Man, there’s a novel right there.
For a long time, I’ve kept my husband at arms length. While lithium has improved and stabilized my bipolar, old habits die hard. It’s easier for me to block myself off, to remain remote and mute, to huddle on the couch and speak little for days. The interior dialogue in my head helps me forget that I’m not actually talking most of the time anyway.
Frankly, it’s easier to push you away than to try and deal with you.
Partners represent many messy, painful things. Trust. Love. Commitment. Responsibility. Things that sometimes, we want to forget. Things that scare us. Trust is a big one for me. I have a very hard time trusting anyone, partly from being abused, and going on to lose my mother, partly from my latent paranoia. There is a gated complex around my heart and brain, and very few people have access to it. I do not trust people enough to allow them the privilege of potentially hurting me. (It took awhile to get over this with my children)
Letting my husband in has taken time, and even now can be a shaky thing. I’m so raw in some ways, that trust equals exposure. If I hurt, it means it’s even easier for him to hurt me. So best act fast, suckerpunch, and move on. That way he can’t say or do anything that might break my heart. It’s the equivalent of people who break up with their respective other only because they heard that they were going to do it, and they’ll be dammed if they’ll let their girl/boyfriend do it first.
I push him away because it hurts less. It’s not so dangerous.
In my experience, things that I love go bad. They die. They hurt me. They betray me. The thought of willingly exposing myself to these things-it’s chilling, and terrifying.
Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.
None of this is fair to the partner who is at the other end of it. There’s even been times when I’ve been like “Divorce? AWESOME idea.” Those times are scary afterwards, when you figure out how close you’ve come to ruining everything in your life that actually holds any meaning.
Your partner isn’t pushing you away because it’s you, not likely. It’s what you represent, what you are. Hug them anyway. Tell them you love them. Break down that wall.
Let them push. But hold firm, and catch them when they fall back to earth.
Where vultures Fly…
I am the husband at the other end. I come home sometimes never knowing if this will be a good night or a bad night. I pray for the good. Sometimes I let my guard down.
It was such a good day. Texting each other about the red fishnets she won on ebay. Can’t wait till they come in! “I love you”, she loves me back. I got a text later that said, “don’t you miss me”? I respond back an hour late, “always! I miss my babes”! I come home from work. I am exhausted today. The new baby, 5 hours a night takes it’s toll. We share nightly duties. My mom was babysitting. I never get to see her. I walk in the door. I accidently woke the baby. My mom asks me how my day is. She talks alot. Twenty minutes later, my wife gives me those eyes. She’s mad. Oh god no! Not now. Now what…?? think think think! What did I do wrong. My stomach gets warm, I feel really funny all over. My heart races. I’ve got to stop it quick. I tell her I love her. I go to hug, kiss, embrace. I ask her to sit on my lap. She’s beyond upset. Right in front of my mother. I forgot to kiss her when I came home. She thinks I don’t care about her. I try but now she pushes me away. Goes to take a shower. My mom asks me what just happened. I tell her I have no clue. I guess I should have given her more attention when I came home. I guess I shouldn’t be tired. I don’t know. The sky starts to come down on me. I ask her when she gets out of the shower what she wants to eat for dinner. She says nothing. I tell her I am sorry, that I love her. I was just tired, distracted from the baby, my mother. She won’t hear it. It becomes all about her feelings, and how she is tired too. She magically is able to conjure everything from the past, and the waves of shit come at me. I don’t dare defend. Been there, she doesn’t care what I think anyway. I am everything horrible. Think of the worst things, and thats what I am called. The worst ones are worthless and pussy. I hate those. They hurt the worst. I could stand up for myself but it escalates. I can leave, but she yells these things out the door. I live in a condo. Everyone hears. I cover my head with a pillow. Wish myself on a gorgeous beach, telling myself I love her, I love her. Sometimes it goes for hours, and I don’t exaggerate.
The worst of all I guess, is the horrible things she tells me about me. And then when she is done, she closes the bedroom door, and I am left to just sit with it all. She says divorce like it’s no big deal. I love her so much. I don’t want to go there. I know this is just an illness. Brain chemicals right? Because we can be talking about fishnets and butterflies the next day. She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know. I think I will probably die early in life. My heart hurts all the time. My stomach, always nervous and warm. Not a good warmth. I feel like a daisy, love me, love me not. I only have so many petals… ~Sean
Man, so nice to read that Sean. I think you painted a perfect picture. I did not marry my girlfriend (now ex as of last week, again). But for the past year its been constant ring shopping and pushing me to move in together until I did 3 months ago. I warned her we needed to work on the relationship more but she insisted she would be a bitch until i did. Well sure enough, lots of arguing over the stupidest things and the whole time me not remember what happened exactly one year ago when she had her breakdown episode into a month long mania. So i argued back and now of course all the hate has come out as she has gone into a episode exactly a year later from the last. Same phrases coming out, everything. I am suddenly a “fucking psycho idiot”, she doesnt love me, this whole thing has been a error, says we never should have slept together and she is disgusted and that she hasnt been into this for the past year. Not a SINGLE good moment according to her in this state of mind. I can count 100s. Its just unreal, as the days of a episode go on the excuses and outlandish reasons come flying out of a hat. I am suddenly the co-dependent one although i didnt want to move in together. Basically overall i am now the mistake and a joke to her. Unreal. So now its back to miss independent who doesnt want a relationship and doesnt love me in that way etc…. and boom, instant wall and distance and out tearing up the town with heavy make-up. High-five myself : /
sean, i feel for you. i was dating a bipolar for 4 years. undiagnosed, but i know he was bipolar because lucky me, the guy before was also, so i knew all about it. i had that pain and warmness in my stomach, ive been called every name in the book by him. he gave me a beautiful ring on our 4th anniversay of us dating and then broke up with me 2 weeks later. i know this sounds horrible but i call it cancer of the soul. ive been so good to both bipolars. really the perfect girlfriend and was treated like shit. soon after we broke up he started calling me again, but i told him to get lost. i feel sooooo much better. my stomach feels normal for the first time in a long while. i will never go near one of these people again.
Jay,
At the same time, where is your sympathy? Where is your human decency? Do you think it is part of the person’s personality or control to act like they do if they have an episode due to bipolar. Your opinion, that you were the perfect girlfriend, was well off. If you cared about these people you would not take their abuse at all, but insist that they get serious help. “Cancer of the soul”. You disgust me. “These people”. Who do you think you are? 1 in 6 people have bipolar. What you have written is incredibly insensitive and ignorant. You should be ashamed. There is a corelation between bipolar and creativity, “these people” have a deep beauty within them that should be embraced not frowned upon. Wake up!
Hey Sean,
How are you ? It’s so amazing that I can relate to
everything you stated because I have experienced
this with my wife also, I believe this is true about
the chemical imbalance, but sometimes it’s very difficult
to understand and deal with.
Sean –
Are you still with your wife? If so, I want to know how you are and if this has been a good decisions for you.
I have been with a man I love very much for 5 1/2 years. I did not move in with him until just before our 4th year of dating. Until I moved in I never realized the depth of his illness. In fact, until this week, I didn’t know that he was bipolar. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t have anything to “pin it on”. I have read so much on the subject and feel so validated at this point. But, how do fix this? Knowing the truth and resolving are two different things.
Once I moved in with him, episodes happened quite frequently usually involving drinking or getting high. Sometimes he was elated, other times he was nasty and mean, angry and verbally abusive. Other times he would be emotional and cry. I couldnt’ believe it was the same person that I loved all of this time. Ten months into us living together, he caused a huge, drunken, ugly scene at a family event. The police were called but we got him out and home before they got to the location.
Once home, his tirade continued. He threatened to kill me, my family and anybody else he could think of that night. He told me to get the “f” out and that he could replace me. He had women come and go in his life and I was no different. I went numb. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. So, I lay there in our bed, alone, and prayed that he would fall asleep in the other room. Eventually he did and in the morning I left and I haven’t been back to live there since. However, I have continued our relationship, because the “good” parts of him are so good that I do not want to let him go. He has done so many kind things for me and others – but the bad times are soooo bad, especially lately. They seem to be escalating.
We have been back and forth for 10 months. Sometimes I sleep at his house and others nights I go to my parents home. I have reached a point in my life where I need to take care of myself and get healthy so that I can take care of him. Do you think that is possible? My goal is to get a place for us that I am able to maintain myself – his home is small and dirty and he doesn’t finish any project that he starts. The home I would pick out would have a special room or garage for him. I’d make a “cave” for him to retreat to during his episodes. It seems like the perfect solution for both of us. We would get to be together during the good times, I can handle the abuse and have learned to not take it personally, and he can have a place to fight and let out his demons. (During most of his manic phases he drinks, gets high, listens to really loud music and hides in the garage or the basement where he writes down all of his “ideas” which are usually so far fetched and have no basis in reality, but I tell him they are great. I never want to reject him or make him feel bad – he does enough of that on his own. I am constantly stroking his ego and giving him praise for any little effort or task that he completes.
His dream is to work and rebuild cars. I recently started my own business in the hopes of having more control over my income and also flexibility to be there for him during any of this “phases”. Also, not having the responsibility of looking after a house and worrying about an income, I hope, will give him the time and energy to really work on his dream and his cars.
This past Saturday we had a great evening. He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and we were spending time together. I had agreed to move back in sometime in the next fews weeks, I just needed to work on some of my own things first. So, I had begun to stay back at the house more frequently.
Saturday night, he went outside to his garage and began drinking and was cheerful and full of his “ideas”. But somewhere around midnight, I could hear him getting louder and decided it was time for me to go so that he could continue his venting and I could get a good night’s sleep. When I went to say goodnight, he told me to go and this time to not come back. He told me I was to blame for holding him back from his dreams, that I was a failure and that I was dragging him down with me. Yes, it hurt for a moment, but I am strong enough now to realize that his words are weapons to use against me – they are not my reality. I could see the torture inside him and did not want to abandon him, but, I honored his request and left. Every fiber of my being wants to run to him to make it okay again. Am I fooling myself into thinking that I need to go back to help him? How can I leave him at a time when he needs me most? Do you think I am the one making him bipolar?
He has no idea that there is anything wrong with him – althought I suspect he really does know that there is something different in his head. Do I approach him with the idea of bipolar disorder? Do you think this will calm him down or will he flip out and be insulted?
I love him so much but fear that I am kidding myself or becoming delusional myself in thinking that I can be a savior and take care of him and still function normally myself. My family and friends have seen enough and are worried and sick for me that I continue to stand by someone who so disregards my own happiness and has caused so much UNhappiness.
Truly, I am torn……………..I love him so, but fear for my / our future.
Don’t feed the trolls
Hi flo….You sound like a very warm hearted woman from your story…I have been reading many things about bipolar to understand myself more as I suffer that condition..I am an extremely creative man with so many talents yet so haunted by the world,life and a true reality as to what most “normal people ” experience…I can be this surging force of creative thought and intellect and then crush down to hiding under the sheets like a child begging for someone to take care of me….Yes bipolar are wonderful caring people who ingratiate everything with such force but can so easily come down from that strength…and be destructive….I have never hurt anyone with my condition as I just go into a hole and people will call me wondering where I am and how I have been. and most times I will never answer the phone and just hide to try and get better….Yes other bipolars do vent emotion and get angry with loved ones and say bad things as that has never been me…as bipolars are very different….I’m sure your partner does adore and love you but is incapable of true connected emotion when he is going through his personal demons…..yet he would cut off his hand to change things…I always wished I could be with a bipolar woman as I would feel very safe knowing we share so many similar thoughts and angst with ourselves…..That a bipolar would accept me for who I am and love me without judgement …….i hope this helps…Take care and all the very best….
Being the husband of a bipolar wife is the most difficult emotional journey I have ever traveled. I do so Love my darling my Love my wife. We are as I write separated by many thousands of miles. I am in California she in Buenos Aires where I lived with her for 3 years. I wonder about the Savior complex…I mean I have been asked so many times why I put my life in the situation I did and just what was it about my wife that I fell in Love with. Like so many of the posts here I fell in Love with the sweet person the dynamically talented passionate soul that I saw only flashes of during my 3 years in Argentina. I am so sad and equally unfulfilled because that real person only emerged like flashes of lightning in the night sky and disappeared just as quickly. I went to Argentina to close to her and her 8 year old angel of a daughter. I had little difficulty in the decision to set out on a journey abroad to build a family. I was lacking the wisdom I have gained only in the past 3 months of our separation, the understanding of bipolar and how to handle its furry. I in fact went in the boots of a man who profoundly believed that we all have the strength to overcome our emotional demons with the brute force of determination and the support of Love. I was so very very wrong. In my situation I found myself in a role of complete caretaker to my wife having for the entire 3 years the responsibility to carry all the domestic responsibility. I cooked cleaned payed the bills from my savings. I brought my wife her food in bed and took the dishes away after. It was a depression that lasted the entire duration I was with her. It really was the worst possible of circumstances for both of us. She as a bipolar person clearly needs treatment and medication in the appropriate amounts. Instead her Mother a psychologist arranged for her to receive medication delivered to our door from a local pharmacy with no prescription. These included benzodiazapines alprozalam lornazepam and clonaxepam. It was a shotgun approach to keeping her from suicide I believe due to the suicide of her mothers sister and father. I pleaded nicely and not so nicely for it to stop it never did. In the mean time I a person who never took any drugs before found myself also relying on the medications to sleep at night, I was so stressed out yet what a huge mistake to ever take something to help you sleep for a long period of time. The withdrawals have been so hard and I am just now getting clear. I also endured the violence I was punched so many times in my face I had several black eyes glasses thrown at me one hitting me in the head. She is 5′4″ I am 6′4″. No one saw me as a victim. She once called the Police which in Argentina is a dangerous in and of itself. They came to take me from my room where I had gone and often went to escape the struggle. I had guns pointed at me I was taken to a mental hospital where I was interviewed by a team of Psychiatrists who in short order found me not to be the problem and the Police returned me home. I never hit my wife but i am guilty of not controlling my reactions I shouted many times my protests sometimes in vile terms. I feel sorry for that I am human.
Today we are separated I left 3 months ago because I just could not endure and because my savings were nearly depleted. We kept in contact for the first 2 months and after the revelation she was being promiscuous I told her in an attempt to hurt her I too had a woman friend in Buenos Aires. She is just a friend a good friend, I have never been unfaithful to my wife she denies ever being unfaithful to me. I have been in alot of distress for the past 4 weeks almost 5 now, she really freaked out about my friend, called me every name in the book said she was going to tell her daughter then took to many pills and ended up in a hospital. Since she has put up a wall she wont talk about “us” just wont connect with it. She says she is in a tranquil period of her life and I am intruding. I am not sure if the medication abuse continues I know she’s drinking some and is also taking lithium now.
Anyone have some reinforcement for my decision to not divorce to be patient to wait until she cycles through. I want to use my new understanding of bipolar to support her in a treatment program. I feel I can forgive I have forgiven her for past deeds knowing clearly it is he bipolar personality not the real soul I Love. What to do…
I am so hurt inside, I cant sleep very well I have the severe anxiety of a broken heart…yet my Love endures.
Thank you all for helping me to understand I am not alone it is truly amazing how similar these stories are. I am reading all I need to know I did my best I need to know being patient and endure through Love is the right decision.
“She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know.”
yeah. see, if that mentality had kept up with us, I’d be long gone by now.
there’s only so much the S.O. in these situations can – or should be expected to – take.
Sean, get her to a doctor, somehow. Wear her down.
I see so much of myself, as I was, in what you wrote that it makes me want to cry. How I could inflict that on someone else….
With a new baby around, it’s even harder, on both of you. If she’s not getting enough sleep, she’ll be even worse, and you’ll be too tired to stand up to it all.
You’re worth more than that. If she won’t change to be an equal partner, than you do need to put yourself, and your child first.
ugh. How I don’t envy you there. We’ve been there.
Reading Thordora’s post, I didn’t feel quite so alone in how I have acted towards my husband. Reading Sean’s response- I feel almost gut-punched. I’m so sorry Sean, and I’m so sorry to my own spouse. A lot of good has come out of my work in therapy, and realizations I’ve had- but being open with my spouse still takes effort. I didn’t even realize how much I shut him out for so long. I’ve been in therapy for years- and yet only in 2007 did anyone ever say: you have generalized anxiety disorder. And only then did I understand certain ways I’ve acted.
I hope that your wife will get the help she needs so that you two can move forward as a couple.
I think it’s hard knowing that all your partner has to do be free of daily bipolar issues is to just walk away, and you can’t escape it. I guess maybe it’s easier to give them a push out the door if you really believe they’re just going to leave in the end. My ex fiance is bipolar and a couple of years after he had been diagnosed, he started having severe self esteem issues and would rarely leave the apartment. When I left, he would always get upset and worry I was going out to see a secret lover, when in reality I was going to work or class. I never knew what I was going to come home to after work or class.
I guess it took another couple of years for him to completely stop caring about trying to deal with his bipolar and actively attempting to sabotage our relationship. Nothing was ever his fault; it was always the bipolar “making” him do it. There’s not much you can do about someone who refuses to try to deal with their bipolar. You’d have to be a saint to live with someone who knew they had bipolar and refused to even try to work at keeping it at bay.
He was a really nice guy before he let stopped trying. Every once in a while, I’d see the guy he was before the bipolar completely took over and it just made me want to fight harder for him, which made him push me away more. It’s been about 6 years since the breakup, and he’s in pretty much the same place he was then. He’s not happy to be there, but doesn’t seem to care about changing things either. I suspect that would be the same regardless of my presence.
I am a husband on the other side too.
This is a good post.
Sean –
Maybe I should try my hand at writing these feelings out. I read your post and was nodding the entire time. My husband is cycling again. It was a very long night. He drinks so much, he smokes, yet he says he won’t take meds to feel better because he doesn’t want to “put that crap” in his body. I’ve gotten better at handling some of the swings after 13 years of marriage but it NEVER gets easier. It takes a very strong person to not take what they say personally. To not feel as though you’ve been punched in the gut or hit by a truck. He doesn’t really mean the things he is saying. Typically, the next day, he doesn’t even remember half of what he said. I would take pussy anyday. I can’t stand “f’ing bitch”. His favorite phrase: “shut the f up”. God, I’m so sick of it.
We separated for 11 months. I just could not take it any longer. I was really happy for about 9 of those months and then my nice husband started to come back. I took him back in, despite his bi-polar disorder. Regardless of the fact that I knew he could not stay “nice” for long. Now, whenever he cycles I just try to sit back and wait for the storm to pass. I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.
At least your post has made me realize that not everything is my fault. Apparently some of it is yours too.
Sorry. Can’t resist covering my turmoil with a little bad humor.
Hang in there. We are not alone.
oh Gail…..I’m so sorry you have to deal with this-you and Sean and Mogo and all of those who love those of us with bipolar.
But you can’t fix them, and maybe your only answer IS to move on. I was resistant to drugs for a long time until finally I realized I did NEED them. With the support of my husband, I got help and now-we’re happy.
I wish both of you some of that happy.
“I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.”
See, this is why I feel like I shouldnt even bother being a relationship or trying to become a parent. I dont want my partner saying this about me and my disorder.
i’m on the target side.
and i am more than glad and relieved to have read your post…
despite so many words of encouragement from friends and family, i am still not completely convinced that i’m not the guilty one here.
i keep writing in my notebook: ‘give her love…..remember she wants someone to take care of her and be there for her emotionally…..’
i don’t trust her.
STEP1 – get me aroused…
STEP2 – walk away…
STEP3 – the next day tell me she’s not happy because i don’t take care of her…
she calls me an idiot, retarded, stupid…all kinds of stuff.
it hurts my heart physically. i tell her but she doesn’t know it.
I could say or do ONE TINY INSIGNIFICANT thing she doesn’t like, or even say something in jest, and for the next hour or more, she will just go off on me like i destroyed her world.
then she’ll call a friend to pick her up because, she says, ‘you am causing panic attacks in me’.
I am trying to do for me. But because of her constant barrage of to-do lists, I can’t.
I wish I could be more of a man I guess. She says ‘you don’t step up and be the man for me….you don’t get things done…’
for now…i almost know where she’s coming from.
but .. i wonder how long i can live with a partner that is trying to kill me emotionally so that she may feel temporarily relaxed and stisfied with herself.
-mike
Mike – I wish I knew the answer. I did leave. My kids and me lived alone for 9 months and it was calm. Quiet. Relaxed. Drama-free. The “I know he’s not doing this on purpose” only goes so far. Regardless, living without did me no good either. The fact is I love him. It is so difficult to punish the good guy for the bad guys behavior. He did not do well out on his own either. I realize it is not my responsibility to take care of him, but I still want to be there for him. One time, one of the kids asked me if I couldn’t just MAKE him take his medicine. I can’t, it’s not my place. Trust me when I tell you I understand about saying something in jest that is suddenly misconstrued…even though the same statement out of his mouth less than 24 hours prior was perfectly acceptable. I made a conscious decision to let my husband move back in and have tried to change how I REACT to these situations. Unfortunately, I’m human too and cannot always control what I am feeling. Allow yourself to be human Mike.
Bipbab – I don’t know what to tell you. Unfortunately, most people can’t completely ignore bad behavior. I have a bi-polar friend who will not have kids for the same reasons. Maybe you can be lucky enough to find someone who understands, respects and tolerates. Had I been fully aware of the mental status, I’m not so sure I would have made the same decisions. But, then again, I was given an opportunity for an “out” and didn’t take it. And Thordora – sorry, I can’t and won’t move on. That’s about the very last thing any of us need.
Gail-you may then be up for punishment for a very long time. I don’t envy you what’s to come-I’ve been the person walking all over my partner and not caring. And it’s true that “just deal with it-it’s not their fault” doesn’t fix what amounts to abuse.
You love him-it’s obvious. But is it healthy for you or your children?
I’m not saying leaving is the right answer. But you deserve your life back. No one deserves what a bipolar can do.
least of all the bipolar. you are very strong for speaking up.
I take some comfort in reading your messages. Thanks. I’m the girlfriend on the other end of what seems like a continuous roller coaster. And once again, I find myself, wondering how long I can hang on for the ride. How much love and caring is enough? Is it ever enough? I love my boyfriend dearly, but I am so tired. I never know what to expect. I thought once we made it through the last major depressive episode and he got back on lithium last winter that things would stabilize. And, for a while they did. But the anger still comes, and the hurtful words, and the drinking–less often–but it’s still incredibly hard. And, then I feel guilty for wondering if I should just give up. I try each time to stick with it and tell him that I love him and that I’m there for him, but some of the words he fires back sting so badly that I can hardly stand it. And, sometimes in the moment I start to forget that I’m dealing with bipolar and I feel selfish for thinking it would just be so much easier to let him go. At some point, do you just give up? How do you know what to do or say? I never know how he might take even the smallest thing I say or do. I try to tell myself that it will all pass, but I’m only human. At some point don’t you have to also take care of yourself? I’m not expecting anyone to have the answers, but sometimes hearing from others brings me back to reality. Gail–thanks for the line about changing how you REACT. It seems that is probably the key.
‘Switch to radio two’ is the phrase most commonly used in our house in regards to my mum. Living with someone, with Bi-polar is something that you can’t understand unless you have been or are going through it. The physical and emotional abuse that you go through is tremendous, but what also does get to is the affect it has on her, how it must make her feel, now I personally am the type of person that needs to be in control, so having a illness, more to the point mood swings that you cant control, i just wouldn’t know how to cope.
Now my parents have been together 19 long years, 19 years tomorrow in fact. In that time I’ve lost count as to how many times the word ‘divorce’ has been thrown around, if I had £5 for every time my parents argued I’d be a rich girl. Sure every married couple argue, but you know when mum is having abit of a turn she has a look about her, we call it the all emotions look, and we know when she has this look about her she’s edging for a fight, we tread on egg shells until it’s passed.
When I talk about ‘we’ I refer to myself and my dad. We’re an average family to anyone, in the street you’d notice nothing different about us, but what goes on behind closed doors is obviously another matter.
I think what I bring to the table, this blog, is another perspective, the kids, of those affected by Bi-Polar. I’m a 17 year old girl. I have been called all the names under the sun. From b**ch, to references of regret of my existence. Hearing your mum tell you with a look of hatred in her eyes that she wished she’d never had you, is truly something that I will never get over.
I feel for her, i know she loves me more than anything in this world. And when she’s not ill i have my mum, the sweet, intelligent and kind lady, that likes to bake and likes gardening. But as soon as she turns ill, I try my best to switch off. However much she makes me cry makes me angry, that she could even consider thinking some of the things she comes out with.
At the end of the day, she is still my mum, and that’s what I’m thinking every time she says something hurtful.
That’s how I cope each day. That person will still be your mother, father, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. How you deal with it is entirely up to you.
There you go Laura, it’s about how you deal with it. How you “react”.
I’m so sorry Marta. There is no good answer or fair solution. I left. It didn’t work. It takes a very strong person to live with a bi-polar. If you do not think you can take it, then don’t. Go out and live your life. I tried, but unfortunately was too attached. I’ll never leave my husband over this illness. I feel a lot worse for him than I do for me.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I’m just riding this cycle out. I’ll have to say I must have been incredibly exhausted the other night because that’s really the first time I’ve ever thought of giving up. What’s the hardest thing for me is that it isn’t me that leaves, it’s him. It’s the same story every six months or so, “I can’t love you. I don’t know how. I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone.” And then he’s gone. Sometimes for a few days. Sometimes for a week. And I’ve always been there when he returns. I, too, have a really hard time imagining leaving him just because he has an illness. God, I certainly hope no one would leave me for that reason. And I truly thing it tortures him on some level when he is trying so hard to slow his mind down and figure out what is going on. I’m so afraid that sometime he is going to leave and that will be that. But, then I guess I’ll deal with that if it happens. It’s so hard to wish that by loving someone and caring for someone that it can fix it. Because I know on some level; that isn’t true. But I have to tell myself and believe that by being there–no matter what–I’m at least making it a little better.
Hi all,
I’m not bi-polar alltogether but am ADHD, and as an effect of that become really similar to bi-polar in some of my behaviors, sometimes. II mess things up, I read people wrong, I get paranoid, worried and all sorts of confusing feelings at once sometimes. Easily disturbed and overwhelmed, and can get incredible angry and enourmously dark/depressed (big black hole) as well as frantic and really hyper. (etc…)
It has made it really difficult to manage relationships due to this, for me. Damn, its hard to understand and manage even myself. Self control and such, is very very hard. I’m 27 years old, and have had this problem all my life. But it was first this summer I was given understanding of my ADHD, didnt know what it was that I “had” before. Just that I was different, and had so much more struggles with “simple” things than people around me. But now when Ive started to learn what ways I differ. I am so thankful to have found your discussion here, it has given me “new clues” about what a bitch I can be, about how different it appears to those who has to receive it than from how it feels inside of me.
Somehow, when I’m bad, and deep inside know I’m behaving bad, it’s as if I know that I don’t really mean all those bad words and thoughts, but cant help that they come out, becasue it “seems” right to say it in the moment. It seems so “true”, only – it isn’t. Its me being paranoid, getting things wrong, and simple having a mood swing, coloring the world (and people) in darker colors than it/they deserves. I get over those moments really fast, and get back to my normal fun, simple ways. Then I see the people and the world as “normal” colors again.
What I really want to thank you all here for, is my new understanding about how my beloved ones feel when I behave like this. (everything gets focused on me so often and Im sick of it myself, I dont mean to be a drama-queen in the family, simply hate it but so far havent ben able to help it).
The thing is, I guess I’ve always thought that others also understand deep inside that I dont really mean those things when I say bad things or act out – or as I also do, withdraw completely from everyone. I thought they could know that its just my head running wild sometimes, messing things up. I get so scared and confused those times, my head is so busy with the inner chaos that my body dont know how to act.
But I realize just now that they dont know. They really really dont. And that feels good, I can see myself in another way. From the outside view. I have never understood, really, how incredible hard it must be to be the “respondant” of that behavior. How confused my earlier boyfriends must have been, since my ways changes so fast. Walking on egg chells, really, as you said earlier. I am also feeling that shame and hopelessness mentioned, about settling down, starting a family. I’m sort of scared by my own ways. I try to be good all the time, but sometimes I just become someone else. Like turning into a wolf in the moonlight, almost…
So all the bad behavior…It doesnt only scare the people around me, it scares me too, because inside of it all, there is a really little and lonely girl, in really deep need of trust and love. And I’m such a caring person when good, so I dont want to create drama and sadness for people around me. So I am holding of any thoughts of family, until I get more control over my own ways.
But as I said, sites like this one, really helps to se oneself from an outside view. Really good. Thanks to you all!
The storm has passed at my house. For now. We always know that a new one will be brewing on the horizon. But, for now, he is back to being my husband. Loving, considerate, and sorry for the things he has said. God, it is so gut wrenching sometimes. Again, I feel so much worse for my husband. He is the one with the dark clouds in his head and I can’t imagine the fear and confusion. Stay strong people!
Apparently, many of us have gotten quite good at weathering the storms. I think we’re all so much stronger than we realize. It’s damn difficult loving someone who is bipolar, but I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the one who has to live in my head with all of those torturous and confusing thoughts. So, I guess we just have to be grateful for all of those post-storm moments that can feel so great. And, yes, keep ourselves geared up for the pre-storm and the storm itself–both of which we know will come again. Thanks for reminding me that this is just the moment (or day or week or whatever) and that it will pass.
Wow……I am so thankful that I stumbled across this blog. I am trying to learn all I can about people who are bipolar because I think I may possibly be developing very strong feelings for a boy who has it. The questions I keep asking myself now, however, are “Do I back out before it’s too late?” “Is there someone better out there for me who won’t hurt me like this?” “Do I DESERVE better?”……..The sad thing is, I have never known a boy who makes my heart beat so fast, or who writes as beautiful words……or who just seems so…..alone….yet doesn’t want to be alone. I have only known him for a few months, and we haven’t really been “dating”…. yet. I just don’t know…..he seems to smoke pot alot, and I never have…..and I am wondering…..HOW DOES POT EFFECT PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER? I have heard so many different things…..some say it actually counter-acts some of the mood swings…….I don’t know. Does anyone have information on that? ……………….I am still figuring things out. But I am definately thankful for all these posts and knowing that sometimes the mean things he says aren’t always directed at ME, but they are part of bipolar. It’s sad……but also…………………….strangely beautiful at times. Stay strong. <3
Vicky-I used to smoke a fair bit of weed. And do a lot of LSD.
It’s called self medicating. It never helped me-I pretended that it did, and I had a shit load of fun, but it didn’t make me better or different in any way that I intended.
He likely seems very interesting. From what I’ve noticed, we can be very charismatic us bipolars, flirty and fun and mysterious in all the right ways. We seem arty and interesting and smart.
IF you think this boy is someone you want to pursue, know this. He will be work. If he is bipolar, and is undiagnosed, untreated, he will only be the sweet boy some of the time. Other times, he might not be so sweet. He is two people. One person is awesome, and you wish he’d stay forever. The other-mean, vengeful, full of rage and fear.
I can’t tell you to stay or go. But get educated. There’s a blog on my blogrolly poly oly -salted lithium. Gabriel has many great things to say about bipolar, and I urge you to read his site as well.
We’re many things as bipolar. We are good people, but sometimes, we’re lost. The people who are strong for us make a huge difference in our lives. So you need to decide if you’re willing to be that person if need be.
Thordora – where can I find yours or Gabriel’s site?
Wel…you’re kinda on mine….and Gabe-just search for Salted Lithium and you’ll find him.
Thanks for your reply, yes, he definately is very interesting and attractive….most of the time……but sometimes he just seems to push everyone away.
He doesn’t talk about his condition often, and I have not pushed it. One of the first times we talked he said “I have issues. Many issues.” and I said “Well, everyone does.” and he said, “but not like me.” and then he told me about being bipolar…..I believe he HAS been diagnosed and is taking medication for it, but I don’t know for sure, and don’t really know how to bring it up again haha….
I guess we’ll just see how it goes. I will check the blog out that you mentioned….thanks. I’ll keep you updated if our relationship goes anywhere….I am sure if it does, this will not be the first time I will need advice.
Thanks again.
maybe some of you can shed some light. i am married and have been having an affair with a woman for five years now.
at first everything was great, meaning the first few years. i actually should have treated her better. we became best friends and lovers. after a few years, my feelings became really strong for her. something she had always wanted from me. she finally got what she wanted. then things began to go down. i always noticed from the start that the highs and lows with this woman were like nothing else. i always thought it was because i was still married. a little background on her. her ex commited suicide and first husband is in jail.
now me being married and not leaving is not an easy thing. but what i am trying to find out is if she is really bi polar or just her emotions cause i have not left my situation. she has broken up with me 12 times in the last year. she can go from very happy to very agitated within minutes sometimes. it seems everytime something good happens to her, she rejects it or wants something bad.. she has a low self esteem, does not have friends, is always looking in mirrors,and our sex life is nothing what it use to be. she used to when we would fight or previous times in her life, stay in her room for days, and be depressed.
it is like she wants to pull me in…then push me away. i cant explain it any better….i notice she gets very irritated in life period, and i am someone she can take it out on. like she wants to punish me for her past…..
it is like every month or so i can expect an episode and they seem more frequent now. it is like i hang on for the addictive moments when she is on her high, cause that is the best. but now those times are less than they used to be…she also can be very destructive sometimes with gambling….
any advice out there? i know my situation might be different since i am married. however, i get the feeling even if i was not married she would be the same with these mood swings, etc, etc. please comment…..
Vicky–Good luck, I guess that’s about all the advice I have. I met the guy I’m dating several years ago and it was absolutely wonderful when we first met. What I didn’t know at the time–at least for a few months–was that he was in a manic state. So, of course, life was great! He was up, funny, loving, caring, charismatic–all those things that come along with bipolars being in a manic state. He was, however, very open about being bipolar when we first met. What I didn’t know was enough about the “ups” and “downs” of being bipolar. But, I soon found out–and I read everything I could get my hands on. Within about six months of knowing each other, he was on the downswing and headed for the worst depressive state he says he’s ever been in. It was devastating and frankly, I wasn’t sure I could take it. But, I stuck with him; he got back on lithium; and we weathered that six month storm. I love this guy alot, but let me tell you–it has been an incredibly hard, painful roller coaster ride since the beginning and sometimes I really felt I couldn’t make it through. You’ll have to ask yourself all of those questions: is it worth it? Do I cut my losses before I get too far into it? Even if his behaviors are because he’s bipolar, what is it doing to me? Does this border on being abusive? Am I strong enough to make it through the cycles? Only you can decide that. It’s a big decision; and often times, a painful one. You have to really be in tune with yourself to be able to handle it. You have to learn not to take things personally and sometimes you nearly need to be a saint. Good luck with your decision–and if you decide to stay with him or pursue the relationship with him–have no doubt–it will be incredibly hard. Believe me–it’s only the love for this guy that makes me stay. But I have had to learn to really take care of myself and often times turn a blind eye to what is being said and done. Gail’s suggestion to learn how to NOT REACT is frankly the only thing that is working for me. Again, good luck.
Married guy…if she is going through swings it could be because of your marital situation. You should do her a favor…poop or get off the pot. I feel sorry for her.
Vicky – my husband self-medicates with pot constantly. Frankly, I like him better. Smooths out the edges so to speak.
I just want to thank everyone for the input. I’m sitting here struggling with what to do about my boyfriend. He is bipolar and has ADHD. He does take his meds and goes to the doctor once a week but the anger he has and the words that fly out of his mouth are still very much there even with the help. I walk on egg-shells all the time. I don’t even know who i am anymore. He has changed everything about me. I’m affraid to buy anything or go anywhere or meet new people (friends) because it “sets him off.” I do know i love him very much and i know what a great person he is on the inside and if it wasn’t for this damn illness he would be the most perfect man in the world. He smokes weed and loves his alcohol too. When he’s high, he is so calm and loving and can’t get enough of me but when he comes down off his high, i’m a peice of crap, whore, stupid, worthless and can do nothing right. I keep trying to put this out of my head and tell myself this isn’t him it’s the illness but i can’t help but fantasize about moving on and finding a man who always treats me that way. I know that is selfish on my behalf and I would never do it because i love him so much and it’s not his fault but it is a thought.
It’s been 3 years of living this way, i guess i will continue until i just cant continue anymore.
Gail, your story really touches me. That is true love.
Alot of these stories are really touching.
I know it’s probably going to hurt like hell at times, but life is short. Why would I give up something like THIS? *sigh* Just felt like sharing. 
I am 20 by the way…and I have been thinking alot about this boy lately, and I can tell he likes me as well. But there are just so many, as you guys have said “storms” inside his head. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him.
As I said before, no one makes my heart beat as fast. There is no one I get more excited about seeing. It’s like being unable to breathe. It’s wonderful. It’s electric. Sometimes I can also see that he is really excited to see me too, and it’s adorable and WONDERFUL. The last guy I went out with before this, was not bipolar. He was “stable” and “reliable” and didn’t have mood swings. But HE WAS BORING! And he never even gave me butterflies in my stomach once. I was thinking about it earlier today at work and was writing in my journal. I thought “Do I want someone who I can walk calmly, steadily along with? Or do I want someone who will take my heart to the highest of mountain tops…even if I may plunge into the sea without warning?” I would definately choose the second.
Oh Vicky, please be careful. Turmoil is so exciting sometimes but eventually it begins to ear on you. I always liked the “bad boy” too.
Bad boy lover here too. But, like Gail says, be careful. When he says, “I have issues,” he may be trying to tell you that he can’t give you what you’ll need in a relationship. And, if that’s the case, it’s much worse for him than it will be for you as he tries and fails over and over again. Those manic phases can be wonderful, but the lows are just that–low. And it can take everything out of you. As Gail says, be careful.
Thanks, I will. Perhaps it will lead to nothing anyway. We’ll see.
I have read everyones story and just cried. I am, or was dating a wonderful man who has bipolar and is ADHD. For the first 2 years of our relationship everything was great. We had some ups and downs but nothing we couldn’t handle. Then all of a sudden it changed and he became controlling. I couldn’t do anything without asking his permission. I have never had to ask for permission for anything. I am a very independant woman that can take care of myself. Well, I know now that he isn’t working due to his illness, he has extra stresses. I have been there for him as much as i could. I have helped him financially as well as emotionally. I have been there to listen to all his problems, to comfort him when family has past over (twice). I have been by his side crying with him during these times. He told me nobody has ever done that before. He said my heart was really with him and that meant alot to him and to me. I am a very kind and sensitive person. I love this man with everything in me. I hate the fighting, the name calling, the anger, but when that all passes he is a wonderful, funny, loving, caring, sometimes sensitive
man! He stole my heart! When he is manic he feels i don’t love him or respect him and that is so far from the truth. I do get attitudes (bitchy) when he calls me names or tries to control me so i know i throw back at him, but i still love him and don’t want to lose him. For the last 4 months the fighting has not let up. He said we needed a break from each other for things to calm down, that lasted 4 days and we were missing each other so much we stopped the break. He just found out his disability has ended and he has no money coming in. The stress from that and not having his meds brought anger out again towards me. I went and purchased his meds for him and took them to him and offered to buy food for his house for him and his kids. I told him i phoned SSI Disability and started the application for him. I let him know they said it could be 4-6 months before hearing anything. I told him not to worry, i would help until then. I said SSI said the only other option he has is to go on welfare until it kicks in. He thought i was telling him to go on welfare so he blew up at me and i was a piece of shit. When he got his meds from me he apologized and said that he was highly stressed and misunderstood me. I can’t jsut drop the name calling. I told him ok but he could tell i was upset. Later he phones to tell me he was going to pick up my nephew for the day. I told him i already made plans to take him to a friends house so they could play. He again flew off the handle and said “you are fucking rediculous! Without asking me first! Where is your respect for me?” He is the father figure in my nephews life. He is the reason that i have my nephew with me. He loves him like he is his own son. He says i should have made sure he didn’t want him before i made plans. My thinking was that i had him with me, my boyfriend wasnt talking to me, and it was 7p.m. and i had just made the plans 30 mins. prior. I regret not asking because now he has broken up with me. Many things have been going wrong latley but we both wanted to fix them. He is now telling me i have multi personalities and i need help. I don’t, i just love this man so much that when he’s up, i’m up, when he’s down, i’m down. I don’t know how to get him back or make him see that i do love him very much and he is reading things all wrong. I’m hurting so bad right now and am having a hard time getting up for work. Can somebody please help me? Please if all you can say is i’m better off, stay away from him…that won’t help me. It will just hurt me more.
I know i have some issues that need working out and i will be starting my doctors appts. this week…but i feel alot of this isn’t me but i’m taking the blame and saying sorry so i don’t lose him. PLEASE HELP ME!
Patty – do not blame yourself, you are doing what you can with a bad situation. It sounds as though he is actually convincing you that you are doing something wrong. Misery loves company so don’t buy in. From your post I gather that you do not live together and that is a good thing. I know first hand how difficult it is to not react to the things that they are saying…we are only human too and are allowed to feel insulted or hurt by words. That’s the first thing you need to do is to tell yourself it’s okay that your feelings got hurt. Don’t try to convince him, that won’t work. Be true to yourself. Take care of you. When he comes to you or when he needs you, be there for him. Children do what you do not what you say and when they get like this the behavior is really quite child like. Lead by example. I have told my husband that he can call me every name in the book but that he will NEVER convince me that those things are true. If you maintain consistent behavior in response to his he will calm down eventually. I feel bad for you. I feel really bad for him. I just can’t imagine having to live with those racing thoughts. It’s hard enough watching someone have racing thoughts let alone to actually have them in your head. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG and this guy is really lucky to have you. If you need medical help for anything maybe it would be for the depression that results from being on the receiving end of this crap but don’t convince yourself that you are doing something to create these mood swings. You are probably the reason he has not swung even farther. Good luck, I check back to this thread daily.
Wow it is refreshing to finally see a site with some intelligent dialogue and genuine help and concern. I too am a partner of a person suffering with Bipolar disorder and am so tired of reading peoples advice to run for the hills. That is not the answer. Yes times are tough even in the manic phases of the illness, and the depressions are really bad. Not wanting to leave your loved one alone for 10 seconds in fear that they are going to try to end their life and in the manic times knowing that they are chasing rainbows and either going to spend way too much money, cheat or do something equily as careless and not for one second take your feelings in to account. I always try to remember that my partner is not trying to hurt me and does not have a sense of reasoning in those times. I think one of the hardest things is to tell your self “it is not your fault” and actually believe it. It is human nature to blame yourself when something happens in your relationship that is unexpected or tramatic. But for me the answer was never to run. I love my partner with all of my being and in all the times of pain I have suffered as a result of this illness I try to keep in mind that my partner is suffering in a more extreme way than I am. It has surprised me how many posts I have read that the answer to the support and understanding we are all looking for as partners of people with this disorder is to leave our loved one, to abandon ship, to drop them like a worthless sack of potatoes. When we all know that there is some reason we are here. Some reason we care and endure, even when it hurts. There is the person under the disorder that we love and respect and have genuine feelings for. We long to see more of that person but cherish the moments we do get to share with that person. I have come to the conclusion that my partner is worth the fight. And I hope that if the tables were turned that my partner would be there for me the same way I am. That if I were sick my partner would try to understand and empathise, and not throw me away like I was not worth the effort. I would say however to Vivki, that this illness is no joke. It is far from a walk in the park. There are times of pain that are indescribable and this forum or any other could not express what the partners of bipolar people endure. I am not in anyway saying you shouldnt persue a relationship with the guy you like, I am just saying that if you are persuing it because he is not stable and its exciting like a rollercoater ride, and not because you have genuine feelings then be prepared. Just like a rollercoaster ride it starts off exciting but after you have been around it for years and years it stops being fun and you can start to feel sick. Having said that Bipolar people can be the most wonderful people deep down and in my case is worth the rollercoaster ride, but this comes after years and years of love and respect with a diagnosis only 3 years old and 7 years of absolute pleasure predating the diagnosis I have invested much time and energy in my relationship with my partner. To everyone else Thank you so much for posting it is nice to hear that you all have similar experiences and levels of love and respect for your loved ones that I have for mine. Like I said before it helps to read other peoples stories and draw on all of eachothers experiences for support, and for the answer to be anything other than to run away. It is worth more than words can describe.
Loving someone is hard enough; loving someone who may not be able to love you back in the manner you need can be truly devastating. I have a hard time imagining walking away, but I do try to remember that I have to take care of myself. That if I don’t do that; I’m no good to anyone. I can take quite alot, and I’d like to believe that I’d never leave just because someone has an illness. I struggle–ALOT. Frankly, my partner is flying solo in a lot of ways; he has no choice. When he’s spinning; it’s about him–not about me; not about our relationship. And, no matter how much I do, I know there’s no stopping the spinning. So, waiting it out usually seems to be the answer. But after a couple of years of this, I’ll admit–I’m tired; I’m sad; I’m lonely; and sometimes I often question my own need for staying in this relationship. For now, I’m just sitting tight–hardest thing I’ve ever done–and I’ve done it over and over. I feel for everyone in this same position and I feel even more for those struggling with the torturous thoughts that can come with being bipolar. I do know one thing–even if this relationship doesn’t work; I hope I can continue being his friend. Not an easy thing to do by any means when you love someone. Sometimes life deals us a hand that is hard to hold. I just want to try to stay clear–clear about him; clear about who I am; clear about what he needs; and hopefully clear about what I need. This is painful…..
hello Marta,I have been married for forty years,my husband has bipolar and i am worn out from this illness,i should have walked out long ago,but after all this time its difficult,and yes we must try and look after ourseleves,because thay sure wont look after us,Just be strong and battle on dear,what else can we do x
Gail,
He’s coming down off an episode so he was caring and very loving. I don’t know how long this one will last but it’s so great to have some love time right now while trying to deal with it all. I know the things that have been said and done still are very fresh and still hurt me deeply and in his eyes, it’s long over or he doesn’t remember what has happend.
Thank you so much for your words. This is very hard. This weekend we were trying to get along…it worked.
Your words mean so very much to me. I have much more to say but he is here now and wants my attention. I want to talk with you more.
I think one of the most difficult thing in relationships with bipolar people is creating boundaries that are fair for you. I am still not there yet, but working on it. I have in the past tried to blame all the decisions my partner has made that have hurt me on the illness, but am coming to reolize that dispite the illness my partner has to learn to take me and my feelings into consideration. This is where theropy comes in. it is not good enough to crush me and then go talk to a theropist about it later and tell that person how bad you feel about it. But in order to get to that place the bipolar person has to learn the tools to communicate properly and how to effectivly interperet and defuse the situation themselves. Bipolar disorder is not entirly effective with just medication it has to go hand in hand with theropy. They have to be able to challenge those racing thoughts and ideas and analize their desires to be distructive. It is a long hard process for everyone involved.
Patty, I know that creating an environment of positive communication is very difficult and in the “hot” moments isnt the time. I would say when the abusive words are spilling out of him to walk away from the situation, let him take it out in whatever manner he has to without making you a part of it. When the episode is over and he is in a more stable place (I know the instinct is to just enjoy it and to try not to rock the boat) you can start that conversation and tell him how his words/actions effect you. He has to know, perhaps in time if he knows he will recognize those moments and he will be the one to walk away from them and come back to you when they have passed. I am not suggesting that you pick a fight about it just calmly say I would like to talk about how you made me feel during your last episode. Creating a give and take relationship with a bipolar person is very hard work, but you have to be attentive to your feelings and your spouse has to be aware of them too. Perhaps by planting that seed in the stable moments in time will reduse the amount of abusive occurances. Right now as you said it is long over for him and in his eyes he doesnt even remember so its up to you to remind him and make him aware of how you feel about it. Maybe during the next episode that seed will have grown a little bit and he can remember that he hurts you in these moments. I am not sure if this will help at all I struggle with this too and have not come to a place of full understanding with my partner either. Bipolar people in those times are the most egocentric people there are, and nothing matters but themselves. However I know that deep down hidden under all the racing thoughts and impulsive decisions there is a place that loves and respects me and doesnt want to hurt me, I am hopeful that in time with a lot of theropy, medication and love and patience that that place will grow in strength and fight back against the illness. Good luck, I hope things start to stble out for him so they can start stabeling for you too.
Ya know, I hear you Jenn, walk away and bring it up when the time is right, thing is, when is the time right? Everytime I bring up my feelings, I hear, you have impeccable timing, now’s not a good time. Today was a bad day, thing is, just about everyday is a bad day, every moment is a bad time. And when you bring up your feelings, you’re accused of being selfish, without understanding, etc. The list goes on…
…when is enough enough…how can the ups and downs ever be gratifying??? or having to adjust yourself to deal with someones constant up and downs, never knowing what to expect! How is that any type of life to live? Let’s bottom line it, when is the non bipolars spouse feelings ever addressed. All i hear is, you have to learn to deal and adjust and defuse. Where is the accountability for the bipolar person? I’m guessing there is none!
Thanks Jenn for your thoughts on boundaries and the need for therapy. My partner takes his meds as he should but doesn’t see the need for therapy. He spends most of his time thinking he can figure things out himself; reads a ton of self help books; thinks his friends or family will give him the answers; and unfortunately thinks of me as his therapist. More unfortunate, is that for a very long time I let him do this. And that is where I totally agree with you that if you are going to be with someone who is bipolar, YOU need to set boundaries. They are rarely capabable of setting the boundaries that need to be there. And, meds are never enough. The racing thoughts still continue and when your thoughts are racing it is absolutely ridiculous to think that you will be able to figure things out. So, I’m dealing with yet another cycle of my partner saying that he needs to figure things out; that he can’t figure it out in a relationship; that he wants to be able to talk to me but not see me; that he doesn’t know what love is; that he would like to care for me but can’t; that he needs to read some more books; talk to some more friends; and on and on and on. And sadly enough, after years of hearing this same thing, I think I may have reached the point where I have finally figured out that I need to set the boundaries. So, I made the decision to tell him that, “no, I can’t be your therapist” and that “regardless of how much empathy I have for you and how much I know it must be difficult to be so confused and so badly wishing to figure things out” that “I can’t be hurt like this anymore.” His answer was, “okay, I understand that, so I guess that’s it.” And so I sit here feeling very sad and alone but know I did the right thing. And I am trying desperately not to think about whether he will call and say he wants to try again, as he has sooooooooo many times before. I love him dearly, but I have finally reached the point where I have to take care of myself. I have to remember that even though he may not mean what he says or does, that on some level he is responsible for his words and his actions. Without therapy I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to handle the relationship whether he want to or not. I wish everyone luck who’s in this situation; and I hope for everyone who is bipolar that they take their meds, they get the therapy they need, and they give themselves every chance to get through life with a little less chaos.
For about a year my partner was perscribed an anti depressant from the family doctor, who assumed she was suffering from depression (because of family history) The meds didnt work and after a few different meds and a pretty major crash we wound up at the emergency phycology department of our local hospital. This in the long run was a god send they were able to connect us with a local mood disorder clinic and start my partner on both the meds and theropy she so desperatley needed. For people with bipolar disorder they need an outside voice of reason, someone who is not involved in situations and without a personal connection to help them learn the tools that will enable them in the future to work these things out on their own. Mood disorder clinics are great they connect people with others who suffer the same way give them an outlet to talk to people who can truly understand what they are going through. There are things that go through a bipolar persons mind that they just cant share with their partners (often for their partners own good) they need someone to confide in and who has some professional training on how to deal with certain thoughts and impulses.
If my partner was not in theropy I dont know that I would still be here, I hold on to some hope that she is trying to get the help she needs and is working on learning the tools to deal with this illness. I love my partner deeply and unconditionally, but like the rest of you it has been so hard. I have been lied to, sneaked around on, cheated on made to feel bad about myself and the list goes on, but I know she is trying. She is going to her theropist once a week and her groups once a week as well, she is home doing her homework from the groups and as I see it making an effort to make sence of all that has gone on so those behaviours can be changed. My partner has said to me a number of times that she would understand if I desided to go, in fact she cant really understand why I am still here. I am still here because I love her and I still have fight in me. I want us to work we have 10 years of history together and most of it was amazing. I am still working on the boundaries and getting those through to my partner. So the beat goes on. I wish you luck Marta I know what you have just done is very difficult and painful. Hopefully it will encourage your partner to get the help he needs and work toward getting better. hang in there.
Jenn is absolutely right. My husband told me for years he thought bipolar, and I wouldn’t hear it. It wasn’t until things got really bad and I finally went to see someone that I was able to accept it.
It feels like we’re being judged when you say it, that’s all.
Sometimes I wonder why mine sticks around too. Your partner sounds like a lucky girl.
I love my partner very much Thordora and although I have been very patient and tried to be understanding and have suffered right along with my partner I know she loves me too and I know that she would never hurt me on purpose. She had to do what she had to do for herself, she cant do anything for me it has to all be for herself and we as humans have to get past expecting others to do things to make us happy we have to do for ourselves first.
It is hard to put your ego aside and admit you need help but when you get to that point things can only get better from there.
I feel the need to further explain my position above on making ones self happy. It is something I have been working on for a long time. like most others I was raised in an environment that taught me that to be happy you have to have others. I was given countless memories that supported the idea that others held your happiness in their hands, happy, shreaking, loving examples of others creating happiness. Rings, flowers, gifts and romantic gestures met with smiles, happy tears and excitement. On the flip side of that in the times that those gestures were absent the mood was discontent, arguments and lack of happy feelings. You dont think of me anymore, you dont care, you dont love me. All because the flowers and cards and consistant romantic gestures had stopped flowing. It is a lifetime of learning. Our parents, families and role models setting the example of how to be happy. And forward into my adult life these ideals came with me. When I got with my partner that idea of happiness was rolling along full speed ahead. Because we are both women we believed that those romantic gestures would never end. The loving notes left for no reason, the countless bouquets of flowers just because “I was thinking of you” Both being women we “understood” the others need to have those reminders. As the years have passed just like everyone else we have come to a place where those gestures have all but ceased. It is simply not necessary now. And that old “understanding” has transformed into a new understanding. My partner has spent her entire life working hard at making others happy and has neglected to make herself happy. that in part has been involved in her origional breakdown. When does one put everyone else aside and work on making themselves happy? This is not to say that for a long time I was not rather upset about this turn in events, it took much time and effort to understand and embrace. Like her I spend much of my time trying to please other people and frankly it leaves me exhaused and unhappy myself. In order to be with her today I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not in control of her actions, moods or behaviours just as she is not in control of mine. Nor are either of us responsible for eachothers happiness. Thus she needs to do what it takes for her to be happy and likewise I have to do what I have to do to make myself happy. Life with that understanding at first is very painful, like a burning coal in your gut. It comes with arguments and tears and trust issues. We are now working past that and working on embrasing eachother again for our differences. The fact remains her trouth is much different from mine and although we may discuss and analize and empathise with eachothers trouths neither of us can ever fully understand eachother’s. Love comes in so many forms and endures so much. But as Kahlil Gibran says your “joy is your sorrow unmasked”. To keep in mind that love and years always evolve and change. To embrace that change and evolution with an open mind and an open heart, with unconditional love is to truly be happy.
We bipolars should never marry, never know love, never know physical intimacy, and never have friends or children, for we will surely disappoint them and, at times, emotionally wound them.
I had my two children before my diagnosis. Had I known of my illness earlier, I would not have become a parent. I am above-average for a Bipolar parent, yes, but still woefully lacking.
Once my son is an adult, I pray God will mercifully allow me to die.
Oh Brit It pains me to hear you say such things. Bipolar people deserve love and intimacy, friends and family, the thing to try and remember is we are all human, and to err is human, we will all disapoint and emotionally wound eachother it is part of the growing process.
I can not stress enough to please seek help both medically and emotionally, as a spouse of a bipolar person I can tell you that I have seen great improvements in my partner since she has embrased both her illness and the meds she will have to take to help control it and the theropy which is teaching her the tools to deal with this illness. I guarantee you that your son loves you very much and would be very hurt to see you go. Even after he is an adult. I love my partner very much and despite all of the heartache and frusterations that come with having to deal with such an illness, I wouldn’t change her for the world. I love and accept her for exactly who she is. And your loved ones I am sure feel the same for you. The learning and healing process are long and difficult but you can regain your life back. Stay strong and be patient and forgiving of yourself.
Britt, you are a worthwhile person and your words are so sad. Jenn, wow, you have been dealing almost as long as me. My husband and I celebrate 13 years of marriage in April. I have more to say but am going home for the evening. I will be back on Monday. Hang in there everyone!
Here’s my thing…the love I feel is with the woman who’s “in between” the highs and lows. On one hand, they’re kindness and compassion consumes me. They’re outrageous intelligence draws me to them. Because I was a bullsh-it artist for so many years, I buy into theirs. My last girlfriend bit my tongue HARD three times the first time we really kissed…and I knew why, so put up with the swollen tongue until she “came around.” The lingerie she “bought for me” stays under t-shirts and jeans. The fact that she lives vicariously though others and says mean things to me is so incredibly interesting to me that I stay in and watch “Friends” with her…and wallow in her watching others have intimacy, while she can’t…The woman I love for real at least takes her prozac, and goes to therapy but power trips me by taking advantage of my TRUE kindness.
Who is the one who needs help here? why do I take it?
Wow haha, so funny to read the biting of teh tongue. I too had that issue with my ex. She usually did it to my lower lip though and would add a slight chilling laugh. I always thought wow , what the hell was that. And your right, now it makes sense. Almost everything you said is so true. The talk of the things to come and the oufits, but then something changes and they sit in the drawer. But at that point do you care? or are you just glad she is “back”.
Reading these posts explain everything. Some days things will be great then I won’t hear from her for a few days for no reason. I always thought it was my fault she’d be in these moods because she’d blame me for the way she feels. When she’d like that it seems that she just wants to be alone and have nothing to do with me. She will start calling me self centered if I want to see her. I’ve done many selfless and thoughtful things and she is happy most of the time, but when she gets in this bad, distant mood, nothing really matters, she just wants to sit home alone and watch tv or surf the interenet. I shouldn’t have to keep a list of thoughtful things I’ve done for her. How can she not remember all the nice things I do? How can she call me self centered? Someone like me wants to be with her all the time and there have been times she’d not want me to go home because she’d miss me, but thats when she’d be in a good mood. I realize everyone needs personal space but not seeing her for days? It just doesn’t make sense to me. She wont even admit there’s a problem. I just ask “what’s wrong.” and she says “nothing.” Then I asked her why she’s acting that way and she says “I dont know.” The more I try to get her to open up, the more she insults me and tells me how unhappy she is in the relationship. She’ll say things like “I’ve always felt this way about us.” But a day earlier everything was fine. Most of the time she’s happy but then she’ll go into her episode and things have to be put on hold until she works her way back to feeling better. Last night she was in this bad mood again. We’re dating so we don’t live together yet. We both got out of work at 5 and we usually have dinner together. So I called her and asked her and she said she just didn’t want to see me, for no reason. Then stupid me (I should know better by now) pushed to see her because I haven’t seen her since sunday and we got into this talk about how she’s unhappy with me when it has nothing to do with me. She’s acting this way on her own. So I said she’s the best thing in my life and every day has gotten better since I met her. And she called me self centered! Yea I guess a self centered guy would take days off from work to bring her to the doctors. I am a logical and simple guy so this kinda gets too much to handle sometimes. The secureness most days then the insecure feeling. She tells me I need to be more outgoing and confident with her. It’s pretty difficult to be outgoing and confident when she goes from being loving, caring and happy to not wanting anything to do with me.
Reading this sounds like exactly what I dealt with. Especially the part about the day before it seemed fine, and the next she is unhappy and “always felt this way” the whole time. And suddenly there have been nothing but bad moments, and all those things you did for them or have been there for are forgotten COMPLETELY.
I still cycle through that-exactly that, and it’s unfair and horrible and only now am I able to step back and eventually say “you know, the problem is X, not you-I’m taking it out on you, and I’m sorry”
It’s taken a LONG time to get even there, and it’s still not perfect.
The scary part is how, in our heads, it all seems so perfectly normal, teh crazy…
What I have learned is to always expect she will be in a bad mood so at least I can be ready for it, so when she is in a good mood it will be nice.
I was engaged to a women with bi polar – one day she love me the next day she did not she kept pushing and pulling me. Eventually she told me she did not love me the engagement was finished we where finsihed and tahat we could be friends but it was up to me after all the horrible things I put her through. I tried to keep i contact I even had got her to see a therapist and get some councilling while we where together. I was ringing all the time finally fo the last few months I have not rung and I have heard nothnig from her. I am hurt after all we went through that she cannot even call .Its just this partern of isolatiing herself which she has always done. If I ring I do not knowwhat mood she will be in and often I am mad feel like a irritant merely by asking how she is. Its been one lousy experience ven though I still love and care deeply for my ex finance
i live with my partner who i think maybe is bipolar. he has such mood swings… i tread on eggshells all the time not ever knowing when he will blow. this morning he took off with a bag and told me that he needed a break away for a few days. i have to now sit here and wait for him to return. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up. i love him dearly and when he is having an ok day it is wonderful. but the dark days always come and he is pure hell to live with. the name calling and the putting down eventually wears you down and you think to yourself, how much longer can i put up with this… yes i could walk away and out of his life but i feel i would be letting him down if i did this. its good i stumbled on this site knowing there are other people out there who are suffering the same as i am… bipolar destroys loving relationships… the more i read about it the more i am convinced he is sufffering from this dreadful condition… how do i get him to recognize that he is ill…
I don’t know but they have to be the ones to face their problem. This weekend was awful. She had to work until 6 and I was going to eat St Patty’s dinner with my grandparents at 5. She got so mad when I told her this, that she said “I dont want to see you tonight.” All because I wanted to eat dinner with my grandparents and her and I couldn’t eat together. It’s such a silly and simple thing to get mad over. Her attitude really upset me. Well, I went to her place after I ate and it was like nothing happened, everything was fine. I know what you mean about having to sit around and wait for someone. I sit around and wait until she’s back to being her better self. When I first started dating her she always asked me if I’d get sick of her and I thought it was odd, but that was before she ever had any episodes and mood swings. Maybe she knows but won’t admit theres a problem. Problems don’t solve themselves. She’s still young so I hope she realizes it some day.
my fiance of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. He was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder/ general anxiety disorder. I knew something was wrong when we first moved in together and he completely broke down sobbing over his boss coming to town. I thought it was stress, however it just kept happening. I would cringe anytime a stressful situation arose because I knew it would send him over the edge. Finally, he started taking medicine for a few months. A dramatic change happened and he was the person I fell in love with again. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore, and our relationship was great. Then I noticed his old behavior coming back, and I asked him if he was still taking his medicine. He told me he stopped “about 2 months ago because all the doctors want to do is suck you dry of your money and he couldn’t get a generic brand.”
Then things got really bad. He started talking about suicide and feelings of worthlessness and crying in the bathroom at his job. He called off our wedding and started being mean to our dogs-(never abusing them). Then he would talk about having a family together and talking about where we should move to be in a good school system for our child~ (we do not have kids, but I have always wanted to have them with him). Then he would scream he would never have a family with me.
I called his doctor in desperation when the suicide talk got really bad. He got livid with me. I was scared that whenever he wasn’t in my sight he would try to kill himself. But, he started blaming me for his feelings. I was now the single source of his feelings of anger, depression, rage, worthlessness, and unhappiness in his life. His doctor agreed that he needed to see him right away, however he was so angry that I called his doctor that he completely shut me down and told the doctor he felt fine that day. He also told me that the doctor told him to break up with me. Shortly after that, he broke up with me. I was and am still thoroughly confused. He told me I was too optimistic for him. He feels that people in thier heart of hearts are out to get others and “lie, cheat, and steal from others.”
Due to a lease agreement, we are still living together. It is ending in 4 weeks and it is not soon enough. He is on medication now, but I think this break up is a blessing in disguise. I have been educating myself on bipolar and a lot of things are starting to make sense to me know. Things in his personality that I considered quirky, are actually a symptom of hypomania. I have been going through serious self-doubt and depression, wondering ‘what did I do wrong?’, but the more I read and talk to people about this disorder I realize that it is not me, or him, it is the disorder.
I love him so very much, but I also love myself and do not want to subject myself or children to this destructive and confusing cyclical life. I wish the all the best to people dealing with this disorder and people supporting bipolars. I also hope that people manage their disorder with everything they have in order to stave off unintended consequences to thier relationships.
this illness can be very trying at times for partners. It is important to undrestand that you too have triggers. It is important to be mindful of your partners triggers but also to be mindful of your own. At times you will feel the way you do and your partner will experience the moods they do. It can get better with the right combination of meds, theropy and acceptance. Having said this it is not something you can force on anyone they have to make the decision to seek help on their own. If you do deside to bring it up be very careful to broach the subject delicately. It is hard to hear the people you love tell you that you need help even if you know it to be true.
Approximately a month ago my boyfriend of 7 months attempted suicide. It came as a shock, but now looking back there were so many signs, and that makes me feel so guilty. He had “broken up” with me about a month ago this occurred and broke my heart (although we still spoke to each other every day and were seeing each other), and after the attempt, explained that he had only broken up with me at the time because he couldn’t bear to be with me when he did this to himself. Now he is diagnosed and on medications to treat bipolar disorder and depression. I guess I didn’t see the signs of bipolar before, maybe because he was so good at internalizing his emotions and moods. But after the attempt, I said I would be there for him as a friend, girlfriend, in any capacity he needs me, and he said he wanted to be with me, that i was one of the things hardest to say goodbye to, and that thinking of me was the only thing that made him want to stay in this life. I love him so dearly and am willing to make sacrifices and be patient and STAY with him through all of this, because that is how much I love him. Now it has been one month from the attempt. He was hospitalized and is seeing psychologists and on medications to treat the bipolar disorder. And now, over the weekend he mentions he is losing affection towards me and, in his mind, is seeing me more as a friend. He loves me and doesn’t want to break up with me, but he does want to take time and “try” to get back to that place of seeing me as a girlfriend. This came as such a shock, because I felt as if we were rebuilding this relationship, and now he is pushing me away again. Breaking my heart for the third time. I’m willing to be patient as he “tries”, but now I feel as if I’m staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I guess I just, need some direction, some perspective. He is adjusting to new medications and a new outlook on life, and healing and adjusting to his disorder, does he really just need some time? I have been reading alot of literature on bipolar, and the pushing away loved ones seems to be so common. Has something similar happened to anyone else? The abrupt loss of affection? I have just been through too much, I’ve lost 15 lbs due to stress, and I feel another breakup after building up all this hope is just going to crush me. I just love him so very much. Any guidance would be appreciated. I feel like I don’t have many people I can talk to. Thanks.
Be there, but don’t push. Tell him how you feel, but then back off. Sometimes it’s the pressure of a relationship-having to be kind and nice and, well, normal when it’s so bloody difficult to be that breaks you.
I can’t explain why it happens, but I do the same-I just shut down and I don’t want my husband near me. He lets me know he’s there, but otherwise has learned to back off to a degree. How this would work in your situation, I don’t know. It may not be worth you putting so much time into this. Look at your motivations-do you love him enough to go through this? Are you strong enough to go through this? Do you want to, or do you feel obligated?
Bipolar is a hard third person in a relationship. If you’re up to it, if he’s worth it to you, then fight. But let him make the decisions. If he’s just starting meds, normal might take a little while and even then, he may not ever be the “perfect” guy. I know I’m not the perfect wife by any means.
Email me if you like-also check out salted lithium (link is on my Blogrolly Poly Oly page)
Things like that have happened to me before. The bipolar person pushes the closest person to them away because they know you will be there for them. It may seem like a childish game, but sometimes the best thing to do is back off and let them come to you. Eventually they snap out of their down in the dumps feeling and want to be see you because when they feel good its with you
Thank you everyone for posting your stories. It has made me feel stronger just reading everyone’s episodes. I too am involved with a recently-diagnosed bipolar man, and it’s been every adjective you all have used to describe it. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he feels that he can’t give back what I give him, so he sometimes thinks that we should go our separate ways. He’s incredibly happy when he’s with me, but completely miserable when he’s not. He says he has never not known an answer to such an important question in his life, in regards to either staying with me or not. He’s out of the country at the moment taking care of his ill father, while trying out new medication, and I haven’t heard from him since he left about three weeks ago. He comes back in a week, and I’m scared. He was fine and very loving until his flight took off, and now there’s nothing. I email him once a week even though he doesn’t reply, because that’s the only way I can let him know that I care for him and I’m thinking of him. Nothing too pressuring, but just things about my day, etc. As I said, I am scared of what is happening, and what will happen when he returns. I guess I will not find out until he returns, but any suggestions on the best ways to approach him? Should I wait until he calls or should I casually get in touch with him when he returns home? I’m sorry I’m asking a silly question perhaps, but I need every help that I can get.
I decided to stay with him because I really love him, and I truly care for him. He has been there for me too when I was having difficulties in my life, but he has a hard time recognizing that sometimes.
It has been a very hard month for me, so I’m truly happy to find this site. Any incites and suggestions are appreciated, and once again, thank you for all of the posts.
I too was involved with someone who is bipolar. Although, not clinically diagnosed, his sister is, and everything I have read on this subject describes his behavior to a tee.. My relationship just ended and has lasted two years. We have broken up a multitude of times (every single time him walking out on me). I am a single mother of two small children and when I met him he seemed strong and dependable…Shortly after we started dating, he started to become extremely jealous , would rage in anger and become verbally abusive over imagined slights, never accountable for anything-EVER, abuses alcohol (in denial most times & only once admited he’s a “drunk irish prick” (his words). He is a radio DJ and very charmng on air but in person he is very antisocial and extremely negative & pessimistic. He hates all my friends and it seemed he wanted to isolate me and viewed everyone as a threat. Whenever I did things seperate from him with my friends there was always an underlying tension from him and inevitably a huge eruption would occur. He was constantly saying I was his whole world and his whole reason for everything and I tried to encourage him to do things seperate from me, but he never wanted to.. It seemed he was always trying to get even with me for imagined slights and at times I would just sit there shocked at his emotional maturity level…I can’t even begin to explain the barage of verbal rage I would receive at times and if I tried to defend myself it would only get worse. I was constantly in tears and it seemed all he wanted was to break me down lower and lower. His coldness toward me was baffling and so hurtful. On the flip side there was a wonderful guy beneath it all that i loved. I believed he wanted to marry me and was told he wanted children with me etc. Then come to find out he had changed his mind (and I was the one who had to bring it out in the open). He has made me feel like I am crazy. He crossed so many boundaries with me I am just in disbelief how I could have let this happen. The other day he was in a “mood” and I started to stand up for myself and he threatened leaving the relationship and I finally agreed if that was what he wanted go ahead…and he did. I was constantly keeping us together in the face of his wanting to abandon us, yet he was always relieved when things settled down and convinced me he loved me more that anything.. Is anybody have similar experiences like this????? I am not sure if i will ever hear from him again-he has completely shut me out..when he was level-he was my best friend. I just feel so rejected and emotionally battered.
WOW,I AM DEALING WITH THE EXACT SAME RESPONSE FROM MY UNMEDICATED/GIRL/X.FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS YEAR AND A HALF RELATIONSHIP,SHE TOLD ME SHE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE..AND WONT RESPOND IN ANY FORM. THAT ISOLATION,THAT IS WHAT EATS ME ALIVE…DISAPPEARING AND NOT COMMUNICATING IN ANY WAY….DESERTED
Iwas somewhat relieved to find this site and honestly I’m not a religious fanatic but I do believe in God. Thank God for it.
I read this letter then promptly to be perfectly honest printed if off and mailed it to my husband. He’s in an Institution and they are thinking about releasing him home this August. It’s been awhile I can tell you and what a ride. The razers edge and nothing less.
I told him that we are going to need marriage councelling when he returns since we had some problems when I visited him. He tells me what I want to hear to get me there then it’s walking on eggshells at all times and you just never know what’s going to set him off.
As much as this saddens me, I faxed the Authorities and told them everything and that I was not able to care for him if he came home like this as much as I dearly miss him. He’s not stable and I can’t be a one man marching band for him.
That was last week, I have not heard back from them, I don’t even know if I will.
Given he’s been away for so long and he’s not in good shape yet I am beyond worried about his return.
You can’t bring up anything questionable he does and it’s all your fault and you are the worst person ever and you just use him and the list is endless.
Thank God I have a break and been able to think straight from all the problems he’s caused not only himself but me as well.
I don’t want to give up on him but may have too and I have written to him telling him this and I don’t have to tell anyone here that I’m probably on a hit list now and yes I’m fearful of this make no mistake.
He may be fooling these professionals for all I know but he’s not fooling me. That’s my bottom line.
This condition has pushed everyone in his family away from him, all of his friends and it’s their problem not his as far as he’s concerned. Will he ever be normal again, I have no idea. I pray he is, I pray I have time left with him in this world to be together in normal loving ways.
This has to be the worlds worst problem to endure, a loved one afflicted with this horrific disease. No one would tell you to leave a Cancer Patient and this is much worse by far.
You have to keep control of yourself and try to gauge every little word and action and all times or it’s the wrath. It’s me, me, me, time and it’s never about anyone else but them.
I do love him and this leaves me helpless more times than not or under attack from his extreme selfishness not to mention when he goes into psycosis and damned near kills me while completely insane and can’t stop himself from doing it. No trigger involed what so ever, he wakes up he creates a scenerio that I have wronged him and all hell breaks loose.
I call the police they take him to the hospital, he’s out that night never realizing the full extent of the torture I have endured.
Some mental health professionals I have talked with actually told me to handle all my own affairs and not tell him anything but good things regardless of what’s really happening which I don’t agree with.
The world is full of triggers for him and if he can’t be made to feel for anyone but himself then he might as well stay in there and not fool anyone else to hurt them the way he has hurt all those that loved him.
My heart goes out to you, you have to make the call yourself, I could never tell anyone what to do in their own best interests as I don’t even know myself at times given I love him, I’m trying to understand this for our sakes and I’m in the same boat without answers to any of it time and time again.
Kathryn, I understand so much of what you must be going through as well. It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting. I have said time and time again to my boyfriend that it feels as though you hate me at times and I feel like you view me as your enemy rather than the woman you say you love and adore??? The amount of frustration I feel can be so overwhelming! When a 34 year old man says to me- I make him yell and if I did not do these things he wouldn’t get upset, I feel as though I am dealing with a child. He has no interest in understanding how his behavior has affected this relationship. I was constantly changing myself to meet his needs and it was never enough. ever. Terribly sad to see glimpses of the wonderful man you fell in love with and unbearable to be at his mercy…Hurts way too much knowing I tried to be there for him only to have him leave. It’s like I am dealing with someone who has no emotions right now.
A little over two years ago I met the most wonderful, articulate, communicative, loving, senstive, funny man I had ever met in my life. It was easy to fall in love with him, he held my heart in his hands in it’s entirety. It wasn’t long into the relationship that his behavior was becoming weird, the jokes were no longer funny, at my 110 lbs 5′6″ he was suddenly calling me fat and controlling what I ate. My dream was suddenly turning into a nightmare. What happened to the articulate man that I had fallen in love with who was now drooling on himself, depressed in a corner. Hiding at every glimpse of stress, unable to communicate. Unable to show emotion and unable to care for me if I was hurt, sick, etc. Unable to show any empathy, concern, nothing…two years later in one sentence he can be talking about our wedding date, having kids in the future etc. then later in the evening after an argument he is suddenly hiding in his corner no longer knows if he loves me, if he wants to be together. I have never given so much of myself to anyone in my entire life. My love, patience, dedication, understanding, support etc. to be told that I am the one with the problem. I am the one who is difficult and he is the patient one, the understanding one. He puts down everything I am, who I am in this world & then when I call him on it, he denies that it’s true or says I do the same to him. With this illness everything feels like a game. I watch him toy with others…co-workers. I watch him intentionally play games to get back at them and that is exactly what he does to me. I am tired, lonely, depressed, sadenned, disheartened. He hasn’t been on meds for more than a couple of months and has only tried one med. I have stayed this long in hopes of him getting help but even that took almost two years before he was even willing. It will break my heart to leave him or see him go…but then again maybe the man I fell in love with was never even really there or real. Maybe it was just a manifestation of mania and new love. It becomes easy to lie to yourself when dealing with this illness. Others tell me it’s really not me and is his illness but two years of him telling me I am the problem it’s hard to not start wondering if I am missing something. I read in these posts people saying how hard it is for someone who has bipolar disorder and I am not disagreeing, but all he tells me is “it’s all good”, and he’s “fine”….mania and irritablity has always been his main symptoms not depression. So to those who say the person with the illness is the one who suffers more, I would say that REALLY depends on the situation. Let’s not throw ourselves under the bus and continue to bleed ourselves dry because after all “we have it easy, we aren’t sick” at this point I could really use some support of my own. It has been a long road..I am willing to walk it but someone please tell me the truth about what the meds can and can’t do….
I feel as tho i could have written many of these posts myself… the pain u r feeling, is exactly my pain… how do ppl do it over and over again?? U r all so very strong. I have been with my guy (barely) ….3 months almost, and in that time I have not seen much of him at all.
We had somewhat of a fairytale reunion, and everything was WONDERFUL!! We knew each other from high school (as friends), had not seen each other for 15 years, altho we still share many of the same friends back home. We bumped into each other one day by absolute chance… fell in love and never left each others sides….. until the anger, rage and abuse hit us like a tornado. We have so much in common, we lived in the same city in europe as kids, went to the same high school in the US, and are now also both successfully working in the same industry.
It is like a match made in heaven… we have similar personality types, and just have so much fun together…. but NO… not anymore!
Everything was wonderful for 2 weeks, and then one day he woke up angry, and a completely different person. He usually always held my hand and carried my bag… this day he walked ahead of me huffing and puffing, until I burst out, I could not handle it anymore. I finished by crying, he walked off and did not contact me. I called him the next day and he said he had bought a ticket to go overseas to visit his best friend.
I ended up seeing him a couple of times before he left. HE WOULD actually invite me out to the movies or restaurant for example… and then wen I got there all dressed up and excited, yell abuse at me, not look me in the eye, tell me everything bad about me, tell me I am def not the one for him, even walk off… I was so confused… why did he even bother inviting me out?? The last I heard from him was wen I called him. He was in a bar drinking with some girl, before his trip overseas. He was saying she was the most awesome girl he’d ever met. Wen I asked who she was, so as to not push me away completely he said she is cool “like a sister”… Anyway, I was on my way to work and could not join him… so he basically said “well, see you wen I see you then, good luck with everything” and hung up on me while having an amazing time with this complete stranger. I felt so hurt and devastated. How could he say he wanted to marry me and have kids with me last week, and now this!!
Anyway, he ended up leaving for 3 weeks, and never contacted me wen gone. Then the day he came back to town, he called me immediately, I missed the call and called back, and his phone was off. He was too proud to make the first move. So, I text him. We text back and forth a couple of times, and he invited me out the next day. I met up with him and his friend, we had a great night… altho I was sooo nervous at first. We did drink i have to say… but it was like we continued from where we had left off… it was perfect, and again he was telling the world (and all his friends who he was calling) he was going to marry me and have kids with me, I was “the one”.
Then he had to go away to a friends’ family gathering over the weekend… he walked me home, everything was perfect, butI did not hear from him ALL weekend!! I text him, then he finally called me, and I met up with him again. He was somewhat reserved with his feelings… then as the night and the beers progressed, he was abusive and bossy with me again, with occasional spurts of “love and affection”.
We were a bit drunk, and we had a huge fight where I cried, and he apologized, then we went home to my place. The fight was probably my fault bc I could not handle it anymore. He had introduced me to ppl as his friend, as tho he had just met me that night, wen 2 days earlier I was his future wife. When we got home he wanted to sleep with me and I said no. Then he told me how much he loved me, always had and always would… and I know it sounds like he was just trying to sleep with me, but it was really more than that… he went on to say he was really scared of loving me, and knew I was, but we would try harder. But he also said that I also had to understand that he would always go, but he would always come back. Anyways, he woke up in the morning, ANGRY!!! again!!! He had borrowed my rent money from me the night before, and pressured me into lending him the money, by accusing me of not trusting him. Then he woke up in the morning, and when he was getting dressed I asked him why he was leaving, he said I could come, but didn’t really seem like he wanted me to, he was angry. Then wen I asked if he could pay me back the money… he blew up and asked for receipts and said I was just using him for money. I told him it as not true. He then walked out… and I had no idea how I was going to pay rent or eat for the week.
I emailed him an hour later, and he was online at the same time as me. He text me twice that day to ask for my account details, and emailed me as well (so i do give him that)… but I told him 2 forget about it bc I was so hurt and angry. I also sent him a super long email about EVERYTHING on my mind… including, that he “could” be bipolar, and cut and paste info. It was a very long email, I really told him how depressed I was… prob should not have, it prob stressed him more??
Anyways, I told him I loved him more than words could explain, and that I could go with him if he wanted to a doctor, but not to contact me otherwise because he had torn me apart soo much. He never wrote back. I wrote again… I said, please just give me an explanation, I love you and I have been so depressed, please give me closure. Still nothing.
Then today again (there’s been 4-5 days between each email) saying that I know he does not mean the things he says, but that I still love him more than anyone I have ever loved, and if he ever wanted me here as a friend I would be here for him, even if it meant 10 years from now. I also said that I would start dating other ppl again, since he had clearly broken up with me and was prob seeing other ppl himself.
Like last time before he went overseas, he also ignored my heartfelt text message. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Anyway, I guess what I want to know is… what should I do! Leave him alone like last time, and then he will come back? Maybe he will never contact me again because I told him to look into the possibility that he is bipolar. He also has huge abandonment issues with his parents. He has no bro or sisters, no parents (he cut them out) and only his good guy friends from the last ten years are his family. Most are in relationships and married… does he not think about why they are, and he is not??
What I want to know is… does he mean all these things he says to me? the good, the bad, both, neither? does he remember? MOST IMPORTANTLY, will he return? AND What should I do? How should I treat him? How will he ever learn he is bipolar if he has no family to intervene, and his guy friends will not ever do anything about it. I am so depressed, I have stayed in bed for 2 long, I am so drained, i have no energy to function. I feel used and so unbelieveably hurt.
The other thing i forgot to mention… the last contact I had with him was the following email… What is your account nb, i will deposit wat I owe u. I can’t see you anymore, you and me are not good together, we drink too much and it scares me… its not you… its just that i don’t need another drinking buddy… that’s it. I feel like this is such an excuse as he drinks 1000 times more than me, and sometimes does coke if it is offered. But I think he truly believes this statement!!! I am at a loss…..
Do i leave him alone, or contact him 2 remind him i love him? From wat I read on these posts, that is wat I shd do. I have already sent quite a lot of emails, five in 2 weeks, with no replies. I have not tried calling or texting, should I? Or do i leave him and he will return?? Usually i would feel so desperate and stupid doing all of this contact, but is this what he needs? 2 know I am always here and love him?? why does he disappear for so long all the time? sorry for all my questions AND LENGTH POSTING…. i am just in need of advice so dearly!!! Thanks for reading, and I wish u all so much more happiness, peace and courage in your lives
Denise, As I posted in a recent comment, I have been in a two year relationship with someone who, although undiagnosed (his sister is clinically diagnosed), fits every symptom of bipolar disorder…I have been left feeling abandoned, betrayed, hurt and confused by him so many times throughout the couse of our relationship (refer to my previous comment-it may ring a bell). In regard to your question of “what should you do”……My boyfriend has left our relationship more times than I care to count. Every time this has happened I am always the one to try and hold us together. In the face of his UNDESERVING callousness, verbal abuse, rejection and withdrawl, I constantly kept trying…And eventually we always got back together but ALWAYS at the expense of my energy, dignity and self respect. We have broken up again. He was threatening once again to leave the relationship and I finally told him if thats what he wants, to go ahead and leave. He has absolutely drained me. I have not heard from him in eleven days. I have not contacted him for eleven days, I have cried for eleven straight days. He has broken my heart. The thing is, it would be so easy for me to yet again call or show up at his place and make him look at the pain he has caused and help remind him of the genuine love I know he has for me-but to what avail?? So that he can leave again? So that when times get tough and I need his love too-he can reject me time and time again. He is in denial of his problems and shuns acccountability for anything. How can you have true intimacy with someone when you can’t feel acknowledged in the relationship too?? I know too well how painful this is but do know that it is a vicious cycle. I am hopeful that my refusing to chase after him may make him take a look at himself but I realy don’t know that it will. It is frightening the way your loved one can turn off. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for your support Denise… I really know wat u mean wen u say that u have lost your dignity, self respect and ENERGY!! I also know wat u mean wen u say that you have cried for 11 days straight… I feel your pain. I think we try 2 hard 2 hold onto the “good times” and the “fairytales” and most of all “HOPE”!!! We prob have a bit of a co-dependency thing, but how do u even distinguish between love and co-dependency anyway?? Isn’t it kind of a blurred line… bc wen u love someone so much u just want to be with them as much as possble, share everything you have and give all your love unconditionally. I don’t know if my guy will return, judging from everyones posts… probably, and he did last time. But the prob is, my guy seems to return many weeks later, who knows if it could even be months this time if he is overseas. Apparently with bipolar ppl “outta sight, outta mind” …. and that really causes me great pain. To think that I think about him every moment of the day, and even dream about him at night, and I might not have even passed through his mind in the last 13 days that he has been missing from my life. I wonder if I should have sent all the emails, some angry, some loving… maybe they turned him off me and I seem desperate?? Maybe I should have called or text msg’d?? I don’t even know if he is in the country
My guy has also not been diagnosed, but I know that he has schizofrenia and other mental issues in his family… I don’t think he knows he has a prob?? Does he not wonder why he always gets angry at girlfriends?? does he not wonder why he cannot have a nice relationship with a girl like all his friends have with their gfs?? I know that it will be a constant battle… I have left it up to fate for now (or at least that’s wat I am saying today) …if he contacts me again, I will see him again, and I will try maybe to just be friends, i’m not sure…. maybe I will try again. I don’t want to show off, but there are a lot of guys that like me… and for 3 years I have been single, and he is the only guy I have liked. I have been in love rarely in my life… he is one of the few. So hard to let go… so painful 2 think I might not hear from him. I wonder if your guy will return now that u have broken up with him? I have a feeling he will eventually, if he always has in the past. It’s so easily said… but u need to somehow (myself also) find a way 2 get him 2 realize he has this problem and get into therapy and on meds. I also think that hypnotherapy cds that work on the subconscious could work somewhat, u can play them, and just say they are for u, he’ll still hear them. I also know of a herbal thing that I once took for depression that also works (they say) somewat 4 mood swings/bipolar… its called Clarocet. Maybe u could say that they work for general wellbeing like vitamins (they are herbal)… u can both take them, then he won’t think its aimed at him?? These r just ideas I have thought of in my many hours of depression, haha. I am new to all of this, so everyone will prob think this is absurd!! lol… but I am desperate!! These are just suggestions… I don’t know much, I am new to all of this. I wish u well, keep me posted.
Maggie, I just read ur previous post again since u had referred to it…
“It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting.”
I have tried this myself, watching every word I say, every move I make, shutting up wen he gets angry or tells me to… I sit there in disbelief at times! I am a very independent woman, i manage large numbers of ppl at times in my work… yet I am like an abused subservient housewife wen I am around him in one of these “moods”. Ppl would not recognize me… he turns me into something I loath, and something I stand against after seeing my dear g’ma who raised me for years in such a subservient /dictated relationship. How do u survive like this?? It really does suck u dry being on edeg all the time… and even for all your efforts wen u try, u are still put down!! Is it best I wonder, let me know… to just walk off and make it clear wen they get angry, that u will not be treated like that, and that wen they are less angry you will be waiting for them, and u love them…. and then to just leave (no matter how hard)- in order to save yourself! Something 2 think about (and test out) I guess…
My long-term boyfriend and I just broke up recently. He was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago. When I fell in love with him, he seemed completely normal. He told me he was diagnosed but he said he felt fine lately. I am very deeply in love with him and I would do anything to help him… but as other people have said, things weren’t always so pretty. I chewed too loud, typed too loud, talked too loud, ate too much, etc. I spent half the time trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong all the time and if I really was so annoying. He used to come home from work and some days he would be perfectly happy to see me, and others not so much… he would yell at me because his room was too hot or slam things around. He would get angry at me or accuse me of things that I would never dream of doing and tell me to get out. I would leave and then he would always call me or ask me to come back and that he was really sorry and “didn’t understand” why he felt that way and couldn’t control it. I know he frustrates himself all the time with his behavior, or he used to. He isn’t receiving any treatment and I begged him since he started to get like this… he said he needed to “figure things out on his own.” Recently he started hanging out with people who aren’t people he would normally be around, going out all the time, making “spurratic plans”, and drinking a lot. I used to never even get him out of the house to go to have dinner with friends. He was always wanting to be home to relax. I would do anything for him, but I came to the conclusion that I should probably go ahead and leave him to himself for now and make sure he damn well knows that if he ever needs anything, to let me know. I didn’t want to leave him… god, I did not. But I just had to. It’s hard when you’re trying and trying and you’re getting ignored, or downed all the time. I just wish he would get help and it frustrates me most of all that I cannot make him! I KNOW that he is such a beautiful person. I just wish he would realize that he can’t do this by himself, and just get help. He used to be on medication but it made him suicidal so he refuses to go on it again. Everyone is telling me to “get over” him and “let him go” and I’m doing the best I can. God knows I’d love to move on completely. But he’s sick and I really love him. For a long time, he was doing really well and I have always held onto that. None of my friends understand what it truly means to go through this particular situation and I feel so alone. I’ve never been so depressed and had this bad of anxiety. I worry about him all the time, as I’m afraid he will hurt himself. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to do to grieve the relationship and try to be happy. I’ve never had this hard of a time even beginning to let someone go. I am extremely lost. Anyways, I’m glad I found this. I wish I would have found it a long time ago.
im so glad i found this site… its not my fault.. everything makes sense now…
Chris, I am glad u found this site. It is a gr8 support. You realize ur not the only one out there wen u read all the posts, and like u said, u realize it’s not all YOUR fault. It makes it somewhat easier when questions you have been dying to have answered, are finally answered. I had to cut off from my guy. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I did wat was best for me. I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again or trust again. I don’t think I will ever see him again either. It was so easy for him to move on, yet a couple of weeks earlier I was everything to him and he told everyone I was his future wife. It was too abusive, I was so depressed I did not get out of bed for over a month. I begged so many times, shut my mouth so many times, lost my dignity and looked weak (which he finds unattractive), and was always said to be playing “the victim” -which is actually his starring role. He lied to me, humiliated me in front of all his friends, and MY friends, borrowed money with the intention of never paying back and I could not pay rent, and the list goes on… Time makes it easier, and getting busy helps. I still miss him so much tho. Wen he was sweet, he was sweeter than anyone I have ever known. The only way to stop going back to him… was to delete his number, email address, etc… If I really want I can find him, we have mutual friends (we kno each other fr high school), but it helps not being able to “easily” contact him. Sometimes I think he might just pop up out of the blue weeks or months from now… maybe he will?? Ppl have said that bipolar ppl usually return after their time-outs… we’ll see… he has done it twice before. This time I think it is different tho – I hung up on him and told him to never contact me again. If he returns it will be so hard to say no, but just as hard going back into it knowing it will happen again. Plus he is not medicated, has no idea he has a problem…. it’s just everyone else with the problem. His friends are oblivious. I wish you well with your loved one, and hope this site is just as helpful to you as it has been to me.
my boyfriend is bipolar and things at times can be very hard. i didnt know for the first 8 months we were together, i just thought that sometime he can just be a real jerk. one night i over heard him telling his sister that he has it. we havent talked about it at all. right now he is in a really bad place and i found out he isnt just treating me bad but also his best friend. i know it sounds bad but it kind of makes me relieved that he is acting like this to his friend as well cause then i dont feel like im doing something wrong.
he doesnt yell or call me names but he distances himself from me really badly. i cant help but ask often if he still loves me or wants to be with me. ill text him and tell him that i miss him and he sends stuff back like im sorry. i dont understand how he can go days without me cause it makes me want to die when he isnt around. i love him very much and dont want to give up. it just hurts so much when he is down. lately i find myself resenting him when he is around though i dont say anything. is that bad?
i know he wont get help and he wont talk to me or his friends, but right now things are bad. my heart hurts all the time and im afraid to talk to him about it and the disorder cause i dont think he even knows that i over heard him telling her. i just need to find out how to make it easier and when he wants to be distant should i let him be?
hello cleveland, i kno it is very hard, ad sometyms we even have to wonder if they love us. In my case I really don’t think he loves me. We had a fight, I hung up on him, and now it has been 3 weeks and no word… think he has moved on… it hurts very much. As for you tho, it sounds as tho he really does love u as he is able to hold back from being abusive and altho he disappears sometyms, when u txt he still txts back. My guy would not even text or call back wen he disappreard, and sometym this would be like 2 days after he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day!! I do believe that they really need their space, and we have to give it to them…. which really f sux bc sometyms u just want to b around them all the tym bc u love them so much! rm wat i have read -postings by bipolar ppl- wen they go thru certain cycles they need to b alone, and cannot stand the presence of the ppl they love most… there is no explanation why… that’s just how it is! Give him his space… u will just have 2 b strong and keep busy during those periods. Wen the come back they are all refreshed. My ex would always be so happy 2 c me and sooo in love with me wen he returned. As for the facing him about his problem… that is very delicate, but it needs to be done. MAybe u shd just be honest and tell him u accidentally overheard… altho he will bring it back later in a fight and turn it against u. U still need 2 bring it up… if he doesn’t get help it will get worse and worse. Brinit up delicately, very casually like it is nothing, wen he is in his “happy” mood. My guy doesnt even kno he has it… i sent him emails, I’m sure he read them… but I think he is going to b in denial for a long time… t’ll have to get really bad, something will have to happen, for him 2 ever c this. Good luck n keep us posted…
thank you denise so much for responding to my blog. i have been looking for someone to talk to about all this and now i finally have found something better. i have found people that live with this on a daily basis and also people who have bipolar. i dont think anyone else could understand but all of you. it totally amazed me last night. i filled out my blog and checked it later only to smile and hold back my tears on joyfulness that someone actually responded to help me. my night seemed to only get better cause later my boyfriend called me while he was at work. that never happens when he is there or even when he isnt for that matter cause he hates talking on the phone. but he was so sweet to me and talked for the few mins he had. at the end of the conversation he said i love you first. i needed that so bad and he finally gave me that feeling of love for the first time in almost 3 weeks. the text he sent me later were very sweet as well. a few were his usual “what did you do all day and with who?” there was also a “your other boyfriend”comment thrown in the text but it didnt seem to serious, i just assured him that there is no one else and answered the questions he asked honestly and with details to make him feel better. i dont have anything to hide. but im keeping my fingers crossed that his bad feeling is gone and hoping that my boyfriend is back. i wont really be able to tell til tomorrow night that is if he stays with me. its just hard realizing that the good wont stay for long before hell is back…
Cleveland, I am so happy that I was able to bring a bit of happiness and relief to you. Enjoy your bf while times r good, but just remember that it will always revert to bad, and protect yourself for those times. Give him his space. Just a question… does your bf disappear sometimes? if so, how long for? Is it u that always initiates the contact again? How long have u gone out for? I am wondering at the moment wat i shd do… i am dying inside, i miss him so much!!!!! He really is a part of me somehow?? He has been gone almost 3 weeks. I hung up on him and told him he was schizo and to stay away from me. He did some pretty terrible things that pushed me ovr the edge. He then turned it around and said I WAS crazy, and really believed it!! ANyways, we have known each other since high school, but only gone out since feb, and in that tym I have spent more time away from him than with him, and I always initiate. I was going to b strong and not lose MORE dignity…. plus he told me he just wanted something causal (sex)….altho for months b4 that I was “the one” and he wanted to marry me. Do I wait longer or do I initiate contact…I’m not sure?? Anyways… just venting. Thanks for reading.
my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months now and we too have know each other for a long time, since middle school. we both had crushes on each other back then but just never seemed to come together til this year. its not so much like he dissapears but just becomes distant. i will only get a few text from him in a day and i wont see him sometimes for a couple but he still will text somewhat. they just are very simple yes and no answers and no replys back to i love you or i miss you unless they are kind of mean replies.
i know how it is to love someone so much it actually is over whelming sometimes. i know what it feels like to love someone more than you could ever love yourself. i dont know if you feel the same way but i can tell that this man means a great deal to you. he definatly is someone you want in your life, but you cant make someone be there as i have been learning with my boyfriend. i would say talk to him. he isnt gonna know how you really feel without you telling him. and maybe you already have but tell him again. you know what really helps me is if i write down everything i want to say. i know that sometimes when i get in the situation of talking i get so nervous and jumbled that i cant focus which makes my words at less of an impact. when you write it use alot of examples and describe things. be very open all in words. when it comes time for you to give it to him to read dont mail it or call him first, just go someplace where you know he will be and simply say…i have something for you to read and it might take a little time. i would really like to be here when you do and i was wondering if right now is ok?
another thing to keep in mind the whole casual sex thing could just be a mood swing or maybe he thinks he wouldnt be able to make you happy so he doesnt want it to go further. but please dont be nieve. keep in mind that there is a chance that maybe his feelings have changed for you. prepare yourself for all the outcomes and make sure you can handle any of them before you make contact again.
if your ready i would go for it. its not fair for you to wait around. you gave him space and time. now you need to know what the future holds with him so you can start living it or start healing. i wish you the best of luck and i really want things to work out for you. please keep me posted denise.
ps funny question where do you live? ha ha cause i know some of the people on here said england. i live in michigan…
Thanks so much for your words and support, it really means so much. You are the first person to reply to a post of mine. I think the letter idea is a great idea if he reads it in front of me… I get so nervous around him sometimes. We have also known each other since we were kids, and have the most craziest things in common. He is the only guy in the world that has lived the same life as me… he even says “parallel lives”.
I am not sure how to go about this… but I might make some small initial contact thu email first. He always responds after it has been a while wen I call, he usually does not answer to emails… but I think I am not ready to lose my dignity too much at the moment!! haha. Everytime I have told him I would never contact him again, I still have. This time was supposed to be different. But I miss him so much, and I am not sure if he is just pushing me away bc of his moods or because he thinks that it will be more heartache for both him and me. I have written lots of really long emails in the past about my feelings, and he never replies, he doesn’t even mention them when we see each other again. After we’ve been apart for a while, he is always happy to hear from me tho… but rarely makes the first move. As i write this I am thinking I might wait another couple of weeks or a month before initiating… since there is a chance he could initiate first. If he does not it will give him his time out. He is also busy and travels a lot -so manages to move on from all the ppl (friends also) that he fights with, with ease. I have a feeling he is depressed or in a weird mood, on face book he had 100 friends, and has now deleted all these ppl, only has 20 left… that is not normal behaviour!! Oh well, I will keep u posted. Thanks again for your reply. Pls keep me posted on your progress as well. : ) ps – I live in Australia, funny how love is the same in all hemispheres, haha.
yeah i seemed to have spoke to soon. he text me today and ended things. this is the first time i think my my heart has ever felt pain like this before. its so overwhelming i cant seemed to take a breath. he said he hasnt been happy for a while with me, but he never told me anything like that. when i would ask him he always said yes. he stayed last and told me he loved me. we had such a great night. he held me in the dark and i remember falling asleep with a smile to the feeling of his breathing on my neck.
i know it that it might accutally be for the best but i cant help thinking that things ended to sudden and this whole situation wasnt fair to me.
-its now the next day. i started drinking yesterday and didnt stop so i couldnt finish this. i know that it was self destructive and i dont drink often but for once last night i went out and did something i wanted to do. it made sleeping a little better cause the first night alone is always ruff.
i just cant believe that this is happening. my heart hurts so bad. i want him to came back but i also dont think that i could let him back into my life. i cant go through another break up with him and thats only where it will lead. i just want him to hold me and kiss me again. i just miss his love…
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Dear Cleveland, i am so sorry to hear about what happened, I know how unbearable the pain can be, and how hard it is when you don’t get closure. You want answers to the many questions you have, you want to make sense of it all… but they will never make sense, bc the things they do to us never make sense, they don’t even know why they behave this way. Its so hard to think that a couple of days earlier he said you were his soulmate, and then now he does not love you anymore?? How can that be??? My bf did the same to me… a couple of times, and each time I had to go thru the breakup all over again!! I really don’t think that they can just stop loving us overnight like that! They must still love us, but be in one of their “moods” -they also have probs dealing with their emotions. Every now and then when things are too perfect (in love) they remember that “love just means pain” — therefore it is best to break things off before smething painful happens. This is what I have read on various websites that bipolar ppl have posted on. I really want my guy back as well, altho I know i shd run!! …. I have never loved anyone like this before, and so many things tell me that we were meant to be together… i know it sounds cliche!! If I am honest with myself I know that he will destroy me again and again, and not be good for me. He is not officially diagnosed, but I know that even if he was and took meds, and saw a pschologist… from wat I read, the road will still always be rocky. Everytime he broke up with me for no reason -outa the blue- when things were going so beautifully…. it was hard, and each tme was even harder and I suffered great depressions where I could not get myself out of bed for weeks at a time. I have left him, had no contcat for a month… then last night I wrote him an email saying that I just wished him well, and I wanted to clear the air and end things nicely. WHo knows… he may never even reply, sometimes he just chooses to ignore me for ages…. I might actually never hear from him or see him again in my life, which saddens me…. but I am thru with losing my dignity and begging. He knows I love him, I’ve sent enuff emails, he needs to put in some effort as well… i deserve that at the least… and so do you, Cleveland. I think you should not take it to heart (easily said!) what your bf said… how many times do they says things just to hurt us!! He cannot mean it really, if three days earlier he was so in love. He says he has had these feelings for a while, but I think he was just saying that to get a reaction, as they love to do. They really love to hurt us, and see the damage they can cause, they really seem to enjoy it when they are in these “moods”. It is going to be very hard, but give him his space for a while, could be a month or two. Maybe send him a short email or text telling him you love him, always will, and if he ever wants to be friends or come to you, you will always be there for him, but you will leave him to decide when as you realise he might need space. He will always have that email, and he will always know you love him, so if he wants to come back when his “mood” changes again… he will know it is possible. Apparently they always end up coming back… mine has come back the 2 times he left me…. this time might be different though… especially bc mine travels… so outa sight, outa mind
We have both known our guys since we were kids, so there will always be somewhat of a bond there, more than with anyone else. Also, remember, that if he cannot make it with u, chances are very very very slim that a relationship with anyone else lasts, or that any new girl puts up with half of what we do! Last time I saw my guy he was very hurtful, he was so nice to me and in love, and after he slept with me he just ignored me. I felt so betrayed and worthless and made a fool of. He also told me we could not be friends (without sex) the way he can be with this other girl (a mutual friend) that we know from high school, bc things are just different with her, she is like a sister…. but they have slept together 3 times in the past…. she lives in another city, has 2 kids, and does not live in the same world as we do… we are both actors. It hurts that he belittles who I am to him. I wonder if he will write back?? Let me know how everything goes Cleveland… i wish you lots of luck, and most of all lots of strength. Write wenever u lyk, writing really helps to get thru tough times : )
um yeah so the past week has been hell. i just hurt so much and was having a hard time dealing with it. and then last night he came up to the bar i was at. he atleast text me and asked me if it was ok first. i wanted to play it cool and act like it didnt bother me so i said yeah come on up. all of our friends were there like every wedsday night so i wouldnt be alone. he asked me if i wanted to play pool so i said yes. he looked so good and i was trying real hard not to stare at him. we started talking about everything and i knew where it was going. i was so scared and i dont know why. maybe because i wasnt sure what i was gonna say if he did ask me to come back. he told me that he missed me and that he has been misserable the past week. about how all he could think of was me and he made a mistake. that all the reasons he broke up with me in the first place werent important anymore cause he would rather have me in his life than without. we ended up talking for hours about everything. i told him how i felt about everything and he listened and talked with me which was really nice. in the end the deal breaker was when he kissed me he started to cry and i melted right back into his arms. i have never seen him like that before. i did tell him that this is it, if it doesnt work out this time dont bother coming back cause i wont have it. i dont want to play the back and forth game but i would like us to have a second chance. so we are both pretty happy for now. im not sure how long thats gonna last though. heres hoping for a long time. i know that my room mate is very pissed about all of this. she is my best friend but she is very controlling over me and lets just say she hates my boyfriend. i guess ill just have to keep them out of the same room ha ha :/
denise-did he respond to your e mail yet? i really hope that he does you seem like a very sweet person. i wish they just understood that forgiving people like all of us on here dont come around as easily as they may think. it takes a very special person to be with someone who is so unpredictable. i hope he realizes that you do try because you care about him. please keep me up dated-let me know if he wakes up
Hello Cleveland, thanks so much for you email and support. I am soooo happy for you. It is so nice when they come back to their senses!!
I really do think that your bf loves you… but as you know, it will prob happen again, and we will feel pain again… but, that being said, there is still hope. Have you discussed the “bipolar” thing with him?? … I know wat u mean about ur friends. I think it is so easy 4 ppl to say “forget about him, he is no good” …it s so easy to say, but a lot of ppl who say this, if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing. Your friend prob really is just worried and cares a lot for you, does not want to see you hurt again…. but a bit of supprt is nice when u love someone so much. Also, ppl cannot understand when they kno nothing about bipolar. I knew nothing about bipolar b4, I would have just thought the person was a jerk before I read up on it.
Well, my guy has not returned the email. I though he had perhaps not been online bc he is overseas working, prob very busy. But when I checked his fcebk page… I am a bit of a stalker, hahaha…. I am not friends with him on there, but I can look at his friend list… and he has added another friend… therefore he has been on, ignored me. I am dealing with things okay this week, considering. Just keeping very busy. I really miss him soooooo much tho. It’s just not fair! Even my flatmate says that it is so sad, as we were like the perfect couple, had soooo much in common, and have known each other since we were kids, was like a fairytale. I know that he will never find another person better matched, and he must know that…. why does he destroy all his relationships that matter?? He doesn’t even talk to his mother!! I really think he hates women sometimes. Maybe he will write again one day… I’m sure he will one day… but who knows, could be years from now. We have all the same friends from high school, so he’ll hear about me, and me him, every now and then. I could not help myself, I wrote another email… just 2 tell him the good news that I got a REALLY amazing promotion at work!!! We work in the same industry. Anyways… for now I always live with hope… I am a sucker for hope!! haha. Please keep me posted on your situation. Again, thanks for ur supprt, and i hope he sees things clearly from hereon as it sounds like u are both very much in love.
well im sorry to hear that he didnt respond. i was hoping to hear that he did. and yes i do agree that friends dont understand sometimes. in your off time have you been going out at all and trying to talk to anyone new? i know that i didnt talk to anyone in that sense but i did try to get out of the house as often as possible. duane-thats my boyfriend-he is a little better but its still to early to tell i guess. i really want to take things slow this time around. im happy to hear you got a promotion by the way-congrats!!! and your not a stalker for checking up on him ha ha i would and have done the same kinda stuff. all it is is curiosity ha ha. stick to that story ha ha. this is really nice-i know it sounds kinda corny but i actually look forward to hearing your responses. it makes me feel alot better. cause all of my friends are very unsupportive and here is this person who lives across the world from me and really is hopping for the best instead of waiting to tell me i told you so. its always good to have hope denise. dont let anyone tell you different. he is what makes you happy. he is the man you love and are willing to try and work things out with-why wouldnt you hope that comes to his senses? he is important to you and that is obvious. i hope he does too
Hello Cleveland, thanks for ur reply, it really is so nice to feel as though someone understands and supports. How crazy is it wen one finds support with someone on the otha side of the world! Pity those around us cannot be there for us, wat has the world come to! lol. That being said, thank god for sites like this that enable us to connect. I know our friends worry, but a bit of support would be nice. My friends are totally ovr it now, and just tell me to move on, he is a bastard. Wish it was so easy! To answer ur ? – I don’t go out and meet other ppl. I am just not interested in other ppl. I am still in love with my guy, and no one compares to him. I know its wrong – and when I am honest I know he is bad for me and in fact, he cannot compare to anyone bc he is such a bastard… but I love him!! So… since I saw u – lots has happened… and only in the last 2 days!! I was out at a cafe/bar near my house, minding my own business, at night, with a close guy friend. I was talking about my guy (whose name also starts with a D, lol) and literally 20 seconds after I finished talking about D…. who should walk past… D, himself! I was shocked!! Had not had contact in about 2 months! I was just starting to slowly get over him and realise inside that he didn’t love me and I would never see him again! I felt so nervous! I went to the bathroom, I was shaking and almost vomited. It was almost too much for me!! I love him… but he scares me bc he always leaves a trail of destruction behind, and I end up in a complete and utter depression that takes me at least a month to get out of. Anyways… he was back in town for 2 days, and then off again. He was on his way to my house when he saw me sitting at the corner cafe. He came to see me while he was here for only 2 days… which was really nice in a way. I think I always knew somewhere inside, and still do now… that he will always come back. He always used to tell me, ‘I always go, but I always come back’ … very bipolar behaviour! So, we had a gr8 nite out with my friends. But… he does not have an atm card, bc he does not trust himself with not blowing away all his money, and only gets money from walking into the bank to keep it under control. He asked me to pay and said we would have a gr8 nite out, and he wd pay me back the next day. He said this to me once before… and never paid me. Yelled at me for “using him” instead. I could not pay rent that week! This time I thought (my problem: hope) that it would be diff…. bc he just got a huge job where he was paid ovr 100k. He swore he didnt pay last time bc he was broke. This time he swore he would pay me everything back, even the money from last time. I believed him, spent my rent money again… and the next day he gave me only 20 bucks. I said nothing… wat’s it gona change if i do say somthing?? He will yell at me, I’ll be even more depressed and hurt, and wont see the money anyway.
That night he kept telling me that he really wanted to make it work btwn us, and that he really wanted me to move with him to the new city he is moving to (which I am incidentally also moving to for work). Wenever I rolled my eyes or laughed it off, he was really serious, and told me to take it serously as well. He told me he loved me and wanted us to have children together etc etc. He always tells me these things… and I know this is weird to say, but I swear he really does mean them. Ok, he was drunk. But in the morning wen we woke up, he also kept saying all these things. We walked around, and he held my hand, we hugged and kissed really affectionately etc etc. When we woke up he really insisted on taking me out to a really nice lunch, and he did. Then… he got kinda angry at the waitress for taking 4eva… thn went really quiet after we left the restaurant. We went and sat down somewhere outside in the sun, and we were hugging and kissing really affectionately, and he was saying it was really nice. When I told him I missed him already, he said he liked hearing that. Then, I had to go to work. He didn’t even accompany me to the bus, was still really quiet, said goodbye, and I have not heard from him since. I sent him 2 nice, kinda fun, text msgs… and nothing!!
The other thing… he has read every single email I have sent him, and I think he has considered that he might have bipolar!! When we were at the restaurant, he casually, outa nowhere, brought it up. He said “wat is that disease u think I have? Bolar, polar??” …as if u would not know that name?? I casually said “oh, bipolar?” And he said “yes, so what is it exactly?” So I explained it to him in a very casual “watever” kinda way, mentioning many times along the way that he “might or might not” have it, “who knows”. Didn’t want to push it. He actually took time to think about it, look very concentrated, and then said “yeah, maybe I do?? Who knows. Maybe I do??” –SO I said, “yeah maybe”. Then he asked a couple more questions about it, and then concluded that he “probably does not” because of whatever… dont remember the excuse. But I think he might actually know he has it, but bc he is so proud, is slowly testing the waters just to see how I feel about it. Maybe he even knows and has just never told me?? He has brought up weird stuff in the past… such as: “i bet u some women take meds and u would never know” … Just outa the blue, no reason?? OR “why do ppl cry, I just dont get it??” -when we were watching a movie… wat kind of a ? is that I thought?? Then the other night he admitted to me that he cries every night. He was drunk when he told me, but when I laughed, he was serious and I apologized.
Aaaahhh!! Now I probably wont c him for months… again!! I can’t believe this!! Why doe he always have to leave for so long, yet always come back for so short? Most ppl think he is just using me… and to tell the truth he is! …but that being said, I also KNOW he loves me, but I think he is just messed (sorry please don’t take any offence anyone) in the head and cannot handle his strong emotions he has for me, and gets paranoid and scared, and runs away as quickly as he can. I just don’t know why someone would tell me all these beautiful things and have all these future plans to be with me in their head, one minute, and then the next minute not talk to me for weeks, sometimes months… yet always return, and always return with the same force! He could be using me for sex, but he would not have to go that far and say all those things, and say them wen he is sober as well after we have slept together. I think he always knows when he does the wrong thing, but does not realise this until later. Bc he always brings things up that I think he would not remember (even small things) and casually apologises for them. Still does not change the fact that I am hurt, lied to, practically stolen from!!
I don’t know wat 2 do?? I am still a bit hurt… but to tell the truth, I am mainly numb this time around. I think this could actually be his last chance with me as more than a friend. He actually is starting to turn me off with his verbal diarrhoea -i learnt how to spell that word from a tv commercial last night… hope its right, lol! He really talks a lot of shit, and always contradicts himself. Sometimes I truly don’t think that he even knows what he is talking about!! Plus he is so far up himself. This is all mainly when we go out and drink, this verbal diarrhoea and talking contradictions. But… then again, fuck! No!-I still love him, haha. I think I have learnt that he will always go, always lie, always come back, I’ll always be hurt. I want to stay away, but don’t know if I will nxt time he comes around. I feel so used. I just wish I knew for sure if he means the things he says??
Well, this is very long…. sorry to selfishly just talk about me, me, me! lol. I think I just really needed to vent. How are things going with you? I hope things are going well. I think your guy is a little more “stable” than my guy. He seems to do less disappearing acts, and when he does for less time. Have you at all had a chance to get around to casually, very slightly, very quickly, touching on the subject of him perhaps being bipolar? If I see my guy again (who knows??) I am going to keep at it… but very subtly, and let him drift there again. Oh, and by the way.. he reconnected with his mum after all these years, bc of me kind of. I always talk to my mum, and he saw that. And both are mum’s are very similar and from the same backgrounds, so me and my mum remind him of him and his mum maybe?? I really think that he read the bipolar links I sent him. He used to get mad at his mum for nothing, yell at her, abuse her and leave. Now he said he sits there and when she nags, he just lets her have it and zones out, slouches fwd so she knows he hates it, but keeps his anger in control. I told him women just need to vent – like when I write him long letters – and he said he has been thinking about things and really understands “things” and “women” better…. meaning I think…. that he has read the bipolar info I sent in an email, read it, and realised he prob does get angry a lot and has tried to maybe monitor it a little more. He does actually seem a little less anger-driven than usual. He didn’t have a full mood swing with me. He usually turns angry, then disappears -after he has fallen in love again and sworn to marry me. This time he just went quiet – then disappeared, lol – Wow! so much better, lol! Actually yes… i hate the anger. writing this post, I am really starting to think that he has been monitoring his anger. Wow! -Still disappears though. Look fwd to ur nxt post cleveland… sorry for the long long detailed venting session, lol.
hello denise-
i really couldnt tell you if he was using you or not. i tend to fall for the act. id like to think that someone could love me as much as they say or else why would they say it?! im not saying that your guy is guilty of this, im just saying. i am happy that you got to see him after so long. have him around even if it was just a short amount of time. at the same time im sad not that he left because he had to but that he didnt even bother to keep in touch once again. and dont be sorry about writing a long message. this page really does help and its good to vent. i wouldnt respond if i didnt care to hear about whats going on just like you wouldn’t.
it sounds like he might really be recongnizing the fact that he might have a problem. (i can’t spell ha ha). but really i dont think he would have been so interrested about it unless a spark went off. my dad used to say something to me when i was younger. now dont take it as its said, think outside cause it relates to us. he said a “man can cheat on his wife and still love her.”
i think that sometimes men do things that arent right, or hurtful, or down right shitty, but that doesnt mean they don’t love us. he can be mean and treat you like crap and still love you denise but that doesn’t make it right. IM JUST AS GUILTY so please don’t take this as an attack on you-i would never be so one sided. im just saying it amazes me how many times we forgive and over look some things.- im gonna post this and write more later cause im at work and its time for me to go home ha ha-i work midnights so i really want out of here ha ha…(to be cont.)
Hello Cleveland,
Thanks so much for your reply. I really look fwd to ur posts. It’s really nice to kno that someone out there cares, supports and understands my choices
I am also in a rush, btwn crazy work schedules n dealing with my depression, and being completely emotionally and physically drained! I have NO energy!! I always feel this way after he leaves. He always pops up at the VERY worst time also! I know wat u mean about the shit we put up with tho! Seriously, we women are such forgiving and loving souls. It is hard to know why someone wd go out o their way to hurt u so much. From wat I have read they hurt us to feel in control, and to kno that we will still love them no matter wat, unconditionally – which is really hard a concept to grasp. Have you also read something similar to this?
A post I read said… “they say terrible things and try to cause the most possible pain because they desparately need us to show them that we’ll love them no matter what.” Another quote was “never ever believe that he means the nasty things he says. If you didn’t matter to him, he would not be interested in hurting you. He does it because he loves you and he is terrified of losing you. Paradoxically, he hurts you because that’s his security blanket.”
I know with D, he says he loves me, and tests my love with questions like “what is the most important thing to you in the world?” and “u can only pick one” –god forbid I said “you and my career” (which is the truth, haha) ….I said “you” and he said “good, that’s what I want to hear, that’s really good, because we can really make this work for us”. Then when I said “I miss you already” he said “I like to hear that”. I think it is tru, he always needs to feel love and know that I still mean it and have not changed. BUT it is so damn OBVIOUS!! I put up with all the shit and constantly tell him I love him and miss him!!! Duhhh??? haha. (sorry, no offense to anyone out there, its just so frustrating).
Its really hard to understand. I mean… R we just meant to be punching bags forever?? Always understanding and there for them?? Never question them and make them feel bad about their actions?? They are never there for us!! I really need him right now too, I really miss him. I am very stressed with my current project and it would be a great thing to have a proper bf to come home to -or even just call- to talk things over with and cuddle with. Or at this stage I would even be happy with a text msg… some acknowledgement!! Why can i not have a normal bf??!! –u know, I only see him about 1-3 days at a time, and then he disappears overseas for work (if that is even tru, starting to wonder if he is a pathological liar) and then a month later I see him again for a couple of days. Everytime he sees me he wants to marry me and have kids with me, and tells the world I am his future wife, etc… he says we are perfect together… our story really does sound like a fairytale to the outside world, parallel lives, known each other since we were kids and everything else we bizarely have in common with no one else… but then, as soon as he tells me all these things and opens up, just as quickly he runs away and does not reply to any of my msgs?? It is the weirdest behaviour, changes so quickly, he is Jekyl and Hyde. He is in love one minute, and I am not kidding, he can snap and change into really quiet or angry in hours, even minutes. I really think he is a rapid cycler.
In the last 4 days I have sent 5 texts, and nothing!! The day before he was getting annoyed when I didn’t take him seriously about the marriage and kids stuff he was saying, and the fact that he wanted to make it work btwn us and have me live with him in LA… I think he seriously has rapid cycling, there is no other explanation, other than an evil sociopath that loves to hurt ppl. I think he must treat his mother like this as well. I feel so sorry for her. She moved to the city we live in, just to be near him, and barely ever sees him. Like, maybe 1-2 times a year, if that! Now that he is MIA, I wonder if he is depressed and living in a dark dingy little room balling his eyes out, or if he is living it up –on a high– partying. Who knows?? I wish I had a secret camera attached to head, haha.
Usound just like me, very forgiving as well. Why do we fall for the act? I’m like u, I also feel as though they must mean all the beautiful things they say to us, bc otherwise… why even bother saying them?? I mean u can tell a girl all kinds of things to get her into bed, but u don’t have to make plans to get married and have kids, share ur inner feelings, and say that you have never loved anyone that much in ur life!! Thats a bit over the top and dramatic, a bit too much effort if u ask me.
All of that being said… I am glad I saw him, altho it is not healthy. And thank u for understanding, and being happy for me. everyone else seems to not even want to hear his name, some ppl even seem to have distanced themselves from me (maybe lost respect for me) bc I gave him another chance and again was left behind to pick up the pieces. Everyone keeps warning me, and telling me to stay away from him. Thanks for understanding cleveland, it means a lot. You mentioned that he left, “but he had to”. I thought about that… and u r right. I wish other ppl would understand this as well. Leaving, must be out of their control?? Altho u can never kno wat they are doing REALLY wen they disappear. Luckily ur guy is a little more stable and sends you texts and calls wen he is MIA.
Sometyms I wonder… r they just great actors and love to go around hurting women and being powerful, or are they truly in love and just mentally ill and unable to deal with these feelings?? I constantly waver btwn these two reasons. One minute I think he must be the most evil man on the planet and just takes pleasure in hurting and using women, and the next minute I think he really loves me but just cannot help himself from being the way he is, and I actually feel sorry for him when I think that he must go through severe depressions, if he does?? I only see him wen he is happy. I’ve noticed that he returns on a high always, so in love with me its crazy, so happy to see me, then gets angry or very quiet, then disappears without a word or reply for weeks, then returns again, and the cycle repeats… I am starting to see the pattern, but happens quicker now… especially since he is not on meds or even diagnosed. I am glad that he may be starting to realise that something is not right, and he may be bipolar. After he read the info I emailed him, i think he must have recognised himself. I think I will send him more info, I’m sure he will read it. He recognised that he gets angry, and has been monitoring it. He has not been angry this time around which was a huge thing!! Next he has to recognise that he disappears… I’ll cut and paste that info next email! haha. He won’t listen… but I know for a fact now that he reads all my long emails and texts, and he always remembers random details that I would think he would not remember. I think u r right, I think a spark went off, or the interest would just have not been there. So… how are things with u, and your guy, Duane? Are you seeing him at the moment? How is his behaviour? Also, over time have you been able to recognize a cyclical pattern in his behaviour/moods? I hope all is well for you, and you are both happily and peacefully together at he mo. Look fwd to hearing from u.
I so glad I found this post and comments. I’ve felt so alone and now I’m sitting in the guest room planning my escape. Not really an escape. My bipolar boyfriend knows there’s a chance come morning my dogs and I will be long gone. Yet, if we’re not, it won’t matter.
You see if I stay, he’ll come home happy to see me but then minutes later I’ll say the wrong thing or react the wrong way to his behavior and its off to the dog house I go. Mean words, pepper shakers, garbage cans tossed through the air. And me sitting by straight faced as not to give away my true feelings of total fear.
8 months ago I had no clue the cute smiling guy could ever speak to me the vile things my ears have painfully swallowed.
At first I thought it was my sensitive nature but then I realized it was him. I didn’t have to do much at all. He would supply his own fuel for his out bursts.
I learned he’s not the only one in his family to suffer but he is the only one who won’t go on meds. Meanwhile, I walk on eggshells praying “if I just do this or that” maybe he’ll even out.
I even tried not REACTING to him because I know its just an illness. But like so many who replied to this post – I’m only human. Hell I’m only like him 1 week out of the month when I am pmsing and even then I’m no where near as bad.
So, why am I in the guest room? I think I finally can’t take it anymore. All the patience in the world hasn’t done me one bit of good. I love him dearly but tonight I’m in the guest room waiting for morning so I can finally load my bags to leave like I’ve planned to do so many times before.
The saddest part is he has officially talked himself into believing that I’m the reason I’m always getting upset with him. He doesn’t even remember half the things he says or does to me when he’s in his ‘moods’.
Sorry to ramble but I’m at a major decision point and I’m stuck on to leave or stay. His bipolar is the adolescent type. So, he swings all day long…all day long.
Hello Tattered,
Reading your post… I am just as torn as you -both about your situation and my own!! I try to put myself in your shoes and think what would I do, what do I do??
With a logical mind we both know you should leave. When u think with your heart you want to stay and have hope.
From the outside perspective my answer to you is… you are so strong to see thru all of this and to have gotten to this point, and to have put up with all the abuse up until now.
I think you should leave, and if he comes crying back then you give him the ultimatum while he is on his “high” and in love wit you: “either you get on the meds and see a pdoc, or we cannot be together.” If he does not think he needs one, then you tell him, “well maybe you don’t, but why don’t we both go get tested and just see what they think. It’s the only way to make us work, as one of us is the problem, maybe you, maybe me??” I think putting it out there -the bipolar/meds thing, but not pushing it is the best way to approach it and get them into believing it could be something they need to deal with. With my guy I mentioned it in emails, but never brought it up, then he brought it up out of the blue. Trust me… this is the last guy to admit to smethin like this, he is toooo proud, and often has an inflated ego, or wat I see as a mask of insecurity and fear.
I think u should leave, because if YOU leave… u will not feel as bad as if HE left, and you will always have that. Leave on a high, go out with a bang… at least 4 ur self esteem. I did this, and it made it so much easier to move on, rather than the time he disapeared without a word and did not answer my calls and I was left feeling like a fool and totally devastated. It seems in my experience (altho not long – only since feb) and since readin posts… they always return, so if u think u have made the wrong decision later on, u know he might return.
All of that being said… once I put myself in your shoes… I tell you all of this, but it is EASIER said than done when u truly love someone and believe that you are meant for each other.
If you do not leave and give him a fright… nothing will change. Missing someone u love is so painful, but taking the plunge might be the best decision u ever make. There is always someone else out there that is just as good or better for you… however I do hate it wen ppl tell me this bc altho I kno it is tru at this moment I don’t want to believe it.
Just remember, nothing will change until he is on meds… same for my guy. When he returns I will only be with him if he goes on meds… or at least I hope I go thru with this and am not weak around him, and manipulated by his charm and the love he has for me in the good mood stage. Please let me kno wat u do and tell me the outcome. It may be painful and a long process to get to the place you want to be at… but it could be worth it. Who knows, u might actually get over him in that time or find someone else… that’s what happened to me, I got used to not having him around… and just as I did he returned… and that’s wen u put the ultimatum down. My guy has left me three times now, next time is the big ultimatum… but must be done when they are on their “high” -not just agreeing to doing it, but actually going to the apointment and buying the meds. Actions speak louder than words, and my experiece with my bipolar guy is that he talks a lot of shit and never backs it up with action. Times are a changing… i hope. Best of luck, and pls feel free to write as often as u like
Iam a new mom. New life with my guy of almost 6 years. we have completly changed. I now i flip out on him when it comes to money, or him not paying attention to me, or ;eaving me out… im scared to trust him. im scared to be ME. Im pushing him away and tearing our family apart. but i dont knwo what to do. i dont know how to LET GO of the past and move forward with out looking back. i love him so much and the person i have become… i know is pushing him away and he is distant wont open up…. he says i need to give it my all…. but when i try or even give a little more than i usually do my wall goes up and i back off. I check his phone… his calls. I text him all day just so i know he isnt doing something wrong. thats not normal. My moods switch so quickly…. am i bipolar? do i have generalized anxiety disorder? i panic at times… am i not secure with him or is it myself? Since our daughter i havent been happy. With myself… My daughter is my world and makes me happy. but with out her i feel disgusted with myself…. is this normal after pregnancy? Its hard I can talk to complete strangers but not ppl in my life. I dont want them to look at me different. or think of me as a crazy. Sometimes when we fight i push him to say he doesnt wana be with me… cuz thats how i feel….. i just wana be right. i push and push. i know how to upset him… please help me. i love him i wana be with him… i dont know whats wrong.
Hello Scared, reading your post makes me think that this is probably how my bf thinks and feels most of the time. He always falls so so deeply in love with me, then pushes me away and says hurtful things almost instantly. He cannot get close. I feel he wants to but has no control over it. He even needs to know “for sure” that I love him b4 he disappears and cuts me out… when I say these things he almost seems to be slightly relieved… yet he is the one that pushes me away, cuts me out, disappears for weeks on end!! I am in no way a doctor or specialist on any of this, but I have reason hundreds of posts to help me understand all of this and get me thru the depression and hard times when he leaves each time or gets angry for absolutely no reason.
Please don’t feel as though you are “crazy” -you have a lot to deal with having a new baby. You might be suffering from post partnum depression- this is what it sounds like to me. Did u feel like this and act this way before the baby? before the pregnancy? If not, I am almost certain you would have post natal depression. The signs of depression (behaviour) can be very similar to bipolar. If you have post natal depression you should go and see your GP to get some treatment. You will probably only need treatment for a couple of months while ur hormones rebalance… you have been thru a LOT, you just had a baby!! I know it must be hard, but please try not to give yourself such a hard time. People always go thru hard times when a baby is newly born as there is not much sleep to be had. If you do have bipolar or post natal u must go see a doctor, as treatment is the only way you will feel better and have better control of your moods. A lot of the things u r describing sound very similar to the way my BP bf treats me and behaves, but like I said ur hormones might still be getting over the pregnancy. I wish you lots of strength to get thru this time in your life. Pls go and see someone if you can… u do not need to even tell anyone about it. If you choose to tell ppl though, pls don’t feel as though thye will think you are “crazy”. Bipolar ppl can be a pain in the butt with their mood swings lol, (ie- my bf) but they are by no means “crazy”. Please feel free to write as often as u like.
ok… i will try my best 2 b brief. He waltzed back into my life. I thought I would never see him again. He never called, replied to my emails etc… Then he turned up at my house unannounced!! I had not seen him in 3-4 weeks… he always disappears for 3-6 weeks. He acted like nothing. He again told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids with him. I am moving to LA soon, and he said he wanted me to be with him when I am there. Everything was perfect that night. We went out with my friends, had the best time. In the morning he continued telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day. He also insisted on taking me out to lunch. He borrowed over 100 bucks the night before… only paid me back $20 in the morning. He had sworn it would be different this time and he would pay me back all the money he borrowed last time as well. He didn’t. I did not hear from him for 3-4 weeks last time. This time he is overseas for a while, maybe for good… who knows if i will eva see him again. I cut and paste all these posts by bipolar ppl for him to read… i kno he reads everything i send even tho he does not write back. He will for sure have to see himself in these posts. Anyways… I was ok having no contact. I had called his phone and his roommate had picked up and told me that my guy had been sick all week in bed, sleeping all day and night. This means that after we left each other the last time… he went into a depression. Then his roommate said that he had left his phone at the house, and gone missing for 2-3 days. His phone was going off. There was no sign of him?? His roommate was a little worried. So… this made me believe that he truly was not in contact with me, bc he could not be in the state he was in. But then I was about to leave my friend a msg on fcebk and found that he had left a msg saying he was leaving to LA that day!! Surely enough, his phone is not switched off!! I am OFFICIALLY ANGRY!!!!! SO hurt and angry!!! I was patient and understood if he could not speak or talk to anyone… BUT he took the time to leave my friend a msg and after my 5 very supportive and nice emails…. not ONE word!!!! WHY??? Why so I have to be treated so badly. It’s almost worse than being yelled at… its just complete indifference!! Maybe he really just does not give a shit about me?? Why does he keep coming back?? Why does he tell me he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids with me one day??? And he doesn’t just say it wen he is drunk or trying to get me into bed… he says it when he is sober, and once we have already slept together. I AM SO HURT. I FEEL SO USED. I feel like a fool. I keep believing him everytime he walzes into my life, and each time he does the same thing to me!! He is so convincing tho… i just dont understand why someone would want to purposely go out of their way to hurt someone that has always been good to them?? After the restaurant, I caught the bus to work… this was the last time I saw him… he told me he was leaving to LA the next day, was just waiting for his visa -but he had his passport on him?? Don’t kno if he lied about that?? He said he had a 2nd passport?? … he ended up being in town another week… didn’t even call or email me!! And wen I left him all was perfect!! He were hugging and kissing… and it was beautiful… then nothing!! The only thing I can notice is that he went very quiet. He either gets angry or goes really quiet before disappearing. DOes he mean the things he says about wanting to be with me or not?? DO I move on?? I don;t know if I will ever forget him…
HELLO DENISE-
its been a bit but i have been going through some other things other than the boyfriend. how are things with your d? mine is still in a rutt. i will say though that i talked to his mom tonight and she helped me alot. i guess come to find out his father and him are exactly alike. she talked to me about how she deals with her husband and how hard it was for a while. that over time she had to teach herself that when he gets that way it has nothing to do with her its just how he is. it really helped me out to talk to her. write me back and let me know how things are with yours since i last takled to you.
HELLO TATTERED-
trust me its a very helpful site. there are people all over the world that are going through what you are. you now have a place to come to when no one understands. my boyfriend is BP as well. i will say he has never thrown stuff but he can be hurtful in emotional ways. just be careful. im not saying that i think he would hurt you on purpose but accidents do happen and its hard explaining to family and friends that it was an accident. i really wish you good luck. if you are feeling down and clueless hop on this site cause there is always someone who is willing to listen or give advice-including me
Hello everyone,
I came across this website a couple of months ago and was so happy to find it.. I have been married 20 years and life has had its ups and down. I would say now in hindsight the last five years have been very challenging. the classic line of “walking on eggshells” really applied to me. I have always been a people pleaser and even in my marriage anything to please and anything to keep the peace…. well my husband got diagnosed with bigpolar early this year. This really didn’t come as a total surprise but when the docter tells you that is what it is… it is like “thank you , I have always known something wasn’t right” I am posting this now to see if it registered and then Iwill continue.
it worked… I am back… I guess this website in hindsight has been a great life saver to me.. I realized it has never been about me, it has never been about me not doing enough, not understanding, not following the rules. I was pleased to know something wasn’t right. I was tired of going over “what am I not doing right” funnily enough my friends have been telling me for awhile that I haven’t been doing anything wrong, my husband would get his “bee in a bonnett’ over certain things and continue on and on about them.. My world crashed in early march with his diagnos. we have been on a rollar coaster.. the worst part of it the medication… he would be in tears for hours and than would get agro and verbally abusive towards me over the same certain issues that he was stuck on…. this went on for a few weeks.. he was on medication and it just wasn’t kicking in or working… in the end he has two stays in hospital.. after his first stay things were alot worse when he came home… he couldn’t cope being back into the real world and those closest to him (his immediate family) copped all the short falls…. this was really a hard time.. for the first time in my life, I began getting the shakes and my nerves were frayed always wondering what was around the corner, when it would start up again, I hated being at home and subjected to this and at the same time hated to be away in case self harm happened… I truly believe that it is “trying time” when they are working out their meds and hosp is the best place to be at when this is happening.. I finally got him back into hosp.. he didn’t want to go… and my husband came home last friday after another four weeks… I was more than surprised on his return a calm, rational, alert, reactive person came home to me… before he had lost interest in his exercise, getting up and showered, no correspondence at all, total withdrawal from life and from the famly unit. I suppose the message I am trying to get out there is “get the meds right” and you can get onto a normal life again. I know it is early days yet but I have rekindled the hope of getting on track again.. as far as I am concerned I have learned that you do need to look after your self (eat well, sleep well, socialize) to keep going.. I hope this brings some hope to any readers… if you have any questions let me know I will be happy to anwer them the best way I can… but I guess i am saying hang in there… it that is where you want to be..
Hello Survivor, and thanks so much 4 sharing! I think it gives a lot of ppl hope hearing that it can work. My guy still has to learn/accept that he has bipolar, be officially diagnosed as well, before I can even think about meds. He is slowly opening up to it I think. Just a question… did ur husband used to go missing for long periods of time at any point?? Things are always perfect with us, he talks of marriage, kids and that I am the best thing in the world etc etc… then he disappears for weeks on end and does not reply to any texts or emails… Then he returns as if nothing, and then it happens all over again!! Each time is so hard and each time I wonder if it is the last time! It’s so draining, but I love him so much. I am lost with how to handle this next time he returns… if he does?? Cheers, and thanks again for sharing. I hope to be a “Survivor” as well someday
Hi Denise,
SOrry for the late response, I live in the land of oz so we will have that time difference. I did go to bed last night thinking about your bf going away like he does… I was going to reply that didn’t happen here but I thought abit more about it this morning. P did have a few weekends away last year… no real reason enjoys watching handgliding as well he went away for two weeks to another city. when I think about it now, they were little escapes away for him. For a while he has wanted to move town and at certain stages go away in a caravan around oz or drive trucks. It now makes sense to me that he was looking for an “escape” away, get out away from what he probably saw was getting him down. I kept reminding him you take yourself with you and going anywhere else won’t change that. I do believe to a certain degree that when your bf leaves he must be heading into some “stage” of the illness, they don’t want to be around the ones they love the most. just reread above and yes I have sent txt, letters, emails, and yes often I would get no responses either . I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list.. three years ago I told my husb “things are not right you need help” he bottomed out for two weeks in despression and I was even concerned about his safety… in hindsight now he can say that he was depressed but to reach this stage has taken three years to seek help.. P got diagnosed in Nov last year but did not inform me until march when he decided he couldn’t do it on his own and tried the medication. and the first time round on meds he pulled himself of it… along with this illness can be different disorders like anxiety, compulsive obsessive.. have a quick read on these and see if they tie into anything… P’s mind would be racing around all day and night.. trouble sleeping, trouble relaxing, etc…. the end result became a mood stabilizer, an anti depressant, and an anti – pychotic (to slow down the mind process)… I came across a good book “living with the black dog how to cope when your partner is depresses” by Caroline Carr only 130 pages and a brilliant read… I found it time to proctect myself in a “bubble” get on living and not continue with the total drainage ( and they will take it out of you). Not sure how you go with groups of friends but they really can “hold their there shit together” around other people and change as soon as they have left .. having a quick cuppa.. be back soon.
back again…self preservantion will help you through this… but I would be setting some boundaries though.. I guess being married with kids has kept me here… would I have stayed that long without kids??? not sure and can’t answer that one.. hope this helps abit..
Thanks so much for taking the time to write Survivor. I am also in Oz
My guy is over in the US a lot, back and forth. When he goes away, he completely forgets about me, but wen he comes back he completely acts like nothing happened. I have known him since high school, now we are both working in the same industry. As I had mentioned, weneva he returns he is full force in love with me, talking marriage and kids, and acts like nothing is weird that he dropped off the face of the earth. I usually don’t mention it bc I am just happy he is back and don’t wana push him away.
Last time he went missing he told me he was leaving to the US the next day or 2 later, he was just waiting on his visa. I called him and it rang out, so I knew he still had to be in the country. I text many times -very nice, friendly and supportive texts, and telling him to look into the bipolar thing, and telling him I understood if he needed his space and that I understood that he may be depressed, and to take his time and jut contact me wen he was ready…. but then I got pissed off wen I noticed about 2 weeks later he had not written back to all my nice emails, yet wrote a fcebk msg to a mutual friend of ours saying he was laving to LA. We have both been know to leave msgs on this friends wall… almost just for the other to read, haha… so was in part maybe to let me know??
The last time we saw each other he had brought it up out of the blue at lunch, “what is that illness you think I have?” I had sent him some links. I told him very briefly and casually about bipolar and he considered it and said “yeah, maybe I do?”. Then I changed the subject because I didn’t want to push it. I was happy with just the initial consideration… especially coming from a typically Aussie guy, haha. I actually think he read all the stuff I sent… it was all stuff about anger bc he was constantly getting abusive and blaming me for things I did not do. Getting angry, REALLY angry, for nothing! So, the last time I saw him he gave me a bit of a speech about how he is no talking to his mother again and does not get angry at her. And how he realises that women need to vent and it is nothing against him. He told me that now instead of getting angry, he thinks about his behaviour, and just sits and zones out while th person talks. Last time was the first time he did not get angry at me once!
I’ve started really realising a pattern… he always returns around the same time each month (does not stay long) and then disappears around the same time also. Before he disappears he always either gets REALLY angry and yells the shit out of me or goes incredibly quiet and introverted.
Anyways, one night recently I was drinking with my flatmate for her goodbye party and she called his phone for fun, as u do when u are drinking, haha… this was 2-3 weeks ago… and his flatmate of all ppl picked up!!! She put on a fake accent (which was quite a crackup! haha) and it turns out that after the last time I saw him he must’ve gone home (he is living on his flatmates couch bc he is moving to the US soon) and he was apparently sick in bed for an entire week sleeping ALL day and night. His flatmate was actually quite worried because he had not seen him for 3 days… he just went missing and left his phone and everything at the house?? Now for him to not have his phone, is HUGE! He cannot live without it! He probably left it behind bc he could not handle my texts?? Now, he was NOT sick when I saw him last (not even a bit!) and as soon as he left me and went home he was!!?? That just proved to me that he was depressed in bed for a week after all the mania of being SO IN LOVE with me, and then had to pretend to his flatmate that he was sick. Then wen he could not handle it anymore, or keep up the lie about being sick, he must have left to someone elses place probably?? or maybe even got a hotel?? He is in US now, his phone is switched off.
Anyways… just thought I would share since I have a bit of time 2day
I might check out that book it sounds helpful. The thing is that, my guy nver shows anything but his mania/happy side to me, then goes missing just before or as the depression hits.
I think u r right about wen he disappears he goes into some stage of the illness…. the depression from wat I am guessing and does not want to be around me, can’t stand me at that point, but also can’t stand me seeing him like that I guess. I think you said it perfectly about the emails etc…
“I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list…” Sometimes I feel like this myself when I have gotten into a deep depression wen he has left without a word, when everything was great and I had no explanation. I was so drained and tired and could not be bothered dealing with anyone who called me or came by, was too much effort to I blocked out the world for a couple of weeks. I felt as though everything was useless and too much effort, I even lost pleasure in my hobbies and work, everything, almost thought dying was a better option… this is so unlike me!! I was so depressed about him leaving… its hard to imagine that this was only the 2nd major depression I have had in my life, and that ppl with bipolar have to go through that all the time!! Must be very difficult for you with your husband, but I think u have the right mentalty… its so true, u have to look after yourself, bc if u do not, no one else will…. especially not the person with bipolar. Thanks for reading, sorry its so long. Have a nice day.
ps- sorry about all the typos, lol
Hey all. Sorry for the long absence. Wasn’t sure what I’d do. I did not leave. I am still with him. And he is still very much bipolar. Ironic thing is he thinks one of his friends is bipolar. He explained the highs and lows to me. And I was like “You just described yourself” He got mad. Told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I let it go but inside its eating me up. He’s making me physically ill.
I tried the “No, meds, no me” solution but by then he’d already took back saying anything was wrong with him at all. Even though I had him admit it to me during one of his talking rampages.
Before I forget, I wanted to thank you all for the welcome. I feel like I’m trapped in a small room with a madman. Its nice to let out some of my fears on here.
Denise: I don’t know how you do it. I know in my heart if mine left I would move on. Or in this case if I left I would not look back. I have to travel for work. It is so peaceful. I get around my bf and my whole body functions off key. My only breaks from him is when he is at work. I dread the weekends. Its like you always have to be one step ahead of how he’s going to react so you don’t get him going. It sucks when he’s happy and and sucks when he’s not. Rarily do I get to catch him in the middle.
I would find me a nice guy if I were you. And when he comes back…well be unavailable. Why should he get help if he still has comforts waiting for him in old familiar places? And for all the things you’ve done for him, he shows little respect for you. It made my heart sink to read that he couldn’t answer not one of your emails yet left a message on facebook for some else???? Seems like he only has time for you when his mood can handle it. Try to date again….anything to keep your mind off hoping he’ll return to stay. His pattern is set in stone until he breaks. You’ve done enough.
As for me, I continue to pray for the right thing to do. It will take a act of God for my bf to get better. And an ever greater one to keep me with him in the end.
I am going away for work (insert HUGE smile here) in a week. I’ll be gone for about 2 months. He will be able to come visit me but doubt he will. I will use this time to meditate and give my body/mind time to heal from the constant tension of being around him.
He’s not a monster. A monster just borrows his body from time to time and he’s too weak to say no. Funny thing is, tonight he said he thinks I’m the one who is bipolar…and he’s right. I have to work hard to keep my emotions in check. Have to let my temper inwardly simmer down less I scream at the top of my lungs “You are frickin out of your mind. Take a pill any pill. Just give me a break already”.
How long does it take for some one to recognize they are bipolar? Why can’t it be the same as smelling your own bad breathe and popping a mint. I mean what’s the fear that if you admit you are bipolar that people are going to think you’re crazy???????? All I know is the people who love you the most are the very ones who suffer the most. Coworkers, every day people you pass by get your good side. Yet, when you come home to us, the monster gets to come out and play.
Okay, I’m just rambling now. I’m tired and really don’t want to go to bed. Don’t want to be near him. Its like he wins. I know he’s sick. I know he’ll explode again. And I’ll sit there while he tries to make it seem like I’m the one with the problem. Its like watching some tell you that you broke some thing even though you just saw them break it with your own two eyes…..
denise you were right-it has been back and forth since we have gotten back together-evry other day he is telling me we would be happier apart but he wasnt breaking up with me-today is our one year anniversary and i got a text from him that said me would be happier apart so i asked him if we were breaking up? and he replied with the same text” i think we would be happier apart” so i text him back and said that i was gonna take that as a yes and he didnt responf except with a do you have anything else to say? so i let him have it and told him how good of a person i am and that i hate waking up everyday wondering if he was still gonna be in my life or not-some of the things i said sounded mean but they were just straight forward-then he snds me a text back thanking me for being a bitch and that he wsnt breaking up with me he just wanted to talk about our problems like i have asked him to in the past and tells me that now after seeing the way i acted it is over. what the fuck? pardon my language but i am so confused?! what else was i suppposed to think? he didnt tell me other wise? and now because i lost my cool once (we have never had a fight) he wants to end it? doesnt he even think about my feelings and how much it hurt to hear him say that and not dipute it-especially on our anniversary. i have always been understanding and caring even when some of the things he has said were very hurtful-im so upset right now-very pissed off-it just seems like he needed an excuse to end it and now he has one-he hurt me i struck back instead of taking like always and he didnt like it so he dumped my ass-i asked him if this is really what he wanted/ if we were really over again he didnt respond-i can’t haddle the mind games-please give me your advice-anyones cause i am lost….
Thanks for your support Tattered. Yes, it is hard wen I see him leave messages for everyone else, yet not me. Especially after all my loving and supportive emails. Yes it is tru some of them were regarding “bipolar” and how he should seek help. But always as a suggestions or “maybe” and always with respect. Last tym I saw him we were perfect, holding each other tenderly and kissing, in the sun, happy… then I got on a bus and have not heard from him ever again…. only thru messages he leaves my friends on facebook. I am so deeply hurt. Why would he always have to come back and intentionally hurt me, thats wat it feels like right now. He tells me I am the one and he wants to marry me and have kids with me…. then nothing!! Not a word?? Could he be a sociopath and not bipolar?? I am confused. Why would someone want to purposely hurt someone that gives them nothing but love and understanding? It is a sick game. I want to move on, I am trying my hardest and keeping busy with friends and my career, but I think about him all day everyday. I have not seen him for almost 2 months now. He is overseas. Wenever he goes overseas he never contacts me, its like he forgets about me, I do not exist. It hurts that I think about him all day everyday, I don’t know how to stop, and stop feeling so used and hurt. I think about him all the time, and he is probably with someone else telling them the same things and has not thought about me once. Sorry about the self pity guys…. i just need to vent this pain. Thanks for reading.
cleveland – wat good timing. I have not been on the page for ages, and you just left a message …. so I am glad to be here for you
I really feel for you right now. I think we both need to realise that this is going to happen again and again and again. As I have said before I am pretty sure your D loves you, mine…. well that is not so sure?? Your guy always seems to come back, and always seems to reply to messages. Mine has been MIA since last tym we left each others side, after a beautiful perfect day together???? ahhhhh. Unlike mine, Duane always replies to your messages, mine wont even give me ONE word!!!! Okay, maybe this time he didn’t…. he might be having a really bad down tho and needs his space. Let it go for a week (i know how hard it is) and then contact again with a simple message about how you are sorry and you misunderstood. That you love him and want to be with him. Give him some time, and yourself…. and then if you still want to be with him (which I am sure u will) spell it out for him Y-E-S I want to be with you and yes I love you. We need to speak to our guys like kids sometimes I think. Just plain and simple english that cannot be misconstrued. I am sure D will be back…. i know how painful it is tho. Every tym they leave… we think that is it!! At least your guy does not leave for as long as mine…. I kno that is not much of a consolation however. I read somewhere that sometimes they purposely find ways to test our love and push us away to see if we really love them and will still be there no matter what. Sometimes they want to break up with us just in case we were going to break up with them!! –even wen there is no signs of a breakup in sight!! Hence- they purposely start fights, blame us for things that clearly don’t exist etc etc…. my D has done this over and over again. I am glad you still voiced your opinions howver… u needed to do that for YOU if anything….VENTING is healthy… even if he didn’t like it. It does sound like he was trying to make you be the one to fuck up (excuse language) so he could have a reason out…. but this is just bc he is in a downward spiral at mo. Its so obvious wat he was trying to do… how frustrating!!! I am not one for advice as I am just as lost…. but I think wait a week or two, and you will see that he will return. I guess we just have to get used to the fact that they set the rules, they come and go as they please if not on meds. I’m pretty sure he will return tho… he always does. Keep busy, focus on u and your goals and dreams in the meantime. I know it is hard, always here if u need to vent… x
ps- still no word from D, he writes to our mutual friends, and has not even had the decency to write to me. I know I need to move on, but no matter wat I do I just cant! I think about him 24/7 and I feel so hurt and used. I wish i knew if he meant anything of wat he says, or if he just use me?? it makes me cry, just the thought of how stupid I have been to fall for his words….
hey cleveland, hows it all going? hope things are working out for the 2 of you
I have still not heard one word from my guy. While he is away it is outta sight, outta mind as far as i am concerned. I think this time that’s really it! I don’t think I am goin to hear from him again… it makes me really sad. He is off in LA partying with friends, and even talked to a good mutual friend of ours over msn… yet has not replied to any of my msgs. Maybe he was just using me for sex and to steal my rent money?? Who knows?? I just wish I would stop thinking about him. I wish I had never met him. The good times were not worth the pain. I feel so used. How can someone be so cruel as to lie about such things as marriage and kids and moving in together… just fo sex?? Wat an awful thing to do. Anyways, I guess its over now, I just have to face it and live with the pain. I am always such a trusting person, I think this has changed me. I don’t believe in love anymore. People seem to only mean it wen they are in the moment… then use the excuse that things change or ppl grow apart… well… that’s just not good enough. I guess we are all meant to be alone. I really do wish that there was a thing such as eternal love, but I have yet to see it, especially in our generation. No one ever stays together long nowadays and ppl always lie and cheat. What a world we live in! Sorry to blab on… just having a hard day. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I was lied to and he never meant a word of what he said. What a fool to believe in love! Thank god for friends and family, careers and hobbies. Hope alls well, chat soon 
hi im a husband and my gf s got Bipolar .
v hav been together for now almost 7months and v wer plannin to get married but suddenly, she has to change her job due to relocation and she finding it really hard to find a new job, and on top of that i got sum unexpected finanacial crisis …. she got really stresed
and asked me she needs more time to think bout marriage again,
and now she is askin me to hav temperory casual relationship coz she is gettin too stressed out of this relationship.
before i used to c her everyday now she juz wanna c me once a week, and she says i giv her too stress so she rather hangs out with her mates
she is been on the medication on and off, coz its hard to force BP patient to take his/her medication
i think i m loosing her i love her so much she is my life
i dont knw wot to do and how to deal with her
h smith x
Just back off and she will come to you.
I did everything right with my guy… took all the advice I read… I backed off the second time and I even sent an apology (even tho it was not my fault) by email… and he ended up returning… for 2 days. This time he has disappeared for a little over 2 months. I wrote to him about how he needed to get some help, that he “could” have bipolar. I told him I would back off, but I would always be there for him when he was ready. I had him understand that I understand how he feels when he needs his space and when he is high and low, etc etc…. I gave him his space, and he did not return. I have tried everything!! He now went overseas. Outta sight, outta mind I am to him. He is the love of my life and I never think I will ever see him again. We have mutual friends from high school and the industry we both work in, so I might hear gossip every now and then. But I am coming to terms with the fact that he has gone for good and does not care about me. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate, we talked about marriage and kids very seriously – him being the one who brought it up all the time… everything was perfect when he disappeared, we did not have a fight or anything. I still cannot completely come to terms with the facts. How can someone love so strong and passionately, think the world of you, make plans to be with you long term…. and then just suddenly for no reason stop caring about you altogether?? If I died tomorrow I doubt he would even bother coming to my funeral.. and we have known each other since we were 14!! How can love just turn into nothingness?? I just makes me so sad. I miss him so much and can do nothing about it. Last time I wrote I was angry and told him it was so mean of him to ignore all my emails, calls and texts… yet still email and call our mutual friend who is a girl (one of my best friends) he once had something with many years ago in high school. He knows I will hear about it and takes great joy in hurting me!! I ended that email with… “that’s it!” -So, being as proud as he is I will never hear from him again. I think he enjoys hurting ppl and does it often. I see girls that he adds to his facebook page, and a couple of weeks later they are deleted… the way I was. Why was I another victim. I really thought I would be different than the others to him… after all we have known each other since high school and have all these amazing connections in our past. He made such a bog deal out of it all… it was obviously all a big act. I feel so foolish. I never put my heart on the line, and the first time I did I get zapped. I think he is also a compulsive liar. Do a lot of bipolar people compulsively lie? MY friend knows someone who is bipolar and a compulsive liar, like my guy, he lies about the most obvious things that he is OBVIOUSLY going to get caught for!!!?? I think it must be out of their control?? I also think my guy is a sociopath?? He seems to reel women in (like myself) fill them with promises of a future together and eternal love, and then leaves them for no apparent reason and never talks to them again. How many other hearts has he shattered before and after mine I wonder?? Even though he is not good for me… I still can’t help it that I miss him and love him. I wonder if I should write to him and ask him how he is?? …well I know I shouldn’t… I need to be strong.
-I often wonder and ask myself, why do we put ourselves through it? The pain is enormous and the benefits, if any, are short lived. Again, why do we put up with it. For the posters who’s BP spouses disappears for days, weeks and months, have you guys ever considered maybe your spouse is seeing someone else. I was with my BP spouse on and off for 3 years. When we first met, she was upfront about her diagnosis, and informed me that she suffered from major depression. 2 years down the line, she confessed that the doctors were saying she’s Bipolar, although i suspect she may have been diagnosed with this many years before her and i met but choose to tell me 2 years into the relationship. The relationship was a rocky ride, even though she would see her therapist 3-4x per week, sometimes more. The treatment regiment included medication on a trial basis for at most, 2 months. But it was discontinued due to side effects. Although my now ex BP spouse was in therapy practically her whole life, she suddenly stopped going about 4 months ago stating she did not need it anymore. In the past 4 months, i have forked over thousands of dollars to help her stay afloat with the bills, and make other, unnecessary purchases (including a $600 cell phone, she had just purchased a new one a few months earlier). In hindsight, she probably started to spend reckless, as, she for the most part, always had money to pay the bills. Yesterday, I found out, by the luck of god i guess, that she’s been sleeping with my bestfriend. Of the 8x she called after the bestfriend confided in me and the 5 messages she left (i never picked up my phone), no apology was offered up. In fact, the first few voice messages made it seem as though, I was not being an adult for avoiding her calls and I was misinformed by the friend. Again my question, what are the benefits? What is the point? Why put up with it? I put up with all this for 3 years. The last few months, i have been in therapy and on medication because of the anxiety/depression I feel due to dealing with her mood swings. Prior to this woman, i was by all accounts a very happy and satisfied person. After yesterday, I said, no more. I am done, it’s time for me to be selfish. It will not be easy, let me point that out but i have to salvage whatever self respect i have left. Oh and I should put in a side note, I think she’s planning on packing up with her kid to move to Chicago with my former friend. And I think they’ve talked about marriage. What have I done to deserve this? I gave 3 years of my life. This year was by far the worst. First year was great, second year, things started to falter and this year, after trying to leave her on two separate occasions, she threatened suicide. Enough is Enough!
I am so glad i saw this website…wow “confused” we seem to be having the same luck with our partners. I have been dealing with mine for five years and have finally filed for divorce. With mine i’ve dealt with him stealing from me, lying, not working, sex websites, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, ect… i could go on forever. I recently had to realize i wil loose my sanity if i remain with this guy. It so sad because I really loved this guy but come to find out he is not who i met at first….It’s nice to read through so many of these stories because until now i thought i was going crazy. It helps to know i am not alone….
Thanks for your comment Elizabeth. Your description fits my guy/ex guy perfectly. Stealing, lying, not working, gambling, drinking, drugs, cheating, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, disappearing, never supportive, never there when I need a shoulder, and the list goes on. Altho we have known each other since high school, we only went out for about… well who knows… 2 weeks initially, before the first disappearing act. Then a couple of months, more off than on however. I was EXTREMELY heartbroken, I still am. He literally just used me for sex and I am just coming to terms with it!! MARRY ME he says… have kids with me he says… then he disappears, ignores all contact, yet slaps me in the face by writing to our mutual friend so I can see. I think he finds pleasure in knowing I hurt. I have been sooo heartbroken words cannot describe it. Then this week I have been thinking exactly what you thought…. “I love him so much, but he is not the person I met”. I would never have fallen in love with the person he is now that’s for sure! We always hold on to those good times, but the truth is… after a while there are more bad times than good times to remember, more pain than pleasure. And although his and my story is very romantic and fairytale-like… it is just a story. I need to keep telling myself these things. What you said really struck a chord and made me realize that I MUST stay away, not wait around, not pursue. Even if he is better one day… there will always be moments when he is not ok, and is abusive. One person said it perfectly…. “run for the hills”. I must not be stubborn with myself, I should take advice form ppl who have been there, married etc. It is very hard falling out of love, it is like getting off a drug… but with time I know that the feeling and feenin for him will disappear. Its just hard until then. Thanks again… ur words were so well put.
Hey Denise
Listen, I understand all of what you are saying about how hard it is to fall out of love. Especially, when you can remember the good times you had with that person and you know what your right…mine was also so beautiful at the beginning. I think what makes it hard for me is that the whole way through my intuition told me something was wrong when he started doing odd things and there were inconsistencies. Sad thing i became lost with how chaotic he was that i just didn’t pay attention to myself. I have had to start seeing a counselor because at times i felt like the pain in my heart from knowing i have to stay away from him would kill me. The best thing i think you can do is take care of yourself because we get left with scars we did not come in to the relationship with. All we can do is take it day by day and i’m sure with time the wounds will heal.
Wow, you have told my story. I have married the same man twice and I have pushed him away and gotten divorced.
I have been with my husband for 11 years. We were both really young when we started going together. I loved him so much, that I wanted to fix him. He was so attached to me then, and now, that he says I’m the only one he can talk to and let in. When he was 18 yrs old, he threatend to commit suicide, and told me I was the only one who saved him from it. From then on, I’ve felt resoponsible to take care of him. We had our fist daughter when I was 18. Every year has been a struggle. Usually he is more normal than not, but when he starts to feel depressed, or insecure, I can feel it almost before he can. He can’t let go of things that have happened in the past, and always blames me for it. I love him so much, that I’ve taken this abuse it seems like forever. He sometimes gets physical when I try to get something out of him. He’ll push me away physically, and emotionally. He tells me I’m to blame, and tells me to leave. When I do, he tells me he can’t be without me. I feel bad, and return. I can’t see myself without him. If I leave to do something for myself, I come home and the lights are out. He doesn’t ask me how I’ve been, or what I’ve been doing. He ignores me. Sometimes I don’t do anything for myself, because there’s no point. Just recently I knew he was going to have a episode. I could feel it days before it happened. I tried to talk to him, and tried to get him to let me in, but he wouldn’t. He told me he needed to find himself, and that he didn’t want me. He was growing away from me. I told him I didn’t want to leave, because I knew after a couple of days of fighting, and staying up all night talking about his feelings, and how because I’ve hurt him in the past, and it’s all my fault for him not being able to trust anyone, that it would be ok. Because he would get over it, I would forgive him, and we’ld move on. Instead he insisted, and told me I was a lazy b—ch, and didn’t do anything for my family. I took our girls, and left. That night he came to find me. When we got back home he told me he was going to take revenge on me. He was going to take my kids. After hours of fighting with, he told me that he was having feelings for another woman, and didn’t know how to deal with them. I was sympathetic to his “male” feelings, and told him it was normal to be attracted to someone else, but not to act on it. I let my feelings get in the way, and told him I didn’t like it. I told him he needed to delete her from his facebook. He did, and then cried and told me it was my fault, and that he was going to be embarrased. After two days of not sleeping, and finally told him I believed nothing happened with this girl. I gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him, and in an instance he felt better. Now he is happy. After about 4 days of this, he was happy in a second. I still feel like it’s all my fault. All I want to do is protect him. I’m very lucky, because he’s normal most of the time. I know he’s bipolar, but he doesn’t think he has a problem, and he’ll probably never be diagnosed. Help Me, I don’t want to lose him to this!!
Oh my God, have you guys read the stuff you are saying? All i gather from the posts are hurt and pain. Lives filled with misery. It is seeping through the pages, Again, I ask, why do we stay? I walked down this dark path for a year, as when you’re with them, you do walk the path and it’s been hell. We have been separated for 3 weeks, only 3 weeks. We have spoken 2x in a month period and ya know what, while I’m mourning the ‘loss’ of the relationship, I feel a sense of life being pumped back into me. This pain will pass, this I know but am so grateful that i got a “get out of jail free” card. She cheated and left, I had a reason to walk away and not look back. I had a reason to leave without guilt or remorse. I am no longer on antidepressants and my anxiety has subsided immensely. Why? Because I no longer have to second guess what day or hour I’m going to have. For example, will I be greeted with the “I love yous” and smiles or will today be “i hate you” and the blame and the uncertainty. I no longer deal with that. I have done an inventory of my life, reflected on this past relationship and had a million questions to ask myself. In particular, why would I allow myself to be treated in such a way? How low did i set the bar for myself, do i not deserve happiness? Dawn, you speak of him being “normal” most of the times but yet go on to mention but nonchalantly dismiss the fact that this person you “don’t want to lose” and “love” called you a “lazy b–ch”. He expressed feelings for another woman and “blamed” you for him deleting her from his myspace page. Are you kidding me??? You said you feel as though you’ve taken this “abuse” and it seems like “forever”. Your words not mine Dawn. What are you losing if you decided to give this up? “abuse” “blame” him getting “physical” and you being “ignored”. Dawn, it seems like I’m coming off heavy and maybe I am. I have to some extent walked in your shoes. My rollercoaster ride was 2 and a half years not 11 but I know about the blaming and the feeling of being ignored and the abuse. I feel as though my spirit has been broken and I’ve been robbed of my very soul. I am picking up the pieces but I’m truly asking, why do we stay?
Thank you for that. Sometimes the real truth hurts, but opens the mind. I’m glad to be able to write how I feel with so many others that feel the same way who have had the same experiences, and who deal with them in so many different ways. I’ve been with him so long that I know the cycle so well. I’ve always known there was a problem, but I never quite knew what it was exactly. I believe because I know when it’s going to be worse than normal that I can help him through it and be understanding. I won’t be able to do this for him and be supportive if he cheats on me. Only then will my feelings be truely #1, and even though it may be a part of the desease, I won’t be able to excuse it. Sad ehh. I know he hasn’t done anything like cheating on me, but it’s scarry just the same. I don’t know if he would be in his right mind not to if this other woman had felt the same for him. Tell me…if this is because of the desease, then how could it be excusable. I’m so confused between the truth of all of it, and the chemical imbalance. I’m learning to not take things personally, because I know everything will be fine by the next couple of weeks. Everything will be back to NORMAL, or his mind I might say. Because he hasn’t been diagnosed, and hasn’t actually seen a doctor I’m not sure what to think. All I know is that there is deff. a cycle within our relationship that doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s always him. He is the one always contemplating his life, and in the process, he ends up hurting the one he loves most. The only one that he has let in to his locked gated wall. If he does hurt me by cheating on me, he will most deff. regret it. It still really hurts, and is hard to not take it personally. No one would do that to someone they love if there wasn’t something wrong. In 1 week he’ll be over it, and he’ll tell me he loves me more than anything. I feel so pathetic sometimes like I’m the one with the problem not him. We all have to be strong, and not believe the lies because in fact it’s not really what they are feeling, it’s what their minds are telling them to feel. Deep down inside, beyond the mind and in the soul I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he can’t help it. I’m not sure how long my mind and body will be able to take this, but I won’t give up on him..not yet. He sure found a good one in me, because obviously I can handle a lot of bull s–t. I’m lucky to be the only person who can support him through it, but he’s even luckier to have me by his side, and I won’t abandon him, not after this long.
I appreciate your opinions. Thank you!
So last night my husband comes home late from work, and goes to bed a 7pm. I ask him whats wrong and he says nothing. I express to him that I love him, and I know he’s going to be fine soon, but that I need to get him help. I tell him that even though all of the hurtfull things he’s said to me hurt more than anything, I know not to take them personal, because by next week he’ll be over it. He tells me , I’m completley normal, and I have to deal with this. He says I love you extremely much, but every once and a while I feel like the grass is greener on the other side, and I can’t help but wonder. That’s why I put us through this. Well…..after 2 weeks of finghting, and him kicking me and our two girls out, and then calling me back, and saying he can’t live without me, my body and mind are tired. I said to him,,if your perfectly normal up there and you don’t need my help or anyone else’s, then maybe you should stop breaking my heart, because I’m dying a little each time you do this, then maybe you should go and find that greener pasture. He said ok. I went to sleep. I woke up an hour later to him crying. He had just gotten a phone call on his cell phone from someone he didn’t know, but they knew him. He was crying and being paranoid because he thought seriously that I was trying to set him up. I couldn’t believe the dillusions. I said to him, I don’t know who just called you, I said I’m not sure what kind of a life style you lead anymore, I said I don’t know you. He cried and left. One hour later I wake up and he’s holding me tight, and kissing me and crying. I let him do this partly because I want him to hold me and be ok, and partly because I don’t want to hurt him in this fragile state. When he woke up in the morning he left without saying goodbye. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed yet, but he shows all of the signs. He is probably does not have a severe case, because he doesn’t steal, he doesn’t drink or do drugs, and he is not sexually permiscuss. He just has bad cycles or episodes a couple of times a year where he contemplates his life, and wishes for better. Then he gets emotionall, and it blows right up where he tells me he doesn’t love me, and then a week or two later it’s fine. The confusing part for me is telling wether or not he is truly feeling like the grass is greener, or is it all in his head. Confused. Confused, confused. I told him if he leaves me, then I can’t help him. Since the premises of him leaving is to find someone better in his then me, (which is almost impossible) I don’t know if I would be able to trust he never slept around on me, even though I know he’ll come around. Should I let him go? And begin my life again, or should I support him knowing that it’s just his bipolar. I feel so guilty and alone.
Hi Dawn, it’s me again posting, confused. My heart really goes out to you, it does. As i know, while i had tremendous love for my partner a big part of me knew, i stayed out of guilt. I too said, I can not abandon her. She needs me right now, if i love her, I would stay. Thinking along those lines. At some point after things started to get really bad with us, I started keeping a journal. Recently, i read all my journal entries (a years worth) and was astonished by my words and the theme. Objectively reading my words, i was clearly unhappy, yet I stayed. Oddly enough, the entries had a recurring theme. Much didn’t change in a year, i was complaining about the same thing, over and over and over. Even now that i am no longer in the situation, I didn’t leave of my own conviction (not really anyway) I left because i saw a ‘justifiable’ reason to say, no more. I guess we can always rationalize staying but at what cost? Is it worth it in the end? For many it may be but I have researched this illness to death, have a ton of literature in my house on the very topic and realize, even if i did decide to stay, it wouldn’t be easy. It would be a constant struggle. I am not here to make decisions for anyone, that is a personal choice what a spouse decides to do but I continue to question why we stay. Perhaps my questioning has some to do with me having an undergrad. degree in psychology and a genuine interest in human behavior but I ask, what is it about the spouses that stay? Do we all have similar personality traits? I got off topic a bit but again Dawn, reading your post bleeds my heart. Have you reread your post? and objectively? I don’t know you but do wish you the best.
Hello everyone. Just wanted to get signed on before I write my story. I just read all your posts and its late, I have to work tommarow. I have just recently been through the same thing with a bipolar boyfriend who literally went from being crazy about me, putting his home up for sale (he lives 8hrs away) and bought me a ring….to someone who changed in 2 days (went into depressive state). He became very distant, reserved with me, stopped showing affection and started getting “pissy” and agitated when we talked. This is the man who had become my best friend and was always so sweet and everyweek sending me presents and cards, plus we would be on the phone for hours at a time and saw each other every 2 weeks…untill the depressive state hit him. He was in his mania evidentally for the first 4 months we knew each other.
I knew he was bipolar as he had told me two months into our relationship. Said he took seroquel for it and he was fine. All was well and he was planning his life to be with me. He even told his best friend I was the one and he was in love with me. But unfortunately that all changed overnite.
I am very glad to find y’all (Im from the South! lol) And will post my story soon. I am no longer with him as I had to walk away, but I would like to understand more about why the change happened. I have not talked to him in a month, but as someone said earlier, “the loss of the relationship/friendship” is what I miss, not the illness. I do not wish bipolar on anyone. Nobody deserves this…not those that have it nor us that try to be there to help them.
Take care and goodnight…Mely
I’ve had 2 bipolar boyfriends… one after the other. Never planned this of course, was a complete fluke so-to-speak, haha. I did not want to judge or predict, I had hope, I wanted to give them a chance (us a chance) and not run for the hills based on my past experiences. Anyways, the first one had no clue there was anything wrong with him, the second knew but self medicated with pot bc meds apparently make him into a dribbling zombie. Needless to say… I suffered 2 times in a row, and I don’t know if my heart can ever love or trust again after such betrayals. Both of them said they loved me, I was their world, their soulmate, talked of a future, marriage kids, told all their friends and family and the world that I was the one, were proud to walk around with me, treated me like a queen, etc etc… Everything they said was so convincing, I really felt like they were so in love, and really speaking from the heart and the soul…. and maybe they were at the time. Both relationships lasted 1-2 months, full time, spending everyday, almost all day together. Then both disappeared with no warning, no word. Gone! Never contacted me back. Never answered any of my calls, emails, texts, even wen I poured my heart out and said that I was dying inside. Complete heartlessness. I am a broken woman. I will never love again. I will never be loved again. I will be alone, but that’s ok. Wish u all the best.
Yes you will be loved again Denise. So will I. I have gotten comfortable being alone, maybe too comfortable. So when things like this happen, it hits me harder because I have wondered and hoped for years that the next person I meet will be the last.
This is the first time I have ever known anyone who is bipolar and I wish he would’ve explained to me up front that he had this (it was 2 1/2 months) before I was told. He explained how it all began for him. But in my naiveness I should’ve done research before the first depressive episode began, and asked him how he felt when he went into this depression. His manic side was great and charming, full of energy, ideas, and plans for the future. His depressive side was ice cold, distancing me, and basically making me feel I was no longer important…All within 2 days of telling me he had bought a ring for me and was planning on telling me the L word in person. He remained that way for 4 weeks and that hurt me the most even though I didn’t think I was in love with him yet, but close. Don’t know if he’s come out of that depressive side as I have no way to know.
I am comfortable being alone (don’t like it) but that is why I walked away. I still hurt (not bad) and miss him, but I haven’t called or texted him, nor he me. I do wonder though and could ask his best friend but in a way I don’t want to know right now either.
But you take care, try to stay strong. We will be fine, and just have to be cautious with our hearts in the future.
I wish everyone well! Especially the folks with bipolar on this site. Thank you for any input you can give us into your world.
I suspected my boyfriend of 6 months was possibly bipolar…I knew something wasn’t normal. I have come to my breaking point to figure out his irrational actions and emotions…they just don’t make sense. I feel like i’m going insane and i have become so depressed myself, which is very abnormal for me. I keep thinking he is two different people….one that loves me like I’ve never been loved before and another one that repeatedly stabs a knife into my heart with his words and discare for my feelings…i have been so confused. He is so up and down. I never know what to expect. I have never in my life felt pain in my heart like I have felt with him. I’ve cryed more tears in the last 6 months than in my whole life. But I’ve also experienced the most love i’ve ever felt in my life along with extrordinarily extra good times together..our compatibility is amazing! I keep telling myself thaat the good is worth the pain, but i feel like i’m slowly getting the life sucked out of me. I would just leave this chaos, but I have developed a deep love and care for this person and the thought of leaving him hurts me worse than he does. So that has led me to research and find out what the hell is going on! I looked up basic bipolar symptoms that fit him perfectly, I still wasn’t completely convinced until I came across this website and when i read even the first reply I cryed my eyes out. I could completely relate down to every detail. I’m so glad to know that I’m not going insane and that there could be help for my boyfriend who i love so much. Here is my main question for someone….how should I approach him to get help? I think he might freak out! He is 32 years old. He has mentioned that he thinks somethings wrong with him before, but i am worried about approaching him on the subject. This is all new to me…any suggestions??
I have to say that this blog has opened my eyes up. I have been in love with a bi polar man for 3 and 1/2 years. NOW on top of that he is a married man with two kids. We have had a rollercoaster ride like no other. I have read books after books after books on this and after reading all of this, I guess I was just getting on the merry go round. I ask myself day in and day out what happened with us. You see, he moved away this past summer. It hurt me so bad you can’t imagine. But it really doesn’t seem to effect him although I am not there to see it day in and day out like before. I know he goes in and out of states and I worry about that. He hates his job and where he lives. He blames himself for leaving and rightfully so. I know this whole thing is wrong. I know that I should thank my lucky stars and run as fast as I can. But I just can’t. I don’t know why and it is eating me alive. When he was here it was difficult enough trying to be together. He told me from the get go that he would not divorce. I think I now know why from this blog!! He is afraid. He doesn’t want to be alone and doesn’t know what I will do but knows she will stay with him. At least she has so far although I have to wonder if when the kids are gone she washes her hands of it all. I know he loves me. I am not some silly woman who was used and dumped. I just wish I could do one of two things. Get over him and move on or be with him. After all I see here, I think I am better off moving on as painful as it is. We are trying to be friends throughout all of this but it has been very hard on me. I am on depression meds and anxiety meds. All because of this. Why am I doing this to myself? Would I want him if I could have him? Would I worry he would do the same thing to me he has done to her? (of course he would) All of it I am very aware of. I know I need to run. I know I need to move on. I just can’t take the step and let go. Why Why Why!!!!! Please, if anyone has been here help me. I am at my wits end and it is effecting everything in my life. Trust me, I have tried therapy and what do they say….run!! That doesn’t help. Please, anyone?
I’m new to this website and very relieved to have found it.
I’m 28 years old and dealing with a man about 10 years older who I’m afraid has bipolar. I’m no expert, although I do have a degree in Psychology, and some things are just plain obvious. I never married this man, but we had a child together about 2 years ago. Why??? You would think I would pay more attention to the signs and know when to run, right? Well, it got so bad living with him when I was pregnant that I had anxiety attacks and it wasn’t good for the baby. The toilets were “filthy” even though I’d cleaned them 2 days before, there was a very specific way to do dishes (growing up in my house, you were just happy someone did them, you didn’t dare supervise!) and the list goes on and on… I did and still do love this man — different now than before. He grew up with his dad who was an abusive alcoholic and his mother left before he was 10 because she was scared of his dad. Turns out, she is schizophrenic. So, two strikes against him there. He plays games with me still… doing horrible things like ordering me to get out of the car when all day we’ve planned on going to a party… he says horrible things, like “my ex-wife wasn’t stupid enough to get pregnant” (our baby was a surprise). And I’m like, “no shit! she was smart enough to get out quick!” So, he’ll come back to me, very sincere, and when its good – we are best friends. Then, when things get rough and I start to question the relationship, he will dump me flat on my face and my head will be spinning. I know they say its pointless to argue with a bipolar person, but somethings are just so hurtful, I turn into a witch and say horrible things back to him. Its so hard not to take it personally! Anyway, around the time he and his brother started eating out of trashcans when dad when be on a binge, he turned himself in to a school counselor and they placed him in foster care. He was very fortunate to find a Psychologist who was fostering, and that is the primary reason his career has been a success. The last time he came back, I said it was on the condition that he see a psychiatrist (heck, I am, I need pills to deal with him!). So, he has an appointment in late January and we’ll see if he follows through. I just pray the doctor is skilled enough to read him, because he can easily “switch” around others and be just fine. This week, he’s been cycling and its been bad. I’m pretty sure he’s flirting with a younger girl… which is heartbreaking, but I’m sure she makes him feel good because she isn’t aware of the “dark side”. I just don’t know what to do. He’s an extremely hard worker (sleeps about 5 hours a night on average) and a dedicated father (although very hard on our son and thinks he is manipulative… as a two year old!). How much better can it get with medicine?
First of all I want to say that I have read alot of these posts, and while my sympathy goes out to y’all, its also nice to know that I am not alone.
My situation is a little different because I went into this relationship with eyes wide shut so to speak…I knew that there were some issues but I also closed my eyes to them…it’s also different because bi-polar dissorder is not new to me…I grew up with bi-polar parents so I have dealth with manic depressives my whole life…and the man I spent the last 7 years with has never been diagnosed…but I see the definate signs…periods where he is super hyper, talks a mile a minute, jumps from one subject to the next, is irrational, irritable, paranoid, possessive and obssessive(especially about me)and jealous. This is always followed by 2 or 3 days of deep depression, and a few days of “normalcy”…which never last more than a couple of weeks before the cycle starts again…he is also an alcoholic and it is the alcohol that seems to trigger the mania…it’s like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde…when he is in normalcy he is sweet, charming, a little shy, funny, and interesting…he’s a great guy at those times…the rest of the time he drives me nuts…a couple of times in our relationship he has “cut and run” but came back…a few weeks ago he met a woman at a party…a few days ago he broke up with me…we still live together…but are broke up…he talks to her on the phone daily…he has decided that he needs change, he has to change something, and I seem to be the easiest and most convenient thing to change…drop me and get a new woman that will make it all better…told me he isn’t in love with me anymore(and hasn’t been for a year which I know is a lie)…he broke up with me because his new girl called the house and I told her “I’m his girlfriend can I help you?”…he told her a bunch of lies to cover that…either she believed him or doesn’t care although she did stop calling here he still calls her every day…and yes the pain I am going thru right now is immeasureable…whats worse is that in a single night he goes from sitting on his knees at my feet telling me how sorry he is that he hurt me to grabbing the phone and saying “I’m calling her again I don’t care if it hurts you or not.” and from “Don’t hate me” to “I don’t care if you hate me.”….in the course of minutes…from hugging me to acting as if my hand is on fire if I touch his shoulder…I know dysfunctional with a capitol D…I don’t know what to do at this point because, although I dealt with bi-polar as a child(like I said he hasn’t been diagnosed but…somethin ain’t right)…all my friends are of the kick him to the curb attitude…which would be easy if he were just a jerk…but he isn’t…this is different…it’s overwhelming at times…and while I actually know that I’ll be ok(I have had some experience at picking up broken hearted pieces)I also know that I can’t just abandon ship and leave this kind of a mess behind because it would eat away at me…I am…kind….he is on the edge of wanting to seek treatment, to find out what’s wrong because he realizes that something is…but I think he is also afraid to seek it…I think the trigger to this was me losing my job a couple of months ago…though I get unemployment and am looking for another job…he doesn’t handle stress well…or responsibility…and things began a downward spiral from there…right now I am confused, hurt, lost, and unsure of what to do…on top of all this I know that he has abandonment issues, and while no I don’t think that I am the center of his world I do know that I am fairly important to him…he keeps telling me I am his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose my friendship…when I rationally point out that probably isn’t going to work out well…especially with a new relationship she isn’t going to want him hanging out with his “ex” he gets angry and says well screw her then we have to be friends…I don’t know if he is in some new cycle that will pass or if he really wants me gone…I just don’t know what to do…the ups and downs man will wreck your mind…I wonder if this is typical behavior or a person with bipolar dissorder or if I am letting my childhood with my parents cloud the situation…if I am seeing corrolaries that aren’t there…or if he actually does have issues…I just know that some of the behavior of late makes so little sense…like giving the new girl his home number and telling her to call…like the sudden decision that he doesn’t love me anymore…and the back and forth of wanting me in his life but not in his life but in it in a new capacity…and did I mention that this man, just a few weeks ago, was down on his knees begging me to give him another chance and never to leave him? To go from one extreme to the other so drastically ain’t easy to deal with either…unfortunately I have never been in a “normal” relationship…I was married to an alcoholic before this relationship and obviously there were problems there…so while I have a gage for what seems odd behavior I haven’t one for normal…but reading the posts here I see some similarities…and think maybe, just maybe, I am on the right track.
I went out with a girl who had manic depression. For a month i only ever noticed a few cycles. I thought she was a fantastic, amazing, bright and creative person who was confident and could get along with anyone. We had great times together… She went for a holiday to the other side of the country to visit old friends and decided to move their and told me one week into her holiday.
I jsut found this forum, and am only now starting to come to terms with what I’m up against. Help! Dh has never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure – workaholic, depressed moods, agressive, blaming, angry, easy to flip, usually yells the insults at himself rather than me, as if that’s what I’m thinking, but the temper is all my fault. It’s the things I say or do, it;s all my fault We have a 15 month old and were thinking of another baby, but I’m exhausted. His mother left him at this age so I know it’s tough right now. I;ve been making excuses the 5.5 years we’ve been together. Things have been pretty rough but now they’re getting better, and his behaviour hasn’t changed at all. All my energy is seeping away, and so is my love. He can tell that, that’s partly why he’s pushing so hard just now. He says that he knows I’m going to leave him as everyone does. How do you get them to accept that they need help? Is there anything I can slip into his food, herbally, vitamins, anything to have a rational conversation. We live in his country, and all my support is half way round the world. What if my daughter is the same, what if he behaves like this to her, blames her for anything? I’ve realised that my mother is the same, and I was so busy trying not to be like her, that I ended up with someone like her – what’s wrong with me? I’m not sure that I’m not affected myself, but have just got over PND, without meds. I don’t really know where to turn. We’ve worked so hard to build a life together and a business, but now perhaps I need to walk away from it?
I would like to thank everyone for giving me insight on (Bipolar illness).
I was in a 3 yr relationship with my ex girlfriend was respected, well mannerd ,after the first 1 yr we purchased a home and things was going smoothly but through out the relationship i notice a sense of jealousy and insecurity on her part. arguments would erupt out of the blue, we resolve our problems but within a week the arguments continues. things really got out of hand when she start ed using foul language,anger,lying,and putting me down.i was devastated hurt and confuse after i endure 2 weeks of that she would cry for hours saying she hates her self , she not happy, and not comfortable in her own skin. and one day i came home she had packed up and move in with her sister .i called countless times trying to find a reason of this behavior…after a month of not seeng her or talking , textin her mutual friends told me that she has lost weight , behaving irractionalking acessivly
I think my ex girlfriend is bipolar after doing a online research and reading these post ( SHE EXIBITS THE CHARACTERISTIC OF THE THIS DISORDER TOO A TEE) but she ’s undiagnose :after 3 yrs of living with her she broke it off 2times for no apparent reason and came back crying saying she dont know what she been thinking some of the ex:moodswings,putting me down,drinking excessively,talking excessivly
hi
hi there again
hi everyone…. I have been following this website for awhile now. I have been married 21 years to date…. and still journeying on.. my life unravelled probably four years ago.. the signs??? i guess have always been there.. i have been in a daze for a year now since thebipolar thing came up… I will give you mixed reviews who are looking at this .. i think the medication has a place in this all but the realisation of the illness is something else. My husband has been in five hospitals the last year… some of the best ( in the land of oz) not sure where it all went wrong…is it the lack of grasp he has on the reality of it all? or is the disease so cruel??? as I journey with this.. I am starting to believe that they say what they want to say to the perticular person that they are talking to at that time…. they become so self focused as to where they are at the time….. where are you in this equation???? I am working out that even though you are back bone of the relationship or the “strong” one it really isn’t enough and that doesn’t count.it becomes time to start looking after yourself… as I am starting to do. they unfortunately become totally consumed in who they are and where they are going. Is there a successful end to this??? I am starting to doubt this… I have been the strength. the religous connection in this relationship.I believe in God and all the goodness He brings us… maybe it is time to move on.. maybe there is another reason for my journey…. this illness is cruel………… you need to be strong, focused and accepting……. but sometimes you need more than that… love, affection, compassion…….and the sad part of this story is that i had all of that… I had it all…….. or so I thought before the illness came along ….. looking forward to your repsonse … life is a journey… my latest quote is ” Life can only be understood lookng back… but has to be lived looking forward” God bless you all as you travel forth…. please stay in touch…ms
I am dizzy with all the back and forth in my relationship. We have been together for almost 5 years. She has two sons from a prior relationship and life has been nothing but a roller coaster where I fear that I am bipolar with all that happens.
We have managed to make it through a life threatening operation (hers), a custody battle, her ex husband not paying child support and sometimes I cannot handle it and I explode and have yelled. Honestly I feel like running far away. I am the major breadwinner in the home, the kids are always fighting with her and we have no affection or intimacy any longer. She is always depressed, always saying she is not feeling well and always on – line. If I bring these things up she gets extremely agitated and most recently said she was to leave the relationship. Immediately after saying that she blames me and says I have not respected her throughout the 5 years.
I am feeling I am bipolar with all the confusion and blame. Can anyone comment?
Hi mikal
I feel for you as well… and I understand the bit about second guessing ourselves like are we normal or are we developing something?? the depression is bad when it hits and they can get soooo low and gradually work their way up to an agitated state… that is the cycle I know. my concern would be for the kids as they are being exposed to this rollar coaster ride… is she taking her medication??? I do know they play the blame game and everything is pointed to you… because you are the closest person to them.. I would suggest that you start protecting your self and walk away when the abuse starts.. it really isnt acceptable and maybe this will help break that cycle for you… being honest and getting involved with her doctors is really important… maybe a time in hospital for her could be a proactive move… sorry I can’t help much more than that
I cant believe, I have found this blog.
Im another partner of someone with bipolar and a server anxiety disorder.
me and Kathy have been together for 15 years. the last 4 years have been terrible, with her turning more against me. Day by Day
last week was terrible. one day i am woken from a deep sleep by her screaming in my ear with the latest delution shes having
later that night i am have a migraine attack again shes screaming at me while im having it
a few days ago a spent the whole day making our house nice and sping cleaning.
she wake early afternoon and start screaming at for cleaning house gos on for hours
I can take it no more, I have really everyday. we do have some good days but there rare now.
for once i just wanted her to shut up and stop being nasty to me when I love her so much.
I don’t know what came over me ~I grab her by the neck
i realized what i was doing after a few secs and stop`ed and let go
I just snapped couldn’t take the hatred no more
This set her off again and off she gos to kitchen and get a huge knife and know again threatening to stab her self
I get the knife away from her and hide it, next she bang her head on wall
I put my hands between her head and wall to stop her hurting herself
then she runs and is slamming the cupboard doors trying to rip them off
I try to stop her im still trying to type with one hand
my hand got slammed in door and the end of my middle finger is cut halfway off and finger is swollen to twice its normal size
It was so painful
I lost my temper and slap her round the face twice a
I spend the next two hours bleeding not worrying about my self trying to calm her down.
I hate my self for losing my temper as I love her so much
she was with a partner before that beat her
I know Im not like that but keep thing whats happening to me
I not right i lost my temper and slapped her
after wards for a few day they have been good days but now today she getting nasty again.
like she dose nearly every day she sleeps to afternoon
screams at me for two hours rambles to her self for hours
then barricades herself in the bedroom getting stonned on weed
runs sound at full blast wont let me watch anything ever on tv.
she screams and shouts if I speek to friends or my family one phone
and say I dont want her and wont talk to her.
calms down ushaly by 3am only to start again next day
but she wont speak to me or let me sit with her and locks me out of the bedroom
The doctors are no help, she takes the pills but they dont work
she sees them every two weeks and never tell the truth to them and says shes ok the believe her
if the suss she aint and they want to change pills she screams and cry’s and they give in to her.
If I tell the truth in fount of her to them
there ok, Its me who has to deal with her for her for the next to weeks to the see her again.
The refuse to let me come and see them without her there.
so I can tel them how she really is
every few times we go they change her doctor at the hospital and we start again with a new doctor and get no where
as they dont even bother reading the file from what I can see.
the tv is blazing full blast again as I type
she getting wasted on weed and drinking gees lintus couth mixture thats she addicted too, its opium based
I just love her so much. the sane part says I have to give up and leav
but I just cant I love my wife so so much.
A man at his wits end
alan
hi alan,
soiunds abit like a mess here… how long has been diagnosed with bipolar??? i know my husband has had a huge year trying to get the medication right and stints of being in and out of hospital… the abuse certainly sounds bad and I imagine you have been slowly getting conditioned to this over the years without really knowing what was happening to your wife…. all and all I have come to realize that the abuse is not acceptable.. no matter how much you love the person.. they have to start being accountable for their actions… does she acted ok in front of other friends and family members??? I have been totally honest with the doctors and he is not happy about that either, however to get it fixed or better medicated is really important… I imagine smoking pot certainly doesn’t help the situation… I saw someone the other day and she explained something to me that really made sense… we are at the moment acting two roles… one of partner and another of carer… I guess ideally we need to try and keep those emotions for both sides in check…. i have come to the conclusion that I will no longer get stuck on that broken tape or record playing… is it always the same things she throughs up at you???? it probably is time to walk away in those moments and explain to her I am happy to talk as your husband but you won’t be abusing me verbally anymore….maybe this will break that cycle… I think we get so conditioned to this treatment that we really need to step outside the box and look in… then we would work out that this in not normal… maybe she needs a manditory time in a hospital…to keep her safe and you safe…. every once and a while we need to reconnect with ourselves and make ourselves our priority… this has nothing to do with love… i have been married over twenty years… this is to do with an illness and keeping ourselves well and healthy in the mean time… hope this helps abit…none of us deserve this treatment
I am Bipolar and so is my fiance. I can honestly tell you, it is nothing but a rollercoaster ride through life! We have been together for a year and a half. We notice when each other is cycling. It is wonderful to know that the person you are spending your life with completely understands you. Yes when we are both at our peaks, it is like World War 3. But when one is having a rough time (manic or depressive), the other realizes what they are going through. We have so much compassion, love, and understanding for one another. We both accept how “crazy” each one of us can get. We both see the other person for who they really are, we can see past and through both of our bipolar mess. We have agreed to not have any children of our own. He has two from a previous marriage and I have one from a previous marriage. We know our conditions and limits well enough to know what we can handle in life. We have great relationships with our children and see them often. We are fully committed to eachother. Our life is never boring, you never know what new adventure is ahead. There are extreme highs and extreme lows, but to be with a person on this side of it all, accepting you for everything that you are, your outbursts, and your meltdowns; it is a blessing. We completely even eachother out. We have a world all of our own, like no one elses.
Wow. What a great bunch of posts and honesty.
Not sure how many people are still reading these posts…
I’ve been recently diagnosed with bipolar — but have had symptoms of it for at least 10 years now — diagnosed at first as depression but it seems the meds aggravated the hypomanic/manic states.
I’ve also been married for 4 years and they’ve been great and painful all at once. It’s been really tough for my wife. I’ve been getting counselling, which has helped immensely — and it was the counselling that helped me see there was something deeper going on. I was doing everything right, thinking right, seeking support when needed, fighting off the negative thoughts — but then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression — and other times I’d be feeling fine, creative, clear-headed — and then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression…
My wife’s pregnant with our first child — a simultaneously happy and scary prospect. It’s hard enough managing a marriage with bipolar let alone a family with kids. I’m freaked out by it.
I suppose I want to resonate with others who have bipolar.
But I also want to encourage those who are our partners, because even though we have some psycho-imbalance that we didn’t ask for and even though we can be unpredictable and painful and oftentimes it seems out of our control — we are still responsible for our actions. I am the one who chooses to move my mouth to speak and I am the one who chooses to sit down to work or not to work — my behaviour and my emotional ups and owns are not my wife’s responsibility. I so often want them to be — I want to blame her, I want to point the finger at her, I want to tell her that she just doesn’t understand my pain and should be more patient and caring (I don’t know that she can be — she is a gift to me and tries so hard — she’s amazing).
Yes, I have a disorder, and yes, I’d benefit from showing myself more grace — but I am also responsible for my actions and my wife is worth far more than how I sometimes naturally want to treat her. I chose this marriage and I’m responsible to choose love over hate. Hard? Absolutely. Possible? I think so.
Partners of us: You are worth more than being treated like scum. May the sun shine on your shadowy days and help you see your worth and beauty. I hope the cloudy waters become clearer (not just for you but also for me).
Question for all of you – admittedly I haven’t read ALL the posts (but a large # & haven’t seen this addressed).
My husband is going thru “something” – depression, bipolar, midlife crisis, or has been hiding a horrible person for 30 yrs. I’ve gone to depression, bipolar, & midlife crisis sites. I’ve gotten different opinions for each place (with differing opinions of those suffering from the same illnesses).
He has several aspects (both depression & manic side) of bipolar. However, the way he’s behaving, I’m not totally sure…. I’ll try to be brief, but in doing so, I’m not sure you’ll truly understand the BEFORE & CURRENT him….
BEFORE, he was quiet, to himself, loved his family, financially responsible, never liked crowds/loud noise (unless in a truly open atmosphere – like he can do restaurants, Disney, fairs, fireworks; but no bars, clubs, etc). Would never spend a dime he didn’t have, paid cr card bills in full every month, etc. Comes home every day after work, sees his immediate relatives (some daily due to his job). Stopped by grandmother’s on way to work each morning for water for work, stopped in at least 2-3x per week for lunch. Would never lie to me. If he thought he’d hurt me in any way, he’d be nearly in tears apologizing. Would tell me in cards just how he felt about me – I’ve never had anyone tell me in such heartfelt words. (Now I feel that I should have realized this was still a sign that although he opened up to me more than to anyone ever, he still couldn’t verbally open up to me entirely.)
NOW: LIVING with a stripper – all of a sudden. From what I can tell, he met her 01/30 (while he was still down). He called her 2 days later (& she knew she had him). He lied about where he was for the next 1.5 wks, then left on 02/17 & moved in with her. Bought new clothes. Has taken his excercise bar, a pair of pants & a t-shirt from the house-NOTHING else. Still pays the bills, comes over to check mail, give me money, put fuel in my truck, mow the lawn. Avoiding all family members. Those he must see due to work, it’s in/out, very businessie – no hanging out. Doesn’t stop by g’ma’s in the mornings, might eat lunch 1 every couple of wks, but doesn’t hang out afterwards. Spending money we don’t have ($3000 just last month on bars, clubs, $250 meals, strip joint where this girl “works”. 1st he said he couldn’t be married, needed to be alone, & this would give me “closure” because he knew how this was destroying me & our son (legally my son, but he’s been dad since my son was 5 – he’s now 10). I know he’s called a divorce attny, but don’t know if I’m getting served. He says he still loves me (originally said love wasn’t enough). The elaborate lies he’s been telling since 01/30 are incredible. I would never expect such things to come from him.
HISTORY: Towards the end of 2008, I saw depression come on…. Thought it was all financial. The family business that he oversees was loosing money. (It’s a farm, so it isn’t a huge deal, next year, may be better. However, it’s the 1st time since he took over after the uncle he worked with suddenly died 3 yrs ago.) We were living tighter – I home school. I think (now that we’ve talked a little), that my extra stuff (especially my son’s Cub Scouts) took too much of my time from him/family & the Scout clutter all over the place (long story, but no one has helped me in 3 yrs & I have to store everything at my house) didn’t help. HOWEVER, he never said a word.
Since this has all happened, family skelatons have emerged. Some things I had heard, but never knew details.
His mother suffered from depression/anxiety attacks. She was hospitalized when he was 12. His parents divorce 5 yrs earlier & the circumstances of him mothers depression/anxiety are things he’s never dealt with nor gotten over (he stuffed them very deep). His sister has mental health issues – mom’s family believes it’s bipolar. Sis had a “breakdown” when she was 13. Was put on meds, went to therapy. 3 or 4 yrs later, she went to dad’s side who believed that she was “addicted” to meds & took her off everything. Now, she’s 28, has her masters & part way to her PhD, yet lives in a bedroom at grandma’s (dad’s side) with her “girlfriend”, they come out after the grands have gone to bed, & go to bed when the grands get up. Neither works, they pay nothing towards room & board (grand’s fault), she quit college (but let the family continue to send her money for school, housing, & vehicle & just lived it up instead of going to school).
Mom’s family understands mental health & knows help is needed. Dad’s family enables.
Christmas of 2007, my husband had a panic attack as we were driving 1000 to visit my family for the holidays. Back then, I didn’t know what it was. Had I known & had I know his mom had a 2-yr struggle with them, I may have seen things differently.
I don’t know where to go with all this. People think I’m crazy for not leaving him already, but like someone else posted, I LOVE this man. If he’s ill, how could I ever turn my back on him.
I just don’t know if he’s ill. I don’t know if he could be ill, but still function (so far) at work, have the wherewithall to pay our bills (which may stop once he sees how much supporting 2 lives costs per month – he takes home roughly $4000/mo; it costs $3400 to run our house. He’s going to have to start removing money in savings to keep up. He’s already gotten some kind of ticket that he has to go to court for (if it were speeding, he’d take the class & it wouldn’t be on record). He says he still loves me & I believe him. I know he loves our son.
I continue telling him I love him, I know he’s going thru “something”, that I and our son will be here waiting for him.
I know this is long & I know I’m leaving stuff out… It’s so hard.
If anyone can give me insight as to whether you think this “could be” bipolar, I’d appreciate it.
Thank you.
I have bi polar. i am so grateful for coming across this webiste. i can see in what you are writing i do or did to my girlfriend. it has opened my eyes alot.
being bipolar is like dating your soul mate and also your worst enemy. i dont understand why i do half the things i do althou i do understand some.. i hate this disease. i can not take medication due to my past. i can not take medication cause basically i can not be trusted with it. being with a bipolar is like going out with some one that completly contradicts everthing i wanted her there but i didnt. trust when im depressed was very hard. i feel so. sorry and regretful for what i put her thru. she was and still is the love of my life. and i ruined it. im not looking for sympathy. nor do i expect it.
Dear Katrina,
thank you for your honesty.
Yours is the best explanation for what I have experienced. If you read this please reply to me. I had a wonderful relationship with the man I believed was my soul mate and the love of my life. Out of the blue, he brought a woman home to his place. When I reacted with understandable jealousy, he called the police to get me away from his house. Now whenever I call he threatens to get a restraining order. I know he would probably follow through, so I can’t contact him. What do I do? He had told me he loved me on that very day.
I know he takes lithium, but he had been drinking. Could a bipolar person do this to the woman he is supposedly in love with?
Please reply.
Josie
hey josie.
it sounds like he is manic. and apart of being manic is hypersexuality. i have never done it with my ex. i did however done it with my other ex. i slept with her told her i loved her when i did not then slept with a number of people in the same night (something i am not proud of) but he is cheating on you maybes cause of that. HOWEVER it is no no excuse for doing that. and yes he could do that to some one he loves. but when a bi – polar is having a “cycle” they love no one else more than them selves. it is a very very very selfish disorder.
you need to think. would you deal with that if he did not have bi polar? would you stand by him?
It has been 2 months since my last post, a bit of an update…he moved out and right in with the new woman he met…he has been slowly coming to get his things…tells me now “I love you but it changed, it isn’t the same.”…sent me one email that was hateful and angry and then another apologizing and being nice…he has brief moments where I “see” the “real” him, then he turns right back into this cold, hard hearted person he has become…he freaks out if I touch him, as if I am a leper…tells me “I can’t allow you to touch me because it could lead to something else and I don’t want that.”…sends me somewhat mixed signals…I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…he signed his last email to me “Your friend”…and mind you we have been lovers for 7 years…this was literally a sudden departure…he met her a couple of weeks before…then tortured me with her for a week while he lived here…then tricked me into taking him to meet her…I of course confronted her, she didn’t care obviously, and he moved in with her…he literally went from our bed in the morning to hers in the afternoon…and I can not make any sense at all of it…because people don’t just do that, they don’t move from one life to another so quickly…found out he is missing time off of work…alot…since he moved in with her(she lost her job btw)…
It’s like living in a Pink Floyd movie, where everything is surreal and makes no tangible sense…he tells me “Why can’t you just accept it and move on?”…but I have a really hard time just saying “Well, that’s ok” after 7 years…I can not wrap my mind around a person just falling out of love with one and into love with another so fast…although he has never said he loved her, and at one point said “I am gonna use her and break her heart”…
Worst of all, there is this part of me that feels as if he is manipulating me somehow…as if this is all part of some very wierd mind game(which he was never above playing, he is a big control freak)…and I swear he knows exactly what buttons to push to keep me a little bit on a string while still torturing me….
I wonder, have any of you in relationships with bipolar people felt, at times, as if it were a love/hat thing? Like they both adored you, and yet at times really enjoyed hurting you, and manipulating your emotions until you didn’t quite know which way to turn?
Of course my friends still say kick him to the curb, but I learned a long time ago that you don’t just quit on someone because they have issues, even when they quit on you….I would really, REALLY appreciate some insite on the potential emotional manipulation thing though…because right now I am floundering in the wind and I don’t know if I am right, or just nuts…but I have had for awhile this sinking feeling in my stomach that something is very, very wrong here.
And one more question, do bipolar people, when in a manic phase, “use” their partners emotions to their own advantage? As in, say they know what hurts them emotionally, do they use that hurt as a way to manipulate them? And if so, is there a particularly good way to deal with that?
Reply to Going in Circles,
Yes, I believe that bipolar people do use their partners’
emotions to their own advantage. They know what hurts them emotionally and use those points as weapons.
It hit me that my bipolar boyfriend knew the things my ex husband who was abusive, had done and said to me and he would throw it those things back at me.
He knew my husband had pushed me and called me stupid, so he would say, “I’ll push you” or call me “stupid”, which made me wince because I couldn’t believe that this wonderful guy, who said he loved me, would use those very painful things to wound me. I used to think it was his sick sense of humour, but now that he has cut me out of his life, I see it as a sadistic streak. I don’t understand it. I would never do that to anyone. If anyone else knows why someone would do this, please help us to clarify this.
Josie
i can not talk for all bipolar people. i have bipolar. i hate to admit this. when manic i do manipulate. i hate it. i wish i did not do it. i cant at the moment help it. (but cbt is helping me learn how not too) i also have bpd (borderline personality disorder) its really close to bp and apart of that is being so scared of abandonment (most of it is in my head)
my girlfriend just left me. and i am doing that. i am texting her emailing her wanting her still so much. want her to want me for me. kinda of thing ( even tho i know to a degree how hard it is for her) i am being nice. and the next i am being a complete moron. what she does and my mum does when i manipulate is they dont take it. they just dont. ignore me. tell me what im doing. my mum more than her drew boundries. the cruel to be kind aproach. i may throw a tantrum. but soon calm down. and when im calm they tell me. or should tell me what i done wrong. how it made me feel. be honest. my mum done that to me today.
I dont know why i manipulate. because im scared that they dont like me? cause its like a train wreck in my head. once a thought pops up it hard to stop it. for years i did not realise i done it. it has only took till now that i do.
http://dailystrength.org/c/Family-and-Friends-of-Bipolar/support-group
this website is a lot of help.
its helping me to realise how i effect people.
Dear Katrina,
Yes, I would have stood by him, if I had known his behaviour was due to bipolar disorder. I didn’t know then.
I am just piecing it all together from the fact that he told me he took lithium, had electroconvulsive shock therapy and saw a therapist once a week or every two weeks at the Mental Health Association. I know that none of his relationships have lasted very long. He told me of all the things that were wrong with those women. I figured I was different, that he wouldn’t dump me, but I was wrong.
The way he dumped me, by calling the cops and threatening me with a restraining order, which entails 10 years in prison, if breached, is the most frightening thing to me. I am having post traumatic stress disorder over this. I wake up thinking about it and I obsess all day long about it. I just wish I could talk to him rationally to get some closure, but I can’t. He won’t let me.
Do you think there’s a chance that he might contact me once he gets out his manic feeling?
Is there a chance that he still loves me like he said he did?
Is the guy I fell in love with hidden in there, behind his illness?
Please help. I am desperate.
Josie
nine times out of ten manics will come back full of shame and guilt. they do feel sorry. well i do. yes he is still there. he needs to understand that he can not drink with meds. is he even still taking them? cause it sounds like he stopped. he will/maybe still love you (i cant speak for him) as i said before. a bp who is manic only loves them selves. it is a very selfish disorder.
go on this forum. it has helped me realise what a moron i can be.helped me understand the real pain i can pass out to my mum and my ex. the people on there can give you better advise than i can. i can only give you from my point of view. the people on the forum have been thru it. can teach you ways of how to be with a bipolar if he or you decides to get back together
http://dailystrength.org/c/Family-and-Friends-of-Bipolar/support-group
Dear Katrina,
Thank you for helping me understand. You sound like a great person. Despite your illness, your soul shines through and that’s all that matters. You know, if people love you, they love you in spite of an illness. I know I am like that. If I know someone is ill, it doesn’t matter. It’s the person I love. People cannot be duplicated. God made each one of us special and unique and nobody else can replace us. I just wish that my boyfriend would understand that concept. No one person is replaceable by somebody else. We are unique. God bless you Katrina! And may all you be blessed with success, happiness and love!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Josie
Thanks for the replies so far…much appreciated…and man Josie do I know what you mean about closure…I too wake up thinking about it and obsess on it daily…and I know the reason why I do(and you probably as well)is that it makes no logical sense…but a bipolar friend told me “That’s the problem, it won’t make logical sense because a manic person is not logical. They are ruled by their own mind, they are selfish and heartless in that phase. That hate themselves for it when they crash, but when they are manic they don’t give a crap.”…
To me, it is like seeing 2, maybe 3, distinctly different people…one who is a charming and sensitive man, another who is petty and mean, and a third who thinks he is some kind of king who can walk over anyone he wants to…and 1 of those “people” in him adores me, another does love me, and the third one(the one he has been these last couple of months)gets some wierd sadistic pleasure from hurting me and ripping me apart emotionally…it isn’t the first time he has stepped on my heart…but it is the hardest that he has ever stepped on it….and though he tells me to let go…he also drops little mixed signals at me…things that, dammit I KNOW he knows, will keep me hanging on the line just enough to keep a crack in my door…
Little things, like the comment about “I can’t hug you because it would lead to something more” or “I really did love you” or “I still love you but it’s different now” or even “Don’t hate me, I never want to lose your friendship.”…
I think that maybe a big issue with partners of people with bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder(which I think he might also have)is that they get into their partners head…my father(bipolar)is a certified genius…and I have never met a person with bipolar disorder that wasn’t of above average intelligence…and though I am also of above average intelligence…I can see how, once they get “into your mind” it’s very hard to get them out…and it’s strange…but I think that my now former partner might know me well enough to actually know how to predict and counteract my reactions to things…in other words, they may know how to hurt us, but at the same time how to push the limit while coming in just under the wire…another friend said “He doesn’t want you to stop loving him because, if you did, that would hurt his ego. But he does want to see just how close he can push the limit without pushing you completely away.” …it makes sense, because each time he does something like this he takes it a little further, he plays a little harder, and wrecks me a little more than he did the time before…and then he slips back in a little bit at a time…
And the sad thing is that I recognize this, and yet I still “play the game”…because I don’t know how to just put down the ball…yes, I love him, with all my heart…but as my bipolar friend also told me “We know how to make someone absolutely adore us. And some of us will find that person who will and embed into their heart. Then we push every button they have to see how strong that love is.”
And all of this makes me wonder…for I am not a person who easily trusts…and yet here is this man who has lied to me, cheated on me, and I believe manipulated me quite a bit…and I still don’t know if all of what is going on right now is part of a huge mind game on his part…a way to, no other way to put it, control me by breaking my heart…a part of me thinks “No one would do that” while another part of me thinks “This man would do almost anything to keep me under his thumb, even leave me.”…
Before all of this started, he told me a couple of times “You’re going to leave me, you’ll think I’m a loser and you’ll leave me.”…and I told him “I love you, I’d never leave you because that would break both of our hearts.”….and he is very fully aware of just how much this has and is hurting me…but I wonder, and that’s the reason for my questions about manipulation, would a bipolar person leave their partner, push them away, break their heart, even try to “break” them, and use the love that they know that person has for them, as a way to manipulate them? Or to break them down? And how does one recognize this, stop the rollercoaster and say, with all assurance, “I know what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work”…or is there even a way to do that at all?
The biggest problem being that, strange as it sounds…with fairly minimal contact…thruout this breakup, he really seems to be the one who holds the aces up his sleeve…and every time I get to where I can breathe a bit, and get my frame of mind right, he subtley says or does something that pushes my buttons….two times in all of this have I seen him show any sign of emotion that seemed real…and that emotion was anger…the rest of the time he has shown an almost disturbing lack of emotion about it all…and both of those times the anger was in response to something said by a male friend of mine that he doesn’t particularly like.
If I seem torn, it’s because I am. And I have read alot of posts on here and seen some rather eerie similarities. I guess that I am just hoping that, between reading and asking, I might find some answers, because he seems to basically either sidestep my questions, or give me answers that are evasive at best.
hey josie.
my gf just could not handle being with a bp i guess. i dont blame her for it.
thanks for that
hey going,
maybe he is saying those things to hurt you cause he is hurting. pushing you away and hurting you before you hurt him. even tho its cause of the bi-polar you are hurting in the first place.
Yes bi-polars are manipulative. but you HAVE to set boundries. leave him to cool off. let him come to you. what i have read most bi-polars when going thru an episode do a runner for a bit. (i dont. not with my ex. i pushed her till she cracked)
you said he might have BPD. a major major bad point to that is being petrified of abandonment! so him hurting you before you can hurt him. sounds really effed up but its what i do/ have done in the past.
i dont know if all bi polars do this. but i wake up in the morning too and i obsess over my ex. i want her to know how sorry i am for hurting her like i did. i want to see her because it was the bipolar part of me that done that! she says too much damage has been done. and i hate that. i hate it cause i know deep down its true. and that i want to repair it. but what i done was so bad that i dont know where to start. or where i can start. its so frustrating because i know i have bi polar its pretty hard to ignore. but frustrates me cause i dont want to be like this. and i wonder how many more people i am going to hurt/lives i am going to destroy.
My dear Katrina,
Thank you for your advice.
It’s been three months and he hasn’t attempted to contact me.
How long do you think his silence can last?
Right now it feels as if he will never come back.
I don’t understand how he can totally cut me off and then still go to the local pub every day and function in other ways.
I miss him and love him.
I wish I could know how long an episode like this can last for him. When will he realize I’m still there waiting and that maybe he still loves me like he did before he suddenly cut me off.
Josie
Thanks for the insight Katrina…
I can see the push me away before I hurt him part…because he was almost obssessive over thinking i would “figure out he’s a loser and leave”…especially when he started facing legal troubles…and I know that he knows he hurt me because he has told me that he does and he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to but he “needed change”…the thing that makes this, to me, so unbelievable is the fact that he was so obsessive over never losing me…always telling me never to leave him, worried that something would happen to me(as in that I would die), even to the point of telling friends he didn’t want to “piss her off and make her leave me”…so for him to go from, well, for lack of a better word, almost obsessive about me, to feeling nothing at all for me, to the point that he treats me now as if I am a leper…its like one extreme to another and so suddenly…
And for what it’s worth…you know the best advice I can give you about your own ex is to just be a friend to the best of your ability…because when you love a person with issues believe me, it takes ALOT to push that person away…love is not something that dies easily, but we do have our “protective armor” that, sometimes, we have to throw up to keep our own self from crumbling…
Example, this man has hurt me deeply, he has abandoned me(and he knows that I myself have abandonment issues from childhood)broken my heart, “replaced” me with another woman who, kind of eerily, bears a little resemblance to me physically, moved out of our home and into hers, has cheated on me more than once, has gone back and forth between me and a couple of his exes…and yet I would still give almost anything if he would just come back and try to work things out….but he won’t because he is determined that he and I are “done” and he needs to start a new life with the new girl because “I still love you, but it’s different now.”…and he knows that I still very deeply love him.
Of course, for me, there is that fear that he found his dream girl and they will live a life of wine and roses, which seems to me so unfair because, although I admit I got really mad at him and yelled alot when he jumped off the boat on me this time, for the most part I really have been the best friend he has had for many years. Not only because he told me I was, but because I know his friends and, well, most of them tell me I must be on a mission from god to stand by him like I have.
When you are with a person like him…sometimes you feel like nothing you do is ever enough. One night you cook an awesome meal and they tell you its wonderful…a week later you cook the same meal and they complain about it. One night you are “the best lover I ever had” and the next night “your ok”…and it takes alot of strength, it really does. Your ex might have enough strength Katrina, but I don’t know. You told me to give him time to cool, that probably also goes for your own ex…and it might take some time…it might never happen, but I know you know if not then it wasn’t meant to be.
I believe in soul mates, and I believe(always have)that he is mine…I know that, if he doesn’t come back, I’ll be ok…very sad for some time, but eventually, ok…
I wish that I knew how to let him know that I understand him alot better than he thinks that I do, and that I won’t abandon him, without giving him more power to hurt me, but that is a very tricky thing to do…right now I am being casual, just “a buddy”, trying to not be the hurt me that I was when he first went AWOL on me, but rather to be the sunny, optimistic person that I usually am…letting him know that I am moving on and finding interest in new people, while still letting him know that my friendship isn’t going anywhere…I don’t know if it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, but at this point it’s the only thing that I know to do, to both avoid pushing him away and to avoid giving him anything to hurt me with…it might sound strange but he has before told me “it’s over” only to apologize in an hour and tell me “I don’t ever want to lose you.”…it took him meeting a new girl to decide he did indeed want to lose me…but I know that one way he has, in the past, manipulated me, is by taking away something he knows I truly love…himself.
And I think Katrina that you are on the right road btw…because you do know the consequenses of your actions, and also because you have genuine remorse for them…and believe me that speaks volumes for your character…accepting our own issues, and being willing to make attempts to better ourselves, even with serious issues such as bipolar…makes a huge difference ultimately.
Thank you again
Dear Going in Circles,
I feel exactly like you do. At least you can still talk with him and get some idea of what is going on.
My boyfriend has cut me off completely, threatening me with a restraining order if I should ever call, write or email him. I guess that’s his way of making sure he doesn’t have to ever see me or talk to me. It is so cruel and so painful. This is the guy that was calling me two or three times a day and telling me he loved me. He and I were making plans to do things together the very day he called the police to get me off his property.
He is not seeing anyone as far as I know, although he does go out to the pub every day and I am sure he’s looking for someone else.
As far as your boyfriend having a life of wine and roses with the other girl, it will only last until he does the same thing to her that he did to you. I can’t believe that he won’t repeat the same pattern. It’s bound to happen and he will devastate her life too.
I feel the same way as you do about it though, even though rationally I know it can’t be true. For three months I have been beating myself up mentally, about the way I look, the way I am as a person, thinking that if I only looked or acted a certain way, he would still be with me. But I don’t think it’s about us at all.
Just like you, I would love to know when my boyfriend is coming back to me. It has been the longest three months of my life without him. I have been depressed and unable to live the way I did before he came into my life. I fell head over heels in love with this guy. He knew it. He told me he felt the same way.
Josie
dear going.
thank you for that. i know that i pushed her too far. im not sure why. maybe its cause i did not realise the effect it had on her. or my mum for that matter sound stupid now. but i did not. i am starting to realise things i do. like for instance i got really frustrated at my friends today cause i was thought i said a full story to them. but infact i just said two words. i asked them if i have always done that and they said yes. i asked my mum to be brutelly honest with me as she is going thru seperation with her bf as he does not understand bipolar and when im really bad with it i need my mum and she was and for once in the whole memory i did not take it personally i listened and empathised and talked instead of shouting and screaming and saying awful nasty things. im also learning that when im not going thru a cycle that i need to carry on consistanly with the cbt (i cant take meds) that the people surrounding me needs support as much as i do. i think im pretty sure i have fully accepted i have this disease that it is apart of me not something seperate. that i have always had it from being a child and its not going to disapear over night how much i want it too. i only realise i realised this earlier. but i also know that i cant change the past. i only hope that one day i can sit down with my ex and explain all of this for her. try and help her to understand how very sorry i am for this. putting her thru this.
I do know that the life of wine and roses thing is all in my mind…believe me…sometimes he is like a kid, or adolescent better word…he’s very rough and can be very clingy one minute then very cold the next…he can be the most unreasonable human being that I swear I have ever met…he can say one thing and then forget he said it and say something else, and get mad at me for “misunderstanding”…he would often accuse me of cheating on him…or tell me I was looking for someone else…always telling me “You’re going to leave me.”….he went back and forth between me and his ex for some time as well…he is like 2 sides of a coin…and frankly, though I am sure she has seen mostly his charming side, I do know that most women could not deal with what he will put one thru…especially not just a few short months after meeting him…remember they met and moved in together within a few weeks…and he can be very overwhelming…
As for being able to communicate with him…that isn’t always a lot of help…because he is a master of mixed signals…and the more I know, the less I know it seems…at this point I think there is maybe a 50/50 chance he’ll be back…because he has left me and come back before…because he knows that I accept him and love him not despite of his quirks but also because of them…but he might not come back because of the pain he did cause me…and because he met her…I don’t know…
There’s this song…it goes “And I’ve done everything I know to try and make you mine, and I think I’m gonna miss you for a long, long time.”…and it really fits…because even when they are around, we still miss parts of them.
And Katrina…time can be a great mender…and we never know what tomorrow holds…but you seem to have strength and I do know that helps.
And one more thing…there’s a small part of me that tells me to just cut my losses and walk away completely…and yet a bigger part of me that tells me not to…to stick around because I do love him and he’s gonna need a true friend at some point…and I don’t quite know which part to listen to…the stick around part seems to prevail…but then we have a long history…and it’s hard to walk away from so many years.
dear going.
what you said about how your ex treat you. is exactly what my ex said i treat her like. the communication massivly so. i find it hard to talk to people when im not right cause i have “rushing” thoughts where il be thinking a million things at once. its confusing and frustrating. but no excuse. it was just with her tho. with my mum too. its like. i can only pick out certain words of the convo. its like. i think i said summit when i didnt and it comes out ALL wrong.
Yeah, I think he does that too.
There is one significant difference in him leaving this time and before…this time he got caught in his lies…and he can’t really lie his way out of it…not just by me, but by his ex as well…which is why I’m not sure if he’ll come back…I know he has alot of guilt…he knows he hurt me badly this time…but he also knows I’m very forgiving…he went between being angry with me for “telling” his new girl about his lies, to telling me he doesn’t blame me for it because he hurt me so badly.
He knows that I have forgiven him(I have a forgiving nature)…I told him I still believe he is my soulmate(and I do)
It’s strange, I’m rather lost without him…and I guess I don’t understand how he isn’t lost without me…but I guess that’s just the way it goes.
try dealing with someone whom is bi polar,narcis., bpd now thats something
Are you sure we’re not talking about the same person?
The guy who dropped me callously without ever calling me again for three months may have had both bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder.
He is into sports cars and everything he has or does or whomever he has in his life has to be important or beautiful. The most beautiful of course.
I am so hurt I guess because of the way he cut me out of his life. By calling the police when I showed up at his place. I’m not even allowed to call him or email or whatever because he has threatened a restraining order against me. This after he had been the one pursuing me and calling me endlessly and telling me he loved me.
I feel so sick about it.
When I see him now, if I ever do, he pretends he doesn’t see me. It’s crazy.
What do you think?
I totally agree with the very 1st lady that posted…She said, “Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.” I didn’t no anyone else felt that way. I have been diagonosed with severe depression, borderline personality disorder, anixety, and bipolar 1. As I speak, I am currently having a “episode” I feel the feeling of hatred. I don’t trust men. I believe all men cheat given the right time and the right chance. Nobody will ever change my way of thinking about that. I have been in 2 relationships. The 1st guy I met when I was 18. After 3 years together we had a baby girl. We were together a total of 5 years. He had alot of head problems as well. I feel I really didn’t have any problems until I met him. I was young and impressionable. I had had a extremley difficult childhood, with a mother who I felt never wanted me. Always pushing me off to the side. Choosing men over me. Giving me up to the state when I was 12. Had me in numerous group homes and foster homes. Shortly after I met him, he started to slowly abuse me. First verbally with his paranoia and accusations. Then, slowly beating me physically. I remember the 1st time he hurt me. He slapped me across the face which stunned me. I started to cry. Not because of the pain, but because his actions hurt . He then told me to stop crying. Placed his hand over my nose and mouth. Held me in his room for an hour in fear of me telling on him. After that the beatings were frequent. He later got SSI for having mental illness. I feel that he created a monster in me. That I was ruined forever. That no one could ever want me after what he did to me. He pushed me over the edge til I snapped. He really did a number on me. After 5 years I left him. I met someone 3 months later. After knowing this new guy for 1 month I moved to FL with him. I was so messed up in my head, that I felt that I needed an escape so bad. I felt that I needed superman to save me. As soon as I moved outta state with this new guy, he started beating me too. It happened within’ days of being in my new location. I thought my ex had beat me bad. I didn’t know what a beating was til I was with this guy. He had mentally, physcially, and emotionally abused me. He broke my nose twice, choked me out, broke stuff over my face, left bruises on me all the time, cut off all my hair, drilled a hole in my leg, and among many more things. He also made me stop working due to his jealousy and to keep a close eye on me. I never ever cheated. I was so loyal and good to him. He would hurt me so bad mentally, that I would walk around for days like a zombie. Feeling no emotion at all. Every chance I got to be alone was a chance to kill myself. I ended up in a mental hospital for 4 days. I ended up leaving him after 2 years. I met him at 23 years old and am now 26. I had taken my last punch from him. The last time he hit me was a severe blow to my ribs, leaving knuckle bruise marks. I am now on disability for bi-polar. I just want people to know that no matter how much you love somebody, you cant make them love u back. Love is deaf, dumb, and blind. This is a part of my favorite scripture in the bible…. 1 Corinthians 13. Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous it does not brag does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for it’s own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Now… there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Even though this verse says love is long-suffering I know it’s not talking about staying with someone that beats you. I just want people to know that it is NEVER ever a good idea to stay with someone that beats you. No matter how much you think you love him or vise versa. If I can leave a relationship like this, you can leave too. Life is to short to be unhappy.
HELLO EVERYONE
THIS IS GOING TO BE A LENGHTY STORY…SORRY
ABOUT IN THE YEAR 2002 I MET THIS MAN. HE HAD HIS OWN
BUSINESS. THE MOST LOVING AND FUN TO BE AROUND,ALMOST A FAIRYTALE (THAT SHOULD HAD BEEN THE FIRST SIGN), ALSO HE HAD NO FRIENDS (ANOTHER SIGN).I TOOK MY TIME TO GET TO KNOW 1 YEAR (WE WERE
TOGETHER FOR 6 YEARS). DURING THE DATING PROCESS
I NOTICE EXCESSIVE DRINKING (ANOTHER SIGN). NOW I DIDN’T GROW UP AROUND EXCESSIVE DRINKERS NOR ALCOHOLICS. IN THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND YEAR, I MOVED IN. STILL HE WAS A LOVING AND CARING MAN. IN THE START OF THE THIRD YEAR. I STARTED FINDING OUT FROM HIM AND HIS MOTHER, FAMILY SECRETS THAT HAPPENED 30 YEARS AGO ( THESE PEOPLE HOLD GRUDGES).
THEN ONE NIGHT AFTER HIS HEAVY DRINKING, THE FOLLOWING MORING HE DECIDES TO CALL ALL RELATIVES OF HIS AND REVEAL THE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED THAT 30 YEARS AGO. THE INCIDENT IS THAT HE CAUGHT HIS DAD SLEEPING WITH HIS MOMS SISTER. I TRIED TO STOP HIM, BUT COULD NOT PREVAIL. HIS MOM HAD DONE SOME STRANGE THIS ALSO (WOW LOOK AT THESE SIGNS). NOW HIS RELATIVES DO NOT TALK TO HIM.THERE WAS A TIME THAT HE TRIED TO KILL US, BY DRIVING THE CAR OVER AN ENBANKMENT. THANK GOD FOR GUARDRAIL (SIGN, SIGN, SIGN) ANOTHER TIME HE LEFT ME 30 MILES AWAY FROM HOME, AFTER I PUMPED GAS INTO THE CAR (I HAD TO CALL A FRIEND TO PICK ME UP. LOOK AT ALL THESE SIGNS. BUT YOU SEE I GREW UP IN AN AREA THAT PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND CARING SO I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT BIPOLAR WAS. I GUEST PEOPLE WERE JUST TO BUSY,SO IT WAS NOT IN MY FACE.
THEN HE HIRED A GIRL AT HIS BUSINESS, AND I STARTED TO NOTICE HE STARTED TO BECOME HER. WHAT I MEAN HE TOOK ON HERE PERSONALITY. WHAT EVERY SHE LIKE, HE LIKE. WHAT EVERY FOOD SHE EAT , HE HATE, JUST WATCHING HIM BECOME HER WAS BIZARRE. HE STARTED TO NEGLECT ME. BUT WITH HIM AND HER IT WAS HE JUST WANTED HER PERSONALITY. THEN I LOOK BACK AND HE DID THE SAME TO ME. I WOULD TELL HIM SOME OF THE FUNNY THINGS I DID. AND THEN HE AND I WOULD GO OUT WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS AND HE WOULD TELL THE SAME STORY, ONLY TO SAY HE DID IT WITH MORE DETAILS.
SIGN,SIGN,SIGN,ETC). THEN THE GIRL HE HIRED HAD A FALLOUT 1 1/2 YEARS AFTER EMPLOYMENT. AFTER SHE LEFT HE BECAME ME AGAIN. 1 YEAR LATER HE HIRED ANOTHER GIRL AND THE SAME THING.
THEN CAME THE EPI’S (EPISODES)
HE WOULD ACUSE ME OF LOOKING AT SOMEONE, WHEN I WAS READING A BOOK AT HOME YET. HE WOULD SAY OUT OF THE CLEAR-BLUE “WHAT DID I DO THAT”, I WOULD SAY WHAT, HE WOULD SAY”YOU KNOW WHAT(NOT TELLING ME WHAT I DID). HE WOULD TRY TO SET ME OFF IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, SO THEY WOULD THINK I WAS CRAZY OR HAD ANGER ISSUES. THEN I WOULD GET THE SILENT TREATMENT. THERE WAS A TIME WE DIDN’T TALK FOR 4 MONTHS NOT KNOWING WHAT I DID. HE WOULD ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING, AND WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM NO, I DIDN’T, HE BECAME EVEN MORE ANGRY. THE ONLY TIME HE GOT PHYSICAL IS WHEN, I STOPPED ARGUING WITH AND KEPT QUITE,HE THRU A GLASS BOTLE OF CATSUP AT ME( I DID WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY “WHICH IS NOT TO ARGUE BACK, WELL YOU SEE WERE THAT GOT ME).
I WENT TO HIS MOM FOR HELP(SHE IS IN DENIAL, BECAUSE BLOOD IS THICKER THEN WHAT) AND SHE SAYS I’M THE PROBLEM. NOW THATS F**KUP. HE ALSO PLAYED ME AGAINST HER AND VICE VERSA, SO INTERVENTION COULDN’T BE DONE.
AFTER 2 YEARS OF THIS I LEFT FOR 3-4 MONTHS.
THEN WE STARTED TO TALK, BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO KNOW I DIDN’T MOVE ON. HE MANIPULATED ME TO COME BACK(WRONG,WRONG). THINGS WERE FIND FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS. AND THEN THE WORST THING HE DID WAS DONE.
AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK I CAME HOME AND FOUND HIM HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE. EVEN AFTER HE NOTICED ME HE KEPT GOING. AND THIS IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER OF THIS HORRID BOOK OF MY LIFE.
WOW,NOONE DESERVES THAT.I SEE IT IN MY GIRLS EYES WHEN SHE IS MANIC AND ANGRY,AND I KNOW HOW BITTER SHE CAN GET,AND THE RETALLIATION SHE CAN MUSTER UP. YOUR GOOD PEOPLE,GET AWAY,AND STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO COULD DO THIS TO YOU! GOOD LUCK,AND ALL THE BEST,
Although I am not with my bipolar ex, we broke up about 6 months ago and have spoken a handful of times since then (very brief conversations), i still check this site from time to time to remind myself that walking away was the best thing i could have done for myself. I wont relive all the stories but you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. There were signs but at the times, we all probably just dismissed it as odd or bizarre and kept it moving. My ex would also excuse me and everyone around her of stealing her things. (paranoia). Everyone else was always the bad guy out to get her and ruin her (paranoia)…
…I remember her telling me a story about being pregnant and got so mad at her husband at the time that she broke glass and cut him with it. (you would think that this would be enough for me to say, laterz). Again, hindsight is 20/20. We were together for a total of 2 and a half years. Things were very rocky and she was quite unstable. I always found in remarkable that it was easy for her to leave her husband of 4 years, together for like 11..only relationship she had at the time to be with me. In fact, her and i met..she divorced and kicked him out the house in under a year. I thought she did it out of love for me. But what person can go from one life to the next so quickly?? That in itself should have said something but again, she loved me. 2 and a half years into the relationship i found out she was carrying on something with a good friend of mine behind my back. I left and never looked back. Last i heard she uprooted out of the town she’s spent all 32 years of her life to be with my friend, across the county, her “soulmate”. Again, moving from one life so quickly to the next. Bizarre!!! She was open with me in the beginning…stated she had major depression, which was later upgraded to bipolar. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was borderline as well. Like one of the posters, she seems to “like” the things the person she’s with likes.
I’m rambling now..but being with her for 2 and a half years..brought on my own anxities (her moods swung so often i never knew what to expect). I went threw a period of depression, was on antidepressants as well as sleeping medications. I discontinued the antidepressants after a month because one, i knew the depression was situational (situation being her) and two, they made me irritable. I had difficulties sleeping, i guess due to being anxious all the time, so i was on the sleeping pills for almost a year. After being away from her completely for six months, i am not longer on the sleeping pills and sleep fine at nights. I miss her terribly (don’t ask why) from time to time. But know going back to that would be death for me. She was very unstable. Oh, and like the poster above mentioned, my ex..i found out through a mutual friend, told them incidents of “bad things” i did to her. for example, threatening suicide when she tried to leave me. Thing is, i never did, she was the one. also telling them that i smacked her one time…funny thing is, i never touched her. she did rough me up once. and all sorts of lies. it was so amazing to me. the levels of her lies and manipulations.
sorry for the long post…just thought i’d share….
Here’s my question for the day…
If a bp guy really had no feelings for his former lover anymore, why would they make it a point to tell that woman, repeatedly, “I really did love you.”? and “I still love you, it’s just different now.”?
I mean, if you really don’t love someone, why bother to even tell them that much?
I have been reading this blog for past 2 weeks. I couldnt believe when i read. Like reading back my life. I couldnt stop crying. Ive been thinking how to condense everything that has happened but i just cant. I miss her today. Her smell. I never knew much about bi polar until she told me. I will admit i shrugged it off in the beginning as i just thought that the way she was been was normal and natural. I am not a jealous person but we all have our insecurities and trust issues and at first i thought it was. I was in so deep and she told me about been abused, self harm and been in rehab. I wasnt scared by any of this nor did i ever judge her like she thought i did. We were on and off in most of our relationship. We broke up about a month ago after 2 years. It was different this time as the trust has gone. She too gets lost in her lies and forgets things she has said. Apologises for pushing me away and saying cruel things bit how much can one person take? I acknowledged that it was a problem i always encouraged her to be positive and made allowances even when i shouldnt have done. I feel so alone. Like i have no one to talk to. I feel like a broken record and at times i would lie to those close to me about some of teh problems because i know what they will say walk away, you deserve better etc but they dont understand, some of them do. the ones that did have been my towers of strength but they not around so much now. I lie to my family. They ask if im ok and i say yes. I havent even told them its over. They dont know the extent of her problem. Im not ashamed but i get upset when people are judgemental because they can never see her the way i do. Everyone says she needs help. Ive always said this and even when i try to help she doesnt see. I keep asking how can i love her so much when she can say mean nasty things to me and disrespect me. She never trusted me and never had any reason not to cos i was still am so in love with her. But i cant have her. I could handle some of her episodes they were tolerable. I felt like i grew to learn some things and knew when to walk away some times. But she pushed pushed me. I dont feel like im myself anymore. I feel sad i used to be so bouncy and positive. Ive been ok in her absence but i feel so weird cos ive never been in this position before. I love her so much but i just dont know whats real. I dont know if that love was ever real at times as she has been so selfish and insensitive. She treats me as the enemy now to make it easier for herself when it was her actions that did this. She feels like im giving up on her but am i? What do you do seriously? She has got better in lots of ways and i acknowledged that but i dont feel like she tried enough to understand the consequences of her actions. I HAVE to think about myself cos i never have before cos i was starting to breakdown again. Its always been about her and it still is cos she continues even now to manipulate every situation. I know she is good i wouldnt still love her otherwise. I see it in her. God no one has ever made my heart beat as fast as she can. It was love alright. Thanks for reading my ramble but i had to vent some of this baggage im carrying.
HERE ARE THE SIGNS THAT I FOUND IN MY BP EX-
1. ALCOHOLISM
2. NO FRIENDS
3. EXCESSIVE DAY DREAMING
4.MANIPULATION
5.ALIENATING PEOPLE FROM EACH TO PREVENT INTERVENTION
6.LYING
7.SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE(UNSAFE SEX)
8.ACCUSING YOU OF WEIRD THINGS
9.SELF MEDICATION
10.CAN NOT SLEEP
11.PUTTING YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU CRY(SENSE OF POWER)
12.BECOMES PEOPLE WHOM SHOW HIM ATTENTION
13.STAYS IN SECULSION
14.MESSY HOUSEKEEPING(AFTER YOU CLEANED UP AFTER HIM
15.BUMBARDS YOU WITH WEIRD THINGS SO YOU CANNOT THINK
16.TRY TO MAKE YOU HIM
17.DON’T EAT PROPERLY
18.AND NOW TAKES DRUGS.
IF I CAN HELP ANYONE HERE PLEASE LET ME KNOW!
I have been with my wife for about 11yrs. We have been married for 9. In the first year of our relationship I didn’t thing we would make it. She was mad all the time, and had no accountibility for money. She would shop and hide what she bought in her trunk of her car, and back of the closet. She had more pairs of shoes then the shoe dept. at Macy’s.
She then went and got checked out. Her Dr. perscribed effexor. After starting her new meds, a happy, understanding, and responcible person emerged. For the next nine years we had a great marrage, I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. We grew together physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife was married before we met, and had a daughter. She was 1 years old when we met. I have always loved her like she was my own. In 2004 we had a son. We were finally financially secure, and our life looked like it came out of a novel. My wife always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.
About a year and a half ago she started getting mad at everything and becoming depressed all the time. At the time my mother was in our house and probably going to stay for a while. This was depressing to me as well so I just assumed thats what caused it. Then she became more distant, and started hiding her phone. Things got really rocky, but we seemed to get through it. Then I got a call from the wife of her co-worker telling me she had an affair with her husband. Things went downhill, trust was broken, and I didnt know if I could get over it. She begged me not to leave her. She never really reassured me about my importance in her life, so getting over the affair was a long road. Then I found a letter she wrote to herself discribing her love and desire for one of our neighbors. she claimed that she was just trying to get a stupid thoughts out so she could laugh at it and not look back. Yeah right!
Her attitude became worse, to the point all I could think about is leaving her. Then 6 mo. ago she goes to a new Dr. and get diagnosed Bipolar Manic depression. She was put on differant med and was told the Effexor she was on only last for 5-6 years before the body is immune to it. For the nent few weeks everything was back to normal, then it started to slip back. Her meds were up’d four times. Every time it was up’d things were good for a week, then back down.
Now two weeks ago she comes home and sais she is moving out and already put a deposit down on a apartment. She said that she needed to find her own identity. I was understanding and tried to be supportive. Then a few days later she says she doesn’t want to pretend we are still married and doesnt want to touch me or kiss me anymore. Now my whole world is being ripped out from underneath me. Between then and now she has gone from saying she loves me and doesnt want to hurt me, to she hates me, and is lying to everyone that will listen to her. She refuses to get checked out again, or change or add meds. Now I have proof she has feelings for a 21 yr old “punk” that works for her. History is just repeating itself one more time. She got another secret phone, and wants a divorce as fast as possible so she can move on. I can’t fight it anymore. I have tured to her family for help, and they all know she has issues, but still sided with her and turned there backs on me.
Now Im stuck living with a woman thats openlly hates me for the next four weeks until her apartment is ready. Just three weeks ago we were on the couch cuddling laughing, and watching law and Order. She now blames me for everything and belives the lies she is telling eveyone.
Is there a chance of her ever finding her old self?
I forgot one of the most important issues. We are both 39. She only befriends people 25yrs old or younger, and her oldest friendship is may be 6mos. These are the people she confides in, and looks for support, and advice.
Marc,
I have been dealing with a similar issue…the best I can tell you is this…bipolar people do have a tendacy to suddenly need change…mine is undiagnosed but he too jumped out a few weeks ago to go live with someone he had just met and barely knew…she knew about me because I told her but didn’t care…he is living with her now but he doesn’t act altogether happy…it isn’t the first time he has left me…
I was told that he’ll be back, because he finds my presense a comfort, because he has done this sort of thing before and came back to me…at this point I don’t know if he will or not…but mine knows that I know he has issues, and that I accept him not just for the good, but for the bad as well, and that I love him anyway.
I suspect that your wife knows that she can pretty much get away with any behavior with you…and that you will accept her because you know she has issues…you might try this…sit down and write her a little letter, not all full of emotions, but rather simply tell her “Hey, I understand that you need your space, everyone gets to a point where they need to re-evaluate, and I accept that. I love you, but I accept your decision and I hope that we can still remain friends.” and leave it at that…because that isn’t pushing or pressuring, but it also isn’t begging her to come home. She might figure it out soon, it might take her awhile, but there’s probably better than a 50/50 chance she will. In the mean time, find support for yourself(I joined the great support group that Katrina told us about in a post above)…and just take things day by day because I am sure we all know that, with a person who is bipolar or who has issues like this, tomorrow really can bring a drastic change.
I really understand what you’re going through, buddy. I know how hard it is. You ain’t alone either, there’s alot of us in your shoes who keep asking ourselves “Why? What did I do?” but I don’t think that we really did do anything so bad. Nothing bad enough to deserve what we’re dealing with. Just hang in there, and remember, one day at a time.
Oh, one more thing Marc…you have kids…I was the child of 2 bipolar parents and it is ROUGH when you’re a kid in that position…so of course you have to be there for them and that makes it doubly hard…but I have found it can also make it easier too…take the kids places like the movies or out for hot dogs or to the park…it will take all of your minds off of it and it will also give the kids a sense of comfort knowing they have your stability to count on. Let them know that Mom is having a rough time right now but it’ll be ok. And just enjoy them, because you know kids are a gift.
I spoke to her online the other day. I thought it was safe too. I just said hi. Even after the name calling and the things that she said about me why still now do i miss her so terribly? I said i had to go but she asked me to stay and talk to me. I was scared cos she would manipulate me and blame me for talking to her but she said no she wont shout. I tried to explain how nervous i get talking to her cso im so scared shes gonna use it against me and not acknowledge my feelings and that i care. She knows how much she can hurt me. Anyway i had to leave as my friend was coming round and i needed to be with someone cos i felt weak and then she rang and started crying asking why i do this to her and to not be in contact with her. The following day she excessiveyl rang me and blamed me when she promised she wouldnt calling me a head fuck and that i make her worse. She keeps sayign that i make her bi polar worse but i know that i dont i just have to keep telling myself that. I was driving my car when she was ringing i text saying couldnt talk my battery gonna die. Then im in the supermarket. I answer shes screaming at me crying blaming me. She wants me to breakdown, shes blaming me again for her hurt. What about fucking mine?? Says her friends coming together and im just scared what they will think of me because they will know its me thats done this to her. I say fine i really cant be in your life can i? Any sort of communication is ruined and pushing me further away. Granted it was me who say said hello first but she said it was ok. She makes me feel in a safe environment so i talk and then when i do she throws it back in my face. I hate this. I love her. Why do i miss her? I feel like im breaking down all over again. I dont know what to do. Ive never been in situation where relationship has to end for my well being but i miss and love her so much. Im forgetting the nice part of her, the part that loved me. Please help me. Am i really pathetic like she thinks i am?
You aren’t pathetic…she’s trying to control you.
A friend and I were talking about fear and how manipulators use fear to control people…
For example, a person knows that we love them and are afraid of losing them…so they in turn remove themselves from us to hurt us, because by making us scared and hurt, by making us second guess ourselves, they control our mind and, in a wierd since, stop us from moving on…they “leave” us so that we won’t really leave them…it keeps their options open…by confusing us and making us afraid all the time, they keep us in their pocket where no one else can slip in and take us away.
It’s a rather sick and twisted thought…but I could see my friends point because in a way it makes sense.
So no, you aren’t pathetic and she doesn’t really think you are…in all likelihood she is very dependant on you being around for her, but she doesn’t know how to keep you around just by loving you, so instead she turns it into a game where she manipulates your emotions and your mind so that you’ll be to confused to truly leave her.
Thanks Circles,
That makes sense. After the weekends events i agreed to meet her tonight but when i got to wrk this morning i realised i had double booked myself and i couldnt really get out of it as i promised a mate i would see her band with my friend and we bought tickets. Its stupid cos i was looking forward to seeing her as well even though i knew it would probably end badly. Anyway i text asking if i could see her tomorrow instead and that i was really sorry, even said i would try and get out of it but didnt wanna let my friends down as i promised id go. I knew she would go crazy and she did. ” Fuck you i cant believe you done this, you make me ill, you make me worse, i knew you would let me down, and that ive ruined any sort of chance of been in her life etc. She was blaming me for the breakdown in this relationship when i know thats not true. Have to keep telling myself im good and not bad like she says i am. She had me in tears at work again and i felt so stupid cos people just dont understand and everyone asking me whats wrong all the time. I thought i was been reasonable. I could of seen her tomorrow or some other time but in back of my mind i knew she would react like that was just hoping she wouldnt. I didnt wanna stand my friend up cos she been so good to me in all of this and she thought she was been ridiculous so i would of just looked weak if i cancelled on her especially after how nasty and irrational she was been. She said i know how she reacts to been “rejected”. Just feels like everything is “bi polar” now, like im supposed to know how she reacts therefore i must deserve to be treat like shit as a punishment if i “reject” her as she calls it. I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop crying. Its horrible. I cant live with her and cant live without either. She did this to us. I hate her for breaking my heart but i love her. She says sorry for the things she has done so why does she keep dragging me through shit. She doesnt understand at all and made no attempt to understand what it was like for me then and what it is like for me now.
Well honey, she keeps dragging you through shit because she’s sick…it sounds like shes rapid cycling right now(if you don’t know what that term means, google it so you can get an understanding)…and she doesn’t understand because it’s part of her illness and she’s in denial about it…and she knows you love her very well, believe me, by keeping you in chaos you don’t have time to think about anything but her…you go out with your friends, she finds a way to ruin it and make you feel guilty so you won’t have a good time because you’ll be thinking about her…
Right now, I am dealing with a man who I have no doubt loves me, but who is so stuck on a decision he made while manic that he won’t admit he made a mistake, even though it is going to cost him me …and there’s nothing else that I can do or say to him…it doesn’t get through…ane he is will to trade in a relationship and a person that he has spent years with for one that he barely knows…and I look at it this way…if after all these years of loving each other, if he can truly fall in love with someone else literally over night and just walk away from his best friend, then it just wasn’t meant to be and I really do deserve more…
Try to put it in this perspective…if you know in your heart of hearts that you have done your best, then you really can’t do anything else, and you haven’t done anything wrong.
Dear Circles,
Im really sorry to hear that you sound really grounded and understanding. Its weird cos after been in this relationship ive learnt that im stronger and mroe patient than i ever realised but on the other hand i am very weak also. The fact that i keep allowing myself to be in a situation that is bad for me.
I do know in my heart of hearts that i have tried my best. I would of been willing to do couple counselling whatever it took but she wasnt doing enough and she should be going that extra mile after all. I acknowledge that she has an illness but when things go wrong and she calms down she doesnt take responsibility or attempt to understand what has happened or why she has upset me so much. I sympathise with what you said about decision making when manic. Its hard enough to hear things in a manic state and its figuring out whats true and real. That what im struggling with now. Did she ever really love me as much as she said or can she see im a good person, a keeper so to speak. Really not blowing my own trumpet there but im trying to tell myself i am good cos she brings me down with her words and i know my heart is in the right place. People tell me i worry too much and think about other people as apposed to myself. Im a worrier a people pleaser and i think she saw that in me. The chaos theory is so true. I had a health scare couple of weeks back and when i got the all clear i was so relieved just wanted to chill and have a drink with my friend. We seperated at this point but even then she made it about her and how it had been so hard for her (this was before i got the all clear too!) which resulted in her ruining my evening and me in tears. Again.
You do deserve more as do i. Just have to keep tellign ourselves that but what do you do when your heart is still with them and probably always will be? Thanks for your kind words.
Hey the Beatles said “In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”…that’s why we stay, because we love them and love is never a bad thing…do we deserve more? Maybe…but so do they…and this illness isn’t their fault…and because we’re the ones they love the most we’re also the ones that they emotionally beat up…because when you love somebody you expect them to just take it…hang in there…I won’t tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier.
What got easier for you? The relationship or the getting over it? Its really hard to get over a relationship this way because its not “normal” circumstances is it. Its not like the person the person is been a dick as its not their fault but sometimes i find it hard to differentiate the difference between the qualities of the person and the illness. I saw her last night for first time in weeks and we spoke. It was nice but so many unresolved issues and questions in my head but is there any point in answering them as i know the answer. Its the trust and the lies that i struggle with even when things are calm. We ended up sleeping together. The chemistry is still so amazing and intense. It was so amazing but both know we cant go back. Im scared its gonna get thrown back at me though i said that beforehand but who knows. Feel like i should be the strong one in that way as im not cursed with this illness but i cant control my own emotions right now either. Nice Beatles quote by the way. Very fitting.
I found this website a few days ago and have found much comfort in it.
My fiance and I have been together for nearly 13 years. I knew he was bipolar from the outset but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I really ever noticed how this affected him. It wouldn’t manifest itself by him being angry, but rather ignoring me – for days. The first time it happened for 3 days in a row. We’d planned to go out one evening but when he was late I would call and text him, but be completely ignored everytime. It didn’t make sense especially when we were happily talking just a few hours before and looking forward to going out. When he did turn up 3 days later he said that he didn’t realise at the time that he was ignoring me, but then he started to feel bad and seemed full of regret. I forgave him as I was just pleased to have him safe and sound.
He has ignored me for days on ends since then, but these episodes could be 6+ more months apart. However, it’s happening again and I just feel so confused. We live together but since we were having some work done at home I went to stay with my parents for a few days while he went to stay with some friends (his friends, I don’t know them). We called and texted eachother for the first 2 days, then nothing. I asked him if he would be coming back home that night but didn’t get a reply and he never did come home. The only way I knew he was “safe” was by checking his Facebook. He had been happily posting messages there in the past 10 days that he has ignored me. My heart sunk and I thought that was it, we were over. But, this behaviour just wasn’t his style. If we had problems then we’d talk them out and if he wanted it to end I always asked him to give it to me straight and not play games. So, this just doesn’t feel like him at all.
It wasn’t until I found this site and read the comments that I figured that maybe it’s a bipolar episode he’s going through that is making him push me away as it seems to be a common problem. I know he has started drinking alcohol quite a lot lately and takes Prozac for his depression – and I can’t imagine they compliment eachother well. It’s quite out of character for him to be like that as usually he is sensible where alcohol is concerned.
I just need some hope. I have tried calling him but it goes to voicemail, I have texted him but got no reply so I don’t know where to go from here. Again, this is the complete opposite to how he, the man I fell for, would behave so I can’t help think it’s related to his bipolar. For the most part he’s under control, although does get moody/distant sometimes, but never to the point of ignoring me completely for 10 days straight. I keep looking for reasons: did I say or do anything wrong? No, things were fine and completely normal.
Feeling really hurt and hopeless about it. Trying to be strong but sometimes I just break down in disbelief at what is happening.
I also meant to add, I don’t know whether I should continue to pursue him or let him be. The hardest thing is waiting: wondering whether he will call or text me; wondering whether he will come home tonight as if nothing is wrong. That’s usually how his 2-3 day disappearances would end. He would walk in as if nothing was wrong and would be quite surprised at how upset I was for being ignored. Part of me thinks that if I don’t pursue him then he’ll think I don’t care. I want to be here for him, but after 10 days of this emotional turmoil I’m just not sure that I could take it happening again. I’d even take closure, as long as I could get some rest from this constant ache in my heart.
Polly-
I guess time helped me, he’s been gone about 2 months now. It took me awhile to wrap my mind around what happened…this is the man that I believed would never stop loving me…I still believed that the day he left…because I had no real hint that he was going to leave me for someone else…and for all of his issues, that he would move out of my bed and into hers in a day…out of our house and into hers in a couple of weeks…that he would go from wanting to know where I was every minute of the day one day…to not caring where I was and telling me to “Get over it and find someone else” the next…well it’s still not something that I understand…but I see now that it’s an illness, just like cancer or malaria…but this is a lifelong illness that never goes away…and he will always be sick…
This man was willing to trade what he called “The best thing that ever happened to me.” for something that he didn’t even really know…and that’s what made it easier for me…because as I sat here one day the realization hit me, that if he would truly rather work on something that he has had in his life for a whole 8 weeks, than to try and salvage something he has had for 8 years, then it truly is time for me to move on, and ultimately it will be his loss…I know that I have reached my own hand out more than half way…I have forgiven him for lying, cheating, and broken promises…for treating me like a second-hand person…for putting me on the bottom of his totem pole where there might always be someone better that he should persue, just in case the new really might be better than what he already had…and I am kind, and strong, and loving, and arguably the most laid back, easy going, and accepting person in the world…I am willing to work around his issues, help him solve them, willing to have an open relationship if that’s what he needs sexually…and willing to accept him for the good and the bad…and to trust him with my heart…and to just be his friend if thats what he needs…but that’s all I have, that’s as far as I can reach, I can’t extend my hand any further…because I have been as willing to meet his needs as any human being could ever be expected to be…and that is still not enough.
Sam-
In the time since mine has left, I have started finding myself and I tell ya what, he could do alot worse. I remind myself of that every day…and I listen to music about moving on in life…and I accept that it’s just time for me to do just that…move on….I used to be afraid to that mine would think I didn’t care anymore…of course I still do…but you can’t show someone you care who doesn’t want to see it…the best way that you can show them anything at all is to show them your own strength by starting down lifes road WITHOUT them…he might choose to follow you, and he might now…but either way it’s a road that will lead you wherever it is that YOU need to be.
that should say “He might choose to follow you, and he might not”
A wise man somewhere in the posts above said back off and they will come to us…
But now I know whether he comes back or not, it’ll still be ok.
i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.
anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss
i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.
anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss you
Its 4 o clock in the morning again and i cant sleep. I saw her the other day. We went for dinner. I was so calm, tried so hard to be rational and i was, even though im the one who has been betrayed and lied to. The pushing away, the abuse to an extent i could handle and make allowances for but the lies? How can you consistently continue in a relationship without that? Cos even when the manic has subsided you need trust and healthy conversation to overcome the destruction that has just taken place? Anyway i gave her the chance to explain the lies she has told me. I asked her to explain her side of things but she just couldnt and then more lies were told. She panicked when i asked her a question as i think i caught her out. Not intentionally. I said she was making a choice by been the way she was. If she could not at least explain herself instead shes led me to believe that i am right about her lieing to me. She has had so many opportunites, so many in fact to try. What am i doing? She kept trying to change the subject and manipulate. Making about her, straying away from the questions i had. The same old really. Am i insensitive for losing patience even though i know that my feelings will never be equal to hers? Ever? Ive been trying for years. Its been 2 months now since we broke up really. I wish i could sleep. I wish i didnt miss her so much.
I get that warm feeling when I am pushed away. It is hard not to belive it is me, I am forgetful and late and she makes good points. She is smart and remembers everything though some times I question if her representation of the past isant a little skewed in her favor I love her with all my heart and I just want us to be happy but how? It is a battle I always new you had to fight for what you want but I never thought it would be this hard
I met my fiance 8 months ago. He was the most loving and supportive and kind person I have ever been involved with. After knowing him for about a month, I noticed mood swings with him and he would push me away. He was abused as a child by his father and he was also molested by a neighbor. After he pushed me away, he would come back crying to me and beg for forgiveness, saying he didn’t know what he was thinking. Well, I would always take him back, I love him so much. Well, for several months, everything was great until this past week. He told me that he wants to be alone, that he doesnt want to feel any emotions anymore. That our relationship is not the same to him anymore. Then a couple days after he tells me these things, he asks me for help. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychologist and she talked to him over the phone. (He lives out of state from me) She told me that when she talked to me, he has anger issues that were never resolved with his dad and there is a possibility he is bipolar. After she talked to him, he called me back crying saying that he loved me and never wanted to break up with me. He didnt even remember all the hurtful things he said to me when he broke up me. He has made an appointment with a therapist in a couple days. He told me again how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, and he told me if he pushes me away again, to keep fighting for him, to not give up on him. The next day after that he is angry all day, at everyone and everything. He told me he wants to be a zombie so he doesnt have to feel anything. The day after this, he is depressed and says he “feels weird” about us, and he breaks it off again. I dont know what to do, he hasn’t called me for a day, even though he said he would, I am a wreck emotionally, b/c I know he loves me but these moods change his outlook. My heart is crushed b/c he wont talk to me about his feelings, I am shut off completely. The last time he talked to me, he told me he was thinking clearly about breaking it off with me, but he was acting cold and heartless towards me and I know when he is a normal state of mind, he doesnt act like that. He told me all the times he has told me he loves me or wants to be with me was for my benefit and he didnt want to hurt me. But, yet after the first time he broke up with me, he purchased a ring for me that has an inscripition on it that says “I love you, forever”.
How can someone flip flop their emotions like that so quickly? How can one day they say I love you so much and want you forever and cry to you on the phone and the next day say they dont want anything to do with you? Should I let it go and give him his space? It kills me inside to not hear his voice and talk to him, but I dont want to push him away further. Please help me, I am depressed and need any comments or sugesstions as to what I should do. Thanks.
Hi Nich,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I went through a similar situation, and it’s been so awful. I think that you should carefully think through what a long-term relationship with your finance would be like. Remember that just as he is likely to come back to you, he is just as likely to go push you away again. You have to decide if that is something that you can handle. Having him tell you that he loves you one day and then the next day that he feels nothing for you is very painful.
Hi Nich,
You sound like me 8 months into my relationship with my ex. Its weird calling her an ex cos shes really not. We still love each other so much. In fact im debating whether to see her later because im scared of adding fuel to the fire in our messy complicated break up. You cant stop or force yourself from loving him. Thats what she did to me by pushing me away. They hurt you before they get hurt themselves. I too cant understand how she can say she say she loves me more than anything, that she is sorry for putting me through what she had and then the next day telling me she wants nothing to do with me and that i make her worse. Its so hard cos i know she has an illness but for me it was the inconsistency of her efforts and the way she pushed me away in my attempts to help her get better, show her i was on her side. We broke up on our 2 year anniversary couple of months ago. In that time she has moved home and started on meds. She was having counselling before but was inconsistent and i felt she didnt wholly want to face things and do it for herself. For me only way through this is evaluating my life and what i want out of it. I wanna go travelling so im aiming to do that. Im at a point in my life where i need big change for myself. Try not to blame yourself i do at times. I feel bad for upsetting her and when she blames me and i can see her manipulating i still feel bad for getting angry even though i have every right to. She says i dont understand, that i dont know how to handle her but i do more than she thinks. This website has been a big help for me, just talking to other people about it who going through same thing. I know its hard but try not to react when you get pushed away. Try not to take things personally and as frustrating and hard as it may be try and be rational. If you feel your in a situation where you can see things getting out of hand or a conversation going too far walk away from it and try not to bite back. If he really wants to be with you he has to attempt to understand the impact he can have on you.
Thank you for all the replies. Just an update on my situation, my bf says he went to a counselor and they told him he is not bipolar. Idk if I can believe him or not, b/c when I first called them to set up his apt. they said they cannot do a diagnoses on him, that they are just licensed counselors. He also told me they offered him a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, but when I talked to the receptionist, she insisted to me more than 1x that they cannot write out prescriptions there. When I told him about this, he got angry with me and told me he was not crazy and stopped talking to me for 1 full day. In spoke with him tonight, he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore. Does anyone have any idea how long a mood swing can last? It will be a week on Thursday since he broke it off with me. Everything has to go by his terms, he won’t talk to me on the phone b/c he says I broke his trust when I told him I was going to hurt myself while I was on the phone with him. (I lost total grip w/ reality and had a breakdown, I am now going to counseling for my depression) He just doesn’t seem to understand that I had a breakdown and he can never forgive me for that, he says it was “unforgivable” of me. I still want things to work out with him, I am so codependent on him and I am going to go to group meetings for that too. I don’t think he understands that love changes as relationships mature. I mentioned flying out to see him for his birthday and his mood changed, he was lol and seemed like maybe he would like to see me again. I also think he has a sex addiction, which I believe is another symptom of bipolar disorder. Can the mood swings last a long time? Again, he says he is thinking clearly, but he is not the man I fell in love with.
With me I am not sure if it was a bipolar episode or if he was just a narcissistic, mean person.
We were together for five great months. He told me he loved me and called me two or three times a day. He urged me to leave my unhappy, abusive marriage and was helping me to do that. I did finally move out and he was calling me and inviting me over to his place, as loving and kind as could be. At Christmas he took off his gold chain, the one he wore all the time and put it on me. He told me he loved me so much and I was the most special person in his life except for his son, who he adored. Then on New Year’s Day, he called me twice. We had a very nice, loving conversation and he told me he was going to a get together at a friend’s house. That evening I called him to wish him good night and he said he couldn’t talk because he had a young woman over, who was too drunk to drive home from the party. A red flag went up for me. I don’t know if it’s because I am insecure, or because of the trauma of moving out from my married house just two weeks prior, or because I had an intuition of something wrong, I drove by his house and I saw the woman’s car parked there. My emotions took over and I knocked on the door. She came to the door, but couldn’t unlock it. He never came to the door. When I called later, he yelled at me, calling me a stupid idiot for waking her up. I was his girlfriend and he called me an idiot, and was protecting this other person. I was crying and was devastated. I went back to the apartment and I took off the chain he gave me and put it in an envelope with a note explaining how hurt I was and how I loved him so much, but obviously my feelings were not reciprocated. I dropped it off in his mailbox and her car was still there. I guess I expected him to call me and apologize and tell me he did still care about me. I mean he had told me he loved me that very afternoon. The next day he didn’t call, so I drove over to his place hoping to clear things up. I loved him and still love him so much. We were not only lovers, but best friends. Well, when I got to the door he yelled “What do you want?” as if I was his worst enemy. His eyes looked dark and he didn’t seem his usual self. I said “Please let’s talk.” To which he replied that if I didn’t leave, he would call the police. So he proceeded to call the police. I left, stunned and shattered. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I tried to call him, a few days and a few weeks after the incident to clear things up, and I apologized for whatever I had done, but he threatened me with a restraining order, should I ever contact him again. He had told me he took medication, lithium, and had had electroconvulsive shock therapy once or twice, and saw a mental health centre for therapy a few times a month. Do you guys think that he could have been overwhelmed by me showing up when he had that girl over and flipped in a manic episode? Or does it sound like something a normal man might do to a woman he no longer wants in his life? If so, how could he have loved me at 4:30 pm and then hated me at 9:30 pm? I went from being his lover and best friend to being treated like his worst enemy and a criminal.
Could someone please help me?
I haven’t spoken to him for three months.
Is this it? Is it over forever? Is there one slim chance that if I call him or email him he may be receptive to me? Or do you think he may still try to hurt me with a restraining order?
Thank you for hearing me out. I appreciate any help I can get.
I am stuck in a dark emotional place because of this.
I love him, but can’t contact him. It really sucks.
Hello,
Let me 1st say that I am so relived to have come across this site. I can’t tell how much better I feel about my sitution and know that I am not alone. All these stories are almost exactly what my on again off again bipolar boyfriend does. I would like to share my story when I have more time to write it out, but I just wanted to express my joy in finding this information.
Another update on my bf/fiance who keeps flip flopping on his feelings towards me. I have given up on our relationship, it is over. I have a ton of support from family and friends and I just realize, I need to be happy, I can’t live with him one day loving me and the next not, blaming me for his problems, etc. I needed to cut all ties and move on. Anyone who has any doubt they can’t do it, YOU CAN! Look for support groups in your area, talk to you family, friends anyone who cares about your well-being. You are better than having to go through what you are. I love him and I believe I always will, and if he ever wants to come to me and talk (as friends) I will still be there for him. I just realized, I’m worth more that being in pain everyday. I deserve better and someday I hope to find that person, I thought he was that one, I seriously did, but he won’t get help and I can’t make him do it. Thanks for being here to listen and help.
Nich…
“he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore.”
…I heard the exact same thing more than once…and it’s bullcrap, it isn’t that his love changed rather its that his love for you scares him…and most likely he KNOWS that there is something wrong, he is in denial…bipolar is a definate possibility, especially since he turns things around and makes them about him…to tell you that you “broke his trust” and it was “unforgiveable” that you were going through such a deep depression is completely opposite of how a person should react, he should have been supportive and instead he no doubt made it worse for you…
I am glad that you have decided to move on for your own good…I have been in a situation similar to you for years now…and it has taken me years to get to the point I am now…if he comes home this time, great…if he doesn’t, fine…I will get by and life goes on either way…one thing changed for me, I still want and love him but I don’t need him anymore, not to be happy, not to survive, and not to be whole…your attitude is great, stick with it…you might be surprised, that might be the push it takes for him to sincerely get help, and it might not, but either way you’re going to make it.
Josie…
I have no doubt yours is bipolar, or Borderline Personality, maybe both…
It’s been 3 months though, and I hate to say it Sugar, but you need to quit waiting for him to come to his senses…he might, but he might not…and let me tell you something, they KNOW when we are just waiting with that proverbial candle in the window…and it feeds their ego…don’t think for a minute that he hates you because he doesn’t…he is dwelling in a wierd fantasy world at the moment…maybe at some future point he might come around, but let me ask you a few things, not to answer me, but to ask yourself, because these thoughts really helped me as I mulled them through…
1-With the way he has treated you, and what you now know of his cruelty scale, do you really believe that you can trust him to not shatter your poor little heart again?
2-Are you able, willing, and ready to handle repeat episodes of this IF he does come back to you?
3-Are you willing to spend half of your life with him basking in the light, and the other half curling up in pain in the darkness? Because life with an unmedicated or wrongly medicated bipolar is a half life.
4-He cheated on you, threw you out, took the side of a woman he barely knew over you, called the cops on you, threatened you, and devastated you…don’t you think that you deserve better than that?
5-You have known this man for 8 months and he has already wrecked your world…it won’t change when you have known him for 8 years should he come back…do you love YOURSELF enough to deal with his mood swings, psychotic behavior, and repeating rejection for years? Because if he comes back, he WILL do this again and again, no doubt in my mind that he will. Are you strong enough to handle repeated rejection.
and 6-Do those 5 great months make up for the way he has treated you these last 3 months?
I don’t mean to sound harsh but I KNOW what you are going through right now and it sucks…but you have survived for 3 months now and guess what? You’re still kicking…and dark places are just not groovy places to live…start swimming for the light, Sugar, because it will warm your soul…do whatever you have to do to get out of that dark place…take nature walks, many bubble baths, rent 2 or 3 good comedies sit down and watch them and laugh, start reading(look up Romeo Is Bleeding on the web, its a good series, it helped me and I think it might help you), go out with friends…do whatever you have to to pull yourself out of that dark place…
Be assured on this, he would rather you sit in a dark place pining away for him, than for you to get up, get out, get moving, and move on…so don’t you let him keep you in the dark anymore…because I can guarantee you one thing, IF he comes back, it won’t be while you’re sitting there hoping and wishing he’ll come rescue you from the dark…beepers don’t do the rescuing they prefer to be rescued themselves…he will never come back as long as you are miserable because as long as you are he has won and he still owns you…if he comes back it will be when you least expect it, when you are happy, smiling, and enjoying your life WITHOUT him…it will be when you don’t need him to be happy, when you have regained your strength and sense of purpose in life and realized that you deserve to be treated alot better…that’s when he might come around…
Trust me, after years in an on again off again relationship with a beeper I know that, I have seen it time and again in my own relationship…and they never ever ever come back while you are sad and mopey and waiting for them too…so get up get out and get moving….it will either bring him back or show you that life without him can also be good…and either way, you win.
Good luck!
Dear Going In Circles,
Thank you for your kind reply. Especially thank you for taking the time to explain your thoughts to me.
You are truly wonderful. I need to hear this. I need to heal and to move on with my life. I have been stuck on a fantasy of who I believed this man to be, from how he appeared to be for four months, and then to having my world shattered by the way he suddenly changed. Perhaps I didn’t see the real him or perhaps he was just in a mood swing. I drove by his place tonight and there was a car in his driveway. Probably a new lover who has replaced me. I guess bipolar people do move from lover to lover. I am honestly OK with it now. The pain has subsided. I think I will be OK. It has been the most painful, traumatic thing in my life, but I think I will be OK. That’s the good part. I will survive this. Partly it’s because of kind, wonderful people like you, who have helped me to deal with this situation, by being there for me, and by listening and actually replying to me. Even though I have never met you in person, you have been so helpful to me. You have no idea. My family wasn’t even there for me. That’s why I had to go on line. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And may God bless you! You are truly an angel!
I thought I set him off by giving back his gold chain, but if he really loved me, he would have tried to get me back. The fact that he hasn’t even tried to contact me in three months shows that he couldn’t care less what happens to me. He truly doesn’t love me. So, I have to take care of myself. I have learned, once again, that I need to nurture and love myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I guess that’s the truth for all of us. It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom. Thank you. Please know that if you ever need me, I am there for you.
I’m glad you found my post inspiring, and I’m TICKLED pink that you are moving on…you have no idea right now how huge a favor or how much pain he actually saved you by dropping out of your life…
But there is one line in your post that I must take a moment to address…
“It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom.”
BULLCHIT!!!…Love isn’t a nice dream, it IS real…don’t you give up on it because of ONE very sick man…don’t let him scar you so badly that you give up on a beautiful experience because if you do then he has won, his illness has won, and you are the one who’ll suffer the most…not him…
In the future it’s ok to proceed with caution, but don’t be so cautious that you let something real walk past you because the pain of this situation frightened you…you will heal…it takes time…but you’ll heal and find that there is a life beyond him…
Think of this, if you experienced all that wonder with someone that sick, imagine how much better it will be with someone who isn’t
Take care!!!
Hi
I first met my girlfriend round about two years ago, we never dated then but kept in touch over long distance. I knew she was troubled. a wild child, free spirited, naughty girl from the most beautiful part of South Africa. I knew she hated to be alone and wouldnt be faithful to her partner.
In december something magical happened and we fell in love. It was perfect we spent so much time together and couldnt be apart, she flew up to see me. we spent time together, she rushed back home in a plane, 3 days later I was with her for the road trip for her to share a life with me. This is February (2 months after we fell in love). Too fast, now its reality, like a marriage. Everything she romantisized was now reality.
I wasnt the wiser to warn her to spend time with her family and loved ones for a while. Be sure you know what you are going to leave behind. I believe now she has realised what she has given up.
I knew about the mood swings, but February it started, she became less responsive. More secluded, she basically came into routine of just watching TV at night. She doesnt say nice things about me, she doesnt even look at me. But she loves me. She says so and she cries so often. She is only turning 23, 6 years my junior.
So she decided something wasnt well and to go see a psychologist. The diagnosis of bi polar II was not a surprise.
She is beautiful, artistic, creative and a social butterfly but has a dark side. A mean side where she isolates herself and hurts the people she loves. Pushing away the things that should be held close.
I try to be understanding, have done things as pathetic as question her love for me. She dreams of travel and helping children in Africa, a wellfare addict…The responsibility and routine that accompanies any relationship is frightening her.
If she rejects my advances, am I supposed to leave her to her devices. Let her continue down this spiral and not do anything about it. I take care of her medication and therapy and I think that is taking away her independance and increasing a sense of guilt that she owes me something. How can I be sure, obivously I just want the affection from her that I have shown her.
She has been on epilum for around 6 weeks now, she is hurting so badly and I would do anything for her….If anyone has any advice or can share something similar that they have experienced in their lives I would more than just appreciate it.
Hello everyone! I also have found this site amazing and reading had made me realize I am not alone..
Here is my story.. about a year and a half ago I met woman so beatiful and full of energy.. She has a 4 year old daughter and the father was not in the picture.. She had never married.. Anyway she is not 28 and am 31.. I loved being with her and her daughter.. We had our ups and downs, but for the most part things were great. I was doing what I had always wanted to do, be a father. The little always called me Daddy and I had never felt so good. I couldn’t believe I was finally happy. I mean really happy.. I am a very deep person and when I love someone I love then with all I am. Well as time moved on about say 6 months into the relationship she started mentioning marriage. So much so that she even offered to pay for the ring and I could pay her back if I didnt have the money.. Well as I said we had our ups and downs with aboher bipolar, but being with her and the little one made me more happy than I had ever been so I her with the disease and knew that its not her fault. She didnt ask for it, such as I did not ask for my diabeties so why would I have any right to hold it against her or judge her for it.. I knew she loved me as I loved her.. So I asked her to marry me. I bought the ring with my own money lol.. She got down on her kneess where I was and hugged me and said I do, I do, I do.. I teared I was so happy.. Then soon after we had an engagement party and my family and hers cheered to our life together.. I was the happiest man in the world..
Then things started to change.. She started to become more irritable.. Wanted to spend hours apon hours just watching tv and shutting me and her daughter out.. Now this was nothing new, but it was getting more consistent.. Now we had been living in my house for about a year though all this so far.. Anyway she started picking fights and I would just go for a walk regardless if it was a snow storm, a hurricane or whatnot.. I just needed to get away.. I felt so bad for the little one because she was always subjected to seeing this side of her Mom and being on the receiving end of it.. I can take it, but a 5 year old cant.. Well about a month after the engagement party her taxes were coming in and she planned all the things she wanted to do to the house. She always called it our money.. I never really felt comfortable hearing that, because Im the type of man to not count his chickens until they have hatched.. So a week before the taxes came in she picked a fight, we argued and she decided she was going to move into her sisters house which is an hour away from here or her work.. She said she couldnt do this anymore and that she wasnt happy.. She felt this was for the best.. So I was just left here alone in my house with no one.. No little girl running around, no Nick JR playing in the background.. No more tucking the little one in to bed at night and listening to her say Im the best Daddy in the world.. No more hearing my spouse say that I was the best thing in the world to happen to her and her daugter and she thanks God everyday for meeting me.. She just left…. All I was left with was a broken heart and memories.. I couldnt get out of bed, I would break down and cry at work and have to leave.. I loved them so so much.. Well this happend about months ago.. She was going out, wearing slutty outfilts and leaving the little one wherever she could so she could go out and dance with her friends.. Well I found out aswell that she was seeing someone else so I called her about it when I heard of it and she confessed she was just talking to him. Now this guy is completely opposite from me.. Skinny, tattos on his face, gangsta, ect, ect. While Im a bodybuilder.. Anway I waited about a week since I called her and told her I needed to talk with her.. She met with me.. I brought her 5 silk roses.. We talked and she told me she did nothing sexual with the guy and just ate pizza with him and watched a movie.. I guess they made out too.. She promised on her daugher that they didnt sleep together.. So she started calling me again and showering me with gifts and taking me out.. So we started going out again I was helping her find a new place for herself which is what she wanted.. She gave my number to her potential landlord and said I was her old landlord. When he called I gave her a rave review.. Anyway I helped her move in and things were great again.. She was staying at my place, I was staying at hers.. Then I got a brain hemorage.. A blood vessel had burst in the back of my head and I had to be flown to another hospital via helicoptor.. Once there I was on life support, Got double pneumionia and had respitory failure.. I never told her this because I didnt want her to feel guilty, but the doctor said it was from extreme stress.. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks.. Then after that out of work for 6.. When I got out I was staying at her place alot,, helping her clean up when she was at work, getting dinner ready so when she came home she had less to do instead of getting into a horrible mood.. I would do whatever it took regardless if I should be in bed or not.. She started taking Cymbalta that her councelor had prescribed.. So she started to change for the better a little, but not that much.. She would still threaten her daughter with punching her in the face if she didnt listen when she was in a mood and completely shut me out as usual.. Now Im supposed to be on bed rest and I completely disregarding myself and focused on her.. Wondering what I can do to make her happy, what I say to fix it.. Always feeling as though I did something wrong.. I just wanted the girl I fell in love with to come back down to earth.. It was hell.. When I say hell I mean it.. She never called me names, but had a way of making me feel like shit. If I cooked she wouldnt eat it.. If we were at my house and I went food shopping, she didnt like anything in the fridge and would rather have Boston market or something.. So me being me would run out of the house and by a $28.00 meal at Boston Market when I had a fridge full of food.. Preying all the time that this or that would make things better.. All the time.. Well lately we have both wanted to have a baby together so the little one who is now 6 can have a brother or sister.. Ive always wanted to have a child of my own.. She wanted it to.. We would buy pregnancy tests and she would cry because she was not prenant.. This happend last wednesday.. She then told me she cant wait to have me growing inside her, that im the most wonderful man in the world the best father any woman in the world could ask for.. Then next day we got into a stupid pointless fight about her watching tv so I walkted home. Its about two miles from my house but many hills are involved.. I had to carry all of my work clothes that I needed for the next day at work home with me in a garbage bags.. Anway I left because she told me to leave so I did.. When I got home I felt guilty as usual and grabbed my entire Friends series collention put it in another bag and asked my brother to give me a ride back to her place.. This was about 3 hours later around 900pm and it was pouring out.. When I got there she wasnt happy to see me at all.. I told her I was sorry and shouldnt have said anything and that I just wanted to do something together as a family instead of it being me and the little one doing something again without mumma.. She didnt say a word, had her wall up as usual.. Then I noticed she didnt have her engagement ring on.. I then saw it on the nightstand.. I went over to it and asked her if this was how she felt.. She said she didnt know.. She needed sometime alone, she needed space.. So I gathered my now 3 bags of things and walked back home in the pouring rain.. I talked with her on the phone yesterday and she said this is for the best (us not being together) and that she is sorry for everything.. I then asked how is it for the best? She stated that she hasnt been happy and wants to be on her own.. She texted after the conversation and told me that again she was sorry and that she needed to grab her work outfit from my house and would call me. Well me being an idiot I was out so I bought her, her favorite movie that her sister lost on her when she let her borrow it.. I folded all of her things and put then neatly in bags. I then laid the movie on top of the bags. I then went for about an 8 mile walk.. I needed to clear my head.. I walked so far I ended up having a diabetic low blood sugar reaction and was too far away to walk home.. I was so distraugh when I left for the walk I forgot to bring a candy bar just incase.. Well I had my cousin pick me up and then waited for her to call. She never did.. I havent spoken to her since… I love her and the little one so so much, I feel like im dying inside.. I just want her to realize if she needs space to just have it, but not shut me out.. Now its over again and the little girl that I have raised is gone with her. Poor little thing must be so confused.. I never held her Bipolar against her, I embrassed her and didnt everything I could to try to make things balanced.. I took the day off from work because Im to uncentered right now to deal with work.. I feel like Im losing my mind and this is not good for the condition I was just in the hospital for.. But I dont care about me.. I care about us.. I care about them.. I dont know what to do.. She wants nothing to do with me.. I just feel so broken and weak..
Dear Saddened,
Please take care of yourself. I know your pain. I have just begun to emerge out of mine. It has been since January 1st when my bipolar boyfriend left me. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life, so I feel your hurt. I can tell by your words, it’s so similar to my experience of grief. It’s like you’ve been thrown off a horse, into an uncaring, unforgiving universe. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve someone wonderful like you to appreciate you and love you. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It will take some time to get over the grief, but I suggest going to see a therapist to handle your feelings; surround yourself with good family and friends; forgive her for her illness: it is her illness which makes her so unstable; if possible, try to date other people. You need to validate yourself. You tried to do everything humanly possible. She is the one with the problem. I hope this helps. I know it’s hard. I am still not over mine either, but I am a bit stronger now. I had to take time off work and my graduate studies. I was suicidal. These people are not worth losing our lives and minds over. They seem to move on: illness or not. It is us who are left reeling with pain. Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, worthy human being. I wish you all the best life has to offer.
God Bless You.
Josie thank you so much for your reply! I am so happy to recieve such a quick repsonse on a site such as this.. I did see a therapist today because I was down and figured why not right? When I discussed how I felt to the therapist and what I had been though and what I am going through now, see told me that I need to love myself.. I replied back to her that I do love myself or atleast I thought I did.. She told me that if I did love myself I would not have taken her abuse.. She asked me if I was tired of constantly thinking of her and what mood she was in and what she needed and leaving no thoughts for myself or my well being.. I told her yes, but I do miss her and what it entails to have her and the little one in my life. She told me that I need to think of and take care of myself.. I do not blame her for any of this.. I know her heart, I know what she is made of.. She herself told me that she doesnt know what is going on with her right now.. This all just sucks because I just want a normal life with her or at least a life where she knows no matter what her family is her foundation and that when she needs her space to just let me know and take it.. Not just drop everything…. Regardless all of her stuff is still here and when she comes to get them I will not break down.. Even if she apologizes and wants me back which is a far stretch from reality, I will tell her that I am tired of her abuse and I just dont know if I have it in me to go on with this so called relationship… I havent thought of myself in so long and forget what its like to just worry about me… She still hasnt changed her myspace either which shocks me.. The little one putting cake on my face on her sixth birthday is still her default pic.. All of the pics of us of a family are still on her profile and she has been logging in because I see her updates on my page.. Very confusing indeed.. Again thank you Josie!
WOW
and there was me thinking i was all alone.
my name is Richard.
married but seperated to lisa and we have 3 children.
2 are from her previous marriage and 1 from our marriage.
so many of you have expressed what i am going through.
lisa has bipolar and has had this for about 12 years,
i love her to bits, i care for her soo much and just want her to be happy
we have had some very rough stages
in the mania side we have been through bankruptcy, been and still are heavily into debt.
sleeping around.
dissapearing for days on end.
have been called oh so many names, some of which are not even in the dictionary lol.
then there is the depression side
6 phone calls on seperate occasions to tell me that lisa has taken an overdose, but she is ok (which is good)
followed by a spell in hospital.
daily visits to see her, days out then the slow road to stability
followed by what i guess can only be described as a period of normality.
the problem i have come across is that with each manic episode lisa seems to become more destructive (this is the only word i can think of that describes it best).
she will get rid of anybody who suggests that anything is wrong.
in the past this has included my parents, her mother, her sister and my brother.
she will also surround her self with people that have a hateful view of life and men who will fuel her manic views.
the trouble is once everything has been destroyed, the realisation kicks in and then she goes into a depressive slide
i am very concerned for her at the moment
she is at the top of a manic episode as we speak.
this time she has forced me out, made it impossible to stay as she has been telling all her friends that i have been beating her, also told her friends that i have been hitting the kids.
our eldest who is 18 has been forced to move out because she dared question her and now this weekend gone my lad who has just turned 16 and still at school has been kicked out and is staying over my mums house (sadly there is no room for him here )
again the debts have piled up to about 12 grand, thats before the house gets reposessed
and i am just so worried for her as the pressure is piling up and there is no body around to help her or be there for her
i still love her,
my heart belongs to her
but am scared that we have reached the point of no return
thank you for listening
In Ocober last year, i met a wanderful man. He was still residing in the home of his previous 18 year relationship, (never married) his partner still living there too, both totally not speaking but both awaiting the sale of the house in order to move on. I thought at the time this was strange, however I soon discovered that he had another severed relationship, with his mom and he always maintained that both his X and mother where mad! I soon realised something wasn’t right when he appeared to flip on a coin and completely disappear after about a month of seeing each other. He came back asking me what went wrong? i was very hurt. Needless to say we got back together and for the following five months he rang/text me everyday several times, although we saw alot of each other. Then their came elaborate plans of him offering to buy his x out, which she declined saying she wanted more money and to force the sale of the house. Then talk of marraige to me , oh and that he had never been loved by a woman like this before and i’d grown on him and that i was his total therapy etc, etc. He constantly lived and relived his x relationship. So i didn’t quite believe that i was the real deal for him, so when very subtly challenged, i recieved a load of text messages, one was even of a polish girl stating he was going to sleep with her and that it was all my fault…needless to say i hve not heard from in a month. I believe that none of us come exempt in life from any disease/illness and would stick by anyone, but there is a big BUT in this case…he knows he is bipolar, but does not want anyone else to know…it is very sad. What i can’t quite work out is this…how can they just dismiss someone they claim to love? please help.
Sharon,
I too was involved with a guy that pushed me away after an 8 month relationship, he was never diagnosed, but I believe he has borderline personality disorder. Said he fell out of love with me. And he too made me alot of promises, that I was his true love, that we would be married, that there was no one else for him, etc. And most of the things he had said to me 2 days before he broke it off with me. I became suicidal…I still have days where I don’t want to go on. The most important thing I did for myself and I recommend it for everyone who is involved with a mentally ill partner, go to therapy. No matter what, just go! Also, try to find support groups in your area, I go to Codependent Anon meetings once a week. This man, this guy, reduced my life to nothing. I could think of nothing but ending it all…he has moved on to another victim now, claiming he loves her after only knowing her on messenger for a week. I can just pray that she doesn’t go through what I did. Move on, I know how hard it is, how lonely it is…but the pain and hurt, it’s just not worth it. You will find someone who is better for you, you just have to believe that. Get your mind off of it, take up a new hobby, write in a journal. I found writing him a letter and letting out all my anger helps, and then I tear it up and throw it away. I will never understand why he pushed me away, b/c he did it to me more than once, maybe it is better if I don’t know why. I have had to basically not talk to him at all even though he says he “needs” me to be his best friend. I can’t do it, b/c it sends me down into another spiral. He doesn’t care about the pain I am in b/c he is too self-centered. What kind of man calls his ex at 5:30 in the morning to tell you he is in love with someone else, when he knows I was suicidal? I hope all of you on here know that all the pain and hurt, its not worth it…no matter how much you love your partner, they can only help themselves. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it, just remember that.
Thank you for your reply, It helps to know that I am certainly not the only person to be at the dismissal of a bipolar person. I do believe though I was getting close to the core and he referred to me as too “analytical” amongst some spiteful comments. I notice he has some longstanding friends and quite a tight circle of friends and he introduced me to them and his daughters, business partners, sister all those that matter to him. I know a chemistry existed between us and the attraction was strong, so was the love. So where is he now? Do they ever come Back? I am really struggling with understanding that bit…can anyone help? please. His closing text stated he wasn’t playing games and that I didn’t save him and to delete his number and never contact him again. He wouldn’t respond anyway. I did ring his office though and spoke to his business partner who reassurred me that he was okay and that his brain gets in a jumble over his X. Bastard i’d say…but i can’t stop thinking about him.
OK well I think I am gonna change my name from Saddened to ENRAGED!!! I am so so so mad and disgusted its not even funny.. Well Last time I was on here I left the discussion at everything being very confusing.. Well it got worse lol.. So I hacked into her new Facefook that she just set up with the help of an old friend.. This friend of hers was an X from way back and had just gotten out of prison a couple of months ago. Well he started calling her when I was in the hospital and they talked as friends as she put it anyway.. Well one time he called when we were at my house and she did nothing but talk about us as a couple and how happy she was and he said was looking forward to meeting me and hanging out with us.. I truly believed he was just an old friend.. Now I know she has never chearted on me, because she wasnted to be constantly together weather it was me dropping her off to work and picking her up or anyting… Well soon after that her phone was shut off due to lack of payment.. I would have paid it but I already had to pay off her $400 phone bill on my account so I was stuck with that.. Well the friday after we had the fight in my above post she called him and he wasnt home.. Well he hit her up on myspace and gave her his new number since she called his house phone number.. Well when I got into the facebook site I found that today she was calling him honey bun and he was calling her darlin. They said they both had a great time last night with everyone and how she had not been that drunk for a long time and how she got home at 230am in the morning and then go to work, but would do it again.. Then he hit her back saying you know you would do it again!, we had a blast.. Then she said she wanted to give her honeybun a massage this coming saturday night… Now I have his phone number and she lives down the street.. Granted we are not togther anymore since Friday, but this is a little bit soon dont ya think? I mean I went out for the first time in a long time this weekend and I was offer some pretty nice sexual favors from some hot females, but I wasn’t interested because all I could think about was her… WOW I AM SO MAD AND ENRAGED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Please help me with good advice quickly!! I feel like Im going crazy.. How can this be the same girl????????
Enraged/Saddened,
Ok, well…I think ppl who have bipolar or different types of mental problems tend to move on to other partners VERY quickly. AND they are usually have an addiction to sex. My ex claims he has found his “true love” and has only known her online for a week or so, they haven’t even met irl yet! They move on quickly and disregard any kind of feelings towards their exes and are very, very self-centered. Read my posts from above, you might find them helpful. My first post was back on April 18th. Be strong and take deep breathes…
the problem I have about getting into another relationship is that, you don’t always know that someone is bipolar until maybe days, months, years into the relationship, and
by this time you are so involved. and to go thru and get use to another person and have this happen again,I wouldn’t be able to take it. so to protect myself and who I am, I put a wall up.
Dear Lost,
You just expressed exactly how I am feeling today.
I emailed my ex boyfriend (who I believe is bipolar/took lithium etc.) just two days ago to say that I miss him and I
love him. Do you know what he answered me as well as swear words he said: “What part of go away don’t you understand, you are old, ugly Italian looking woman. You dress like an old Italian woman and you act one. You are an obsequious, fawning pain in the ass.” He wrapped it up with a swear word.
I have a wall up around me too. I don’t like myself after this experience. I don’t like men any more. I don’t trust anyone.
It’s neat that all the people on this forum have reacted in much the same way emotionally. Because these people’s rude behaviour is so outrageous, so non human, it affects the victims of itin much the same way, I guess.
These people are the proverbial “big bad wolf” lurking in the forest. First they sweet talk you into a relationship, then bang they destroy you emotionally.
What has helped me so much is that I replied to his email with everything I felt, all the anger and pain he had caused me. I know he doesn’t care, but at least I got it off my chest. I strangely feel as if I am somehow vindicated, as if I have my own power back. For months I was crushed. I think I am on my way to healing and acceptance.
Please believe. There have to be nicer people out there.
Look at all the wonderful people on this forum. Keep the faith.
whats is funny that i read is that, say that a person whom is bipolar and the spouse that isn’t. If they would go into therapy, sometimes it takes awhile for the therapist to find out who is and who isn’t bipolar, because biploar at times have away of projecting the symptoms on to the non-bipolar, that it makes it quite difficult for the therapist. this is how I feel right now. I feel that I am spiraling from living so long with the abuse.
I read through a few posts here from lately…I see most that have posted have been in the relationships for a year or less…
After almost a decade with an undiagnosed either bipolar or I more strongly suspect borderline personality disorder I can assure you that it doesn’t get better with time…
I lived with mine for several years…we had a home together…raising kids together…then one day he meets a woman at a party and falls madly in love with her and out of love with me…suddenly overnight his feelings for me changed and he moved out of our house and into the house of the woman he had known for less than a month…that was over 3 months ago…they still live together…he did come back here briefly and then went right back to her after she forgave him…so basically within a couple of months of moving in with the new love of his life he was “cheating” on her with me…back and forth…and with him thats how it always is…from me to another woman to an ex to me to another it never stops…he gets in this wierd mode in which he decides that he must have a change, and he must “give me up” as if I am something bad for him that he must deprive himself of…and when he does this it is like a different person completely…he acts like a wounded martyr…every time he comes around…and speaks of the hurt we are both dealing with…I point out “Why would you hurt when you got your way?”….
It just doesn’t end…because when he is this other person, there is no getting thru to him…and he has no qualms about hurting me, using me, mistreating me…it’s almost like he punishes me for loving him so much…he as even asked me “How could possibly love me after all the horrible things that I do to you all the time? I don’t deserve it…how can you love someone as bad as me?”…and I think sometimes thats what they do…they rip us apart to rip themselves apart…to show us how horrible they are so that we won’t love them anymore and they will get that punishment they feel they deserve…but when the day comes that we don’t want them around then the half sane part of them comes back or wakes up and they are scrambling to fix things…only to mess them up again….
It has been called a roller coaster and there isn’t a better term for it I think…because thats what it is…constantly up and down until you get tired enough to just get off the ride.
hello going in circles.
i was with my wife for about 14 years, have you found that as time goes by the behaviour seems to get worse. i.e. they find the boundaries and push them that little bit further each time.
also what i have noticed is that she finds a new circle of friends that don’t seem to have the best outlook on life, so they tend to feed her and reinforce her vindictive feelings which in turn get stronger
thats what i have found in my relationship.
this time (she is going through a manic episode at the moment) it has got really viscious here, she has told everybody that i beat her and the kids
and the crazy thing is we still go back for more,
maybe there is something wrong with me for going back lol
i hope it gets better for you
just try and be strong its all we can do
Richard
the worst thing is that they alienate people from you so that you can’t go to them for help, for example, their family, friends and co-workers
Well it has been a month since I heard from my X. I had a text early hours 3.00am, thanking me for giving him so much in the short time we were together! (6 months) i only loved him…but he had previously said that I loved him like no other. Well a couple of text revealed that his house had been sold and that he had to find another by the end of July. He asked me if I was still in employment and that when he has settled in his house that we should go for a meal and drink. I said this would be nice. This all sounded okay, what do ye say…..? He actually phoned me to explain his daughter had been ill in and out of hospital….brief call, but i was suprised as the textin would usually go on for ever. Do I go out for that meal and drink….?
Last time I talked with her she told me that she was confused for the last 3 months when we were trying to have a baby and wanted to be alone.. I then told her how I felt with no concern of how she would take it for the first time in awhile and we havent talked or texted in 3 weeks… I am talking to someone else now.. Lets see what life will bring me now
.. I do have to say though that I miss her and the little one every day of my life.. I truly loved them
Well time has moved on for me a couple of days and well im still terribly depressed.. I miss her so much.. All she has been doing is going clubbing and getting drunk. I havent talked with her in three weeks, but she did text me yesterday asking if we could arrange to meet up so she can grab the little ones bike.. She asked me to text her today.. Im not going to though.. Im not gonna just be at her beckon call.. If she hits me up today Ill tell her Ill get in contact with her tomorow. I mean there is no reason why she needs to see me. She knows I can simply leave the back gate unlocked and leave the bike there for her.. SO many things running through my mind.. Its killing me and it sucks because its a battle I have to fight along…. As I said above I am talking to someone else to try to take my mind off of things, plus she is a wonderful person.. BUT I just cant get my mind off of her and the little one.. It hurts so so bad.. I feel like im going crazy! I just cant seem to shake this.. Someone please read some of the stuff I have written and give me some advice.. I just feel like throwing up a white flag and saying I give up….
Richard,
Yes, they do get worse with time. Each boundarie set is like a hurdle to be overcome for them it seems.
You might notice my name change…that’s because I am finally off of my rollercoaster. Mine left me to move in with woman he slept with at a party. He just knew she was “the one”. They have been together almost 6 months now and he is already cheating on her. That’s what really opened my eyes. It doesn’t matter who he is in a relationship with, he is what he is, and he will continue to behave like a horny adolescent as long as he can get away with it. So yes, it has gotten better for me
Sharon-don’t go. It’s pulling you back into his world, he is with another woman why even bother to go out with you? He is playing games with both of you, and believe me a bp is the master of head games.
Saddened-it’s not you, it’s her, it’s the bipolar. She behaves that way because she is manic. But its still her choice to behave that way. Do yourself a favor. Go to the gym. Get a new hobby. Go out clubbing and have a damned good time. Heck, throw darts at her picture(yes I know you love her, but it will make you feel better because even within love there can be anger and thats ok)…in other words do something positive for YOU and quit making all of your focus be on her. She is absorbing you. I know, because I was there. Just a few months ago I was there. Get up, get out, go live, and quit walllowing in your own sadness…because it will eat you up if you let it. You are strong enough to have made it this far, ergo you are strong enough to get up and dust yourself off again and survive.
Good luck to you all.
Thank you so much for your reply. I just cant get over the cheek of this man. He text and phones in the middle of the night to say he will be in touch in July when he has sold his house, sorted himself out and not feeling so stressed. He will take m for a drink and a meal to thankyou for being so good to him. (he was actually very good to me) Does he think I’m going to waite this long, if at all. The other side of me says that i should because he can’t help the way he behaves.
Thanks alot Richard!
I have read several of your comments here and I just sit back and wonder what I did to make God hate me so much.
I was divorced for 10 years and very happy. I had started my own business, moved to a “new” town ( I used to live there years ago) and was doing great. I met this guy online, later found out the way I met him (story for another time) was full of lies and deceit. I forgave him, and the many many other lies he told me. I know that this is all my fault but he was VERY GOOD at making me feel like I was the one that caused him to lie.
After 4 months of dating he ask me to marry him, we dated 8 more months and married exactly a year later.
Well the story goes that he was demoted the ultimately fired for sexual harassment. But again lied about that. I offered that he become a partner in my business and help me. He chose to sit at home and play on the internet EVERY DAY…. Looking for what he called “Female Friends”. I voiced my opinion how I felt that was unappropriate and he just called me jealous.
Anyway…. 20 months later I have left a very verbally and physically abusive relationship. He wants EVERYTHING, including my car. He thinks that I just deserve my clothes because he says that I abandoned him since he had no job. He is calling me every name in the book and more. I just feel so used and abused. I honestly feel that I just want to die.
God doesn’t hate you Tired…a friend of mine told me something very wise…God doesn’t put evil into our lives…we do that to ourselves, but He does give us the tools we need to remove it from our lives…we have to keep our eyes open for those tools when they come along.
It’s not “all your fault”…the only thing you are guilty of is being trusting and perhaps a little gullible…see, a “normal” person is not equipped to deal with the mental mind games that a person with bp and bpd(borderline personality disorder)will dish out…they are often manipulative, controlling, demeaning, and abusive. They are masters at laying the blame elsewhere…and they have an uncanny ability to zero in on their “victims” weaknesses and exploit them for their own gain…and that is exactly what he did…
Step back woman and look at that man…really look at him: He is a liar, a cheat, a manipulater, and abuser, and a general all around dawg and HE has the audacity to want one single thing that YOU worked so hard to get? And he is trying to use guilt ie your own kind heart against you…do not put up with his crap for one minute longer. Cut the ties period. It’s your car keep it. If he has ever physically harmed you immediately put a pfa against him(protective order)so that he cannot come near you. Change your phone number. If he calls you at your place of business hang up on him and then record the time and date he called. Find a lawyer and sue him for harrassment if need be. He is a coward and a bully. If you are in fear for your safety go to a womens shelter.
And you say you feel that you just want to die? Think about that statement…you feel you want to die over him? Over some worthless scumbag that has done nothing but wreak havoc on your life? I mean really, is he worth that? Would you really want to give him that much control? I know it’s rough, but at some point you will look back on this as simply a horrible experience from which you learned some valuable lessons about human nature, and you don’t see it now but you are already better off. You have set a wheel in motion here to a better life for yourself. That will lead to good things for you. Good luck.
Been a while since i been on here. Things have got bad again. She keeps saying i dont care but i cant go back to feeling worthless again althoguh i already do. I have to be strong i cant let her walk all over me again but when i stand up to her she twists everything. Even writing on here i feel like im going round in circles because ive said it all before. Youve heard it all before. i dont know how to keep doing this. Im lieing to my friends because i want them to like her. Im lieing about how im really feeling to protect them from my misery. Shes so cold to me. Even when she calm it jsut doesnt feel teh same. I cant ever have a problem or concern. im on my own with everything.
I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop cryign but then im crying in silence so no one will hear me. This what i will have to do forever if this goes on because she cant be there for me or even try to understand what she puts me through. I dont wanna punish her i just want her to learn or try from the bad and hurtful things. I pretty much begged her to show some sort of remorse for making me feel the way she did but she just couldnt cos she wasnt there. I just dont know what to do. This i guess. I just wanna be happy and i want her to be happy but reality is i just dont think thats ever gonna happen cos i cant see any signs of her fighting for me. She thinks she does but its not enough for me. I dont believe she wants to understand.
Please someone help me ;-(
Am leaving a marriage tof 2 decades amicably (My spouse is a very good man but I was very lonely). Took two college courses (post graduate) and became friends with my professor, who’s 13 yrs my junior. Eventually it turned to love, although we have never touched. We talked so much and at such depths. When classes ended I waited for communication via computer and at our shared gym (via e-mail until my divorce is finalized in the fall). It didn’t come even though his good friend (older than I) told me I was indeed correct that I meant much to him and he planned to have me in his life a long time. I finally began sending regular e-mails and he began oddly “communicating” through song lyrics on his weblog (he posts to it almost hourly…and daily). How weird for a brilliant and creative published author was my thought, but I accepted it. The song postings were about loving me, missing me, wanting us to be together, taking things slowly, etc. But when the emails/songs would go smoothly for a few days he’d toss a wrench in. For instance, on his local radio show he claimed his girlfriend was in another state (I have never doubted his feelings for me and with his timed/dated postings alone in his apartment anyone can tell he has NO time for a girlfriend). After such strangeness occurred (4x) I would try to walk away (ie stop e-mailing) but I was always drawn back to him and his musical apologies. Then one day I rememberd he had said months earlier that he was “manic” when I mentioned he never seemed to sleep. I plugged the word into the computer and up popped Bipolar. I read six books on the subject before emailing him about my suspicion (delicately, lovingly, etc). I promised to stand by him regardless as everyone else in his life had abandoned him but that he should get treatment. I would go with him and I’d even cover the costs (Some background: He was very abused as a child….he lived in his basement with books and music before living alone from grade 9 on). He FINALLY e-mailed…and twice! I was dumbfounded….I was accused of stalking, information gathering, conducting surveillence, sexual harrassment, threatening him and his local friends (which he doesn’t have), etc. And he said he had already spoken with the police and would file a report should I contact him in any way. Due to being worried about locating employment and having shared custody of my kids during the divorce, I dared not contact him. That night the woe=is=him sad songs began being posted as well as the I love her and treated her wrong type songs. I ignored him (I was in tears though). On Day 3 of no contact his song postings turned to lyrics about both suicide and homicide (of a woman) as well as muder of a woman followed immediately by suicide. They were graphic songs that dealt with knives and guns. I was so frightened I had to tell my husband (whom I reside with until the divorce). For three days I was shaking and physically ill. On Day 4 he calmed back down and went back to the woe=is-him missing her and loving her and losing her songs. One song even included the following: “How does one say I’m sorry and tell her there’s no reason to be frightened?” That weekend was not only his birthday but Father’s Day (his dad, I believe, sexually abused him before abandoning the family). My friend disappeared for days…no song postings, no nothing. I was worried he had committed suicide or WOULD committ suicide but I did not attempt contact. I couldn’t chance losing my children. Instead I met w/ my friend’s husband for free; he’s an area psychiatrist who deals with bipolar patients. He said the song postings suck me back in and I need not worry about my safety due to bipolar sufferers not warning their victims by posting such violent songs all day long. From him and from my readings it is apparent my “friend” (the man I do love very much) has Bipolar 1 with delusions of persecution as well as rapid cycling (he can cycle many times a day). His “diagnosis” is apparently one of the worst to have yet he will not get treatment. Due to some of the words he’s used (“boundaries” for one), the doctor and I believe he was diagnosed and/or treated years earlier. I believe he loves being the most creative writer and popular professor on campus that he would rather die than be medicated, sadly. I have no plans to walk away from him for I love him and I promised him he can count on me (he may walk from me, but that’s OK). I have plans to attend a BP support group in town next week and to continue reading up on the subject. I NEVER want to marry again and I NEVER want to live with a man again and/or combine finances. With that said, I would like this particular man in my life whenever he’s well. We had 8 VERY GOOD months together and I’d rather have just a few weeks with his company than none at all. He’s truly a good man, although obviously ill. But during the school year he functions quite well (no absenteeism, handles his job responsibilities well, friendly, kind, etc). My question is this: Why when I know (100% know) the feelings we have for each other are mutual does he appear scared of me at this time when he wasn’t the 8 months he was teaching? (Since teaching ended for the summer he has been depressed, but manages to hold his radio show and post on his blog…and the delusions ended last week).
Is it a trust issue since nobody has remained in his life thus far and his marriage 8 years ago lasted just 4 months? Or is it the depression brought on by the change of his work schedule that shall subside once he returns to teaching? Or perhaps some odd BP issue that I have yet to read about in a book? Je wasn’t very frightened of me the 8months we were together often. Please don’t tell me to walk or run from this man. I am level-headed and almost 50. I am also a teacher and a lay minister. I don’t “need” this man in my life. I shall walk away if/when I feel it is detrimental to my emotional health, but if and until that time I would like his companionship whenever he is well (as he was for 8 wonderful months last fall thru this spring). Thank you in advance for your help. And, no, (’cause someone is bound to question my motivation:)…. I am not needy. I’m not impressed with HIS youth (He has an old soul and it was months before I realized our age difference), I do not look my age, I am young-acting, I work out at the gym 7 days a week, I am outgoing, active, very friendly, secure, etc, and I DO realize it would be MUCH easier to “date” or have as a close friend a mentally healthy man. That’s a given! But sometimes life tosses us curve balls when we aren’t looking:)
Dear Nonny,
Your story is perhaps the closest to mine. I can totally relate to what you’re going through and actually your situation totally validates my experience.
I too was ending a marriage, and fell in love with a wonderful man, who for five months was in love with me (called me several times a day, told me I was the most important person in his life, shared every detail of his life with me, shared intellectual discussions etc./ took off his gold chain and put it on me at Christmas/ loved me….) and then because he had a woman sleeping over on New Year’s (which of course made me question what was going on) he cut me out of his life by calling the police. I cried, called, emailed wanting to know what had happened and why. He wouldn’t talk to me. All he did was scream, swear and told me that if I ever called him again he would get a restraining order. I was devastated. I had to take time off work and I started drinking to numb the pain. I had moved out to an apartment and eventually I moved back home with my husband, who I do not love in the same way I loved this man. I moved back home though, because I was falling apart mentally. I am regularly seeing a therapist now.
I have pieced together the fact that he is bipolar by the fact that he had told me he had taken lithium for severe depression. He also told me he had electroconvulsive shock therapy and went to a Mental Health Clinic every two weeks. The day before he went crazy on me he had taken me out for lunch and mentioned that he felt as if he had a party going on in his head. Could that be manic?
He was married twice. He said his first wife was “a bitch”, so he left her. His second wife he spoke fondly of, but she left him when he was very depressed and when she left one night, he locked the door behind her. I thought that was so odd and so mean, but I felt sorry for him, so I didn’t dwell on it. He was always wonderful, caring and I was so attracted to him both physically and intellectually. He was also very physically and emotionally abused by his step dad.
I tried contacting him just a month ago, but this is his exact reply: “What part of go away don’t you understand? You look like an old Italian lady, you dress like an old Italian lady. I am not interested. Go away! F. Off!”
Before we broke up he would tell me I was adorable and sweet and that he thought I looked so much younger than my age.
Could it be he is a jerk? Could it be the bipolar talking?
It has been since January and I can’t believe he is still acting this way.
I keep on hoping he will come out of it and remember me and somehow contact me again. I miss him like crazy.
I know what you mean about people telling you to move on. It’s easier said than done when you truly love someone. People are irreplaceable. They’re not like fruits and vegetables.
I am a teacher also, and I write poetry. I am intelligent and I had a life before I met him. I wasn’t needy. I do admit I was missing a true soul connection and that’s what I had with him. I can’t believe he is not in my life any more.
I know he is alone now. In the evenings he is almost always at home by himself, but I can’t call or he will threaten me. He is afraid of me trespassing his boundaries. He said I was stalking him too.
Did your doctor tell you how long this could last or if they can ever snap out of it?
Like you, I am waiting for that day.
Please let me know your thoughts. I will gladly communicate with you about this situation. Thank you for posting your story. It has really helped me.
Josie, there are many differences between both men and that of course has to do with who the men were meant to be (minus the bipolar). My friend and I were never more than good friends although it was obvious feelings of deep love were present. He was my professor and I was/am married (awaiting divorce). Bob (fictious name) was never rude to me, not even in his delusional state. He could have said something about my age or my size or education or writing ability (I’m 13 yrs older, larger, don’t have my master’s, and I’m unpublished) but he never has. In fact, after every delusional episode (3 so far) he has posted beautiful songs about being sorry, loving me, desiring me, me being beautiful, etc. After all my BP research, my meeting with a psychiatrist about Bob, and my communication with a local support group, I am quite sure Bob goes thru this every summer when he’s not teaching and before he returns to his “normal” (manic high, h state, fixed state) in August …and it lasts thru the first week of May. The drastic change in schedule plus his birthday/father’s day in June throws him into a tizzy. Those 8 previous months with Bob that were so special shall hopefully return. Since I don’t EVER want marriage and I don’t EVER wish to live with any man (and I would never combine finances with a bipolar man), if I have 8 months of friendship and/or romance with him OR just 8 weeks with him OR even just 8 days with him that will be OK with me. I’d rather have that than nothing. I’m guessing my lack of dependence on him is why he wants so badly to trust me and let me into his world. I can tell from his song postings that that’s exactly what he’s battling…he’s been in love 2x before and both women walked….quickly. He still carries the pain from those losses. Being alone and in control is much less scary to him than possibly losing AGAIN.
The man you described sounds mean and he refuses to accept responsibility. Bob talks of “failing” his wife years ago during their 4 month marriage plus failing his fiancee years ago as well. Even without mentioning bipolar to me he talked about all the mistakes he’s made in his life with regard to others. Through his song postings he’s made mention of his abuse (more than what he shared with me during the year in person), of feeling lost and lonely, of seeing things and hearing things, etc. He is extremely gifted (not just the creative part that comes with his BP) and that brilliance is perhaps what allows him to be more introspective and able to function as well as he does (the psychiatrist agrees). Bob apparently knows he needs the summer to be alone…walled and protected in his home away from others so he can’t hurt them. But since he didn’t feel comfortable telling me that over our 8 months as friends, I had to learn it the hard way. Pressuring him to see me, to get treatment, etc. caused him to spiral quickly into depression. And as I pushed and pushed the delusions soon began. He appears stable now and I am keeping my distance (I e-mail every so often and ask no questions, I don’t mention BP or treatment, I don’t talk about “us,” and I try to make the emails upbeat, light, and funny). From his song postings I can tell he likes hearing from me and he is waiting to feel better after the summer. It fascinates me how the human brain functions, but it’s also very scary. If Bob were mean I would not “wait” for him (I’m actually not “waiting”). I would not want him that way for I refuse to accept that type of treatment. If Bob and I do rekindle our friendship I will insist he keep his distance when he feels himself sliding into depression (I believe he would anyway for its what he has learned to do). I also believe he will continue to have sex with young women he picks up at bars when he’s in some of his manic states. That is part of the illness, especially since Bob refuses treatment (I believe he loves the manic high too much to ever be medicated….he feels he has power and he loves being the center of attention….not the little abused boy who everyone picked and/or ignored decades ago). Constant AIDS testing and condoms would be a must IF I even decided to have more than a close friendship with him. Not every woman would be able to separate that manic behavior from the man (I realize it would not be easy) and we each need to know what we’re TRULY willing to accept and not accept. My heart goes out to you, Josie, but if he were out there for you you MUST know there are other men out there just waiting to meet someone like you….and they are probably much more upstanding men than someone who blames others and has cruel words for you. I spent last night dancing at a club for 20-somethings with a girlfriend my age (46). We had a ball and even had quite a few handsome young men wanting to dance with us. I continue to work out 7 nights a week at the gym and I’m sure I’ll meet single men at my new teaching job in the fall. Should a great guy come along I will have to reconsider my situation with Bob. If Bob doesn’t appear to be letting me back into his life in the fall than I shall walk away from him altogether (for my own sanity). I must protect myself and I have to remember not to lower my standards. I hope you will do that as well. Open yourself to others and just maybe a much nicer and easier man will be available to you. Until then get yourself mentally, physcially and spiritually healthy. The better you feel about YOU the more appealing you will be to others. That’s been my experience anyway. I feel 25 and am enjoying life (even when I miss Bob tremendously). And do check out BP books at the library; I keep reading and it’s amazing how “classic” Bob is… Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling and delusions of persecution…textbook case. Every past action of his fits perfectly with the disorder. The books have been tremendously helpful. I can’t be there for Bob (as a friend)unless I know with what I am dealing. And I can’t know how to “handle” Bob unless I know about the disorder. As a teacher you know that education is always the key! If I sounded harsh throughout this response please forgive me. I have always been one to just tell it like it is (i.e. how I see it) and I have been known to be a little TOO curt at times. Unfortunately I take after my father. Good luck to you and God bless. I’m saying a prayer for you right now…
Out of all the blogs and websites i have read, this one helps me understand the most. I hadnt heard of bipolar before the boy i started dating told me he has it. Weve been seeing each other for a few monthes now, he is charming, makes me smile and laugh all the time, introduced me to his mother, tells me how much he likes me whenever he sees me. Its quite an old fashioned romance, we go out on dates and that which i love because i have had a bad past with men, they have made me feel worthless, like my personality is horrible so they use me physically until they get bored. This has put me on edge with men, im always scared to let someone new into my life, feel i just put up with anyone because they show me some sort of affection. So i hope that shows you how this boy is different to me, its not physically based, we have a sort of chemistry that i cant even put into words. But then last night he texts me saying that were not going to work, that he needs to be alone, that he doesnt want to be with anyone, that its not about him liking me, me liking him, its just he cant be around anyone. That he’s not worth it. I text him letting him know that ive developed a sort of trust for him, that i would give him as much time as he wants and it was ended there. Yet the night before last, everything seemed fine, i text him about arrangements for today, and it was all good. So many questions are going around in my head, how do i let him know i care without invading the space he obviously needs? What should i do?
Wow, i also am glad i found this site, its excellent!! Again an on and off relationship with a man who i think is Bipolar and has made his first trip to the Dr’s this week, now awaiting appointments with mental health. Whether or not this will save us i have no idea, but i hope so. We have been together on and off for 3 and 1/2 years and in this time i have also taken the abuse, the lies, the cheating, the utter torment that goes with it, i am now on anti depressants and have almost torn myself apart trying to figure out what the hell was the matter with him. Having soul searched constantly, almost driving myself insane, i realise that i have low self esteem, co dependency issues, abandonment issues, all stemming from childhood. I blamed myself when he cheated and in the weeks that i have thought it could be bipolar and have been reading about it i know it is not my fault. I too love him very very much, and right from the beginning have said i feel like wrapping him in cotton wool and looking after him, and it hurts like hell when they walk from your life only to return as if nothing has happened, but nothing we do will ever make them better. i am hoping beyond a wing of a prayer that once he has been seen by professionals that somethings will get better. All my life i seem to of picked the same kind of men and am sure many of you will see a pattern too, i dont know why. We want someone to love us so much i think, that when they are well or even hypo, that is what we need, they are nice, caring and loving and we will stay knowing that we will see that again, even enduring the pain in between before we get it. He has walked out again for now, after having a row with my daughter who is only 8, and calling her a name and not a nice one at that, i heard them and it sounded like two children arguing, i couldnt bare to look at him and he left, i havent heard from him since yesterday, but i am pretty sure i will eventually and he wont realise what he has done, try explaining to a 8 yr old that someone doesn’t mean what they say!! My kids come first and although i love him, i cant stand to have him speak to her like that. it made me so mad, i was furious but i let him walk without saying a word, there really was nothing i could say without me wanting to smack him. i cried and could barely function today, so why do i let him do it??? LOVE?? yes love probably, and luckily enough for me he realises he has a problem, but is it enough??? i can stand being spoken to like a piece of shit but my kids??? this was the first time i ever heard him speak to her like that since we met. i will repost soon as things hopefully get better, again be strong everyone, only the strong will survive am sure of that. xxx
Michelle, just protect your child regardless of all else. From what I keep reading in BP books childhood abuse is often the trigger for the genetic disorder. I love “Bob” a great deal and am looking forward to him coming out of his current depression (He’s just starting on his way up and should be “back” once he begins teaching college courses again in mid August); however, I shall not allow him around my two children if and until I know it is safe for them. Bob has never been abusive in any way, although we are just “in love” friends at this time. Not sure how he’ll be if/when we begin a romantic relationship, but I do know he will not be near my children if he is not as good with them as he is with me. His delusions have ceased (at least for now) and he seems much more trusting of me. PLEASE check online and join a BP support group. If he’s going to be around your children see if there’s one for them. I have been reading BP book after BP book and the knowledge from them has been so helpful. I do not suffer from depression or low self-esteem (thankfully), but I do know you must take care of YOU (and the kids) FIRST and then (and only then) worry about him. Join a support group (I have), read on the topic, excercise, meditate or do something else for relaxation, and take one day at a time. I hope and pray everything works out for you, but I worry that you won’t take care of yourself. You can be of no help to anyone if you are not healthy! Good luck to you.
Thank you Nonny, Definately my children come first, i cant believe he spoke to her like that. He has since apologised to me for doing it but quite frankly its not good enough. He was abused badly by his father as a child and i know that he hates him. I think he feels his mother let him down and he has a hard time trusting women. He is depressed at the moment and suffers from delusions, some of the things he says about me are ridiculous. My head is all over the place at the moment, he must want to be on this own as i havent heard from him for a while, and i worry so much. I will have a look for support groups now. again thankyou.
Hi Michelle,
Re: “He was abused badly by his father as a child and i know that he hates him. I think he feels his mother let him down and he has a hard time trusting women. He is depressed at the moment and suffers from delusions, some of the things he says about me are ridiculous”.
This sounds exactly like the man I had a relationship with. This is his life story exactly. He is on lithium and had electroconvulsive shock therapy and sees a mental health clinic regularly. He never told me he was bipolar, but I have pieced it together, with my own doctor as well. Some people also suggested he may have borderline personality disorder, in which case, as I haved researched, they love you one day and hate you the next, over the smallest infraction. Everything is black or white to them. Right now I guess I am black and I will never be white again. It’s very sad really, for everyone involved. Sad and cruel.
I feel your pain in what you’re going through because I have had a lot of pain in the past months. Support groups are great. Without this site and the kind replies of some of the members, I don’t know what I would have done.
Please take care. It’s not you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. God Bless!
Josie
Hi Josie,
Yes it is very sad and cruel, we have been together on and off for about 3 and a half years now, and in that time he has cheated on me twice that i know of, first one was when we had been together only 6 months, alhtough i didnt know at the time. He always would say how bad it was for someone to cheat, i trusted him totally. He used to accuse me of cheating when it’s the last thing i would do. We met in the january, and all was going well and then in march after a row he told me he had a drug problem, for the next 2 years he battled to come off amphetamines, and trust me if you think a bipolar is bad, one on drugs is a million times worse. The total paranoia, the nastiness, the lies, the mental torture. We were due to go on holiday to ibiza in the august but a week before on my birthday he sais we couldnt be together anymore. needless to say i was totally gutted. the holiday still went ahead but we were not together, it was horrid. we got to the hotel and were on our way to the room when he lost his temper, lifted his case above his head and threw it along the corridor, and the week didnt get any better. i would go to the restaurant on my own to get away from him and he would come in and sit next to me like nothing was the matter. he wasnt even talking to me when my dad died, but a friend had told him and i got a text saying why didnt you tell me darling – how strange!!! Then it all came to head when i found out that he had cheated with one of his friends wife, i went through his phone as i knew something was wrong and i was right, there were texts and even pictures of various parts of her anatomy. i was mortified, i left there and vowed never to speak to him again. But i did, after 4 months of not speaking to him, and almost losing my mind, ignoring his calls and constant texts, i gave in and we started seeing each other again, he was by this time off amphetamines and i thought things would be better, i thought all the problems were down to drugs, until the same pattern of behaviour emerged, i scoured the internet constantly, putting in all the symptoms, it took along time to reach bipolar, i’d dismissed it thinking it was a personality disorder or that he was a psychopath. eventually i pprinted of details of bipolar and told him to have a look, he agreed that that could be what was the matter, and had made an appointment at the doctors and awaiting an appointment with mental health, he isnt talking to me at the moment, he is depressed and wants to be alone. i do love him and know deep down that he isnt a bad person, but i wonder if and when he gets medication, will things get any better, do i stick around and hope that they will, does anyone know the prognosis?? Do they really love us?? i am just so confused. thank you for replying to me josie, hope you are well x
Michelle, please read the biography MADNESS. I picked it up from the library. It’s written by the woman who wrote the famed book about alcoholism. She is Bipolar 1 with cycling and delusions. Her bipolar began as a child and she has been institutionalized often. She is still married to a man she met while he was suffering from depression (not connected to bipolar). It is a fascinating look into the world of highs, lows, delusions, treatment, how the pills do and don’t work, how often patients go off their meds, how little the doctors really know, etc. I couldn’t put the book down. I met with my friend’s husband (a local psychiatrist who treats bipolars) and he told me that even with treatment, getting someone to take his/her medication regularly (once they actually get the correct drugs and dosage) is hit and miss. Many do not like the side effects of the drugs or they don’t want to lose out on the creative high mania brings with it. The latter is the case w/ my friend (I suspect). The doctor suggested I run and run fast; however, I have not chosen to run just yet. If there is a chance I can get my friend into treatment I am sticking around awhile longer. I found so much info from just searching the Internet by simply putting in phrases about bipolar I wanted info on. I was surprised to learn that many sufferers of the disorder DO handle their bipolar with medication; however, there’s no one shoe fits all. It’s a case-by-case basis. And with Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling, it’s the toughest type of bipolar to medicate effectively. The chances for success are not very great. But that doesn’t mean one cannot try.
Hi Nonny, again thankyou, i found the book online and will get it as soon as can. its by marya hornbacher. i think a lot of people who arent in love with someone with bipolar would say run and run fast, but to us it isnt that easy, because we love and care about them. I am the same as you, i am going to stick around a while longer and hope that with medication things will start to settle down, i know it’ll never be 100% better but even a little bit better would be good, i didnt realise how bad it really was for them, it must be so terrible, i really dont think he means to hurt me, and i am going to start looking after myself a bit more too, i have been drinking too much and worrying myself silly. He isnt in denial about being mentally ill and i think that is a major start, i think he wants help, and i know he will try. i know its not going to be an easy ride but am in it for the long haul.
M x
Michelle, I just got “Loving Someone with Bipolar” by Julie Fast (She herself has the disorder). It’s a wonderful book and extremely user-friendly. It helps the spouse (etc) to set up a plan so she’ll know what to expect (“triggers’), to control the triggers, to come up with a diet and exercise program, and to find other holistic approaches to supplement medication. The book is written so well that with each chapter Ms. Fast takes great pains to let the loved one know there are some things they cannot do/change and there are times that they may need to walk away and not look back. I just bought my own copies of both MADNESS (autobiography) and LOVING SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR on ebay for under $5.00 each (used). The latter book you can work on with your BP guy or just work on it alone (if he’s unwilling to participate). Last night I went to a mental health support group for 2 hrs. I met two ladies with husbands who have BP and one woman who is bipolar herself (with a BP son). They alone provided me with a slew of good information that made me feel as though I am not alone in this. Now I’ve signed up for a 12 wk course (1 night weekly) that begins in Sept and will provide both BP education and BP emotional support. Just keep your head up, tell yourself you’re strong and confident (even if you don’t feel that way right now), and plug away. I am feeling so much better emotionally now that I am emerging from the dark. It’s a difficult illness, but with knowledge and support you (we) won’t have to jump from crisis to crisis. And today my guy began emerging from his deep depression (he’s been either manic or depressed since the third week of May). He’s posting songs about being anxious to be able to “let me in.” That will be nice since he’s been in a relative cave for weeks. I miss him and will hopefully be able to look forward to another 8 great months with him this year. But I’ll leave that up to God for what will be will be…
I was trying to search about ways of stopping bipolar siezures but seems there are ways of reducing it other than healing it.i am 25 years and I have been with my boyfriend of 33 yrs for 1 and 1/2 mths and left his home 5 mths ago due to the pressure i had frm my family to leave him cos of his illness!he proposed to me and loves me soo much.wen we moved out to stay together,his uncle told me to ensure that he takes his medication daily.i asked him what he is suffering from and told me he has minor issues with anxiety and depression.till wen he got 2 attacks,one of them was cooled down by medication and the other he was taken to the mentally handicapped unit after fighting and flexing with helpers who didn’t have an idea of what he was suffering from.That was the most terrible time i had and cried with alot of pain saying why did this have to happen to him.he used to have sleepless nights,sweat in the night,aggressive,write whatever comes to his mind and insult me with abusive statements.He is on daily medication of one tab of resperedon and one of sodium valporate to calm his situation.Was with him through his hard times and he loves me sooo much that he wants me to bear him kids.left him his his home and felt heart broken cos my sister and bother picked me from our home and he cried silent tears in the heart!i love him too cos hes done lots and he truelly loves me but wnt it affect my children??he fears i may break his heart again.am confused,pliz Dr,help
I was trying to search about ways of stopping bipolar siezures but seems there are ways of reducing it other than healing it.i am 25 years and I have been with my boyfriend of 33 yrs for 1 and 1/2 mths and left his home 5 mths ago due to the pressure i had frm my family to leave him cos of his illness!he proposed to me and loves me soo much.wen we moved out to stay together,his uncle told me to ensure that he takes his medication daily.i asked him what he is suffering from and told me he has minor issues with anxiety and depression.till wen he got 2 attacks,one of them was cooled down by medication and the other he was taken to the mentally handicapped unit after fighting and flexing with helpers who didn’t have an idea of what he was suffering from.That was the most terrible time i had and cried with alot of pain saying why did this have to happen to him.he used to have sleepless nights,sweat in the night,aggressive,write whatever comes to his mind and insult me with abusive statements.He is on daily medication of one tab of resperedon and one of sodium valporate to calm his situation.Was with him through his hard times and he loves me sooo much that he wants me to bear him kids.left him his his home and felt heart broken cos my sister and bother picked me from our home and he cried silent tears in the heart!but what i realised is that anxiety triggers the attacks cos out of too much anxiety esp wen he’ s expecting some big sum of money.i love him too cos hes done lots and he truelly loves me but wnt it affect my children??he got 2 attacks the year i was with him.he fears i may break his heart again.am confused,pliz Dr,help
i want to thank everyone so much for sharing all their experiences with bipolar relationships. i sit and read and reread people’s blogs over and over to get over the breakup and sometimes that’s the only thing that works. ironically, i am embarassed to say that i am a therapist myself and i’m in therapy and still was not able to extract myself. i was even more tolerant because i thought i could fix his bipolar as i am able to fix many of my clients with lesser problems. i excused the constant breakups and mean words because of his disorder. i would neve have tolerated this from someone without issues. i have never dealt with siuation as hurtful and confusing as the on and off again relationship with my ex boyfriend, and hadn’t dealt with bipolar people in my therapy practice. i didn’t understand why i was getting so depressed after the final breakup and why i couldn’t stop obsessing about him. i see that a relationship with a bipolar person who keeps loving you so intensely then pulling the rug out from under you makes the most rational person feel emotionally unstable themselves. it is so unfair. we give and give and they take advantage of our kindness. we blame ourselves for their actions. we need to accept it is the bipolar, a switch goes off in their head when they are too sressed or overwhelmed and they cannot tolerate such loving emotions. they do love us one day and really do not love us the next day. they confuse us and give us no closure. they take us up to the highest high of happiness and crash us down to the lowest low with no warning. no wonder we feel so bad afterwards. i don’t know what else to say, i hope this post helps some other people like all the posts have helped me. thanks everyone for sharing.
Hi there everyone. lovely to read of all your stories you are sharing.
I am one of “them”. Of course, I never ued to be, but then one day I really fell in love…
and I had heard “God is Love”
So, when I was 27 I said to God, “OK, I will believe in you 100%, whatever that means, as I have sitting on the fence all this time. In 27 years I will write a book and give my opinion on the decision I have reached.”
Of course, the moment one had mentioned God, then religious fervour became a symtom… ever thought perhaps He has something to do with it?
Grandiosity, now there’s another one. Well, yes, I do see my highest potential, do you not see yours?
Medication? Well, I only use natural medicines… and have been off the chemical alternatives for over 2 years now. Relatively successfully. Surely I can still be emotional, however, what I am learning is to discern the difference between my feelings and my emotions.
Emotions can be live waves in the rapids on the Zambezi, however, like the rapids on the Zambezi, I am no longer afraid and have learned how to deal with them.
Yes, the lessons are extreme, but as my younger sister says, Philippa, you’re an extremist, so you’d better just learn to live with it.
What a wonderful website! It brought me to tears just knowing that people have similar experiences.
I was with someone who was bipolar and she would always turn things around and make me feel guilty that I did something wrong.
We broke up a year ago and recently have been seeing her. We slept together and then she freaked and started seeing another guy. Then I saw her again, she initiated the sex and then turned it around as if I was seducing her and didn’t want it to happen. She wants me but she also wants me a million miles away.
She owes me alot of money. Gets mad at me for no reason. Has this anger towards me I don’t understand.
But I always felt guilty. As if it was my fault but now I understand it is the disease. Sometimes, things are out of our hands. No matter how much love you give, how much money, time and whatnot, it is up to them to seek out help. We can only do so much.
Oh I wish, I could wave a magic wand and make her all better. I love her very much. I am so sad. Even with all the horrible stuff that has happen, I do wish her well.
Please be patient with me when i am low or when im high. Please dont think or say im lazy when i could do one thing but not the same the next day. please dont think im lazy when i cant get out of bed. please dont tell me how im feeling, because you dont know. I dont even know. Please dont go away when i ask you too. i need you the most when i spit these words at you.
please dont take the piss out of my bipolar and please dont take the piss about my biplolar with your friends. its okay for me to take the piss. ;laugh with me.. not at me.. because this is how i cope with it. please dont take it personal when i am mean and aggressive. please dont ask me to repeat myself more than three times when im babbling on. dont tell me to speak up or god forbid cheer up! please dont tell me im dragging you down, please dont tell me you argued because of me. instead tell me your going to be there when i get thru this. please dont walk on egg shells i am not retarded. please dont say ” im not a mind reader!” please tell me the things calmly when i am more “stable” the things i done that upset you. please dont get angry with me if i can not remember. please remember your true daughter, the girl you fell in love with or the reason as to why your my friend when you start to wonder where i went. i will come back!! please dont say that im ungrateful, please dont say that i am selfish. the bipolar is. but not me. please dont be offended when i dont open up to you when i cant stand to be touched when i not been in contact with you for a while, when im like this. dont ask me if im okay.. ask me if i want a hug.. dont tell me you felt like this cause you were depressed for a few days, tell me you love me and that you will be there at the end of it.
please keep tight hold of my hand to keep me grounded or pull me up when i am down. I know its not easy. i know we have to work as a team. i know you need your time out sometimes. i promise i wont get offended when and if you do just let me know. please get help for yourselves weather that be professional or friends, be honest with them. you and me well we have nothing to be ashamed of, so please dont go on like you are. please work with me to work out my triggers, so we can realise when things are getting out of hand.
Im bipolar myself. i hope this helps alot.
wow katrina that just sums me up totally
Its nice knowing we are not alone with our confused minds big hugs to you and all our fellow peeps like us xxx
I wish she knew how much i love her how much i try but she doesnt. I dont think she ever will. Says im no good for her that i trigger her make her worse. I feel so alone and i cant stop crying but cant cry out for help. Just want someone to hold me, wanted her to hold me but she never can. I come on here to vent and i cant even do that cos its used against me. That was how all this started cos she saw something i wrote and said i was lieing to her about how i really feel, that im stringing her along. Whenever we talk she manipulates me and says i have done this, i have fucked her up made her worse, make her cut, trigger her episodes. I can normally shake some things off but ive gotten so weak that i bite back or is it me sticking up for myself cos if i dont ill vanish. I dont know if i can accept been on my own forever emotionally but thats not good enough for her. She demands to know if i accept her or not…what if i cant be her punchbag or i dont handle her teh right way? I know im not entirely alone but i need someone to care for me to. But if i say any of this or vent like i am now then im a liar. Its got to a point now where i just dont know if its the bipolar or if she just doesnt love me anymore. I cant remember the last time we made love, kissed and it was what she wanted. I miss her so much but why? she hates me and is manipulating me at every word. Even when im trying to be rational and reasonable and objective. Will she ever meet me in the middle? I dont think so and im just making myself feel every little bit more worthless whenever i talk to her. She says my love isnt enough. Am i responsible? I really dont feel like i am cos i can put my hand on my heart and say i tried my hardest. Im not a bad person, im not im not im not. I just have to keep telling myself that cos right now i feel useless. Ive not moved for 3 hours. I need help i really do. Please just someone tell me im not alone that. Thats all i need right now. I feel so pathetic. Thanks for listening whoever you are.
Hello Liz.
you really are not alone,
to care for someone, to love someone through thick and thin is a wonderful thing and makes you a wonderful person,
most time the love and caring is returned, but sadly for some of us it will never be.
I am in a similar position.
I love my ex so much. but oh so often she makes me feel as though everything is my fault,
i do things for her and it is never good enough.
I am lucky that i have a period of rest now and am able to look at the situation from afar and realise that it is not my fault, I am not responsible for the situation, if she asks me for help i will give it, i will not offer it,
when she wants to rant about anything, kids, money, holiday, I sit there and nod and agree silently, just knowing and accepting that you can’t help lifts the wait from my shoulder
if she wants to make love, i wait for her to say, again i will not offer.
i find it works for me.
same as you, I have tried so hard over the years.
i would suggest you stop trying as i have.
it is strange but she does not seem so hostile towards me now.
worthless?
pathetic?
useless?
Believe me you are none of these
priceless
simpathetic
useful
these would describe us better
be strong Liz
you are not alone
Thanks Richard. I was quite hysterical when i wrote that last message. Im calmer now and constantly reflecting on things like are things really my fault? We have been on and off so many times but this time feels different. This past year i have been gradually losing her and she has been pushing me away. She says i cant accept her and all of her. But ive been there all this time….trying for nearly 3 years? Trying to support. Maybe i cant accept. Maybe i cant accept that im not as strong as i thought i was. Is that really something i should be punished for? I never even said i wanted it to end she manipulates me. I have been having a hard time at the moment and whilst i tried to be there for her during her episodes i sometimes find it hard to believe she is there for me at all. That really frightens me because i feel i need to be loved and have an understanding with someone. She bombards me with questions with no discussion which i need so if she doesnt hear something instantly it means i dont care or i dont love her. Im sorry im rambling again and i really need to start using paragraphs!
Are you with your ex? This is another thing its so on and off that you cant put labels on some things. You just know in your heart i guess.
Hiya Liz.
It’s good to have a rant, that’s why this site is soo good, nobody will judge you as so many people have been where you are.
I am currently living with my brother and have been for the last 10 months. is still very confusing
one day she will ring me up and we will chat on the phone for hours, laughing and joking.
another day she will ring me up and be horrible.
quick summary of me.
financially am ruined (both of us due to her suddenly giving her job up and me not knowing for 6 months, therefore bills and mortgage not being paid).
my eldest who is 18 had to leave home.
andrew 16 is now living with my parents as he was kicked out and there is no room here.
Shelley 11 is still living with her.
the house is about to be repossesed so the ex and shelley will be placed in emergency housing.
and you probably guessed it is all my fault lol.
for my sanity i have learned to stop trying, have learned to accept that i will be wrong and to blame for everything.
have learned that if she says the grass is blue, my response is “ok, thats nice” lol
I too need to be loved, but have now come to accept that she may love me but is unable to show it.
and because of that i am now back in contact with friends that i lost through this, i get my love through them,
not the same as a loving cuddle but it will suffice
i could really use some support and validation so if anyone can provide that, i’d really appreciate it….my ex boyfriend who is diagnosed bipolar on lamictal and i had a conversation which made me feel worse…. he had broken up with me many times during our 6 months together, and then we were apart for 6, then together for about 2, now over for good. long story short, he always told me how much he loved me, the love of his life/the one, more than his ex wife, wanted to live together, get married, help raise his kids, then he’d break up for no reason and later say it was because he was scared to be hurt like by his ex wife, even tho i never did anything to hurt him. so now he tells me he never loved me, it was not real, and that he only ever cared for me as a friend. this just sounds so much like other posts but i am really hurt and hard to believe it was never love or just freindship. please someone tell me this is the bipolar and that he is going to just do the same thing to somone else. i treated him like gold and now he wont’ even talk to me during a family crisis.
Hi Red,
Your story is so close to my own situation and believe me I know the pain and emptiness you are probably feeling. I am now six months on and I still think about him everyday, wandering if he is okay, what he is doing etc; It does get easier. What helps me to put it all into perspective and to try and make sense of it all is to remember that he is ill and given a choice would he really choose to behave this way….no…i don’t think so… and he did love you, no doubt, but remember he was in a “good place” at that time you were in his life. They can’t love you when they are in a “bad place” when they find stability they may come back but fear your going to hurt them, so often move on to find a renued love….and then this repeats itself all over again…remember he is ill.
Take care.
hi sharon
thanks so much for responding to me, i greatly appreciate it! i am sorry you are going through a similar situation. what i dont’ understand is why he doesnt’ realize it’s his problem and not that he never loved me. he says i’m not the one and that he wants the fairy tale with someone else. i dont’ want to believe he coudl be differnet with someone else and actually be in a good relationship like he thinks he’s goign to. and he seems stable but for how he treated me. can we talk offline somehow? red
Hi Red,
He wants the fairytale with someone else….this is how he is protecting himself….he will probably repeat this behaviour with the next woman. They pull back when they feel overwhelmed (love) and hurt you before they get hurt (Which is what they think is going to happen) I am happy to contact you for a chat…
Take care
sharon
Hi Sharon and Red,
This has happened to me too, so I really appreciate your answers.
So technically this person who is bipolar will not return to me, although he did love me. He pushed me away in a veryr drastic, mean way and has had no contact with me for seven months.
He is going to search for someone else to have the fairy tale with. Right now I know he has no one and I keep hoping he will remember what he did and apologize. Do you believe from your experience that it might be a possibility?
I sincerely appreciate the comments on this post. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on, but the last few posts have piqued my interest since they do reflect my situation.
Thanks so much for any input from you two,
Josie
Hello Josie,
Please do not expect an apology from him. He has done nothing wrong according to his illness (not him) but he will probably hold you responsible for the way he feels (his illness hurts him this makes him think that it’s you that’s going to hurt him) So you get pushed aside. I haven’t heard from mine for 2 months and we have not been together for several months just like Red. Every now and then he will text. I respond with nice kind words and don’t ask questions. I find this keeps the link between us open and safe for him to dip in and out my life. It is difficult and commands a great deal of strategic thinking. But remember this, if we find it all confusing….how do you think they feel. The emotional switch we have, stabalizes us, but for them it is corroded.
Hope this helps you a little.
Thank you for your kind reply Sharon!
You explain it so well. Although there is a lot of information on Google about bipolar disorder, there isn’t that much information about the cruel way in which bipolar people push their loved ones away. I have tried to talk to doctors about it and they also don’t seem to know. I guess it’s as you say, that they get overwhelmed with the emotion and try to stabilize themselves again by getting rid of the person who could potentially hurt them. Although, I had no intention of hurting him. I loved and still love him so much that it hurts. All I wish is for God to send him back to me.
See, mine hasn’t contacted me for seven months at all. Which almost leads me to wonder if he’s bipolar at all. Most posts talk about bipolar people going back and forth and changing their minds a lot. This one has drastically cut off all contact with me, as if I were dead to him. I actually saw him in a parking lot and he pretended not to see me. Have you ever heard of anyone doing that?
Hi josie, not sure if this will be of any help to you but it was to me and answered a lot of my questions, but i thought my bf was bipolar and it turned out not to be, it was anxiety and depression. please have a look at codependancy issues and love addicts, i am codependant it seems and am learning so much about myself now. please just take a little look i hope it helps you. M xx
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for your kind answer.
Yes, he definitely made me feel like a love addict for the last seven months. All I want is to see him again. Maybe I am codependent or a love addict.
I looked it up. It’s what I feel like.
Thank you,
Josie
Hi Josie,
Yes my X, long before my time with him…left his “then” partner for 18 months. After 18 months he went back to her. During these 18 months he had another relationship.
I believe I too was an infill! The last time i was contacted he informed me he was on good terms with his long term partner… he has 2 grown up children and has been with her for 18 years overall.
There does seem to be a common denominator to people living with Bipolar and that is….they usually have a long term X partner, who has been “bad” to them. But they always seem to return to them. So I believe i was an infill…but anice one for him. However I would not go back..
good to chat with you…..
Thank you Sharon!
Mine had been married twice, but divorced with both women. He told me his first wife was a “b….” and he left her, but his best friend married her, which leads me to believe she couldn’t have been that mean. The second wife left him because he was heavily depressed and on lithium (that’s where I believe he his bipolar), because I can’t believe a woman would leave the man she loves because he is depressed. He must have been so difficult to live with. He broke up with women before me just because they wanted to know where they stood in the relationship. Once he makes up his mind, he doesn’t go back to them. A friend of mine wondered if he could be borderline. But anyways, it’s OK. I am trying to heal. I don’t think he will ever contact me again. Thank you for being kind and answering my post. You are so nice.
Josie
hi sharon thanks so much for your reply!!!! very helpful!!!! my email is iloveclassicrock@hotmail.com if we could correspond that would be great.
also josie my heart goes out to you also and feel free to contact me also. in my experience, he never came back without me pulling him back. he broke up with me over 10 times in 2 months, then stayed away for 6 with no contact. then came back for 2 after i kept contacting him. he said he missed me every day during that time and never stopped loving me, but later said he never missed me and never loved me. after the last episode he made it clear he does not want me pulling him back anymore and does not even want to remain friends. to top it off he added that you’re not the one for me comment on top to hurt me even more and leave me with a visual of him being prince charming being with a different princess making her happy like he should have with me. sorry to be repetitive. thank you for listening and for your feedback it is greatly appreciated.
ps oops i meant over 10 times in 6 months if that matters…
pps dear sharon and josie and michelle and everyone,
josie-rest assured if he was on lithium, he was diagnosed as bipolar no need to doubt that… also
my ex was divorced also and said she was a b, but i agree why woudl someone kick someone out who them loved for being depressed, he also had supervised visitation of his kids for 2 years and said it was because she was vindicitive about the bipolar…
anyhow what i wanted to also say was i think we shoudl work on not wanting to be with people who leave us! that is what i am doing, and try to move on to healthy relationships with people who will not leave. personally, i never woudl have stayed for that breaking up behavior if not for his diagnosis, i shoujld have let him go after the first couple times he broke away and i wouldn’t be suffering a year and a half later.
my best to all, excuse the typos, red (rachael)
Well, well, well!!!! our stories are so very similar aren’t they. So there is no doubt in my mind that all of our x partners live with bipolar. So if we secure a relationship with them, that means we too live with this bipolar to an extent… I do believe that it takes a lot of skill, time and attention…to find stability. I do believe it is possible but you would have to gage this based on the behaviour of the person when they are well. Something triggers thier behaviour. I noticed with mine, it was because I enquired about a holiday for me and my 2 children…..that was it, I blew it….it sent him on a downward spiral and he disappeared! Thinking about it he felt totally pushed away and hurt that I didn’t include him (although I new he wouldn’t go on holiday as he said so prior.) So if you think about it carefully I bet you will find a trigger point before your partners departed…..But bare in mind to a mentally well person whatever was said and done it wouldn’t even be considered as a trigger for an argument never mind a break up! I hope this makes sense…
hi sharon
yes it makes sense to me because of dealing with a bp person, he used to cut and run whenever he made plans for me to move in or meet his parents, whenever the commitment got too much or it was becoming too real. ironically this last breakup he said his feelings and our connection were never real, completely the opposite of what he was telling me all along.
we should not have to deal with this and be with peopel who want the relationship to progress naturally through landmarks such as interacting with kids and family and becoming more serious with each other. there were other triggers which were insigificant as well such as asking him to drive to see me or anything that he considered to be inconvenient that other men/boyfriends wouldn’t mind doing such as as i said driving to see me.
hoep that makes sense. sorry about the bad typing.
i could sure use some more validation on the fact that he will do this to someone else that is what i am still struggling with.
thanks so much for everyone’s help
rachael (red)
ps sharon- yes to comment on your comment, i was told by my therapist that it was a bipolar relationship as well, and never in my life had i feel so confused and depressed as when in this relationship. i am normally an easygoing happy temperament person, but this relationship and his constant ups and downs and love/no love/leave/come back made me feel obsessive, desperate, and unhappy. i hope this helps.
Unfortunately Red, yes he will do this again, it is a characteristic of his illness. You must stop thinking it’s just you. You did nothing wrong but love and nuture him….he is incapable of validating that. That’s why you are left feeling confused and hurt. Remember this…he is ill….he wouldn’t have deserted you otherwise…
Take care
Sharon
hi sharon,
thank you so much. i am going to do my best to keep telling myself that. all my best, rachael
im so angry right now,he left me so many times and says its for the best,why cant he let me go!I say to him ok and start trying to get things sorted and cut him off,i took him off facebook and asked for my stuff back and he say if i want hell drop it back when he picks up our daughter….if i want!!???wtf!!!He says its for the best hes not on my facebook because it will be painful to see whats going on.I say i dont want to move on and im not going anywhere because i love him and then he says thats up to you but im sure you will get over it soon enough and move on i just dont want it in my face!Any idea what hes going on about,he left me and i dont understand,i thought he was depressed but hes so angry at me.He is playing with me and i dont know what to do.
Hi Sarah,
This is typical behaviour of someone who has bipolar. Maybe he is projecting how he is feeling on to you and this is the way he does it. (breaking up) He knows it makes you angry and hurt and that’s the way his illness makes him feel. But he can’t control how he feels, his illness won’t allow it….just something to bare in mind..
Take Care.
i told him i love him and ill be his friend if thats all he can handle but im not leaving him,i want to help and he keeps saying im gonna leave him and he wonders how long its going to be before im wiith someone else,he says he doesnt want it rubbed in his face.And when i said ill start moving on and dating he said he wont look after our daughter because ‘hes not my babysitter’.I have just resigned myself to being a friend,im so sad i miss him and i want my family.He says he cant give me what i want and its for the best,the only way i can think of showing him my love is by standing by him as a friend and trying to put my emotions to one side.He might realise im not going to leave him because of his problems.He says im the only one who can hurt him in the world and that he cant do it because i make him feel vulnerable and that although i say i wont hurt him he doesnt believe me.He says he feels miserable in te relationship and cant stand the pressure or expectation.He also says he cant give me what i want because of this,a commited relationship.Anymore suggestions?
I met and got togther with my now ex partner 8 years ago we have a beautifull 6 year old daughter.We’ve been split this time for about 2 months I say this time because in the 8 years there was only one year she didnt leave me and then in 6 months or so come back saying she had made a mistake that she was messed up and needed help that she loved me always would.Twice she left me for other guys but always the same she would come back etc.. and I love her that much and us as a family that I forgave her every time beleiving that it was some kind of emotional problem and understandibly I now have pretty major anxiety and self esteem problems as a result.It wasn’t until after she left me for the first guy that I and my family started thinking that it was more than just depression or anger problems or the result of a rough upbringing and started trying to figure out what it was.For a little while I thought maybe she had a full blown split personality disorder, the girl I love and the girl that comes back is like a completly different person to the one that leaves and is so horrifyingly abusive both physically,verbally and emotionaly.After this happened a few times it was my Dad who suggested that she may have bi-polar disorder I had heard the term before and manic-depressive but didnt fully understand whaty it entailed.After reading as much as I could find on the subject it all seemed to fit and the next time she came back I talked to her about it and after a while she came around to the idea that this may be the problem.We tried to get her help but these things take time and after while things seemed to be fine or I guess we both just wanted to think they where and forget all the bad and get on with our lives but as you all know it dosn’t work like that with bi-polar.She left me again for another guy and the usual “I never loved you you loser I dont need you I cant stand you”etc…I guess thats the manic state when she feels she dosn’t need me and that no matter what she says or does she is in the right and I’m in the wrong,then comes the depressive when she sends me txt saying she wishes she was dead that I’m better off without her that I deserve someone better etc…then after a while she seems to slip back to “normal” and thats when she comes back sorry.The last time she left me for the last guy we where apart for a year we got our own places that was a bad year for us both it did’t last long with the guy she came back sorry maybe five times that year then a week later Im the loser again it looked as if her bi-polar was switching to rapid cycle it was a different person one week to the next sometimes it seemed a different person from morning to night.You can imagine what this has done to myself and our daughter.After a year she seemed to calm and said she was going to stick with the help and meds etc.. and she did all on her own went and got help got the meds and for a while I said I couldnt go back I had given up and had dated other women and was trying to get on with my life but she kept trying.Eventually I moved back in with her and our daughter that was abot nine months ago things where really good I ended up buying her the second ebgagment ring Ive bought her I threw the first in a river when she left me for the first guy.But she stopped taking the meds and the rollercoaster came back the monster out of the box and she now says she has no problem its all me and she will be fine if I just leave her alone,she even denies that she was ever diagnosed and if I try and mention bi-polar to her she either yells or hangs up the ph.So here I am again heart broken and wondering if she will come back sorry again and wether I can swallow my pride again I’m beginning to doubt wether I can I love her so much but all it takes is for her to stop the meds…Im still wondering wether this time thers another guy I dont know I guess it dosn’t matter.Im sorry to say it guys but bi-polar really sucks its made the last say seven years of my life hell but Im so glad I found this site its good to know theres other people that understand what its like to love someone with this problem or have the problem.I sent the link to her via email but I doubt she read it.
The saddest part is that I really want her to be happy and if I could believe that she would really be happier without me the that would be something but I know that without help she never really will be not for long anyway, if she dosn’t do something about it she will ride rollercoaster for the rest of her life and it will sabotage any happiness that comes her way and thats a horrible thought because I care about her so much probably a hell of a lot more than I do about myself.
Sorry if this goes on and on as I am still unsure of what I have been going through. My wife and I met in college in her state but in a state other than my own, and she was so easy to get along with, very bubbly, sweet, kind, loving, in a word wonderful, people gravitated towards her. I felt very close to her. We dated for a few months and then broke up, both of us agreed, mostly me because I was scared of committment at that point in my life. We remained friends for a while, hung out all the time and then got back together a few months later. Basically every now and then she would blow up on me and show me a list of “faults” of mine, usually very petty stuff. I would fix these things as quickly as possible to make her happy, but months later another list would appear. The list got smaller and smaller as time went on. A couple years into it I was home for summer break and was going to go to a bachelor party for a friend. She was upset that I was going and broke up with me. I said, look if it is that important I won’t go, but she still broke up. I was devastated but I went and had fun and tried to move on. A few weeks later I get a call at my summer job from her saying that her father had a heart attack and she was upset, wanting me to come up without actually asking, though she knew I would. Well I love her so much still that I headed up. Her father was recovering and fine, but she wanted me back. So I went along because I loved her so much. A year later she started grad school and was under extreme pressure and stress. She would say things to me and do things that were so cold and hurtful that it seemed inhuman. This went on until I graduated that semester and she quit grad school and came with me to my state and (Boston) for work. Things were fine for a while without the stress. Then she would become stressed about work and then issues would arise. It was at this time that she was diagnosed depressed. Then she became pregnant. We bought a house. The baby and the lack of sleep stressed her out and she became that monster again. Once again, cold and mean. I never seemed able to please her. One day loving and kind and happy and glowing, and the next day depressed and thinking we aren’t meant for each other. The periods might last a day, a week, a few weeks, but usually no more than that. The time period at the house was horrible. We tried marriage counselors, but she would stop going after a while. It was always my fault. Granted I am not perfect, but I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated poorly. She would quit the counseling it seemed whenever the attention turned to her. She cheated on me during this time with a coworker and although regretful, has recently, 3 years later, looked him up on the internet as well as 2 years ago. When I confronted her about it, I got the I’m just curious answer. Though I wonder if she still has feelings for this married jerk. Over the past few years, she has had very little to complain about. We moved to her state so she could stay home with our kid, be closer to her family, equi-distant from our respective families. Her staying home was one of her desires since we had a kid, to get them out of daycare. I have been demonized and told that I don’t make enough money, compared to the guy she cheated on me with that he makes more money, and she has said things like I pale in comparison to him. The first time she kicked me out of the newest house I felt that she backed herself into a corner by telling everyone how horrible I was and “abusive”. The irony right. So when I moved into the apartment it wasn’t more than 2 months that she wanted me back. She has threatened me with divorce at least 12 times since we have been married. The last time she left, yesterday, the morning was like any other, I kissed her and told her I loved her, she told me she loved me and I told her to try and relax and take it easy and told her to have a nice day, she did the same. We just had a baby months ago, and I knew the stress would get to her, and it has, the past months have been brutal. I drove our oldest son to summer camp and went to work. I got home that night to a note and half our stuff gone. She moved in with her parents. I can’t describe the craziness of all of this. I am crazy in love with her, which seems to be a common thread with BP significant others. She hasn’t been diagnosed as BP, but what do you think? Is she? She contradicts herself all the time, for instance, she wanted to stay home with the kids and fought for years for that opportunity since we couldn’t afford for that in my more expensive state and then a few weeks ago comes to me stating that she wants to go back to work???? I say we tried that and it didn’t work, you fought with me all the time to stay home even though we couldn’t afford it. She then says that I control her since I don’t want her to go back to work. Again???? I never said that, I just want her to think about stuff before she immediately makes decisions. Sometimes I feel she can be extremely impulsive. I find myself walking on egg shells all the time at home over the little things she expects from me. If I don’t do them, then I get scolded. She is extremely controlling with me around the kids, if I try and do anything with the baby, she hovers and then grabs him saying I am doing it wrong. She has recently accused me of being controlling. When I called her out over her accusations that I am controlling, she then goes on to accuse me of being abusive.
Then I call her out over those and she doesn’t have an answer. I ask how do I abuse you? How do I control you? She uses examples from many years ago, one of them was like 12 years ago, and they were a stretch. I am not perfect, but I am sure we have all done stuff throughout our lives that we aren’t proud of, and when those years of indescretions are combined, as a whole they could paint us as monsters. She never seems to forgive and forget and holds onto past hurts forever, almost as a safety blanket. I can apologize for something and find myself apologizing for it for years and years. Always seems to be used against me to guilt me and make me feel bad during an argument. Stress definately triggers her overreactions. It is the impulsiveness and the inhumanness of her actions and reactions that cause me to beleive she might be BP. My family thinks I am crazy for still loving her, and maybe I am. I like everyone on here sees the beauty of the person when they aren’t that monster. I know it isn’t her when she has these “episodes”. So, what do people think, is my wife BP?
Luke, I can’t help but feel bad for you. I read these stories and sense a commonality. The leaving and then coming back. The reality “normal” side and then the monster side. My wife has said things like she wishes she was dead too, and that she wants to eat herself to death. She has an eating disorder and is overweight and has a horrible self image issue and sometimes will ask me why I love her. She says sometimes that she basically doesn’t want to take care of herself until she just dies. But then a few days later will look into being a physical therapist or a dietician or running a marathon and then start working out. I tell friends and family this and they just shake their heads. My family thinks I should just focus on the kids and try and remain the only normal parent for them as a role model. My oldest son is very intuitive and I think is picking up on her behavior. I would love for my wife to get diagnosed. I have no doubt there is some mental issue. I think that is the hardest part, them admitting there is a problem with themselves, since nothing is ever their fault.
hi sharon,
you have been so helpful to me, could you email me so we can discuss our previous posts further? my email is iloveclassicrock@hotmail.com
thanks so much red (rachael)
ps and to everyone on this post struggling with their bipolar partners’ leaving, please try to have the strength to let them go if you can…this relationship brought me, an otherwise stable, happy, together, confident person who used to have a strong backbone, to their knees and i’m still taking too long to get over it.
Thanks panda I feel bad for you too.I was wondering if someone on here with experience could tell me wether they think there is ever any chance of having a fairly normal stable relaitionship if she decides to really stick with the meds or wether the pattern of the past will be the pattern of the future.Can bi-olar sufferers really change or would it always be the same obviously no one can see the future and situations differ from person to person but any input/advice would be appreciated
i’ve been in a relationship with this boy j for the past 4-5 months. us even getting together was a bad situation, because he was my ex’s good friend. also, we started off as a very physical fling, but as time went on we developed genuine feelings for each other.
over the last 5 months, he has broken up with me 7 times. the last time we broke up (and have stayed broken up) was about a month ago, in end july. right now, we’re not officially back together. things are in a dramatic push/pull right now.
one week he cold-shoulders me, and tells me he has no more feelings for me, no longer gives a shit about what i do, doesn’t want to care/try anymore, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.
the next week he caves, and tells me he has never stopped loving me, and wants me to promise to tell him everything (because i hide certain things from him, things that i’m afraid might hurt him), and that he wants me to show him that i love him more than anything else in the world.
unfortunately, against my better judgment, i’ve been trying to confront him about what we are, and where we stand. we’re both ’single’ but both emotionally attached to one another. i still consider him ‘mine’ and he considers me ‘his’. and this confrontation frustrated him and so yesterday he told me he thinks it’s the best for the both of us if we take a break from each other. he says he’s not sure what he feels towards me.
and then last night we argued online, and he exploded on me again, told me to do whatever i want, because he doesn’t want to be there for me anymore, and that i should just go ahead and find someone else to take care of me.
i’m certain that i still want him. i love him to the point that even though i keep feeling hurt by him, i want to shower him with the affection i feel he really deserves.
i hope someone with bipolar can advise me what to do on this… i have the feeling that he wants me to reassure him and to smother him with love and affection, but with him pushing me away so fiercely i’m afraid i might aggravate him instead
please help me.
A book I am reading that I am hoping will help me deal with this is “Codependent No More”. I think BP’s create codependents. Red, you are right, letting go is really the only healthy thing for us. I was strong too. I gave my heart and life to her and in marriage and close relationships that is a healthy and normal thing when you trust that person. In my situation she uses my love for her against me. I try explaining it to family and they don’t understand. You see this person when they are normal and they are loving, and everything is wonderful, like it should be, and then your world is turned upside down and you become a whipping post, a doormat. What keeps you in it. I thought about this a lot, and the only answer I can say is that since you know deep down it isn’t their fault, you almost feel sorry for them. That is the codependency. Thinking of others before yourself.
In my case I didn’t start seeing the crazy behavior until much later, 2 years into the relationship. Up until then I thought our problems were all because of me and didn’t think it was abnormal for her to create a list of faults of mine. It was my first serious relationship so I was clueless. I was made to beleive that I was always the problem. The first real sign of abnormal behavior was when she was in grad school and stressed out of her mind. She would be so vicious and cold. It seemed so inhuman. Monster is the best word to describe it. I started connecting the dots with the stress link much later when we had our first baby. The problem is life is full of stresses. Granted her blowups now are much less than they were, certainly less monsterish, but still just as cold. I think it is due to the fact she doesn’t work now and is home with the baby. Now I realize I am doing everything I can and it still isn’t enough. Letting go is the hardest thing because you know it isn’t their fault. I am really hoping this book helps me. I am envious of those of you whos significant others are on meds. My wife has only been diagnosed depressed at this point. I fully expect her to go ahead with the divorce, but then again, she has done this before, though each time she seems to up the ante.
i am also a girlfriend of a man with bipolar, or should i say, fiance. I am torn in so many directions right now. The largest problem of the relationship, is his mother. She also is bipolar, and cannot let go of her baby. She currently lives with us, and pretty much refuses to leave and live with her own husband. She has only been married 3 months and she refuses to move in with him, because she says her baby needs her. We are just fine when she is not here. She has these WILLLDDD episodes, that even sends me in a whirlwind. She is always trying to pin me and my fiance against eachother. She is always making up these wild lies which make the home front verryyyy unstable. My fiance is soo up and down. He worrys soo much about his mother and soo many other things. The way he puts things is, like comparing me to his mother. I can’t bake as good as she does, or cook as good as she does, or even clean like she does. I feel like im in constant competition with his mother. This is more than enough to make me crazy. The largest problem with this situation, is his mother does EVERYTHING for him, then puts it on me to do everything. The man don’t even know how to use a washer. He doesn’t know how to do dishes, shit he don’t even know where his medication is kept. He honestly doesn’t even know what medication he is taking. I have looked at the bottles many times, and theres a big problem. Hes taking 5 different pills, only 3 of which are his and only one is for depression, the other two are for his stomach and his back pain. The other two have HER NAME on them! I don’t even know how to go about that situation!
Then hes like so up and down with our relationship. He has like a porn addiction, like a serious one. Since ive confronted him about 100 times he slowly came to a complete stop. But now he goes on craigslist and looks at the personal adds and only ones with pictures. Its always the women for men adds. It has even gone to his myspace. He is messaging many many many females, requesting them as friends, and just looking at pictures. It tears me up! Especially because our first month together, we were having sex at least twice a day. Now honestly im lucky if its once a month. We have been together a short amount of time, only about 5 months. We decided on getting married, beacause im leaving for the military. I was supposed to leave in September, but now my date got pushed back until next June. I have tried sooo many things to get him to have sex with me. Ive worn the sexy outfits or just jumpin on him completely naked. I was actually giving him oral sex the one day, because i had confronted him about the sex situation and he told me he wanted me to take control. So i did, and he flat out just laid there no noises, no movement, NOTHING. And i started my way up to his face n he said im sorry i got alot on my mind, and LITTERALLY pushed me away! I could have just dropped dead on the spot! He says o its not you, i just think alot!
He doesn’t speak to my family. I try toonnsss of things to like get him to interact, but nothing works. He keeps to himself 100%! When we’re home, its like we live two seperate lives. He is always either sleeping, or playing his xbox, or on the computer! I have caught him texting many many other girls, but when i confront him, waaattcchhh ouutt!! Its like it is my fault for finding it! He tells me, you look to hard, or its your own fault for digging. Honestly i don’t dig, ive gotten on the computer from time to time and when i type in a website ones hes visited have come up and when i see that hes been talking to girls of course im going to look at the history. Which is when i find more and worse. He has changed his passwords for everything, and hiding his phone. I feel like a fat ugly piece of shit anymore. If i do confront him about anyything, it gets turned around on me and he blows his gasget punching walls and things, and swearing at me. And after all of that, tells me he loves me so much and doesn’t ever want to be without me. And begs me never to leave him. I get so confused when all of this happens. Its almost like hes subconsiously asking me to leave, but doesn’t actually want to say it so he doesn’t look like a bad guy. He never talks to me about anything thats going on. If i mention ANY guys name he automatically thinks im cheating with them. Ive never been a cheater and my last relationship was baaddd. I was cheated on and had NO idea, and my ex ended up with two girls pregnant and didn’t even have the guts to tell me the girls boyfriend, and sister told me about it. So i am so afraid of that happening again and i see all of these things. And the way he reacts to everything its soooooo hard to handle! He hears me speak of a guy or a guy says hi to me when were out in public n he 100% shuts down. He wont speak to me for days, until hes good and ready to like “confront me” with what hes been thinking. He always ends up appolagising because its always something little and stupid. He says my mind just runs miles i can’t help it im sorry.
I keep telling him i want to move south after i get out of the military but he doesn’t want to. It almost seems as if he wants to stay close to his mom. Everytime something happens, like he gets good news he calls his mommy, not me. When something bad happens, he calls his mommy crying. I cant handle no communication. I do EVERYTHING for him, cook, clean, do his laundry(wash, dry, fold/hang up, and put it all away) put out his meds, wake him up in the morning for work(he doesn’t wake up to an alarm clock, i have to set the alarm for an hour before he has to be up and wake him up about every 10 minutes for that whole hour so as he says he can “adjust”). When i say anything to him about asking for some help he says I WORK! what do you do? At that point i just wana lose my mind. Most of the time i bite my tounge because when i do say something things get waayy out of control. I cannot keep living like this. I have no one to talk to about it either, because i don’t want anyone to think bad of him, or me for being so crazy about all of this! Ive alienated myself from everyone and everything! Everytime i walk out of the door, he goes to check and make sure all of my things are still here. Most of the time, i don’t go ANYWHERE because everytime i do go somewhere he finds some reason to fight with him while im there and when i come home. I love him, i truely truely do, that is why i have stuck around all this time. I just do not know what to do, because i do not want to get married if things are going to keep getting worse like they have been.
If anyone has any suggestions on what i should do, please i would appreciate any help i can get!!
dear panda,
thanks for pointing out the codependency issues, i had not even thought of that and that is a huge part of all this. about the meds…my ex was on meds and still the mood changes and constant breaking up. i was told by many friends who are therapists that meds only even a person out so they are functional in society – hold down job, take care of kids, but it does not eliminate the swings jsut makes them less bad so they can function, and they still are incapable of having deep meaningful stable love relationships.
Red,
I have heard that the meds help them be happier and have more stable moods. I hope that is not true about the meds. I can’t beleive that she will be unhappy for the rest of her life.
My wife can hold down a job and take care of the kids. In fact she tries to be the best mother in the world to the point it exhausts her. She tries so hard but is so unhappy. She gets depressed but is a functioning person. She can do things and get stuff done, but is just plain unhappy. I am blamed for every little thing. I am blamed for her unhappiness. She is depressed most of the time and stresses can trigger her to “not love me” then leave me. Then a month or two later, she adores me and is so lucky to have me. She is so confident when she makes a snap decision to leave me, so cold, no emotion. I can only beleive this would be the mania side. My answer has been to try and lessen the amount of stresses in her life (triggers), but that just makes the mood swings less dramatic and less frequent, a good thing, but she still is unhappy and blames me and still has a blow up every now and then. I think she is telling her family that I am abusive and controlling, because they seem to run to her rescue. She will do that and then run to me complaining that she can’t take them anymore. She has told me I am abusive and controlling though I just can’t see it. I constantly feel I am walking on eggshells around her. She has always been a hot head, quick to temper and I always thought that is just something that is her, not a disorder. She definately got that from her father, because he quit jobs all the time. I have heard that her father slept around a lot and cheated on her mother. I have heard that there are strong genetic ties. It seems to run in families. She told me recently before this last blowup she wanted to move to a different house, she recently told me she wanted to change careers, she has no hobbies and can’t seem to do anything other than work or take care of the kids or clean. Clean like crazy. She is tired a lot of the time, and I never seem to do enough. She has quit her last job to be less stressed and work far less from home due to my suggestion. That worked for a little bit and she was happy about the decision, but even that was not enough. The birth of our next baby through her into severe depression, and the blaming and anger seemed to get a lot worse. She blamed me for not making enough money since obviously her lack of income hurt us financially so we couldn’t do the things we did before like eat out a lot etc… In fact it is almost always my fault. She now says that I controlled her by not wanting her to work.??? She didn’t want to work, she made that very clear, in fact years of her yelling at me that she wanted to stay home with the kids but we couldn’t afford it. Now I am “controlling” her to not want her to work? I would love for her to work, but I know whether or not she works is not going to make her happy. By not working she at least has less stress and I have found that to be a trigger.
The book is great, and I have no doubt that people can detach, but when kids are involved and the very nature of who this person you are in love with is, makes it extremely difficult to let go, they never seem to let you. They manipulate you into wanting them back. They know how to use your feelings for them. It is so bizarre. Someone standing on the sideline would probably say RUN!, but you can’t because you love them so much and you know it isn’t their fault. The fact that Rachel, a therapist, could get intwined in the situation of obsessing over the other is telling. Codependency is a huge part of this. They create codependency in the other and that allows them to come back at will. I am struggling with ddetaching even though I know it is what is best for me.
the common denominator in most of these posts seems to be the person with bipolar loving their partner then suddenly not loving them. this is no way for someone to live. i think that ends up being emotional abuse, whether or not it is caused by bipolar.
Im hearing you Red. Thats how i feel about my ex. ive said ex so many times because been so on and off constantly but its like i never existed to her or thats how it feels now. Shes ignoring me completely. Im even becoming highly emotional and panicky as she was with me. Although even through the bad patches i always felt like she still loved me but now i dont. Shes so cold. Ive not seen her for a month now. Im OK but then im not. Im so up and down but i miss her so much. i feel like my world is over without her even though i know its not. Ive been so consumed with her life that now she not around i feel so empty. Its not relief though because i miss her so much. Im feeling so many things. I feel angry because ive been manipulated, i feel hurt, abused and completely tossed aside. She implies that i have done this by my actions but i didnt i wanted us to meet in the middle, talk resolve, wanted her to give a shit about me for change?! Is that bad? That im not strong enough to cope with my own problems and hers? I could take the weight a lot of the time. i think she thinks i blame her and that she didnt try hard enough try but thats not always the case. Its when i tried to talk to her abotu things that could benefit both of us and she woudl think i was attacking her. I still feel useless and worthless. She says im no good for her. I havent told many people abotu anything thats happened because im scared of them rolling their eyes at me and also in the hope that she will care in time but she doesnt. Im sorry im starting to babble. I find i tend to come on here when im really upset because it reassures me to know that people know what im goign through but i come across as a bambling girl with a broken heart. But thats exactly what i am. My heart is broken. It belongs to her. I miss her so much it kills me.
Emotional abuse for sure. Another thing I would add as a common denominator is that the other person generally obsesses over it, becomes a codependent. I know I have.
Generally would you say there is a huge lack of empathy for the other person, the non bipolar person. Like they or their feelings don’t matter. I would say that is something I have noticed, my wife seems inhuman emotionless when she is her manic phase. The blame for her unhappiness seems directed at me and I am labled a monster. My 7 year old son seems to be getting some of it as well. I never really saw it before she left and now being away from it and thinking about it, I see what is happening. It scares me that she has him now 2 and a half hours away at her parents and I only get to see him on weekends. I am planning on talking to a lawyer to find out about my rights. My son says he would rather live with me, I wonder why. My other son is just a baby, so I am not sure I would be able to afford to care for him, but I might be able to get my 7 year old to a safe location.
Sometimes I wonder if she has borderline personality disorder as she shows signs of that as well, overeating, talking of suicide, seeing black and white, projecting. Is there a sure deliniation between the two, or is it common to sees signs of both? I feel overwhelmed.
i love this post. it really lets me know i’m not alone in facing emotional abuse like this. but somehow, even though i’m conscious of the fact that logically, i shouldn’t have to put up with his shit, with all the verbal abuse he throws at me every so often. somehow i feel that HE’S worth the effort, he’s worthwhile. :/
my friends and family think i’m insane for holding on to him even when he shouts at me and tells me he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore, that i just don’t matter, that he doesn’t love me anymore. but… afterwards, he always shows that he still DOES care, that he can’t seem to stop himself from caring for me. he even told me the next morning that ‘i somehow still want to be with you but somehow everytime i’m with you i think of the bad memories’.
i have been trying my best to make him happy, but the little things that make him unhappy… he broods over them and it turns into anger and resentment towards me. it’s very, very bothersome
also, i get the feeling that when he tells me hurtful things and pushes me away, he’s sort of DARING me to walk away from him first. and if i do, he’ll be all self-piteous and ‘wounded’, and perhaps that’d make it easier for him to move on as well. i don’t know, i could be lying to myself, but that’s the way i see it, judging from the… 8 times we’ve broken up within these few months. we just can’t seem to stay away from each other.
Yes emotional abuse it is, when my ex goes through episodes its like shes an emotional vampire as if my pain and heartbreak gives her strength as if the fact that she can inflict so much pain with so little effort empowers and validates her.Its usually not until she sees that I’m feeling better about the leaving that she becomes unsure of herself.Like someone said in a previous post bi-polar makes them feel hurt so they inturn hurt others the abused become abusers even though its bi-polar abusing them not another person and who is the easiest target?the one person closest to you and all they have to do to hurt you is take away the one thing that you cherish and need most-their love-it took me along time to realise this many years of emotional abuse for along time I blamed myself before she was diagnosed,which is probably one of the main reasons I keep forgiving her but emotional abuse is abuse and can be just as powerfull or sometimes more powerfull than physical abuse.Never make the mistake of thinking you are weak for forgiving it just means you care very much about the person and thats a good thing but if someone is not willing to change they never will you can’t wish it on them or force them.Ive given this girl the love of my life chance after chance to make the effort to stick with meds etc..but I’ve now found the strength to walk away if you love something set it free maybe loosing you will be the trigger for them to change DONT PUT UP WITH ABUSE no matter what the reason I was a strong person she brought me to my knees and I’m finaly standing again but its taken a long time-all the best guys
All of you please read about narcissism – have a look on narcissism cured – all mental health problems closely resemble each other so please take a peak and see what you think. i have and it is helping me a lot with a lot of issues not only about them but myself too. i wish someone had said this to me a few years ago. M x
Most people who have been disgnosed with bipolar have been abused as children right? or wrong? so have people with NPD narcisstic personality disorder, and anxiety and depression like bipolar, they have an emotional age of a child. please take a look. M
The bipolar man I dated was severely abused (physically and psychologically by his stepfather).
I also looked up narcissistic personality disorder because his behaviour towards me was like the rage of narcissistic injury, after which, I was discarded into oblivion, without him ever trying to contact me or see me again, as if I were/am dead.
I am not sure whether it is narcissism or bipolar 1.
If it’s narcissism, he will never come back.
If it’s bipolar 1, there’s always the chance he may remember and feel remorse and perhaps call.
Oh Josie,
i am so glad i was able to read your posts.. i cannot even begin to detail my experiences…i tried but was unable to send them for some reason.. i am going to try and send this again to see if it gets to you and others who feel like their heart has been ripped out… i am married and carry not only the guilt of giving in to a friend i grew to love and trust…but the pain and torment of being cast aside like a piece of rubbish never to be contacted again…the pain the confusion it has been 7 months of hell on earth.
How are you going at the moment?
best regards,
hope to speak with you again?
Hi Bonnie,
I am so sorry about what you’re going through. I have been going throrugh the same hell since January first. At first I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I honestly don’t know how I did survive. The anguish was so overwhelming, I had to take time off work and I started seeing a therapist. I joined this post, which has helped me immensely, because I understood finally, that it wasn’t me, but his disease that made him behave so horribly towards me.
He used to call me two or three times a day, sometimes even nine times (in retrospect, it could have been mania) and sometimes he even woke me up at midnight to tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.
I have been in a dead marriage for over ten years and what I mean by dead is that there are no feelings on my part and no physical intimacy at all. We have lived separate lives for over ten years. When I met this other man, I wasn’t thinking of falling in love. He came on to me so sweetly, as a friend and he was so kind. He was so handsome and so charming, and so intellectual, that although I was very nervous and didn’t want to fall in love, I did. He disarmed me with his kindness and swept me off my feet.
A few months into our friendship, he urged me to leave my emotionally abusive marriage. I told him I should wait until I was more financially stable and my kids were finished college, but he (an ex financial advisor) told me it was nonsense and that for my sanity I should do it as soon as possible and that the money aspect would work itself out. He told me he couldn’t wait until I was single, so he could take me to meet his relatives and the house he grew up in as a child; and then we could go out on real dates, in public, like normal couples. He was always worried for me, that my husband would see us when we went out for coffee.
Well, I did leave my home. I moved into an apartment. He was there emotionally for me, calling a few times a day to make sure I was OK and giving me moral support. At Christmas he took off the gold chain he always wore and put it on me. I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. I could feel that he was really being honest.
Then came New Year’s. He called to say that he didn’t do New Year’s Eve because his ex wife ruined it for him, so he never goes out on that evening. I found this a bit weird and at a gut level didn’t believe it, but I accepted it, as I was too busy getting organized in my new apartment.
On New Year’s Day he called me twice, once in the morning and once in the afternoon to tell me that he wanted to take me shopping for a new car that week. He also told me he had been invited by a guy down the street for a few drinks at his house.
That evening at around 9:30, I called him to say “Good Night.” He said he had brought home a young woman, who was too drunk to drive home. She was at the get together he had attended that afternoon and he knew her from the pub he goes to every day. I thought this was very odd. If she was too drunk to drive home, why hadn’t she stayed over at the host’s home to sleep? Why did he bring her overnight at his house? He told me not to get upset because he was already so upset about the fact that her jealous boyfriend had yelled at him on the phone. Her boyfriend wanted to come and pick her up to take her home, but he wouldn’t allow him to.
This felt just too “weird” for me. My gut feelings were telling me that this story didn’t add up. So, I did something I shouldn’t have done. I drove by his house. Her car was in the driveway, which further confirmed my suspicions. If she was too drunk to drive, then how did her car get there?
Anyways, I knocked on the door (the biggest mistake) and she came to the door, but couldn’t unlock it. He did not come to the door. I saw that she was beautiful. My heart sank and I walked away and drove off.
I called him to ask him, “what the heck is going on?” and he said “you’re an idiot”.
This is the guy who loved me, and for whom I had rushed to move out for.
I went home crying and distraught I took off the gold chain he had given me and wrote him a note that said how much I loved him, but that he was free to do whatever he wanted and that I wasn’t going to hold him back. I was heartbroken.
I placed the envelope in his mailbox.
The following day he didn’t call me as he usually did.
That evening I called but he didn’t reply.
I drove by and knocked. I guess I just wanted to say in words: “I love you and please tell me if you don’t love me or if you still do.”
He dialled 911 and when I heard him say my name
to the police officer, I almost died.
That was the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me. It was worse than my father’s dying when I was 19.
Since that horrible day, he has never tried to contact me again.
I have seen him in parking lots and driving by me and he pretends he doesn’t see me.
I emailed him in May and he replied that I am ugly and old and he doesn’t like the way I dress, so he is not interested. He added the “f… off” expression at the end of it.
He never told me he was bipolar, but he had told me he took lithium for depression. He had had several electroconvulsive shock treatments and visited a mental health clinic every couple of weerks
to get his meds adjusted. He had two failed marriages and many failed relationships, which he ended in very rude ways. He told me that when his wife left him, he locked the door behind her and never let her in again. One girlfriend ended up in the hospital for the grief. I should have known better, but he was so kind to me that I couldn’t foresee him doing something horrible to me. I figured I was different. I was kind and polite and understanding. None of that mattered.
Now, I am finally beginning to feel good again. It has been nine months. One of the ladies on this post: Red, has suggested Topix Forum and I have joined that. That has helped me more than anything else.
Please write me back. If you like I can give you my email address.
Please take care!
Hugs,
Josie
Hi Josie,
i still feel unable to write it all down but want to thank you again so very much for answering me..Has anything changed for you..how are you feeling and coping? i am going to keep trying to formulate how to write it all down it may have to be privately at first..
thankyou so very much again
Bonnie x
Bonnie,
I am doing a lot better, although I often still feel very sad about losing what I believed was my big chance at true love. I truly loved this guy, and still do, in spite of the horrible ending.
I met him at the store a week ago and he acted as if nothing had happened.
I still have strong feelings for him when I saw him, but I don’t know what to think. Right now it’s just a wait and see thing. I am not as gullible as before. Now I am wary.
Josie last time you replied you offered your email address if i wanted it… could i please have that now?
Regards,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie,
I have replied to your email with my email address. I didn’t know if I should post it on this forum for everyone else to see, however, if you should not receive it, I will send it again, through this post.
It’s so nice to get your message. If I can be of help, I am here for you. I have gone through hell and back, and now, he’s back again. I will keep you posted.
Hi Josie,
i wrote you a test email on what i thought was your email address but it didnt really seem like it..it said donotreply or something…anyway did you recieve anything from me from my email address… i would like to write about every thing that happened just srugglin a bit still but i will briefly give you an overall snapshot below …can you let me know how to contact you cos you havnt answered the last two maybe you didnt recieve?
How are you doing anyway…i am so very up and down and just keep going over and over stuff… this person seduced me then actually blabbed the most personal details to mutual friends and said how he never respected me and that i was a freak and a space cadet… my girlfriend who i loved and trusted then chose to affiliate herself with him so i lost both of their friendships and have been left humiliated exposed and pornographically described to others…
…i just wanna die sometimes
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
My email address is j_andrews@sympatico.ca
please email me and we can talk further.
Believe me, I have been in the same state as you are now.
It’s been hell.
I have finally, after nine months, arrived at a psychological place of peace and self love again.
It’s not you.
It’s him.
He is bipolar.
When he loses control of his frontal lobe, it’s not even his fault. It’s the disease. Of course, just by looking at him, you can’t tell, because he looks just like a regular, nice human being, but inside his brain, he has a chemical disease called “bipolar disorder”, which lets him behave in unrestrained ways, without any reasoning.
I will send you another website with a video for you to check out.
Please put your heart at ease.
You have to believe that you are a wonderful, beautiful person. You have loved someone so much and that’s not a sin. It’s human, and it’s a good thing.
He cannot appreciate it at the moment because he is not OK/ not normal.
Email me. I want to help in any way I can.
God knows how much pain I have gone through too and it cannot all be for nothing.
Hey Josie,
Can you just let me know if you are you there…? written several times and no reply..are you doing ok/
Bonnie…
Hi Bonnie,
Yes, I am here.
I replied a week or so ago, with my email address. It is j_andrews@sympatico.ca
If you would like to email me directly you may do so. I would love to help you out in any way I can. Please email me and we will chat further.
I hope you’re doing OK. I was worried about you and God knows how much I relate to your pain, since it has taken me nine months to get over mine.
Take good care of yourself.
Talk to you soon,
Josie
How do you know if you just really are no good for them though? everyone has their vices. I guess mine is smoking weed but she was drug induced psychosis but failed to tell me that when we first got together. I quit the weed for about a year but we broke up again so i started again. I know its a bad habit but it doesnt take over my life. Obviously that wouldnt of been great for her. But im one of the most laid back, patient and understanding people i know (especially after been with her) I always tried to reason and compromise but still im a bad person?
I find it so hard to know when the bipolar is talking and when its her. What do i listen to because i cant disregard things that she says. Sometimes i believe she could just get angry?! I felt like i could tell teh difference with her anger but everything else like intimacy, communicating, conversation i just didnt know what was real. I still dont now and it hurts so much. People tell me she loves me does she really? I wish i could grasp what was real and what wasnt. It hurts to not know how much of it was real. Like was i ever really loved?
Its funny because ive been reading back through some of my posts and the more time has gone on i sound like her. Feeling sorry for myself like im the victim but im coming to realise i really was the victim well i feel like one now. I was much stronger in a way when i was with her as i stood up for myself. Now its like im evaluating everything and STILL making allowances for things and questioning myself about everything. Its such a cruel disease to be around. So why do i miss been with her so much?
Grrr :-/
Hi josie, i really think there is a fine line between bipolar and narcissism. have a look at kim and steve coopers website, its called narcissism cured, it is fab, i am so glad i found it. Kim really is great, please read it and you will see. it is so very helpful, i wish i’d found it sooner. please have a look. x
Hi Michelle,
I had looked up narcissism, but this website you suggested is awesome.
I especially feel that this quote from it depicts perfectly how I am feeling because of his actions towards me:
“partners of narcissists are often enraged by how callously their partners can ‘cast them aside’ with no explanation. ”
I feel as if I have been left to die and he doesn’t care.
I found something on codependency that made me feel better. A lot of people who stay in relationships with bipolar people are codependent. Basically this counselor makes the argument that being codependent in and of itself is not bad. In fact codependent people are usually very giving and caring. Mother Theresa was probably the biggest codependent. Think about it, if everyone was codependent, wouldn’t the world be a better place? The problem arises when a codependent person meets someone with dysfunction.
Luke, the feeling better and then she comes back is so true. Everytime I seem to get my life together and feel more calm and confident, she then seems to doubts her feelings, like if he is OK with me leaving then I must have something good. It is bizarre. I have read posts from bipolars on here that say that they can’t accept the other loves them and so doubt it. That would make sense, if you show love, they can’t accept it and feel threatened, but if you don’t, then they feel comfortable and safe. Like reverse psychology. For me, my wife seems to up the ante each time. This time she filed for divorce yet I haven’t recieved the paperwork. I plan on filing as well since she took the kids 180 miles away. My older son has a great relationship with me and my other son is only 7 months old. My older son says he wants to live with just me and has said this even when things were “OK”. He has come to me saying she is doing it again referring to her anger. Quite telling. I believe her moods are affecting his relationship with his mom, and I worry about the long term affects of living with a bipolar. I know it has taken its toll on me. How will it affect him when I am not there as the target? Will he get more? Maybe she will come to her senses and come back and then I can hopefully get her into treatement, but at this point I have to think of the kids and myself not her.
In regards to everyones suggestion there is a fine line between these disorders, I think that is so true. I think mental disorders are like finger prints. Yes, some people have the same swirls, but they are all different. We as humans like to categorize people.
Does anyone on here have a genaral idea of how long the manic phase lasts? In the sense that even when it is over at what point does she view me as important enough to disregard her feelings of anger towards me. Or do these feelings of anger disappear once the manic phase is over?
There is no reasoning with her when she is in the manic phase. I talked to her the other night on the phone about her putting the interests of the kids first and consider coming back so I can be closer to my kids. She said she did consider them and that our oldest is happy. Of course he is 180 miles away and only gets to see me on the weekends. Him and I are much closer than she and him. He says he wants to live with me. She said that if I am saying I am going for custody that I can expect a fight. She ended the phone call by calling me an @sshole, really out of the blue. I talked to her today and she seemed a little more reasonable, but stated she definately wants to divorce me, and doesn’t want to be near me, stated matter of factly, very confidently. That her mom can watch the kids while she goes to school to be a physcial therapist. Years ago she didn’t want to work and wanted to stay home, and I can’t tell you the mental abuse I took for her not being able to do that since I didn’t make enough money. So she continued to work as a contract recruiter. She has a degree and is very intelligent. Eventually we moved to a cheaper state her home state, where we are currently and now she isn’t working and got what she wanted since she was home with the kids and now she wants to go back to work????? It is just amazing the want something don’t want it attitude that bipolars seem to have. I have three questions that I would love answers for.
Are bipolars searching for an elusive happiness that they will never find?
At what point will she possibly see what she is doing is wrong? Will she? Or will she continue down this road since she might look foolish not to in front of friends and family?
What steps can I take to help her come to her senses?
Any suggestions from people with bipolar would be most appreciated. Any ideas from people in my circumstance would also be welcomed.
hi panda
i want to say first please also go see a therapist and get their advice, i don’t want you to go on secondhand advice. my close friend who is a well known therapist advised me you cannot reason with an unreasonable person, regarding my situation with ex bf. he also said you cannot make sense of a person who does not make sense. my own therapist said bp people have “bipolar rage” which can be scary. in my opinion yes they are searchign for happiness that will always elude them. my ex said he was a perfectionist and never happy with anything. in the words of mary j blige, “doesn’t matter if you go along with their plan, they’ll never be happy cause they’re not happy with themselves.”
hang in there.
ps the past couple weeks i have taking the energy and thought that i had been putting into endlessly thinking about my ex bf and analyzing what i did wrong/obsessing etc. (btw that was an excellent point in a previous post about the non bp partners all obsessing about the relationship)…i have been putting that energy into looking for a new relationship. so far i am meeting new people who seem to actaully want commitment, stability, and happiness and an even keeled life. talking to new people has gotten my mind unstuck from thinking about him and wanting him back. at least i know there are other people out there that will appreciate my kindness and actually want to give it back and have a good life and that actaully exists. i don’t want him and the drama and uncertainty back anymore. i want someone stable to like and love me consistently. i am goign to keep on keeping on until i find it and get into a good relationship. i am not going to waste my time, life and money on therapy trying to figure him out anymore or get him back. i hope others can try to meet other people too. there are nice people liek us out there to be in relationships with. keep the faith everyone!
hey everybody,
i’ve been reading posts for a while, but my situation is so complicated, it seems like it would take forever to describe it. but here goes.
my wife hasn’t been diagnosed, but has always had mood swings. (together almost ten years, married eight.) a year and a half ago, she started having sudden depressive episodes that would last a few weeks, followed by periods of two or three months where everything was fine. we were about to move cross country, i got into a great school in new orleans, she was excited about it, then she started totally breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming without provocation, etc. she stabilized for about a week, and we decided to go ahead with the move, she’d feel better once we were gone. the house was half-packed up, we’d sold our airconditioner and bookshelves and kitchen table, we were just about to rent a u-haul. . .
then i woke up one morning and she was gone.
all year, she’d been insisting she was sick of the city we were living in, sick to death of her job (she’s a teacher). she even told them she wasn’t coming back in the fall, even before we had our plans finalized.
i saw her a couple times in june, she said she doesn’t want her CDs, books, photos, clothes, family heirlooms, nothing.
she went on five impulsive vacations this summer, took a lot of acid and mushrooms at some rainbow family gathering, was generally incredibly energetic and impulsive and totally self-absorbed. she says she doesn’t care what happens to our cats–they were her babies for nine years–and since early july she hasn’t been readiing my emails or listening to my voicemails, won’t communicate about things like car insurance or taxes, turned off my electricity without warning. at first she had said she wasn’t angry at me and just needed to go on a “spirit quest” and needed “freedom.” she kept on saying that over and over again, “freedom.”
but now, she’s treating me like i’m a monster, saw me in a parking lot and didn’t even wave, finally filed for divorce. i’ve been looking for work all summer, but haven’t been able to find a job. i’ve been totally abandoned, and none of our friends in town are speaking to me, i have no idea what she told them. we have a happy marriage and there’s been no cheating, abuse, serious fights, etc. she told me after she left that i was too controlling. . . that was me trying to take care of her! i think she must be hypomanic, she’s back at work now and i guess functioning ok. i told her when i ran into her that i’d give her a fast, easy divorce if she would just sit down and talk to me about it for five minutes. she refused. she can’t even look me in the eye. she doesn’t want either of our vehicles and bought a car with some money from her mom (i think). she’s cut out all her old friends, too, including her best friend who was here phone confidante. she’s only hanging out with new people, people who can’t tell anything’s wrong with her.
i just can’t believe she wants to go through a divorce while she’s in this crazy, angry state. it’ll cost us far more money than either of us have (i have none). she can only lose going through a divorce since i can ask for spousal support since she’s been working and i’ve been staying home doing all the cooking, cleaning, errands, etc., she hasn’t been able to handle any of that, i pack her lunches and wash her underwear. meanwhile i’m trying to get my writing career off the ground, and i was going to go back to school since i was starting to get worried about her being able to hang onto a job.
how long can this last? she hasn’t said she doesn’t love me, that’s good, hasn’t said we aren’t compatible. we’ve barely communicated in two months and she told a mutual friend i’m “blocking her progress.” how, exactly? i think she can’t get me out of her head, and it’s pissing her off. she also told him the anger just came on, and she’s not even sure what she’s angry about but some of it is at herself.
how do i stop or put off this divorce? it’s going to destroy any chance of us getting back together, is what i’m afraid of, or having any real relationship. all over the house are little notes she used to leave me (recently!) saying how she’d love mem forever. she’s being so stubborn. . . why can’t she deal with talking to me at least about having an amicable divorce? how can she just walk away from ten years of her life? we went through everything together, we got married when she was kicked out of her family (her father’s bipolar and abusive), we were homeless for awhile, we used to have problems in our relationship but worked through them, and now she just needs to do her own thing?
i can’t stop thinking about this, we’re codependent, i know. . .
doug
I feel like your wife and I are the same person. I felt sick to my stomach just reading your post….too close to home, I guess.
I’m searching my mind to find some words of wisdom to offer you. You are such a loving, kind man, and you obviously love your wife tremendously.
I can only share my experience, which may not be much, but here goes:
When I’ve done radical things like you describe your wife doing in the story (i.e., divorce, new friends, new car) it’s simply because I want a new Self…the old one is too broken and a bright, shiny new one is so appealing! It’s as if I honestly believe that, by changing what’s happening on the outside, in fact, changing EVERYTHING on the outside, I will magically be transformed into the Perfect Woman with No Problems.
And guess what? It works for awhile!!
The new friends think I’m fabulous, my new job thinks I’m amazing, and the new guy is madly in love. (I have a completely different identity in another state where a man I’ve been seeing for two years, friends and a new life awaits.) (I should mention here that I am married, and this “Identity Seeking” has pretty much destroyed my marriage.)
Inevitably what happens is that I cannot keep up the facade of Uberwoman….it takes too much work and I cannot sustain the false identity since my identity SHIFTS all the time. I cannot hide the dark, depressed side of who I am for long, and my husband is left to clean up the mess.
Only now, after 18 years, he is leaving me because he can’t take the abuse any longer.
Now, this story isn’t as sad as it sounds, because I have enough people who truly love me, a phenomenal therapist and psychiatrist, and children whom I’ve managed to raise that are pretty amazing. The tough part is that I have to finally grow up, and be accountable for who I am on this planet.
So this is what I would tell you if you were my close friend, given that my husband was VERY codependent with me as well:
Go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting (they’re hard to find but really cool…I went to one a few months ago and they’re definitely tailored for people married to sick partners. It helped me to see what I was doing to my husband.)
Know that this woman loves you…she’s just so uncomfortable in her own skin that the intimacy required to grow is next to unbearable.
Be strong. Set strong, healthy boundaries about how things need to be. I can be one of the most manipulative people (not even consciously!) so that someone will bend their boundaries to accommodate my outrageous requests. (I think therapy is good here, might help.)
O.k., I can’t think of anything else. I hope I don’t sound too moronic. Clearly, I don’t know much but hopefully there’s something here that helps.
Steph, I just wanted to thank you for your honest post. It helps me to understand what she is/was going through – and consequently why my life is upside down. It’s hard to set boundaries when the other person just rails against them. And, in my case the lies were the hardest- “check my email, check my phone” I am not cheating. Of course she had another phone…….another email…….and used Facebook IM to set up all of her affairs. I think Codependents Anonymous is a good idea too. Thanks again for posting and actually all of the folks who have BP on here have been so honest and helpful trying to explain what they feel when they are feeling manic or drop out of sight. It helps to try to gain some kind of clue so I can find closure at least on here if not with my ex.
steph,
thanks so much for your heartfelt reply. this is exactly what my wife is doing. . . trying to shed EVERYTHING and turn herself into a new person. i don’t even feel like she’s running away from me as much as she’s running away from herself. that’s one of the main reasons i’m sure she’s going to come back. but now she wants a divorce. . . i’m afraid that’ll make it impossible. i’ll be here for her, sure, but i’m jealous she’s had this exciting summer and i’ve been sitting here in 106 degree heat without an airconditioner, in intense psychological pain, without any friends or income and having to borrow money from my parents’ meager retirement account just to pay the rent. there are no jobs out here, especially for someone with no degree who hasn’t worked for a while. i’m just finally getting used to not having her around. . . and now divorce? after three months? with no explanation? and she won’t even talk to me. we could stay out of court if we could just talk, even on the phone, for ten minutes, and come to a settlement .
why is she treating me like a monster? all i ever did was love her and try to keep our relationship stable by trying to compromise and negotiate with her on her crazy requests. . .
i’ll look into going to codependents meetings, maybe. . . i’ve been going to bipolar support groups, and people have been telling me to just wait til she crashes, she’ll need me then. . .
but it’s been three months, and i can’t go on with my life because she literally picked up all the pieces of my life and destroyed them!
Hi everyone
I was formerly Polly but then hid my identity cos my ex saw what i read. I dont give a hit if she ever reads any of this anymore cos ive been completely screwed over. For the past month ive been trying to contact her, talk anything but she rejects my calls, didnt replky to my mesages all the while manipulating me. I just found out she is seeing a lad. Told me through text real nice. I onky found out because ive been begging to talk to her. Bi polar is fuckign cruel. It spits you in and spits you out. But right now i dont believe in anything. i hate her. i cant believe how ive been treat. She never been like this before. Ive been treat disgustingly. Ive never felt this much for hate anyone yet so much love at teh same time, I fel destroyed. Just had to leave work cos i had breakdown. She didnt explain a thing. I dont know what was real. Dont even know if she ever loved me. If she was gay even? Ive wasted 2 and a half years on someone who didnt even love me? i have so many questions which i needed her to explain but nothing. Now shes never been this happy and im harassing her? She has no remorse whatspever and wanted me to feel useless about myself whilst she was away this entire time fucking someone else. Be careful people it might not always been the bi polar. Its hard to tell whether its teh illness or whether you just have a complete heartless cock in your life who has no conscience. Who will suck you in and spit you otu teh minute they cant handle it. I feel so stupid so fucking stupid.
Going In Circles,
Just reading your earlier message about how they left and shacked up with someone else. Im feeling taht now. The past month i have been trying to contact every single day. Trying to talk resolve stuff, get thinsg straight cos she was manipulating saying i finished by been the way i was. Now i find out shes the “happiest shes been in years” what was i then? was i real? how can a person go from saying your teh love of their life to “fuck off stop harassing me” ive been at wits end. didnt even tell anyone in the hope that she would care and want to explain.
Whats worst is i have no idea whats gone on? how long? was the loss of sex because of bipolar or not wanting me anymore? Nothing feels real anymore, i cant even move. She been so cruel. Blaming me all this time, making me worthless like im to blame, calling me a coward? i knwo its been going on a while reading back her messages everything just makes sense. She has been avoiding me all this time. I only found out today because i have been begging her to talk to me, to explain to help me understand. I have no idea who i am anymore. Ive been treat like absolute shit. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie. I used to hold on to her love cos i always felt it but she pretty much been lieing to me for a year. I keep been sick. What should i do? Im so angry. Do i vent that at her? I so want to but thats used against me cos then im “abusing her, harassing her?
She was abused as a child and just the things she has said about men in teh past. It repulses her. Now all of a sudden this? I was nothing absolutely nothing to her. I hate her so fucking much but i love her more than anything even though ive been shit on from a great height. Im so fucked up and this is brief glimpse of everything that has gone on.
Thanks red,
She is talking to me, but it is my fault. She is so good at making me feel bad and that everything is my fault. She is with her parents right now with the kids. I am hoping to sell the house since I can’t afford it on just my salary espeically with child support. I am hoping to move closer to my kids and be in there life. I have no doubt she will go at her parents like she did with me. The searching for the elusive happiness seems to be a trend. There is always something that seems to be missing. She keeps friends in her life but at a distance. If some get too close and have opinions that differ she will shut them out completely and never talk to them again. She does this with family but usually only for a few months. I sometimes feel like I could be Jesus Christ and she would find something wrong with me. I am human and not perfect, and she is very good at pointing out my faults. She seems to focus on them. In the past she has usually come back, but this time I don’t know. The lawyer I am sure is keeping her going. I just talked to her this weekend and asked her for some time to think about stuff before she continues with the divorce.
i’ve been reading the posts and am confused. . . are stressed and panda the same person? sorry if i missed something. . .
They are. Sorry.
I was on another board and it looks like it kept the name.
I was actually thinking being near her family might be good for me too. They know I am a good man and like me. If I am around more they will see it even more and it will be harder for my wife to label me something I am not. This could be good for both of us.
I talked to her on the phone today and she has calmed quite a bit, even laughed about a few things with me. She then says she will file the sheet I signed in regards to the divorce. Why I needed to know that who knows. I can only imagine she saw herself getting close and decided to hurt me. I asked her to give it some time. She said she needs to move on with her life. I said she could, just hold off on the divorce. She seemed irritated with me after that. Maybe I pushed too much. It is so sad to see her want a new life and feel that I can’t fit in it. We have known each other for 14 years but it is like she doesn’t know me.
Update
She just emailed me and told me she will file under separation not divorce. Looks like I will get the time I need. I plan on going to a therapist to work out my codependency issues and become a more confident independent person. She thinks I am controlling, so I will work on those issues too
I plan on selling the house and eventually moving north when I get a job. Being in her home town she feels safe, being near her family and old high school friends. I think this could be good for her. Being near her family could be good for me as they do like me and are sometimes “perplexed” by her behavior. I will keep you posted as most people on here including myself like to hear good stories. I hope this has a happy ending.
by the way, panda, there are a ton of similarities between our situations, in fact one of these days i’m going to go back through your posts and list them. . . my wife’s not speaking to me, though, i think partially cause we don’t have children. the way she’s been acting, though, i think she would have left the kids behind. . .
so, today’s our 8th wedding anniversary. . . she was so goddamn loving right up til the day she left. . . god, i knew today was gonna be hard if i don’t hear from her, but it’s worse than i expected. . . here’s what she wrote to me in her handmade anniversary card last year. . .
“We’ve made it seven years and our love is still bigger than all the stars in the sky. I know things have been tough but as long as we got love we can get through anything. I’m so excited about our future together!
Happy Anniversary,
Love,
Dion.”
i know, it was a whole year ago. but things have been getting better and better in our relationship all year, and things were about to change for us in an awesome way. she just has these episodes. . . i don’t know, there’s been no further attempts at serving me papers. . . everyone says i just need to wait her out, at the very least eventually she’ll calm down and be able to talk. . . it’s hard when she’s acting so angry without any explanation. . .
i’m really afraid of how i’m going to be feeling later tonight. . . i’m trying to be strong, but i feel like i don’t have a single thread of my life left. . .
meanwhile i’ve got all our stuff, our cats, everything. i don’t have the strength to touch it. . . can’t find a job, no matter how hard i try. . .
it’s just so unreal. i can’t concentrate on anything, nothing gives me any pleasure. . . i can’t think of a single thing i want out of life without her there by my side. . .
i always believed as long as there’s a will, there’s a way. . . i know she loves me deeply, that’s a big part of why she can’t deal with talking to me. . .
sorry, i just needed to post this today.
test
I came across this website and can’t believe how validated I feel now. I’ve been through it all with my bipolar partner.
Does anyone have any constructive ways to “remove” yourself when they start into an episode? Seems that anything I try will agitate him – even if I look at him wrong. It is so hard to take all the verbal abuse and not let it get to you. We know they don’t mean it but it still stays in your heart. I am at a loss on how to deal with these ugly moods. Usually he just goes home (we have separate homes) then we don’t talk for a few days. I hate this back and forth relationship but marriage scares me even more. Like most people in this website we love each other deeply. He is on medication and takes it faithfully. He is also seeing a psyciatrist and is better than he use to be but I am doubtful it will ever be “normal.” I desperately want it to work but it is hard to keep my faith that it will. Any positive outcomes out there or ideas on how not to react?
thanks guys
I forgot to mention that he is cyclothymic/bipolar. I’m not sure if this is better or worse than some types. Any info would be welcomed.
Doug, this site is awesome. I found it about a year and a half ago the last time she left. I bookmarked it and now I am back. Never posted before until this time. Before I wasn’t sure if there was a problem with me or her. That is the craziness, they get you to thinking something is wrong with you. No one is perfect, but the behavior they exhibit is indescribeable to someone who doesn’t experience it first hand like us. She told me last night over the phone that she is tired, very tired. I think she is coming down from the manic episode. They can only keep it up for so long. She is starting to get irritable with her parents. This is when she usually comes back. The problem is I don’t want her to come back, I want her up there with her parents and if she goes at them, all the better. They will experience first hand what I have been going through for years. The space will do us some good.
She is already looking at houses and talking about what we could get. I think deep down she knows I am a good man and loves me but her emotions are telling her two different things. Can someone with bipolar reiterate what it is like. I remember reading back that they love you and want to hug you, but they are F$#king scared and want to push you away. Something like that. She catches herself every now and then and says if it works out.
I sometimes can’t beleive this is actually happening.
Doug, keep the faith. Get counseling for yourself. Read some books on self help. It helps. Nothing can make the pain go away completely, but something to redirect the energy we put into obsessing over the other is good. I know it is tough though as even when I do this I still obsess over it.
Right now I am trying to focus on myself and selling the house and then it will be finding a job almost 200 miles north of here.
Marcie, I wish I knew when my wife was having an episode. They come on so quick I don’t think I could possibly have an early warning system in place. By the time it is happening it is too late. There is usually a note left in the kitchen and she is gone with the kids to her parents.
so i found out today that my friend’s wife just left him. . . immediately after she had brunch with my wife. she was on the fence, obviously, but basically my wife talked another woman into leaving her husband. . .
also found out my wife filed for divorce july 22 and tried to serve me, but the papers got lost in the mail. . .
here it is september, and i still haven’t been served. maybe she’s backing off? who knows. maybe she’s toying with me?
she still hasn’t said why she wants a divorce, except that she “needs her space.”
she disconnected her phone number, too, i can call her at work but i know that’ll piss her off. . .
she’s treating me like a monster. i don’t know why she’s angry; possibly she figured out that i’ve been contacting friends and family trying to get her help. . .
i guess she’s functioning ok if she’s at work, but her job is so lax with her, she could go home in the middle of the day crying, or call out for a couple days without getting fired. she’s done it before.
i’m trying to keep the faith. i’m doing everything i can to reach out to people, look for work, but i’m so obsessed with this, and i don’t want to live without her. i’ve still got the cats, and i’m running out of money, and i’m going to have to ask for alimony before long. that’s the last thing i want to do.
if we could just sit down and work out a separation or amicable divorce, i could calm down and get my head together and make the hard choices i need to make.
it seems like she’s irrationally angry at me so she doesn’t feel guilty, doesn’t feel her love for me. if she can stay angry, she can keep doing what she’s doing.
i can’t believe i’m sleeping by myself tonight. after three months, i still can’t sleep, wake up desperate. i have no interest in anything other than figuring out what the hell is going on in the most important area of my life.
i wish i had left first, left her with the cats and all the stuff. anybody else would’ve, with all the emotional abuse i was getting. but i said til death do us part, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. and i meant it.
so here i am, dangling by a thread. unable to let myself be angry at her. why? WHY CAN’T I JUST GIVE UP?
it’s because our love is that big. why can’t she see that?
ok, i’ll stop writing now. i could go on forever. . .
panda,
glad to hear your situation’s looking a little better. . . how many times has this happened? did she mention divorce the other times? sorry if i you already answered these questions, i read all your posts last week and just reread the last one.
Doug,
She has threatened me with divorce at least a dozen times. Before we were married she threatened to leave me at least another dozen times and left me twice that I can remember. Since we have been married, she has left me or kicked me out I would say about maybe 6 times over 5 years.
This weekend was nice, I spent more time with my baby and the oldest (7) years. Her family loves me and sees me as important to her life. They know I am not as bad as she is making me out to be. This weekend we hugged and kissed a little and talked a lot. It scares the shit out of me because I wonder when it will happen again, but I do love her so much that I will take that risk in a heartbeat. I do plan on selling the house and then gettinga job up there, so I can be close to the kids, and I know it is only a matter of time before she would want to live together. She was showing me property around her home town, so even though right now she says “I haven’t agreed to anything”, I know she is thinking she wants me back but is probably embarrassed/guilt ridden by her actions. She is a wonderful person when she is calm/happy. That is what makes it nearly impossible to seperate your love, or detach from them. No one can understand until they have been in love with someone who has this. Therapists and psychologists can tell you to move on with your life till they are blue in the face, but I bet they would be in the same predicament if they were in our shoes.
I knew it would only be a matter of time before she started getting angry at her family, and sure enough this weekend she was getting angry at them. I was the one calming her down and talking her down from the ledge. That they are her family and love and care for her. She would agree and let her anger ease, god I wish I had someone doing that for me with her.
Talking her down when she gets like this. She will portray me as a monster to her “friends”, but they don’t know me well enough to judge me. She does the same with her family, but they don’t buy it, knowing me as much as they do. Her friends just feed her anger. Like I said, being around her family I am hoping they can become an ally and hopefully at some point she will see the light. I sometimes doubt if I am a good person, but when I look at myself and who I am, I can be proud of myself. That is when you know that the problem really doesn’t lie within yourself.
The situation you described, “needing space”, is so common. My wife is extremely confused and seems to grab onto anything she looks at as an excuse to leave me. “Controlling” behavior that she actually shows more characteristics of, “abusive’ behavior that once again she shows more characteristics of, my “negativity” which ironically she is probably much more negative and puts herself down all the time, and then when those don’t convince me, she will just say that “we aren’t right for each other.”
How can you argue with that. I know she loves me and I know who I am. What I have always done is work on myself to make me a better person. Everything that she has come to me with as a problem of mine, if I agree it would make me a better person I will work to correct it. Honestly, she has little to look at me and not like at this point since this has been going on for about 14 years. lol That way she will always come to the same conclusion, that she would be crazy to leave me. She has said that more than once.
Try and look at it this way Doug. I have heard many people say this before and it is very good advice. Work to improve yourself and your life. You sound like a good guy. She might come to the conclusion that giving you up would be crazy, and if not, then her loss and you WILL be a better person for working on yourself and your life.
Hang in there.
Hey Panda,
just went through your posts, quoted you. . . I can’t believe how similar some of this stuff is. God, I just want my wife back, I want her to get help, I’m so damn worried about her. It’s like she just jumped off the train, happened to land on a mattress. I feel like it’s all luck that’s she’s not back already.
If you guys get back together, do you think she’ll accept seeing a psychiatrist about a diagnosis and meds?
“bubbly, sweet, kind, loving, in a word wonderful”
-That’s my wife all right
“I never seemed able to please her. One day loving and kind and happy and glowing, and the next day depressed and thinking we aren’t meant for each other. The periods might last a day, a week, a few weeks, but usually no more than that.”
-Mine goes through the same phases. Usually several weeks or a few months reaally positive and sunny, then a few days o weeks of no faith in our future.
“I have been demonized and told that I don’t make enough money.”
-I get this but then I get weeks of support for what I’m doing (working on my writing career, trying to get back into school).
“She has recently accused me of being controlling. When I called her out over her accusations that I am controlling, she then goes on to accuse me of being abusive. Then I call her out over those and she doesn’t have an answer. I ask how do I abuse you? How do I control you?”
-Apparently I’m abusive and controlling in trying to get her to stick with agreements she made with me, taking her keys when she’s been drinking and crying and is too messed up to drive).
“Stress definately triggers her overreactions. It is the impulsiveness and the inhumanness of her actions and reactions that cause me to beleive she might be BP.’
-Stress, yes. . . minor stress that she used to be able to let roll off her (in her early twenties) now causes these huge depressive blowups where she just doesn’t care about me.
“You see this person when they are normal and they are loving, and everything is wonderful, like it should be, and then your world is turned upside down and you become a whipping post, a doormat.”
- Yep. I would go to sleep after a great talk on friday night nd wake up to find her miserable, unable to talk to me, full of blame for me when i push her to talk.
“My wife can hold down a job and take care of the kids. In fact she tries to be the best mother in the world to the point it exhausts her. She tries so hard but is so unhappy. She gets depressed but is a functioning person. She can do things and get stuff done, but is just plain unhappy. I am blamed for every little thing. I am blamed for her unhappiness.”
-We don’t have kids but my wife is the same way about her responsibilities (or was til she left). Now she is working but I don’t know how well that’s going.
“I think she is telling her family that I am abusive and controlling, because they seem to run to her rescue.”
-I’ve been getting the cold shoulder from her family and most of our common (recent) friends, those who don’t know any better about me.
“She definately got that from her father, because he quit jobs all the time. I have heard that her father slept around a lot and cheated on her mother. I have heard that there are strong genetic ties. It seems to run in families.”
-My wife’s father is bipolar and was totally the same way, was in and out of his marriage for years.
“For me, my wife seems to up the ante each time. This time she filed for divorce yet I haven’t recieved the paperwork.”
-Same here.
“It is just amazing the want something don’t want it attitude that bipolars seem to have.”
-All year my wife wanted desperately to leave town and quit her job, even told them she was going to quit six weeks before she left. We were a week away from leaving. Now she claims she loves her job and wants to stay in this city indefinitely. She’s been like that with all the major decisions we’ve tried to make in the past several years, that’s why we haven’t accomplished very much, and a big part of why she’s so unsatisfied. She just can’t stick with decisions for more than a few months any more, no matter how sure she seems.
That’s one of the reasons I think she’ll come back even though she says she won’t.
“At what point will she possibly see what she is doing is wrong? Will she? Or will she continue down this road since she might look foolish not to in front of friends and family?”
-I think the inertia is a big part of why she won’t admit what she’s done is wrong, and I think the pressure on her to stick with her decision is tremendous. She’s surrounded by bitter divorced people.
“She keeps friends in her life but at a distance. If some get too close and have opinions that differ she will shut them out completely and never talk to them again. She does this with family but usually only for a few months. I sometimes feel like I could be Jesus Christ and she would find something wrong with me.”
-My wife has never been able to hang onto close friends. . . and soon after we got together, she didn’t talk to her mom for six months.
-”The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me. . .”
“’Controlling” behavior that she actually shows more characteristics of, “abusive’ behavior that once again she shows more characteristics of, my “negativity” which ironically she is probably much more negative and puts herself down all the time.”
-Same here. . . alternate reality. Rewritten history.
Doug, it is amazing the similarities of the people with mood/personality disorders. The only difference seems to be the intensity and frequency.
Stress I figured out a few years back is a common denominator. I looked back at college and noticed when she took on more than she could handle she changed. Once that college care free life of hanging out and “studying” and having no responsibilities other than showing up for class and doing class work was over, and real life began, I noticed a huge negative change in my wife. Little stresses seem to get to her more. Big stresses, forget about it… My goal since a few years ago was to try and eliminate as much stress in my wife’s life, but with kids and her staying home and money being tight, it is almost like we would need to win megabucks and have a nanny. Even then I wonder if she would complain about the nanny or how long it takes to the gardener to cut the grass.
I don’t want to get your hopes up Doug, but I have read that most of the time the person comes to their senses and realizes what they are giving up. If you figure your life out and how to make YOU happy, you will not only be happy, but probably more attractive to her. Just my 2 cents. That is what I have done in the past. Just throwing this out there, maybe someone can comment on it;
In the past I have gotten the most positive response from my wife when I act as though I am moving on and trying to get MY life together, being a good dad, being caring for her while trying not to be pushy. Maybe it is that it makes her feel less scared or maybe she realizes her behavior is not getting the reaction she wants. I have heard it described both ways, that the BP feels hurt and so wants to hurt you, or that the BP feels scared and won’t come back until they feel safe. Not sure which is correct, or maybe they both are. Hard to understand, right? Someones comments on this would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that she said to me a week or so ago was that she felt like she disappeared with me. That she didn’t/couldn’t exist with me in her life. I feel I have disappeared somewhat. I feel like I walk on eggshells around her.
We talked yesterday on the phone and I said I missed her and she said she missed me. I said I loved her and she said she loved me. She asked why I still wanted to be with her and I said because I love her and am committed to this relationship, not that I should be committed. She laughed. She asks me that everytime she does this. “Why do you want to be with me?” I am hoping she sees at some point the behavior. I am hoping at some point I can convince her to see someone. Right now I just want to sell the house, find a job up there and be near her and the kids. When things stabalize, as I hope they will, then I have a better chance of trying to convince her to see someone. I can’t do it now or she will pull away.
My wife can hang onto “friends”, but at a distance. She will not talk to them for years, but I can’t recall since college, her having friends that she hangs out with all the time. Usually something happens and then she won’t talk to them. She is ultra sensitive and they may say something that she takes personally and then won’t talk to them for weeks or months or maybe never. She does this with her family all the time, but usually no more than a few months.
As for the alternate reality, it is certainly projection. She will accuse me of things that she does all the time. It is extremely hypocritical and upsetting. Actually that is a common symptom of boarderline personality disorder. I think there is a link between BP and Boarderline. These disorders seem to be on a spectrum.
Right now she is reading books a friend of ours from college that she reconnnected with has suggested. The friend is now a counselor. The books have to do with handling anger and such. They might help, but the crazy thing is, she will forget all the good I mean to her and then focus on what she percieves is wrong with me and push me away. I don’t think there is a self help book that handles that.
Like I said before, i could be Jesus Christ himself and it wouldn’t matter.
Maybe start working out, helps with stress and makes you more attractive for her and helps your self esteem. Also, finding a job might help you take your mind off of things and also make you more attractive. Either way, YOU will probably start to feel better about yourself and that is a good thing.
Doug take care. I will keep you posted.
a lot of bipolar people also have borderline personality disorder traits, as well as narcissistic traits. in the research there appears to be a link between/overlap between bp and borderline.
again i’d like to stress to everyone that there are nice people out there who want to be in relationships and who are not up and down and will want to steadily be with you and return your kindness. i have met several nice people and have begun dating one and it is a nice change of pace. i really thought my ex was the only person for me, but it is not true, and it is nice to be with someone on an even keel from the start. just trying to offer a different perspective and some hope. hang in there everyone!
ps there is also a blog called i was in love with a bipolar person and it was hell, and it is very very informative and eye opening.
Thanks for the link Red i was starting to think this was the only blog worth reading. I need to vent a lot of things. Not in the best place right now and just becoming so angry when i think of all the pain she has caused me. This blog is really good but i tend to come on when im emotional and angry. Used to be a tool to help me through the relationship. I dont want to deter all the people who are really trying out there as i have no words of wisdom because i tried my hardest and now i need to pick myself back up again which is hard.
hey red,
do you have the actual link for that blog? i searched for it but couldn’t find it. . .
Me too!
sorry it took me awhile to post again
this should do it:
http://www.topix.com/forum/health/bipolar-disorder/TILGVBV7HERK1R46K/p43#lastPost
the last posts as well as page 31 are especially enlightening
hang in there
ps to polly,
in my opinion, anger is necessary in order to stop being sad, take action, and to try to move on….and to stop taking the abuse bp people put their partners thru…i think wallowing in the sadness and rmembering only the good times helps keep the partners of bp people stuck and also keeps them putting up with mental abuse.
hang in there everyone!!! and please consider what i’ve said in previous posts about trying to meet other people who do not have bp and want to be in healthy relationships and return all the kindness we have to give. just my opinion, but so far dating a nice stable person has helped me more than months of therapy, and sitting and analyzing it over and over, and trying to get him back and succeeding only to have the cycle repeat itself. i am done, whether or not current guy works out, i will never go back down that road of rumination, anxiety, depression and self blame. i hope everyone is doing ok and that you enjoy the link i posted.
Hi Red,
Thats what im trying to do. Trying to go with my anger to get me through and it does help. Its all i really have given the way ive been treated. Its just when im upset because i do wallow especially at night time, i find that the hardest and my imagination starts to play on me and struggle to sleep at teh best of times!
I know if and when i find a healthy relationship it will help but still kills me thinking of way ive been treat and all the lies and the unanswered questions that im never ever gonna have answers for, never going to know the real truth and the fact that i still love her deeply infuriates me because i know i deserve better. I wouldnt wish what happened to me on anybody. Its just cruel.
Im no where near ready to move on with someone else as i need to remember who i was before we met because im just not that person anymore. Thanks for the wise words!
Dear Polly and everyone on the site who is suffering,
my friend who is a therapist, as well as other wise friends told me: stop trying to make sense of someone who doesn’t make sense, stop trying to make sense of mental illness, and don’t analyze it beyond the person is mentally unstable, you cannot make sense of it becauswe you are not mentally ill and woudl never think/act that way, you won’t get the answers or closure you need because of the bp, you jsut have to accept that it was because of the bp and not analyze it further, you will make yourslef miserable adn drive yourslef nuts. excuse the typose. if i had taken these words of advice i would have saved myslef months of heartache, misery, rumination, and thousands of dollars on therapy. i hope this helps, i am still on this blog in the hopes of helping others who are feeling how i was feeling after the breakup.
ps
for months i kept driving my friends and family crazy with why did he say this, why did he do that and they kept saying “because he is bipolar.” i should have let it go at that. being the overly analytical person i am, i kept analyzing every word and behavior, and how he contradicted him self. another friend told me you cannot make sense of a sick mind when you do not have a sick mind, you are going to ruin yourself trying. i hope this helps everyone. if i could save some people some of the pain and heartache i went thru on and off for a year and a half i will feel very good about that.
hey panda,
how are things going?
i still haven’t heard from my wife. two months since she filed and nothing! our therapist told me today he’s 90% sure she has a mood disorder of some kind.
i’m doing a bit better, been making some friends (i think) and on andtidepressants, they’ve made a big difference in helping me even out. trying not to make any big decisions right now, just gonna wait and see how things play out.
Hi doug,
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. My wife has told me she doesn’t want a divorce and loves me. The house goes on the market soon, probably within a week. She is planning on telling her lawyer to withdraw the divorce “complaint” or whatever the process is to stop the divorce. I am planning on moving up north to be closer to my kids and hopefully figure stuff out in regards to handling my wifes emotional escapes/outbursts/etc… I am hoping to get to the point where we are living together, and she has every intention of finding a place with me for the family to live. That would include me for once I am able to come up there after I find a job up there.
The therapist I am seeing is absolutely awesome. She lowered her rate because she knows things are tight for me financially right now. She is incredibly insightful. She will finish sentences and elaborate on thoughts for me. She has a keen sense of what is happening, not just a sounding board like a lot of therapists, but one that has practical advice and understands what I am going through and seems to understand, although she says it is hard to translate, what my wife is going through. She says that it is hard for a “normal” person to rationalize the actions of someone like my wife. She has dealt with many kids behavioral problems and adults with Bipolar and personality disorders. It has been described that someone with a personality disorder has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. She says the worst thing you can do with a kid who has an outburst is to touch them. She relates that to my wife in that I can’t rationalize with her when she gets angry, she is like a child. This is so true. She beleives my wife has a personality disorder but obviously can’t diagnose her without seeing her. She says my wife has issues regulating emotions.
An understatement, but an accurate assessment. She is going to give me some tricks to use to deal with situations tomorrow night. Basically from what I have read the boarderline will draw you into their “reality”. That is pretty much what has happened. I have NO boundaries. I need personal boundaries, since they have been eroded over the years. I have no concept of what is normal and not normal behavior and am hoping through counseling I will get better at recognizing MY responsibilities. She has shown me the Karpman Drama Triangle. It is interesting to read about it. Everyone human creates the triangle to some extent at some point in their lives, but someone with a personality disorder is constantly in the triangle bouncing around. Look it up, it is interesting. I think the key is realizing when you are being suckered into the triangle and not letting it happen through boundaries and understanding your personal responsibilities. I will say space and understanding is helping me create boundaries and a sense of what I am responsible for.
I think it is good not to make big decisions, but make decisions that would benefit you and make you feel good. I think you need to start focusing on you. I think that is what my therapist is trying to do with me. That will enable you to see the dysfunction and deal with it appropriately once you have your own identity back. I think a lot of us on here have lost a sense of who we are being in a relationship with chaos. Constantly worrying if the other will leave us or that we will say or do something to upset them. The whole walking on eggshells thing. I am hoping that once I get a better understanding of my responsibilities I won’t be dragged into that triangle.
I will keep you posted as I think my counselor is a keeper.
Good luck Doug and everyone reading dealing with this.
Hi everyone,
Been doing quite well up until just now. Its been about 3 months since i seen her. Just found out she is moving in with her “boyfriend”. Was sitting here and a song came on and now i feel so down again. Why do i miss her so much? Its so hard to accept that maybe what we had was never real because shes moved on to someone else and its a viscous circle. I get so angry at myself as i am now because ive been bottling things up with anger. Im so hurt by whats happened. I still think about her every day but shes brushed her hands of me now. I wish i could accept that i dont need answers to the questions i have. Ive been reading back old messages that i sent when things were bad, when she had episodes and re-evaluating everything. Could i have been more supportive? Could i in time harbour my own feelings, train myself and always be strong for her? Did i ever truelly accept the bipolar because if i did then her abuse would bounce off me because it wasnt her fault right? Are these questions even relevant, was it even the bipolar or good old fashioned heartbreak? I dont know i just really miss her today. I cant bear to look into her eyes but i cant bear the thought of not been able to either so i keep pictures and look at them, then i cry. If she is happy then i guess i have to try and forgive her for hurting me but ill never truelly know why because she never told me. She ran away and never looked back. Stay strong guys, im trying.
Hi Polly,
I totally empathize with you. I feel exactly the same. My brain keeps on going over the same information over and over again: How could he love me and now suddenly hate me?
Someone on Topix Forum asked us to go on this website and see the viceo at the website below.
Check it out!!! It cleared up all of my questions. Please look at it. It will really help you! Love and Blessings,
Josie
See the website below:
“Pronoti” linked a website in another post which features a 98-minute educational speaker discussing bipolar. The video is located on the left side of this link:
http://www.bipolarlight.com/index2.html
thank you for the link Polly (and originally pronoti)
excellent video on http://www.bipolarlight.com/index2.html
well worth checking out.
confirmed a few things that i knew and gave me a few insights too
hope everybody is well
Josie,
Thanks for the link. I will definately watch it.
When you run things round in your head constantly asking questions its hard and the outcome keeps changing depending on your emotions at the time. I find anger is the best method for me at the moment to help me get through but i hope i dont feel like that forever because im not an angry person.
Its weird how when they leave your left with all the shit. Its like a game you play with yourself to work out whats best way to deal with this.
Will give that link a watch and be in touch. Thanks!
I think the difficult thing about the rejection is that while bipolar people may be more likely than most to push people away through fear of rejection, that doesn’t mean that they are with the right person. It isn’t necessarily and either / or situation because there’s no logical conflict between being bipolar and being with the wrong person. So the non-bipolar partner is left having to try and wrestle with the question as to whether or not the rejection is a part of the illness or a part of the not-bipolar part of the person, if indeed there is such a thing. And since the non-bipolar person can’t see inside the head of the other person then it is quite literally impossible to know the answer to that question. Only each of us as individuals can decide whether or not we are with the right person and nobody else can decide (or decipher) that for us. The real problem here is that bipolar people can’t distinguish between how they feel overall and how they feel in the moment and in actual fact there may be no overall. It may just be that at some times they love you and some times they don’t. An incredibly difficult thing to deal with for both parties and an unsolvable puzzle. Fascinating, attractive and devastating.
ok, who are you? it’s not coincedence that “zuki” is very close to my other email address. your comment is much appreciated. . . if you want to remain anonymous, why do you use “zuki”?
Must be a coincidence. Zuki is an abbreviation of my christian name used by my friends. I’m writing from the UK, assume most people on the forum are from the US (?)
wow, ok, thanks for writing back and putting my mind at ease. yes, i’m in the U.S. i have no idea what’s going on with my wife or her friends. i thought it was maybe a hint from one of her friends.
what’s your story, why are you posting on here? do you have personal experience with this?
Also, I’ll introduce myself and explain that my somewhat abstract thoughts on the question weren’t meant as a response to anyone else’s as such, just the title question.
I believe that my husband of five years has a form of bipolar, perhaps among other mental problems. He’s never been diagnosed and is in staunch denial, most of the time anyway. Occasionally he seems to get to a point where he accepts that there is something wrong with him but he then goes on to reason that it must be my fault and it was moving in with me (or marrying me) that caused the problem. He claims, when in states of agitation and depression, that I’m the wrong person and he doesn’t love me. Just to add a flourish he also explains that he wants to be with someone younger, hotter and stupider (so that he can tell her what to do and think – he gets very paranoid).
In some ways this is very hard if not impossible to really argue with. I suspect that he was just as unstable before I met him but since nobody else ever suspected it then I have no proof. So, OK, fair enough I try to accept that perhaps he really doesn’t love me but then he switches again and acts as though he loves me a great deal.
So, relieved and reassured, I dismiss the former negativity and try to get on with life. Then he switches back and claims that he was just trying to be happy through guilt. I literally can’t count the number of times he has announced that our relationship is over and then changed his mind. In fact I couldn’t guess the number to the nearest hundred.
Now when he tells me that he doesn’t love me and wants to leave I tell him that I know he feels that way but I know that isn’t the whole story. If he felt that way all the time then we wouldn’t be here together now. Our relationship is held together by the phases where he acts as though he loves me, otherwise he would have left me long ago.
I’ve now reached the stage where I feel under no moral obligation to accept that he doesn’t love me. I’ve told him that if necessary I’ll get over him when he’s gone. Its too much for him to expect me to get over him while he’s still here. Still, I do try to keep an open mind to the possibility that I really am the wrong person for him. In the end I find that I just have to accept that this is the way things are.
Perhaps I am the wrong person but he has raised the issue so many times that it seems to have lost its relevance. Life has now become about living in the present moment. I sometimes wonder if this is part of why we, as the codependents, love them so strongly. Could it be that we never take them for granted – always somehow sensing that we could loose them forever at any moment?
I honestly don’t know whether he really loves me or not and I think it quite likely that the real truth is more that he loves me at some times and not at others. Which side of him will win in the end is something I just can’t predict.
Hello Doug, I wrote the above before reading your response. Yes, I’m also the spouse/partner trying to make sense of it all, hopefully without going too crazy in the process!
hi zuki and everyone
as it was explained to me by my friend a prominent therapist, bp people sometimes do love you and sometimes they don’t. when they become overwhelmed with stress and emotion and feeling they love you too much, a flip switches and they can’t handle it so they turn off and that’s when they don’t love you anymore. so it is both they do love you (but not in a stable way that we need where we don’t have to worry that they won’t leave at any moment) and they don’t. many times they stop and don’t come back and start the cylce with someone else. to me this is crazy making for the partner and no way to live. he also explained we get hooked in becuase the whole love/not love thing is on a varialbe schedule of reinforcement (like skinner’s pigeons we never know when the food is coming, so we keep pecking /trying – hoping the love will come back and unexpectedly it does). too long to go into hear about schedules of reinforcment if anyone is interested see skinner’s pigeon’s experiments. this is the hardest behavior to get rid of and causes the most addictive behavior. think slot machines at the casino, the person keeps trying because eventually they do get a reward but you never know when it’s coming. i know i’m not explaining this well but it explains why the partners get so hooked in and why its so hard to extricate ourselves. i hope people on the site can use this to help understand why they are so stuck, in normal relationships that doesnt happen and people don’t get so stuck, when it is over its over, when someone doesnt love you its over and thats the end of it and we move on. not with bp relationships. which is why we keep trying to analyze adn figure out and takes so long to get over a relationship with a bp person. i dont think our ex bp partners are on websites feeling bad or remorseful at how badly they’ve treated us, its all about them, what they want, how they feel. just a side note. take care everyone.
another thing to ponder – my therapist and my friends all asked me, why did i put up with this behavior again and again? what is it about me that i am too tolerant and accept abuse and dont’ have enough self esteem to say enough? just because they’re bipolar doesnt mean they have no control over their behaviors or hurting people. these were hard questions to answer but helpful. for me i thought i coudl fix/ change him. i also thought no one else would ever love me as much or funny one here, tolerate me. but what good is the love when they just keep yanking it away from you at any moment? what good is the amazing high when it comes crashing down? what is real when its on and its off, the off or the on? it is just not supposed to be like this in relatiosnhips. sure there’s not the unbelievable euphoric highs in a normal relationsihp but there’s not the devastating crashes either. it is suppoesd to be more even keeled. my friends warned me not to compare other people to him and dont be disappointed if new guys didnt knock my socks off like he did (probably hypomanic state ) and too look for nice kind even stable more subdued happiness. i know most people on here do not want to hear about looking for other people and that’s fine, but at least please open your mind and hearts to the possibility that other nice non bp people are out there for you and will provide you with nice stable loving caring relationships without the roller coaster. just believing that concept will help you to get over the pain of the bp breakup and help put you in a better mindset whether you pursue someone or not. all my best to everyone.
http://www.geocities.com/redmondrose/NARCISSISTIC_BORDERLINE_COUPLES.htm
read this, this could be an explanation
M x
Hi red, also read AJ Mahari the push pull relationships x
Thank you Red, this is so true. I spent at least the first couple of years of living with this desperately looking for the triggers and causes but never managed to find a clear pattern. I felt that things just didn’t make any sense and it was all just deeply confusing. Earlier this year I saw a psychologist about it and she said that it might never make any sense. This idea of the pigeons and the slot machines really helps to shed some light on the situation. I had jokingly called him my cocaine but gambling is a much better analogy. The more I learn about this the more empowered I feel.
Sorry for the long post everyone!
Zuki, welcome.
The trigger answer only slightly helped in my case. It is funny, but I spent so much life and energy worrying about and trying to diminish the stress in my wife’s life. Stress was her big trigger. The problem is, life is full of stress, some real and some percieved. I could only help with the real stuff. Stress is a relative thing too, the less stress you have the more things that normally wouldn’t have stressed you out before start stressing you out. Example, my grandma doesn’t have any responsibilities anymore and now she gets stressed having to get the car inspected once a year.
In our case, we both worked, me in Boston and her in Providence and lived in between. We had a kid in daycare and that stressed her out, so we got to the point where she was working from home and now not working at all. Then it became that she was stressed because the house was too messy, the neighborhood dogs barked, there might be mountain lions in the area, less $ because she was now not working, no neighborhood kids for our son to play with, the list goes on. This is why I beleive that bi-polar/boarderline people are searching for perfection/complete-and-utter-happiness, but will always be unable to find it. They search for it in their houses/partners/kids/bodies/friends/jobs/etc… We have moved a few times, she is never happy with the home we end up living in even though she was excited about it before. She is tough on our oldest son, although showing extreme love towards him at times, expects him to be a perfect kid, almost a robot and will sometimes be very harsh with him. He has personality, and he is awesome, but she can’t see that, she seems to focus on his faults. It seems to be a confusion over what they want and need, though it has been described to me as an emotional disorder. How are those linked? Am I looking at it wrong? That part I find very confusing.
This weekend my wife snapped at me, and at that point no longer wanted to look at homes up north. She was probalby thinking about continuing with the divorce at that point, but came to her senses a couple hours later. In that time her mom and dad fought over which side of the family she got her “disposition” from.
I think it is her dad, but I kept my mouth shut. When I left Sunday night she was sweet and kind and told me to drive safe and gave me a kiss and hug. The sleep deprivation from the baby is certainly not helping. That is a stress I wish I could alleviate, but the baby (8 months) will not take a bottle and she refuses to focus on formula so instead breast feeds. He is only sleeping for 2 to 3 hour stretches at a time at night. That would drive anyone crazy, but someone with a mood/personality disorder…forget about it. Our baby would probably have to go cold turkey off the breast in order to learn to take a bottle. We did the pumping thing last time with our oldest and that was stressful too.
Zuki, I found a pattern around stress, but there is no silver bullet. The counseling I am going to is helping ME. In helping myself, I will be better equipped to determine right/wrong, normal/unnormal, healthy/unhealthy, and in that will be able to seperate myself from a situation that I am not responsible for and should not own. I find myself now walking away from situations that I would apologize for or try and fix. Or not allowing myself to be drawn into arguments over “percieved” wrongs. That is empowering, to know what you are responsible for. Unfortunately my wife hasn’t learned to help herself, and it isn’t my responsibility to make her happy. That doesn’t mean I can’t try to alleviate stress in my wife’s life, or do things that she would appreciate, but I have made myself a promise to love myself too. When the counselor asked me what made me happy, my answer was very telling. I am only happy when my wife is happy. I am clearly codependent. I was not like this before I met my wife. The constant leaving and returning gets you to a point where you are focused on them, their actions, and their needs at the expense of your own. But, in a normal healthy relationship, aren’t codependents the ideal? Unfortunately it just doesn’t work in this type of dysfunctional relationship.
Once again, I love this site.
zuki,
i think the cocaine analogy is good too, because like a friend told me i was like an addict chasing a high. he was so bad for me and the bad times when he didn’t love me and broke up with me (btw he said i wasnt the one for him too many times for me to count as well, after saying i was the one more times than i can count) were so bad. but i kept chasing that druglike high when things were good and he said he loved me and got back together with me. i have never let any man treat me that badly. he was an addiction and i felt like withdrawals i guess (havent done drugs but my friend likened it to that) when he was gone and did anything to get him back and get that happiness again even tho i knew it was not in my best interest, my freindships, mental state, livelihood, and family relationships were at stake (they all threatened to “disown” me if i got back together with him bec they saw what he was doing to me, and it was interfering with my concentration at work, and i was becoming depressed whihc i have never been before). anyway i am living proof that you can break the addiction by not giving in to urges to contact the person and letting go and realizing you deserve better treatment than this, nothing justifies it and that you are better off not being on the rollercoaster. i’m on here in the hopes of helping others get to feeling better, also if i can help others get over it easier or sooner than i did that would make my pain and suffering seem at least educational or helpful to someone else. i hope that makes sense. i feel good now, i dont’ think about him much, the obessing has gone away. i think of him sometimes but then push it aside and keep moving forward. it is such a relief not to be dealing with his i love you /i don’t love you anymore. it helps that i have met someone esle but really i was 95 percent over it before i met him and the real healing began when i decided i did not want to live like that anymore and there had to be nicer better people out there for me and i was going to put my energy into looking for good people and a healthy relationship rather than wasting my time energy money and emotions on that dysfunctional situation. and that’s what i did. had i chose to stay ruminating and stuck i never would have met a good person, nor would i be happy and not depressed right now whether i had met him or not, i was already happy being out of the dysfunction, better to be alone. i will never go back to that or to obsesing about it no matter what we are worth more than that and don’t need to ruin our lives over bp relationships which cannot work. i hope this helps someone!!!!
ps michelle, thanks for the link about bp/narcisstic
It does help a lot to read this. I would have replied sooner but my husband hit a bad mood and I’ve spent the last 24 hours trying to cope. I find the hardest part is that I can’t afford to make any mistakes or get anything wrong. If I bend over backwards making sure that I don’t say or do anything wrong then he’ll only persecute me for the things I did before I met him but God help me when I actually do get something wrong – then he thinks that he was justified all along and the full weight of all his frustrations is directed and fired at me.
Yesterday he wanted me to go to church with him. He’d been talking about church with a woman he works with. I didn’t feel like going. This was partly because I’ve had a dreadful couple of weeks of him being aggressive with me already and I really felt he should apologise to me, and partly because I felt bad that he is always presents himself so nicely to the woman at work and yet is so horrible to me. I’m not proud of that insecurity but in my defence he has told me on a number of hostile occasions that he will have sex with her when he’s finally broken up with me.
So there you go, I did it, I’m not perfect. I have jealousies and insecurities just like everyone else. Still, I wasn’t aggressive or obnoxious about the situation, I wasn’t accusing or hostile in any way. I just said how I felt, calmly, and said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go and maybe he should go by himself this first time.
For that I have been hauled over hot coals. I must admit I do feel guilty for not supporting him in wanting to seek help, and that could have been his way of doing it. I’ve just been through so much with him and I’m so very tired.
He said that he was going to ask me to marry him again and now he has decided to break up with me instead. I’ve just listened to hours and hours of ranting about what a disgusting and cheap person he thinks I am, including calling me a slut and spitting in my face. (I’ve always been faithful to him, and was to my previous partner but he is making a reference to the fact I had a handful of boyfriends when I was a teenager twenty years ago… something he has a very distorting jealous obsession with).
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. He claims that he will leave me over the next few days. I have heard this many times before but that said it is a bit like living in an earth quake zone – you know each time you feel a quake that it is probably not going to be the big one but equally you know that someday it probably will be.
He wouldn’t let me put my hand on him before he went to sleep but I told him that I love him with all my heart and soul. I never know when it will be the last chance I get to tell him. In some ways its like living with someone who is dying, because I fear that someday he will be gone.
Maybe this will be the big one and maybe he will leave. Maybe he won’t and we’ll live to love another day.
Its good to know that you’re able to get through the addiction and make life work again. I really hope that if I end up alone then I will be able to be that strong.
Panda, I know what you mean about only being happy when they are happy. I’m so used to that now. In a way that is what I did wrong yesterday, dared to feel despondent when he was full of enthusiasm for something. Most of the time I just go along with the situation and take the opportunity to be happy whenever it comes along. Right now I’m being punished for not cooperating. My mum (mom) would say that he’s just reasserting control by making me feel bad. I try not to get into an adversarial position as it never helps much. There is no winning. I found that seminar very helpful and interesting especially the do not argue with them part! Trouble is, its really hard to go along with someone else’s moods all the time. I’m definitely codependent. Sometimes I have the courage to completely ignore his bad temper and I’ll confess the occasional satisfaction at how much he hates that. Who knows where it will end. I try not to take it too seriously, in order to cope, but then, its heavy stuff.
My therapist after hearing about my situation seems to think my wife exhibits borderline personality symptoms. She obviously can’t diagnose my wife, but she lent me a book last night called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.
Zuki,
The can’t afford to make mistakes or get anything wrong is walking on eggshells. The more you seperate yourself from the other person, (doesn’t mean you don’t love them or won’t be with them) the more you will start delineating between what is normal and what isn’t. That is the process I am in. It is empowering. I will slip up and I am not perfect, I am human so you need to allow yourself that, but it is a process. So I am striving to get to the point where I can be myself and be with her and not allow her inability to process emotions to upset me. Easier said than done right? But without doing that, she will never learn what is normal and unnormal behavior because she can’t regulate herself. Will she seek help, who knows. So I have to indirectly regulate her by not allowing her “reality” to determine my reality. I am not sure if that makes sense. Basically I am putting barriers around to keep her on the road. My therapist works with bi-polars and borderlines at a mental hospital part time in addition to counseling. She sees what I am going through and understands it. I have gotten more from the four sessions I have gone to her than the countless hours I have spent in marriage counseling with my wife. My wife may never get help, but that doesn’t mean I can’t create boundaries for my own happiness and those same boundaries will help regulate my wife, possibly helping her along or helping her to recognize something is wrong and it is not me.
Zuki it sounds like you are starting to do some of the stuff you need to do like stand up for yourself. I know exactly what you are talking about when you describe the satisfaction of not giving in to their anger and knowing that angers them. Feels empowering doesn’t it? There is nothing wrong with feeling empowered. It feels good because in this relationship you probably feel powerless. I know I felt that same way. Don’t lose control over yourself when you do stand up though, because then they can use it against you or make you feel guilty about it. Remain calm and set the boundaries. It sounds like he is trying to hurt you and when you show it doesn’t, that upsets him. I remember with my wife, she said she wanted a divorce a few years ago and I agreed. You should have seen the look on her face. It took all her power away. She was hoping to hurt me with that statement and get the desired reaction from me (me crying, being upset, etc…) but when she didn’t…she was at a loss. Not saying do that, maybe it works with borderlines (are afraid of losing you) and not bipolars, not sure, but I am saying that what you are dealing with is not healthy and certainly not “normal”, whatever that is. I was getting to a point where I was starting to lose touch with reality myself. I was doubting my own feelings. I felt guilty complaining about not feeling OK because it would be turned around on me. My therapist says that even still to be careful telling my wife my feelings. I said right now things are OK, she said this week.
We both laughed.
I know just what you mean. One week things can be good another bad. My husband also seems to be a bit borderline. Yesterday I was fully prepared for the end, well as prepared as you can be, and then for no apparent reason things went back to normal again as though nothing had happened. I’m still reeling inside – I don’t think you ever get used to it, but confronting him is useless so I just end up acting as though nothing has happened myself. I think it forces you into the position of either playing along or calling their bluff because there’s no other way of handling it, because if they don’t ‘really’ mean it, whatever that means, then the only way to deal with it is play along somehow. This then forces you into a position where you can’t take them seriously and it all gets a bit messed up because it feels like mind games, but all the time its also for real and not a game. Extremely confusing!
I begin to think that the only type of person who could cope with having a romantic relationship with a person who has these type of problems is someone who is completely mentally and emotionally stable and capable of staying that way despite all the mixed messages – I’m trying to imagine a person who is that supremely stable but to be honest if they exist at all they must be pretty rare and you’d have to wonder why they would be in a relationship with someone who had such problems, after all they’d have nothing in common!
Its usually after things have normalized again that I feel the aftermath. Its then that I feel low myself and wonder how I can possibly go on living like this. It seems that being married to this man involves accepting that part of the time I have to play the role of being his nemesis, like it or not. I feel set up. And he isn’t able to give me any support for the times I feel the lowest because that would be too confusing for him. At times I think he does feel guilty but that doesn’t really help. I don’t think there is any solution really. You just have to accept that life is miserable or get out, which is also a miserable option although it does have the benefit of there being some hope of change in the long run. I suppose staying with someone like this involves accepting the burden of their misery and sharing in that misery.
Sorry, not feeling so good today.
To top it all off he told his work mates (presumably yesterday when he was in negative mode) that I’d felt bad about him always being so nice to the woman at work and now they are making jokes about me. I wish I could joke about him spitting in my face but somehow it just doesn’t seem quite so funny.
Sorry to have posted so many separate messages, there doesn’t seem to be an edit option.
What I’m trying to say is that there’s no room for error on the part of the partner. In my experience it isn’t just that you can’t argue some of the time, it is the whole time. You can’t argue, ever. You have to try to be perfect in the most difficult of circumstances while the other partner can say and do almost anything at all with no consequences. I can’t see how to maintain a healthy balanced relationship when there is such an imbalance of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour.
I can’t help having faults either but I’m not allowed any.
It does indeed feel comforting to know that so many people are going through similar situations to myself. At first I thought my irrational wife of 17 years was simply going through a destructive selfish midlife crisis, which culminated in an affair and later there were admissions to other men that she was less intimately involved with. She turned 40 a year ago, and ever since then there has been a distructive acceleration of irrational behaviour and a feeling like she is trapped within a loving family which includes 2 young loving children.
It wasn’t until I started researching for reasons and rationale, did I really put it all together and conclude that she must be bipolar or perhaps suffering from a similar mental affliction. It just seems impossible to me that she isn’t BP, but I’m not a doctor.
Your stories of emotional abuse ring in my ears, many many fights over the years where I was a punching bag for every possible insult and fault that I’ve ever had. Yes, you don’t dare fight back because that makes it worse. You don’t walk away and wish for calmer rationale times because that’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. Everything is my fault, simple simple small stuff that I’ve tried so hard not to disrupt with the walking on eggshells.
Anyways, she decided to walk away from the marriage a few weeks ago. I found out shortly afterwards about the affair she was having, which has been stopped for now…
We’ve been living apart now for 3 weeks, she has been seeing a pyschologist that has administered a barrage of questionnaires and surveys. My wife has become a master of hiding her BP, so there is gradual progress being made… but I think they’re mostly tackling superficial issues like control, trust and paranoia…
I love my wife so much, I guess like others I can see the depth of her soul and realize that she is a good person. Even though no one has come up with an official diagnosis, I feel enough for her to forgive her sins to this marriage as I consider her sick. She admits that something has and always will be wrong with her, but I don’t think she’s willing to admit that its a full blown disorder, nor does she want to take drugs or anything else to treat the problem.
As long as she’s out of control, people around her are being affected negatively and I fear this story doesn’t end well for anyone. She has mused about suicide on many occasion, perhaps when she is aware enough of the carnage that she has caused and the guilt she feels.
I think secretly in her head, she is struggling with potentially restarting her affair with the much younger man because of how it made her feel.
As supportive and patient as I feel I can be, I CANNOT in good conscience begin the process of counselling/reconciling unless she doesn’t do further damage to our relationship by continuning the affair AND she admits/gets help for this illiness… which she won’t even discuss or let me in her head about, although she’s really stuggling with whether to try and reconcile (can she love me again?) or move on (perhaps to stop hurting everyone, “she’s not worthy of me, I deserve someone better”). Another interesting side-effect of this problem is that her crazy 40-year BP side has attracted a bunch of other disfunctionaly partying friends that are sitting around advising her now to move on and be happy… I think BP’s or similarly messed up people have a way of finding one another, or as my wife says it… “she has dysfunctional friends so that she feels more normal…”.
I’m clearly emotionally weak right now, so I’m not even sure if (a) I can truly get past the fact that she was so destructively & romantically involved with other men, (b) what kind of person emerges after they are medicated for BP, is that manic fun person that I love so much completely gone, and (c) perhaps I just let this run its course because this new guy will surely have to deal with the same BP mess I have dealt with… eventually he’ll tire of it…
So tough to decide whether to fight or just cut bait and move on. I think we could work things out, but I can’t force her hand as she has the ultimate control right now (a major BP symptom). If I do move on, I worry for my children. Especially my youngest one which has a very similar temperment to my wife, and I can see tonnes of problems (fights between my kids, amongst the wife and kids, and with the kids in future)… not too mention the damage to the kids caused by severing the family.
I feel my wedding vows support me in my decision to fight for the marriage, but I’m fighting/fought a losing battle thus far and its taken a massive toll on my normally strong self…
Any advice or support would be helpful…. this stuff is so raw right now.
hi everyone
i realized there is antoher website whcih is an offshoot of this one for spouses of bipolar people
http://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/why-does-my-bi-polar-husband-run-away/#comment-42561
Hello Anonyd, I think you’re incredibly forgiving. Well done. I don’t think I have the strength to be like that. I’ve pretty much always known that if, when even, my husband is unfaithful then there will be no going back. Perhaps that’s why it scares me so much. He threatens me with it constantly but I don’t think anything has ever happened, yet anyway. He says that he is leaving on Friday. Well, actually he said yesterday afternoon that he was staying with me, but then he said yesterday evening that he is leaving on Friday. Come to think of it he acted this morning as though he is staying. I have to assume that the threat to leave with resurface repeatedly over the next few days. Yesterday I was so concerned about the incoherent and paranoid way that he was ranting that I was seriously considering whether or not I should have him sectioned (under the mental health act, I’m in the UK, not sure what terminology you would us in the US, basically it means taken to hospital against your will). I need to find out more about how you go about doing that. I’m very reluctant to do that because I don’t want him to feel even worse about himself. I know that he isn’t in control of what is happening to him but I don’t want to make anything worse than it is. I also find it hard to know for sure how much of what he is expressing to me is part of a drama that he is having and how much of it is actually completely involuntary. I don’t think that he will have been ranting incoherently at work yesterday and it confuses me that that part of him is somehow compartmentalised so that it is all directed at me. There were several occasions yesterday where he seemed as though he might become violent, he moved in an aggressive and threatening way very quickly while shouting. At times like that I tend to think immediately of the clock in order to gage how long before he gets tired and wants to sleep – that’s how used to it all I am now. I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t have this ranting problem at work at the moment, although at other times he has had problems with people at work, and he does have the problem of having too much energy when he is at work. Mostly he seems to be manic all the time but very negative when he is with me or in the house. He has a doctors appointment today and I’m really praying that he will tell the doctor about what he is feeling. He’s also been having chest pains and might only tell the doctor about that. I pray that he tells the whole story and not just the chest pains. We shall see. Fingers crossed he will attend the appointment.
The more I research about my wife, I’m convinced that there is something more than bipolar, perhaps something like schizophrenia or a personality disorder. There’s just so much deviousness and manipulation at play, and a cleverness at hiding the illness from so many people with a facade. Occasionally, she mentions suicide as a way to escape the guilt from the carnage she’s caused, no-one knows for sure whether she is serious or just being manipulative (I unfortunately think its the latter)…
I discovered yesterday that she was planning on taking my kids with her someplace where she’d be able to interact with the person that she most recently had an affair with… Her rationale was to see how she felt around him, otherwise there’d be unanswered questions if she decided to try and reconcile with me… When I confronted her on the irrational nature of her decision, and the fact that seeing him again would all but kill our chances of reconcilation… I was met with nothing but venom and viciousness. Honestly, I think that was all I could take. As forgiving as I am and as much love as I feel, I can’t continue to pine for a fantasy as I have been doing lately.
She’s currently seeing a psychologist, and personally I think she’s just been toying with him and telling him what she wants to tell him… He’s fascinated by her and I think he’s got his hands full doing all he can to tackle singular issues like depression, control issues, trust, etc… but I don’t think he’s considering this a serious mental issue because if he did, then she’d be seeing a doctor or someone else more qualified with this sort of problem… In fact, the psych was even the one that suggested she see this man again to check her feelings for him… What kind of twisted advice is this.
Bottom line is my wife needs help, she needs to admit there’s a problem, she needs to accept that she needs to treat it, and she needs to accept that there will be a period of experimentation/side-effects that she’ll have to be patient with and stay committed to. I can honestly offer a seat on that ride with her, if she could just stay focused on our family and curb her flirting obsession with other men.
I can’t make her get that help. Even just a mention of this problem to her, sets her off wildly defensive and makes it all about me. She can’t see that even without me, even with another younger man, there is still going to be a problem. Perhaps I have become a bit of a trigger for some of her episodes, perhaps someone new and fresh may buy her a temporary euphoric period of happiness… But this story is not going to end well…
Perhaps knowing that I love her so much, and I’d seemingly take her back in a heartbeat has given her a crutch which may be preventing her from taking the drastic steps she needs to take. I have to remove that crutch, stop all contact with her, and move on. For now, I refuse to be the brunt of the downward cycle and allow some other man to be on the receiving end of all her highs… so I have to be strong and cut bait. Maybe one day, eyes will open and she’ll want to help put our family back together again, but I will stop dreaming about it.
It takes a strong person to be as forgiving as I am, but unfortunately for a successful bipolar marriage it seems that it takes a strong BP person to want to try and make this work. So many success stories, all with the BP wanting to undergo treatment, wanting to manage their condition, I commend all of you.
I don’t know what motivates someone with these sorts of problems to continue to let them manifest indefinitely… What’s gotta happen to make her want to change? Does something have to happen to one of my kids??? God forbid. I’m powerless. Good luck to the rest of you.
You are very strong. I can tell that you love your wife and family a lot. I really hope you find peace in your situation and do the best thing for your whole family. Keep your head up. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you!
I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL,I DID NOT KNOW THIS SITE EXISTED,AND HAVE READ IT FROM TOP TO BOTTOM. THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST ENLIGHTENING BLOG I HAVE EVER READ,AND I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOU EXPERIENCES. IT HELPS ME PUT A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON MY SITUATION!
hey panda, annoyd, zuki, etc.:
i haven’t posted for a few weeks but here’s what’s new. i haven’t heard from my wife directly, but a friend of a friend said it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me, it’s that she’s afraid to since she believes i have “the power to put ideas in her head and make them think they’re hers.”
so this makes her sound totally psychotic, of course, but since it’s third-hand info, i don’t know how much was lost in translation.
she cancelled our car insurance policy a few weeks ago, which is bad because since she filed for divorce (back in July), there’s what’s called a preliminary injunction, which means we can’t sell or transfer or hide property, and have to maintain all insurance coverage (including auto) in “full force and effect.”
she could be held in contempt of court, arrested and prosecuted for “interfering in judicial proceedings.” she could even do jail time, although it’s more likely she’d get a fine.
of course, i’m not gonna turn her in, but it could come up if we end up divorcing and have to do financial disclosure. i sent her an email of the citation, asking her to reinstate the policy for her own good, and i sent a copy to both her coworker and her roommate. i got no response from any of them.
it’s just crazy, she’s pushing for this divorce without even speaking to me or asking a common friend to speak for her. when people bring up me or the divorce to her, she totally stonewalls them and shuts them out.
i can’t prevent the divorce, i can only slow it down by avoiding service and then filing various petitions, in the hope that she’ll come down from the high she’s on before the divorce goes through.
i just wish i had more direct info about how she was doing. she tells everybody she feels fine and is having the time of her life and i’m “blocking her progress.” as far as i know she’s still working.
we also owe taxes together, as well as a judgment from a small claims court case we lost (since she showed up unprepared and was unwilling to speak to me about it beforehand). this is all going to get garnished from her paycheck.
i’m going to start seeing our marital counselor/therapist twice a week now, hoping i’ll start to make some progress.
Annoyd, some interesting things you posted:
“Another interesting side-effect of this problem is that her crazy 40-year BP side has attracted a bunch of other disfunctionaly partying friends that are sitting around advising her now to move on and be happy… I think BP’s or similarly messed up people have a way of finding one another, or as my wife says it… “she has dysfunctional friends so that she feels more normal…”.”
This is exactly what happened with my wife, too (she just turned 30). Her new friends are divorced, dysfunctional cokeheads. They won’t stop her from being crazy.
“Perhaps I have become a bit of a trigger for some of her episodes, perhaps someone new and fresh may buy her a temporary euphoric period of happiness… But this story is not going to end well…”
Me, too. I’ve certainly become a trigger. How do we stop this? How do we get out of their way? I’ve tried no contact, it doesn’t work. My wife changed her phone number, even though i hadn’t called her in weeks. I could call her at work or go to her house anytime, though.
Polly,
I am not moving in with my boyfriend! i have no idea where you got that from!!
the abuse went both ways. we both knew. every one knew that we were no good for each other towards the end. that we dragged each other down. burned each other out.
you never took me or my bipolar seriously. i mentioned stuff like couples councilling. wrote stuff. made personall stuff what i wrote very very public, gave stuff for you to read which gathered dust under the bed. our problems was hidden under a blanket. you treat me morer like a daughter than your partner. smoked weed even tho you knew it was a massive trigger for me. even after i told you that the amount you were smoking was making me ill. was like i was smoking it myself and once again showing signs of drug induced pychosis.
the stuff you said to me out of spite did not help either. like when you went camping and you said you enjoyed it better because i was not there and told me that your friends dont like me. and even now you tell my that my “so called” friends tell you infomation about me.
it is possible to be with me when im raging or manic. the person im with now proves that. he does not roll over and let me stomp all over him like what you said my next partner will do. he has the right mix of mentallity. he is patient. the most patient person i have ever met. he does not make me feel that i am basket case. he makes me feel that i am human. he makes me feel like were even. i am not ashamed to have bipolar, he helped me understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. he has read the book even tho he is dyslexic and finds it hard to read. he has read what i wrote and more inportantly took it all on board. he has made more effort in the short space of time that we been together than you did in the nearly 3 years we were.
Hi Doug,
My wife says something very similar. That I manipulate her when we argue. Of course I don’t, I just speak the truth. The truth interferes with her “reality” and so since the two can’t coexist at the same time, it confuses her. My therapist who deals with both bipolars and borderlines is almost certain my wife is borderline. They are similar disorders.
Having friends who keep her going prevents her from having to face the ugly reality of what she is doing. “Normal” friends would see her behavior as odd.
In my case, I certainly can trigger my wife. It isn’t me though, it is anyone who is close to my wife. Usually family, but sometimes friends are pushed away if they get too close and say or do something real or imagined that hurts my wife. The real can be trivial. I don’t blame myself and you shouldn’t either. Rest assured that from everything I have read on bi-polar and borderline, if it isn’t you, it will be a future spouse or lover.
For many people on here reading, look into Borderline as well. My wife fit many of the symptoms of bi-polar, but it wasn’t until my therapist could relate my wife’s actions back to borderline behavior that I started to see that as a closer link.
In the Borderline’s (wife’s) case there is very black and white thinking, and splitting, where you suck and this guy over here is awesome type thinking. Basically you are either good or evil. Right now, I am in the being put on a pedastal, even though she wanted a divorce not that long ago and said some pretty nasty things. There is never an in-between, never a gray area. You are either on a pedastal or you have horns coming out of your head. They take no responsibility or very little responsibility for the pain they cause. Deep inside they feel shame though. If they do admit hurting you, it was your fault or they twist it in a way that tries to get you to beleive that they were right in taking the actions or doing what they did, this is to relieve the shame, though there is no relieving it because it is always there. In my case, god forbid if I ever made a good point, the subject would quickly be changed into something else that she knew I felt bad about, or she would say something mean or put words in my mouth and accuse me of something I didn’t do and then storm off. Last words were very important to her. Looking back at it, I think this was more for her benefit of convincing herself than it was for convincing me. I was told if my wife did leave me, it certainly wouldn’t be her fault.
Good to hear some additional perspectives.
let me first start by reframing my story as I did not mean to offend those on this blog that are afflicted with this unfortunate problem. Clearly I am angry at my wife’s affliction as it has caused deep permanent scarring to me and my family with her infidelity and destructive actions, but at the same time I still have sympathy.
I’m now 9 weeks into separation and through the past week I’ve tried a strategy of zero contact (phone, email, text) from my end as I feel that my strong support and love have proven to be a crutch for her to enable her to continue to explore other relationships. Actually, I guess after 17 years of marriage we both have developed a codependency on each other as with any marriage where couples are routinely in regular contact with one another…
My other observation is with all of my outpouring of emotion, feelings, reflections, admissions to my own faults with our marriage, and hope that we can try to work on reconcilation… my wife has offered up very little on her end. No validation of what I’m going through, she’s simply shut down emotionally. A few cracks form every now and then to display the sadness and guilt, but this still so much venom and anger to protect herself from me getting inside of her head. Anyways, I’ve found that during her outbursts she will often use everything that I’ve opened up to her about… and turns it around to attack me with it to hurt me with it during her attacks on me.
So far the zero contact thing has drove her nuts as she’s so used to controlling me and manipulating me over the phone. When I stopped answering the phone and texts, she resorted to communicating at me through my 11 year old daughter… I may have to ease things off a bit and communicate somewhat with her, but the new motto is that I REFUSE to let her inside my head anymore. I’m not telling her how I’m doing, feeling, not making any comments about her, etc… It’s driving her crazy, but I just think I have to stop this cycle of abuse permanently and move on… Because with all this talk about “triggering her behaviour”, I think we’re right in admitting that those triggers might be impossible to undo…
I also get accused of manipulation and putting ideas into my husband’s head. A friend of mind has a theory that it is because he feels inferior. He sees me as being more capable than him and therefore in control of myself and my life while he isn’t in control of himself and so he feels intimidated. I think it probably has something to do with transferrence aswell as he seems to want to control and manipulate. One of his obsessions is that after me his next partner will be young and naive, and will just ‘follow’ him. (poor girl)
I’m still living under threat of him leaving.. under the sword of Damoclese, as my sister would say. I’m used to that but also aware that someday he will probably actually leave for good. I know that I will miss him horribly, painfully. I can already feel it actually, but I know that when it does it (properly, as opposed to just storming out then returning the next day) after that then I won’t be able to have him back again. I dread it because I know it will be a point of no return for me, although he’ll probably want to carry on playing cat and mouse I won’t be able to do it anymore. I just know my limits, and have that very clear in my head. I hope that will help me in the future so that at least if he does take things that far then he’ll only have the opportunity to have done that once. Everyone has to have a limit I think. There comes a point when his problems aren’t my responsibility anymore and I think probably that will be when he has have left. At that point I intend to hold him fully responsible for himself and not make any more allowances. Brave words, I just hope I will have the strength to stick to them.
Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe in many years. I’ve always had this idea that when the day comes that he actually will leave I will wake up in the morning completely unaware that is the day it will happen. Things have been pretty rough lately though and each day is tense.
Today is turning out to be a very difficult day for my husband after all. It may be that this weekend is the one he leaves (again, but permenantly this time). I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone on this discussion and also to the host blogger. The discussion I’ve read in here has helped me to gain so much perspective on our situation and has really helped me to stay calm in the most difficult of circumstances. It has enabled me to realise that the situation may be beyond my control but it isn’t beyond my understanding and that really means a huge amount at a time like this. If it happens that you don’t see me in here again it will be because he did leave and I decided not to look back. I’m promising myself that if and when he leaves then I will spend every waking minute of my time forging ahead with my own life. Actually, perhaps I should start doing that regardless of whether or not he leaves. Again, thank you so much. xx
I am totally grateful for this website and many posts that have given me needed insight into the mind of my bp ex partner, a woman that I continue to love, adore and miss deeply in spite of the emotional torment this disease brought into my life. My relationship was brief, ending after only six months. She left three months ago in the wake of me labeling and name calling her some pretty ugly names. Two months into the relationship, I noticed major mood swings, and questioned her about what was happening. She admitted that she was bp and had not been on medication nor in therapy for years. She started snapping at me, and complaining about everything even though I worked every day and paid all the household expenses to the exclusion of some incidentals she took care of. She was not working, and actually had relocated to live with me after having a failed relationship with another woman in another state. We were at first very happy, but I began to think about how she just left the other woman and immediately started a relationshp with me. Needless to say, things got real ugly after a few months. She began restless, stayed awake half of the night while I needed to sleep and be rested for work. She also started eating excessively, and not wanting to do healthy things. When I asked her about working out and losing weight, she verbally attacked with venemous comments and an argument ensued. I called her some ugly names, apologized and went to work. When I returned home, she was gone, leaving a note stating that she loved me, but could not tolerate my verbal abuse. Despite my hurt, we saw each other a few days later, made love and started about couples counseling. I thought all was well, and we would work things out. We attended one session, after which she informed me that she was dating. I then cancelled couples counseling, and started on a course of trying to put the pieces of my life back together. Today, three months later, I found myself still in love with this woman, and baffled by my own feelings, and in a quandary as to what to do. I would appreciate any feedback…
Zuki, strong words is right, but just knowing what you should do is such a huge step. Practice makes better as a marriage counselor I had used to say. Knowing what you will allow yourself to put up with, what is “normal” and what is not is also a huge milestone. For me, I really had no boundaries. It feels so good to have them. I find myself seeing people in a whole new light. When people trample inside my boundaries I recognize it much faster. I recognize abusive or dysfunctional behavior so much easier now. It happened so quick for me, I guess I was ready. In my wife’s family, her father is verbally abusive, her grandmother is verbally abusive and her sister plays the victim all the time and tries to use guilt to manipulate. Her father and grandmother try to manipulate as well by using guilt and verbal abuse. When you see it and recognize it, you are well armed to deal with it. When you start realizing what YOU are responsible for it is so liberating. Zuki, it sounds like you are well on your way. You and no one on here deserves to be treated poorly. Understanding the problem your spouse faces and knowing it isn’t your fault helps in dealing with it, and then setting up boundaries is key in not allowing yourself to be overtaken.
My therapist beleives my wife is borderline, and in that, me setting up boundaries is good #1 for me, and #2 for my kids so that at least one parent is “normal” and #3 is good for my wife. It HELPS her recognize what is and isn’t appropriate behavior. I can’t change her, but I can change what I put up with. Liken it to training a dog or for those of you with kids, disciplining kids. My wife is extremely intelligent, but has the emotional IQ or EQ as they say of a five year old, so when my counselor explained how to work with it, I laughed, because it is exactly like handling a child. She does not know how to regulate her emotions, and counts on others to help her with that. If I put up with it, she thinks her emotional outbursts are OK. In the end though, we are only capable of changing ourselves.
Annoyd,
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife hardly ever took responsibility for anything. It was always someone else’s fault, mine mostly.
The triggers are probably impossible to stop, I agree completely, but I am finding I am getting better at recognizing when she is “acting out”, and walking away or letting her know when she blows up that I don’t approve of how she is acting or that I do not deserve to be treated that way. She may act out more, and become more angry, but if I remove myself from the situation, she will usually “come to” a couple hours later. As my therapist says, things will get worse before they get better because you are creating boundaries that they are not used to. Just like when children are exposed to new rules, they refuse at first and may act out and throw tantrums, but eventually, IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT, 
those will diminish. This is what I was told in regards to Borderline, as I am not sure this would work with bi-polar.
Again, I really have to say how much help you all have been and hopefully I can help some of you out there. I think I went through the past 17 years of my relationship figuring that my wife just had some really bad PMS or something, not realizing that the extreme lows and highs were not normal. I too was intoxicated with those highs, walking on egg-shells all the time not to set off my wife. So many times I watched her load herself up with work and stress, only to helplessly watch her collapse under the weight of it over and over again. I think I must be a patient, or extremely codependent person, to last so long in a marriage like this. We have 2 young children from this marriage, so perhaps everything that I went through was worth it in the end…
I have learned from this blog that the sane play is to let go. In my case, my wife’s behaviour ended up with an affair and several other (subsequently discovered) lirtacious incidents that crossed the line of a committed relationship. My wife walked out, she’ll probably want to come back one day, but maybe I’m blessed now with the chance to let her go and start fresh. I see clearly now that this is the only way for me to truly be happy and get off this emotional rollercoaster. I feel WAY better than I did a few weeks ago and if I can hold firm then I know I’ll get even better from here on.
Just following up on Panda’s last point about boundaries. “Boundaries” came up when I was talking all this through with my therapist a few weeks ago when I though I was just dealing with a ultra-controlling woman, and also back when I felt I was trying to reconcile with my wife. See, if I got back with the my wife and put down some common “rules” governing her behaviour with respect to flirting, etc… then she’d view that as me being “controlling” and she’d fight and resist like hell. But instead phrasing things as a relationship “boundary” for me, then it now becomes her choice and within her control as to whether she wants to live within those boundaries… it doesn’t come across to her as a control play anymore.
Since we’re still going to have to still stay in touch with one another for the sake of the kids, I can see some value in setting boundaries for our new co-parenting relationship. A week ago, she absolutely blasted me on the phone for now reason. After she calmed down, I told her that it was unacceptable for her to talk to me that way again (especially considering I wasn’t married to her anymore), and she seems to be starting to come around with these new boundaries so far… Perhaps the whole boundary thing might help you in your ongoing relationships if you are encountering similar paranoia about “control” in your relationships…
Last thing I’ll just throw out there. Whenever I was arguing with the irrational crazy side of my wife, I think I tried every possible strategy (quiet, fight back, etc…). She would of course tell me that everything was always my fault, etc… But she also used to critique my communication style a lot. She used to call me passive-aggressive a lot, and she ALWAYS said that I judged her all the time. Its taken me a lot of time with my therapist to explore these things, since I wanted to fix these character flaws for future relationships, etc… Problem is that I’m none of these things, and I consider myself one of the least judgemental people on this planet. The fact that I have so much compassion that I was willing to forgive all her sins due to her illness should be proof of that… So, long story short, one of my wife’s games was to convince me that I was just as messed up as she was. I know now that I’m not, I hope that some of you can look in the mirror and see that too.
Well said Annoyd, sorry about your situation, but it sounds like you are getting your life back. Your kids will have at least one functioning parent, and that is better than none.
Boundaries are good no matter what the situation or relationship. Learning what is and isn’t acceptable behavior is very key in setting and enforcing the boundaries. Like my therapist said, the boundaries could set the other person off, and things will likely get worse before they get better. Maybe the other person will leave, but the boundaries must be set for your own sanity. This used to be the hard part for me, because I was constantly worried about upsetting my wife. Before I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling her I thought her behavior was inappropriate, etc… for FEAR. Early on in the relationship I might have stood up to her and got the proverbial kick in the teeth and “learned” not to stand up for myself, at this point I can’t remember when it started. I am no longer afraid. I wasn’t doing my wife any good, me any good, and certainly not setting an example of acceptable behavior for my kids.
Panda,
Kids seeing a bad relationship or one where the parents keep separating is not good for the kids either. Please don’t be offended by that but it is true. You fixing how you react to her can only go so far and is not going to fix the relationship overall. You seem too scared to leave when leaving is probably the best thing. Parents should not stay together just for the sake of kids. Sorry but I just had to say it like I see it. Be well.
Steaknpotatoes,
I am not at all offended. You are absolutely right that parents seperating and getting back together is not good for the kids. Whether she is with me or not, she by her very nature will find herself in and out of close relationships. So I really don’t see that as avoidable as long as she doesn’t get help. It is not fear that is keeping me in this, it is my love for her. That is not to say that I have no fear, everyone does, and I as well as most on this board probably have more than normal amounts of it based on our unique experiences. Being a positive role model for the kids is most important, and I just started that journey since I just started standing up for myself. I will no longer take the abuse lying down as I just started to love myself as well as those close to me. Whether or not this works in getting our relationship to a “normal” level, I am learning the tools I will use and need for the rest of my life in any relationship. If I came across that I am trying to keep the relationship together for the kids sake I am sorry for the confusion as that is certainly not the reason I am with her. I have been dealing with her behaviors for quite a few years before we had kids, 7 to be exact.
I could have walked at any point during that time.
Panda,
Again no offense intended but I don’t think you should put up with all that I’ve read from your posts because you love someone either. And for it helping you in other relationships, people without bipolar or borderline won’t require such boundaries. It seems you are being and have been emotionally abused by her and love doesn’t justify it. I know I’ve been through it myself and thank goodness she finally left for good and I let her go. Trust me you can find another woman who will be a good woman and you can coparent the kids. No offense intended.
I have not taken offense at all. I understand your solution was ending your relationship and no one on here can knock you for that. There are two schools of thought on this subject, those like you that feel that they will never change so leave, and those like me that feel that there is a chance. I don’t want you or others thinking that means that I or those that beleive their loved one can change have to put up with abuse. Like I have posted earlier, I will not tolerate abuse any more and have spoken up. I am not fearful of speaking up and having her leave. I am confident in what I feel now. It is great. I just started this process of not allowing myself to be drawn into the drama, so I do think it premature to end the relationship. I don’t think every situation calls for the same solution steaknpotatoes. Every situation is different. Which is why I think rules about boundaries are great, because they are good no matter what decision you make or what situation you find yourself in. I disagree on the boundary thing with future relationships, because those of us in relationships with bipolar or borderline have in all probability lost our boundaries. Learning to get those boundaries back is good for future relationships because god help you if you end up with another person with bipolar or borderline, and even in “healthy” relationships, “normal” people will from time to time trample on your boundaries if you let them. After all, no one is perfect.
Agreed, no one is perfect but relationships with non bp people are not as hard and difficult and don’t require such measures and such bending over backwards. Yes they require boundaries but not nearly to the extent necessary with bp people. And who’d want to be in arelationship where you have to constantly set such boundaries, there should be mutual respect to begin with. There is a lot more give and take, happiness, and a lot less problems from the get with non bp or bordeline people. I hope you are not setting yourself up for big disappointment.
I hope so too steaknpotatoes. I guess I am going into it with a realistic attitude. I am not expecting overnight success. You would be surprised how boundaries help with all relationships. I am seeing things are lot clearer now that I have just started using boundaries. There is mutual respect. My wife is just overcome by a feeling that she is disappearing. She is in essence fighting for her survival. It clearly isn’t the case, but in her mind it is. These are the coping mechanisms she has learned for whatever reason for all her close relationships, leave before you get hurt. They are much more unhappy then you. It is hard to blame someone who has a problem that is in essence out of their control. The boundaries I am told become second nature after a while, like brushing your teeth in the morning or going to the bathroom. For me, trying is the right decision, now.
I spoke with my wife this weekend. I explained what I think she might be facing, and she cried. She said she felt “broken”, and then thought it might be better if she just killed herself to spare her kids from having a broken mom. She said she felt like a worthless human being. Today I got an email that she researched borderline and feels she might have that. She said she wants to get help. I am hoping that with therapy and understanding on her part, and mine that we can get through this. It won’t be easy, which is why I am not setting unrealistic expectations for setting myself up for disappointment.
Telling her was hard, I was extremely scared, and worried if it was the right thing to do. I do know that me seeking help is only 50% of the problem, and to have a functioning marriage, she needs to seek help as well.
Now the idea is she will come back and live in the house and we will take it off the market. She will seek treatment and I will continue to go to my therapist. As far as disappointment, this is a whole lot better than being 180 miles away from my kids and going through a divorce. steaknpotatoes, I know you are in the camp that says “run as fast as you can and don’t look back”
, but I still don’t think that applies to everyone and every situation.
I’m deducing that my wife is probably borderline also. She’s of the state of mind right now that she’s not going to want to hear that from me, I’ve reached out to some family members to try and help her because I think she is crying for help…. but I’m not sure any of them are brave or strong enough to stand up the defensive barrage they’ll face if my wife feels cornered.
Panda, I’d dreamed one day that my wife might be brave enough to admit she has a problem and willing to let me be there by her side to help her through it. I gave so much in our relationship (probably too much) and asked so very little, although I do need 100% commitment from her (with respect to flirting with other men) which has proven over and over again that she cannot do.
So, I’ve simply weighed all the pros and cons of staying. Coparenting would be easier if we were both together, but sadly there are so few pros that would justify me putting up with the continued abuse, selfish and narcissistic behaviour especially into our empty nest retirement years. These blogs and my therapist have kind of taught me that being selfish and looking after my own needs is really the only option. I have needs that have been shelved and neglected for years and there is only so much of myself that I can give into a blackhole of thanklessness and lack of reciporication. To fight to win back the love of my wife or otherwise stay emotionally committed to this relationship makes absolutely no sense, and I guess a clearer head these past few weeks has simply reconfirmed that to me.
I do want her to get help and attempt to address her problems, but solely for my kids sake and for the hope that she can have a better relationship with her family.
a good song for feeling strong and not looking back
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVFku0P7qTA
phil collins i don’t care anymore
I know what you are saying steaknpotatoes. It won’t be an easy journey for me if she follows through with getting help. I already am being selfish. I am putting myself first. I am not allowing her to blame me and am not taking responsibility for things that are not my fault. She is super sensitive, and will accuse me of accusing her when I didn’t. It is enough to drive you nuts if you aren’t armed with self confidence and a full understanding of what you are responsible for. She has come around before and said she would get help, but that was before I had an idea of what she was facing. Before I didn’t know, she went to therapy for a few sessions and then quit. Now I will be persistent. She has already told her mother, and her mother thinks she has it. I have at least one ally hopefully that will push her along the path of getting help and following through with it. We’ll see, but like I said, I won’t allow myself to be pushed around any more.
Hi Everyone
I have never read stuff from a site like this, and for sure I never wrote on one. I am not even sure if I am doing this properly. I would love to hear from some bipolar people who might be able to relate.
My boyfriend is bipolar and has had some very serious episodes in his life. He has even ended up in the psych ward of the hospital. However, all of these things happened a long time ago (he is over 50). He told me that he hasn’t had an episode in ten years or so. He takes his medication regularly and that seems to help him. We were together for only one year. It was the most wonderful year of my life. I am insanely in love with this wonderful person. We do not live in the same city, so we saw each other fairly regularly but only in short amounts of time – 4 or 5 days every month or so. He is very kind, gentle and quiet. Not much of a talker at all. A few months ago, he told me that he was ending things between us. There has been very little communication between us since then – an email here and there, but that’s it. I don’t want to lose him. I want him in my life, on any terms that he can handle, because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everything between us was going quite well; although the last weekend we were together things felt a little off and I couldn’t figure out why. Three days later he phoned me and told me he was breaking up with me. I am inconsolable. I cry all the time. How can I just let go of someone I love so much? So, does his breaking up with me have anything to do with being bipolar. Up until he broke things off we had talked about spending our lives together. Is there anything I can do to get him to come back to me or do I just have to let him go? Please, could someone respond because I am so unhappy all of the time without him in my life. Thanks!
hi cathy
yes this sounds like classic bipolar behavior! please read my and others’ previous posts and you will be reassured and start to understand it is the bp.
Hi Red
Thank you very much for responding. I felt very lucky to land on this site – I had never heard about it and Google was right on bringing me here. I have read some of the comments and I will continue reading.
hi cathy
also check out the link i posted to i have been in a relationship with a bipolar person and it was hell that will help also
my best to you red
I have never in my wildest dream had I experience such a cyclonic relationship, than the one I am experiencing over these last 11 years.
What have done in my past life that I am in the wild storm?
Every day is a different day that you can never forecast.
At least you can preemnt a hurricane, and then take action.
Why am I here in this relationship? Perhaps it is the challenge, and compassion and survival.
Here are some helpful things you can do to assist you.
1.Learn about bi polar, read up as much as you can.
2.Seek respite by having someone to talk with.
3.Don’t take the abuse personally, remember you have no recourse to argue with a sufferer when they in an episode, don’t even try to state your position, because you my push her further into depression.
4.Support her in taking medication, don’t use as a process to take it out on her.
5.Try not to de brief to work colleagues, seek professional people or other partners who are in the same situation.
6.You set up your own bipolar support group in your community; you may start a small newsletter to inform community about your meetings.
7.Remember you are not alone, you are an unpaid carer,
your pay off is that you are learning as you go.
How are you red and cathy ?
Hi Red and Jay (and anyone else who is reading this)!
Again, thank you so much for connecting with me. I have felt so much better since finding this site.
I have been reading back over everyone’s postings. There are so many, it is hard to believe so many people are suffering so much. But I am confused. My boyfriend has been on his meds for years. I have only known him for the past year – year and half so I have never seen him have any episodes. Although he did tell me about them. As I said earlier, he ended up in the psych ward a couple of times and was treated with electro shock therapy, which he absolutely hated. Not that I blame him.
For the year we were together, I felt like I was living a fairy tale. I was/am in love like I have never been before and I am over 50 with 3 grown up kids, so it’s not like I haven’t had any experiences in my life. But this relationship was different. It was perfect!! However, I didn’t see him regularly because, as I also said earlier, we live about 800 miles away from each other, so we would see each other for extra long weekends each month or so. We also spent 2 weeks together in the summer and at Christmas time. He was always on that even plane that the meds provide and he takes his meds regularly. We kept saying that one day we would live together.
Then, just before the summer, he broke up with me. Over the phone just 2 days after we had spent the weekend together. but we had planned on me moving to live with him for the summer months. We couldn’t yet live together full time, but I am a teacher so I have two months holiday time in the summer. The plan was for me to move to his house for the 2 months. We talked about it often, with anticipation (I thought). We never fought or argued the whole time we were together. Now, he completely ignores me. Just before I moved in, he broke it off. After reading other postings, it sounded like this might be a function of his bipolar behavior. I have tried to communicate through email and through mutual friends, but I hear nothing.
I can’t imagine my life without him. I ache all the time. Does this description sound like a bipolar person or am I completely off track. Almost all of the postings talk about the pattern of being together, breaking up, being together, etc. I didn’t have this eperience. When he broke up with me, he told me that he still loves me but he can’t bear the expectations anymore – he just doesn’t feel like he can meet them. But I never had any expectations. Everything was perfect. He also said that he felt he was losing himself in the relationship, feeling overwhelmed. Any thoughts out there to advise me. Please.
hi cathy and jay
it is CLASSIC bippolar behavior and same things happened with my ex bf. i was supposed to move in also, we got along great, never fought. they get overwhelmed re. commitment and cannot love people like we do and so they push you away. there is also nothign you can do about it. please try to let it go and find someone who does not have bipolar and save yourself the heartache of trying to figure out this behavior further, this is what bp people do, they get close then they run and cut contact with you.
jay what you’re saying is good but in my expereince it is best to let go and dont try to understand beyond it is bipolar and that is what they do unfortuantely. i made myslef and everyone else miserable trying to figure it out and trying to get him back but you cannot change their behavior or win against the bipolar. they will come back but they will also cut and run. i have found a wonderful man who is not bipolar and i am very happy now. i never thought i would get along so well with anyone again like i did with bp ex but i do and it is not fruaght with breaking up and drama.
all my best, red
Cathy and red thanks, Ive got run to work, soon as I get back I will write to you and everyone.
Please take care, we are all wonderful people with complex challenges.
Soon as I get back Western Austrailan time 1600 Hrs I will speak with you
Jay heaps
Cathy and Red, and others thanks for your comments
Cathy and Red, thanks for your comments. Red you have a good point, why have I taken the position as a care giver and not a partner?
I entered the relationship with proviso to have a relationship not to be a constant care giver.
There are moments; these moments are what I call windows of clarity and while they open for these brief moments of the authentic person appear.
I know that that I walk on egg shells, I am aware my partner will leave the relationship and when I mean leave she going through an episode.
I then say to her ok you have arrived at this situation or this episode I tell her to feel the pain go with it don’t fight it fall into it.
I know she will return from the episode and when she comes back I say welcome back and how was it and how do you feel.
The above is a light stage,
I call stage 1. Stage is emotional it may be easy to handle. Stage 2 she fall deeper into the darkness of depression she closes down to me.
Stage 3 it is when all hell breaks loose, she verbalize her hate for me and enter an anger stage by swearing me up and down.
I am dealing more than one personality here, I’ve learnt not to personalize or take this in a personal way.
Red you are right to ask why, am I in this relationship and what are my pay off? Over the 11 years I have been caring not relating, now I am relating, I have seen some improvement.
I am learning through this process and applying it in my work place, my job demands me of dealing with people in all situations.
I may turn up to a house hold where we are dealing with this very situation and if I can save that life and teach fellow colleagues to show compassion I feel good.
I just watched a television documentary on the ABC “Four Corners program” last Monday of the various police shooting of the mentally Ill throughout our country.
Those deaths could have been avoided if better understanding of the nature of what they were dealing with.
At work each day I never know what I am dealing with, I have to listen what they tell me in their voice, there body language, and action to me,
this evaluation is very important as it tells me what action I have to take.
Tactical retreat is a process could be applied in this situation of police confrontation don’t make the situation worse than what it is.
I apply tactical retreat when my partner is having an episode, I am grateful I have a one of the best teachers in my university of knowledge.
Cathy you are delaing with sitaution in your way some times as Red said you have to just leave thats cool too.
One day I may just do that I am not evloved enough in that area of leaving.
I know there is formula to this I am so close at cracking the code and when I do I will write a book, you both will get a personalized coy of that book.
Luv
Jay
There is more than one jay here make me Jay2
Now I m off too work have wonderful day people please write
Heaps Jay2
Cathy
He may say he loves you but he needs you more…
“Need” is different to “love” I believe that we have become carers in these relationships and we can often be confused with the need and love.
I believe we must love our self before we can love anyone else. For example if we have no self worth we attract that into our lives.
I know that has been in my case.
You sound like a very caring person some time caring people get used.
Until you can understand what you can gain or what is the pay off for you to be in that relationship you may find peace.
I like what Red said to “if no like get out”
My pay off for being in my relationship is learning, that might sound selfish and the end of the day we will have to learn something
Jay2
Now Im late 0542 Hrs Perth time
Hi again
Even if logic (and red) says to get out of the relationship, it is not so easy. I am so sad now; all the time. Sometimes I find myself with tears running down my cheeks. I miss him so much. The pain is almost unbearable. I am afraid that I am becoming depressed.
Yet, I know in my head that I have to move on. If I find someone else oe not, I need to begin to find happiness in the things and people who brought joy into my life before I met him. I know that if we get back together, then there will be more heartache for me. I am working on moving on. But it is soooo hard to let go and leave someone you love so much.
hi cathy
i know its not easy he made me feel worse than i felt my entire life, depressed, awful
he gave me no choice but to move on and stopped coming back after i kept pulling him back in (btw he wanted me to get a house with him and help him raise his kids, loved me more than anyone then one day for the 30th time boom, i dont love you, i never did, i don’t want to talk about it and hasn’t spoken to me since.)
i made the decision not to chase after him anymore (not that he wanted to be chased anymore anyway) and stop wasting my energy time and money on therapy figuring him out or tryuing to get him back and being depressed and miserable. so i started taking all that energy and put it into looking for a healthy relationship. i never said it was easy, it was a real low point in my life, it brought me to my knees. he brought me to the highest highs of happiness and then crashed me down taking it away from me with no warning, many times, and worse every time until i was almost cliniccally depressed. i know how hard it is and how much it hurts. but the only thing to do to save yourself and your mental health is to let it go. i wish i had a lot sooner.
all my best red
How are you all online here, Cathy I hopr you are ok and Red.
Hope youve had a great day my dsy is just starting.
Wow, I don’t believe I have posted since the very end of July, the morning of the day I received a call from the local police. My bipolar friend (love) and former professor (I am 14 yrs older…nearly 50) was with an officer and wanting me charged with stalking! He was there with one of his young (teen) girlfriends that he always has during the summer when he’s manic and delusional. I couldn’t convince the officer he was bipolar and delusional because, according to her, “he said you’d say that” and “he appears fine to me; he’s very confident.” He was also dressed in flashy clothing, talking a mile a minute, and walking faster than the speed of light. I had to agree never to speak with him again (email, etc) or I WOULD be charged with felony stalking. He was prepared to show her all my emails over the past year…all the ones he used to beg for:) The officer said cease and desist or be arrested, so I stayed away but continued to listen to his music from his blogs. And he, after two days, began “talking” to me again thru his song choices about love, about me deserting him, and about him wanting me to contact him. And he was sure to remind me of my promise during his depression in major June when I said I would never desert him. So I thought I found a way to communicate safely: I would post letters to him on MY music site that nobody else saw. That worked for awhile and he was very happy, but still avoiding me at the gym. In September he became delusional again (twice) and shocked me by posting back-to-back posts of my private (and rather risque) communications on-line for the world to see. Luckily, though, they didn’t contain my name or contact info. I refrained from using my site to post again (knowing what he could do when delusional), but I continued, only this time I would gauge his mood from the song postings and not post to him when I could tell he was “high” or “aggitated.” One morning in early Sept I listened to two songs about romance before leaving for my teaching job (which I just began in August). I came home from work to find that he had written a post on his national site and asked his listeners to call or email or write my church and my employer to get me to stop stalking him! He provided my full name and links to church and school! I hadn’t even posted to him! I was shocked; apparently his ‘morbid jealousy” struck again as it did in late July and this time all it took was two song postings that were actually meant for him! Within two weeks it was October and I learned that apparently he has that summer sun condition where he’s very manic and delusional late May thru september, but “stabalizes” some in October. One day he just returned to the friend I knew and fell in love with! In fact, twice that week he appeared at our gym at the exact time I always go (we used to work out together until early May rolled around), and he even parked his car where I always park mine. I could tell he wanted to approach me, but he just couldn’t do it. I, too, stayed away from him due to fear (and confusion). I returned home and checked his music blog. Sure enough, he talked about feeling his old self and wanting desperately to be with me, that he loved me, and he wanted a life with me. I could tell from his weeks of song postings that he had dropped the young “prop” (his words to describe the young summer girls). It was oddly refreshing to “have him back” after six months of hell. Well, that was two weeks ago and before two concerts where he drank way too much (it happens weekly, I’m guessing) and then became manic…although not nearly as bad as he was this summer. He is now back to communicating with me through music and avoiding me at the gym, but it appears he’s going to try again to approach me. Only time will tell. If I were stronger (he has truly weakened a once strong, independent woman), I would turn and walk away from him, but I just can’t. I fell for him the moment I met him in August 2008 and I feel a connection to him that I can’t explain. I’ve never been the co-dependent type, but I suppose I am now. And part of me still wishes to save him or at least to give it a shot. He’s so alone in this world (from pushing people away…since he tells noone he has bipolar…untreated Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling, morbid jealousy, the summer condition, and paranoia/delusions). He had everything I wanted: he is bright, funny, intellectual, we share the same loves (hobbies and music), he doesn’t want children, he doesn’t want marriage, he’s fun and energetic, and he is a great communicator (or at least he was….now it’s just song lyrics). Last week my employer was emailed by a fan of my music man; I was called into a meeting about the blogs (all three of them….even the embarrassing private ones that make me look like a sex maniac:). I am now being evaluated twice weekly and my boss no longer smiles at me. I’ve lost his respect. I doubt I’ll have my teaching position after this year. My bipolar “friend” won’t remove the posts and I am possibly going to have to hire an atty to sue my “friend” for libel. The ego won’t allow him to take down the posts even though he knows I may have to sue him; removing them would tell his listeners that he was either wrong or crazy. So I have become the sacrificial lamb, all the while he continues to “talk” to me thru beautiful lyrics and “say” he is going to try again not to be frightened of me. He has also “said” that he warned me of his problem and that I shouldn’t be surprised about what occurred, but he still won’t apologize or take down the blogs that will probably end my job and chance of future teaching employment. Yet stupid me cannot be angry with him. I empathize and sympathize with him. I understand bipolar, but I still HATE it. I am now divorced and have been deserted by my friends, I’ve stopped attending church (I went weekly), and I now suffer from insomnia. My bipolar “friend” seems to relish that I am now virtually alone. He “sings” about us being “twins,” loving me and taking care of me (which is sadly funny), wanting to be together and needing to be together for life, etc. I do believe he loves me a great deal (we had become very close prior to May and I am the only one he’s ever told he has bipolar), but I shall NEVER understand why he fears me when he’s not “stable,” why he loves the mania (He’s pretty much said it….he wanted to know who would choose being a nobody that is dismissed over being Godzilla), and why he can have little empathy for others, including the young girls who he uses over the summer and sometimes over the weekends during nights out with guys and alchohol. They arejust babies! The last one wasn’t much older than my own daughter, who shall never meet him for her sake. When I’ve temporarily departed my friend’s life, his usual “apologies” are about him being sorry HE’S lost me…all about him. I’m sorry I’ve written so much but I suppose I needed to vent. I can’t tell anyone about this (other than my boss who I had to provide documentation to show that I am not stalking my friend as I have been on my knees groveling to keep a job at which I am qualified and so happy). So thanks for tolerating me. Bipolar is a HORRIBLE disease, especially when the person refuses all treatment. I have told my friend that I am one of his disease’s casualties. And I am sure (especially from this website’s postings) that I am not alone. And as I close, I will tell you that I just spent four hours sitting and listening to his radio show where he spent 3/4 of it directing love songs toward me. I have been absent from him for a week due to him refusing to take down the “stalker” blogs. He knows he will outlast me. He’s correct. I’ve walked previously and always returned. I am now broken and isolated, and stressed to the point of losing weight, yet I still cannot let go. Lord, how does the disease manage to infect so many who were once strong and proud? I’m truly a different person now (weak), yet I love him today as much as I ever did…more even. I know I don’t need him, but I foolishly want him. I desire him…all of him. And I remember the man who was/is wonderful when he’s relatively stable, which I’ve learned is not very often. God help him. God help me. God help us all. I do wish I had never met him. My family would be intact and I would probably be as well…
Reply FLNonny Jay2
Wow you do write, Officers do need extra training….If there is a felony committed the officer may prefer the charges, but it is up the presiding judge to determine the legal outcome, not the police officer.
Police are at the front line often determining what constitute a felony but ultimate you do have a right of reply through the court process.
Officers must be very mindful they to come under the police code of conduct and can be due charged if they breach the police code of conduct.
With regards to emails the service provider can prevent and attacts on you by removing the person from the offending site.
You may not be able to take out action yet until you do some ground work.
Regards
Jay2
Thanks for the response, but Google says it’s not their responsibility and FM says it’s a third party blog that is independent. I have researched it and it does appear I have to sue my friend (or at least pay an atty to draft a letter that threatens to sue). Of course receiving will cause him to become manic and then he won’t act. He’s also so darned stubborn and arrogant, plus he’s survived 33 years with his secret and he works very hard to keep it. He’s definitely a survivor.
As for the police, I am a former parole officer and I have worked inside the felony courts so I am familiar with the law and our local police. Sadly for me, just an arrest can get me fired due to the teaching clause that I can be dismissed without cause within the first 3 months. The blogs (and subsequent emails to my school) appeared just two weeks into my job, which is probably why I am being evaluated weekly and I no longer receive praise and smiles from my once very happy (w/ me) employers. After being hired my principal always introduced me as “the jewel in his crown.” Now he won’t even look at me. I teach at a exceptional high school that happens to be in a very conservative and religious small town. Just the fact that I am divorcing went over like a rock; I was told by two teachers (who are each on marriage #3) that they are now “Christians” which is why they would never divorce again. I’ve also been told “Oh, you’re one of those” when I was asked to which religion I belong (Catholic). Although I love my job, my co-workers, the kids, etc, it is not the most forgiving town (which is ironic considering Christ’s message). So, all it takes is for doubt to rule and I am out of a job. Then any potential employers would not hire me after they did a simple name search. My name (with the posts) appears FIRST when a Goggle search is done. In other words, I am doomed. However, my divorce goes thru Monday and I, just last week, decided to drop my husband’s last name (which I’ve had for 20 yrs). With my maiden name, I have a clean slate. My husband (who I’ve made aware of my situation) and I are not telling our children as they would be devastated by me dropping the name (and I had promised them I wouldn’t a few months back)… Just more victims of bipolar and those who have the nerve to think they can help someone who does not wish to be medicated. In his defense, though, through his song lyrics he keeps telling me that he doesn’t want me to “get” his disease, that he loves me too much to subject me to it, etc. One of the songs he consistently plays is “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. “Bullet” is another. And of course he continues to play songs about wanting me but being “terrified” of me and not knowing if he can survive in “my” world. I don’t understand how we could be together for 8 months daily and nightly (at his employment and at the gym) and I didn’t realize he was sick. There were some signs (slight and rare mood changes), but I was clueless until his first delusional episode in mid May. I should have run away then…I still haven’t learned. God bless EACH of you who live with, and find a way to stay with, those who suffer from Bipolar.
Reply FLNonny Jay2
If one refuses treatment the Surgeon General or state or Federal Health may have avenues to assist with compliance.
Depending of the durstriction wether state of federal.
Rememer links are important, legal people in most cases look to linking factors example can you prove he is not taking his medication.
1. Factor of evidence is that he behavior in a manor the may suggest medication is not taken. Look at other examples.
Try to avoid emotional arguments, it very hard I know; when it close to you…
jay2
Jay, the police officer said he has a “right” to be delusional, although she added that she did not believe me as to his bipolar (even with those darn big brown “bipolar stare” eyes of his which I call “dead eyes”). I did send a letter to the head of the police department (typed and quite a few pages) explaining my situation and asking him to get his officers trained…or at least trained to call in a CIS (Crisis Intervention Specialist) when someone requests it. Someone trained would have recognized my friend’s full blown mania immediately and also understood that those who are experiencing bipolar truly believe what they are saying.
I would NEVER blame my friend for all the Hell he’s put me through, although when he is relatively stable (as he was when he tried to talk with me at the gym two weeks ago), he still refused to take down the blogs. Some of it has to be just plain ego. I do blame him for that, but I have never become angry with him for accusing me of stalking (7x), threatening me with death (with song lyrics) 3x when he has become jealous, or even posting the three blogs that may end my career and my once good name. I have made a point to let him know I don’t blame him. He goes thru Hell with bipolar and he feels out of control much of the time (which is possibly another reason why he won’t remove the blogs; he MUST have control). I have seen his compassionate, good side and I hurt for the brilliant, talented man who was once a young child with bipolar, and who survived an alcoholic bipolar abusive father (I have good reason to suspect sexual abuse), a mother who was sent to prison for years as he was left alone to raise himself all through high school, a violent brother, and a sister who escaped to live with cousins and now lives across the country from her entire family. My heart breaks for him, which is a huge reason why I am still here. And he counts on that, I’m sure. He has always called me (to my face) the first Christian he knows who is not a hypocrite (which is biased since he’s a disgruntled Atheist and all us Christians aren’t perfect) and called me the most compassionate person he knows (if you met his few friends you’d understand why:). And that was before I took care of him this summer thru his major depression (and after I learned he had bipolar).
I am; however, one of my friend’s “triggers,” even when I don’t try to be. But when I’ve mentioned that he’s gone WILD. I can’t seem to ever say anything right, although he claims I’m the only person who has ever calmed him and made him want to be a part of the “real world.” Who knows, though…for I’ve read how manipulative bipolar sufferers can be. I’ve caught him lying a few times (like when he said he dumped his “Barbie Summer Prop,” but really hadn’t) and when we were together as friends at a conference back in early May before I knew he had bipolar; I later learned he had been dating a young girl. In fact, he had come to the conference with HER, but had told her he had to sit with his student (me). I had asked him at the time why a certain young female kept glaring at me and he said he didn’t know. He also disappeared quickly after the conference leaving her stranded and me not understanding why he disappeared without even saying goodbye. So I am well aware of the manipulation that comes with the untreated disease. He also used part of the $3000 I gave him to pay off a late winter financial judgment and to see a doctor for an ear infection for plane and hotel reservations for a concert this summer….where he took his last ‘prop.” His song lyrics gave it away. Right before he left for the concert he played a song about wishing he hadn’t taken money from a woman (which would be ME). Upon his return he posted more songs about feeling bad for what he had done. His problem is he finds songs to go with every feeling and he can’t help but post them (except for the occasional time when he’s using them to manipulate). I later put two and two together and I DID do some temporary screaming. Then I apologized to him for losing my cool, but I also told him I would NEVER help him out financially again (which I wouldn’t). Again, I apologize for talking so much. I am totally alone now and I’ve kept this all bottled up since I posted the morning of my near arrest! This website is truly a Godsend. And venting is a Godsend:) It is nice to not be called CRAZY. I know what’s been occurring to him and to me, but unless someone knows the disease they would never believe me.
Strong and proud you are FLNonny, its just you have emotional things to deal with….
You have a wonderful spirit of survival. Just by reading your TXT I can determine your stealth.
Remember these are just emotional waves each wave may appear to be a downer, remember you are not down for ever.
Even if one has Bipolar , while on medication some become very well, in coping.
Its not the end of the world, I do hear you when you say it is horrible, the condition is, the person is trapped.
Try not too blame the person, thay not responsible in somes cases for thier actions.
catch you all later, I got get out to throw a few hoops, or go to friends to play base ball, It is such a beautiful day today.
May even ride my peddle power bike to the inner city by that time some one may say hello…..
Stay cool
Dear Nonny,
you have said so many things that ring so many bells to me, firstly CODEPENDENT, well thats me too or it was me and that is really unnattractive to a man, being clingy and needy – please google AJ Marhari and Tami Green re borderline personality disorder, they have a lot of good info on codependency. Also the songs by Jonny cash, remember the song walk the line, the words ‘i walk the line because your mine’ ?? June carter married him after saying no a few times as he couldn’t behave himself. She managed to make him walk the line not by being codependent or needy or clingy, but by just letting him be. dont tolerate abuse and get back your self esteem, be confident – its very attractive to men, even badly behaved ones, they know what they are doing bipolar or not. they need someone they can trust who can sense danger, someone they can confide in as a lot of people just need someone they trust to talk to…… be it abuse from childhood or whatever. You say you are weak, you are not, BE STRONG, being strong is what will make you. i have been to the depths of despair too, lost weight, regained weight, abused alcohol,. gambled etc etc………. Please read up on codependency. And really take care, i remember a while back you said to me that i wasnt taking care of myself, I am now, am getting a million times better, my self esteem is rising and am really working hard at it. YOU CAN BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!! believe it and you will see it. M xx
Michelle FLNonny annoyd red cathy Panda all on this site.
Thank you for your comments
I am starting believe that bipolar may be a viral infection that has occurred in the patients’ immune system that triggers various receptor cells within the brains’ immune.
I am like all who are on this site; I can be frustrated and angry, due to my partner’s condition.
I am motivated to study the condition from a medical and law stand point of view.
From a medical point of view we will see a breakthrough in medical treatments for patients.
But what about the carers who provide the support to those who have Bipolar.
As I read the various comments on this page I feel for all of you and I feel a part of this association of the damage and carnage that Bipolar has caused in the lives of those who have lived considerable normal lives prior to entering into this partnership.
I wouldn’t leave my partner I have gratitude for this experience she has given me. I now see things from different point of view.
I don’t understand Bipolar, I understand what she goes through I see the affects I know that she has gone away for a moment, and I await her return….This the best way I can describe this situation.
Try not to treat them as crazy people; they are not that are chemically effected people who need to be loved.
I have been reading these posts with relief. I have been dating my bipolar partner for 8 months. I knew he was diagnosed with bipolar and witnessed his need for a large amount of sleep and timeleness and cleanliness.
Now i have read these posts i have a clearer understanding why he chose to opt out of together time or cut it short sometimes when continuously complaining we didnt spend enough time together.
Having not long been separatd from a 14 year marriage and left by my ex husband within 10 minutes, any kind of rejection, even in the smallest form feels extremely cut throat.
The reason I have left this post is that im a mum – single – with two children under 6. I have never met a man that has such softness and tenderness and lack of ego, just humble and its very attractive.
My partner hasnt worked for years due to the condition but now is showing signs that hed like to venture back into teh working world. He was brought up in the care system aswell and has no further dealings with his family so has detached from any poision in his life as he describes it.
The only time i have witnessed anti behaviour anti me is when he is in need of money. He has taken money from me on many occasions.. sometimes for weed sometimess for alcohol and he has no limitations.
He has now entered into a low space, black id say, isolated himself, not calling as much but asking that il be there for him. He has a trip to the psychiatrist soon. He isnt eating well just recognises the signs and is removign himself until the cloud lifts.
Iv now spoken to him and explained that he is dear to me,bordering love id say judging by the tears im shedding now as we speak. Iv explainedthat i will hold him because his love is hard to let go of. Iv explained that il b a listening ear because his voice is soft and tender and Ican feel his breath and lips softly against mine iv explained to him that through all of it the highs and lows no-one will ever touch me emotionally like him again.
He strives to be with me more and more but can be very changeable, I strive to stretch him because he makes me curious. My fear is now that im not strong enough to endure the ride ahead of us. People poo par the lelve of love you can have with a bipolar partner.. but boy i never had this even when i was married for 14 years. Will he be there for me in any capacity in time.. if we separate will his soul call out to me .. there is something beautiful about bipolar for all its ugliness.. it draws u in and warms ur heart. My pathway is uncertain now .. but I care deeply for him and if separating is what maintains an even keel so be it.. I have children and they have triple the love to give .. they care for my partner but care for me more. So what do i do now, im nearly 40 and will miss holding him so much. He is a care .. i have two children to care for already.. am i falling .. poss yes.. will i come back to him .. who knows.. will i forget him if i dont.. never. x i wont love like this again.
Jay2,
I second the avoiding emotional arguments. This is for two reasons I am sure most on here probably already know, one it just seems to set them off even more, and two, you will never win…ever.
Don’t even try. My therapist says to empathise, state facts, ie how you feel, for instance say, “I am sorry you feel that I blank, but I feel blah blah blah” and then leave if you have to. Don’t argue though. I am an extremely logical guy. I used to be a bond analyst to give you an idea. I play chess for fun. 
Logic has no place during these emotional outbursts. I went through a process myself. First responding to the anger with my own anger. Then I learned that anger is usually just a fear response. This was before I figured out my wife had something else going on. Once I learned that anger is a fear response I stopped responding to my wife’s anger with anger and remained calm, yet still continueing to debate the emotional issue. Now, I am in the process, still, of trying to not get wrapped up and dragged into the drama. Easier said than done, but it is a process.
From what I understand, they can’t think logically during these outbursts because their emotions are overruling. Even if they see your logic, they don’t want to accept it because it would mean their emotions are wrong. They can’t face that their emotions are wrong and will do anything to keep their reality real to them. Reading over what I just wrote seems crazy, but I can’t think of another way to put it.
My wife I believe is borderline, so I am not sure how useful this information is for those of you dealing with bipolar, but there is a link between bipolar and borderline. Good luck to everyone who is dealing with these disorders.
I don’t even know where to start but only thank God for finding this blog. I’ve been feeling so lost like so many partners that have written on this post. From the very beginning my partner told me that he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Said 7 psychologist had not been able to help. I’m a christian believer and thought there is nothing impossible for God. I had not seen any signs that could deter me from continuing the relationship. This man is my soul mate. From the very first day we met the connection was so intense. That even after not seeing eachother for 1 year, went became inseperable. Shortly after moving in with me, he started turning into a Jekel and Hyde. Putting me down, when running a bit late from work, accussing me of having someone else. All this abuse was new to me since I have never allowed anyone to talk to me in that manner, but the affection and “good” side to this person kept me drawing in like a bug going towards a light. He doesn’t take any medication. I started trying to educate myself and gave up when I started seeing he was back to his “normal self”. Unfortunately, all hell broke loose when he starts to text me message after message about my irresponsible teenager. By the time I got home, he was cursing my child (17 yr) outside of the home. I have raised my children by myself and have never been exposed to any violence or this type of verbal abuse. Needless to say, he returned to his apartment. It’s been a month now, my children think I have lost all authority and respect for myself for continuing to remain in this relationship. After reading all the blogs here, I know I’m not the only one. I want to help him but I find myself feeling like I’m the one with a disorder now for allowing all of this in my life. I don’t know whether asking him to go get medication will push him further away or when is the best time to seek help. Please give me your input as my friends, family and even church family think I’m the one with the problem for wanting to be in this relationship.
I’ve been coming to this site for a few months now. I found it during a low, low time for my bipolar partner when his depression was starting to actually scare me. It confused me. A few really great things happened in our lives and his emotional response was rabid, intense and totally disproportionate.
He stopped taking his medication about two and a half years ago and has pretty predictable mood swings that include sadness, irritatibility, rapid talking, disconnected thoughts/ideas and lots of energy. Other times he is calm, collected, charming, comedic and so on. Sugar and spice, etc. He isn’t nasty or angry. He doesn’t become very mean or abusive. It’s internal and personal, usually not projected.
I’m realizing that his depression is starting to depress ME. At times I feel powerless and sad, his mood creates a void. I get annoyed, irritated, short-tempered. However, our relationship is healthy. I’ve read a lot of these comments and I feel for you all. I see the warnings and cautions of ‘run for your life’/'leave while you can.’ I go back and forth with how I feel. Sometimes I think I might have a different idea of madness or “mental illness.’ And a much different experience of it, perhaps. I’ve met all kinds of people with all kinds of temperaments and emotional habits/personalities. Sometimes I feel like this is totally normal. Other times it seems like a dream, like I’m participating in a simulation of textbook mental disturbance and how it affects a unit, a household. It’s a rollercoaster.
I am interested to see how this turns out. I’m wondering if I will spend a life with a kind of kooky man or if he’ll rage into a monster I no longer recognize.
I
have been severly affected by an amorous relationship I had with a young bi-polar of 22 (half my age!). Sometimes I blamed the internet for it….but like the legendary and incomparable Jimmy Buffett sings in ‘Margaritaville’:
“Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame And I know it’s my own damn fault”.
Well, she did contact me through the internet after reading one of my music related articles, her first email consisted of an bio-introduction stating “You sound like someone I’ve searching for all my life” – which sounded odd since I hadn’t said much about myself in the first place, she talked about “re-entering the plastic world”, “Please, be gentle with me, if you approach me”, about hating the area of the city where she lived…she lived in the western suburbs of Sydney and hated the ‘low class of riff-raff’, if She were an American Girl she’d be the dark bohemian-gothic vampy girl from Hackensack, New Jersey who yearns and dreams about living on the Lower East Side, Soho or Greenwich Village, but due to her ‘mental condition’ she was on a permanent government medical welfare benefit, which by the way did not sit right with her and felt ashamed of being the recipient of welfare. She lived with her family, she claimed her mother hated her and she was desperate to make friends…”If You hadn’t replied” – she said , : I would have died of loneliness”.. .she seemed to me like a ‘little bird who had fallen from her nest after a powerful storm’….and your ‘Quixotic’ narrator here decided there and then that he was on a mission to save her…. she was brilliantly academically, with a stratospheric IQ . She told me to ‘accept her with her changing moods she also said she would be at an annual “Gothic lifestyle” event if I wished to join her and also provided a mobile number if I wished to contact her….I replied with kindness to her email and promised to write to her from time to time. A few weeks later i rang her, she told me she was living in an area not far from me and that she was living with her ‘arty’ boyfriend and was working in graphic design. She would send the odd email here and there, but for the moment she remained someone ‘interesting and intriguing’ who I would only meet through the screen of my computer. Until….I received a text message, inviting me to join her at a Bar in the center of Sydney Town (Australia) one Saturday, I politely declined her invitation because I was working that night but I said I would meet her after midnight if she agreed. Little did I know that this would be the start of what I have titled this unnerving and lamentable chapter in my life:
“The Quiet and subtle Cyclone”. Sara, was one of the most beautiful women, I have ever met, she had those gorgeous big green-blue eyes had seen some beautiful faces in my life but Sara’s face was like nothing my eyes had gazed upon before….my mind raced trying to find a meaning to all this, was I suddenly falling in love? at my age?…again? why? why now, why her? Inexplicably my brain started playing a musical soundtrack – snippet’s of ‘Claire de Lune’, then ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ by the Blue Oyster Cult a, The Door’s ‘You’re lost little Girl’ (“Yor’re lost, Little Girl, Tell me WHO are YOU??” Jim Morrison’s voice sounded as he were sitting next to me We talked until dawn, her life read like whirlpool of trouble, chaos, disorder, people coming into her life and suddenly exiting, suicide attempts, admissions to hospitals, hating her mother, hating life, hating the ‘plastic world’, hating the ’system’, hating being ‘placed in a cultural-group catergory’ , paranoia, her long list of medication and the long road to finding one that worked….Lithium was what she now was on and seemed to do the trick and a whole catalogue of broken dreams and aspirations. She believed in an entity named ‘Nicholas’ – Nicholas had been a human once, a few years older than her, he had saved from some school ‘bullies’ who were taunting her, after the incident she ‘entered’ a type of ’suburban’ cult which was captained by ‘Nicholas’, the philosophy behind the cult seemed quite benign yet nebulous but then there was a ‘power struggle’ with another male member in the cult and the whole group collapsed, Nicholas suddenly vanished. Soon after she learnt that Nicholas had committed suicide in another city. She was 13 years old at the time of the tragedy and had a terrible effect on her life. She carried a drawing she had made of ‘Nicholas’, it was of a young man, he looked sad in her had a goatee (beard)….so did I!! Nicholas was a powerful presence for Sara, everytime she made a life altering decision, Nicholas had to be consulted, she would talk to him in what she called ‘a day of contemplation’. She told me her close friends were few, she was sick and tired of having infantile conversations,and also told me how grateful she was to have me a ‘friend’ in me, a more mature and more understanding individual which would bring ‘joy’ and ‘enlightenment’ to her existence.
The mysterious Sara had now come into my life, she appeared so honest,yet there was an air of ‘Pathological’ frankness about her, she was so hurt by all her terrible circumstances that she moved me like few individuals have in my entire life. My meetings with Sara became more frequent, she would take any opportunity that was available so she spend some time with “Her Angel” or “Pretty Creature” as she called me, was this a sign of her condition? was it an nickname of affection? did she really think I was ‘Angel’ (the white ones with wings and halos??). “You never chose your first name, Your parents gave it to you, that’s why I don’t like to use first names” – she would reply. It did not matter where we met., as long as it was “quality time” well spent for her. Since we were both involved with the ‘arts’ – our outings revolved around ‘cultural’ pursuits One night as I was reading some of her writings, prose and poetry, I felt so inspired by her that I gave her an innocent kiss and I embraced her, then another and another until I couldn’t stop, we both couldn’t stop…she seemed starved for affection, as if she had been waiting all her life for that first kiss. ‘Don’t fall in love with me, Sara’ ‘I won’t’ she assured me But we both knew we had succumbed to that most maddenning and turbulent of human emotions : Love We tried to explain and justify our ‘friendship’ as something that was meant to be, we were ’soul-mates’, regardless of what would come between us, our love was boundless, we were both free to come and go. I assured her, that if she found someone else I would understand. She led me to believe that she would always be ‘romantically’ available for me., by accepting her ‘Bohemian’ lifestyle, I would be not ‘imposing’ restrictions on her freedom, and would always return to me. The ‘Tornado’ was a mere breeze at present, but during the course of the next 4 months it would gain so much strength that it she were a ‘meteorological’ phenomenon she would rank a big 5 on the Fujita scale.
Comments
The avalanche of emails started about 3 days after our first ‘face to face’ meeting., in these emails, she stated that “she felt that for the first time someone had paid attention to her”, and took the time to hear about her very confused and dramatic life’s predicament. “I hope you don’t mind saying it: But I feel I’ve known you before and I am deeply in love with you, I haven’t felt like this before, ever” …….my reaction was “WHOA!!! “,……….was this girl serious.??…mind you, she was only 21 yrs old, a very turbulent time, where one still grapling with emotions, expectations and tribulations of becoming an ‘Adult’. The tone of her obsession grew day by day, she knew that I was already in a relationship of many years…which had grown more sedate and distant recently. Maybe she felt the emptiness somewhere in me and took the chance. “I don’t mind sharing”…., she would say, “but I want you to realize that I am sacrificing myself for you, Angel”….. “I certainly do not want to destroy your life”…. “I want you to understand my needs….” she spoke often of ‘Bohemian Ways’ and of living her life without restrictions: “freedom is very important to me”. Sara also entertained delusions of ‘grandiosity’, previous lives, and psychic powers, delusions of being something greater than she really was. I became the ‘Pretty Angel’, her ’saviour’- put on a pedestal which could tumble at any moment, since when somebody ‘worships’ you there is no margin for error…once you fall you are GONE. This obtuse adulation on her part did not sit at all comfortably at first, but then I became used to it. Soon After the express delivered ‘cellphone’ text messages: “Love U Angel” XXXXXXXXforEVER, “I’m so in Love with you”…..at first I thought it was cute and innocent but then I realized that this girl was deeply and obsessively , madly in love with me….and believe me this feeling is like a drug…you live for it but then it kills you!.
Then she dissapeared, made excuses to get out of my way and her “angel’ was demoted to just a mere mortal, who had feet of clay
I hit the ground like a lump of lead and ended up in counselling., the whole things was a gruesome, fiendish and emotionally exhaustive experience.
I year on an the scars are still healing.
Can anyone relate to all this?
Regards
BDE71.Panda,Harlan,SSiren88,Soul,FLNonny,red, cathy. and evryone who reads this….
We are all amazing people I love you all, just reading your messages I so grateful I am not alone, we are not alone in this journey.
We are all coping whether we are in the relationship or out of it.
I am sure we have to cope with something that we have not dealt with in our lives.
I am a professional person I see these things every day, its so demanding and yet so rewarding to show gratitude and compassion.
I have never written on these sites before.
I will go through your messages,
Warm regards
Jay2
Reply Soul’
I smiled inside of me when I read your story soul , becasue it is the same as mine….
Hope you dont take offence because it means Im on the same page…
takcare
Jay2
Soul, don’t put up with violence get out of there if you can.
You can get counseling to break a relationship.
You can even tell your parner you need to take a holiday with family, its a good idea to take that break.
I know its hard to break, dont let your self be abused.
I do appologies as a man some men treat women with disrespect.
The more we love ourselves the more we love our partners
and that goes to same sex as well.
Thanks Jay2
Yesterday I looked for a therapist and hope to meet with him soon. As I’ve been reading various post here, have been trying to see what I can use to reach out to him. Finally two days ago I called him and matter of factly told him to make me dinner. Went over to his place and just held him. I don’t know who needed the hug more, him or me. We spent some time together and went home. Last night spent most of the evening with him and was able to talk about how I was feeling. I took the approach of writing a journal down explaining how I was feeling, how I too felt like my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. He was open to listen and in detail explained how the anxiety creeps in and how pushing people away is the best approach of dealing with things. As I was writing, I felt like I was the one with bipolar. But I think I was also describing him in me. He was calm, loving, and speaking clearly. He tells me that he loves me but coming into a relationship where my kids are dictating my actions has dissapointing him. I’m caught in the middle because my kids (20, 17 & 10 yr) think I have broken things off with him and so does my friends. I feel like I’m living a double life to try and make sense of all this. This is the first time that I spent so much energy in a relationship and the only relationship I feel worth fighting for. My goal is to see a therapist and see if I can bring him in so he can get the medications he needs and hopefully we can stabilize this situation. I continue to pray and hope God grant me the wisdom and strength to know when to walk away.
BDE71,
You sound like a wonderful person. Welcome to the journey, it maybe a bumpy ride. Let me share this with you, this may work just try it and then get back to me. Whenever my partner gets in a low moment, I journey them through the pain.
How do you do that?
1 Get my partner to relax
2 Ask her what she feels at the moment.
3 Ask her to feel her emotions
4 Ask her to wash that feeling over her entire body
5 Then I ask her who she sees in their mind picture
6 They will tell you the person they can see.
7 Tell them to speak with them and look the person in the eyes and tell them how they feel
8 finally take the person who they see to a fire side and leave them there
Tell them to leave, to the fire side and sit by the fireside. This is called journeying.
This may not work for everyone
In our case my partners Mother took her own life when she was six years of age Her mother was holding her in her arms while drank poison , then when she was 14 years of age her father who was a violent man was found in the back shed, he took his own life as well. My partner could write a horror story on her life, I love her she is special.
For evey action there is source find source
Love Jay2
Just ro remind you I am on the other side of the globe there is a date and time difference…..
thankyou
Jay2
Reply Panda
Thanks bro you are right….. My guitar was in pieces before a concert…..I can’t even practice’ in front of her. She was listening to the radio a month ago there was my song being played;
I ran to the radio and turned it off in fearing her criticism or her anger.
I have told her to come to a concert to make her a part of the process and then she comes around. So there are ways of dealing with the situation.
Thank you Panda
Soul, and others on this site
So much is talk about the person with Bipolar, but about carnage that is left from the challenging relationship.
I am aware that I have developed a formula that I know that works for me and I keep reverting back to the structured process of detachment from the emotional event.
The carnage I am speaking of is pure emotions.
We are more in a caring role than that of a relationship.
We need to develop a strong support base for our own sanity, for example friends to speak with and a normal social group of people.
If we suffer in silence, these emotions just builds up and up because of the pressure from suppressed emotions.
Before you known it we need may need assistance.
I believe that bipolar will be treated in the near future, from the research that been developing I believe be major break though.
The only reason why little is done, is because of the stigma that attached to the condition.
Bipolar can be easy explained to be a conditional response that occurred to sufferer in early childhood and even Vietnam veteran like my step Father had suffered from his tour of duty.
I was very young to understand but as I grew up I soon realized his post traumas that his suffers even now are real.
Moral: Detach
Detachment mean freedom enjoy
Jay2