 mil from the case. She said she can feel the emotional blackout coming on and can’t stop crying. This is one of those moments where you just want to hold them in your arms and make it all go away.
Michelle,
that was a fantastic article on BP. So clear and concise. And this house is most definitely in need of major structure. We are both working diligently on it even when she’s out of it she’s trying where her daughter is concerned.
Thank you for posting that’s a keeper
@Wayne… thanks. it helps to know that.
Last night I had a talk with him. Well, I suppose calling it a talk is a stretch but we spoke. He called me a communist and told me I shouldn’t be watching TV. He did say that he is feeling a lot better now that I have taken care of the issues that were troubling him. Maybe that is the closest he can come to saying something good.
Then he said, “You cannot help me emotionally, even though you can help others. But you can do other things like cook good food.”
Later I was preparing something in the kitchen while he was listening to a radio program on the computer. The program was talking about something to do with TV… don’t know what because I wasn’t really listening. Anyway, I asked, “Do they have any proof for what they are saying?” He got up and left the kitchen. I thought I would throw that in, in case he could think about it.
I never react to anything anyone says. Mainly because I don’t get anything negative until I think about it. That happens after I sleep. I wake up in the morning thinking what a shitty thing that person said to me… that happens with everything, my son’s moods included.
Last night, however, a funny thing happened. BY the time I got upstairs to go to bed I was annoyed. What annoyed me was the statement about my being good enough for preparing food and looking after other issues but that’s all. For some reason, for the first time in my life I felt devalued.
I have always held the view that what others think of me is none of my business. I have no expectations and am therefore never disappointed, nor do I ever feel devalued by anything others say or do. I have no expectations about my son or his future either. I know I have provided all that is possible. The rest is up to him. But I don’t feel like being around this abuse any longer.
Panda is right! I think it is just seeping in. Even if you don’t really care about their actions, they should know what they are doing is totally out of bounds.
I have to say it again… I am so happy I found you guys.
Hi audre
it’s so difficult to deal with them somehow, how on earth do you put up with them taking lovers when in an episode, it’s soul destroying, they break you down, then walk all over you, hurling abuse at you, phone calls, ect…ect… it’s getting almost impossible in my instance.
But, like a trooper, I’ll continue to try and mend bridges between us. like today, I helped her move into a little villa,
I got the trailer, I moved 1 huge refridgerator, 2 freezers. 1 big washing machine, a dinning suite, a lounge room suite,
Plus to many other things to mention, mind you, she did say she loved me, & I love making her happy.
Wayne
There is such a thing as “psychological reality” in the sense of a dreaming psyche. However, it is argued in this work that this reality is usually literalized. In literalizing “psychological reality” psychological life attains an “over-seriousness” that causes much neurosis.
This essay is about psychological reality. Paradoxically, psychological reality is mythical. It is dreamlike. There is psychological reality, i.e. we are conscious beings with unconscious experiences. Just beyond the conscious mind the psyche is constantly in a dream-state. Hence when we drift off to sleep all of that dream-world takes over.
The repression of the conscious ego relaxes its grip and soon lets go altogether and the more “real you” takes over, the fantasist. Hence the child who has watched a horror movie that night (and was frightened by it) will have nightmares due to his conscious defenses sleeping and the fantasy material (that he has turned into symbolic images of fear) breakthrough. Likewise the mother whose child has perished in a tragic accident, whilst not being able to repress her horrific feelings consciously, will have absolutely no success if she ever gets any sleep, because again, her repressing conscious defenses will be down.
Admittedly they are extreme examples (especially the latter) but the psyche is constantly dreaming anyway in a dialogue with consciousness. The fact of the matter is that even if ones life is mundane the deeper part of the mind will be day-dreaming and if a hypnotist were to make the conscious mind sleep or to go to the borderline of waking consciousness and sleep, the individual would experience his dream world reality. This is totally irrespective of the intelligence or excitement of his life, or of any other factors.
Read more in Psychology
« The Meaning of Hair ColourEvil Incarnate: Sociopaths »Hence Depth Psychology speaks of MYTHICAL PSYCHOLOGICAL REALITY. The “Mythical” is an apt description of all of the fantasy-like material just beyond the surface of narrow ego consciousness. Obviously “Psychological” is self-explanatory whilst “Reality” stands for the fact that whilst the material is mythical it is nevertheless undeniably real. I mean that it is “real” in the sense that, say I ask you to say to yourself (non-audibly) the alphabet. So you say in the secrecy of your own mind, a,b,c,d,e,,,..x,y,z. You know that you have spoken those words. It’s real. It’s psychological reality. This may seem obvious but it’s a different type of reality to that which physical scientists deal with. Physical scientists deal with the literal world of concrete reality. Depth Psychology deals with the mythical world of psychological reality.
People are however prone on one extreme to dismiss such psychic reality as “only psychological” whilst at the same time taking the psychological in their own lives all too literally. The question becomes, why would people take psychological life literally? That is a good question because in taking psychological life too literally one becomes neurotic. Our fantasy, dreamlike psychological reality is not the same as the physical reality that is “out-there”.
Yet (for example) the nervous and frightened child experiences (due to chronically misguided) interpretation, the psychological world as massively real. Everything impacts on her as if it were a threat. It isn’t about the outer world in such a case. Other children are happy with the same outer world experiences. The frightened and nervous child thus, has false perspective. Now, the clever person may argue here that all children have a false perspective, or that, if all of psychological life is mythical, there is no “true perspective”.
Correct, but there are degrees of health and ill health. I do not say that the nervous and frightened child should be dismissed with a shake of the head. Now such a child (if the psychologist Alfred Adler is to be believed) may end up over-compensating for this nervous fearful psychology by becoming a power-tripper in adult life. All the words associated with “power” are relevant here, dogmatic, pedantic, pretentious, one-sided, narrow-minded, close-minded, and so on. It could be said that such a person swaps “out of control” fear for “control-freakery”.
So in a sense he is still in a world of neurotic fear. He’s up-tight and due to exerting such a large amount of control over himself, he is bound to do the same over others. Jung calls that “projection”. So to return to the question, “Why would people take psychological life literally?” I have answered that question in the example case just given. Again, I have given an admittedly extreme example to begin with. But again, the example can be applied to virtually everyone. This is because the archetype that is activated in the example of the adult power-tripper is that of the cultural ego.
Thankfully mythical psychological reality is the psychological nature for all conscious human beings whether living 30,000 years ago or now. Hence we always have a wider context for our psychological dispositions. Un-thankfully the ego often feels repelled at this and blocks the potential psychological health of the wider psyche. Yet the ego is not literally real either. It is just an archetypal disposition. But it is the culturally dominant one. And this ego power spreads like the disease that it is through all things. Its disease infects individuals, the fields of knowledge, societies etc etc. Yet if one can embrace the Depth Psychology that I will outline here, and include within that embrace, the destruction of one’s ego, then it is claimed here that one will be psychologically, better off.
this is from
http://socyberty.com/psychology/beyond-the-ego-and-psychological-mythical-reality/
can anyone see any of this sort of behaviour in their BP???
mine used to say that we would of been ok if it had only been the two of us and not the three of us and me being the gooseberry!!! they seem to turn us into psychologists so desperate for the answers – or at least that is what is happening to me. he also used to say deep down i do love you but somehow i cant keep it at the surface! any ideas anyone??/
M xxxxxx
Even though I ahve been gone from posting I still read everyone elses. I gain much help from reading them. well two and a half months went by and I heard from her yesterday. She told me she is done with me has moved on and I should do the same. Well I had some news for her of my own (I have already moved on) But the sick part about it was she said she has no ill feelings towards me and no feelings of hate..lmao Well why would she? It was her that made me miserable and put me through hell and then lied and dumped me.. I sure as hell hope she has no bad feelings..lol She is so far gone that I do not know her at all anymore. Even the tone of her voice has changed. There is no emotion in her voice to me at all and only one steady tone like she is reading from a book. Well anyway I was reading one ladys post where she asked if BP people can be violent. Since there seems to be many degrees of BP and my xgf appearing to have the worst and maybe even a few extras I would say yes. She once asked me if I have any guns that can be easly accessed by her son. This is the kid who I feel has BP also and screems curse words infront of everyone. I think this kid is a homicidel maniac and I feel the whole lot of them have no feelings for anyone other then themself. If they appear to show feelings it is only because something has hurt them. She always cryed about her heart being broken and her walls and such. But she has no feelings at all for what she has done to me. If she shot me dead I am sure she would see it as something she had to do and she would feel no regret. I sent her two peices on Cognitive theropy just to give her something to think about. (excuse my grammer) I feel she is running on auto pilot. Some where along the road she has picked up certain lines she will stick to when she is in her crazy mode. I think she has gone over to the manic side 24/7 and maybe for ever. She loves herself more then anyone or anything in the world. If your loved one is not too far gone try to get them this cognitive treatment as soon as possible. I understand if left untreated this disease gets worse. I still smile when I think she has forgiven me lmfao
What nurve she has to forgive me I did nothing but try to help her and her two kids.. Oh well I guess its back to the drawing board for me. Good thing spring is here and I will find a new gf. One without this BS. The totle heart break and uncareing from them has pushed me to the point of being uncaring myself. Thoughts of doing myself in? check… Feeling of no self worth? check… Will I ever get back to where I was before I met her? I sure as hell hope so.. Has BP kicked my ass… It sure as hell has 
Good luck everyone and I truly wish you all the best. I will be standing on the side lines once again.. Thank you for letting me rant..
Robert you just described my soon to be ex husband, I understand where your coming from, Mine has changed like that and I have no idea who he is anymore, were going through a divorce now and he is stalling everything that comes up, but hes the one who filed for divorce but its not going his way and in there bp heads, they only care about there selves.
Im trying to move on to and I will not ever get with another bp person again. My ex says theres nothing wrong with him and he wont get help, so I totally get what your saying Robert.
I am afraid he will try to hurt me, I think hes in manic 24/7 to, His dad murdered him mom when he was 8 yrs old, so if his dad wasnt all there, they you know he isnt all there.
A crazy life they live.
Michelle,
In regards to the energy they exert to keep up their reality, it must be a lot. I think that is why they are so tired, being defensive all the time, and vigilant to all the threats…US
. I can’t imagine living like that trying to keep the play going.
In regards to getting back to reality, that is where being grounded in your reality, (in all probability the more accurate reality) and guiding them back to reality by standing up for yourself and your reality comes into play. By allowing their reality to dictate your reality, you are only reinforcing the dysfunction.
Audre,
I am so proud of you. You are absolutely right. You are more than just a cook. This is the exact same conclusioin I came to, despite how much I love my wife, I no longer wanted to put up with the behavior. I am sure you might find yourself feeling that the relationship has changed. That is the hard part for me, trusting that the relationship will get to a point where we once were, trusting and loving each other equally without the drama. As my therapist told me and was absolutely right, things will get worse before they get better. When you start standing up for yourself, at first they will get angry and resist and “up the ante”, but over time, just like a child throwing a temper tantrum, they will learn that it won’t work on you, that is as long as you are consistent. Child analogies are perfect for these situations because these people have the emotional maturity of a child.
Trusturgut,
I used to try and limit the triggers, stress mostly, but found that just lowered the outbreaks at first, but eventually they started happening just as much, but on a smaller scale. The fact is stress is all relative. For instance, my grandmother gets stressed having to get her car inspected. She doesn’t have much on her plate, so when she does something, it is a big deal. She has been retired now for quite a few years. In my wife’s case, I lowered the major areas of stress, where we lived, larger house, safer location, she no longer commutes or works much, kids are not in daycare, but found her starting to stress about smaller things more. Now I don’t worry too much about the stress points and work more on standing up for myself and correcting bad behavior. Stress is a trigger, but they need to get to a point where they know how to deal with it as it will always be there. Stress is a part of life.
Candi,
I would get a gun if I were you and learn how to shoot it.
Yep Panda I agree. I feel like im always looking over my shoulders, We have a 14 yr old son to, but he’s making this divorce a nightmare. 23 yrs of marriage.
My son in law and daughter moved in with me and he has a gun, were suppose to go out and hes going to teach me to shoot it. Yep dont trust him.
wow – this is where i consider myself extremely fortunate!!! guns??? am glad i live in the UK we dont have the issue of anyone having a gun in the house (well of course some do i guess) and if they did i would just be a total nervous wreck. also i think i’d definately learn to shoot it properly!! OH i just remembered that my bf freind had a hunting gun – a rifle thing, and my bf aimed it at me and i felt so uncomfortable, but didnt want to show him i was scared or didnt like it, i just told him to aim it somewhere else, definately a control thing. but he laughed and said it wasnt even loaded! erm not the point i’d say!?
oh candi, really take care luv
M xxx
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html
Although treatments differ according to the type of personality disorder, some general principles apply to all treatments. Because people with a personality disorder usually do not see a problem with their own behavior, they must be confronted with the harmful consequences of their maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. Thus, a therapist needs to repeatedly point out the undesirable consequences of their thought and behavior patterns. Sometimes the therapist finds it necessary to set limits on behavior (for example, people might be told that they cannot raise their voice in anger). The involvement of family members is helpful and often essential because they can act in ways that either reinforce or diminish the problematic behavior or thoughts. Group and family therapy, group living in designated residential settings, and participation in therapeutic social clubs or self-help groups can all be valuable in helping to change socially undesirable behaviors.
Because personality disorders are particularly difficult to treat, choosing a therapist with experience, enthusiasm, and an understanding of the person’s areas of emotional sensitivity and usual ways of coping is important. Kindness and direction alone do not change personality disorders. Psychotherapy is the cornerstone of most treatments and usually must continue for more than a year to change a person’s maladaptive behavior or interpersonal patterns.
In the context of an intimate, cooperative doctor-patient relationship, people can begin to understand the sources of their distress and recognize their maladaptive behavior. Psychotherapy can help them more clearly recognize the attitudes and behaviors that lead to interpersonal problems, such as dependency, distrust, arrogance, and manipulativeness.
does anyone think that we can do the same as a therapist for them? ie, setting limits etc? it is just like dealing with a big child? any one seen jo frost who is super nanny, next time mine comes back i am going to speak to him like she would and just tak absolutely NO crap. its so hard breaking habits of a lifetime and although toughening up this is not happening as fast as i’d like.
again panda, you are so right, i have been getting tougher for a year now, seemingly not enough for it to stop, but i notice now after what you said that he is upping the ante and i really feel he is testing my resolve, and seeing if i can be consistent. aarrrghhhhhhhhhhh.
M xxxxxxx
@Panda,
Thanks,
we just had another ‘conversation’ and I can’t tell you how relieved I feel now that I don’t care. He was supposed to make a phone call and didn’t want to do it. I just said that he was supposed to keep up his end of the bargain. He said he would call and he should. He said he was sick and I said, “We are all sick and in need of help.” The conversation went on this way. He got irritated a bit but not angry. Even though I am happy to help, I just don’t care about the drama any more and I am sure that attitude is clear.
I will try to get across bit by bit that he may be sick but there is no excuse for bad behavior.
I know there will still be cycles but I will not be the same.
Never thought I would have to go through something like this,
I knew his dad killed him mom before I married him, that was 23 yrs ago, I was 17 when we got married, big mistake. But all these yrs everything was fine, We had a great time together, we didnt go anywhere with out the other, Then 2 yrs ago I had to go through a surgery, female issues, and then at the sametime I found out he was involved with a 24 yr old and he was 44 at the time, and after that time he totally changed, he became a person I had no clue who he was, we walked on eggshells, he said he broke things off with her and then in sept. 2009 he up and walked out for her, and she doesnt even want him, so his life is falling apart, I look back and there were signs of bp but I never understood it, so after he left I put it all together, all the lies, he makes up off the wall stories, hes very mean, he will talk to me a mile a min. and run circles around me, and change the subject 10 times, and now things are just getting worse, I had to block my email address from him, I blocked his phone number from my cell phone, he would send me texts and email saying how his bimbo is more of a women then I ever was or will be, and telling me next time I go for my cancer check up that he doesnt feel sorry for me if something is wrong, he has never talked to me like that,
But now he just canceled a court order mediation for child custody, I couldnt believe he did that, I guess they think they can do anything they want, crazy stuff.
Trusturgut,
How are things going? How is she taking the loss of the bonus for her case? Do they care about things like that?
Until I came here I was always trying to lower the triggers, or what I thought was triggers. But I can see one has to deal with the issues and forget the rest. As even small things set them off, the triggers will never go away.
Candy/ I do not want to scare anyone But I refuse to be quiet on this. You guys are the best people. Each of us trying our damndest to help out the ones we fell in love with. We have all in our hearts and our minds determined this is what life has given us and if its meant to be then we will do our best to stay. I had even decided at one point I would marry this girl good or bad.. take her kids in and treat them just like they are my own. I have found out that there are so many people with one form of this or another. Its almost like its a dirty little secret. I think there are so many people in high places with this that it is them who prevent this from getting out to the general public. Lawers. Drs. Accountants.. How many in other high places? Hollywood? A good friend of mine who is divorcing her abusive husband told me he has BP and has phyically and mentally abused there daughter. Another friend that wanted to date me but I had a bad feeling about her because of her behavior I was told is also BP. The woman in divorce told me her soon to be x husband just told her if he had a knife he would jam it through her chest. These were his exact words to her. I would use exstrem caution and do not let your guard down and maybe get a order of protection if you are threatend. Hold firm but dont push and dont show fear. Its almost like being in a tiger cage..And to english lady more crimes are prevented by guns then what the news tells us. if guns are taken from the regular people then only the bad guys will have guns…Remember criminals do not follow laws and that is why they are criminals.
Robert, As I have found out since he left from my son, he likes to make up stories that has something to do with stabbing, he told my son that when he was in high school that a kid walked up to him and stab him in the leg, that was a lie, and the other about his dad stabbed him in his side before his dad went and killed his mom, my mom told me that one, my whole family knew that lie but me.
What scares me is this whole divorce isnt going his way and now he is scrambling and he might finally know hes about to lose everything and it freaks me out,
Im even scared to date, we have been split up for 7 months and there is other fish in the sea, i just turned 40 and would like to see whats out there but whats he going to do if he sees me with another man, do they really care.
He said the reason why he left to was cause he couldnt take other men looking at me, so how do i read into that.
Its all crazy, I bought a powerball ticket for that 170 million lottery tonight, would be nice. I would move and never see that crazy person again.
Candy/….Thats intresting about him saying he broke it off with you because he could not take other men looking at you. My troubles may have begane with opening up my face book page to her. She said somthing about me having other woman on it. I explained that she has men on hers and the woman on mine iv known since school. Then she sort of shyed away from it. She posted a sad looking picture of herself on FB made me put that we are in a relationship together and then came up with diffrent ways to try and start fights with me and then she dumped me.. I think the jealousy turned into hate. Within hours of her dumping me she posted a picture of herself giving the most evil looking smile I have ever seen. Pure hate. After that she went completly off the wall. in the end the reason she said I had to go was because her 10 yr old son demanded it..As man of the house..lol SNow she comes back after 2 and a half months and and told me again that we cant see eachother anymore and shes over me…. what the hell was that? They give very deep thought into everything they do. The only trouble is what they think does not make any sence or is just plan weird.. I sent her a few links to cognitive therapy . Bipolar disorder. a link on how to make and keep friends. and the story of a kid and his dog..Old yella…. lmao and I hope she gets the hint..
Michelle,
I’m also writing from the UK and gob smacked by the mention of guns. I take the point though that they can be preventative though – last year I was on the bus at night and a fight broke out – it didn’t phase me at all because well you know the Brits are always bashing each other about (lol) but my mother in law was terrified because she expected guns to be pulled. I just don’t think of it, lots of knives here but few guns.
Robert, omg the stuff she did is the same as my ex did, he tried everything to start fights with me, any man I talked to, even my sons baseball coach, I was screwing. It seems like they are very insecure people, I have been blamed for everything under the sun, he even took my 22 yr old daughter and told her I was screwing some guy 15 yrs ago, so not true. Before I was afraid to stand up to him and I swear when I was served with divorced papers I went and got the best divorce lawyer in town and now he doesnt like it cause he has no control over me anymore, and with him loosing control of everything, it scares me. But im not going to let him walk all over me in this divorce, and now the tables are turned, and I call him out on everything and I think that is why he canceled that mediation for our son so he doesnt have to be face to face with me. plus I am going to let the mediator know about his mental issues, im hoping the courts will make him see a shrink, of course its not going to fix our marriage, i refuse to every be with him again or another bp person but he is the father to our 2 kids, and I will not let him have contact with my son cause who knows what he could do, and another thing he was in the military for 22 yrs, and now works for the gov. with a security clearance making damn good money, explain to me how then can keep there jobs going but there crazy when they leave work or only to us spouses/gf or bfs. go figure
I really think that they get themself to the point where they really truly do not care at all.. 99% of this thread are people like us trying to deal with people like them and we are here for the same reason..We have been hurt to the point of looking for answers on the internet.. instead of just running away.. yes every one of them has a great job.. or had a great job.. The insecurity I dont think is the same as ours. I think they hold themself in such high regard that instead of being hurt they are infuriated. Like how dare they do this to me! Then they sucker punch you and they like it… My girl did not want help and avoided talking about it.. When she is in her manic phase she is invincible.. and waits out the deprsion phase knowing the next full moon is right around the corner… They go through a lot of work thinking up this stuff.. And if it dont work the first ten times they will continue until they get what they are after. I failed her trying to set me up atleast three times before she came up with the crazy reason to let me go..lol each time I would slip out of her trap she would stare like a deer cought in the cars headlight.. And now on a lighter note did you know they give great messages? LMAO…. Also go throught there pictures and look at the happy time pictures and then look at there face.. They all sad when they should be happy.. And happy when they should be sad… And hey I desurve to get a laugh on there exspance that reject tryed to destroy me… She texted me 50 times a day and a hundred phone calls right before she pulled her crap.. Guess she wanted to really bring me way up high before dropping me to the ground.. This way it would hurt me more.
Robert heres me email address, this is a pain. ccyuma4@aol.com. Everything you talk about is so my life, there the same people and i agree with the pics
Michelle,
Guns don’t kill people…people kill people.
Unfortunately in England and other places that outlaw guns, it is the criminals with the guns. It also is the culture here in the states. We are brought up liking cowboys and indians and GI Joe. Where I live, we are the 3rd safest state in the country and have been in the top 3 for 16 straight years. Our state probably has more guns per capita than any other state, yet so few murders.
You won’t get there overnight and you might even have relapses when you do, but believe me, being aware of it puts the wheels in motion. Don’t worry, you will get better at it. Last night for instance my wife was insisting on me helping out our sons little league coach. Not much, but she was kind of pushy, so I enforced the boundary…it is my responsibility if I was to help out or not. It came automatically without me really thinking about it. What I have noticed is slights go less unnoticed now than they did before. I will get a quicker sense of anger when my boundaries are crossed, allowing me to quickly enforce them. I do beleive we can help out quite a bit, but I am not sure we can replace them taking responsibility and getting help. They have to face the demons to fix themselves, though once again, I am certain what I am doing is having a great impact on my wife’s behavior.
Audre,
That is awesome. Just remember to show love as well. That was hard for me as I would be a stone in order to enforce my boundaries but had a hard time coming around and letting down my guard enough to compliment or say nice things.
Candi,
Learn how to shoot it, put only pull it out if you are prepared to pull the tirgger if you need to, otherwise the gun could end up being used on you. I have heard that they attack in mean ways because they feel hurt by us. That doesn’t mean we did anything wrong, just that they are super sensitive. It also doesn’t mean we have to take the abuse. Good luck.
@Panda
It is amazing to me that I suddenly turned around my way of thinking. It was probably simmering in the back of my mind anyway and just needed reinforcement from someone like you who had seen and done it all and knew the ropes, so to speak.
He never gets manic but is in an up phase at the moment. This is the reason why I am unsure that he is bipolar. When his is in the up phase, he is always down on himself. I understand that bipolars feel they can conquer the world when they are manic.
Yesterday he told me that people, always thought that he was a good doctor but he know that he was the worse doctor in the world.
I tried to tell him that perhaps the people knew more than he did. Maybe he should consider that he was not as bad as he thinks he was. But I don’t push my luck in the conversation department because he is always right.
Bipolar or not, he has many of the symptoms. Anyway, I am playing it by ear.
@Robert, when you talk about full moon, was that just a figure of speech or did it have some significance. For some strange reason my son is different during the full moon.
Audre/ I used it because when she last went wacky on me it was a full moon and she reminds me of a warewolf or Dr jeklyl and Mr hyde because of the changes that take place so fast and so diffrent..
Last night I was dreaming about jiffy pop pop corn.. I swear I could smell it cooking.. I knew I could hear the popping corn.. I woke up to see a strange light threough my window. The popping was loud.. My garage was on fire!
I rushed outside and grabbed the garden hose and put the fire under control the best I could went into the garage and removed the gasoline cans.. The fire started back up thick heavy smoke I could hardly breathe. I continued with the hose trying to put the fire out it had climed its way up the walls and was settling into the roof. I had to close one slideing door to get to the burning roof. Dropped the hose and decided to save my two motorcycles. got the bikes and took in some fresh air and fought the fire out. Fire trucks showed up and they tore my garage apart with picks and axes. I have no idea hoe it was lite. and the fireman and police could not find a reason for the fire. I hope it was not you know who.. Cleaning up the mess today
Audre,
It is life changing because some of the principles can be used in other relationships too. You will only benefit from the change.
Look into borderline too. I used to beleive my wife was bipolar as well until I started seeing my therapist who believes my wife is borderline. Of course you will never know until you get the diagnosis. In any case, it doesn’t really matter for you, only them. For you, it sounds like you are doing great. Keep it up!
Lost and Found,
Sorry about your garage. Any idea what area it started in?
Michelle,
Since I love researching things. I just found out that the US isn’t as dangerous as everyone thinks. In fact, the UK has a higher murder rate per capita than the US, they just murder people with things other than guns. The UK had more rapes and actually had more crimes overall per capita than the US. I was expecting the US to be above almost everyone, but as it turns out we are in the middle somewhere. Maybe if people in England were packing, criminals there might think twice.
Not trying to bash England Michelle as much as make a point that the US isn’t as dangerous as many think.
@Robert
OMG I am so happy you were not hurt. As for you know who, I can’t imagine that anyone would be capable of doing such a thing. But I am afraid I am finding out that I don’t know much.
Be careful then and keep us posted.
I really really really do not think she would have done the fire. She didnt like the bikes and would not even sit on one but I dont think she would have the gall to do that.
If the moon can raise and lower tidal waters maybe it changes pressure in people heads? The full moon thing? I have no idea? There is lots I dont know about this disorder.. But I am sure she is gone now. Happy to stay un attached to any man and out with her slutty friends drinking and who knows what.. I just hope she is happy…
Cops and fireman could not find the cause but it appears to have started outside the garage. I was not hurt the bikes are ok and insurance will pay for the rest. Her son the fire bug is too young to have been this far away from home late at night so I cant see it being him. Maybe someone flicked a cigerrette butt in the leaves around the side of it. maybe thats what I get for poking fun at her saying she a bipolar bear..
Lost and Found,
Good of you to wish her happiness despite what she has put you through, but you can almost guarentee that overall, she will not be happy unless she gets help.
Cigarettes start lots of fires. I remember a guy I worked with had his fathers BMW parked outside our building. It caught fire, apparently from a cigarette and some trash that happened to be under it. They start brush fires all the time off highways and roads. Still, there is a part of you that I am sure wonders if it was her or her son or both. After seeing what my wife is capable of, I would put nothing beyond her capabilities.
Good that it was your garage and not your house. Still sucks though.
I really think she will never seek help.By the way her family acts towards her I would say they have all given up. She just loves the high part of it too much.. and she will not really tell any guy she may find about it.. Seems to me once the secret gets out she is gone and onto the next.. not a very pretty way to live for such a young girl but she could have kept me and chose to blow me off.. everything has a reason.. And I really do wish her the best..
For my next girlfriend I would like to find someone who has been through all this and tryed to stick around and help. I think who ever that is would be a great partner and I would be able to live a really sweet life helping eachother. The biggest fear I had about staying with the BP girl was that she could never be there for me in an emergency or for anything that may include some stress or what ever.. When someone says they have moved on what does that mean? she found someone else already?
ooooh its all very interesting. as for the full moon thing my other used to say i changed when there was one, however, i was a little reluctant to believe anything she says, but yeah maybe, somehow by my own mood i always seem to have a feeling when its a full moon and when i look out hey presto there one is!! hmmm not that i would ever agree with her tho. i have never heard about the full moon and water thing, i will look into that.
robert, omg how awful for you. am glad you are ok. and panda when you said you knew what your wife was capable of i remembered stuff. my car always seemed to have a problem with it when my Bf/BP was around, there were always cracks in the windscreen or a problem with the breaks or the water pump, i thought i was imagining things when i thought it was him and maybe i am, but each time i see him now, he always without fail asks me how the car is running, well since i havent seen him, it has been fine. however, then i worry about my own sanity, but afer all thats what i’m supposed to be doing isnt it, thats waht they make us do.! ? not only that, his freinds always seemed to have a crisis, someone had rang the council about this, that or the other, and he always seemed to be around to offer advice shortly afterwards, again i thought is it my mind or what? but since i have only felt tath way since being with him and no one eals and not since we have been apart – i wonder. i think they cause secret mayhem in other peoples life out of sheer boredom!
panda, no i dont think america is worse than the uk, i have a sister who lives in largo, so i know a little bit about america. the english do panic about guns, thats cos we arent used to them. i do note the points you mention and have to agree, maybe normal people do need them to keep the baddies away – i dont know.
robert and candi, yes mine was exactly the same on FB, as soon as i got one male on, he asked me who the hell it was, it was a freind from school who i hadnt seen or heard from in about 10 years, and now live nearly 400 miles away, so he got a FB account and proceeded to add freinds to his list, and i think he had around 150 friends on and added women on who he didnt ven know and used to chat to them. i have caught him going through my phone, i have never cheated, i have caught him with other women, 2 that i know of, and found him on numerous dating sites, and found 40 women on his msn that he chatted to, i have found porn sites he goes on, omg looking at all this what the heck am i doing, do i really love this man, or am i really just a total co dependant who is using him for my own needs, who is obsessed with him as he said??? well – now i feel i can honestly answer that – after this last year. yes i do love him, and no i am not obsessed, but i can well see where he was coming rom when he said those things to me now, i was needy and desperate for anyone to love me, NOW i still know that i love him, and realise that all the things he did were not intended to hurt me even though they did. and now i am not prepared to run up his arse like i did and be treated as a doormat. i was never ever a forgiving person, not ever about anything. now i have learnt to forgive myself for my trespasses, i speak to the kids grandmother, i speak to their dad and his wife, i also have spoken to my mother about issues i had with her, and you know waht to be totally honest, i would never of done all those things if i had not met my BP. so obviously he was in my life for a reason.
does anyone know how we enforce our boundaries when they ignore us? we can tell them we dont like it but then what? i also am learning to be more patient – this one kind of fails me.
M xxxxxxx
that is the funny thing robert, some one like me and you would probbly never be attrracted to each other, cos we wouldnt learn anything from each other, i think thats what its all about, we are getting hard lesson, and hopefully it’ll all be worth it eventually. be strong, do not let anyone cross your boundaries, listen totally when someone talks to you without even thinking what we are going to say back, learn about attachment and emotional stupidity, kim cooper has a little book on this, be honest and always calm, show love like panda said even though it is hard, otherwise we are proving to them that people dont love them when they are bad. and always remember that we have been picked for this role because we are strong and they need a strong person!! i have had a drink tonight, feel like have totally gone wrong now, only two glasses really fancied one, but when i drink all hell breaks loose, i gamble, etc etc, i know i’m not perfect, but hey who is, i used to beat myself up all the time. oh god i bought 10 cigarettes too, and gave up 6 weeks or so ago, what is getting to me i wonder, but each time i do this i get stronger and evn more determined!!!! i so know i need to pu myself right before i can even think about taking him on totally. i am going to find this fab post i bet you will all relate tooo. M xxxxx
http://www.gettinbetter.com/dance.html
here it is. i am just curious as to how many people can relate to this??
in fact i am going to post the whole thing
M xxx
HAVEN’T WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.
By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
http://www.GettinBetter.com
You’ve probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I’ll try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity’s sake, I discuss female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly be reversed, and may include same-sex unions–in fact, the prevalence of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within the gay community.
Relationship issues are universal–and homosexual men and women struggle with many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have never met a lesbian who didn’t have major issues with her mother–but that’s another article.
Many people who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing–yet these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently, “next time”). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon, is to understand the basis for these unwise relational choices, and that’s what this piece attempts to address.
It’s critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn’t it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that–it feels as if you’ve found your ‘soul mate.’ There’s a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they’ve played out in different ways for each of you–but the scars from that time remain, unless there’s been some serious core-focused therapy.
Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven’t resolved their respective childhood traumas, they’ll continually trample on each other’s emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.
It’s not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to engage–and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read elsewhere, anyone who’s actually done any work with borderlines would know this. Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other–but the mutual harm/damage that’s sustained by both parties in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal exposure. That’s why we call their behaviors, “crazy-making.”
THE ROOT OF ALL EVILS
Core injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy, and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the simplest of terms, core disturbance means that the hub of your wheel is broken or damaged in some fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised, all the spokes that emanate from that point, will be weak and susceptible to breaking under any amount of pressure. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
The Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits, with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc. The Borderline compensates for core deficits–but does it with her well-worn ability to seduce, for that is the only arena where she feels a true sense of mastery or self-confidence.
Borderlines grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted them.
A Borderline mother is often envious of her child’s achievements/successes, and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter’s romantic interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition with her offspring might begin very early, and strongly influence/derail the father-daughter bond.
A variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a Borderline’s core, and psychic trauma from this period can’t help but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and may be subconsciously sought after in adult attachments.
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
A narcissistic partner is more likely to prompt his borderline lover’s defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however, as while she’s yearning for his attention and affection, she experiences painful sensations that were confused/entwined with loving an unresponsive parent.
Both Borderlines and Narcissists associate love with painful longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away (push/pull) cycles with this couple. When closeness or engulfment fears become heightened/accentuated, either partner can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to push away. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences torturous shame. Thus begins his frantic pursuit to win her back. It isn’t that he’s needing her–he’s needing reprieve from his toxic abandonment shame, which began in boyhood.
I’m often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and this appears to be a very central concern during the course of these relationships–and afterward, when the discarded partner needs to cling to the ideation that they were in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation to longing and striving for their parent’s affection throughout childhood–and learned to interpret these difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Therefore, as soon as this painful craving is satisfied, their sensations of “love” evaporate! Chasing after partners who are married/attached or in some way emotionally or physically unavailable, keeps this yearning alive–and inhibits them from embracing a partner who’s actually able to provide love on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly attracted to someone who’s slightly out of reach, for this eases engulfment concerns (more on this, a bit further down).
It’s virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD lover has no real capacity for love, as during the ‘good times,’ he’s felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict–for this challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it’s supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents, confirmed his sense that he was valued by them–but these episodes were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can’t painfully yearn for someone who’s consistently present and available. It has also impaired his self-worth.
SO THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE’VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.
A chameleon’s coloring will change according to its surrounding environment; this lizard’s protective camouflage helps it capture its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities are chameleon-like–they’ll quickly discern what’s important to you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship. Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal senses that they’ve captured you, their normal colors return.
The molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate growth–it’s like outgrowing a T-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly, personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath their perfectly adoring veneer is a dark side they’ve hidden from you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you’re really theirs, this part emerges–and you spend the rest of your time in this dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person you fell for initially!
The Borderline’s captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore–particularly for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger women who’ve enlivened the Narcissist’s sense of grandiosity, along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed on the wife of many years–when it’s actually just a symptom of pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass. I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems with male physiology. In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue–not a physical one.
THE TAMING OF THE SCREW
The narcissistic male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ’s enthusiastic response to the female who’s awakened it from a deep slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she’s responsible for his newfound sexual prowess–and as such, they’re meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though, all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can’t allow himself to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here’s where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not consciously held by the Narcissist–it’s just an archaic defense mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.
A healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to not receive a phone call from her lover, the morning after an especially close/loving evening–but the borderline-disordered female interprets the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection. Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense, she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. She has been poised for this to happen anyhow–so she will imagine abandoning behavior, even when/where it doesn’t exist.
Now, the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering frantic, premature declarations of “love” from the Borderline. Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and irrepressible. The toxic shame that’s catalyzed when her impulsivity (in love) isn’t reciprocated, is intolerable–so she shames her partner via projections.
Sex can be the glue holding these two together, while their respective need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close. This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable; “what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?”
Hypersexuality in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is magnified when there’s been incest or sexual molestation during her childhood, because she was made to feel ‘special’ by accommodating/catering to an adult’s prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably linked to performance, and will continue–especially with rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty.
Your coupling may be sexually intoxicating–but that’s generally because it isn’t ‘safe’ (or possible) to connect in other domains of this relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled–and flows wherever and however it can. Even fighting can become a couple’s only means of connecting.
WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .
Narcissistic individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they’re passive-aggressive. They’re more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships, which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always the one in power–and the Borderline’s needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she’s the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses them; he’s the passive partner. Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner–or the Borderline. She’ll keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three year old when he takes a stand–even though she requires the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.
A Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself; honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses an uncanny ability for finding men who’ve built stable, flourishing lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried; when she discovers what’s behind your props, she cleverly uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain. Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers. The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed them blind.
When a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist, she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who’s a real traffic stopper–so he’s flattered out of his pants by the Borderline’s seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has craved this type of attention his whole life–even though he’s never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates an intriguing pattern that neither can resist.
Based on the Borderline’s emotional desperation, she might not choose men who’ve attained significant acclaim, stability or success. Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are the crux of these attractions. The greater your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally, psychologically, financially, etc.), the easier she can keep the upper-hand and control you–and it’s always about control for a Borderline.
Having been raised by narcissistic people who couldn’t respond to her needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels at home when she locates a partner who initially showers her with adoration–but then retreats, or finds fault with her. Girlhood longing for love was associated with pain, so she’s programmed to keep striving for that which cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of loving attention reactivates her core despair, so she settles for scraps of love, that echo her early conditioning. A lover who’s more available or responsive, doesn’t fit this paradigm–or inspire her passionate response.
The narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities–and whom in some manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment concerns–but the flip-side of being needed, is being engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because while it’s flattering, and mitigates his abandonment fears–it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.
His constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up by the Borderline’s needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge is lessened of course, by the Borderline’s continuous pattern of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist’s fear of engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these erratic (come here/go away) patterns–and would seek a female who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past the Honeymoon stage).
To contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed, he’s terrified of potential ramifications his departure might catalyze. He’s all too familiar with her acute instability, and frightened that she’ll either bring great harm to herself–or to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking, vandalism to their property, etc., when they’ve tried to flee these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it’s often easier to remain, than to leave–but this can spawn risks to his health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations. Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant from childhood individuation struggles.
AS THE TWIG IS BENT . . .
The mother of a Narcissist makes her son feel that he is the very center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong–but only when he’s perfectly responsive to her demands and wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she’s imbedded and fueled his grandiosity–even though he’s unable to discern why he’s so “special,” but has simultaneously implanted self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized. This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that’s unattainable–but uncomfortable/bored with a female who can provide loving constancy.
The Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both) her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him into the arms of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for attachment.
If a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he’ll be drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will retraumatize him. It’s also possible that he might select a female who’s relatively devoid of those features, and with whom he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits–but even the Waif must exert control over her partners.
Men raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection and closeness–and turning away from those who are able to offer genuine love and care.
A Borderline’s needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood, which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only received praise for her looks, or being the “perfect” little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem. Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got, and jealous of the connection she shared with her father–or any male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense of Self, especially when it threatened the mother’s sense of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First, they view them as threats–and second, there’s such primal rage left over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred onto all other women. For the Borderline, even minor disappointments can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any type.
The Borderline’s perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures, which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she views her physical being–and she believes that if she fixes all her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable. She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings, jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful procedures, which is part of their appeal–very much like self-cutting or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.
Extreme, unresolved rage issues toward Mother, may catalyze a Borderline’s detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self, and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism and sexual reassignment surgeries. She can continue searching for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction–but happiness is an inside job. With each attachment to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived. Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and a Borderline will usually triangulate relationships with partners who are–for an available/responsive lover doesn’t trigger painful sensations associated with longing and yearning for love that’s unrequited.
The Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her–but while she might seek these elements in a male, she’s really looking to mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are displaced onto romantic partners–but as she begins to feel that they can actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive–and so is her retreat.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
To their partner, the Borderline’s behaviors seem counterintuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; “If they’re so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?” Here’s my analogy: If you’ve chosen never to go through a divorce, ’cause you’ve seen the destruction it’s wreaked in other’s lives–wouldn’t you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn’t allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that might follow, if they do! You will not change this.
The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough–but she’ll push you away, the minute that you do. Quite literally, you’re damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don’t! This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be satisfied. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly toxic to you.
When you’ve grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent’s needs, and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood, you’re pretty confident you’ll turn this deal around–if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you’ve accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it’s needing to be healed. Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.
i hope you all read this, i know its long, its got about the people pushing people away, i wondered if i was borderline or narcissistic, and i still do. i have so many traits, of everything, i never once thought i was afraid of intimacy, yet maybe i am. feed back gratefully received.
M xxxx
Lost and Found,
I think when they say things like that, ie. “you mean nothing to me.” “I will be so much happier without you in my life.” “I am happier now that you aren’t around me.” or other mean and nasty choice words about how much we suck, it is because they are angry and hurt for whatever reason their brain imagined up, and to avoid getting hurt more, they portray themselves as not caring about us. My wife did this quite a bit. It is a sort of stubbornness. They don’t want to admit to you that they care about you or the loss of you, since that would put you in a position of power over them and their emotions in a way, so carry on as though you mean nothing to them. The fact is, if you meant nothing to her, why would she take the time to tell you that.
Was she trying to convince you or herself? In reality they are scared and weak human beings. The more you learn about them the more you almost pity them…or fear them. 
I am at the point where I just feel pity, and sometimes lots of anger, but the root cause of their actions is almost beyond their ability of control. That ability of control can be modified though. My wife is certainly getting better…so far…at controlling many of the outbursts that occurred on a regular basis. Now the question is, is it because I am there to keep her on the road (jersey barrier) or is the change more permanent. For instance, if I was gone, and she had a relationship with someone else, would she revert back to her old self? I am inclined to think that she would revert, because so far, I am the only one who has made changes. Real change has to come from my wife, and until she gets help, on her own, the benefits of my change will only apply to our relationship. That isn’t to say that I don’t think she isn’t learning valuable tid bits of information on responsibility or boundaries, but I think it might take more than that. Of course I could be wrong, maybe the changes are permanent and her brain is learning new ways to behave in certain situations.
my god panda – you really are making changes and you are a great help to us all. i am soo grateful to you. it really is how we treat them that will change their behaviour. my mother used to say to me – give you an inch and you’ll take a mile, how true that was. my parents were chalk and cheese, i ended up just like my dad, drinking, smoking, gambling and added a few more horrible habits on!!! my mother was a strict woman and dad did not beleive in discipline before the age of 5. wel i think before the age of 5 is where it really matters. when my dad died it was like having my right arm cut off, and after that i totaly lost the plot, then i started to change, a lot of things i have read say that when losing an abusing parent the child satrs to change, and thats when i did, yet i still disagreed that he was an abusing parent, we used to gang up on my mother between us and he used to say she was a dragon, i read about emotional incest, there was never anything sexual between me and my dad, but emotional was definately the thing, he trusted me more than her, relied upon me more and spoke to me more, oh my god i feel so guilty, yet tht is emotional abuse. the stories are long so to get a true look in i would have to speak for hours, but i think am relly undertanding a lot of stuff now. my dad was quite an emotionally cold man, yet as a child, i’d long for his attention, until i got it, be that him giving me 20 quid, that was his way of showing he cared, and there is a lot like us.
M xxxx
The Borderline’s perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures, which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she views her physical being–and she believes that if she fixes all her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable. She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings, jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful procedures, which is part of their appeal–very much like self-cutting or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.
from previous post!!!
JUST to quickly mention here, when i had the kids i ended up with stretch marks on my stomach, the kids dad never saw them, i never let him see, to me that would of been the worst thing ever, infact i never even told my dad that i get ny for fear of him thinking i was flawed. how unbelievable this is, yet i still am working through this problem, i now see how it is MY mind that has affected me, there is nothing the matter with me. my BP said i couldnt of loved him if i could not show him these, i am telling you this so that we can all look at ourselves, my attitude used to be well if you dont like it thats your problem, i am realising that beauty is ony skin deep, how true tht one saying is.
M xxxx
Michelle,
If they ignore you let them know that you don’t want to be ignored and find something to do without them. I joined the volunteer firefighter force in my town. I have tons of hobbies, so if my wife ignores me, I have plenty to do without her.
You hit the nail on the head about still loving them and keeping your cool. The fact is if you don’t keep your cool you will regret it like Lost and Found mentioned, but the fact is we have all been there. I know I have said things I wished I hadn’t, you end up regretting it because it gives weight to their accusations. Honestly, losing control gives them another bullet to shoot you with. Sorry about the gun analogy Michelle.
In all honesty I think most Americans view the US as less safe than most places, but the facts don’t support that. I blame the press.
I have read that before somewhere, can’t remember, was it on the coopers website?
panda, thankyou, i must be doing something wrong, i have to admit that initially i did tell him i dont like to be ignored and found four walls to look at, now i have said that it is not on to ignore me, and i went out all week end with different freinds and i got text messages saying i was trying to make him jealous by going out for somrthing to eat, and when i said we were watching a film on sat night he said i hope it floats your boat, then easter sunday, when went out with a diff freind on the sunday that was when he fell out with me, tl dme i was evil and had had to much to drink, this was three pm and i’d only been out since 1 and stayed out til later with friends including kids and had something to eat. grrrrr.
no that wasnt on the coopers website that one, i found it ages ago, i just found it in my favourites when i remembered something.
oh panda a million and one times have i regreted saying things, turning like a viper like he used to say, and yes that is all it does for us is add weight to their accusations, how true, but kim cooper says they do it as they need us angry to justify their bad behaviour, then we get the old chestnut – well you did such and such…blah blah… i wont let that happen anymore. i know he showed his freinds angry texts of mine and made me look like the lunatic, they dont speak to me now, but i am not bothered, as i know the truth, erm actually it does still bother me a litle but not like it used to. thts what they do, make us look like the aggressors, well not anymore.
M xxxx
You did nothing wrong Michelle. If he is ignoring you, what are you supposed to do, sit around and sulk until HE decides to talk to you or do something with you? You did nothing wrong. Sometimes you need to hear that lest you think you are the bad one like they try and make you out to be. You can offer to do things with him and if he rejects you, well you offered. Then when he says you never want to spend time with me or whatever he says, then you can simply say that isn’t true, I offered to do ____ and ___ with you and you refused. Then if he gets out of hand or all fired up you can walk away saying you don’t want to be treated poorly.
I understand the twisting words and such. I know my wife would make me out to be a monster to her family. Taking what I said out of context, bringing friends into our arguments. I would sometimes find her saying so and so thinks you are being a jerk.
I am sure her friends got one side of the story, and a very twisted one at that. As for her family, thank god they knew enough about me to doubt it a little, but like the saying goes, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I am sure the thought may have crossed their minds, you never know how people really are. The more in control of my emotions I became the less ammo she had in her gun 
I honestly noticed a huge improvement due to that, add the fact that I started feeling in the right since when you lose control and say or do things you regret, you lose sight of the fact that YOU were the one that was being abused. Before I would find myself apologizing for saying mean things, but why did I say those mean things, because she said mean things. 
Take the higher road, you will feel better emotionally as well as spiritually, and have a better grasp of reality. Let your emotions get out of control and it gets harder to show your partner that they are the ones acting crazy. This is hard stuff, because instincutally if you are like me you want to lash back out at them. DON’T! It won’t do you an ounce of good. It may feel good at first sticking up for yourself, but 1) there are better and more civilized ways of doing that and 2) they WILL use it against you.
I have a question for everyone willing to respond. Do you notice that your loved one holds onto slights/things we did wrong for a looooong time? Like they are a security blanket or a fireax box to break in case of emergency. The old standby assaults that they will use on us when we prove that they are acting like fools. Just curious.
I think Kim is right. Clearly they are trying to portray us as evil, that goes without saying. If we act out agressively due to the mean things they say or do, in their minds, that is justification enough for treating us badly and reinforces the belief or whatever you want to call it that we are evil. A chicken or the egg type situation but the end result is they are right…at least in their minds and whoever they can convince.
Michelle,
I wondered the same things myself, what to do when they are in stonewalling rejection mode. I don’t know if there are any answers but if you can manage it use that time for yourself and try to focus on the stuff that reminds you who you are – it is so easy to get lost in their demands all the time and you need to take strength from reminding yourself you exist and matter. Maybe try to take time to remember who you are.
I’ve been thinking a lot about narcissism lately and it is as if a light has been switched on that I can’t turn off. Ever since I read about it I’ve noticed that absolutely everything that my husband says is in some way self-referential or relates directly to his feelings and highly subjective impressions. I realised that this has been true throughout the entire relationship and I just can’t stop noticing it now. It fits everything – everything that never made sense before makes sense when I look at it in this light. I don’t think he is capable of understanding someone else’s point of view. I’ve been so shocked by this realization that I’ve actually outright asked him to demonstrate to me that he can see something/anything from my point of view. I realise now that it never made sense before but he was never able to describe to me what other people are like. I always thought he just didn’t like doing it or felt put on the spot when I was asking but I now think he actually can’t really empathise even when he wants to. I don’t know what that means for me – in a way I don’t really exist in this relationship other than as an extension of himself. It has come as quite a shock but it also fits everything that has happened between us and many other things. He is always troubled because he cannot understand why other people are behaving the way that they are – I just thought he was cynical and a bit misanthropic. I realise that he can’t attribute personality characteristics when describing people, only their appearance.
I don’t think this is the only thing wrong with him. I think he is bipolar and possibly other things too – at the moment he is manic but telling me he loves me and is in love with me, wants more children, will never be angry again, etc, all very ideal. Thing is I can’t switch this off now so I just can’t stop being aware that everything is about him and always has been. Even when we first met the things that I thought were so romantic at the time were actually his telling me how he felt about me and my arrival in his life. Its a sobering realisation.
@Zuki, you are describing my son. And like you I have had a light switched on. I used to think that given time he would see me as a mother and, above all, a person. I now realize that he will never be able to do that unless something changes drastically. He has got to want change for himself and as long as someone meets his needs he will just coast along forever.
I used to stay around and talk to him when he was in a good mood, thankful for small gifts. Today, I didn’t; I just left and ignored him. It is hard to do that at some level. He is still a human being. But he is a human being that thinks only of himself and I have to let go of the fantasy that I matter to him in any way.
It is quite sobering but, at the same time, liberating. The realization that there is nothing one can do to relieve their suffering frees one from the notion that one is doing something wrong and if one could just do it right all would be well.
Panda,
The slights that mine holds on to are things he remembers me saying, twisted and taken so far out of context as to loose all meaning. One of his favourites quotes is me saying ‘people get married for many reasons’ – for him this is evidence that I pressured him into marriage for the wrong reasons. He conveniently forgets that he spent weeks asking me in sessions of several hours at a time, over and over again, ‘why do people get married?’ never satisfied with the many and various answers I came up with. In the end I said it is sheer exasperation. He also holds it against me that before we were married I had wanted to get married to him – and often says this as an accusation, but conveniently forgets my standard response of … erm, yes, that is what generally happens when someone has asked you to marry them and you’ve said yes!
The exasperation is enough to drive you insane. I sometimes ask him who he is performing to because we were both there and both know what really happened. There isn’t much point though. He doesn’t learn.. no matter how many times I have been able to labour away at a point to make him remember that it wasn’t quite as simple as he remembers, even where he has eventually admitted it, he will just snap back again. There is no winning and in the end I feel like I’m arguing with myself or with the walls. Then I realise that it was a conflict that he was seeking and I’ve just been fooled into playing along again. Anything to avoid facing reality.
audre,
I think that because you are his mother then he probably does love you but that is no excuse for not treating you with respect. I don’t know to what extent they really do love others, although I imagine (being a mother myself) that relationship is very deeply a part of us. I think my husband does love me on some level but he lacks the capacity to see beyond his overwhelming feelings and difficulties so they take over his mind like a fog.
That said, I may be trying to comfort myself :/
Candi,
In addition to the advice about getting a gun, also you could learn some self defence. I know it sometimes gets bad press – when people say it doesn’t really stand up to street fighters and all that, but when it comes to domestic situations the difference between actually being able to throw a punch and not being able to do so could really save your life.
Zuki
Oh I can kick his ass if he lays a hand on me, I have done taebo for yrs, I think I have more muscles then him but he is a trained marine and knows how to use a gun and thats what scares me.
Heres what I have just been told, my neighbor just seen him and he said my husband is skinny and looks stressed out, now is that due to the mania? He wasnt skinny when we split. Plus he thought he would serve me with divorce papers and I wouldnt fight back cause he has controlled me for yrs, so hes getting raked over the coles now and its like hes scrambling and divorce isnt what he thought it was.
Put it this way, hes going to lose everything, and I think he has finally seen what his life has became. He has no contact with his kids, his kids hate him, but I dont feel sorry for him cause he has to know what he is doing and made screwed up choices.
For me Im loving the single life, we have been split for 7 months now and Im ready to finally try and date and move on, but I do have a 14 yr old boy that I have to respect, men are going to have a hard time getting through him, hes very protective of mom. But Im finally seeing there is normal men out there, and I refuse to every be with a man who has any mental problems, life is to short to deal with anymore of that bullshit.
And the lying, my god he is lying to the lawyers and courts now, I was told he has lied for yrs to get what he wants or to get out of things, so he is going to keep doing it through this divorce, I guess I can just sit back and let him burn his self.
My latest…
We went to a comedy show night – I picked her up – had drinks – saw the show – a great night. She invited me back to her place and we fell asleep on her couch. I slept with my arms around her – in the morn I said ‘was it strange having me here’ – she said it was but very familiar too.
The next morn she brought up the relationship. Said she still needs ‘space’ but what if this is the end? I said would she consider counselling? She said she’ll think about it. She said she thinks it could be a mistake to go back with me because I wasn’t keen on having kids. Told her this was not the case at all and reiterated my commitment to them (her biological clock is kicking in – she’s 37).
She brought up this ‘rut’ / ‘routine’ we had got caught up in – just told her we weren’t communicating / talking enough. She seems v. stuck on this. But then said – ‘but we had a great night’ – I said this was because we were seeing each other with fresh eyes again / having fun / like starting out again.
When I was going she seemed to retreat a bit – said she wasn’t sure about counselling – asked if I knew any good ones and why should we go? Told her they can help get us out of that rut and give us some tools to use. She said ‘why cant we do this ourselves’? Said ‘we can’! Then she asked for ‘no pressure’ either way – I said ‘of course’. We hugged and I left.
Later that night she called to see how I was – told her I was OK. Said she hadn’t made a decision on counselling – I said ‘thats OK lets have no expectations on each other’ and maybe we could hang out on the w/end.
Scott
Hi everyone,
Has anyone has any experiences with their partners and seraquel? (sp?) My boyfriend just got put on that, and ever since he is very easily angered. It’s only been two days though.. lol. Today we were discussing going camping with our 4 friends and he didn’t want to go. We got in a minor argument about it, and then I went to use the restroom and when I came out he was gone. In less than 45 seconds he has changed his clothes, went down the stairs and had left. I talked to him later, he went to his mom’s and said I was stressing him out, he was upset and couldn’t turn his anger into depression. This was just odd because he has taken off before, but when we had a really big fight. I can feel our relationship falling apart, and I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. He claims he does, but something in the way he’s been acting makes me feel otherwise. It’s so hard because I want to fix our relationship but I can’t if he isn’t or won’t be there emotionally. >.<
Michelle/ That was some peice you put on here about the borderline/Narcissist couple. I dont feel I am a narcissist but then again the bipolar dont thing they have it either
But id say that pretty much sums it up.. Great peice I have sent it to my other e-mail to save..
Whats up with Bipolar woman always wanting to have kids with you? My xgf always brought up having more kids with me even though we both already have kids from previous marriage. She was talking about having kids even as she made an appointment to have her tubes tyed. And always talking about getting married to me even though she started a entire fight with me one day about me forcing her to get married? I think she was about as far north as a person can get in this BP thing.. I hope no one is offended when I call em Bipolar bears.. To me its just a way to put a cute name to something that is not so cute at all.. I used to tell her that her running away reminded me of a baby deer.. very skittish and awkward.. Dumb ass me thought it was cute at first
But as time went on her full rang of emotions revealed a polar bear that is no longer so cute once you get past the looks 
@Robert, I think it is the result of their saying the first thing that comes to their mind. When they say it they mean it but the thought does not last long. When my son is feeling a little less depressed he talks about going back to work and doing something for me. As soon as the mood changes he either doesn’t remember or doesn’t feel the same any more.
It makes no sense but I have learned that if he asks for something if I give him a task to get the ball rolling he forgets about it.
I actually have a little problem going at the moment. I asked what he wanted for his birthday. He gave me the link to a website selling natural products and I ordered one of the products. I paid through Paypal so I thought it was alright. Now I have gotten an email saying they are sorry they haven’t sent out the product because their method of shipping is unreliable. Now they only ship USPS. The only trouble is I paid $30.00 for USPS shipping when I ordered. So, I am thinking it may be a scam and they may be stalling me until the 60 days to file a PayPal claim is past. I experienced that once with a company from China.
My son doesn’t want to discuss that issue. Perhaps he has already forgotten it, or can’t be bothered. I don’t know how their minds work. Like you say there is no logic, as we know logic.
I guess for you guys who have known your partners for years and slowly eased into the changes with them it may be easyer for you to handle. But in my case I walked right into a well established and set in her ways bp. She would go from so warm and sweet to so cold and cruel and this time she did not come back from it. Atleast to me
I do believe its a good thing she has let me go because I would not have walked away on my own and I started falling into her cycles but with me it was very happy and then very sad. I do think certain people like myself can become some sort of bipolar just from being with them 
@Robert
I think, as Panda says, the key is not to react to it. I understand that is easier said than done but when we react we validate the thinking that we are the evil ones. Anyway, it is no good to talk because they are right and we are wrong; talking is just a waste of breath. What I do now is ask questions. Why? How? Is there any proof?
Lost and Found,
Actually easing into it makes it so you don’t know what is happening. It is like putting a frog in a pot and turning up the heat, the frog won’t leave, but if you drop the frog in boiling water, it will jump out. You immediately saw what was happening and that it was out of the ordinary. For some of us what you discovered over a short period of time took us years, maybe a decade before we started to see it as bizarre behavior. Before we couldn’t make any more excuses for the bad behavior.
Audre,
It is true they say what they feel at that moment, but when they are angry it is usually so biting and cold because the anger they feel is so strong. If someone hurt you, you might internalize and possibly say something out of anger, but if someone hurt a bp, they would go the extra mile to vent that anger, saying things you wouldn’t dream of saying and doing things you wouldn’t dream of doing. Add to that it takes very little to upset them. They feel to the extremes, up or down, anger or sadness. Don’t forget, they when they are happy they can say the nicest things you wouldn’t dream of saying either. Let’s not forget that. They aren’t always evil. They can be angels too, if not I would guarentee none of us would be on here.
Zuki,
I am getting the feeling they hold onto our mistakes or percieved mistakes to use against us when they want to push us away. It is the old standby emergency kit of theirs. They never seem to truly trust that we will love them forever or not TRY to hurt them. I always tell my wife, I WILL hurt you, I can guarentee I will, I promise I will, but it won’t be on purpose. It is true, I will say something that maybe I shouldn’t, or maybe she will interpret in a way it wasn’t intended. People hurt people, that is a fact of life, but the ability to trust that those we love didn’t intend to is key to a strong relationship, as well as the ability to forgive.
Candi,
I think one of the symptoms of mania can be lack of eating. They can forget to eat. But it could be something else, for instance for me when I am depressed, I can’t eat. It wasn’t unusual for me to drop 30 pounds due to my wife leaving me.
@Panda
Yes they can say nice things when they are in a good mood. It is so easy to forget the bad, at least for me. This is my precious child and I love him; I would go to the ends of the earth to find a cure or some peace for him. But alas it is up to him to find solutions. I can only stand by helpless.
It is hard to tell about the eating. Sometimes he eats a lot and sometimes a normal amount. He always seems to eat enough, though perhaps too much chocolate cake. Like you I don’t eat when I am stressed. I have lost weight.
You are quite right! They hold onto everything. I often wonder if that is why their heads are so full… they don’t have a garbage bin for the junk.
Hi All,
I know it’s been a few days so I just wanted to chech in. She and her daughter actually left yest for the wkend so Im home alone. I was so tired by the time they left as a result of being up w/ her until 4am and then getting up @ 6:30am so they could get her daughter to school that last night I fell asleep around 5:30pm and didn’t get up til 7:30 this am.
The last few days have been exhausting. No surprise. She agrees that getting overwhelmed is a major trigger for her. The aggitation starts to reach a feverish pitch and she also has a hard time making decisions. She then wants me to make them but as you all can imagine if you make the wrong one there’s hell to pay, ‘you’re stupid, useless, etc’ my favorite was being called a moron once. That was a complete joke because she openly admits that she knows how smart I am. After the fact she denied even saying it claiming that she doesn’t even use that word. This all was a while ago though.
Before she left yest she was trying to be so good but you can also watch how hard it can be sometimes.
Here’s what a typical hour can look like for her. Weds we dropped off her daughter at therapy. Then went to go find a place to fax a 30p document to an atty. During that hour while driving to find the place she had 6 phone calls and had 15 texts. Her focus was slipping fast and I could tell one false move and she was going to come unglued and launch on me. If you mention esp in those moments to try to slow things down and/or simplify things she will say ‘this is my livlihood blah blah blah’. She will also start talking about other cases or things in her life that are painful or certainly have no relevance to what’s happening in the moment. I call her the queen of no segway. Periodically that day she would say to me ‘i went out a few times didn’t I?’ yup. That means she blacks out some what. Although she notices it’s not as deep or for as long. The meds and hormones help w/ that. But still trying to find the perfect combo for both.
She loves me I know she does and regardless of how we are defining ourselves to ea other right now we know we don’t want to be apart. I miss being phys close but it scares her too much because as soon as labels or intimacy comes in she feels more stress and becomes more nasty and/or runs. We are both committed to her daughter and maintain our focus there.
Going to do some things for myself now while they are away…
@Trusturgut,
Make the most of the time alone to rejuvenate.
I have got to ask the question again. Do you think meds help? If so, how?
I am reading a lot of negative things about meds, such as they lead to liver and kidney failure over time. Has anyone got any experience with this?
Trusturgut,
It can definately wear you out. Take the time to relax and re-energize.
The only thing that keeps me going is making sure I stand up for myself. When my wife gets critical of me or starts getting critical in general, I realize I need to enforce my boundaries and sate my reality. My wife will make assumptions and judge me on those assumptions, which are almost always wrong. In fact, not 5 minutes ago my wife calls me and starts getting critical of me and talking about how much she has to do. My mom is coming up to visit this weekend and it stresses my wife out. My wife is under the impression that I ignore her when my mom is up and how she thinks we treat her like a butler. I simply stated something very close to this:
“I am sorry you feel that way, but how I see it is you tend to hide in the kitchen cooking and doing other thigns to avoid being around my mom. I never ask or demand of you that you cook, and if you want to hang out, nobody is stopping you. I feel that I am not ignoring you but am spending time with someone other than you, and that is what is upsetting you. Nothing is stopping you from sharing the time I spend with my mom.”
The fact is she created a situation where she “can’t” hang out with me and my mom, and then blames us, me in particular for it. She has made decisions that “prevent” her from being able to hang out. She would rather it be my fault and not hers. She doesn’t want to spend time with my mom, so doesn’t, and then blames me. She is like this every time my mom visits. My mom is one of the nicest people you will meet, generally gets walked on by people, probably where I got it from.
Not any more. I am sure my wife feels guilt about what she has done to me and feels it especially around my mom, since my mom has seen what she has done. This weekend should be lots of fun. 
ia m going to have to read these tomorrow, i had wine to drink tonight – falllen by the wayside again for a bit til tomoorw, yo are my support group, you ar especailly helpful to me panda nad trusturgut, i wish i hadnt drank tonight, i fancied one, will be myself again tomoroow am just finding it all frustrating right now. i find it hard to stay strong even though i know its exactly what i need to do if i am going to do anything about it. M xxx
anyone seenn my back bone??/
i text and said hi____ are you still wanting to be left alone? M x he said ha f___in ha are you happy now i’m on me own, does tat make you ahppy? then one ten min leter says F____in hell, well are you happy, are ya? if you wnna talk ring me. i text and said, what do you mean ___? grrr this is soo frustrating, am finding it increasingly hard, hence drinking again tonight which is totally me, no one else to blame its just how i felt? can anyone advise if i did the wrong or right thing here?? i had no reply after that by the way and neither was i gonna keep pushing things like i used to as i am staying out of the karpman triangle!!!!!!! M xxx
karpmans trianglelooks more like a ring of fire
Just listning to a little J.cash and thinking what a wonderful world we have here
Panda you are deffinitly more fit for duty here then the rest of us… Your very smart and a little bit devious.. 
just the right mix to keep things going and turning a otherwise drab day into something fun. Almost three months its been and I have 2 pretty woman lined up to see… If they can spell karpmans backwards they get a second date … if not its adios 
Michelle you have found lots of great ideas in your reading. try to make sort of a game out of the boundries thing. say ok now im going to try this..then this… and this and see how it works.. ease up a little and turn things around. use the stuff that you read and apply it almost like its a game.. you guys could all wind up in worse shape then the people you are helping. panda told me about the oxygen mask on a plane story and it woke me up alot. I love all you guys and wouldnt want to see any of you go nutty trying to deal with this stuff read that story or poem thing michelle posted about the borderline/narcassist.. Thats us
Family meetings are always stressful in our house. We always have problems at Christmas, new year, birthdays, holidays, basically any planned event. I dread planning things now and am always hesitant when making arrangements with friends and family. I think it is an attention thing… stress makes him want attention, either through sulking or arguing. It has resulted in isolation for me because his moods dominate all events and then he ends up being centre stage again.
Got to get out of some of those old habits.
Panda,
The thing that gets used most frequently against me when he wants to push me away is jealousy – he just thinks of a tenuous connection with something to do with my ex-partner that I had been split up with for 18months before we even met (somewhere we went on holiday or something he imagines we did together, whether we really did it or not) and then gets into an angry drama feedback loop with himself. I’ve told him over and over again that many of the things he imagines never actually happened but he doesn’t believe me.
This is the area that I’ve found the enforcing of boundaries to be most relieving. I’ve started saying that I won’t be drawn into defending myself on accusations of things that I didn’t do especially when even if I had done them it wouldn’t matter because it was long before we even met! Sometimes I could hardly believe the things we were arguing about. It hasn’t stopped him having the fantasies about my past but I have been refusing to play along with the game anymore. Small successes but all adding to getting stronger.
haha yeah it is definately a ring of fire isnt it, i love johnny cash.
yeah they seem to bring up the past to get to us yet when we do they go off it, there is a lot of double standards going on here!! very very tiresome to say the least. M xxxx
This is a bit of kim and steve coopers book the love safety net.
Learning to love deeply is learning grace and courage in the face of uncertainty. It is learning to give reassurance and
security to those weaker than us, even when we ourselves feel vulnerable, and they may be behaving at their worst. Because
those we choose to love cannot always give us the certainty and reassurance that we demand from them and nor should we
ask that, we all have doubts and we all experience fear of rejection. Our job instead is to accept the vulnerability and doubt
that love brings up in us, and not close to it but feel it anyway, and trust that we are not here alone, and that just as the birds
belong here and are cared for by God, so are we. This is no small task for some of us, especially if we were not raised feeling
secure, but it is a task that gives life purpose and meaning and one that will see us working to help our loved ones to know
that they are safe with us. If we know others who at their worst are angry and even vengeful, and have closed their hearts
due to fear of rejection and fear of their own inadequacy and we choose to close our hearts too, then of course we will
continue to ask “Were is the love?”
But to rescue the drowning, we need the right tools, or the ones we wish to save, out of their own panic and fear, may drown
us too.
Here in this work book are the best tools available to bring your love relationships back to solid ground. They are not new
ideas, they have been with us always and they are tried and tested, but of course there are no guarantees. This is the
paradoxical lesson that love involves. Once we learn that love comes with no guarantees, we can then see that love is given
and not earned and we can decide to give love to our family, even when they are behaving badly, and do all that we can to
help others feel safe with us, despite our own fear and vulnerability that may even escalate in the process.
M xxxx
A bit more
Like any life savers training, this is not for the selfish or faint of heart. But happy and stable families are what everything
worthwhile on this planet (from a human perspective) begin from, and the human race right now desperately needs this
foundation secured. Many will say “But the drowning must want to help themselves, they are dangerous and so we must
abandon them and protect ourselves!” I think this needs to be reconsidered. We rescue people at the beach who are
drowning, despite the danger and even despite their possible protests. The idea that we must abandon abusive people in our
families came from a time when we did not have the tools or the know-how to help. This ignorance is still rife and so once
we learn these lessons we should also work to spread the message that help is now at hand and that things can get better.
If you did not have the experience of a stable family, or your partner did not, this will make these lessons all the harder, but
it has been shown that a reparative relationship will heal your relationship dysfunctions better than anything else. Therapy is
not the only option. We come to feel safe from experiencing safety. A child or an adult who is acting out needs to be taught
the boundaries of correct behavior, but they will not be able to learn this unless they feel safe and unless they feel loved
Setting Boundaries
“Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves,
no matter what happens, where we go, or who we’re with”.
We create boundaries from deep decisions about
what we believe we deserve and don’t deserve. We
create boundaries from our belief in what we want,
need, like and dislike. We create boundaries from a
deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the
right we have to take care of ourselves and to be
ourselves. We create our boundaries as we learn to
value, trust, and listen to ourselves. Creating
boundaries isn’t to build a brick wall around us. The
purpose of boundaries is to gain enough security
and sense of our self to get close to others without
the threat of losing ourselves, smothering others,
infringing on others, or allowing our self to be
invaded. Boundaries are the key to good healthy
relationships with other people. When we have a
sense of self, we are able to experience closeness
and intimacy. We are able to give love and to
receive love. Intimacy, play, and creativity require
loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and
know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and
take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go
enough to SOAR. These same activities help
develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE,
PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to
understand who we are and become reassured we
can trust ourselves. Having boundaries means
having a self strong, NURTURED,
HEALTHY and CONFIDENT
enough to LET GO and come back
again INTACT.”
http://gettinbetter.com/dirtywork.html
WHO’S DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK?
Deconstructing Passive Aggression
By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
http://www.GettinBetter.com
Have you ever . . . been with a lover who suddenly withdrew attention or affection, and responded to you very differently than he/she did before? Started feeling confused in a relationship, not knowing where you stood with the other person? Painfully wondered why someone you’ve felt close with isn’t calling anymore, or returning your calls? Driven yourself crazy trying to figure out what you might have done or said to make him/her distance from you, and wished they’d just tell you what’s going on, so you could try and repair it or move on? Well, you’re not alone!
Frankly, this has probably happened to each of us at one time or other, and whether it’s occurred in a romantic relationship or a friendship, we’ve been wounded by it. The loss of connection with someone we’ve valued/cherished is hard enough to manage–but feeling underestimated by them adds insult to injury! If we’ve acquired the capacity to handle confrontation and resolve conflicts, and someone exits the relationship emotionally and/or physically instead of discussing their concerns, it’s a betrayal of the trust and affection we’ve shared. When this happens, it leaves us feeling diminished and angry, because here’s what they’re passively expressing: “I don’t regard you as capable of resolving this issue with me,” or “I’m uncomfortable sharing my real feelings with you,” or “You and your feelings don’t matter here,” and “It’s easier (on me) to forfeit this connection and disappear, than to muster the courage I need to repair it.” I’m not sure if this is any consolation, but they’re showing you how they were treated and abandoned growing up, and unresolved childhood issues always repeat in adulthood.
WHO’S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?
If you haven’t resolved/healed hurtful childhood experiences that made you feel emotionally unsafe, anyone who interacts with you in ways that trigger similar sensations, will likely prompt your retreat. Someone’s personality could be naturally more direct or confrontive than yours; they might have traits that seem very matter-of-fact, controlling or harsh, but they may be unaware that these aspects intimidate or frighten others. Strong personality traits can make them seem volatile and threatening, making you want to avoid them whenever possible. The best way for you to deal with this type of person, is to tell them how their behavior affects you–which may go something like this: “I’m feeling (angry, defensive, frustrated, etc.), and my instinct is to shut down/distance myself” or, “Your manner feels (dangerous, scary, unsafe) to me, and makes me want to protect myself and avoid you.” This mirrors/reflects back to them how they’re being perceived or coming across to you, and should alert them to your need for a different approach.
You may also set limits/boundaries on how someone speaks to you, which can be especially helpful in work environments, ’cause there’s no excuse for abuse! Do this in any way that feels congruent with your communication style and ability, but here’s an example: “I’m sorry, but your tone feels abusive, and that’s unacceptable to me. When you feel you can approach me in a calmer/more respectful manner, I’ll be happy to hear what you have to say, and will respond/comply to the best of my ability” and then separate yourself from this person. You’re not being insolent or difficult–you’re only asking them to communicate with you in a manner, which enables you to be responsive to their needs. The outcome they’re seeking may not always be achievable, but at least you’ve let them know what you’re needing to give it your best shot–and taken better care of yourself in the process!
If you’ve experienced emotional cut-off and/or any type of abusive behavior in your relationship, and you’ve repeatedly felt beaten-down or controlled by this individual, it’s possible you’re with a Borderline or Narcissist. It’s crucial you learn more about personality disorders, so you can differentiate between normal relational conflicts, and abnormal patterns of behavior.
“TO TELL THE TRUTH, I’M JUST TOO SCARED!”
When we act-out our feelings by retreating or vanishing rather than telling someone what’s up with us, it’s an avoidance tactic that’s based in fear. Most of us dread confrontation, ’cause it makes us feel uncomfortable–but no matter how much we’d like to think we’re “walking our talk,” if we neglect to say what we mean, and mean what we say, we’re not! Whether we’re trying to get fired from a job or a relationship, not facing a situation head-on and speaking our truth, usually gets us in deeper trouble than we started with, and diminishes personal integrity. Avoidance of direct communication inhibits opportunities for clarity and resolution; this can actually be unfair to another, because it lets him/her maintain their denial or ignorance about an issue, and keeps them from growing! Our most commonly used excuses for avoidance are; “I’m swamped at work” or “I’ve just been so busy!” We may routinely use “busy” to get ourselves off the hook for doing what we know is respectful and right behavior, but it’s the least acceptable (or believable) excuse for avoiding someone.
If you don’t give someone feedback on how their actions have affected you, you’re depriving them of evolution and expansion. When somebody steps on your toes, you’ve gotta say “ouch!” or how will they know they’ve hurt you?
IN THE BEGINNING . . .
Avoidant personalities were formed in childhood, when many of us found it impossible to have an attentive/receptive audience with the person we needed most to hear, understand and respond to our feelings and needs. As we grew, our parents may have felt defensive about their shortcomings or mistakes, and made these issues seem like our fault! Much later on, they may have deflected our confrontations on important matters, by getting very emotional (crying or yelling) when we got too close to a sensitive nerve or difficult truth. Parents with narcissistic and/or borderline waif traits may play the hurt, martyr card; “I’ve always tried so hard to be a good mother…!” and here’s where we’ve abandoned our own concerns or needs, and ended up comforting/reassuring them! When we’re made to feel guilty or scared about triggering another’s strong emotions, our most natural reflex is to back-off–but the minute this occurs, any chance for meaningful exchange is thwarted.
When focus gets diverted from our feelings to theirs, it’s a defense against taking any responsibility for their hurtful behavior, or being responsive to our needs. Our parents may still use this strategy, to avoid confrontation and keep themselves off the ‘hot seat.’ They may start to cry, or attempt to divert our focus by telling us about their aches, pains or personal struggles. These tactics almost always elicit sympathy, which diffuses anger–and have you ever noticed, it’s nearly impossible to be mad at someone, while you’re feeling sorry for them?
The trouble with all this, is each time this sort of ‘emotional ricochet’ has occurred, we’ve become programmed to expect that sharing our feelings will be frustrating, painful or scary–and we’ve projected these concerns onto each relationship we’ve had ever since! We may not even try communicating openly as adults, because it’s easier to stuff our feelings (with food), numb them with other substances/behaviors, or just disappear. Having learned as children that saying how we felt meant punishment and pain, we now do our best to avoid it–even at the expense of tarnishing our character.
DANGEROUS LIAISONS
Unwillingness to talk about what we’re feeling prompts destructive, passive-aggressive behavior. When it comes to slowing the pace of an intimate involvement or wanting to leave, our passivity drives certain actions that are far more injurious to another, than if we stated our concerns and/or needs! Furthermore, when we harshly judge our ambivalence about a relationship or issue because we think we “should be” more decisive, this inhibits sharing a sense of uncertainty that’s very normal within most contexts, and intimacy is derailed at the starting gate.
For someone who’s unable to acknowledge difficult emotions, and for whom experiencing and expressing needs produces discomfort, even another’s minor infractions can become dangerously cumulative, and prompt a variety of somatic responses that may turn into serious health issues, like migraine headaches, intestinal/stomach problems, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, etc. Small annoyances or disappointments are initially glossed over and internalized as trivial or “unimportant,” but are noticed just the same. Mounting resentment may occasionally trigger rageful outbursts–but is more often acted-out in a passive/non-direct fashion, which might include infidelities, emotional or sexual withholding/withdrawal, sarcasm, broken commitments or “forgetting” specific requests made by a spouse/lover–or anyone else for that matter, because how you do anything, is how you do everything.
Avoidant personalities may become pathological liars. They begin by telling little white lies, to help them circumvent awkward/uncomfortable situations or truths. At some point, this pattern can become habituated, making it far easier to side-step the truth in general. Years ago, I dated someone with O.J. Simpson Syndrome (he actually believed his lies). This fellow refused to acknowledge when he’d made an error, and even denied that he’d broken something of mine, when I’d watched it happen! These individuals typically have selective memory of events, and cannot take ownership of past (or present) behavior that seems imperfect or unsavory to them. They may twist the facts and act indignant, making you feel ashamed or a little crazy for even suggesting they made a mistake, or caused any harm.
Avoidant behavior is one of the defenses that’s associated with narcissism. Narcissistic individuals lack authentic ego strength, and this (core) deficit makes it nearly impossible for them to acknowledge their flaws or failings; they may be quick to point out your shortcomings, but confronting their own invokes intolerable levels of shame and self-loathing. This personality type is usually more comfortable “giving than taking,” which spawns codependent dynamics with family, friends and lovers. The notion of receiving challenges their (false) non-needing self, and prompts anxiety about loss of control in relationships. Sensitive, open/honest dialogues involve the willingness and capacity to feel vulnerable; core-damaged people avoid vulnerability, and rely on passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate others into accommodating their needs. Some of these folks become People Pleasers, as they’re deeply invested in having others regard them as perfect, or above reproach. By the way, narcissists can be great at coming to your rescue if you have a problem (they need to be needed), but they’re highly offended, if you have a problem with them!
Passive-aggressive issues are definitely not gender specific, but men seem especially inclined to act-out their feelings, and force women to do their ‘dirty work’ when it comes to distancing, or ending relationships. They may withdraw emotionally or physically, behave in ways that are inconsiderate, or act like insensitive jerks–but (ironically) what often drives this acting-out behavior, is fear and guilt about “hurting” someone! Fact: Whenever we fail to express our feelings truthfully, there’s a lack of congruency between our words and actions that creates painful/confusing inner torment for someone we supposedly care for! Bottom line; if you have the courage to be honest, you can avoid being cruel.
“YIKES, I THINK I’VE JUST BEEN SHOT!”
Passive aggression may be directed verbally rather than acted on physically, which is a more caustic and damaging way to undermine someone. Perhaps we have a relative, lover or “friend” whose statements often feel like barbs. When we react to the slight or attempt to get clarification on their meaning, they may tell us they’re “just kidding,” or we’re being “too sensitive.” This is designed to invalidate our perceptions and deflect the confrontation–but as Ellen DeGeneres always says; ‘kidding’ is when both people can laugh at the joke. Rather than directly expressing what they really think of us, they choose to deliver their hurtful messages indirectly or ‘in code,’ to disarm and disable us from responding to their (veiled) attack. These comments usually come at us in a kind of sideways manner, or slightly under the breath as a jab–and they’re deeply wounding! This person’s definitely trying to convey something, but their message is cloaked, to avoid being held accountable for their words–or our reactions.
I once had a friendship with a woman who relied heavily on this style of self-expression. Her snide, offhand comments felt diminishing and hurtful, causing me to wonder if she secretly resented me, or was jealous. If I didn’t strictly adhere to her notion of “right behavior,” I was severely reprimanded. It didn’t matter how generous/caring I’d been throughout the decades of our friendship; when I did something in a way that didn’t perfectly match how she thought it should be done, she chastised me for being a “bad friend.” This was painful for me, and as I worked to address and resolve each issue with her, another one surfaced almost immediately! For a time, I walked on eggshells in that relationship, and I’m certain that others have too. Her rigid black or white/borderline traits and narcissism, made it impossible for us to work through difficulties and remain close–and felt too toxic for me to keep trying. After gaining understanding about personality disorders, I’ve realized that my former friend learned/adopted this style of interaction as a kid, and invariably treats others as she was treated.
“I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOU TO LIKE ME . . . !”
Abandonment and attachment issues from childhood lay the groundwork for passive-aggressive behavior–but it’s still sometimes hard to discern why we keep engaging in ineffectual/unhealthy patterns with people who matter to us! Are we afraid they’ll think less of us, if we’re honest with them? Do we fear losing someone’s love, if we’re responsive to our own feelings? Did we have to lie as kids, to keep peace at home or avoid getting punished? Did our parents maintain aspects of a relationship, without regard for another’s feelings or needs? All these issues could have contributed to our not being truthful in relationships, but we pay a heavy price, ’cause it undermines our self-respect, and leaves little room for others to respect us either.
THE BOOMERANG EFFECT
Avoidance of direct communication is an insidious type of control issue that makes others feel emotionally unsafe, and undermines their trust in us. In the midst of trying to cope with the painful feelings this invokes, they might react in ways that are aggressive or hurtful in return. At this juncture, either they terminate the relationship, or we get to feel justified in leaving–but do we ever take ownership/responsibility for having maneuvered them into this position in the first place? If you’ve ever neglected to let someone know where they stood with you, and made them do your dirty work, you’ve earned a dishonorable discharge from that relationship.
We might one day choose to re-establish contact with someone we acted-out with months or years earlier–or we may by chance, run into this person. If we’ve neglected to be forthright during that relationship, we shouldn’t be too surprised if they’re unreceptive to our efforts to re-engage them. Unless you’re willing to take ownership of your hurtful behavior and offer a heartfelt apology, it’s pretty unlikely this person will desire more contact. When trust has been breached, so has respect–and second chances can be very few and far between. Whether you’ve chosen to step away from a new relationship or a long-established one, how you orchestrate that ending is crucial, because it’s typically what someone remembers most about you.
REFRAMING AND REBUILDING
My main purpose here, is to help you learn that ‘confrontation’ simply means telling someone what’s true for you, so how can that be a bad thing? This interaction doesn’t have to be uncaring or unkind–it just has to come from an honest place inside you! Sharing our ‘real-self’ always invokes awkward, anxious feelings, because vulnerability isn’t designed to be easy! When we finally accept this, we can begin welcoming opportunities to practice these skills, and get better at them! You cannot predict or control how someone will handle a confrontation, but you can commit to the action–and that’s the most important part of this exercise.
You can only become as healthy/whole as your psychotherapist–but a solid therapeutic endeavor helps you learn how to confront difficult topics in an effective manner, freeing up lots of energy in the process. You should gain the ability to consider another’s feelings, while staying with yours. You can begin to trust, respect and act on these feelings, as opposed to submerging them, or taking ‘better care’ of everyone else’s. But most importantly, you’ll be able to let go of passive-aggressive behavior that’s destroyed your past relationships, while building verbal skills and intimacy that will enhance your future ones! If you think you’d like to give this a shot, the payoffs can be enormous–and you could even start to enjoy raising your Integrity Quotient. Meanwhile, try and do your own dirty work by keeping in mind this acronym:
ICE…
Integrity means walking your talk–especially when it’s the most difficult or awkward to do. (If this stuff were easy, everybody’d be doing it!)
Courage means knowing yourself well enough to accept/embrace your insecurities and shortcomings as well as your strengths–and risking that someone who could really matter to you, will too!
Emotional responsibility means behaving with conscious intent concerning another’s well-being (not just yours), and respecting them enough to send clear signals–not mixed ones
http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html
please read this- its very interesting
The more I think about it the more I realize that I have lived a sheltered life, since I left my teens behind.
It is probably about time I saw how the real world operates. From reading your accounts I am understanding the stress that is common to relationships. LOL I am amazed at how I avoided it for such a long time.
I wonder why there is so much stress. Everyone’s prime desire is to be loved. Yet, when we see someone who loves us we can’t seem to be able to accept that as a fact. We shy away from getting close to people in case they hurt us. But that very process sets up a reaction that hurts us more.
Why can’t we be open and honest about everything? Why can’t our loved ones see that the sky wont fall if they say their feeling in a kind way? It doesn’t even fall when they vent their feelings through anger. Why would it fall if they just said it in their calm moments?
Why can’t they see our love is unconditional? We prove it by accepting their shit, after all?
It is so sad that at this moment there is someone in my house who is depressed and in need of attention but who cannot accept the love that is offered.
But I am accepting that I can’t change anything and that is something, I suppose.
The way humans think and act is truly mindboggling.
Hey Audre,
I would imagine that ppl can’t just live outside of their self imposed walls due to fear. We never truly know what another persons upbringing is or their past experiences that may shape who they are. It would be great if everyone could just live a life that’s wide open w/o trust issues. But fear of rejection, of being abandoned, of not being loved at all or at least the way they desire more often than not speaks the loudest especially w/o lots of practice to manage it or quiet it down. Ppl judge and those on the receiving end know it, feel it and are affected by it. It’s sad really and frankly Ive wished it all not to be so myself. It creates alot of situations that would better be spent being happy and loving one another but I learned to accept it over the years rather than rail against it. In my efforts to embrace it Ive come to know that everyones individual issues adds to the fabric of who we all are as people. Makes us a more interesting and colorful human race.
Michelle,
I just wanted to acknowledge that I could tell you’ve been in alot of pain the last few days. I also wanted to thank you for the article on borderline personalities. I’m working my way through it a little at a time as it’s very long but boy does it hit the nail right on the head! Unbelievable! That author knows what she is talking about. My Bp has actually said some of those exact same things. The one that stood out the most…so far was the notion of ‘The Chase’ and how she gets off on it. I think she was almost indoctrinated that way by her extremely unnuturing but very funny mother and by never quite fully required love relationships early on in her youth. She now has herself convinced that to commit or label anything as a relationship she will get weird, nasty, abusive and/or ppl will leave. She has said, ‘No one ever stays’. That’s probably why she’s Overly attached to her daughter. And constantly talks about how she’s never loved someone so much in her entire life. I used to think it was sweet in the beginning. But it’s so overboard she makes it perfectly clear that she will never allow herself to love anyone deeply for fear that she thinks it will somehow deprive her daughter of something. The sad part is that I also know down deep inside that she really wants and longs for something/someone of her own. Maybe one day I will get to address this with her in the very distant future. As she has way too much on her plate right now.
But thank you
Michelle, Trusturgut… how are you both feeling now that the weekend is almost over? I trust it wasn’t too bad.
I have been doing a lot of thinking abut boundaries. Why do they think they can do what they like to us and then when it is over they expect us to be back to normal? Why can’t they realize that we have times when we need support? Everyone is in the same boat with regard to feeling the need for support and love. Yet we have to give love but never receive it. We are supposed to be strong when we, too, want to run away from responsibilities and life. Why do we resist the temptation and they give in to it big time?
I always said if they put anything on my tombstone put “she made the best of the hand she was dealt”. Why can’t I just throw my hands up in the air and say, “I’ve had enough?”
Rudyard Kipling
If
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!
Audre,
.
THAT’S IT! That Kipling piece is perfect! That’s what I strive to be. Thank you for posting it. I know you are still questioning the benefits of medication. It was put to me like this once. Sometimes the right meds quiet down the mind just enough to allow necessary information to go in and be processed.
My crew should be home any minute gotta run.
My relaxing by the way was more in the form of getting to do All I needed to do but on my time schedule. So it was good
Trusturgut,
Glad you had a good weekend! Things are quiet here. I am not involved at all.
Keep us posted.
My bopolar ex-girlfriend broke my heart. She was an alcoholic and did drugs and one night decided to go on a road trip to see another lover behind my back. She hit a vehicle and kept going and someone called the police on her. They got her stopped but while going back to enter her info she took off. When it was all over she had hit two police cruisers, a parked car,tried to back over an officer and finally hit a concrete block and flipped and totaled her truck. When she called me collect from jail asking me to post bail on a $300,000 bond I ask her why she didn’t call the person she was going to see. She stopped talking to me. She got 8 months and I wrote but she never replied until I got a letter telling me not to write anymore. I went on trying to heal and one day out of the blue she calls. She called several times after that and wanted to see me when she got out which was a month away at that time. She contacted me when she got home and wanted me to come for the weekend. Then she cancelled telling me her other lover was having a fit so she could not go. When I questioned her she said stop trying to make me feel bad I do not care that you are hurt move on. The following week a got a email telling me how sweet I was and she was being very nice to me wanting to see me. I love her so much but I am afraid. I do not know what to do. She pulls in me then pushes me away. What should I do during those times she pushes me away? Should I continue to be there and keep reaching out till she responds again or leave and stay gone? I love her so much but I am so confused and hurt. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Nae
Nae/
Have you been dateing my xgf?
Just trying to keep things light here.
Thought omg why would this pretty girl want a guy like me? Simole we are easy for them to leave. I suffered for months each time she would go away. At first not knowing why and thinking it was my fault. I was wrong. I started doing a little snooping into my xgf past. I remembered her x”s name and did a face book search. I wanted to see what kind of a guy did she have that could stay with her for a few yrs in a marriage? Well I found him and his fb page was open so I peeked in 
The guy had no friends except his mother father and maybe five people who I think are his relatives. This guy had no life outside the box. So now things started to piece together. my girl went nuts because when I opened my fb page to her she saw all my friends and lots of them being woman. Long story short. I feel they choose us because they can get away with alot of BS. They find out we are easy going and loving and they make us there mark. They feel they can get away with lots of BS and we will either take them back or they can dump us at no price to themself. If you have no kids with this woman and you are not married to her then I would put on my big boy pants and walk away. You like me came into a relationship that was new. We both had no past conection with them. We did not know them before this bp thing went out of control. I refuse to tell anyone they should stay and try to fix the unfixable. You will end up the worst for it. People like us want to help. I was so naive to think I could conqure this bp thing. I thought she just needed understanding and love. I did not understand the machanics of what I was dealing with. Go back up this list and read the writings of the good people on here and look at the suffering they are going through. Then fall back and collect your thoughts and re access the situation. You will have to get right to the heart of her problems quickly and then get her to treatment and on meds fast.. if she refuses or runs away.. Let her go. You cannot run into a burning home more then once or twice without being consumed in the flames yourself. I let mine go and it has taken three months for me to recover to the point where I see things clear and for what they are. Do you have children? If so think about them too..
What you described is the girl I used to date only worse. The running away and comming back seems to be a common trait with someone who is suffering abandoment issiues.
Now dont be thinking wow thats great all I have to do is tell her I will not leave her and she will be fine. Nope it dont work that way. Has your girl ever seen a Dr? is she diagnosed BP? is she on meds? I think my girl had discontinued seeing her phyc Dr. after she was diagnosed with BP and abandoment issius. I am not sure but from what I could tell this Dr must have confirmed for her that she had these issius and the girl freaked and discontinued seeing the Dr before they could work it out . my x told me of this issiue and then told me it was because her parents had moved away. Ok all sounds good with that right? Well guess what? Her parents moved away after they retired. After she had finnished up her first marriage and had two children of her own. I tryed to explain to her that her parents did not abandon her they simply moved to a place they could afford after having done there duty and finnish raising there kids! I told her her father retired after working 30 yrs and this is something everyone does. She would not hear of it and stated her Dr told her this is her problem.. Damn dumb ass Dr. Well either way she took off for the last and final time and this time I stopped chasing her for many reasons. Your girl sounds very much like mine. Out of control. How long have you known her? Do you have lack of self worth issius? Is she very pretty and you feel she is too pretty to be with a guy like you? If yes then I know how you feel because I was feeling the same way
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. We do not have children. Unfortunately I can’t put on my big boy pants because we are both women lol. As I have read through more posts here I have come to the conclusion I am dating several people’s girlfriends. Just kidding but trying to laugh to keep from crying. She is on meds but sees him rarely. She is on probation but I am not sure she is not drinking again. She told me she had respect for me but now she sees how emotionally unstable I really am. It was all I could to not tell her “you damn skippy I am emotionally unstable you flew there first class”. I get angry but I can not be as hateful and mean to her as she has been to me. I was one of the few people that was good to her. She told me to move on and that I meant nothing but if she went back to jail tomorrow she would call me wanting me to get her out. The difference this time would be that I would not lose 1 wink of sleep thinking about getting her out and I might not even accept the call. I do not think she was too pretty to be with me and there are others male and female that have pursued me but I love her. It just hurts knowing you love someone so much that cares nothing about you and does not care how they hurt you. Not to mention that I can’t believe anything she says. Is that characteristic? I never know what is true or not and she has made up some of the most ridiculous lies ever. Do they say mean things to intentionally hurt us? Are they ever sorry?
Welcome Nae!
I am sure as you read through the posts here you will see similar stories, only the names and relationships are different. You describe my son. He hasn’t been to jail but whenever he needs something he doesn’t hesitate to ask me because he knows I can and will do things for him.
I am not so sure they are lying. They interpret things differently than we do. They see everything from their needs and wants. Their perception is colored by their view of themselves and they can never step outside themselves to see things from the others’ perspective.
I don’t know if they have intentions to hurt but they are never sorry… not truly sorry. They are right so how can they be sorry? They might say they are sorry to achieve an aim but they are never sorry.
The comments and people on this blog have helped me tremendously. I used to listen to the abuse and, to tell the truth, I never reacted. Now if there is anger, I walk away. I don’t intend to be treated with disrespect any longer.
I know they can change; I have seen it happen. But generally they are happy with their ability to control, as I see it. As long as they have willing nice people (translate dupes) to intercede for them they are the center of the universe.
Nae/ I tryed just like you..the pushing and pulling away thing is a sign she cannot handle any relationship related stress and prob has those abandoment issiues as well. I gave my girl no stress and avoided it at all cost. But she stressed out herself. She created from nothing the stress she needed to run away. maybe knowing she was getting into her manic mode and wanting to run and party and do her thing and she couldnt with me hanging around was enough to stress her. She tryed for days to set me up into a fight where she could blame me for being the reason she took off. When nothing worked she came up with the most lame excuse I have ever heard from a adult. And she blamed me for it. She then went out every night on her partying trip. The week of valintines day that we had planned to be together all week she spent most likely with a stranger. The hurt was unbearable and made me almost go nuts. Or maybe I did a little
Dont get mad at me for this but to me its like the diffrence between buying a fresh new puppy and growing with it or buying a old untrained dog that is stuckin its ways and refuses to learn new tricks. Mine was the old dog that could not and did not want to face change. I offered her my world and she destroyed it. The last time she ran away I locked up my hearts door and will not let her back in again. When she left she posted a very happy and spiteful picture of herself and this picture haunts my mind to this day. The last time I looked at it a few days ago I saw the real person that I did not want to see before. I saw a cold hearted mean woman with eyes of ice and a heart to match it. Could you go out and party the week of valintines if you knew you had left the woman you made plans with home suffering? Could you have sex with another woman knowing someone who cares for you is waiting for you and hurting from what you did? Well they can.. and Its too much for me to handle no matter how pretty she is on the outside. My girl told me all the sweet intimate things lovers want to hear.. Told me she would never run away again.. told me we were meant for eachother and that she loves me so much that I am all she ever thinks about.. I now feel like a fool for listning to her. the last time I spoke to her she said just what your woman said..She is over me and has moved on and I should do the same.. I am taking her advice this time and have already found two woman that are sweet and nice and most of all un changing. Beauty really is only skin deep… look for the true beauty of a person. The one that comes from with in and shines through each and every day! And you will find true happyness.. The kind that last forever.
Hi Audre and all, hope you week ends went well, mine was not bad at all.
Can’t stress enough about boundaries, i’m still learning about these, (dont think i had any) but never let anything go tht your not happy about, always mention it, dont walk on egg shells, can you imagine having control over someone cos you used anger to get your own way, you’d lose respect for them wouldnt you, i think this is what happens. Boundaries ARE the KEY!! Omg i agree with ne old dog theory, how funny, old dogs are just as loveable as small puppies, we just have a harder time teaching them things they have never learnt!!
Beauty is only skin deep also, i feel i am getting more beautiful on the inside. hate is a very ugly thing, i’ve used that word a few times in my life, and i will never use it again to describe my feelings toward a human being!! However there a people i dont like and will never like, but it’ll never eat away at me and turn me black inside the way hate does!
Abandonment issues, hmm, i have them, learning to deal with them, but i think they can work both ways, total withdrawal or the total neediness clingy thing, enmeshment, totally suffocating someone which is what i used to do, therefore when someone withdraws from us it hurts all the more!! maybe that is one of our lessons in life, to learn to tolerate being on our own, cruel lesson i feel, but its happened to me so many times now that i have read all i can on abandonment stuff that if someone withdraws from me now, i just get on with my life and do my own thing, and although i notice it obviously, it doesnt cause the anxiety and pain it once did. now i shall simply state that i do not like to be ignored for weeks on end and state how it makes me feel, unless of course i’d like them to get their crystal ball out (i used to think they would just automatically know howi felt and what i thought!!) and say can’t he see what he’s doing to me?? well no they cant, all they know is that they have shut themselves off for their own defense and havent given us a thought and wont till we let them know how it feels!!!
I liked the kipling poem too, i want to be like that too, and we all can be which is the funny thing, but few of us are. i strive to be better and better each day.
M xxxx
Great post Michelle! I have always loved being alone; maybe that is why I am never depressed.
I don’t know why we seem to rely so much on others and their opinion. But we do! The best way to live, by far, is to let people have their opinion, whatever it may be.
Expectations are a bomber too! If we have expectations of others, and even ourselves, we are bound to be disappointed.
I think you are going to be alright Michelle.
Michelle/
I wish my girls abandoment issues were like yours.. Clinging to me I would have loved it! But in her case her abandoment issues made her *run* according to what I could figure out.. If she got jealous of say people on my fb page or me having too many friends then she would feel I am going to abandon her so therefore she would sucker punch me and run away leaving me hurting before I could hurt her? I am not sure if this is how she was thinking its only one thought I have had on this. She was very confusing to me.. One of the more nasty things she did was to comfort me in our relationship telling me we are officialy bf and gf making a great deal out of it by telling me all the sweet things I would ever want to hear and then putting a knife through my heart by running away and turning cold.. Maximum destructin
So in the times when I spoke to her while she was away for a relaxing mini vacation she sounded calm and like she was having a good time. By the time she pulled into the driveway Sunday night I was stunned by what came home! She was way off! I’m still not sure why or what happened. She was rapid fire, demanding nonstop talking, her speech was fast but barely audible. She was fixated on her usual subject matters…her daughter’s school, the up n coming birthday party(which has now turned into an extravaganza). The seemingly conflicting information of all the therapists involved in there lives. A friends legal case that is coming up tomorrow, her bankruptcy. The list goes on. The few times that I tried to respond I got ‘I don’t understand what you are saying and I hate when you do That!’ I really thought that with all that she convinced herself that she had to do that she was bound to pull an all-nighter. But when she went in to read her little one a story I found her asleep on the floor 10mins later. Yest she was out of sorts but not as bad. She had therapy in am and met w/ pdoc in afternoon. Pdoc was pissed that she had been going through all this shit for the past month and she didn’t call him. She told him that she’s a professional too and knows what it’s like to have a client call with every hang nail. He put her back on the Risperdal took her off of the Depakote which she was resistant to taking in the first place and is now going to try Lamictal, which she always wanted to try. Yest when we briefly spoke about what she was like when she got home, she informed me that she remembers picking up hotdogs and then me asking her if she wanted a pillow when I found her sleeping on the floor, but nothing else. Pdoc officially diagnosed her w/ BP and PTSD yest. Last night when she took the risperdal she said she forgot how sleepy they make her at first. She drank alot of coffee to counter act that, stayed up all night to get her work done and now is out taking daughter to school. Her daughter’s therapist emailed a school recommendation that looks like it might be for learning disabled. Bad move! First of all she is not LD it’s a social skills issue and secondly as much as I like this particular therapist I could kick her ass for sending this. Am I still the ONLY ONE who knows that my bp gets fixated on stuff and dweeeelllllssssss on shit until she unearths all the answers to HER satisfaction. Six o’clock this morning I find her staring at the schools website saying ‘why didn’t anyone tell me my kid needed to ride the (short bus)?’ Her therapist sent the link because of the small student/teacher ratio mostly. Ugghh I for the first time this morning have the overwhelming desire to right ALL of the therapists and fill them in on a thing or two. They are also not getting to what extent my bp misinterprets or “reads” beyond information. I said to her this am ‘write a list of direct questions for everyone’ and insist on direct answers. She really is driving herself nuts over all this stuff.
On another note a friend stopped by yest to introduce us to a VERY interesting man, Dr Salomon Cohen he wrote a book called ‘Visionary Quantum Healing’ the most interesting part was directly after introductions her looked at my bp and said you have extreme difficulty making decisions said something about her thumb ring and that she needed to wear it on her index finger for 3 weeks and notice the decision making become more clear. WTF why not. He was an interestingy character even though he was a little ‘woowoo’.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/295/the-importance-of-setting-personal-boundaries/
Behind the Masquerade
When one gives from the mask, there is always the danger of anger and frustration. Selfishness always lurks behind the façade – one always fears the judgement of others, always wondering when they will get something in return.
I spent much of my younger years parading behind this masquerade – always giving, even when I didn’t want to. Always being taken advantage of; giving even when I was sick or tired; always afraid of disapproval. And when the criticism and abuse inevitably came, I crumbled.
Further, I was too afraid to ask for favours in return. No one displayed the same care I did. Little by little, the anger and frustration began to build. Anger when they did not reciprocate; frustration at never being able to say no. And one day it all came pouring out. Hatred at myself, hatred at the world – it was a painful time for me and those who loved me. It was a period I could have avoided if I had learnt one simple word – No.
Many people encourage such behaviour in themselves. They see themselves as a noble martyr, perhaps a victim. There are times the distinction between compassion and disguised selfishness is hard to make.
Take, for instance, a mother, sacrificing herself daily for her children. Which one is she? Only she knows. Mimicking compassion is different from feeling it, and only she knows what she is feeling. Might she better serve her children by taking some time off to nourish herself, simply so she has more to give in the future?
What are Boundaries?
The logical progression, then – what exactly are boundaries?
This shield can come in many different forms, but at its core, a boundary simply involves saying No. No to giving something; no to behaving in a certain way; no to being treated in a way that will hurt your heart, your body, your totality.
Personal boundaries can come in all facets of life – physically, emotionally, and mentally. You protect your body; you protect yourself from fatigue and stress, you protect your time, money, and even privacy. You protect your right to a basic level of respect and courtesy.
The first step, then, is to recognise that we have our own needs and values. For many, even this can sound like a shock – that is how defenseless they have been.
Immediately after this, a second recognition is vital. Just as you have your limits – so do other people. They have their own needs, wants, and feelings; just as you would want them to respect your boundaries, so would you have to respect theirs. An intrusive, overdeveloped boundary can be worse than an underdeveloped one. I read a newspaper report once, of a man who was speeding and ran over a pedestrian. His response was callous; she shouldn’t have been in the way. This is the trap we have to avoid.
A good boundary respects all parties involved; clear and firm, but non-aggressive. And as you begin to shield and stand up for yourself, you will be surprised at how the world begins to treat you. It is one of the most empowering things we can ever do for ourselves.
how hard is it for all of us never having boundaries – i am sooooo learning about how important it is to just stop being nicey nicey as it gets you nowhere and breeds NOTHING but contempt! this is just a bit of this website, but interesting read.
M xxx
“i am sooooo learning about how important it is to just stop being nicey nicey as it gets you nowhere and breeds NOTHING but contempt!”
I actually don’t agree with this statement. There is a difference between being nice and sucking up and walking on eggshells.
A confident person who respects him/herself will always be nice, even when enforcing boundaries. Once one falls into the ‘I am not going to to be nice’ trap, we become no better then the person who abuses our trust.
Audre, yes i see where you are coming from and i didnt mean that i wasnt going to be nice anymore and turn into some kind of dragon, but sometimes being nice all the time to someone who is being awful is exhausting and doesnt get us anywhere, i have always worried about people not liking me if i said no, and worried what they might think about me. dont think i ever respected myself and that was my problem. M xxxxx
@Michelle, I understand what you mean too. And you and I can have a conversation about what we believe. I think that is the way the world is supposed to work. You say something and I can tell you how I feel without your going ballistic. We see the world in different ways and should be able to say that without getting our heads chopped off.
You are so right! We should never be nice just to deflect conflict. We just have to find a way to do it that does not mirror what we dislike in the others.
Its been a month since i logged in. I’m getting to know my bipolar girl friend better. She’s a good day then a bad day. She loves me, then she still loves me but dosent want to be with me anymore. If I wait a while she’s fine. I found out being too nice does not work! Walking on eggshells does not work! I must state I don’t like they way I’m being treated, and leave. Then call the next day. She spologies, but still no medicine. Only problem I’m hopelessly in love.
Does anyone else find themself crying because someone that has said they love you treats you the way they do? You love them and want to be with them but is it worth the pain and then you feel bad for even thinking something like that. Gloom, Despair, and Agony on me, whoaaaaaa. LOL
Ace, I feel ya!
Audre, how true, my bf says you can have an argument or a disagreement without falling out, and said i couldnt do that, well am learning, we are not always right, in fact probably mostly, it is all about differing views and the way people see the world differently. i have been nice to deflect conflict and wont be doing that anymore, i shall do my level best to say if i am not happy, bottling things up has a sneaky way off coming out eventually, in a rage or however it feels!
How do we do it without mirroring what we dont like in others, sorry for the dumb question – i am still learning.
M xxxx
@Michelle,
There is something abut the human brain that makes us want to be right. We take a certain amount of pleasure in getting back at others. The big question is, “Why?”
I think it has something to do with feeling our existence. If we feel worthless we really feel like we are a great big fat (in the descriptive sense) nothing.
What better way to feel like something than to browbeat others?
However this feeling doesn’t last and actually makes us feel more worthless after it is over.
I don’t have any answers for how not to mirror others anger. Yet, I could venture that the minute that we see ourselves as good and worthy things will change.
We are all in the same boat. There are no better people. People are people. Even the worst murderer was a child and had potential until it was screwed up by life’s circumstances.
We really have to stop measuring ourselves by others and their perceived accomplishments. Look around! Do you see anyone really happy with everything together? If you do, I can guarantee if you scratch the surface you will find rot underneath.
I used to work with alcoholics. A long time ago we paid a huge amount of money for a speaker to speak at a national conference. He was one of the world’s foremost experts and a very good speaker.
The thing is he was just that… a good speaker. He was not a good one on one communicator. In fact he was huddled in the corner depressed all while he was not speaking, unable to converse with anyone. I learned a lot from that encounter.
This man could go on stage and electrify an audience by telling them how to live their lives. Yet, he could not practice what he preached. A the time, I was shocked. Of course today we know very few people practice what they preach.
It is really, really hard to practice what we preach. How many people would have the courage to die on a cross in order to practice the non-violence that they preached?
In my view, Michelle, it is about seeing ourselves as one of the pack, just as good and just as bad. If we can do that good things must necessarily follow.
In come the walking wounded.. Like the soldier thats been killed and does not know it yet.. They keep coming in looking for help where there is none.. BP I hate you.. You steal from us the love of our lifes and you have no remorse… Its been almost three months and I am still missing the girl who does not exist for me anymore… Bi polar disease you were born in hell…
robert, I am not glad you feel this way but I am so glad you voiced your feelings. Yes, it steals from us the love of our lives and has NO remorse and they no longer exist for us. People tell us to move on but how? They were the loves of our lives! We try to move on but the memory of them lurkes in the shadows of our minds and reminds us of what we have lost.
Audre and Michelle,
That exchange that the two of you had about niceness was so civil and healthy I almost forgot why we are all here LOL! well done it was truly a beautiful thing. How ‘nice’ it would be if we all could communicate like that.
Nea,
If we all did feel that kind of sadness and despair regarding the situations that we find ourselves in and the ppl that we’ve chosen to love we probably would not have ever reached out and found this site. It’s the pain and confusion that brought us here and the hope for a better way of interacting w/ our loved ones and a new learning of how to better take care of ourselves emotinally that keeps us coming back here. The knowledge and support that Ive gained here has been more valuable than anything Ive ever come across and has helped me through some pretty dark to times. The ppl here Really get it. I find myself continuosly blown away by all of our similiarties.
I am becoming more and more convinced that a big part of the reason that it is so difficult to cope with these relationships and to get over them is the emphasis that is placed on the bp partner. They take the stage all the time and their feelings become paramount to both themselves and to their partners. I’ve been living as a shadow to someone else and am trying very hard to remember who I am and that my thoughts and feelings matter too, and not just the ones that are about the bp partner. I’m sure my life used to be an awful lot more about me. The past five years I feel like I’ve been watching someone else’s soap opera. Yes, he acts like his feelings are directed at me and he appears to be talking to and interacting with me but really I think he is having a soap opera in his own head. I’m not there.
At the moment he is telling me he loves me at least ten times a day and that he is in love with me. It is almost as strange and unreal as when he is telling me he doesn’t care.
Well said Zuki!
What I’m trying to say is that their feelings, whatever they happen to be at any given time, shouldn’t be everything. It doesn’t matter whether they really mean it or not when they say they are truly deeply sorry for the things they have said and done and that they really love you. That isn’t the point, because how they feel can’t be the most important thing all of the time. I think partners of bp get drawn into living through the emotional state of the bp, and it tricks the brain into thinking that how they feel IS everything. It really isn’t and shouldn’t be. At best, when taking stock of their feelings, their mood swings and changeability should be taken into account. Without an acknowledgement of that then we are just slipping into our own fantasy – there is nothing I would love more than to forget all the pain and the rejection and just live for this moment when he seems to be so in love with me but I would be lying to myself. His feelings are nothing more and nothing less than his feelings and I really have to keep a hold on the bigger picture. Trying to be strong and keep things in perspective here. I’m not angry with him. Its just that this time I will need a little more convincing than a confession of his feelings. If he really loves me then I am sure that he will be able to find a way to demonstrate that he cares about the things I care about, and understands a little more about me than just his feelings.
Hi Zuki
it’s wayne, subversive1 and I’ve just read your entry,
it’s so hard to start again & again……. especially when in this last “episode” she took a lover, in the aftermath she is so sorry for hurting me but how do I go on from here? will I ever be able to trust her again??? I have loved her for nearly 6 years & she’s never gone this far. It’s killing me
I will be taking a holiday for the next two weeks. I will try to check in from time to time. Take care everyone!
Zuki I will copy what you wrote and print it out to keep reading when I need to.. What you wrote really helped me to cope with what I am feeling. I will post both of what you said again to make sure everyone reads it..Thank you
Zuki said: I am becoming more and more convinced that a big part of the reason that it is so difficult to cope with these relationships and to get over them is the emphasis that is placed on the bp partner. They take the stage all the time and their feelings become paramount to both themselves and to their partners. I’ve been living as a shadow to someone else and am trying very hard to remember who I am and that my thoughts and feelings matter too, and not just the ones that are about the bp partner. I’m sure my life used to be an awful lot more about me. The past five years I feel like I’ve been watching someone else’s soap opera. Yes, he acts like his feelings are directed at me and he appears to be talking to and interacting with me but really I think he is having a soap opera in his own head. I’m not there.
At the moment he is telling me he loves me at least ten times a day and that he is in love with me. It is almost as strange and unreal as when he is telling me he doesn’t care.
And this: What I’m trying to say is that their feelings, whatever they happen to be at any given time, shouldn’t be everything. It doesn’t matter whether they really mean it or not when they say they are truly deeply sorry for the things they have said and done and that they really love you. That isn’t the point, because how they feel can’t be the most important thing all of the time. I think partners of bp get drawn into living through the emotional state of the bp, and it tricks the brain into thinking that how they feel IS everything. It really isn’t and shouldn’t be. At best, when taking stock of their feelings, their mood swings and changeability should be taken into account. Without an acknowledgement of that then we are just slipping into our own fantasy – there is nothing I would love more than to forget all the pain and the rejection and just live for this moment when he seems to be so in love with me but I would be lying to myself. His feelings are nothing more and nothing less than his feelings and I really have to keep a hold on the bigger picture. Trying to be strong and keep things in perspective here. I’m not angry with him. Its just that this time I will need a little more convincing than a confession of his feelings. If he really loves me then I am sure that he will be able to find a way to demonstrate that he cares about the things I care about, and understands a little more about me than just his feelings.
All so true
Audre,
if you read this before you go I wish you a wonderful trip filled w/ lots of fun and much needed relaxation. If reading after you return I hope it was all you hoped for.
I have been reading a few of these posts, and whilst most are full of pain and anguish. I have realised that there are a lot of people out there that care enough about their partners to stick it out or at least share their experiences for others. You all should be proud of what you do.
I don’t really know why im posting this, its not really a question or a statement, I guess I just need to vent.
My girlfriend is bipolar, she told me about it when we 1st met and I think she is one of the strongest people I know for what she goes through. I love this woman like nothing else, I want to support her and take some of the weight so she doesn’t have to do it alone. At least that is what I think I have been trying to do.
But that is just the problem; I don’t know what she goes through. No matter how much I try to be educated I feel I will just never understand. Sometimes I think I’ll know what to look for “when I see it”, but I never see it coming, sometimes ive got my own problems and can’t see over them, sometimes I just forget.
I should have seen the signs that her depression was building over the last couple of weeks, but I didn’t see it until it was too late,
And then this past weekend….I forgot. A minuscule argument started, what over, I honestly can’t remember, I bought in and before I knew it, it had turned nuclear. I forgot how to react. Before I knew it random boxes were packed, and she was gone.
I know that she is safe, and I know that given some space she may come back, but the thing that is tearing me apart is that I didn’t understand what my partner needed until after she left, and now that I know, I cant reach her.
Sometimes we forget how we should react, I guess after all we are only human.
Good Morning Everyone,
There was a new posting early this morning but w/o a name I can’t address you personally. I will say that I hear you struggling because you didn’t see the signs of the depression and now in her absence you are at a loss for what to do and how to help. The fact is that even if you had seen the signs there may not of been anything you could have done to stop her disappearing. I’ve learned from here and from my own partners lips that when the depression hits she can go through such self loathing that she doesn’t feel worthy of having anyone around or being loved. Asking through texts if she is ok alot of times is simply ignored. Although everyone is slightly different the one thing that I do know is not usually met with too much of a negative response is just simply saying ‘I’m here’ let them interpret the rest. Also from that state it takes such extra effort to do anything that dealing with a relationship is waaaay too much work and overwhelming for them. It took me a while to really get that one. Alot of this condition can be sooo one sided and selfish. Taking care of yourself during the hardtimes whether manic or depression phases is really vital. That’s been the hardest thing for me to remember. I would begin to let myself, my finances and my work performance go and then after she was better than we both would have too much clean up work to do. It would become ridiculous. I’ve even begun to hear from her as of late, ‘I know you’ve neglected some of your own stuff because you’ve been so busy taking care of me’. When we were apart this last time was when I found this website. It helped me when I couldn’t sleep, it helped me when I didn’t have anyone else to truly talk to about this stuff and then slowly as the interactions with my partner started to become more frequent again it helped with making different choices of how to react and respond. Keeping things light and not putting too much pressure on my partner seems to be key. But that’s primarily for the circumstance that you are in now. Timing is also very important when communicating with them when they are off or out of sorts. Again as Zuki said earlier it does seem to become like you are living in someone elses soap opera. Btw many ppl simply choose not to. I find absolutely no fault with that. Ppl have the right to choose to live with dysfunction, mental illness or a life away from the ‘leave it to beaver’ norm or not. But if you do choose to stay. Either physically or in your heart you do need to educate yourself for your sake period. This stuff and their crap can seem like it comes out of no where at times and catch you completely off guard. Overtime you can learn to predict a few triggers which can be helpful.
Read alot and often I say this as I just reread alot if old posts from when I first hopped on and found myself amazed by how much Id already forgotten. And write as much as you need to for help or just to get it out of your head.
Something else I just thought of. I read here once that for the BP ‘Its like living with your best friend and your worst enemy all at the same time’
Trusturgut/
All is never as it appears with these folks. We really do stop thinking about ourself and start to live on there ups and downs. We ride the roller coaster along with them except we have feelings of loss and we miss them when they are gone and they do not miss us and that is the sad truth. I was left feeling very confused between there manic and depressed sides. And I will be very blunt here. When things were great and having marathon sex I thought she was manic but her pictures showed a sad face… Very odd… When I thought she was depressed and getting ready to break out her pictures were of a very happy smiling face… So I assume everything was the oppiset of what I had thought.. Whats right is wrong and whats wrong is right. The only thing that stands true is when they are gone they do not care about us one tiny bit.. While you suffer and grieve they are happy and getting screwed.. And thoughts of you are only vengful.. And I do not mind hearing any conflickting things on this because this is what I have seen not only with my xgf but with another woman I know. This other woman got herself pre planned pregnant.. Only problem she did not tell the guy her plan.. Well she had the baby and convinced this guy to marry her.. Shortly after they were married she packed up her and the kid and took off on the guy leaving him a wreck. He lost his new wife and his new kid. And I have seen her out recently partying like there is no tomorrow and leaving the bar with anyone who will take her.. About a yr and a half ago she wanted to be with me but I had started dateing a diffrent girl or I would have been with her and that sorry assed guy would have been me… Some of you may be thinking that I am just sore because my girl screwed me over and took off on me and yes I will admit that I am.. But the damage she did to me and the stories from other people I know all having been destroyed by these people has left me feeling very weary of them.. I want the good people to know what is out there and to try to avoid getting involved with them unless its a absolute must… I was recently told a story of a girl that lived next to my parents.. She is also bipolar and was married about five years ago and had two children.. She recently dumped the father after five yrs of up and down marrage.. The husband and father jumped off a bridge and killed himself after being served with divorce papers.. There appears to be equal amount of men and woman who have this disease but for some odd reason the woman appear to be the worst.. Any ideas on this anyone?
PS I am very soft hearted guy and was hurt very deeply to the point where I could hardly function.
If she comes back after this last BS.. I will NOT take her back..
Listen Robert,
You are correct about so many things you said. My BP is fighting off a very bad and agitated day today. I am busy trying to stay the hell out of the way. In fact, this morn she called me from KINKOS to go to the computer find some files that I had know idea what they are called where to look or how to then get them to her email so that she could access them from where she was. Oh and I had to hurry. Mind you I was dripping wet just out of the shower but decided to not mention that because she wouldn’t have given a sh@t anyway. I found files emailed them etc and then they didn’t go through. Oh f’n well. She was not happy and said she was coming right home. I didn’t even know where she was when she first called. A little notice is a good and considerate thing for most. But they don’t live in that world especially from that state. I also had a worker coming to the house in 15mins so now I had to rush to get ready. Even I found myself getting agitated.
As far as the other ‘blunt’ stuff you mentioned You Bet. I have come to believe that the best sex comes from the manic phase the problem is when you don’t know that that’s what you are dealing with until it’s too late. Been there. Because sex releases bonding brain chemicals for a normal person we can then be left ‘in love’. I say Can. For them it might be different somehow.
Also I really believe that for women with bp their hormones play a major role which is why to you it may seem ‘worse’.
My bp started going OUT OF CONTROL after her hysteretomy 5yrs ago. And we are now of the belief through study that if it was always there it was somewhat lying dormant until the surgery. Several of her soca agree.
Also mine has also stated to me directly that she has noticed over the last few months that for a great deal of ppl if they don’t call her she really does not remember them. Although I think that’s mostly related to the concurring PTSD.
Lost and Found,
In response to women being worse, I can only give my opinion and from what I have read. I think men are more apt to go the physical abuse route, women the verbal abuse route. Maybe women in general have conditioned themselves to defend and attack with words as opposed to physically like many men do. I have also read on countless books, websites, etc… that verbal abuse is far worse than physical abuse because it is so cleear it is happening. Physical abuse is on your shell (body) whereas verbal and emotional abuse happens to your core, your soul. I would add it isn’t that simple, because physical abuse can happen with a woman beating a man and often does happen, but goes unreported. I have also heard of stories of a husband complaining of abuse and the cops laughing and not beleiving his side of the story. Men are probably less apt to get diagnosed, so the question begs to be asked, how much domestic violence cases are due to mood disorders? I think women, and I don’t want to offend the women on here, but I have notived throughout my life, that women, IN GENERAL, and that means does not apply to all, are better at using verbal attacks than men. They seem to know how to hurt people with words better than men. Men seem more apt to be content with beating or killing each other than verbally abusing each other. That isn’t to take anything away from the women on here whos male partners are verbally abusive. I am being very general.
My wife is leaving today to visit with her family. She is stressed because she has no boundaries with her family and is afraid she will be dragged into the drama. She to some extent feeds off it, but seems to understand the dynamic. Trusturgut, I like you, am looking to recharge. What you said about doing things on your time and terms is so crucial. I think the same way. There seems to be a lack of freedom to some degree in these relationships. No matter how enforcing your boundaries, it is still there, hiding, lurking, waiting to come out and you know its there, so you are never really at ease. I guess we are free to do whatever and should, but you can’t fight EVERY battle. So you pick and choose which ones to fight. When they leave for a while, there are no battles, and you can do things on your terms, when you want to. Ultimate freedom. I am planning on using the time to get stuff done and reinforce my boundaries by me seeing what life could be like.
Hi Panda
I concur with you word for word, women can cut you to pieces with their acid tongue, I have coped it for almost 6 years but i can take no more, i have said this is it, she is currently staying with me as she’s just come out of yet another episode, so once she is over her depression she’s off to her own place, it’s painful but i have to think of my own health. She understands, and there are tears here & there, she knows i mean it.
Cheers & good luck to all of you, everyone’s gunna need it subversive1 wayne
Omg I really do love each and every one of you guys and gals
You allow me to express myself. the good..the bad.. and the ugly.. and you never get mad at me even though I have expected it a few times but I have only been met with warmth and compassion. Hell you guys dont even make fun of my cruddy spelling 
I know the people on here are the best people that can be found because we all share in this life together.. I do believe we have been put here for a reason. I am still shuffling around to find my nitch in this life. Who ever is in charge may also not be sure what that is for me. But we are working on it. So I have let my BP beauty go from my heart as much as I can from this point. I will always hold her in my memeory and I am sure a little piece will remain in my heart because that is just the way it is and thats why I am so badly effected by it all. Even the thought that she has no feeling for me and will prob forget that I ever existed makes me sad. But I want to share something with you all.. I have met a new girl 
and out of all the woman I could have met she is a victom of a past rape 
But this I think I can handle 
well she is very sweet and so nice and she needs a loving and gentle hand to guid her back to a healthy life and I am going to be that man 
I know you all understand me when I say I owe you all so very much. maybe even owe you the fact I am able to be sitting here writing to you today 
my new sweet girl comes home on monday from a vacation with her family and we are going out for a nice dinner and maybe a nice walk where we can talk.. once again I love all of you and wish you all the best life has to offer.. I will always be around and reading your postings and maybe add a few myself 
I grew very attached to you guys and the bp thing has touched me so very deeply. maybe that is why I had to go throu this.. its part of my learning to be a better person..xxxooo all of you are my friends and I keep you all in highest regards.. Dean 
Panda you are correct on the abuse thing. when my girl told me the things she told me her voice with out one bit of emotion all very a matter of factly that she wants nothing more to do with me and there is nothing to talk about the coldness of it all devistated me.. I thought how could this be after all the things we done and said after all the times I waited for her to return and after I gaurded her feelings with every ounce of compassion I could muster.. just to be rejected as you would a old pair of torn socks. I believe we are all selected and put into these situations for a reason. my x wife was phyicaly abusive and yes no one wanted to hear about me getting punched in the back and things thrown at me so we hide it from people. But I think the words and the way they are used hurt me more then any physical pain could ever do.. I have a very high threshold of physical pain I can take it from me and move it to another place where I do not feel it. But the mentle abuse I cannot do. My bp was way too far gone and I have found in certain places there have been left hints that this has gone on for many years and she is at ease with her lifestyel of meeting loving hurting and running. She has made this her life. It is reflected in everything she does. people leave hints here and there and its up to us to find them or discharge them.. to decide whether we kick or stick.. trusturgut.. that is what I will do from here on in.. trust my inner feelings. I am not a superman and I had to be brought to my knees before I could except that. There is so much to each and every one of us.. and no two bpolars are exactly the same just like we are not all the same..
so sorry i have breifly looked throught these posts as not been on for 2 days and ther has been a few and i wondered where you were PANDA hehe. i reckon some people feeling guilty showing emotion, they fear people may think they are soft, do u think??? i think i may be a bit like that!! i agree with the person who said we put too much emphasis on them, as we all need to look at ourselves and the reason i say this regarding domestic violence, we can all look at ourselves regarding domestic violence, but i used to goad my childrens dad to hit me and say do it if you dare, however in my defence the first time he ever hit me i was in the car and asked him to put his seat belt on after i came back from my nanas funeral and he asked me what the f**k was the matter. from that moment on it was downhill, he had overstepped the mark and i didnt know how to deal with it. i like you robert have a high tolerance to pain, hmm, i wonder why, its cos we are used to pain, as we all will be very probably. my bf said i would never hit you, and my reply was that if you did it would hurt a whole lot less than what you do to me now!!! A broken nose heals, our rib cages heal, our jaws mend and even under the physical abuse lies emotional abuse, which is even more insidious on its own!! no one sees it, no one beleives it, its the hidden evil!! each and everyone of us can see broken bones, can people see our emotional abuse??? i remember pulling a peice of broken bone out of my nose when my dad punched me in the face drunk on a new years eve cos he didnt hve the guts to ask me if i’d been sleeping with a woman as he thought, i lied anyway to make sure he still loved me. thats not my thing, i’d done it after splitting from the kids dad, i was done with men and didnt know what i wanted or who i was. i too have been rejected again, is it the last time i do it??? i doubt it. am i or are we all gluttons for punishment??? will it go on forever??? i highly recommend looking at harville hendrix, the imago theory, please google it, or google the maximiser, the minimise and the isolator the persuer, it has been a help to me!! i got all his books rom the library, Please try to take a look. from someone who WILL most definately be put right even if i am at my death bed to do it!!!!!! M xxxxx
Dean, we love you too and are glad you have found someone, just remember to keep your boundaries intact, remember all the things said on here, and have a quick peep at the imago theory, it really makes sense, just a theory but they all worth looking at, take care and dont disappear totally. M xxxx
I do not know how things will go but I am prepared to take it slow and see what happens. I will always stop back and see along the way how you guys are doing. Life is a learning adventure and I am late in my studies
isent it strange how another person with a diffrent struggle has come into my life? God decided to go easyer on me this time i think 
I wont name all of you by name that I am greatful too because it would not be fair to those who havent made it here yet 
But you all are in my heart hopes and prayers. I get attached very easy xo
I wish I could reach into this computer and hug each and every one of you…
Big hugs are good so here they are all the way around!!!!!as soon as i find the answer guys i will post it to you all, ha i imagine in m magical thinking that there is one. but i know deep down its not supposed to be easy and this is the answer, each and everyday having support from all of you. yes i am very grateful too. Mxxxxxxxx
and remember no matter how bad thing ge we are all here to learn a lesson from each other especially our significant others, ie, if they push us away and we are too clingy, we need to learn a bit of each others traits, tht is (unfortunately) what abuse is apparently about. albeit shown in a frustrated way!! but even so just remember tht no one is ALWAYS right and learn from each other, if the other shows empathy and you dont then learn from that. i have never once initiated sex ( sorry if too much info) but relevant, how would that feel to someone?? i fear rejection – thats why, god so many things i learn everyday. heres to us all – on our journey!!!!! hopefully not too long eh??? M xxxxxxx
Yes Michelle you have found a major bulding block to the magic cure and it was right under our noses.. Help, Love and understanding.. When you find the rest of the blocks I know you will share with us and the entire world because this is what you do
Special BIG HUGGS to you girl… Love you and your magical thinking 
You are a gift to all of us.. And Audre I noticed we had chatted once on a diffrent thread a while back.. I will try to find it and copy and past to this thread… You are all so special and helpful in your own ways.. I hold each and everyone of you in the highest regards.. Panda your a big old bear xxoo 
Like I said I dont like to name names..Its not that Iv missed a name its that we havent met yet 
Everyday of their married lives, husbands and wives push against this invisible relationship boundary (fuser/isolator dynamics) in an attempt to satisfy their dual needs for attachment and autonomy. Most of the time, each individual fixates on one of those needs: one person habitually advances, in an effort to satisfy unmet needs for attachment; the other habitually retreats, in an effort to satisfy unmet needs for autonomy. For a variety of reasons, the person who typically advances begins to retreat. The partner who habitually retreats turns around in amazement: where’s my pursuer? To everyone’s surprise, the isolator suddenly discovers an unmet need for closeness. The pattern is reversed, like the flip-flop of magnetic poles, and now the isolator does the pursuing. It’s as if all couples collude to maintain a set distance between them.
http://www.goldcoastyogacentre.com/welcome/page77.php
Aw you are so lovely, please take a look at this, like i say i know they are theories but i take everything in and this is one of the best, i really understand it and how and why etc…. very helpful.
i know i love my bf and each and everytime i am rejected i wonder why, and how i can overcome it. Harville hendrix may well have it right. I think it was him that i read about and he had just got married and was on the beach with his new wife, he was wandering around picking shells and stuff and looked over to see his new wife lookin down into a pool with her shoulders slumped, miles away, he felt rejected and wondered why, but further investigations of his childhood showed tht his mother ( he was one of the youngest of nine children) used to stand in the kitchen, tired, looking after numerous children, standing over the stove with her shoulders slumped, he felt rejected, funny how what bothers us now, is all down to childhood. i can relate to this, as any partner i’ve had if they ever fancied a nap on the couch, i’d hate it, and feel abandoned, my dad used to do this every weekend and fall asleep for hours while we wanted and needed his attention, unbeleivable really. but now i can kinda know why. somehow. i have lots of other examples from my life. but maybe better to read a bit of harville and have some aha moments yourself. M xxxxxxxxxx
Trustur gut, i have thought about this time and time again, if i mispell, or anything i am going to simply carry on and i know you will still be able to read it as i have had a drink again lol. coming from a severely dysfunctional family, i’ll only quickly say, briefly and even that is long, my mother was adopted by her biological fathers sister, my nana is really my aunt and my uncle is my grandad, he is still alive at the moment and dying and they are still in touch, their brother and sister lived together as if they were a couple, my dad has a daughter from another relationship, but i never knew til i was 14, he took no responsibility for this, However i did, and we met. my dad cousin lied about a facelift and said it was a tumour and her sister took her own life along with her two children, i couldnt understand this at all, yet as the time goes by i can see how desperate someone may feel howver i could never feel this way myself, and the reason, i have the courage to change the things i can, and accept the things i cant. someone somwhere has to change or it goes on forever through our children. thats not all, my mother has abandonment issues that she says she has dealt with and i ccept that she has as far as she knows how to, however i am deeper that that, and will not stop till am satisfied that i am finished with my unfinished business. she was left by my grandad while he went to war, and my nana said, he slept with other women during this time cos he had needs, i disagree with this, faithfullness to be is paramount, but she acepted it as if it was norm, my nan had tb and was in a sanitorium for 2 years, again thrusting more abandonement onto my mother, i have no doubt she loves me, i know she does, but issues stand in the way of this love as uch as the ones tht are sdtanding between me and my kids while i frantically search for the answers so not to harm them too. if i am going to be totally truthful, i also got pregnant on purpose, a thing i would never ever do again, i did it out of total desperation to keep him, it didnt work, but i was naive at the time and wish i knew what i did now, my kids are beautiful and i would never part with them, but tht is how the both came about. i have less anger and rages, try to give people space they need, always have empathy, and try to trust, that is the hardest, obviously i am not here yet, but i will be. M xxxxxxxx
A fuser’s guide to Isolators & reactivity
Isolators ‘unconscious’ fear is that of psychological suffocation or engulfment by the needs or emotional demands of another person. (At that time with that partner)Not surprisingly, isolators are most at ease when given space. Isolators might enjoy closeness, but only in measured amounts. Isolators tend to be Minimisers & often not very in touch with, nor do they care to be in touch with, their feelings.
The greatest source of reactivity for isolators is the feeling of being controlled by the emotional demands of another person. As soon as isolators begin to feel pressured, they will dig in their heels & refuse to comply with even the simplest of requests, even those that they themselves would describe as perfectly reasonable. This is reactivity in the isolator, & once it has been set in motion, the isolator’s attention shifts almost exclusively to the process rather than the content of a discussion. The isolator’s goal at this point is to re-establish a sense of personal control over his or her autonomy & space. To this end, he or she will typically “shut down” all systems until a feeling of safety has been regained.
In general, isolators achieve & maintain their sense of personal safety by:
Being in control of themselves at all times
Keeping a degree of psychological & physical distance (i.e., a safety zone) between themselves & others
Minimizing or denying their own feelings, needs or wants, both positive & negative
Discouraging strong or upset feelings in others by “keeping the peace” & “walking on eggshells”
By increasing physical or emotional withdrawal when other methods fail
*Reactivity: The fear & automatic self-protectiveness that arise when, to the old brain, one’s psychological or physical survival has been threatened. This automatic survival instinct has been programmed into us over millions of years of evolution.
http://www.goldcoastyogacentre.com/welcome/page77.php
Hope some of you take the time to read the whole thing.
M xxxxx
Hey guys this is actually a mini S.O.S. I just had to reread even what I wrote this morning because as this the day that I thought would never end progressed it got sh&$tier. I only remember that the day started out bad but seriously couldn’t even remember why so much other crap happened. I tried so hard not to get caught up in the whirlwind but it takes over sometimes. And it really gets worse when she hasn’t had any sleep either which was the case today. Again when I woke up at 6:30 this am. She was wide awake at the computer.
Right before she was suppose to go p/up her daughter from school and was supposed to meet w/ one of her childs teachers there at 12:30 she fell asleep on the bathroom. I so wanted to let her sleep but couldn’t she needed to go and if missing the meeting with the teacher happened she still had to take her to therapy. I decided to go with her because she was so out of it. Man was she fighting being nasty. Whooo! So we made all our stops made it home and then she decides that now it’s time to tackle trying to fix the loan modification. Great! Here we go Ive tried soooo many times to clean up her shit. But it usually doesn’t end well. And of course I get blamed because Im not a hard ass enough. No-I just don’t let things go for months and then expect ppl to give me what they said they would. And if I do neglect something trust me I’ll suck it up eat the crow and pay/deal with the consequences. So I call the loan co. with what little info I had and they inform me that the loan mod was only on a trial basis until they rec’d the rest of the documents. Of course they have sent at least 3 requests for these docs as I just found out. After I got off the phne gave her the info she hit the roof! Spinning and throwing so much info at me and at rapid speed. Of she wanted me to call back ask for the suervisor and explain to them that she’s sent them these docs 5xs and that the phone call that she had originally was recorded by them and they never said anything about a trial pd but that the loan mod was done. Then came the looking for all of this paperwork. We have torn this house apart. Gone through ever piece of paper and nothing. I know she’s going to want to do this again tomorrow. And she’s going to want me to call these ppl again try not to be so nice and get this thing done. Because as she said she really can’t handle any more stress and frankly I Agree. Even though she brings so much of this stuff upon herself. The stress besides bringing on the rage also induces black outs. And she’s going to lose her house. And she has fought like hell to keep it. I’m so glad she passed out reading her daughter a story I could do a jig if my owns legs weren’t so wobbly from absolute exhaustion. This shit with her trying to clean up the wreckage of her illness N-E-V-E-R ends…
I have been so busy, and my company is cracking down on internet usage.
I probably will not be able to write as much.
Trusturgut,
When you say they bring stress on themselves I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, stress seems to be a trigger with most of the partners on here. It is like a vicous cycle. For me, what seemed to help with MY stress….most importantly right
, because we honestly need to start being a little more selfish…is understanding what is and isn’t my responsibility. That doesn’t mean you can’t help when something isn’t your responsibility, it just distinguishes it from stuff you are responsible for and gives you the choice of how you want to proceed. For me, that took a huge load of stress off me, because I found myself taking responsibility for everything. When I was less stressed, I was able to “handle” my wife more calmly and correctly. I was able to think more clearly about how to proceed with certain situations.
WARNING…doing this will upset your partner, they may feel abandoned or that you don’t care. That is why it must be explained clearly and firmly to your partner when you decide to not take responsibility for something. Even then your partner will probably be upset. Only do this if you are prepared to follow through, otherwise, it would be an empty threat and they would learn that complaining/yelling/screaming/name calling/guiltingwill get them the results they want. Like I said before, it is like raising a child.
Lost and found/Robert & Audre
Thank you for your comments. I think like everyone on here I have the good days and the bad days but I’m trying to be strong at the moment, this board helps a lot.
Wayne/subversive1
Your pain comes through in what you wrote. The things we go through with these problems are heartbreaking. I’ve so far been lucky that I haven’t had to choose whether or not to stay together after unfaithfulness (not since we have lived together at any rate). I can’t know for certain but I feel very strongly that I wouldn’t, actually it is more like couldn’t, tolerate it, but that may have more to do with my own jealousies. I have at times almost wished that he would in order that I could wash my hands of the situation. That said, I’m aware that could well just be brave words and you probably never really know until it happens. I think that probably the best advice though would be make sure that you make your choices according to what you feel are your boundaries on that kind of thing. Make up your mind if you are the kind of person who really can stay with a relationship in those circumstances without allowing it to poison you. I think probably I’m not that kind of person. I do respect people who are like that, and could almost wish myself to be like that but realistically I just know that deep down I’m not. Maybe you can live with it ok and the pain go away with time but I imagine that you will be able to deal with it better if you are aware that you are making a choice about your own limitations and what you’re prepared to do. In short make sure that you are considering yourself in the equation.
Well said zuki
But here’s an update, since her last episode, she was staying with me, purely until she was over her depression…then on sunday morning last. i’m awoken by a crash….i go out and she’s slipped into the bathroom,… i find cake all over the floor, go back to the bed, & she’s out to it… i go to golf after i clean up the cake… come back at around lunch time and she’s still in bed!! i open the blinds & say it’s 1.30 honey… no answer, i go out to kitchen for a panadine forte, and can’t find them, my valium,,, gone, I’d only picked the scripts up the day before,…. so i call emergency straight away…. they arrive, stablizer.. and race her to hospital…. long story short….. she is in a mental facility for a few months….. i have decided to give it one more chance…. I don’t want her death to be a constent reminder… I just couldn’t do it to her…. she thought she couldn’t go on without me….. some may say its emotional blackmail but she isn’t that type, she simply hit the wall or rock bottom if you like…
Trusturgut,
I know that feeling well… the one where you breath a sigh of relief when they’ve finally fallen asleep. At times I’ve looked at the clock in the early evening and ended up mentally counting down the hours. It is exhausting.
I agree with what Panda said about knowing what is and isn’t your responsibility and making a conscious differentiation. It isn’t easy to remember advice when under stress but I try to keep small things in mind – I imagine myself wearing a t-shirt that says ‘spectator’ to remind myself that I can disconnect. Otherwise I’m expected to solve all problems and know the answer to everything. I’m often found repeating ‘I don’t know everything, I’m not Wikipedia’, ..not that he believes me!
Michelle,
My heart goes out to you. I’m also from a dysfunctional family for various reasons, parents with alcohol problems who emigrated leaving me behind when I was a teenager. Its easy to end up searching our souls for what is wrong with us and where we’re going wrong but don’t forget that it is how you act now that really matters. Other people’s actions aren’t your fault, past, present and future. I know I’m not perfect, I’m slightly neurotic, at times insecure and demanding but I do know that whatever the worst that can be said about me is – even if everything I’ve ever been accused of were true, I know I’ve never been cruel to another soul when they’re already hurting and trying to make peace. In my book that makes my faults trivial in comparison to the emotional cruelty I’ve had to deal with. Its not a competition of course but make sure that you’re not blaming yourself indirectly for other people’s behaviour.
remember neurotic and psychotic are different
there’s got to be a joke in there somewhere…
..the neurotic and the psychotic walk into a pub…
couple of web pages I was browsing
about empathy
http://changingminds.org/explanations/emotions/empathy.htm
and empathizing versus objectifying
http://changingminds.org/explanations/preferences/empathy_object.htm
Hey Everyone! Got a email from the ex yesterday. She is sorry for the mean things she said last time and wants to see me. Things did not work out with the woman she left me for. I have not responded to her yet. For me that is a very big step!
morning all, i liked the empathy stuff zuki, i had a good look at that. Am not happy panda that they have cut your internet usage!!!!! hope you are all well and looking after yourselves.
Step 8MIRROR/MIRROR-Borderlines have an un-canny ability to do something called projection & projection identification. Projection is when they accuse you of behaving in ways in which they are actually the ones exhibiting the behavior. Projection identification is when a Borderline has accused you of behaving in a certain way for so long, that eventually you actually end up confirming their assumptions by exhibiting the behavior. A good example is if they accuse you of rejecting them, (see step 2) though you are in no way rejecting them, but because of their persistent, erratic behavior & accusations, you finally recognize that you are in a ‘no-win’ situation, therefore you’ve had enough and decide to save yourself and leave the relationship. In their mind they tell themselves, “AHA!,I KNEW IT ALL ALONG, I KNEW THEY DIDN’T WANT ME, I KNEW THEY DIDN’T REALLY LIKE ME, AND I KNEW THAT ONE DAY THEY’D JUST UP & LEAVE ME!” Yet, they totally overlook that (1)you didn’t just up & leave them because of some secret agenda you always had to “dump them”,and (2)you left them because their behavior finally pushed you away! Unfortunately, they will not see it that way, instead they will see it as a “revelation” as to who you “really were” all along, and not for what it really is, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy on their part that THEY created.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4792594_love-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd.html
This is a piece from this website, and i put it on cos this is definately what happens, the projection thing, i started behaving how i was told i behaved yet never had done before, if told i was mad all the time i would eventually be mad all the time, told i was crazy and eventually started to beleive i was, so many things i was told, i turned into. told was not passionate and had a cold heart – yeah right, but i started to beleive it! take a peak anyways, and also youtube AJ. Mahari, she has some useful tips. oh and lots of expensive e books too etc, which i’ll give a miss!!
be back soon
M xxxxx
Hi lost and found, hope you are well.
M xxxxx
Here is a bit of AJ Mahari’s stuff, i just love her sh’s great, a recovered BPD, i know its long but just skip over it if of no interest but it is quite interesting, its from
http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderintimpushpull.htm
Ebooks © A.J. Mahari
——————————————————————————–
I was asked this question on an email list by a non borderline:
A non-borderline asks: “Can you to talk in more depth about the experience of push/pull in intimacy — what it is like for the non-borderline and how does a borderline hurt them with his/her behavior?”
Firstly, I think it prudent to mention that when one is in the throes of BPD (and certainly within the throes of a triggered “reality” — meaning acting out of the past –dissociated to one degree or another from the “here and now”) that often there is not much if any true insight or understanding into just how one’s behaviour is effecting someone else; or that it is at all. This is part and parcel of the narcissistic reality of the borderline. Again, as I have pointed out in other articles, one of the major ways that BPD effects borderlines is by preventing or stunting their emotional growth/maturity. So much of the borderline’s behaviour (especially when triggered) stems from the narcissistic child-like reality of being the centre of the universe. The borderline does not think or feel this way to be cruel but because they have not matured and developed, emotionally, beyond this conception.
In hindsight now I can say that it can take a lot of gut-wrenching work to understand exactly how one is hurting a non-borderline partner (or friend) with their behaviour. Some borderlines may have fleeting (inconsistent) insight into this from time to time but overall the borderline’s preoccupation and or obsession with (what is essentially the absence of) self makes it next to impossible for him/her to be aware of much emotionally beyond what they are feeling and experiencing.
In my healing this was one of the last insights to come — it was grief-filled and one of the most difficult ones to integrate. Realizing how I had treated (and hurt) others (those who cared about me and loved me) was very painful. It was something that didn’t mesh with who I knew myself to be at all. Though I take full responsibility for how I did hurt others it was never my intention to do so.
For me, at core, the push/pull in intimacy came out of three things:
1) A shifting sense of reality: The past and the here and now melding together too often….therefore my past partners would become one of my parents….in my psyche and I would then respond in the now to them (then) the ways in which I responded to my parents as a child/teen. I would be triggered back and not catch on to the trigger until I had already “acted out” my past and done damage to a loved one.
2) Not knowing how to take care of myself: I did not have the mental health or the maturity to identify my own needs and then meet them myself. It was my shifting of this responsibility onto others that caused me to be needy and demanding. It was this neediness and demanding along with the inherent perceived/learned helplessness that led me to pull for what I though was intimacy (someone else meeting my needs was my borderline definition subconsciously). When the intimacy was not what I wanted it to be I would then push it away and be angry and full of rage, feel hurt and cheated and then want to get even with the person for that. (I did not understand this when I was doing it though)
3)Ambivalence: (and an unstable sense of identity) believing and not believing I was really loved or cared for and about… up until a couple of years ago it was still next to impossible for me to hold the big picture. (To appreciate what was really happening in any given interaction between me and someone else — overall as opposed to what I perceived as happening from a narcissistic point of view) So in the absence of the big picture, and seeing only bits and pieces of it I could not consistently hold (or remain aware of) what was in fact, transpiring between my significant other and me….old paranoid, non-trusting thoughts that they were trying to “f___” with me would keep coming up. (Thoughts that were born out of the damage of all the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my parents.)
The reason a borderline engages in push/pull behaviour is simple (yet to truly understand it when borderline is complex) Intimacy in my youth was what *SO* hurt, damaged and wounded me. (and many borderlines) It wasn’t really intimacy but it was all I understood intimacy to be. So what happened as I got older (still not maturing emotionally due to the BPD) was that I (like anyone) wanted/craved intimacy….but the second I got some I was terrified that my past was going to happen all over again. (That I would feel annihilated) This, then…..along with my own ambivalence and lack of emotional maturity saw me conjure up certain thoughts (based upon fears that were based upon past experience with what I thought intimacy was) that would then lead me to strike out either because I misperceived stuff and felt I was being hurt or lied to and or because I had already made up (what was at the time) my very cognitively-distorted mind about what the other person was doing or was about to do to me.
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here is the rest – i said it was long!!!
This distortion, the belief (based on nothing but the past) that the person, in the here and now, is going to “get you” then leads a borderline to “act out” –push away….after pulling you in…and the entire thing (the distorted fear of the borderline) then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can take years to come to own and understand this though. A big part of BPD is the distorted thinking. In the throes of distorted thinking one *CANNOT* see that it is oneself and not the other (non-borderline) that is doing the pushing and pulling and that is causing pain and heartache to a person that they claim to love and who is trying to love them. (Thus causing themselves more pain at the same time)
It’s as if a person loving a borderline is a hot burner. And the borderline, in childhood got really burned on that burner….well…the borderline both needs the heat from that burner but very much fears that burner…..so in this dilemma then the borderline approaches the burner….seeks the heat, but once close enough to be warmed gets overwhelmed and terrified (perhaps the level of heat is too great and or not what the borderline expected or wanted that minute) and so pushes away from the burner…..or pushes the burner away from them.
After some time passes the borderline gets cold again and fear and all needs to bring that burner, that heat, closer again…and so the cycle goes.
When I was involved in push/pull in a relationship I would literally through my need bring a partner closer. Once they had moved in closer I would realize that they couldn’t meet my needs for me (though when in the throes of BPD I did not understand this). Upon realizing they couldn’t meet my needs (and no one can meet the basic needs of another-I didn’t know this then) there would be the anger of an infant left alone, terrified and screaming in a crib ….hungry, thirsty and with skin hunger, longing to be touched and held….and the push…the “I don’t care”, the “f___ off” the “screw you”; all of which really are what the borderline is saying about their own relationship to self at that given moment, would follow. It was the pain of realizing that my needs couldn’t be met by this person that (again I was not consciously aware of this then) would cause the push as I felt overwhelmed, annihilated and furious that I was being left alone with in the company of all of my own unmet needs. Instead of understanding that I had to meet my own needs and that I had to take personal responsibility for myself I (for years) continued to transfer this onto a significant other (as if they were a parent instead of a partner) When I told a partner or friend to “get lost” I was “losing myself” too.
The point I really want to make here is that until a certain amount of healing is done and or insight is acquired by a borderline they are just NOT capable of intimacy. To expect that they are is to set yourself up. The non-borderline is looking for and expecting adult intimacy in a relationship while the borderline is trying to find the parent (s) they never had and is seeking to be re-parented.
Push/pull is the ultimate expression of borderline ambivalence and it is born out of intra-psychic terror. It is not something designed to just hurt the non-borderline. In different ways it hurts both the borderline and the non- borderline.
I hurt my significant others with push/pull by being demanding: making demands that they could not possibly meet (again I didn’t know that then) and then when they did not meet my demands and take care of me etc (and at that point in my life it was *ALL* about ME) I would lash out. The mindset was, well, you “screwed me” so “I’ll get you”. When I was borderline and needy like that my partner’s inability to meet my needs…..or in essence to be my parent was a major trigger back to all that my parents didn’t do that they “should” have done. It would trigger the loss and if one is not in a place to feel and to deal with one’s pain it is then thrust out onto the one closest.
In my past I was emotionally and physically abusive to a partner (years ago) because I projected my stuff/past and my feelings of helplessness and lack of control onto her. (And because I did not, at that time, take responsibility for my feelings and my pain) She then, in effect, the closer she got to me (the more I “needed” her) became the “monster” in the closet…in my mind…when really (as I well know now) the “monster” was my unchecked emotions and my failure to take adult personal responsibility for my own stuff and feelings. The monster is not the borderline it is the borderline’s inability to take personal responsibility and to clearly differentiate the past from the “here and now”. The “monster” is the damage that was done to the borderline as a child and the “monster” is BPD, itself.
I would name call, belittle her and play tons of head games. I was manipulative. I left this relationship almost four years ago now. I think I have just gotten over most of the grief for how badly I hurt this person in the last year or so. I have finally forgiven myself. Regardless of what happened there comes a time (once you’ve owned your behaviour and mistakes) when you have to realize that you did do the best you could do with what you had or knew.
I would like non-borderlines to know that (as was the case for me) I believe that borderlines (many, maybe not all) deep down care greatly about the hurt that they perpetuate against you. (When they are aware of it — when they can see it — often borderlines will project it out onto you so that you- the non-borderline are then accused of all the actions and behavoiur of the borderline) In order for the push/pull to stop the borderline must take responsibility for it.
In summary, though I was not consciously aware of this then, I “needed” to hurt her as much as I hurt because she was unable to validate my pain. (Of course expecting anyone to validate or hold or take care of one’s pain is childish and not realistic — again, I know that now, but I did not know that then.) It was very much a love-hate relationship. Whenever there is love/hate someone (if not both parties) are going to be severely and repeatedly hurt. It is NOT healthy.
I was also hurting myself through her which is the ultimate narcissistic reality. A borderline, so lost to self, often sees “other” as self and thus treats “other” the way they have been treated…..very abusively. Borderlines have all the charm and charisma in the world and are good at attracting others….they have to be because (until they heal enough to know themselves) they do not and cannot exist in the absence of the mirrored image of self that comes only from “other”.
Within the realm of intimacy the borderline asks the impossible of both his/herself and the significant other in his/her life, without knowing it. Both then are destined to fail. More relationships than not are also destined to fail. Until a borderline heals to the point of the insight that I have now there is no way that they can escape the perpetuating of the push/pull cycle.
Borderline Personality Disorder, though complex, can be simplified, in the realm of the push/ pull reality when intimacy is attempted, by saying that a borderline (active throes of BPD – not yet done some healing) is incapable of adult (emotional) intimacy because the very nature of the disorder is such that they have not emotionally matured to the degree required in order for emotionally healthy-adult-intimacy to exist. To believe anything less is to set yourself up for continued heartache. And to all the non-borderlines who continue (quite understandably) to ask me if they can help “their borderline”, the answer is no. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.” It is not in your best interests (or the best interests of the borderline in your life) for you to try to take on the responsibility of getting the borderline help or of leading them to the water. Borderlines have to first find the ocean that is their pain on their own and then they must learn to swim across it and to find both the professional help that they need and the help from within themselves that they need to tap into in order to get well.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari, November 26, 1999
Zuki
I absolutely loved the idea of putting on my ‘spectator’ shirt. It was referred to me once as the objective observer. In the moment I can already tell that it’s going to be hard to pull off and remember.
She was reading some of my legal documents today and as I innocently interjected she looked at me dead in the face and said ‘stop talking now’ not wanting things to escalate I chuckled and said ‘stop talking to me in that way’ and then she walked away. Then she left for awhile. When she returned she was better.
One another note my ex evidently reported my car as stolen. A very vengeful act! I was pulled over by 5 cop cars went through hell and they wound up towing my car. I still do not have it back. I am utterly disgusted! Somehow she was able to get the title from joint names into just hers. The police officers knew that this was a domestic situation which is why they didn’t arrest me but said they had no choice but to pound my vehicle. It’s a nice car but 11yrs old. And it’s my only transportation. So far my partner and I have been able to share one vehicle but it’s the weekend w not too many places to go. This week I expect it to be hell. The police told me that I can get my ex for filing a false police report which is serious business. But like I need more things to do or more crap on my plate
My god Trusturgut, that is vengeful. As if you didn’t have enough to worry about. If you don’t file the report, could do it again? At least if you file the report, if she does it again, she could see jail time. If not and she does it again, would you be right back to square one? I wouldn’t want to go through that again.
Zuki,
I love the spectator analogy too. I will have to remember that one. Sometimes I can forget and get dragged into responsibilities that are not mine. It can happen so fast, not matter how prepared we are. My wife is making big strides and seems to be growing emotionally. The funny thing is I am noticing her being more emotionaly mature during times of clarity than she was before, but she will still lose control often enough for me to realize that it isn’t going away without her getting help. I can only do so much. I will say that I have noticed that the times she loses it she comes back to reality faster (as long as I keep my cool and my boundaries). I think I am helping her get back to reality faster and when she is there, she is more able to see the reality of her actions and mine. Once again, the issue is still there, I am certain that if I backed off my boundaries things would spiral down fast.
Thank you Michelle
I am doing a little better each day. And Im here with you guys 
My Buds..
Trusturgut/
hang in there. Divorce Is tuff but itl get better in time.. I know where you are at… But it will get better
Hi all, I have found THE website -
http://joy2meu.com
it has got everything on there, its robert burneys website who wrote the dance of wounded souls, i’m gonna order it, its got rave reviews!! hope you all take the time to have a peek at the website.
take care all. M xxx
Thanks Michelle for the website can’t wait to look at it and the title certainly speaks to me right now. And everyone your support means so much. It’s truly been a rough couple of days. I need sleep now though.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what Michelle wrote about the way we can end up buying into what they say we are doing (not her words exactly but that’s how I interpreted it) and I think there is definitely something in that. I thought that I was being really strong but I’m pretty certain that yesterday I let myself (just a little) buy into my husband’s delusions for a part of the day if not the whole day. He’s switched again and is now feeling that he is trapped in the relationship and that he is like a prisoner who is prevented from leaving by various factors – my attitude towards him among them. Anyway, we’ve been down this road several hundred (not an exaggeration) times before and I know that even when he has actually packed his bags and left (or I have left) he has ended up changing his mind and deciding that really he wants to be with me for whatever reason he feels at the time. But, despite knowing the full script of the play, I still find myself doubting my own reality and wondering if he really is trapped in this relationship. I forget that I’ve promised myself that I won’t buy into it anymore. I’m certain that after being messed around as much as I have been that I don’t have any moral obligation to take his rejections seriously until some time after he has left. Yet still I find myself being drawn into the drama and there I was thinking that perhaps I’m not the one for him after all – maybe he is trapped in a relationship with someone he doesn’t love and would be happier if he left. The point I want to make is not that it isn’t really true, of course it could be, but that I spent a day feeling that way. It depleted my energy and made me feel low about myself – when in fact the truth or falsity of it isn’t really the point. I just ended up being drawn into spending a day dwelling on his emotional reality and forgetting to look after my own state of mind in the process. It was fairly subtle, not a big drama at the moment but still… it made me remember what I was reading here. Even when you don’t actually end up reacting with words or engaging in argument you can still end up being drawn into delusional perceptions. Will take a look at that new site later on when I have a little more time.
Its not that I’m not prepared to accept that I might be the wrong person for him its just that I can’t possibly take him seriously every single time he feels that way because it would be impossible to function. It sometimes feel like I am drowning alongside a loved one who is drowning and struggling even more than I am… I’m trying to stay on the surface while he is dragging me under and I want us both to survive but I can’t help him if he keeps dragging me under. Maybe I can’t save him but somebody has to get through the day without there being a drama. I actually had a long day yesterday busy doing other things and I didn’t really have the energy to end up wasting my time considering the pros and cons of the relationship. Sorry, starting to rant now! lol
aw zuki, its so hard isnt it. you are not the wrong person infact prob the complete oppposite, we learn from each other. my bf used to need space yet i needed closeness, what we learn from that is that sometimes i need to back off and suffer the anxiety and sometimes he needs to come closer without feeling engulfed which will also cause anxiety – i think its all about looking at things from the others point of view too. god this is hard – i’m desperate to make things right. M xxx
Something I found of intrest. Thought it may be of some help to those of us who are or were dealing with a BP partner.. First, mania and hypomania
I’m going to leave out all the objectively bad things for you that can happen during hypomania/mania – damaging relationships, losing jobs, spending yourself into debt, etc. – and instead concentrate on the subjective-type-stuff that happens during mania (data from table in Goodwin and Jamison):
percentage and symptom
76% flight of ideas / racing thoughts
75% Distractibility / poor concentration
29% confusion
54% delusions
29% persecutory/paranoid delusions
Hallucinations: 18% auditory, 12% visual, 15% olfactory
19% thought disorder
By definition you can’t get delusions or hallucinations in hypomania (if you do, it’s considered mania instead), but you can certainly get racing thoughts and crappy concentration (I don’t know how common confusion is, but I’ve seen the first two mentioned a lot).
Hi All,
I am still on holiday but try to read all the posts. I was just sent this article.
http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2010/04/27/interview_whitaker_anatomy_of_an_epidemic?source=newsletter
What do you think?
Talk to you next week.
Thanks Michelle, its good to come in here and let off steam!
I’ll look up hypomania, is it a milder mania? I think my husband definitely has the one with delusions and paranoia. Also confused thinking, – he very often patches together two completely separate memories and sometimes imagines things completely. I’ve only known him have audio hallucinations on one occasion and he hasn’t ever told me about any others.
He’s back to friendly again now but a little cold and distant.
It makes more sense now than it used to so it has become easier to live with over the years but it still catches me off guard now and then.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hi All,
Zuki I’m being to think you and I are living with the exact same person. It’s freaking me out a little. I am officially back to being chronically exhausted. So much so that I just made an announcement that I am going to bed early tonight. She’s having company tonight anyway. It happens to be someone that I know she’s periodically interested in. I found out about the visit after I made the announcement that shit makes me sick. But Im almost too tires to care.
Zuki what I meant this re: the similiarities was the piecing of memories together. Funny how none of the memories are go I’ll bet though. Otherwise Im not Id care as much.
I’m sitting in a restaurant waiting to pick up dinner right now and can feel myself not wanting to go home.
I also feel very sad tonight. Funny how this website is focused on why our bp’s shut us out and/or run away. And tonight Im the one that wants to run
Zuki,
I finally remembered the other thing that I wanted to respond to that you wrote a day or two ago. I believe it was about you husband wanting to leave or saying that he wasn’t happy or you two weren’t right for each other.
That is the exact reason that I am going through a divorce right now. My ex used to say the same things constantly. Finally I said you know what Im not stopping you this time! And that is what started the ball rolling of my 15 year relationship. I just got sick and tired of being the sole emotional proprietor of our relationship.
Trusturgut,
I know that feeling well. I often find myself not wanting to go home or go into the same room… weird feeling isn’t it. I become aware of the feeling and end up thinking to myself ‘this is definitely not good’. I also find myself feeling bad when I’m out somewhere doing something completely unrelated and my mind inadvertently wanders back to the situation. I think that must be some part of our minds telling us, hang on a minute, there is something seriously wrong here.
One of the things that freaks me out is how mine slips from pursuing me obsessively into rejection mode without any acknowledgement that there has been any change. I know for certain that on 17th 18th 19th of this month he was telling me that he loves me incessantly and all sorts of promises going on about how much he would help me. Demanding constant attention and following me around. Then a couple of days ago he starts to go a bit quiet and distant and we’re back to the paranoid delusions and accusations. There’s no explanation as to what happened in between and nothing at all seems to have happened or changed. I’m just expected to understand that he feels that way with no indication why the change, and actually no indication that he recognises that there has been a change. He seems to have completely forgotten everything he said the week before and not know that his behaviour has changed.
When you said about how your relationship got to divorce it jogged my memory of a relationship my grandmother had before she met my grandfather. (My grandparents had a terrible relationship – he was an abusive drunk and I’ve often thought that the influence of that relationship really damaged my mother psychologically and wondered if that in turn affected me and here I am having ended up with someone who is emotionally/psychologically/verbally abusive.) Anyway, what I remembered about her is that she spent her life deeply regretting a relationship that she had ended – apparently she had been engaged to a man for thirteen years and she used to regularly get angry with him and throw the ring back at him. He used to tell her that one day he would keep the ring and not give it back (the bit I remembered when you said that this time you’re holding her to it). This went on for some time and then eventually one day she threw the ring and he kept it. They broke up and she went on to meet and marry my grandfather and spend the rest of her life very unhappy and regretting ending the past relationship. I realise now that she probably already had some serious personality and relationship problems before she even met my grandfather. Not a very encouraging story I’m afraid but a true one. I’ve also known several other people whose previous (difficult) partner went on to have even worse relationships after they split up. Maybe they just can’t live without the drama and intensity of the conflict. Sad really. I find it exhausting.
Zuki
your story about your grandmother was a very poignant one. There’s an old adage, the states if you don’t work out your issues in your current relationship, you can count on having another opportunity in the next one. In my experience it’s usually more intense too as if the universe is saying, ‘hey maybe I’ll catch your attention this time’.
On another note I just rec’d the police report that my ex filed for my stolen car. It’s so filled with lies I could hardly believe it. Even down to the color of my eyes. How unobservant can one person be after 15yrs. At any rate, I’m really hoping this works in my favor in order to get her for filings false police report. The fact that I even have to go through all this ridiculousness really frys me. I’ve stayed out of trouble my whole life.
Hi again.
I don’t know what to do anymore. :/ My boyfriend has become extremely selfish recently. He doesn’t seem to care about things I want or doing things that make me unhappy. Anytime I try to talk to him about how I feel he shuts me out and says he has heard it all a million times before and it’s annoying. He just started seraquel (sp) and while it has helped his depression and manic stages, he has changed so much. He leaves every time he gets mad and won’t discuss anything with me without it leading to a break up. I’m so torn because I have put my heart and soul into this relationship, and it’s not enough anymore.
For a long time, I have blamed the lack of love and care in our relationship on his Bipolar, but now I am questioning does he really even love me?
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel like I have tried everything. And he never has..
Brie, I understand fully how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this too. This site has been such a bright spot in my day at times I am so thankful we can express what we hide from other people because they just don’t understand. Hang In There with us All!
Nae
Hi All! I have accepted the fact that the one I love does not love me back. Where do I go from here? Pick up my broken heart and move on? How do you do that when you love someone that loves to “use” you? I need a strong Dr. Pepper!! LoL
Nae
Brie,
Every word you wrote could apply to my situation. I honestly don’t know, and never really have known, whether or not I am truly loved back. All I know for sure is that there is no consistency. I don’t know if this will be of any help but you can at least focus on one thing – if things were always the way that you describe now then you probably wouldn’t be with him and probably wouldn’t be feeling in pain right now. Think about it, if he acted like this all the time then would you want to be with him? Forgive me if I’m reading more into what you’ve written than you actually intended but when I feel as you describe those are the times that I feel doubt that I can carry on with things the way they are. At those times I sometimes end up realising that if he never switched back again then in a sense the problem is solved because if he were always selfish then I would soon get completely sick of him as there would be nothing to love. Sorry if this sounds a bit mad but it helps me because it reminds me that he does switch back and it helps to remind me that if he didn’t switch back – every time this happens – then I wouldn’t still be here. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I use it as a reality check for myself. Also, while you are wrapped up in experiencing his feelings – or lack of feelings – don’t forget your own feelings matter too. Sometimes they just can’t be there for us, maybe they never really can be ‘there’ for us, we have to look out for ourselves.
Trusturgut,
I know this might sound a bit weird but could your ex be giving a false description because she feels guilty about the false report and doesn’t want you to get arrested?
I wish i had found this site earlier, after reading all this I might have been able to at least realize why my Now ex was so mad and upset all the time..I knew something was wrong and i did aproach her two weeks before we split up asking if she was bipolar and she lost it! the morning after we split up I called her mother and asked for the truth and they admitted she was diagnosed being bipolar..the real sad story is she is 3 months pregnant with my baby..I was soo looking forward to this experience.. and am still shaking and scratching my head over this..I really truly love her but she wants no more..anyway thanks for keeping this site up..and I wish all the very best
John,
Learn all you can about this disorder. Read through this whole board if you haven’t done so already. It may take you a long time, but it is filled with real life experiences and tactics and viewpoints that might help. Some of the lucky ones have a choice to leave and not have the other in their lives. Not exactly easy, but easier than knowing that even if you leave, there is no escpaing the disorder. You and others like you are linked, at least for 18 years, probably a lot longer by way of the baby. It is absolutely in your best interest to learn as much as you can, to not only enable you to interact with the mother of your child in a civilized way, but also to be able to help your child when he/she has to deal with their mother. I can guarentee you it will affect this child in some way, and that is why you NEED to be the “normal” parent to role model good behavior. You need to be the stable one for your future child. Maybe she will come around, or maybe she won’t, I would wager on her coming around myself knowing what I know about these disorders, but I would never wager on these people because although they act in very predictable ways, they can also act in very unpredictable ways as well.
My guess would be the stress of having a baby could have sent her into an episode. Who knows. Focus on yourself and your future child. If she comes around, you want to be prepared to deal with her. If she doesn’t come around, you want to be prepared to deal with her.
Do you understand what I am saying…with child, you now NEED to know how to deal with her. That means establishing boundaries, knowing your legal rights, and being able to remain calm despite her inability to control her anger. Keep notes of conversations for legal purposes with dates and times. You will find this actaully helps with not only understanding the disorder, but also in helping you deal with losing her if that is what she wants. Nothing makes you not miss the one you love than reading hateful emails or reading through notes detailing hateful and hurtful comments made at you. Hang in there John.
Zuki,
At first when I read your idea I thought wow maybe your right a back ass way of not being completely off the wall and wicked. But then I remembered that she put in my real name and birthdate into the report. So I don’t know for sure.
I have so much to report myself on my current situation but it’s been an extremely long weekend and I am wiped out. I think I should change my name to perpetually tired
Wayne,
After reading what you wrote it simply reiterated why I love this site so much. You knew that you could say that you were going to give things one more try because you know that it’s what’s right for you and feel secure that you were not going to get berated.
I had a conversation with my mother last night and finally told her about the struggles and circumstances that my bp partner has been dealing with. Her response, of course, was not all that positive. I know she’s my mom and only wants for my happiness but it was time for her to know. At one point she said Its too much I don’t want to hear anymore. I wasn’t even giving her details just the highlights of the story of my partner and her daughter and all that they’ve been through in the last 5yrs. In hopes of providing some insight around the rumors that I know my mother has heard. Oh well, I’m not naive enough to think that everyone will embrace me or certain things with open arms. But my mother is in recovery herself as is her husband and he has severe ADD. She has spent years wailing to me about her frustrations re: him.
Just like with my ex I believe we really know when we are done or not. Sometimes I miss certain aspects of security but definitely not the lonliness or the lack of intimacy. I don’t know if life is a trade off but I do believe we move on to the next lesson when we are ready.
Hi trusturgut
yea but it wasn’t such a hard decision, i see it like this, i feel i owe her 1 more chance, after all, if i say it’s over she would do the job… and make sure it’s done right.
I choose not to have that on my conscience…. & it’s not what i’d call emotional blackmail as we both love each other.
I simply could not live with myself if i didn’t give it one more go, like i say, i owe her that much after 6 years of one another. Going to see her again tomorrow…. think she will be in for some time yet…. She said she had no reason to live
subversive1
Wayne, I totally understand what you are saying. It is the way I feel about my son… I had to do all that I could to try to get him back on his feet. If it doesn’t work, then I can say that I tried. All the best to you both.
Hi All,
I am just back to the stress from a wonderful two week holiday. Boy do I understand stress… I am expecting a blow up any minute.
But I am sticking to my guns. I will not be disrespected again without pointing it out.
Take care…
I need some advice on how to get the “ball back in my court”.
My “boyfriend” (we are currently on a break up) knows he can get me to do whatever he wants because he threatens me with breaking up. He also knows, that if we break up I have nowhere to go. Although, I am currently staying at his moms <3. Therefore he uses that to his advantage. Basically, I need him to realize that he does need me back. Ah, this is probably really confusing. Hmm.. Well, I'm worried right now because I guess you could say I have been his babysitter for the past 2 years. Making sure he is awake for his appointments, taking his medicine, staying off drugs and alcohol. But since that is what he wants, he doesn't want me.
Zuki,
I understand what you are saying. I try to think like that, and most of the time it does help me forgive and forget. Because no, things aren't bad all the time. Yesterday, we got into a small argument and both apologized to each other later. He also started doing small things for me, and I was so impressed because he had been showing me he cared- finally! Except, this morning his mom told me that he has been telling her he wanted to end things with me, he even told her it again last night. After everything was fine.
I'm just so confused, and probably not making sense.
Hi Brie,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Do you really have nowhere else to go?
I don’t have any advice but they always seem to be able to get us to do things for them. They have a way to control and, personally, I am trying to break that hold that my son has over me. It will be good for him and for me, I think, if he can realize that he has to take responsibility for his own life and actions. I am through seeing his mental state as a reason for his meanness. I think that is what they call enabling.
You are worth more than that Brie and I sincerely hope that you can find a way to resolve the issues and be happy.
I hope this helps. My xgf would not cooperate. But maybe yours will.. Even though I have moved on I am still trying to find the answers to this bp. It has changed my life forever. Just type into your browser cure for bipolar or natural cure for bipolar and you will find the page with more info.
A Natural Cure for Bipolar Disorder
These news that mineral supplements provide a powerful natural remedy for bipolar disorder is proof of all I’ve been saying in these pages. Featured on Canada’s national CTV news on Oct. 5. 2000, this news item dramatically confirms the supreme effectiveness of the daily seafood dietary routine described here. This simple, totally natural, and completely side effect-free diet delivers the supreme promise of a normal life to almost all sufferers from Bipolar Disorder within a few months.
Here is the real life story of a man who cured his Bipolar Disorder with the daily seafood diet in four months, after suffering from this terrible disorder for 20 years.
UPDATE – Dec. 28, 2004
you may be interested to know that this author had been invited by the University of Geneva, on behalf of the International Society on System Science in Health Care [ISSSHC], to present a poster titled –
“The quick and highly effective cure and prevention of many cancers, many incurable physiological, neurological, cardiovascular, late-onset, auto-immune, degenerative and chronic diseases, influenza, many allergies and birth defects, by natural nutritional means”
based upon the powerful health information in these pages at -
The 8th International Conference on Systems Science in Health Care
co-sponsored by the World Health Organisation,
in Geneva, September 1st to 4th, 2004
author and poster at the Geneva Health Conference
Worth noting is that my proposal for a paper or a poster had been scrutinized and passed muster by the Selection Committee consisting of top health researchers in 38 countries, and the Scientific Committee consisting of 11 Medical Professors at 4 Universities.
All the details can be found in “A GREAT HONOUR – A GREAT HOPE” in these pages.
This news item told about a father with two children who had bipolar disorder, in a family where bipolar disorder is common, and his frustration with the lack of any improvement despite their long term prescription of lithium therapy. In desperation he tried a “vitamin and mineral” supplement long given to pigs for a similar condition. And the improvement was quick and dramatic.
So dramatic that investigators at the University of Calgary (Alberta, Canada) did a preliminary study with 10 people suffering from bipolar disorder – and achieved the same quick and dramatic improvement. (Please note: I am recounting this news story from memory, since I could not find it in CTV’s news archive on their web site, and my memory might not be entirely accurate concerning all the details).
Original Abstract:
Successful Treatment of Bipolar Disorder With a Nutritional Supplement: Ten Cases
Recent research on various nutrients has suggested that some mental illness might be ameliorated by supplementation. Much work has focused on essential fatty acids (1), although various minerals are also being studied (especially zinc). We are evaluating a broad-based nutritional supplement that contains primarily trace minerals, plus vitamins and amino acids.
Recent work has suggested that crops grown with western farming methods contain fewer of these essential nutrients than they did in years past (2) . Although we have been examining the effects of the supplement on a variety of psychiatric symptoms in both children and adults, it appears to be particularly promising for bipolar disorder in adults.
We will present an open case series of 10 male patients aged 20-46 years who thus far have taken the supplement for 1.5 – 6 months. Four were diagnosed with Bipolar I, four with Bipolar II, one with Bipolar Mixed, and one with Bipolar-NOS. In most cases, the supplement has entirely replaced psychoactive medications and the patients have remained well. Side effects (e.g., nausea) have been rare, minor, and transitory. In all cases, the patients have been evaluated periodically with the Hamilton-Depression Scale, the Brief Psychiatric Rating Scale, and the Young Mania Rating Scale.
The change in mean scores for each scale from study entry to the time of the last visit are as follows: Ham-D (20.4 to 8.2), BPRS (37.3 to 9.9), YMRS (16.8 to 6.1), and OQ (75.2 to 48.2).
A randomized, placebo-controlled trial of the supplement for Bipolar I has been funded and began in July 2000.
Authors: Bonnie J. Kaplan1, PhD; J. Steve A. Simpson1, PhD, MD; Richard C. Ferre2, MD; Chris P. Gorman1, MD; David McMullen1, MD; – 1Calgary, Alberta, Canada; 2Salt Lake City, Utah
AbstractPresented at the Canadian Psychiatric Association annual meeting October 4, 2000, Victoria, British Columbia.
References:
1. Stoll AL, Severus E, Freeman MP, Rueter S, Zboyan HA, Diamond E, Cress KK, Marangell LB: Omega 3 fatty acids in bipolar disorder: A preliminary double-blind, placebo-controlled trial. Archives of General Psychiatry 1999; 56:407-412.
2. Mayer AB: Historical changes in the mineral content of fruits and vegetables. British Food Journal 1997; 99:207-211
Also see U of Calgary Press Releases -
Bipolar Disorder Treated With Nutritional Supplement. Early Study Shows Promising Results
Supplements may help treat bipolar disorder
This news item confirms my discovery, as described in these pages (see SUPREME HEALTH), in several important ways. First of all, it confirms that the daily seafood dietary routine as described in these pages works, and works wonderfully well – and that more than anything, the “trace minerals” (or trace elements) are the therapeutic factor.
That the vitamins in the supplement are not the therapeutic factor follows from the fact that no measure of vitamin supplementation has ever shown to have any effect on bipolar disorder. This leaves the “trace minerals” or trace elements in this supplement.
Further confirmation is provided by the presence of a very similar condition in pigs, since they too are fed on the severely trace element deficient grains and/or potatoes as produced by our modern agriculture – and by the fact that this condition in pigs has long been remedied with the trace elements (or “mineral”) in this supplement.
It must be mentioned here that lithium definitely plays an important role in the therapy of bipolar disorder – but it cannot do it alone! In fact, and especially if large doses are given, alone it can do more harm than good. The fact is that all of the trace elements work in conjunction, and most of them are useless, and even dangerous, when given in isolation. Calcium therapy, for example, does not work without its indispensable complement of magnesium.
Consequently, a daily helping of seafood works far better, is far safer, and has nil side-effects – than any product containing only some trace elements (trace minerals).
Even better, f you would like to grow your own “super organic”, 72 trace elements, totally poison free and supremely healthy produce – either for yourself, co-operatively with neighbours, and/or for sale – go to http://www.salescene.com where you will find 52 gardening articles timed to the seasons of the Pacific Northwest, but which can be readily adapted to the timing in other climates. Only the timing differs; all the soil, “super organic”, 72 trace element and poison free criteria & methods remain exactly the same. As you will see, this is also a great fun and deeply rewarding way of gardening with a great deal less labour than the ordinary, chemical, poisonous way of gardening. Highly recommended! – for unshakeable health for you and yours.
A note to livestock farmers: For the same reasons, incorporating an ocean-derived component – such as kelp, fish or seaweed meal – in your livestock fodder will cure and prevent this and many other diseases. And all the “side effects” are beautiful; they substantially, and often dramatically, improve the whole system!
Worth mentioning here as well is the fact that none of the participants really know why this supplement works. They just know that it does, but that there is a massive trace element deficiency in all of our daily food, as well as in the fodder for the pigs is now, at least, beginning to dawn on the medical establishment.
Here though, in these pages, is the whole story; the causes, the cures, and all the whys and wherefores of it all.
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© Peter H. Weis, 1998 – 2006 © all rights reserved Vancouver; B.C. email pweis@shaw.ca web site by peter h. weis
My name is Ken and I just recently read these postings on bi-polar and was wondering if anybody here could help me answer a question or two.
I began dating a woman that I believe is bi-polar only because from what I have read here is so similar to what we have been going through. It seems that whenever something ground-breaking happened in our relationship, she would push me away within a few days. For example, when I first asked her to be exclusive she said yes immediately. 2 days afterward, she sent me a text from work and said she thought we were moving too fast. Later that night we were talking on the phone and I told her that we don’t have to be exclusive and she said that she wanted to be and chalked up what she said earlier to just having a bad day. A month or so later, we said “I love you” for the first time. 5 days later she sent me texts saying that I only thought I was in love with her and canceled plans we had for the day. 2 days later, she called and invited me over. When I arrived, she apologized and basically acted like nothing had happened. She kept pressuring me to move in with her and even though I thought it was too early and told her that several times, she was finally able to talk me into it. This was something I wanted to do however, in all fairness to her. Her moods from day to day were unreal. She would be the most loving, affectionate woman on one day and the next, pick an argument over absolutely nothing. It became a matter of anything I did was not good enough. We had our first Holiday together on Easter and had a very good time. The next day she picked a huge fight over the fact that I was not keeping the bathroom clean enough.
On a Monday, she picked a huge fight with me and wanted me to go. We talked later that night and ironed things out. She told me she loved me and cried on my shoulder, begging me not to hurt her. She was kind of distant on Tuesday but really came around later that night. Wednesday, she was as happy and jovial as I have ever seen her. Thursday, she was kind of distant again and then I fell asleep on the couch that night. Friday morning she woke up to my alarm (which is set for one hour earlier than hers). She was furious by this and when I apologized, she said nothing. After she got to work, she sent me a text telling me that she wanted me out of the house because I was causing her too much stress. Exactly one week prior to this, we had ‘date night’ at the house, where we ate shrimp, drank wine and danced to our favorite song, “How deep is your love” by The Bee Gees. At the end of the dance, she said that would be our wedding song.
I have done everything I can to help her alleviate her stress but nothing I do is good enough.
I moved out 3 weeks ago. We have had some casual conversation through emails and texts and it seems that every time we get a little bit closer, she ends the conversation immediately or turns it into an argument. I have some things over her house still and she refuses to be there when I come and get them. She says that it would be too hard for her emotionally.
In what little I have said, do you think she suffers from bi-polar? I know it is too late for us but she was the love of my life and I just want her to be healthy and happy.
Any advice you could give me would be a huge help.
Thanks,
Ken
Hi Ken,
I am so sorry for your situation. Your story reminds me of my relationship with my son. Of course your relationship is different but the story is the same. If I really want something from him I say I want the opposite and it usually works.
Right now we are going through a period where I stopped interacting with him because of his vile anger toward me, for no reason. I vowed not to set myself up a a punching bag ever again.
After not speaking for almost a month, today he asked me a question. He cried and started saying no one is helping him and all the usual stories but I remained detached. The episode didn’t last long. He finally got dressed up and went out… the first time in a long time that he has gone outside, except on the patio.
I have learned a lot on this site. The advice Panda gave got me thinking in different ways. I finally realized that my usual way was not working and would never work. This may not work either but I am sending a message that disrespecting people is not just.
Look at the situation very carefully before getting into this kind of situation. Be prepared to have your heart broken and then some.
I wish the very best for you.
hi all – Ken, google engulfment and abandonment issues, also autonomy, they crave intimacy yet run from it. they fear it, it causes great anxiety, and they will run and abandon you, and if you have abandonment issues from childhood it’ll hurt all the more, i hate all these broken hearts in here, its so sad. just as i get anxiety from being abandoned, my bf got anxiety from me smothering him as he called it.
keep well and be strong
M xxx
http://www.healing-relationships.growingaware.com/AbandonEngulf13.html
have a look at this ken Mxx
Michelle you hit it right on the head.. My xgf had all of these issues and was pulling in atleast four directions almost all at once. Its a terrible mess. Ken if this is what you are going through with your lady nothing will get better if she refuses to find help and to actually follow through with it. My girl had so many issues and actually enjoys her manic episodes so much that we parted ways. It nearly led to my destruction. Even talking to her about the problem creates another problem. My girl was only 38yrs old and being that 38 is a adult and we were not married I had no way of forcing her to do anything and I went throught the entire abandement withdrawl until I came to terms that our relationship was in fact poisen. It took a good three or four months for me to get over it.. If she refuses to seek and follow through with counciling meds etc then I sujest you jump ship…. Giving up? loseing out? nope not at all its called self presurvation.. Do not lose yourself trying to find another.. Iv been there and its not worth it.. incases of this extreme your life will be a living hell and oneday she will toss you away for good.. Again if she refuses help then it is better to save yourself and leave. I am sorry if this offends some.. But you have to look out for yourself and if you have kids even more so..
Thanks all. I sent this email link to her and asked her to read a couple of the things posted on here. I guess I never thought about abandonment issues, 90% of everything that I have read on here applies to her so I thought bi-polar disorder. She hasnt replied back to me yet and to be honest, she probably wont. It just tears me up inside having the woman of my dreams tell me how much she loves me, cuddling with me at night refusing to let go and 36 hours later, tell me that I cause her constant stress and to get the hell out.
I would appreciate all of the insight I can get.
Thanks,
Ken
Audre,
Nope. I’m an idiot and let the situation get bad. I didn’t work and haven’t worked since I lost my job. I really damaged things with my family because I kept going back and forth staying with them, then going back to him. They are fed up with it, and my mom and I have got into several heated arguments lately over him. I was supposed to go stay with my step mom but she is having issues with her landlady I guess. I don’t know how I let things get this bad, or what I was thinking. I don’t have a car anymore, the transmission blew and I was living with him under his disability and food stamps. I’m at a loss of what my next step should be. Patching things up with my family isn’t as easy as it sounds, my mom is so disappointed in my decisions and I can see the look on her face when I am near her. I don’t know how to get myself out of this situation.
Good morn all,
as usual I have to make this brief. The last 3 days have sucked. Not a kind word spoken in my direction. And then yet last night when I made a comment back about one of her friends saying I take too much shit from her in front of her and the friend boy did I hear about it later.
Oh the hypocrisy!
Brie,
you and I are in very similar situations right now when I have more time I will explain. On the family front, job and car. I know it’s scary but listen to the quiet inner voice inside you. And let that be you guide seriously
that’s why I say Trusturgut
Trusturgut,
Sorry about the last three days. I hope things get better for you. I wonder what we would all do if we won the lottery.
Take care…
Thanks Audre,
things are calm at the moment. But of course there’s been no conversation to clean up the mess. I’ve been accused of manipulation inuendos of making her daughter unhappy yest when we went shopping for mothers day etc. It’s bizzarre!!!! Sometimes it’s hard because I just don’t think that way.
Hi Ken,
Is it possible for you to identify who the target of the bipolar was before you came onto the scene? For me, the most convincing thing that I have to remind myself of is that my husband had problem relationships before we met – a very bad relationship with his mother and also his ex. Also things that he told me about his previous relationships are clear indicators that he had the same problems without realising why. I personally think that strong indicators are things like how many times did they break up with the last person they were with before they finally did it for real… if they can’t remember or count how many then that is a big flashing warning light. Some of the things that seem to be completely (from reading this discussion) standard for bipolar are not at all normal for other people. I knew very early there was something very wrong and that it wasn’t me but it took years to work out exactly what it was.
I read an old diary yesterday and realised how much stronger I have become in the last year or so. The only way I’ve found of dealing with it is distancing emotionally and forcing myself to realise that he is a separate person and his issues need not be my issues. For years I was drawn into caring more about his feelings than my own – so when he wanted to break up I was constantly devastated and in repeated states of shock (because it usually came from nowhere so I was reeling with the suddenness of it all). I now realise that I am free to feel however I want about the relationship – whether or not he wants to be with me – because how I choose to feel about what happens or happened between us is my half of the story and I am entitled to have those feelings. I have stopped being drawn into seeing the world from his perspective and thinking that what he feels is everything. I used to think that if someone really wanted to have a problem with you then there wasn’t much you could do about it – I now know that there is a lot you can do about it, you can see the whole thing as their problem and realise that you don’t have to engage with it at all. At the moment things are very calm in my house so it is very easy for me to say all this but I really think that things have changed this time, and in a very different way to the way things seemed to change in the past. I’m not going to be drawn into arguments that are not my arguments, not my issues, not my problem. I could be mistaken but I think he has recognised that on some level and is treating me with more respect than before. I have no idea how long this relationship will last now but I won’t allow it to get in the way of me living my life and my advice to everyone is that looking after yourself mentally and emotionally is absolutely crucial.
PS) I think this is what having boundaries is about – the boundary I’m enforcing is the one that says – you can’t devastate and disrupt me whenever you feel like.
Ken it is most likely Bipolar with abandement issues thrown in as a extra. The running away the comming back sad then making up storys to cause a fight so she can run away again has been played out so many times in the less then one yr I was with her.. Now I see she is on line then off then on then off and on again like she is franticly looking for someone or something. My gut feeling is she has absolutly no remorse or thoughts of me at all anymore and is most likely in search of a new victum. most likely searching on-line for who ever she has met on her weekends of manic partying. I found that her party partner is a 25yr old girl single and they go out and party and pick up guys like the world is comming to an end. Very sad if you ask me. being 38 and having two children and acting like she is a 20yr old is not very kool..
Brie your parents will forgive and forget but most likely are tired of all the drama and seeing you down on yourself. They prob feel until you commit to getting your life fixed up for good away from your partner why wast there energy. in other words shit or get off the bowl.. Sorry but thats what I would be feeling if my daughter was in a situation like that..
On the basis of my experience, these are the various stages I think I’ve experienced,. I guess they translate as denial, bargaining and acceptance.
Stage one – you don’t know what is going on and you go a bit crazy trying to work it out, lot of confusion and self doubt. You know something is wrong but you can’t believe it because they seem so intelligent, articulate and capable – how can someone so apparently sane and capable have any form of mental or personality problem.
Stage two – you find out about the disorder/condition and try like crazy to work out how to cope with it. I think this is the stage where you separate the condition from the person and maybe try to rescue them from it in some way. You just wish the condition would go away and leave you both in peace. Lots of denial and compartmentalizing of the problem – as if when they are nice they are not bipolar and when they are nasty then they have it, – this isn’t entirely real.
Stage three – you realise that the effects of the condition are a part of the person and their behaviour – but it isn’t a part of you and you try to re-establish yourself within the relationship in a manner that fully accepts who they are and the way that they behave while at the same time not allowing it (or them) to damage you. They aren’t either the attacker or the victim – they aren’t doing it on purpose but they aren’t just helpless victims of their behavioural reactions. Its getting the balance between blame and responsibility. Its not their fault they have it and sometimes they can’t help how they act but that doesn’t mean that it is your emotional reality. It still belongs to them and just because they can’t take a balanced perspective on the problems doesn’t mean that you can’t take one yourself.
I have read almost all of the material in this website and have been helped a great deal as far as understanding what is going on. My heartbreak is with my daughter. She was diagnosed as Bipolar a year after the birth of her third child. I spent days and weeks in her home helping with her two boys and the baby. She appeared to need me greatly.
We had an unfortunate argument during the summer and she withdrew from me completely. This lasted for three and a half months until I wrote a letter asking to be allowed to see our grandchildren. They agreed and we were communicating for around two months. We were not invited for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Shortly after Christmas my daughter asked if I could help with the cooking and keeping the baby. I readily agreed and took a large quantity of food to her home. A week later she emailed and told me that she needed a total separation from me which included contact with the children, contact in any form with her or her husband.
It has now been four and a half months and I have not heard from her or have I seen my grandchildren. She did not acknowledge my birthday or Mother’s Day. From what I have read from all of you she probably has not even thought about me. I need help in gaining access to my grandchildren. If anyone can give me advice I would be so grateful. By the way, her husband has bought into everything that she has told him consequently he will be no help at all and is more than likely encouraging her to stay away from us.
Grandparents don’t seem to have many Legal rights. I have been very close to my grandchildren up to now and can hardly stand not being able to see them. I accept that my daughter has left me. She is an adult. My grandchildren are too young to know what is happening.
Please help.
Oh Phyllis
my heart goes out to you. Being away from children you cherish is rough. I came back to a situation that is pretty hairy sometimes because of a 5 yr old that needs me and that I love very much. I don’t know where you live but grandparents rights are getting better than they used to be. Will right more later
Ok I have an important question. Does anyone here who lives with bipolar or their partners ever get somewhat balanced and than get bored. Although mine has been tired today. The day has been somewhat normal for the first time in forever and Im so concerned that she is so not used to it that she is going to do something to stir shit up again either by the lovely art of making shit up in her head or by messing around with her meds.
If someone who is Bipolar would respond to me I would be very grateful. My daughter has asked for a total separation from me and is using a form of emotional blackmail to make sure that I stay away. She has said that if I truly love her I will give her total space. I love her more than life but find it very difficult to honor this request. Is it really the best thing to do to stay away and have no contact?
What would happen if I tried to contact her? Would it make her condition worse?
Hi Phyllis,
My son has not been diagnosed but he has all the symptoms. If he asks for space i give him space. I leave it up to him to make the first move. BTW I started doing that after reading the posts here. It has made a difference. Before now, I was trying very hard to do everything I could to make things better. I was constantly walking on eggshells. After I realized that no matter what I did it would never be right, it got better. it is not much better but it is better. That’s all I can say.
The good news here is that your situation is a little bit better. I am so glad for you. I never knew that a Mom could feel this much pain. All of the doctors that I have talked to tell me that there is nothing I can do but wait. One told me that it could take up to 10 years before I hear from my daughter again. I can not imagine that at this point. You have given me a little bit of hope. Thank you so much.
Phyllis,
Hi and welcome to the conversation. I can only guess on my impression of what you’ve written of course but I would think the two big important events that happened to your daughter that you’ve mentioned are the fact that your daughter was diagnosed shortly after having a baby and the fact that she is newly diagnosed. The time after having a baby is difficult enough at the best of times but I imagine what might have happened is that she sought medical help for post-natal depression (?) and then on the basis of her symptoms has been diagnosed as bipolar (?) Just trying to understand where she could be coming from and what might have caused her to react so strongly. Assuming that you’ve done nothing to major to offend her (which it seems that you haven’t because you are clearly completely confused by the situation – just like the rest of us here) then you can be fairly confident that the issues are, well how do I put this, her issues. The other thing you said that makes me think this is – she said to you that if you love her then you’ll leave her alone, – that sounds to me like an indication that what she feels you threaten is her emotional well-being. I’m just totally guessing of course but I wonder if perhaps she is struggling with the shock of the diagnosis – I imagine she could be feeling bad about herself because she has just found out there is something ‘wrong’ with her and our feelings towards our mother is (in my opinion) a big part of our sense of self. Or perhaps she is not thinking that deeply and is just having very strong emotional reactions that she can’t articulate yet. Its very difficult to know what is causing her reaction but it certainly sounds from what you’ve said like she is ‘going through some stuff’. You also said that you helped her a lot when the baby was small – was that a difficult time for her and does seeing you remind her of that time or could she be connecting the feelings from that time with you in some way? (sometimes just being there when someone is having an emotional trauma can eventually result in you getting the blame).
I wonder why you were told that it might take up to ten years. I wonder if that is the outside average length of time they think that family disputes generally take to sort themselves out or is it child contact disputes or is it bipolar people having problems with their families? Sounds a bit of a random generalisation to me. Did they explain why?
Anyway, refusing to have anything to do with you, and particularly refusing to allow you to see your grandchildren sounds to me (again just a guess) very much like a control issue. It could be the expression of a desperate need to control something (her feelings perhaps or the bipolar?). Depression of any form takes away control of our feelings. Certainly my husband regularly has a very strong need to attempt to gain control of his life against all sorts of imagined and irrational barriers to his freedom.
With my husband, he generally has issues with one person at a time. He had a terrible relationship with his mother and that changed completely and extremely on the very day that he started having problems with me. When he is having a problem with me he often gets on well with other people and when he is getting on well with me he is usually having a problem with someone else. I try to stay out of the firing line. It sounds like right now you are directly in the emotional firing line. Its a difficult position to get out of. The problem is that if you make contact then you could be perpetuating the situation where you are the target.
Very difficult situation. I really hope that it improves for you soon for you and your grandchildren. I think the importance of grandparents is enormous. It is a shame the law doesn’t recognise it more but I imagine that is because of the difficulties associated with any enforcement of family law in general. I don’t know what the situation is in the US, I imagine it varies from state to state, but here in the UK family law cases are a bit of a farce with both parties very often blatantly disregarding court orders and very little being done about it.
I do wish you all the best Phyllis. One thing I’ve learned about my husband’s problems is that his emotional reality does change. I hope your daughter also changes her mind. It might sound silly but I wonder if you lay low for a bit if she will maybe need to find another target (to express her frustration towards) and then she might even seek you?
Thank you so much for your reply. What you wrote makes more sense than all that I have heard from therapists and psychiatrists. Living with a Bipolar partner certainly gives one an advantage when it comes to understanding the day to day happenings.
My daughter did receive therapy for post partum depression. After a year and a manic episode, she was diagnosed as Bipolar. This was a gigantic thing for her to hear. I know that she is very frightened about the future. She is a nurse and loved her work. There is serious doubt that she can work in that capacity again.
When I stayed in her home after the baby was born, she could barely get out of bed. She was severely depressed.
The psychiatrist that told me it could be ten years before I hear from her again gave me no explanation for the time frame. She just said that it could be 10 years or tomorrow. Needless to say, it was devastating to hear that.
My daughter has never felt that she had much control over anything. She has accused me of being a “control freak” (new term to me) but will not give me any examples of the behavior that has caused her to think that way. Her husband is a Minister in a local church and is a very strong personality. He makes many decisions for her.
She has told me that she is codependent and addicted to my love and approval. I have read books on codependency and still do not really understand it. She has always had my unconditional love and total approval. She told me that a “tone of voice” or “facial expression” can cause her much pain. I have never deliberately tried to hurt her in my life.
Your advice to “lay low” is wise. I do fear that if I make contact it will just push her farther away.
My granddaughter is 18 months old. I have not seen her in 5 months. It is breaking my heart to know that she is changing so quickly and will not even know me when and if I get to see her again.
My grandsons are 5 and 9 years old. I have had a very close relationship with them and can not imagine what they must be thinking about my absence.
I can not thank you enough for taking the time to write to me. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Having all of you to talk with is a true gift. I have looked for a support group but there do not appear to be any in my area.
Zuki’s post was very interesting and sums it up in a nutshell.
When people are sick, we tend to want to do everything we can to help. That can be perceived as controlling. But remember they will say and do many things that have no basis in reality. Yesterday my son, in a fairly normal conversation said I had hit him when he was a child. Before talking to people here, I would have let that pass, even though I never laid a hand on my children. Yesterday, I said, “Really, when did I hit you?” His answer, “You hit me twice.” I persisted, “When and for what?” He had no answer. Then he said, “Perhaps I was out of control” as if to cling to the notion that I had hit him and give a reason for my hitting him. I again said, “But I never hit you… ever.” He had no answer. I sincerely hope that by conversations like that, where I point out reality, he will begin to question what he says. This site has helped me a lot because I think the professionals have no idea what actually goes on in situations like this.
May I ask a question? Was your daughter’s life with her husband happy? I have a theory that unhappy people use illness, mental or physical, to cope with situations they perceive are trapping them and in which they see no way out.
Audre, first of all I had one conversation with my daughter where she spent 2 hours on the phone telling me every bad thing she felt that I had ever done to her. She finally told me that every bad thing that had ever happened to her was my fault. I spent 2 hours attempting to defend myself and explain every issue that she put forth. So many of the issues were almost ridiculous. One example was that I would answer the phone during dinner and that made her feel worthless. I pointed out to her that I only did that when it was a client calling. Anyway I know now that your approach is the best way to respond. I do not feel the need to defend myself any longer.
As far as her marriage, I really don’t know. They have always presented themselves as soul mates and very much in love. She has never discussed even an argument that they may have had. As I wrote earlier, her husband controls much of what occurs in their home. My daughter was abandoned by her alcoholic father when she was 12 years old. I think that she is terrified of losing her husband regardless of whether she is happy or not. I am certain that she would never admit to me that she was unhappy.
I offered to make draperies for her new home and she would not even select fabric unless her husband approved of the choice.
Your theory certainly warrants merit.
Trusturgut,
Oh yes, boredom is a big baddie. Its interesting if you just look up boredom on wikipedia – there’s a whole article about it, apparently people used to be proud of being bored as it was a sign that you were wealthy enough not to be too busy!
Zuki,
you made me chuckle with the bordom comment Oh to be proud to be bored because you are rich. That’s the epitomy of a high class problem! I do know that when manic she engages in heavy duty crushes and infatuations. Mostly through facebook and then texting. But it seems that even in this ‘more’ balanced state it might be starting up again. She invites ppl over w/o telling me constantly and then either ignores me or them it’s a little weird at best. I’m all done hiding out when she has guests and trying to give her her space and be polite I get right on there like I belong. But it gets even more weird when ppl are here and she just disappears usual after some time I will go to find her and will either find her locked in the bathroom on the phone with someone else now or fast asleep. This last scenario just happened last night in fact. So I visited with the person until about 1am. Ppl get frustrated and put off by it. I totally understand of course but Im always put in a position where I won’t betray her confidences. Therefore my responses are usually. ‘well that’s just her’. Most ppl know she’s a pretty decent person at heart which is why alot of them keep coming around besides the fact that she’s very charming. That I know is a bipolar trait for sure. I’m tired today nothing new. Today is a busy day as usual.
Phyllis,
When your daughter said that a facial expression could hurt her, she wasn’t kidding. My wife will read into facial cues, tone of voice, etc…. and create a dialogue in her head where I am out to get her.
There is a lot going on in their head, far more than in a normal brain, but very little of that activity happens in the frontal lobe, or where logic happnes. They think emotionally and react emotionally. There is the oldest part of our brains that goes back to when humans couldn’t speak and were still on all fours. It is called the reptilian part, and it is concerened with survival, nothing more. Only fight or flight. When humans progressed as a species, our frontal lobe expanded and was used more, which is why people aren’t running a muck and we are able to have a somewhat civilized society. People with borderline and bipolar are hyper vigilant to those around them. If they suspect you are trying to hurt them, for whatever reason, they take on the fight or flight instinct for “survival”. Try not to take it personally.
Audre,
That is awesome that you called your son on the carpet over his interpretation of reality. Good for you! Otherwise they can reinvent the past. Not only will they do this about past events, but they will do it about current situations as well, stating that you just did something to purposely upset them. Keep sticking up for yourself. I am doing the same thing and it is my hope that over time my wife will begin to trust me more than her inner fears. At that point, I think she would be ready to get help with my support.
Zuki,
What do you mean when you say, who the target of the bipolar was before I came onto the scene? I know a lot about her past relationships and family history but not quite sure what you mean by this. Please elaborate.
Thanks,
Ken
Ken, sorry, bad wording, what I meant is the target of the negative side of the bipolar – the ‘Mr Hyde’ side of the Jekyl and Hyde. My husband’s family nick named him ‘grumpy’ (apparently he had these ‘funny grumpy moods’ ever since he was a small child) and his ex girlfriend nick named him ‘ice-man’. They were the main people who saw (and suffered as a result of) the negative side of his personality but there were also others. His narratives betray his extreme reactions to what sound like relatively innocent comments from others followed by their stunned reactions – all narrated as them behaving stupidly.
Phyllis, I’ll reply to your post next time I’m on here as I’d like to re-read it first.
Trusturgut, similar experiences again, I despair of making plans now as he is so subject to change. Yep, pretty exhausting.. constantly readjusting.
Forgot to say, Phyllis – have you seen the ‘bipolar light’ lecture yet – absolutely brilliant and really helps to get perspective. I especially like the bit where he says that half of the problem is that often people take all the negative stuff personally – it took me a long time to really take that part in but it helps enormously. http://www.bipolarlight.com
I have just finished watching the bipolar light seminar. It is fantastic. I hope that everyone on this board will watch it. I learned that if my daughter has been in a manic phase she has lost her prefrontal lobe and has no ability to see a bigger picture. Dr. Carter explains that it can take up to 8 weeks to recover and return to a semblance of normal thinking. I intellectually know that we should not take our bp’s words personally. It is so hard not to internalize what we hear.
Dr. Carter lives less than an hour from me. I am going to try and contact him personally. I will share anything that I learn with all of you.
Zuki I can not thank you enough for sharing the website with me. Hopefully I will be able to help you in some way.
Hi Phyllis,
I watched it, too. However what he said, in contrast to what people say here, did not resonate with my experience. My son goes manic and as soon as he starts to come down, he is normal. The past few day have been horrible. Today he is normal. I have been writing his moods in a journal and I know almost to the minute what he is going to do.
I think we all have to find our own way because every case is different. It is great to be here because before I came here I thought that there was a cookie cutter approach to it all. Now I know that is not the case.
I am thinking of you Phyllis. Have you had any contact?
It’s been a week now since we broke up. We spent four of those days together. I kept a smile on my face the whole time pretending I was okay with everything. I packed my things out of the apartment and am staying with his mom. She is going to help me get back on my feet. I’ve heard he is hanging out with his ex girlfriends and not to my surprise has friended all of his exes that I can think of on Facebook. That actually gives me a sense of hope because I think he might be trying to get at me. I can barely eat or sleep. This hurts like hell. Every time I have been around him he has only been talking about how great of a time he is having and shows no emotion about our 2 and half year relationship ending. He was taking 200mg of Seraquel (sp) for a month and he changed completely. He became more irritable and walked away from everything. He stopped taking it, and as you can imagine he shot up to mania. I’m worried about the crash, because once he crashes he is going to be in bad shape.
I hate this worrying. Sorry this is more a ramble about all my confusion and emotions. It’s overwhelming as you all know by now. Every time we break up, I always wait for him to come back. I am scared though, because what if he doesn’t? I have always blamed our break ups on his bipolar, and which they have been. But what if he really means it when he says he doesn’t love me anymore. How do we ever really know? I am beginning to feel like maybe he kept me around as a comfort zone or someone to be there with him all the time.
I don’t know anything anymore.
:/
Oh Brie,
. Has told me many times how betrayed she felt when she and her long time partner broke up and her partner moved in with her parents for a while. It never occurred to me until now but I wonder if her partner did that in hopes of a reconciliation at some point. It never happened but maybe that was her partner’s way of staying close and keeping hope alive. P/s from what Ive been told her ex has been in a very happy and fulfilling relationship for about 4 years now. And my bp, well the complete opposite that’s somewhat telling to me.
You are right we have all been there at least I have time and again. My bp, who I hardly want to claim right now she’s been sooo awful lately
The past 4 days here have been brutal I began to write notes and document again. The yelling and screaming that she’s done has been abusive at best. Yest I was able to have a few hours alone and decided to meditate for about a half an hour. I don’t think Ive done that in about a year. It lowered my blood pressure and anxiety level tremendously. I also had many images come to me which was highly unusual. The one that stands out the most was one with me wearing very large and heavy shoes seemingly made of concrete with my hands stretched up holding onto her feet trying to keep her from flying away. I know she’s in trouble again. She knows it too. She thinks her hormones are out of wack again so I made her an appt for next Thurs to see her doctor. It’s always hard to tell on these situations which is the biggest offender because you can’t separate their insides from their nasty outward behav. Maybe it’s her hormones or maybe that’s what she wants it to b. She’s stopped talking to me about her medications (I.e., whether or not she taking them as prescribed) and Im not asking right now. It’s literally a mind field in this house. And as lonely as I am I still find that I prefer it when she and her daughter are gone lately.
I know I have a purpose here but it’d been coming up for me strongly-when is it my turn to have a life one filled with happiness and love and affection and acknowledgement that I am alive and valuable and worthy of kindness. These are healthy and normal thoughts I know. But I keep waiting for things to reach some semblance of balance here.
I’ve been back 6weeks now and due to there always being so much mayhem and drama we still haven’t sat down to discuss the parameters of our living arrangement yet. I choose not to force the issue because frankly I don’t want to speak to an unbalanced, on the edge, ready to blow at any given moment mind anyway that would just be ridiculous.
Brie, Trusturgut… do I ever hear you? You are very brave to stay in your relationships and try to help. I am not convinced that if this were not my child I could stay. This morning he is in a rage about how he sees my closing the door to my bedroom. Well, thanks to Panda I closed it a little harder after that. He then came raging out of his room and went downstairs and outdoors. Needless to say, I am not feeling too well, at the moment. My health, which was excellent until he cam home, is suffering greatly from the stress. So I guess I have to ask myself how much is my suffering helping?
Audre,
That was a powerful statement you made about ‘how much is my suffering helping?’ since all this came back into my life Ive lost an extreme amount of weight and my hair is starting to fall out again. Re: the weight I used to tell her that it had to do with my divorce because I didn’t want her to feel bad. But I woke up this morning and my anxiety was through the roof again. They are going to a kids bday party today. I was supposed to go w them but that was as of 3 wks ago. These days I assume nothing and no mention of my going has been made. So Im going to look forward to the solitude I guess.
Sometimes I think it might be more appropriate for those in the caretaking/supportive roles to be offered the medication. We may be the ones who need it more! Haha
It is heartbreaking how they treat those who love them, isn’t it? I am sorry that she didn’t think to ask you the party. It is so selfish! The lack of compassion is the hardest part of it all.
Yesterday, we had a visitor and we sat in the kitchen talking. You could cut the tension with a knife because the visitor knew him and didn’t want to say anything to offend.
Who wants to live like that? I know I don’t! Please think of yourself.
Thank God for this website, and thank you to the owner. I never knew how much genuine support can be found from following an internet board.
Brie, I really feel for you. Look after yourself, keep making yourself eat and drink at the right times, try to sleep and try to keep functioning. I know you must be carrying the weight of a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment. My husband also acts like that when he is breaking up with me – happy and inspired, convinced that finally he has made the choice that will make everything right with his world again – full of energy and conviction as though the thought of the break gives him a lift, it’s like a springboard – he has something to kick back against and it gives him a purpose. It’s indescribably horrible to be the other partner in a situation like that. I am convinced that if you are breaking up with someone who you know it is going to hurt then the natural way to react is to feel a little sad for them, to try to be kind and let them down gently and even if you can’t be that kind then to at least feel a little guilty for the pain your causing. But oh no, – when he considers leaving me he is furious and angry that he was ever with me in the first place and any attempt I make at trying to maintain harmony (even to discuss and amicable separation) is seen as a threat to his freedom and an attempt at manipulation and control.
Today he is feeling bored, (it has been building up for a week or so) and is seething with hostility – trying hard to start a fight so that he has an excuse to walk out in anger. I tried to reason with him for a short time but he was just using it to escalate the hostility. I realise that throughout the entire relationship almost without exception during every interaction I have always tried to keep the peace, reconcile peace, have fun, whatever but always positive (with the exception of sometimes ignoring the attempts at conflict) but he has a strong desire for conflict and can hardly contain his hostility. I came on here to ask actually – is this true for everyone else who is the partner? Do you find that you spend all your time being the one attempting to keep peace or facilitate reconciliation while the partner is always the one pushing away, causing fights and trying to mess things up?
Trusturgut, you really made me laugh – I completely agree it is the partners who the medication should be given to! LOL
Audre,
I know how you feel. I developed a heart condition in the last few years (nothing too dangerous hopefully) and I couldn’t help thinking that it’s connected to the stress. Living with constant conflict does take its toll on your health. Focusing on disconnecting helps me with that. The trouble is my husband knows my weaknesses and tries very hard to get me engaged in a fight when he wants trouble but I have to remind myself to be as aware as possible that it is what he is trying to do and not be drawn into it. If you came to this board in the first place then that is evidence that you are serious about trying to make things better. It’s funny to think it is us who could do with the medication but what is the real message there – it is us who needs some care and nobody else is going to do it so we have to look after ourselves.
Trusturgut – I also feel relieved when his not here – its confusing because he threatens to walk out so much and I dread it (he knows I hate it when he walks out in anger) but when he isn’t around there is definitely some peace.
Trusturgut, I like the idea of mediation, I might try that. I have a few ‘mental spaces’ that I go to in my head when necessary – libraries and quiet peaceful sanctuaries.
Isn’t it strange to think of normal things like being with a partner who actually cared about our feelings. I think maybe those are the thoughts that really bring home the sense of isolation. I can hardly imagine now what it might feel like to be with someone who is supportive consistently. That’s like a fantasy world. Funny isn’t it, we know its not right and yet that is how it is. It is what it is, as they say. At least we know we aren’t the only ones in this situation.
I regularly add to a self-help list of things to remember in my diary (to return to at difficult times) and some of this will be added to it:
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People
Hi Audre,
I am so sorry that your son is having such a bad time. I don’t know which is worse – being there with him to see and hear it all or not having any contact whatsoever. I think I would prefer to be yelled at and insulted as opposed to becoming the Mom who was erased.
I have had no contact(five months now). My husband sent an email to our son-in-law this afternoon suggesting that he watch Dr. Carter’s seminar. He also asked him what could be arranged for us to be able to see our grandchildren. I am sure that he will not reply right away. That is one of his ways of treating us. I just pray that he will see some kind of reason and allow us to have access to the children.
I volunteer in the emergency room at a local hospital and today a young Mom came in with her 18 month old little boy. He had cut his little finger. When she told me that he was 18 months old I knew that I had missed our granddaughter’s baby stage. I find that so tragic. It is not as if we can turn back time and say “Oh I’m sorry. Here is your infant granddaughter.” I have so much anger toward this disease. It robs all of us of the best times in life.
Please take very good care of yourself and thank you for all of your responses to me. I think that you probably do know how much this website means to me.
I also LOLd about the us needing medication. I completely agree. My ex told me he wanted to break up, because he wanted freedom. I find myself waiting, again. Only, I’m not sure I want to be the girl who waits for him anymore. I went to our apartment. It was trashed. There was 3 empty fifths of Captain Morgan, and two semi full ones. I cleaned up, went grocery shopping and then cooked him dinner. He acted as though he loved me the whole time I was there. As if nothing had even happened. Of course, I broke down and asked him why he didn’t want to work things out and he shut down again. I realized my coming here was to show him what he was missing and now I have damaged whatever pride I might have had left. I tried to hang out with some of my friends and the entire time I just wanted to go home. I guess the only thing I can do is leave him to his freedom. He is convinced he will never date again or want too. He told me he is happier without me. Those words keep replaying in my head. I wish I could shut my feelings off the way he does.
Don’t blame yourself Brie. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about these types of disorder it’s that it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference to them how you act on the surface. I know it seems like it – I end up thinking ‘if only I hadn’t said that, done that etc, then it would all be ok’ but that is the walking on eggshells part. It’s better to stop that anyway. The only thing you can really influence is how you yourself cope with your own situation and that is the strongest thing you can do. The more you look after yourself the stronger your position will get.
Remember, people can put you down, reject you and make you feel worthless but you must never allow yourself to believe them. If you’ve just had a separation (temporary or permanent) then upset is a natural reaction, it says nothing about how you will be coping in the months and years to come – who knows maybe he is in denial and you will get over him first.
Thank you for your kind words Phyllis. I found the bipolar light seminar on this website when I first found it about a year ago. It is great isn’t it, to hear it spoken about from someone with understanding and personal experience.
My heart goes out to you over your grandchildren. It’s a heartbreaking situation when kids are in the middle. I’m sure that I wouldn’t have put up with some of the things that have become a part of my life now if it wasn’t for the fact that I have children and don’t want to face any manner of dispute over who has them and when.
It’s hard to know what exactly is going on with your daughter because you’ve been shut out but I think you’ve done the right thing in making contact with her husband. If she has been diagnosed with bipolar then I find it hard to imagine that there won’t be times when he finds himself at his wits end even if he is a very capable person in all other things in life. It also makes sense to appeal to him if he is the one who makes decisions.
I have to keep this message brief as my husband is in a suspicious mood and I have to keep my use of this board private for obvious reasons. He is in a difficult state of mind at the moment, very agitated and critical. He feels that he is too good for us and shouldn’t be in such a demeaning situation (living with us!) but should instead be out having fun and enjoying his youth!
I was down about it for a few days but am feeling better again now. You get more resilient as time goes on.
Don’t forget Phyllis, your grandchildren will continue to be connected with you in their hearts. I think we are all connected to the people we love and who love us. Whether we like it or not! Probably why we end up getting dragged onto the bipolar roller-coaster with them!
We heard back from our son-in-law and he told us that it would not be possible to see the grandkids and that he would let us know when anything changes. I seriously doubt that he ever let our daughter know that we had sent an email.
I was able to get in touch with “Dr. Jay” from “Bipolar Light”. He spent an hour on the phone with me and has agreed to work with me by phone. The next step is to write my son-in-law a letter and ask for connectivity with him. Dr. Jay believes that he is our biggest problem and has decided that he wants total control over our daughter. He suspects that our son-in-law may also suffer from some form of Bipolar disorder.
He told me that I have very good reasons to worry about our grandchildren. The combination of a bipolar Mother and a very controlling Father will only lead to trouble. I have a feeling that this is going to take a very long time to resolve. I am praying for all of us.
Phyllis, I feel for you and I hope the future becomes brighter.
Is it possible to try to see the bright side and believe that your son-in-law is on the receiving end of as much negativity as you? He is probably just as much in need of support and flailing around in the dark, as we all are. I don’t think that we can label someone from a few words and hearsay, even if it is good hearsay. We all see things from our own perspective and we are not always right. That is not fair to anyone, least of all the children. Perhaps their father sees no other option but to control.
It is not easy but the best response that I got from my son was when I ignored him. Michelle and Panda have alluded to that too.
I have been working with people with problems for years and from my perspective, as Michelle says, control issues plague us all. It would be unwise to make accusations as that only compounds the matter.
Your son-in-law may be your biggest problem but he can be your biggest asset. Don’t forget that!
I may have said it before but it’s worth saying again, one of the few things you can really depend on with bipolar is that whatever they are feeling, sooner or later they change.
Zuki, that comforted me. “I may have said it before but it’s worth saying again, one of the few things you can really depend on with bipolar is that whatever they are feeling, sooner or later they change.”
You’re absolutely right. I’m afraid to count on the fact that his feelings will change, because I am scared he won’t come back. I am hoping he will come around, but this break up feels different. Although, he has added all of his exes on his facebook, every time we break up he flirts with soooo many girls. He’s not. He’s hanging out with different people too. He just texted me and asked if I was okay. I said “Yup. Just giving you what you want.”
And he told me to get on aim. My heart was racing thinking maybe he had changed his mind, but he only wanted to show me some video that someone made a joke out of a song I liked. I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because he can’t imagine the amount of pain I was in and talking to him only made me angry. He didn’t say anything, I signed off and left it at that. I feel childish for doing so, but he is wanting to be friends with me. I can’t do that, because I don’t have just friend feelings for him and then we get around each other we do relationship things.
This might pass, and maybe he will change his mind. But I can’t stop asking myself what if he doesn’t?
I never realized how much I put himself first. I made him number one priority in my life and I worry so much about him. Hoping he is making good decisions, but that fact that he broke up with because he wanted the freedom to party and be wild really disappoints me. He was doing so good for so long, I guess I never imagined it would come back to this. I guess I forgot, and didn’t prepare myself.
Sigh.
Hi Guys
It’s wayne & i just thought i would report in, my gf is still in hospital, it’s been 19 days now, i don’t know when they are going to let her out.
She is coping but only just, she is so depressed that when i call her she says maybe 4 words tops.
She keeps saying when i see her in person that she’s very sorry & hopes we will work through all this.
It’s so sad, it’s made me feel like sh@t now she’s got me depressed, but if it works out this time. It will have been worth all the heartache
See ya Guys Subbie
Hi Wayne, it is great to hear from you. I hope everything works out for you. Try not to be depressed. You have to think of yourself too.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
oh its changed lol. anyway not been on a while obviously hehehe, this ink is quite good. M xx
Hi all,
yesterday my biggest wish was that this website had a call in phone line. I was shaking too much to even write. I’m out of the house again. 6 wewks right on schedule. She told me to leave and yet now is blaming me for hurting her daughter again by not being there. It’s so twisted not even I can wrap my brain around it. Although it is true I can not in good conscience keep bouncing in and out of this little girls life even if it’s not my doing. I am heartbroken! Last night was her end of school year pagent.
I have not responded to any of her texts. She says Im dead to them, she hopes she never sees me again or she will hurt me. She’s erasing my number from her phone and hopes to never hear my name again etc. It’s all very vial and verbally abusive. This is serious they needed help and now Im concerned for them both. I am too emotional to tell the whole story now will have to share in bits and pieces
Hi Trusturgut
Wayne here, yes i kno only too well how they can cut you down & totally destroy you…. been there done that… over & over & over..and probably once more… have had news from her that the doctors asked if she thinks she’s ready to come home. I shudder.. yet am happy…. she assures me this time we will catch it before it gets out of control…. doctors have told me about this drug called “Accphase” it’s an injection that brings them back to reality very quickly… so we have that to fall back on…but i am very aware that this is her last chance with me and she understands… so here’s hoping
Subbie
Trusturgut, hang in there! I wish I had a way to send you my phone number. Perhaps we can find a way later today. I am leaving for the hospital and won’t be back until later when I have to go to a funeral but I am thinking about you very much. I will share an email address with the group when I return.
Think about yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect, no matter what. I hope Panda can be here today to support you. The others will I am sure. Take care!
oh lord, yes phylis it probably will take a long time. how awful. its taken me a long time to get where i’m at and am still not there. with all relationships, it is the boundary and control thing, my mother was strict but denies control, she was though, and i have looked at myself and i am a controlling creature, or i was at least and the last thing we see is our controlling natures, it pushes people away as i realise now. even though we cannnot see it, let go, do not push for answers and see what happens , hard i know, been there and done that, the more control the less we get. please google contol issues to see if any match yourself, i did and its a hard pill to take, trust me but we learn ,x xxxxxx
I learn a lot from your posts Michelle. As mothers, we have a lot to learn, and accept, about ourselves.
thankyou audre thats kind. i am soooo looking for all the answers. i look at the way we anable people to be addicts – i look at co dependency – i look at people pleasing, we are good people or we wouldnt be in this situation, i also look at detachment and letting og of control, i imagine being a granmother and being like my kids grandmother, and i know it wouldnt work, sho will do anything and everthing to please people but you cross her and hey…. you better watch out, and i used to be so similar to her, unforgiving and always thinking i had to have my way, over doing everything to please people, its realy not needed. overfunctioning is NOT needed, i read the other day about the mother who cooked lovley cleaned all the time and her grown up child says i’d of had a peanut butter sandwich if only you’d listened to me, i try soo hard now to give my kids a time where they can ust talk about anything and everything, and i find it hard, i realised i never really listened at all – my daughter who is nine even said ‘ earth to mam’ ( north east uk ha not mum or mom) and i realised i just used to nod and she’d think i was there emotionally, and thats when i got it – listening and REALLY listening is so important, not even agreeing but validating – i’ve read a lot on this too. was embarrassed coming out the library the other day after getting another lot of books the lady asked when my course finished, i thought this is a lifetime course love haha, but said they are all self help books, i think she was shocked, i have nearly read the whole library and now its time to put it all into practice, look after myself and my own, no one else. they can look after themselves if we let them, just let them be. tell them they are ok as they are and yo love them anyways, and if they change it’ll be because they want to and they dont want to hurt you anymore but we cant change them, and thats important. take care all, speak sooon \m x
sorry i had a few glasses of wine my spelling was bad then lol xx
this sounds so much like me.
LoveHate,
I’m very interested to know why you say this sounds just like you. And welcome to website I hope you find it as useful, beneficial, informative and comforting as the rest of us have.
ps if you want to give each others ohone numbers set up an independent e mail each and exchange them on there you dont have to use the e mail address again. x
Explain that please Michelle!
meant make a yahoo address or other e mail provider and you can exchange the email on here and then when you use those you exchange phone numbers, that way no one else has got your phone number and the email addresses dont have to be used again- i cant remember who wanted to exchange phone numbers. x
It has been forever since i wrote. I thought things were getting better for my husband,and that there was a chance that we could work out our marriage. That could not have been further from the truth! After months of suspicion and questioning, I finally found proof…I found love notes from his should i say “girlfriend” of five months. now i suspected something months ago when he started his “bipolar episode” he was getting calls from this woman, but he swore up and down it was nothing! he is the ultimate liar, this man. he will look me dead in the eyes and tell me that there was nothing going on still. he is a pretty sick person. I never thought he would do this, probably because he stresses out about everything and i thought that cheating would be too much for his conscience to handle. He pulled one over on me. He claims they started talking at work and then started hanging out after and so on. i even called this married woman and she denied that they were her notes when she signed them w/her name. I really have never dealt w/a situation so morally incorrect. i watch this crap on tv, but never thought it would be my story. How do these people look at themselves in the mirror everyday? i just don’t get it?? This is the last straw for me! I called him at work and told him that he needed to pack his shit up and get the hell out! and he left. he tells me that he knows he should have conversations w/me and ask me how my day is and how i am but he can’t get the words out..he says that he has no feelings for this woman and no feelings for himself, he is emotionless. he had me strung on for the past five months telling me he was moving…never saved up a penny, never made any plans…just signed a new lease and now this. Although I am hurt and disappointed, i am somewhat relieved…i have been put through hell for the past five months dealing w/his depression, mood swings, his anger, his lies, lies and more lies. I always felt sorry for him having to deal w/such a terrible disorder and was the only one in his life that understood or at least tried,I always made excuses for him, what a fool i am! To top it all off, he tells me that he doesn’t have enough feelings for me to have a child, which was our main issue to begin with. He is the most screwed up person i know and he is telling me that he doesn’t want a child w/me? i never thought my husband would turn out to be such a jerk…sorry for venting so much, but i can’t even get the courage up to tell me family or friends…it is so embarrassing! and such a mess!
Jenn, I found myself holding my breath when I was reading your post. I’ve been there and I think it’s one of the greatest pains Ive ever known. And then when you said that you’ve actually felt sorry for him because he has to manage this disease that struck a chord in me too. As I close my eyes and try to tap into the memory of that particular pain I remember finally giving myself permission to feel and do almost anything. I was sick of being wise and taking the high road all the flipping time. My entire life had been reasonable, integral always thinking of the wellbeing of others Im sure you know the drill. When I began to think of all the nastiness I endured or the neglect and then to hv my sig other be able to muster up affection for someone else while I endured and was fed mostly shit I was Pissed Off. I was so burned out with being understanding. I even went back after some time but I noticed everytime a text came in my hackles stood up. My trust was gone! It’s rough to go through infidelity but infidelity and bipolar is frankly brutal.
Trusturgut,
Thank you so much for your post! it really helps to know that there are others in my situation. bipolar makes it so much worse because he doesn’t even realize how much he is hurting me, it is all about him. he justifies it by saying he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore so his infidelity is ok. i know what you said about affection for someone else, if i touch him he freaks and he is keeping love notes from her…really makes my skin crawl! there is only so much one can take and so much damage one can cause! i think once the trust is gone there is nothing left!
Hi all,
Everyday I think about touching base with u all but it feels like I have so much to write that it’s overwhelming to me so I just don’t. I can’t even remember if Ive mentioned that Im out of the house yet again. A friend of hers decided to tell her something that I had said which wasn’t that big of a deal but because we know how their minds can process and interpret things differently sometimes it became a horror show. Because I simply chose not to respond at all Knowing that no matter what I said wasn’t going to be perceived well or correctly I than was accused over and over of being a liar. Something btw that she espouses to uphoar and yet is a master at. So because I stood my ground, saying repeatedly ‘I’m not getting involved this is not my fight’ she blew! Gave me 30days to vacate. I tried to talk her down but things were escalating infront of her 5yr old daughter. I couldn’t have that happen again. She promised me before I agreed to come back that she would never freak out on me in front of her child nor ask me to leave again no matter what. I was also so damn mad at this insensitive and selfish friend of hers. I’ve tried to explain the nature of her condition to her so that she might be of some help or at least not do damage. I explained that what ppl say and what she hears are not always in sync. But the friends agenda came first. I am heart broken about being away from her daughter again and have sobbed my guts up. Her m.o. Is that she tells me to leave. And then when I do than I will get the most disgusting text messages calling me vile names, saying that because I hurt her kid I am dead to them, that she’s tired of making excuses for me to her child etc. It’s so twisted but yet so hurtful nonetheless. I can’t tell if she’s in somewhat of a manic phase right now or not an currently there’s been no comminicatn for days and this time it may be for good. Usually we have at least some communication if even just about her daughter. I know that she started to get easily agitated starting around the 12th of May. The friend started her crap on the 17th and I remember thinking to myself she has 2 dr appt coming up in a week just hang on. One with hormone doc and one with pdoc. But I was gone by the 20th which was the night of her childs end of school performance. My bp enraged said that if she ever saw me again that she would rip my face off for hurting and disappointing her kid again before the show so when I was advised not to go than she really freaked out on me via text for not showing up. I’m pretty savvy but this one even confused me. That’s all I can manage to write now.
I know only too well
It rips you apart, how can this loving person become this monster, & the partner is always her victim, it’s broken my heart so mony times i have lost count. Yet they can be the most wonderful person on this earth, but in an episode, she can be relentless, she has her own place but when she comes out i will take care of her for a while until she’s well enough to go home. It’ hard but if you love someone you simply take it & get on with what needs to be done. I wish you well, believe me, you will hear from her soon enough my friend.
Wayne
Wayne, I hear u that your nervous about you gf’s return. There will be a honeymoon phase bet on it. While things are good, AND I MEAN THIS give some serious thought to what you would want in the event that things go haywire again. I’m referring to your unborn child. Would you want full custody, joint, none, shared etc who moves from the current or future residence and who stays. You get the picture. I say this for the sake of the child. Get those conversations out of the way now and documents ironclad. Because those circumstances should they arise take the best of ppl to their knees add into the mix a mental disorder and it’s total mayhem.
Hi Trusturgut
No there are no unborn involved with us, i became a grandfather last week as my beautiful daughter gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy! As for my partner, she has no children, which is just as well cos you know how that would be, though she is a retired teacher (through her bipolar) and thank god there’s no kids to complicate things even more. This time we both have very positive ideas on what we will do the next time, thank you for your concern my friend. Cheers Subbie
I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride that won’t end! My husband finally decided to talk to me about the woman. He says she is basically free therapy for him. He cries to her about me and she tells him it will be ok. He has no attraction to her and I think was using her basically. Once he comes out of his mania he will drop her from his life. I ask him how she could “love” him as her note said after knowing him for such a short time and he laughed. I think he enjoys the attention. I really wish I could get him the help that he needs. We never can find the right dr. but i guess if he really wanted the help he would keep trying. I think me making him leave has caused some psychosis. His reality is a little off and he hasn’t slept in many days. He came to see me today and it was a good visit. How will i ever know if leaving him is the right thing to do? doesn’t feel so right now and never does when we are apart. the bipolar has for sure won over our relationship. I wish I would have had a manual when we married…would’ve been a little easier on me.
grrrrr excuses for them – narcissists, they enjoy attention from the opposite sex and yet if we did holy hell would break loose. double standards. and why when they are upa height do they find someone to be all over and someone all over them and then drop them like a hot potato?? god, i found mine talking and chatting on msn with different women, what the heck is going on there? why do they do it? mine moved his lesbian friend in with him while she cleaned blah blah blah partied, got drunk took drugs etc and then told me i should be grateful to her cos now he is a better person and theat i shouldnt be jealous cos she is his guardian angel. erm – its all said to make us freak out and lose it. staying cool and apathetic is the only way, how irritating and soul destroying!!!!! M x
Jenn, I know you’re confused. That’s what happens when normal, compassionate, empathetic ppl process information we let go of our anger learn to see the other side of things, and want to help the sick and the injured. I thought to myself. What if I has gone to the kids show the other night would things have gotten so bad??? Becuz that’s now what lead to believe. I have to remember the threats that came my way before the show! Because I don’t stay angry forever I find myself second guessing everything when I get more calm. It’s a better space to make decisions from yes but it also can not be compared to the same calm brain they have. If that makes any sense. The fact that he laughed at you when you asked him why she said she loved him is very telling. None of us want to ever really let go and we all want them to get well but we can not be their dr’s, therapists, mothers, fathers and partners all at once. We want things from them that those ppl don’t. Especially the professionals we want integrity, honesty, loyalty, love, recognition and respect just to name a few. The only thing I think we all have in common is that we all want them to be proactive inside of their own healing. And some ppl enjoy being sick if it works for them or hate the process of getting well too much to perservere. If he’s out now then stay in contact by all means it might drive you crazy otherwise but I would not let him move back in until everyone gets serious therapy. Let this be the catalyst to him getting help and you need to grieve the betrayal.
I miss the little girl so much I keep having these crying jags. Damn her and damn this f’n disease
Just reading these messages is such a support. In the midst of it all it can be so easy to forget what is and isn’t the characteristic behaviour. I also faced a big blow up this week over a ridiculously small thing – he was telling a story from his past about how his sister had made a 30 year old man cry (genuinely) with her jokes. I know him and his brother have a, lets say dry, sense of humour (basically they say very cruel things while laughing and that means it’s a joke) but I’ve never heard his sister do it, so anyway, I said quite casually ‘I didn’t know your sister had that type of humour too’ – all hell broke loose. I tried to stand up for myself by saying simply that not everybody finds saying cruel things while laughing funny – which I think is entirely true and a valid point but he went full rage over the issue. Immediately went to threats of leaving, a volley of insults I can’t even remember but including insults about my body, my past, my family, anything he could think up fast. The worst part was it was right in the middle of my taking some exams so my revision suffered and my grade won’t be as good. At some point after his shouting extreme abuse at me I said ‘your brother is an asshole’ and guess what… that is the only part of the whole episode he remembers… so the following day he was fuming with rage at my ‘insulting his family’… marvellous how they can turn things around. Its so easy to get drawn into the drama and take it seriously.. I ended up trying really hard to explain and defend myself but it’s like quick-sand, he wasn’t interested in the truth just expressing his inner hatred. It seems like vomit sometimes. As though he just can’t stand what is inside of him and has to vomit it out in anger and resentment. I sometimes think I never want to hear someone shout ever again. I’d just like to crawl into a library and live there in peace and quiet!
Wayne,
I am so sorry and frankly a bit embarrassed. I must have gotten the circumstances of your story confused with someone elses. I’m glad your feeling positive about things at the moment. Will write more later
I found out that there were 100 calls to and from my husband and this woman in 25 days. Pretty sick! he still denies having an affair. I feel like a complete fool. I did everything for this man for so many years. The least he could do is tell me the truth. I think that i deserve to know. He can’t talk about it, he is too stressed out right now. I never knew what betrayal felt like until now. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt! I don’t know how he looks in the mirror every day?
Hi Jenn
Tell me about it, the same thing happened to me only a few months ago, little different though, she admitted it to me, and was so distraught she overdosed on my medication.
I’m picking her up tomorrow morning from the hospital.
She’s still very depressed, so I’ll look after her for a few weeks then she go’s home to her new place I’ve fixed all up for her.’
We have to believe it’s the sickness, it’s the only way to survive…i was just like you, devistated, it almost killed me, (the infidelity i mean)
Anyways good luck Jenn
Wayne
Jenn, he is just rationalizing – not having feelings for you doesn’t justify infidelity – it could be a reason to leave but not to be inconsiderate of your feelings. Not having feelings for someone doesn’t absolve you from treating them with respect – unless amoral
Sorry, that was stating the obvious wasn’t it. What I mean is rationalization seems to be a big problem for some people. Not just bipolar of course but it does seem to make it even worse. My husband often seems to think that he is justified in having sex with someone else because I had sex with someone else before I met him (likewise he also had sex with other people before he met me) but his rationalizations never apply to both of us only to him. I don’t think he ever actually has been unfaithful yet but it is definitely one of his main obsessions. I try not to look too far into the future because I don’t think I would have him back again and it does seem likely to happen eventually which means that the whole situation is just waiting to crack. Not a nice way to live. I just go one day to the next really.
yep, it’s like walking on eggshells zuki
I haven’t been checking as much as my company is cracking down on internet usage.
Trusturgut,
Do not second guess yourself, you are the sane one. You are not perfect, no one is, but you are far more equipped to interpret reality than she is. I look at getting to this point as just a belief system like believing in god or heaven. If you aren’t religeous, then look at it like beleiving in evolution. It is hard, because your partner has become very proficient at pushing blame and guilt onto you. You are not alone, my wife is very good at it too. She feels guilt or hurt or whatever and doesn’t like the feeling and cannot handle it, and so projects it onto me. I used to accept the blame all the time, but I wasn’t doing her any favors. When I forced her to accept blame by not accepting it myself, she had to process those painful feelings. This time period for me was tough, but I was mentally ready for it. I was ready and prepared for her to leave me if it came to that. There is no half assing it in this phase, as that can be confusing for them. You have to be all in.
Audre,
As my therapist would say, it is going to get harder before it gets better. Your son is going to fight your behavior change because it is making him feel uncomfortable, but keep at it. It is making him feel uncomfortable because he was used to projecting blame on to you, and by not letting him, it is forcing him to deal with those emotions he feels. The hard part I find is showing empathy while you do it. This is important because although you are enforcing your boundaries and reality, they need to know you still love them. It is a tight rope. On the one hand you want to show strength to avoid getting taken advantage of , but on the other hand you need to show love and compassion while not getting drawn in and taken advantage of while your guard is down to show that love and compassion. Not exactly easy.
Panda, your words are such a comfort. I for one miss your presence on this site. I’m back to not sleeping through the night again and sometimes wake up crying and in a panic. I’m worried about my partner I’m worried about her daughter. Does she miss me does she wonder where I am. Is her mother bringing in shady ppl into the house again. And then there’s the criminal activity that her mother engages in when she’s either in manic mode or enraged at someone (and now it’s me). I want to yell out sometimes ‘I didn’t lie damn it how dare you tear our house apart again let me come home’. When I wake up crying I remind myself every morning ‘I wasn’t happy there’ I repeat it over and over again like a mantra.
Zuki, I lOVED what you had to say about if they don’t love you anymore that doesn’t ever excuse disrespect or maltreatment.
Jenn,
my heart is breaking for you! There is no correct way to get through this but I will say that just white knuckling your way through is a total waste of time. Write about it, talk into a tape recorder, cry, sleep, read, talk to friends, clean the house or stop cleaning the house. Go through his shit if any of it is still in the house. Pack it if it makes you feel better. You can always help him unpack it if things work out way down the road. Write letters. Ppl in our lives want to shy away from our pain because it can be so palpable and uncomfortable for them. Oh well, tell yourself everyday that you will not lose the core of who you are as a result of this but you will be different count on it. Have no expectations of yourself. I stayed in bed the other all day. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager and that was a veeerrryy long time ago. I am not about fluffy recovery or dignified healing. I’ve done it all. F other ppl’s accolades about how strong you are. This hurts. Come here often and I will check often.
How do they manage to take every good deed gesture and good person and make them into evil in their minds? I really was in their lives to be loving add stability and be helpful. One misconstrued comment spoken out of frustration and suddenly Im out on my ass for good. Just when I thought I really understood this disorder and thought I knew how to handle situations and her god I feel so lost and so lonely tonight
Trusturgut, I have on occasion woken screaming out when I’ve had a dream where I’m wrestling with his attitude trying to reason with him. Yesterday my daughter was talking to my husband about something and trying to reason with him – I could see him getting angrier and angrier and so to protect her I told her not to argue then privately said you can’t reason with unreasonable people – the look of betrayal and resentment in her eyes really hurt me. It hardly seems right to teach kids to accept unreasonable behaviour but she has no chance of ever winning. I don’t honestly know how much longer I can live like this. It’s so difficult sometimes. I think the thing about them perceiving people as evil is the splitting – that was the first thing my psychologist said when I described my husband to her, that it sounds like he does a lot of splitting. The other thing she said was that, if he is splitting in the way that it sounded to her like he was then the image of the good mother (his mother) depends on maintaining the image of the bad mother (seeing me as a bad influence in his life). He had a very difficult childhood (long periods of time shut in the house alone, very angry violent mother allegedly). I don’t know how this would relate to splitting in general – perhaps making a partner out to look evil means they can see themselves as being all good or happy? I think there must be something like that going on, like a competitive desire to make a mess of someone else to make themselves feel better. Sorry not in such a joyful mood at the moment. I really thought I was doing so well and making real progress but then it got harder again. It’s exhausting.
Wayne, Trusturgut and Zuki,
Thank you all for your support and your kind words. It really makes a difference to know that there are people out there that can relate and know what i am dealing with. You all are wonderful people!!
After speaking w/my dr yesterday and telling her about the woman, the phone calls, the spending, the lies, the confusion, not feeling any love for himself or others, the anger, his demeanor …my eyes are now opened…all of this is the behavior of an addict. This is not the first time that it happened before my eyes and I did not even see it. I have been so wrapped up in him not wanting a baby and his bipolar that i missed the big picture. I saw a text message from a friend of his last week telling him to stop w/the rock, but i thought it was a joke…his friend said it was also and that he would tell me if it were true. nice friend…i am not sure where the woman comes into all of this…maybe she is his girlfriend, or contact, dealer or fellow user…there were 11 phone calls from the woman in an hour’s time…if my new boyfriend called me 11 times in one hour i would be a little freaked out…My dr and I have agreed that i really need to get on with my life and stop obsessing about his actions, i probably will never know the truth about what really happened. I have to let it go for my own sake and know that there is a better life for me without him.
@Jenn,
I feel so sorry for you and all the others here who, like me, are expected to cope with irrational behavior.
It is good that your therapist doesn’t expect that. You must think of yourself, as it is clear no one else will. Hang in there! If you put yourself first it will all fall into place. I have to believe that, for us all.
Jenn, way to go! You are talking and investigating searching for answers and being active in your process of grieving. I’ve never mentioned a thing about my partners drug problem here frankly because I knew that that was secondary to the underlying problems. But not insignificant. YES! many of them do self medicate. Mine has told me many times that she just doesn’t want to feel. And the drugs help to achieve that for her. What Ive never been able to find out is how the drugs effect the medication and hormones she takes. Does it completely nullify them, enhance them or just independently have their effects on their own?
I’ve been doing ALOT of letter writing I’ve been so quiet & so friggen understanding through so much of my life these last several years and I have found that now that I have lost so much I have alot to say! These have been some of the things that have been waking me up at night. I know that ppl say to just writing them is cathartic enough and that there’s no need to ever send them but Ive decided after rewriting and rereading them over & over that it is finally time for my voice to be heard. I haven’t been nasty, in fact at times Ive been quite loving and at others very matter of fact. I’ve apologized when Ive needed to and have expressed my hurts as well. It has helped to calm my nerves somewhat. Now I just have to prepare myself for either not getting any response at all or for what may come back to me.
Zuki, when reading about your interaction with your daughter. I thought of a few things. Either she may have thought you were telling her that she was doing something wrong in the way she was trying to ‘reason with an unreasonable mindset’, or she felt offended on her fathers behalf because that’s apart of her DNA too. Depending on her age the latter would be quite unconscious. However, it’s not ever a bad thing to teach young ppl that there are many different types of personalities that they will encounter in their lives and learning the best ways to interact with them is a very necessary skill.
Wayne, have you picked up your girlfriend yet. What was the criteria for her release? Just a promise that she would not try to hurt herself again? Along with continued medical support?
I have been told by all of my family and friends that after going through a heinious divorce and now the tragic events of my current relationship that I need to just get a place of my own and find out what I really want in life. I lived alone for many years in my youth(although I may have not been home as much). And in the last 3 days I’ve been staying at my friends house with them being out of town. I hate it and I knew I was going to hate it! Yet I still have to remind myself how jittery and unhappy I was living with my partner. Her daughter made it all worthwhile and gave me a sense of purpose though. So for me it’s not just about having another person in the house like a roommate there has to be a connection of some sort. I’ve been told that I’ve taken care of ppl my whole life and now it’s time to take care of myself. No, if anything I want to take care of others where Im needed OR maybe be taken care of for awhile. That’s Honest!
trusturgut, you are so nice, its such a shame it always happens to the nice ones. maybe thats our problem – we are too nice and people take advantage of us. x
Trusturgut, I can’t type for long now so will write more later but just wanted to say that if you’re sending your letters try to keep in mind that the replies may be dismissive and knee-jerk. It can be incredibly frustrating to painstakingly spell out exactly what you want to say and then have it disregarded or dismissed. You could cushion yourself by giving yourself a week or so before reading any replies or asking someone else to read them first and give you a general idea before you read them – just to put a buoy/crash barrier between your psych and the reply.
One of the things I notice about using this forum is how frequently my situation changes – I’m talking about the same problem but in such regularly different circumstances – husband has switched back to the other personality now and is behaving very differently. Often when I reach my maximum tolerance level and make it clear I’ve had enough then he seems to loose his power, feel undermined and not entirely know what is going on. Although probably I’m over-emphasising my part in that cycle – I think it would play out just the same however I acted in the situation and my actions / reactions don’t seem to have much impact / influence in reality. About my daughter – she is mine from a previous relationship and finds it very difficult to understand how to live with his constantly changing personality. She often instinctively wants to protect me from his unreasonableness and anger but I of course want to protect her from getting involved in any dramas. I’m trying to teach her by example how to deal with the problem but it is difficult as to some degree you just can’t help being drawn into the confusion. Anyway, I’m considering that we will have to split because I just don’t think that he is ever going to learn to control his anger. Additionally the fact that he perceives his anger to be legitimate – he believes that it is entirely unreasonable for him to be expected to ever play a parental role in his children’s lives (his own children I’m talking about) when he is ‘young and fit’ and ‘should be out having fun’. The very fact that he lives with us is for him an imposition and unacceptable restriction on his freedom – except that is when I talk about perhaps ending the situation and separating at which point he generally gets a bit scared and confused. One time he actually became very afraid and said ‘you’re scaring me’ and when I asked him why – because I was just saying the same things he says – he said ‘it sounds different when you say it’. I was speaking quite calmly and I think he was being genuine – totally different to his raging aggressive and sarcastic personality – that guy is made of stone. I know that you are supposed to reassure them that you love them because insecurity is part of the problem but I just honestly don’t know if I want to carry on doing this. I might have to just insist that if he is so unhappy with me then perhaps he had better go and make another life for himself. It feels unfair that I end up doing all the work with the kids with little support but if he can’t control his anger then I just can’t go on like this forever. I know who I am and I do have many faults but at least I attempt to rectify them and if he can’t even begin to accept he has a problem then it just seems unworkable as I’m carry all the weight of it all the time. I am sad it has come to this but I just don’t see much future unless he is at the very least prepared to take a good look at his behaviour. Fine words when one is feeling strong but I’m just to exhausted to stay on the roller-coaster.
Zuki,
separating does not always lead to divorce and could end up being a good thing for some…it could save a relationship and of course could end it for good. But if it is not worth saving to either individual then that is when you know it is time to move on.
Will it save mine, who knows but i will say that since my husband has been gone the extreme stress that i have been under for the past 5 months has been lifted. I too was so exhausted, every day was a challenge. I am now able to breath again, with him I always held my breath.
I have realized that I was an enabler to him in so many ways, he became so dependent on me that he lost himself and i became a mother to him. He couldn’t even get his own pills at the pharmacy or go to his dr’s appts alone. Now he has no choice but to take care of himself. Maybe once he finds who he is again we could build a friendship back.
Zuki,
Onc of the things I noticed that helped was a strong sense of self and my own reality. Before I wasn’t as confident and a little wishy washy on what was going on. Now I stand up for myself and my oldest son. In order to get to this point, I had to let go of my wife. That means understanding that by standing up for myself, I could actually push her away. This hasn’t happened, but there were times I would push back and she would seem close to leaving. By standing my ground, she started to doubt her reality. The idea that when you reach your limit they sometimes come to their senses is true. That is because you are showing strength, causing them to doubt their reality. The trick is to be strong all the time, not just when you reach your limit. To be conscious of your boundaries all the time , not just when they have been stepped on. It gets easier, but it is exhausting. It would be nice to not have to worry.
For me, the constant vigilence has paid off. My wife is starting to see the problem. She is going to see someone in regards to getting diagnosed. She called the therapist to schedule an appointment. What I have found is the stress of the appointment might cause her to back out or come up with an excuse not to go. You can lead a horse to water.
Hi Panda,
Good to see you posting! I am so happy things are working out for you.
Since reading your posts (and those of others) I have completely changed tact. Whereas I had always been someone who practiced unconditional love, I am now having my reservations about that approach. With any kind of relationship comes responsibility to the other person.
I am unable to talk to my son when he is venting but whenever he is reasonable I talk to him and explain my beliefs.
He is confused over the change but sometimes I really believe he is trying. Whatever happens, I am not going to sacrifice my life for another, even my child. It is very hard for me to say that because it goes against everything I have ever believed. But I am positive you are are right. We have to stop giving in to their whims simply because they are prone to anger and demand special consideration because they are ill.
Bless you everyone!
Hi Everyone
Some bad news, yesterday my partner drove her car into a tree, died instantly…still trying to come to grips with it… had to go to hospital and id her this morning… I’m shattered… but that’s what she wanted…. she told me she was going down town to fix fome things up… I was sitting with my neighbour when she drove up the drive… smiled and waved…
Wayne
Dear Wayne,
I am so sorry for you and what you must be going through. The only consolation is she will never experience this world’s demons again.
Take your time to deal with the grief. You loved her and did your very best so you can comfort yourself with that thought.
We are not close in geography but we are close in spirit; if there is ever anything I can do please don’t hesitate to ask.
Don’t leave the board. We value your presence and input.
Take good care of yourself.
Love…
Wayne, I am so sorry!! I will keep you in my thought and prayers. There are no words to really express how sorry I am for you. When I “thought” the love of my life had succeeded in taking her life after coming down from a manic state, I was a basket case. I lost my mama not long ago to pancreatic cancer and a good friend shared something with me and I think it surely applies in the case of someone suffering from bp and those left behind to grieve. Earth has no sorrow that one second in Heaven in the presence of God cannot heal. Stay strong our brother!
Nae
Wayne my god i am so so sorry. Words cannot describe what you must be feeling. My heart and prayers go out to you. if there is anything I can do even if its just chat on here please let me know
Wayne stay on the board here. There is more I want to tell you but now is not the time. I concider each and every one of you my friend and I love all of you. I still watch this board and I still learn from it. I am no longer in the mix so I try not to add my comments anymore. But I am always here with you guys.. Dean/Lost and now found..
Thanks Dean
yea I’m still numb…. her sister is going to contact me tomorrow… we have never met… but sounds like a nice person…. I am still breaking down when i speak her name… i try so hard to say to myself… she’s at peace now… no longer can her demons torment her… i miss her so.. she truly was the love of my life… now how do i live on along?? i will never forget her.. (stating the obvious) Thanks again my friend
Wayne
Its ok to keep her in your heart. Our partners leave there mark on us for always and its ok. You will need time to heal and there will always be pain. But you will go on with your life as you are meant to do. We are all here for a reason whether we know what that reason is or not. It all comes to light in time. Be strong my friend.. You are never alone…
Wayne, i am so sorry, i just dont know what to say. how awful. my heart goes out to you, and you know we are all here for you. so just post if you need to. M xx
My Dear Wayne, I was truly dumbfounded when I woke up this morning and found your post. I am deeply sorrowful for your loss. Knowing that this is always a possibility I think that’s part of the reason why we love them so hard until hopefully they can dig their way out of their pain and learn to love themselves. But sometimes their disease all diseases win. And it’s out of our hands. If the professionals felt confident in releasing her then how are we as lay person supposed to know. Let this experience further teach you the capacity for your ability for compassion and love. When the numbness disipates and the grief sets in, honor it. This is crushing its the loss of a woman that you loved well. Until you find peace, my friend, know that you are thought of proudly and fondly.
Wayne,
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you. Take care of yourself and stay strong.
My Thanks to you all… you are such wonderful, understanding people… It is getting harder if anything.. but I’m still hanging in there… When i read all your posts i broke down AGAIN.. but that’s a good thing..i will always drop in to say Hi & try help some of you if i can.. Love Wayne
dear wayne
u dont know me but have read this site for sometime now & have never commented …dont question why dont blame youself mate my hubby killed himself 23 yrs ago we had 2 little boys ..i have just been released from a bipolar guy after 7 years, finally had to let go . it took a while….its never easy damed if u do or dont . but hey u will recover from this , it takes a long time & it does get harder before it gets easier, harder that each day goes by & people forget except u , u still remember her scent, her smile , her closeness , just hold onto that because as time eludes u so does your memory. I thought that suicide was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with until I met the love of my life with BP
that crushed my soul with agony but freedom & peace walk hand in hand my friend..may the heavens carry your loss for you regards bitter sweet
Nae,
I can’t tell u how much I loved the saying at the end of your post. I don’t know if it makes the suffering both watching it and experiencing it worthwhile but it does make the notion of the otherside worth waiting for.
Trustgut, I am glad you liked the saying. It has given me the desire to keep going on many times over. I personally have found in my life that the presence and the belief in God has been to me not a crutch but a life saver. If it had not been for the Lord on my side, I don’t know where I would be. Have a good one. (Actually I would probably be in jail cuz I would have probably chocked the one with BP by now after one of her many times of cursing me out). Just kidding. Sometimes I laugh to not cry.
Hey all guess it’s a quiet or busy wkend. Just saying Hi. I have found out so mch abt the BP in my life and frankly it makes my skin crawl. Whoops just realized that I wrote this in text form sorry. Let’s see MANY AFFAIRS CRYSTAL METH GIVING ALL OF US THE SAME BS LINES LIES UPON LIES AND STEALING PPLS IDENTITIES TO GET REVENGE AND ITEMS. There is a 5 yr old in that house who adores her. None of us have a clue what to do. Go away and pray for fate?!? Most everyone just goes away because they are afraid of her. She knows I know alot. Makes me scared. She’s stopped making contact. Has talked about silent revenge in the past. I’ve been told molestation of her daughter also very doubtful. This is the first time in almost a year tht we’ve not had contact for this long. I’m nervous but again out of the state. This the second time in my life Ive been w her. We were together in our 20s. She came back saying that she’d grown up and had changed entirely. All lies she only got worse. I’ve lost so much since she’s come back into my life. God what did I do?!? And what about that child?!? I’m disgusted by the deceit. She’s a sick sadistic twisted ticket. But Im also mad at myself for always trying to make everything ok for her!
Hi Everyone
Just dropped in to thank you all once more, you are all such compassionate people…. i had the most wonderful love i have % will experience, she was my everything…. but I’m coping ok… funeral this week… I’ll be a wreck dosed up on valium… it’s the only way i could handle it.
I’m going to funeral with her sisters… we arn’t going to the cemetary… the girls & i will go somewhere else and celebrate an amazing ladies life…
The sisters have been wonderful to me… they are so brokenhearted as i am….. one sister hasn’t seen her in 17yrs.
Michelle,
I just reread an article that you posted back in April on Borderline Personalities, gettingbetter.com I think. At any rate, I AM SPEECHLESS! This is what Ive been living with besides all the other mess. I know you’ve said from time to time that you yourself have this. Tell me more. What keeps you hooked into someone and What makes you finally break ties or stop persuing, or stop being interested. That article blew me away. And do you think that you can be just a little bit borderline or is it that some have learned to just hide it better or for longer as time goes on. But if that’s true than they are able to have some control over it. And I thought that that was hardly possible.
hi trusturgut, yeah i definately had borderline traits, and that is why AJ mahari’s websites are so helpful, she also has videos on youtube, just type her name in, also tammi green, she is also a recovered bpd. not sure about the persuer thing, obsession maybe, i don’t know. try googling the karpman triangle for that, as you will see by the diagram we are always in one position or another unless you decide to get right off the triangle altogether, which is what i have done, you can only be victim if your willing to play the victim role. same with the other roles. please google as the diagram will not paste onto here. for me, realisation and a lot of reading talking and research has made me think about myself. Manipulation, can be concious or unconcious, but either way and i’m finding this hard to explain, but either way, somehow you do have control over it, i think, because now if i think about things/actions i can see if they are manipulative or not, i think its just learned from childhood. like, you know something is wrong or your treating somebody badly but it doesnt seem to matter because you are gonna get what you want, if that makes any sense? you will manipulate a situation so that the other feels guilty and runs after you so to speak, then it must boost your ego, which is what you need at that time, i’m so struggling to explain here. let me have a think and see if can put it a bit better.
Wayne, still thinking about you, hope your looking after yourself.
M x
Michelle, you’ve done a fine job of explaining what you’ve gone thru. And I sincerely appreciate it. For whatever reason I seemed to have gotten somewhat ok with the notion of bipolar and PTSD. But what I read
was that many bpd’s are misdiagnosed as bipolar because it’s so hard to diagnose. Frankly I think mines got it all. And I don’t say that because Im so hurt or shell shocked but because I always felt like something wasn’t jiving. She’s got her therapists fooled and I think she’s set that up to help her case with the state bar. She is so incredibly cold sometimes. Relationship wise it’s exactly what I read. And not just from a manic phase and I think maybe that’s what makes the distinction.
I would love to know more.
And the feelings of the partners described in that article. Freaked me out. That’s me all over the place. I need to find a way to make it through this. I truly feel like Ive been through a war in the last year. Everyone keeps telling me
that I may need some meds temporarily because they HAVE NEVER seen me come so low. And that I am not in the process of healing but just in agony and suffering. Things are bad I must admit. My partner used to pride herself
on not being a homewrecker. What a first class
joke that is. Although I do suppose ppl get to take responsibility for their part in allowing things to happen. I do. But I had the thought today that she’s right she’s not a homewrecker she’s a life wrecker. She’s so damaged that she will not rest until every last person that she’s ever known or knows is destroyed or has met her wrath. God what have I allowed to happen to my life?!?
And Wayne, I am so sorry for my selfish rant.
May peace be with you.
I totally understand my friend, i hold no anamosity to anyone, my girl wasn’t like that, she was quite simply sick.
She didn’t mean to hurt anyone, it’s just that demon that got hold of her every now and then.
People just have to understand that they change into a totally different creature & that it’s not them doing all these crazy things, they can’t help it.
Hi guys
I have just met my partners sisters for the first time, what beautiful girls, when i left one gave me a book of photo’s & a card reading…. To my new brother in-law, love Karen
I had hoped so much they would be lovely & they didn’t let me down…… both very successful in their work lives, yet both still single, never married…. The damage the mother inflicted on them & my partner, all their lives… not gay, beautiful girls.. well women.
It really touched me. they have welcomed me into their lives forever. as for the mother, she will meet me once, and that will be our last contact, Sorry for ranting everyone. Tomorrow or rather later today in your part of the world, is the funeral, I’ll be sitting with the girls, across from their parents.
Hope you all stay strong, it’s the only way to combat BP
Hi Everyone, is it really true that no one has posted a thing since the 6th or am I just not receiving anything all of a sudden? Jen, Audre, Zuki, Panda, Michelle, and Our Dear Wayne. How is everyone? I know I failed to mention a few others.
Hi Trusturgut,
You seem to be right. It was only last night that I was thinking the same thing.
Personally, I have been very busy and things have been weird around here.
How are things with you? It was good to see Wayne’s last post.
I hope we will all start posting again. Thanks!
ha you are right trust, i think it just needed someone to say something again. and it is very sombre at the mo. all sad. x
Hi guys
I am here and will always be watching over you all,
If anyone needs advice or help you can reach me here.
Wx
hi wayne am glad u r ok numb i imagine but ok
i wrote to not long after what happened to you but I would now like to help other ppl.
My bipolar experience has been ongoing for almost 7 years. we met at work while he was still with his partner then of 7 years..he always used to say she loved her dogs more than him & he would say she was a hard lady …he wondered from her into my world & as these relationships develop things started to appear obviously wrong . he cried every morning as he drove off to work …i knew nothing about bipolar when i met him …he would go off to work then not come back for 2 weeks which i thought was very odd . he never contacted me during those 2 weeks …then he would contact me again & i did not know at the time he had gone back to his partner as he had said such terrible things about her i thought they were finished. finally his partner of 7 years came to see me she told me very casually that he was a wolf in sheeps clothing , she said he bites the hand that feeds him
& that he was a liability. she warned me not to get involved . i just thought she was bitter & he told me she was jealous of me …he moved into my place with my two kids , he never had kids he had a vasc at 19 he was now about 38 yrs old. after being with him for 2 weeks i thought i was in heaven , he was so polite & well mannered extremely affectionate etc etc. then he asked me to marry him & i said yes , then the next day i came home & he had moved out …i was so shocked i tried to call him but he didnt answer my calls then hours later he text me & told me he had moved into a beach house cause he needed his space away from the kids …he told me my kids were awful & he didnt like them . i was horrified as my kids r good kids …so i asked him for the address where he had moved to & i would come & see him ..he refused to give me the address & then mentioned that I was stalking him …i was so hurt i called off the engagement. he became furious & threatened to kill himself , he came to my work & threatened to kill himself out the front of the office …I was horrified so i found out where he lived to try & get him some help and i went to see him.. when i arrived at his place i was greeted by another women she asked me who i was & said that her partner had never mentioned he was in a relationship ..when i got inside he was folding her bras & undies on the drier
i asked him why he was doing that & he became instantly angry with accusations of me having trust issues …they were drinking red wine together when i arrived & she was not happy with me being there so i left.. he never rang me again for over a month finally i rang him to talk & he said he was busy doing his latest invention that he had already sunk over $100K into . he said it was all over & he didnt want to talk to me again so i hung up i was furious
when i got home i noticed he had left a phone bill at my place i looked through the bill & there was a distinct pattern of him calling his ex & talking to her for 30 mins, then hang up & within seconds calling me there were other calls he was making but i did not know the numbers ..i dismissed it all as a bad experience & tried to move on , Months later he showed up at my work out of the blu he asked me out again & reluctantly i said yes he was delighted . he would come around to my place & start questioning my behaviour , he said i didnt trust him & said I presummed bad things all the time he used to say the same hideous things over & over until all my energy was drained & i couldnt think straight ..I would go & lie down on my bed to get away from it & he would follow me in a stalking kind of way & lie next to me saying all these horrible things to me ..things like i was undermining him & i put him on standby all the time instead of giving him attention. he was jealous of the attention i gave my kids then he would cry & smoke weed until he left again. during the next few years the same behaviour continued where ever he lived he fell in love with women in the supermarket or at the park he used to say it took 17seconds to fall in love. finally he left me & went to live with another women i think that was the 5th time & he was gone for a year. after a year one day I had a weak moment as i still had feelings for him so i rang him
he told me he was driving past my place & was only a few minutes drive from me at the time of my call
so i asked him if he wanted to catch up & he said he could not look his present lady in the eye & tell her he hadnt seen me so that was that I hung up
5 years later he contacted me …long story short I gave it another go with him he moved in with me but this time my health failed me big time & i ended up with cancer , while i was in hospital having my 5th operation for cancer he text me & broke it off , I came out of anasthetic to find text on my phone saying he had met someone else & that he couldnt love me the way I wanted him to ?? mind you it was him that wanted to come back with all the sweet & wonderful poems & romantic one liners how much he loved me…. that was last year then he contacted me on NewY.eve he asked me how was i recovering etc & i was very short he said he wanted to see me again to see how i was going when i said NO he became very nasty then he would send me nasty text messages for days . I never answered the messages basically because i was too sick with cancer treatment he knew i was having operations but he showed no compassion at all , he just moved onto another women within days of each of the other women , i used to get letters from women who had been dumped by him & had seen my photo on his computer they used to contact me & say that I was an absolutely gorgeous looking women & why did he leave me . they told me he said horrible things about me to them , things about how i never cared about him I cared more about my kids than him etc etc which was untrue . I idolised him gave him all of my attention that he required …but i did stand my ground with things i thought he had out of whack. I to this day have never cheated on him even though he has with 10 women that i know of .
he bought a property near the beach while I was with him but after 2 weeks of owning it he smashed it all up every wall he knocked down took all the bathroom to bits & the kitchen with these grandiose ideas that he was going to build a waterfall in the loungroom & a round benchtop the moved as u walked by it. the property when he bought it just needed a coat of paint it was a lovely place but he wrecked it & was living in it all broken to pieces. it was a mess
he is unmedicated as far as i know ..but havent spoken to him now for 6 months …he is with another women so i hear … i feel sorry for her
i wrote these experiences for other partners of bipolar whi are trying to figure it all out may be what I have been through can give you some insight into the terrible experiences they create & blame you for …they are miserable people who use innocent people to their advantage then when it doesnt suit them they move into someone new …god knows how they manage to meet these people so quickly my family calls him the PREDATOR ”
to all of you who are suffering with pain from a broken heart there is a way out from the pain it does require keeping busy & keeping your self talk in check ..love bitter sweet
HI bittersweet, So much of what you say sounds so familiar. The yo yo they like you they don’t; they want to be with you they don’t ; they want to go out then they tell you they are dating someone else;the awful things you find out have been said behind your back about you;the grandiose things they tell you they are involved in and believe they can do;the other people you find out they have been involved with while with you; the disappearing acts; you being told you are the unstable one. It is all so familiar. I thank you for your post. It just reminds me of the whole thing and encourages me that there are others that have gone and are going through the same things. Today is my b-day and it has started out difficult because I remember how the one I love that does not love me was nice to me last year on my birthday because she wanted something from me. She was in jail and wanted me to buy her father a Father’s Day gift. Thanks for your post.
Nae
Hi Bitter Sweet
you really sound like a sweetheart….Most what you believe is true, but never forget, they don’t know their doing wrong.
Bipolar people are VERY LOVING, & certainly compassionate, and of course they can fall in love…. i have memories of having long conversations, laughing together, too many to mention…. they hate & feel very embarrassed with themselves so much after one of their episodes, manic moments if you will, I am certain it hurts them so much, it must be soo frustrating to have this happen over & over,…. I know personally it’s so hard to deal with when it come’s to it’s depressing end, when they are at the bottom, inside they’re saying, I HAD NO HOPE. NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. depression is that HEAVY!!
Let me say this….”It’ so sad that they could Love Yet not love themselves”
Dear Bittersweet, you are my angel today. I too in the past month have spoken many times to one of the other women in my bp’s life. She and I have shared story after story at first it felt so wrong I have been Sooo protective of my bp’s privacy her daughter and their healing. But what I have found out through these conversations have opened my eyes ever more wider. The disgusting heinous things that have been said about me no human being has ever said. And of this speaks nothing to the verbal abuse and threats that were spoken To Me. And mine was medicated of sorts, meaning she took her meds but self medicated w some pretty heavy drugs on top of it. You battled cancer through this. I have lost my home, my car, my job all of my friends God how I wish I could turn back the clock. My head is still reeling every day. I’ve had know contact for a month now. But I hear that she still given the opportunity calls me a jealous liar. Gratefully I have now spoken up and told the WHOLE story because now when she says something I hear don’t worry we don’t believe her anymore. She spent her birthday alone and evidently was very hurt by this. Good! Even though I angsted all day about this I did not make contact. She is so so sick and I worry incessantly about her daughter. Sh& started summer camp this week and I’ve heard she’s started her hitting of other children again. Most of that stopped when I was there with the help of a team of ppl, me, a child psychologist, a parenting coach etc. But she is putting her into a new school now. Because so much happened at the last one including the staff becoming extremely put off by my partner and I even heard afraid. Uugh it’s a mess. These ppl change you forever. I truly don’t have the foggiest idea how to move on or start over. I was a strong, smart, capable and compassionate person when she came back into my life. Now I cry and worry, resist making contact and wonder what the hell went so wrong again. I was up at 4:40 this morning just sobbing. I’m still staying with friends. I just feel lost most of the time. The lies that I have heard being told about me really let me know that I didn’t have a friggen clue what was going on behind my back. One hurts more than the next. I’ve thought about nit listening anymore but I do somehow find it better to know than not especially in light of the fact that I was clearly in the dark about virtually everything it’s made me so on guard. I feel beaten, used, broken. And I was there to help them out of love.
hey trusturgut
I am really no better off than 5 years ago …the birthday thing you said thats just reminded me of all the rotten birthdays if from no contact at all on the actual day to a cafe scenario that i had to run from !!
I am still in emotional pain today, am sorry you have lost your home f..k I sold my home & bought a new one to try to move on but the memories still come with me I too was accused of interferring in his personal life , when he starts a new job of which there are many , the women in the work place either become his flatterer or they are vipers in his eyes if they figure him out early enough. we even made an agreement on his last job that he would wear a wedding ring ( which I paid for ) to stop the women trying to rape him as he put , but as soon as he got into the car he took it off. I know this because he would forget to put it back on when he came home , i never said anything cause i didnt want the anger outburst …I like you feel lost , am shattered
most of the time from the abandonment & rejection but I have learnt the hard way not to contact them , the overwhelming emotional pain when i did was too much to take , the casual way he would say he was in love with someone new it nearly killed me.
dear nae
keep smiling everyone
oh the disappearing acts …we would go shopping & when i turned around to talk to him he was gone no where to be seen ..one time I had to walk home for 3 hours because i had no phone & couldnt find where ha had parked the car ..but hey when he came back 8 hours later it was all my fault the anger outbursts were horrible
i couldnt breath the energy was so crooked when he started the lifeforce drained out of my body .
The birthday thing I know they say they dont remember dates but i think they do & they just dont make contact with you to hurt you ..its apy back for all the perceived wrongs you have/ not / done to them . Birthdays , Xmas, New years eves all a disaster with huge scenes , outbursts about what I had done to him
its like What ? What have i done ? I didnt say that ?
never ever tell them they got it wrong ..Oh boy whew
glad its all gone too
love bitter sweet
Trustgut,I feel you. Someone of the lies and things said about me that have gotten back to me are so hurtful and mean and “totally untrue”. If I had an imagination like that and could come up with some of the stuff she does I caould write movie scripts and be rich. Let her tell it I am the anti-christ but as soon as she wants something she loves me. I have been trying to move on and now she can’t stand that and is hot on my tracks. What scares me is that I still love her and I am afraid of going back. I can so identify with bittersweet being told of the new love interest. I could have lost so much. She wanted me to put my house up so she could get out of jail on a $300,000 bond. She got into trouble after leaving my house one night on her way to see another owman behind my back. When I refused she stopped talking to me for a long time and told her family I was an awful person. Finally she got over being pissed at me. 2 weeks before she was released she said she wanted to see me when she got home. We made plans for the week-end. 2 days before we were to get together she tells me she can’t do it because her girlfriend is having a fit. She then signs up on a daitng site and states that she is in school for 12 hours a day so she can teach children. Like yours, she is medicated and also self medicating. I would not let my cat around her I sure as hell would not let a child around her. lol I still find that I burst into tears at times. When does this end? DO you ever get the sanity that you sacrifice back? I still hear some of the awful things that have been said to me and about me over and over in my mind. I think she has at times said these things to purposefuly hurt me for the sake of reaction. I ramble. I just wanted to tell you that I feel you!
Nae
Hi everyone,
I haven’t been able to come on here for a while as my husband has left his job and is in the house 24hrs a day watching my every move and telling me what to do.
Wayne, so sorry to hear of your loss. You must be still in shock. What a tragic way to loose someone, another candle in the wind. I hope you are finding peace xx
Sometimes I think it is the sheer confusion that keeps us looking at them. I spent years trying to understand how my husband could be both so utterly convincing when he passionately loved me and so devastatingly genuine when he didn’t, in rapid cycles. I remember often staring, frowning, into space thinking desperately ‘I just don’t understand’. Somehow the lack of understanding was a puzzle that I couldn’t turn away from.. it just didn’t make any sense. I don’t feel that way now so something has changed. Now I’m not surprised when his emotions switch and actually I think I just wait for it, rely on it. Now the interesting part is watching him change without my engagement in the drama. I used to be the mouse in a game of cat and mouse but I think now I’m just watching from a distance. I know that whatever I say or do, sooner or later he will take himself down, it is his tragic flaw. It isn’t us, our ‘relationship’, it’s him. I think it must be detachment that I’m feeling. I actually don’t want to love him any more and I try to avoid having any feelings. I’m waiting until I’m strong enough to end it, or waiting for him to leave, whichever comes first. It will take time to get over him. I know there’s no hope of my ever loving him in the way I did in the past so I’m waiting for the last embers of affections to stop glowing. Calmly, I hope. May peace be with all of you xx
zuki like u i wait too …he left a year ago & when he did leave i cant tell u how relieved I was finally to be rid of him & all the crap . I know he would have met someone else by now he always does , I havent and never seem to. the utterly convincing love and the genuine devastation of no love I understand totally . I actually said to my ex ‘ i dont understand ‘ his answer ‘you & I both share non understanding ‘ he told me I got on his nerves & he didnt want it anymore, the day after he told me he thinks about me everyday. so where do u stand dammed if you do dammed if you dont , when they are around its a drag when they are not around its painful . I guess the resolve is that they must not have the same feelings we do they must not ‘ need ‘ the way we do. I too have watched as the embers slowly die like you i believe it gets harder to love them , they ruin love & romance , they ruin things in general , I know the feelings you have I left it all behind it took ages to move on. had forgotten about him …5 years later he asked to come back said he was better !!!
you probably do still love him zuki but your love has changed its called hard love its the love u dont really share its the love u have for him thats not recipricated
its all the diappointment its the looking at other couples who can have a normal type relationship, when you cant even talk on the phone to a firend or family member without them getting upset, you are restricted in your love it has so many conditions all the time . it is tiring & does wear u down & thats when u finally have to make the decision is the pain worth the love ?? is this what I want for the rest of my life ?? can i take the good with the bad ??? I look at it like this I am a good person I dont need to feel bad all the time , I dont need to watch my back all the time.
its harder to be in the final throws of it than to walk away …each day trying to convince yourself he is not so bad today on a scale but what will tomorrow bring?
its a very cruel love …peace be with you too my friend.
zuki & bittersweet
Yes it’s so very hard to hold back, but the fact is….& i know from personal experience, you guys should try your very best to love them and appreciate them, hold them, be as close as possible with them… cos you never know when it’s going to happen. they can be snatched away from you so quickly, luckily, that last morning together, i was super compassionate with her, as she had just come out of hospital so i knew she’d be depressed… so the last thing i remember saying to her was, i love you so much, i have loved you for nearly 6yrs, (think i was also feeling happy she was home again…. i hugged her & gave her a nice big kiss,,,,, and that was the last time we spoke… i walked up and sat with my neighbor Jon & we both waved & she smiled back………..less that an hour later she had hit the tree and died instantly….
So please guys, love them all you can because you never know when your going to loose them, really it happens that fast, no signs out of the ordinary…. their demons suddenly decide this is it & it is it… It’s really crippling to live on in the aftermath…. tears you apart… you continue to ask WHY
Something we should always be thinking
hi wayne
u must have written the same time as me cause i didnt see u before my last post to nae.
wayne im gald u got to feel ok about your actions before your partner went …I know it is very hard right now for you wayne I have been through what you have & it is very difficult indeed ..dont torture yourself with what if / wayne my personal belief is when someones lifetime is up, wether it is of their own hand or not, there was absolutely nothing you could do . i know u say be kind & love them but everyones situation is different & im certainly not going to say that you being kind to her didnt work for you . but there r people on here that need to understand that the average BP doesnt give a s..t about u ..they really are not capable is what I should be saying i guess ..they are handicapped to a degree but partners who r going thru pain need to understand that they r the ones who r suffering alone without BP cause BP is off entertaining someone NEW .People with BP must have all the attention wether from u or someone new preferably New as that New person does not know what they r getting into . they r innocent victims on a ride to nowhere ..HELL if u like , innocent people like u & me who fell head over heals for the sheep in the wolves clothing , who did not know they were being manipulated . please believe me I have been to your place you are in , its lonely but u r not alone …we must pull together as partners & friends of these horrific circumstances. we must find integrity through our vulnerability ….there was nothing more u could have done u did your best my friend u did your best
love always Bittersweet.
Hi All! Hope all dads had a great day!! Has been tough for me. I have not seen the BP one for my own mental and emotional health but I sure miss her. I want to be with her but I do not want all the drama and pain. It is pain beyond any other relational difficulty I have ever known. I want to fix it but I can’t and then I feel guilty like I have abandoned her. I had opportunity to date someone and I realized something about myself. I did not really want that person for them I just wanted someone to make me forget. I know it is awful but it is true. At least I was honest with them because I cannot take someone on an emotional rollercoaster of hurt and pain, up and down like I have been on. I have found myself at times asking how did I get to this place? Will me heart heal or will it hurt always?
Nae
dear nae
have been thinking about your situation ..dont beat yourself up because u r not ready to have another relationship . its too soon for you obviously , but that doesnt mean u have to go running back to pain either
it is as u say the worst pain ever experienced , ive been thru death of a partner & that doesnt even rate compared to this rejection & abandonment on all levels including grief. u know why cause they are still alive
if anyone else had done this to you they would be dead cause u would want to kill them from the humiliation they cause. u feel like u r brought to your knees & what for to cop more torment. believe me u will get to a point where u wont care anymore u will .the trick is to stay away for as long as u can , make no contact , if they contact u be as nice as u can friendly etc
then u say have gotta go bye. dont let them play u because they will & then u will be in pain again . Look I know how hard it can get ive been doing this stuff forever over 12 years . u must understand the whole thing to them is a game …it is learned behaviour they dont hurt like u & me they just play another gamewith someone else. believe me the silence the disappearing act the NO contact that is because they have met or are entertaining someone NEW pardon the pun but they dont give a S..t about u. my bipolar man ran off with 3 women a year on average & im not unattractive in fact sometimes I think the better looking u r the more thay want to hurt u because they r jealous..they are extremely jealous & controlling people they DONT give a s..t about how u r feeling it doesnt even come into their physch they dont care. All they care about is someone new who is showing them the attention they want without that person knowing they have BP. that is what they want , not u that is too much truth for them they dont want truth if they had to face the truth it would be too much ..so dont waste your time sitting around pining over them ..one thing that does really help if u could have it all back tomorrow if u really think about that would u want it ? seriously would u want that torment for the rrest of your life ..freedom & peace walk hand in hand my friend & remember they dont give a s..t about u . I tried every angle with these people every type of strategy they are head F..kers they like it , it keeps them busy , they want someone new who doesnt know the demons ..be kind to yourself instead of her , u will stop hurting just dont cave in
kind regards bitter sweet
Wayne its a long hard road to travel the one you have been on. Ofcourse you will always miss the girl you loved and that is perfectly natural for the type of people we are.We are the self proclaimed fixers. what is in the past you will always hold close to your heart. I am going on 5 months without my BP girlfriend. Do I miss her yes I do. But I am able to realize it was not the ever lasting relationship I was looking for and it never would have been. My BP gf ended our relationship yours also eneded the relationship but in a terrible way. In a way that left you hurt and wounded deep in your heart and soul. I want for you to get over the pain that was brought on to you. You see people like us would never do what your girl did because we would feel the guilt of knowing we left behind a person that we coused severe heart break and damage to. Suicide is the most selfish way to end it all. You may hate me for saying this but it is the truth and I am sorry but there is nothing that can be done now only to carry on. Learn from your pain. Learn what not to do and learn that your next relationship should not include anyone with mentle illness. And Nae you let a great oppertunity go by.. Dont do it again. It is alright to date someone you feel at the moment you are only doing it to feel better. Hell thats why we all date. If you feel bad about it just explain to the girl about the situation you are comming from. Chances are she is not already in love with you either
Love comes with time and with compashion and sharing. If after a while you still do not like her move on and try again but do not lock yourself out of finding a really great friend. My new girl for the past two months has no bi polar. It was the very first question I asked and it made her smile and laugh at me and I thought to myself she was very cute 
Well to make a long story short I am having a great time and I do not dwell on the past. I am beginning to fall in love with this girl and she has told me the same. She never changes in the way she feels about me and I find so much comfort in that. A few times I got scared thinking she would change and turn on me.. it did not happen.. I am able to speak with her about anything I feel like and its great! Sure once a month she has her girl thing and even that is now a peice of cake compared to the raging fit of hate I was used to. Now I just kick back and relax and boy is she happy seeing that her little once a month thing has no effect on me 
Our sex life is as intence as it was with mrs BP.. But with my new girl it does not end she is just as hot for it each and everytime 
Im telling you this so you will understand that you guys can have it all and without worry.. I will sometimes check on my xBP just to see what shes been upto and let me tell you..There has been three diffrent guys parked outside her house in four months. She signs onto yahoo and quickly goes invisible.. She is up to no good 
And I dont give a rats ass because she cannot hurt me anymore 
Now get your asses out there and date.. Ask questions and live life like you have always dreamed.. Dreams do come true if you let them 
There are so many wonderful woman out there who dream of finding and loving a guy like us..And they appreciat and give you the love back to you. Whats that beetles song the love you take is equal to the love you take? Well that is what I am doing now 
Get your asses out there and live life in the way you were meant to live it (*Happy and satisfyed*) Get to it the girl you have dreamed about is waiting for you! Do not keep her waiting you are missing out on lots of wonderful things 
I love all you guys 
Correction its the love you take is equal to the love you make…umm I think
Wow just noticed all the smiley faces I put up…And guess what? Its great because a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel free and you should too… let the hurtful one go after all it is what they wanted and was not your choice..
Your right my friend,
Have turned the page, sorted all her stuff & now i begin my new life, think a few girls want to meet me already, but I’ll be taking it very slowly, still get upset at times. But I’ll get there
W
Bittersweet and Robert,
your posts were beyond timely for me! I wrote a very long post last week when Nae, bittersweet and Zuki wrote. It never went thru nor could I find it again. I got frustrated so I didn’t try again. But back to the present…
Last night I had the strongest desire to contact the bp. I finally ventured out and everything I saw and the way that I was feeling reminded me of her. I wanted to say ‘hi’ etc. So I began to text a friend instead and than as luck would have it my phone completely crashed. This morning in the light of day I rememebered all the heinious things she’s done. And how she’s trashed my life and as of late I found out that she has now tried to steal from me too, to the tune of $1500.00. I’m so glad that I was saved by malfunctioning electronics lol!
Bittersweet, your stories, messages and descriptions of how you feel and what you’ve been through I find almost a life saver(savior). I KNOW AND FEEL YOUR EVERY WORD AND SENSATION. When you talk about them not giving a sh&t, living their life as a game w everyone else just being pawns and players in their drama. I also know this to be sooo true. It still concerns me realizing how much I compromised myself, my beliefs and my values. Gosh how convincing they can be. Saying all the right things, innately knowing your desires, weaknesses and how to please you. And then when they turn on you they use all those very same things to cut you to your core. Twist things in such a way that makes you the one that feels bad for somehow hurting them. It’s truly an amazing gift of evil. Without realizing it Im suddenly the one feeling apologetic and bad for them(her)!! It sickens me to know how far I fell, how many ppl I’ve lost, and to have already seen the beginning effects of all of this on her daughter who is so young and so innocent and already soo protective of her mother(she’s 5).
I have to remember your every word. Because as someone saidnto me recently I’ve always had too much of a forgiving nature. And I don’t hold onto the misgivings and misdoings of others for too long. My love for ppl rises to the top too damn quickly.
Hey Trust
dont beat yourself up over being too forgiving , it is truly a divine quality . this world is full of non caring ppl it is hard to find a humble heart, ppl who geuinely care & forgive are the feelers of the world they have a uniqueness u cant just aquire …emotions rule in my world too it is not a deliberate thing I cant help being emotional , I used to think it was a bad thing but hey it gives me an insight like no other .
like Robert said he has found someone else he is now free , well freedom can come to us we just have to ask for it.
I think forgiveness is the key to happiness
the soft things u refer to yr ex gf says & the innate way of knowing what u like etc is too real its creepy
u know I compromised too & am dammed if I can still figure how & where they meet the New ppl so quickly ??
it must be like in the supermarket or a petrol garage or at school , getting a drink at a shop.
thats how shallow they truly r. Would u open a fridge door to get a drink out & get someones phone number from them at the same time LOL they r masters of deciept its almost like prostitution LOL in fact at least pros’ get paid honestly for an honest job LOL
U know I have found my self in the same situation as u after u have lost it at them for doing untrustworthy things that hurt u then as u say they move the goal posts again & u r the one saying sorry for what u said to them. it truly is evil or as the farmers say ‘ bite the hand that feeds them’ if a dig bites its owner it is put to sleep LOL but we get bitten time & time again & go back for more?? In the bible ( am not relig ) but it says ‘ ask & u shall receive ‘ well I have finally received as I have been asking for reprieve from the pain & it happened last night . I finally had the complete visualisation of where i was in my life how I was making my own struggle with this beast that I seemed to wrestle each day in my heart . finally finally the weight has been lifted
I know how u love that person but they r not worthy of your divine love …they r a liability u dont need
love bittersweet
hey Trust
there is a song by kelly clarkson ‘addicted ‘
its like your a drug
its like your a demon i cant face down
its like im stuck
its like im running from u all the time
& I know I let u have all the power
Its like the only complany I seek is misery all around
its like your a leach sucking the life from me
its like i cant breathe without u inside of me
& I know i let u have all the power
& I realise im never gonna quit u over time
Its like I cant breatheits like i cant see anything
nothing but u am addicted to you
its like I cant think without u interrupting me
in my thoughts in my dreams youve taken over me
its like im not me its like im not me
its like I am lost its like im giving up slowly
its like your a ghost that haunting me
leave me alone
& i know these voices in my head are mine alone
& i know ill never change my ways
if i dont give u up now
im hooked on u i need a fix
i cant take it , just one more hit
i promise I can deal with it
ill handle it, quit it, just one more time
then thats it just a little bit more to get me thru this
Regards Bittersweet
Bittersweet, Kelly sings another song, To make you feel my love. Used to love that song and cry when I would hear it, I have begun to realize now that I am not willing to go through all that for someone that does not love me back. My new favorite song says, “you knew I was a snake before you took me in” I am going to try to remember that before I allow myself to be biten by the toxic one again. I know that sounds bad but I am so tired of the pain and the drama. I believed everything was all my fault all the time. She only wants me back now because someone else wants me. However, I have gotten a bit wiser since the last time I feel for that one. I walked away from someone that wanted to be with me and went back to the BP one and when she was sure the other one was out of the picture she left. Thanks Bittersweet talking with you is so good. I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way about what you have to say.
Nae
Dear Nae
I have just listened to that song by kelly , ‘ to make you feel my love ‘ that is truly one of the saddest songs nae, it is also full of hope whilst breaking your heart.
I know what you mean Nae about feeling bad , because u think everything was your fault ,the one thing I will always remember when we separated was the awful low self esteem , is that awful shame, that u have done wrong all the time. he would be driving off down the road with his new women in the car, telling me i didnt love him enuff, & I was the one that felt bad ??
In fact I didnt like myself most of the time I was with my ex bf, I was always dragging my heart around …or maybe it was him that was hanging onto it
Now i realise it was because we mirror their behaviour. That must be how they feel I guess. and we are the projection of their pain as well, the relief u feel when they finally go is immeasurable, its an overwhelming sigh from the suffering , its an almost grateful feeling that they have gone, at that point in time u dont really care if u never see them again . that must be how they feel when they stay away from us I guess pure projection here . but then comes the silence,& that is what speaks mountains , more than a hundred or 10,000 words is the deafening silence of their defeat if u like. there is no contact at all, no words, no sorry, no talking about anything , they r incapable i suppose. what happened to the relationship , its arrogant immaturity that is almost childlike, in its presentation, its what gives u & me our wisdom of this illness its what gives u & me the pain that teaches us to move on . but the pain always precedes the silence & the pain is more than an average person can bear. Nae this wisdom u speak of lets hope it seves u well my friend
regards bittersweet
Hi Guys
Just letting everyone that I’m OK, i was looking on youtube the other day & found “I believe I can Fly” performed by Yolanda Adams… unreal performance, she feels the song, and what a voice… it blew me away…
Check it out guys…. it’ll make your hair stand on end!!
for you wayne from a kindred soul
‘ In the Arms of an Angel ‘ Sarah Mclaughlin
kind regards my friend
When I look back on the past the thing that hurts the most is remembering how I was always blamed and made to feel it was my fault. I know it is self-pity but I feel so sorry for that past me that it is painful – I was so naive and confused – I bought into all the fake invented arguments. I’m so glad to be getting stronger. Yes, you can look back on the ‘good’ times with nostalgia and romantic feelings but on the other hand you can find something else to feel romantic about, a thousand things in fact. Every inch that I climb out of this hole I am not going to loose ground. The past was just an illusion and isn’t worth nostalgia. I wasn’t loved as I loved – and wasn’t respected which is more important. I’m still with him for now because of our children but I’m not allowing the insults to hurt me now. I’m just gaining in resolve, each day stronger. I can so easily see now that each crushing insult only makes him uglier, not me.
Zuki, Thanks sooooo much for what you wrote. It brought me to tears. Thank You, Thank YOu. Each day I see more and realize that all the time I spent wondering what I was doing wrong or why I was such a bad person that I could not fix things or do enough to make her not want to treat me the way she did, was not my fault at all. All of this was and is so painful but I was actually relieved to find that I was not the only one that had the script flipped on them and was told they were the unstable one. I look forward to the day when I am healed and I can trust again. I feel somewhat badly because I find myself being angry that I was turned into a person that no longer believes someone is who they say they are, I no longer love without limits giivng my whole heart and it angers me. Bad huh? I know. I am working through the anger.
Nae
How did I fall so deeply in love with someone that has treated me as badly as the BP one? I took it and took it and it is still affecting me and she can continue on as if I never existed. What is it about we the human species that we hear that little voice and we ignore it? I saw things at times and that little voice said something is not right, run. I ignored. I am not a betting woman but if I were I would bet that I am not the only one. A good portion of us would probably not be on this site if we had paid attention. Ut feels to me like the fight of my life to regain the me that I allowed to be sacrificed. Never before in my life have I had to make myself not be suspicous of others and why they do what they do. Independence day for me will be when I no longer find myself looking for somehting or someone that will make me forget. Happy 4th of July all!!!!
Nae
dear nae
I too have asked this very question many times , how did I fall so deeply in love with someone who gives nothing.
Our lives have been changed forever,wether you bet or not I can tell you from experience the silence u r experiencing is because they are with someone new.
as I have said before I was standing there whilst he was driving off with the new women in his car & she was telling me to go away, he was hers now ? That happened 8 times in 5 years. They are very weak in some ways , they run with the wolves & hunt with the hounds , they are plagerists as well , they take on other poeples habits & personality traits. There is not a drop of what you & me know as loyalty in them . Nae The suspicions u mention , I found myself asking the same thing , meeting someone else is almost like trauma after being so headf..ed . you do wind up asking yourself ‘ am I too insane as well ‘
I started a new relationship with another man & within the first 3 weeks I had ruined it through my paranoia & baggage from the BP one . It truly is a life changing experience for those of us who are emotional creatures
we have been damaged to a degree, & it does take time to recover .
kind regards Bittersweet
I think it has something to do with how attention grabbing the drama is – the unpredictable behaviour results in some kind of power play that makes them the object and us the observer. I’ve just had two days of dire insults – he came down with a bang and has fired literally hundreds of verbal assaults – abusive and degrading insults – my body, age, past, ambitions, achievements, friends, family, nothing is beyond degrading for him. I repeat over and over ‘stop being abusive to me’ and ‘why are you being abusive?’ The excuse is because I spent two hours talking to my daughter a couple of nights ago when I ‘should have been with my husband’. I knew it was in the air about a day before hand but it seems to be fuelled by jealousy of my former partner. I begin to think that he obsesses over him so that he can pretend that he has no responsibilities towards me because he can perceive me as belonging to someone else… thus absolving him of behaving responsibly. There is a lot of delusional stuff and paranoia too.. it tends to wash over me now and I ignore most of it. I knew it was only a matter of time before he brought himself down again – as I’ve said before it is his tragic character flaw. Still it never gets any easier to listen to hours of abusive insults thrown at you in furious anger. At times I was shaking, at times I had chest pain. I stay because I think he would be a worse enemy as an absent parent and fear that he would fight over the children – he doesn’t seem the type of person who can manage without an enemy. I don’t want it to get that ugly so I tolerate the intolerable. I live in a perpetual state of anxiety and fear always trying not to trigger another onslaught and always afraid of the next one. It is utterly exhausting. I try not to be forced into living on egg-shells but his aggression is very hard to deflect. He is a dominating control freak who could do with spending some time with a psychiatrist! Sorry, not been an easy couple of days for me.
hi all – not been on for a while. yes wayne, that song does make your hair stand on end, good to see you on here, and i really hope you are doing fine. Dear bittersweet, i too asked myself if i was insane after everything and thought i was worse thatn i was and went to therapy, they make us think we are mad, and everything they feel they project onto us so they dont have to feel it, i was depressed and suffered bad anxiety and even wondered myself how it was all going to end. ALWAYS remember that they prey on the weak and the very very kind, sometimes the tooo kind, the ones who will tolerate any kind of shit that is thrown at us. the ones who see the good in everyone no matter who they are, look at the people who wouldnt tolerate any kind of bad behaviour, they dont go near them do they??? i been ignored for eeks and weeks by mine then got a text saying he wanted to talk, i asked what about, he said about all the things i accused him of over the past 4 years, yet no mention of the things he accused me off over the last four years, the cheatig he thought i was doing the abortions he thought i had, the things he thought i knew yet never told him, even dispicable things i could barely bring myself to mention on here, and yet after he cheated i forgave him, but was always on my guard, but he only wants to speak about what he was accused of, thats why i need to walk away as after all that i feel of course i am going to be untrusting – i do feel mu only sin was loving someone who could give nothing back and yes no matter what he did i forgave him, i thought forgiveness was a good thing, seems it wasnt, have i got it all wrong?? what the heck are we all to do?? stop being kind?? stop being so loving??? i dunno and i still search the answers. i was told that if i loved deeply it made him afraid cos i could hate as deeply????? cant we ever win?? when cheated, he told me it wasnt him, when confronted with flirting he said i over reacted. erm well getting on top of his freinds wife and simulating sex, i dont think so. oh the double standards. i was told i was nasty if i’d had a drink, yet i never once tolod him to leave my house in drink yet i was told to leave after a vodka session and had nowher to go while he went partying and taking drugs. yes the drama is a big thing, they love it good or bad, as long as the focus is on them its ok. the bigger the drama the better, they love it. they will rope their freinds in to the drama and turn each and every one of them against you, or intended victim of the hour. the devil must have a great hold at that point. they are fantasists of he biggest kind, mine once told he he missed me so much after weeks of no contact and i believed him, even this time he said he was in the here and now at this moment in time, and i beleive that when they disappear they are not themselves, they are someone else and the only reason i htink this is because he said it wasnt him when he cheated and when i read the book today i a alice, they seem to have multiple personalities. as mentioned on here befoer he called my daughter a bastrd and told her not to talk about his dog like that when she said if it bites me she’ll have to be out down. he turned child like and went down to her level but it frightened her, she didnt understand. he walked out that day – did he know what he had done? i wish i knew. M x
oops sp sory about the spelling again i have had a drink, oh the demon drink lol x
How are you in the relationship with them and when they walk you are left standing there hurting and crying and they walk away into the arms and bed of another as if you never existed? Am I that forgetable? I am not an ugly woman inside or out so why does the one I love not love me back? I know it is another rant but it is easier to write my feelings down here than sit and wonder all these things and end up in a weak state and call the BP one. When you go over all of this in your mind does the fact that it still hurts make anyone else feel like they are pathetic to love someone so deeply that does not love back? If I could go back and erase the day we met I would and then I feel bad for thinking such a thing. Anytime she feels pain or discomfort she runs or self medicates or both. I do not have the privaledge of being a person that can do that.
Zuki, no need to apologize. We have all been where you are and felt what you are feeling. It has not been that good of a past few days for me either. I miss her but I don’t want the pain and right now she doesn’t want me. I even fell into the trap of thinking that there must really be something wrong with me because I could not even fix a relationship with someone with a mental illness. (I no longer feel that way). Hang in there. We are all trying to find the anti-venom that will stop the destruction we are experiencing from the bite of this viper known as BiPolar!
Nae
OMGosh ZUKI
U may have just saved me one more night. Since I’ve been away and out of the situation for a while now I have found myself wanting to reach out Bad especially tonight. I happen to know that she and her daughter are only 3 hours away. And have angsted and fantasized about going to find her. Finally it dawned on me to check in on this site and everything you wrote brought it all back for me! When you were talking about his expressing his anger in such a way that makes it sound like you are still with your ex husband. My God I remember mine doing that all the time during her tirades. Although I never could figure out why she would do that. I think you are right on the money. What you said about that way they don’t have to take responsibility if you illusively belong to someone else in their mind Jumped Out at Me. And then the memories of the shaking and being berated and the chest pains. It all came flooding back.
And then when you said he could stand to spend some time with a psychiatrist. I realized I haven’t shared the latest. Now mind you I’ve been out of the picture for a quite a bit now. When the other day I get a call asking if I’d heard from her. No Why?? Because I’m informed, that she is on a rampage again saying that she is going to kill me and don’t think that she won’t find me!! The reason: her appt w her pdoc was moved up a month and he said to her that He has reason to believe that she’s on drugs and is requesting a drug test. She is convinced that either myself or the person who contacted me called her doctor and ratted her out. Neither of us did. It’s probably her own behavior that gave her away. I happen to know that her pdoc is very good. But even after that I still find myself wanting to make contact w her. I know I can’t be involved romantically. But it’s hard not wanting to be in her life. And that’s the part that I can’t EVER seem to figure out. There are ppl out in the world that if they are hurt, cheated on, threatened or treated poorly they DO just walk away and leave the relationship. What is this addictive power?? I also am forever amazed at my ability to have heineous abusive memories fade. I don’t force or will them away they just dissolve. In fact as I’ve been literally struggling not to reach out I kept trying to make myself remember all the horrific things that I’ve been through with this person and what I could recall was relived with SUCH Diminished intesity it blows my mind. It makes me feel weak and impotent and spineless and ashamed
She has said so so many times that she doesn’t have any friends. To all of us it’s obvious why. She’s rude, and disrespectful and critical and cutting and can be incredibly mean. But even knowing that and having been on the receiving end of that both when we were involved romantically and not; MY Bleeding heart so easily looks past all of that. And still yearns to be in her life.
She is toxic in my life and everytime she’s ever been in my whole world is usually trashed and comes crashing down. I don’t mean to be so negative but it is the truth. Not only does she barely have any friends and those that she does have are mostly there for her daughter and do not live with her. But she’s managed to threaten and scare away my long time friends away too so much so that they still won’t speak to me based on what she’s done. And yet my mind still drifts to her
She also can be incredibly loving, kind, generous and considerate. And I suppose because when that person shows up it too is as intense and overwhelming as the evil side. That in those moments you can’t believe that you have been blessed with such a wonderful person. I’m living proof that it’s the ultimate mind f&@k.
Trusturgut, I feel ya bro!
I used to feel like that but now I think I’ve become more cynical. I tend to think that neither of the extremes are all that impressive these days – probably why he has had to up the level of insults and bombard me with them – the subtle ones don’t work now. I thought I’d never find a solution to the problem but at the moment it feels like the mood swings have become so predictable that the drama doesn’t really gel now. I still see how other people can think he is a lovely man – I’m very aware that other women see him in the same way I did when I met him – he’s an expert at coming across as being a very sensitive and caring sweet person but really it’s just superficial and fake – he can’t keep it up and it drains all his energy, it’s just a narcissistic persona that he needs other people to buy into so he can feel a bit better about himself. They’d be horrified and shocked if they knew what he is really like (and the things the says about them behind their backs) so much so they’d struggle with the reality of it even if they found out – just like I did for years. Still, sooner or later them being the star of the show gets boring, I’m glad to say. For a long time I thought I wouldn’t want to forget that feeling I got when he was nice to me but now that I’m starting to get over it, there’s no way I’d want to go back.
Zuki
you sound very tired , I feel for you
I know what u mean about them being the sensitive , caring & sweet person to other people .
I used to feel my ex BP treated everyone else like the queen & me like some feral dog in the back shed.
its very depressing & I just want to say to u to just look after yourself for a while if u can
regards bittersweet
Almost six years of bullying I’ve endured now. Definitely very tired. Thanks for your message Bittersweet.
I have heard nothing from the BP one for a while now. Why do I at times miss the one that has caused so much pain? I do not miss the bad behavior and horrible treatment but I do at times really miss her. She is now on several dating sites looking for someone that is the person I was to her. Everything I was is everything she says she is searching from. Did she ever really love me? Did I not do enough or not give enough or was I not enough something for her to want to stay. Is there something I could have done or not done to prevent her from cheating? Could I have tried harder to prevent her from going out and drinking the night she got arrested? She said if I loved her enough I would have put my home up to bond her out and trusted that she would not run leaving me hanging even though she told everyone else that was what she was going to do. Why do I still wonder if she ever thinks of me? I hate this poison and how it has affected me.
Nae
Zuki …me too 7 years then I just gave up.
nae
you really must try to stop thinking about her all the time or you will end up very depressed
you have read the posts …everything or nothing is never enough , they have to have it all their way
well she has her own way now , & blessed you with your freedom . peace & freedom work not that constant torment & bullying . you are suffering because she has abandoned you , she is not suffering like you. just remember you can never do enough , its never good enough
they are sick ? eventually with time you will forget her
try to meet someone else , watch your self talk ? stop wondering what she is doing , it hasnt changed she will never change . dont drag yourself down with what ifs
regards bittersweet
I also get that ‘if you loved me more’ – I think it’s just a way of trying to shift responsibility. Mine certainly can’t handle any responsibility so it must be my fault that he is still with me, etc.
His two main symptoms are very strong emotions that aren’t responses to external events – the emotions definitely come first and if there’s nothing he can blame them on then he’ll start a fight to blame them on. The second main symptom is that those very strong emotions take control of his thought patterns – he can’t avoid having delusional fantasies (paranoid and aggressive ones full of hatred and sexual imagery) and he can’t avoid his mouth spilling out all this crap.
I think the alienation of having lived with that since he was a small child has caused knock on problems – serious mental immaturity when it comes to taking responsibility to the point where he feels he is an innocent victim being persecuted by others (usually me but I’ve known others be the target).
He accused me of not loving him yesterday but if I didn’t love him I’d have got rid of him long ago. I suppose I must still love him or he wouldn’t still be such a problem. He’s just so attention seeking and such a drama all the time. I’m so sick of it all. I think I’ll be glad when he find someone else to do my job and be the whipping post in his life – good luck to them.
I’ve just been searching for articles on attention seeking adults – several of the ones I found claim there is a link to immaturity. Codependents and attention seekers are an obvious match for each other – the one focusing all their attention on the other and the second lapping up all the attention. I’m sick of giving the attention.
zuki – please post some of the websites you read with attention seeking adults if you can. very interesting isnt it, we are the adorers and they just lap it up yes not just from us but anyone at all. i too have given up after 4 years and not having heard anything from him in months get a text out the blue asking if i wanted to talk, erm not really i’ve been there and done that too many times now and got no further forward, d they just think we wil always hang around waiting with open arms ready to be kicked to the kerb again just as we slowly managed to get back up after the last set of abuse. not me, not this time anyway, and it feels good to feel stronger. hope you are all well. M xxxxx
Michelle, thanks so much for writing this!
Nae, dont ever think you didnt do enough. i too found my bp on numerous dating websites and 40 girls on msn and even when i forgave him and believed he’d never do it again he still did and even told me i was being ridiculous to be jealous and that he just liked chatting. i even mailed some of them in my madness years ago, and it seems even cybersex and exchanging of dodgy pics was involved, its so sickening, but they are sick and definately attention seekers, and it doesnt matter who it is who is adoring them at the time, they really dont care, they are emotional vampires. when i say they dont care, maybe they do in their own way, i dont know, maybe they do love us in their own way but its just not enough or how we want to be loved. its mindless, its definately poison and i know exactly how you feel. mxxxxxx
I am lost, I have a girlfriend which may or may not be bi-polar, for all I know I may be to a point, but what I do know is that my girlfriend is having a very miserable life at home (we are only teenagers living with our parents) and I can tell she has issues trusting people and letting people in, she even admits to her having a barrier.
I tell her a lot that I worry about her, and can tell by the way she types that shes miserable (we talk over facebook a lot since we don’t get to see each other because her mothers paranoid and thinks everything as against her and her daughter) and even when I get to see each other, she breaks down occasionally.
although what I need advice on is, whenever I ask her whats wrong, some of the times she pushes me away, I tell her that I worry about her, and she says to don’t,
that makes me worry more, and I know from experience that i need to get through that wall, and comfort her, let her get her feelings out, but when I ask her, tell her I’m just caring, she breaks down again, blocks me off more, and I feel really bad whenever shes sad, even worse when it’s because of me,
she then said sorry, and said it was her fault, but the thing is, I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at me (I never said anything or showed that I was), I believe she shouldn’t have to say sorry to me because of that, shes not being nice blocking me, but it’s me trying to get in,
it seems if I try to comfort her, she just gets upset, if I don’t, then I feel bad that shes sad, but even worse that I’m not doing anything about it,
I told her that I wont ask her whats wrong and stuff, even though I clearly know it’s not the right thing to do, it’s whats she asking, and until I get some sort of advice, I’ll go with that option, since it’s what shes asking for,
pretty much, in summery, I have two choices, either one, I’m fucked.
1. to ask my girlfriend whats wrong, tell her I care and worry, and try to comfort her, and tell me how she feels, but in turn whenever I try to, it makes her sadder, makes me feel even worse.
2. do as she is telling me, and even though I do worry and care, I wont ask her whats wrong, and wont let her know how much I worry about her, she is sad on the inside, which makes me feel bad, but the fact i’m not doing anything makes feel even worse.
she doesn’t get aggressive and say names, she just has really depressed moments. she always tells me that I have my own problems to worry about, and that when I told her that she is blocking me off, and told her that I’m only doing this because I care and love her, she just tells me to drop it, and I quote “you don’t know what your doing to me”, the problem is that I don’t know, thats why I’m doing that, but after that, I felt that I should stop.
I just need advice on what to do, if theres any 3rd choice I haven’t thought of yet,
and to make this clear, I will not ever break up with her, I may be a teenager, only 17, but I have dated 2 people before, and thought I loved them, but I wrong, because what I feel for my girlfriend now is by far more, and might actually be real love,
either way I do have my own problems, and it seems that being with her, gets rid of all my personal problems, her being with me gets rid of her personal problems, just due to her controlling mother, we only really get to see each other once a week which means 6 out of 7 days we feel like crap, all my personal problems are being dealt with though, and is already on the road to recovery, including counciling, so my problems aren’t as bad as hers, and I want to help get rid of her problems.
regardless, 6 out of 7 days of crap is better than 7 out of 7 days,
just I wish I could do more for her while we are apart.’
I was even suicidal before I met her, whatever advice I can get that doesn’t involve breaking up with her, or ruining the relationship in anyway, is welcomed, I welcome any help I can get.
regards
Michael
Hi Michael
It’s a hard one my friend, If it were me i would just try to stick with her, calm her, your obviously good for each other. Depression is such a killer, i would cherish the time i have with her & vice versa
Wayne
your right Wayne, it’s just one of those things where I’m confused not knowing what to do, it’s nice knowing that there is help out there, and if it is just reading my problems and even a simple message like that could make someone feel better,
thanks
regards
Michael
still would be nice to get other peoples opinions, :/
Michael, my personal opinion, for what it’s worth, is this -
one thing that seems to me to be true from my own experience is that people are the way they are and there isn’t a huge amount that we can do about that. If your girlfriend has a particular personality disposition then it may be the case that she will always be like that. That’s the bitter pill – this may just be what life with her is like. I often think that our frustrations come from a desire to change them or fix them but in reality we can’t. People are the way they are and I think we can’t mend them in any way that is really lasting. The trick is to make sure that they don’t drag you under with them. Sorry if this sounds too cynical.
Michelle, am trying to find the websites but I always delete my internet history to cover my tracks (when doing the guilty thing of reading about mental health disorders!) will post them if I find them.
Michael, possible third option – acceptance – if you can, take comfort in the knowledge that you have made it clear you are there for her whenever she needs you. You know that you have done all you can and the rest is up to her.
my personal life makes acceptance hard, although I believe thats the option I am currently taking that option, with the support with her friends who also worry about her,
like, just the way I grew up, is opposite, no one really cared for me, and instead of being on lock down, I was always if anything kicked out, and always brought up with the idea that things where my fault, and even now, everything that happens, I always seem to find a way to blame myself whether I like it or not.
so acceptance is easy for me, just hurts to do so, knowing I’m not helping her with her problems,
I know 2 days ago, she had another big argument with her mum, and she was really sad,
I don’t know if it was the right thing, but I didn’t even ask if she was okay, never brought it up, even though again, she pushed me away, and told me not to talk to her for a while.
even now days later, I am noticing I am really angry all the time (I have anger management problems, especially when I am really depressed), and keep thinking I did something wrong.
she is over that ordeal now, but I’m not, and still depressed because I didn’t help her in anyway, when I knew she needed it.
and yes, your opinion is worth a lot to me,
it is cynical, but the truth,
but it’s not like I can live without her,
I was much worse off before anyway, don’t want to ever go back to that,
the worse things I have now is a nightmare of her breaking up with me, which in my opinion is the worst thing, the thing I fear the most.
My story is very similar to some of the posts I have read. My boyfriend has bipolar and was always very open and honest about it from the start. However, he never showed any symptoms and seemed completely happy to me so it was something I rarely thought about. Having met at University, our relationship became intense quite quickly as we were spending so much time together. I started to notice that deadlines and exams were causing him great deals of stress and it was then when I noticed the symptoms. Some days he would not get out of bed until 5pm, barely eat, and be very uncommunicative. If I asked him what was wrong, he would say nothing, that he was fine, and then push me away. The next day he could be on cloud 9, as happy as anything, having ‘great ideas’ and saying how amazing he was.
Then sometimes, completely out of the blue, he would say that I don’t love him anymore, that I don’t find him attractive. Nothing I could say would convince him otherwise. This hurt me deeply, as I love him more than anything.
During the bad times, I learnt that it was not wise to argue with him. He is very manipulative, and can easily make himself the ‘victim’ out of any argument, even if he is in the wrong. He is also very against lying, and often says I am a liar – something which disgusts him and he says he can not trust me. If I tell him the smallest lie, such as, ‘I will be gone for an hour’, when I come back in two, he will not talk to me for the rest of the day. I have never, ever, been unfaithful to him, yet he is very worried that I will cheat on him, and has often accused me of having done so.
Life with him is such a rollercoaster ride and I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells around him. When it’s good, it is amazing. When it’s bad, I feel like my life is crumbling.
Ok, I have spent the past few days reading all the posts here. Some of them are a carbon copy of my relationship with James.
I am gay, met his online on a Bear web site, we are both big guys who like other big masculine guys. It was October 2005, he sent me an e-mail and I responded. I was out of my first relation ship that ended in 2004 by my previous ex cheating on me with a lot more guys…anyway, that will be another topic.
James and I started talking, long distance thing (yeah I know), I live in NJ and he lives in the sound, Bible belt. He was 41 and I was 28. instantly talked on the phone and he was a charmer, physically he was everything I’ve always dreamed of…he lured me to believe and pretended to be someone who no I know never existed….2 days after we started talking for hours on the phone, and during the conversations we found out that we liked the same stuff, used the same cologne and wars the same types of clothes, like the same food, tv shows, football, etc…it was like a spitting image of myself, so 2 days after he disconnects his cell phone…I was devastated but did not think much, I thought it was something that I said or what not, but I let it go. two days after I get a call from a blocked number and it was him, being apologetic and saying sorry that he got scared that he could fall in love with me and he did not wanted to get hurt, I understood, and we started talking again…phone sex and sexy photos followed after…boy he would cry on the phone after, and then tell me that Jesus came to him the night before and told him that it was a bad thing that he was doing with me, I felt horrible that I was doing that to someone whom I never met, so I tried to be understandable and what not…so we arranged to meet in January of 2006, I flew to his state, but not without drama, he canceled the trip the day before and told me not to come, but I would not take no for an answer I convinced him that it would be fine, I was just looking to take him out to dinner, as friends, etc.
We met, and it was love, I don’t know how to explain…I felt for him immediately and he says that he did for me too, and we were in bed making love from 9pm to 5am…just love! He said that I gave something to him that no one had ever managed, and he dated woman and briefly other guys, but I was mischievous…making another long story short he laid in my arms crying most of the time, that he was a sick person and that I would be hurt by him in ways that it would changed who I was…I should have listen to him 5 years ago…so after that wonderful weekend, he left me for another man, spent 6 months without talking to him then came back to me that same year, and we were together till November of 2009 when he dumped me via txt message telling me he wanted to date other people… of course a lot more happened between 2006 and 2009, here is a list:
-lied to me about his where abouts(even traveling out side of the state on a weekend getaway, and telling me that he was at the Walmart parking lot near his house when I could hear the ocean on the background, and got upset with me because I questioned the truth)
-lied to me about other man and even woman( he befriend a married female co worker and there were pictures of the two of them on his cell phone, hence he is her boss, and she wanted to lived her husband to be with him, and when I asked him about her he said that they were best buddies in the office, this woman would call and ask him to come back to the office, and that she misses him, he later admitted of “flirting” with her that his mother told him it was not right because she was married and his subordinate)
-dated other man while dating me( married man, they were his specialties because he would always say but John Doe is very much married, and we don’t do that stuff, it turns out they were romantically involved)
-verbally abused me, and at times physically too with his horse play joking, but I know the punches were serious. I could see it in his eyes.
-told me he hated me because I made him be that way (he said that he loved me and that I had placed myself in his heart and he could not take me away from it)
-his parents hated me, for making their son sick (he lives at home with his parents and they control everything he does, but not his spending habits or his behavior)
-I did nothing but plan my vacations around him and his scheduled, he always came here to my house.
-I help him get his PHD and I was not invited to the graduation, because he said that his parents did not like me, I found out that he invited the man he left me for to the graduation (sick).
-he went on trips with his family and never had money to go with me( and I stop offering to pay, because I found out that he was sending care packages to other man, but none to me)
-started a relationship with another man while with me, and lying looking in to my eyes that he was not involved with anyone else other than me.
-he absorbed my personality that now he wants to be me at any cost.
-he is addicted to pain killers and sleep medication, not sure about his bipolar medication, I stop looking because he was getting angry at me for even asking about it and he was not going to see a doctor
After all that I gave him a lip of faith and decided to talk to him again after he dumped me the week before thanks giving of last year, we were to do to FL and he dumped me via txt message…well I started talking to him again in April of 2010, just to find out that when he dumped me, the new guy told him that they were not a match, my ex crashed his car, had liposuction that went wrong and now has deformed his left chest, had his bile sack removed, lost 36lb, but he said to me that he wanted to see psychiatrist because he knows he loves me and that he believed that we are meant to be together and I believed him because I was hurting so much with the distance and the silent treatment that he imposed, so I helped him look for a doctor that he wanted and felt comfortable, he said that the guy whom he left me for that they are just friends now, and that he knew how much it hurt him and he the way he was behaving, etc etc, I guess I wanted to believe it so much that I accepted but with one condition that we should meet first and talk face to face, he said that he would but when he felt better from the surgery and when he gained more strength from the surgery, I said ok I will wait, cause I could not leave my work and run to him cause I have a good job and so does he. But we talked every day on the phone and txt and sent each other pictures and called each other to say good night, almost like he never left…but in the beginning of June he told me that he was planning a trip to Province town for July and it was a 3 day trip with his friend and I knew it was Bear Week and I asked him about it and he immediately got agitated and hung up the phone on me, I did not call I let him call me and he said that if I could not trust him then I was no good, I was a control freak, I wanted to put him on a box and control his life, and I simply said GO!!! I am not stopping you; I want you to be happy! That is all I said, and he said there is nothing between me and him we are just friends I wish you could come with us, and I said YES, I would like, then he said I am not sure if there is room in the hotel, so I knew that he had already booked a hotel, and had made flight arrangements but not with me, and he really did not wanted me there. So I became very distant from him, he would call and I would not answer, he would txt and I would not answer, or I would answer at the end of the day on my home, or I would talk to him for 2 minutes and tell him that I was tired…so the week of the trip I told him that I was not happy that he was doing that and that he was going there to meet other gay man and I would not stay and watch him do that in front of me while him knowing that I loved him…and he said you’ve done that with your friends and I’ve always trusted you…I said I can give you that but I always asked you before I made arrangements to see if was ok with you fist, you just made your arrangements and told me what you were doing if I liked it or not…that was the difference. And he begged to trust him and to believe him because now that he is going to the psychiatrist he knew he wanted to be better for “us”. So I believed him…and guess what…while there I called him and he acted very strange on the phone like he was annoyed that I called, I did not hear back from him till he came back on the Tuesday and he left on the previous Thursday 07/08/10. he had turned his phone off, so I did not hear from him for 5 days, then I called him on Tuesday and he was a different person…attacking me, calling names, telling me that his feeling for me had changed, and he told me on thanksgiving that he was done with me, and that I should move on with my life, and that he turned his phone because he wanted to enjoy himself and not think of me, because for the first 2 days all he did was think of me, and he was making his friend upset, so they share a bed together, and he was not happy when I said it that he could slept with this man on the same bed after telling me for 5 years that he could not sleep with another human being in the same bed…he started attacking me right there and then, telling me that he does not love me anymore, and that he had met someone and he was contemplating loving this new person…and I asked him who he was and it was not the guy whom he left me for it appears to be a new character being added to the soap opera, so I politely told him that it was over, and that I wanted nothing to do with him…he called me the next day saying that he did not had sex with anyone but he kissed another man, a man who was walking around shirtless and he like it, and I asked and did you feel guilty about doing that with me, and he said NO. So I said again, you need to go and leave me. he called on Saturday 07/17/2010 and we spoke for 3 hours and I let him have it…I told him that I was done with his crap and that I wanted to be with someone who would love me and not treat me like a puppet and that I hope his new LOVE will treat him with decency and that I wanted him to be happy…and I told him that I loved him with all my heart and that no matter what the last paddle would always be “HE LOVES ME” and we both cried and I said that I had to go…it has been very hard for me, it hurts very much, I dream about him almost everyday, but as many of you have said here we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of a loved one, my friends and family are devastated by his actions, several of my friends saw him with another man at the bear party and they were shocked to see him there because he always told them that he was DEEP in the closet and he would not even hold my hand when we were in friendly environment and now he is there kissing and cropping a stranger in public. He is a school administrator and should lead by example, I already saw photos of them on Facebook and it is just a matter of time for other people to see it. I called him on Monday 07/19/10 and spoke with him about it, and he accused me of doing that, of being a control freak and that his psychiatrist said that it would be best if we didn’t spoke anymore and that I was a really bad person, and that HE was confused and that if I did not let him date this guy he would hate me for the rest of my life, and I said to him, you are upset with me because I am telling you to go and when I tell you to stay so I can’t win with you…and I said it again to him, remember the last paddle will ways be “he loves me” and we both started to cry and it was the last we spoke…he has not tried to call me, I did call him on Sunday but he did not answered but txt me to tell me that he went away with his family but he did not wanted to talk to be not until the hurt and the sharp edges are still there….and I said that I loved him and that I would be here for him…he did not respond.
I am hurt and torn apart by this again, but at the same time, I feel glad that he is doing because I don’t want to be treated that way…but if you people only knew how I am hurting, the first week I did not eat, or slept well, everyone in my office asked if everything was ok with me, all of my friends are worried but I am telling them that I want to move on with my life, and I DO WANT TO MOVE ON!!!!!
Hi Guys
Just to let u kno I”m going ok, the grief come’s and go’s in waves, some days are good and some really bad, it’s been over 2 months & i kno I’ll never forget her, she truly the love of my life
Wayne
Hi everyone, hope all is good for you! Glad to see you still here Wayne, you are a very strong person!!!
I always write when things are bad and well they are bad again. I let my husband back in the house as he convinced me that he wants to be w/me and work things out…well not even 2 months later…same old shit again! He quit his job, stopped his pills and went home for a visit and now he doesn’t know if he wants to be w/me. i feel like it is up to me to make this all stop for good! I keep letting him do this to me…i am so tired of the pain and the insecurity of this relationship. Every time something negative happens to him he wants to leave me. Can’t he see that he is ill and it has nothing to do with me by now? it is not fair that i am willing to stand by him and all he wants to do is run…
I understand what you are saying and how you feel. No I don’t think they understand they are ill at times. At other times I think maybe they do. It is a hard and painful journey and we pay the biggest price when we love someone that is bp. Should I stay or should I go? It is never a dilema for them, they just leave but it is harder for us because we have attachments and feeling and ties to them they I do not think they are capable of. It hurts to love someone that at times seems to have so little feeling or care for you. We have to ultimately do what is best for us but, that is so much easier said than done. I know. I have said many times this is the last time to only find myself later saying it again. Sometimes I think that those of us that are invovled with bp people need almost as much therapy as they do in order for us to return to normalcy.
Nae
I have been away from home for a week today. Before I left I promised myself that I would take a break from it all for 6 weeks. Today the impulse to call was so strong that I was about ready to act upon the feeling when Jenn’s and your messages came through. You gave me the strength to resist. I suddenly wondered how long it would take for someone to call me. They have my cell number. I wonder why we feel that everything is up to us. Thank you guys. You saved me from my impulses.
nae
I sooooooo agree with you …to be involved with a BP does have you questioning your own state of sanity.
they obviously dont look back when they run, they dont dwell on things like we do, not capable is a good summary , but one does have to wonder how they seem to be so attached one moment , then gone the next.
its a very strange & mysterious love filled with surprises that we dont see coming. and yet if you do make contact with then they just seem to behave like nothing has happened & can almost pick up where they left off ….unconscienable . it must be a strange path to walk as a shadow of yourself with no conscience no moral obligation to the total almost devastation you cause in someone elses life.
its almost like a game of chess & they seem to win everytime . whether you care or not they obviously dont seem to …cheers Nae am with you on all points
1 year down the track from my BP breakoff no contact from him , I tried to make contact after 6 months of nothing only to receive some cryptic comments that came from the bible I think very non committal. this was after 7 years of realtionship with him 8 other women 4 year absence in between and rekindle again …maybe karmic completion awaits us who move on . all my very best to you all xx
I have spent several weeks reading through the posts on this site, at first in an attempt to understand what what was going on in my relationship. I kept a journal through the whole brief thing and looking back on it the same things crop up again and again.
Now I have used these comments to give me the strength to walk away from what is an intoxicating but very destructive love. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and insights. I feel like I have been to hell and back in the space of a few months, constantly second guessing myself, always confused and so weak that I always ran back even though I became something I promised myself I never would be.
This site has truly saved me from doing the same thing again. I have broken off contact, deleted him from my msn and facebook and wiped his number from my phone. This is the only way I can be sure I won’t contact him in a moment of weakness begging for some attention or affection or asking what the fuck is going on. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.
I’m sure there are many people out there who are ‘lurking’ on this forum, not sure what to do or if they are the ones going slowly insane, consumed in this illness. I just wanted to let you know that I would never have had the strength to remove myself from this if it wasn’t for all the heartfelt honesty that is on this page. You’ll never know what a debt we all owe you.
Although a part of me is praying that he gets in touch I know it will be the same cycle again and again. So I hope I have the strength the resist. You are all such beautiful people. I truly hope you find the peace you deserve. x
My bipolar fiance of 4 great years has gone off and married a man (no job, house, car, income, and a crackhead)in a day and a half while visiting her mother on a weekend last january. it took two weekends of being with him and after he assaulted her, she called and said I want to come home. it took two more weekends to get her to stop seeing him and get herself packed up and come home….after she came back, I caught her 3 different times about once a week texting him and telling him that she loves him, etc…..while telling me daily the same thing….Changed her meds and all went back to our normal loving and great relationship. Now, 3 weeks ago, she went to visit her Mom a state away again, and while I noticed that she has been acting strange the three weeks prior to the weekend trip and she told me that she didn’t feel “right”…I did not think much of it (mistake). After day two of the weekend trip, I started noticing a lot of lies being told to me-not typical of her normally. We kind of got into it on the phone. The next day, she told her friends up there that she was coming back early to surprise me…..she never showed up. I get a call on sunday night that she is not coming back and that it is over. She claims that she needs time to think and that I treat her like a kid and that I am way too controlling. With a little help and research, i find out that she stayed at a motel and invited that crackhead to sleep with Saturday night. They spent Sunday together I assume. Wow. I am devasted. A week of no contact and I am in Hell. Then she calls and I tell her that I am sorry if I did her wrong as she puts it, even though I do not think I did, but I tried to love her back home. After I say my thing, she goes off on me for about an hour Saying how wrong and badly i treated her. In the four years we have been together, ALL i ever heard is how wonderful i am to her two boys and we have a daughter together too. I am their Daddy to all of them. They know no one else. we were a GREAT Family and I take good care of everyone. ALL I ever hear is how fabulous I am, that I make her sparkle and how happy we are and that we are to spend our lives together forever and ever. Etc. Etc. etc.
Now, she says I am not giving her time to think and that she is not coming back and she is not “episoding” She says I blame everything on this bipolar BS. says she is sick of hearing that.
by the end of the week, she decides to come back with the kids for the weekend, but is not stayiong. WE HAD A BLAST that weekend. On the last day, she packed up and I mean packed up and left. We signed some papers about child support and wanted more money for the road…Funny, she expects me to support her but doesn’t want to be together.
said needs more time to think. I get child support papers in the mail a day later. I get a letter telling me that she is trying to move into the projects into low cost free housing for single mothers with kids. She gets a job being a taxi cab driver….doesn’t pay even 5 dollars an hour. wants money every couple of days. a few days ago, she told me that she is going to take things slow and she will come back every other weekend and see how things go but we are NOT back together. Odd. Sounds like it to me. next day, her step dad calls to tell me that she is living at the crackheads brothers house where he was staying but the crack head is in jail right now and still is over assaulting her last january and that the money I have been giving her goes to him so they can talk via phone cards. She has been sleeping with 2 other guys that they know of and that when she and the kids came down last weekend and we slept together all weekend that she has been playing me like a fiddle. Yikes. I am hurt, pissed,etc. I call her yesterday to tell her that I know what is really going on and she presses me to explain. I tried not to set her off and be aloof, but she just got in a rage and told me that I should just forget it…she is not coming back period. not coming this weekend as discussed either. I told her it is very over then. her mom called me later and told me that she was hysterical and had to leave her new job that day and what did I say to her to make her like this. I love her with all of my heart, but I did say that there are boundries and she got upset when I talked with her earlier.
Today, she calls me from one of the guys she has been sleeping with…the one I know of…I know this guy too. I thought that he was a friend of mine. She has a phone I gave her so I wonder why she called me from his number? To push my buttons? I didn’t react. She muct have said about ten times today in a 20 minute call that we are NOT getting back together and I simply say that I agree…We are NOT getting back together, but I would like to see our kids. At first she said that she would think about it, and by the end of the phone call, she said she will be here saturday to spend the weekend here and wants to go out and have fun. I said that while I am going to show her the time of her life, and that she will probably leave here thinking “man, I think I made a mistake leaving him”. She laughed and I said BUT< we are not getting back together.
She has no money, is seeing total losers up there, and is out of control.
***NOW~ my question is this….
HOW do I get her to want to come home and stay ???? ***
She admitted a few days ago that she wants me, misses me REAL BAD, loves me with all her heart(after telling me a week ago that she doesn't), and regrets leaving….but, is not coming back….HUH????
IS SHE manic or have I done her wrong as she claims? I bought into it at first, but I think she is hyper – manic right now and hyper-sexual.
HOW LONG DO THESE EPISODES GENERALLY LAST????
WILL SHE COME BACK???? WHAT CAN I DO TO GET HER TO WANT TO COME HOME???/
CONFUSED….Raan
PS I would LOVE all the input that you people have. Sorry about the poor grammar. I am stressed a tad.
Forgot to mention….I was also told yesterday that she sold her food stamp money the day that she got it to buy the crackhead a 100 dollar phone card and that all of the money is already gone. her mom guarantees that the kids will be fed and that she will make sure that the kids are okay, but I need to let my fiance’ go because she doesn’t want to be with me. My fiance’ found out that I told her mom that we were trying to work things out and that we are going to do the lond distance relationship thing and try and start fresh, but when my fiance’ heard this, she was mad because she doesn’t want her Mom nor me to “know her business” Bottom line is: she doesn’t want people to see just how trampy and insensitive she is behaving. that is why I got told yesterday of what she has been dong. her own Family is disgusted by what she is doing. My fiance’ is mad because it has come out that she is looking like she is just using me for money.
I do NOT know what to make of all of this….IS she really manic or tired of our relationship….
Please help, I am so in love with this woman, yet am feeling like she cares so little for me all of a sudden. Makes NO sense.
Can she be so insensitive making me feel such pain? She did text me about 5 days ago saying that she is so sorry for putting me thru all of this. This makes me wonder….is she coming back to reality…cycling back the other way or is it simply guilt…
I know….KNOW that she loves me with all her heart….WHY is she pushing me away and is refusing to try and work things out??? I stood by her thru the thick and thin when this illness came about 2 1/2 years ago…she ws so depressed….tried to commit suicide. I have been there for her when she married the crackhead AND took her back….He even drained the bank account when it happened and spend several thousand dollars. It now has only 48 cents in it.
I am so lost right now, but becoming better each passing day. I want her to come home. I am forced to only one recourse….tell her we are NOI getting back together, but try and get her to come home every week or two and see just what she is missing and love her unconditionaly, but remain sure that it is over….only thing I can do (?)
HELP – advice????
PS I hope that this makes any sense….my mind is reeling.
Don’t people want what they cannot have way more than what they already have? Isn’t that just human nature?
that’s why I am taking the action I am doing now….
any suggestions?
RAAN
the sex is always great with these people because thats all they can relate to. even if you tell her you hate her for what she is doing to you & the kids , she is not capable of working through those issues.
Gee what a mess u r in & the poor kids…look we bipolar spouses can tell u what to do but basically if u love her u will probably keep putting up with this crap !!
I have loved my BP man for 10 years after 8 other women , his lies , attention seeking behaviour , emotional torment , projections, assumptions, abuse , confusion etc etc , we are still separated & he is still telling other women on facebook that they are great whilst he hasnt spoken to me for one year..!!
even if u try tough love u will find they will find a way around that too. think of a chess game that u keep losing , its that simple .
dont try to work out what to do to keep her , work out what u can do to stop being in emotional pain.
they are attention seekers, these type of BP, basically their behaviour will continue regardless of what you do …this has been my experience.
you may find things are different for you , but really the hell you are living we have all had a taste of.
Will she come back ? if you let her
BP’s dont live like you & me they have to have new people who do not know they are sick. When their behaviour becomes nasty as we know it with the new love then they coming running back to you .
sometimes they dont ever come back , all you get is the silent treatment.
My experience was when he ran off with the new love he would tell them that I was his EX. he would say awful things about me to them.
then when they pulled his covers they run from them . Wether they come back to you is a matter of time usually & in your case you do have a common bond by having children.
I think you have handled this very well , honestly
you have played the game well. Thats how BP’s view life like a game anything too serious or any mention of medication send them into a tirade.
so if you can manage to maintain a carefree attitude to her behaviours you will save yourself a lot of pain & you may find she will return faster to you as she sees you dont hold any grudges.
Really its up to you Raan, if you want your life back with her then act like you dont care less!!
even if u feel angry or in pain.
Good luck my friend
we all know what its like
regards from Bitter sweet.
Update….we talked on the hone a little while ago. I asked her to bring the lingerie that I bought her and she asked “why?”. I said, “Do I need to spell it out for you?”
She chuckled and said “Ohhh, okay!” I sensed that she was excited. Meanwhile, in the background i can hear the voice of one of the guys she is sleeping with and he is hearing the whole conversation.
How strange….
CLEARLY, I need to use protection, but I find it interesting that yesterday, all was lost…she was NOT coming back whatsoever, there is no hope of us getting back together and tonight she is excited about this weekend. Regardless, i am making it clear at the end of a planned blissful weekend of her and our kids having the time of our lives that we are NOT getting back together.
I give her two weeks probably and she will be begging to come home. Frustrating that it takes tactics like this to make her want to be with me when all attempts using love, bargaining, apologizing, understanding, offering to go to therapy together, etc. all have failed. Bipolars are weird…NO logic.
IF she decides to come back like in the January incident, then we have a long road of hard work to make this work. I love this woman so much. I love our kids. I don’t want to throw our Family away. We have had the most wonderful relationship over the past four years. I think that she is hypermanic and starting to come back down…at least I HOPE. I will get her to see a doctor as soon as I can IF she wants to start over. I miss her terribly …and the kids. BTW, she is leaving my 2 and 1/2 year old here for a week at the end of the weekend….YAY!!! This means that next weekend she will come back again. I’ll be such a good fun loving man as per usual and hopefully, she might see that throwing this relationship in the trash in one impulsive second may have been a mistake. Sure, I have some issues, but I know what they are since this new breakup, and never knew that they were deal breakers…know what the issues are finally, I will not behave in those ways anymore IF they are really a problem to begin with.
I must stand my ground regardless. BE the ultimate mate…my hope is by doing this as I always do, but even better than ever…she will HAVE to to come home.
Whooo.
I am NOT a manipulator for the record…I am only doing this as everything else seems to push her away…Go figure.
I love her and our kids. I wish that I didn’t have to do things I find repulsive to make this work. No choice or move on….
I hope that this does not backfire. I want my woman back…the one I know and love with all my heart. I want our Family whole again.
Oh, Bittersweet. THANK YOU!!!! By theway, since this mess started a little over three weeks ago, she talks to me almost every day (other than the first week of silence).
I KNOW that she misses me, loves me, regrets leaving, etc…it is SO odd that she refuses to be in a relationship with me though….VERY manic indeed.
You wrote: “they are attention seekers, these type of BP, basically their behaviour will continue regardless of what you do …this has been my experience.”
Actually, we have had a wonderful loving relationship over the past 4 years. Only Two incidents and that was this last january and this August.
I neglected to mention that her mom told me a few weeks ago that her going to the Psychiatrist the day before this thing started made her RUN back home and break things off because she did NOT want to talk about her Dad that died 13 years ago (got shot and killed)….that is a BIG issue with my woman. A core issue.
Any comments? I am looking for a LOT of replies and hopefully SOON!!! Thanks so much!
Hello RAAN
I must say despite the overwhelming love I had for my BP man I could not be put on hold whilst he decided which opportunist choice he would make on any given day.
You have a very open mind about your women , I do believe you have a balanced approach to this illness.
you see a lot of partners of a BP cannot justify the infidelity from their BP.
The main issue I had was that we would be good mates one day, close to each other, very intimate, affectionate, and loving, laughing & having fun, feeling secure within the relationship, to be totally abandoned, rejected, & treated like a stranger, totally ignored, whilst another opportunity came along with someone new, sometimes within days. Ive gotta say that even in war men stand by their mates to the very end, watch their back, guard their mate with their life. You dont get that sort of loyalty with a BP ( not all of them ) but most have loyalty issues.
For me it was the total betrayal that crushed my soul, people say oh well what do you expect he is a sick unmedicated F..k with no logic. it certainly didnt seem like that to me when we were having fun together.
Life with them is all about them not you ‘ not their kids , i would imagine kids are competition to them at best.
RAAN I think you will win this if there is a win ever, but the issues she has deep core issues, are very substantial & probably will never go away. she is lucky to have someone like you that wants to help her with these issues , she is lucky to have someone like you to standby her.
as long as you understand your loyalty will never be reciprocated.
cheers Bittersweet.
Thank you so much bittersweet. Your replies are really appreciated. I wish more people would comment on this I am in the THICK of it in real time so to speak.
She must have called a dozen times today between 2 and 5.
Each conversation was like talking to a different person/mood/projection. Each call was about how NO ONE will lend her any money until she gets paid next week. Not even her Mom. She claims that she only has one friend up there and that really IS funny. She was born there and knows a ton of people. I think she has one by one burned the bridges with everyone she knows.
I thought after listening and being a sounding board for her that she might not take the frustration out on me, but Dang! She said I was mean because I told her that I hope she finds someone to help and all my best to her. She got mad at me and said that she changed her mind again and that she isn’t coming down this weekend and that going out and having fun is just about rubbing her nose in it. I think that the implication here is that she has NO money on her own and I work hard, I have a good job…so I do.
I suppose she turned in her mind what I thought of as a nice fine dining experience as a Family into something manipulative. I did say to her yesterday that we were going to have such a good time that you will probably wonder why you left and she is turning it around into something bad…wanting to go out and do something nice as a Family.
I bought “Stop walking on eggshells” today and read a lot of it already….WOW!!!! She should be on the cover!
I think that she needs to go to the doctors and get her meds looked at. I wish I could do something about it. She doesn’t want to lift a finger for me. I just want to help her come back to reality. She was all over the map today and it started to really worry me. I thought that at one point that she might just have a nervous breakdown and walk into traffic or something. I also think she is out of cigarettes and she is climbing the walls not having any for lack of funds.
Later, on another call…she now says that she is staying longer than she was planning….go figure.
I have been cool and calm about this. I guess that I am not letting it affect me as adversely as it has been lately. I am learning to step out of myself and just watch and listen. It’s a bit sad though….I don’t care as much now that I have taken this stance….self preservation?
I think that she might even show up tomorrow night vs. Saturday afternoon as we had planned and instead of leaving Sunday, she might stay until Monday or Tuesday. Who knows how she will be emotionally tomorrow. I think that she is and aalways have been a good Mother. I do worry about her driving in this state of mind, but I have no choice. She will drive down if I ask her not to anyway.
No win situation….I have learned this. Just love and stand firm. I am finding myself feeling happy a tad. I miss them all. I can’t wait to see her and the kids.
I will update soon.
Hi Raan,
I did respond to you yesterday. But the darn thing just would not post. I tried several times.
First allow me to say that your latest post sounded progressively better the first ones. Well done and I am so glad you got that book. My main message to you yesterday and always was regardless of what happens you do need to educate yourself. Secondly, you have a lot to consider regarding the children. You are in a position right now where your brain is living in two worlds and I urge you to act according. I promise one will not jinx the other. As you or trying and focusing and hoping and wishing that the two of you have a strong and loving future together. You also need to start putting all of your ducks in a row NOW regarding your finances and the children. I realize that you have rights only to one of them but hopefully if you are proactive you will be able to negotiate something so that you can maintain access to the others. You may wind up being the only stable parental influence in their lives. Seek counsel early. You may not need or use any of that but should things spiral and get away from you and that does happen faster than you can even imagine than if you too get overly emotional you don’t have to make decisions from that head space.
I feel your urgency and felt you frantically typing. I’ve been there so many times! We on here all have.
Staying calm is mostly for you as you have already experienced. It’s not in some hope to not set them off. Be kind, be assertive, do not give into manipulations(they are masters). Do not be overly mushy or overtly understanding. Not because your not but oddly it’s usually perceived as being inept, incapable and/or a push over and I’m sure you are not nor is that the perception that you wish to portray.
Concerned tht this won’t post again will continue on a new page
Raan,
you’ve already seen how they can change
on a dime and misinterpret every gesture and word you say. They do not think or process information in the same way we might.
In addition to seeking some sort of counsel early just to gather information, have your friends, family and support system in place too. I had long standing(20 years), smart and loving friends in my life. When my BP came into my life, at one point she was so out of control that she wound up threatening the livelihood of some. Physical and vial things to others including my family members. My friends got so scared that they all chose out of self preservation to exit my life. My BP is now gone from my life but they are too. The lonliness and lack of support has brought me too my knees more than once in this last year. I also have since found out that my Bp was engaging in id fraud and various criminal activities in order to get money. There was also a drug problem there, self medicating I’m sure. An she does have a 5 year old daughter and I too shouted from the rooftops that she at least was an excellent mother. What the children see, sense, live and are effected by is way more insidious than we as adults have the ability to process and absorb. Yes they know they are loved immensely but they also at the least take on the care taker roles and at the worst (you fill in the blanks). Always tell yourself the truth as you come to know it. Do not get into the habit of making excuses for them or their behavior.
Bps can learn to live loving and productive lives. But nit without themselves. They need to be proactive in their own care…dr’s appts, medications, therapy, their own reading and educating themselves etc. Otherwise you are doing all the work and they just get angry and resentful. And their angry and resentful doesn’t show up like ours. Theirs is volcanic.
Hi all,
I haven’t been on here for a while as my husband is not having symptoms these past couple of months and during these times I tend to try and get all the things done that get pushed aside when he is difficult and demanding, (ha, like having a life of my own!)
Sometimes I do reflect back though to try and gather some sense of the situation. I think one of the reasons that he is able to take centre stage when manic and on some level I allow him to do this is because of a feeling of helplessness that occurs in conflicts with him that other relationships in life don’t prepare you for. Before I met him I was never at any time in a room with someone who didn’t respond accurately on some level or other to my part in an interaction if that makes any sense… at least not since very young childhood when a parent ignores your responses and enforces their control. I realise now looking back that when he is manic the only reaction that he is capable of making is an escalation of his anger and frustration. I think that being on the receiving end of that kind of interaction fools you into taking a helpless role psychologically and enables them to take centre stage while your sense of yourself in effect disappears from the scene. I’m still doing research into it when I can. There is an academic debate going on at the moment as to what extent bipolar and other mood disorders is a problem within a person’s moral perspectives – due to the lack of empathy that comes with them. The central issue being the extent to which they should be held responsible. Apparently there is a general feeling that mood disorder patients are considered to be particularly awkward and nuisance patients within psychiatry (not sure to what extent that is true of course) and counsellors and psychologists need in particular with these kind of patients to learn to control and repress a desire to blame them for their symptoms. I personally do feel better when I blame my husband for his symptoms because it enables me to react appropriately rather than cave emotionally and psychologically. Always east to be strong when they aren’t manic though. Hope you are all coping ok. Don’t forget to make time for yourselves whenever you can.
Raan,
on a final note for now, what you described as your plans for this weekend sounded like seduction. Watch your heart. The very nature of
their disorder is to take what they need and then move on and discard. This disorder shows up as being very selfish and self serving whether it’s sex, love, money, emotions and on and on. I heard a great line once. They create situations on the ouside in order to have their environment match their insides. They live a very uncomfortable, excrutiatingly painful existence emotionally and psychologically speaking. Yes it’s hard to watch yes you want to love it away and make it better. But you can’t and definitedly can’t do it alone. They need real help and need to facilitate getting that help for themselves.
Do not focus on how wonderful the last 4 years have been. Those days are not here now and You will live the rest of your life in a constant
state of disappointment.
If you hear me strong now it’s because you Are in the Thick of it and your world is currently in crisis. Underreact as much as possible so you don’t get caught up in any drama. This is not mean this is healthy for all involved. Remember they Do Not process info the same way we do.
You are in our thoughts. Check in often. We have all been there…I’ve lived the cheating, the tirades, the crying, the I need helps, the go the F aways, the depressions, the you don’t understands, the stories of trauma(her father), mines mother died, daughter was molested, ended a long term relationship had a hysterctomy, has ethics claims against her from the state bar(she’s a lawyer soon to lose her license) and on and on. Really I could go on and on. And I bought into so much of that because it all happened in a very short period of time. And I remember thinking geez I’d snap too. But she pulls that stuff out when it’s convenient and I am not her therapist. I have not become cold or bitter I made sure I didn’t but I did become smart real smart and developed a no drama policy especially around the children. If she needs food buy her food. I personally don’t believe ppl should go hungry and could not allow the children to do so. Can you get the children on your insurance? Mitigate their suffering. You see where I’m going.
All the best
Hi Zuki, prior to Raan joining us the other day, I too haven’t posted in a while. When I was reading all that he is currently going through. It all came flooding back. I was glad to see Bittersweet and you came to my mind as well.
Thank you, I had completely forgotten about the demanding that occurs. That actually would show up on more of a daily basis than some of
the other cutting and critical stuff.
I remember you and I both getting to a point where we were just so exhausted all of the time.
So what happened? Did he get medication, therapy or just cycle out for now?
I remember the personal catch up phases and trying to get stuff done a regain a sense of my life again.
Personally I have lost so much as a result of my bp that it took me down and out. I finally entered therapy myself. And have had to start the very long process of starting my life over in my 40s. I was such an organized and conscientious person prior to bp. That I still wake up, shocked and say where did my life, my friends and all of my stuff go?? Their world takes over ours if we let it and I didn’t know better so I guess on some level I let it.
I’m with family now but in another state that I haven’t lived in since I was a child. So in actuality it’s only vaguely familiar. Visiting and living are two totally different things.
Good to see everyone!
I just got off of the phone with her. She is wanting me to send her money to get gas to show up and wants a little extra for the kids to get something to eat. I am VERY leary of what she might do with money that I send. I WAS going to send it when she was ready, but she wants me to send it so she can “surprise me”….hmm. I am not sure, but I will send her 50 bucks and see what she does.
I mentioned today that since nothing is working out up there that perhaps she might consider moving back here and getting her own place and job here since the economy in this town is vastly better. She said that she would think about it and I then told her that I might even consider letting her stay here until she gets on her feet, but that we are not getting back together regardless. She seemed like she liked the idea, but who knows. She sounds lucid today, but seemed tired.
I am hoping that she wants to come tonight, but I think she will probably wait until tomorrow. i don’t trust her, but have to take some risks I suppose or she may not come at all and that is possibly the case too. I know that deep down, she wants to be here, but we all know how BP’s are….
THANKS so much for the comments people. They are so helpful. I am going to remain indifferent around her. NOT try to get her to move back in. Act like I don’t care either way, even though I do. Best action for me and her at this pint i surmise.
Today, she seems really into coming down. Mentioned that she wanted to go 3 hours away to the beach this weekend. I said if that is what she wants, then we will do that. She got excited. She also said NICE restaurants too. I said okay…within reason budget wise.
I hope that she is not just using me. Either way, I want to do her and the kids right and have a good time as a Family. NO expectations is my best course for sanity at this point. I pray that she comes home like she promised and doesn’t just spend the money and not show up…a real possibility. I think that she may even show up tonight right now.
Off to work and to send her a money gram. Thanks people. THIS SITE ROCKS!!!
Question: WHEN SHE BECOMES LESS STRESSED OR CYCLES OUT OF THIS, WILL SHE WANT TO COME HOME IN MOST CASES AND ACT LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG???
IN 4 YEARS, THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME THAT THIS HAPPENED…THE FIRST TOOK TWO MONTHS TO COME BACK….IT’S ANOTHER 5 DAYS BEFORE A MONTH HITS IN THIS CASE….
WE TALKED AN HOUR AGO, AND SHE MENTIONED THAT SHE IS GOING TO FREAK PROBABLY LEAVING SOPHIE HERE FOR A WEEK. SHE HAS NEVER EVER BEEN WITHOUT OUR DAUGHTER.
CAN THIS SET HER OFF INTO ANOTHER MANIC PHASE OR PERHAPS WHACK HER BACK TO WANTING TO COME HOME?
i KNOW….NO ONE CAN TELL, BUT HAS ANYONE ELSE HAD SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN TO THEM AND WHAT TRANSPIRED?
i LOVE THIS WOMAN SO MUCH…I AM HOPING SHE COMES HOME AND THAT I WILL GET HER TO THE DOCTOR AND GET HER MEDS MODIFIED AND/OR CHANGED…
I AM JUST GOING TO BE CALM AND ACT LIKE I DON’T CARE THIS WEEKEND, BUT HAVE A BLAST. GRRRR.
THANKS.
CORRECTION FROM LAST POST….THE FIRST TIME TOOK ONE MONTH AND ~NOT~ TWO TO COME HOME….
Hi Rasn,
is Sophie your daughter? Whether this sends her to further spinning out of control or not is hard to predict as the nature of this disorder is not always being able to pin point what will trigger them or set them off. But the fact of the matter is that if the two of you are no longer going to cohabit you are going to have to work out a co parenting/ custody arrangemnt so she will have to learn some coping skills around this. It may make her feel out if control especially if she’s never had to deal w this regarding her other children and their father. But this is what it looks like and having a mental disorder doesn’t mean that she gets to side step any of this. Sorry but it’s true. All the more reason why it’s time for her to get some professional help and intervention into her life.
Will she come back who knows. With out you even realizing it she comes and goes in her mind often. Her leaving like she does only proves to make her outsides match her insides. Right now with the way things are you can’t decide what’s best for all involved. You can only decide what’s best for you and your kid(s). And support her only in her positive efforts for healing and creating as much balance in her life as possible and commit NOT to support her in any way if the behavior or actions are damaging or destructive. Including but not limited too being verbally abusive, yelling running away and all over staying in dangerous places with or with out the children, being manipulative for money, sex or whatever and on and on.
Hope this helps…
Update: What a disaster today is. This is the first time that I have sent her money and she did not show up. She called me at 10:40 this morning and it came up as “restricted”…doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that she is up to something, and it isn’t good.
She tells me that she woke up this morning and feels “sick or flu coming on…has a sore throat”. She also continues to say that both of our little ones have fevers and that she doesn’t want to make me mad, but doesn’t think that this is going to work out-meaning our wonderful weekend that we planned. I told her that it’s okay, but I am disappointed. She told me that next weekend she will come down if that’s okay. I said alright (no pressure, but I don’t want to be a doormat either). She told me that she will leave Sophie (my Daughter) here NEXT weekend instead. Also, She said that since she doesn’t feel good, that she isn’t going to call much over the next few days and that we probably won’t talk much. I said that she ought to check in with me from time to time to let me know if her and the kids are okay. She said that she would do this, but seemed reluctant by the tone of her voice. Frankly, I was VERY suspicious.
After she hung up, I wanted to ask her another question so I called her back. Not two minutes went by and her phone went straight to voice mail. I find it very hard to believe that she got off her phone and turned it OFF!!! Now, I KNOW something is wrong.
I called her mom 3-4 hours later after trying her and getting nothing but straight to voice mail….Her Mom and Step-Dad said that they are disowning her. He told me that yesterday, the crackhead was calling wanting her to give him money in jail and that she didn’t have it….I was told that they kind of got into it. Her Mom said that she is not sick that she knows of and that I am stupid for sending money to her as she keeps giving it to the crackhead or doesn’t know what she does with it. Last night, she met her Mom at the park when she was supposably packing to drive here. Her Mom said that she was all over the crackheads Brother at the park and was itching for attention. Her sister was also there, and that this guy was giving her sister more attention and it was making her mad.
Her Step -Dad told me that I am so stupid…told me that she is sleeping with about 5 guys right now and that I am a FOOL for even trying to get her down here. He said that this is the way that she always was before she met me and that as long as I was giving her money in our wonderful 4 years….she was okay with “us” and didn’t stray….when I started cutting back on the money recently…she got pissed and left. he said this is the real her….she has always been like this and I just didn’t see it (or, she never acted like this around me)????
I don’t know what to think. I am probably not far off that she either gave the crackhead the money and doesn’t want to tell me that she doesn’t have gas to come down, or is off sleeping with whoever right now.
In fact, I just texted her asking her to call because I want to ask her if I can drive up and get my Daughter for a week as she agreed to, but no reply….So, after waiting a few minutes longer, I call and it rings…but she doesn’t answer.
GRRRRRRRR. I am okay, but a tad hurt and angry. I’m okay though.
*********WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO??? ***********
JUST IGNORE HER? ACT LIKE I CARE LESS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY? STOP TRYING TO GET HER TO COME BACK? WRITE HER OFF?….
WITHOUT LETTING HER KNOW I AM DOING THIS:
FILE PAPERS TO GET TOTAL CUSTODY OF THE ONLY BIOLOGICAL CHILD THAT’S MINE OF THE THREE????
WILL SHE FINALLY COME RUNNING BACK WHEN I HAVE COMPLETELY WRITTEN HER OFF OR WHEN SHE SEE’S THAT I AM SIMPLY GOING TO GET MY DAUGHTER AND I MEAN FULL CUSTODY!
I LOVE THIS WOMAN, BUT THIS IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!!! I KNOW THAT SHE IS HYPER-MANIC RIGHT NOW, BUT SHE ISN’T SNAPPING BACK TO REALITY…PERHAPS THE FACT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME CUSTODY THIS COMING WEEK OF SOPHIE SET HER OFF?? I **KNOW** THAT SHE DEEP DOWN TRULY LOVES ME AND THAT THIS IS NOT HERSELF WHATSOEVER…
Do I just file the paperwork and act like nothing is wrong? Do i give her space to snap out of it?
ANY SUGGESTIONS???? I’M WORN OUT, BUT SURPRISING IN A FAIR MOOD.
Honestly, I want to drive up there and see what’
s really going on, but that’s 3 hours and what good what it do??? Her step-Dad said that THAT’s what I NEED to do….right away.
Probably , it will just push her further away or justify in her mind that it was the right thing to do when she abruptly broke up with me in the first place…
I’m just going to chill, keep my mind on something else, and just leave her be for now….what else can I do???
I am SO worried about her and the kids….makes me ill and sick to my stomach.
Thanks people for your replies. They mean a LOT to me. Keep them coming please. R~
Raan, I feel for you and I am so sorry. Fortunately with my BP one there were no children involved. I don’t really know what to say but I would probably do what I could to get my biological child in my custody and possibly any other children involved to get them out of the situation if you feel their safety is threatened. You are in my prayers.
Raan
DO NOT DRIVE UP THERE …U WILL NOT LIKE WHAT U FIND ?
Remember what I said to u previously …STOP trying to figure out how to get her back & START trying to resolve your emotional pain. help yourself to understand that despite what u believe her ‘ Love for you ‘ she will keep doing what she is doing ..its in her DNA.
the best way is to totally IGNORE HER BEHAVIOUR
STOP talking to the inlaws , they r not living the hell like you are. and START trying to help those kids by offering the stablility of MIND that u obviously have to offer them a home and food on table. Security is what they need. Let her keep doing whats shes doing ..just try to get the kids & u right .
she will use u up to her benefit …MY BP man whilst still in a financial relationship with me ..dropped his new love in a park down the road from our place , came home packed his stuff….argued with me the whole time
& whilst I stood there crying & confused told me it was all my fault he was leaving because I didnt show him enough Love & attention ..Drove off with a fully loaded trailer and picked the new love up from the park & went to live with her for a year. I was so shattered I lost 15 kilos of body weight , lost my property that I owned, almost lost my job , had to claw my way back to reality,
claw back the respect I had lost from my 3 sons & my family only to be contacted by him after the new women punched him in the face & kicked him out.
SHE WILL COME BACK ..but only when its suites her !!
SHE WILL DO THIS TO YOU AGAIN ….but only if you allow her to. I know you love her …that will never change .
But you do have to stay balanced & get your finances in check like ‘Trusturgut ‘ said to you
HOPE THIS HELPS
REGARDS BITTERSWEET
it’s been almost 12 hours since I talked with my Bipolar woman….she has has the phone on most of the day, as I called 3 different times up until 7 pm and each time she didn’t answer. Then, around 9 pm I called and it went straight to voice mail…OBVIOUSLY, she knows I called and I guess it doesn’t seem important to her to let me know how she and the kids are (I KNOW they are not sick), but I wanted to be sure. I care and I love them all.
I am getting to the point that I am done. I am worn out…all the drama…all the lies…the cheating….the indifference…the lack of ANY empathy…the manipulation….etc….has me sick.
I am going to see a lawyer asap. I don’t want tthe kids to suffer, but since the child support I have been sending is NOT court ordered, I wish I could just cut her off of ALL money until this gets worked out legally. From what I’ve read in books and on here…the moment I finally say f**k it, I’m totally done with you and she recognizes this…well, she will probably want to beg to come home – what a awful load of crap this all is.
I have only seen her like this one minth out of 48 great months….I have to keep telling myself that this is NOT done in her right mind…don’t take it personally. It isn’t me that caused this…etc.
My heart is broken and I am hanging in there, but this really hurts. I’m going to make it thru this though. I’m okay. I have to just detach and worry about myself and my little girl. She is only 21/2 and she needs her Daddy. It is so terrible that I can’t do anything legally about the two boys…my sons. This really really sucks eggs.
Thanks folks.
Hey Bittersweet, when you say totally ignore her BEHAVIOR…do you mean ignore her calls and text messages completely…file for full child custody of my daughter (what of the boys-they think of me as their daddy and know no one else as such)….stop giving her money to come down here, etc?
I have not heard from her at all today other than the morning call to tell me that she isn’t coming until NEXT week (so she claims)…I’m pretty certain that she is using the fifty bucks I sent her for gas to come down to have some “fun” and probably sleeping around with whoever…?
I have to admit…I have been coming across as excited to see her in our recent conversations even though I told her that I just wanted to get together and have fun as a Family like we always do…I guess I may have not come across as caring in some respects even though I said that we were not getting back together….she read right thru me, didn’t she.
FOR THE RECORD, I AM **NOT** GOING UP THERE. I KNOW WHAT I WILL FIND AND I WILL NOT LIKE IT I AM SURE.
I DO want to ask her if it would be okay if i could drive up and get my Daughter for the week as she promised, but I’ll probably be denied.
So, just ignore her?
I think that the money I am sending (child support weekly) isn’t even being used for the kids….?
I found out today that a friend of hers met her at the store two nights ago and and bought her and our kids food, because she had nothing…SAD…sickens me.
I feel powerless.
EVERYONE (what few people I do know that I can talk about this with) says to file for full custody of Sophie and move on. everyone except my Uncle who has a bipolar wife. he says don’t send money and give her space…she will fall flat on her face and then you can get her home and get her to the doctors immediately. his wife is manic too right now.
Must be in the air.
Bittersweet…can you please elaborate on your last reply? I would really appreciate it.
I am reading stop walking on eggshells cover to cover right now….wishing the phone would ring so I could here that she is okay, but deep down…I know she isn’t likely to call.
I’m doing pretty good at the moment. I am going to be okay. It’s hard each second to second, but I just keep my spirits high, and hope more replies come in. They are wonderful. I can’t that you enough bittersweet and don’t know what I would do without all of your peoples replies right now.
I’ll check back in a little while.
Bittersweet wrote: “SHE WILL COME BACK ..but only when its suites her !!
SHE WILL DO THIS TO YOU AGAIN ….but only if you allow her to..”
HOW IN THE WORLD WOULD I “ALLOW” HER TO DO THIS TO ME AGAIN???
-or-
HOW DO YOU PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN???
YOU REALLY THINK SHE WILL COME BACK, EH? HMM.
When she falls flat on her face? broke? beaten up by some idiot? depressed?
How long does something like this generally last since she has only done this once before and it took about a month….WELL, it’s been a month and she isn’t back.
Can this go on for another month or longer? She is BROKE and the town she is at is a GHETTO. it is a DIRTPIT. there is NO MONEY THERE. I’ve been there many times with her. I’ve never met any single guys up there that had their poop together….not ONE.
I do.
actually, we talked about her moving here and finding a job in my town…richest city in South Carolina. get her own place here….I even mentioned that she could stay here until she gets her own place. I got the idea she liked the idea…
I know, I know….she’s bipolar and manic bigtime now..
I think I am second guessing myself…time to take a break.
Hello Raan
I am not trying to upset you ..perhaps my frankness comes from years of pain & diappointment & from exactly what you are going through. I am an australian & I can tell you that no matter where in the world we come from the illness & answers are still the same.
it is a bitter pill ..I have been there .
I understand that you are angry at what I said , and perhaps in hindsight I could have been more subtle.
I know consciously you would not want to keep doing this
& accepting this behaviour
I know its very hard for you & the kids.
please understand am not trying to offend you or suggest
anything other than what would be in your best interests
kind regards Bittersweet
Nah, Bittersweet…I am not angry. I AM looking for some clarification as to what you said in the previous reply…perhaps you would be so kind and elaborate what you meant.I am perhaps reading into this some cold hard facts….(is this what you are implying?)~
Are you saying that I should just forget about her and move on?
Are you suggesting that i just ignore her completely and seek full custody of my sophie because terri is going to just keep doing this to me again and again were I to take her back and forgive her?
are you suggesting that even with new meds or adjusting them that this is bound to happen again and again?
i DO understand the illness pretty well at this point. I know that it probably will happen again. I know I love this woman and our kids like I have never loved anyone else in my life. I know I am not her doctor nor psychiatrist. I know that this is pretty unacceptable behavior…normally.
Is there any likely chance that by ignoring her completely…and doing what i need to to get custody of my daughter that she will start to feel abandoned by me finally and likely come running back so I can get her to the doctor and get her straight? Therapy included?
I love her very much. Establishing boundaries, getting her medical care and therapy, forgive her, and be supportive – isn’t this a win-win???
other than january and August, she is a wonderfully caring and loving lady to me. I DO get what I want out of our relationship normally. This is SO unlike her.
I know I will do what I will do regardless of the helpful insights on here and whatnot….but I value what you folks are telling me too.
Is she a lost cause?
BTW, Bittersweet…did you take him back after the woman hit him in the face and he returned?
How many times did he go off and have affairs over how many years?
did he always come back on his own or did you chase him?
Was it finally YOU that gave up, or did he stop coming back to you in the end?
Thanks. you are the best!
Hello Raan
Yes I did take him back after many women … yes i do still madly love the man & would go so far as to say he probably is the love of my life .
yes I did chase him sometimes out of the pain of losing him….and he did come back several times of his own accord, & I let him, with the full knowledge that he could slip away again.
I dont think you can forget some one you love like this & for some reason the person u see on the other side of the illness gives u hope to keep going. The soft natured gentleman with impeccable manners was who he really was.
I would never suggest seeking full custody to anybody, I do believe that both parents despite their shortcomings are entitled to share children, if the children are not in danger. perhaps as the children grow if u do separate down the track the children can decide how they want it.
I dont see that happening for you …I do believe she will come back to you. despite what happens you are the father of her children & no other dickhead will ever replace you, she will see how hard it gets on her own, with the kids.
I was merely trying to save u the pain & anguish that am sure u must be feeling. the betrayal is huge by any standards & other people will tell you to let go if you can . I did not ever find it that simple & I didnt have kids with my BP…in fact he hated kids , he was jealous of my kids.
I eventually did let go it took every ounce of my being to do so & I counted the days. Then after 4 years of no contact he contacted me again & asked if he could give it another go . I gave it another go after 4 years, within months of him moving in & getting a new job , he was gone again. So you see I did not have the strength to stop loving him all that time & I didnt meet anyone else.
I think had I had met someone new I would not be in the situation I am now ( single again ) but here I am & he lives less than 5 klm from me now, but we still have no contact..he has ‘single ‘ on his facebook page & he is dating new women again which is what he does.
I dont see this situation for you ..I believe she will come back to you & she will settle again
perhaps if you were to accept early on in this whole crappy mess that she may take off again then it may not be so painful when she does, & somehow u may be able to stop her before she does. from my personal experience they dont like being told to get help ..suggestions are a better way to go , if you try to pressure her into therapy chances are she will take off again.
they rarely do accept meds , & in my situation the only time he took them was when he was god dammed depressed he had to save himself.
he did suffer badly from depression to the point of crying almost every morbing before he went to work.
he also suffered from visions of grandeur whereby he wates 100′s of 1000′s of dollars in business ventures that never got off the ground.
I still say we cant help who we love & no human being is a lost cause.
kind regards from Bittersweet.
Great response Bittersweet. I am pretty certain that you are probably very close to the mark on what will happen in regards to her.
I am not going to get into it with her when she calls me other than mention that I wonder if she gave that crackhead the money I sent when she was talking on the OTHER phone with him on friday night…or did she go out and have fun with a new MAN perhaps, or was she actually sick in bed….
AND THAT I REALLY DON’T CARE OR **WANT** TO KNOW.
I will tell her that I wish her the best and tell her goodbye.
I will ask for my week with Sophie and can I come get her. If I get a no….I’ll let it go. if I get a yes….I will go get her and make it short and sweet.
then I am going to take a break from her and not say so. I am going to ignore her calls. Put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. I’ll listen to her msgs, read the txts, but not respond unless it sounds like a real emergency.
I cannot trust her in this state of mind. I don’t want to be around her in this state of mind.
This is going to be hard and I hope i am strong enough to do this. I want to talk to her. I want to see her. I want to give her all of my love.
I am going to let her go and see if she comes back on her own. NO expectations…but hope.
Thanks.
BTW Bittersweet, the DAY before this whole event started, she had to go to her first psychiatrist appointment. I was nudging her to go and open up too. She didn’t want to go either, but did anyway. The next day, she left.
Is this possibly what set her off?
Hi Raan,
you will be searching for answers for along time to come. I know this. During and after my bp coming back into my life I ate up websites trying to make sense of things. Trying to find relief it’s normal my friend. While you are in the process of doing that and you need to for you psyche I again urge you seek counsel. Find out your rights regarding Sophie and what if anything you can do for the boys. Do not keep her abreast of this. She may further disappear on you. For right now try to separate your desires for your relationship now and for the future from your actions and concerns for the well being for the children. The fact that she had to have a friend meet her in order to get food for the kids Speaks Volumes! Is Sophie potty trained yet? If not how does she have money for diapers if she doesn’t have money for food.
She’s been calling the shots through all of this. She’s coming to town nope she’s changed her mind and on and on.
I responded to you again this morning but yet again it must have been too much for my phone so this will have to be in pieces
Raan,
I much like Bittersweet went through physical, emotional and financial hell as a direct result of my time with my bp. I dropped 45lbs in 3 months, sleeping became a joke etc. All the while I kept saying but she and her daughter need me, need my help, I love them, I love her with all my heart. My friends and family just don’t understand they are not here. They don’t see her cry see her pain. But they did see me breaking down from stress. And than when she went into a rage and threatened them they chose to back away from me in order to protect themselves.
You keep asking the question should you ignore her. You may get different opinions here. But I am of the belief that you need to keep as close tabs on her as possible for now becuz of the children. Not necessarily calling her but certainly answering her calls so that you can gauge where her head is at and try to gleen what’s going on.
To that end get a journal started. Tracking what has happened up until now. Not your feelings or interpretations but just the facts. This is for a twofold reason. So that YOU can see it in black and white and possibly to gather info if you need for an attny. Custody is Not about terminating her parental rights but about establishing the best environment for the kid(s).
I am going to see a Family lawyer on wednesday i think. My concern here is that when I file papers for custody of Sophie (only one I can get), IS SHE GOING TO FREAK OUT AND IS THIS GOING TO DAMAGE ANY HOPE OF HER COMING BACK?
I believe that the kids are probably okay. i DO NOT believe that is good for them to be where they are at though. I think that presently, she is UNFIT> I don’t want to do this, but it’s probably for the best of the welfare of the kids. i cannot do ANYTHING for the two boys as we did not get married. Awful. truly awful.
I want full custody of my Daughter until she is back on track. I will answer the phone I suppose, but I am not going to try and get her back. That’s on her.
I will simply send her the papers and see what happens. I am SCARED.
Raan,
I know you are scared you should be! But maybe not for the reason that you are currently focused on. We as lay persons are not supposed to naturally know what to do when it comes to mental illness, custody and the law. That’s why you need to have consults and get as fully informed as possible before you take any action. But don’t drag your feet! There’s way more than meets the eye going on. I can feel it in my bones. But I hope I’m wrong.
Is there any interaction from the boys biological father’s side of the family? Could there be any assistance or intervention help from them?
Your best bet is to learn as much as you can. Stay as healthy physically as you can. And if any action you wind up taking regarding you and your child drives her away for now. Than hopefully one day should she ever get as balanced as she can be via meds and therapy she will realize that from your sense of sanity you did what was right and you are not acting ‘against her!
And don’t forget about social services either. There is an arsenal of ppl trained to help in these situations. You can call them or the police to do ‘wellness checks’ if they hear that children are involved they should not hesitate.
Hi Raan,
Welcome to the group! I have the same problem but with my son. This group has helped me see myself a bit better. I was just like everyone here… trying to help and fix him. I believed I was needed and did everything I could to make life comfortable for him.
This group helped me to see how much I was giving of myself and getting nothing back in return. It was an eye-opener for me, I can tell you.
When I stopped giving in to the demands things started to change. But I know things will never really be as I want them to be. He is my son so I have to accept that. I can tell you honestly, if he were not my son I would be long gone.
But life is strange. We have to experience everything for ourselves. It is no good for anyone to tell us what to do. We have to see it to believe it, so to speak.
We can listen to the others’ experiences but we can’t seem to learn unless we go through the experiences ourselves.
It is good to know we are not alone though. This type of behavior is endemic in our society and we, I am sorry to say, are enablers.
It is time for society to wake up and see the behavior for what it is.. truly bad behavior. It should not be excused in the name of ‘illness’. But it will take a long time to undo the societal damage, because both parties get something out of such relationships. I can honestly say I love helping my son. It took a long time to see how destructive that was for him as well as me.
Take care and good luck.
These letters you folks have been writing are really helping a lot. I just got off of the phone with a long time friend of my BP mate and she told me some stuff that reinforces what some of you have been saying.
I still have not heard from Terri. it’s been a day and a half since she told me that she and the two little one have fevers. ANY normal person would have called to give me an update. I am wondering why after looking at the verizon bill to see if she is using the phone that I gave her why she is calling someone at 5 something this morning but doesn’t call me….odd.
SO, I am going to cut off all contact, but listen to any msgs and read the text msgs to make sure there are no emergencies….I am going to cut off any more money as I am enabling her.
I am pretty certain with no more money coming in, she is going to freak. I will make certain that the kids are okay from time to time by asking her mom if all is well, but i am taking an emaotional vacation from my Bipolar mate.
I will look into legal aid/get a consult, etc.
I PRAY that this is a good move. Thanks for the letters…keep them coming please!
trusturgut, you wrote:
“There’s way more than meets the eye going on. I can feel it in my bones. But I hope I’m wrong.”
What do you mean by this? What possibilities are you foreseeing?
Thank you for all of your input btw….
Hello Raan
trusturgut says ‘ there’s more than meets the eye ‘
what trusturgut may be saying to you is dont believe what you are being told by her. they play games
remember the chess game that u keep losing ‘
they lie to you , not because they want to but because they can , they are very rebellious, so in some ways suggesting the opposite can work , cause they usually do the opposite to what you suggest anyway..as u yourself have discovered , when u tell her not to drive down & she shows up.
Trusturgut knows like all of us who have been through these experiences that they move the goal posts & perhaps what your partner is telling u is not the full extent of what is really happening
an example of this was when my BP moved into a share house with strangers, he told me that he needed his space & wanted to work on his new venture. then there was no contact for a month & didnt answer my calls, also ignored my text asking if he was ok. i thought he must have been depressed & wanted to be left alone. so i complied with his initial requests…turns out he was sleeping with his house mate , they were living the life of riley” going out dancing & drinking etc & it wasnt until I finally contacted his cell phone using a private
number & his new screw answered his phone that i realised I had been duped.
In other words Silence means they are up to NO GOOD, not always but most of the time.
hope this helps ..regards from bittersweet
Thanks bittersweet. i agree. Silence means up to no good.
it’s funny. I have NOT called or texted her at all today…NOW, she’s calling me repeatedly….I am not answering .
I am not giving her any more money.
I wonder what she is going to do now…is my phone going to blow up over the next few days??? Is she going to leave threatening msgs? Is she going to freak? yep.
I dislike doing this.Thanks people.
Btw…I’m doing great personally. I feel that I have a handle on all of this somewhat. feels good
Audre,
good to see you! Im hoping that my comment about bp being a mental illness was not taken out if context. Although it is classified as such in the DSM IV. I am no longer the soft love sick enabler that I once was. Lol. I have known, in my lifetime a few ppl who struggled with bipolar disorder not just the one that I was directly involved with and I totally agree with you. It is never an excuse for mean, abusive, manipulative or bad behavior! And they need to learn to take responsibility and become proactive for there lives and self care just like any one of us. They don’t get to say ‘you just don’t understand, I hate you, I hate life’ and just quit. And expect everyone else to take it and clean up there messes time and again.
Bittersweet, you are correct i was referring to the likelihood that Raan’s lady is not being upfront about her circumstances and activities.
Raan,
regarding the above, I was vague on purpose because I would never want to make false accusations. But if she is so hard up for money, living in the ghetto, communicating and associating with crackheads(your words), making calls in the wee hours of the morning i don’t think it’s a far leap to assume that whatever she’s doing it’s either full bore or skirting too close to the edge of legal. Again one more reason you don’t want the children mixed up with that mess.
You also mentioned that you had an enlightening conversation with a long time friend of hers. In addition to her own parents claiming that she’s been like this or done stuff like this in her past. Take heed to all of this information allow yourself to connect the dots.
Also just a thought. Is it possible that there is a connection between you feeling a bit ‘stronger’ because she is current been ‘blowing up’ your phone as a result of you taking a step back. If so, make a mental note of that for yourself because if she stops contact again you may hit the emotional skids again. It’s an unconscious, insidious cat and mouse game. That we sometimes fall into with out even realizing it. That rollercoaster can wear a person out.
Is Terri leaving msgs? If so, what is the general theme or content?
Be well…T
Good to see you too! I’ve been thinking about you.
Yes I know BP is classified as a mental illness. My point was we, and they, use the classification as an excuse for bad behavior.
I am not one to care about what anyone (not just my son) says or does to me anyway so I was especially bad in not correcting him when he was in his anger moods. If people want to be angry, so be it was always my response.
Now I think that my attitude is wrong, plain and simple. Everyone, including BPs, should be called on bad and rude behavior. So, I made a change, a big change.
I have been on holiday for the past five weeks… one more to go. Before I left he asked me not to go. In the past I would have been so flattered by the request that I would have canceled my plans willingly.
This time I didn’t even answer and when the time came for departure, I left. I haven’t even called since I left. I keep in contact with a family member who tells me he is alright and even said that he told her he is changing his mind (in a positive way) about me. One time that would have pleased me but now I take everything with a grain of salt.
The more I research this ‘illness’ the more I believe the approach to it is all wrong. The amount of time we spend on it is affecting all our lives and we have lives too, believe it or not. Even that is a control tactic. Keep us in a spin so that we can think of nothing else but them, as they go on their merry way, without giving a single thought to us. It is a one-sided affair.
Sorry about the rant! You guys can never be thanked enough for opening my eyes.
Raan,
if she does begin to leave threatening msgs document everything! If she threatens that you will never see you children again(your daughter), save it! If somehow she escalates to threats of a different nature report it Raan.
These are probably top of the list of mistakes that I personally made. I was too quick to disregard and dismiss and blame all of that dangerous behavior on her bipolar disorder. Everything from physical threats to threats on my life and the life of my family and friends to multiple threats of suicide by her. I never took action because I thought I could handle it, because I didn’t want her daughter to wind up in the hands of the authorities, because I ‘knew it was just because she was in so much emotional pain’, because I didn’t ever want her to hate me! And I’m sure I rationalized a great deal more. I have since found out that she had a long history of this type of behavior and has done it to others since as well. I dropped the ball several times. And I am paying the price on every level.
I lived in a chronic state of fear and concern and hope. She would become truly remorseful after the fact. I believed it i bought into it time and again. And than one day I noticed that I began to shut down also. It wasn’t that I no longer cared but I became physically and emotionally drained. I remember one day she came home from dropping her daughter off at school laid on the couch started to crying, saying that she was just so sad didn’t feel like she was good for her daughter and that she was having severe chest pains. I looked at her and said well you have two choices. Take an aspirin or you need to go to the hospital if you truly feel like you are having a heart attack. I had never reacted like that to one of her episodes regardless of what kind they were(sad, volcanic rage, demanding etc). I knew I was changing and that I was burned out.
Thanks for the insights trusturgut,
I do NOT think that she is doing crack whatsoever. She is VERY against hard drugs.
her one msg of the calls that she has made yesterday said that her phone died while she was sick and that she has it charged now if I want to call and check up on here. She said that she feels like she is going to throw up and the kids are really cranky. Funny thing is, she rarely uses this phone anymore and all I ever hear is how it dies and that she has to charge it. I KNOW this phone of hers I bought her. It has a double battery and usually lasts for several days when she is using it all the time. It is on restricted use since this last months manic episode because last january, she ran the bill up to about $500+ dollars in two months on her end and I didn’t want that happeneing again. This time, it can only call me and her mom and two of her decent friends. I am tired of the “the phone died” excuses.
I have not heard from her today.
Another friend of hers called last night at 1 in the morning and she gave me some sound advice regarding what to say to her after ignoring her calls for this week. I think her advice is good as it goes along with what I am planning on telling her when I finally do take her calls but her suggestions deal with HOW and what to say to her so I do not trigger her worse, and do not put me into a threatening perception with her.
I will not let myself get emotionally charged nor drawn into drama. My self preservation mode is in good form. At least I’m going to do my best. I have lost a lot of weight this last month but lately I am eating and sleeping regularly as well.
My plan; ignore her this week….when I finally do talk, explain that I am done with the lies and games….let her know that we have nothing else to talk about at this time/that I am done with this….mention that I think my Daughter will be better off living here and that I want primary custody….and let her know that I have talked to my lawyer officially (and I am doing this before this conversation) and that he told me until court orders it, there will be NO more money (he advised me of this last time)….I am also going to let her know that I will not be filing until the following week as I don’t have the money until then.
I’ll see what happens at that point and go from there.
Dear Raan,
Whether she is using or not she is currently attracted to and/or communicating with a drug addict. And it goes with out saying that that world leads to no good whether they go looking for trouble or not it finds them. Please just keep that in mind.
I think it is more than wise to speak with your attorney before you communicate with her again.
In your experience does she respond well or defensively to such direct communication(i.e, sending no more $ or you think your daughter is better off living with you)? Or is she more likely to get mother lion on you and say no one is taking my baby from me ever, and disappear? Don’t forget that your rational thinking does not match her thinking pattens or the way they process information. Also before you have that conversation with her try to get a temperature reading of her current state of mind in that moment. Chat much like you would with a friend…hey howya doin? How are the children? How’s your apartment? Etc keeping it light before you launch right in. You may not be able to avoid not triggering her because they can be so unpredictable. But asking her if she’s happy and well etc may be at least a caring approach to a delicate situation. I mean if I’ve followed things correctly you haven’t seen your daughter or the boys in a month! I’m sure you’re missing them but They are missing and in need of your presence in their lives more!
Trusturgut,
Thanks for the suggestions…very good ideas. I will ease into the conversation as you suggested before I tell her what I am planning.
about two weeks ago, Terri and the kids came back down for the whole weekend and we had such a wonderful time. terri and I were intimate the whole weekend and it seemed a lot like it usually was (is). She packer up a carload of stuff and left nonetheless.
This was another of those weekends supposably, but the morning (saturday) that she was supposed to be on her way, she told me that we are going to have to do it this coming weekend as her and the two little ones were sick with a fever…..right. Maybe they are, maybe not?
She called last night after a day and a half of not hearing from her. I didn’t answer it, but she left a msg. called a few times later. I did not answer.
She has not called today whatsoever. odd. She usually does almost every day.
I wonder if she IS really sick or out having affairs.
hello Raan
in my experience with my BP man , as soon as u
drop your guard they do the opposite to what u genuinely believe , they cannot be trusted.
its easy to want to think the best of them & I compliment u on your integrity.
Regards bittersweet
Bittersweet,
you wrote: as soon as u
drop your guard they do the opposite to what u genuinely believe , they cannot be trusted.
its easy to want to think the best of them & I compliment u on your integrity.
What are you saying in regards to my situation?
is she out perhaps having an affair because she has not called? Does this apply towards the money i sent and her not coming?
When she tells me that she loves me does she just say this to get me to support her?
I still have not heard from her today and I usually call her if she does not call me. I have NOT called…is she really sick in bed perhaps?
Tomorrow, child support payment is due….will she be bugging me tomorrow and acting sweet? probably.
I am going to continue to ignore her for now.
please elaborate. Your insights have been very helpful.
I am curious…is it possible that she is just plain and simple done with our relationship and that she IS in her right mind all along, or has her behavior I’ve been describing very manic or indicative of typical bipolars?
Were I to take her back, is this how it is going to be from here on or is this just an isolated incident like it was in january???
Can meds keep her straight were I to take her back?
Hello Raan
all i can tell you are my experiences over 10 years
i cant tell you if things will change even though you did say the relationship was steady for 4 years.
I dont know how old you are but Bipolar does deteriorate with age. we are in our 40′s am assuming you are in your 30′s.
remember I told you to stop trying to figure out how to get her back & start trying to find a way to deal with your pain, so youcan be strong. Its not easy I know when u r in pain & I would go so far as to say that sometimes when going through what u r going through with the infidelity …I felt very irrational , angry & even wondered myself if I had mental illness.
I guess for you the thing that will make everything better is if she would just come home …well maybe u could just calmly suggest to her ” that maybe she should just come home ”
she will get very tired of doing the kids on her own , so maybe just say along with the ‘come home ‘ that u can give her a break from the kids’
she may just take your advice.!
regards from bittersweet
terri called me today blowing up my phone…reluctantly, and against what I was telling myself, I finally decided to answer and was SOOO sweet to her. I took the soft and easy going approach….told her that they were hiring down here, told her that she has ALWAYS told me every single day how wonderful I am to her, how I am her shining star, told her to remember how many times DAILY that she loved me so very much over and over, reminded her that she always told EVERYONE that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her and that I am the best, such a great Father to the kids and to her always….
Then, I calmly asked her “maybe she ought to just come home if it’s so hard up there and I can help with the kids”…Gently asked about trying to salvage “us” for the good of US and our children….She gave a big letdown sigh and her mood went from good to nasty real quick. Asked her if she loves me and quickly, she came back with “I will always and forever love you with all my heart”. Hmmm.
I mentioned that child support was paid as I sent her money last friday for gas to come down (since she didn’t show because she was “sick?”) and she got REAL crappy with me and told me that I was an A$$ and hung up on me.
She called back and I asked if there was ANY way that we could work this out whatsoever??? She refused.
perhaps I was a little too eager to say this stuff…told myself I would wait…..damn.
I then said, well, if that’s it and you are NOT willing, then we have nothing to talk about in regards to us…she got quiet.
I then told her that today, I went to a lawyers office for a consult…SHE WENT BALLISTIC!!! I told her that i wanted info because medicaid is going to make us go to court anyway and I wanted advise. She went off about how I said I was NOT going to do this (??) and that she is a good Mother and how DARE I try to take her Daughter away from her! She screamed that she is going toget a lawyer and play hardball if I am going to play dirty with her! I calmly explained that I was merely seeking leagal advise as Court is coming regardless and this was NOT my intention to take her child from her but that I did think that Sophie would be better offr with me as primary custodial parent after she calmed down a bit….she got real upset and said that she will call me back.
I learned from her mom later that she was going to see that crackhead in jail and that he is going away for at least a year and a half and this was the last time she was going to see him….
GO FIGURE…he assaults her, spends our bank account to zero last January, treats her like crap, used her….etc….and here I am “Mr.Wonderful” and she won’t give me time of day.
I am going to continue to leave her alone.
her friend talked to her tonight, and called me afterward to let me know that terri told her that she is NEVER coming back to me….said to her friend that I did her SO WRONG (????)…..WHEN did I do that?
Anyway, her friend said that she COULD change her mind in the future, but I would not bank on it.
her mom called later and we talked for a lil while…she seemed to think that after some time apart, that maybe terri will want to get back together. She said that terri and the kids are moving into this dinky trailer with her mom(TIGHT quarters….will get real old real quick)again.
her mom said give her some time. her mom seemed to think that a while apart would do us good.
I could go on and on, but you get the gist I think.
I also found out that Terri ahs NOT been sleeping around. in fact, her mom SAID (?) that she hasn’t been with anyone else and that her stepdad has just been ranting and talking trash? WHO knows.
I am going to pursue legal consultations, get ready for court IF it happens….try to get Sophie for some visitation and Give my BP woman some much needed space to think.
I hope that the kids being at Grandma’s means that they are going to be taken care of, and I think that they will.
Time for ME to take an emotional vacation as well…
What do you think folks???
I appreciate any and all replies. thanks everyone!
PS Did I blow it today or not??? I think i did okay considering the circumstances.
terri has NOT called me back as she promised 4 hours ago….I’ll try not to dwell on things.
hello Raan
u did the best that anyone can do considering…confrontation is never easy for a BP as they are used to winning.
U did good my friend
she seems to forget that u r the father of sophie, she should be told that u have your childs interest at heart, not the crackheads.!!
Now take each day with conviction from here on that u have tried your best , have told her that u love her & thats all u have to do . the rest is up to her ?
she will come back to you raan , but try not to dwell on what she may be doing , as long as the kids are ok is your only concern.
she will get over her anger & rage , but u have to act now like u dont ‘ careless ‘ who she is seeing…from this point just remain indifferent.
I know u love her very much , but try to go out & improve your social life a bit ..that will improve your head from thinking about.
Regards Bittersweet
i think you did fine. ive done what you have done befor. and every time we broke up no matter what was said or what happpend, eventualy he always came back to me and relized he had made a mistake. i dont know all your sercumstances, but if its like mine, she’l come back to you eventualy, just make sure you know what you want in life by then. think threw the good and bad and see if its worth it. im still with mine. and happy , hopfully you can fined what makes you happy too.
it’s 4:30 am…can’t sleep. I have to go to a legal consultation at 11 am…sheesh! I am worn out…calm but feeling a little hopeless. scared too.
Bittersweet, THANK YOU!!! Do you really think that she will come home eventually? I hope so, as she is the love of my life. My kids – I miss them all so badly.
I’m lonely. sad….
the crackhead at least is gone out of the picture and out of state at that for at least a year with good behavior…that ought to help (?)
her moving in with mer mom MAY help in the longrun as well.
I don’t want to take her to court…I just want things to run as smooth as possible….
I cannot believe that she thinks I am some monster that did her so wrong! It’s unfathomable.
I am going to lay down for a bit…try to not think about this crap.
I am going to have a tough time with leaving her alone. i like to talkto her, but she does NOT want to talk to me I guess. I hate Bipolar disorders…they are awful. I don’t wish this illness on ANYONE.
it’s been a month…why is she still manic???
Raan,
You did fine. You spoke your truth. That’s all any of us can do in any given moment. You weren’t abusive or threatening.
I was concerned about her mother lion coming out. Even w/out having bp that can happen when faced with the notion that they may be considered to be ‘a bad mother’ or might have their children taken from them. And I believe that that’s probably what she was referring to when she was talking to her friend and insinuated how awful you were in her life. It’s been my experience that they don’t have the ability to compartmentalize well. Bipolar is about all or nothing thinking just by it’s very nature. It’s not I’m mad at you or I didn’t like what you just did or said…it’s I HATE U and YOUVE RUINED MY LIFE! or alternatively it’s not that I love you or like you or what you just did or said but I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU-AND I CANT BREATH WITHOUT YOU! Everything is experienced in the extremes.
I’m glad u are speakin with a lawyer today.
And I know the 4:30 am head reeling times. I hate bipolar too it’s wreaked havoc on my life.
Make a list of specific things to discuss e attny. So tht you can have something to refer to should you get emotional and lose your train of thought.
All the best, T
terri called a few minutes ago. She is talking in extremes and seems very manic and not like herself. the problem at the moment is that she does NOT want to give me 50/50 custody as we agreed to verbally and in writing. She says that I can have her for a week and claims that sophie isn’t ready to spend a month don here because it is too much for sophie to deal with. i explained that taking her away from her home and abruptly ending a good relationship last month is what is too much on our daughter…terri said that after a few months up there that she might consider letting me have her for a month. I told terri that this is a problem. I want my daughter here. I want all of the kids here. she isn’t working with me. Today, all I heard is how evil and “bad” I am as a person. She’s straight nuts today.
Without someone adjusting her meds, will she stay in this manic phase for who knows how long???
I know were she to come back to reality, she would realize that she loves me and that she is wrecking her and our lives, but how can this happen if she is a couple hundred miles away and won’t listen to reason?
Can she just snap back to reality on her own? I am skeptical because meds are needed to be changed or adjusted and that isn’t likely to happen up there with no one there understanding the illness as I do or even believing me when I tell the people i do know there that she is sick. what little support she has there, they all seem to think she’s just fine.
I feel so powerless right now.
She said she is getting a lawyer too today (with zero money?) with her bosses help (surrrre) and that she’s not “stupid”.
terri told me that whatever happens that we are not getting back together, so let it go.
WHY do bipolar spouses push their partners away????
WHY don’t BP’s remember how loving and good we are to them?
I despise this illness. Is there anything else I can do at this point???
Thanks once again Bittersweet and trusturgut. i don’t think I could manage this without you and anyone else that has commented. Thanks.
Hi Raad
Iv been watching this from a distance. My bipolar woman left me back in february. She would always run away and come back. In the past she would just disappear for no apparent reason and after a few weeks return remorsful and full of tears promising she would never doit again. Told me I was her everything and she needed nothing more in life then me.. and then she started acting weird again agitated saying things like we come from two diffrent worlds etc.. I asked her if she was going away again and she said no.. She lied.. She was looking for a way out but the reason for her leaving had to be placed on me. It seems they will not leave or like to leave unless the blame for it can be put on the person they are leaving. does that make sence? Well I played the cat and mouse game with her for less then two weeks. She would manuver around and try to line up a situation where I would fall into her trap. Each time I avoided it.. The last time came in february of last yr when I got run down tired of try to out fox the never tireing fox that was her. I basically gave up the fight. Visited her during a snow storm and she freaked out on me said you Never go to someones house un announced! I did not fight it.. Told her I was leaving and I only came to help shovel the snow.. told her I loved her and she stood on her tippy toes and kissed me twice. On my way home she texted me what I knew was comming..The we cannot see eachother anymore text. Well the reason I am writing this is because of what your girl said about not getting back with you ever.. Bipolar tell lots of stories make up lots of situations to entrap you. But the one thing she did tell me that was the truth was that she was not coming back this time. And she has not come back ever again.. from 50 phone calls and text a day to nothing. The last time I had spoken to her was about our kids..hers and mine.. She spoke like a perfect stranger to me in a voice I had never heard before..very flat and a matter of factly.. I did not know her anymore.. When your woman told you that i believe she meant it. I sometimes wish I was also bipolar so I would not feel the pain of rejection I feel.. I met a new woman and things were great for awhile until kids got involved. There is no garentee in any relationship bipolar or not.. the one thing that is real and is true is the hurt.. it has never left me. its been seven months and my heart has not healed. I think I saw her a few weeks ago while out with a date. I was talking to my date near the docks where the boats come in and I noticed a frantic movments coming from a car that stopped near me.. This person was turning to look at me then turning away and then back again from just a few feet away It did not dawn on me at first who or what was happening but as my eyes focused in on the person it hit me this may have been her with longer hair and glasses on. then our eyes locked onto eachother and she turn frantically and nailed the gas taking off real fast… I think and I feel like I witnessed a rare bipolar freak out.. Something Iv never seen before because she was always run away when she got bad? Does anyone see this in there bipolar mate? Raad if you chase her she will run more.. as far as you being able to get your kids.. It will cost big money with out promise of you getting them. the best you will most likely do is put a milage thing on her where she cannot move further then say 15 or 20 miles away. maybe try for that? courts hate men..
Hi trust, wayne, zuki, bittersweet audre, and someone i haven’t met- Raan, hope you are all well. i havent been on in a while but have read most of the posts. and i see bp is still trying its hardest to drag people down!!! Again, keep your boundaries intact and if you dont know how to then get the book learning how to say NO!! if they want drama and cause one dont let them know it is one!!! they love it and thrive on it, always keep your cool no matter what. dont get dragged into name calling and walk your talk, always do what you say you will. be consistent in whatever you do. and dont put up with their crap – if you do you will do yourself no favours or them! Fortunately for me and my sanity i havent seen the BP for about 8 months although i have heard from him asking me to see him – well NO!!!! no no no. however tried every tactic he could think of, trying to make me feel sorry for him etc. so i thought about myself for once, do i like being treated like a peice of crap- erm NO, do i like being called names and being called evil and a witch, and being told that i wont ever meet any one as good as him, omg what a joke!!!! i am so angry with myself for putting up with his total shit for 4 years, and letting him make me believe i was worth nothing more than being with him running up his backside when things fell apart, and when i nearly fell apart he was nowhere to be seen. being pushed around and deceived into doing things i really didnt want to for my own good. being constantly cheated on and made to beleive i had no mind of my own, getting into debt because of him and dabbling in allsorts of things you shouldnt. being ignored for weeks and even months on end and then told your a star, oh i ws a star alright for putting up with his emotional abuse and sheer torture, and funnily enough your freinds will never see how bad things were because you hide it from them because you wouldnt like to admit that you put up with that sort of crap in the first place. and thats if you have any friends left that they havent been obnoxious to!! The lies, the betrayals and the gaslighting, we doubt our own reality and believe the rubbish they spin us and its all due to low self esteem, well i am so pleased to have got mine back and i hope he is ok but am glad not to hear from him!! I am done with being the rescuer, persecuter, victim….. and am quite certain that i will never ever be in a position like that again, the day he told me he was doing drugs i should of marched him out the door but i said we would work it out together, therefore enabling the situation, omg if only i knew then what i know now, he’d of been straight out the door. The prozac you take because you ended up a dithering wreck and dont have a clue who or what you are anymore, the being scared out of your wits when they turn nasty and rage at you, being confused when they are manic and doing daft stuff, being sprayed with bleach and pinched and kicked in the name of a joke and them not knowing their own strength and it conveniently being an accident. and a whole lot more!!!!! the threats of suicide, the suspicion, the never being able to ring a friend as they think you’ll talk about them and accuse you of allsorts. omg i had enough a long long time ago. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, until you have dealt with your own issues you sure as hell cant deal with theirs, no point in cleaning out someone elses backyard before your own!!! and the one good thing to come out of it all is that i am a better person through all this, remember the poem i posted a while back about people in your life for a reason, a season etc, oh how true that is. i am happier now than i ever have been, still working through my issues but i know i am nearly there and have come back from that dark place i was in last year and so desperate to come out of, but didnt think i would ever drag myself out of it, the despair i thought would never go away, just the cleaning up of it all to do now, the getting out of debt, the drinking has been cut down, the other habits you get to deal with anxiety, they re slowly disappearing, and i now see the light and life is a whole lot better thank god. what a long road its been though. and its all down to BOUNDARIES, but i always said that, dont ever let anyone push you around. all my love M xxxxx take care
I am sorry I forgot to say hello to everyone. I wont say all the names but you who remember me are the ones I mean.. I love all you guys.. I have not seen any post from panda in a long time.. The man is a knolagable saint
Hi robert, i also forgot to say hi to you. yes you are so right, they make us out to be the blame when they want to go off and see other people or whatever they are doing, mine once caused a row over nothing so he could go to a party, and there i was stuck in the middle of nowhere, wondering what i was gona do miles from home. yes you hear nothing and then all of a sudden its like you say the 50 phone calls and texts etc, i am so glad i have another number now. yes panda hasnt been on in a while, very knowledgeable indeed and a lot of help to us all, we’ve all learnt a lot about ourselves i guess. M xx
thanks for all insights people. Robert/lost and found….terri has told me that she is not coming back in january and sure enough…DID. I’ve only seen her like this then and this last month. she is acting just like she did in her first manic episode in January. Honestly, deep down…i think that eventually, she will try and come back. even about 10 days or so ago, she said we were going to start over and take it slow only to change her mind a few days later after i found out some bad behaviors she was doing and called her on it (seeing another man), which as of yesterday…I found out from her mom that I was misinformed and perhaps I ruined our chances of getting back together???
Even as of yesterday, terri told me that she loves me and that she always will.
I think i need to give her space, let her come back down to reality, and let the cards fall where they may. She has NO money where she is at, no good place to live (8 people in a 2 bedroom trailer with 4 of them being under 6 years old)..that’s GOT to get old.
I spoiled the heck out of her for 4 solid years of much happiness. Allowing her to miss me and what I provide for her may bring her back. Who knows. Like I said, she did this only once before and DID come home after a month. It’s been a month this time though, and she seems like it is not going to happen. maybe, maybe not. Women DO change their minds at any given moment.
At the lawyers consultation today, things looked bleak afterward. I am going to try and get terri to keep our written agreement of 50/50 custody so that we can keep this out of court. Going to court will likely end up in the same result, except that it will cost a lot of money on us both- me especially.
I will talk to terri later and see if she will agree. I hope so.
Michelle if you can find and please post the poem of season reason thingy? thank you… Im so happy for you
xxxxoooo
I wish that your girl comes back to you and she gets the right meds and never leaves you again… As summer turns to fall and less sun light I am starting to get depression again.. I hope I do not search out my lost missing bipolar girl.. She warned me once never to doit
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant
Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Thank you Michelle. Your a doll
Welcome back one and all, thanks Lost and Found for reminding me of Pandas name. As Ive been watching all of your names pop up I was remembering all your stories and rants and tears. Some of us have gotten stronger but we are all still licking our wounds on some level or another.
In the last few weeks I have noticed a rage come up in me regarding my bp that has taken me back at times. I want to contact her and let her know just what she has done to my life and the life if my loved ones(inspite of the fact that many no longer speak to me). But as I am reminded…she wouldn’t care and/or would turn it around on me and/or would just simply deny everything. I have heard that she has continued to manipulate, fall in and out of love, hurt, threaten to destroy and burn through ppl’s lives. I know this because a number came up on my cell phone from back home recently that I didn’t recognize. I have one contact assoc w her for just this reason so I called to see if it was related to her. Thank God it wasn’t but than I got the brief run down and found myself exhausted after the conversation just about her not even with her directly. And realized once again that I was really damaged by my time spent with her and am blessed by her absence.
Raan,
you sound a bit defeated after mtg with the attny. I’m sorry but this does Not mean quit! You are a parent and Sophie will not be 2 forever.
I was not strong enough or proactive enough during my time with my bp or during my divorce which was happening simultaneously. I was too focused on the emotional aspects of things. They both weren’t. Who ever makes the first move first gets the advantage. I am NOT a game player and have always been an advocate of communication first and than the best actions necessary from there. I blew it time and again. Because I had my head up my emotional kumbayah ass lol! If you look back over what some of us have written to you there has been a few predictions that have already come to pass. We are not hard asses, bitter or psychic. We’ve lived it all to one degree or another.
The other day Zuki reminded me of the demading(ness) of them. I forgot. It’s easier to forget the day to day crap when you are removed from it. We begin to remember things like a trailer of a movie or cliff notes from a book. That’s why I keep telling you to journal and document everything.
It’s not that we are glutens for punishment but the body and mind doesn’t like to hold onto painful things. Just like Lost and Found said that he’s having a strong urge to reconnect. He’s been through two heavy break ups in less than a year. So have I. Hurt and lonliness says love at all costs. Healthy and rational thinking says we really do deserve to be loved better and not to settle.
Listen I’m all for if the bp loved ones in our lives want and actively seek help standing by them.
But until that happens. Just know that you need to protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially. Don’t ever say…’but they would never…’ because that has been proven wrong by ALL of us over and over.
My thoughts are with you, T
hello lost & trust & zuki , michelle & everyone
Lost & Found , I feel your pain my friend , I didnt have children to my BP. Mine ceased contact with me last feb too. and the last I spoke to him he had that voice with no feeling as well. I was so distressed at the time I was crying asking what was going on, how I had taken him back this time at his request etc.. and there was just total silence.
I ended hanging up the phone so overwhelmed with grief AGAIN aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhh
but have come good now and like michelle reiterates to those of us still struggling with this situation.
Once they set us free it truly is an opportunity to move on from what I would see as first degree torture.
I come from school of hard knocks, but previous experiences pale into insignificance compared to the cruelty of a BP partner.
Raan ..roberts advice is good, dont chase her too much
or she will keep you in the safe place they invent
that then allows them to treat everyone new they meet as a potential candidate for sex & fun ! they do it so well.
it is entirely up to you & only you know where you are placed with her on a personal level , also some would say I think Panda said if they are still communicating with you ..then u r in with half a chance.
One of the personal self esteem boosts that I have noticed is you do feel better as time goes along without them in your life. Sure there is pain but is does eventually subside. Just fill in the gaps, keep busy , & meet non BP friends to go with. one of the things I say to myself when I forget how time consuming & depressing he was is to say to myself ..Is this what you want for the rest of your life ??? I never get YES as an answer?
The Questions you have asked will she just snap out of it ? NO & if she does you will not recognise it immediately. I know you love your BP wife very much & I know u just want her to come back to u …the only experienced advice I can give you is to read michelles email about boundaries. U said u always give, give, give
believe me we all did, but where id it get us ??
try to find a way to mend your pain & get strong cause BP’s dont like weak , they like strong.
hope this helps Kind regards Bittersweet.
Incredible. She caved in and agreed to giving me sophie 50/50 today – reluctantly, but finally agreed.
She sounds worn and by what she told me, she is almost completely out of options. While telling me that she doesn’t want to come back, she is thinking about it…just isn’t ready yet and told me to not push. She also maintains that she isn’t interested in getting back together…but I hear mixed signals by the way that she was phrasing things.. Or, I maybe deep down I just want to believe that although that isn’t what’s important right now.
after seeing the lawyer today she called…I mentioned that i would love to avoid court if she would just keep her end of the agreement, then I will as well. Fought with me a bit…I never reacted. When i stayed calm with her pushing my buttons/playing tag, you’re it/cat and mouse….whatever it is that BP’s do….she got mad because I wouldn’t get upset. I didn’t react and I disagreed when she told me how I made her miserable over the past four years. I asked her to show me a picture in our thousands of pictures of her and I looking unhappy. In fact, she is beaming in every picture. She got quiet. I reminded her about every day over the past 4 years, all I heard was how happy she was, how wonderful I am, how in love with me…etc….she got quiet and changed the subject. After explaining that I will proceed with court unless she honors the agreement we have, she with a sigh gave in fully.
She told me that right now she was mad at me.
I didn’t let her win today. as long as I don’t react, stay calm and continue to maintain reality,she is starting to give up….she caved in – actually agreed with me for once…nice.
Overall by the sound of her voice, inflection, etc…She seems miserable…truly. she sounds exhausted and perhaps as stressed as I have been last month.
I am pleased that as long as we go in this direction, things are moving in the right direction. I can have sophie whenever I want. I will set up a time soon to go up and get my daughter. I am going to start off with a week, then go to every other month for now.
regarding terri, I’m leaving her be now…let her miss me. allow her to get over whatever it is that she’s mad about in her mind regarding me. Give her space. The timing is right.
Thanks everyone. Your comments helped me to come to these conclusions. This site is a life saver.
I miss the love of my life and the kids. But, I get stronger and stronger with each passing day. I have a good feeling that having sophie here soon will really help. I’m excited.
I am so sleepy….
my oldest son (6 1/2) called me tonight on terri’s cell phone to tell me that he wanted to come home. The middle one got on a fter the oldest and I talked and the middle one kept saying dada HOME!!! terri walked in and told me that the oldest called me on his own and she heard what they told me. In our short and sweet conversation, she mentioned that she is going to surprise me and sooner than I think. She said she doesn’t want me to bug her about it, but it looks like she is deciding to come home.
interesting…the January incident took 28 days, and this second time took 29 days. i see a cycle pattern here. I am just going to leave her be and as I said earlier today, let her have space.
I believe in my gut he will be back in less than two weeks. I am NOT holding my breath, but I guess it was inevitable. She is BROKE and cannot stay up there any longer anyway.
I hope that this all goes well. The kids need some stability and I hope not too much damage has been done.
This website is and has been my salvation. I am eternally grateful to everyone on here.You know who you people are.
Thanks to all, and I will update my situation.
that poem added today is wonderful -thanks.
Raan,
I’m so glad that you have a sense that you were able to make some headway yesterday. You are a vital part of your childrens lives. Don’t ever lose sight or discount that.
The paperwork/agreement you have was it read by the attny? And is it notarized? If not, at the very least get that done. It’s not a court order but at least it’s something. Keep your cool and keep your head on straight. I remember quite a while ago, when things were so bad and at a feverish pitch, saying that maybe the meds are lost on them it’s us, the care takers and ones that love them and live with them that probably need it most.
Bittersweet thank you for the reminder of how time consuming our lives with them can be. I remember once being on the phone with a friend. Who’s known me since we were children and her saying, do you ever get to just chill out in the couch and watch stupid mind numbing tv anymore? Those two have you constantly running like you are their servant or something.’ I was embarrassed. But it was true. So true that I later found out that she was telling ppl that I was only at the house to help out and she was paying me $100 a wk! WHAT?! I was infuriated, again extremely embarrassed and disgusted! They lie for no good reason, but furthermore how they manage to take every good deed and gester out of love and twist it is truly an art form. And lastly, I felt highly insulted. Even if there was a modicum of truth to that statement if she ever did pay someone to do all that I did for them it would be waaayyy more than a measely $100/wk! It’s these little things as well as the big ones that were going on behind the scenes that really chap my ass sometimes. I remember, I had been gone for months already at that point when I found that out and I hit the roof! Are you Friggen Kidding Me! Who says that?!?
I think I was so distraught by everything that has gone on this last year between my divorce and than my time and my relationship with my bp an the destruction and systematic disasembling of my life that ensued from that that I am just now reaching and tapping into the anger phase of this all. I excused her every tirade and tantrum on her illness. Someone said to me she needs you to blame everything on her illness so she can keep her game going and keep you busy and therefore perpetually distracted and never has to take responsibility for anything. But I do all that I do because I want to, because it’s kind, because it’s who I am, because they Do need help and on and on… I lost me inside of them for a long time. But because of her I lost everything and everyone that I loved and meant a great deal to me completely. It’s a lot of grief. And I was/ am a very smart, dependable and respected individual. But because I didn’t know what I know now it all happened.
Lost and Found I feel your lonliness, your confusion and your longing. It’s the weak spot. The crack in your already shaky foundation. It sucks. I know your moments are about her. But do you have any legal recourse regarding the children? They need you and you need them. Your absence will create an unnecessary hole in their soul.
The best to all, Trusturgut
trust
gee what a crappy existence with your BP ..the phone thing was always a problem for me too trust. talking on it was forbidden & inexcusable behaviour. he would walk out & get in his car & drive off without saying a word to me . !! my business meant negotiating regularly on the phone , this was such a drama for him he would virtually leave & not contact me again for months because i had talked on the phone.:) other times he would have this huge episode about who I was talking to , & try to interrogate me as to what I was saying to these people about him ?? huh ! another time he had been left an abusive message by a client from his work , he decided to let my 2 sons & myself listen to it one time
the message was from a discruntled client about a building issue, we thought it was funny & so did he we replayed the message to have a laugh a few times & then we were seen to be mocking him somehow ..& he went into a tirade which kept being compounded for 6 months. he kept bringing it up how we were mocking him & then one day when him & I were going for a sunday drive , he started yelling at me & driving really fast while he got more & more angry, it was so bad the stuff he was saying I couldnt escape it he built it up & up way out of proportion to the point that I felt like jumping out of the car to get away from it. when we arrived at our sunday picnic I felt so ill from the crooked energy I couldnt eat. he then chose to storm off from me & left me wondering around looking for him for 4 hours . i went back to the car several times but he was nowhere to be seen . he did this quite often , just disappear if we were shopping , I would go back to the car after wondering around looking for him for hours , & the car would be gone. when I rang him he wouldnt answer , i would have to cab it home.
the crooked energy used to affect my health, I would have no energy at all it was like a vampire drained all the oxygen out of my blood supply & I would feel sick in stomach & giddy . the hot australian sun is unforgiving when u r giddy , he would not offer to help me , how dare I be more sick than him , I was not allowed the attention.
we went to a restaurant with my family one night & he did the same again , when we walked in , he wondered off from our group & could not be seated at the table due to his absense , so we continued to order our food , everyone a the table kept asking me where he had gone to
so I got up & went looking , he had just totally left without saying goodbye , about an hour later he text me & said he was in a bar with his own friends having drinks & that we were finished. I was so confused I asked where he was & he tols me he had met someone else & never to contact him again , this was 1 week after he had asked me to marry him …:) and stupid me said YES
Trust there were too many times he would be yelling at me that I assumed he was up to NO Good always saying that I PRESUMMED bad things about him , he would go ballistic…’ well excuse me ‘ by that stage we were up to women no 7 & he had broken off with me like 200 times..!! once he started yelling it was so embarrassing , I even had my neighbours question if
” everything was OK ” ?? with that enquiring look & I would just say oh yes ,,he does stand up comedy & was practising his lines !! of coarse there was no way to explain the driveoffs out of the driveway at 100 miles an hour with the breaks screaching ..and the car going sideways down the road LOL
cheers Bittersweet
trusturgut, hang in there…you sound a lot like me as a person. Things will get better.
I have stomach problems today, so i am going to keep this short.
Bittersweet,
omg! I can’t thank you enough for your walk down brutal and butcher lane. Been there been there been there! I’m forcing myself to go out tonight. So I’m going to keep this short. How many restaurants, craft fairs and festivals have I been too where I turn around and she’s Gone! Only to find out that she was off texting or chatting up someone else while I’m with her. Couldn’t say anything about it though because than a blow up would ensue. And the mantra became keep the peace at all costs. Man, it was exhausting it was humiliating and when I look back at who I had become. It was this voiceless, humorless stressed out, jittery mess.
Going out to support my sister tonight. We are very close and very bonded. She’s just much younger than I am. So I feel a bit awkward around her friends(late 20 somethings) and I’m early 40 something. But they are bright and saavy and very funny for their age thank God!
Off I go…
Another new snag potentially. her friend called me today to let me know that last night, terri went out to the recetrack at her Bosses recommendation to find a “man”. her friend told me that terri is looking for a place to live up there and is pretty much out of luck. her friend told me that IF she shows up, be VERY careful as her friend thinks that as soon as the crackhead gets out of jail that terri may just leave again.
last night, terri was texting me at odd hours. I was distant and after a few msgs, I said goodnight. I got a reply WAIT! The phone rings. terri gets on to say that she CAN in fact give me Sophie for a month at a time and not have her daycare get all riled up. Hmmm. The night before, it sounded like she was thinking about coming home – I asked about what she was implying by the you are going to be surprised and it’s going to be sooner than you think several times the night before and she said never mind. I asked again…what were you meaning. She said that she didn’t want to spoil the surprise. A few minutes later, she said that she might even be at my doorstep right now…I checked. We both laughed about it and I told her that is wasn’t funny. She said that she didn’t have enough money to drive down even if she wanted to, but I told her that PERHAPS, IF she had the car packed and ready to come down, I MIGHT be able to help with gas. I got the impression that she was playing with me. I told her I was going to go to bed and got off.
Today, I have heard nothing from her. I am wondering if she may be driving down here or is she off with a new love interest. I try not to let any of this bother me nor think about it, but I feel sick to my stomach all day. I’m working on it. I keep telling myself to just let her do her own thing and ignore her, so I am doing my best.
Her friend said to me today that she is going to get to the bottom of things and let me know what she finds out. Nice of her.
In the meantime, I have to get my head straight, get back to working regularly again and get enough money together so I can get my Daughter and have her for a while.
this is so hard. I feel like I have PTSD.
I continue to have faith, hope, and work on my self.
Whew.
Raan
considering the first degree torture u r going through. I think going to work & trying not to let the mysteryousness of it all overwhelm you . they are indeed very strange in their behaviours I think I read somewhere on this site a well written statement from a female BP partner..she said
u have a very good hold on things
‘she thoguht his quirky behaviour was unique until she realised it was part of the mania from BPD ‘ that caused it. there are distinct character traits that you may find your partner does . perhaps if u can distinguish them it may make things easier for you because then u can see the times in her mind when she is all puffed up like a lizard on show !! If that makes sense to you..?
from my personal experience ‘ If you get caught up in the ride ‘ so to speak…she will take u for one !!
kind regards from bittersweet
thanks Bittersweet. I am holding my own as best I can. I really thought that she might just show up tonight, but now…I am not so certain. I am trying to not think about it and hope another man is not in the picture.
Any new suggestions?
Oh! BTW, her friend told me earlier that her phone has been off all day…it’s friday…could be that she is out with a new interest or maybe she is packing to come home???
I think that she is probably up to no good. it’s the weekend. She asked her friend yesterday if she could stay with her after the night before telling me about this “surprise” that is coming sooner than later. her friend said no.
I wonder what she is up to….something feels “wrong” to me right now. I am NOT going to call her though.
hello Raan
from my experiences & I did not have kids with my BP.
but u did say she was staying with her mum …how long that will last is anybodies guess ..especially if the kids are cramped in with her mum
its possible she will try to take advantage of this situation and get her mum to look after them so she can have a break from the kids ..she has had them for how long now on her own ? u do have to think about this & speaking from my personal experience as a mum, the going does get tuff on your own with kids to after 24/7. she will ultimately get very tired of not having u to help her with the kids… this is the single most fact I can tell u will bring her back home to u . she will come back raan u just have to play the game my friend .
I know its very hard to think about what they could get up to….believe me have done my fair share of what u are going through right now , and its extremely difficult not to think the worst !
but just keep reminding her of the same things ‘ u can help her with the kids ‘ look after for her ‘ make it easier on her because u love her ‘ just keep saying the same things to her . try not to think about what she MAY be doing & try mot to ring her …wait for her to ring u or text u ( if u can )
cheers Good Luck From Bittersweet
Play the game, eh?
That last letter you wrote me Bittersweet…speaks volumes. I think I get it…
Perhaps not completely…I could use a little more insights as I think you understand this better than I do.
I wonder how long this insanity is going to last. She ought to be cycling down.
Say: I could/or miss help you out with the kids.
I enjoyed giving you a break from the kids.
I miss/or like going out to dinner as a Family.
We all seemed to love it so much.
remain indifferent as a whole? Skip the I love you’s miss you, etc. stuff? ???
Act like I don’t care nor partake in ANY drama nor allow myself to get riled by anything she does, correct?
keep mentioning the stuff above every so often
keep my distance – let her call me…
keep my boundaries.
ignore her behaviors so to speak?
This is probably the best bet for me as well. It keeps me sane(r).
I hope she snaps back out of this soon. it’s been 4-5 weeks now. I’m starting to wonder if she ever will want to come back, and I know it’s pointless to wonder. Deep down, I cannot imagine her ever wanting to leave, and thinking this is not productive either.
Even though she’s BP, I love her so dearly. She’s usually wonderful, loving, kind, and a good spouse.
I miss her and the kids something fierce.
Raan,
bittersweet is probably right on the mark. One thing that we all have in common is that we all had been through a great deal before we found this site. I urge you to try and mitigate the effects of all that’s happening in your life right now before things get too far out of hand. They could get much worse before they begin to get better. If they get better. Bittersweet is probably correct when she says that Terri will burn out and get tired having to care for the children solely on her own. And I can almost guarantee that Terri’s friend is correct that when the crackhead is out if jail that she will run back to him. It won’t last with him but she will play it out to it’s end. Were you giving her money while she was with him? If so and that stops he will undoubtedly replace her and find a new ‘meal’ ticket and she will too or again come running back to you again. None of this is real love Raan and all of this is manipulation and illness. Don’t make this a life sentence for yourself. I know YOU love her. We’ve all been there but they don’t feel things the same way we do. The words may sound the same and the actions may sometimes even look the same in a moment. But their brains are wired to get…and it becomes all about instant gratification. I’m sorry if that sounds sad or harsh. It’s not that they are unloveable or unworthy human beings some can be great and you will rarely hear me say shut them out. But you have got to learn a new way of managing your life and dealings with them
Raan,
I know these are hard and confusing times for you. And you are really doing great. But you have got to go full bore into learning a whole new way of dealing with her so that you don’t get tangled up in her web. She may not even realize what she is doing because all that she says and does makes perfect sense to her.
Have you thought about if you did achieve your goal of having her return to you and your home how you might feel if ever you see her on the phone and you don’t know who she communicating with or if she goes to just visit her mother. Is she going to come back or who else is she going to see when she’s up there etc. Right now you are solely focused on her current absence and ultimate return. I know it can be consuming.
At the beginning of last year I was told to leave my bp’s home. I was crushed and went through all the normal emotions of a breakup. All the while I was than being blamed for leaving and hurting her daughter. At the time I bought into that whole mess. It was shortly after that I found this site because I thought it was I that was going nuts. Just about the time that I was beginning to accept that there was no going back she began working on me to return. She loved me, she needed me, she would put her daughter on the phone telling me she loved me and when was I coming home. My heart was melting and aching literally. So we agreed that I would go back. Things were great when I first got back. But than it turned to shit fast and even worse than before. And I was gone again. Everytime I would go back and return another piece of my life would be taken away. This last time it was my car. Long story.
Keep your communications with her short and focused have a topic and stay on it no matter what. You may begin to sound robotic but this technique is as much if not more for you than even her. Their minds can derail you quickly and without you even realizing it.
All the best, T
hey trust ..Raan
am sorry raan if my comments seemed harsh ….’ play the game ‘ is a phrase I used to remove myself from the emotional torment of constantly being screwed over. its like a form of detachment that allows you to take a step back & see the drama unfold from a different perspective , its like using a sense of indifference to save yourself from the awful reality of the circumstances. there is no rule book & because BP’s make the rules up as they go along hence my reason for the comments. I suppose really ‘game without rules would be more of an appropriate description. when someone you love & have shared good times with suddenly becomes intimate with a complete stranger or an Ol friend they met at a drink fridge in a takeaway shop you do have to question your own sanity for continuing in the relationship .
KIDS are of coarse a different story , and makes the journey so much more painful, and shameful, as your version of ‘ parent ‘ can be a lot different to theirs. As trusturgut says u do have to save yourself first to be able to cleanup her act with the kids. perhaps a councellor or support group if u have time to give u an unemotional perspective
we all speak here from the personal hell we have endured through loving the poor souls , because at the end of the day these people are seriously ill .. and a liability at best!
every time I allowed my partner to come back , after his new encounter turned to shit which in some cases took up to 1 year…. we would just slot back into the ‘relationship again & nothing was ever mentioned about the affair he had, in some cases the new women would be ringing him & crying on the phone , begging for answers whilst I was sitting with him & he would just hang up on her with such calliousness it was frightening . I myself even felt sorry for some of the women that he had swept off their feet in some delusional paradigm only to be dumped without mercy within weeks of getting to know them.
If this gives you any hope at all …your partner will do the same to her prospective other …they have a dump or be dumped mentality & like trusturgut said it is the quick or the dead mentality yourself should adopt to save yourself the pain. if you can remain IN CONTROL at all times as much as is emotionally possible then you will come out better & stronger .
One of the behaviour traits I noticed very early on in my relationship with my partner was …His phone behaviour ‘ he would phone me on my cell ph & talk to me in romantic tones, then after hanging up from me he would immediately ring his new or other women & talk to her , then when he had charmed the pants off her , he would ring another women. the reason I knew he was doing this was because I finally checked his ph bills, whereby I found 1000′s of text messages sent to these women, along with endless lists of calls made to the matching text message ph numbers.
so in other words the loving things he was telling me in text messages …things like ” u r my one & only ” also ‘the stars are in your beautiful eyes’ he was obviously sending to all the others . when I first met him he used to answer his phone then immediately walk away & be having these secret conversations out of earshot from me .. I had no idea.. BUT when I actually figured out what was going on ..like you I became very defensive ..I certainly didnt roll over like a dog to be kicked in the gutz again & again . my biggest mistake was QUESTIONING his behaviour because with a BP that is a sin & with him it sent him into tirades of screaming at me that I was evil & a monster ..witch ‘ you name it ..for Questioning his infidelity …He used to scream ‘You dont own me ‘ I can sleep with whoever I want to ”
& comments like ITS not up to u what I do its my life , I can do what I want..!!! ughh !! this was of coarse after me helping him through severe crying sessions , cooking for him, massaging him for hours, giving him MY UTMOST then when he had soaked all of the love out of me , MY REWARD was he would leave my place & go straight into the arms of another women to get the same treatment from her.
regards from Bittersweet
OH MY GAWD!!! bittersweet, you poor thing. I empathize with you. I feel for you. And, i thought **I** had it rough. I suppose we all do with BP’s.
I have had a good day starting out, but this evening has been rough. I have not heard from terri in two days. I was going bonkers.
So….against my better judgment, I called her Mom and asked how the kids were. She told me some stuff that made me feel a lot better. From what her mom said, it sounds like terri is on the verge of coming home. She hasn’t been seeing anyone else (or so her Mom who brought this up says, and terri and her Mom have talked about her coming home recently in fact. her Mom told me that she is trying to prove something to herself that she can make it on her own and this is important to terri right now. We both agreed that she could, but is doing a lousy job doing so (not quite these words, but basically). her Mom wants her to come home and has voiced this. the kids are asking to come home. her Mom even noticed that terri can’t go a day or two without calling me because she misses me quite a bit.
her Mom said, just give her some space and time and she thinks if I’ll have her still, she will be back. Her mom said that she has NO idea as to how long this will take as terri is determined to still get her own place up there….(unlikely, but possibly?)
I am hanging in there and leaving her alone still….hard to do, but I am doing it.
her Mom did also say that she wants her place to herself and isn’t into terri and the kids moving in. She said that she is going to sit terri down and try to reason with her gently and see what she can do (she offered).
I guess I will just sit back and see what happens
hang in there Bittersweet. You are truly a good person and very insightful.
SHE CALLED AND WE SPOKE FOR AN HOUR – TERRI SPRAINED HER FOOT TODAY. WE SPOKE ALL CALM AND CONNECTED LIKE IT USED TO BE TONIGHT. I OFFERED TO DRIVE UP AND GET HER TOMORROW. I OFFERED TO LET HER STAY HERE WHILE SHE RECUPERATES AND IT’S UP TO HER IF SHE WANTS TO STAY OR LEAVE AFTERWARD.
WHILE I THINK SHE IS AND HAS BEEN MANIC ALL ALONG, DURING THE CONVERSATION SHE TOLD ME THAT I AM A WONDERFUL MAN, LOVES ME, ETC…BUT CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS UNHAPPY WITH THE RELATIONSHIP , IT’S ALL MY FAULT, I WAS CONTROLLING ABUSIVE VERBALLY, AND WOULDN’T LET HER HAVE ANY SAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP EVER-SHE ALSO SAID THAT SHE TOLD ME THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND I WOULD NEVER LISTEN.AND… IT HAS **NOTHING** TO DO WITH HER BEING BIPOLAR!!!
MM-HMMM. FUNNY, ALL I EVER HEARD FROM HER CONSTANTLY WAS THAT I ALWAYS MADE HER SO HAPPY AND THAT I MADE HER SMILE AND SPARKLE, THAT I WAS SO GREAT TO HER AND THE KIDS, I AM SUCH A GOOD MAN, THAT THIS WAS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP THAT SHE EVER HAD, ETC…GO FIGURE.
SHE IS SOUNDING LIKE HER OLD SELF TONIGHT, BUT THIS AFTERNOON WHEN SHE CALLED, SHE SOUNDED OUT ON CLOUD NINE. SHE IS ON PAIN PILLS RIGHT NOW…MAYBE THAT IS WHY SHE SEEMS SO RELAXED.
THERE IS NO WAY WHATSOEVER SHE CAN STAY UP THERE NOW…SHE CANNOT WORK, TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, ETC…WHATSOEVER. NO WAY NO HOW.
I AM HOPING THAT THIS WILL BRING US BACK TOGETHER AS A FAMILY. I THINK THAT SHE IS GOING TO TAKE ME UP ON THIS AND ASK ME TO GET DROPPED OFF UP THERE TOMORROW, PACK UP HER AND THE KIDS, AND DRIVE HER BACK HERE.
THE ODDEST THING OF ALL??? IT IS OUR ANNIVERSARY TODAY…REALLY. I MENTIONED IT AND SHE SAID THAT SHE KNEW THIS…WE LAUGHED, AND I TOLD HER THAT I LOVED HER SO MUCH AND THAT I WANT TO HELP….SHE DID NOT ASK ME FOR HELP.
THIS MUST BE THE WORK OF THE LORD….I DECLARE!
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, NO DOUBT!
SAY A PRAYER FOR US PEOPLE….I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET. THANK YOU GOD. THANKS TO EVERYONE ON THIS SITE. I REALLY REALLY HOPE THAT THIS IS OUR LIFE STARTING TO GET BACK TO NORMAL AGAIN.
I WILL BE CRUSHED IF SHE LEAVES AFTER THIS ANKLE SPRAIN….CYA
Yikes…terri sprained her foot and cannot walk, work, nor take care of the kids. She is at her Mom’s …last night , she was considering moving back here and letting me take care of everything. This morning, she tells me that she is going to stay at her Mom’s but since it our anniversary this week (actually~ it is tomorrow for real), she is begging me to drive up there tomorrow so we can spend the next couple of days together. It seems very important to her that we get together tomorrow.
She seems to be on the fence regarding us, but mentions that she needs to heal fast so she can go back to work in a few weeks…hmmm.
I do not understand. is this good, bad, or what???
I get the feeling that she wants to come back deep down, but she won’t let herself do it. Has anyone else had to deal with a BP in this state of mind? Is she on the verge perhaps of coming back to me???
I will be so happy to see my children and spend this important day together as a Family. Hopefully, she will give me Sophie for a week still.
I will not get all mushy (well, not too much), plead to her to get back together, nor become emotional if she tries to get a rise out of me…I will be as cool as I can….make this visit short and sweet and HOPE this is the start of something new vs. the end of what once was.
Any suggestions before I leave tomorrow???
I hope someone reads this before then.
Take care folks.
Hi Raan,
I don’t want to put a damper on your excitement. But my gut instinct tells me that this is more about money than you. Try the best you can to make this trip about the kids and less about your relationship with Terri. Remember she’s not working right now and probably in some pain due to the sprain. Which might be making her feel more needy and/or vulnerable. Her manipulation may be in full swing.
There has been no therapy, no visits to a doctor no recent monitoring of her meds.
Raan, try to focus on that which you deserve as well, in your life. Resist the urge to just show up as her shining star and white knight. Just be you because that is enough. You can’t spoil her or the children enough to make her want to work on your relationship. But you can be supportive enough to facilitate her getting help. Be a friend to yourself first and than her. You will like yourself more after this trip if you don’t buy into any drama.
I wish you the best yet cautious time.
Stay in touch and go in peace.
Trusturgut
Wise words indeed, Trusturgut. It took me a long time to get to the place where I can put myself first. There is always this tendency to think we can make things right. But, truth to tell, we can never change anyone but ourselves. I am free of the BS, even though it remains. Another truth may be that they never even notice when you have changed they are so wrapped up in themselves. It is very sad but it is as it is and must unfold as it will. No amount of wishing or directing will change anything for the better, I am afraid.
Raan & Trust
beautiful words trust …we both know the enduring suffering that comes from the excitement that preceeds the outcome.
myself am going through a grieving now, grieving the loss of a great union that once was, I have lived through the death of a previous partner too, but compared to this !! what can I say !! am over it , am nearly over it , am getting over it , am getting on with it, without it , without what ? what was it ? how do i describe something so insane it was a part of my life
THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING ! but with each day comes a ray of hope that I feel less for him, to the point, eventually where I wont feel anymore at all. I know that day is coming & I welcome that day , cause it will give me the opportunity to say never again NO MORE 2nd chances NO MORE GIVING NO MORE trying to help just getting on with my comfy life without the PAIN & the end of 10 years of a chapter I will try to forget.
Raan
I really hope this is good for you , I think everything that trust has said is spot on , its hard to be positive for you when you have endured so much suffering for no good reason . You are a good man who loves his kids & thats what happens to good people sometimes , they are so willing to keep trying & God bless you for that, may the angels of hope ride with you & keep you all safe.
regards from Bittersweet
Thanks Audre and trusturgut….wise words indeed.
I am going to have a good time, and enjoy my kids. I am not there to be mr. moneybags and I already made this clear with terri.
i will be cautious and make this a short and fun trip.
Thanks all. I just got a call from her and she asked me during it if I was taking her out to eat while I was visiting.Could that be all that she wants??? I cannot imagine that it’s JUST that, as we always do that anyway….I COULD have gone up this weekend for a longer period and she would have been able to go out to eat more as a result. She is aware that this trip will be much shorter but really wanted me up there TODAY as it is truly our anniversary.
I will take all of this knowledge with me and all of your insights and be very very wary of her and her possible hidden agendas.
I suspect that regardless, she probably is looking for me to spoil her in some way shape or form, but I am certain that my being there alone should be enough.
I am looking forward to taking us all out to eat tonight though. I want it to be special for all of us.
Boy-o-boy…she BETTER give me my Daughter for a week as we agreed…she has not mentioned anything about it in the last several days. if she renigs, then as per our agreement, I cut off child support because she isn’t holding up her end of the bargain. A good stalemate.
Wish me a lot of luck folks. I will have my guard up and not expect too much from her. We will have a good time, I am certain.
Thanks.
I just got back after a WONDERFUL 36 hours with my Family and terri up north…
GET THIS!
After a fantastic anniversary with terri, this morning she told me that she has changed her mond about coming home. She PROMISED she IS coming back for good…(mm-hmm). She needs time up there because her Mom is having major problems with a cyst in her rectum ( this is a fact, but I do not know how acute it really is)and terri says that because of this that she wants me to WAIT and be PATIENT…open ended – no return date back here. HMMMMM> She also said that she broke up with me (now it’s this reason) because I am too opinionated. Wow…I never ever heard her say that this was a problem. I asked her if that was really an issue, why she never mentioned it…she claims that it would have been rude. I came back with – gee, isn’t leaving me over a reason you never voiced with me “rude”? She got silent.
She also claimed that she has been cut off of welfare up there and that her BP meds are almost out. I SAW the bottles and they are supposed to be empty on the 18th….wow-isn’t that tomorrow? She had at least two if not more weeks worth in the bottles.
SHE IS NOT TAKING HER MEDS!!!!!! dang it.
She is pretty well doped up on pain pills for her sprained foot, and after she noticed that I saw the meds and how much was in each, she told me that it is too much for her to take the BP meds and the pain pills for her foot, so until then…all she is taking is the pain pills until her foot gets better…
I told her that she needs to take her BP meds.She promises she will as soon as her foot is better.
NOW, get this….she also asked me to keep the “getting back together stuff” to myself and don’t tell any of her friends because SHE wants to tell them and it’s not my business to tell them.
Sounds like she wants me to be like a puppet. “just wait until I am good and ready” “put your life on hold until I feel like I’ve done what I want to do”
AM I WRONG???
Now the best part, I can sleep with anyone I want to until she comes back….HUHHHHH???
EVEN better…when I called to let her know that sophie and I made it home, she told me I DO love you Raan, but until I get back…we are not together and I am not your girlfriend until then.
WHAT THE F#@K IS THIS WOMAN SAYING OR MEANING WITH ALL OF THIS?????
Any ideas folks??? is it at ALL possible she is sincere??
She even told this to the kids that we are ALL moving back to Daddy’s house, but she does not know when(oh, and it isn’t this month)….
can somebody please elaborate??? Am I stupid If I wait?
BTW, I am doing REAL well mentally and emotionally…in fact, I don’t have any trauma going on at all right now.
I am perplexed by her weird statements…
I forgot to mention
I did not react too much at her odd statements…I was pretty cool until I had to leave and the middle boy wanted to come too…I got a little emotional then, otherwise, pretty solid and calm. SHE did start crying when I left(not sure over sophie leaving or me and our short and wonderful time cut so short)…I think both apply…had to be there to notice, I think she REALLY does want/love me and does want to come home…her brain in this state does not? her heart does?? crying…amazing…first real indicator that she has some feelings I’ve seem in almost two months.
Manoman…she is SO broke too. penniless. NO money coming in, and without child support for the rest of the month(sophie is here-that’s why), I do not know what she is going to do…
Boy Oh BOY what a challenge you are having raan
look u r doing well so far & staying strong is the best thing you can do for the kids & you & her for that matter even tho she may not realise it as per say!
coming off the meds ( cold turkey ) not a good idea but hey what can u do ! she may have somewhat of a setback with that side of it….there are serious side affects to coming off them quickly. .. they are supposed to taper off them .
They do seem to have an ON / OFF switch when it comes to love Hot / Cold whatever you want to call it.
let her run with the ‘ opinionated ‘ stuff they always have to find something that is your fault as to WHY ?? it all happened. truth is she really hasnt got the answers unless you tend to errr on the side of ANGRY then you will get the real truth ! and still it will all be your fault Raan . I ve heard them all believe me… from
‘ you didnt love me enuff ‘ to ‘ didnt trust me enuff ‘
to am jealous of your kids ‘ to ‘ couldnt commit enuff’
to theif , corrupt , tell too many Lies ” you name it they will pull them out of a hat for the day ! tomorrow a different dillusion again.
the CONTROL issues she has by wanting to hurt u with her words does sound to me more like Borderline personality disorder. & do remember that most of them are narcissistic ( google the meaning ) So at the end of the day u did well & even though confused DONT drop your guard too much or she will screw you over.
By this I mean keep your boundaries in place , PLAY the game !!” oh ok we are not getting back together game today
DONT ask too many Questions because they HATE that too
Its because they done really have the answers & they certainly dont want to be submissive to you unless they are good & ready ! and HELL knows when that will be
Hope this helps Raan cheers From bittersweet
It’s interesting that you say that she might be borderline personality disorder vs. Bipolar…stop walking on eggshells made me come up with the same thing…she might be misdiagnosed!
As far as coming off of the meds, I don’t know if she has just STOPPED taking them…or what. I know very well from research and the doctors about tapering off and whatnot. I think that she is behaving well for not taking them AT THE MOMENT. I really am concerned about her taking pain killers though. Her Mom gave her a huge amount in a pill bottle. Yikes…she likes pain killers too.
What about the promise to come back and all of the erratic statements in the process???
Is she just playing with me or being sincere?
So, I guess I’ll keep on playing it col…wait ing is not something I enjoy, but nothing else works anyway.
She is SO broke and I saw where she is living….OH MY GAWD…Ghetto. BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
I don’t know how she is going to survive much longer up there…could she even sell herself out for cash if desperate? You know what I’m saying here?
Does she just expect me to wait until she is good and ready?
My gut says date and go out and have fun until then. She’ll probably wonder why I not so focused on her then…AND, (I’m not talking about trying to “get some”-just go out for the company) it will keep me distracted too. In fact, a good friend of mine has been trying to get me to go out with his co-worker. She’s cool from what I can tell.
I am loving having my Daughter here. She’s all into her daddy. Sophie likes certain songs I know of..so, I put them on. OH MY! We were dancing to music tonight…hilarious watching a 2 and 1/2 year old rock out! What a joy.
So, my guess is that as the Holidays start to come around, she will probably come home with her tail between her legs asking to take her back if not sooner.
Thanks Bittersweet. Your advice as always is very appreciated and followed as best I can.
God bless you all on here.
hello raan
am glad you are enjoying your daughter …in answer to your question is she just playing u ‘ am no professor on this topic by any means , but from my experiences ‘ if she thinks you are losing interest in her & going out then she will be more inclined to want you back . then again because you love her the way you do , you wont give up on her that easy .
Part of you wants to rebel for the pain she is causing you , but at the end of the day she is the mother of your child & u love the other kids too ?
hang in there my friend u r doing well
Hi Raan,
welcome home! The first and unfortunately only and primary thought that comes to mind is that she is waiting to see how things pan out with her ‘crackhead’ in jail! And as far as her dictacted who you can talk to and tell what to(i.e., her friends and what you can and can not tell them)…HEAR ME ON THIS! Do Not Buy Into Any Of That!! These are part of the games. This is her attempt at trying to control your actions which is classic to this type of personality! I actually smiled when I read your saying is she treating me like a puppet. Because I thought ahhh he’s starting to get it, he’s beginning to see the light. Say what you want, when you want, to whomever you want! Pull her covers at every turn!!! To do otherwise, keeping her thoughts a secret does nothing but further enable her, the situation and her condition! They bank on our sense of loyalty and view any healthy attempt to gain insight and get support as a personal attack or a front to them. Again classic BP thinking. Mine actually said to me ‘just quit telling my business and stop talking about my illness it’s not right and I have enough shame around it!’ had she forgotten that I lived day in and day out shrugging my shoulders to others, keeping my mouth shut, blaming her behavior on her
hormone imbalance or whatever the reason du jour happened to be. No! You need help and people have the right to know who and what they are dealing with in order to be able to make educated decisions. NO MORE living in the dark. It keeps her sick. And it makes you sick and even more I’ll equipped to handle things moving forward. She doesn’t want you to share anyhing with her friends, family or whatever because of what she has already told them. Which I venture to guess is polar opposite to what she has shared with them. At this juncture I would be checking out and confirming everything that she says. This helps you. This helps your children and this liquifies rather than solidifies whatever stories she’s trying to spin. Her credibility is shot right now. Whether she ultimately chooses at some point to be with you or not and if at that point you still are holding open the door for her as an option, don’t you deserve to live a life and raise a family based in truth and honesty. Puppet masters can only be so if they have puppets. Take yourself off the strings. There maybe slight differences in all of our situations but THIS ONE I Have Lived! If I keep her secrets regardless of what they maybe than she will know that I am true blue that I have her best interests at heart, that she will come back, that she will stay with me, that she will know that I am loyal, that she will trust me, confide in me and feel comfortable to tell me anything. I will than have proven myself to be her lover, her friend and her partner in life. Hogwash!! Flip it! They need to learn the value of the truth, and being responsible and self care with respects to their conditions an struggles. They need to become committed to their own accountability. And should that day never come just know that there is no loyalty in lies. And do not buy into the bs that this is a privacy issue because this has moved way past those boundaries.
I hope you have the most blessed time with Sophie. And do not rest or get complacent with regards to custody, child support or legal issues.
Another truly inspirational post, Trusturgut. Your posts keep me on the straight and narrow. Just when I might falter, you write something brilliant. Thanks!
Hi Audre,
How are things going with you and your son? Is he still at home?
Lately everytime I get feed back I find myself going back and rereading, thinking geez what the heck did I even write. Lol!
I speak from my heart and I damn sure speak from my experience. I find that both times that I have been away/removed from my bp I get much more clear headed. This time it’s permanant. I hear tell that little to nothing has changed in her world. Still having the tirades. Still making threats and periodically verbally abusing ppl. Has far as her other shananigans. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.
Evidently my name came up in conversation a few weeks back and she went on a rant about how I am her Enemy!! Etc. What?!? What the hell did I do?!? But I must consider the source. Blaming is the name of their gaming.
Going for a power walk. The only damn thing that makes me feel good these days. Even though I have a deeper perspective of all that’s gone on in my life this last year. I find that I too now am battling a depression and sense of despair by all I’ve lost. So that’s about as real as I can get for now. Off I go…
Trusturgut, I can’t imagine your being depressed. Look forward, not back. There is someone out there who can appreciate your understanding and intellect, I am certain.
Yes, my son is still at home but he doesn’t have the same effect on me. I don’t speak any more. I am an exceptionally optimistic person so am always cheerful and animated but now I just keep to myself.
Of course, I am waiting for another blowup. When it happens, I intend to tell him if he can’t be civil and exhibit good manners he can leave.
I can’t believe the shit that I have taken in the past because I believed he was sick. He may be sick but no one has to put up with the shit. I think we devalue ourselves when we accept what they dish out.
My main problem now is I forget the bad things so it is easy to slip back into being nice. But I keep reminding myself that I am not going to accept bad behavior again from anyone.
I wish you all the good the world has to offer T. You deserve it. You are worth it!
trusturgut,
the crackhead is in prison now and won’t be out for 16 months…could that be why she gives me no date as to when she promises to come back home???
Is she just playing me do you think? OR, is she really just up there to see how her mom’s condition turns out?
I think it’s just a control thing….Do I mention to her friends or family about her telling me she is coming back? She might be using this as a test to see if I’ll keep my mouth shut?
or, can I not win no matter what I do?
hi guys Raan … the jail thingy & ‘ crackhead ‘ person is scary stuff ..Is she really involved with this type of person ?? the kids should not be around that type of mentality …you sound so smart & emotionally intelligent & she is turning to a crackpot for emotional stability !!
from my experience some of the women my ex chose certainly werent of the same status as me …not blowing my balloon but I am educated, work, am good looking, etc . and he would choose women who were the opposite to this, some who didnt have any money at all. you see I always paid my own way I also have my own place & good car that we always used because his was piled high to the window sills with mcdonalds wrappers & milkshake cartons , he never washed his car ever …he liked it messy & dirty ” another sign “. The first day I ever let him drive my new car an expensive car too …he sideswiped a road post whilst going too fast & scratched all the front !! I didnt winge because I knew if I did he would get out of the car in the middle of nowhere & walk off !! we live in OZ so nowhere is actually hundreds of klms of nothing !!
‘Trusturgut like you am ‘ moving forward ‘ am over it’ am nearly over it’ am getting over it’ am getting on with it ‘ without it’ without what ? what the f..k was it anyway ???
Cheers guys beautiful sunny day here from bittersweet
I am very concerned about Terri’s mental state. she called tonight HYSTERICAL…”come get your son right now!!!”
Without going into each psychobabble statement she made, it’s almost as if the 36 wonderful time we spent together (-what was it…I got back yesterday early evening from it???) almost never happened.
She is talking crazy. bring back Sophie right now if I don’t get my son right now…
I maintained my coolness as best I could. I listened. I said I can imagine not having Sophie there must be really hard on her…she said “oh, you don’t care-you never do”
MY GAWD, she is out of her gord!
I want to get her in a hospital. She needs help. I feel like I am so powerless…
should I call her doctor up there and NOT ask info…just suggest that she needs to be looked at and that I have seen that she is not taking her meds…can this help? I understand doctor – patient confidenciality and all…as long as I don’t ask for info, will he listen does anyone think? He has mmet me several times…might remember me.
When I told her i don’t have enough money to take my son right now (as we discussed YESTERDAY, she claimed “well, you sure do have enough for your daughter…it’s because he isn’t yours biologically…just forget it…I’ll tell him his Daddy doesn’t want to see him…His Mama can take care of him Just for get it!”
No matter what I said, she twisted my words around into something bad.
I asked her to not disrespect me, try and manipulate me or control me or don’t call me if that is how she is going to treat me…she said that I have to let her talk to her daughter…I calmly repeated what I said.
I didn’t get mean nor even have a chance to say much, and she said that I was going on with all my opinions again and not letting her get a word in edgewise…I told her Terri….YOU have been screaming at me this whole conversation and I don’t even know why you are mad. She said I was a dick and a jerk.
Hmmph.
Iasked her didn’t we just have a great time up there and aren’t we supposed to be getting back together – in fact you PROMISED this repeatedly…
She would NOT answer other than dance around the head of a pin…I just kept asking this…I said Honey…it’s just a yes or no querstion…she claimed that she answered it already…
Yikes…she is straight up CRAZY today…what is going on here?
Is this just plain ole mania in full force???
hello Raan soooo let me get this straight you are only the biological father of sophie & the ‘ other boys r not your kids.hmmmmm well ..first of all let me just say I have 3 sons no daughters . but what I can tell you is the boy probably has given her a hard time after you left as boys tend to do to their mothers. you are the male role model for him & he has probably figured out by now that she is nuts & you are fine. this would be a challenge for any young bloke. he has probably said things about wanting to stay with you or go with you & this undermines her credibility. so the young bloke ‘just stepped on an emotional land mine.
her anger is driven to ward you but she may be having an effect to coming off those meds’
something has triggered it & id say it is mania in full flight. she will come good , also u did say she took pain killers they can trigger mood swings as well.
if u can I would make a report of the conversation to a pdoc & try to get some stabilising drugs perhaps ‘ seroquel ‘ may help . they should know what to do
hope this helps cheers from Bittersweet
Good Morning Raan,
I am trying to pound down enough coffee in order to respond…:))
first if all let me say that this is exactly why this website and the support that it provides is sooo important. I woke up, like I do most everyday filled with anger, filled with sadness, loneliness and despair like I do most every morning as of late as I look around and focus on where I am and what my life has become. Then I read your post and situation from last night I hear your concern and confusion and your brain screaming WTF and it not only brings it all back for me but launches me out of my own shit.
I remember probably one of the first horrific interactions I’ve ever had the disgust to witness.
My Bp’s daughter was 4 at the time(now she’s 5). My bp has a boat docked on the canal in her back yard. Keeping in mind that at this time all I knew about was all the painful things that have happened in my bp’s life but the bp and PTSD hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet and i can’t recall if I knew about the drugs yet at this time either.
So the 3 of us go for a boat ride. The daughter hates when the boat goes fast. I mean REALLY FREAKS OUT! my bp must have been in full blown manic at the time. She’s driving the boat and all she’s talking about is wanting to make the boat go wide open to clean off the barnacles from the bottom. Anything beyond a crawl and her daughter has a melt down and I can feel the tension building. So she speeds up the boat. I’m holding on tight to her daughter who is becoming wild and screaming and frankly I’m a bit scared too if I do say so myself. But we know the drill keep quiet to avoid any repercussions.
My bp gets in such a blind rage that she spins the boat around screaming at the top of her lungs that she has given her WHOLE LIFE UP FOR HER DAUGHTER AND HAS LOST EVERYTHING AND THIS IS THE THANKS SHE GETS blah blah blah. She’s f’n 4 for christ’s sake!!
Afraid that full this may get locked up again for being too long…
Well as suspected I wrote a long as post and I jammed up on me.
Boat story cont’d
We arrived back at the house and she began throwing the shit off the boat. Her daughter and I went inside to get something to eat because we were supposed to grab lunch while we were out but of course that was now all messed up.
We can hear her screaming outside. We hear her fire the boat up again. We go back outside and she yelling ‘i hope you two are happy together because I’m leaving and not coming back!!’ this throws her daughter into a full blown panic of course! And she now is standing on the dock as her mother is pulling away yelling and hyperventilating ‘Mommy I’m sorry I’m sorry please come back DONT GO!!’ I was sick! I’m saying under my breath it’s ok sweetie etc. Bp sees me talking to her daughter and comes unglued! ‘You’re lucky ‘me’ is with you now Because that’s all you have left you’ve made everyone go away!!!’ she’s now blaming her 4 year old daughter for everyone leaving their life. A half hour later she does come back and shits her self in the bedroom. But is still yelling through out the house. Bp finally passes out and her daughter crawls in bed with her to sleep as well. I’m sure the scars and damage and abandonment issues will be felt for a long time to come.
SHUTS herself in her bedroom. Damn Iphone lol!!
Raan,
) she needs to get as balanced as she possible can before any relationship conversations can be had.
you need support and if her friends are sound have a history with her and can provide some insight. Than lean on them.
If at some point you do take her up on taking care of the boys than make sure you get everything in writing. Otherwise she can later nab you for kid napping. I hate to say it but it’s true. And continue to investigate what legal recourse you have.
Here’s the script: ‘Terri I know you are upset and I hear that you are frantic. I hear that you are hurting and in pain. You are loveable and worthy of a peace filled life. I will support you in all your efforts to achieve that. This is no different than a diabetic who needs to monitor their insulin. Let your doctor help you.’ etc. Do not let her take you off track and reminding her of her words of getting back together may back fire on you at some point. If your partner was laying on the ground w a gapping wound you wouldn’t lean over her saying but we were supposed to get married today remember.
Bittersweet is probably right on when she described the scenario that happened with her son. That poor boy probably has a good sense that mama ain’t right right now. And is starving for stability. Again another reason why what ever action is taken needs to be as legal as possible because if he is school aged he can’t be bounced around and back and forth.
You folks are so helpful…
terri HAS seroquel. She isn’t taking it right now. I do not know if she skips days and takes it usually (she claims she eats her meds)or what.
I saw the meds bottles. there are about two weeks worth and last month, I had to help her get some financially because she was late (or so she claimed) getting them due to not enough cash for the co-pay.
I DO know that she usually needs them around the 18th…I saw the bottles on the 16th to the 17th. She told me that due to hurting her foot A FEW DAYS EARLIER, that she wasn’t taking her BP meds during that time because the pain meds make it too hard to take both meds and watch the kids with ease.
There was MORE than 3-4 days worth in those bottles. CLEARLY, she isn’t taking her meds and by her actions and crazy behavior…this makes sense now.
IS THERE ANY WAY that she will come back from this full blown mania without taking the meds? Can the pressure of being in such a bad situation make her snap back to reality? I read somewhere that when the obsticles get so overwhelming while manic, the BP can come back to reality in finding that their own hasn’t and isn’t working…anyone ever hear of this?
I’m worried sick over her. She hasn’t called today at all. The kids – Dang it….I’m worried sick about them too. Sophie is very happy here. I don’t want to take her back there.
Next weekend, when I drop sophie back off, i am going to just leave. I am sure terri will try and dump Adrian (the middle boy) on me, but I am BROKE from all of this fiasco. I cannot take him even if I wanted to, and I do.
I’m sure she will say I am lying…whatever…
I am so worn from all of this. I love her and the kids SO much, but I am starting to just about say F it.
I do NOT want to do this.
I am scared.
hello raan
Look u r doing really well …I know its very hard what you are going through 1st degree torture.
it does seem overwhelming at times but really this will probably continue for some time yet especially with her jumping off the meds’
sophie is too young to really understand what is happening at this point, & well to be honest kids always survive really, as long as they are all together.
maybe you could take the middle boy,but sophie definately too young to take away from her siblings.
If you take the middle boy can you still go to work ??
kids are tough going they can survive lots of dysfunction, so if you can get terri right then maybe it will all come together again
just try to be rational & not get drawn into her & what she is doing.
hope this helps regards from Bittersweet
Dear Raan,
There’s really no way to know if she will eventually just snap back to reality. Although my gut tells me she probably will at some point. Many cycle through their ups and downs for years prior to being diagnosed that’s the very nature of the disorder. How fast and how often they cycle through is the only thing that distinguishes between BP I and BP II.
But the real question is is that the life that you want for yourself?? As I’ve said many many times ppl who struggle with this disorder can live productive lives they are not all list causes. But they can not do this with out being proactive with respects to their own care. Many of them in the beginning and sometimes periodically do need to be hospitalized but that usually and hopefully leads to them getting on some sort of road to managing their condition. Choosing to live a life with an unpredictable, unreliable, manipulative, lying, cheating, runaway is masochistic at the least and suicidal at best. It’s neither good for you, your family, your children, your friends and your job. Because yes over time the effects do begin to branch out.
trusturgut
can I add to your list of
unpredictable ‘ unreliable ‘ manipulative ‘Lying ‘ cheating runaway ” is very apt
what about …the hurt they inflict onto innocent ppl who dont know anything about this illness until it is all of a sudden all your fault!!
i have often wondered if this is why they run away, they have made such a prik out of them selves instead of staying to acknowledge the wrongs they take off to avoid the responsibility of their own bad behaviour.
I truly have tried everything to manage my BP’ partners illness, apart from almost dying myself from misery & disappointment , what can I say !!
Raan …cant imagine how bad this would be with kids involved at least I didnt have that problem really , my kids were too old for the BP to affect them
cheers from bittersweet
Hi all, grrrrrr bloody BP!!!! yes the list could go on and on and on! mine too was a lying cheating manipulative weasel, and god help the next unsuspecting victim that comes along!!!! they aviod all responsibility, when i cought mine cheating red handed he even said it wasnt him, erm…….. oh yes it was and with his friends wife too, and a friend who had cancer. but he said that all the dirty pics i found on the phone werent even for him and even when she admitted it he still tried to tell me it wasnt him! looking back there was trouble everywhere you looked. i like you bittersweet could of almost died from misery and disappointment, and he even did things that have affected my kids. he ruined every single holiday and birthday too, the drugs were there all the time, along with pro plus to keep him awake and dope to help him sleep, drinking from dawn to dusk, and i agree with audre that each and everytime we take there shit because we know they are ill, we devalue ourselves, and i certainly wont be taking anymore of this shit off anyone ever again thank god. good luck all M xxxx
michelle
if you read my previous posts u will see how my EX BP ran off with new women sometimes within hours of being with me. then when you catch them out they just run away or go silent & no contact because you asked too many questions ..they hate that. No Value No respect was all i got back for my years of loyalty. No contact now for over 1 year thankgod…& yes the DOOR IS CLOSED at this end too.
trusturgut
DONT CONTACT that silly bitch , I have read your previous posts , that women was blessed to have you in her life, she is the fool who destroyed it
You are free from her shit …I wouldnt dream of making contact now & its been a year since all contact ceased ..let them rot in their living hell
& if they do contact you ( which is unlikely given the collateral damage they caused & cant face ) just DONT ANSWER ..CLOSE THE DOOR…IN FACT SLAM
the F@#&..N DOOR IN THEIR FACE
cheers for now from Bittersweet
Bp directly effects or rather is as a result of a misfiring or over producing or underproducing of chemicals in the brain. The frontal cortex is the primary offender or primary victim depending on how you look at it. The frontal cortex is our reasoning center. This is the one that provides us with information about right and wrong, good and bad etc. This is the one that says ‘hey that might not be such a hot idea because the consequences are going to be negative’. Ultimately is it more complicated than this of course but for a laypersons perspective this is all we really need to know. What meds work for whom and for how long and why are determined by alot of different variables. How fast an individuals body metabolizes things, hormones, their cycling patterns, how long they’ve lived with the disorder treated or untreated, therapy modalities and are there any other underlying conditions and factors such as substance abuse, living conditions, physical conditions etc. Sometimes it can be brought about by events that occured at very sensitive ages and sometimes there is a genetic component and sometimes both. For these reasons and others is why you hear me say that an arsenol of ppl need to be involved in their treatment and they need to become the head of their pack.
I am not a shut you out, turn my back on and abandon you type of person. Never have been and probably never will be. Most of here are of the same like mind and probably why we are here and joined together in the first place. But we can not and should not do all the work for all involved. However as this board is titled a great deal of the bp’s just disappear and/or come and go as they please and leave us to clean up emotional, financial, sometimes physical and psychological messes. They get to medicate either self induced or prescribed while we get to aggitate, agonize, question, contemplate, spinning our wheels looking for answers, can’t sleep, can’t eat or too much of both depending on ones propensity, live in pain and heartache, trying to avoid conflict or their triggers, sometimes wishing they would just go away and then devastated and consumed by worry and/or longing when they do. Forever wondering where the loving, charming, bright, caring, intelligent, responsible person that we fell inlove with or raised went. None of us signed up for it but being the rational thinkers with usually a great if not greater capacity for compassion we commit to it…to them. And our middle name becomes Hope! But our new job description becomes enabler and caretaker. While many of them bounce around through life from place to place and person to person or stay home demanding and accusing and criticizing and abusing. Or crying or sleeping. But no escapes being changed in some way. Some for the better and some are yet to be determined.
or blaming.
Bittersweet,
)
you bet you can! The list of devastation is endless! I think that was why I became so drawn to this site to begin with. I had never read before so many ppl be able to describe, tell about and relate to so many of the same experiences. This truly is one of those ‘you don’t get it until you’ve lived it or with it’ scenarios. Sometimes the situations became so insidious. Your instincts and your gut tells you something isn’t right or that something they just did and said is off but I for one early on began ignoring or overly questioning myself. My bp was in therapy when she came back into my life just not diagnosed and not medicated, oh yeh and on drugs. I hadn’t a clue. But what I did admire was the fact that due to her life circumstances she was
seeking help. However many have asked what the hell has she been doing there all this time lol!
Last night I had this almost uncontrollable strong urge to reach out to her. It’s been months and months with no contact. But I than had to force myself to remember the constant state of anxiety that I was in, the yelling, the trying to steal from me, the passive agressive go away come here accusatory bullshit, the constant criticizing the lying, the cheating, the neglect, the ignoring, the threats and so on. What happens that I can so easily in an instant forget all of that. My only answer is that because I don’t naturally live from a negative state so all of that heinous behavior just gets filed away. I don’t want to have to keep that crap in the forefront of my mind. But to not leads to an almost slip up like last night. Do I think she’s changed? Hell no! In fact, as recently as 3 weeks ago I heard about another disgusting blow up. Thank God I have therapy myself
today.
So often I feel like I’m just white knuckeling my way through life now. Alcoholics and drug addicts in recovery have large expansive support systems as well as does their spouses, partners and families.
As strong as the urge is to reach out to her. And tell her how much I miss her and her daughter in my life. I am also outraged and enraged by all that she did to unravel and destroy my life and yes she did find a way to blame me for it. And that’s just for my living circumstances and the loss of my long term friends. Sporting of her. To the best of my knowledge she doesn’t know that I know about the criminal activity that I’ve found out about in recent months, that she perpetrated against me and my ex partner and several other ppl that I don’t know personally.
There’s a doubled edged sword from being removed and separated from the situation. One is that the sting of all the damage begins to subside and ones thinking begins to get clearer, but the other is as a result of that you don’t live from it in your day to day life anymore and you begin to forget and long for a reconciliation.
I’ve heard many talk about this before.
Even now. I’ve been up since 2:30 am here and I just looked at the clock, it’s now 6:45 just about the time when I would start waking them up to get ready for her daughter to go to school. I miss her little smiling face. They gave purpose to my life for a short time. And I loved them deeply. That hasn’t fully gone away. I hate that I have to remember all the horrible things in order to save myself and stay away.
trusturgut
Look I know how hard it is being out of contact
but do you really think that you could go back to that
remembering, the bad things is one thing, but what about all the PAIN. which am sure you have forgotten the depth of. The absolute abandonement & distrust , the no loyalty ..Do you really want the disloyalty in your life.
the watching your back , & front for that matter , the constant recriminations of what you said , what you didnt say & then all the emotional landmines that get twisted into some outrageous story that you have no idea of what they are talking about. the name calling , the no support emotional or otherwise. the games they play with your emotions not to mention the cheating
I do know how hard it is to leave someone you love dearly , believe me I am talking asoul mate stuff but hey you have NO control …make contact GET BURNT make NO contact …PAIN FREE
cheers from bittersweet
trusturgut and bittersweet,
having re-read some of your previous posts now, and having been in my own endless nightmare…(and I realize that you don’t have biological and non biological children in the mix)—
Am I to assume here that this crap is going to never stop IF I take this woman back IF she comes back.
This is the second of two episodes, but this one seems to be getting worse…not better. Is theis the way she will probably be from here on based on your folks accounts….this is just the beginning.
I know, I cannot ask someone else to make up MY mind for me, but is it most likely best to just tell her I am done with her…cut my losses and agitation and simply just work out the visitation with my Daughter Sophie?
It sounds by yours and many others on this site that this is pure unadulterated non-stop forever HELL and while I thought terri wasn’t as bad as a lot of others posts on here….I am starting to think that she isn’t going to get better anytime soon. It’s been 6 weeks now. The original and only onther time was january and it lasted 4 weeks and she was back. I don’t see terri coming home this month or ????
I am a bit bummed tonight….STILL HAVE NOT HEARD FROM TERRI SINCE HER HYSTERICAL CALL SATURDAY NIGHT.
I think she might be mad at me for ??? reason-go figure, but perhaps she is upset because sophie is not there.
I am very worried. it isn’t like her to not call by two days, especially with Sophie here….
ANYONE HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS…SHOULD I CALL HER…LEAVE HER BE???
hello raan
look all you can do is try to get her meds correctly diagnosed & hope for the best
we one this site are mostly in the throws of moving on, away, whatever my our partnerships with our BP’s
you are young & that can give you 2 options which only u know the answer for …Walk away or stay & work it out
I think the 2nd option is where you are at . you seem to have too much love for your partner to let go yet.
Look a very good friend of mine said something to me once when I was in my 7th year of turmoil with my BP
‘ IS this what you want for the rest of your life ‘
there are no easy answers & you cant help who u love ?
cheers from Bittersweet
Bittersweet, for the record, I am 46 years old. She is in her mid twenties-I know, young.The age difference has never been an issue. I have never been in any co-dependent relationships (although at times, in THIS relationship, it seems like I am exhibiting traits like one that is)and I’ve never ever WAITED for someone.
I truly adore this woman, and I am committed to her and our family. I want to just get her home safely and get her to the docs.
I wish I knew of a sure fire way to do so.
Should I just ask her the next time that she calls :
“Honey, would you please take your meds daily – we both know that they will make you feel better and you will be less stressed.”
ANY CHANCE THAT THIS WILL WORK?
hello raan
Am same age as you too:)….that is why you exhibit the emotional intelligence. :Look I know its very hard now & how much you love her , she is probably terrified herself dont forget , they do suffer a lot of fear.
and yes I do think that your softer approach will work well for her. just repeat things over & over as much as you can & try not to get angry at her out of your own frustration. I would be lying if I said I didnt still have love for my Ex BP and we have been apart for 1 year no contact. It is a challenge codependant or not …to try & ‘ keep the faith ‘ so to speak …To be honest if I knew i could make contact with my ex & be treated fairly & with value …I reluctantly would try to give it another chance BUT the truth is ( like trusturgut )
u just know you will get screwed over. you do get to a point where there has been too much collateral damage
I dont think you are at this point, from what you have said you have had a good time up until now. Bipolar Mood Disorder does deteriorate with age. There is of coarse what I mentioned to you in the beginning that if you become too needy , she will play you. its hard to be tough guy all the time & am sure you are getting sick of this shit by now . the meds are the key to your happiness with her , but please try to remember if she doesnt want it now , u will have to Wait .
cheers from bittersweet
Bittersweet,
I KNOW every word of what you say is true. You’ve been there I’ve been there. Thank you for writing what you did. Now I have something tangible to go back to when I’m in need. Because although my desire to reach out to her is not as strong this morn as it’s been for the last two days it IS still f’n there. I love the term collateral damage it’s so fitting.
So much has happened in the past year that I know that I would not make a good partner, lover and spouse right now. But the more I start to unravel and dissect everything it’s getting harder and harder to go through this alone.
Coffee’s ready will touch base later.
Bittersweet, i have read most of the posts on here over the months, mine too did the same and then always came back, changed his phone number and told me it was just because he felt like having a new number, deep down i guess i always knew different, but when they tell you, your the one who is paranoid and psychotic in the end you start to believe all their crap! yes i totally agree with you, once they have gone and left you alone, never open that god forsaken door again, it is a total blessing believe me! he also sent menacing emails to my freinds husband etc and had all my passwords all my account details and everything, they will cause as much trouble as they can and sit laughing while all the trouble unfolds. they truly are a menace to their own destiny, they take chance after chance after chance cos we kind hearted souls give it to them only to get beaten down to the floor and kicked in the face time and time again, and my advice would be run run run and i wish i knew that then and saved myself a whole lot of grief!!!!!! M xxxx
Bittersweet, i have read most of the posts on here over the months, mine too did the same and then always came back, changed his phone number and told me it was just because he felt like having a new number, deep down i guess i always knew different, but when they tell you, your the one who is paranoid and psychotic in the end you start to believe all their crap! yes i totally agree with you, once they have gone and left you alone, never open that god forsaken door again, it is a total blessing believe me! he also sent menacing emails to my freinds husband etc and had all my passwords all my account details and everything, they will cause as much trouble as they can and sit laughing while all the trouble unfolds. they truly are a menace to their own destiny, they take chance after chance after chance cos we kind hearted souls give it to them only to get beaten down to the floor and kicked in the face time and time again, and my advice would be run run run and i wish i knew that then and saved myself a whole lot of grief!!!!!! M xxxx grrr does anyone else when trying to post on here get a message saying its a duplicated comment?? x
dear michelle, never get the duplicated message thingy
LOL. am humbled to actually say my ex BP did not do anything nasty like these things you & trust talk about with criminal activity behind your back …he was not a vindictive person like that thank god. his roots went back to ministry, he was suppssed to be a preist but disappointed his family.!! Naaa my biggest problem was the infidelity …& he was the master. I guess being a loyal homebody I still to this day am totally shattered by the performances with other women . I could understand a quick fling I guess if it were related to his illness , but my man actually moved out of my bed & into theirs as tho I didnt exist anymore!! then he stayed with the other women & just ignored me even referred to me as a Stalker once when we were engaged to be married & I asked what the hell was going on
DONT ASK QUESTIONS …cause you wont like what I have to tell you !! I think that is the sole reason I am so resolute on him never returning , even tho I forgive very easily all the other stuff, yelling , bad names, injustices etc etc I just could not be in a constant state of pain from giving him my loyalties & wondering when the next women that he JUST met would appear.
A stranger at a drink fridge was a target for him , a women walking on the beach on her own, supermarkets were his favourite pickup place , cause he didnt go shopping for groceries , he only ever ate takeaway..!! LOL
Trusturgut
I have like you been at the should I email or ring stage for a couple of days Too but I just get through those days …its nothing to be ashamed of , if you truly do love someone nothing absolutely nothing can stop that feeling …not even hating them !! LOL
I guess for me the one thing a close friend said to me a few years back now , when I used to go to work in some kind of trance because the BP had just run off with a new women ‘ Is this what you want for the rest of your Life’ ?? and when I got really sick from the constant betrayal the answer became easier !
cheers from OZ from Bittersweet
After re-reading many posts on here, I feel lucky….my situation could be a lot worse. I feel for all of you on here. HANG IN THERE people!!! That’s what I am doing.
I have not heard from my BP in 4 days and it was been driving me crazy.
My BP’s Mom called me today to ask a favor of me and I asked what is up with terri….she told me that she heard terri’s disrespectful outbursts Saturday and asked terri to give me space. I am relieved
it’s : am….my cell rings and the number comes up “restricted”….clearly terri DOES in fact have a phone. We talked for about 15 minutes. The middle boy got on the phone with me and spoke his 3 year old gibberish, but I enjoyed it.
After, terri brought up”well, I AM coming back to you, but it isn’t going to be soon”. I said, how is that any different than before? She said, it isn’t…but I am coming back to you, I just don’t know when.
She also said that I told her Mom today that we are getting back together, but I didn’t…I DID tell her Mom today some vague snipets of our (Terri and I) conversation and her Mom FIGURED IT OUT. I told terri this, but she claims I am lying. I told terri her Mom just figured it out I guess. terri claims that this is why she isn’t coming back sooner …because I cannot keep my word. I explained exactly what I told her mom and terri said that she is going to put her mom on three way tomorrow and see who is lying….whatever. I did not lie.
it’s just an excuse I think.
All in all, it went okay, but I think that terri is still very manic. What the heck is she up at 1:30am in the morning for anyway? She LOVES to sleep usually for 12 hours daily (10-10ish).
Should I have not put out the vague clues today when terri asked me NOT to say anything about us getting back together? technically, I didn’t break my promise. terri seems mad I said anything about it whatsoever. Was this a TEST to see if I am trustworthy? I don’t see what the problem is if her Mom figured it out anyway. I guess her Mom asked her, “so…you and raan are getting back together , eh? When?”
I guess her Mom can’t be trusted with ANY info…vague or not. I asked her Mom to keep our conversation to ourselves as well. it never does. I KNOW this, but didn’t tell her we are getting back together…
Is this just a BP ploy to keep me waiting?
She told me she loved me and that she missed me after I did….sounded kind of blah when she said it….Hmm.
HAVE I SCREWED UP????? I HOPE NOT.
Dear Raan,
this the exact type of insidious stuff and blaming behavior that we’ve all been talking about and it frankly makes me crazy.
Don’t you think that if two people were choosing to share their lives together or planning a heartfelt reunion that it should be a happy thing?? Ask yourself why all the secrecy, why does she want to ‘discuss’ plans behind the scenes and force you to live in the dark? Because she’s planning on not following through at some point but just wants to keep you on the hook? And than when you act out because she bailed again she gets to deny it all and make you the one who looks nuts?
This is almost the exact scenario that blew me out of the house for the final time. I didn’t know for sure although I suspected, that my partner was seeing, persuing, sleeping with someone else. One day, after she had just blasted me, this person shows up as usually was the case after a tirade. It wound up being a calculated set up. But nonetheless I was asked but are you two back together because I don’t see much affection between the two if you. I said no not really but when I first returned she was trying and very affectionate but I’m here to help her
and her daughter and frankly I’m not sure I’m ever goin to go down that road again she’s too unstable. Fast forward to several wks later and suddenly I get a text from the other room asking me why am I telling ppl that we are back together in particular this person? Well first of all I’m not answering txts from w/in the same damn house that’s obsurd! So I poked my head into the other room and said, I most certainly am not in fact just the opposite! This went on for days. I just kept saying, ‘this is not my fight and I am not getting involved’ so much so that I began to sound robotic. Over the course of three days she worked herself up into such lather that she began yelling at me in front of her child. Which she promised she would never do again. One of the coditions by me, of my return. Calling me a liar, calling the other person a liar. Basically she thought her covers were being blown and she was flipping out. Frankly I didn’t think and still don’t that it was that much of a big deal. I had already begun to step back emotionally.
Cont’d
Cont’d
But she evidently was the only one in her world who could ever call the shots about anything. Over the course of those couple of days I would hear, you better get ready because so and so is coming over tonight and the two of you are going to hash this out. I would say hash what out?! I refused to be dragged into this mess. You go work it out I have better things to do. I don’t mind talking to this person at any time but there’s no need to make it sound like a threat that’s ridiculous. She texted me once telling me that she was havin dinner with this person and that’s how I should know that it was my problem! Nope still not biting this is adolescent bs. She would wake up in the morning seem fine go put her daughter in the car come back in and yell you’d better come clean and lay on the sword or you are going to have to go! On th final day which was the day of her daughters end if school play she tells me that she will not raise her daughter around liars and that I had 30 days to find some place to live. I rented a car and was gone in 2 hours! And have never looked back. Well I have certainly never gone back. I left the state. Frankly speaking on the bipolar richter scale this one was mild but I had been through a war prior to that. I was no sooner on the highway when the threatening txts began. I can’t believe you did this to my kid again!!! Calls crying…you can do what you want to me I don’t care but she doesn’t deserve your rejection. Well No f’n kidding!! But that was after she wrote. ‘you’d better hope I Never lay eyes on you again because I’m going to rip your f’n face off with my bare hands…!’ so when i took her at her word and didn’t show up to the pageant. Than the msgs really got Bad!!!! At one point me and the other person began to communicate alot!!! We both shared info with ea other that neither of us had any idea about!!! I was sick to my stomach and crushed and shakey. This info exchange lasted for a long time.
I miss her daughter terribly sometimes we were very bonded.
And so many times I have wanted to contact her and tell her just what she’s done to my life and that I know EVERYTHING every little detail!! But for what purpose and to what end. She would only twist it all, call the other person a liar. Or plain old not give a shit. I wonder still if it would be cathartic somehow. But better to leave sleeping rabid dogs alone. Besides the fact that as my brain likes to forget so easily sometimes even after I was gone I found ou inadvertently that she had rerouted my mail and tried to rip off my credit cards! Let the authorities deal with her. This other person knows all the illegal stuff too and is fully prepared to take in her daughter if ever need be and my bp gets locked up.
So as I’ve said before. Raan, You have nothing to hide. You deserve to live a loving, normal, free from drama and control life in the open!
You are not her doctor or her therapist bound by privacy laws. Do not begin to second guess your intentions. Because than you will begin to doubt everything about you. It’s a slow process that happens without you even realizing it sometimes.
You’ve done nothing wrong by communicating with her mother. You all have been family for 4 years and because of Sophie will be for life. Terri is sick right now and not thinking clearly. But someone has to and if you choose that someone is you…
All the best, T
wow trusturgut… man oh man I dont know how you did that shift LOL F.k knows what they are doing sometimes RAAN I read a very clever post on here written by Panda says
and I quote ” Always take the higher ground ” in other words dont fall into the trap of being occused of stuff you havent done. First of all she is NOT coming back because you are too ‘ OPINIONated ” now she is coming back but when SHE is ready because now you ‘ cannot keep your word ” first its this… then its that ..YEAH trusturgut is right my friend …DONT 2nd Guess yourself ” dont get roped into believing its all YOUR fault again. I told you before ‘Play the Game ‘
Say what u mean ‘ mean what u say ‘ Bipolar holds onto perceived wrongs to use against you , its the old ‘Standby emergency kit ‘ to quote PANDA again.
Stay in control of your emotions Raan . Its the old saying dont give her any annunition to use against you
Trusturgut I like you have been blamed for insidious stuff I had no idea what he was talking about . I too was called a liar, cheat, even a thief !! he made me out to be the devil and I had done nothing wrong, 2nd guessing my behaviour to the point I started to seriously doubt myself to the point where it was affecting my confidence at work. Bullshit stuff that he would bring up ( usually in a public place ) & want to have an argument about this perceived wrong. He would start yelling in the cafe & people would be staring at us , I would want to disappear into the chair , it would get worse until I would just say am going to the LOO & piss off down the street , catch a cab home & LOCK the doors. Once I got home I knew he wouldnt harrass me there cause my sons were there & he was scared of them .
But i couldnt imagine being one on one at home with them alone. F.n scary . he even chased me one night along the beach cause he wanted to argue with me & I tried to get away …but I couldnt run fast enuff , I just got to my car & started it to drive away just in time , & he then walked straight out into the path of a bus going by to try & kill himself. thankgod the bus stopped with a horn & a screach , but I drove off anyway . TRUST thankgod we got away from their lunacy cause we may not be here to tell the story …
Scary Stuff from Bittersweet
I am having a very rough night. I have to return my 2 1/2 year old daughter tomorrow back to her mom 3 hours away. it has been wonderful, and it makes me sad as well.
My BP woman terri has not called me yesterday nor today to set up plans for Sophie’s return, but did mention on Wednesday at 1:30 am call that I could just bring her back on Sunday when I told her that I was coming up on Saturday. This is strange as terri usually likes me to get a room up there and spend the night with her and the kids. I DID tell her I was pretty broke, so maybe that’s why she isn’t wanting me up there saturday-who knows.
My fear THIS evening, and I know I should not think this way, but I called at 7 pm tonight and terri was not in. her brother is at her Mom’s staying for a short period of time…perhaps terri and the kids went back to her friends beat up trailer to stay because of such cramped corners…I don’t know. Anyway, her Bro told me that he didn’t know where she was at 7…and at 10:30 I texted her Mom’s phone asking if terri was there and could someone get terri the message that I needed to talk with her tonight so I could make arrangements tomorrow to return sophie. All I got back was a text saying “she’s not here” –
it’s after 1 in the morning…still no call.
I guess I am bugging out because I’m thinking that terri is spending the night with some other “man”….I know…it’s pointless, but I am only human.
I am going to NOT let it bug me. I am NOT going to ask 20 questions when I talk to or see terri to drop off Sophie.
In fact, I think I am going to just drop off my daughter and simply leave after telling the boys I love them and smiling at terri and just say “bye” cheerfully.
She’s probably going to trip out. I usually am very into taking everyone out, giving terri a passionate kiss, etc…
I am tired of all the subterfuge, games, lies, being kept on the dark, goaded, played, and kept at arms length. particularly the “we ARE getting back together, but I don’t know when and it isn’t soon” crap she keeps telling me.
While I truly adore this woman normally, this Mr. Hyde she has turned into for 6 weeks now is trying my patience.
ANY SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE?
I COULD USE SOME ADVICE…I AM NOT THINKING THE CLEAREST TONIGHT AND DO NOT WANT TO BLOW ANY CHANCES OF GETTING HER AND THE KIDS HOME ASAP SO I CAN GET HER TO AGREE TO WANT TO SEE THE DOC ON HER OWN – GET HER BACK ON THE MEDS, AND GET OUR FAMILY STRAIGHT BEFORE MORE COLLATERAL DAMAGE IS DONE.
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP
hello Raan …its tough going my friend we all know what its like.. Look just try not to get too worked up about what she is doing ? its easy to think the worst but really what can she do with 3 kids hanging off her ??
if she thinks for one moment you doubt what she is telling you then all hell will break loose. If you want her back you are doind all the right things , but please dont predict the outcome or have any expectations!!
they do not logically think like we do ..she maybe going through some type of phychosis. if she thinks you are out to get her & it doesnt take much for them to think like that then she will not be happy. just try to get some reat & try the best you can to offer assistance where necessary, repeat the same things even if she gets agitated just keep sayiong the same things ” I can help you with the kids ‘etc etc even tho u may feel as nothing is working just be patient she will come good
cheers from Bittersweet
Good Morning Raan,
I feel your sadness around your daughter. Please let that feeling motivate you to get proactive regarding getting some legal agreement in place for you and Sophie!!
Here’s what jumped out at me.
On Sunday you are supposed to pack up your 2 1/2 year old daughter in the car and drive her 3 hours away…To Where? You Do Not know!…At What Time? You Do Not Know!… When Are You Going To Be Able To See Her Again? You Do Not Know!…And What Is The Mental State Of Your Daughters Care Taker? You Do Not Know!
Does any of this even sound rational to you? Adults who have children especially very small, young children HAVE TO COMMUNICATE with ea other. In order to make decisions, make plans, and corridinate things for this little persons well being.
Your supposed to just go on a road trip and drive around town until you find her so you can than drop off your daughter to her mother?? I Dont Think So, Raan!! The very nature of being a parent requires some modicum of predictibility, reliability and dependability from caretaker to caretaker and from caretaker(s) to child. Please think about this as you are trying to track her down today, as I know you wll. What if something serious were to happen while Sophie is in your care(I.e., a fall or she gets sick)? Do you even have a legal right to authorize treatment? Or at this point do you have a reliable way to track down her mother to let her know as would be the responsible thing to do or would you have to call and text several phones and just pray that someone responds and than is willing or able to hunt her ass down again to give her the news about her child. It’s maddening if you really put it in perspective and think it all the way through.
I know your guts are being torn out because you didn’t hear from her and are scaring yourself with the prospect of her being with another man. But those feelings will still be there after you get your ducks in a row regarding Sophie. You need to be able to get ahold of her Period! You need to be able to set up drop off and pick up times and locations etc. All the normal things involved between two parents that are Currently raising a child apart from ea other. Frankly it should be easier not harder in today’s day and age Because We all Have Cell Phones…
So No I wouldn’t bust her chops about where she’s been and who she’s been with. But I would have a serious conversation about not being able to get ahold of her and the importance of why that IS necessary.
Cont’d
THANKS FOLKS.
BITTERSWEET, I UNDERSTAND.
TRUSTURGUT, SHE HAS HER CELL STOLEN AT THE CRAKHEAD HOUSE FROM THE CRACKHEADS BROTHER A WEEK OR TWO AGO, SO UNLESS I BUY TERRI A NEW CELL, ALL I CAN DO NOW IS CALL HER MOM’S INSTEAD.I DO KNOW WHERE HER MOM LIVES. TRUE…IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM WHATSOEVER IN GETTING A HOLD OF TERRI. I BELIEVE LAST NIGHT IS HER BROTHERS DOING. HE’S LIKE THAT.
IT’S ALSO PROBABLE THAT SINCE I HAVE SOPHIE, THAT THE BOYS SPENT THE NIGHT AT TERRI’S MOM’S AND TERRI WAS OUT ONE LAST NIGHT GETTING SOME OR RESTING AT HER FRIENDS TRAILER BEFORE HAVING TO WATCH 3 LIL ONES AGAIN. YOU ARE CORRECT ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO GET IN CONTACT WITH TERRI IF THERE IS AN EMERGENCY OR WHATEVER. I WONDER WHY ALL THE SECRECY LAST NIGHT.
IF I DRIVE UP THERE TODAY OR TOMORROW, I AM CERTAIN THAT SOMEONE WILL BE AT HER MOM’S AND THAT WHOEVER IS THERE WILL TAKE SOPHIE OFF MY HANDS IF TERRI IS NOT THERE. I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS, BUT I AM DEALING WITH A MANIC BP….I AM NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT REGARDING WHERE WERE YOU AT LAST NIGHT, BUT I AM GOING TO SAY THAT WHEN I NEED TO GET WITH YOU TERRI REGARDING YOUR DAUGHTER….YOU NEED TO BE AVAILABLE.
THANKS YOU TWO.
Raan cont’d
I also agree whole heartedly with Bittersweet when she says that to question Terri about anything could set her off on some tangent or rant. While they selfishly live their lives on the edge. We begin to contort our every thought an action Walking On Eggshells So As not to set them off upset them or otherwise in hopes that THEY Will Follow Through on Their Word or NOT Leave us or Come Back or Not Yell or Not Disappear or Not Lie or Not Cheat or Not Steal. When we fall in love and commit our lives and hearts show me where it says that we’ve consciously chosen to No Longer Matter. That our happiness and our well being doesn’t count anymore. Even in the cases where the afflicted one is a child adult or not, like in Audre’s situation the non bp parent has a right but also an obligation to find a way to live, produce self happiness and not get sucked into the crap generated by the bp. Because otherwise it just turns into a plague and an epidemic and everyone connected with this person goes down with the proverbial ship All In The Name Of Love! I throw the bullshit flag on the this one because than we all become ineffective in our lives and the bp’s lives. We can love without drowning. We can learn to love without giving ourselves over to the unending and unyeilding emotional blackmail.
‘WE WILL GET BACK TOGETHER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHEN AND IT WONT BE SOON’???
do you feel like a slab of meat on a hook? Is she supposed to get brownie points for honesty on that one? Thanks for sharing…I’ll let YOU know if I’m available or still interested when you decide to grace your presence back into My Life!
Help her as the coparent of your daughter because your daughter deserves the best parents that she can get. But until she decides to become an active participant in her own health and management of her disorder, life and condition it’s obsurd to allow her to try to control or run the show regarding your relationship. Otherwise you become a co-conspirator to your unsatisfactory relationship. Demand and require and want more, bigger, better for yourself! It’s hard. It’s incredibly lonely and confusing and not to be taken lightly. But if you do not deem yourself important in your own life than you just wait for your emotional capture to return. Be the best role model for Sophie that you can be. This is not giving up but reprioritizing either temporarily or permanently. But nonetheless necessary.
With Peace, T
Oh Raan,
Careful Not to Allow this crap to become your new normal!
Oh this incident is not as bad as the last one so I’m not going to pay as much attention to it, generally speaking.
So the cell phone being stolen is what? Just collateral damage of her current condition and mindset and mood disorder and the ppl that she is associating herself with?!? Was it yours? Did you pay for it? Was it in your name? Is the contract under your name? If yes to any of the above did anyone consider calling the police and report the theft?? If no and all the above is in her name only…did she even consider calling the police to report it stolen. Because of all the emotional connections ppl forget or never even consider this stuff. Myself included. Again another reason why I applaud you for reaching out so often and every step if the way. I never involved the authorities for any reason because I was afraid. Afraid of the repercussions from wherever they may have come or afraid that I would ultimately open up a can of worms that would make her go away or get into trouble or whatever(in my case when she was engaging in threats). We need objective outside eyes, ears and input. No we can not think clearly, no we can not always see the forest through the trees.
There’s been a theft and no one reported it. Normal, clear thinking, rational and not victim to
their emotions type ppl take appropriate action.
We are the other hand begin to compare negative to negative, lose sight of our standards and turn a blind eye to that which is not ok. Right away(as it’s probably long gone now) bring the f’n phone back or I’m calling the cops. You don’t get to steal from me. If it’s yours u get to say that and if it’s hers than she should have said that! The circumstances and the details don’t matter and we want to make them matter!
Keep truckin, Raan,
Peace, T
And Raan you ask why all the secrecy about last night?? The devil is in the details. What you need to know and focus on is the fact that there is Secrecy Period! Secrecy is not necessary-don’t chose it for your life. And if her family is complicit or enabler any part of this. Shame on them but more importantly conciously add that knowledge to your decision making and recognize the lack of support or compassion for you. Not to mention that they are keeping her whereabouts a secret and you have their grandchild/niece at your house. See how she’s off doing whatever with whomever she wants to do while all the other people directly involved with her in some way are now acting according to her wishes and possibly against their own better judgement. Again these are the insidious things that somehow fail to hit our radar screen.
You can become or maintain the best of who you are in the face of most anything. I’m sorry that your partner is sick and manic and absent and hanging out with a questionable crowd from time to to time and that you are hurting and going through all of this. But maintain your sense of self the best you can every single day.
Peace, T
yes go Trusturgut…just wanted to add , from my personal experience with my EX BP , that there were times when things would go WRONG again & because of the drama associated with drawing attention to the obvious I let ‘ the obvious slip by ‘ then without warning I was occuser of being the neglectful enabler who did nothing to delineate the action or process to avoid the outcome
Or the complete Opposite …if I did draw attention to the obvious blunder he has made then I was police always nitpicking about things that noone noticed or mattered
For eg..one day we were driving ( my car ) & I noticed something unusual ( wont elaborate ) because of how simple it was but I made a simple comment about another car & what they had done to the car. He used that comment repeatedly for months on end to basically put me down when he needed , he called me the ‘expert’ on everything & continued to degrade me in this manner about this issue for months & months. then i would seek refuge away from the abuse so as not to fight back & until he let go of that topic say 6 weeks absence , no contact at all from him & I would just wait until he came good & finally let it go. BUT it was ok for him to denegrade something or someone without having any second thought. Soooo after a while I would not comment on anything like this issue again for fear ‘ walking on broken glass’ LOL then he would draw to my attention that I was becoming slack in my comments about anything obvious & that would start a whole new tirade …so I became like dammed if you do & dammed if u dont WTF is that warped shit they try to bring you down with. In fact I now know that whoever he is having a relationship with at this very moment the gloss wears off & they would now be the enermy , it happens time & time over
he meets them & sweeps them with charm & manners & within a few months he starts to flaw them out. you just know whoever & whatever they are doing it ultimately comes undone …usually that is when you are looking your best when they are familiar with whoever & contempt has set in. God help the poor new victim who is scratching their head saying ‘ what the hell did I do ??
cheers Trusturgut & good luck Raan from Bittersweet.
cont..
another example ..at my work I wear black pants & not dresses mainly because im continually on the go & if i wear dresses I have to wear pointy shoes to match & because i walk a lot each day I choose to wear pants so I can wear comforable walking shoes. I do wear dresses but usually on the weekend . he never commented on how I looked or even like most partners that so 7 so looks good on you or that outfit looks spunky etc etc..then one day out of the blu he says to me ‘why dont you ever wear dresses to work ‘ ( SET ME UP ) ..STUPID me instead of saying ‘ mind your own business’ goes into the long drawn out explanation of my ballet feet & how the pants are better because I can wear comfy shoes..( JUSTIFYING MY ACTIONS )then this becomes the FLAW comments that he proceeds to harp on & get angrier & angrier at me because I dont wear dresses to work ! it gets twisted into some warped comments ( HAS ME 2ND GUESSING MYSELF ) so I then wear a dress to work & my feet are crippled at the end of the day. Then this is turned into ‘ I am a LIAR because I said I never wear dresses for the shoe reason NOW I am wearing dresses because I want to annoy him & show him up ??? Its like WTF was that all about when if I had of set my boundaries in the very first instance & said ‘ you worry about yourself & I will worry about me ‘ then none of that trivial bs would have happened & I would have just been living my normal life wearing my pants with my comfy shoes ..
its absolutely amazing how they SET U UP to DROP U ON YOUR ASS everytime ..Just like playing CHESS’
regards from Bittersweet’
Wow Bittersweet you are so right. i too would justify my every action. i too was told about the way i dress, how dare they!!! they put us down to make themselves ffel better, and you are right they are always looking for something better, mine once said ‘well maybe you are what i’m looking for and maybe you do love me?’. omg and he used to say you deserve better than me too, and he used to play this song called runaway, and the words said i know i wil hurt you, oh how true that was. wish i’d took notice the first time he ever played it. He used to take the micky out of my voice, what i wore the things i said and i still tried to justify myself, why oh why do we do that?? yes they will find a new victim always and sometimes not even for sex, sex is just a tool, its admiration and adoration they want i think, mine moved a lesbian in with him while he told me he couldnt live with anyone and although they were just friends he said , he would then tell me that he thought she was in love wiht him and wasnt a true lesbian which left me wondering had something gone on between the pair of them, he also kept the two of us away from each other, i called round one day and he said i couldnt come in as she wasnt very well, and then i saw her outside in the garden, none of it made sense, he’d said nasty things about me to her and vice versa, which made sure we werent about to have a conversation about him, very weird i’d say. but she didnt last long either, he got bored of her before you know it, just like i said he would. he spent more time with her when we were together and when i mentioned this he told me i was jealous and possessive huh??? oh how we learn eh?? xxxxx
i AM OUT THE DOOR, BUT i JUST GOT BACK FROM AN ALL DAY DRIVE DROPPING OFF SOPHIE….I WILL SAY THIS FOR NOW AND ELABORATE LATER.
I TOLD TERRI THAT I AM DONE WAITING AND BEING KEPT ON A HOOK WITH REGARDS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP AND IT BEING JUST OUT OF MY REACH. I SAID I AM TIRED OF WAITING FOR???? AND THAT I AM MOVING ON. SHE TOLD ME SHE HAS BEEN EXPECTING THIS AND HAS ALREADY PREPARED HERSELF FOR THIS….I SAY SHE MADE THIS HAPPEN SO SHE CAN NOT BE THE BAD GUY. SHE TOLD ME REPEATEDLY THAT SHE WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME AND THAT SHE JUSY FOUND OUT HER MOM HAS COLON CANCER AND THAT IS WHY SHE IS STAYING UP THERE.
SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT I DESERVE A BETTER WOMAN THAN HER (LOW SELF ESTEEM- ALSO WHY SHE IS CHASING A CRACKHEAD IN PRISON VS. ME….SELF LOATHING)
i HAVE TO GO….LATER MORE
OH YEAH…SHE ALSO SAID THAT SHE HAS BEEN UNHAPPY SINCE JANUARY AND THAT SHE DID WHAT SHE DID THEN NOT BECAUSE OF THE MEDS BUT WAS AWARE OF IT…FUNNY. WHEN SHE CAME BACK IN JANUARY, SHE TOLD ME ONE DAY SHE WOKE UP AND SAID “WHO ARE YOU TO THE CRACKHEAD” AND HE SAID i AM YOUR HUSBAND….SHE SAID NO YOU ARE NOT…RAAN IS….
NOW SHE CLAIMS SHE WAS IN HER RIGHT MIND ALL ALONG.
QUESTION?
SHE SEEMED PRETTY LUCID TODAY…I MEAN NOT THE TERRI I KNOW AHD LOVE, BUT SEEMED FINE. CAN SHE BE MANIC AND “SEEM” FINE AND IT REALLY BE SHE IS OFF HER ROCKER? IT SEEMED TODAY LIKE SHE REALLY BELIEVES THAT I MADE HER UNHAPPY ALL THIS YEAR AND SHE JUST GOT TIRED OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND LEFT IN HER RIGHT MIND…I KNOW…TOO MANY STORIES CHANGE, TOO MANY ODD BEHAVIOURS, BUT IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SHE IS BIPOLAR AND I MESSED UP AND THAT SHE ISN’T MANIC?
I REALLY DON’T THINK SO…BUT I AM CURIOUS….HAS HER BEHAVIOURS I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU FOLKS ABOUT PROVE IT IS PURE MANIA? IS IT POSSIBLE SHE WAS JUST UNHAPPY AND JUST “LEFT ON HER OWN ACCORD?”
I DOUBT IT, BUT WOULD LOVE SOME INPUT…I AM DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW, AND AM DOUBTING MY OWN LOGIC AND MIND….
SOMEONE STRAIGHTEN ME OUT PLEASE…
DID I DO THE RIGHT THING TODAY???
MORE LATER
yes raan u did the right thing today…it just wont matter to her whether you have too much integrity or not she has something else that interests her projections of herself and you are not the icecream flavour she wants to choose.
hey I cannot tell u how many times ive heard the old ” i will always love u crap’ its kind like a replacement for I am bored with u today ! Bipolar or not, people can change their minds about who they love , thats a fair comment am sure you would agree,…am sure you have known people who have fallen out of love ?? the difference is with a BP u dont see it coming!!
If you keep trying to figure it all out, u will go crazy.
read my posts above it can be east..west..north…south
just depends on the day . AND yes they can seem normal when phychosis stikes …usually they are a step ahead of you in that way. Lets not forget you are the innocent victim here. Who is now being TOLD her mum has Colon Cancer …well that may be true , but why has not this been mentioned before.
am really sorry to say that when I told u earlier on STOP trying to figure her out & START trying to help your PAIN , depression , anger whatever comes for you !
Raan I hope this helps , from bittersweet
cont.. AS FOR THE SELF LOATHING CRAP, & THEIR LOW SELF ESTEEM ..I used to believe all that hogwash!
but now I can clearly define it for what it is.
An excuse for them to behave badly , treat u like shit ..because they decide they are bored with u & your support ..U DESERVE BETTER THAN ME is really a projection of herself I DESERVE better than this.
They get bored with you because they dont see through their own eyes the love u have for them ..WHY because they always want something better than what they have.
They dont know what the f..k it is but they want something else & will look for an opportunity in another that satisfies some desire in them. This then allows them to f..k anybody they like without feeling any sense of remorse for you because they just tell them selves u dont love them anyway and they tell them selves that they need MORE ATTENTION u r too familiar to them & this becomes non challenging.
hope this helps from Bittersweet
BITTERSWEET,
You think that she just got bored of me plain and simple?
Is this “manic” phase something that the BP’s come out of eventually and if and when that happens, is she likely to try and come back? I have never has this much of a problem with her. In the January episode, it just lasted about a month, then three more weeks to get her to finally come home and want to stay…work on the meds….and committed again as the 3 years before were.
I dragged my feet marrying this woman, and it was somewhat of an issue with her. I had good reason to hold off and she understood them, but when the January thing happened back earlier this year, her first statement out of her MANIC mouth {when I found out she married a man in 24 hours of seeing him….}
“YOU weren’t EVER going to marry me!!!!” (sarcastically said and with vengeful bitterness)
Funny thing today when she told me that she has been so unhappy since January. Her friend Jess (where she stays at now in their beat up ghetto trailer -which is magically VERY furnished now – amazing- tv, multi-media center for tv, dressers, bedframes, coffee table, etc….she didn’t invite me in, but I saw this from the door…anyway…Her friend Jessica asked her this easter one on one with her does terri Love me or just you know, love me (ehh)…she imediately responded with certainty how she is madly and totally in love with me.
So…today when she told me that she has been unhappy in our relationship ALL this year since january, AND CLAIMS SHE TOLD ME OVER and OVER she was unhappy…
WOW. I replied, terri…if you EVER told me that you were unhappy, I would have done something about it…IN FACT, ALL you ever told me was how totally and completely happy you were/are and that I am the perfect man that completes her, etc….
I know…people fall out of love ALL the time. I guess my biggest frustration with this aspect is that I KNOW just how wonderful and mutually satisfying this relationship was/is…It COULD be her “normal” in her right mind doing this and this has NOTHING to do with her being Bipolar???
SO MANY people on this forum have such similar stories about their manipulative BP mates. Infidelity, breaking up and blaming for what appears NO good reason…
I guess I am confused by all of this because I have NEVER seen terri do this – january was a lot less severe I think.
How can she just say 5to me today…so casually…after I said I have moved on…she said…that’s fine…we’re NOT getting back together…I just got told a few DAYS ago…we DEFINITELY are getting back together but when? and it’s not soon….
DOES A NON-BP BEHAVE THIS WAY WHEN IN 4 YEARS I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR FROM HER?
IS THIS CLASSIC BP MANIA or not??? I read from Bittersweet/trusturgut this type of behavior and it seems in their cases, it NEVER stops happening once they start behaving this way…is this how it is going to be from here on??? YIKES!
She looked like H3ll today…and not very happy. I dare say that she seemed miserable. Her Mom with certainty DOES have colon cancer diagnosis in the last few days. Her Mom and Step Dad showed up after I arrived and I could hear some whispers between them about it, and Her dad told me some stuff that Terri already secretly told me that matched…I believe it.
While this may or may NOT be why terri isn’t budging in coming home???
get THIS!!!
Earlier this week I found out today, Terri met some old couple that I guess helped with her moving stuff in the new ghetto trailer….He offered to pay for the gas if Terri would drive this couple to PENNSILVANIA. it is about 500 mles away. terri wanted to go see the crackhead who is NOW in PRISON for 16 months I think.She took our middle boy and drove up there. When they arrived in the state, the old man went into wal-mart by himself and DITCHED his Girlfriend, terri and our son. I guess he wanted a ride up there and wasn’t interested in going back. terri was STRANDED!!! She had to call her Mom and have Mom wire her money to get back home, and never got to see the crackhead either. KARMA????
You know…I am SO damned depressed right now. I feel as if she is NEVER coming back now…it seems like this was the END today. I felt closure.
I THOUGHT that by telling her that I am moving on, she might just get scared of losing what she has been keeping on the backburner, but now…I think it’s worse…
I don;t really want to move on. I want this woman back in my life so very much…the kids too.
Should I give up hope? Any chance by doing what I did today, that it might just make her realise what she lost and motivate her to return?
I am screwed up emotionally right now.
I want to drive back up there and spend the night, talk with her and hold hands and kiss-all night.
GRRR>
I suppose NO CONTACT is in order for this tactic to be at all effective, eh? IF she loves me…she will come back ?? I’m scared.
Raan ….there is no rule book my friend . All u can do is your best to achieve an outcome which hopefully will be in your favour. Im not terribly comfortable telling you either that terri is bored with you ..am telling you how I experienced it from my side of the fence with my EX BP. I thought if i told it to you from my perspective it may help your confusion
If you want to go back to her up there & talk to her,you do that …if you think thats what will work for you.
Unfortunately no one can predict the outcome, only you by pulling her back, will she make her decision one way or the other …if thats what you think will work .
you must know her well enough by now. From my experience they do come back , but only when it suites them primarily . If you are prepared to play the waiting game for this women ..it may pay off for you, patience is the key word. its understandable to be scared,..
cheers raan from bittersweet
Good morning Raan and Bittersweet,
Bittersweet, the same exact things
that jumped out at you in Raan’s last post caught my attn too.
I actually have old text that say ‘Boo I love you so much when I came back to find you I only hoped and prayed that we could have another chance. I grew while I was away and have such a big heart and so much love to give’ and than another one ‘i don’t know how I finally got u but I’m so thankful tht I did. I guess I’m just filled with such self hate and loathing that I still look to other ppl to make me feel good. I’m sorry. Becuz I still don’t think tht anyone would really want to be with me. ‘ that was written after the cheating was revealed. When we were together in our 20′s, now both in our 40′s, all I knew was tht she had a cheating and pot smoking problem. I have since learned tht she was sceaming and scamming back than too only to a much lesser degree. Over the past 17 years that she had been gone I’ve now been told that she had a few good years here and there but over all things have gotten much worse. She got more violent, more irradict and irrational more deeply into drugs and criminal activity etc. And along the way she also got her law degree which I was so proud of her for at first. But what that has proven to do is only make her more arrogant and self righteous during her tirades becuz now she quotes the law too. I believed she both loved and hated the fact that I was intelligent. Most of whom she was attracted to were those that she deemed intellectually inferior to her. Sound Familiar Raan?? Becuz she quit school in the 9tj grade. Not because she wasn’t smart but becuz her softball coach pissed her off and wouldn’t let her play if she didn’t quit smoking ciggarettes. But that was than. She locked into or rather prayed on those that she thought she could control, help get well or tht were in trouble and than control, or tht she thought were not into her at all so than she fixated on conquering them and than would try to tear them down after the fact. In these later years, she sought out and researched those generally that were already in relationships tht weren’t going so well but where there was money involved. She would constantly talk about how she is not a home wrecker! She hated that! Because these ppl myself included were already unhappy in there current relationships so they didn’t break up becuz of her!! Seriously why would she care about adding that to her resume’ she was already an abusive, drug addict, thief, cheater and so on…but i do agree on one front she’s not a home wrecker but a Whole Life Wrecker! Also she failed to mention when she came back into my life that she is currently up against disbarrement. But I don’t know how that turned out.
Cont’d
Cont’d
the other thing Raan, that stood out for me, Just As It did for Bittersweet was the news about her mother! Not that she is or is not sick But The Fact That This Is Just Being Mentioned Now!!! Pull her covers Raan! As I’ve said before everything gets called into question. She has done that to herself. Call mom tell her that you heard the news and that no matter what ever happens between you and Terri that she will always be Sophies grandmother, and that you care and wish her well in her struggles.
So No you didn’t do a thing wrong in any of this. Bp or not bp terri has been playing a very unnecessary, secretive and underhanded game. Yes you deserve better. Yes you deserve a healthy and happy life filled with love and honesty. Don’t drag this settlement stuff out regarding Sophie, Raan. Document everything and get everything in writing. If Terri is going to choose to consider herself only worthy of crack addicts than that comes with it’s own set of problems that u are going to need to look out for and keep tabs on. That Lifestyle Will Negatively Effect YOUR Daughter period!
I remember when my bp first told me about her best friend of 25 years, molesting her daughter…my first reaction was the same as everyone elses. Why isn’t that creepy scumbag not in jail?!? She spun such a good story. He pays their rent, all their therapy bills, they are on his insurance, he makes sure that they always have reliable transportation and the f’n list goes on. She said that if he steps out of line or denies her anything that he will go down! As I began to reveal this story to others in my life in the beginning, ppl’s reactions were initially the same as mine, why isn’t he in jail?! And ea and everytime I would tell them what she told me and how when I first heard that I thought and said the same exact thing. Some would just get quiet and shake their heads and Many would say to
me ‘Do You Realize That That is Extortion!!’ at one point I contacted an old and older very wise friend of us all that also had stayed in contact periodically throughout the yrs with my bp. I told her that my bp had come back into my life. As I began to tell her some of the things that had been going on up until that point she got real quiet. And than she said to me that she had accused this same person of the same thing a year and a half prior to when she told me that it took place. I was stunned! In addition I know that her daughter now 5 has said a few times that Uncle so n so didn’t do anything where did he go? To which bp responds by saying, Really that’s not what I heard. Even her daughters therapist has said that regardless of what happened she isn’t plagued by it now.
Whew can’t even remember why that story came from other than maybe to highlight the lengths that some will go to lie and get what they want.
Peace, trust
Bittersweet and Michelle,
oh the critical stuff. Used to take my breath away. And that was just regarding the things that would be directed towards me personally. Truthfully the things that I have heard about that were said behind my back was the stuff that really chipped away at my heart. The shit was silly but oh so degrading I truly had know idea that really ppl could actually say let alone think up such crap sans in a bad Lifetime television movie. But in particular my bp had issues around weight she didn’t have a wait problem but was seemingly attracted to those that had some meat on their bones. That was me went we first started spending time together. But due to the stress of my divorce and than in real short order the constant sickening stress induced by my bp I dropped 40 lbs fast. I hadn’t been down to my fighting weight in 15 years. This was a complete turn off to her. Do you know that I actually made it my mission to pack back on the pounds so that she would be attracted to me. It wouldn’t happen so I took my self to the doctor because I was concerned that something was really wrong! The doctor looked at me and said well I know why it happened but you are the optimum weight now what is the problem. He ram a bunch of tests and everything was fine. Since I’ve been back with my family I’ve put back on 15 lbs. Yes it was all stress.
Michelle, the keeping ppl separate from ea other is truly classic isn’t it? Once a few of us began to share and compare notes We All Became Liars and Out to Destroy her! I say Look In The Mirror Lady because I Think You just verbalized Your Own Biography! If I ever had the inclination that’s what I would say to her.
This is all very helpful to me still… I don’t want to live my life according to all that happened forever but I still can’t sleep well and wake up with my head going a million miles a minute by all that is still happening with my divorce and most of it being because of the acts and actions of my bp. So being able to relate, put into perspective and tell myself the truth of the situation keeps me away and helps clear out the cobwebs. Some days I miss them both greatly and some days I want her to know what the F she’s done to my life!!!
Peace, Trusturgut
hi guys, sorry about the long post, but its off an e mail i got when i signed up for a news letter on tears and healing, the website is well worth a look. how true all this is .
M xxx
Is He/She Abusive?- You’re not Crazy. Learn the disease. Stop the abuse.
Are you being abused? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Abusers work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is abuse? Is it someone who hits you to get what they want? Sometimes, mostly not! Ask yourself this: does your partner hurt you repeatedly? Does he or she do it to satisfy their own emotional needs, or because they’re out of control? Does she or he use the situation to lock you in so you have to tolerate it, or make a huge sacrifice to get away? If you see this dynamic in your relationship, you are being abused. The hurt of abuse can come in many ways, including physical attacks, verbal attacks, sexual attacks, withholding things we need including affection, sex, money, or contact with friends and family.
You’re not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Abusive behavior isn’t normal. It is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy – technically called antisocial personality disorder. People who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can’t deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. “I’m not a narcissist. You’re the crazy one.” Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It’s your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah…
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO’s (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.
What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders – narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder – have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don’t see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
Abuse is a behavior, not a disease. But abuse is caused by an underlying disease. Healthy people might occasionally lose their temper, leading to an outburst, but a consistent pattern of hurtful abuse can only be the result of a deeper problem. I help a lot of people come to grips with their hurtful situations, just as I had to come to grips with mine. At first, I thought the problem I faced was verbal abuse, and that’s how I first starting finding help. But in my situation, like most, the verbal abuse was only one part of a bigger and more serious situation.
Abusive behavior isn’t normal. It is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy – technically called antisocial personality disorder. Understanding what is going on in an abusive situation requires understanding these disorders. This connection leads to what we sometimes call the “light bulb effect”, where long-standing confusion and hurt suddenly opens up to an insight – and the first steps to protecting ourselves and to healing.
My own healing process started the day I searched for “verbal abuse” on the internet. My own discoveries and healing process unfolded over time in writing, and this today is my book, Tears and Healing. Tears and Healing, now in its third printing, has helped thousands of people to deal with their abusive situations, both present and past.
Now that I spend a good deal of my time helping others, I consult with people by phone. Often, a good part of my time is devoted to explaining the underlying disorders people face: narcissism, borderline, and sociopath. I don’t rely so much on the technical definitions of these illnesses. There are lots of pages that offer these on the internet, and they can be overwhelming and confusing.
Instead I prefer to describe an underlying dynamic or driving force that motivates these ill people. After explaining this many times, I wrote Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use – so painfully common among them – compounds these disordered patterns.
I consider Meaning from Madness to be an essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph. Though the actions of abusers make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. Most abusers live with intense and terrifying fears. Events which are insignificant to normal people might trigger these fears in abusers, unleashing powerful and brutal actions on their part, unconsciously intended to reduce their fear. The intent may be to control another person, to discredit someone who seems to be criticizing the abuser, or to keep someone from leaving (abandoning) the abuser.
Stopping the hurt; Healing the Damage –
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Because abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
Maybe one day when I’m feeling stronger emotionally again and back on my feet financially I will tell her the truth of what she has done to me and so many others. With any luck though, when that time comes I won’t give a shit enough to do so.
Right now the text in my head sounds like ‘whenever and should you ever get well WE need to talk!’
But on the flip side I think if she were to ever reach out to me now for any reason my response would be ‘Never Again! You have Done Enough Damage For One Lifetime!!!!!’
so because I still vacillate back and forth and still feel moments of misguided vulnerability I do nothing and just have my guts twist.
I had a good integral life with really good friends and I was a well respected member of my community. Yes I was lonely in my marriage and I became a cliche’ with respects to giving myself over to some attention. I’ve taken full responsibilty for that to all who will listen. But the truth is that my bp had done her research on me and the status of my marriage before she ever contacted me. Evidently I was one of three others that she was working on at the time. I was just the fool that took the bait because of how we left things 17 yrs ago. I never technically cheated or had any physical contact with her until I was locked out of my home. I doubt even that would’ve ever happened bu I found out much later on that that was because my bp was calling my home phone in the middle of the night while I was away for a few days making threats. And I was deemed comllicit in that action. I was outraged on so many levels. First why was I never informed of any of that, and secondly did everyone suddenly forget who I was?!? My partner of 15yrs changed the locks, got a lawyer, had all of my things moved into a storage unit w/o my knowledge or consent and has never spoken to me again! I frankly thought she had gone off the deep end at first! It wasn’t until this past March that I began to find out all that had been going on behind the scenes that my bp was up to! And than when my bp first flipped out on me and than my friends and some family members that I lost many of those very important ppl in my life too. I have apologized to all of them for not knowing, and for all the hurt pain and fear that I evidently was a conduit for. I have made phone calls, written texts and emails. But ppl are still just too scared and burned and pissed. See normal ppl or those that are not face to face or directly involved can see right through the machinations of the bipolar personality we get clouded by love and emotions. And although I would’ve never turned my back on all these precious ppl in my life I do understand their hurt, disappointment and pain.
Peace, trust
Aaahhh Michelle, I have missed our little research junky. Let me take the time to Thank You and express my intense gratitude for all of the articles and websites that you have shared with us along the way. This last one sucked me right in and I did not want it to end. As I was reading my head kept saying over and over. Holy crap I just said that…I just wrote that very same thing/scenario! Know that I instantly wanted to buy a hundred copies and have th delivered to my bps doorstep. Lol!!
Thanks Again what a help.
Peace, Trust
oh thankyou so much trusturgut. you have helped me a lot too. thats what we are all here for. i dont read as much as i used to it was taking up all my time and i became obsessed with it, finding the answers etc. here is another website i found helpful, i bought her book and its not all about abusive relationships but its really good and very helpful – take a peak
http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/emotional-and-physical-abuse/
have a look at the blog its got loads of stuff on xxxxx
I guess my main problem this morning as I get up is:
has all of the crap I have been relaying on here indicative of a bipolar mania or is terri just plain and simple bored and or done with us?
Does her actions and statements reflect a full blown manic BP?
Why in the world would she drive 500 miles each way to see a total loser like Timmy the crackhead after he assaulted her, stole ALL our money from the bank (1000′s in January)in two weeks, has no job, car, money,is now in prison, and offers NO support for her or the kids-but she won’t give me a rats ass time of day and try to do right by me and the kids?
AM I THAT BAD??? I was always SO loved by this woman….she idolized me almost. Things were so good for the most part always…
Do “normal/non-BP people behave like this?
IF it’s the illness, then she will eventually come back to me-that’s what I keep reading from you folks…when she is good and ready.
Just IGNORE the we will never get back together from yesterday and go about my business, eh?
I’m doing much better than earlier but,I am really feeling lousy today. I feel like it’s all over. I miss her and the kids badddd. I wonder, will she even call me? HOW can she call me since her phone got stolen a few weeks back. I guess I would have to buy her a new cell if I want to be able to talk with Sophie and/or the boys. The boys…that’s what’s really bumming me out today too. She seemed so final about her it’s over for good yesterday. She seemed like a non-BP the way that she handled things and seemed like she was totally in her right mind.
It all makes me question myself…did I make this woman unhappy-did I make this woman run away because I wronged her?
I know I dont’ believe so, deep down…but, she seemed to have convinced herself she was unhappy in the relationship since January and told me that she knew what she was doing then, and that she never thought it was wrong meds that caused this, she claimed the doctor and **I** said it was. She also claimed that she married the crackhead in her right mind..
I don’t know what I mentioned before about this, but a few weeks after she married this guy, she just woke up one day and said to Timmy…WHO are you…he told her he was her husband…she said NO YOU ARE NOT! Raan is!
Who knows what the truth is….
Onmce again…PEOPLE:
This woman I’m dealing with …IS she really sick or what? Do NORMAL people behave like she has been? I think I am starting to sound like a broken record and this is caused by the roller coaster ride I can’t seem to get off.
I guess all I can do is wait, and hope she changes her mind and comes home so we can get her straight and give our kids stability.
QUESTION : telling her that i’m moving on with regards to a BP- this generally makes them want to come back sooner when the non-BP leaves-seemingly for good???
Does this strategy usually work?
Anyone with lots more experience please reply.
Oh Raan,
You are the farthest thing from bad on any level!! Is this mania induced behavior? Probably initiated by either that or a depressive episode. In today’s day an age and in the real world couples counseling might have been where you ended up. She just up and disappears Now twice to pursue things with a crack addict that is in prison. She is the mother of three children for goodness sake! They need to be considered first even if she has to fake her way beyond her self esteem issues. And/or you sit down with your significant other and have a conversation ‘hey I think my feelings have changed or this isnt workin for me any more etc’ with some semblance of caring and compassion.
It’s normal and natural to want to figure things out, Raan. Want things to make sense out of nonsense. But there is some truth to what Bittersweet said about shifting your focus to healing. I’ll go on to add that even if you had every fact at hand right now it would be filtered through your heartbreak so it would still be fuzzy. But I know where you are at. You have your house, your job and your daughter. Get things into place as soon as possible so that you Can devote some time and attention to your healing and ultimately your future whatever that may hold.
You also mentioned that you were stolen from in January. I would venture to guess not alot was done about that. Again ask your self why? The good news here is that karma took over and he is doing some time even if it is not directly related to that situation.
Things will become clearer my friend. I promise.
I have some things to take care of today…
Peace, Trustirgut
Yes Raan, unfortunately she IS sick, its very important that you never let her throw you into a tizz, they love that, they love it if we shout at them and call them names, they love us being on the drama triangle, so please stay off it, do not even make comment!! – about anything!!!! I reckon she dissociates a lot, please read up on it, if you cannot find anything then let me know and i’ll mail some sites for you. Basically i reckon when she married this guy then she wasnt herself she was an alter ego, and mine did that, and the best book i read about it, to understand was ‘today i am alice’ .
My guess is she had a s**t upbringing and there is something she is hiding and not telling you about, and the only thing you can do is, and i mean if you want to stay with her which it sounds like you do, is to make her feel safe in your company, and make sure that she does feel safe, and that means dont take bullshit, have firm boundaries, and state those boundaries, what you will and will not put up with and have consequences for anyone crossing them, do not give or lend her money, show her you are strong and a man of your word, read all you can about weak boundaries, this one was hard for me to get my head around, panda was best at telling us about these!! basically treat her as a good parent would treat a child, fairly but with integrity and proper boundaries, i’ve said over and over about boundaries, mine once hinted that i never had any and i know how important they are now!! BOUNDARIES!!!!! no matter what. and always follow through with your consequences, ie you say if you do anything illegal i will call the police no matter what, and do it, no wishy washy crap like changing your mind, they need and want someone strong. so be strong and good luck !!! xxxx
trusturgut and bittersweet,
you two in perticular have helped me in so many ways and I don’t know what I would do without your support. Thanks so much.
I am very scared today.
up until today, it was only terri telling me it’s over.
Yesterday, I told her it’s over AND I’ve moved on. I have to stick to my guns, or my word is no good. This is assuming this “takeaway” even works like I have read or have been told about in relation to how BP’s operate in general. I am not doing this sheerly to get her back, but for my own sanity as well, even though it is the LAST thing in world of what I truly want…..I WANT her and our Family home.
I guess that it doesn’t make much of a difference than where I’ve been at. I’m just more scared she won’t come back doing the I’ve moved on thing yesterday. She looked pretty well moved in to that trailer yesterday. I didn’t think she could amass all of the home stuff needed to live comfortably so quickly…someone had to hook her up with all the goodies to live….it scares me that she doesn’t need me anymore….
I worry that this is really the end. I don’t want this to be the end.
Psychologically speaking, the “takeaway” probably has the best chance to bring her back vs. trying to reason with her. She is just so unwilling to come home anytime soon, if ever.
I am guessing that one day in the “near?” future, she is just going to wake up one day…and think Oh my gawd…what have I done??? will call and say I am so sorry, will take me back, etc….
Is this usually the case with many BP’s?
Bittersweet, you have told me a few times, be patient…wait…she will probably come home when she feels like it, but will probably come back.
Christmas and the holidays are coming…she is going to really need money to give the kids anything whatsoever…I am wondering if she is so stubborn in her state of mind that she will do nothing for them…or try and return to give the kids a good Christams?? I know….don’t worry about that stuff.
I keep telling myself…it’s going to be okay…she is going to come home…..i am starting to doubt it…it’s been almost two months! I think she is more reluctant than ever at this point. Is she ever going to come to her senses soon? I read somewhere a BP woman wrote on a forum that she was manic for 8 months…destroyed her relationahip, marriage, house, job, etc….
This isn’t typical is it??? I read average episodes run a few weeks to months and one site I visited did studies and came up with an average episode lasts 13 weeks.
Maybe telling her I moved on and NOT getting any reaction out of her surprised me a bit…but for all I know, it’s bothering her even at this minute. Perhaps she is so emotionally F’ed up that it is something that’s she’s even thinking about either.
At least where she is living at right now, the Family that owns the property…they will without a doubt call me right away if something is wrong with terri or if the kids are not being taken care of.
Let her go, eh? If she truly loves me then she will come back to me?
That only applies to “normal” brains, doesn’t it?
Raan
This is lost and found.. My situation was the same as yours..I am 47 she was 37. I had my own two kids and she has her two kids.. Only diffrence is we did not marry. I saw the changes taking place.. She started off telling me about her reluctence towards moving. I told her she dont have to. She told me I want to marry her..I told her I did not.. She said we are from two diffrent worlds.. I told her that I am a man and shes a woman and its ok to think diffrent from me..The game went on and on..Her move my counter move.. I thought I could fool BP disease and it worked for almost a month.. I thought if I can keep it up till this passed we would get through the woods.. it started to take its toll on me though and in february we had tons of snow. she started to set me up for another round of run away and I guess I was so tired of playing the game I let myself get cought..I asked her if she needed help shoveling the snow because she said she fell over her coffee table one night and was bruised and hurt .. I saw the marks so that much was true i guess. well long story short she did not give me a simple yes or no answer so I said screw the games its do or die..I drove in a blizzerd to her home far across the island where we live (Im north shore shes south shore) My gut told me this would be the end but I jumped into it with both feet.. I could see the nervus smile on her face and I felt the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.. she walked up to me and said with a nervus smile and clamped down tight teeth..Dont ever fucking come here un announced. I went close to her to give her a kiss on her forhead before I left and she kissed me on my lips.. I told her I was going to leave and I went to kiss her on her head again and again she stood on her tippy toes and kissed me on the lips.. I put my head down and turned and walked back out into the snow storm.. 20minutes away I recieved the first text.. it said you freaked my kids out . we cannot see each other anymore.. when I got home I recieved second text.. you freaked the kids out and you never show up un announced. my kids say they never want to see you again. Its been 8 months since I last saw her except for last week when I sort of ran into someone I think was her.. Raan she may not come back. Please prepaire for this fact. They do not always return.. Build your wall and stay tough. Life can truly suck.. And there is no garentee even with non bipolar.. the woman I have met and been with since are not to far above them.. Sure I get what I need.. But damn whats wrong with everyone these days? I wish I could meet a woman who went through what we all have and just want a drama free loving person to be with.. maybe one day. in the mean time I am kicked back and just cruising.. Be strong my bro.. if you have your daughter keep her and go to a lawer and get her for abandement.. this should enable you to keep her and maybe even get the others..if you can work and care for them? daycare? well im always around read all your postings..Raan your in good company here kid.. stay strong.. But dont count on a return..
hey Lost. michelle , trust & RAAN
Raan
am in oz , so its the start of a new day here .
have got to fly for now , but can sense your pain.
I know it goes against your grain to tell her you have moved on ! thats how we all feel , we all have been forced to move on to avoid any more humiliation & Pain.
Look say for example you say to her Yes I will be waiting for you , will support you & be here for you and the kids , Do you really think that will work .
From my experience all that does is put you on standby while she knows you are waiting she will just keep doing what she is doing.
from my experience if you tell her you are moving on & the important bit ‘ You dont keep text her or contacting her then she will start to wonder what is going on with you when she feels normal again
AND YES their appearance of normal is the drugs working they are still having an episode tho’
If you want to keep your pride in tact ‘ which will stop a lot of the pain & worry , then from my experience if they think u r getting on with your life , they eventually may decide to make contact ..IF noone else comes in their world that may interest them . ITS ALL if’s and maybe’s But really what else can you do …u sound like a very proud dad & husband ..Do u want to be brought to your knees , do u want to BEG her ? I think not!!
and it probably wont work anyway …am sorry for what is happening to you ..gotta fly From bittersweet
Bittersweet,
Your last reply to me made me understand this bipolar episode stuff a LOT better. I am pleased with your outsider looking in accessment of the situation and I could not get a better reply. It sounds like you have been there and done that regarding this BP episode stuff.
Your statement “AND YES their appearance of normal is the drugs working they are still having an episode tho’”
Wow. It’s been 7-8 weeks that she has been like this. I am guessing that the position I am in with it being over coming from me, and YES…ignore her unless it is something about the kids. Shoot, I can’t call or text her anyway because the cell I gave her got stolen. I guess I am going to have to buy her a new cheap phone for now.
Part of my crappy feeling I have had so strongly today is having no way to contact terri and the kids….except calling her Mom. Her mom is sick right now, so I can do that only when necessary as per terri. Terri said she doesn’t want me to bother her Mom (with all the stress they are under-cancer diagnosis) so try and not call Mom too often.
I think that terri is not too interested in leaving her Mom up there if she hasn’t rcvd a good prognosis. regardless of when terri finishes this manic episode, I am not certain if she will come back because she has told me yesterday that she won’t leave her mom if she hasn’t got long to live.
That’s the main reason terri is there…she can’t be away for her mom. Not for longer than 3-4 weeks. This whole year, we have been up there once or twice every month and we usually visit mom. It’s always been like this. it wasn’t a problem until her Mom up and left her husband while he was out of town (they used to live 6 miles from this house until almost a year ago)and her Mom did the same thing terri is doing right now…ran back to their hometown. So, the 3 hour each way trips started almost a year ago. Funny thing…almost about the same time terri had her first manic episode (january).
Anyway, Bittersweet, I am betting you are right on with the probabilities. I was relieved by what you wrote. I hope you are right.
On the flipside, I am doing what I told terri I am doing. I am moving on. I have a dinner date in two days. I think it will help having someone else to talk to of the opposite sex and with no mention of this BP stuff at all. Just go out and enjoy her and myself. I am not looking for anything serious. I have talked with this woman several times and she’s great. I think we will have a good time.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I miss my children…I miss Sophie really really bad. Terri too. Such emptiness and sadness is inside me. My heart aches.
I want at least my Sophie back. This one week visit was not even close to long enough. I want her for 1-2 months next. terri agreed.
How much longer will this damn manic episode last?????
I hope that this gets easier. I am drained.
I thank you bittersweet and trust, etc…Tomorrow will be a better day.
Don’t borderlines and BP’s both “idolize” their love interests at times? This may be a factor why she is staying up there…she didn’t get to interact much with the crackhead after she split. He got picked up on two warrants right after she called and broke up with me. Could she be idolizing this crackhead since they don’t get to see each other and it’s all fantasy in her head anyway , nor remember perhaps what he did to her and I the first time???
Is she probably going to just snap out of this mania one day??? Is this how it works? Is she likely to crash when it happens? you know, go the other way? Do BP’s that behave like this just out of the blue call or show up when returning to “normal” or does it take some gentle persuading? Do they kind of just wake up one day, or is the process gradual?
If nothing else is going on and it looks like I’m gone…then she is more likely to come back sooner?
reverse Psychology eh? Is that all that has potential to work?
I hate this disorder.
Lost and found. Thanks. terri and I have been together for years and they were great. terri has only had two episodes in these years. This is the second in the last seven months and we have been adjusting her meds all year.
While I am aware that she May OR may not COME BACK, I think that she will eventually.
These three kids take both of us to remain sane. AND, it takes a lot of money to make it all work. There is not much if at all good men prospects up in this little ghetto town she is at. One of the lowest poverty levels I’ve seen out here. Terri knows I am a great daddy. I provide what we all need. She has NO resources up there. none to speak of. Holidays are coming too. I mean, this isn’t easy to find there. I am not a betting man, but I think my odds are decent considering.
I hope and pray that she does, and I think eventually she will, but I do not expect it.
Lost,
How long did you go out with this woman??? How long was the time you met until the first episode? And the second?
Raan …I can answer your question on time slots
my first episode where he left lasted one year…no contact. ( like you I was shattered & confused ) but he moved in with another women almost immediately…and she took over answering all his calls. after 1 year I caved in & contacted him , he just acted real casual & just so happened to be driving very close to where I lived at the time of my call, I suggested out of desperation of wanting to see him if he would be interested in catching up there & then …his answer NO because he couldnt go back to her & look her in the eyes & not tell her he hadnt seen me !! we were still engaged to be married.
So here is a man I was engaged to be married , had been dating for 3 years, and he was giving his loyalty to a women he had met for 6 months.
after 18months he contacted me & said he had finished with her & could come to visit me …I was agreeable but when he came back I was angry with him for the pain he had caused me so he left again and I stopped counting after 90 days of no contact.
4 years later he contacts me again & tells me I am the ‘love of his life ‘ & he has made a big mistake
Actually he was living with a women & in a relationship with her whilst he was contacting me by email & sending me all these love letters. but he chose to leave her & come running back to me…she was devastated & was ringing him every 2nd day crying.
I was more tolerant this time but still had my doubts but I did try not to QUESTION him. we were doing OK we were living together & he got a really good job …then all of a sudden after 1 month he started acting weird again ..being distant , cold, unsociable ,( a sign he was persuing someone else )
he claimed he needed his space & moved out into his own place ( recipe for trouble ) & within 1 month of being at the new job he was receiving texts messages from a women at work asking him if he wanted to spend the weekend with her ??
I did my old trick of checking his phone reluctantly because a part of me did want to trust him ..but there were the messages from her. she was a lot younger than me. So when I questioned his behaviour he knew i had been looking through his phone & became furious & he then went into a severe phychotic episode where he said things similar to ‘ I didnt trust him ‘ blah blah blah ‘another
‘ I assumed the worst about him ‘ etc etc How I couldnt be trusted , how I was a liar & that he couldnt see me anymore. but that was not the end of the relationship
he got really depressed … (really suffers badly from depression ) I tried to help him all this time he was unmedicated , so then he starts taking anti depressants & BANG within 2 weeks gone again with another women.
hope this helps ..sorry you are having so much trouble.
regards from bittersweet
Hi everyone, somehow Lost and Founds post didn’t come through on my end. Any ideas?
I am at my wits end. I am starting to think that terri just wasn’t happy with our relationship for whatever reason. it’s close to two months…shouldn’t she be back to her “normal” senses by now?
hello Raan start of another new day here.
I feel for you & having been where you are many times, have made many blunders in my so called relationship being at my wits end. One of the major blunders was ringing my ex bp & crying about how I missed him & why was he doing this to our love ?? You know what ? it didnt make any difference mate ..they do what they do !!
I know its hard but if they really did care do u think they would do this to you & the kids..? Ask yourself now How much do you love her ? Is there now starting to be a bit of Fn dont know anymore …cause really would you do this to her the way she is doing to you. YES YES we know its the illness supposedly ! but hey 6 months ago she was in love with you & everything was peaches & cream was it not ..there is no point doing this to yourself
even if you go up to wherever the hell she is ask yourself Is it going to change the outcome?? WHAT is going to change the outcome for you ? what will bring her back ?? from my experience the only thing that brought my ex back was SILENCE & no contact no ringing or texting I just tried to move on in fact I did move on even tho I still loved him & the other way was I encouraged him to come back but that didnt last & really neither did the silence..he came back when HE wanted not when I did ?? Hope this helps from bittersweet
Bittersweet,
you wrote: “YES YES we know its the illness supposedly”
IS IT REALLY? Is she behaving like a BP in a manic phase?
IS SHE REALLY THAT OUT OF IT RIGHT NOW and doesn’t know what she is doing?
Don’t normal woman behave just like this sometimes and they are not Bipolar.
My friend Tim says she knows JUST what she is doing…she was using me and when I cut back on spending, she split. I am doubtful…?
It’s been an awfully long time since she and the kids left now….7 weeks going on two months.
She is so cold to me that last visit….it was weird.
A week prior, she was all into me. Was it the fact this last trip up there that I told her I was broke? Is all she wants is my money?
She told me that she knew that this ws coming and already prepared her self when I told her I was moving on. Didn’t bat an eye, but looked very unhappy.
I am perplexed
Raan
am at work now but just wanted to say ….DONT tell her your business, the money situation etc
yes they do become COLD & uncaring…its their perceptions ..she believes u have wronged her somehow
until u set that straight she will remain tranfixed on that . I know u cant force her to return but it seems that u need to talk to her for your own sanity,so do what u can to work out what she perceives u did wrong by her …maybe u could start with that..regards Bittersweet
Bittersweet
am at work now but just wanted to say ….DONT tell her your business, the money situation etc
yes they do become COLD & uncaring…its their perceptions ..she believes u have wronged her somehow
until u set that straight she will remain tranfixed on that . I know u cant force her to return but it seems that u need to talk to her for your own sanity,so do what u can to work out what she perceives u did wrong by her …maybe u could start with that..
UNless I buy her another cell phone, I don’t think we are even going to be talking any time soon. Perhaps she orchestrated this so I could NOT contact her.
Sadly, she hasn’t called me since I dropped Sophie off Sat afternoon – not even check on me to see if I made it home okay like she usually does. I feel written off completely for now. I’m sure she will call me on Oct.1st (this Friday)- child support day.
She doesn’t want to hear about anything that has to do with our relationship. She typically gets bent out of shape when I bring it up – positive OR negative.
I wish that I knew in her mind what the problem(s) are with me. They change every time she tells me why we are not together.
One underlying constant is I’m too blunt I think. Another is too controlling (well, recently I heard that a few times)??? She has said before that I make comments about her friends and family, and I DID , but when she told me about it,it took me a little while to completely stop- I still hear about that…even since the breakup.
I control the money, and this bothers her I think…kind of have to. She has blown it a few too many times over spending on spree’s.
She says I don’t listen. I hear that a lot since we broke up…I try to and I think I do. I think she’s projecting partially as SHE doesn’t want to hear ANYTHING I have to say.
I don’t get the “We’re not getting back together, We DEFINITELY ARE getting back together” every other week or two, but She seemed pretty darn certain this Saturday that it is over-caput-final…
I would love to talk with her. She doesn’t want to talk to me. ONLY when she wants to, and it has been getting less and less….to the point I am wondering if the only time I will hear from her is child support days and it will no doubt be her wanting to get going.
Whatever WRONG in her mind I’ve done appears to me to be inexcusable and unforgivable for her to even want to talk to me anymore.
I realize that I need to give her time to see I’m gone and not waiting anymore. She needs to “miss” me as well I’m sure. Since the breakup, the longest time between calls or texting was four days max between us.
She always calls me when she needs something. I wonder if she will still do that anymore.
Does anyone here recommend that I get her another CELL phone so I can communicate with the kids at least (or, MY daughter sophie anyway)???
This NO WAY to COMMUNICATE whatsoever, except leave msgs with her Mom and that is frowed upon now…or her friend Jessica – who I don’t want to bother with this stuff too much. Terri doesn’t go online anymore. She used to all the time. Not in a month as far as I can tell.
She has lost interest in many of the things that used to seem very important to her. She appears to be sleeping about HALF as much as she used to since the breakup….she likes to sleep too. I cannot count how many 2 am calls I have had from her over the last 7 weeks. That’s usually when she gets a hold of me…middle of the night. When we were together, ahe went to bed by 9 pr 10…staying up to 11-12 was maybe once or twice a week MAX.
I am probably CRAZY for coming up with this, but not only WILL I follow thru if it was agreed upon, but I also want to see what terri would say. I could be comfortable with Her Mom and Step Dad here.
Since her Mom really is sick, and that seems to be a MAJOR obstacle to get past with asking terri to come home….WELL
I am going to ask terri to ask her mom to move here with me….terri and the kids too.
IF, and that’s a big IF…terri doesn’t want to be far from her Mom, this is a WIN-WIN. Her Mom and step dad live in a dump…hardly furnished trailer. I have a nice large 3 bedroom two story house. We COULD all fit . I know,,,it’s a lot to offer. I COULD deal with it…
IF her Mom is REALLY sick, and hasn’t got long to live…by all means I want to do this for the Family. I know that mom and dad have to drive two hours away every day or other day lately to go to a hospital…perhaps there would be a facility near here that does the same. I am in the richest town in South Carolina. Offering her Mom and Dad a place here at less than they are paying for the dump….shoot, I can’t imagine they would consider it at the least.
I wonder what terri’s excuse will be to not want to with THIS on the table???
Am I being silly? I want the lot of them here….
SHOULD I PUT THIS OUT THERE OR JUST KEEP IGNORING HER???
Good Morming Raan,
In my experience when people are ill or having some health crisis they general want to stay in their famiar surroundings no matter how bleak they may be. They are scared and their heads are reeling from all the treatments and doctors appts etc. So if her parents decline the offer that in and of itself could be the reason. They may feel like it’s too many changes all at once.
Regarding the cell phone that’s a big one that’s the hook. Again I advise you to consult a lawyer and perhaps another one from the original one you have spoken to before. I never understood when ppl would say their are good lawyers and not so good. But it’s true. I just spoke with another one last week regarding my divorce and she had a whole different take on the situation. I Completely understand the pull to want to replace her cell. But I would hold off just for now until you can get some sound legal advise. There are things to take into consideration like how do your actions look to the courts…not Terri. Please don’t let Sophie slip away she didn’t ask for any of this. In addition it might be time to check out a friends and family support group for bipolar disorder and/or seek some individual counseling for yourself and make sure it’s with someone who is well versed in the disorder. I know that you are not made of money. But consider it a long term investment into yourself an the future of you and your daughter as well. Believe me I know that you are angsting over all of this.
Do you know when the crack addict is supposed to be released? I have this nagging suspition that whatever decision making processes she has going on are at attached to that some how.
I can’t tell you not to give her any monies because frankly caring for
Sophie is the right thing to do. However it would be best if you could give her a good old fashioned check but I’m sure she’s going to say that she has no way to cash it either do to lack of bank account or that a check cashing store takes too much of it. But consider giving her money orders with her name printed on it and child support for Sophie in the memo part. You need to begin to create a paper trail. And one that shows Your good faith efforts. If you do wind up getting her a cell than make it as limited as possible. I think they have ‘emergency’ cells. You mentioned in a previous post that her las one only could call you, mom and a friend(was that Jessica). At any rate, these are just my thoughts. I know you want answers to what will make her come home. Sadly, there are no definitive ones. The best you can do right now is focus on the next right thing. None of us here want to see you go down emotionally like we did . I lost everything my home, my car, my money friends and some family. Bittersweet lost a great deal including battling for her life due to a serious health condition. Michelle has been brought to the brink many times. Audre, has to scale back on being the loving mother that she yearns to be and that comes naturally to her. Lost and Found spun out into anger and confusion for awhile. These are the various collateral damages of this thing called bipolar. All because we want to help, we are stunned and shell shocked and we want to care for them and love them back to health.
Peace, T
Get her the cell phone. make sure you tell her its for keeping intouch with your daughter. get the same one you had with limited access. get her to write you a reciept for any cash you give her and write for child support month of etc.. Remember the name of this post? its why they push us away.. They will push us away so dont push yourself away. you have a very real reason for seeing her.. its your daughter. You should try to get her for not giving you access to your daughter.. She can lose the kids if she dont let you see them.. I am divorced so been there done it.. Three yrs in divorce court hell.. Hang in there and dont lose your kool..
trusturgut,
Do you think asking her Mom and step dad to come live here with us (if terri would agree as well) is a good idea?
Replacing the cell is the only possible way that I can continue to keep in contact with terri realistically. I would continue to have the limited coverage I had set up before on it as well. Is buying her another cell a bad idea “legally” you think? How so?
We have an agreement that I pay terri X amount of child support, and I confess, I have been sending a little extra than we agreed originally, but I am now going to send exactly what we agreed to from here on. I DO keep records and rcpts. of all monies sent.
As far as Sophie and visitation is concerned…when I dropped her off saturday, I asked terri if on the next visitation, could I have sophie for a month or two and she said yes. Once again, the problem I have right now is that I cannot even arrange setting up more visits with no way of contacting terri.
Oct. 1st is coming Friday and surely terri will be calling me for the moneygram number so she can get child support. I wire it to her at Wal-mart. I suppose that these weekly moneygrams are also a good way to keep in contact if there is no other way to get in touch as on these days, she will call.
Timmy the crackhead is 500 miles away in prison and is doing 16 months I understand. With good time, that’s probably less than a year he will end up doing. I have been thinking that this is why she kept telling me that we’re getting back together but it won’t be any time soon. I think that she is waiting for this fool.
IF this is primarily a manic episode and she didn’t leave me on her own in her right mind, I would imagine that she will eventually come back to reality before he gets out. I wonder if she will continue to wait regardless. this guy is useless and bad news. Not ONE person including his own brother I have talked to that knows this clown says anything good about him…in fact, all I hear is how terrible he is.
I cannot imagine a single mother with three kids in her right mind wanting to be with this loser. this is partly why I have been patient. She has to be sick to want to be with a crackhead. he has NOTHING to offer her or has NO resources to help with the kids. Terri is spoiled too (my fault to a degree) and being broke and without my help with the kids has to get old eventually. I took us out to eat at nice restaurants almost every night. We did things as a family. I would guess that up there all she can do is sit home and watch TV. I don’t even see how she is going to be able to afford a power bill which will come in about a month. I think the cable is free though.
Robert/lost and found : Thanks. I am strongly considering buying her a new limited cell. I need to be able to talk with my daughter at least and make arrangements for visitation.
Bittersweet,
I know that I am not supposed to call since I moved on…should I just let her call me whether I buy terri a cell or not? I think that seems best.
Thanks so much folks. I admit, after writing on this forum…I am anxious awaiting replies. I don’t know what I would do without you great people.
I have my date tonight. I am nervous. I am excited, but I wish it was with terri. I’ll go and have fun. Who knows…we may really like each other.
I am going to really have a tough time appearing happy…I will do it, but deep down i am so darn depressed. My date won’t be able to tell though – I will be on my best behavior.
Cheers and thanks again.
I am so proud of myself….terri just called and we spoke for about 10 minutes. I was calm, cool and asked questions. I didn’t ask her to come back, nor did I say anything like I love you, miss you, etc…I acted like all I cared about was how are the kids, her mom, terri’s foot and is it healing, How is work going, etc.
We talked for about 5 minutes and I told her I had to leave because I have a dinner date. She seemed annoyed. I tried to get off of the call, but she quickly changed the subject onto something else that needed to be discussed…sophie and visitation…I said, well, I want her for a lot longer next visit…she said she was thinking I could have her for November and she take her for december…I said how about the other way around? She laughed. She then told me that you want to see your sons on Christmas don’t you? While it’s TRUE, IF we are truly never going to be together again….UNFORTUNATELY, They are not my kids anymore. yeah, I’ll get them a gift or two and perhaps send them to them, but to get together for Christmas as a “Family” when she has made this impossible now….I don’t know. I have mixed feelings.
She then hot me up for money. I told her No. I will send you money on the 1st, as we agreed. She asked “can’t I have it sooner?” I told her NO.
Then, I mentioned that I have no way to contact her with the moneygram number and she gave me the Timmy cell phone number that she has been using that always comes up “restricted”. I won’t call it other than to text the moneygram number and I wonder why NOW when I have moved on does she finally give it to me? Might be a test to see if I will call. I won’t. in fact, I am going to ignore it when she calls back tonight to let me talk with the kids….sucks because I want to hear their voices, but it only makes me look like I am available again…waiting..wanting to talk with her.
After we talked about that I told her I had to go to my dinner date….
She got mad and said “I LOVE YOU TOO…BYE!” and HUNG UP”
Clearly, mad I am going out.
I think I am making progress and she is annoyed because she DOES have a lot of feelings for me.
She is mad perhaps because I don’t appear to care for HER anymore. I’m really moving on and it’s bugging her.
I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! DID I DO GOOD PEOPLE???
yes you did well, but the danger here is, did you tell her about the dinner date cos your moving on or was it cos you wanted her to maybe feel jealous and say she wants you back?? this is a big no no, and please dont take that the wrong way as it is nothing i havent done myself before, really really good if you are moving on, but not so if your not. i have done that in the past so am just wondering, and i dont think it works, not in the long term, cos i did it a few times actually. funnily enough, i havent heard from my BP in over 2 months, not seen him in about 5 or 6 months, and tonight i get a text, then a phone call, then a voicemail, then another voicemail then another text. said really needs to speak to me, erm ….. the hell he does!! what the heck about? i am seeing someone else now, so what does he want to do, come steaming back into my life and try and rock the boat like all the times before, well no thank you. and god trust me, i know how it feels to love someone like that, i loved him all along, maybe still do, but sure enough as you take enough crap, it disappears, not totally yet and i pray for the day it does totally, i even still feel torn and even feel guilty, guilty for not replying, guilty for still having feelings when i’m with someone else, and oh i wonder if he sits there feeling any guilt for anything at all?? for all the lies cheating deceiving etc etc, we all know all the other crappy stuff. hmm i doubt it. i even am so curious as to waht he wants to talk about, but it’d amount to nothing just like all the other times before. i mentioned the jealousy thing before, like i said, i have done it, i dont think its a good thing to do, it makes them distrust us even more i think and even make them say they knew we never really cared about them in the first place, oh what a catch 22 situation. its totally impossible!! grrrrrrrrr. M xxxxxxxxxx
Oh god yeah they are always really nice when they want money or something, hmmmmm, dont they think that we wil eventually see right through them?? they are like little children, rebels without causes, great big spoilt brats, and basically thats just what they are, they all need properly reparenting!! i cant talk cos so do i, but at least i learn from my mistakes, they just never seem to. ??????? reckon?? xxxxx
hello michelle & Raan …I actually think raan that there is little trust anyway from her as she thinks u have wronged her anyway & if she is going to make any deeper decisions to return it will be because of the kids & the stability that you offer her ..not because of being jealous of a dinner date. from my experience my ex bp couldnt have cared less if i went on 10 dinner dates with 10 different men. thats why it was alright for him to do it. Also she just said to you ‘ I love u too ‘ & hung up because she is not in control of you anymore & she doesnt like it ..its them that has to have all the attention remember & if you dont give it to them they just go off looking somewhere else. which may be the case with the crackhead but we all know that wont last
so really if she thinks you are just waiting around that wont bring her back either…all I would suggest Raan
is to keep your business to yourself dont offer any personal info about what you are doing ..u know why ?
because when she does come back she will use it against you & it may trun to shit again . so just keep all your business to yourself. I think for your own sense of pride and to avoid further emotional pain u have to get out & about . I know its hard when all u want to do is be with them but your Not with them are you ?
michelle
how exciting you have met someone else ..is it working for you both & now after all this he is trying to get to talk to you… My ex has never attempted to contact me ever , he just meets another women & starts loving her instead..!!
Forgot to mention a dilly today. One of the first things that came out of terri’s mouth today was this:
BTW, I have never ever seen terri get violent…
Last night, terri got into a fist fight with her Younger Sister(who is pregnant too). terri has a big knot on her head now. Told me her head hurts real bad. She also mentioned that she blacked out 9 times, and passed out once. I am concerned that she may have a concussion. I just listened…
Hmm. Can anyone say MANIA?
yes raan mania, but shouldnt we be more concerned about the pregnant one here. yes she may have a know on her head but isnt it sympathy and attention she is wanting, mine too after ignoring me for months asked why i didnt get in touch and if i didnt care when i heard that he had been beaten up? they expect us to drop everything as soon as things go wrong for them but if things were to go ass up for us would they be there for us? NO a great big fat NO. they’d run away and consistently do so.
Bittersweet, yes it is kind of exciting, but i can feel myself backing off cos i’m scared, everything is scary, he is very nice, and i dont mean scared of his anger or his moods or anything bad, cos he is not like that, i mean scared in a bigger way, maybe i am scared of commitment etc, i do wonder at times. God i have ignored the text and calls form BP and i get one this morning saying please talk to me as my sanity is on the line here!!! and its still ring ring ringing now. the same old pattern of all the years except all the other times my fell sorry for him nature got the better of me, no doubt it’ll go on and on till i do answer and say to leave me alone please, it just doesnt make sense does it?? xxxxx
Whoa Everyone what a full and heavy night!
. It was just yest that u were talking abt moving Terri’s parents into ur house. You see what I mean. So please keep it light and if they don’t want a 2nd date truly it’s because on some level they will pick up on the fact that you are not ready for anything serious even if you don’t mention one thing about what you are currently in the middle of or have been dealing with and
Raan, I have little to add because frankly Both Michelle and Bittersweet are right on the money regarding this one. And in addition, although I have zero contact with my bp I often wonder what I would say or do if she did try and reach now and now I know. But more importantly Now I know why! And yes I Am Oh So proud of You!
I will say that you are now off the hook with respects to getting replacing her cell phone. She’s obviously got that part covered so no more excuses not contacting you about the children. Gosh that pisses me off! What a shitty thing to have to wonder and be concerned about when you had Sophie. What if there was an emergency or where, when and how to go about making plans for drop off and pick up. It’s just damn immature and So f’n irresponsible, Raan. Well at least now you know! On another note although I am a big advocate of getting back out there and meeting new ppl(mind not that I take any of that advice myself becuz frankly all my circumstances have really taken me down hard). I do say emphatically to try to keep the other ppl, the new ppl’s feelings at the forefront of your mind. Would you make a good mate or date right now. The latter maybe but Do Not go for anything serious. These ppl don’t deserve your anguish and heartache they just want dinner
they might be. That’s healthy. It’s not mean or
personal. And if they do know and are willing to be very supportive I’d be weary of that too it may seem admirable but question why and what about them would attract them to crisis and chaos. Because although your house may be quiet and calm right now your head is not. Just my two scents
peace, T
Michelle,
I am also wildly proud of you too. There is something so psychologically healing when you feel like you are master of your own destiny again and back in the drivers seat of your life. Brava, my friend. Saying leave me alone still indicates passion for the situation and person though. Saying, i’m in a really good place in my life now and have no need to go backwards but take care of yourself, is flat but so much more effective. Yes it feels good to be pursued and desired it’s the best. But as we know in these situations it’s more a kin to hunter and hunted like a lion preying on an elk. That’s not love it’s once I get you again I will turn the shit around and eat your heart out. Has your ex boyfriend done one damn thing to better himself since he’s been away? Any therapy happening? I doubt it. You have just become his default person for when things go sour when he’s gone. But you on the otherhand have worked your fanny off to heal and help make sense of all the pain and destruction that has happened in your life as a result of your family, upbringing and ex-bp etc. They want what they want and will slash and burn or belittle and destroy or woo and seduce to get their self imposed and selfish needs met. It’s the nature of their beast. You have chosen a different path stay the course. You have struggled so hard to get to this point if you now have someone who genuinely cares for YOU and your well being than take that in it’s because you are a loving and honest and worthy person. This new person may or may not be your forever but don’t you now push them away and self sabotage because your old inner tapes just won’t shut up. You deserve some pleasantness in your life. It’s time. How long have you been seeing him?
Peace, T
Michelle,
)
You also reminded me. Shortly after i was gone this last time evidently my bp moved in some drunken distant relative. One morning she came out to see him drinking a beer already. She makes a snide remark to him, he makes one back, she gets in his face and he apparently slugs her. Not sure the true validity of all of this. But actually my reaction was wow someone had the balls to not take her shit. I do Not in anyway endorse violence. I come from a very violent background and will not tolerate any such thing. So the fact that that was my internal thought and reaction I deemed indicative of how much hurt and pain I had been through with this person. The main thing that I was disgusted by was the fact that I heard it happened in front of her daughter. Siggghhh just one more thing to add to this poor childs laundry list of crap that she innapropriately has had to see witness and experience in her short little 5 years of life. It’s sickening. But no, I didn’t call either. And I normally would have especially in the face of something so serious. Because I can put my stuff aside and be there for the greater good. But with her it means walking back into the cobra pit. But Michelle, you are so so right when you say if the tables were turned or somehow we were in need would they show up for us. Hell No! Or if they did they would find a way to hold it against us forever or want an f’n parade for doing so.
peace, T
hello trust & michelle
have just had some good news today ny breat cancer has not come back & whilst on the topic
michelle I love your response to the demons that prey
on our innocent & peaceful life…so ready & waiting to destroy us & take us down. I have had 8 operations to save my life in the 18months …my figure has always been pretty good am ex ballet dancer ..but the attention was taken away from him …as the seriousness of my illness became worse he became unavailable . whilst in hospital one time he did come to visit, & I had just come out of 5 hour operation so still groogy & in pain .
all he wanted to do was winge about his finger he had hurt at work …here is me hooked up to drainage bags & in absolute agony trying to console him with a hurt finger, one of the nurses actually commented on his absolute sociopathic state, in fact she was appalled.
I reckon had I not been vomiting & spewing blood he would have almost wanted to engage in an argument about how I was not showing him enuff attention. after he left I text a message thanking him for coming to visit me , it was 10 weeks and 2 more operations before i heard a peep, & then it was the cold , calculating ‘ have met someone else moto’. The emotional trauma that I had endured meant zero to him ..he was upset that he had to compete with cancer ..have not heard now for over 1 year not even a suggestion of ‘ hope you are doing ok ‘
and yet he would cry & bleed almost every other day about his imagined misery, & I would try to help , council , give, cook , massage, with my reward being
‘ his new women answering his phone , asking who the hell was I & what the hell did I want because he was not available right now due to him not feeling well!!!
gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr regards from bittersweet.
Hey Bittersweet,
(and so many others who write in thankyou for sharing ur truth and trying to support others in doing the same)
How wonderful that u have come thru cancer and survived such abandonment and grief also. i cannot imagine how u felt in that hospital bed Kudos to u for surviving and getting your life back …
when u were very first were diagnosed or in the initial stages of friendship and relationship.. did he show kindness and help then?
Was there something so special that u just could not give up on and if so What was it?
…i feel like the experience ive had is not like a “breakup” that most of us people have or experience at some time in their lives…everyone has had them… THis is something words dont convey.
What is it that keeps us going back… For eg You were the one still reaching out to him with such love and decency when u were so ill!!….
The experiences on here seem like something never ever known heard of or experienced before by anyone who has endured normal breakup patterns either..until they undergo this particular type… and get to read this site..
u You mentioned the things u did for him ( the kindness cooking loving listening) Was that over a long period of time?…usually if we are healthy people ourselves we wouldnt get involved with someone who is a real looser or rude or unstable or aggressive right from the start… ( well i thought so anyway)…you kind of dont get involved if someone is horrible right from the get go so when does it change?… did this guy suddenly change or did he get worse when u got the cancer… did you get an explanation?
i hope u are managing ok u deserve so much better
kind regards
Hey Bittersweet,
(and so many others who write in thankyou for sharing ur truth and trying to support others in doing the same)
How wonderful that u have come thru cancer and survived such abandonment and grief also. i cannot imagine how u felt in that hospital bed Kudos to u for surviving and getting your life back …
when u were very first were diagnosed or in the initial stages of friendship and relationship.. did he show kindness and help then?
Was there something so special that u just could not give up on and if so What was it?
…i feel like the experience ive had is not like a “breakup” that most of us people have or experience at some time in their lives…everyone has had them… THis is something words dont convey.
What is it that keeps us going back… For eg You were the one still reaching out to him with such love and decency when u were so ill!!….
The experiences on here seem like something never ever known heard of or experienced before by anyone who has endured normal breakup patterns either..until they undergo this particular type… and get to read this site..
u You mentioned the things u did for him ( the kindness cooking loving listening) Was that over a long period of time?…usually if we are healthy people ourselves we wouldnt get involved with someone who is a real looser or rude or unstable or aggressive right from the start… ( well i thought so anyway)…you kind of dont get involved if someone is horrible right from the get go so when does it change?… did this guy suddenly change or did he get worse when u got the cancer… did you get an explanation for the desertion?
i hope u are managing ok u deserve so much better
kind regards
Michelle, hang in there ! trust, bitter, thanks. Your letters speak volumes.
I am not looking for anything serious elsewhere, btw. Just dinner and some company.
GRRRR. BP just texted me for the fourth time today…wants money. I told her no and am ignoring the last few text msgs. just got one a second ago as I started writing this
“are you there?”
I don’t understand – WHAT does she want me to do? This BP stuff inferiates me. they ignore you, then want you to be at their beck and call. SO frustrating.
I don’t feel like I am being loving right now. I feel like I am being mean, and that is not like me.
BOUNDARIES…right? I have to keep this in mind.
Hello…
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who writes on here, I follow your comments everyday and it helps me cope with what has happened to me, you are all very genuine!
This website has helped me understand so much! I too am broken hearted at the moment and have been for nearly a year now, never did I imagine this would be part of my life!
Thank you!
Dear Wishingwell,
You are welcome here at any time. As you may have noticed because we here span the globe there is usually at least someone here to lend an ear or offer support.
When you said that you’ve been going through ‘this’ for a year. That said to me that so much has already happened in your world that you might not even be sure where or how to begin. Sometimes it’s easier to start from the beginning and sometimes from the last and most recent incident. Either way it gets things flowing. For me even after all this time I find that some one will bring something up that jars my memory regarding my own life an experiences.
Are you the one with bp or a significant other or family member or child?
I’m sure you’ve read enough to know that you have full permission to be candid.
Just reaching out back at you so that you know you’ve been heard.
Peace, Trusturgut
Trusturgut,
Thank you!
It all began last July, I met someone, the attraction was immediate after one date I felt I had known him all my life, by the second date he had asked me to become his girlfriend, it was all very fast, he called me everyday, and we soon became very close, he was the person I had waited for all my life and he seemed to feel the same, he was very open, very tactile, very honest!
In the September he went away with his work and I didnt like to disturb him so I didnt text him as much as normal, by midweek he called and was very annoyed I wasnt in touch with him, he returned from the course and was very distant, after about a week he admitted he was Bipolar. I found out as much info as I could and wanted to be there for him. He seemed to become very depressed very quickly and on the 14th November he disappeared, for the next 10 days I tried to find him then I received a text saying he had been abroad on holiday and he didnt want me because of what I had done???
I kept in touch everyday and after 2 weeks we met up again for the weekend, we had a fantastic weekend and everything seemed to be fine again, Monday morning he left his place for work and I started to pack my things, his calender was on the desk and the entry for the 14th November read “Guess where we are going today” I then checked his camera which was on the desk and there were all his holiday photos with him and another lady enjoying every moment! I left, sent him a text telling him I knew he had been away with someone else and he denied everything,he said I was talking rubbish and told me HE didnt want to see me again?? That was the start of me questioning myself, I thought I was wrong, I must be wrong??
Christmas morning at 2.30 I received texts telling me to leave him alone, he didnt need me, he had someone else??
He later told me this was called “Panic”
We continued through the new year getting together and him running after every time we became intimate! I would hurt so much, I loved him so much! He was very depressed and I would talk to him through the night just to reassure him. He would hurt, physical pain, he would get sick, he would cry! He would drink!!
End of January came and he told me this was it, no more running he wanted me forever, he needed me, he was going to sort this….3 days later he was gone!!
In March he told me the same….2 days later he was gone!!
One day I texted him, he didnt remember who I was??
I hung in there hoping, asking him to see someone, he wanted no Meds, he had seen a psychiatrist 3 times it didnt help?
In the middle of the year he told me he had to go into hospital, suspected Cancer. I thought it couldnt get any worst, I knew I would lose him one day but not to Cancer!!
Last weekend after more time apart he called, he was now focused he was getting sorted he wanted me and my children in his life, he loved me more than anything, I was his Angel, always there for him, everyone else had now left him, the other lady was his fuck buddy he had no feelings for her, he has no friends and only one parent. We had another wonderful weekend together, he would never run again, he said, he made all sorts of promises, this was it, the real thing!! Two days later I received texts telling me I am a hateful Bitch, he doesnt love me and he doesnt want me, he doesnt need anyone, leave him alone, its over and there is no Cancer!
I sent a text telling him its ok, I am here, I will always be here….but I cant, I cant do it anymore, I feel broken….and the guilt is terrible!!
Raan,
I know your intent is to send her money on the agreed upon dates. But besides boundaries don’t forget that you are dealing with a mind set that is masterful at twisting, misinterpreting and making shit up. So if you piss her off expect repurcussions. Main thought is withholding Sophie and lord knows what else she may think up. Again talk to an attny old one, new one doesn’t matter. You think your broke now if you have to go to court you’re going to feel every penny. AND KEEP THOSE TEXTS find a way to print them out with dates and times. Either email them to yourself, sinc up to your computer or they have relativley cheap gadgets at Best Buy.
Trust me I Am The Farthest Thing from computer saavy…but I had all hands on deck when I was going through one of the scariest times with my BP
peace, T
Bittersweet,
Forgive me for being remiss in not commenting and sharing in your joy over your good news today!! Cleared on breast cancer. Woo hoo!!! I’m breathing a sigh of relief for you…
Peace and blessings, T
hey trust…new dawn here, thankyou for your kindness
its been 2 year battle but have gotten off lightly compared to some . the operations involved a lot of reconstruction issues ..would be lying if I were to say it hasnt affected my confidence , particularly when my BP chose run off with a new women in the midst of it all & when I tried to reach out …I suppose as you said in your previous post ..hell no ‘ they are not there when we might need some attention
I actually could live with the drama & abuse as having been raised by a violent alcoholic father it is nothing unusual for me trusturgut. but would have to say the emotional pain for me was the infidelity…I was even prepared to accept my BP after that as well , when he would come back apologising, until the next time the cheating ..which I learned was never going to stop.
he kept telling me i didnt give him enuff attention & casually one day I simply said to my BP ‘ oh well maybe for you its best not to have a relationship at all lets face it you cant really have a relationship can you ?
that was the last time I ever heard from him & I imagine his attempt to prove me wrong will work for him up to a point . But Trust thanks for the acknowledgement as I said before your BP was blessed to have a careing & intuitive soul like u , she wont find another
regards from bittersweet
I just got several text msgs from Timmy the cracjhead’s niece…she told me that terry has a new 17 year old boytoy named Dusty and he lives down the street from timmy’s brothers house. This may be why terry didn’t invite me in last Saturday nor kiss me if he was inside the trailer.
This niece also told me that terri is a tramp, and doesn’t take care of the kids properly, nor feed them well. She told me this because she thought that sophie would be better off with me and terri is just too lazy and trashy and no good to have kids to take care of. One of the text’s said she took child support out on me recently, which I document and pay regularly, so???
When terri text’ed me earlier today, one of the 4 msgs she sent me at the bottom said: (ILYDUSTY) – that’s I love you dusty I guess…I wrote back on this when it happened and she said it was her brothers signature since he has been using her phone and didn’t know what it meant…
I suspect Dusty is her new “love”??? SEVENTEEN???
This just keeps getting better and better. I am having a hard time keeping my anger and frustration in check….
Just let it go, eh? mention NOTHING about it???
Wishing well,
HANG IN THERE BABE!!!! Look at my posts very recently on here- I am going thru some crazy crap like you too! It seems endless and a rollercoaster ride from hell. get your emotions in check – be strong. BP’s are like this and it ISN’T YOU!!!
I am in a tizzy myself right now and my story involves little kids….
just hang in there
Raan,
Thank you, its so nice to talk to someone who may understand, my friends dont, they just say leave him, find someone new, but its not that easy is it?
I am a strong person, life hadnt been a bed of roses before I met him and I thought my time had come, my dream was about to come true but its turning into a nightmare!!
I dont know if he will come back this time, he was nastier and so cold this time, I know his feelings are getting deeper, he told me he is an emotional cripple and he cant open “Pandoras Box” to let the demons out because hes scared the lid will never close again??
He is good person, he has done a lot for his country, he has saved lives, he thinks hes bad, he knows hes aggressive, he wants to be loved but he cant handle it!
I want to help but I cant get through any more, it has got worse as the year has gone on!
I looked into his eyes last week and I knew he has reached breaking point….
Hey Raan,
you are getting the full taste of it now my friend! Yup, I would have to say that the mania is in full swing. Did the niece just reach out to you out of the blue? This is the crackheads niece right how the heck did she get your contact info? Even if only a portion of this is true…are u ready to commit to this for life. It’s time to take action and get those ducks in a row that we’ve been talkin about. How old is this niece?
So…now she’s been living with you for the past for years, disappears in January marries another guy who gets put into jail shortly there after. But prior to that rips you off personally. Than she comes back to you, only several months later says she had a bad experience with the pdoc. Takes off again with the kids. Keeps you on the hook. Is living in squallor with your children but expects you to foot the bill and quite frankly demands it when she needs it. Only sporadically is in contact with you. Messes up her ankle starts taking pain meds and uses that as an excuse to stop taking her head meds. Claims her cell phone was stolen by her crackhead legal husbands brother. Strings you along for weeks regarding when and for how long you can see Your daughter. Than u find out she’s had access to a cell phone all along. And now you receive a random msg from the crackheads niece that she’s screwing around with a 17 year old boy. So now we have a woman who has been cheating on you with a crackhead and now is cheating on the crackhead with a child(nice statutory issues there too btw).
I know you roll this crap around in your head constantly. But I wanted you to see it in print from a complete outsider but from one who’s lived this insanity…
Get ducks in a row, take the high road at all costs. Than You can let her know all that you know. Do Not Let This Take You Down! Put a
routine together now to address the stress!
Because I was so respected in my community and my family ppl were too passive with me thinking I had my shit together and have always been adept at managing tense situations and crisis. All that is true. Just so long as it was yours and nit mine. We that are in the thick of something like this begin to second guess our every thought and move and intent. It becomes so surreal to our normal way of being that we begin to view things in a scewed way as well. Why do bipolars disappear? Well we are getting more clear knowledge on that. But at a certain point begin to focus on the blessing of this. Distance does lend itself to a clearer perspective. Time doesn’t heal much, that’s a misnomer but time plus action, plus self care and knowledge does.
Peace, Trust
Good Morning Wishingwell,
Aaahhh the euphoria of the beginnings with a BP! I know it well. I used the exact same words, this was my dream come true! So loving, so smart, so attentive and affectionate and loving. In your mature infinite wisdom you were trying to be kind and considerate trying not to bother him on a business trip. And it backfired! Classic bp brain. So than you try to never have that happen again and let me guess you now look desperate and smothering. If you’ve read alot here you may have come across the fact that they Do Not process information in the same way we might. Know that repeat it to yourself like a mantra, engrave it in your brain. Because your history and upbringing lends itself to you probably being a codependent this may be really tough for you too. In order to heal and redeem yourself from your internal tapes that haunt you if you can help him and be there for him at all costs than you might break your own cycle/legacy/curse. Not to mention the fact that he himself has told you that you are the one and only for him and the only one who has ever been there for him. Those words are like drugs to an addict and music to your broken soul.
A week after my bp and I reunited after 17 years of being apart she sent me a text. ‘i Love You! And I don’t want any bullshit dating either! I want to marry You! You are forever 4 Me!!!’ I had been in a 15 year marriage and had never had anyone speak to me with such passion, so uninhibitedly and seemingly from the heart! Later on when things started to get scary and weird and the cheating started again(that I was told from day one that she had learned some very hard lessons about that over the years and was all done with that type of behavior) and was staying up for days on end and than would crash and the depressions would hit. I found out mine was self medicating and using serious drugs very common for alot of bp’s. She would take my face in her hands and tell me that she loves me and ‘you know you have saved my life right?!’ ‘i wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you and I will be forever grateful…’. The thing about it is that many times they are being sincere at the time. Their switches just flip so fast and than within hours or days than as in your case ‘you’re an f’n ruthless bitch!’ again. And you may have said…don’t forget your lunch and have a good day or he’s sitting in another room brooding and your just giving one of your kids a bath and the next thing you know you’re being reemed a new one for being a shitty girlfriend and ignoring him. It can get that bizarre.
No meds, no therapy=no relationship!
Been there, been there, been there.
I’ve read on here and have been told directly from my bp that they can have such self loathing at times that your kindness and love only makes it worse. It does the opposite of what you/we intend it to do. It doesn’t shine a light into the goodness of their soul but rather they look at you and think what’s wrong with You that you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly by me or all those others. They feel hate worthy and off and you’re putting up with their crap so might as well take out their self loathing on you. You don’t respect yourself so why should they.
If it sounds bizarre…good! That means that you don’t buy into it. It’s one example of the way they may think.
Peace, Trusturgut
Good evening Trusturgut,
I related to your email so much especially the part about your 15 year marriage, I too spent many years with my husband and never experienced such passion that I feel with my BP partner, is this what keeps us going back??
Before I met him I would never take any rubbish from anyone, I would love and leave over the smallest thing AND I would never tolerate a cheat…..cheating was a no no in my book, so why when I was looking at the holiday photos of my BP and a very sluttish woman was my head already forgiving him??
I have made al-sorts of excuses for his behaviour, I am an intelligent, attractive lady why do I do this…..my mind screams out at me “this is not happening” “You dont need this” so WHY do I keep doing it…..is it the thought of failure or is it LOVE?
He does self medicate with alcohol, he smokes a lot but I have no idea if drugs are involved, he tells me no but can we believe anything we are told?
I know its bizarre, I know it makes no sense, I go over and over in my mind what is it I have done wrong, what did I say so wrong, there must be something I did because he hates me so much, the funny thing is last time we got back together he said…. ” you put up with me…you must be MAD”??
Its just amazing what u wrote above Trust… unbelievable in fact… which is why when i pick myself up of the floor and can stand remembering in even more excrutiating detail.. i will email… thankyou for sharing the above i really identify … i cant take it in for long…i keep forgetting what people have written and feel so isolated..i have to keep coming back and re- reading then feel sick all over again…then relief then more anguish… i keep forgetting the bad way he acted.. blaming myself…it MUST BE MY FAULT such a great honest person could not do that… going over and over thanks so much for what u wrote so timely also
Trauma
Ive just been reading all of Raan Bittersweet Trusturgut Michelle and Wishingwells comments over the last day…i am overwhelmed… i get relief sometimes when i read what u have written…horrible to say…i am so sorry for what u have endured also…
but hearing of the gutwrenching similarities in some of the behaviours we have been exposed to… and the reactions from friends who say “Just Move on” forget them..now there is a classic…..:(
there is no move on button with this experience….? For me there is only terrible terrible replay… confusion unbelievable anguish and confusion shame guilt humiliation… humiliation so bad.
Wishing Well.. trusturgut..u especially seem to touch on the incredible sincerity of the B.P person they were wernt they?? we didnt mistake it ? Yes is this right?…this memory is what undoes me everytime…( i KNOW that at the time what was said and the love shown was not faked surely u could not miss this genuine show of affection? right? please help me here someone anyone… they were not faking it ? I am very sensitive and have intuition i wish i didnt have some times but i did NOT see this coming)
…but onlookers and in my case the so called best friend (who he hooked up for comfort money lodgings and emotional support with… ASAP as the deed was done).. well, they and others just say “oh it was never real.. it was all just an act…probably just wanted the conquest men are like that etc etc…? No u just KNOW it wasnt that…am i right?
Have u ever tried try to make that explanation fit ur circumstances…? i have.. it just goes on and on round and round i saw sincerity i saw HONESTY and self effacing brutal accountability to his self confessed faults…It was so endearing to see and hear such raw earthy accountability… even if a lot of it was disturbing..it was his truth… and i respected it
i have spent 18months in therapy agonising about how i could compromise on so many beliefs, standards, moral guidelines and personal intuition…cos i just KNEW this friendship was something real… something so different special..where u were made to feel alive as if saved from emotional death and depression…only to have it evaporate… once the intimacy (that i never wanted to give)…was gained …being drawn back in pushed away 3 more times told never contact me again… i need to get over u
Finding out after Him running away he was immediately telling others about what happened… talking crazy stuff… withdrawing…not texting back even when u plead “please talk to me i have always been there for u”… even filthy talk about you to guy friends..
to be spoken about as if i was a $@%$# a looser.. a crazy skank slack dog that was not worthy of respect…
This happened after an initial year long friendship… with clear boundaries in place.. perhaps a bit of flirting hear and there but usually in a group and never entering into anything that crossed the line.. but crossing the line came after the professed love and passion is repeatedly stated by the strange one… and the gratitude for u and ur kindness and patience and the love and help u showed in that friendship is often acknowledged…
BUT in hindsight during the just friends stage that even that was thrown in the face on many occasions… and the disappearing act would occur..( but hey…one has nothing to loose at first..becoz u havnt crossed the line..the boundaries are all intact no ones heart has been invested… u havent betrayed urself or anyone else… but when u do…when u give it all away…. did u get dumped abandoned shat on like u were nothing but filth on the heap..
did u feel like u would never recover from the shock the horror the morification??
thats how it is with me..i just wanna die… please can anyone tell me the confusion goes… the shock fades?.. the ruminating and worrying and horrible dreams stop?
The utter degradation and humiliation is the worst…but u just loved them even when they acted strange and manic like and talked incessantly about themselves and rang and texted at all sorts of odd times and u just always tried to be available and help them and love them..
what now?
I am so grateful to have come home from work tonite to see the comments written today..thankyou all i would so appreciate some feedback also..
i am just devastated..the panic comes in and out of my consciousness all thru out the days just over and over panic anxiety worry shame guilt… thankyou for reading this x
traumatisedbeyondbelief….hello
I am very new to this but have been reading this site for about 10 months and like yourself have taken comfort that I am not imagining this and I have also gained a lot of information from other people. I knew nothing of Bipolar before this, I had heard of manic depressive but was so naive to think that anyone with manic depression was either in hospital or an institution, the shock I felt in the beginning after the first episode was awful, I questioned myself so much and if I am honest I still do, its not until days after when I stand back and try to rationalise the situation I realise I didn’t cause this, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything wrong!!
Over the year I have tried so many times to pick myself up and start again, but no one has ever come in to my life that I feel this way about….he calls, he apologises, he says what I want to hear, he loves me, no one has loved him as much as I do, he makes promises, and I RUN…..towards him…and every time I say I wont??
I often wonder if he knows what he is doing, he crys, he takes to his bed, he locks himself away….. I worry, I dont sleep at night, I dont eat but this man is a survivor…..
I have now gained enough information to know I can’t fix this, so why do I keep trying??
trust, you wrote:
Get ducks in a row, take the high road at all costs.
Than You can let her know all that you know.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Tell her I know everything?
WHAT is the HIGH ROAD?
Hi Raan,
By High Road I meant nothing more than continue to not lose your cool!!! Yest you were being bombarded with texts from her than new info from another source etc. And I could begin to hear your frustration, exasperatn an disgust begin to surface. You may continue to find out more too. Truly begin to shift your brain into thinking about her like a sick friend. Be kind, compassionate but not a push over, doormat or lovesick or needy. You’ve been doing great so far. You can’t hold her to her word on anything except where Sophie is concerned. If she switches stories on you, continues to tell you lies whether about big stuff or little just respond by saying ‘oh really I must have misunderstood than because I thought you said…xyz’ and let it drop on your end. And I wouldn’t bring up poor Dusty right now until you get some legal stuff in writing. That’s all I meant by ducks in a row. Do you see her getting worse or is it just me?
Just my two scents…
Peace, T
My Dear Traumatized,
what a perfect name! When I first found this site I wouldn’t even admit to myself that what I was experiencing and had been through was pure, unadulterated trauma. I know this to be true now. And am working with a therapist to help me see that.
As I was reading your post I knew every word, felt every feeling and knew that you were and have been holding your breath. You are not crazy breath in and tell every cell of your body that you are in charge and going to take care of it as you exhale blow all that crap out and picture yourself directing it right back at him. I’m not being woo woo. But where you’re at right now that might be about the best you can do. I call them simply deodorant days. If the best u can do that day is brush ur teeth and put on deodorant than the day is a success. I’ve had panic screaming in the night. Running to the bathroom at work becuz I couldn’t stop crying Shaking and trembling so uncontrollably that I had to leave work. Broke out into a weird rash at one point due to the stress. Lost 40lbs and on and on. I was so nervous abt just my body breaking down that I did sneek off to the Dr and had a full blood work up done. Everything fine for now thank goodness.
My point is that for now you are on physical project status. Take lots of long hot showers. All I could do for what felt like months, was drink coffee, smoke cigarrettes drink orange juice and eat bananas and forced myself to take vitamins. Than little by slowly when I could start to introduce other foods my body wouldn’t hold onto it and it would go right through me.
I know you want help with the emotional side that will come in time.
It sounds almost like you left one relationship for this true love that wound up being insanity. Is that true? Than guilt and beating the hell out of yourself might also be apart of this despair and anguish. I know this one as well my friend.
For now I will go back and reread your post and see if there’s more I can add but I hear the immediacy and desparation in your voice. And wanted to address it asap.
With all that I have I promise that you will at least feel a bit better. I will not make promises that I can’t keep or tell you that everything is going to be ok or better than it was but you WILL feel better than you do right now in time.
Trusturgut
Thanks so much for responding Trust..
i think ur story and wishingwells may be quite similar to mine…there is so much more to say…but i am actually terrified he looks at this site… will read stuff and know who i am… sad isnt it..
i really want to understand…do u both reckon they were genuine at the time? Do they have an off button that activates savagely without warning.. Even Bittersweet i think wrote of terrrible betrayals and shock.. i think she was engaged…sorry i may have that wrong but i have read so much and get a little releief but thru out the day it just ebbs away…i am left to feel SURE i must have just been ugly undesirable boring … i wonder if i can contact anyone privately…there are details i cannot divulge publicly … if anyone would mind giving me an email address especially trust and wishing i would be grateful..if not i do understand..
i would so appreciate if anyone else can identify with those specific experiences of being wooed pursued then just chucked away like one never existed..but u felt ur souls were connected like nothing u had ever felt before in ur life..
Michelle’s story astounds me also.. and Raan .. i cannot imagine the distress u must feel re just regarding Sophie alone… i think that initial at the bottom of the phone was left there on purpose actually..
i have so many questions but must go to work now i really hope i can keep in touch and converse with the people on this forum i feel so alone in this…
regards, and thanks for response so far
trauma
Hi Trama,
I would love to communicate with you privately too but like yourself I am also scared of being recognised on here, I was the one who told HIM to read this site it may help him?
I too have not disclosed all my info because of that fear!
I cant leave an email address it contains my name!
There have been times I have been too scared to answer phone calls from him or even texts because I am afraid of what I say or do?
In time, maybe if he doesnt comes back this time, I maybe able to go forward but….. GOD, I miss him so much!!
Wishing….
Hey Wishing,
i so understand where u are coming from i wish i could talk to u also…its just so close to the bone the stuff u said resonates..bout the intimacy…i feel sick..perhaps there is a way around this..i will get back to u
regards x
Thank you trusturgut. YES, She seems to be getting worse. I thought that by now, she would start to get better, but I guess that this can go on longer than expected.
Many people on here including yourself claim that this is how it is…how she is going to be for a lifetime. How come this is REALLY the first time that she has behaved THIS illogically and psychotically for such an extended time in FOUR YEARS? True, January – she went off her rocker, but it only lasted a month, and I could see her slowly getting her mind back in that time. THIS episode…WHOO! She broke up with me on the phone August 8th….We are about to go into OCTOBER tomorrow. Is this going to be an ongoing never ending thing now? Has she “transformed” so to speak into “THIS” permanently? From what many say on here….this is now the NEW terri.
I am doing the best I can. I will do as you and bittersweet suggest. I will remain calm. I will work on myself and my sanity-what I have left.
I was REALLY hoping that somewhere along the way that she would snap out of it, and want to come home.
I guess from what many of you say on here….it’s get myself better, stable, and move on.
Sad, so sad.
Raan….
I dont think any one can tell you to move on, I think that is a decision you will have to come to yourself, I do think you need to get strong, stable and able to cope, whether its with her or without her.
I know myself I have felt sick, my head hurts all the time, he is the last thing I think of when I finally fall asleep he is the first thing I think of when I wake and the thing that frightens me more than anything is will I ever feel the same about anyone else as I do him or will I spend the rest of my life wondering….. WHAT IF??
My thoughts on Bi polar people.. I believe they are very much into themself. When they cry and show you emotion it is not for what they are doing or about to do to you.. Its about how they feel. My girl would stand on her tippy toes look me in the eyes with hers full of tears and tell me shes sorry. But she was only sorry for the way she was feeling not for what she had done to me. After id hold her tight she would tell me what a great person she can be and that was the give away. when they go into the loving talk and sweet text i believe its a mixture of this self pity and some sort of self tought cognetive trail they walk (something they learned after repeatedly doing this) Break up after break up they see how others react and they learn the moves the emotions and they use what they learn works on us.. Like a tape recorder they just repeat what they have learned works for them on us. I am having trouble putting my thoughts into words so I hope you get what im saying? When the mania starts that is the un controlled them coming out.. thats where its all about them and the wants that they have. Now they feel alive and you become a drag on them. slowing them down trying to stop them from doing what they want.. sort of like a trapped animal they lash out at us make up lies to get away but at the same time pretending it was your fault. this takes away the guilt and lets them go full throttle into wild sex and drinking all out party time. They look back at you with hate and disgust for how dare you try to stop them from having fun when they feel so good.. you are a downer to them.. when the dust clears or the mania starts to vanish they begiun to feel like the dirty little shits they are. Sort of like getting drunk and having sex in a garbage can and waking up feeling the grunge and slime on them. The shame sets in and the cycle starts again they may or may not come back depending on how bad they have been. but they will turn to someone and start over again with the tears and pleads of how they dont want to live there life alone. the sad sad story and they love you and they tell you what they know you want to hear.. what works for them.. And it repeats itself over and over just like a re run of a old movie.. the more you plead with them to stay the more they will hate you for holding them back. Do they know what they are doing? Damn strait they do. they are not stupid and they are still human but there thoughts are of there own. very primitive sort of like a snake they run on instink. excuse my grammer.. fight or flight baby..sometimes both at once.. it may or may not make you feel better to know they will never stay with any one person unless there are meds taken. even then its up in the air. its an empty life but its what they choose.. manias a bitch.. ever wonder why no bi polars come into this room? being wrongs a bitch too..
Wishing well you will look for the same traits in a new partner and I mean the good traits not the bad. When you find this person do not over test them right away. But hold on to them and see how nice it is that they do not run away and are able to talk with you on your level.. peace will set into you and you will fall in love again.. Dont worry you will be ok without all the heart break.. Bittersweet you are very sweet but need to sweeten up a little more
try adding just a little baking soda to your diet to turn your blood more alkeline. the ph in you is the key.. just a little baking powder tiny bit each day as not to higher your blood pressure.. it cant hurt and should help from what i understand about c..
Hi Robert,
Thank you, I would like to believe you are right, such a person will come in to my life, at the moment I have no confidence in anyone, I can no longer tell the truth from the lies, I dont know if he will come back in to my life again, he has been gone a week now, I havent contacted him, his parting words were… “I dont love you and I dont need or want you, please leave me alone, this is doing my head in, bye!”
This is the most final it has ever been, usually the door is left slightly ajar…..
I know I need to move on, but I also know if he calls I will not be able to walk away!
The really really stupid thing is I know I should be able to find the strength to start again and maybe find happiness, but, he never will and that breaks my heart!
Wishing well,
I feel exactly like you do. I suppose that I have a really hard time with this more so because upon reading every single post on here, my situation seemed a lot better initially.
In the 48 months of being together, we had no problems other than January of this year, and what started August 8th recently. Even though the BP surfaced about 3 years ago, with a diagnosis and meds…I never had problems with her doing the crap she is doing now. It’s almost like the sickness is EVOLVING-or getting more acute. She is 24. That is from what books say, the worst of severity regarding episodes at this age. I have been wondering if the MEDS are making her manic, as the mania only surfaced AFTER we starting trying out new meds and these two incidents also started just after adjusting the meds a lot.
I don’t know….I wish I did.
I am taking today off, as my heart feels crushed more than usual today…AND, I am going out tonight so I don’t want to be too much in a funk. I hope the dinner date goes well…I need a distraction.
Without the kids and terri here, I am SO lonely. I miss the noise, the kids playing, taking care of them….talking with terri. The intimacy….ugh.
I HATE this disease. I feel for everyone on this planet that has to deal with a family member or spouse or friend that has this awful illness.
I WISH I KNEW IF OR WHEN TERRI WAS COMING HOME.
I CAN’T STAND THIS SITUATION.
HANG IN THERE ALL, AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
Hi Raan,
It is an awful illness and the one of the worst things is you cant see it….if a person has a physical illness everyone sympathises, but mental illness has no visible signs ( apart from what they do to us! ) people know little of it until it affects your life, people still laugh and make jokes about “his/her madness” depression is frowned upon…..why dont they pull themselves together……
I have yet to meet anyone, face to face, that has understood my situation!
I cant comment on the meds because my BP does not take and will not take meds, he is scared of approaching the doctors, he is scared of facing what he has and he is scared of opening “Pandoras Box” he thinks by not talking the demons stay hidden!
I am glad from what I have read of your posts that you are taking this first step and going on a dinner date, I too have been on a few dinner dates and it is nice to feel “normal” for a little while! Enjoy it, dont expect too much from yourself, just enjoy the moment!
I am lucky in a way, I have my children with me, they are my saving grace, I function each day for them but at night when the bedroom door closes and the loneliness hits you and the sadness of it all overwhelms the dark, we are both in the same boat!!
You sound as if you are young enough to be able to get through this and maybe start again, even though I know at this moment, that is not what you want?? x
Hi all, what I will say for now is that Lost and Found is right on today so I myself am sitting back and taking it all in. You sound great Robert and thank you!
Raan,
the meds can induce mania. Do you know the names first one and than what switched to?
Peace,
T
trusturgut,
In january, we started her on Symbiax(zyprexa and prozac) and the next day after taking it…I noticed behaviors I did not like and mentioned it…she told me don’t mess with my meds. aweek later, she was married to the crackhead while visiting her Mom for the weekend. Zoloft was all she was on before that. As soon as we got her off the Symbiax, she became her old self.
almost 3 weeks before THIS incident now, we up’d the lexapro, added wellbutrin, and cut the Seraquel in half (which controls mania) because she was too tired all of the time. She had her FIRST Psychiatrist appt a day before this incident as well, and it seemed to set her off, as she took off when I was sleeping with a fever the very next morning. She hasn’t been the same since. That pdoc appointment was The end of July.
What do you think?
wishing well
Your not listning to what I wrote. to a non bipolar there life appears to be aimless and stupid. but remember they do not think like a normal person they do not feel the pain they dish out to others. to them its your own fault.I once started a web string like this one. It was titled do bipolar have feelings? a number of them came onto the board and blasted me.. just what I wanted them to do.they went nuts telling me they feel more then anyone and that is why they sometimes hate us that we should not judge them they are happy in there life and it is us who are wrong. my xgf would tell me all the time how great she is about the power she felt at her job. how her job used her to fire people and she did it and could not care less.. one woman she fired was a single mother who cryed.. she did not care one bit.They enjoy being the life of the party and then retreat back into there cave. do not feel bad for them they like it.. over 70% said they would not trade there bipolar for anything.. they feel they are special and we are the idiots..I bet my thread is still there someplace.I will look for it..thats why I call them bipolarbears
pretty to look at..But they will kill you.. And I wonder just how many have done just that?? think about it??
Lost and found….
Perhaps I have it wrong then, but my partner tells me he has feelings…..they just hurt!
He tells me he hates the way he feels and he is not happy in his life?
He has most certainly never felt special, he feels hated by everyone and doesnt want to feel this way?
He hates the way he looks and always feels as if he is not good enough?
He has only had 2 very short mania episodes in the 15 months I have known him and they have been very mild, he has had long episodes of depression?
This is the first aggressive episode I have known?
Is he Bipolar?
He is not pretty to look at….but yes he could if he wished kill you!!
wishing well
like you I have had no contact for one year not one week, would be lying to say that I dont think about what could have been had he have been a normal person with true feelings even my son said to me ‘ you know mum if that guy didnt have an illness he would be a great bloke ‘!! they dont want us because they dont want to have to care, the responsibility is too over whelming. The responsibilty of having to keep their anger in check is too tiring , they dont want to help us ‘ just like Robert said’ because its only ever about them & what they are wanting, also once you get to know them they dont like that either because then you can presume things about them that may be true & this then restricts their devious behaviour, like a child caught in the cookie jar, they get angry because you have found them out. One of the posts on here a while back was amazing ..she trusted her male BP to go out & have drinks with his friends then she discovered that he had a young pretty girl at his place so she went to his home & knocked on the door when the girl answered the door ( which one would have to ask had she been there before if she is answering the doorbell ) and it was revealed what her BP partner may have been doing , he went into a tirade & called the police ‘ telling her he hated her gutz & never to contact him again. So the next day she returned the bracelet he had given her into the letterbox & she never heard from him again . NO GUILT NO EXPLANATION NO SORRY nothing just very cruel treatment towards someone who had helped him. The more you help them & be nice to them the more they secretly despise you …they like a challenge , they like drama & neglect it is familiar to them & like Robert said its innate, its in their nature. Bipolars are novelty seekers , they are like children with a new toy , & once its old its no good any more, because they want something new , someone who cant pull their covers and peep into their soul because its a F..n scary place… having to be exposed for who you really are. A freakin frauster , so its much easier to fool the innocent new person with sweet nothings & charming manners because all that is projected back to them is naieve & vulnerable innocence & this is what they thrive on. BLUFF the good ol fashioned way reach right into your soul & rip your Fn heart out. Then when you start to question why they are not replying to your text or calls. In other words PULL their covers they Will RIP your freakin heart wide open. Being released from the daily 1st degree torture sessions because we know the truth & we speak the truth which BP’s dont like…is not such a bad place to be , not having to 2nd guess ourselves & constantly watching our back , ready for the next emotional land mine is not going to set you back is it ? Ask yourself this.. If you could have it all back tomorrow wishing well.. If you could wake up & have him there saying to you am here for you babe’ would you want it back YES we all would but that is not the reality ..the reality is a soul destroying predator who is ready to pounce , use you up for the comforts & security you provide wether it be Money as is RAAN’s case or wether it be the love u give the food u cook the wine u drink. I ask you wishing well have you ever had a great birthday or even a present from your BP what about Xmas & new years eve has there ever been an organised night with friends that actually went well ?? Wait till u get home & are lying in bed & the psychosis starts ..the yelling the nastiness, the confusion, the turning everything around to be your fault ASK yourself can you forgive the cheating
think about him with another women making love to them after he has just stepped out of your arms !!
IF you can say I genuinely forgive all of these things & get kicked in the Guts again whilst he comes & goes & runs you dry …look at Trusturgut her home, car , job, friends , family everything stable in her life undermined by your own Lover .If a stranger did this to you you would hunt them down, but hey its the thrill of the chase with these bastards once they have you its like a sick little game they play with your mind. Please try to fight the desire to return mate You will only give yourself more PAIN
thankyou lost & found for the tip ..am using beetroot juice has same affect alklanise whoops Spell check on that …I like what you have written today ..
Regards from Bittersweet
I had to read this 3 times…..I felt so sure you knew me?
I feel so scared today, scared someone will recognise these posts, scared of meeting someone new and it all starting again, scared of my phone going and it him, scared he will appear, scared I wont be able to ignore him, scared of the guilt of walking away from someone who needs help, scared I wont get away from all this……
Everything you wrote was ME…I had no Birthday card/present not even a “happy birthday” he didnt remember, Christmas morning I had a load of abusive texts, new year I had a “Happy new year BABE” the day after?
He has never met my friends or my family?
He has never used me for money, he always pays, he has brought me flowers, he has always paid for all our dates but I know what he gets from me comfort….love…good sex….
Last weekend he finally admitted to taking this other woman on holiday, she tagged along, she is no one, just a F*** buddy??
She has been to his place, she has been part of his life, I know that, he doesn’t have to admit that, I think shes as oblivious as I pretend to be??
He always wanted explicit pictures of me, I would never do that, he knows he has a lady in me and he always says that is what he loves so much, he says he cant believe someone like me can love him, but he feels not enough!! He has always been enough…..until now, when enough is now too much!
I found “photos” of this other person, I am more disgusted with him than her for taking them, I felt sick imagining the two of them “together” AND I still went back?? I justified it all by knowing she will be no competition if he had to choose, he doesnt love her, shes not even his type…..he loves ME??
I feel stupid as I sit here typing this, I know I should have run a long time ago, I didnt know the depth of this illness, I know now and thats why I have reached the bottom, I just need to be able to get out and its a long way up??
I always said if it ends, I will always be glad I knew him……
WILL I?
Lost/andfound
you are so right, you just cannot see it, it does seem that they are feelingless to others feelings, and the more mayhem they can cause the better they feel somehow, and yes they love power, but somehow we let them have power over us and we lost any power we had, i totally agree with you here. I remember that thread and yes bipolarbears is a good name. phew everyone been busy on here recently, i have had a job to keep up heheh xxx
Thats right he has feelings ..for himself..hes hurt its all about him.Dont you see that? Or is he not Bipolar and simply depressed full time? He does not show a manic side? Manic/depression?
Lost/found
Yes, there has been a manic side twice in a year lasting maybe a week each time….fast talking, feeling high, full of himself, can take on the world, makes long term plans, talks rubbish, doesn’t sleep. But the depression lasted 4 months the first time, that was the really bad time, the second depressive period was only about 2 months, the rest of the time he is more down than up BUT the last couple of months aggression has been appearing too?? When we met he had quite a few friends, he now has none, he has also been in trouble a lot at work and its never his FAULT?
Yes, it is all about him but he does know he hurts me….. afterwards? He has told me he ALWAYS hurts the ones he loves and he can never make a relationship work it ALWAYS goes wrong?
He knows he is NEEDY and he knows he has a very high sex drive. He appears to know what he is like after the bad times is this NORMAL do they know? But at the time he doesn’t know what he is saying or doing and I am unable to communicate with him?
He diagnosed himself as bipolar, he has seen a psychiatrist on 3 separate occasions but has never told me the outcome, this was before I met him!
He has a bad background, his childhood wasn’t pleasant, he hasn’t been able to hold down a good relationship, his wife had an affair, so did a live in partner! He has seen and done things the rest of us don’t want to think about!
I don’t hate him, I hate this illness, I know he doesn’t want to feel this way!
Any advise from anyone is so much appreciated.
Hey Traumatizedbeyondbelief,
you most certainly may email me at any time. I’m sorry you feel not completely safe to share certain info. I remember going through some of that which is why I stop using the house computer all together when I was there.
Trutrying@gmail.com
Peace, T
Thankyou so very much Trust… i will contact u by email… it seems people really get the trauma associated with these relationships…its like something from a hellish place
best regards
Raan, of the list of meds that you all of them are primarily antidepressants which has absolutely been known to induce mania in bp’s, except
the seraquel. The one thing that I always heard my bp say about medication is that she would miss the manic phase. Most pdocs know this especially w regards to Prozac and lexapro. That’s a shame. There are others beyond seraquel which might be too strong. Funny I used to be able to spout them off by memory I did so much research before she was put on meds this last time. Trileptal(I think) and respirdal are two others that come to mind. But again notice that you and I are having this conversation when Terri should have been participating in her own recovery.
Peace, T
Wishing well
a post for you above
from bittersweet
my thoughts are with you !!
Thank you…..today is hard, perhaps its the point of no return??
Good Morning Everyone,
Wishing Well, I most certainly have asked myself the same questions. No none of us say, ‘Hey nice to meet you or see you again now kick the crap out me emotionally from now until you are bored or done and/or I get too close to the truth’ . They are wonderful and consciencious and generous and loving in the beginnings. That’s what makes them so damn appealing and magnetic. I’ve stood back and watched my bp in a crowd before simply to try and figure out what it is. She believable! She mixes concern and hope and playfulness and confidence and flirtatiousness and a piercing interest in you etc. But as soon as you are on the hook the first perceived disappointment or questioning of them and Bam! It’s off to the races. No amount of explanation or apology or even get over yourself makes a difference. Suddenly you are the worst piece of betraying shit that ever walked the face of the earth. Until they calm down!
I had a dark memory the other day. I borrowed a car to run to the store and as I was heading back I had this overwhelming sensation of when I would speed back to the house like a maniac after work because I didn’t want her to get mad if I was too late or leave to go out with someone else if I was too late or yell or whatever. I worked 40 minutes away and at that time of the day the traffic was Hell! And I would do this night after night. I knew I was getting burned out when I began to hope that they were gone when I got there so that I could have some quiet time instead. I didn’t want the tenseness or the ‘why didn’t you answer my calls/texts or you know that my daughter needs to maintain being on a schedule blah blah blah. That last one was a joke because she seriously would start putting that baby to bed at around 6:30 and at midnight she would still be awake becuz my bp would get on the computer or lock herself in the bathroom texting for hours or spontaneously invite people over. When she was out however no problems I would have her in bed by 8:30 without argument. But she would keep her up because than she would feel guilty that she didn’t spend any time with her. This is a mild example but my point was that I began to notice in real short order that my heart would pound the entire drive after work I began to drive with my phone in my hand encase she called so I didn’t get yelled at and I would practical kill myself or others all so that I could somehow prove that I understood her, heard her and agreed with the importance of her desires. It was truly messed up. I began to not recognize myself. P/s she was home all day becuz she hadn’t been able to really work for years. She would make a couple of business related phone calls occasionally but mostly she would sleep if depressed lay in bed crying futz around on facebook looking for her next victim or start some shit with someone and that usually wound up taking A big chunk of her day.
Whew all that just made me tired and I just got up. See that’s the difference that distance makes. I no longer live in the how can I fix it mode.
Peace, T
Its just amazing what u wrote above Trust… unbelievable in fact… which is why when i pick myself up of the floor and can stand remembering in even more excrutiating detail.. i will email… thankyou for sharing the above i really identify … i cant take it in for long…i keep forgetting what people have written and feel so isolated..i have to keep coming back and re- reading then feel sick all over again…then relief then more anguish… i keep forgetting the bad way he acted.. blaming myself…it MUST BE MY FAULT such a great honest person could not do that… going over and over thanks so much for what u wrote so timely also
When they move on…has any one seen good results? like they just seemlessly genuinely seem to enjoy someone else with a passion?
Hi Trust,
I have just sat for 2 hours reading all your posts again. Its like my life spinning there in front of me but my time with a BP was much shorter than yours!
I felt that overwhelming desire for him, loved everything about him, could just sit and watch him, listen to him for hours but if I am honest the last time we spent together…..last w/e, I remember sitting looking onto his eyes, deep into his eyes and thinking there is no soul, there is nothing behind those eyes, I saw a glazed empty vision into someone’s soul but still I was taken in again with false promises of ” its all going to be different this time”
I am still checking my phone every ten minutes, I still have not slept and dont really eat but its over, I know its over, I hurt, deep hurt, I dont have the strength to forgive this time, that’s why I am here, before I would read what everyone else would be going through and not relate it to me, it just explained a few things that happened, but not now, now I feel like I am in the real world again but what has happened to me over the last 12 months doesnt feel real, its like I am looking in at someone elses comments…..nothing makes much sense today??
Wishing….I could turn the clock back?
Aw wishing, i know how you feel, yeah its all like a bad dream, mine went on for 4 years and have had no contact for 5 or 6 month and now am getting texts saying needs to speak to me, been ther and done that, and now i am very much stronger and probably wont answer and if i do i will be polite and nice but not get drawn into the drama. xxxxxx
Hi Michelle,
Have you had no contact at all in that 5/6 months not anything at all….I am trying to prepare myself with what to expect because I too think he will return. I cant see myself at the moment not getting drawn back in, I cant see a way out if he does……. I know I wont contact him but I never do, he always comes back to me??
Wishing…..the bad dream was over! xx
Hi wishing, since last year in july it was over, and never heard a thing til christmas, got an e mail xmas day saying sorry am more melancholy than jolly, guess it was designed to ruin my day but it never, i gave in and saw him that xmas week between xmas and new year, then a few times in january, then never heard or saw him again till maybe april, then nothing, no contact at all, til i was due to go away in july, told him i was going away and was busy, he asked if i would call when i got back, i never did, and now the last few days i hear from him, says he needs to talk, and left text and voicemail, saying i at least owe him that and that HE needs answers??? erm – i needed answers all that time agao and never got them, while searching desperately for the answers he once said ‘ sometimes there just isnt answers to ewverything’ hmmmm i think there is!!! i am now seeing some one else and dont know what i’d say if i even answered. i realy think its best left. xxxxxx
Michelle….thank you!
I am glad to hear you have moved on, it gives hope!
Today I have been trying to piece it altogether, I think I now know what it is that caused the outburst when he told me it was over!
It was something BITTERSWEET said this morning, she said “once you get to know them they dont like that either because then you can presume things about them that may be true & this then restricts their devious behaviour, like a child caught in the cookie jar, they get angry because you have found them out.”
Last weekend when he was telling me we were going to make a new start it was all going to be wonderful for us, I said we have to be honest then and I made him admit he had been seeing this other woman, he could no longer deny it…. as he has for nearly a year because he could see that I knew too much about it? So he made up some story about her being his F*** Buddy but I could tell he was panicking, he asked if I was now going to leave, I said “I have always known, I haven’t left yet??”
Then when he ran after the weekend, I told him in a moment of madness to go back to his F*** Buddy that’s when he really lost it?
So now I am thinking either he was panicking I was going to finish it and got in first or he really is going back because perhaps that’s all he really wants a F*** Buddy?
They always seem to come back and i think the reason why is because we are good people and when they have finished doing whatever they have been doing behind our backs, we are their safety net. please read kim and steve coopers website, i have said this before and bought her book, he had NPD narcissistic personality disorder but lets face it everyone with BP is a narcissist, i bought kims book, she is really good, the websire is called narcissismcured, if you cant find it then mail me, she had pronlems of her own, and she ended up putting steve right somehow, she is really good. she tells it how it is, and he is candid too. WELL worth reading her book, and she posts a lot on her blog to, of course i signed up for just about everything this time last year and have read a lot of stuff. kim cooper is the way to go i reckon. M xxxxxxx
Bittersweet I am all over the internet always looking things up to try and fix things..We US on this board are all fixers (this is for you too wishing and trauma) So listen up…. We are naturals at wanting to help we are fixers we fall into the part of the savior in the Karpmans triangle..Right Michelle? These polarbears they seek us out. They know in a very short time who we are and they look for us.. And then they use what they have learned along there lifes path on us.. dont forget they started life fairly normal and this disease progressed.. They learned what works and what dont. My x gf was divorced twice and still complained how could he have done this to her? Never once did she take any stake in the fall of her marriage not once took any blame. yes they tell you some stuff about how they have this or that. some to more of an extent then others. Dont forget we are dealing with diffrent relationships here. Men and woman/Woman and men/woman and woman..etc. So each one will go about things a little diffrent woman for the most part being liberal men not as much so. And its all in the simple way.. I like guns and hunting libs want to take them away. her the envirement libs claim to defend it haha..uum bs
The point being she would be less outspoken with me.. Being a guy I will only take so much shit.. A man will prob show more aggression towards his non bipolar partner.. a woman less.. Two woman equels the fur flying 
My girl would sometimes mumble under her breath that one day Id be calling her a bitch.. Id say what? and shed go quiet. Id say I dont care what you do or say to other people but dont try that shit with me.. and she would drop it. Didnt tell me much about being ill just enough to. well I found out what she was talking about…the bitch lmao
i dont think its a F buddy he needs or wants, i still think its attention, and if its new thats what he will be getting. For you to say i have always known and havent left yet, i think i did that a few times, doesnt that give them the go ahead to do it again, again it is the no boundaries thing, we have given them no consequences to their actions!! however, if we said we will not tolerate this cheating lyin etc, and i will leave if i find out you are doing it, that would be better, soft hearted and kind hearted we are, this boundary thing took a long time to sink in for me, i read book upon book on it. i didnt get it, but we are doing them no good by being wishy washy, they are like children and need treating as such, mine used to say that he would rebel, he taught me a lot of stuff unwittingly and funnily enuf. BOUNDARIES, i wil keep saying that over and over again. also please read about co-dependence, anything and everything – it will open your eyes, most people who are with BP’s are co-dependent!! please take the time to educate yourself, also google people pleasers. M xxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you for your reply, but perhaps I didnt add enough, I did tell him I will not tolerate you seeing her again, he said he hasnt seen her for months?
I am not co-dependent, I am the independent one, yes, I am broken because he is the first and only man I have ever loved but I am an independent lady, I have my own house, car and have brought 3 children up alone for 12 years now, I have no money worries, no health problems and no problems with my children….. that’s why I have never allowed him to meet my children!
I have no problem finding men to date and have had several dates while he has been running…..but I have never found anyone who made me feel as he once did!
I know my head is all over the place at the moment but I know what I have to do, I am just worried I will not see it through!
I dont “need” male company, I have been alone a long time but I would “love” to be in a relationship but would not have one just for the sake of it!
I wanted the relationship with him to work purely because “I loved him”
I think you are right about the F*** buddy part….thats me just justifying it again…..last weekend he just wanted to be held and cuddled and loved
AND THEN HE PUSHED ME AWAY AGAIN…..
Oneday I just said to her lets have a open relationship.. you see who you want to see and I wont ask questions.. She agreed.. Then excuse my lingo I really turned up the heat in the bedroom.. She inturn said she wanted me only for herself. I remeinded her of our deal and she said she did not want open.. she wanted only me for her and her for me.. Asked me if this freaked me out I said not at all.. Then she said she wants to friend me on facebook and put us down as being in a relationship and again I said no why should it? Well I friended her did the fb thing and the next thing I know she post a picture of herself looking sad.. wtf? within days she started getting weird and then pulled her shit and dumped me.. There is no winning with them they creat problems where there werent any.. And yes this board is filling up. took me an hr to post from my phone the otherday we may need to start a new string. Must be a full moon
Heheh Robert lmao, but yeah your right start of as the rescuers int he karpman triangle, til all of a sudden we become the persecuter, i no longer will ever be that!! yes the fixers and imagine i met you robert, we wouldnt be attracted to each other because we are both the same, opposites attract, how true that is. life seems to take us on this weird journey where we learn stuff and i have learnt that you cannot fix another, and there certainly is NO point of being on that karpman triangle being any of the three things, persector, rescuer or victim!!! never be any of those things!!! and maybe we will be ok?????? search me Lol XXXXXXXXX
haha robert, how funny they are, i have been reading a book called he’s scared she’s scared, and omg, ( iwill find all answers eventually)!!!! and omg maybe i am a commitmentphobe tooo. and maybe we all are, reading this has opened my eyes, ho i back away and trust me in this new relationship i am scared, like really -LOADS. what of?? erm i dunno, it just is, i am not used to someone being nice to me, i am not used to people even talking to me with respect, i want to run and i really like him, and sometimes i just totally need to be left alone, but hey i have spent the last year trying to learn just to be on my own and be satisfied with that!! does this make sense?? how strange, everything i wnat i back away from now?? why? xxxxxxx
Its been 8 months without her and im doing pretty damn good..it very easy to fight the small urge to go see her.. I do think that iv run into her once or twice though. once while pulling out of my driveway I thought her car went by but the driver ducked..Stalker? lol and this ones the best..one way to really piss off and upset your xbp is to let them see you out and having fun with a new date
oh yeah.. was at the beach talking to a friend of mine shooting the shit and smiles from ear to ear the girl being a very thin but shaply long haired brunnet in fine long and lean..ok getting carried away here 
.. out of the corner of my eye I notice a frantic type of movement coming from a nearby car.. As I came to my sences about this frantic driver parked near by I tryed to focus in on who and what was going on.. I stared directly at the driver it was a woman with longer hair then my xbp and wearing big dark shades.. we locked eyes and this woman panicked turned and jumped on the gas speeding off like a maniac… I later looked on fb.. yes she now has longer hair.add in the big dark sun glasses and Bingo! i think it was her.. I also think if it was not her or if she was trying to avoid me why didnt she just see me there and keep on going? why stop her car ten feet away and make all these frantic motions until I noticed? Ohh well just thought Id tell you guys what happend being that I thought it was pretty funny 
guess it bothers them when you are able to pick up the pieces and move on and enjoy like. Good way to mess up there day..haha to bad so sad tbss 
Robert… I am no specialist, I am new to all this but the bitterness in some of your emails makes me think you have a long way yet to go until you are free of her?
I am just starting my freedom from Bipolar and I really hope when he comes calling I will be able to walk away this time BUT I want to be able to walk away with only the good memories and with a clear conscience because at the end of the day this is an illness and there for the grace of God go us all……
Actually Michelle I am looking for another like me..
The tattoo guy I go to told me to stop pissing off the universe..lol I said what? He said the powers that be are trying to teach these people a lesson and I keep coming around and fixing it..lessons are not being learned.. He said its not what supposed to be! I said if it wasnt supposed to be then why do I keep running into them? He charged me full price to finish my tattoo..lmfao 
Michelle come to the US I need plenty of fixing 
Il even pretend bipolerbear if itl help hahaha and Wishing well wish yourself a printer and print out the pages you need to go back on and look at.. 
Its friday and Im ready to tear up the bipolerbears town.. there is a street fair there and my friends band in playing at the local gin mill.. its a few towns away maybe I just shouldnt go? hhahaha yaaa right 
Wishing well:
I knew a guy who said he never got his ass kicked… I told him he hasnt had enough fights 
its like this doll.. she caused me all the heart break one man can bear. Iv already been through the mill before i met her.. three yrs in divorce court lost everything house kids you name it.. been locked up three times for shit I did not do. then this Bitch comes along and lies to me tells me all the wonderful things even after I told her lets not go there lets be open you see who you want..no no no she says.. I believe her and get screwed.. as night time comes the depreshion kicks in i jump on my bike and take off into the cold night heading to the far end of the island. Where do I go? blocks away from her home to the water..Im the only one out at that hour..its freezing cold im numb.. left without even wearing a jacket just t-shirt and jeans and boots.. torn apart looking out over the water wondering why?? why me??? so fucking miserable if it werent for my kids id have killed myself.. I fire up the bike and burn down the street heading to a dead end I see a small opening the bike passes through. I rip up the street pipes blasting as I pass her house setting off every car alarm on her street Im sure her windows rattled.. an hr later im home. thats one night! I am doing what I need to do to get past this.. and its working for me.. I wont tell anyone how or what they need to do to get over the bs brought on by bp.. But for now i do what I want to do.. afraid of running into her? fuck no.. do i still hurt am i as you say bitter? ummm id say more spiteful now.. Her x husband also played a roll in this setting her off telling her I should not have met the kids because what is she gonna do when she has to dump me… maybe Il fix his ass too oneday? its friday and I busted my ass all week.. time to blow off some steam. yeah I guess I got a way to go but im almost there.. where? anyplace except where I was at before.. so wish me luck its all I have ever done for the peeps on this board.. I want you to find yourself a good man and treat him with respect.. You say you NEVER been in love? wow thats tbss.. I try to fall in love atleast once or twice a week
I do wish you luck of course and you will love again….but dont be bitter/spiteful because I dont think its hurting her……
We have all believed them havent we? We have all ended up hurt?
But the only way out is to become free of them in our minds…..its that “last thing I think of when I fall asleep/first thing I think of when I wake thing?”
I have never been in love no, until now….. and I have no regrets, no I shouldnt be hurting this much but we all take away a lesson learnt?
I thought I had found my man and I loved and respected him more than anyone I have ever known but its not a life I want to lead, so I will look again one day…..
“Life is not about getting through the storms, its learning to dance in the rain”
Enjoy your evening….
Im never going to change. am I a bit of a head case? Absolutly.. will I stop to help a stranded woman in a rain storm change her tire? fix her car not ask for a dime and get her saftly on her way? Damn strait I will.. I remember once a lady droped a few dollars in front of me by accident.. I went to pick it up for her.. she looked at me like she was about to scream.. I walked away and I felt real hurt…. I dont hate anyone.. As a matter of fact i love and respect the people on this board and I think they know it.. Iv never met anyone on here but it dont matter cause we share the same pain.. rich or poor
The only way for me to get through is to remember the bad.. I cannot help but remember the good..the good it huants me..I gave my heart and she took my soul and now Im burning up space on this baord..and Im sorry
I understand you wanting to remember the BAD, today I nearly wiped off all my BAD texts from him but then I thought NO because I do need to remember the BAD…..it will stop us from going there again! But I refuse to feel the hate that he seemed to feel for me!
You dont need to be sorry….you have posted some wonderful advice…..I just read such a sadness between the lines!!
My Dear Robert,
Please do not be sorry. You have every right to be upset over the loss of love with your bp girl. You are a normal human being whose heart, mind and soul are properly connected. I believe that everyone on this forum is the same. The bp’s in our lives are disconnected because of their mental condition. That is what is so difficult for us to wrap our heads around. Madness doesn’t make sense to someone who is not mad.They are the ‘wild card’, ‘the anomaly’. When my own traumatizing situation happened to me with my bipolaf bf,
I kept on visualizing a ‘scary jack in the box’. It has been my worst nightmare come true. I feel for you. You are a good person. You deserve to be happy. Go for something better. God bless you! And thank you for sharing your story.Like you, I too felt suicidal. My kids have kept me here. Thanks Bittersweet, Trust Your Gut, Wishing Well, Traumatized and Michelle. You guys keep me sane. You’re my virtual family/lifeline!
I wear my sunglasses at night…
WOW I WENT TO SLEEP & WOKE UP TO THE RYTHUM of life happening here
ROBERT ..i know your PAIN
WISHING WELL …I like you have raised 3 kids on my own, for 12 a long time , own my own place, car, am very independant & proud. I think my pride created many a mexican standoff with my EX BP . You can only throw yourself at them soooo much , you can only hope & pray that they will not be that awful tirant again. but the reality is do you want to BEG. I think not & yes like Robert if its bitterness its bloody awful revenge but at the end of the day ITS hurts me more to do the revenge thing than it hurts him.
I noticed you said in one of your posts that you didnt let him meet your children ?? am very curious about this . was there a reason for this ? di he look weird or was it his manner. Has anyone on here noticed the mannerisms of their BP are quite unusual …I at one stage thought that maybe mine was a female in a male body.
he had very feminine traits , & the energy shift in him was very unusual when in public…scanty clothing , cutting his hair & dying it odd colours, wearing strange clothing. Being ultra friendly to strangers then walk away & say a most incestuous comment about them. saying horrible things about his parents..who have only ever helped him, saying they molested him ? which I truly doubt. YET he was brilliant at other things could make a glorious cabinet with tools , fix a car , invent anything …but the visions of grandeur took over & yes like you Wishing Well i used to be amazed & in wonderment at him but that all wore off when I discovered the cheating. I too thought LOVE of my life , soul mates, How am I ever going to STOP thinking about this , first thing in the morn & last thing at night.
But then I asked myself this ? do u think he thinks of u the same NO do you think he is pining over U NO ..why make his thoughts a Priority ‘ when you are maybe an OPTION in his …IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ?
LOVE ALL u GUYS SO FUNNY & EDUCATED
Cheers from Bittersweet
Hi Bittersweet
I have always been very cautious of who came into my children’s lives, I didn’t want lots of “uncles” I wanted to wait until I was sure the relationship would last.
When we first met and before I knew he was BP he said to me lets take the children away for the weekend, I was that close but then I found out and he hit an episode of depression and it all started going wrong. The second time he mentioned meeting the children again he made all sorts of plans including them….it never happened he ran again! And so I decided it was best if I didnt pursue the idea of them all meeting and then only my heart would be broken one day?
Last weekend he did it again, he wanted to know how they would feel about him, would they accept him, he said it was so important to him because they were such a big part of my life and he wanted to be part of it all…..3 days later he was GONE?
NO…I know now I was never a priority in his life, he said to me a couple of weeks ago “My Mum will always come first!” He didn’t remember my birthday, he doesn’t know if I take sugar or not and after a 2 week break I text him and he replied “Sorry…who is this?”
Wishing….it could have been so different!
OMG the feminine traits and vanity…..could actually act\ be like a girlfriend sometimes… but wrapped in a guy coating..?(cos he just “got girls” so well)… Could walk into a shop be so sweet and charming engaging them in conversation.. to the “least” of the employees… youngest… oldest… prettiest not so etc then say hideous inappropriate stuff about them in the next breath out of ear shot…
laugh about text messages sent to him by other caring friends just enquiring of his wherabouts or well being…sayin stuff like…yeah she’s desperate just wants to have sex with me.. then laughin over another ones miscarriage… but make everything so funny u couldnt take offence???
able to snap back into dead true decency and knowledge of morality in the next second…
traumatised
wow thats amazing …what you wrote sounds like the same person. My Ex Bp had a long term female friend of his who had tumours in her spine …she wrote him a text message saying words to the effect ‘ probably cancer tee hee ‘ may be you wont last the year out ‘ hha hha & almost rejoicing at the message he sent her. Another so called friend of his contacted him & he said all she wanted to do was urinate on everything to mark her territory’
and the didnt even talk to her again & she just called to see how he was going …its like they like to hate people & wish they would break a leg & have misfortune or something …I think WishingWell said something about this too. then if you bring it up later about what they said to that person , they put it back onto you as though you had said it instead..uuuggghhh
from bittersweet
Ps…bittersweet, no feminine traits….exactly the opposite….thats what scares me!
wishing well you must be on the same side of the planet as me ..whilst the others sleep we in oz are awake
Look I can really relate to your story , very similar to mine an independant once self assured women who innocently fell for the love of her life only to be trashed by this disease. Its been 7 years for me on again off again on again with a break in the middle of 4 years no contact. I still loved him but like you just had to let it go ….it nearly killed me. I lost the father of my children through death & I reckon that was a walk in the park compared to this. after 4 years he made contact & the same old ‘ love u forever ‘ you are the one ‘ I knew I still loved him & the connection was still there. All the silly little things u never forget but wish u could like u I sat or aw sometimes & like you I am not an unattractive female too with good figure , well educated & trustworthy . thats what has really been the most difficult for me , the fact that he finds comfort in other women .
Unlike you my ex bp was not interested in my kids, he hated kids & had none himself …he was actually jealous of the kids & of coarse as i have all sons now in their 20′s they didnt like him much either . In fact my family didnt like him either my sisters despised him. They couldnt understand why I would continue on with this ‘thing’. consequently my family isolated themselves from me & so I chose a life with him to my own detriment because the more isolated I became from everyone the more i was illtreated & then when you are at your wits end with the constant headf..ks ..they leave you. so then its like u have no one at all because your family does not want to know & you dont want to hear ‘ i told you so again’ basically its been the loneliest 7 years of my life. this may sound a bit strange but I used to be able to feel what he was thinking & feeling , I knew if he was angry of forgiving I knew when he was with someone else, it used to almost send me nutty. In fact i would go so far as to say I wondered sometimes if I had the same disease from my reactions to him. I would get hurt very badly from his behaviour & he jsut seemed unconscienable about the affairs, he would make jokes about the women he had been with whilst they were ringing him crying. One of the women he ran off with for 1 year & lived with actually punched him in the face when he was having a psycho at her . & when he told me stupid me felt sorry for HIM . I really dislike how I have allowed this to affect my life ..& I have tried to move on & go out with other men but that seems to make it worse. I have been doing some extra work on my spiritual side to work through the issues . & like you am really not sure if I ever saw him again if I could be indifferent …I have resided my self to the fact that I will probably always have feelings for him, but they are just better kept to myself.
regards from bittersweet
ps they dont seem to remember birthdays at all & even if you remind them dont expect a present. I thinkthe only present I ever got from him was a bunch of dead flowers he had in his car that were thrown back at him from someone who he lied to & was found out ..so he gave them to me LOL
one thing I have figured out your heart can only take so much rejection !!
regards from bittersweet
Bittersweet…I am completely on the other-side of the world to you….but at the moment I am awake all the time!
I think that’s the key….you can only take so much rejection, I told him that on our last weekend together, I said “if I believe you want to make this work and everything you are telling me, this time will be the last, you run again and I wont come back”
My Ex has a daughter, she 18 now but he has only seen her once this year and she travelled to him!!
He gets on well with women, or so he tells me but he has no feminine traits and no vanity but his life long career has made him “tough” he did have a list of women on MSN at the start of the year but I have noticed they have all disappeared one by one…..there is just me there now?
He said he wanted to make this work because I am the only one who has stuck by him, it has taken all this time for him to realise I will not leave him like everyone else does ( he said he cannot stand the pain and hurt of losing someone else) sometimes I think this is a test keep PUSHING just to see how much I really do care for him??
Wishing….just wishing!! xx
Well my post a few hours ago seems irrelevant now, I just switched on my MSN and his once empty profile has now had 4 women added today, I am not sure if that’s for my benefit or if he is really just getting on with his life, and as upset… no devastated… as I now feel I have deleted him, wiped every little bit of him from my computer, no more long saved emails, no more photos, no more MSN….
It has been 2 weeks tonight since we spent a wonderful weekend together and he told me life was going to be so different, he loved me and wanted me and needed me, I was stuck with him…I was his Angel, he made all-sorts of plans and yet again I had all-sorts of dreams, only to be pushed away and told he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want me and doesn’t need me 2 days later!
As the days go on I am beginning to wonder what was reality, sometimes I feel like I am going mad, did I imagine someone said all that stuff….am I going to wake up and find it was all a dream?
Tonight I feel so alone…..
wishing well
same same same here , Look there is only so much we can disclose on here …but what you are going through have been there .. I was engaged to be married & I looked on his facebook profile , he had written ‘single ‘ & had 30 new women on there in one week. I have been at his apt & women have knocked on the door with chocolates for him.
read my other posts above.
if you want I can email you privately to help you
regards from bittersweet
Hi Bittersweet,
I have just read back over all your posts it is scary how much your time with him is the same as mine.
I must be honest for the first time today I smiled when I read this; I am ‘ moving forward ‘ am over it’ am nearly over it’ am getting over it’ am getting on with it ‘ without it’ without what ? what the f..k was it anyway ???
It just about sums up my whole time spent with him….what was it?
Everything you say has been the same, the women he has now become “friends” with today are nothing like me, total opposites, women who I would imagine are going to be very grateful to be with him, they look about 10 years older? But I have now seen a couple of his ex’s and as you said not blowing your own balloon but I am way out of their league, I attract a lot of male interest and he always said he could never have hoped to meet someone like me, so what the hell is it all about?? I know its not all looks but I am not unintelligent, I am well set up and my life is good!
I once found letters and cards and gifts all from different women at his place, I thought it strange he should keep past mementoes, I now wonder how “past” were they?
I related to the questions thing so much, just before we broke up I asked one simple question ” did you mean what you said about starting again?” he said ” I am sick of all this cross questioning, you are never going to trust me, I feel used now, you are pissing me off” It was one simple question which needed one simple answer “YES OR NO?”
I dont regret the good times but I do feel really stupid now because I went against everything I have ever believed in, I let my principles go and feel like I have lost my self respect!!
I JUST LOVED HIM!!
Thank you….wishing xx
wishing well
Look the man does love you … we must learn not to take it all so seriously. the love bit.. they cant handle it because it represents obligations that they may not be able to commit to. Dont forget they run off a lot of fear & to have casual encounters really doesnt mean much to them & certainly doesnt mean what you do to them. we are stable women ( used to be ) & we have expectations they cannot handle. even though we dont put our expectations on them ..they put them on themselves.
If you really want him back …you are going to have to realise that he will keep cheating especially if he is unmedicated. even if he is medicated (antidepressants ) which they usually choose just makes them worse it increases the mania.
the other thing is they rarely are very fussy when it comes to what the other women look like. They can be a mixture of young or old it really doesnt matter because the women they choose are out for a good time not for a long time.
the biggest mistakes I made was asking him why he was doing this to me…he wouldnt answer & then I would get angry. they dont have the answers because they are fuked in the head. drinking & drug taking make them worse. you… like me probably fell in love with what could have been. ( their potential ) It is soul destroying but u must learn to treat it as a bit of a joke ..from my experience they dont really care about what u want, they dont really care if they hurt you either because it just confirms in their mind that they cant go back to you once they have cheated on you anyway. Even though you still love him you probably always will, but he is not going to come running back to you if he feels like he has to answer to you ..& do you really want that anyway.
they cannot give Yes or no answers which took me a long time to learn . they cannot give any answers mostly because they feel like shit & are running around the place wondering what they themselves are doing most of the time anyway ..so trying to give you what you want is way out of their spectrum of decency. you would be better off treating him as casual as possible, not getting upset about anything & accepting that he will go off the rails. he will only come back he he doesnt feel intimidated.
hope this helps regards bittersweet
Interesting posts regarding answers to simple honest questions…and their absolute refusal to do so..
i asked my friend the first time he disappeared for 2 weeks…spoke absolute shyte about me to others and wouldnt return calls…
“why did u do that?…why did u say such nasty horrible stuff..why ignore me after telling me you just wanna be with me?? No tone no demand just simple decent tone please explain what just happened?…
This was the Answer: what do expect? ur expecting way too much… why do u keep talking? U just dont stop talking… Ur expectations are too high… It was cyclycle just no desire to answer the most basic questions of WHY did u just treat me like dirt and kick me to the kurb?…
YOU need to stop askin so many questions was the response again…???
WOW….Bittersweet, that just summed it up in one!
All the things he has ever said to me when hes feeling normal, “you are and ALWAYS will be lovely to me, DONT EVER FORGET IT!” I cant have a relationship with you, IT ALWAYS GOES WRONG” “its never been your FAULT” and when I asked what he wanted from me, he replied “EVERYTHING but I just cant handle it!” He said to me, I like being with you because you are not “in my face” she never leaves me alone…shes MAD!”
I have always been a good choice because I wouldnt have him living with us!
But now I have told him I love him (its a very recent thing)and he has told me the same and we have now progressed to a different stage and hes PUSHED ME AWAY….
Also he has admitted to me there has been someone else!
He tells me hes F***ed in the head,he tells me he feels like S**t, he drinks all the time, hes lonely? He doesnt have a life? Hes 44 now and its getting worse! Hes not medicated and yes the new women that have appeared look and sound as they are out for a good time??
His mania is what I think “mild” compared to what I have heard of others, his depression is long and very bad, last year it started in November just before “Remembrance day” and he was still down by the following March!
I feel guilt because I said I would never leave, I will always be here for you and already I have started to move away! I cannot live with the cheating!
My heart flipped in your first line “The man does love you” I told him I have never come first in anyone’s life but now I feel it is my time and yes, I will probably always “love him” but I want all of him!!
Wishing well & Trauma
u may have all of him for a some of the time, but you wont have all of him all the time. he will cheat on you because as i have told you as soon as he gets close to you and you become familiar to him , he will run.
am sorry but this is how it will always be , he wont give u answers, I used to text my Ex Bp & he wouldnt respond to the text for weeks …weeks later I would get the answer.
firget trying to have a normal relationship with him , he wont be there for you when you need to him
he wont support you like other men can emotionally or otherwise. in fact he sometimes wont even lift a finger to help you either. I was flat out getting the lawn mowed or the bins put out. I used to do everything while he just sat on the lounge & flicked the TV remote.
they hang onto perceived wrongs that they believe you have done to them for months, they will throw them in your face to test you, to try to see what your boundaries are & if you will snap. they are spirit breakers too they will try to break you push you to the wall..am not sure if you wishing well did experience this because he would have been uninclined to do this any where near the kids.
they do know right from wrong but when they are in an episode they cannot control the outbreaks.
the cheating thing will always be a problem because they will line the women up when they are with you still. they do have a problem saying NO & they will rebel against your goodness. this is mainly the behaviour of unmedicated BP but have witnessed the same with him medicated as well
they are spiteful & hurtful people who will not take responsibility for their behaviour & they dont like to be reminded of it either
regards from bittersweet
If I am honest Bittersweet the worst he has done to me is cheat and use words, the nasty words he has used have never been to my face either, when we have been together it has ALWAYS been GOOD….when hes not good, he stays away!!
I know I need to get out now because he has frightened me on occasions, he hasnt hurt me but I could see the intention whether directed at me or others and because I know he could hurt thats what frightens me, he is trained to hurt!!
But on the other side I see the good, he cares, he has done very good things for others, and I do see his pain!!
He said to me last week ” I am not BAD….am I?” No he is not bad, if he was, would I love him!
It is so good to talk to you, I know I have put too much on here and he may recognise me but this is the only thing I have to see me through this, my family dont know, my friends dont understand….I need something because I think he may come back??
Bittersweets accessment of wishing wells situation is SPOT ON>>>>LISTEN to her!
I am in the same boat….I’ve been talking to my BP in the last few days and it is seeming (choice word) hopeful because I don’t react to her having a new boytoy…I am cool and matter of factly with her. I am starting to think that she MIGHT be coming home…I am just waiting it out, as I love her.
DON’T react to ANYTHING they tell you….act like nothing bothers you, even though it does.
Be understanding, kind loving, and don’t take crap either.respect yourself and work on YOU. If it is meant to be and there is a good bond, likely they MAY come back to you when they run out of options.
Hang in there.
Raan… that’s what I don’t understand, when he told me he had a F*** Buddy I DIDN’T even batter an eyelid, he said shes long gone now and I asked no questions ( I didn’t have too I ALREADY knew about her!) After we finished talking about our future everything was fine we had a lovely weekend, it wasn’t until I got back to my home all the trouble started?
You are telling me to listen to B/sweet and she is saying they will always have affairs or F*** Buddys which I am listening too but why are you considering having your lady back then, are you prepared to put up with that, you see I thought the other lady was just an Ex/one off, until now and now I believe she is his F*** Buddy and may have been around more than I thought?
I cant live with that, I can put up with all the other stuff and I can help and support him but I will not share…..and funny enough we had this chat when we first met and he was the one who said HE would never share??
AND I am sad to say but I will never be an OPTION….I would have loved and cared and cherished him for the rest of my life, I was always understanding, kind and very loving but I have to have faithfulness because you see I do respect myself and thats why I have to be the only one!
I really hope your lady has realised she needs you and comes back to you soon, you clearly love her very much….she a lucky lady!
Wishing x
Oh, yeah…they will NOT answer questions….they refuse to tell you WHY they are doing this because I don’t think that they even know…they just do it.
In the last few days, My BP told me that she loved me…I mean REALLY loves me. Told me that she would rather be here than where she is living in another State away. Told me that she would rather be together than not…
ALSO blames me for everything and why she is not here…
Funny thing is, she was extremely happy here and we have been together for years.
Are you starting to get it?
it’s the illness and how it manifests itself.
It’s their brains and how they process…don’t take it personally. I know…hard to do, but try not to let it get to you.
I try and convince myself of this ever second, so I DO know how hard it is…
Yes Raan, he will never answer questions about WHY?
I am wondering if he has gone because we have reached a different stage in our relationship, I told him I loved him and he told me he has always loved me….we have never done that before, has it scared him away, is it now too serious for him? He told me the same as yours, I make him happy, I CARE for him, I am the only one who really cares, everyone else would have left him by now….but then he left me and he blamed the split on me, he said I spoilt everything but I didnt do anything, he then said I F***ed up his head? He didnt love me or need me?
Wishing well,
I have never in the 4 years of being with my BP terri had any problems whatsoever except for january of this year and it lasted a month….and since August of this year which is going on about 7-8 weeks now.
In my case, my BP doesn’t keep running off and cheating. It’s when she has these manic episodes which has only been this year and only two different times in 4 years.
I expect she MAY do it again if not medicated properly and up until now…I don’t think she is or has been. In fact, the two times that we have problems this year…it’s been from changing the meds significantly.
I am waiting it out for a while longer. I love Terri and the kids with all my heart. I AM dating though, just for company and not looking for intimacy.
Terri is unpredictable…and, MAY or may not be in her right mind, although all of the earmarks are there that she is on a manic episode. You can either wait, or move on. I have too much invested in this and with children involved, I prefer to wait AT THIS TIME.
I don’t have the problem YET? of my BP doing this again and again like Bittersweet had, at least I hope it doesn’t go that way if we get back together.
BP’s DO act like this though. It’s in their illness.
It ISN’T you or anything you have done, so don’t beat yourself up. In my case, there were a FEW minor things that Terri claims I was doing that made her leave, and I have addressed those things, but she still doesn’t want to come back yet. I am not attempting to worry about it as much as possible. She will come back only when she is good and ready. NOTHING can be done on my end until that point, so I just try and work on my own happiness, which is tough – I take it day by day, and some days are worse than others.
Be calm, collective, and remain stress free. It will help if and when you talk to your BP in this state of mind…
Don’t worry-be happy.
You are lovely…
But I dont feel like I can go back, my trust is shot to nothing now, not just the fact he may find others and if I am honest some of the texts I would receive at night didnt sound like someone who has invested a lot of time in others but its the running, never knowing if he will be there or just ignore me, this is the 5th time he has run after becoming close to me. I have learnt a lot and probably didn’t understand the full extent of the illness and as much as he has hurt me I could never hurt him.
You sound as if you could work your way though it, I don’t remember my man having many normal times, most have been depressive or aggressive, when in my company he is calm and charming, when out of site can be demanding and sexual.
Your lady has been messed up by the drugs by the sound of it, but you sound as you have a good idea what has gone wrong, sometimes I have thought I wonder if it works best if the lady is the one with BP because the man seems to take control, if he is strong she can lean on him, she can dissolve into floods of tears because ladies do that anyway but in situations where the man is the one with BP does he feel he cant ask for support from a lady, is it “not what is done….not manly…and in my case as you have probably guessed he is a soldier, big and strong how hard is it to admit to being scared of your demons…but you can go to war without a second thought?
He has admitted to being an emotional wreck?
I miss him so much, and feel so sad when I am removing bits of him from my life, we parted on bad terms even though I did say I am sorry ( by text…..he wouldnt answer the phone) and I have tried to understand, I also said I would give him time and space and always be here for him but he didnt answer!
I have doubts he will come back this time, dont know if that’s WISHful thinking because if he did would I just run straight back to him….I always have? x
Dont know how u survived that bittersweet…ur post left me feeling like PTSD with remembering that feeling of shock dread fear and humiliation.. U have been thru so much and u are still standing…like so many others…
Interesting to me how people have commented on deaths of spouses…broken marriages and generally bad things they have endured in the past…but whats also interesting is that nothing seems to compare to the after effect these people have had on us…all the other difficulties felt like a walk in the park..
Wishing you said he was calm and charming in ur company…but could be aggressive and sexual and not nice when away from u..YEP… and also they didnt say horrible things to ur face my experience was really nice things actually… usually about how good we were to them…but away from me awful things were said? is that right with you and you heard about it? if so that was one of the most mind numbing confusing things about the whole thing for me… how weird that they could be so incredibly endeared to us… but not away from us..my friend used to say he forgot how much he loved me when he hadnt see me for a while “out of site out of mind”…but could be so different around me…so full of respect and good things to say of me… then chuck a wobbly and disappear for days
How wonderful that u and so many others on this site have survived and support one another
Just sayin
Trauma
Wishing well,
There is NO logic when it comes to BP’s whatsoever.
NONE.
try not to read anything into it…I know it’s hard, but they don’t even know why they act like they do.
It is likely why they cannot answer the questions as well.
They are ULTRA sensitive…the slightest thing can set them off sometimes.
QUIT beating yourself up. Try not to have the broken record syndrome of What did I do wrong? You may have NOTHING to do with this person’s behavior…
Either wait as patiently as you can, or…move on. I hate to put it this way, but it’s all you can do.
There is NO reasoning with them. They will either come back when THEY are ready, or they won’t.
It’s not them, it’s the illness.
Raan, he has always said that to me…..its not you babe…..its ME!!
DON”T tell him you will wait for him Wishing well….
BIG mistake.
tell him you are moving on (even if you are not)
AVOID calling, texting, emailing whatsoever if you can.
IGNORE HIM> this seems to work better than not. I know it is HARD, lord I know.
I’ve already broken my promise to myself I would ignore Terri.
Today, I’ve texted her twice….NO REPLY.
When I ignore her, she seems to contact me.
No rhyme or reason…it seems that this is hat they do.
Read the posts on here…most seem to behave like this.
Some days, they want you, tell you they love you…others~ they blame you for everything and never want to see you in their life again.
Look at the name of this blog…it speaks volumes.
Yes it has worked in the past, he has always contacted me, usually with an apology, usually within days but he hasn’t this time, I sent him one final text last Saturday saying time/space I will be here, but yesterday I removed him from my MSN which he would have been informed about, he told me to delete his number but he didn’t delete me but he did add other women….for my benefit I WOULD imagine because he always kept most of his profile hidden from me?
I wont contact him, I am slightly scared of doing so anyway because his texts were so nasty when we split!
Have you ever ignored her texts…..I did once, he went mad?
I am moving on, I have already had one date and hoping for a second this week!
I want a partner, someone to share with, be with, trust and rely on…..not sure love is enough!
Wishingwell,
Yes, when I ignore the text msgs or calls, Terri gets mad usually.
Now, she has a new “love” interest and while we talk longer when on the phone lately, she doesn’t call me near as much as she usually does/did.
Typically, it is up to 3-4 days without contact max.
We have children which makes it hard to completely ignore her which I would like to do for several weeks, but either I want to hear the kids voices and tell them I love them, or….she calls to put them on for me to hear them and talk with them.
It really SUCKS being in this position as the Holidays are approaching and I don’t know what I am going to do with myself with no one here. Also, she is TOTALLY broke in the next state away and I expect(or hope) that
she may return with them as it takes a lot of money to give them what they want and need for the Holidays. I pray that she isn’t too stubborn to come home. I KNOW that it isn’t working for her up there and hasn’t since she left.
Don’t know why she refuses to come back….it changes (the reason) every time we talk about it. yesterday, she said she is thinking about coming back, but in the beginning of the conversation…she said I am NOT coming back and I am in a relationship now…
What the heck??? She frustrates me so much.
Think that sums it up too Raan….they frustrate us so much, we can see the reason for and behind everything.
You know she would be better off with you, her home, more money, kids get a family, she gets support.
I know I make him happy, make him feel good, take away his loneliness but they still choose to abandon us…..
And they move on so easy…..dont know how your date went but I had a date, was all very good, then a second, but now maybe there will be a third and I am scared, we will get to a stage where I will have to trust him, already I am at the stage I am not sure if hes telling the truth, but my voice of reason says why would he lie…..he hasn’t got BP but I am so used to lies or sentences with no truth……what has happened to that “happy go lucky girl” who knows what she wants but is finding it hard to completely close the door?
Michelle,
many months ago there was a post about a pretty well reknowned Dr’s video that was an expert on bipolar disorder. I ask you because you are our fount of information here. If so can u repost it for some of those that are new to this site?
Thank you so much, T
I’ve been physically and emotionally exhausted these past few days. So I haven’t been around much. But I have been reading and keepin up with everyone.
The last thing I responded to was when Lostand Found was sharing his strong oppinions heehee. The post I wrote was very long and lengthy the phone jammed and it would not go through so I got frustrated and said heck with it.
But the shortened version was that I remembered in the beginning of me finding all of you being very committed to my bps healing and filled with compassion and love for her pain and her struggles. I continuously set aside my own pain and wasn’t yet fully aware or connected with the devastation that had been created in my life. It was like dealing with a wounded animal daily, purring, than scratching, biting, howling and attacking. I wasn’t taking it personally but I was taking all the shit. Panda was big on constantly giving them back the responsibility of their actions. I honor and appreciate so much more now the anger and rage. That can come in the aftermath of their behavior. It’s normal and healthy.
Be sweet, be understanding, be kind, be calm, be educated, be outraged, be hurt, be f’n pissed!! Be anything that we need to be as a direct result of what we have all been through.
I was robbed of my dreams, lied to, lied about, threatened, verbally berated time and again, criticized like I had never been before, ignored, cheated on tossed aside and left behind. To god damn high of a price to pay for loving someone.
So when someone says they Hate this disease/disorder/mental condition. I get it and do not judge anyone’s reaction.
Peace, T
talked with terri today. She called me telling me that she dropped her cell into a glass of kool-aid and has no cell AGAIN….Funny how she keeps losing cell phones. I think she has no more minutes on this prepaid personally, but who knows for sure.
I asked her again if she would go to this cpncert coming up in two weeks that I paid $250 dollars for two tickets with back stage passes. She asked when is it, so obviously, she is thinking about possibly going or would just say NO. I told her that we’ll have a blast, and it doesn’t mean we are back together or anything…just a date for a great time. She told me she will let me know. I got the feeling that she is 50/50 on going….hard to say. I told her that her mom could babysit, I’ll pay her way down and I’ll get her back….She told me that I will have to ask her Mom, so I told Terri to get her Mom to call me please.
I asked her to come home calmly and cooly. She listened, and boy did I make it sound great. I even went as so far as to let her know all of the naughty and intimite details of what I am going to do with her when she comes home….when I got to the juicy and hot part, she cut in saying “Hold it right there!” I continued anyway. What I described is totally what turns her on….I know I got to her in a good way but after I gave this nice speech, she said…Raan, I told you I have a boyfriend and it doesn’t seem to bother you. I said, it doesn’t bother me…just let him go and come home where you and the kids belong.
Interesting choice of words “it doesn’t seem to bother me”…is this something she is doing….trying to get me bothered? Is she with this clown partially to get a rise out of me? Funny thing is, I have been told from various sources…he isn’t allowed to spend the night in her trailer, and never has been there even…he doesn’t have his own cell phone even…uses hers…is 17 or 19 years old….not sure he even has a job or his own place, and I kind of doubt it. I get the feeling he is just someone to fill the void, although I do not really know for sure about that. CLEARLY, and I told terri this today…I know she will be much happier with me than with him and I don’t even have to know him to be certain of this. She got quiet. I asked her to bring my kids home. They need their Daddy. I told her I don’t want to spend the Holidays without my kids…I want to be a Family together. All through this…she was quiet. ANYONE with feelings would HAVE to be moved by all of this. I was asked when are you sending child support money? I said Friday…do you need it? She said BADLY. I told her that were she back home, she wouldn’t have to worry about money like this…she got quiet again. (NO, I am NOT bribing her, just stating the obvious. I get the gist from the sound of her voice that she isn’t very happy. She sounds miserable in fact.
A last note…interesting that she is supposed to be working today, but when I texted Jessica (where her trailer is) at 3:30, I asked Jessica to leave a note on her door to call me. While I DID text terri to call me around noon, if her phone is not working , then surely terri is not working and got the msg. from Jessica. I wonder if she even has a job at all. I am starting to think she has lost her job IF she ever had one.
I made sure and promised terri that she and the kids will be happier here than anywhere else. I told her I love her with all my heart and I missed her smile, talking, holding hands, etc….she said “I know”. I then asked what, you can’t tell me you love me? She said, “raan, I told you I will always love you forever-always” and my response was”then why don’t you show it and come home baby?” She got quiet again. I closed with: You belong HERE, with the kids living with their Mommy AND Daddy. You KNOW I’ll do anything and everything to make you happy, and you WILL be happy here. I promise you will happier here than with anyone else, and I think you KNOW IT. She just listened and said nothing. So, I said, let me know about the concert soon, and call me when you can. She said she will keep in contact.
I don’t know WHAT to think. Did I do good or bad, I don’t know. Did she get “moved” by my loving speech???
Will it make her come home? I hope so. I am starting to doubt more and more that she is ever going to come back. This Friday will be TWO MONTHS apart. That’s a long time. She should have been back by now I would have guessed if she was going to at all. She DID say to me though that it wouldn’t be anytime soon when she said we were getting back together.
I almost think that she is doing this because she is young, and wants to see what else is out there. Bipolars DO do this sort of thing though. And, while I do think that she has and is on an episode for two months now….I am starting to think that MAYBE, sick or not, that she was going to do this regardless.
She clearly does NOT want to be with me AT THIS TIME or she would be, and I wish I knew why…
WHY in the world would she pick a teenager with nothing to offer her like in the crackheads case too for a relationship???? I mean, these guys are NO competition…they surely cannot replace me whatsoever! What motivates her to want to spend time with a guy that has nothing other than company (or sex?)
Could she be doing this partially to get a rise out of me???
Hi Raan,
I may not be much help but here goes…..I didnt see my ex BP for 6 months, we always text, sometimes everyday sometimes just once a week, we emailed and had long chats, then he started phoning, then we met again it was 6 months almost to the day before he came back!! This time it has been two weeks and NO contact at all….I dont think hes coming back this time!!
We never spoke of other people though, he has never asked me if there has been others and I never asked him, until we got back together.
I too have asked myself many times why would he choose others, I have seen some of the others and they are older, rougher and look more like a lady of the night….I am the exact opposite but as bittersweet said in previous mails, it doesnt matter to them who they go off with and my opinion is they go off with people they wont fall in love with because then they wont get hurt!!
I cant say if you did good or bad but you did what you felt you had to do, we have all done that at one time, she knows you want her, her home is there with you, only she can decide now?
I have wondered if my ex putting women on his MSN profile is to get rise from me but it hasnt worked because I HAVE deleted him, it hurts to see others!
I love what Trust said earlier;
I was robbed of my dreams, lied to, lied about, threatened, verbally berated time and again, criticized like I had never been before, ignored, cheated on tossed aside and left behind. To god damn high of a price to pay for loving someone.
I feel like that and I have decided it is over, BUT, is it ever really over…… I have had a date with someone new twice now and tonight I decided I couldn’t stand to be hurt again, so I PUSHED him away, it seemed easier to tell him now than to go through this awful pain of loving someone again…..
Raan …I hope you dont get hurt…she is playing games.
Wishing Well
must have missed one of your previous posts above & have just read it now in response to my post written above yours.
you mentioned being scared …I know that feeling
you cant explain what the fear is ..but its definately fear …fear of what they have done to you behind your back , fear of wether a blood test is necessary to for you to check you havent collected some awful disease , fear of not wanting to go back but not being in control of your own feelings , fear of the phone the texts , other women , someone finding out what you are up to etc etc
but the main thing that stuck out for me was when you mentioned the explicit photos, OMG it took me back to an awful experience I had with my ex bp when he had very explicit photos of a new women he was seeing whilst with me & I didnt know , he had gone out & I needed to do something on my computer , but i had prob’s with mine so I used his innocently not knowing what I was getting into at the time . When the photos came up & god knows there must have been divine intervention as I could not have found that file had i of tried. the photos were very warped & disturbing I was so shocked when I looked at the date & realised that they were very recent ..I started to shake , in fact I almost threw up it affected me so much, I broke out into that warm feeling I know recognise when having any left over collateral damage issues pop up . But the worst bit was the women was real she was with him in my house & they were doing really devious things to each other at my expense. I had to act fast as I went into panic. The first thing i did was get my blood tested & sure enough my suspicions were realised . I had contracted an STD. I was mortified & humiliated …it took a while before i plucked up the courage through immense fear to address the issue. Of coarse he denied it until I told him I had seen it on the computer WELL he went into a severe tirade that lasted hours , about what a sneak I was looking thru HIS computer. It turned into the END again with me being the criminal .
it took me 1 year to recover from the trauma.
Regards from Bittersweet
Oh Bittersweet
I dont know what to say now, you have highlighted all my fears, I do suspect I may have contracted something, I dont feel right but I AM far too scared to visit a doctor at the moment! I feel so stupid, so naive, I cant believe I fell for it all, I am not a teenager what was I thinking?
Sexually I am very confused with his behaviour, he always told me he was highly sexed, he wanted photos of me(which he never got)he sent me videos of himself…..but the last couple of times we have been together he has had trouble having sex and I suspected several times he has been “faking” it??
Last time we were together he said sex wasnt important between us now because now it was love and not just sex?? He just wanted to hold and cuddle!
I feel a mess at the moment, I feel very lonely, I tried to tell my mother last night, she didnt understand she just said “you dont need that, tell him to get lost” people dont understand what it is and has been to us, we have been in a way brainwashed by this illness, we have done things we would never have done in a normal relationship, we put up with so much…. and now we are left to pick up the pieces!!
My marriage ending and being left to bring up three small children alone has been a walk in the park compared to this, I wonder if I will now ever have a normal relationship, will I ever trust again, I get asked for dates everyday and I am absolutely terrified of getting close to anyone again!
You have opened my eyes to so many things, my biggest regret now is why didnt I join this site when I FIRST started looking at it a YEAR ago….
Wishing…xx
Hi Raan,
I’m glad your contact with her has been non-hostile.
But has it occured to you that she cheated on you with the crackhead and than married him. Than she left her now legal husband and moved back in with you than several months later
she left you again and is living near her ‘husbands’ family and now cheating on her ‘husband’ with a teenager?!?
This could potentially be one of those things that you hear so many of us talk about when we said we begin to look away from behavior that we under normal circumstances would find abhorrant. And as we look back wonder how and for how long have we lowered our standards.
Secondly, is the child support you send just for Sophie or for all three? I hear you asking
repeatedly will she come home, how do I entice
her to come home and than you segue into ‘well I guess if she wanted to be with u than she would be by now…’ I know this is all very hurtful and confusing. But currently if you are sending money for all three although that is incredibly honorable, if you cut it back to simply what you are responsible for than you might flush out an answer or two. Second conversation in a little over a week where she’s more focused on ‘did u send the money yet?’. And now her ‘husbands’ cell saw the unfortunate fate of drowning. What’s the implication there? Please buy me a new one, Raan…if you want to maintain contact w the children. Yuck. If there’s any truth to that notion that’s emotional blackmail. Of course I always hope Im wrong. But if you are no longer footing the bill for all four of them to live 500 miles away. It would at least force her to take a different course of action. Come home, or get another job. I’m not so sure that her lack of response to your overtures or intimate talk isn’t just an act of tolerance and waiting for you to stop rather than contemplation that you so desire.
Raan, I hope u understand that I’m only ever trying to shine a light on the possibilities. Most people can’t imagine thinking along those lines, can’t imagine such manipulations and audacious behavior. Don’t think about the possible consequences and stds that mania induced hyper sexuality can bring. How they learn to listen just so much in order to know what’s going to work on you in order to get what they want or think they need.
The best way I know how to sum it up is that they don’t live life they strategize through it.
They live in the extremes of emotions and are deficient in the apporpriate firings in their frontal cortex(sometimes referred to as the executor). That’s why the outburts and irrational behaviors make such little sense.
Peace, T
Bittersweet,
she’s playing games with me? I think so too. But what can I do to make our chances of a reunion better and quicker?
I am back on the “no contact” thing for as long as I can. Ball is in her court and I want her to really miss me.
trusturgut,
I send ONLY money for Sophie, and it isn’t enough to live on ($50 a week when sophie is THERE-not when she is here.) I am looking forward to Sophie coming back here for about 6-8 weeks in about two plus weeks. Lord, I miss her and the boys (terri too). What is she going to do when all the money is cut off for this 6-8 weeks??
Btw, she and the kids are about 175 miles away. it takes about 3 hours to drive there each way.
Yes, I am putting up with a LOT of crap. I would NOT do this for anyone else. At some point, I will not tolerate it any more, but for now…I want my wife and kids back. Which takes me to my next point- You seem to think that she is without a doubt MANIC. I do too, but lately…I have been not so sure. Most likely she is, but I find it hard to imagine a person can stay in this state of mind for two months and act so “lucid” MOST of the time. Sure, she is erratic and changes the story all the time. Lately…for the most part, she just insists that she has a boyfriend and isn’t coming back. There isn’t any feelings involved when we talk…like she doesn’t love me or ever did. It’s strange. I find it hard to imagine that this woman was so out of her gord in LOVE with me, and acts now like I am nothing – acts like it’s just business. So distant and uncaring. Yuk.
So, you think her lack of response to my flirting is just putting up with me, eh??? Hmmm. I KNOW she LOVES it when I flirt with her. Not now, eh? She doesn’t want me to do anything that arouses her? I’ll stop I guess.
Wishingwell,
thanks for your reply. I am not certain if you are ready to date yet my dear. When you are ready…don’t be scared. Not everyone is BP on this planet. Give yourself to someone fully when it feels right. This is the only way to fall in love again. hang in there.
THANKS people! I don’t know IF terri is ever coming back. I get the feeling that we are drifting further and further apart and nothing I do or say seems to stop it. She just isn’t into me. For whatever reason BP or not. I HOPE it’s am episode, as I have a chance that she will come home that being the case…
Shee-oot, I don’t know anymore. I am heartbroken, angry, frustrated, deceived, etc….
I really really thought that this woman was THE one. I would have NEVER had children with this woman if I knew she was going to break her promise about raising kids in a broken home. We both agreed to stick it out having kids….her word doesn’t mean crap anymore to me.
Raan
am so sorry its not as good as you had hoped , really u just cant have any expectations …this is going to shock you but just an incite into the mind of a bipolar.
Supermarket Scenario
Aisle 1. Life is great…la di dah, am going to take dance lessons, travel the world, can smell airports
Aisle 3. life is not worth living, might as well end it now, feels like my whole family has been wiped out in a carcrash.
Aisle 5. will have to write that novel, colour my hair blonde tomorrow, get a new job , hate those people ,maybe need some new friends, Gee that soup can is a great colour.
We all fall into the trap of trying to just get them to snap out of it. look up SSRI’s wrecked my marriage on google.
if terri is on SSRI’s she will think she is in love with someone else until she is not . u yourself have heard her wake up & say to the crim ..who r u?
Look I know your pain ..it does get very frustrating & to be honest I really didnt find dating another any help at all it just made me miss him worse.
I have heard it said the best treatment for a bipolar is to lead a boring life.
remember each day you will not likely hear from her, & if you do she will want something. Remember each day you cannot have expectations of your partner because she will let u down. Remember each day that the love u have will always be there, but after so long u will become very drained from the crap they dish out. and never ever forget they are a Liability at worst, and maybe a good mate sometimes. they may never be able to support u emotionally or otherwise, & that their world is one of utter chaos, even if medicated. U will always be the blame & believe me I know how much you love this women.
lets just hope that one day soon she will turn it all around but in the meantime nothing u say or do will be respected whilst she continues to break free & mix with trouble. the longer they are on their own, the more trouble they can get into. & u r right her word means crap /..if she truly is bipolar it will mostly be this way.
I know it hurts & u just want her to come home, but they are your needs not hers & she will entertain herself with you until she sees or meets someone new, because they are novelty seekers. u would get more loyalty from a dog at this point in time.
regards from bittersweet
Raan, I feel the same….his word doesnt mean crap…I had 6 months of YES, I am staying…..NO, I am going!!
If she comes back will you ever be relaxed, will you wake each morning wondering if shes still there, when your working will you wonder whose in your house, I would wonder all the time “where is he, whos he with now, will he come back, will he stay??
YES, I miss him, I miss how he laughs, how he smiles, how he touches, how he smells, how he kisses but I dont live in fear now, I dont jump when the phone rings because I know its not him!
Yes I am scared, but scared of my future and my feelings but I dont want to live in that fear again!!
You are slightly different you have lost your family, I know you will never lose contact with your little girl and wanting them all back must be agony but as some of the others say can you live the rest of your life in FEAR? XX
Wishing well
the sex hhhhmmmmm well what can I say , like you i felt there were times ( without being to explicit )
when he just didnt want to satisfy me , he would sort of tease me & then drop me on my ass & just want to cuddle too . but i do think the SSRI’s affected his performance, psychologically I think he struggled as well with standard love if it wasnt spiced up with bondage or the like it certainly wasnt tantric love anyway..no depth an apt description. maybe the emotional depth just was not capable.
one of his sayings was words to the affect of ‘ I may not be able to love u like u want me to ‘ if not love then sex is safer ground for their detached state.
my mother doesnt understand either she reminded me in her diary entry of when he ran off with a women & told my mother he had been trying to get rid of me for 3 months & I was a stalker.
I dont think I am ready for another male , but am getting closer to being ready . like you i miss things about him as well, but I still come back to the fact that I really dislike being ignored , when someone cant oick up the phone to talk to u & almost fall over themselves for a stranger in a shop u do wind up asking yourself would u be better treated as a stranger than a lover. I really liked TRUSTURGUT analogy of ” its like living with a wounded animal on a daily basis but Like I said to Raan u get more loyalty & uncon love from an animal compared to them
kind regards from Bittersweet
Bittersweet….thats what I dont get, what you have just said and what I have read, my BP was the most normal lover I have known, he never wanted anything out of the ordinary, no porn, nothing, and he always wanted me satisfied that was his main objective but he would go without satisfaction. Unless…I have just thought of this…. it came from elsewhere??
He never ignored me for long maybe because when we first met I told him ” if I text someone 3 times and they dont answer then I never bother again” because I always noticed when it got to the third he replied….but not this time, this time is so different to the other times, maybe because he knows as I do, its over!!
Did you hear anymore, you said he was in contact with you again?
I look forward to your info….its so like my story! xx
Back after a destructive weekend.. WTF am I doing? Oh well atleast I dont remember shit… Haha
Noticed she bought a new car.. Self induced paranoid brought on by there cheating ways.. Some of there bull shit is from the disease and some is from all the bs they pull.. after hurting who knows how many people I guess they never know who is going to show up pissed off.. funny they remember what they do or they wouldent be so scared.. Things arent so bright on the non bp dating game either.. there is a new disease among single woman..its called 12 yr old sons.. Cant I get a freaking break? lol BP had a 12 yr old who gave her hell about dating.. the woman I met after bp has a 12yr old son who pulled a knife on my son.. through my silverware and plates in the trash and did what ever he could to destroy our relationship.. well the fat little punk won.. told momma whats been going on etc.. and she defended the brat.. So I kicked her to the curb.. Are there any normal people out there anymore? Or is this the time and space I am cought in where all I am going to find are divorced with kids and or mental case woman? wtf I give up too lol.. Ha just kidding Im not giving up I know I will find a normal woman one day.. maybe a chick whos husband died or something?
Ha ha…. Robert, there are no normal people left, those of us who were normal have now also been tipped over the edge!
Mine also brought himself a bike, he already has a car, now he has a bike too, he only travels 8 miles a week to visit his Mum because he lives where he works and he cant drive most of the time because hes drunk!!! But he has 2 forms of transport and when he goes into the city he goes by train!!!
We will find normal one day….until then?
Ps…..I have a 12 year old son….hes perfect!!
Bittersweet,
wow. I understand what you are saying, nut why did she pretty much love me for 4 years with only two episodes . She is usually loyal and loving. Is this from the SSRI’s or the BP??/ Who knows, but she is taking SSRI’s for the problem and the problems with our relationship started with taking SSRI’s.
I think by giving her time, she will come home. I hope so. We have kids…it’;s hard taking care of them solo. I just have to wait it out until she gets bored with this kid she is currently seeing…shouldn’t take too long. Also, the Holidays are coming and she can’t pull them off solo without any money I imagine.
With hope, it’s an episode and it too will end eventually.
I heard what you told me in your reply and looked up ssri’s wrecked my marriage….Yikes!
What a mess I am in. I am sad. off to work
Just got a call from terri’s friend Jessica and we talked about 45 minutes. Terri has her own place with section 8 housing in a week or two. All terri will have to come up with is about 60 bucks a month. Terri and Jessica talked a while last night. Terri seemed happy…in fact, she is not taking meds anymore. Jessica’s husband noted she was acting different, but seemed happy and energetic.
They asked why she doesn’t want to come back home and she said she just doesn’t want to and put her head down. They asked her why is she doing what she is doing, because these kids have NOTHING living like she is living…she put her head down. terri claims that she is in a relationship now with Dusty and I don’t seem to get it. She said she is thru with the crackhead. She also said IF she came back here, it will not be any time soon. Jessica made a big deal about those kids need their Daddy and it isn’t right what Terri is doing….terri said that the kids are happy. Jessica said that the kids are miserable. Jessica told me just ignore terri. Let her realise just what she is missing and this isn’t going to happen unless I completely fall off of the radar and seem to be moving on for real.
jessica suggested that I run this by terri…cask if I can come up when I pick up my daughter in a few weeks and tell terri I’ll spend the weekend up there to save money and gas and spend time with the kids and give her a break to do whatever it is she wants to do on her own, or spend time with all of us, whatever suits her. That way, I’ll be able to see the kids and give her a break. After, I’ll take sophie with me and this will take some tension off of the situation.
I like it.
Sounds like terri is possibly getting a new job that pays okay. Jessica seems to think that she might just be able to make it up there alone and wonders if she just might never come home. jessica thinks it best that terri and the kids come back, but is also thinking that terri isn’t going to at the rate this is going.
I’m depressed hearing all of this. I don’t know what to do…I am very upset. need to go to work, but all I want to do is pace the floor. grrr.
Jessica is going to try and talkmwith her tonight again and see if she can get thru to terri – terri does not know that jessica and I talk. I hope terri listens….I kind of doubt she will though.
This just keeps getting worse and worse.
I wish there was something I could do to fix this mess…it is out of my hands….I don’t know what else I can do.
Raaan the episodes as they call them can last anywhere from a few minutes to a year… My xbp beauty went off on a manic trip that to this day has not ended.. They still know who we are they just to wacked out on there joy ride to care.. when they dont like you I guess its all buisness.. thats how my x sounded the last time i spoke to her..zero on the emotion scale ..just flat.. As far as sex goes bp betty would tell me to eat a good breakfast cause Im going to need it.. in manic mode she was a sexual dynamo..But I turned the tables and did her like she never been done before.. screeming how much she loves meeeeee….. then she said she hurts all over but in a good way! and then she dumped me again..Weeeee roller coaster ride and yes you will feel better when you are in a healthy relationship.. I felt great for a few months until terror children came on the scene.. but now I am back on my own and not likeing it.. I am best when in a commited relationship.. but not with someone who should be committed… this weekend was rough for me. Wishing Well your bp drives a motorcycle drunk? lmfao. Boy hes really does have a death wish.. Iv tryed that stunt a few times myself… But only when I didnt care about myself. I hope he dont join a MC club he pull that BP shit on the wrong person and hes done…They will tune him up!
Robert, he does have a death wish, many times he has told me he wishes he was dead, he had a major op. 3 years ago he often says he wishes he had died, he told me 2 months ago he more or less had Cancer….he didnt!
He would worry me with suicidal feelings, he has lost a lot of friends, he has seen them die….he has no fear of death!! Sometimes his pain is as bad as the pain he has put me through!
Wow i also googled ssri’s ruined my marriage, my ex bp was once on prozac and it said it made him crazy (crazier) and had to come off them. i once read that a man who never gambled got a serious gambling problem after taking them, hmmm they mess up your brain, i’ve been on them before, for three months, that was enough.
Sorry i cannot repost that website re Bipolar as i cannot find it.
Hmm the talking of the males having feminine traits, mine did too, we once took the dogs out waling and bumped into some lads having a party in the woods, and he really flirted with one of them so badly that afterwards i asked him if he had any gay tendencies, that did not go down well. even my mother once said he was very effeminate, and i couldnt see it at the time.
erm well mine has been texting over the last week and last night i got – “I want closure, all the times i was a horrible twat to you was cos i am in love with someone else. i asked who, and it was someone i know, a friend of mine, he asked me if i would tell her he was in love with her and that his life was s**t without her, that she made him laugh she made him smile then he said do i need to go on?? erm no i heard enuf i think, he is 41 and in the text he said he ws 25 and that it was better to of loves and lost her than to be like this!! ?? confused?? you bet i was!! today he says his different personalities love different people – what did i say all along?? they dissociate. he has obviously got many alter egos and i said it all along – like jekyll and hyde. then today my phone rings and rings off the hook and i get text messages asking me to talk to him because he loves me. said that the end was nigh and all i had fought for over the last few years was there waiting for me???? omg what the hell?? so eventually i answered the phone to him and he asked me if i had slept with his lesbian friend, or the lad that has beaten him up a few months ago, and did me and the person he is in love with play games with him and set him up?? oh dear. i asked if he had had a drink and it was obvious and he said yes so i said maybe he should calm the drinking down as it doesnt help. he said pardon????? ( as i used to drink quite a lot myself) and i said i dont drink half as much as i used to and he said noone could drink half as much as me, i had to chuckle. however, he then called me a liar etc and started calling me things – i wasnt going to get drawn into the drama once again and said i wasnt going to be on the phone to him to be called a liar and be abused and that i was hanging up now, which i did, the texts are still coming in askin me to talk to him and saying that i am the one who can save him. he said there was other things he has done that he is ashamed of and that he wants to get them all off his chest? why now, i just dont understand it. this whole thing is neverending and i too would like closure and to know why this that and the other happedened but why the big turn around when he tried so hard to lie and cheat and deceive all those years. grrrr. M xxxxxxxxxxxx
Michelle….that is scary!!
I really do not want that, I feel like I have had my closure….NO I DONT LOVE YOU….thats closure for me!!
I often think what if he comes back, I can ignore the text messages and the phone call but he knows where I LIVE that scares me, I have my house for sale so hoping I will move and start a new life before any of this may happen?
You are obviously moving on too, I wish you all the luck in the world…..God its hard isnt it?
x
yes wishing it is scary – i dont want it either, i hate it, in the past few days i feel really really rotten, he has made me feel like crap again, even just from texting, i didnt want to know if he was in love with someone else or one of him was in love with someone else, i dont even want to know that one of him loves me, he only has my mobile number not my landline fortunatley and it was ringing all last night, i have i on silent now, he also knows where i live, and i have had the locks and stuf changed before when i have been scared, i’m not scared of him in that way now though, i dont think he would ever physically hurt me. but the texts are so weird, he asked me to use my mental powers to find paul burnley and that it would be hard as he is hiding, (he is a singer i think). he once told me if i wanted to know how he feels about me i had to listen to the song late night psycho by spear of destiny, i tried to get the words googling them but had to buy the album in the end ( years ago) and it was scary – even the title is, he knew all along what he was going to do if that song had any truth in it. omg xxxxxxxxx
The song thing made me think….his song and one we would refer to was “dream a little dream of me”….not so much a DREAM now though…..turned into a NIGHTMARE!!
When I first met him and I didn’t know about all this, I was having trouble with my EX, he would say let me know where he lives I can send some of the boys around!
It worries me….for very obvious reasons!! xxx
Raan…I dont know what to say, you have helped me a lot but the only advice I think I can offer is your own advice……you are going to have to IGNORE her. Someone told me they will only come back when they want to??
I no longer want my man to come back, this time I have been hurt to much but I know you do, but you want back what you had, will it be the same if she does come back?
During the 6 months I was apart from my BP I would often try to persuade him he should be with me, I was good for him, he would be happy with me, I took his breath away….but when I sort of gave up and I started dating again and I didnt call him or when he text me I didnt say a lot, all of a sudden he was suggesting we meet, it took him nearly 3 weeks to get me to meet him, for a change he had to work for my attention….
I think you have done all you can, you have a good friend in Jessica perhaps you should leave it to her for a while to see if she can make any sense of it all?
As you once said to me….hang in there!!x
Raan if you dont start to prepaire yourself for the totle break up you are going to be destroyed. Sometimes not only bp but regular people just want out.. My xwife not bp but ten yrs younger then me broke our marriage. I have two kids with her they were three and eight when we split.. She is now also with a younger guy.. She dont seem as happy as she was but hey guess what? She made her bed now she has to lay in it.. prepaire for the worst.. you dont want to hear this shit from me but…. im telling you this because I been there! bp or no bp shit happens.. when I got divorced I had no one to talk to..not in cyber world or any where else and I thought id die.. Came real close a few times but the idea that she would collect off of me stopped me.. The best thing you can do and its not a nice thing to do is visit your children but dont go alone. Bring a new girl with you.. If that does not make her snap back into reality nothing will.. A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend of mine a real tall glass of beautiful.. xbp drove by slammed the breaks on and was giving herself whiplash trying to gawk at me from about 15ft away.. When I focused in on her she hit the gas and took off like a rapped date.. Good for her.. she had it and she lost it.. I hope she thinks about what she did..if not ohh well.. I feel better and thats what counts..
wish… was he in the army? where he see these people die? sounds like a hard case.. if so did you ever see proof of service? hate to say it but these bpolarbears lie alot……I mean a real lot… and stupid shit too.. Mine would lie over things as dumb as telling me she dont buy cookies and only makes them from scatch.. I open a draw and there in my fave a package of chocolate chip cookies’ lmao I mean wtf? why lie about that? Mine did not like to talk about her bp at all.. And I didnt push it.. I could tell when she started to turn though.. speach was so fast I couldnt understand her and her eyes were blazeing.. She was the life of the party… they have no problem meeting new people they will burst right in and join the crowd.. took her to a party a few times shes was the only chick I could hear laughing.. Told my friends wives I was in for a good fu##ing when I got home…did they need to know that?
Robert….I DONT NEED PROOF, HES STILL THERE!!
Have you read all my posts….trained to kill….scary…
Nothing about his life in the army is a lie, I have seen it all, he is a hero, he has saved lives!!
But he is highly trained…and that doesnt help, we train these men to be aggressive ( and in their defence what horror have they seen, it must affect your mind? ) and the army is full of Bipolars and men who cannot hold down a relationship!!
Mine would lie about silly things too and I didnt know why….once I told him I wouldnt be home till 2pm but I got home at 12 noon instead, he came at 2pm and told me he had been at 1pm but I wasnt in, my car wasnt on the drive, but I knew I was??
Yes, he too was the life and soul of a party, he would also talk fast when manic, come up with wild ideas but he wasnt medicated and the manic was not as bad as I have read about, the depression was worst!
Why do I still miss him so much??
this string is too big for my phone..we need to start another one.. Lets call it why do bp lie about stupid stuff? That should lure a few of them into the room
Lets not…..I am scared of being found out already!!
heheheh wishing yep indded a nightmare. i recall now mine once said something similar regarding my ex, said he could get his knees taken off, omg, i reckon he said it to see if i was that sort of person, the sort who would do a thing like that. ?? xxx
OMG…..Those are the exact words he used to me!! xx
RAAN, am concerned very concerned for you please try to see a councellor ..broken hearts take their toll & I know u want her back so bad …am hoping for you she turns it around, but in meantime find someone else to mend your heart.
ROBERT
U r hysterical …the kids well what can i say , my ex bp hated kids, but they do all grow up eventually.there is a father drought u know , most kids these days are raised by women !! npt such a bad thing but they do really need that male mentor around
& when boys find a male they like, they love them with astounding grace & admiration.
MICHELLE
the gay questions ?? Ive been there too, went down like a ton of kangaroo tails , he freakin used that on me for 6 months …your ex does sound very dillusional i must say & yes they are scary , but mainly they scare themselves i think , very sad !!
always feel so sorry for my ex bp , I hate that feeling , why do I feel sorry for someone who wont even text me back or call me ??
WISHING WELL
there is a well of deep sorrow in your soul, you have done evrything true to your beautiful heart & like me are dismayed at the outcome. It is incomrehensible how they treat the ones they love , U R very intuative & this is where the fear comes from u maybe even mirror his feelings, thats what I did & ended up with a better understanding of what bipolar must feel like kind of without the psychosis bit. I am like litmus paper absorb all the energies around , I can feel what my kids are doing. I have not seen ny ex bp for 1 year , have had a couple of very brief texts but no emotion at all ..he has been on the SSRi’s for 1 year too. he has single on his facebook site & has accumilated quite a few new female friends.
HERE IS MY FUNNY STORY …I deleted his number from my cell phone a few months ago now …after he sent a message saying to me ‘ he gave me his loyalties & that wasnt good enuff either !!WTF anyway 2 days ago I hit a flat spot , speed hump, hole in the road, more like a crator i think …so i put his number back into my cell casue i thought if he rings me !! wishful thinking ) I will know its him & not answer.
anyway …( long story ) I decided to text him a message just casually saying hello ( what was i thinking !! ) cause he would play the game ..I text a very casual hello hope u r feeling ok ( not trying to jump off a building ) no i didnt say that but anyway I didnt get a response which is not unusual ?? so a day later I text a very emotional text spilling my heart out about ‘ STUFF ..anyway no answer again 2 days later I thought Oh well ‘ nothings changed he never responded to my texts …then I get a text from hin saying WHO’S THIS ? so I got all upset & didnt answer …gave myself a hard time for making contact etc went into depression & had NO PRIDE left , dragged my sorry ass to work . when I got to work the cell rang & it was him …so I answered & this young girl asked me who I was ??? as it turned out i had actually put the wrong digits into my cell for his number & soooooooo he hadnt received any of the text at all & I breathed easy PHEW !! what an Idiot I am I cant believe I did that ..
Weak weak weak , & broken all my boundaries I promised myself i would never to again ..SHAME on me
felt like I was doing so well ..THANK GOD the powers that be above !! had me mix 2 numbers up on the cell !! there was my answer !!
Regards from Bittersweet
Bittersweet, your story made me laugh, halfway through I thought, oh no it will end the same as mine where he sent a text back saying “who is this” but I didnt give a thought to you having the wrong number, perhaps your right it wasnt meant to be?
I keep thinking should I text, should I worry about him anymore, I would normal just ask if hes ok but I felt real hate last time and to be honest I am just to scared to ask because I dont know how he will reply, it just seems/feels so strange not being in contact with him!
aw wishing, yeah your right about the army thing, my dad was in the army, he fought in ireland and saw one of his freinds killed by a sniper about 2 meters away from him, he never mentioned it to me, maybe they bury stuff like that, men dont like to talk about stuff like that incase you think they are soft. maybe – i dont know. i thinki am pretty much like that. dad was a very unemotional man, the only one he knew how to show was anger, he had little respect for my mother and always cheated on her, what are they looking for these men?? will they ever find it?? my dad died alone and lonely and had one relationship with a married woman after my mother – so i think i answered my own question???? xxxx
Yes Michelle he does have buried stuff, lots of it, he once said he couldnt take the lid off it because hes scared it wont close again, he thinks the best way is to keep it down, dont make it real!!
He has been all over the world fighting, twice in Afgan, N. Ireland, kosovo, S.America, Sierra Leone ect….he has save soldiers from death in the middle of minefields, bits blown off, seen several friends die in front of him, he also lives on camp and even now sees the funerals taking place when they are brought home! It has to have an affect on top of an illness!
Soldiers are known for cheating, not able to settle and to have problems, he was only telling me last week how many other soldiers are in the same position has him!
He also said the same as in “I am better off staying alone, that way I cant hurt anyone!!”
Hope you had a good day and no phone calls? xx
its all linked this PTSD bipolar narcissism stuff, no wonder people get misdiagnosed all the time. xxx
Wishingwell that is very intresting to me.. I have a great respect for the armed forces both USA and all friendly nations so do not take offence to anything I say.. There is great use for bpolar in the military I am sure the government uses them to there advantage. I dont know if you guys remember but I once wrote here that my xbp was used in various ways by her job.. They can be exstremly task orintated.. When set to task they will work with a vengence until completion.. atleast mine would.. She was also used for determining what areas could be layed off.. closing entire departments and personnelly fireing people.. Once told me she fired a pregnant woman who was getting ready to go out on maternity leave.. She did it without remorse but she obviously remembers doing it.. When she told me she had a look in her eyes like she was proud to doit.. Maybe this is why I get spiteful and or resentful.. knowing the hurt she put on me does not bother her? Last weekend really knocked the shit out of me and I am feeling much better now..I just needed to get it out of my system.. Guess sometimes I feel like I was used like a toy and disguarded.. shes the cat and I was the mouse to be used abused and dumped.. I wont go there no and dig it all up again… cant take another weekend like that
I just want to meet the woman who is right for me and live happily ever after..
Robert….I wish a lot of men felt like you….BP or not!
I probably was a good target because I have spent years hoping I will meet someone who will be right for me and we can live happy ever after and my Ex knew this from the first day I spoke to him!
When I got home after the first date he text me and said he didnt want our date to end, couldnt wait to see me again and I replied “I cant believe all the stuff I told you” looking back now most of my first dates are about just getting to know little bits of each other, my first date with him he managed to get me to tell my life story, so he knew what I wanted from day one….which left me vulnerable!!
Yes, he is very task orientated he is a fantastic soldier (I was very proud of him) he attended 2 courses whilst I knew him, both a week long, for both courses he didn’t sleep, he studied all evening/night and he made sure at the end of the week he obtained a 100% mark and was top of the courses both times! Those are the times he is completely focused, he is very intelligent and sometimes I think when his brain is occupied with such tasks that’s when he shows less symptoms?
It is very easy for us all to feel resentful and for spite to take us over but how we feel will not hurt them it will only hurt us….I am glad you feel much better, I am still in the hurt stage and the very confused, its been 2 weeks now, he doesnt occupy my mind as much but I still hurt from it all but I know there is no going back now, as much as want too….. funnily enough I no longer feel used….just very sad!!
Yikes, what a day.
I answered my cell today thinking it was a client, and with so many calls coming in, I didn’t take the time to see even who it was…but it was terri calling me.
She called to tell me that the kids are doing okay and got quiet. Hmmm. Why is she calling me to tell me this?
I asked her, would it be okay if I came up on the 23rd of this month, stayed up there all weekend so I could spend time with the kids and I could give her a probably much needed break -or- she could interact with all of us as a “family” if she wanted to? This would allow me to see the boys and let her do her own thing and not cost me so much. She himmed and hawwed…
Now, I asked if after, I could take Sophie back with me until December. I mentioned it’s been almost two months apart, and I’m supposed to have 50/50 custody of Sophie and I’ve only had her for ONE week out of two months. She got irked and said, it’s supposed to be Adrian’s turn…you promised you would take him for a week next. I told her that YOU left…I can only get visitation and am only obligated to have Sophie, even though I want all my kids home…she said, “Yeah, and **I** have to come back too, then”
I asked, Terri…WHAT is it? Why don’t you want to come back home where you belong?
“I just don’t want to”, she said. “I don’t want to be with you…..you just don’t listen.”
She then went on to tell me that she ONLY came back in January because of the kids and she didn’t WANT to come back (odd, she called two weeks after marrying that crackhead begging to come home after he assaulted her. She said this whole last year that she has been unhappy and she isn’t going to come back to me just for the sake of the kids.
I asked her, so, WHY did you tell me CONSTANTLY how IN LOVE you are with me DAILY…all day long she would tell me this(texts, calls, on the dry erase board, notes, when I got home, etc)…why did you tell me how wonderful I am…that I am the stars in the sky for you…that I make you sparkle…that you have never been happier in your whole life than with me?
….IF you were not happy????
She said she DID tell me and that I don’t listen. She claims I hear only what I want to hear. I said, IF you told me that you were unhappy, I would not do whatever that was…telling me that you were happy only sends mixed msgs if you were not!!!! he got quiet again.
She told me that if I do not take Adrian (the middle boy-who LOVES his daddy) for a week next, then I cannot have Sophie….I told her that this is NOT right.
She wants to have Sophie for Halloween…wants me to get her for November and wants sophie for Christmas.
I have not told her this yet, but I am going to see if she will allow me to come up Halloween instead then and spend several days that weekend instead and take sophie back for 4-6 weeks after. I’ll bring her back mid-month, and bring the boys Christmas presents as well, and we’ll open the gifts then perhaps.
Terri couldn’t even remember that I have been in the trailer she lives in from 2-3 weeks ago! She tried arguing with me about I have never been inside-even after I described the layout inside very well, she insisted I have never been in it…I said, what is going on with you Terri….you are trying to argue with me on something that clearly you are mistaken about. Are you okay? She said, well, I still don’t think you have been inside. I changed the subject.
I didn’t want to get into it with her today. She was all over the map….doesn’t want to tell me why she won’t even try to work things out…I told her that the kids need their Daddy…I said she PROMISED that we would work things out as a Family were there ever any problems and NOT raise our kids in a broken home….She said that she doesn’t want to hear this because “I am putting things in her head” and I told her that what she is doing is NOT RIGHT, and she told me again, that I am messing with her head!
She then went on to say that if she came back, that she would be miserable just so I and the kids could be happy. I promised that because I love her with all my heart, and that I will do anything and everything in my power to make her happy, that she will NOT be miserable…It will be better than the best of our relationship ever was. I also said that if she isn’t willing to work out whatever problems that there might be concerning us-with a man that will climb the tallest mountain for her….that will do ANYTHING for her- because I want to…JUST to make her as happy as I can, that loves her unconditionally…completely….I’ve stood by her thru the worst of her depression…thru everything….I mean…I am totally there for her and have always been….anyway,
If you cannot make it work with ME, then NONE of your relationships are ever going to work.
I am the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have told me and you know this to be true.
She told me that she isn’t wrong and that I have to just move on, because she isn’t coming back.
I give up.
She is supposed to call me Friday and let me know what we are going to do about the Halloween and visitation arrangements…I’ll bend pretty much. I don’t want to be a jerk, as she put it today-because I wouldn’t take Adrian for a week. I think that the boy is driving her crazy always saying Da-da all the time.
She also asked about the next child support payment – I told her that since she is being so stubborn, that it’s all business I guess and that the payments are going back to what we agreed on with our contract. She got mad because I am not sending her extra anymore to “help her out”. I explained that it’s what YOU asked for from the beginning. I am just sticking to it.
I mentioned that she ought to ask her boy to help her out since she’s with him…she said, WHY do you keep calling him a boy? I said that IF he was a REAL man, he would be helping support her and the kids, get her a new much-needed-cell phone, and take care of her needs. THAT is a man, like I’ve always done. She had NO COMMENT. She doesn’t know I know that he is either 17 or 19 years old, but I suspect that she does now.
I know I screwed up a tad today, I should have just let all of this crap go….I should have just got on the phone and got off or not answered it at all if I was paying attention.
Did I screw up my chances of this ever working out or did I make matters worse???
I am so damn depressed that she is SO stubborn, and acts like I really did her wrong!
She didn’t mention that she got her section 8 ghetto low cost housing that I found out from Jessica, her friend.
in fact, Jessica called me a few hours after terri, and I told her briefly what we talked about. Jessica told me that terri is NOT coming back to me partly because she wants to be up THERE…Jessica said she MIGHT take me back if I moved up there, but is not SURE of it, but it seems like this was discussed or she would not mention it to me.
Jessica also told me that it isn’t that terri won’t ever come back to me, but for right now…Terri wants to be on her own, and wants to prove to herself that she can manage by herself, as she has never tried doing this. terri has always had a boy friend, and she wants to prove this to herself that she can make it on her own…so, for now — that’s what she is going to do whether I like it or not. truth be told, I AM proud of terri. Honestly, I did NOT think she would make it THIS far. In fact, if she gets this new job that jessica told me about and has to pay only 60 bucks a month for section 8 housing – food stamps-child support from me and medicaid for her and the kids….
Shoot, she’s probably not ever going to come back.
I am really really bummed. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up until this nightmare has ended.
I suppose that the one fact that gives me hope is, and this has been a constant thru all of this….
Terri herself has said, “It isn’t like we will never ever get back together, it just won’t be anytime soon.”
I know that she loves me and misses me. Told me last week that she would RATHER be here with me……… but she isn’t.
I don’t know if this is BP behavior or not….any one care to help me out here?
I would REALLY love for someone to help disect this for me PLEASE! I am too emotionally charged to know which end is up.
One thing I DO know is: SHE CALLED ME today. Just to tell me that the kids are okay…not because they are NOT – which WOULD prompt a call. She needs to know I am still here I think…and wants to have that security that I am here for her. WHY else would she call?
PLEASE REPLY PEOPLE!!! Thanks…sorry to ramble so much…I am a mess right at the moment.
I’ll settle down now that I got this out of my system. I do not know what I would do without this site. You people are SO wonderful and offer advice that varies, but is sound as we all have been thru it.
Thanks!!!
Awaiting responses-heartbroken raan
Gosh Raan….not sure where to start!!
She does sound a bit like my EX. find any excuse to call/text/msn but then when you start with the questions like I also did ( when you coming to see me, shall we talk, shall we go out somewhere together, do you want to talk about the depression? Whats happening to us?…..the answer to that one was “theres always an US babe just not so much of an US as you would like! ) he would go and I would have no answers…..until he was ready?
Many times he got in touch and nothing was sorted, I used to wonder WHY but now I think it was to know I am still there!! Just talking about it now, I want to cry and I know if he text this very minute I would talk to him, even after all the hurt, same as you, I would in moments run back to him!
We too made plans with my little family, he was going to teach my son to drive, even offered to share the cost of buying him his first car and now its all gone along with my hopes and dreams!
They seem to say all sorts of things and I am not sure WHY my ex would say he was leaving to work a couple hundred miles away, sometimes he would say he was looking into close protection work in the Middle East, I would say ok is that what you want and the answer would be “I want a life”
I really dont know what advise to give, you have children, 1 is yours I gather, 2 boys are not? My childrens Dad has very little interest in our children, he has seen his sons 3 times this year and hasnt seen his daughter for several years but you sound different and that must be so hard!
The man you describe sounds wonderful, how many times I have I wished I could find a man that will do ANYTHING for me because he wants to JUST to make me as happy as he can, that loves me unconditionally, completely and is proud of me!!
Maybe given time she will realise what she really wants but if I am honest do they know what they really want….2 weeks ago my man really really, wanted me, he had given it thought, made plans, got himself focused, was never never going to run away again, was serious this time, I was stuck with him….2 days later he was gone again….and not just gone, now he hated me!!
I am so sorry Raan, I know the pain, I am right there…..sometimes I feel really brave and I am so set on never seeing or talking to him again….and then other times, I would just forgive the lot, just to see him, feel him and hold him…….
Keep talking and I will keep listening….not sure if I am helping? xx
Hey all, just a quick note to check in and say hey. I’ve been reading and keeping tabs just zero time to comment.
Bittersweet,
when u were telling the texting story I was literally hanging on your every word. Than when I got to the end I Busted Out Laughing!!! I’ve actually been in the car with my bp before when some old flame called her and she actually did say who is this to the person and I was appauled frankly. Thinking how do u just forget ppl?!? She used to say to me if ppl don’t call her she doesn’t remember them. Bullshit. There are ppl she remembers from years and years ago. I Was One Of Them ‘the only real love she’s ever known!’ god makes me ill now to think that saavy ol’ me with the keen bs detector would’ve fallen for something like that. Sigghhh
check in later, T
I am drinking whiskey right now….bummed and not able to sleep. I am uneasy qith our phone conversation today.
It all seems so hopeless.
I know that this woman really loves me. I know that right now, she DOES NOT want to be here. She may never want to come back to me, and this is making me so sad.
I think that she MAY be on an episode, but I do not know for sure.
I wish that I had some sort of previous incidents with this behavior she’s exhibiting. This is new and I am scared.
Something tells me that if I just ignore her, let her be….go on with my life, that she will eventually come home. No guarantee, mind you…but the chances are better with this senario vs. asking, discussing and arguing with her about coming back.
I KNOW absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I have not been letting her miss me. It’s SO hard to do with kids involved and sending her child support money each week via moneygrams (I have to give her a number to pick up the money with moneygramming her..perhaps I should just send two weeks at a time so I can avoid her for two weeks at least???)
Jessica says that she will NEVER want to come back by talking to her all the time. She knows I am right here – I have to disappear off the radar and I mean DISAPPEAR for her to actally miss me and for her to start to think that I have really moved on without her. THIS might just make her want me back according to Jessica..as Bipolars have a great fear of being abandomed. being there every time terri calls just reinforces that I am here for her…waiting and ready to help. Her “safety” net….
I KNOW this stuff…I just have such a hard time following thru with it…
I need some therapy I think at this point…I am going totally bonkers and cannot get this crap off of my mind. I’ve NEVER had such a hard time with a breakup before in my entire life…Clearly this woman means more to me that anyone else ever has.
I don;t know WHY I just don’t say F##k it, and move on with my life with someone else that WILL appreciate me for being so passionate and loving…
I think that this BP crap has traumatized me something fierce.
This is such a load of crap. I feel like a piece of used garbage…tossed aside and ignored for whatever reason.
DO BP’s on episodes behave like this ????
Or, Is this a woman that was just plain unhappy and simply moved on???
SOMETHING is not right with this woman…I know this.
I just wish that I KNEW for certain that this is just an episode and eventually…she will come back to reality.
The children must be wondering “what the F is going on with mommy and Daddy???”
I want my Family back. I hate this situation.
1:30 am- Terri just called…she told me-Sophie jumped our of the shopping cart and got a blackeye…no concussion
good lord
Wow…that was interesting talking with her. after she rold me what happened with Sophie, I asked her if I could run 4 questions by her. At first, she wanted to go…then said, well go ahead…
I asked her to answer these questions Friday when she calls me back:
First off, I told her that I love her with all my heart, and I always will-unconditionally. I want to work things out cuz this isn’t working- I want to make her happy because I WANT TO, because I love her so.
1) WHAT WILL MAKE TERRI HAPPY?
2) WILL IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IF I MOVE TO THERE VS HER MOVING BACK HERE? (I know she would rather be in her home town close to her mom)
3) WOULD IT BE BETTER FOR ME TO COME UP THERE HALLOWEEN AND TRICK OR TREAT AS A FAMILY VS. COMING UP ON THE 23RD ? I’LL STAY UP THERE ALL WEEKEND AND SPEND TIME WITH ALL OF THE KIDS AND TAKE SOPHIE BACK FOR NOVEMBER AND PART OF DECEMBER IF THIS IS BETTER???
4) I ASKED HER TO PLEASE GO TO THE CONCERT THAT IS COMING UP IN A WEEK AND A HALF WITH ME AS I PAID A HECK OF A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS SHOW SO BOTH OF US COULD GO- NO STRINGS ATTACHED, ON ME TOTALLY, AND NO RELATIONSHIP TALK DURING IT.JUST A GREAT TIME.
that’s it…she seemed like she liked these questions.
I repeated them again…told her I would like these questions answered Friday.
I told her that I will send child support money tomorrow a day early because she probably needs childrens tylenol and whatnot. She said I do, and that would be really great!
I then explained that while money isn’t everything in a relationship, with three kids it is very important…and I have the means to support this Family and right now…Terri isn’t able to do what is needed alone.
I told her “I love you Terri” as I was about to go…
Instead of the usual “I know” that she has been doing for the last several weeks, she said “I love you too Raan”
Amazing. We actually got along well tonight. I hope this continues. I know…No expectations. Nothing has changed yet. I pray that it does.
Thanks for reading my rambles.
Oh, BTW…I KNOW I did the complete opposite of what I had said in the previous post about trying to reason with terri.
it just seemed like the right thing to do, and I’m glad that I did…It seemed to really hit home and she DID listen to me for once.
ANYONE care to comment on this drama??
My plan now? see how she answers the 4 questions on Friday and give her space regardless. My hope is that she gives me at least some insight as to where her head is at, if not more. Perhaps she will give me some hope, but I do not expect it.
Nighty night people.
ok i have a similar experience. i have to say this forum is amazing. i have learned so much and now realize it’s not me.
in short, i met this man about a year and a half ago. we met through a friend and things progressed at lightning speed. our first date he took me to meet some of his family and he went on and on about how i was the one. after 3 months he broke up with me saying i was just a hook up and that he didn’t care for me at all. I was devestated but i healed. I thought he just had a drinking problem but then learned through others that he was a very depressed person.
fast forward 10 months to this year. he shows up literally out of the blue (we had no contact for 10 months) and says everything i wanted to hear last year. we had another amazing 3 months but he did tell me that he was depressed about his job situation and that he went days sleeping and sometimes couldn’t get out of bed. things got better for a week – then bam – he didn’t leave the house for a MONTH. a whole month. he kept telling me to hang in there and that this happens to him sometimes. Well i tried to be patient but when 6 weeks had gone by without seeing each other (he would text and call at least once a day) – i put my foot down and said that we can’t be together if we dont see each other. he lashed out about how selfish i was (!?!) and that he was depreseed and had too much going on in his life, and the fact i could only think about myself showed him how horrible a person i was. i was shocked. I have only tried to help him and be there for him during this depression. The next he emailed me like nothing had happened and told me he was going to visit his sister to help her with her new baby. We live in the same town and have now not seen each other for 7 weeks. 2 days ago I texted him (since i can’t get him on the phone)and told him i couldn’t do this anymore. His response!?! – he avoided that subject all together and wrote about how cute his sister’s baby was.
I’m so torn and hurt because he has a HUGE drinking problem and is bipolar. i know these are not healthy things but i care about him so much. the face he evades any talk of us – when 2 months ago we were planning a vacation to the carribean and a trip to visit family for the holidays.
I’m crushed. everyone is telling me that i did the right thing ending it – but its only been 3 days and i want to help him still…
Abab….My man has a drink problem too, not sure how huge it is but he drinks everyday and I am quite sure passes out every night when not working!
I know what it is to care, I loved this man and would have helped him all I can but sometimes you just cant, they push you so far away that there is no way of going back…mine has done just that, the break up was so nasty that I now feel too scared to contact him just to see if he is ok…and if I did, I know in the back of my heart he would refuse medical help, he would refuse counciling and if he thought the drink would have to go, then be really mad!
They do avoid EVERYTHING, I would write long long texts to my boyfriend explaining everything I felt or wanted, he would answer a 5/6 page text with… “YES BABE”
The only thing I can comment on is the depression because I have suffered in the past from this myself, he cant do anything about it…..he cant “pull himself together” some days he will not even be able to dress himself, maybe not eat, wash, or even “drink” this was the time I could cope with my boyfriend the best, yes, he was sad and lonely and sometimes unable to talk but when he did he was calm and sensible.
He once described it as a deep deep hole that he couldnt climb out of and he just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep forever!
If you have read my previous posts you will know this is a brave, strong, fearless man who has text me telling me he is in tears!!
I often told him I couldnt go on like this but I stayed because I thought he needed me and some days I stayed because I needed him…..
Wishing….
Hi all, I have tried to find the article/website ‘ssri’s wrecked my marriage’. I need to read this can someone please post a link.
Abab,
I understand the unyielding desire to want/continue to help. To this day I still wonder if my bp is ok. Is her daughter ok? Is she still hiding out during the day crying or raging out and blaming ppl or living daily from all the grief that she’s been through in her life but in particular the last 5 years.
Having said that I am also a major advocate of ppl becoming an active participant in their own healing. To do it all is to cosign and enable them to stay sick and sad and depressed and treat the people in their life like shit. If you’ve done it all and he still disappears on you, refuses medication, declines letting you into his life but blames you for wanting to be treated with decency and respect and won’t seek counseling or help than make Real damn sure that you want to sign up for this life.
YOU are not a failure
YOU are not abandoning him
Say it all, do it all, give him lists of therapists that specialize in his condition, give him lists of pdoc’s, tell him that you will drive him to appts, AA mtgs if warranted etc
Do whatever you need to do that will make you feel thorough in your efforts fulfill your sense for
compassion do not attach yourself to the outcome. And than work for peace for yourself.
Ask yourself why in specific detail, is this time, this break up different than the first time with him. You will also always hear me say…tell yourself the truth.
Peace, T
Hello everyone….
I seem to be getting worst, the brave get on with it face has gone and has been replaced with “GOD how did this happen?”
I am going away for the weekend, somewhere quiet, to think over the last few weeks and to try to get back the person I used to be…..
Raan, I hope you have good news today and she rings with all the things you want?
Have a good weekend everyone!
Wishing…xx
Good Morn, Wishingwell,
a change of scenery is a good idea. Bring mental health supplies with you, laptop(if u have it) , journals, notepads, pens,etc. Think and write and/type until you just can’t anymore. I was clearing out some of the 300 emails that have accumulated from this site in the past few months and as I was rereading some of the posts from myself and others I realized that there have been some things that even I have forgotten about. It happens, it’s normal, the brain and body does not want to or function well under that kind of pain and stress for too long. But the flip side of that is than we begin to dull the severity of what has transpired in our lives.
Have a safe trip.
Raan, I to am sending you good thoughts. Make sure that you are fully prepared for the responses from her today including the fact that she might not even remember all the questions if she did not jot them down.
Peace, T
Thanks trust and wishing,
Last night jessica’s Husband called me to let me know something -this is the people that are letting terri stay in their trailer.
He is kicking her out today. I guess she got caught (or they have been told by someone else that ratted her out) sneaking in this teenager “boyfriend” and their were to be NO overnight guests other than myself allowed. He told me he was going to wait last night until she drove up and find out if she has been sneaking him in the van late at night. He told me that terri has been really screwing up something fierce. Sleeps all day, doesn’t go to work half the time, the place is a mess…
I am worried about the children the most, but terri too. I don’t know where they will go, nor if Terri is going to follow thru on calling me today.
The last two days, Terri has been nicer and calmer with me on the phone and even apologized to me yesterday about her behavior the day before….wow. That’s rare these days. I don’t know – I am scared for my children. I would like to think that Terri might just give up this senseless idea of trying to make it up there, but I know that she isn’t going to come back until she is good and ready…not because I want her too.
Terri also told me yesterday that she wants to go to this concert that is 11 days away that we have tickets for from months ago, but we aren’t going to have sex, because she has a boyfriend….that’s like adding insult to injury. I took this woman back after cheating on me and marrying a crackhead back in january and we have been together for years. Now, after being with this teenager for a few weeks, she won’t cheat on him with ME??? I am not surprised, but deep down am hurt. This woman is straight up nuts right now. NO good judgment, no good reasoning, and is dragging my children around with her on her silly escapades until she has burnt out every bridge that she has left. I think she is almost completely out of options at this point and this scares me…
WHERE are my kids sleeping tonight???
Are they all okay?
I have not heard anything back from Jessica’s husband yet…he told me that he will call once they talk.
I hope the phone rings today and the news is better than worse.
I am going to try to work and make some money…keep my mind off of this. I just want to sleep all day and rest.
hhhhhmph.
Hey Raan,
the first thing that came to mind was ‘let the chips fall where they may’.
I pray that Jessicas husband is serious about his intent.
Having said that if she does decide to come back now she will only feel like a collosal failure as opposed to returning out of pure choice. Just keep that in mind.
Protect your heart. Stay focused on the children’s well being as you are doing.
Peace,
T
Trusturgut,
Jessica just called me. Terri’s “boytoy” is SEVENTEEN for sure. He dropped out of school to be with Terri. He HAS been sneaking in. Jessica is sick with disgust regarding Terri’s actions. Terri told Jessica that she is going to move in with her mom in that 2 bedroom ratty trailer(worse than the one she has been living in)until her section 8 housing is ready because she isn’t happy here and hasn’t been for years (go figure…this changes all the time.) Terri said that she will sleep in a tent in the back yard if it is too crowded or if she has to. Yesterday, Terri told me that she is thinking of coming home because the oldest boy wanted his Daddy back and it made her cry when he told her this. When I told Jessica this, she said Terri says she is NEVER coming back. Fascinating.
I suspect I will not get a call from Terri tonight.
I don’t know what is going on with Terri other than classic Bipolar symptoms. She clearly isn’t thinking straight. WHY in the world does she want to be with a 17 year old boy?? sex? He has nothing to offer her otherwise?
I guess that your point of letting the chips fall where they may night be best.
I am thinking about calling DSS on her. The trailer doesn’t have but two bedrooms. There are 8 people there. NO furniture to speak of. It’s a gross place.
Terri has her section 8 housing available in a week or so…I am fearful that she will get this and probably never return.
I realize that this is likely an episode and when she crashes she MAY return, but who knows. Once she gets her own place and it’s all paid for by the Government…well, the likelihood lessens I am guessing. Also, my going up there and spending time with the kids and her having her own place…well…that boy is probably going to move in too…so there goes that idea of staying up there with them for the weekend probably.
This just keeps getting better and better.
I want to call DSS on her and tell them that she is sleeping with a minor and that the kids do not have adequate housing but I am not sure if anything will come of it for one, and it may just piss her off so bad that she will never do the right thing and come home.
WHAT do I do???? I am livid.
TRUSTURGUT (AND ANYONE ELSE THAT I HOPE COMMENTS),
I am so depressed…
I answered the phone without thinking as I was knee deep in work, and it was Terri. She asked did I want to ask her anything? I said, well…No.
I said, what about those 4 questions? She said which ones? I said, What will make you happy?
She said. I AM NOT COMING BACK TO YOU…PERIOD. YOU DON’T LISTEN (YESTERDAY, SHE SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT???) GO FIGURE. She also spelled that back to me (I am not coming back to you) and was mean to me.
I said terri, Come home for the kids sake and our Family’s…she said don’t make me mad or I’ll tell you I won’t come back. I said PLEASE…TELL ME. I won’t get mad.
She said, I want a younger man. I can’t keep it up long enough to satisfy her (Odd, since she said I was the only man to ever make her come-I know too much info, but it needs to be said so you folks can understand)and I don’t give her sex enough, which is funny because her libido and meds make her so tired all the time that I couldn’t half the time when I want to, but she IS partially right – sometimes I don’t want to when she did – but USUALLY I give her enough, or at least **I** thought so. I have to admit, that this HAS come up several months ago, and I tried to satisfy her regularly. If I didn’t do her often enough, I made up for it in quality and she agreed that this was the case….Anyway~~
She also said that I don’t listen enoough and that she can’t be her “self” here. I said, Terri, you certainly do all this HERE and I PROMISE, no, GUARANTEE I will do everything in my power to make you happy. In fact…It will be better than when we were at our best because I want o make you happier with me than ever.
She said she is happy with her boyfriend and she ISN’T going to leave him. By the way, jessica called later to tell me that Terri and Her “boy-friend moved into her section 8 house tonight and it’s not too bad. For the projects anyway She also told me that this “Dusty” boy was listening to our whole conversation tonight, so that could be why Terri was so mean and refused to give me a chance whatsoever. ??? Terri neglected to mention that she moved into her own place…which makes me mad, because I need to know where my kid(s) are.
Back to the Terri call…she also told me that she came back in January NOT because of the meds, but to try and make it work for the kids sake, but was NOT happy and refuses to do it again because I CANNOT make her happy. I said, we will do things different, and I want her to try for the kids sake, and to give our Family the best chance …I WILL make her happy…I promise. She scoffed. She also told me that I don’t let her work (I NEVER said she couldn’t work….she didn’t seem to want to)and that I control her and that I don’t let her do what she wants…(BULLCRAP, I don’t-I spoiled her rotten!) She said I AM happy here, and I am NOT coming back. You do NOT make me happy. I came back with, WHY did you tell me constantly how wonderful I am and how happy you were if you were not??? No response from her. I firmly believe that I did make her 101% happy…can I be that wrong about it??? Could she really be in her right mind and was REALLY miserable and was perhaps too shy to say so???
Terri told me that I need to not worry about her and her boyfriend and to keep out of her business. It’s not any of my business WHO she see’s and to quit asking her or others questions about what Terri is doing. it’s NONE of my business!!!
I swear, I find it SOOOOOO hard to believe that this wonderful LOVING woman of FOUR years is treating me like this ~ I am hurt, confused and angry with her. I am livid and my hands are shaking even as I write this.
QUESTION: trusturgut….You have read every post from me…IS SHE ON A PSYCHOTIC EPISODE MOST LIKELY ?
-OR-
IS SHE SIMPLY A FED UP EX THAT NEGLECTED TO TELL ME THAT THERE WERE PROBLEMS AND HAS SIMPLY MOVED ON????
I realize that it is ALL speculation and there is no way to know for SURE, but people on here have been thru this…
IS SHE SIMPLY on a manic or psychotic episode???
She doesn’t seem to be the Terri I know very well and LOVE…BUT, she seems like she KNOWS what she wants and what she is talking about. I find it VERY VERY hard to believe that she was truly unhappy with me and wants NOTHING to do with me, and as she put it to me tonight,,,When I came back in January, You and the Doctor told me it was the meds and I never thought it was. I came back for the kids and I was STILL unhappy and I am not going to be with you, so it is OVER. Sounds convincing, but then again…She is ALL OVER THE MAP every time I talk with her. She lies about everything…WHAT in the WORLD is she doing with a SEVENTEEN year old…he has NOTHING to offer her but a hard “stick” and if you ask me~ THAT points to hypersexuallity…maybe.
PLEASE – someone, ANYONE…could you please disect this and give me some advice? Do I do what she asks?? MOVE on and get another woman? My Uncle (who has a BP wife for years and years says that she IS having an episode and it’s a bad one. He said that when she crashes, most likely she WILL come back….
IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY THIS IS **JUST** AN EPISODE???
SHE SEEMED SO LUCID TONIGHT, BUT SOOOO MEAN.
Jessica said terri is NOT likely to come back very soon if ever and that I should just move on. Jessica is FURIOUS with Terri for what she is doing and for being with a MINOR!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK FOLKS??? EPISODE OR NOT????
BTW, I am going to work on my well being, ignore ALL calls…and try and get myself back on track. I MAY take her back as I love her dearly, but I am about all out of steam. I am EXHAUSTED!!!
Hanging in there as best as I can, raan
Oh, forgot to mention…Jessica told me tonight that Terri HAS been taking her meds all of the time-or at leastTerri SAID she was…and that tomorrow, she runs out of the wellbutrin and still has some lexapro and Seryquel. I ASSUME that terri may have medicaid or maybe not, but by the sounds of things, she doesn’t have medicaid back on yet.
Also, I mentioned to terri tonight that I want her to give Our relationaship a month long try, and if she isn’t happy after that, then at least we gave it a shot…I don’t think it makes any difference at this point, but she said she heard me and will think about it (yeah, for about half a second?) That was the last thing we talked about.
last msg I left I forgot to mention that the kids need us to be together for the kids to mature/develop into the best that they can be and that this is traumatizing the kids. She said that they will be just fine us not being together…funny. She told me YESTERDAY that Brandon made her cry because he wanted his Daddy back and that she was thinking about getting back together because of this and now tonight….Poof! Now, it’s NOT going to EVER happen….
She’s PSYCHO!
Hello Raan
have been locked out from this site for nearly 1 week
still a bit slow, taking ages to blog
just wanted to say STOP panicking, she will come good
just leave her alone for now
I am very worried about your state of mind, wish I could write to you but this site is really bad, computer keeps shutting down from this page
stop worrying
bittersweet
I spent most of this evening reading blogs and forums about manic phases and whatnot for about 5-6 hours straight…
At this point, I think that this is nothing more than Terri out of her mind. I know that there is nothing I can do except take care of myself and attempt to get Sophie away from her for as long as possible until she comes back to reality.
While Terri seemed SO convincing to me tonight about why we are not together and why she is never going to come back to me, I have to say that reading these forums and seeing a common pattern among all of them that ring so true about my situation as well tells me that when Terri finally crashes and I am sure that she will eventually, most likely she will get in contact with me and probably tell me how sorry she is about everything. There is NO guarantee that she will want to start over nor is there that I will take her back either- I know this.
I cannot fathom her behaving like she has over the last two months if she is truly just fed up with me and our relationship and in her right mind. There are TOO many indicators of her running in a Bipolar Episode these last two months. There are WAY too many similarities in these forums that indicate she is “off” right now, and while I can’t predict WHEN she will come out of it, I know that eventually she will. There is a great likelihood that things will not work out with this 17 years old kid as well and I doubt it will last long.
Sure, she could very well have simply gotten burned with our relationship, but all of the Weird and illogical behavior…the BAD decisions she keeps making…the lies constantly-from small to large, the I’m thinking about coming back to you one day and I hate you the next are ALL signs of SHE IS NOT RIGHT, and she never acts like this normally whatsoever.
I KNOW this. I have to just let her go. otherwise, I am enabling her. IF she truly loves me, and I know she does, and with kids between us as well….I can’t see her wanting to stay away from me forever.
Her situation will unravel and things will fall apart eventually. I just have to NOT be there like I always do so she will fall flat on her face and be forced to deal with the consequences. Tough love, yikes. The kids are a major concern here, but NOTHING I have done or tried is helping…not one bit. I have to ignore her completely and just focus on myself and my daughter. The boys, well…I will continue to be their Daddy still…sort of. I’ll buy them a Christmas gift, and spend a lil time with them when I can, but unfortunately, they REALLY get the shaft here as long as she remains in an episode. I’ll try and be there for them when I pick up and drop off sophie. I regret that I can’t do anything else for them as long as their mom is “sick”. Were I rich or had more money, I would try and get them to come down like I do with sophie…can’t afford it though. Bummer.I love them all so much.
No more trying to get us back together – I decided tonight that whatever happens – happens. I can’t take any more. it is KILLING me.
So, I am letting God take the reigns now. I am powerless to change this situation for the better, as I have tried everything I can think of.
I know I heard some stuff tonight that terri told me that did ring true having thought about it….perhaps her reasons ARE a factor-shoot, maybe she WAS unhappy and was afraid to tell me or perhaps she IS tired of me or feels I cannot make her happy, but I don’t think that she is in her right mind one bit either these last two months. Hard to speculate.
I know this IS true. EVERY BP forum I read in has SO many stories that sound like I wrote them and behaviors that she is doing that convince me that this is all part of loving someone with Bipolar. It’s the illness and I have to just walk away until SHE wants to help herself.
That’s my wisdom from this evening and from learning from you people on here…you know who you are.
I am going to attempt to take a break from this forum somewhat. I will update from time to time and continue reading it…but I resign from this nightmare at this point. I hope that Terri comes back to me honestly and I would be lying if I didn’t say so. I want my soulmate back and my Family together.
Bp or not BP episode, I think that she will see that the grass is NOT greener elsewhere and with kids to keep us bonded for life, well, somewhere along the line perhaps if it is meant to be or if she truly loves me…we will start another chapter of us .
This is going to be the hardest thing of all…letting her go for real. I have to be confident that our love which is and has been very real will bring us back together, and if it doesn’t happen…be thankful for all of the wonderful memories we had. I will cherish them always…
One last thought…replacing me with a 17 year old…GOOD GAWD almighty…what in the world is this woman THINKING???? I have to laugh a bit on this one.
Thanks everyone. I will try and keep my goal and word on my plan. From what I read tonight and what two of you in particular have told me, the ONLY way to get her back POSSIBLY, is to completely ignore her and move on. I have said i would, but never have really been successful. I kept falling off the wagon. well, I am not playing anymore. Tootles.
Raan….I just got back, I am so sorry to hear your news, I know just how you feel, my man has just text to say hes never coming back, he knows now he can never have a relationship, he will not get medical help!
Its finally over, he has never sounded this sure before so I know its over, he thinks life will be easier without me than with me!
I feel empty inside, but I know he means it this time, only you know Terri and if she means it?
But either way I think we have both lost…..
xx
Bittersweet,
Do you have an email address I could write you directly to? you and trusturgut have kept me from falling off the brink and I would love to keep in contact – especially if this site is bogging down your computer. Where do you live (what part of the world)? I am in South Carolina USA.
Raan GIVE ME YOUR
am in OZ
Bit
Bit,
raansummers@hotmail.com
Hi Raan,
force yourself to do one thing that you may have been neglecting to take care of. Get back to basics. This isn’t moving on necessarily but reclaiming a little bit of you again. The dwelling and thinking and searching for answers and hurting and sadness will be there waiting for you.
I hear that you are becoming more resigned and resolved to the situation atthe moment. I’m not surprisd. Your head has been thrashing around for months now and you are burned out. You need rest.
A few days after u first mentioned the 17 yr old boy Mary K Latourneaux came to my mind. I believe she was eventually diagnosed w bipolar as well. Terri is much younger though which leads me to another point. She’s becoming d enough now to notice that she has been strapped down with children since she was a teenager but still too young to have any mature thoughts about this. So she is ‘freeing’ herself from the only thing that she feels in control of right now and that sadly is you. Is all of that exaserbated by the bipolar? I think absolutely! And maybe even moreso by the ‘ssri’s quite possibly. Jessica is right about leaving her be for now and stick strictly to business regarding Sophie…no more! And no less! But the reasons that I support this notion is for You not so that Terri will miss you, come to and see the err of her ways. You have become so wrapped up in making all the right moves to ensure her return that you left You out of the equation. It’s become a goal a project. It’s as if you are building a house and the fact that your knuckles are bleeding or that there might be thunder and lightning going on around you or the handle just flew off your hammer has failed to hit your radar screen. It’s been all about the end goal. So go ahead ask me how I know heehee?? Been There! So yes you desparately need some down time.
So yes you are up against not yet mature thinking but living in the getto ‘by choice’ is her answr to gaining independence, coupled with wacked out brain chemistry. It’s a wicked combo. She’s rebelling against you as if she is a child. Many of them do because it is their reasoning centers that are bypassed or not engaging properly for lack of a better way of putting it. But besides that she IS in fact still very young. At least I think that’s what you had said. Forgive me if I’m wrong.
Finding another woman?!? Slow the heck down. Do some yard work instead for right now
Peace, Trusturgut
raaan/trust/michelle/everyone
This site has like eight years of postings on it.. Its way to large for my computer or my phone to handle. If you type (do bipolar people have feelings) you should find the other string. theodora started the string after I asked the question.. There are people who have the disease there and can prob help answer some questions directly.. lets abandon this thread and move there? leave notes on this page telling people where we moved to… I tryed all week to post on here and couldent and I feel bad about that.. Raan its the same site as this one only a diffrent string (Spin me I pulsate)
Dear Wishing well,
there’s so much pain associated with loving someone with bipolar disorder, it’s palpable it’s visceral. I’m sorry for your rejection. I’m sorry that you feel so helpless and impotent. It’s one if the most selfish mental illnesses I know because most of the time they are lucid enough to refuse treatment and help. But their brains are misfiring enough not to know it.
Thinking of you all today,
Trusturgut
Hi Trust….Thank you!
I never thought this would happen to me, I was always so confident, when I was younger nothing or no one ever got to me, I was never heart broken and even after being left with 3 children, I just got up and got on….
But this man has got to me, sometimes it felt like I was brainwashed, I remember standing looking at holiday photos of him and another woman ( he was with me, but took her on holiday) and even whilst I was staring at them laughing together, I was forgiving him, I knew I wouldnt leave him over this??
I still dont know why I have done what I have done for the past year, why I felt like I did, the only reasoning I can put to it, is that I loved him?
But as someone once said on here….”I feel like a daisy….he loves me, he loves me not….but I only have so many petals”…and mine have finally been removed!!
I dont think I could have coped without you all to chat too…thank you everyone! xx
Dragonfly:
I am hardly able to post to this thread its slowing my computer down.. Dragonfly I am sure the poster did not mean to hurt anyones feelings. All of us are here for the same reason. In some way or another we have all been hurt..Whether we have bipolar or not all are hurt by it.. We come here looking for answers as to why we are hurt and how to stop the pain. You said that this diseas leaves the person with it also hurting and in need of having someone who is there with them? This is all so confusing to me. The moment I met my girlfriend I fell in love with her. I know this sounds silly but its true. The moment I saw her before any words were spoken I was drawn to her.. It wasnt until later I learned she has BP. I didnt know what it was until it was too late. She lured me into a trap I couldnt get out of I came to help her shovel snow and was told to basically go away and never come back.. I tryed to keep in contact with her and mostly recieved no replys.. Four months later she told me I need to move on and that she already has.. Dragonfly this was after she told me she feels the same way that I did.. That I was all she would ever need or want.. Can you please help me out to have a better understanding of what happend? And why she may not ever come back to me? Just some insight please? I have been posting to a much smaller string called (Do bipolar people have feelings) my pc can load the page and I can respond there much better if I need to.. I would really appreciat it and it may help to give me hope or some closeure.. thank you Dragonfly
Dragonfly, I agree with every word Robert as said, I too would love an insight into how a partner with bipolar feels, I sit here everyday thinking I should not have left him even though he shouted at me endless times to go away and leave him alone and that he doesnt love or need me even though 3 days previously he did love me and wanted me forever?
Yesterday he told me he cannot have a relationship with me even though I have been back to him again telling him I just want to be with him and I will help him get medical help!
And just as Robert did I fell in love with this man from the first time I saw him and I also felt lured into a trap because I havent been able to just walk away, I care about him so much even after all the things he has done and said to me!
He left and came back so many times but I have been told he will now just move on to the next person is this what happens, will I just be forgotten?
Dear Dragonfly,
I sincerely welcome you and am so sorry if you were offended in any way. As you have dealt with your struggles I’m sure you can appreciate the depth and breadth of the impact that it’s had on you and those that love you in your life. How long have you been aware of the condition. And how old are you now? Do you receive medical support (I.e., therapy and/or medication) and again if so for how long and what kind and is it helping. If you hear people reaching out to you it’s both because we have deeply loved the people in our lives that do battle with this daily and because we have been brought to our knees from the hurt and confusion of it all. I hope you are well and we are here to suport you as well as each other. Shedding any light on your thought processes as well as what it feels like is so vitally important for all of us to learn the best ways to help and love and support us all in this both those that struggle with thus directly and the surrounding family, friends and partners.
Peace always,
trusturgut
Hi everyone! thought I’d drop in & say hi to all you wonderful people. it appears that this has closed? today is the 23rd Nov & the last posting was Oct 13, is anyone still using this site still?
Hey buddy.. There are a few of us on a diffrent string this one got to big for our computers to laod. go to Do bipolar people have feelings..also on word press.. Good to see you man
Go to ( Do bipolar People Have feelings) its on here word press
Hello its JAY2 I am back…wow I am still in this relationship….
Somethings are working great to be back how are you all on this site
Please if those who remember me drop a line
Warm Regards
JAY2
My girlfriend (a bipolar sufferer) has just told me she doesn’t love me any more. That I disgust her. Physically. She doesn’t even find me attractive. Doesn’t fancy me. Doesn’t want me. I will never touch her again. That it’s over. I will never touch her again. I am in pieces, torn apart, baffled and frustrated, devastated. I don’t know what to do. I have tried so hard to be everything she wants me to be. I have totally changed my whole life. I am almost cut off from anyone and everyone I know, my friends etc. I am so different now after changing for her, because she tells me she has problems with things about me, that I don’t even know who I am any more. She is acting like we never have anything good in our relationship when only a day and a half ago, before this started to escalate into what it has tonight, we were cuddling and kissing and happy and she was telling me she loves me. I don’t understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. I am so scared. I love her so much. I just want to hold her and be with her but I have to sleep downstairs now. She can;t be reasoned with or spoken to about it. About anything. It’s like nothing ever mattered between us and she could just give it up and never hear from me again and not even care at all. How can someone want to say things like that to someone they love or are supposed to love?! I would rather be cheated on than go through pain. It’s like torture. Abuse even. I live my life walking on eggshells incase I do something to trigger her into these states yet it happens anyway. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. That I have been made a fool of. I feel sick. Literally, feel sick. My stomach feels horrible. Warm and sickly inside. My head feels buzzy. My limbs do. It feels like shock. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Mick…
Its a long time since I commented on here, since I commented anywhere but I didnt want you to go unheard!!
I am hoping you have read all our posts and now realise this is what happens, it is nothing you did and nothing you can do…..when a mood changes they push you away, it has happened to us all.
The first time it happens the shock that you are now feeling is overwhelming, after a while and it probably will be a while, it will happen again, it gets easier, you will know what to expect!!
There is not much you can do I am afraid, it is all part of this dreadful illness, she may come back to you, she may not, mine came back several times, made promises that were never kept and the whole process started again!
If and when she does come back then the choice to do it all again will be yours, knowing what I know now and what I have learnt my advise would be to walk away now because you are on a long road to pain and heartache, read as much info as you can, think about your choices before you decide, I tried so hard to make mine work, I loved him more than I ever thought possible but the facts are it was impossible for him to love me as much!!
Please read everything we have all wrote/been through on here and “do bipolar people have feelings” you need knowledge of this illness to survive it!!
Regards Wishing.
I honestly and rather selfishly felt like I was totally alone,with no one who would relate to what I am going through with my bipolar boyfriend. As many of you have said, the euphoria of those first three months with such a kind, attentive, polite man, who convinces you that he is what dreams are made of. Don’t get me wrong, the connection was instant, almost at first sight, and I had never felt so overcome with love.
He told he was Bipolar 1 from the start, and that things could get hairy but didn’t realise to the extent of pain I would feel. He would get paranoid and fearful over losing me to start with, that was difficult because I would constantly think he would split up with me. But we were very strong, doing simple things together, taking the relationship slowly and making sure we communicated with each other. I knew he loved me, so I stayed calm through the storms, and supported him. I’m a very calm person naturally, but also get hurt very easily, so it was hard not to take it out on myself constantly and get in a state of ‘what have I done wrong’? However he would always apologise, firstly the very next day after he accused me/verbally insulted me, then a few days, then a week. Now I am in a situation where I am crying on my bed, after the second time in 2 months he has broken up with me, wondering if it is for real or not. It’s not as bad as the first time this happened, but I am praying its not for real. We have talked about making a life together, when I have finished my degree (Im only an hour away from him at drama school). Hes older then me and lives in my hometown, where for the past year I have been spending every weekend with him and the occasional week. It feels like he’s not satisfied even though he likes his own space, but its the best I can do. He even encouraged me to go and do the course, and I made sure if he would be happier if I stayed in my home town to be close to him and do my work there. I am worried with me being away I am causing him more stress then necessary but I shouldnt be. He has kept saying from the day before new years eve and through my new year that he doesnt feel the same way.
I feel so sick, I just got another text off him saying it wouldnt have mattered if I had stayed in our hometown or not. I dont know if hes going to come back, I cant get out of bed at the moment, cant speak to my family/friends about it because they dont understand. Im just sat here in total mourning and confusion. We spent a beautiful 3 days together before, didnt stop holding hands and hugging. I had the best spring/summer of my life this year because of him, and he broadened and educated my mind with fascinating things.
Im so grateful to have come across this forum, so I can release some of this pain. Please be in touch an I am finding it hard to carry on with anything at the moment.
Alice.
Alice come to the new site
http://michelle999.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/do-bipolar-people-have-feelings-pt-2/#comment-21
this site too slow michelle999′sblog
regards
Bittersweet
Hello Everyone! It has been a long time since I have been here. The BP one showed up again. I was doing fine and had not heard from her and then out of nowhere I get a letter from her. She says she is sober and getting her life together and doing well and misses me and is sorry. LIES all lies. I ignored her. I get another letter with her phone number begging me to call her. 1 month later she sends me an email. I then found out she had gotten 2 probation violations and had a bench warrant. I talked to her to try and get her to turn herself in. She cries on the phone and wants to see me and is so glad to hear my voice and loves me and is sorry. Then out of nowhere she hangs the phone up on me. I thought it was an accident but she called back and says she meant to do it. Then she tells me she is sorry and she will talk to me the next day. We talk and she again wants to see me. I talk to her 1 wk later and she tells me she has a new girlfriend. Why do we do so well and then have weak moments and open ourselves up to be hurt by them again? Why do we continue to love them so and they treat us so badly? I have never met and loved someone and regretted I loved them until I met and loved the BP one. What is wrong with me??????
hi everyone, my boyfriend is bipolar too. he was really fall in love with me…he lost his job on january and second day he called me and told me he doesnt love me and he never loved me he only loves me like his friend we were planning to marry i was shock i couldnt eat, drink long time…i send him few email and he send me so many nice one too…after one month we went out he did so many nice think to me he spent so much money for me (i know he doesnt even have penny) second they he told me he doesnt love me he still loves his ex girl friend i was shock again…third day he told me his problem whith himself and he told me he has been like this last couple of years he cant help himself he is very unseccfull no one trust him but he doesnt trust noone too…his very close friend told me he is bipolar but he doesnt take med…i love this guy i’am not sure if he loves me i try to help him sometimes he tolks sometimes doesnt….the worse thing is he goes to dating site everyday trying to find a girl…i wrote him from this dating site he asked me pic and he told me he is very rich:)))i dint say anything… he is a big lier but he wasnt like that this is not him…he was very nice not lier he, very honest guy…he has different personallty now but i am still trying to help him cos when he wasnt ill he did so many nice things to me:(((
After combing the internet for answers on dating someone with Bipolar, I came across these forums. I have found some solace in reading the stories of many as I can relate to almost all of them.
I am a retired veteran of the United States Army. I have served in Operation Desert Storm and more recently in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I have experienced my share of emotional and mental breakdowns due to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). So I thought I understood this disorder…somewhat.
I have been dating a woman for nearly two years. At first everything seemed normal as any new relationship would. But as time went by, I started noticing very odd behavior. Three weeks into our relationship she told me she was in love with me. Naturally I could not respond in kind as I barely knew her. She took this very personally and broke off the relationship. The very next day she recanted and said she didn’t mean to break it off. We had a conversation about it where she revealed to me that she was a Bipolar. She told me she had had two failed marriages and several failed relationships. Of course I became cautious but stayed in the relationship anyway. (I’ve been through two wars how difficult can this be) Over the next year many more episodes occurred. She told me at least 4 more times that she didn’t want our relationship anymore because she had an interest in someone else. In one incident she actually slept with someone else. Each time I forgave her and truly tried to make it work. Here I am almost two years later and it continues to happen.
She goes through extreme moods, depression, self hate and questionable behavior. She tells me one day that I am the love of her life then turns around and tells me the very next day she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She admits that she can not be faithful, she says, she can’t help herself. At this point I have fallen in love with this woman and find it extremely hard to walk away from her even though it’s taking an emotional toll on me. I have gone to the extent as to take courses at the VA to learn more about Bipolar Disorder. I felt that if I could understand what was happening I could be more supportive.
Most recently (yesterday) she broke it off again. She was going through another episode. What pushed her over the edge this time was when she went into a local store and had her debit card declined for insufficient funds. She’s been having financial problems and this incident embarrassed her and push her into another depression. She text me and said she couldn’t continue our relationship. This completely out of nowhere. Again I am devastated. I couldn’t sleep last night and have been unable to eat all day today. She text me today and said she was sorry for hurting me. Then a second text later she said she had a total meltdown and had spoken to her doctor. I simply responded by saying that I understood how she felt and that I was here for her regardless of how she wanted me out of her life.
I am at a loss on what to do or how to proceed. I am a Special Forces Soldier in the United States Army and am embarrassed to say that I have been crying all day. My world is shattered. I love this woman with every fiber of my being. But I how I feel right now, I’d rather be dodging bullets in Iraq again. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
Devastated and heart broken in CA~Luis
Luis,
You are not alone! I married a woman 2 years ago, and everything went well for the first 6 months, then everything went haywire. She spent money frivolously and impulsively to the tune of causing me to file for bankruptcy. Now, between the 2 of us we took in over $150,000.00/yr. She makes $20,000.00 more a year than me. She would only help pay by paying the minimum because she said if she helps pay the debt too soon I would end up leaving her when the debt was gone. She also taught her daughter to disrespect me in my own home. You see, the 2 of them lived like utter slobs to the point of ruining my house. When I tried to teach her daughter to not get black nail polish on my brand new carpet and leave unfinished food laying all around the house my wife would reprimand me in front of her daughter and tell her that I had a personality disorder. So, now the daughter can do anything she wants in my home. My wife would let her stay up all hours of the night with the TV blaring, go in the refrigerator and eat junk food whenever she wanted, and now the child is obese and looking unhealthy. My wife also has a severe compulsive gambling problem and vicodin problem. She always made me feel like crap because she said I was trying to take her gambling away and her vicodin away. I told her she can do anything she wants as long as it was done responsibly. She actually said to me: could you imagine if I stopped gambling and impulsive spending she would have lots of money. I replied: yea, then we can start doing things as a family. Her come back: well you can save for that. She use to constantly complain to me about me having a house and credit cards and she doesn’t, and what kind of husband am I if I don’t let her use the credit cards. Well, I did and now I am filing for bankruptcy. I finally told her and her daughter had to leave. She left, and now she is punishing me.
Here is where the bipolar disorder comes in. When she left she told me with tears that she doesn’t want a divorce. OK, I thought maybe we could try and patch and save the marriage. I helped her move, came over on weekends to help fix things around her new place, and took them out to dinner and a bunch of things for her. I would do all these things only to go thru her bipolar episodes of constantly reminding me of forcing her to live like she has to now by telling her to leave. One moment she loves me and the next I was a jerk for throwing her love in the gutter. She makes $90,000.00/yr. and is constantly broke and expects me to bail her out financially like a good husband. I have her and her daughter on my health insurance at the cost of $558.00/mo. You see, she gets 200 vicodin/mo on my insurance and would only get 30 vicodin/mo on her insurance, and if she goes on her insurance she is afraid that her HMO Company would see her medical history with the possibility of losing her RN nursing license. She can be pleasant one moment and at the drop of a hat be screaming at me and putting me down. She is a 24/7 complainer and you never know what will trigger an episode. She does this with daughter all the time. She keeps her daughter at home gives her anything she wants and then screams at her by cursing at her and threatening her daughter that she is going to have her live with her father in VA because her daughter is constantly trying to get her mother’s attention which she hardly gives her . Her daughter can’t socialize very well, so she keeps her daughter at home all alone in the middle of now where during the day and most nights when my wife goes gambling. The child writes on facebook constantly how crazy her mom is and can’t wait to go to VA for the summer so she can get away from her crazy mom. The child never leaves the house, but leaves only when her mom takes her for junk food or to the restaurant for dinner because her mom has all these ailments and doesn’t want to cook. I went over her house a couple of weeks ago and went gambling with her because I told her I would, but also told her we should gamble responsibly. Well she lost her money and asked me for money to keep on playing. I gave her twenties up to $100.00 and told her we should go home because her daughter has to eat. Well, I took them to dinner. While we were eating at the restaurant she had the nerve to ask me to pay her cable bill. I didn’t say a word because I didn’t want to trigger an episode in public. She then told me to hold off because she might work something out. Well I held out and she didn’t say anything further, so I left without giving her any money. The next week after not answering my phone calls until the following weekend she told me how does it feels not having a wife answering my phone calls. She screamed and cursed me up and down for not giving her any money. She also said she knows she lost her money gambling, but she doesn’t have a husband to fall back on and bail her out. Meanwhile I hear her daughter in the background say: mommy if I had the money I would give it to you; not like your husband. I then said but you make $20,000.00/yr more than me. She said: I knew you would say that so f*** you Bobby and hung up. My friend overheard the whole episode and it even shook him up. I finally had enough of her rollercoaster ride of one minute she loves me to the next abusing and putting me down when all I’m trying to do is help her. I can’t give any more, and it might turn out that way for you. I’m really sorry you have to go through what you are going through, but if they refuse to see they have a problem and won’t seek help for themselves, then there is nothing we can do. We must now take care of ourselves. Yes I know it hurts, but should we keep taking the abuse and ruin our health? I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can patch things up with your wife. I would have given my wife the world if she could only see her problem and maintain responsibly, but I can’t help her because she doesn’t think she needs it. All I wanted is to have a family and do things as a family. Good luck and God bless.
Bob
dear Luis
this site has been cont….do bipolar people have feelings part 2 michelles blog 999
basically we are all in the same boat as you but the new site is easy to load ..raan summers is in same situation as you …try it
regards bittersweet
epilem@hotmail.com if u want to talk further
We need mind body spirit personal trainers
my wife once said that she wishes I was like this all the time. I didnt understand what she meant, but I now know that she was enjoying the relief and happiness of being with the real me. She deals with the uncertainty of my moods, and I get buffetted around by the inner turmoil and chaos. As time goes by my moods rob ourselves of the potential of our life together. I look for ways to avoid making friends and socializing, she is the opposite. She thrives on friendship and interaction with others. In my darkest moods I see that as betrayal and wonder if she is cheating. In my darkest moments it is easy to justify my behaviour. Thats easier than dealing with the effects of my behaviours and the fear of being exposed to pain and hurt if I open myself up fully to my wife and others. I have not used the term bipolar here. I have been on antidepressives for a few years now and feel they are just a placebo. I wonder if I could be bipolar. I laways assumed health professionals would pick this up immediately, but from what I have read here it can take a long time to be diagnosed properly. I don’t know if anybody will read this, but it has helped just writing these words.
This is my first time writing a public comment but I’m at my proverbial wits end. I’ve been married to a man with bipolar disorder for 4 years now and I’m having a hard time seeing the positive side of things. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me and my amazing 13 year old daughter is now along for the rollercoaster ride with me. The deeper I investigate, the more terrified I become. My father in law was bipolar and his father committed suicide. My husband has thoughts about suicide and still battles longer periods of DEEP depression (1-3 weeks) that leave my daughter and I sad, frustrated, and angry. I have read so much regarding bipolar disorder but find it frustrating when I’m married to someone who believes they don’t need medication or therapy.
My husband will give the shirt off his back, his last dollar, and anything else available to anyone but when it comes to me, it’s either a stonewall of silence, suspicion, or a high of love and affection. As I mentioned, meds and therapy are off the table for now per his choice/statement. He has bizarre eating and sleeping habits. When he is working, he has an enviable work ethic but a re-ocurring issue with authority or working with “stupid people”. While his formal education is lacking, he possesses an amazing wealth of common sense in many areas. He recently began a new job and on two occasions, has acted in a way that could not only cause him to lose his job, but also have legal charges brought against him. This has all been done for the moral good of an individual but I’m done!! I’m done being last. I know he loves me and truly wants the best for me but his day to day actions scream otherwise. He does not have bizarre spending habits or sexual behaviors and I often wonder if I should just suck it up and stop crying about it but this hurts so bad. I sometimes wonder if I’m bipolar since my life is now somewhat dictated by his moods. I don’t want to put the blame on him but I am failing at separating my life/his life and all the emotions that are, and should be, entwined.
How do you love someone as a wife should (and wants to) while feeling like his mother most of the time?? There are so many details but I think anyone in this situation can fill in most of the blanks. I want the man I fell in love with and feel that, through a series of events, he has left and I don’t know how to invite him back in. I know there are no magic bullets but I need a lifeline that is not emotionally attached to me. Any comments will be appreciated…
hello mj ,
I m a dr girl from bangladesh..i hv been married for 1 yr.. & i faced the similar prob like in my marital life…now we r in a separation..i m so afraid & so terrified of his mood swing.. I dnt knw what should i do.. after reading ur post,i just feel that i wanna hug u..theres another lady in ths world whos suffwering like me. take care
Grandparents and In-laws:-
We have a daughter in-law who is bi-polar. At first it didn’t really expose its ugly side until after our grandson was born and from there it started getting worse. Our son has to live with the constant mood swings, foul rantings and ravings and then stand absolutely baffled when she turns sugary sweet, as though nothing has happened. She will literally go from poking a finger in his face and with eyes burning hatred stand there while she uses everything she can think of to destroy him and be quite explicit with the language, all of this in front of the 3 year old who watches and learns. It was so bad recently that he was using four letter words in public and in all the right places. Excuses were made to us and the family doctor about a neighbor being the one who used the obscene language, like we believed it?. The problem is she has been diagnosed and prescribed medication but won’t take it because she doesn’t need it. Everyone else is stupid or crazy, not her. We try to help where we can but frankly we are lost in this strange world where right is wrong and wrong is right. I can sight many instance of totally unacceptable behavior, from temper tantrums to outright craziness and the usual excuse when they are over for the day at a family gathering and things for what-ever reason go wrong, “That’s it, were going home” she will scream at the top of her voice, while hurrying around picking up toys and clothing and throwing it in their car. Many times she makes a lame excuse and doesn’t attend birthdays or family parties. The really sad thing is the family like her and want the best for her, but she pushes them away, especially my son. To be honest we can see her doing something totally stupid like taking our grandson and leaving one day while our son is at work. There would be no note or anything. She has threatened to do this before, but then calms down. The sad thing is she loves our son and in her better moments tells us that she doesn’t want to lose him, then a few days later when they are out with friends at a party, she will call us and say that our son is talking to a girl he went to school with and the F’ng B***ch can have him, she’s had enough. All of this while she is walking home from downtown on her own at 2 AM in the morning. She doesn’t say anything to our son, just disappears and he thinks she went to the ladies room. It’s only when we call his cell phone that he learns the truth. Both my wife and I are retired and are lost with this. Where can we help to start the healing process and is there one? Our concern is for our grandson and the environment he is exposed to. No-one deserves this, not our daughter-in-law, our son or the little guy, especially him. He is exposed to everything and will even talk to his father, mimicking his mother to a tee. Any thoughts or suggestions from someone who has gone through this would be more than helpful. Vince
Hello and thank you!
Just a few minutes ago my partner texted me something that shattered me once more.
She’s bipolar and I’ve yet to learn to cope with it completely. We haven’t been together for long and while I was able to keep telling her I’m completely fine with everything there is to her and that I love her from the depth of my heart before it’s gotten harder now. Not because I would love her any less, but because before her newest episode everything was so completely fine I was thinking I finally won her trust.
I gotta say your article felt exactly as if I was reading something she wrote and it helped me to deal with the sudden situation at least a little bit. She did tell me several times there are only a few people she lets into her shell during these times and that she’s known these people for a few years(I’ve known her for something over a year now) and I guess it was too careless thinking I’m one of those few people at this point.
Anyway I’m not sure if it makes any sence describing our situation. But there is something that I’m still unsure what to do about. It’s the part about hugging them and telling them you love them – there’s no problem with the telling, but we live something like 300km apart so obviously there’s a slight problem with aproaching her during the time she just doesn’t want to…am I supposed to tell her I’ll wait for her until she feels like being with me again and stuff like that, just like I did before?
Because I know during her normal times she’s happy to have me. And she’s able to make me completely happy just with a smile or just being there, that’s why I decided I want to fight for our relationship. That and the fact that after our first break-up I couldn’t bring myself to let it be even though I had no problems doing that with all my previous relationships…
While writing this I made the mistake of going through a few comments of people who think of this disorder as some huge problem. I don’t agree with that. While it certainly isn’t easy to cope with the bad moods of your beloved one I think it’s just another part of their personality and as weird as it might sound I love even this fact about my girlfriend and I am willing to go through all this to gain her trust at some point and be ther for her when she needs me and fight for our relationship.
And this article has helped me in that fight.
Btw she is diagnosed, taking medication and visiting a doctor regularly.
Hello,
To avoid a very long first post, I’ll just say that my lovely ex fiance went manic in April and left me. I was then left unemployed, and I no longer have my 401k from my previous job ( she convinced me to give her 1,900 of it for the car maintenance since it was how I got to work and I had to spend 4 months living on the rest of it). Almost immediately after she broke up with me, she was hypersexual and hooking up with various men, yet still texting me and thinking we broke up 2 years ago. We didn’t spend much time out of contact from April til August, even if a lot of that contact was negative. Since early August (going on 3 months on the 11th of this month) I have gotten maybe 3 sentences from her. I try almost every day to talk to her, but I get no response at all. No phone calls returned, no emails returned, no texts, no facebook messages. She’s not being negative,but acting as if she’s erased me from her mind. She is still manic as far as I know. A seven month mania seems like it would be abnormally severe,but I have no way of getting her to get help. I try to move on and forget her,but my mind isn’t letting me do that, especially since I know that she’s definitely sick.
In the meantime, I still haven’t been able to find work- 20 rejections last month alone .The only money I get is from donating plasma, yet she was able to find a great job with great pay a few months ago and is living a “good life” as if leaving me was like removing a tumor. This is from the woman that I supported with only my income for at least 4 years becaus she couldn’t hold a job and was in debt with banks. My bills are already overdue and I can’t pay them. I tried the best I could,and I still can’t get her out of my mind because I remember who she was when she wasn’t manic- 6 wonderful years. I spend most of my days and nights awake because I can’t stop worrying . I can’t even afford to go to my therapist anymore (who’s free of charge) because I can’t afford the bus ticket since every penny I have is for my overdue bills . Even losing my bank account. Still, not even a single shred or ounce of sympathy from her. Nothing at all,unless it’s cold and robotic as if we were business associates. Can this really be the girl whom ,last Christmas told me that i’m the best boyfriend a girl could ever have, and that I can be counted on for comfort when things get too much?
Well, I tried not making it long, thank you for reading.
Like everyone else here, your stories are my stories. I have a boyfriend who has been diagnosed with bi-polar and we have been together a year.
As all of you, our relationship started out wonderfully. He was very attentive, loving, thoughtful. He did things around my house (laundry, cleaning, etc.) saying how I worked all day and he wanted to make coming home pleasant. He had a key and could let himself in. He paid attention all that I said about my favorite things and he would surprise me with those things as gifts. Showered me with affection, “I Love you’s”, hugs, kisses, and the sex was OFF THE CHARTS! I noticed on occasion that he had some anger issues. I was truly surprised at the things he got twisted up about. But I overlooked them. I have the capacity to understand that many things are not about me, and taking them as a personal affront only shows me that I am operating from my own inner insecurities. After awhile, though, his episodes were escalating. One time, I asked him to hang a clock for me. He was on his laptop and said he would to just give him a few minutes to finish up. An hour and a half later, I very sweetly asked if he was still gonna do that for me. OMG! You would have thought I asked him to build me a new house! He slammed his laptop shut, stood up aggressively and shouted, “My f*king GOD! You always want everything right now! Never mind I’M doing something, I should just drop everything I’m doing to please you!” Wow. I proceeded to say it was alright that he could do it another time but ignored me and started to do it. I think I said it 3 times. Then I followed it up with, “ok then. I will shut up. You’re going to do whatever you want anyhow.” That was the first time that he physically attacked me. I ended things right then and got him out of my home. Long story short, I took him back after his (seemingly) heartfelt apology and his tears on the phone. Why? He hadn’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I knew the symptoms/criteria of bi-polar and knew he had had an episode. I understand that it is an “illness”; not just bad behavior.
Anyhow, this kept escalating with moments in between his episodes that were wonderful, beautiful. I loved him so, so much. I have never doubted that he loves me as well. I finally convinced him to see a therapist and to ask to be referred to a psych doctor for an evaluation. It was over month before he finally did – I had to do the research for him; make it easier for him. I threatened to end things if he didn’t get some help. he did. They put him on Abilify and Celexa. I never questioned him about his official diagnosis, but I knew he was being treated for psychotic features. (I used to work as a counselor). Before this happened, our sex life was almost non-existent. The meds made it worse. He finally gets off the Celexa – all he did was sleep and it was affecting his job, etc. I knew his lack of “desire” wasn’t about the meds anymore – he had no problems masturbating. Obviously, this was a topic he was unwilling to discuss – couldn’t discuss – without flipping out.
I had hacked into his emails account(s) awhile back and discovered that he was being unfaithful – not just with women, but also men. Let me say here that I am not judgmental of most things – his sexual preferences didn’t bother me expect that I wasn’t included, or at the very least being informed. Of course, it never got addressed because his focus was on how he couldn’t trust ME after hacking into his email. I’m not minimizing my part by any means. I know what an invasion of privacy it was and that there are laws against it for that matter. My intuition is keener than most (gift/curse) and I did what I felt I had to do to find out if it was real, or if I was imagining things. . Afterall, by this time, I did feel crazy due to the constant drama.
All this time, I know that this is a very toxic/sick relationship and that I needed to get out and take care of ME. I have always done so without hesitation. My own co-dependency issues had reared their ugly heads, and before I knew it, I was finding myself care-taking.
We had about 5 weeks of awesomeness here recently. I found out that he was answering Craig’s List ads that women posted looking for relationships (he actually responded to one of my friends and included his picture),. I confronted him. Once again, he has done nothing wrong but instead, I am now having my friends spy in him. His episodes have returned full-force.
So, there’s some history. I feel depleted emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and any other word ending in “ly”. I cannot get him to stop yelling, screaming, swearing at me, and calling me names. He can’t take responsibility for his actions. I have tried to not “react” and wait til the storm was over to try to discuss things .. only to have him twist off again. He takes everything personally. He guilt trips me (or tries to) and tells me that I make him feel badly; shamed. He will not look at me and basically ignores me, when I try to talk with him. He withholds affection. He gets this look in his eyes that scares the bejeezus out of me, and again, leaves – runs away. Had an episode like that this morning about me asking if he wanted breakfast and when he asked if I was going to eat (I said I wasn’t hungry) he freaks out!
I know I have rambled on here. I am using this as an opportunity for me to do my own processing today’s incident so that I can let go of the anger and resentment that I am carrying around today. The deal is this: I KNOW what’s going on with him. I don’t WANT to give up before the miracle. I KNOW who the man is at his core. But I have to ask myself, am I willing to continue to lose my own identity for the sake of love? He needs a full-time babysitter, a mother to take care of him. nurture him basically and that’s what I have been doing.
So, I know that we have all had these experiences, but I have a question that I need answered. HOW DO WE COPE WITHOUT LOSING OURSELVES? I am rooted in the belief that we are either in the solution, or we are part of the problem. I need solutions, suggestions. I am so very appreciative for all of you who have shared your experiences – I’m grateful that I was able to, as well. Most importantly, I sincerely appreciate the stories posted by those of you having to suffer this hideous illness. What do we do?
Thank you for taking the time to read my rant.
Yours in understanding – Sasha
P.S. I hope this blog site is still being used. LOL!
The site moved to here: Please repost there.
http://michelle999.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/do-bipolar-people-have-feelings-pt-2/#comment-21
Hi all! I suffer from bipolar and was only diagnosed about 3 or so years ago! Tis not easy for anyone suffering or supporting the person who has the disorder! Tis not something a person chooses to have! If anything I would give anything to wake up tomorrow and be “normal” to live a life where I don’t hurt the ppl I love with hurtful words! I’d never put them down by calling them a pussy or anything like that! My main issue is my trust issues and paranoia and not being able to trust anyone especially the person you love with all your heart is hurtful in its self! Tis not fair for either sides! It’s a struggle for everyone around it! For some one to say that the emotions of a bipolar person are the same as everyone else than to continue to say that they aren’t bipolar them selves is ridiculous and disrespectful to those who do have it and those who are around itand how exactly would you know if you dont have it? If you love a person with bipolar you don’t just give up on them you help them through it! Not one person is exactly the same! Just because a person is labelled with bipolar it doesn’t make them cold hearted fucks that many of you have made us out to be! I’ve been hurt be so many ppl who don’t have bipolar but I’ve never hurt ppl any where near as much as ppl have hurt me! Ppl are ppl not everyone can help the way they are! You accept it and you support them! If you can’t do that than tis not true love because things are not always bad! I make it hard for my partner but tis more my trust issues that hurt him and my irrational thinking but apart from that I’ve never been more happy in my life! I’d do what ever it takes to get better just so I can spend my life with him! I know he loves me and I hope to god he’d never give up on me the way many of you have your partners! I can understand why some of you would have but you’re not on here being heartless about it! You’re simply reaching out for some understanding just like anyone with bipolar! The one thing we have in common is that we all have feelings and I think that any one who has horrible shit to say about something they don’t fully understand is petty! Everyone gets hurt and every body hurts some body at least once in their life time bipolar or not the only difference those who don’t have it have a choice and have more control
To start of clean, I’m 26 years, male and buddhist.
I read alot of things I do not like but more things I do like.
I offer to create a schism here.
As I said, I’m a buddhist, so love and compassion is my base emotion.
I am someone who cares more about others than myself. I spend at least 2 hours a day caring or thinking about my family and friends.
Now, about my relationship.
I ended it 2 days ago, after 8 months.
We were arguing every 2 days.
I never tried to hurt her back, always gave her space and time to calm down and control whenever she could speak about anything.
I hear you thinking: it’s a bipolar-basher!! Sorry, not gonna happen here…
I broke it off after 8 months and not for the above things, but for the below things:
1. as being a budhist, our personalities could not be further apart.
Attraction alone, read sex, is not a base for a relationship: it is temporarily.
2. I was living with someone who just sat in the couch, not wanting to work, not wanting to do anything of cleaning or making dinner except for a sandwich. She did one thing: buying kids stuff, dvds, books and toys and putting them in boxes. Over 500 dvds, 200 unread books and alot of disney stickers. Telling me to let go of my dreams and get a full time job so I could co-support her financially.
3. I was living with someone who talked about herself all the time, ignoring most other human beings.
4. Threat my family with disrespect by showing up late at family dinners, or not showing up, eating and then go away.
Now, who would want to date/marry/mother such a person?
Not me, and I’ve turned down other girls as well with similar traits who were far from bi-polar.
She always called herself bipolar, I always corrected her she was a person WITH bipolar, a decease is not a person; a person can have a decease.
I mean, of course it’s not wrong to end a relationship with a bipolar person, just as not-wrong it is to end it with someone you simply do not like.
Or what? Having a doctors order makes you a good partner?
Every human being is equal and has the choice to end A relationship with A person for the reasons they want.
There is no glory in being unhappy for someone else to be happy.
PS:
You can read alot of stories on the internet about people being locked in relationships with bipolar partners that need support and not people saying ‘you can’t be selfish’.
I’m heartbroke I cannot help the person I love, who is set out to destroy me at the moment and I care too much not be hurt.
I sincerely hope she does take her pills seriously and gets better.
Hi
There’s a lot of information here and I have found it fascinating to read some of the posts on this board. A little of my story…
I’ve been working overseas for the past 18 months and about a year ago met a wonderful woman. We connected, became close very quickly and fell in love. My partner has talked of depressive episodes in the past and I am starting to wonder if she may be a bipolar sufferer given some of what i have read here and witnessed over the past weeks. I am also conscious that I may be looking for answers, rather than purely accepting that our relationship is over, as we have recently broken up.This has been mainly of her doing, although I had also reached a point where I was being sucked in by all her irrational and erratic behaviour and its been taking its toll on my emotional stability too
She has a pretty full on job, and when its busy, she throws herself into it like theres no tomorrow, sitting in the office alone, long after everyone else has gone home. She also often stays up very late, either going out partying or just hanging out in her apartment rearranging teh furniture all night. When she’s like this she is full of vitality, energy and can be teh life and the soul….she can also come across as manic and hyperactive and I have often remarked that it appears from the outside like she is out of control, or at least very chaotic.
Our relationship has been quite volatile, and she has a temper and very often things appear to her to be all my fault and I’m often left angry and lose my temper through a sense of injustice, which is just like pouring petrol on the fire. At teh weekends she often just crashes and ends up either in bed or on the couch in her PJs in front of teh TV for the whole weekend, eating sweets and cakes etc. In the last couple of months she’s been very irrational and been working and travelling with her job lots….she sometimes goes away for a day and ends up being gone for 3, without really explaining to me whats going on, where she is or contacting me whilst out of town. Its left me paranoid that shes seeing someone else but when I confront her in person, she denies that vigorously. But I’ve been left feeling taken for granted and my tust in her has diminished significantly.But for me its been a total rollercoaster, not knowing if I’ll hear from her or not from one day or the next and if I do, will she start talking about marriage and family or dismissing me as if I don’t exist. It really has been as black and white as that, marriage and kids one day, then being totally ignored, sometimes for days, the next.
I had to go back to my country a week or so ago (a 12 hour flight away) and spoke to her before I left after another of her disappearing acts which was accompanied by the exchange of a number of “its over” text messages from us both. Everything appeared to have caught up with her and she had become very sick and was speaking to me as if everything was fine between us when I was at the airport – I heard all the I love yous, I miss you, I’ll wait for you etc.. After I’d left, a couple of days later, she sent me a message suggesting she come and visit for the weekend! I told her I thought it was a bad idea as a) she’d just been really sick and needed to rest and b) I would be working and have little time for her. Then after that, which at the time I thought was totally irrationaof herl, she proceeded to completely ignore my attempts to contact her for more than a week. Then just as I was about to return, I received a message to say she was severely depressed, couldn’t date anyone, had to heal her emotional sickness and asked me not to contact her anymore…..
Having read some of the posts above, it left me wondering if I am just searching for hope and answers instead of just accepting the end of my relationship, or whether in fact she may be suffering from bipolar, and that might explain all the bizarre erratic and irrational behaviour of recent weeks. I have certainly not seen her like this in teh past year, so maybe the depression story was her way of emphatically killing off the relationship once and for all to enable her to move onto a new relationship, and I should just accept it, or whether if it is a severe depressive episode and I should wait a bit longer to see if she makes contact gain in the coming days or weeks
Obviously no one on here will no whats really going on. However having read some of the above posts, I just wondered if this sounded liek a familiar pattern to those familiar with bipolar and I should hang on in there and be ready to offer love and support if and when it is requested. I’d be happy to do that, but at the same time I don’t want to delude myself about the state of our relationship and find myself unnecessarily trapped with a sense of false hope and expectation
Any constructive thoughts or observations, gratefully received
in my eyes you have to reach out to her, I act exactly the same way..I just sorta need people to prove their worth to me, to show me that I am in fact worth something…Give her one seed in her brain, suprise her with a gift, plant that seed in her head that shows or showed you care…..
You can then say well you tried, its about give and take you need to realise she wont choose to be like that, how is that good for her ? But she like me has to accept that yes its uncontrollable in a manner as to how she feels but your not the devil, your not the bad one…..
Welcome to the world of Bipolar. It’s very very sad, isn’t it? Read all of the letters here and I’m sure as I and others have found…it’s a pattern that many of the BP’s seem to follow. Textbook/classic BP symptoms and it is NOT easy. I feel for you. Educate yourself, be strong, and run in my opinion..or, stay and be strong, and mean STRONG. It isn’t worth it in my opinion unless the BP is VERY into doing the therapy and meds consistently…even then it’s a crap shoot.
If I or others on here can help, let us know. We have all been through it. Myself…I’m battered, wounded, and worn from it all, but I’m healing…slowly but surely. She trashed me (see above) –
there is a page two to this blog. I recommend you move to it.
http://michelle999.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/do-bipolar-people-have-feelings-pt-2/#comment-21
Hang in there – that’s all you can do and KNOW you will be dissed.
Bi polar is not something that people choose to have or even what is it…Bi polar is a word someone made up and now that is what you call it…..Rules rules and rules is why modern society and the people that inhabit it have come to feel in the manner they do……
I hate the feelings I create, I feel it in my bones the episode coming on.
I can feel it build up and in a way its like torrets, I have to get rid of it or else I wont settle….
I have literally just come in from pushing away the women I love, starting an argument out of nothing and for some reason finding myself for the hundredth time hurting her, and in the process HURTING MYSELF….
What kind of decent human being would do such a thing out of choice ? Do I really have any control over this disease as I see it…..
To be frank I feel like its the Devil inside of me 60 percent of the time and the other 40 someone on acid.
As I reflect on why I do this to myself I feel teary but I want to share my thoughts and feeling with others on here so they realise they are not freaks….We all have our oddities and I feel this is just the way the ball has rolled. I am not proud of what I do to those it seems I love the most. Its hard to get that across but the ones I choose to hurt the most are the very people I love the most and feel I cannot live without……
Im sorry for all the people I have hurt and it seems a few simply because I cant get a grip of what I have….I go to the doctor and he says its anxiety and depression and to get myself on 150mg of prozac…PROZAC, so thats gonna solve all my problems…The feelings of helplessness, the yearning for a hug, to cry my eyes out……
Dont let this beat us. we are all in it together and I am here for anyone who feels low or down, remember you are alive, as hard as that seems lets live our lives. Channel our energy and make something of ourselves…..
Emmet D
This is a quality blog and it’s a great support blog for anyone who has a bipolar loved one. However, what is pissing me off is that everything “negative” that the bipolar person does seems to instantly get linked to his/her bipolarity. These people have a personality too, they are not complete slaves of their disorder.
If she goes mad at you, the bipolarity is always the cause. You couldn’t possibly have any share of the blame and you could have done nothing differently or better. On the other hand, if you go mad at her, that’s totally justified because her bipolarity drove you insane and you were only defending yourself. Your reaction was natural and you couldn’t by a long shot have done anything to make her feel better.
If she cheats on you, that’s always because she’s bipolar. Bipolarity automatically makes every girl a cheating whore, and that has nothing to do with her personality whatsoever. Hint hint: Don’t date a bipolar girl if you don’t want to be cheated on. You are the perfect boyfriend and your girlfriend is so lucky to have you that it’s outrageous that doesn’t value you as much as she should, it’s all her disorder’s fault and it’s crystal clear that her life would end if she left you. You have to make her realize that so she won’t cheat you again. If she does, it’s her disorder again, not her personality, and because you are such an awesome guy, you forgive her. Even if this happens fives times, you won’t even distantly consider the possibility that maybe it’s not her disorder, it’s her selfish personality.
She abuses you because she’s bipolar. She’s lazy and doesn’t give a flying fuck about your happiness. That’s because of her disorder, you are the victim and never gave her a reason to do any of that. You did everything right, and she repays it by calling you the worst things in a regular basis or even physically hurting you. You are torn apart, you can’t put up with her mood-swings and she with her cursed illness alone is responsible for the decaying state of your relationship. It didn’t cross your mind in the beginning of your relationship that maybe a moody person is too difficult for you to handle, and when she is abusing you, it’s OK to hurt her back just to show her that you can do it too, to kind of show her her place so she won’t do that again. There’s no way you could potentially try to understand that if this behavior indeed caused by her disorder, she does not mean any of this and the worst thing you can do is throwing the grenade back. After the argument if she is regretting what she did and apologizing in the most sincere manner, you absolutely had to show her how much it hurt you, and make her feel deadly afraid of something she can’t control. Even if this is what totally destructs her self-esteem and over the time the relationship as well, that’s fine because you’re the victim and you won’t give in in this one.
I could type in endless examples of the similar type, but that will do to illustrate my point. Even in this blog alone, there are plenty of people who seem to view things like this. Some of you are telling that dating a bipolar girl was the biggest mistake of your life, how you were the perfect boyfriend and she made your life a hell. Maybe you didn’t beat her, maybe you didn’t cheat on her, maybe you never did anything that extreme, but you probably made your fair share of mistakes as well. Maybe it’s time to look into the mirror instead of building your own illusionary cloud castle where you are the hero and she is the villain?
Now to the point: Isn’t it curious that every single one of these things happen in “normal” relationships too. Break-ups happen. People argue all the time. There is a lot more family violence than most of you want to believe. Some girls are just so incredibly selfish that she is all sweet and loving to you, looking into your eyes in a sincere way, telling you that she loves you more than anything, only to fuck another guy you the very moment you leave the town for the weekend. Once you return, she’ll tell you how much she missed you and how happy she is to have you and she wouldn’t want to live without you. However, since she doesn’t have extreme mood-swings, she remains fully focused on concealing this from you if you are still of further benefit to her.
These things happen, and while bipolarity may enhance people’s tendencies in general and make these things a bit more likely and more extreme, it’s almost never the cause. If you argue with her, if she truly finds you the most important thing, she’ll terribly regret it afterwards instead of having you bleed instead of acting like nothing happened. If a girl is happily in a relationship with you, a mood-swing won’t be enough to make her fuck another guy. If she does that, she just finds herself much more important than you. That’s not because of her disorder. Due to her disorder, she just makes less effort to conceal it.
I fully understand that bipolarity complicates a lot of things and causes a lot of stress, heartache and frustration. Most importantly though, it shows in a more extreme way who she truly is. Bipolarity occasionally makes your loved one go over the line in many things, but it merely empowers these characteristics in a person, it doesn’t create them. I know for a fact that many of you sleep your nights tight when you can excuse every problem of your relationship by your girlfriend’s bipolarity, while never having to look into the mirror, and while of course also assuming all the credit for making him/her happy. I guess it’s good to live in self-deception, as the noble king of your cloud castle where you can go no wrong, and always have a back-up plan(read, excuse) if something goes wrong.
P.S. For those of you who might wonder why I talk about a girl as the “evil” one in my sarcastic examples, that’s solely because I am a guy myself. None of the content should be taken offensively and applies equally to both genders.
While your comments DO have merit, I think you’re off a bit. In my case, for years BEFORE she got sick…our relationship was the VERY best we both ever had. When she started having symptoms and it worsened, she turned into classic, cheating, lying, BP Bee-otch from HELL.
Bipolar is the selfish disease. And, when it hits…it makes them do all those things you mentioned above and more in some cases, and less in others. However, all of the stuff you mentioned is CLASSIC BP symptoms.
I’m sorry. I don’t completely agree with you. I’ve been through it. Yes, some normal people behave even worse, but this disease is awful. And, makes people behave like monsters at times.
Again, you’re automatically addressing all the shit on her bipolarity. You could find plenty of “normal” people who can say the same story, just without the bipolarity added. Relationships change over the years. There are even situations where cheating occurs for the first time 20 years after the marriage. This may be an extreme example and certainly isn’t true in every case, but the bottom line is that it can be pretty shocking. It is possible that the relationship just dies over the years. That’s a difficult thing to face when you are on the receiving side, but if you take a little bit more objective point of view, you’ll probably realize it’s true.
While bipolarity doesn’t change anyone’s philosophy of life, it can INDIRECTLY change a lot of things, including the entire relationship. That’s not because of the disorder itself, but because of its side-effects. Maybe you were not used to having moments when she would say really mean things to you without much of a reason that she would normally refrain from saying. Maybe you reacted badly. Maybe you said things, did things, that she in return was not used to get from you. Repeat this about every symptom and it adds up, relationships are made of glass. In the end, it always comes down to how you(both of you) deal with it. It is likely that she didn’t know how to deal with her bipolarity, and it’s entirely possible that neither did you and you just made it worse. If she before the diagnosis was so loving and perfect to you, on her “normal” mood she would feel so miserable about having cheated on you that suicide probably wouldn’t be far. If it happened several times, again after returning to her “normal” mood she probably couldn’t live with being herself. The reality is that she probably didn’t love you anymore at that point. If you feel that her bipolarity alone changed her stance in that too, I can tell you that bipolarity doesn’t work that way.
Sorry for your loss mate and I know it can be pretty painful. Remember that these things happen among “normal” people too and stamping everyone with bipolarity a slut because of one girl is pretty unfair. Best of luck in your recovery and hopefully you’ll get find a great girl for yourself soon.
you know, I think a lot of you are mistaking narcissistic personality disorder for bipolar. I am bipolar, I know other bipolars, and yes I have mood swings, manic times, etc. But I have never been as hateful and mean as some of your partners sound. I have also been involved with npd’s, and that is what most of this sounds like. Also, Sean, I am pretty sure your lady is more likely borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. Borderlines have an extreme fear of abandonment, and that is why she got so angry when you did not kiss her as soon as you got home, or give her enough attention. I think she’s been misdiagnosed. Narcissists are horrid, they have no feeling for others and just use them, emotionally, sexually, financially. I wish all of you the best, and your loved ones too. My bipolar has caused a lot of problems in my life, but mostly have it under control at this point in my life, it’s been a long rough road.
Thought I’d just provide an update to my earlier post a week or so ago….
So I returned to where I live and my “ex-girlfriend” texts me to say she is terribly depressed and needs time away from dating to heal herself and doesn’t want to hear from me….
So I intended to respect her wishes and we only made contact in order to sort out some logistics….return each others posessions etc, me cancel flights for the Xmas holidays I was supposed to spend away with her and her family
Her responses started to become increasingly bizarre, as if she had reinvented herself. Whilst she told me what a wonderful person I was, she started telling me how, a week after being practically suicidal, she was another person, had stopped drinking, smoking and had found God, who was now leading her to the light – she had never shown any religious or spiritual inclinations before.
Then on Wednesday night I was on Facebook and was informed that “XXXX was in a relationship with YYYY”! I rather regret my furious reaction but I think it was also understandable given how she had invoked such a compassionate reaction in me, whilst she was really betraying me all along. I let rip with my anger in a series of text messages and her responses were narcisstic and in my eyes she seemed to have this distorted perception of our relationship as if it was some sort of “Sid and Nancy” coupling, which I really don’t recognise. She said she was sick of a life of lies and games and just wanted a simple honest life – exactly like me! She asked me to leave her alone and let her be happy….
It seems like she has reinvented herself. Started to hang out with completely new people, with new interests that don’t quite seem to tie in with the person I thought she was. She also continues to play the victim, saying how she got to the point recently where she was nearly suicidal…although now seems to have been rescued by God (and her new partner no doubt!). She had the audacity to even ask where I had been when she was having a difficult time…quite a hard one to stomach when I was usually trying to figure out the same about her after one of her disappearing acts!
I returned all her stuff at teh beginning of last week and she still hasn’t even returned mine….despite giving an assurance she would do so on Thursday. I also communicated with her mother, who told me she was definitely NOT dating someone else – so someone somewhere is lying and I suspect its my ex.
This has been pretty traumatic. I have got overly drawn into the chaos and dysfunction, and whilst she appears to have run into the arms of someone else, its me left running to a shrink and getting medication for the stress and anxiety!! But in the moments of clarity, I realise I have probably had a lucky escape and the advice on here to RUN was probably spot on. I have to look after myself first and foremost and not take this personally. I conclude that I have been dealing with somebody who is sick – whether that is psychologically sick, or just nasty sick I do not know
As I read and learn about bi-polar my experience sounds similar to that of others in similar situations. If she is ill, I feel sorry and compassion and wish her well. However I am telling myself to put myself first and will not be there if she makes contact again in the future. I don’t deserve or have the capacity to put up with this kind of behaviour. I left a gift and a letter with her peosessions, prior to learning of her new BF – she said that she hadn’t even read it and would return it unread – if that is not a sign of someone trying to run away from themselves, then I don’t know what is.
For those bi-polar sufferers out there, forgive my anger. I have huge compassion for those who are mentally ill or unbalanced. But I also have a life to lead and a sense of self I need to protect. I have been on the end of some nasty break ups in the past but nothing so manipulative and horrible as this….
Angel,
I could really use some advice, from somebody with BP as most of these posts do not sound like my girlfriend either… She’s entered a depressed cycle due to health issues….. I didn’t even know she was Bi Polar only that she had a mood disorder, she never really elaborated just told me that she would have these moods, but to me for over 6 mos she was fine, even though her body rejected medication months before…… She all of a sudden had bizzare behavoir not texting me back not calling me and this girl was always calling me and texting me non stop for over 6 mos….most times from sunrise to the middle of the night ……When this all started happening I accused her of cheating, because the behavior was all there I just couldn’t be certain, but she had ended it with me , she was snapping, lashing out for no reason and I didn’t understand she was my best friend and I wanted to marry this women…..
Now I struggled and struggled to understand what was truly going on, but all she would say is that it wasn’t me and I’m taking things personal.. I tried sending flowers and other things to cheer her up, but it almost seemed like Ehhh thanks, but I didn’t know to I landed on this blog what was happening it’s been a month since we talked a text here and there and she tells me Im pushing her and “we have nothing left” but this is the same woman who said beside me she only had a deeper love for her child…… I asked if she really means it and she doesn’t reply cause I know she loves me….or that’s what I hold onto at least. I dont know weather to contact her and let her know that I understand now and will be there for her, or if I should just leave it alone? most people say they will come back….when she”s stable she’s loving caring sensative with great morals something and somebody I always wanted… Any advice would help on what to do would help.
I have gotten involved with a BPD/NPD and I do have compassion for them and how this influences their lives. However, I have to also love myself in the process, if I lose myself in loving someone else, nobody is being loved. I first have to love myself, then I have something/someone to give another person. This is almost impossible with BPD/NPD and the best thing is for me to get well from their abuse. It may involve leaving the relationship and as painful as that is, MY MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST as important. I am not a monster who doesn’t care and is judgemental I am a person , who needs to be treated with respect also.
BPD – borderline personality disorder
NPD – narcissistic personality disorder
To close, I agree with you 100%. It seems that the BPD people are only concerned with themselves. My exBPDw said one time that everybodies schedule revolves around hers, then laughed! I know for a fact that she wasn’t being facetious. Many a true word have been said in jest. We must take care of ourselves no matter how much we love our BPD partner!!!!!!!!
Bob
Wow- nothing like the Holidays to let the Bipolar Bears out running amok! people…these BP’s will devastate you. Mame you, torture you….shall I go on? I’m sympathetic, but c’mon! Unless they are willing and DO something about their illness, YOU are going to be in HELLLLLLLLLL being with them.
I know. I wasted years of my life with a person that is long since dead mentally. The shell of what was once a kind loving lady is now a mean twisted scary vindictive B*tch that ignores me completely. We were engaged by the way.
READ and learn about this awful illness. Otherwise, they will wipe their muddy boots on you , laugh about it…and say (maybe) that they LOVE you next week with all their heart before plunging the knife in metaphorically the following week right before they run off for months of no contact.
For real people….RUN!
Here are a few things I experienced and learned from getting involved with BPD/NPD unfortunately the hard way but lesson well learned.
>When I allow someone to mistreat me, I am non-verbally saying I don’t matter.
>An angry man/woman who is not accountable to anybody in their life is DANGEROUS, I agree 100% with eddywebb64 – RUN!!!!
>if loving someone is causing you to self-deny and self-debase yourself, are you self abusing yourself in the relationship?
>your life gets better when you get better
>in loving them do you forget to love yourself?
I now am taking my time before getting involved in any type of relationsip and believe what I see, when I see it. This relationship with a NPD was only a friendship I couldn’t imagine getting involved in this type of relationship romantically, Crazy making for sure
See the idea is you have to understand the concept of being Bipolar. If you don’t understand the concept, you won’t understand the relationship. Bipolar is an illness but PERSONALITY is another story. Just because you are Bipolar doesn’t mean you are going to be mean, miserable and heartless. These qualities go along with the persons PERSONALITY. I am bipolar & let me tell you-I’m like a marshmallow. Nice. Soft. Weak. You make me upset-I cry. I get the blues. I need love. I need affection. Yes, I love to be alone. Yes, I love the night-dread the days. Yes, I cry over anything that makes me upset. But the most beautiful thing about it all-is that I get these highs-especially after I workout. I get these highs when I see people in love. I get these highs when I see my family happy. All Bipolars are different because they acquire different personality traits. Also-do you know that MOST bipolars go through a period of insanity-that’s what classifies them as Bipolars. After that the person gets on medication, recieves therapy and sees a psychiatrist for a period of time or most often for life. It can be controlled-but of you have a Bipolar in the family or are in a relationship with one-it can be a roller coaster of emotions. BUT that’s not to say all Bipolars are like that-I know A LOT of “normal” people who are completely unstable and live on an emotional roller coaster. Yes, Bipolar is an illness but with the illness comes personality. If your partners personality is awful-you will end up having a miserable relationship. If you Bipolar partner is an alcoholic and does a bunch of drugs-your life may get even more complicated. Love is a beautiful thing. Just because a person is Bipolar-you shouldn’t have to “RUN”-the key is to UNDERSTAND the illness, UNDERSTAND your partners personality and most of all never downgrade your partner just because they are Bipolar.
Much Love,
Mercedes
Hello Mercedes:
I can totally agree with you I have been in a friendship (6 yrs) with someone who is bipolar, they are very sensitive, faithful, committed friends, you couldn’t ask for a truer friend. However when they go off their meds’ the whole relationship changes.The diabetic needs insulin and the bipolar needs their meds to be able to function in life no different. If the diabetic goes off their meds they can die, very serious situation. When my friend went off their meds it was hell for both of us. That is where I can’t take that for my mental health and I am just as important as they are. That is where I am coming from, we matter here too.I am not downgrading my friend I have much compassion for them. If they choose to go off their meds that is their decision, I can voice my concerns but we all have been given a free will. I choose for me when they go off their meds to remove myself from the abuse, and that is very real. Which I am sure came somwhere in their lives and they are just repeating what happened to them.
I wonder if you can help me. I recently met someone wonderful living with bipolar disorder, on lithium. It was great and then out of the blue he breaks it off saying he can’t and doesn’t love me. He had some stress in his work which initiated deep depression.
What is best for him? I want to contac him bu the gentle attempt i made was unanswered.
Inteallybfell f
Hi Lisa
Hope you like riding the roller coaster ride that could be what you in for with this guy
The “rollercoaster” ride applies to anybody that is unstable. Just because your partner is bipolar doesn’t mean you will be on a rollercoaster. Just be sure to give the person their space when they need it. Understand the illness before you under estimate it. & if you love the person-show them love. Don’t hide it. If this “bipolar” individual is not for you-leave them alone. They are better off in peace then with negativity surrounding them.
I totally can understand your side of things here. I am coming from the other side of being in a relationship (friendship) with someone who has BPD/NPD. In my experience with BPD we would go along fine until something would trigger them and I would get anger way out of portion regarding the situation, rejection/withdrawal. I was constantly walking on egg shells wondering if the land mine would go off. That is very draining in a relationship. BPD/NPD’s mental health is very important, take the time they need, give them lots of space etc. The other person also needs to ask the question can I have a relationship with this person, do I want one? I found for myself I could not take the roller coaster ride, would I get the anger, rejection or withdrawal today, and what would I get tomorrow the intense highs, acceptance and bang I would step on a land mine, that would set them off. I found it was like relating to someone who has 3rd degree sun burned skin all over them.
It was very difficult to show that person love when they would constantly push me away, when something wasn’t just right. I found that person took no responsibility for their stuff in the relationship and when presented with truth in love and compassion, I would get the backlash. No thankful, yes give them their space, it may be isolated space but their space for sure. This is the other side of being in a relationship with BPD/NDP we matter also and I love myself to much to be abused any longer.
Unfortunately gentle does not work for them. The only way is to not listen was he says and wait. He will be back, get used to it that’s how it goes.
I met this AMAZING woman, we hit it off from the start, same personality, same likes, same sense of humor it was a amazing connection like nothing I ever experienced before. She came from my old town and had my Aunt as a Sunday school teacher, she had told me she was on mood stabilizers and had a mood disorder, but I mean she was fine for over 6 months, We were in a long distance relationship, I went and spent a week with her, things couldn’t have been better, right before her visit here things changed….She was coming here to check out the area and everything, because she was to move here and start our life together……
Her body rejected the medication in April, but she seemed fine…. and she was seeking help to get on another medication (Mind you I was never told she was Bi Polar) just a mood disorder……But the clinic said they couldn’t help her from past meds she had a reaction too and currently just tried one more which I think was just somebody not really doing their job.
Anyway Come October she is more distant, then by November I snapped as her behavior became uncaring, unconcerned. Things I used to say that would make her cry(in a good way) or make her say I love you, no longer had a impact. As from getting cheated on in the past it seemed like that was just it…I accused her of cheating that she would not answer my calls, or just not care and then lead into pure rage. I figured I got played.
She cried as I ignored her for a day and then finally broke down I talked to her and she was back to calling me like normal, but sudden bursts of anger for no reason. Then she became distant again, but here I’m trying to talk to her like normal and she’s pushing me away again and the more I asked the more she would push, or lash out. She would say “we don’t have anything anymore” I’d say do you really mean that? she would never respond……. anytime I seem to ask if she really mean, she’s done, or whatever she never responds…..But I know this woman truly loves me, because the connection we had was impossible to find……36 years I never told anybody I wanted to marry them hell even women I was with for over 5 years and lived with, but with her it was way different. I love this girl I wanted to Marry her.
I didn’t know about cycles till I started reading this blog then reading I realized she was going thru a depressed cycle, because she found out she may have some other health issues…. She told me to back off time and time again, but I wanted answers as I didn’t understand what was happening, I read hours of this blog and then realized it’s not just “ME” She has snapped on me, but only usually if I push she has never really been verbally abusive, but seems to want to make it like I don’t exist. Her friends now all hate me as I don’t know what she may have told them and if they knew about her illness when I confided in them they should have told me, but they just said give her time and that was it. Now it’s been weeks since we talked I want to let her know I understand now, but she will
only respond short sentences, or not respond at all…..Any Advice????…. I know after this episode she will be more prone to listen about going back on meds, or trying other meds, I because she does want a stable life, but right now she’s in depressed rage mode.. I truly love this girl and want to help I hear some people just say back away and they will come back and others say to just tell them you still love them here and there idk what to do.. please any advice would be great.
Ray
Sometimes they will go off their med’s which can cause some trail and error with their doctor to get the med’s right again, (when they go off the previous med’s don’t always work and have to find new ones to balance them again).
You say you really love this girl, what is it you love about her? The love me while I push you away cycle? This will have an effect on you and it is very difficult to have a relationship with the constant on and off. The roller coaster ride can be fun for a season but a constant ride on a roller coaster, day in, week in, and year in, can wear you down and you want off the ride. Sounds like you have experienced both the high of being with a BPD and some of the dark side already. Only you can answer the question do I want to get into a serious relationship with this girl? Try not to be blinded to the dark side of this whole sickness. Trust your instincts and when people show you themselves believe what you see.
I don’t love this part of it, that’s for sure, but I mean We just had this connection this bond it was like finding a person that fit perfectly in your life….. Everything about her was something I was always looking for and we both were very much in love…. I don’t know I mean… I truly don’t know what to do… I don’t know how often do they push away like this? I haven’t had much contact with her at all in the past 2 mos. I don’t want to be a yo-yo either, I mean if this were to happen here and there , I hear some cycle in years… I could deal with it, but if it’s constant I couldn’t…. But it was the greatest experience I’ve had with another person in 36 years, so I really don’t know…
Ray
You have this wonderful connection, this bond “we both were very much in love”…. Then she rides into the sunset for 2 months and you have not much contact with her. But it was the greatest experience in 36 years. Maybe that is what it is an experience? The push and pull cycle is as individual as the person. Maybe watch the cycle and see if you can handle it then ask yourself the question is this the type of relationship I am wanting to be in?Is this relationship healthy for me? Don’t let the experience cloud your perception concerning the whole relationship. Other people on this site have shared their experiences with BPD and after trying and many years of the up and down they can’t handle it anymore. My experience with them is both personal and professional, very few BPD have stable relationships but it is not impossible although rare.
To close,
I do hear you, I don’t know maybe your right, maybe it was just that a experience, but I don’t know, can’t get her out of my head which is taking a toll on me. I never been this way before, usually I’m one that after a lil bit it’s like well, I’ll just move on. Before all of this she was sweet, charming, funny, compassionate, loving, and truly would be there for me. I just never seen such a shift…. I mean I do want to talk to her about things when she is level headed, because I feel there is just a lot of unanswered questions and things I wasn’t expecting this at all….. Is it really that rare?…. I haven’t known anybody with bi polar disorder, one girl I dated I knew she was, but she wasn’t diagnosed and well, she was just down right evil…and I ended things fast as soon as I had figured it out…. Where this one was nothing like her Idk half the time I feel like” what am I doing” I wish there was a off switch This whole thing has messed me up pretty bad….. The worst part is is that she still who she is to her friends and stuff, so of course I look like the one who’s got a disorder.
Hello Ray
You have a lot of emotions etc to work out and I am sure you will as you are asking yourself some questions, so that is good. One comment you make is interesting “she still is who she is to her friends and stuff” is she different with you? This may not all be the BPD here and maybe your ability to perceive her unspoken communication concerning the relationship. My perception button goes off when someone is only indifferent to me but not the others around them. Keep searching your heart and you will get the answer to your question. Remember the heart is a slow learner, the mind learns fast. The heart has affections, emotions and dreams attached to it, so takes the heart longer. Keep asking the questions and you’ll be fine.
Wow-this is awesome. It makes me want go start to re-blog. Beautiful way of putting the whole bipolar illness and relationships. Pushing people away. Being isolated. I am bipolar & also have a couple of other illnesses. Not easy. I love being alone. I love the night skies. I loves being one on one with somebody-not in groups. I enjoy being independent & not depending on others. Thank God for insurance & thank god for my family. I completely understand you. Your an awesome writer.
Wow, I am not alone. i was diagnosed with BMD last year.Hospitalised and alone an old friend contacted me and spoke with me very evening when I Found it most difficult to cope. My own long-suffering tired battered husband called me twice and visited 3 times in 3 weeks. One visit was to show my children (teenagers) that I was fine and needed some rest. Iwas taken to the facility when I was in a mmanic deppressive stateand was at my my lowest when my husband asked me if I was faking this just because I didn’t want to go school to do my work. I felt so insulted and hurt.I do not think though that he can be blamed for what happened next. I started having an affair with this friend that supported me while I was in hospital. we met 10 years ago while teaching at the same school. Ileft that school because of the feelings that I started feeling for him. when i found out i was bi polar things started to make sense at last. the more i read the more of myself i could see. the problem that i have is that i mostly experience severe depression followed by hypo that manifests in irratabillity, aggresiveness and anger. the problem is that he has know also been diagnosed with BMDand to make matters worse is, he has Tourettes’ syndrome.He has very big issues with trust and I feel that he becomes obsessive at times. he flies into rages and will wake me in the middle of the night and fights fo hours nonstop. What to do? not that he is thevonly ones in house wth problems. his oldest son (24) still studies and also suffers from depression and Touretts. He is also an epileptic. The youngest is very quiet and withdrawn and their mother died from a liver disease. I am not the innocent one either, because I tend to either get irritated and aggressive or just leave them to do as they please. I walked out on my husband and daughters when they where 16 and 18, when they needed me most and after 19 years of marriage. I will never forgive myself for doing this. But the saying goes “Being sorry always comes to late” It broke their hearts.coming back to my current relationship. He believes that the best form of defense is attack and I have learnt to back off from confrontation. This was a way to survive an unhappy childhood. My question is: Does anyone think that we can keep this relationship workin or will it be better for me to run away as far as possible and first try to get myself better and then work on a relationship. should I rather not be in a relationship at all and focus on schoolwork instead. I keep wandering what I did to deserve this awfull illness. I hate being like this and I hate hurting those around me. Believe me I have tried to work out a painless way to commit suicide, but havent found that yet. Someone asked me what is chasing me. If only I knew what it was and how to use it to my advantage. No one wil ever believe how tired I am of going around in circle in my head, trying to answer this. Is there any one that could give me some advice. I do not want to hurt people any more? Please help me?
Danielia
Hi Danielia,
I respect you for your courage to ask for help, and not wanting to hurt people; especially the ones that love you. I have just recently separated from my wife because she kept emotionally abusing me by having me allow her to drive me into bankruptcy. She would always complain that I had a house, and she didn’t, I had the credit cards, and she didn’t. She would then tell me “what kind of husband am I if I don’ let her use my credit cards to satisfy her instant gratification”. She turned out to be a compulsive gambler. This is only the tip of the iceberg. What I want to really say is if my wife wanted to get help like yourself I would of stopped the world to help her because I surely know I have my disorders. If you have people that love you and are willing to help and stand by you accept the help, and know they are not going to give up until you do. I tried to help my wife, but she would not admit she had a problem; I had the problems, and I was 100% at fault. Again, I admire your courage to acknowledge your need for help. I will keep my fingers crossed hopeing your wishes come true.
Godspeed,
Bob
Thank you for replying Bob. I still am no closer to an answer than yesterday. Only difference is that I am feeling a manic episode coming as we speak. I hate this illness and still cannot accept it. My children are visiting for the weekend and I have to keep the mask on so as not to upset them or hurt them anymore than I already have. I am thinking of running again and this time I will steer clear from men or any relationship whatsoever. My partner went to the doctor this morning because he has been in a manic state for more than 2 weeks now and although he expects me to be there for him and support him, like he did with me , I cannot. He irritates me with his complaining and feeling sorry for hmself. My word how can I be like this. he was there when I was alone and needed someone. I mostly feel that I cannot handle his problem because I don’t know how to handle my own. Ifeel like leaving everything, getting in my car and just driving untill the road stops.He keeps on asking these difficult questions that I cannot answer. Do I love him? I don’t know because I dont even like myself when Iam like this. How do you love others if you don’t love yourself? I am going completely crazy asking myself questions and not answering them. HOw do I answer his questions? Please someone help me. I want to run!
Well my story sounds similar to a lot of those I have been reading.
I have been with my boyfriend for close to a year now and he has been diagnosed with
bi-polar and ptsd.my question here is,is it normal for him to completely shut me out?
We have an awesome relationship 98% of the time then he has “his Moods” as he calls them where he just completely shuts down we are now going on 2 wks with no contact my biggest fear is that our relationship will end. He has said many times how happy I make him and that he is miserable when I’m not around but then BAM he wants to be left alone and by alone I mean Alone nothing text messages,e-mails,phone calls all go unanswered.Seems that if I do contact him it flips to something I’ve done and it’s an argument he knows I love him unconditionally and have and will do anything for him I just really don’t know how to deal with the silent treatment! HELP!!!!!
Tammy
Seems to be the pattern, put your seat belt on your going to need it for the roller coaster ride you’ll be on. If you can handle that great, I couldn’t so I got off the ride. That was the best thing for me.
@to close
Thanks and I’m beginning to wonder if I can handle this ride,but I can’t shake him from my mind I want this to work more than anything he is a wonderful man minus these moods he gets in.My main question is do I try to contact him or just sit here and wait for him? the fear of the unknown kills me!
Hi Tammy
Only you can answer that question. Could be an insight for you to ponder, the wonderful man that he is and yet the distance that you experience also. Don’t be blinded by the good only. I was in a friendship with someone, and didn’t look closely at the dark side also. I really got hurt and pushed away many times, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I have distanced myself from the yo yo relationship and go into friendships with my eyes wide open to both sides now. My personal relationship with my husband is not a yo yo relationship I know I couldn’t handle that on in an intimate relationship for sure. Keep you eyes open and your heart to what is happening to you not just them.
Hello,
I was dating a woman who is bipolar. I really liked her and kept catching glimpses of the person she is between either the manic or depressive states. She had relapsed, I wasn’t aware, and began attending aa meetings. At the same time, she pushed me completely out of her life.
Since then, I have been trying to decide if I should contact her. I know she needs space, but I also felt that she had blamed me for something and lost her trust in me.
I’m still at a loss as to wether I should contact him? I did break down and send his son a birthday card and no response to that either but the kids are innocent in all this.the last time we were together it was great and then BAM 2 days later he completely shut down.The thing that puzzles me is he still is communicating with some friends,I’ve been told by others that have been through this that people who suffer from this disease will keep relationships with people who are just friends and cut out the ones who mean the most, the ones who want to be there for them the ones who truly love and care about them. He has made a step and went to see his doctor what came of that i don’t know. Thinking all this through over the last couple of weeks has made me come to the conclusion that if I hear nothing from him this week then I am going to go and confront him even though I may not get the result I’m hoping for I just can’t sit and wonder anymore I need to get some kind of closure to this either we are going to be together or we are not. If not than I need to pick myself up and move on I truly love this man but I can’t be pulled in and then pushed away.
Hi Tammy,
I contacted my ex last night via email – we hadn’t talked in the last two weeks. I was surprised by a response this morning, even with an invitation for breakfast and to talk.
However, as much as I have struggled with her bipolar disorder, and as much as I have wanted to see her, I immediately declined, saying I had other plans.
This may sound strange, but every alarm in my body went off. And my first thought was, if she becomes agitated that I cannot meet her, then I’ll understand a bit more about her condition.
So far, from what I have read here and in books, it is all very confusing and crazy making. But I am also convinced that the most important part is understanding the ‘triggers’ which I do believe are predictable.
The girl I was seeing had also relapsed back into alcohol abuse. That was really obvious to me, but she hadn’t said anything. And just as soon as I was comfortable broaching the subject, she brought it up herself and began attending aa meetings. In the process, she pushed me completely out of her life.
My current feelings are that there was a lot buried beneath the drinking – I think her condition is mild to moderate. And the more time we spent together, the more I saw her relax and trust building. The episodes of pushing me away have been challenging beyond belief. And I am certain, even from my own reactions and feelings this morning, that I cannot take part in a cycle of break-up/make-up.
What I am willing to do at this point is to explore and try to get a feel for the ‘triggers’ and to observe how her behavior is now that she is not drinking. I don’t know. I’m not optimistic, but am willing to invest time and emotional energy to see if there is a progression forward, and not backward.
It’s a real tough choice, following through and wanting to be part of a relationship with someone who is bipolar. You have to decide if it is worth it. More importantly, there needs to be some accountability on your partner’s side. I cannot imagine the horror of simply hoping it works and yet not doing any work to make that possible. But learning the triggers, controlling the environment, and certainly learning better communication skills can and will make a difference. I’d be curious to hear some successes here. I am sure it would provide guidance to many of us. Jim
Thanks Jim
sounds like we r in the same relationship. I’ve spent most of the weekend thinking about this and trying to figure out what to do,as I have stated before I truly love him but can’t do the roller coaster ride. He seems to do better with people he can just have quick encounters with and then cut them out of his life people he is not going to gain feelings for.Because when you get too close and he starts to feel comfortable then he freaks out.So at this point only I can change this relationship be it for the good or the bad and he will see me one last time even if it makes him mad I am women enough to look him in the eyes tell him I love him and walk away
This is very interesting webpage to hear how others struggle in relationships is BPD etc. The personal struggle that we face can be a difficult one to process. You care about the other person whether it is friendship or romantic, the relationship means a lot to us. To have to answer the tough questions we need to answer for ourselves, need to be answered and not only about the person suffering from BPD, as we matter also.
I found that yes there are triggers that will set them off, but my experience was deep trust issues hidden behind a lot of the crazy making behaviour. Thus the love me while I push you away behaviour. You can handle that for a season but if the whole relationship is build on that, way to much for me. In a healthy relationship there is a safe place for both parties to give and receive without the intense anger, rejection coming forth if you happened to trigger one of their land mines. Like having a sun burned soul. My heart goes out to those who struggle with BPD, and the intense pain they must walk through. However, I can not reject myself in a relationship, for just the other person and their issues, that becomes toxic.
Accountability would be helpful but my experience with my friend was a huge structure was in place to protect the pain. Accountability was viewed as control on my part, self pity, victim mentaiity came forth mixed with all the anger. I walked away from the friendship and it was the best for me. I did the best I could to try and have a friendship, I have friends who I have been in relationship with for over 20 and 10 years, so I can commint to long term relationships, (that was echoed to me, I can’t be in long term relationships) I can be in a healthy long term relationship. I am not seeking perfection in relationships just safety, trust and vulnerability. If I happen to step on one of the land mines, there was no communication to work things out, it was my fault end of conversion, the judgement, anger and abuse that was experienced was very hurtful.
I love myself to much (in a healthy way) to expose myself to that type of relationship. We all have struggles that we need to walk out in everyday life. At the end of the day I need a safe place.
Hello,
I contacted my ex and everything immediately went back to a silly incident – it was an argument that was replayed in her head over and over again. I couldn’t even believe that the issue was still there. And all the patterns immediately returned; the blame, pushing away, biting anger, etc…
But it has felt good, actually quite a relief. I needed some closure and now feel it completely. I’d like to say, that the term bipolar feels misleading in its broad implications. From all the posts I have read here, there are several repeating patterns – again, pushing away, not letting go of a an incident or incidents and cycling back to that. Compassion with strangers, but rage against close friends and family members. And on and on.
In my ex’s case, it all circles over and over again to her using whatever tactic she can come up with to try to control me to exactly the way she wants things to be. And even back when I submitted, I see that it still wasn’t enough – I needed to be punished more!
I’ve never really experienced anything quite like it before. And, I don’t think I will again in the future. There’s something in it that goes so far back to developmental stages and trauma within the person’s childhood, that probably only good and constant therapy can really start to clear away the clutter. I DO believe that is possible. But, really, it’s up to the individual. And the process needs to be started well before that person enters a relationship. Of course, I’m not a doctor, these are just my suspicions.
Lastly, now I think about myself and look a little deeper into my own coping mechanisms and realize, with some guilt, the times I may have pushed someone away or had a hard time letting go of something. The whole experience makes me want to be a better person, a better communicator, and maintain more accountability within my own emotional responses and reactions to pain and painful situations!!
Good luck to anyone who reads this.
Jim
Jim,
Reading your story and replies to mine have been helpful. I have given him 3 wks of space and finally broke down and sent a text although it was just a simple good night I did it. of course with no response,so I decided the only thing I haven’t done is write to him so I did that as well today no e-mail no text but a good old fashioned hand written heartfelt letter. Now just to wait and see where that gets me!I’ve also decided that if there is no contact by Thursday then this wknd. I will go to his house gather my stuff and as hard as it is be done!This will be very hard for me but it’s something that needs to be done!Thanks for your advice
Hi Tammy,
I haven’t seen her for 3 weeks. It has actually been healthy and calm. She’s called and emailed a few times over the last two weeks and last night we talked on the phone for about 45 minutes. I succumbed and we are going to a movie tonight.
One thing to note is that she has continued to stay away from drinking. There’s a considerable, more stable difference now. Like night and day actually.
However, I do know that there is the possibility, more than possibility I suppose, that when we see each other and spend time together, she’ll revert back to some old behaviors; to what degree, I don’t know.
I am ambivalent at best, although I don’t have any negative feelings about seeing her. Time apart has been good. And that is something that I keep very much in the front of my mind. Meaning, I won’t go through the temper tantrums and stuff over and over again. Just wears me out.
I would like to note, for anyone who reads this, that my very brief encounter with BP thus far is limited and I am not quite sure about a lot of what it means. I DO know – again from my experience so far – that drinking CANNOT be part of it.
Anyway, good luck!
Jim
Well Jim. I finally got a reply from him he sent me a text and it went from there after 3 1/2 WKS OF NO contact here we were talking again and it was like nothing ever happened I’m still confused by all the behavior but I’m glad that we are communicating again. we have plans to spend a wknd together at the end of the month.Don’t know what the outcome is going to be but I’m willing to give it a shot,although I may be setting myself up for more drama I have to try. I hope things go well for you
Hi Tammy/Jim
I am a sufferer of BP and have been reading the posts on here to understand the hell I’ve put my ex partner through. Unfortunately my illness proved too much for her and she moved on. Reading everyone’s stories is very upsetting. I’ve only just started seeing professional help and medicating but in the last month I feel much more ‘human’ again. My problem is the reverse to both of your’s. My ‘normally’ minded ex has lost the love she had for me and now i’m in my normal mood cycle all I can think about is her, and how much I love her and miss her.
I don’t expect any sympathy for myself being a BP Sufferer, I don’t really have great advise to anyone with a partner reading this. If you truly love someone then hang in there, once they are out of their cycle, try and find a way forward to better prepare for the next episode. The right treatment is available.
I’m sitting trying to work out how to get her back but the more I read on here the more I realise if she loves me she will come back. Reading all your comments has made me think it might be better if I didn’t put her through my BP, I love her enough to let her live a happy life with someone else who doesn’t have my problems.
I have been married to a man for 25 years that has finally come to the realization that he is Bipolar, but will not get help. He drinks everyday (a lot), verbally abusive and obsessed with thoughts of his life before moving south and getting married. He says that he should have never married me, he no longer loves me or wants to be around me.
I should probably run, but I am not a quitter and I made a promise to love him in “sickness and in health” and I know the great guy that is in there somewhere. If he were not in the middle of a severe manic episode, I might believe him. In 25 years, the only time he has said “divorce” is when he is manic. He is convinced that I am the HELL in his life. Three of 8 siblings have been diagnosed with Bipolar and 2 of them have been hospitalized a couple of times. I have known for many years that he is sick and have tried everything to get him help, but it only makes him more angry. He has not talked with his parents and most of his siblings in at least 2 years. I am the only person in his life that knows any of this.
When we met, he had never had a girlfriend for any length of time, mostly one night stands. He is now convinced that if he pushes everyone that cares about him out of his life, he can go back to superficial relationships, no sharing, no pain and he will miraculously be fine. The commitment I made 25 years ago is something I do not take lightly. If he were getting treatment and his mind were somewhat healthy, I might be more inclined to believe that my marriage was over and divorce was the answer, but I am not ready to give up on him. If I were not here there would not be anyone to watch out for him.
Since August, the good days are less and less. Over the last 3 months he has drank every day except for 11 days, when he tried to stop. After the 3rd day of sobriety, I began to see the guy I feel in love with, but he soon left and the angry, hateful monster returned. It breaks my heart to see this disease take over his mind with so much hate. The chaos this disease causes in so many lives, the emotional pain, is more than anyone should have to endure. I keep asking myself WHY would anyone stay in a relationship like this. I have always had insecurity issues, but now I really have insecurity issues. With the late nights out, not knowing where he is and money spent on who knows what, makes me afraid for both of us. I have no clue what tomorrow is even going to bring. I never plan anything more than 1 or 2 days in advance. I am quickly losing faith in everything.
Any help out there…..any words of wisdom????? If your spouse is bipolar, how do you handle this disease????
Have you ever considered getting some much needed support and help for yourself. His dis – ease is affecting you. Like boiling a frog in water, you gradually turn the heat up until it is boiling but the frog doesn’t know it.
Hi guys, Im sorry if I repeat more or less exactly what someone might have said already, only just found this site and despite being near the end of a 2 month hypermanic period i cant read everything quick enough! I dont like talking about being Bipolar to friends and my parents dont even really know so im hoping in a ‘Fight Club’ talking to strangers scenario, this will help myself and others realise how lucky we can be with our other halves.
Unlike a lot of the accounts I’ve read here, I’ve always wanted long term relationships rather than a quick (sometimes really quick) screw against a wall of a bar. I love women and the incredible way they can make us feel and generally go overboard if I find someone who stays past the first naked experience! But very much like every other account here, I want my girlfriends to shut up asking about my life and not bother talking about what’s going on.
I was misdiagnosed with ADHD years ago and then the same doctor screwed up a second time claiming I had Depression, threw whichever antidepressants came out his drawer first at me and wrote a sick note. Since then I have been informally diagnosed as being Bipolar and it answered a lot of questions, mostly with ex girlfriends.
I was certain I had told my current (and I pray final before marrying her) girlfriend I was Bipolar right at the start, as it was obviously an important thing for her to know, but 2 years later it came as a shock to both of us when I mentioned it and she said she didnt know. She’s not stupid so I reckon it was me forgetting. Before we met Id developed a bit of a drinking problem, (switching from a weekly binge twice resulting in stomach pumpings to what I consider a worse style, Imnow drinking a fair amount every day) and stopping smoking weed. She had calmed her drinking down after getting too aggressive and just smoked weed, kinda polar opposites!
Since meeting her I’ve only been really low once and for 3 months I alienated her, snapped insults not even related to the arguments I was starting, just to get the final word whilst hurting her too, just to end them so we could go back to not talking. Im not saying everything was my fault as she is a very passionate and strong willed person and we… differ in things we are good at, so I’d end up being insultingly patronising (that means to look down on someone
) to both try and make myself look better and to help her see my side of the argument (usually the former though). Ive made sure Ive never used being Bipolar as an excuse for anything as I see it as an easy get out, and the people that matter understand anyway.
It came to a head for me one night when my band played the worst set anyone has ever been dragged to watch, her sitting with the other girlfriends she didnt really know and they clearly didnt bother wanting to get to know as we viiolated 2 hours of originally good songs. When we got home I was ready to smash something from playing badly anyway and she was upset for such a terrible experience, I defended my friends rather than even trying to empathise with her, decided she was being stupid and I was right and nearly hit her when she started yelling (I’d die before letting anyone hurt her, how hypocritcical!) I’ve never hit any girlfriend and walk away early in arguments just in case but that was really close.
I guess in my own head Id made up my mind that we were over so got even more aggressive, introverted and unreasonable for about a week after. She had just finished a councelling course and I was getting fed up with her psychoanalysing everything i did, even though she wasnt at all. Of course it was all about me, never mind the fact she was going through a hell of a nightmare herself, as she can suffer from insecurity and depression herself.
One night I was driving home from work and thought so hard about how easy it’d be to smash the barriers on a bridge I use every day and let fate decide what happens, I kept thinking about it more and more. I came to her place one night after trying to slash up my stomach (but only in a ‘to feel alive’ way rather than anything more sinister) and the shocked look on her face when she saw them I will remember forever. The night after that I told her I couldnt carry on with her anymore giving some bullshit reasoning and went to leave. She pleaded that we talked about it, crying for over an hour as she reasonably tried to get the answers out of me, but I couldnt bring myself to say anything useful at all. Privately I was gutted that she was fighting so hard for us, because it made it harder for me, i was really selfish. We agreed a break for 5ish days because I wanted time alone and she was abandoned, not knowing whether Id stay or leave.
Coming back to her was the best thing I’d done up to then and despite a lot we worked so well with each other and I think she trusts me again not to hurt her and crush the small bit of confidence she had at the time.
When she found out about the disorder in Novemberish last year she was quite shocked but then reliving some of the shit times I’d put her through she could understand completely why I’d done something which made me feel better, even though I thought she’d already known from the start!
When Im hypermanic I weirdly lose any kind of sex drive rather than the usual increase of activity which really upsets me. We’ve had a few varying problems from the start with sex, namely her being used to being more submissive and me generally being a bit shit, a bit prudish talking about issues and much more used to a 50:50 sexlife. She’d been a bit rude I thought when she told me all the things I was doing wrong compared to what she was used to and although I assure her it wasnt because of that, she’s sure thats why we never really had the ‘new couple’ sex at all. We agree sex isnt what drives a relationship but its one of the best ways of showing how much we love each other and i hate going for weeks without pleasing her. At no time during these barren sexual wastelands or during our break did I cheat on her and never thought of it, but she has never even suggested that was the reason, and I dont think I’ve asked her but Im sure she hasnt either, she was so willing to work on our relationship. I’ll always respect her for that.
2 days into my current upswing was when she found out finally, and since then I’ve been getting an hour’s sleep a night, leaving her alone in bed and sometimes not even bothering to give her a hug in the morning when she wakes up, instead im trying to plan 15 or so other projects to keep my racing mind occupied whilst also trying to find easy to understand information about Bipolar for her to read. She’s a talented alternative/nude/fetish model and I think I’ve seen more leather, rope and knots than a family of cowboys put together on different websites trying to find her some shoots nearby. I think Im being supportive (after being quite cruel about her modelling at the start) but I think Ive tired her out by constantly showing her new sites and ideas and stories I’ve read. I just want to have something we can enjoy together after so many fights and lifestyle differences.
She suggested I see a doctor to start on proper meds as I’d been self medicating with drink and others things but after the joke of a GP I’d seen at the beginning I really didnt want to. I hadnt even bothered reading about Bipolar for myself but after looking at some of the side effects and hearing stories (and the fact I was manic, I love the feeling and still dont want that taken away) I didnt want to rely on anything to live a normal life, ignoring the fact that alcohol and nicotine flow freely into my mouth.
I went to see a different practitioner about 3 weeks ago and he gave me a try on Val…something, I forget. It was a mood stabiliser and what I went through was essentially a tick-box checklist of everything written on the warning label. I was calmer for sure, but sleeping even less and hallucinating your dead grandmother sitting on your lap as you drive a van for a living is not a good method of getting on in life. I cant remember the second drug either, it wasnt so bad but I couldnt feel anything, no emotions whatsoever which apparently happens to a lot of people but it was so alien to me I thought I was in a coma. The third one was a compromise between the first two, I saw things that werent there but at least I could laugh or cry about them and I kept thinking to myself ‘Im doing this for my girlfriend, if she’s happier with me taking something then it’ll be fine.’
I noticed I was starting to lose large sections of my days and couldnt work out if I was sleeping or losing my memory, I said to her about drifting off on a 30 minute drive and despite not hitting anything or anyone on a very difficult road, I dont remember a single part of it. I couldnt get words out properly either, having to take 3 attempts at most sentences which frustrated both of us so much we argued again. She said whilst walking away after I said Im not taking meds again ‘when you spiral down next time dont expect me to be there for you’ and I got so angry I was already working out which lawyer I could afford for the domestic violence trial that was surely going to happen. I cant control my thoughts but I make damn sure i hide certain actions from her, including the odd drink in the early afternoon if we’re snapping at each other. (You cant standing on two fucking feet with a substance as a crutch-best lyric from a bad band, I’ll never forget that line) She’s told me a lot that I never seem 100% open with her, which Im not. Ive never lied but just cant be bothered to talk about everything for fear of boring people.
We’re a little distant with each other at the moment and just plodding along a bit I think, We’ll bicker and I’ll throw a tantrum, come back, not sleep, kiss her goodbye going to work, repeat ad nauseum. Im not afraid that me being Bipolar is too much for her, but my insecurity and increasingly annoying habits will make her realise that we’re in our mid 20′s, and there are plenty of others out there who are much more emotional stable and mature. She’s stunning and has stayed that way since I met her, whereas I feel less and less bothered about my appearance or work ethic and I readily admit I take her for granted, in my own head maintaining the mental high groud by buying and cooking dinner and that’s enough reason for her to stay with, even though she offers to pay every single day.
I think this account (other than being far too long) is different to some of the others because my issues are what’s standing in the way of us moving forward, not my Bipolarity (think that’s a word) and I totally understand what I need to do, and maybe I will soon when I go back to normal for half a year or so. Im scared about the next downswing, both for myself and what I might do, but mainly im scared for her having to deal with totally unfair abuse and months of self destruction. Bottom line really, to hell with small differences, if youre as ugly and slightly miswired as me, thank whichever god you believe in every day that you’ve found someone who’s there for you, because in my case she could have been snapped up before I met her.
If anyone can recommend some legal meds that arent as harsh on the dead grandmother viewings that still let my cry to some songs, please PLEASE get in touch, I’d be really grateful. And if anyone has any ideas on what general things prolongs the manic/depression peaks and troughs and how to avoid them, any information would be great as I havent experienced this for too long.
Looking back on the other posts, I totally misunderstood this site so Im sorry for wasting anyone’s time. But I guess I can try and help by saying from my POV, even though your partner with BPD wont show it, I can guarantee they will be eternally grateful that they have someone like you guys they can talk to. The fact that youre all online sharing ideas on how to be even better at helping as much as possible, and I include my girlfriend too, makes me realise that there are some genuinely nice people around!
Rob
Hi all i have been living with a BPD ( i think) for 10 years and i cant belive i still am but i love her so much and we have 2 beautiful children 4yr and a 9 mnth old all the more reason to try and find a improvement in our lives and make this rollercoaster stop the episodes are getting closer of late with the pressures of mother hood and are starting to get well a bit full on now with some violence of sorts and alot more confusion , i have been able to shrug off most of the episodes over the years knowing they would pass and life will return to normal again.BUT now i am scared she is really starting to go inside her self and locking me out and again telling me to leave (this has happened many many times before) i dont fear for the children she is a perfect if not overly commited full time mum, but geez can she let it rip in front of them and that freaks me and them right out ,since the violent episode (alcohol fueled) she has been seeking proffesional help at my request but i do fell she is very good @ sweeping this under the carpet when talking to her pschologist she is scared and dosent want to go down the road of her BPD older brother (diagnosed and heavily medicated and @ times hospitalized) and i would say BPD sister very mixed up over a bitter broken marriage and seeking help with alcoholism ATM so sad really a nice lady and again a great caring and loving mother but i would imagine HELL to live with and thus the divorce, any way i am finding myself at the end of the road ATM having again a family holiday that has turned to hell half way through it and must admit i think i cant do this anymore but i have to for our children and my wife …….this is really sad isnit our children are so beautiful and so much a huge part of our lives but it seems under the current circumstances we can not be a family no longer because she just dosent want me around anymore she thinks i want to be a bachelor and screw all these woman that is a total bullshit i have never been unfaithfull in our 11 year realitionship and i have never even looked at another woman this is what freaks me right out she accuses me of everything with all diffrent woman that are around us (i really dont know where i could get the time or the want for this reality she sees me in ) but the demon has raised it head again and she is screaming at me again to go be a single man and throwing weeding rings at me so i can lead this life of promiscuity that is the furthermost thing from my mind ATM i really dont know what to do anymore because the slightest things can trigger off these episodes now , the latest being going to a bar with a friend (male) that was on holidays with us and having a few drinks while my wife and kids where in bed because she wanted a early night (as usual has to get 10hrs a night or look out the demon raises it head again) iam scared ATM because i know she will never medicate because she dosent want to be like her nearly bed ridden brother that @ 50+ still lives with his parents so i get no support from the inlaws because all they have ever done is sweep everything under the carpet aswell and support my wife and call me a arsehole for not being there for my family which is totally insane, so really i dont know what to do anymore and i am really starting to think there is no future anymore for our family which just tears me up inside ,there is no answer is there??????????
Hi Sco,
I don’t have to write anything, I am in exactly the same position. On top of it sincemy now a week ex bf was diagnosed three weeks ago, me taking him to a psy all people around actually believe what my bf, ex says, it’s horrific, he is out every night untill 7 am and left all responsibilities of our starting bussiness to me, he thinks he can do a lot better. On top he didn’t want a relationship because he said he ruined them all, and we had such a incredible connetion that he never wanted to loose me, I moved in with him, he proposed i doubted, but it was for the studio audioandfilmbetter to have all in one place, we work mostly from home. But it’s unhealthy, he is so jealous I cab’t meet nor receive phone calls from anyone, also he warned about a problem that he couldn’t stop cheating on his girlfriends, the depressions were to blame on his nightshifts, and the stress now on me, now he says I stalk him I am too dependent, before he was like a baby admiring me teaching him the sound and film bussiness and he felt he was gratefull to deserve me, last week he moved into another bedroom, he blames
E for all fights abd says we fight more than work, not true, I actually never raise my voice, he never shares his outings with me so i feel suffocated seeing alone at home I amin a foreign country. I feel alone have no real friends here and he is soooojealous. Every move he makes this week is hurting me more, i actually am on tranq now, even my shrink starts doubting he is bipolar since in public he behaves very well, so I saved him from having to go back to his terrible nightshift work and now all think I am the problem(not all) except someone from madrid who has a bopolr counsel and says this is just so common. I am at loss cause sometimes he is, was so wonderfull and supportive we were a real team, and no I a psycho who wants to tie him up, and a stalker, last week he wanted to stop existing and he was so gratefull and missed me after 4 hours not seeing me. How do I get him on meds, when the shrink first believes me and now doubts and I first didn’t want him to change but now I have suffered so much and it is so much worse than I expected. I never knew who would walk back from the bathroom, i thought he had multiple pers dis, now i amalone with this, and the specialis counselor from madrid says to act normal and wait it out. But what is normal when any move I make is weird or deserves criticism from him, how i drive, cook, walk , my expression. , whatever, pls any advice to shield myself from pain, restore his trus in me, i cant leave the house, perhaps just a day, also the counselor from madrid says not to, just do your thing. But how when we don’t have any routine left, no morning coffee no briefing , no txts, no meals, bed , sx, hugs , dialogue, kiss, no movie watching? How??
Thanks in advance for advice, i love himso much and wish he would calm down for a trust talk about meds but he has only been sort of diagnosed three weeks ago,
Thank you,
Delilah
Hi Delilah
Not sure what part you love so much about him?
the its’ unhealthy, he is so jealous…
the stress now is on me….I stalk him…
I feel suffocated being alone….
no friends here, he is so jealous…
on tranq now..
I have suffered so much and it is so much worse then I expected…
I love him so much. What do you love about him the way you are being treated?
The old dr. hyde and mr. jekyll plays itself out again and again
I’m new here but I’m sure you will all understand my story…in a nutshell my 3 years on the bipolar rollercoaster:
I met a great girl at work- month into out rel/ship she tells me she has bipolar depression but she’s on meds for it. I start seeing paranoid behaviour, she has ‘episodes’ in front of me – crying on the couch for no reason, shaking, shuddering. She admits she tried to kill herself a couple of years ago – cutting wrists and taking pills. Then out of the blue – she breaks up with me.
A month later she returns to me and I get her to see a new doctor, get her on better meds and get her to start seeing a better pdoc more frequently. She’s still shocking with money, drinks, smokes, spends all nights out – her house is a living pigsty. Can’t really look after her pets.
Then she breaks up with me again and starts having sex with another guy from my work straight away. I am distraught and end up in counselling myself and on anti depression tablets.
And…3 months later she returns to me again. She starts to see a another pdoc – but this time – multiple personalities emerge (she always suspected there was ‘someone else’ in her) I witness this myself and find myself talking to one of her ‘alternates’. She goes into a major downward spiral over the next few months – threatening to kill herself again, won’t leave her house, shuddering, shaking, continual crying.
And I’m just trying to ‘be there’ and ‘cope’ myself with all this…
Then – she cuts me off. Won’t take any of my calls. Nothing. Silence. I stop trying to contact her – 3 months later I hear she’s got a ‘new boyfriend’ – in fact it’s another work colleague who I never got on with – which she fully knows. I am SHOCKED she’s with him. Then I find out – they’ve actually moved in together – after 3 months of dating!
So after all I’ve been through with her and all the help I’ve given her – she ends it by doing this? Would she understand my hurt at all? Would she ever stop and pause and think how this may affect ME for once?
Don’t get me wrong – I DO NOT want her back. It’s just her going out with THIS guy and moving in together has left me reeling and hurting.
Thanks for reading. Any advice most welcome. Nick
Nick
From my experience with my boyfriend she knows exactly what she is doing and most bi-polar people don’t care they always hurt the ones they love the most.We have been together just about a yr. and go through the same things one day we talk and everything is perfect and the next day BAM he is gone doesn’t want to talk won’t return text msgs. e-mails nothing. It has become almost unbearable at times. He realizes what he is doing and doesn’t care (self admitted) because in his mind I will always be there to bail him out. I have had to pay his bills send him money for groceries etc. and as much as I hate to tell this story I’m going to….We went on a wknd vacation just this past wk and things went from sugar to shit we spent all day out doing things together and had a wonderful time. Later that evening we were discussing some text msgs. that had been sent between him and his x wife and long story short he told me he would have sex with her again but just because he was a guy. I walked away at that point in total heartbreak and things got bad for the first time I saw a side of him i never want to see again Violent.He became so angry that he got physical with me and I believe this was the only way he thought he would be able to truly hurt me knowing that my marriage was very violent.Never did I think this man would put his hANDS ON ME BUT he did.broke my phone everything and in less than one hours time he was back to the I love you baby and this will never happen again. Trying to explain that this is why he feels he needs to be alone and not with anyone and that he always screws up the good things in his life we spent the next 2 hrs trying to figure this out only to realize that what had happened was his crazy little mind. As of now i have not spoken to him and don’t think I will and it is so heartbreaking because when he is well he is a fabulous man and knows that I would go to the end of the earth for him but I refuse to be hit just because he is bi-polar. I really don’t know what advice to give you but thought I would share a little bit with you just to let you know you are not alone. Tammy
Ok so where do I begin…I have been dating a woman with bipolar for about 4 years now…any situation I’ve read on here I can kind of relate to…but I’m yet to find and tips, hints, suggestions or solutions for my situation….I am in the military (3 years in) my common-law wife has 1 year left of school to finish her bachelors…the tricky thing about our situation is the distance between us…she is living with her mother in another province while going to school…we’ve succeeded so far in our relationship considering its basically a long distance one…but when she has one of her episodes all she says she wants is for me to be there with her but yet she pushes me away emotionally as she’s saying this….she has attempted to find that ‘high’ or ‘rush’ with other people recently….she gets scared of the commitment she has made, scared of the future…we love each other more than words can describe….she says she wants to just leave me because she doesn’t want to put this on my life….but I refuse to give up and she doesn’t want to either….when we are physically in the same household her episodes are almost non existent and she knows this….I’m not even sure what I’m looking for in terms of a response from anyone…I’d like to talk to my best friend about this but she is my best friend…I just wish I had someone to talk to…
Reading these replies makes me somewhat comfortable knowing that im not the only one that is dealing with this..
I was dating a girl for over a year now whom i met at my brothers wedding(10/8/11), i got her number we would talk almost every day and then i learned she was Married and was separated for (3months). I agreed to not let this bother me because i believed that if she truly liked me the now (EX husband) would be forgotten. In the beginning things were perfect… nothing could stop us.. She is (23) and i am (22). She let me know she was Bi-polar… things didnt change we started having sex, started spending the nights at each others places everything seemed just right i thought that i had found the one. .. Until New years eve…one thing led to another and there she was telling me she couldnt be with me anymore and that it was too soon. so yes of course i was bummed that night and i believed that it was truly over.. until she text me in the morning telling me that we needed to take things slow and just live in the moment. One thing that i know for sure is that she is Convinced very easily, and mainly by her family..I flew out to see her and i was suppose to be at her house for 1 week.. she sent me home in 2 days, And from then on things started to get worse. They tell her its too soon and she believes them.. they tell her to think about what she really wants… so then she tells me that its over, again. and it has happened 4 times in the past month.. we can go on for days not talking until i suck up my pride and i ask what the problem is and she replies with the same answer everytime. “its too soon i want to be alone” 2 days later she texts me unexpectedly and tells me she misses me and wants to be with me. I believe that her mind is racing all over the place and she doesn’t know when the race is over. I am constantly hurt and stressing because of it.. i love her very much but I believe i have lost all self respect and no longer care about what i feel, only because of trying to be there for her. Is it time to Walk away from this?.. i dont think that i have the strength to continue.. but the love i have for her is out of this world. I have always said that i was never a quitter and that i worked hard for what i wanted but im running low on energy in trying over and over again.
-Omar C.
Omar if you are looking for a stable relationship with this girl will probably be next to impossible. On the other hand if this crazy making is okay with you, then this may be the one. I left a friendship with a BPD and was the best thing for me. I am amazed how much it really affected me after I was out of the friendship, never again. They are creative, intelligent, and yes loving people but there is a dark side and they can be very cruel, insensitive and selfish. Not for me.
I love my bipolar partner with all my heart, we’ve been together 12 years. There has been mental & also sadly physical abuse. There has been lying,cheating and highs and lows, laughter and tears. I have stood by him whilst friends have come and gone, he’s been ripped off, arrested, lost his driving licence (twice) spent money like water, paid back massive debts and lost his job and built his own business (with my financial backing). He drinks too much, forgets his medication and is always losing things. He’s messy, foul mouthed and I cant trust him as far as I can spit!
I am bipolar. i am now 25 and was diagnosed at 13….this is hell! When I say or do ignorant things out of a mania, I can some how block it out so that to me it never happened. To my partner and daughter, it did. My daughter is 3 and knows sometimes mommy sleeps alot and sometimes mommy doesnt sleep, sometimes shes happy and sometimes shes sad. My partner I beleive is still in the “I can fix her” stage, which you cant fix someone that isnt always broken. I have rapid cycling bipolar with scitzoaffective disorder…a really shitty deal all in all. I can go from 0-900 in a matter of minutes. I am on my medication most of the time when I havent discovered something else on the internet to try or feel one is dragging me down. I am not with the father of my daughter, unfortunaty he is bipolar too but wasnt diagnosed untill I was pregnant, I fear for her, I hope she does not turn out to become bipolar and live in this emotional hell. I rarely go anywhere to avoid the conflicts of life, cheating, drinking, drugs…i work full time as a care aide, I have always been able to hold down a job. It is possible to find a balance, but you have to find your own and nothing comes easy, It is a constant struggle to do basic functioning tasks that “normal” people would deem easy. For those of you living with a bipolar partner, there are some reasoning skills in our heads, its finding the right wording to make what you say effective, and you should never deal with bullshit. We are not monsters, we are human beaings and we know when we hurt someone, do not let us mind fuck you, unfortunatly we are masters at that but we need to suffer consequences to our actions as well and our illness shouldnt be used as a crutch, we are bipolar, we see things differently than you, but we function…maybe not at the 100% level, but at a pretty decent level when we push to break that were not a statistic.:)
Several months ago when my husband said that he wanted to breakup, I was devastated. priestandrew91@yahoo.com changed my life and helped me save my marriage. I’m happy to say we finally got to be together and I’ve never been happier. Thank you for using your powers to bring happiness to other people’s lives. suzan
Ive never posted on here before so here it goes. Ive been in a relation ship for 2 yrs with a wonderfull women who is bi polar we are engaged with no date. It is getting hard to get along she is so independant and any things i say are wrong. I love the lady what do i do?
i Just found this site for bi polar. Ive never posted here before but thought i would try it. Ive been in a relationship for 2 yrs we are engaged with no date set. I love the lady so much but it is a little hard to deal with her at time but some times its great. Im trying to deal with it so i need some suggestings on how to deal with her
Jeff,
I can tell you from experience that the best thing for your relationship is to become well versed on the Bi Polar illness itself.You need to understand all of the aspects of this dreadful illness and how you are to approach it on a daily basis. Learn about all the signs and cues that she is giving you to head off episodes before they become full blown manic episodes. It takes a huge committment on your part to enter into this relationship and get married. I want you to understand that you will need nerves of steel and a strength of character to handle the ups and downs of this illness. You owe it to your loved one to do all of these things before you commit to marriage. The only other advise I can give you is to remember the three L’s Love, Listen, Learn. Always love your partner, always listen to your partner and always learn about your partner.
God bless you.
Ya know it`s so sad seeing friends and loved ones go down the road they travel, for both sides of the fence. I`ve read alot of peoples experiences on relationships with people that have BP, and it`s saddening to say that maybe I need to let go and cut the bonds.
I have just come out of a relationship that I was in for 9 months, not a long time by any means but we were friends for 12 years before then. We were going great in the beginning but then as things seem too turn out drinking became an issue with my partner needing too drink. We worked together in the beginning of our friendship, I was her manager and as most people do here in Australia in hospitality the parties and drinking were non stop. I didn`t see a problem with it back then.
We had no secrets back then and when I met her in the later years we thought we would give it a go, why not we had been great friends for years and worked together really well why wouldn`t it work. The problem wasn`t her needing to drink from what I had seen as she could go with out drinks for weeks, it was when she drank the problems arose. I`ll call her X.
X would start telling lies and putting herself in some dangerous situations to the point of where I would start to worry every time I would leave her on her own. When X drank she would become judgemental on my actions and living of life and say some hurtful things. I`m a strong character of a man and when I generally say I`m going to do something, I do it.
But it`s been 2 weeks now since X has left and I know X is slowly deteriorating and getting worse at her friends a city away. The amount of times in the 9 months we were together and I had to, come home from work early or rescue X from an ex male friends house cause he had slapped X or brought X back from another country because the idea X had for work failed when X drank. Or too go and get X out of the hospital cause X had tried self harm. I think about these things and it shows I`m not the strong character I thought I was, when all I want to do is hold her and tell her it`s going to be ok and to be the supporting man in her life and help her through it all. I only wish X would seek help, procrastination and denial seems to be their worse trait of all. Until X is ready to accept and change I can do nothing but sit by and put together the falling pieces.
But after reading so many stories of the people in here, I am deciding too give up on a dream possibly of having founding my life partner. To me it reminds me of a similar story when I was early 30`s, I don`t know if all of you have heard of the saying.
Treat em Mean, Keep em Keen.
I find me being a partner of a BP person is almost similar to that of an abused wife as I keep going back for more. As much as I love my X as a friend, a caring person, a lover and a partner. For my own health and well being I must move forward and give to someone what they will in return give to me. A life full of happiness and love reciprocated.
Thank you all for your stories and experiences you have helped me in going forward and reaching for the new.
I think your stronger than you realize as it takes a lot of strength of character to walk away from someone you love and care about. You are denying yourself of someone you really have come to love. That is not easy but sometimes necessary for who you are. Their dis – ease starts to take you down and two unhealthy people don’t make a healthy relationship. I love my friend from a distance and often grieve for my friend. My mental health and development as a person is loving me. To go down that black hole leaves me with nothing to give myself let alone someone else.
I am so in tuned with you partners of BP people. I am seriously thinking of ending it after almost 24 years. I am not sure I can take much more. I want to spend the rest of my life enjoying it. I want to get up in the morning and take my sweet ole time deciding on how I am going to spend my day, what I am going to eat and how hard I am going to work.
I am weary of constantly worrying about the mood of my other half. I love her dearly, don’t get me wrong but I feel sad most of the time now and I have always been a fun-loving extrovert. I don’t want my spirit to die. It’s time to take care of me. I could write volumes but it’s all been covered here. Perhaps I became co-dependant. I am a fixer and maybe I thought I could fix her. The break will be the hardest part but with time it will heal.
Hi Susan
From one who had to make the same decision in ending a friendship with BPD it is not easy. I found I was losing myself in the relationship and yes it was co-dependant. I am thankful that I’m getting better every day and can see the damage to myself over time the friendship caused. When I realized I was putting my needs aside for someone else continually that is not healthy. I am taking care of myself now and don’t feel the least bit selfish. I read on this page to poor helpless BP person but I can also see many of them are self absorbed who only care about themselves. Yes they have a good side but that is not what you always get in the relationship. Yes there is weakness in all of us, but this goes beyond weakness into manipulation, control and intimidation no thanks I love myself to much and choose to love my BP friend from a distance where I am safe.
Thank you for your kind words to close. It’s certainly been a roller coaster ride. The sweet times are wonderful, but the dips are horrible.
I suspect some of the people described as being bipolar are actually psychopathic. I suggest if you feel emotionally abused, manipulated, and walking on eggshells throughout your relationshship, you could be suffering Stockhome Syndrome. This can mean you are deluded into thinking supporting such a person will enable them to change and love you back, but they cannot as these people are devoid of emotional intelligence and empathy. They are often highly intelligent, attractive and know what buttons to press to give you just enough to keep hanging yourself with. Look up the work of Robert Hare, who himself is a psychopath.
Google the keywords “Psyhcopath – Stockhome Syndrome – Robert Hare” and see what you come up with. Sounds familar??
My wife is acting like this. We are going through A divorce. The few times I have seen her in court she looks so cold hearted. This divorce is hurting me so much and I wonder will she ever be the women that I married again. We have been together for 5 years and she has never acted this way. We have a 2 years old daughter together and she isn’t letting me see her. I have been spending money on lawyers for about a month and a half to get to see my kid for 2 hours on her birthday and 4 hours the very next day. She is being so hateful to me, and the morning this happened she packed my lunch for work like everything was okay and when I called her to see if her and my daughter wanted to come have lunch wIth me she was like I’m done. She was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder years back and she pretty much stayed on top of her medicine, or a least I thought she was. I later found her medicine and it appeared she hasnt been taking it. She is in a manic state and will she ever slow down to stop and think. She has tried to put a protection order on me which she failed to do. She told the judge that I wasn’t treating or trying to harm anyone and that I haven’t ever. The judge decided in my favor. She then tried to put a restraining order on me. The judge got mad because she was bringing me back for the same reason the that had already been decided on. The judge put a mutual restraining order on us. Will my wife ever stop.
Just run for the hills people. My question to you all… Have you seen a positive story regarding bilpolar? The answer is no. It’s always the samething for everyone. It hate, love… blah blah blah. It’s not worth it in the end. I dated girl for 5 years, we had an amazing time, 0 fights in the ladt 3 years. She was doing so good that she told me what she had. So she went off meds… and for a few months is was good, but eventually it all came crashing down. She is not the person I once knew, I once fell in love with. She is gone, The bipolar won in the end and that’s what makes me cry and die inside in the end. She is not herself and wont be herself till she crashes maybe then she will wake up and get back on meds.
There’s no cure for a reason, take your DAMN meds you bipolar people, you kill yourselves and everyone that Loves you in the end. For me she’s dead now, and bipolar won, I don’t want to see her or hear anything about her anymore. I just want a normal happy life and a normal woman with no disorters like bipolar.
Sorry if it sounded bad, but I’m in pain and the one suffering right now, while she’s probably high and doing whatever she wants. I lost the love of my life for nothing, no fights, no nothing.
Good luck to all, hopefully you learn and leave these people that will hurt you forever and ever, there’s 0 hope, until they find a cure, wish will not happen in out life time.
I’m the most udnerstanding guy in the world and tried to help her, but nothing works in the end, you just suffer more then they do. Leave it’s the best thing that you can do for youreself and future life.
It is indeed very difficult being in a relationship with someone who is Bipolar but it is possible to make it work. The most important thing though is that the individual who is Bipolar needs to realize that they do in fact have the illness and take responsibility and stay on medication. The biggest problem is that when they go into a manic episode it is nearly impossible to convince them that they need help. Their perception of things gets very distorted and small tiny little problems get blown up about 1000 times out of proportion to what they really are.
My wife is bipolar and we have been married for over twenty years. She recently had a manic episode and left me for almost three months. This is the fifth time this has happened. She just recently returned home to me after getting back on her medication. It is very difficult for me when she leaves as I feel betrayed, abandoned & deserted. I think the main thing that keeps me going through it all is my faith in God. I think if anyone who is in a relationship with someone who is bipolar and wants to make it work needs to, if they are not already, become a Christian and understand what God’s roll for them in the marriage is. Also it is important to ask God for strenght to endure the hard times.
If you have a bipolar spouse who is currently doing well you should set up a plan now while they are in the right mind set. Something that we did is that my wife, after her second major episode during our marriage, made up a list called “Signs That I Am Getting Sick”. She listed some of the major symptoms. (most of them about me and how she stops trusting me, thinks I am abusive and controlling and thinks that we have major marital problems) that start showing up while she is getting sick and when she is in a full blown episode. Make copies of these and keep them so you will not loose them. Then it would be very wise to share these with any close friends (preferably Christian friends) of the bipolar person the bipolar individual should share them and explain to their friends that this is how I am now when I am well and my list shows how I am, how I think and how I act when I am manic. If your bipolar spouse does fall into a manic episode it is important to call on their friends to talk to them and try to explain to them why they know they are sick. They can go over the list with them and tell them that all the signs they had indicated would happen when they are sick are evident. It may or may not work but believe me that they will have a lot better success convincing them than you the spouse. Usually the spouse becomes the target and the least trusted individual. The individual’s doctor should also be given a copy of the list as well as even they can be convinced by the bipolar individual that they are fine. They can be very convincing because when they are manic they actually believe that their thoughs and ideas are real. They cannot see how distorted they actually are.
I am fortunate because my wife has a very good friend that goes way back to her youth who is a very strong Christian. She usually has a way to convince my wife that she needs help and that things are not how she perceives them when she is sick.
While is is a very difficult battle to keep the relationship it can still be worth it. If your spouse is normally a good person you need to remember that that is who they really are and that the illness is making them act badly and that they cannot help it. If you do some planning though and have the right people informed it might be possible to stay in the relationship.
Mike
I have dated a bi-polar woman for 4 months and the relationship has had a high number of ups and downs, her moods are unpredictable. During the afternoon, things can be fine and then get together that night 3 hours later, the emotional weather in her has radically changed. To be at the receiving end of BP is stressful. The irrational nature of either a mania state or manic state pulls the relationship from one end of the spectrum to the other, and sometimes, a few shifts in one night. I find to keep my own emotional equilibrium, and sense of happiness, I can’t be emotionally attached. I need to maintain a kind of distance (emotional arms length) most of the time, otherwise I risk getting consumed emotionally by the high and low episodes–very hard also considering my own need for ‘normalcy’. I am confident she doesn’t recognize the challenges experienced at the partner end of a BP relationship, and I hesitate to make that known to her for the concern she would take it hard and feel badly about herself, which I feel likely would happen. Before this relationship, I felt no need for therapy, either professional or by writing out thoughts and feelings on paper. I spend a chunk of time each week sorting out conflicted feelings. What I have learned is anyone undertaking a relationship with a BP partner should be prepared to find emotional support for themselves outside the relationship. To be pulled back and forth often, hard to deal with, like the weather outside changing suddenly from blue sky sunshine to blizzard in (sometimes) a matter of an hour, and then back to sunshine again- several times a week, sometimes, several times in a single day, like leaving my house in shorts and T-shirt, then 15 minutes later a blizzard comes in. Its hard to prepare for the unpredictable nature of BP. I feel it is not possible to predict.
If a person chooses relationship with BP partner, I would suggest a solid support group for yourself. I would not let their BP episodes control your feelings, especially if your partner can be manipulative, which I have come realize, mine can be. I will need to walk away from this relationship. All the best, -Tim
Mike you’re a good man. This is my first time dealing with this and it’s really hard. I haven’t heard of her in two days and I just wonder what she’s doing back home. I also wonder if her parents even know what a manic episode is, I’m worried if she’s saying bad stuff about me. I just hope she get’s better quick, that’s all I can do. No way I’m waiting 3 months, 1 week max, then I must move on with my life.
I can’t relate to you guys cuz my gf takes good meds and takes omega 3, vitamin b and fish oils… We’ve had no problems in years at all. But then she decided to stop all of this and it turned ugly pretty quickly. I was lost… Where did the person I once knew went? She was perfectly fine and in a moment of a few days to a couple of weeks she was someone else. She was doing strange things and I just didn’t think it was normal. I would tell her about it and she would get upset as if it was ok and nothing was wrong. I came to a point where I had to stand up for myself and tell her she needs to get back to her medication.
Boy did I see her face boil up like there’s no tomorrow. She got up and left, turned back “As we usually hug and kiss and say I Love You” But I didn’t want to cuz I was upset. It hurt me but I was just so confused how she was.
So this is how I found this site and plenty of others. Right now it’s been 8 days since I’ve seen or heard of anything on her. She last called me a couple of times but I wasn’t home. So I know she must of been extremely mad at me. But she has strong parents and I’m pretty sure right now they are helping her take her medication or sent her to the hospital. That’s what I’m hoping for, and I think maybe that’s what the call last week for.
All I can do now is wait and see what happens. If she wakes up from all of this I’ll be here for her. We had a great relationship and wanted everything together, so this hurts a lot.
What do I tell people? Hmm, my gf is gone and I don’t know where? I’ll them later on if she never comes back, but right now I’m trying to relax and take it easy.
It’s really hard and I don’t know how you guys deal with it. The first days were hard, I had 5 bad nightmares of her and even one where I had bi polar cracked my mom’s neck. I guess because all I was doing was drinking all day and reading people’s bad bi polar stories.
That’s the problem with the internet because all we see is the bad. I don’t think people who have great relationships post much on sites or forums like this because all is good in their lives.
I just hope and pray every day she is ok, she’s lucky to still be living at home with strong parents that won’t let her go bad lot a lot of people in here do… They need help, they needs medications, or at least try natural supplements. Buy some yourself… Crush it and put it in their food, it’s good for their brain and you can put it in your food too. This might help for you all. Don’t live with pain forever.
I think I aged a good year in the past week, I feel like I’m in a movie or a book. Heck, I don’t understand why there isn’t a big movie of bi polar it would teach our world all about it. So many people have no clue what it is and just say they are crazy… We need more info like this site provides, but most won’t understand unless there’s some kind of a movie or they unfortunately live it.
Hopefully everything will be ok and workout for the best. Maybe I’m lucky seeing this now and learning about it before living with her and experiencing it myself. Maybe this will make us stronger and a better couple, if of course we still are. Through every bad there’s a positive and in the end I know it will all work out.
Fasten your seat belt your going to need it to help you get through this ride of your life