Reasons 6 and 6.5 that I know the drugs are ok

3 Dec

Aside from the pudgy weight gain. It’s annoying-my appetite is down, WAY down, yet I still seem to be putting on a bit of weight. I looked in the mirror the other day and saw an honest to goodness FAT girl there. I’ve never totally internalized that-my chub always spread itself evenly over me, so while I was a big girl, I never felt fat-you know, LAZY fat, or “eats too much” fat.

But somehow, it didn’t bother me that much. Sure, clothes don’t fit that well, but I’m happy, Mogo loves me the way I am, and I’m no unhealthy. So who cares? I could be slimmer, and I’m gonna start doing more yoga to help with that, but really, do I care? Not that much. A little, but it’s not the end of the world.

The bigger reason I know the Lithium is working on my bipolar is that I don’t feel anxious when presented with social events anymore. There’s still a little, but it’s normal, the way I used to feel about going out. A slight bit of trepidation, but nothing more. I actually signed on for our company Xmas party this year, which caused more than 1 person to hover at my desk asking WTF? (In my defence, it’s at a theme park this year instead of some stuffy hotel) And I’m excited-I’m doubly excited because we’re going to get a hotel room and have a night to ourselves for the first time in, well, ever since having the kids.

We’ve never had a date night like this. I’m looking forward to hanging out with my husband for a night, maybe getting drunk and sleeping until we wake up the next morning. Eating breakfast without fingers in it. Having some adult conversation. (Playing mini-putt while half tanked!) It’s been so long since going out wasn’t filled with fear and anxiety-for the past 10 years or so, I’ve mostly just not gone out. It was safer, and easier to stay home. Less variables. Less people to try and talk to or interact with.

You know how hard it is as an adult to admit that you’re too scared to go out and mingle with people? To have friends get very angry with you because you can’t move past the fear and go with them somewhere, meet them in a busy bar? To not even have a name for the anxiety that eats you alive when you do something as simple as go out to a new restaurant to eat?

I’ve been doing these things lately, and with glee. It’s so freeing, and in some ways, depressing. It shows me exactly what I missed for most of my twenties, frozen and stagnant, unable to move.

Now my fears are more exotic-what if the lithium stops working?

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15 Responses to “Reasons 6 and 6.5 that I know the drugs are ok”

  1. radical mama December 3, 2007 at 10:37 am #

    I am glad that you have been able to go out and enjoy new things. Have fun on your date night! Woot!

  2. bine December 3, 2007 at 11:26 am #

    glee! glee is good! i’m so happy for you.
    and remember, that pudginess may be mostly retained water due to the lithium. drink a lot. more than a lot. it has to come out of your ears, really.
    and have fun with mogo on that night out. you deserve it.

  3. Caitlin December 3, 2007 at 11:47 am #

    I’m glad the meds are working and it sounds like the anxiety about new social events is down to a normal level. I hope you and Mogo have an awesome time on your date night :).

  4. hilary December 3, 2007 at 12:52 pm #

    I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar II, which of course has some important differences from the Bipolar I diagnosis, but I completely relate to the anxiety about social situations phenomenon you talk about here. I’m very glad to hear you are making progress on this front :) I take different meds than you, this entry gives me hope that eventually my doctor and I will hit upon the right combination so that I can stop being such a recluse.

  5. thordora December 3, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    oh hilary-you have no idea how nice this is! I hope you get here!

    And I have no idea if we settled on a I or II diagnosis…I’ll have to ask…

  6. Mad Hatter December 3, 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    I’m glad the meds are working. I’ve been on meds for 3 months now for hypothyroidism and they have changed my life completely. Each day I’m in awe of how good I feel about myself and the world. I could never have imagined this three months ago.

  7. Nat December 3, 2007 at 1:38 pm #

    Sounds like it’s doing you some good. Nobody likes to face anxiety or fear. I hope you have a great time at the party!!! It’s overdue! ;)

  8. alimum December 3, 2007 at 5:28 pm #

    I am really glad the meds are working and so happy you are going to get a date night (and the opportunity to sleep in).

  9. Brooke December 3, 2007 at 10:09 pm #

    I loved the part about eating breakfast without little fingers messing with it. Being messed with when I eat is an annoyance beyond measure for me – I take my food seriously and want to enjoy it, dammit.

  10. Marcy December 3, 2007 at 11:56 pm #

    This sounds really good. Mmmm.

  11. marcelarhodus December 4, 2007 at 1:06 am #

    this post made me happy today, I’m crabby, have a crabby preschooler and a whiny teething toddler, and your post made me happy. Thank you.

    I’m happy that the meds are working, that you’re getting out and enjoying yourself and that you’ll have that date night… it is all so great!
    thank you for making me smile.

  12. mercurial scribe December 4, 2007 at 2:04 am #

    “You know how hard it is as an adult to admit that you’re too scared to go out and mingle with people? To have friends get very angry with you because you can’t move past the fear and go with them somewhere, meet them in a busy bar? To not even have a name for the anxiety that eats you alive when you do something as simple as go out to a new restaurant to eat?”

    YES. YES. YES. I do know and man, it sucks.

    I’m so happy for you that stability is edging itself into your existence. Kinda sneaks in – that was the case for me, at any rate. And as far as worrying… well, worrying won’t make the lithium work or not work, so why bother? If it happens, you’ll deal with it. For now, breathe and love the fact it is working – you DESERVE that much.

    Have fun!

  13. Hannah December 4, 2007 at 1:13 pm #

    This made me happy, too. It’s so great to hear you pleased, and excited, and looking forward to something.

    You heading for Crystal Palace? Because if so, I want to work in your office. Between the awesome socks and the kick-ass party idea, it sounds much more interesting than my job.

  14. Bon December 4, 2007 at 2:43 pm #

    good is good.

    and i second Hannah’s desire to work in your office. just for the Palais Crystal office party. seriously?

    cheesy, but way fun.

  15. krista December 4, 2007 at 8:32 pm #

    It’s awesome to hear of your freedom from the holds of anxiety and stuff. But “what if the lithium stops working?” What a question. I hope for you that it works for as long as you take it- I hope for you that if it ever does stop working, you will have personal medicine that gets you through the really tough times.

    Also, you might want to consider that you are probably doing things that help your medication do it’s job- Personal things, and things that help you stay well and you will always have access to those things, within yourself.

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