Tis a bad weekend.
Ok, not everything was. We had some good times.
But I’m cycling. I am cycling faster than I have before, and it’s causing the usual drama, with the addition of vast rage and holes in the wall.
And I’m tired of all of this. I can’t live like this forever. I can’t keep hoping drugs will work when they don’t. The trileptal is now doing, well, pretty much nothing.
Having your husband say “We’re going to lose you sometime, aren’t we?” is pretty fucking heart rending, made all the worse because I know it’s true.
I know I will take my own life-maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it hangs over me like a ghost, a gentle reminder in my ears. I’ve been reaching out to old friends to say I’m sorry for past mistakes, and I can’t help but feel that on some level, I’m trying to tie up loose ends and make things right.
The worst part is that I don’t even feel badly about it. I feel numb. I don’t much care at this point-I try to stay upbeat and happy, but that ends up bleeding into mania which then just angers the people around me. I can’t win when I’m like this-everything I do is wrong.
I’m tired.
i read this four or five times and i still don’t know what to say – everything sounds trite when i want it to matter. so in the absence of that, i will continue to listen.
Are you seeing a regular GP or a psychiatrist?
Get thee to a hospital now and sign into their psych program. They will monitor and get you straightened out. Don’t let a GP treat you like a fucking guinea pig.
Do you really want your children to be motherless?
What are you doing still reading? Take sick leave from your job, they’ll understand, and if they don’t the government will. I’m fucking serious. GO.
I wish it was that easy Jen. It’s not.
We have no help here. My husband has a job. We NEED my job, and while yes, I can go on leave, I’ve seen what this place has done to other people when they take a leave. We can’t risk losing my income for something that they really won’t be compassionate towards. I’m sure if I had cancer, everyone would trip over themselves to help me.
My GP doesn’t know a damn thing. That’s the problem. And I’m terrified about being committed. TERRIFIED.
Go to a Dr. Please. My mother committed suicide, and there is too much that goes along with that. Ask yourself whether your little ones will be able to live with themselves if you do “leave”. I was 22 and knew better, and I STILL blame myself. 8 years later and I’m still asking myself what I did wrong… why wasn’t I good enough… why wasn’t my love enough. Please… go get your meds straightened out.
You need to go. Use all the excuses you want in the world, but you yourself know what is happening and you know you need help. In the grand scheme of things, a job is replaceable. You, however, are not.
You should know better than to see a GP for shit like this. Psychiatrists are trained to deal with cases like yours, GP’s are not. Psychiatrists see people like you ten times a day and have probaly dealt with someone JUST like you and knows exactly what YOU need. GP’s DO NOT.
And……It IS that easy. Don’t give me that crap, you know what you need to do. Would you rather sentence your precious babies (yes, I’m attempting to manipulate you in the basest of ways) to being motherless as well? I know that you don’t care about that right now, that you cannot see beyond your psychosis, that is the nature of the beast, but you’ve GOT to be proactive before you become a statistic.
If they fire you for taking leave so you don’t kill yourself, I’m sure you’d have NO problem contacting local news stations and ensure that the company gets a bad rap.
http://www.cpsnb.org/webdata/form.cgi?telephone=&specialty=Psy&lang=en®ion=1&first%20name=&last%20name=&license=&sort=&city=&postal_code=&fax=&address=&metro=&limit=
There is a list of 20. Call one.
Now.
Love,
me.
“I’ve seen what this place has done to other people when they take a leave”
I hear that.
But still. You gotta take care of yourself too. A job is just a job, sometimes. There ARE other jobs out there for S-M-R-T people like you.
The shrink I originally saw basically told me I wasn’t sick enough for her to continue seeing me.
My GP was all I was left with, or a therapist who can’t prescribe anything anyway. To get into the original shrink took over 6 months on a referral.
The issue is that right now, I remember all the stories I’ve heard from people with CRAZY mothers, and the ways that’s affected them, and I can’t help but wonder which is better.
As I thought. I need a referral.
Sometimes I REALLY hate our medical system.
If you are in crisis (which I think you know you are) they will get you in ASAP. Call your DR. Inform (notice I didn’t say ask?) him that you need to see a psychiatrist NOW. Not in 6 months. NOW. And, if he sits on his hands, call someone else. Call a help line. Call a hospital.
Or. Go to the hospital and inform them that you are suicidal and bi-polar and are not in control, and are afraid of what you might do.
They may admit you. But there is nothing to be scared about, I’m not sure why you’d feel like that. I had been threatened with admission myself when I was depressed and suicidal. Given that now I’d consider it a vacation I don’t feel scared about the possibility anymore.
Also, mental illness is a LEGITIMATE illness. If you had cancer you would treat it right? Cancer can kill you, so can mental illness. Its a fucking SICKNESS. Its not like you woke up one day and decided to go bi-polar for shits and giggles.
I used to work in the mental health field (I still kinda do) and know that when situations like yours come up, there are exceptions made. Otherwise there’d be a lot of dead sick people.
I’ve got to go out for a few hours so I’ll be back to counter any arguments you put forth when I get back.
Everyone else should feel free to pester her too.
Yes. I am a pain in the ass.
I can’t go. We’re alone here. ALONE. There is no one to help us. If I’m not home, Mogo can’t go to work. Period.
It’s not feasible for us. I wish it was.
And it can be a legit illness all it wants. People still think it’s a joke.
Good god woman, you’re scaring the crap out of me.
I worked a Suicide Prevention hotline for several years, and you’re broadcasting enough warning signs that we’d have made you a top priority. Which means not a hill of beans since all we could do was listen, try to refer, and if there was enough of a threat of immediate harm, attempt to trace the call and get emergency crews there. But I’m babbling.
Call your local church. I don’t care if you’ve never been and have no intention of ever going. Look for a hotline, they’ll have a list of resources in your area. Hell, make a plan. Any plan that is longer than a few days out.
Ok. You need your job. But how will you do your job, or any other job, if you step off the planet?
Keep hanging on. Grab for something, someone, anything. We love you.
I love Jennifer! She is absolutely right! PLEASE! Get yourself to the hospital. The ER. Even if you are hospitalized (committed is so old school!) mental health units are not like they used to be in One Flew Over the Cookoos Nest!
And listen to you – talking about how they need your help.. can’t do it alone… but they will be much more alone if you’re gone. Period. End of story. No work. No help. Nothing. Nada.
GO!!!
Now!
you need the help, friend. please go.
i know some people near Moncton who might be able to sit with the girls. not perfect, but dude…i’m willing to make the call. tell me where to send ‘em, and i’ll call.
if you hurt yourself, or kill yourself, Mogo will have to function without your job, without help. better the crisis now than then.
it sounds terrifying, the speed at which you’re cycling. like it’s hard to even stay within the same thought pattern long enough not to argue yourself out of going.
go to emergency. please. pull out all the stops. try. give yourself the chance.
Oh, sweetie, my comment was really going to be similar to Jennifer’s, but she’s already said it. I’ve been in inpatient care, and it’s not as scary as it sounds. I really didn’t need to be there long- but I let my Dad and the insurance companies string me along about not seeing a psychiatrist too, and I ended up pretty critical- and I was nowhere near as bad as you seem to be right now.
I’d love to read that you are going to the hospital, but it’s your choice to make. Think of this though: if you were in an auto accident and had head trauma you’d go to ER and have to miss work- Yes? Is this threat to your life any less serious and real? If it’s the same, then you go.
Treat this the same as you would a critical acute physical illness- it’s just as necessary that you get treated competently and immediately. Just because we can’t see you bleeding to death doesn’t mean we can’t feel with you the gravity of your illness right now.
Please post frequently and let us be here with you in this. We all adore you and need you here. The above comment is really true- Mogo deals alone now for a short time or he deals alone forever. No comparison there.
I love you. H
just checking back.
i read through your own comments on the post again, and i got to say…it sounds like you’ve been given the run-around before by the system and by people with stupid, ignorant attitudes, and not taken seriously. and i know that can cause a lot of damage just in itself. to risk asking for help, and be told your crisis isn’t serious enough, whatever it may be, is crushing, and makes it triply hard to risk that again. to not have people step up the way they do when it’s a “nice” clean case of cancer or car accident is heartbreaking, and it closets the issue.
and yep, some people will be that way. but not all. please try to find those that won’t. please take the risk.
and seriously, dude, i can drive to Moncton and stay with your kids for the night if need be. it’s not a long term solution, no, as i have to be at work at 9 am tomorrow…but i will come if you ask. okay?
just please. trust me. you’re worth the trip to the hospital.
Dude.
I just got off the phone with the NB mental health line and a psychiatric nurse. So there.
Go to your hospital, do not pass go. GO THERE. Now.
THAT is how you get the immediate attention of a psychiatrist. Given that you are the primary breadwinner and you don’t have friends or family nearby to take the girls, they should be able to adjust your meds and manage you asap.
You’re gonna fuck mogo and the girls over if you wait until you decide to do something shit stupid. OR until it gets bad enough that I or someone else you know calls the RCMP on your ass and get them to MAKE you get help. Don’t think I won’t do it. You may never speak to me again, but at least you’ll be alive.
The only reason I haven’t called your damn house is because you’re not listed dammit. DAMMIT.
I’m waiting on a call back from the Moncton Hospital (the english one) ER psych nurse to get some more information.
she went folks.
the girls won’t stop crying, but she went.
I’ll keep you posted, since I doubt she’ll have access to the internet while she’s there.
I can’t even tell you how glad I am right now. Not glad that the girls are crying of course, but very very happy she is taking the bull by the horns.
Mogo- get in touch with a social worker (they will probably assign one at the hospital) and see about respite care for the girls so *maybe* you’ll be able to still work, I’m not in on all the ins and outs down there, but don’t be afraid to ask for assistance (money and childcare help). In the military we have emergency childcare when we need it for cases like this, there has to be SOMETHING similar.
Ok. Now I can breathe easier.
well I have two weeks vacation coming up and under the circumstance, I don’t think work will chew my balls off for taking two days off this coming weekend. at least this was well “timed” as far as that goes…
Oh thank goodness. I just saw this about an hour ago and just came back to comment and for an update. Jennifer, I hope that if I’m ever in a really rough patch, I have a friend like you at my side.
Mogo, thank you for the update. Good luck.
i’m glad she went. i hope they treat her respectfully and kindly and thoroughly, and she can eventually find her way through to living with this in a way that makes sense for all of you.
Mogo, tell her we’re out here thinking of her…and you too. thanks.
and i hope the girls take it easy on you.
Will keep watching to hear back. Keep us posted, Mogo. Bless you & the girls. They’ll be OK; certainly this was necessary. Love to you all.
Thank god she went. Thank god you went. Now I don’t have to nag.
I’d like to hear what the fear is about being committed. Is it the facility itself? The unknown of what will happen there? Of leaving the girls?
No amount of money you can bring in is greater than what you’re giving your family by taking this step. What I wouldn’t have given for Flora to have made the acknowledgment that it was more than she could handle alone. Remember that even when you’re alone (physically, mentally, however), we’re like those crowds in the Sprint Network commercials
praying for you and your family. keeping you in my thoughts.
I hope she finally gets the help she needs, for the sake of all of you. I’m glad to hear she went.
You guys are amazing.
Mogo, good luck. If you need any of us, we’re here for you, obviously.
And Thordora, I really hope you get the help you need. Don’t take no for an answer. It’s the fucking loud and obnoxious assholes who get what they want. Start there and don’t shut up until you feel a little closer to normal.
I’m not as hip to posting on the internet as frequently as these folks but you can bet your ass that I’m going to be following you like a cop from now on.
Stay with us, please.
oh, thank god. sister. thank god.
Dammit. I missed all this, stuck in the hospital.
Thordora, it’s late and I’ve left the baby with the nurse I plan on kidnapping when we leave.. errr.. so I must be quick. I second everything everyone said. You’re a fantastic spirit and.. shit, trite. Don’t fuck with yourself. Shit, trite. Screw work. Shit, easier said than done. But do it anyway. Compared to the health of YOU, a job and a couple months of income and childcare difficulties is merely episodic. I know that may sound easy for me to say from a distance, but in the grand scheme of life, it’s true.
Mogo, both of you, hang in there. Stamp your feet and make noise and talk to as many people as you can to line up whatever help and resources you all need. Love, love to you all. I’m thinking of you tonight.
Mogo, Good luck with the girls and Jen, Bon etc. thank you so, so much for your responses. Yall emm effers rock it like you own it.
And Thor, when you read this, please know you and your precious family are in my thoughts. Hang in there, all of you.
I’ve been gone much of the day and then didn’t get online until late.
I would have said what everyone else did.
Thordora, you know how much I love you. Please do whatever you need to do to get well.
I’ll be checking back often.
Ann
damn, my internet is down for a day and just at that time the world starts falling apart.
reading this post and all the comments i feel that it probably was the best thing possible to go to hospital, though i can well imagine why you’re scared of being admitted, at least if that system works similarly to ours. i do hope you get some serious help there. this couldn’t have gone on forever.
thinking of you lots and checking back here for news. mogo, i hope you can make the kids relax about it a little. i hope you’ll be allright with work and the girls on your hands. that holiday certainly comes in handy. good luck for all of you.
dear God, there is nthing to say but I won’t say nothing.
Thoradora, you inspire and teach so many.
I’m so sorry you have to live with f*ing bipolar disorder. May God send you a Doc who cares.
I’m thinking about you all and praying for you. I wish there was more I could do to help. Thor (and Mogo) I’m hoping that right now you’re getting the help and support that you need, and that a year from now you’ll be able to look back and say “hey, we survived that”.
Thinking of you, thinking of you…
I’ll be checking back soon.
Best wishes, Thor For you and your family. I have no words. You have always been brave in my eyes So be brave for your girls they need you.
Love and prayers to you, Thor.
I’m just… wow.
I’m so glad she went. Lots of love to the whole family.
i hear you
because you echo inside my own head.
ive been there too, too many times, bipolar sucks, even worse than normies can imagine
i’m glad you’ve got help, when you come back, if you want, id love to share experiences,
im proud of you
Geez, get caught up in my own life and miss a few days of reading… and look what I find. Good for you Thor. You are doing what’s best even if it’s scarey as hell. THat’s true courage.
Mogo. Hang in there and yell as much as you have to to get some help. I wish I was closer, a couple extra girls in this house wouldn’t make much difference and we would gladly lend a hand