Somedays, I can’t either.
Somedays, the crushing weight of my being a mother sits on me like sleep paralysis, waiting for me to move, almost daring me to. It wags it’s finger in my face, telling me I’m a bad mother, an ungrateful mother, because I cannot keep up with my own children sometimes, because I pretend when my husband and I are out alone that we ARE alone, that no one waits for us at home, ready to cover us in wet kisses and sticky fingers.
It’s the responsibility that gets to me-the knowledge that forever, I am connected to these creatures-I can never leave them, not truly. They will always be a part of me. Their toes will forever be the toes that kicked me in the ribs.
But somedays it’s the drudgery, it’s getting up and feeding them, convincing clothes onto them, sitting with them, then working all day, arriving home in time to listen to them scream about not wanting to go to bed. Those days get to me. Those days test me, because they test my love for them, they test the bounds of my patience and temper. On those days, the bad mommy sometimes gets to come out and play for a bit.
I have been tempted in the past, to throw up my hands, and walk away from it. From all of it. Times when it’s gotten so hard, too hard, worse than I ever imagined, I wanted to walk down the road, climb up onto the highway, and begone. Never to be seen again. I thought it, many times.
But in my eyes, in my heart, I couldn’t do it, I never would. I could never walk out that door and not come back. Because being a mother isnot just a test-it’s a battle. Sometimes it’s lovely and gentle, other days, it’s bloody and loud and frightful. Somedays I don’t like it at all.
But somedays are so fragile and simple, I want to place them under glass so they never disappear. I draw on those days, to get me through the wrong ones.
The only message I have for you is incredibly, profoundly buried in the depths of the following one-word response: ditto.
Thordora, u are not alone. I am a widowed mother , hubby died 2years 5 months ago, I knew when he closed his eyes , my hell began. I have 3 kids 2 boys aged 19 * 17 and a girl aged 12. Being a single parent sucks. I so hate being a parents. I’ve never cried this much , ever. i’ve sacrificed 20 years of my life for their father and i’m still sacrificing my life now with them. I can’t have a relationship beacause they dont want me too. i use to be a strong women, my children stripped me of that. i use to be loving my children stripped me of that My daughter may be 12 but boy oh boy she knows how to manipulate any situation. To those parents / mothers who are judgemental towards women like me and u I say “WALK A DAY IN MY/OUR SHOES” no journeys are the same . but each journey has its fill of love and pain, some more pain than love.
I felt so incredibly sad when I noticed that someone had searched for this-I wondered who she was, where she was, what we could do.
And I hope she searches again so she can see that she isn’t alone.
I wish I had the courage to put it out there like you, Thor. Because its’ ditto for me, too.
Oooo, can I add a ditto?
I felt that way, maybe still do. It started when Jackson was two and I couldn’t get far enough away from him……..I couldn’t escape the responsibility physically, mentally, emotionally….no way. Maybe it’s like a leather glove bought a size too small. It stretches to fit eventually.
The drudgery. Too right. Sometimes the extreme difference between the minute by minute reality and the intellectual / emotional realities are alarming in their difference.
So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! I always try to convince the kids into the clothes. I’ve had it backwards all along.
I do really like your way with words, Thor. As always.
[...] it’s hard to be a mother. Thordora’s post ‘I can’t handle being a mother anymore‘ is powerfully honest, thanks for [...]
Congratulations. This post has been nominated for a Hot Stuff Award at GNMParents.
Voting closes Friday.
Good Luck
Me too. I only recently imagined myself walking away, never coming back. Leaving to find who I once was, or who I could have been. Then the same overwhelming love flooded my soul. I would throw myself in front of a train for my boys.
Moi aussi. Thanks for saying it out loud.
I feel you, I sincerely, deeply feel you. Doing laundry every day (Every Day!), washing dishes, taking out the garbage (bins to the curb every Thursday night), etc… It is drudgery indeed. And the vigilance required to monitor children, to act as their 24/7/365 bodyguard and physician is weighty and tiresome, no question.
But, as The Good Lord as my witness, it gets easier. The kids become more competent, more easy-going, stronger… They grow up and become assistants to the very person whose job it is to look out for them. Hang in there.
[...] first place we have a tie between Hard to be a Mother and Toys Not Worth the Money. In typical Hot Stuff fashion we must find ourselves a [...]
Thank God I am not alone. I googled these exact words! I dont want to wish my life away (or theirs), but holy crap I wish they would grow up and take their ungratefull, messy crap elsewherE!
Edwina, you’ll find you’re very much not alone with this. Just yesterday I wanted to run away. Being a mother sucks somedays. :p
Feel free to stay and look around.
Yup — I hear this. I love my boys but I don’t even feel like the same person I used to be. And I liked that person. I don’t like this mom-person I’ve become. She’s bossy and stressed and forgets to smile most days. Boy, do I hear this.
K
Somedays I don’t like that me I became either, but other days-I love her.
Somedays are better than others.. (and we aren’t alone-someone comes here via this search almost daily)
[...] handle being a mother redux 30 04 2007 I’ve been noticing how much reaction this post gets. I have hits for it [...]
Motherhood is not a simple, but unqiue time in life. It changes so many things and the way how you see the world. It is interesting to participate in the experiences of other women.
Cheers
Lisa
i made it thru the younger years, and although she never slept when she was young, i dealt with it… but now my daughter is 15 and she is filled with anxiety.. as am i. i just want to walk away, yet i love her so much. i am just so tired.
i thank you for your post. it is nice to know that i am not the only one out there that feels this awful feeling.
Depression has been part of my life, but lately the realization came to me I ‘don’t like being a mom’…so I Googled the phrase …and promptly burst into tears on finding these posts.
“I don’t like this mom-person I’ve become. She’s bossy and stressed and forgets to smile most days”
Exactly – I am TWO people. There’s ‘ME-me’ which I rarely get to be, and who gets described as fun, witty and warm-hearted by people who only see this side. And I’m a single mom, who my kids tell me is mean and bossy. My kids are 4 and 6 and their dad left 4 years ago.
All I ever do is get cross and get stressed. They are seeing it, which is bad. I realise how little I actually smile during a ‘mom-day’ and yet when I am ‘me’ I am soooooo different.
Some people might think, what a horrible person this woman is – but I LOVE MY KIDS, I just don’t like the person I am as a Mom.
My 1st priority is to my kids…but what damage am I doing to them, to their personalities and childhood experience, if all they have as a mom is a grumpy old troll?
I too, googled and found these replies. I feel what each of you are saying…totally. I stay at home with my kids and I take it day by day, try to be nice when I’m flustered, sit down with them (ages1&2)when I feel overwhelmed. I think sometimes we just need to take time out to re-prioritize, and re-focus on the light at the end of the tunnel (they grow fast). I tell myself that one day I’ll wish they were still my little babies and that gives me the courage love sacrificially. Don’t forget to take time for YOU!
Sarah-I could never stay at home-I couldn’t handle it. Anyone who does has my admiration. I can’t handle motherhood working fulltime…I couldn’t do it at home…
Oh wow.. Thank You.. Its nice to know that someone else feels the same way I do.
ME. TO.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
TOO? lol
I just hope you don’t take this feeling with you when your kids get older. You will make them feel like a burden when in fact you should think of them as a blessing. I’m not meaning to sound religious in anyway. But think of it this way. Other people can never have children. You can, and you should be happy. I know my mother made me feel terrible when I was a teenager, because she had the same feelings you are having now. So by the time I reached high school it became painfully obvious that I was more of a nuisance than anything else. I understand it’s tiring to be a parent. The screaming, the clean up, the constant commute in the car. But you and your husband decided to have children, (I assume, if not you should have used a condom) you should have realized that half your life was no longer going to be your own. The other half would have to be patient and wait for quiet adult moments to come around when was most possible. I have experienced first hand, and witnessed with my friends, what it does to people when their parents are “tired of being a parent”. You feel unwanted and angry, because it’s not your fault but they seem to act as though it is. Try seeing the little joys, like their innocent banter when they play, or the stories they come up with when they are trying to impress you. And when they get older and start to form opinions of their own, don’t just ignore them because you are tired, try and respond positively. I have seen too many parents treat their children as though they are resilient to almost anything. Yes children are resilient, but now with constant feelings of annoyance or being unwanted. nausance than anything else. I understand it’s tiring to be a parent. The screaming, the clean up, the constant comute in the car. But you and your husband decided to have children, (I assume, if not you should have used a condom)you should have realized that half your life was no longer going to be your own. The other half would have to be patient and wait for quiet adult moments to come. I have experienced first hand and witnessed as well what it does to people when their parents are
I found your post interesting. I can both completely agree with you and vehemently disagree. I am a mother of 2 children who are now both in Elementary school. I have been a midwife, family/ parenting educator and preschool teacher through out my life….and I have to say that I too have had feelings of almost wanting to walk away. Somedays not wanting all the physical demands, the constant need for reassurance, affection, food ALL DAY and the frustration at the constant picky-ness. Somedays I just want to be left alone…or I fantasize for just a moment that I am not who i have become, that I am free, away…
But I know myself to be a good hard-working mother most of the time.
You say you have never felt those things that the author shares, guess what? I dont think you are telling the truth. Enjoying “motherhood” means something different to everyone and the sheer energy that is involved can be awe-inspiring, awesome and at times awful.
Dear Jenny,
Did you read the rest of Thordora’s blog? I already know you didn’t. If you had, you would have realized how much she loves her little girls. Having had PPD and being realistic about the fact that sometimes parenting isn’t all sunshine and puppies is not the same as treating her children as burdens. Read a little more before you go off judging my friends okay? Thanks.
Awww Marcy, you go girl!
Jenny, you do bring up a good point though. I am ALWAYS aware of the fact that I do NOT want them to feel like a burden. I didn’t plan them, but that doesn’t make them less wanted.
The fact of the matter is that
a: I also deal with bipolar disorder on a regular basis, which makes regular “life” difficult
b: you have no idea how many women feel the same way.
I feel the same way about my job somedays. This post is more the frustration of dealing with what really IS drudgery somedays-attempting to make women feel like every day should have puppies and rainbows coming out of it’s ass is revolting to me. Motherhood is HARD. I have incredible children, but find me ONE parent who doesn’t, at some point, want to throttle their kids.
It’s called honesty Jenny. I have friends who can’t have children, and I don’t get it either. But I’m never going to be anything less than honest with my daughters, because I love them.
And please-read more here on the site. The context will make more sense. And I get hits for this title every single day, and I can’t imagine that every single one of those parents had their children accidentally like we did.
Jenny says “you should be happy”
errrr yeah we KNOW!!!!
We DO NOT WANT to feel this way! For many of us it seems the rose tinted glasses are knocked off with a thump!
THANK YOU JOANNE!
We know we should be happy-we try to be, and most days we are.
But not everyday is, or should be bliss.
…and, it’s not so much ‘don’t like being a MOM’ because of your kids and seeing them as a burden…
for me it’s more, ‘I don’t like being the person I’ve become since being a mom’ – grumpy and stressed out!
80-20 rule: I’m 80% mom and 20% me. I want that more balanced so that I can be a HAPPY mom. It’s not about having adult time, it’s about just having ME back and being able to enjoy my kids, not just be stressed out all the time!
im actually crying at how many people feel the same, i still cant shake the feeling but i know as much as i want to run away from my boyfriend and our toddler they both would stil be there in my head i hate the person iv become and im full of regret for never finding out the person i could of been but this is the life fate has dealt me and i have to grow up and realise this is it!
Gaynor
It’s not the hand fate has dealt-it’s the one you’ve arrived at.
I truly believe that it IS best for the child if a parent who TRULY doesn’t want to be there isn’t. If I ever got to that place, I’d be gone in a heartbeat.
There is still time to be the person you could be-I surprised myself by figuring out that THIS is the person I could be-the one I never anticipated.
There is an element of surrender in mothering-learning to let go of the “coulda’s”, learning to wait a little longer, or fight a little harder for what you want or need. We grow up to become strong women, and find it almost impossible sometimes to subsume ourselves into our families as we need to do from time to time. And we watch men not have to. Or they do, and we have to juggle the guilt from all the other women over not being “womanly” enough.
It’s not just growing up-it’s growing brave-it’s accepting that life is what YOU make of it-you can enjoy your child, and this place in your life, or you can create a new one. It’s in your hands, even on the rotten days when everyone has crapped on your kitchen floor and you cannot handle one more minute.
You’re human gaynor. let yourself be.
I used to feel and say the same things Jenny did – before I became a mom. I was quick to judge because I had been babysitting since I was 7, and I knew what it was like to deal with the stress of responsibility. HA! It’s easy to judge when you can walk away from that responsibility and go about your life. It’s easy to tell someone how they should feel when you yourself have never been through such an experience.
My parents still make me feel like I was a burden and I’m a parent too! I feel so guilty for waking up every morning hoping I’m single and free of motherhood. I always took for granted working hard to support myself and wanting the family life. Now I have it and am realizing responsibility is exhausting. I can handle hating my job, or my boyfriend, car payments, leaky faucet, dog crapping in the house, etc. Knowing that there is someone always dependent on you emotionally, physically, mentally, financially is not only exhausting but terrifying. Holding someone else’s life in your hands is nothing you could ever prepare yourself for. Even if you’ve married the love of your life, have tons of money, beautiful house, loving friends. You can portray the perfect fantasy and still have a dark cloud looming over you.
Everyday I feel the urge to walk away, no run away. THen the guilt pours in and knowing how much I love my child I wonder if I ever could. Even though I know mentally, emotionally and physically I would be better off without the title of “MOM”. The anxiety and guilt and comes with motherhood is overwhelming at times. Why don’t they teach that in life skills? and why dont they tell you the “joys of motherhood” are few and far in between the “when did my life get taken away” moments?
and to agree with all of you — I hate the person I am as a mother. I want to be ME again. I want MY life back.
Oh and by the way, parents that do plan to have kids still go through the same anxiety and stress. Because they all felt the same way you did before having kids. You think you know, but not even DR. Phil could explain to someone how they might feel after becoming a parent. Before becoming a parent your filled with wonder and the ‘what ifs”. You dont know so you cant feel it. Do you really think if anyone knew what it’s really like to be a parent that anyone would still be reproducing? Think of it like this: you can be told time and time again how horrible and how painful child birth is. You try to imagine the pain as explained by “horrible menstrual cramps” or “imagine someone squeezing the the hell out of your uterus”. You cringe at the thought but still cant physically feel it so its JUST a thought. You cant actually understand something unless you go through it yourself. It’s easy to empathize and make judgements because we watch families in public all the time walking around happy and joyful. They seem happy and you picture what you’re family will be like one day. The truth can be ugly and painful.
If i could give anyone advice it would be to live your own life as long as you can. Find out who you are and be at piece with yourself. Becasue as soon as that little person becomes a part of you, your life is in the backseat. Hmmm …. maybe the trunk. No it was definately left on the side of the road.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but you only have one life. Be sure you’ve lived it before you’re willing to give it up.
How ironic that I found this today written by DR. PHIL. What’s the phrase, “easier said than done?”
Getting Moms to Embrace Motherhood
How could someone have a child and regret it? Usually it is the result of the fantasy of parenthood being replaced by the reality. To most women who have never cared for a child, motherhood is a BIG surprise. A mother is not going to like the reality until she gives up the fantasy. Here are some things to consider:
Your happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with having kids or not. Take your children out of the picture and what do you have?
You probably didn’t feel much different in life before they got here, and now you are blaming them because they are handy. Don’t hold them captive.
If you don’t have what you want in this life, make a responsible plan to go get it. Go for what you want while doing the things you need to do as a parent.
You are not a victim. You made the choice to have kids, now make the choice about what kind of mom you want to be. You are a pivotal person in your child’s life. Grow up and take responsibility for that.
When you blame your kids, you leave them confused about who they are and where they fit in. If kids get a vague message about how you feel, they will always fill in the gap to their detriment.
Regret is inward anger blamed on someone else. If you are going to be angry, then be angry with someone who has some relevant accountability. Redirect your anger away from the children.
Sometimes you make the right decision; sometimes you make the decision right. The kids are here, they are precious, figure out how to enjoy them.
Take care of yourself. If you are emotionally bankrupt and strung out, you have nothing to give. When you’ve run out of coping skills ask for help. Ask your spouse, friend or family to intervene and help decompress the situation.
There is a saying: “What I fear I create.” Your kids will mirror you. As you get happy, calm, peaceful and proud, so too will they.
Maggie, thank you for contributing to this conversation that never seems to stop.
I just spent an entire hour at the store buying school supplies with my 5 year old and 7 year old. The entire time we were at the store, the 7 year old was begging for me to buy him toys. Non-stop. What the hell do I do with that?!? By the time we pulled into the drive-way, I was a wreck. I made them go in the house while I sat in the driveway for 10 minutes crying my eyes out (and I’m on Zoloft). After dragging 10 bags in the house, my daughter was yelling for me. She was on the toilet having diarrhea and it was all over her, her clothes, my bathroom rug, and the toilet. Back to my son, I need to tell you that this begging (for Pokemon cards) has been going on for 2 days with him. All punishments have failed. I’m just exhausted by him! Today was the last straw. I had to “google” “I hate being a mother” and am so glad I’m not alone. Yes, I love my children. Yes, they were totally planned. I am a stay-at-home mother and sometimes think I should not be. And no, no one can prepare you for all this. I just hope it gets easier some day.
Gotta go. My daughter just flooded the bathroom.
Oh angie! That’s horrible. I’m sure when they are safely out of the house it will be an amusing story, but right now? I’d be willing to sell them if I was you.
As I tell many of the women who google and end up here. You are NOT alone. It’s a hard job, being a mother (or a father). it’s ok to hate your job once in awhile.
I am feeling relieved that I am not alone! I feel like such a horrible mother for not wanting to be one anymore sometimes.
I hope I will not be bashed for entering this discussion, however my wife is in the same exact boat. My heart breaks for her because she cannot cope with being a mother anymore. Our marriage is on the rocks because of it. She is a stay at home mom (full-time) and I work full-time. I do the best I can to give her a break, by cleaning up around the house (cooking,cleaning,laundry) and taking the kids to the park or just out back on the swingset. As a husband, father and a man, I am trying to the best I can. My Daughter just started Kindergarten (3hrs a day) and we are enrolling my son into daycare a couple days during the week. Im trying to put myself in her shoes and understand more of what she is feeling, so I can help her. It kills me when I am at work and she texts be messages how she can’t cope anymore and she hates being a mother. Again sooo sorry for hitting this forum, but I’m lost and wanted to see what other people think anda re saying.
[...] “not wanting to be a mom anymore” September 13, 2007 Posted by thordora in Search-a-rama, mothering. trackback Johnny has a question, on this comment. [...]
Thor, u made me feel better about myself! I am 23 years old with two kids, that i stay AT HOME with, all of my friends are single girls that are graduating and getting these marvolous careers and they wonder WHY I GET SO STRESSED! how lucky i am that i dont have to WORRY ABOUT GETTING UP IN THE MORNING AND GETTING DRESSED! that i can LAY AROUND IN MY PJS ALL DAY! do u know how great it would be for me to be able to HAVE the energy to get up and put makeup on! to get out of my pjs….i hate this OVERWELMING FEELING…i dont know if i am suppose to go to my doctor and get him to put me on meds and be doped up all day, or do i just stay this frustrated nervous wreck? i need some advise? i have NO ONE TO TALK TO that understands at ALL!
Kristin _ september 19,2007
Man can I relate especially to the bad mommy thing where i’m 80% mom and 20% me. Not to mention I almost always feel like the bad mommy, I’m always yelling screaming and threating my kids I almost never smile anymore and when i do it’s almost like it’s forced.Don’t get me wrong I LOVE MY KIDS TO DEATH but nobody told me how hard it would be I should give my mom hell!! Somedays i almost feel like i could have another one because my kids have been so sweet but then i have those days were i feel like shooting myself and on those days i realize there is no way i could ever have another one. I’d like to hold onto the 20% that i still have of me. I hope that it gets easier.. Please tell me it does!!
kristin _ september 19th 2007
I almost forgot to mention the fact that I have an amazing husband who is always there when i need a break from the kids. On every saterday i get to make plans with friends or family to basically get out of the house and get a break from the kids. Without him i surely would of gone insane by now!! So I’d like to give a shout out to all the husbands who understand what their wives are going through , and are there for them
Well, I googled: “i can’t handle going to school and being a mom”–and here I am. After reading this blog from top to bottom, I’m a bit relieved to find that there are others that feel this way, but I’m a little sad too. I guess I was hoping to find some magical answer, some remedy online to fix this. I’m a mother of 2 (ages 10 and 5). I turned 30 last month–and transferred to the university of my choice this month. I applied to this school with the knowledge that my chances were slim to none–but what do I do now? My workload is impossible and I don’t want to drop out. I’m already “old” according to some of my classmates. Before this, I was juggling full-time status at a community college with motherhood and it was beyond stressful. I can’t help but wish that I could leave my kids with a relative for these two years and finally do something for myself. Since becoming a mother, I’ve disappeared completely. And now that I have a chance to reclaim a small piece of my identity, I’m realizing that I won’t be able to after all. I know I’m beyond the entire college experience, but I can’t even complete my assignments. They are constantly calling my name, asking for things, fighting, and complaining. I don’t really know what to do but I am so grateful for this posting, I was really sad today.
Zoiie. I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t handle working and going to school-I doubt I could do it now. Can you reduce your course load, do the schooling over a few years?
If it is your dream-do it. You need to have your own, not just those of your children.
You can see many, MANY women feel as you do. You aren’t alone.
Kristin-it gets easier. I think.
Kristin_september20 2007
This week has been very stressful for me, I just feel like I have no patience at all. I really don’t want my kids growing up with the only memories of mommy are of me screaming and yelling,which is what I seem to be doing all the time. Sometimes I just find myself crying all of a sudden and I’m not really sure if it’s because I’m always sceaming at my kids,and I feel like the worst mother in the world or if it’s because I’m just at my wits end!! I suppose it could a bit of both. Do any of you women every see or even know any mother’s who just always have a smile on their faces, always seem like they have it so well together and basically seem like they never yell at their kids? Well i have and I find myself wishing I was more like them, even though deep down inside I know their lives can’t be all peaches and cream but they always seem to be happy I wish I felt that way or could at least act like I am but I am who I am. I know I’m a good mother I just wish I was perfect and cheery all the time,even though I know that is unrealistic.I think we all want to be that perfect super mom, I know I do and alot of the time I can be but sometimes i just want to lock myself in the bedroom and cry forever.I just hope that all my yelling doesn’t affect my kids because that would kill me! Anyways thank you for letting me vent today it feels good, I love my girls and all I want is the best for them and sometimes I don’t think that I am what’s best for them. How sad is that?!
Kristen, Believe me I UNDERSTAND….since the day my first was born ALL i have wanted was, what was best for him…his dad lives 4 hours away and there are def. times that i feel like he would be best….but then i have to think to myself…being a MOM to him is the best thing for him, i would DIE if he was at his dads ALL the time… 1 week a month drives me nuts enough…its like the day he leaves i get this feeling of relief then about 35min later I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY!!! my husband (who i have a second child with) told me the other day… when i asked him if he thought i was a bad housewife bc i NEVER seem to get the LAUNDRY, COOKING, CLEANING, and KIDS done all in one day….he told me i wasnt a bad housewife i was just a GOOD MOM! that made me feel wonderful, bc he knows that i spend all my time and patience on my 3 year old and 6month old….so i too want to give PROPS to the good husbands and dads out there…but i have to say from my OWN experience, it doesnt matter how good HEis…. u will STILL have days u want to WALK AWAY… at least I DO!!!
KRISTIN
I feel you Rachel, Whenever my mom takes the kids for the night so that my husband and I can have a night out ALONE… I feel such a sense of weight lifted off my chest and I’m excited that I don’t have to deal with the fighting or the feedings or even the bedtime routine, but not long afterwards I start to miss them like crazy!!It’s crazy I know but even though we want to get away from our kids soo badly sometimes we can’t help but mis them and all the silly and annoying things that they do.I can’t imagine not being with my kids for a whole week! Even thoughthe thought does sound appealing it would be difficult for me that’s for sure! It’s funny how we want one thing sooooo badly and then when we get it were somewhat disappointed if you know what I mean. I know when I was pregnant with my first I couldn’t wait for her to out of me.. I had a horrible pregnancy and I found myself hating her because she was causing all these unwanted things to my body but when she was finally out I hated it I wanted her back in my belly. I guess because for 9 months it was just her and me and now I had to share her with the rest of the world I missed her kicking me in the ribs and hiccupping and keeping me awake till all hours of the morning!Now all I wanted was to have her back inside of me!So I guess the moral of the story is is that no matter how much our kids may get to us and somedays just want to run away from it all we really deep down inside enjoy the torture!!I LOVE MY GIRLS!!
EXACTLY….it is like my husband says, I AM NEVER SATISFIED..haha! i want them here, but at the same time i want to TAKE A BREATH! i think it would be awesome if EVERY HOME had TWO MOMS and ONE DAD….then we would have someone to help! but it isnt that way so we just thank god that are children arent SICK or DIEING and enjoy them being little….of course i am writing this after my son has been at his dads for right under 24 hours…..
Hey ladies,My husband and I have been playing around with the idea of having a third child. This both excites me and horrifies me at the same time. I’m a stay at home mom and am struggling with my emotions on a day to day basis. My day’s are filled with tons of house work constant fighting constant yelling and some day’s it’s all I can do to get through the day! So am I crazy for wanting another?I keep wavering back and forth some days I feel like no problem I can do and but then I have those day’s where I question my sanity. But the thought of having another baby does still appeal to me but I’m freaking scared to death! Right now I have two healthy girls ages 5 and 3.. I’m afraid of pushing fate so to speak like stop while I’m ahead. What if I have a baby with some kind of disability? I know I would not be able to handle that!!! My life is crazy enough the way it is. I would really just like to know if any of you have more than 2 kids and if so give me some advise. Is it really that much more difficult? I am 39 so I don’t have much time left so if I’m going to do this it needs to be pretty soon so if anyone has any advise please I’d love to hear from you.God I must be crazy!!
It’s been very lonely here no one is coming to visit anymore. What’s going on ladies i need to talk so someone please talk to me. I’m bored and need some ADULT conversation!! Anybody out there?
I think it would be great if u have a third child, it might help ME want one! haha! if u are like me then “u will never be financially stable for a child” and at the same time “u will never be EMOTIONALLY stable enough for a child” they are HARD WORK, but if u go in with an open mind… U CAN DO IT!
i agree … where is EVERYBODY???
My son came back from his dads Sunday, and i have to say, the past two days have NOT SEEMED BAD AT ALL!!! i am so enjoying having my babies and doing things with the TWO of them! i dont know how hard the going from one to two thing is or how long the overwhelming feeling lasts, but i seem to be getting better at it….i hope it continues to get better!!!
I just searched for “being a mother” and found this post. Thanks! (I’m a father-to-be researching what it will be like for my wife to be a mother and how best to support her.)
I know that I am not the only person who hates being a mom. The problem really goes beyond that for me though. I dislike spending time with my kids. I will almost always say “no” if one of my kids asks to play with me. I just do not feel it. I know that I have a heavy load right now. My husband does not live with us at the moment and I do work part time plus the three kids. If I did not work though, I think I would go off the deep end. The kids just do not bring me joy. I know, how sad to say that, I am only being honest. I would never let anything happen to them or hurt them. I never even wanted kids, was never even on my mind. The girls (7 and 6) are constently arguing and my 12 yr old son thinks he can run the house. Not to mention the fact that no one listens to me. Even when my husband is visiting, he ignores me and my rules with the kids and does what he wants. It is very hard to stick around when you are expected to run the show for 6 months at a time but then be pushed aside the minute another adult shows up. The kids even know that when dad is home, mom has no say. but now, it is that way when he is gone. They know they do not have to listen to me. Which makes my feelings about not wanting to be a mom anymore even stronger. Boy, i am screwed up.
Jennifer
Jennifer when I read your post I felt sad for you ,cause while kids can be tough to take even on the best of days,they should at least bring you some joy!I can only imagine what it must be like to take care of 3 kids on your own, without any help from someone else. I have 2 girls two and a half and five years old,but I also have a great husband who is there for me supporting me and totally gets how hard being a mother is especially a stay at home one. But there is one thing that we are both united in and that is the discipline and punishment of the kids,without us being on the same page surely our kids would run ramped!! So in your case I think it would be very important for you and your husband to sit down and have a heart to heart about the whole discipline thing.You guys have to come to some kind of a common ground and you both need to be strong for your kids and if your kids don’t have any respect for you or your rules now, then I would worry what it will be like in a few years!!Kids want discipline and structure and it’s up to us as parents to give it to them as tough as it may be for us and I’m sure all of us have different circumstances but I think the one thing that we all have in common is that we love our kids and would do anything for them. So I guess my advise to you is to talk with your husband and come to an agreement on the discipline of your kids and stick to it,you need to for your sanity!Your kids need you to.And ps I don’t think your screwed up ,I just think your a frustrated mom who needs some help and maybe a little bit of TLC.Good luck with evrything.PPS we ALL have days where we hate being moms and we can’t stand our kids so your completly normal!
Hello…Anybody out there?
I too feel your pain and today is one of those days. When I read this it was as if I were reading my own thoughts and feelings.
Well it’s official I’m pregnant with my third child and I’m 39yrs old. I have to say that I am freaking out!! It was not planned so I’m not too excited about it. Not to mention the horrible pregnancy’s I have sick the entire time and everyday all day not looking forward to that. Does anyone have 3 or more kids?If so could you please give me some advice the thought of having a third just really freaks me out!! I hope it will be ok.I have been taking anxiety meds for almost a year now so when I found out I was pregnant i had to dump them,now i am going through withdrawl and i can’t sleep at night i used them mostly to help me sleep at night. So it has been extremely hard to be happy about this baby. So please if anyone has any advise for me please let me know. Thanks
Thank you! I actually tried and tried to have kids.. using fertility drugs to get my twins, and then having the baby on my own.. but now, oh my god, I am totally feeling like I dont wanna be a mom anymore.
Thanks for making me see its just a feeling.. and it may pass..
Gin-that’s why I wrote this. So other’s won’t feel so alone and mean when they feel like they’re at the end of their rope.
We don’t always love our jobs-why should we always love being a mom?
You have me in absolute tears here. What you are feeling is exactly what I’m feeling, it’s as if I wrote this.
It has done me good to see that other people feel that they can’t handle being a mother anymore. I just want to run away, I really don’t feel I can go on – how do you get over it?
Thank you for being so honest and having the guts to do this. So many people don’t admit how they feel, sometimes I want to shake other mothers and say “please please feel the same way as me”
I just want to get over all this and love my baby, no-one seems to hear me, how can I tell people that I don’t want to look after my baby any more
I just hope things get better. Only I can do something about it but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Please tell me how you handle it?
Take care
Caz
I have been a mother for 34 years, and I have felt this way countless times. Most mothers, if honest, would admit they experience this. Believe it will get better, but it will never go away entirely. Mothers are allowed to be human.
big big ditto i dont know what to do anymore
this is exactly how i feel right now- and thank you for writing it.
You’re right Thor, this is a great post. I’ve just started dating a woman who I dated when we were both much younger. She has two kids now, both from men who abused her. She experienced some of the same feelings with her kids as you have, but I think because she was under threat from the men in her life she focused on protecting her girls from what was happening… so protecting them overtook the feeling they were a threat to her. If that makes sense. Now, the more time we spend alone together the more I seem to be becoming a refuge she has never had before. And it’s giving her time to think about things she couldn’t while she was with those men… I’m into assumptions and theories here, I only saw her on one occasion with one of her abusers and her eyes never left the floor. But I’m thinking, much like people in our situation where we get the manic depression out of the way so we can deal with the clinical depressions, maybe she’s entering into a situation where the abuse is finally over, she has a non-threatening environment to finally start thinking about the things which were done to her and around her, and maybe — maybe — she might start seeing her girls with some amount of resentment. She has spoken to me about how life could (COULD) be better without them, how it would be easier for us to date. Or it might be easier for her to recover if they weren’t around. I’m not worried about her harming the girls, but I am getting a little nervous how she treats them might change.
I grew up with a single mom who dated irregularly. But I was, as a kid, deaf, dumb and blind towards it — mostly due to the circumstances I was raised in, I didn’t really know my mom before I was eight. So I don’t know if her behaviour towards my brother and myself changed after the abuse stopped. It does seem possible, however, that if a mother is being abused and she is forced to protect her children from the abuse for a longish period of time, it might suppress that postpartum depression until a time comes when the abuse and threat to the child stops… or maybe it’s something altogether different… like “mommy could recover faster from the abuse she suffered if it weren’t for the kids, so the kids become a threat to mommy’s recovery.”
Anyway… that’s just me thinking out loud. The woman I’m dating now has made some comments to the fact she feels safe here, with me, and how she’s having a harder and harder time going back home to her kids. But not with enough seriousness to make me believe she’s totally serious. More wistful than planning anything.
Thanks for sharing this post with me, Thor.
I am so glad I found this site. I love my 2 year old son more than I could ever put into words. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I can’t imagine my life without him and he brings me joy. However, I also really do not like being a mother. Not even a little bit. I so desperately long to have my “old life” back. Of course, this makes me feel like the worst mother on the planet. I am so relieved to know I am not the only one. That I am not some heartless freak.
Obviously I typed in a phrase that you all did too, not knowing what would come up. WOW…sometimes it is just nice to know you are not alone. That in and of itself can ease some of the tears.
I have 4 children (4 years and under…yes there is a pair of twins in there) and love them…would put my life on the line for them, but sadly miss the person I was or would have become
I always say, “With the good comes the bad…love hard…fight hard” It just really sucks when your in the rough moment.
Thanks to everyone for posting and putting sanity into what feels like insanity
4 under 4 and two of them are twins! My hat goes off to you! I feel overwhelmed with 2!
You all just helped solidify my decision to get sterilized. I will never know the torment of grotesquely fattened preggo stomach, labour pain, or the lack odf freedom, or the sleepless nights, expenses, and ruining of my potential, all for the sake of creating another useless human. Sure, kids love ya, need ya, whatever,…..I have a loving husband, a career I love, travel, hobbies, a great dog….and still look great in a bikini at nearly 40 , and have plenty of time for beaches, parties, etc….shallow life? Nope! Just happy. And I get to CHOOSE whop I am kind to, not have it forced on me. Sooo glad I am childfree, but my condolences to you who regret parenthood but can’t admit it and hide the truth in vague protests of it all being ‘worth it’….hey, whatever gets ya through the next day trapped at home with no sitter or midnight feeding…
[...] Ultimately, in our webs of relationships, it is the children who will write, rewrite, and edit our scripts of life.” You all just helped solidify my decision to get sterilized. I will never know the torment of grotesq… [...]
Thordora; I’m sure all the moms that happen to come upon this site googling “I cannot handle being a mother” will give you a standing ovation. The fact that you had the courage to say something in a society where the “commercial” image of motherhood is chocolate chip cookies, and gap T-shirts is a brave thing to do indeed.
Tears came to my eyes as I read your post—followed by so many other moms in the same boat. Your words resonated with me on such a deep plane. I want to RUN!!!! RUN FAR FAR AWAY—but I know it won’t solve anything because those kids are imprinted in you, just as much as you make an imprint on them everyday.
As you said, it’s not about them–it’s about yourself. How you lose yourself. And I have became angry and bitter—and feeling like a horrible mom for not being chipper and grateful and happy about having such two beautiful, healthy, amazing children. Somehow you can never be good enough to be the mom that they deserve—that you don’t have enough to give…and this even though you give everything…to the point where there’s nothing left.
Yeah yeah, I know….take time for yourself….it’s a nice sentiment, but the reality is time for yourself is a guilty “pleasure”, and “pleasure” is hyphenated because in the back of your mind they’re always there.
Again Thordora, Thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you.
[...] on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” Weekly I receive comments on my “Cannot be a mother anymore” post thanking me for my candor, for putting it out there and saying what we all think so [...]
You’re absolutely amazing. Taking a troll like comment such as this and changing it into something which is actually worth reading and so well put.
You’re awesome Thordora!
As for that person. Sterilization would be best, for her sake – and ours. To each their own I guess.
So often lately I am overwhelmed by my selfishness of wanting to get out, to have an affair, to do “something”, but I love my babies (7,3,2). I realize through these posts that my feelings are natural, but I see now I need to break my cycle of self pity, let the house go to crap and have a little fun. Live a little and live it with the crazy, whiny, cute, loud and smart kids that are mine and mine alone (well ok my husbands too). Geez I have let myself get down, down and I’ve got to get myself up and out of this pit, I’m not a hostage! Thanks for input ladies, just knowing you are out there too is a balm to my soul.
Yeah, I am pretty awesome Sam. Or at least awesome enough to have remembered to check my spam filter and free you.
Wonderful post. I have found it very helpful to find other women who are feeling the same way I do. I love my 10-week old girl much more now than I did when she was born or for the first few weeks of her life. I don’t know if its because I had an emergency C-section and didn’t even get to hold her for almost 24 hours or if it was a touch of post partum anxiety but at three weeks, I had to hire a baby nurse because I was screaming for my husband to get the baby the hell out of our room and make her shut up. Mind you, she wasn’t crying. She was just making the grunts and groans and squeeks that all babies make when they sleep, but it was driving me insane. I lost my appetite and had to give up breastfeeding by week 6. I felt like a failure. Now, its only 4 weeks later but my feelings have regulated somewhat. I can enjoy her smiles and cooing and look forward to other developmental milestones. My next bout with anxiety will be when i go back to work in two weeks and have to leave her with a nanny. This coupled with her very poor sleeping habits are my current stress points that lead me to have several moments a day where I hate being a mom. She will always be with me and I will always worry. I have a great support network and can drop her off at my moms to get out of the house when I want but I always feel I need to rush back. Not because I miss my baby so much, I know she is fine. I feel “bad” that my mom is having to deal with her fussing and crying and pooping and feeding. Its MY responsibility, not my mothers. This is stupid because my Mom loves spending time with her grandaughter. So why do I feel this way?
The turning point for me came when I finally started sharing my mixed feelings about being a Mom with my friends. All of my friends looked like such great moms who were always happy but finally, one of my most intelligent friends said to me “are you kidding? BABIES SUCK!” She assured me that most mom’s are full of it if they claim to love every little bit of fussing and crying and diaper changing. She assured me that as my baby gets older and develops a personality, things will get better and I will enjoy her more but that until then, I should not feel bad when I am bored with my baby or mad at her for not taking a nap for more than 20 minutes or whatever it is that she is doing thats annoying me.
I also need to not worry that every minute of her wakefullness is full of developing and learning (10 minutes of tummy time, now 10 minutes doing ABCs, 10 minutes of song time…. now mommy is washing babies bottles, now mommy is doing laundry UGH UGH UGH!!!!)
I could write so much more about what I feel and how I largely drive myself insane. I know other people have babies that slept through the night when they were 4 weeks old. Mine is not one of those babies. I am lucky to get two hours of sleep in a row at night and I have a terrible time napping during the day. I resent my baby for this. But I also know she is not trying to manipulate me into being sleep deprived (at least not at this young age.) I just try to make the few minutes a day that are wonderful, when she smiles and coos, last me all day long.
I just appreciate knowing that there are other women out there who aren’t all happy happy joy joy about being a mom 24/7. This is the toughest job I have ever had, some days, it totally kicks my ass. I hope that months from now my baby will at least sleep 6 hours in a row so I can feel a little more human and maybe a little better able to deal.
oh seneca…there should be a book given out when you give birth detailing things that suck about the first little while. I don’t even like kids until around 1 year. I can coo at other babies, but if I had to take it home, I’d go nuts.
I’m glad you have friends willing to tell it like it is. It makes you feel less alone. And despite how you feel, you will sleep again, I promise. I’ve been there, and I’m glad I’ll never be there again. Enjoy what you can, shrug off the rest.
Wow, I googled no longer want to be a mother and found this blog. Like the others, I have to admit that I’m happy I’m not alone in this. I have one 6mth old and I KNOW that I don’t want anymore kids. I can barely mentally handle the one I have! Just today, I was driving wishing I could just keep going, not look back, change my number and start over with my life. Hell, I still do!
I’ve been to the outermost reaches of PPD and major depressive disorder. Mine are now 7 and 8 and somehow, I made it through school when they were younger to become a professional. A new moment happens instantaneously and yet, I still have trouble lots of the time. I feel like I’m pulling myself apart~~not a good feeling.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired and never get any time to myself. NONE. I am with my baby 24/7. I am in need of sleep (he went to bed at 3am last night then got up at 6:30, and now tonight is still up at 3:30am), a shower and some time alone. No matter what I do my child will not do anything without me. Tonight I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. He is only 6 months old and I love him to pieces, but I hate the crying, by him and me. I don’t know what to do!! I need help!!! I’m trying so hard and am getting no where!
Wow,, I have read the post, but still can’t get happy… I am not feeling sorry for my self the slightest, just overwhelmed by it all. I have a 5 yo who has now just finished kindergarten and a 3 month old. I tell everybody that all is well (lying of course) just to show that I am coping and all is happy at home. I am fortunate that I have a loving and helpful husband who happens to be in the firing line most of the time when I have my moments of bitterness and moods. He tends to tell me all the time that all parents go through this and to deal with it (this is when I become more angry and start to hate him and hate being a mother) Well…I can’t help feeling like this, I hate myself for feeling like this. Please don’t think I am being selfish and inconsiderate as I love my girls and husband dearly. But going back to what I said at the beginning I can’t get happy
We’ve been conditioned to think we SHOULD be happy just because we have children. And sometimes we are-but it’s such hard, tiring and at times thankless work that I don’t understand how we can be happy at all.
What’s important is that you aren’t alone. I feel this frequently. I love my children dearly but somedays….I’d rather take a long walk off a short pier.
Don’t hate yourself. Accept that not everyday is perfect. Accept that you aren’t perfect. Find something small that brings you happiness-for me, knitting, writing, walking, music, working outside of the home, these are all things that make ME happy. Which makes me a much better mother.
You are not selfish. You’re human. We tend to forget that mothers are human.
Courtney, it gets better. I hate babies. HATE THEM. The first year for me is hell with children. But now-I have a 4 year old and a almost 3 year old, and most of the time, it’s awesome. Babies are not cute 100% of the time.95% of the time, they are a PITA. It gets better.
Thanks for the comment Thordora.. I appreciate your honesty and it makes me feel better (I have to admit that I started tearing after reading it). Just today I was out buying food for Christmas lunch and my 5 year old came with me. It felt like a thorn was on my side and all I kept on telling her is to be quite and so on…..
Well…I have made a decision that I do need to see my GP for advice and to be assessed because I feel that I need HELP, it mentally weighs me down to the ground and I want to be able stand up again.
Having children not only drains you but they also put a huge strain on your body which also contributes to the way I feel.. (an over stretched, sagging accordion)
I didn’t mentioned in my previous blog how I came across this.. I started to google my darkest thought of how I felt (not good!!!!)
‘HOW TO COMMIT S#####!!!’.. can you believe that was going through my mind. I am so glad that I am not alone and I wish people would open up more with the way they feel about having children and the impact and changes they can have on you. (it is not fully covered in the prenatal classes)
Anyway, 2008 is a week away and I will be seen more years go by. So I wish you all a pleasant Christmas and New Year…
When I came across this work of Thor’s, via the same path you all took, I was first so crushed to see that I had missed the conversation. The first reply is from March 26th of what is now last year. Then, for the next hour, I read. and read. and read. Finally. A place where I can say it. I can say it all. I don’t have to hold anything back. I can tell you. I can’t tell him. I can’t tell them. I haven’t even told me all of it. But I CAN tell you. Thank you all so very much. I am far too overwhelmed at the the moment to try to begin to purge the “evil” that lies whithin, but I will be returning here. When I do, I expect to compose a lengthy and painful comment. For now….I’m just so happy to have found you all. Thank you.
You’re more than welcome. Come often-we give free hugs.
Hi Everyone
Well I made my way here by the usual route. I want to say thanks to the men who have written here, I felt for each of you, to Kristin I would have said if I had been in time DON’T DO IT but it’s too late for that now girl. Hope the pregnancy goes well, take every bit of help anyone offers, when they offer write it down so that you remember who it was when you need them.
To Lori Hugs.
At 16 I told my Mom that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have kids. She burst into tears, I felt emotionally blackmailed. Between her and the church which really didn’t get a woman’s role in any other package I got married at 22. 5 years later I felt I ought to start this vocation and then had 3 years of trying with a year of fertility treatment. Anyhow I forced nature’s hand so here I am 40 years old mother of 3, ages 7, 8 boys and my daughter aged 11. I must tell you that by the time the fertility treatment under way I very much wanted to have a baby I am just not sure I ever wanted a child
When the first was born C section she wouldn’t suckle and it took four gruelling weeks to begin breast feeding. I think perhaps I won my first battle of wills with her at this point. After that we had two glorious years together, I was the perfect happy Mom. I did have a down-ish time when she was 9mo but extra Vit B did the trick (that is something I would highly recommend for all mom’s) The fertility treatment worked quickly and easily for number 2 and there is 2 years and 9 months between them. Perfect!
When I was 5 months pregnant with my second the dam broke and I lost my temper with my daughter. I was beating my fists up and down on her bed and screaming and my husband had to pull me off her and sit on me. It was my tenth wedding anniversay that day nearly 9 years ago now. I think the dam broke on all the “have to’s” in my world of conservative church, education, marriage and upbringing. I went into therapy the next week but unfortunately I wasn’t put on meds until two years ago. I more or less abused my daughter for the next 3 years. For some reason I am ok with the boys but truth to tell I feel very little affection for my kids. My second was horrid from 6 months to two years and the third who was a total horrible, horrible shock. I was deeply depressed by the time the second was born and to be pregnant again 6 months later was terrible. I do now wonder if the third pregnancy wasn’t a way to keep me alive those months. I got to the point where I believed I was a terrible danger to my children and that nothing was going to work and I needed to kill myself for their safety and mental health. I didn’t know my third child really until he was 9 months when I realised that he considered his nanny his mother and that I needed to do something about that.
One of the things that helped me immensely was taking a day off every two weeks. I went to a retreat centre north of my home and cried and wrote and slept from 9 am till 3pm. I have a house keeper who looked after the children and I organised dinner in the slow cooker to be ready as I walked in through the door at 5pm. A the time I was caring for my husbands parents who were 88 years old. I was also trying to ensure the growth and welfare of a young girl orphaned by AIDS, fortunately she wasn’t living with us at the time. There are other pretty dramatic bits of family drama that were happening at the time to add to the load. Oh and my husband runs his business from home and travels quite a bit. Fortunately when he is at home he is the best, most wonderful father and support I could wish for. I am now on meds I am no longer a physical danger to my children, everyone gets fed, touched and put to bed each day and I consider that a victory. I am at university getting a degree and have tried to be a real person in my own right outside of my home as much as possible. This year I did consider getting a job but I can’t work care for a family of seven and get the degree………..can I? I still have my father-in-law and my extra daughter now 15 living with me.
I do not like my daughter, she gets on my nerves she brings out the worst in me and although I probably do love the children, in a day to day fashion I feel no affection only irritation and frustration. I do think they would be better off without me but I am afraid that the emotional scars of me leaving them now would only compound the damage already done. I tolerate them while trying to do the best for them emotionally, socially, physically etc. Spiritually I believe that each soul is equally sacred and that my children have great value. I believe that they should be respected, nurtured and valued and that they should be given tools to become responsible, loving, compassionate beings. So why do I fail so miserably to be that light filled being for them? Why do I lack tenderness and compassion for the ones I am closest to?
I hate being a mother. As I grow and find other avenues in which to be “me” I tolerate motherhood better and am able to be more responsive and creative in my parenting. Silly thing is I really enjoy helping adults to grow and realise their sacred potential why can’t I do that at home? Sigh, as someone says “this too will pass” and when it does I can only hope that the strengths I have gained in this desperate journey will in some way help my children to work through the damage that having me for a mother is causing.
Not sure that I have been any good to anyone with this ramble but I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the opportunity to share.
Love and strength
Jacqui
Jacqui, what a heart-wrenching story; thank you for having the courage to share it. I wonder if you would consider taking your daughter to therapy with you; might help both of you connect a little better.
i’m really stressed out!! I feel like i have a zillion pounds on my shoulders. I have 2 children my girl is 4 and my boy is 2 im pregnant w/ my third,which will be a boy im due in may,i’m exhausted. I feel like a robot ,i do the same thing everyday cook,clean,take my little girl to preschool,my life hasen’t been my own in a long time. It is me and my husband ,i work nights,and he works days i’ve been working nights since 2003 i hate it and it’s at a drug store i always ask myself “where is my life going?” We never get any help to just relax, it’s like pulling teeth to get my mother to watch them,and my husbands parents are older, so i don’t like to ask them to much. I love my kids but i need some down time!! my husband doesn’t understand, he gets up ,goes to work comes that’s it!! he’s not running around all day w/ the kids then at 3:30 i get in the shower and get ready for work at 5till 9 then get up and do it all over again im tired!! If i do finally get to go somewhere~i never hear the end of it!! Oh and god forbid i take a little time out and go on the computer,i really feel traped !! Don’t get me wrong i love my kids and i love this baby im going to have. I just need a break to refresh mind and body and noone understands that!! Please help!!
Hello Sherry
You are a very precious unique treasure and one of a kind to your children . no one else can do your job in their lives, ever. Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are not deserving of rest an downtime. You have asked for help and since I am not even on the same continent as you are there seems to be not much I can do to help. Lol maybe pay a nanny and send her to you.
However I have at different times and in different circumstances found things that helped me. I have spent the night thinking through them and realising there are many. I will list them here for you and all the others who visit here and hope amongst the proliferation you will find one or two that you can apply. If I can be of help to you or anyone else you can contact me on ella_._ella@hotmail.com. Please note I am not a professional of any kind. These are ideas that have helped me over the last eight years and are not intended to replace any professional advice you may have been given.
1. Vitamin B the brand Neurobion can only be obtained under prescription on my country but it seems to be the best one.
2. Nootropil one of the smart drugs available, taken over 3 months can revolutionise yr outlook and energy levels.
3. Vitamin C can improve the quality of your sleep. Take it a few hours before bed time.
4. The natural way to raise your serotonin is exercise. A 20 minute walk each day with the stroller or alone will work wonders.
5. http://www.flylady.net is an awesome website which has revolutionised more than one home. To get on top of Mt. Washmore, get rid of clutter, get meals on the table and keep up with the kids schedules, give it a shot.
6. Go to bed with your children. Simple and I am sure many people do it. Weather than is 6.30pm or 8pm just go to sleep as soon as they do, that way if they have a bad night you have gotten the best sleep you can. Forget the house work
.
7. Keep a list of anyone who offers to help you and what they have to offer.
8. Make a list of any services you see advertised that may help and check prices sometimes you may be pleasantly surprised by the affordability.
9. Form a mom club whereby you and two or 3 other moms exchange kids. Allow one person to have ALL the kids one week and the other three have the entire day off. A couple of hours help but an entire day is amazing. Alternatively combine finances with another mom or two and hire a good qualified child minder who can handle a bunch of kids at once. It reduces the cost for each of you.
10. If you cannot afford a child minder perhaps a cleaner comes cheaper in your area. Hire someone to do your housework once a week, once a month whatever and have a day when you really dont have to do anything except be with your kids. If they are already at school this would give you part of a day off.
11. Take a day off every two weeks or once a month. Plan it in advance, put dinner in a slow cooker or have take outs. Get a local teen, a family member or whatever. Get away from home. Go to a local church, library, sports club, retreat centre, botanic garden or the home or apartment of someone working full time. For me it was imperative to be alone, undisturbed and out of touch. No phone movies, tv or books that would make me “mindless” I found that if I spent this down time in mindless, mind numbing activity I didn’t feel refreshed. Some exercise out in nature, soul nurturing reading and writing my soul out all helped me.
12. Bulk cooking so that there was instant food in the freezer makes a huge difference. I may just as well do two chickens as one or 5kg of ground beef as one etc.
13. Diet! Yuck a four letter word. However I have found that when I cut out all carbs and refined sugars. Eating only proteins, vegetables and fruits (natural carbs and sugars) I steadied my mood, reduced my irritation levels, felt more powerful and in control and of course, lost weight, so felt better about how I looked. My blood sugar levels are better and glucose is down. I have avoided type two diabetes as a result of diet change and exercise all in three months.
14. I found writing helped to get the built up resentment out of me and often gave me insight into my own thinking and dreams. My mind was so cluttered with the chatter that I couldn’t gain insight any other way.
15. Get out! If you are a stay at home mom you get suffocated by your four walls. Join a group of women who meet regularly with their kids. I know it’s a mission to get everyone out of the house but it can give you support and perspective and of course fresh air.
16. Find a neighbourhood teen or let hubby bath your kids for you. Sound strange? Bath time can be so stressful. I used to get my kids in the bath and then climb the ladder onto the roof of my house and watch the sunset. lol. It gave me just enough energy to make it through bedtime.
17. Go to therapy. You don’t need to tell a soul. Most communities have some sort of low cost or even free, volunteer counselling. It can be such a relief to have a regular hour every fortnight to just let it all go. Someone who listens to you and only you. Get support regularly for 6 months and then reevaluate. Just dont stick with someone who makes you feel guilty or judges you. That is their baggage being projected on you.
18. Extreme exercise. At one time I was doing an hours mega effort exercise 6 days a week. It gave my body the chance to release stored toxins and re-establish the correct chemical balance, balance my moods and restore logical thought processes.
19. Get dressed, at one point just getting dressed and doing my hair made so much difference to the rest of my day.
20. This is a sort of psychological trick. Objectify the “bad” in you perhaps even give it a name and separate it from who you are. Then befriend yourself the beautiful essence of your being. Fight the “bad” that you do, don’t fight yourself.
21. Have tea with yourself. Get out your very best china use a milk jug, sugar bowl, silver teaspoon. Lay a tea tray with a napkin, vase and flower and tray cloth. Put on some music or create a silent space, light a candle if its a dull day and have a fabulous nurturing tea with yourself. It doesn’t take long.:)
22. Alleviate kid stress during car rides. Get audio books or music that really catch your children’s imagination. Always take water and a snack with you. Don’t forget the wipes.
23. Choose what you put into your mind with care. Listen to music that lifts your mood don’t get morbid on sad songs. Similarly with books and movies. Music can radically change your mood and energy levels in very short space of time.
24. Try and be you, unique, not mom, not wife, just you. Do things your way, not the way your church, society, mom or anyone else does, tap into your creativity. Obviously if you are able, this would include taking a class, running a business, doing art or music or dancing, growing a vegetable garden, arranging flowers. Whatever, that is uniquely yours. Often you can rediscover these things by thinking back to school days and remembering what you dreams you had then.
25 Can I emphasise again here, get help! You are not unusual in finding parenting overwhelming. Traditional communities can be of great help, church etc or they can make you feel useless, judged, stupid and inadequate. If yours isn’t meeting your needs, Move! Even if you just join the mothers group from a neighbouring community.
its so good for me to know im not alone ! i hate myself for the way ive been with my kids at times i can relate to what jacqui is saying, i too flipped on occasions then stepped back horrified at myself.
At the beginning i was a patient mother but along with the lack of money, and sex with my husband there was nothing i could do to relieve my stress.
I look at my son whom i had terrible post natal depression with and think that they d all be better off with out me here.
I m going to start to go to some local baby groups with i always went when i had my daughter but once l got ill i lost all my confidence and couldnt even cope with getting a night job.
I feel so much guilt at the fact that i could of helped with money problems and being away from these walls would of helped but finding the strength was so difficult and not having any help with my kids other than my husband i felt lost and guilty about going to work……i love my kids with all my heart but god its so hard !
DITTO.. everyday .. DITTO
Hi. I understand what you mean. I have only one who it’s 2,5 yo and most of the time I want to run away from responsabilities and want to be free.
Obviously, I googled the same thing as everyone else. Lately, I just really hate being a mother. I was so happy with my life before she came along, I was never wanting children to make me feel complete. She is so wonderful and can be so sweet and has a great sense of humor, but I just need some time away. My husband and I work opposite schedules, so I don’t have tons of support at night. No friends or family help–they are just as busy or live out of state. It is very lonely and draining and I feel a lot of guilt–even as I write these horrible things, she is poking my arm with a cardboard box on her head saying “yehaw”. I miss the old fun me. I am grumpy and tired and easily irritated and short-tempered. I think my husband is starting to think I’m a terrible mother, too.
On top of this, I am feeling mounting pressure about having another one. My daughter is three and I want more than anything for her to have a sibling (for many reasons), but can’t this child just appear out of nowhere in, say, ten years? The only reason I would ever consider having another is for her. Is that reason enough? Or should I just do what I want, and call it a day?
Anyway, thank you for writing this original post. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I feel awful for not feeling like a ray of sunshine and rainbows all the time. I am miserable most of the time. I sigh a lot. It means everything to know that the “joys” of parenthood are few and far between, especially in this hectic world we all live in. Thanks.
Who wants to shit puppies and rainbows anyway?
(and word to the wise-the second is a HUGE adjustement in many ways-but they occupy each other eventually)
I am a mom and I have a dauther and she is crazy, she is nagging constanly from the minute she was born, she wants my attention all the time. It is making me useless and my life is out of control. She controls me when I forgot about beeing the boss, she makes me to forgot beeing boss. She is so, oh I don’t have words to even say it.
That was for today hopefully tomorrow it is better.
I had a rough day yesterday.
Ditto to everyone!! I just stumbled upon this site and I cannot believe other mothers feel just like I do. I’ve been a stay at home mother for 12 years. I have a 12 year old son, a ten year old daughter who has been extremely difficult since birth. She has learning disabilities, ADHD, etc. I also have a 6 year old daughter. I live in very rural area, my husband works until 7:00 p.m. at night and just doesn’t understand me. He thinks I’m just being bitchy!!! I don’t have many friends around me who I can relate to. My good friends all live far away. My parents never help and I never see them. I feel like I don’t have anyone!! I just feel like I’m going crazy and falling apart. I have totally lost my identity!! I feel like I’m doing my kids more harm than good. All I do is yell 24/7. I finally took on a part time job on the weekends. It does help. But I’m just relieved that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I was seeing a therapist but it really didn’t help me too much. I started taking vitamins and herbal remedies to help my serotonin, but I haven’t seen a difference yet. I really feel like I am at my breaking point. Any advise?
I wish I had some great advice, but I’m in the same boat…. or should I say ’swimming along beside it, trying to keep my head above water’! Hopefully, just knowing others are treading along with you helps a little. (It does for me, thank you everyone!) It seems this is a good place to ‘vent’, even if we can’t come up with the ‘magic answer’. Some days are certainly better than others and I try to remember that when I’m having a really bad one. (Just came off of one of those days…. Easier said than done.)
I never had those longings to have children myself, but here we are. When we brought our daughter home from the hospital, I knew right away, I was not cut out for motherhood. Wow, I sure didn’t know what I was getting into. She was a difficult one. And we too have no family help nearby. So our motto was “One Is Plenty”, (even though I, like Sandra, thought I’d want to have a sibling for her, but we decided it wasn’t for us) BUT… My husband coudn’t understand what I was saying when I told him we were pregnant again, I was laughing so hard. (I think it was a combination of laughing and sobbing!) We now have a 6 year old and a (almost) 3 year old. And have ‘made sure’ this will be it.
Two is definitely an adjustment…. ditto to Thordora. Sandra, think about that one long and hard. Your two would have their own dynamics, and you don’t know what that will be – good or bad. Just to keep things interesting!
For us, probably the ‘increased chaos level’ in our home is our biggest adjustment. I’m not sure on the math but I think two somehow triples that chaos!! It always feels like there’s someone with “needs to be met”. Luckily, at least our second is a MUCH easier baby and toddler, but he still has all the usual baby/toddler needs. We also heard the advise that 2 occupy each other – someday. We’re still not quite there yet, but I may see a glimmer of it and I’m certainly banking on it! We’re also lucky that ours don’t fight too badly, but we have some friends that have 2 that fight like cats and dogs – no fun at all. Right now, is when I really see what a difference the second one makes to my life. Our oldest started school this year, which would have been a huge milestone, EXCEPT that I still have a toddler at home. He won’t be off to full time school for 3 more years. THEN, I’ll have some time during the day and I think that will make a big difference. Or at least that’s the ’shred of hope’ I’m holding onto!
I want to keep a sense of humor about it all, but most days it’s lost under the pile of dishes, laundry and toys. And most nights, it’s lost under my pile of work (I have my own business and work at home, so I have a flexible schedule. It’s amazing what can be accomplished after midnight! I haven’t had 8 hours of straight sleep in 6 1/2 years.) So I try to be gentle on myself, and remember, we ‘mother survivors’ are amazing! If you would have described the work, the hours, etc. that we would have to do day in and day out, I would never believe it could be sustained. Be we are living proof. Congratulations to everyone…. we made it through the day.
I can’t stop crying. thank you.
I have a question of the mothers who have posted here or any mothers who feel the same as the respondents on this blog. Do you have these feelings about parenting and yet project to the world an image of parenting bliss? Do you put up a facade of happiness and contentment to the outside world? Do you share with others the “joys of parenting” which I hear so often yet feel completely opposite of what you are saying? I ask because in my decision whether or not to have kids I have been exceedingly perplexed at how unhappy couples look with kids, yet how much they will speak and extol the many wonderful blessings of parenthood. Of the couples who do seem to look happy with their kids: I wonder again: is this just a false image that they are working hard to portray? How much acting and pretending “everything is so wonderful” actually goes on?
Jen-parenting is a mix of bliss and terror and heartache and excitement and wonder….we shall the moments that rock because they really do. No one usually wants to hear the bad stuff, the bad days when it’s all you can do to NOT throttle your children.
Some are happy. 95% of the time, we’re happy. Tired, and worn, but happy. But see us on a bad day, and it looks like hell.
Think of it like a job-you don’t love even your dream job 100% all of the time. Same goes for parenting.
Thordora
95% happiness is excellent. I thought it would be more 50/50.
How does having children affect marriage? My husband is my absolute world and I am his. I just see marriages go on “hold” for the sake of functioning and catering to the kids needs. It doesn’t look good to me at all.
Also,
Has any one out there had kids even though they never wanted them? Did you fall head over heels in love with your kid even though you said you never wanted children? I don’t have any desire to have them, I mean no desire at all…but I wonder if I am making a big mistake in terms of the “meaning of life.”
I was ambivalent at best about kids. We waited ten years. Even then, it was let’s just stop using birth control, not let’s try to have a baby. I didn’t want to refuse what God might want to give me.
I don’t regret having had a child — it is an adventure, a challenge, full of sweetness. The negative stuff is not so much wishing she was never born, as much as the frustration that comes with wanting to do a difficult job well, and that comes with the Otherness of a baby — she’s not a doll to manipulate as I wish, she’s her own person.
I don’t think I could put a percentage on how much happiness vs. no fun.
As for marriage, a child does necessarily take some attention. However, I believe research has shown that kids do best when parents’ relationship comes first and is solid and secure. If you’re aware of that commitment and work at it, having a child won’t automatically destroy it.
If you have no desire at all, think hard before going for it. But if you’re merely ambivalent, it might turn out wonderful.
Jen, I also had “no desire at all” to have children, but wondered if we were “missing something”. I have done many very difficult things in my life, but raising kids definitely tops them all… 24/7 no holidays or sick days. MUCH harder than I bargained for. My husband and I also felt like ‘we were each others world’. I guess we still are, but its certainly from a different perspective these days. The kids take most of our time and attention, so sometimes I just want my ‘boyfriend’ back. Without any help with the kids, we don’t get any time ‘off’, just the two of us together. That would sure be nice. I wish I could say it’s 95% joyful, for me it’s not. But today we celebrated my sons 3rd birthday (our youngest) – he has a great smile and says the funniest things, and I’m his world. He’s taught me a lot.
Hi Jen I didn’t want, then I did because of social pressure. If I had to do it over I wouldn’t have children. I am not cut out to be a mother. You could foster I guess, it’s not the same but it would give you some idea of weather you want the job full time.
Jenn-I hate kids. never wanted one, not ever. We had two “oops” (don’t ask)
But, we figured that since we weren’t careful, on some level, we did want them.
At the time, we loved eachother, but we were drifting-for us, having a child made us actually be adults, and find each other again. The love I have for my husband is so much richer now, because he’s not just my husband-he’s the father of my daughters, and always will be.
And my girls….I love to be away from them, and likely function more as a stereotypical “man” in terms of parenting, but I love them in ways I could have never imagined. I watched “The New World” last night and at the end she watches her son and says “Mother-now I know where you live.”
I get it now-so many things I never got before.
We’ve been through some struggles-read the archives for that-but nothing easy is ever as worthwhile, at least not to me. We’re better people for all of our problems. Our marriage has changed, but at the end of the day, we’re still just two geeks who love to watch movies and argue about ‘art’.
It’s a hard decision. I’m glad we fucked up and didn’t have to make it.
I love my boys. They are 15 and 9. They are both stunningly beautiful, healthy and extremely intelligent. I can’t bear to be without them. I was a wonderful “baby, toddler, elementary school” mom. I loved them so much when they were little. I would give a finger to get them back again. I never minded changing diapers or the “pick me up” stuff. It is the now that has gotten so horribly unbearable. Especially with my 15 year old. In the past 3 years he is so angry and violent. I have taken him to Dr after Dr ect ect. I have never given up on him. The pain, heartache and mental anguish that he causes is almost so unbearable that I feel at times I am going to have a nervous breakdown just trying to keep everything together. He has the whole world going for him. He is very smart, very funny, and gorgeous. He just is so full of anger. He has no passion for anything. My 9 year old who has always been my source of smiles and love is now slowly becoming like his brother. He loved school. Absolutely loved it. A little sponge. And now he is frustrated and pissy because it just takes up too much time. Which he also hears his brother say. My husband and I are still very much in love after all these years and we are so at a loss of what to do. My husband is gone a lot overseas but never neglects his boys. He calls and stays very involved every day. I just don’t know what to do anymore. They say children are blessings. I do believe this. However, they cause you the greatest heartache of your life. There are more years of anguish than of joy. I would never leave them, but the pain they cause makes me feel everyday that my heart is not going to last their lifetime.
I have a 9 month old and I never wanted children. But I am one who loves a challenge. So I challenged myself. How selfish is that?
My husband and I travelled, walked our dog, I have a beautiful horse that I still try and ride every other day….but it’s gone. I feel some days are a reminder of my old self stressing how much I was not meant for motherhood.
I resent my husband’s daily freedom. His ability to dine with colleagues and then call me and ask if it’s ok to head out to the hockey game with his friends. How do I say no? He needs his freedom too. But when he looks after my son in the evening it is my 3 hours of me time. So if he wants to take that away from me I get so angry. I never thought I would feel like the angry ungrateful wife. But here I am….and no one would ever understand. They look at the outside of my life and can’t imagine how I could eve be unhappy. But I am. I feel dragged out and tired and angry at everyone who thinks that I am happy.
I am my mother. I can’t stand my mother. She hated being one, and I bore the brunt of her physical abuse and anger. And now I am here and I try with all my might to be a different person than her. I will never belittle or hit my son…but my husband might leave me because he sees my unhappiness everyday.
They don’t get it….husbands don’t get it. They are away all day and they come home so happy to see the child that has whined and cried all day. And dad walks through the door and they giggle and coo and make me look like a fat liar.
But then there are the days when my son looks at me with wonder and I feel a bit better…but it’s not like the movie that I want my life to be.
I googled “I don’t love being a mother”.
And before I even had him…I knew this would be the case.
I looked for something like this once before. I think I used the word ‘hate’ though. I found nothing. I felt like a psycho. No one else in the whole internet world hated being a mother? Well “can’t handle” is certainly better than nothing.
I was sitting here at the computer just staring and exhausted and drained and thinking, I just don’t like being a mother. My son is nearly six and drives me to the brink of madness every single day of my life and has since he was born. I cannot remember the last day of my life that passed without me issuing threats or resorting to an angry mum voice. I hate that woman that I have become. She’s bonkers and angry and tired and bored and stressed and empty.
In a nutshell, the first three years were about him not SLEEPING and the last three years have been about him not LISTENING! I am so exhausted by motherhood, is it a dead weight around my soul.
I do not seem to have the physical or mental reserves to manage. I cannot stand the do-gooder emails about how precious our kids are and how grateful we should be. For what? Making the greatest mistake of my life. I sure didn’t do it twice. I stare blankly at anyone that talks adoringly about their kids. I can’t believe their human. I can’t believe it’s true.
Motherhood is hideous. I cannot believe that I have had six relentless years in this job. A job that I can’t ever leave and that is mind blowingly tedious. I had no idea it would be this bad. Babysitting has nothing to do with being a mother. I truly wish that I could say, oh but it’s all worth it when they, you know, smile or give you a hug, but you know what? It’s not. It’s just not. It’s just guilt induced garbage to bang on about what precious little angels they are.
It’s boring and frustrating and stressful and you become this psycho fascist trying to cope with defiant nut bag behaviour. To stay at home is so mindless and dull, but to take him out in public or away with other children turns into such a huge and relentless monitoring job that I just end up feeling anger and despair.
I cannot stand going to playgrounds (but I take him)and other parents yapping about their kids, or taking him to swimming lessons or having to help set up or even worse play some of his games with him, it’s just so so boring. How do other mothers do it? It makes me want to get my brain scraped out and reprogrammed. Every time I do some kind of kid activity I feel like another couple of thousand brain cells have died. I have no idea what I was actually thinking when I got up the duff.
You must be positive and calm and consistent and lead by example. Well when you have been so worn down by years of obnoxious behaviour there comes a time when you don’t have a reservoir of patience or tolerance. You just resent having to keep on keeping on, dealing with the same thing day after day after day. I love my boy deeply- I just wish to god I liked him a little bit more. I am too exhausted to enjoy him. He’s work not pleasure.
I am so unbelievably SICK of six years of endless talk. Talking to him or at him or with him day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, day after day after day! I just want to shutup.
People spoke the greatest load of platitudinous crap to me about having kids, both before and during my pregnancy. Not a single thing any of them said to me about parenthood has been my experience.
Beware any of you trying to decide whether or not to have a child, if it isn’t something you are absolutely desperate to do, DON’T. It’s simply the pits if you go into it half- hearted or just because you can.
The immediate loss of spontaneity in one’s life crippled me with grief. It is absolutely devastating, in a way that few women express, to have your personal freedom completely and permanently obliterated once you have given birth. You cannot ever know what this loss is like till you have a child. Clearly, I’ve never recovered.
I’m sorry for my little boy that I don’t like being a mother and that I am a tired cranky cow a lot of the time. He’s innocent. He didn’t ask to be here. He’s just who he is. I know that. I just hope it get’s better for him and for me.
oh Betty. I’ve been there. I think I was there all weekend as well.
I probably don’t have the right advice for a SAHM-I have my own challenges, but I know I would go BATSHIT athome all day with my girls. Nothing lost in admitting that.
You sound so sad though, and I tell you, with my first, going to see a therapist, just to talk, just to talk to an adult and hear my own voice-it was very soothing. You can’t be everything for that little dude.
Not all moms only talk about the small and smellies, but it’s so hard to find. Online is good-many women who frequent this site are a good place to start. Start your own little corner of the web.
You deserve it Betty. You really do.
Thanks for your kind words Thordora. As you can imagine I read back over my whining spew above and feel that insidious inescapable guilt. The voice comes … I love him. I love him. I love him … it’s not his fault. How can I say those things, how can I think those things. He’s a good boy, a beautiful boy, it’s his behaviour. It’s MY behaviour. I need to help him . I’m the adult. It’s wrong of me to lose it. I mustn’t yell at him . Im teaching him it’s okay to lose it and be out of control. I must try to be a better mother, a more loving patient mother, until the next out burst and then we start all over again. And on and on we go.
What is a SAHM?
My boy went back to school yesterday after Easter break. His loving hands-on dad is away working for a few weeks and I think flying solo during the holidays has done my head in.
I am looking for work, which of course presents a whole lot of new challenges, but I know, no, I hope that I will be a better mother for it and hope my son will be around a less explosive, more patient mother. I have lost a lot of confidence over the past few years and it’s not easy to try to get back into the work force after such a break, but I think it will be part of my salvation if I can just find the strength and motivation to do it.
I hate myself everyday for losing my temper with him. I don’t hit him, thank god, but I do yell at him and I do sometimes grab him ( even this makes me sooooo guilty) I know that I have to stop it. I will be so patient for so long and then completely lose my flipping mind over something as trivial as him hurling a sopping wash cloth out of the bath onto the floor ( no excuses for my lack of control – but I must add that it will always be something that I have asked him on many occasions not to do) Something will just snap in this frazzled head of mine.
As horrible a mother as I sound in my emails, I do try my best to create a warm , loving , safe and believe it or not, even happy environment for my child. But I just feel on the brink all the time. I just want him to listen and do what I ask (I know that’s quite ridiculous) and I simply get worn down from trying and explaining over and over and over again. And more to the point I feel as though I am failing him and myself. I look around and a lot of other mothers seem ‘normal’ ?? ( stupid comment I know, what’s normal etc but you know what I mean, they do seem ‘normal’ ,well they seem to be on top of it, not sinking) and doing it all as if it’s ‘natural’ and easy and . I do just feel so sad that I find it all so hard. But then sometimes their children seem, well to be frank, they seem less hyper and silly than my little boy often behaves. A lot of the time the kids actually do seem to do what their parents ask. With my son and I, it always has to escalate to a major drama. It’s the pattern. No wonder I’m exhausted and I’m sure he is to. Who wants to go off to school after being yelled at by your mum. So horrible.
I have read through nearly all of the posts above and I have loved reading them and learning that I am not the only mother out there who struggles to get any sort of balance in this role.
Thank you for all your stories.
I do have girl friends and sisters with kids but if ever I try to voice any thing like this, even slightly , I just get beaten back down with comments like, ‘try having two’ or ‘try working and having one’ or ‘he’s not that difficult ,you should see what I have to put up with.’ So I just shut up and put on a brave face while all the while I’m slowly coming apart at the seams. My sister has exited from the last two play times we have arranged as she can’t abide what she obviously considers my son’s disruptive behaviour. So I suppose I won’t be organizing any more of play times with those cousins.
Oh and you know before I had a child, when I was all breezy and single and doing whatever the hell I wanted ( well sort of , nothing like a bit of exagerration to make a point)) I did often used to see school mothers ( me now) sitting at the traffic lights and I’d think that so many of them looked tired and drawn and sad. Well funny about that – that was how they looked anyway.
Duhhhhhhhh! Stay at home mum. Okay. Never deliberately, just the way things panned out.
i thimk your page has helped me in ways you could not imagine. i,m a married mother of two daughters and love my children and my husband very much but sometimes just want to run away from it all. so reading your page made me realise i,m not the only one out there and in time i hope i can get a grip of my moods and treat my children the way they deserve to be treated. like children! thanx again you,ll never know how much you have helped me.
You’re welcome.
We shouldn’t feel alone when we all feel like this sometimes.
Jenn,
Don’t do it, for the love of God, don’t!
This is only my opinion. But since I was about 12 years old I always said I didn’t want to have children, and I never did. I got married when I was 29 to a wonderful man who understood that I didn’t want children, even though he really wanted a son to carry on his father’s name (he is a “Jr.” and wanted a III) He married me understanding that was probably never going to happen. I am so in love with my husband, he is a great man with old school values, ethics and principles, but present day tolerance, acceptance, and faith. This world needs more people like him. And that’s how it got me….my husband needed a son, he deserved a son, the world needs the kind of man my husband would create. So 2 years later at the age of 31, I gave birth to perfect baby boy. I chose to do this, for all the right reasons, in all the right ways. We’d bought a house, had good jobs and a wonderful relationship. My son is 11 1/2 months old now. This is by far the WORST mistake I’ve ever made. What kills me the most is I always always knew I would make a horrible mother. My mom is great, and I figured out very early on in life that I was far too selfish to make the sacrifices she made in life. Why the hell I talked myself out of over 15 years of clear headedness I can not say. My boy is absolutely wonderful. He is probably a lot different than the others’ kids on this website. He’s pretty easy going, has a good time, entertains himself when need be. Birth was a breeze even with no drugs…seriously things probably couldn’t go any better (he’s sick alot, but allergies in west texas do crazy things, and it’s certainly nothing serious like so many people have to deal with) I have a great EASY job that is full time, flexible, with benefits and understanding co-workers. I should have NO complaints…afterall I’m living the dream, right? Right…the only problem is it was never MY dream. I knew my whole life I was not cut out for this dream. Now…I’ve proved it, and I don’t think anything will ever bring me out of this G-U-I-L-T. I knew better! I freakin knew better and I CHOSE to do it anyway. I never thought I was capable of such feelings of inadequacy. Holy cow do I feel inadequate. Across the board… I can’t think of a single thing I do well. Others assure me that’s not the case, but I honestly beleive it is out of respect of the skinny fun loving person I used to be. I will never regret giving my husband a son, but I think I will probably always regret creating and subjecting another sweet living being to the dissapointment of being my child. If your gut says no….listen. I wish I had, I really do, and I’ve got it pretty good. Damn.
By the way, I’m really in need of a great online support group, chat room or something along those lines for mothers. Any suggestions? This place is wonderful, but I mean for the day to day stuff, advice, etc.
I too feel like I can’t cope at all anymore. I have a 15 month old, a 5 and 6 year old a dumb dog and a husband. I hate the way I’ve become, I am always yelling at them, and I hate the way I feel. My house is totally upside down, and I feel like I just don’t care anymore. I don’t have the energy to clean all the time, and my kids don’t listen, and life is just not the way I imagined it to be. IT SUCKS!
Hi Ladies I haven’t been here in a while now, I have been going through some prety hard times lately. In october i found out that i was pregnant with my third baby!!! It was NOT planned and needless to say i was not happy at all!! Abortion was not an option either. I hadve just turned 40 and the thought of starting all over with another baby realy freaks me out actually i hate the thought of it i found myself very angry all the time there were even times where i wished i would just miscarrie then it would be ok but that never happened and now i am almost 8 months and i am soo scared of what is going to happen once the baby is born. I already have 2 girls 5 and 3 and this one is a boy which i have to admit i was upset about i never wanted to have boys so when i was told that it was a boy i became even more depressed. My husband is ecstatic about having a third but i am just miseable. Has anyone out there had a siimilar experience? If so i would to know how you dealt with it and did your opinion change once you saw your baby? I am so depressed all the time that i feel sick to my stomach and i am not sleeping well at all i really could use some advice. everybody keeps telling me that all this will cahnge once the baby is born that i will just be soo happy and wonder how i could of ever not wanted him. But im afraid that once hes born i will be even more depressed and that i will just be miserable and hate my life and that it will eventually effect my pretty perfect marriage i just cant feel good about it not to mention thta i am not looking forward to the c section again so please anyone please help with some advice and encouragment i really could use some thanks for listening.
[...] time the charm? Kristin left the following comment on my “I cannot handle being a mother anymore” post Hi Ladies I haven’t been here in a while now, I have been going through some prety [...]
Hello, I found your thread by doing a google search. I was wondering what was wrong with me that I don’t like my children anymore. Have a ds 8/03, a dd 8/04 and a dd 8/07. I gave up my career to stay at home with my children about 9 months ago. My dh has MS, which to our families means his job was more important. It also doesn’t help me with the children or my house, because he always comes home tired. My ds is in preschool, but my dds don’t get out of the house much – which isn’t a lot for my 9 month old, but it is for my 3 year old. I can’t stand to be around my children anymore. My 3 yo especially. She’s a drama queen, talks back and doesn’t listen to a word I say. My son is well behaved, other than occasionally instigating fights, but it’s rare and he listens when you say, “stop.” My 9 mo is extremely clingy. I tried going out to dinner with my dh the other night for the first time in 3 months and all she did was cry. Now her grandparents don’t want to watch her anymore. I don’t have any friends – let alone a social life, all of my family is in another state, I don’t have energy or motivation to do anything anymore. I used to love cooking, but now it’s just one more thing to wrestle with. Dirty dishes and lack of counter space. The one thing I ask of my dh is to do the dishes after dinner. It’s been over two weeks now. Making meals is now turned into the only thing that pulls me away from hiding by the computer because of the guilt I would feel about my children not being fed. Otherwise I sit here, trying to escape. I find myself constantly yelling at my children because the moment I wake up in the morning (haven’t slept through the night in over a year – nursing dd) I’m already at my wits end again. I can’t imagine what this is doing to my children. Every day … multiple times, I stop and try to make a mental note to stay positive, calm and ‘happy.’ But 5 min later I’ve lost it again. I’m still crying uncontrollably because the ideas here people have about going out with other mothers, joining groups, getting therapy or putting time aside to do things that remind me of “me” seem so simple yet so incredibly unimaginable. Who will watch my kids? And what help is it going to do me by bringing them all with?? I ask for help to get away, but I always get the response that no one wants to watch all three kids… that it’s impossible to do for a couple hours and they can’t believe I would expect them to be able to, “oh, I know you do it every day, but …” It’s like, my choice, my punishment. Even though they’re family, they shouldn’t be expected to help. I also struggle with horrible anxiety, which doesn’t help with my temper. It’s like a rush of adrenaline that makes me cringe like fingernails on a chalk board at the third repeat of “Mom!” or a crying baby. I can’t take anything because I’m nursing and don’t have insurance anyway. I’m still crying… please someone. I love my children, deep down inside I know I do and I would give my life for their health and happiness. I just don’t know what to do to keep the mom around that they need.
Forgot to mention, my dh resents me for feeling this way too.
Update: Thank you for listening and for having all of the threads on here. I haven’t cried that like in a long time and I think my dh finally understands more. Thank you!
Kristin,
You just got to hang in there, tootse. They won’t be babies forever. If you are feeling super bad, definitely get in touch with councelors, a support group or whatever you have to do to take the edge off. Drinking in the afternoon helps a lot too.
Just kidding.
Hi ladies,Well it’s only 2 weeks until i have my third child of which was not planned at all but life works in mysterious ways sometimes. I am feeling very overwhelmed and honestly terrified. I feel like im living someone elses life and not mine!! It’s a very starnge feeling,i never wanted more then 2 kids and most certainly did not want any boys!! Unfortunately that is what happening now, i will admit in the beginning i was very depressed about havig a boy but im sort of ok with it now… well i kinda have to be hes coming whether i want him to or not. i just dont know if i am going to be able to handle a third,as it is now i am going crazy with the two i have now. omedays i just want to quit,but i cant quit being a mom but i sure wish i could get a vacation. i am loosing alot of sleep over this, does anybody out there have 3 kids? Could you maybe tell what its going to be like. i love my kids to death and would do anything for them but sometimes i really wish i could escape im sure i am not the only mom who feels this way…right? anyways please inlighten me let me know that i will get through this and all will be ok. thanks
Wow, it’s a little scary that so many of us (myself included) found this by Googling. Oddly enough, I found it a couple of weeks ago when I was pregnant and terrified I’d made a huge mistake. Now, things have changed: I had a miscarriage yesterday. I’m horribly sad and disappointed, but I must admit, I feel like I dodged a bullet, too. I’m 40 and I’m really not sure I want to go down this risky road again. Especially if I’m nervous that I’m not cut out to be a mom. Any thoughts?
Hey girls, i lost soo much sleep last night because i was sooo freaked out about the third baby, i already feel soo overwhelmed with the two that i have. It seems like i am always yelling at them,it starts first thing in the morning,they are always arguing about something or fighting over some silly toy or they are tataling on eachother some mornings i just want to die cause i am soooooo tired of repeating the same crap everyday. I know they are still kids but still i get oo frustrated and when i have those days i get soo scared cause i think oh my god and now i am going to have a third to contend with how the hell am i going to do it?!!! i know nobody said parenting would be easy but i had no idea just how hard it would be, i wonder if we were given a manual about what parenthood was really like how many of us would still do it? I just hope that i can handle all the extra responsibility once the baby is here which will be in exactly 2 weeks now. Any thoughts or advice i would really appreciate it especially from anyone that has 3 or more kids. thanks
sooz.. if you’re not sure you’re cut out to be a mum-DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT. especially if you’ve got to forty-by the time your child gets off your back, you’ll be 65.. i’m only 23 and like others said i feel i’ve lost myself, i feel like a bad tempered, haggered old woman.. and i’m about to give my child to my mum for a while, as i’m making everyone miserable, they’re all worrying about me and my son… if only i’d listened to myself when i thought i wasn’t cut out to be a mum.. i was just too young, and thought of abortion as murder… now i see it isn’t that, it isn’t about our beliefs, or saving ourselves, its about saving children from coming into this world and being unwanted and resented… if only someone told us this, its not about us…
Thanks to you all for your feelings …I thought I was feeling sorry for myself but after reading these post I know I’m not alone anymore.
Thanks for the cheering up after reading these post I now know I’m not alone in the way I’, feeling.
Thanks everyone for your posts. I feel so much better after reading them and know now that I’m not alone out there in my thinking . There are times I want to walk out the door and never come, but I know I couldn’t do that. My husband always feels like I have the easiest job in the world by staying home and looking after our kids. It’s like any other job you get tiereed of the same thing day after day and be a stay at home home no one really notices what you do all day ! There’s more stress dealing with kids than going to work full time. I just wish at 5 oclock I could leave my job and go home but it doesn’t work that way . I enjoy being with my kids .
Thanks everyone for your posts. I feel so much better after reading them and know now that I’m not alone out there in my thinking . There are times I want to walk out the door and never come back, but I know I couldn’t do that. My husband always says I have the easiest job in the world by staying home and looking after our kids. It’s like any other job you get bored of the same thing day after day . No one really knows what we mother go through day after day. There’s more stress dealing with kids than going to work full time. I just wish at 5 oclock I could leave my job and go home but it doesn’t work that way . I enjoy being with my kids ,but just wish I had a little grown up time with other Mothers or even my husband.
I too feel much better. Ihave felt like i’ve been slowly falling out of love with my 18 mth old, which is hard to see written down. I think ultimately what appears to be a common factor amongst a lot of us is that we not only do we feel like walking away, we compound this by feeling guilty that we want to walk away. Instead, everyone needs to give themselves a break and a pat on the back and have a little more confidence. Don’t allow yourself to be affected by what your husband does or doesn’t do, or what your toddler does or doesn’t do. know your values, stick to them, love your children but more importantly LOVE YOURSELF and they will too
Am I surprised…or Am I SURPRISED!!!!
Running a fever of 104…I still had to worry if she had her meds…& food…and has pooped or not (her constipation is one of the major woes in my life). I spent my b’day in the hospital with her undergoing some treatment for her constipation related probs…and yes I was alone. Call me a coward but its terrible to see her go thru an enema…and injections and XYZee
. I dunno if I am a bad mom….but it hurts.
There are actually so many people who feel the same.
I just got up from a bad bout of Viral….DH was kind enough to take a day off so that I wouldnt have to worry abt my 19 mo old daughter….but wtf yaar….the responsibility still lies with us…her meds…her food…her pooping…….I mean I felt like jumping out of the window
Its not that we dont love our babies its that 24X7X365 responsibility which is overwhelming………and then when you crib….your family looks at you as if you are being an inhuman mom…they will point at your baby and say…look at her…such a sweet kid….do u think u could possible live without her? Damn man….dont they understand its not her which sucks….its the situation….the every day situation. Its so easy for DH to say….u know I feel u r giving in to her too much…I feel u shud at times let her Cry It Out………bugger how much crying can u take in 24 hrs…and to top that I am a Work from home mom……….to anyone who wants to try this option…lemme tell you, you’ll screw your life big time. You’ll end up messing & failing at home & at work….I had always been regarded as a top performer at work….now I am always at the end of the ladder
I mean I would do anything…call me selfish if you want….to spend an entire day by myself…alone. Not having to worry abt food…work…laundry…baby…..DH….inlaws…whew!!!Amen….I sincerely wish…
I am so glad to know that I’m not alone. Things are really bad right now and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Thank you for this…
I feel alone at times …what can I do so I don’t feel alone ??
I don’t even like myself anymore . All I want to do is cry ,sleep or eat my loniless away… how much fun am I to my kids? I’m cring as I write this out. I just need a hug and someone to tell me things will get better .
I don’t see any light at the end of this journey.
Hey stressedmom,where is your husband? does he know how your feeling? I can relate to how you feel in october of 2007 i found out that i was pregnant with my third child,and i was not happy about it i was so miserable i wanted to die! I went through so many emotional ups and downs i cant even expalin to you what it was like for me for nine months i cried and suffered thank god for my husband and my kids if it werent for the support of my husband and the love from my kids i might not be here right now. While i was pregnant my dr put me on several anti depressents none of which worked i had major anxiety and i couldnty sleep at night!! Irt was litterally like living in hell but there is light at the end of the tunnel i promise maybe you should try and talk to a dr about how your feeling especially if your husband is not there for you! I was soo freaked out about having athird baby i made life for every one around me a living hell. But the day my son was born everything just went away all my fears all my axieites everything i was so in love with my new baby i couldnt beleive what i had put myself through and everyone else for the last nine months.I feel soo much better now though i do have to admit i feel lonely at times too cause most of my friends that have kids are working moms and im a stay at home mom so it can get lonely, do you have any mom friends that you could hang out with ? Hey maybe if you live in montreal which is where i live we could get together anyways hang in there it will always get better i speak from a ton of exsperience!
Thanks for the advice Kristin . It seems like no matter what I do say it’s never really matters to my husband. If I telll him anything about my day it’s just not that imporant because I’m a stay at home Mom .All my freinds are working moms , no one on our block stays home either,so I’m alone all day with my kids which I love but at the end of a day I’d like to have someome ask me how my day was. and really listen to what I have to say.
My husband and I do nothing together anymore whick dosen’t help the way I feel about myself. He just dosen’t want to do anything with me but, if his buddies call then he’s ready to go with them. I’ve told him this but all he ever says is that I’m being a BITCH about it.
I think I just need get away and think about whats happening to me. I can’t even remeber when i’ve a a day to myself and do what I’d like .
Thanks again .
wow stressed mom i have to say that your husband sounds like a jerk sorry but thats is the way it seems. I feel for you cause without the support of your husband who do you really have to lean on? Being a stay at home mom is the toughest job ever!!! its obvious that your husband thinks that its a walk in the park when that couldnt be further from the truth. THANK GOD my husband totally knows how hard it is and thanks me everyday for all that i do and he is always ready to take over if i need a break he works out of the house ,plus on saterdays i always make plans to do things with friends or family or just by myself so i get a break. Maybe you could get your husband to give you a day on the weekened where you could go out and relax do something for yourself. I really feel for you but if you ever want someone to talk to i am here everyday just checking things out btw do you live in montreal? Anyways hang in there things always have a way of working themselves out. Btw how old r u?
also if he thinks its soo easy maybe he should take your place for a few days im sure that would change his mind in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!
i doubt hed last a day!
I HAVE to ask you all: Did you have bad relationships with your moms? I have 3 little boys, who I love, but I never want to play with them, I make their dad do everything with them. I have the “I had them now you play with them” mentality….my mother (she passed away 2 years ago) and I had a horrible relationship, and none of it was my fault, and I can say that without vain, because it is a fact. I was the youngest of seven kids. She had me when she was 43, back in 1973. My mother was emotionally unstable at times, but she always made ME feel like a loser. She was fat, but she picked on me for being overweight. I developed anorexia in highschool, lost tons of weight, and then she criticized me for being too thin! My older brother sexually abused me when I was 6. I told my mother about it when I was 17 (by the way, I am 34 years old now), and she waved it off like no big deal. She had also physically abused me when i was little until I got too big to hit (I am 5′9″), then it became mental. Right up until she died I spent so much effort trying to buy her love, trying to get her to ‘like’ me…nothing worked. Anyway, now I think I am a HORRIBLE mom. I scream and yell and go beserk. I know I have depression, I know I should get on anti-depressants. Also, I have NO friends and I am an incredibly lonely stay-at-home mom. I bet a lot of you ladies have depression due to childhood pain from abuse/bad mothering towards you as kids. Any response would be quite helpful to me right now, thanks.
Thank you, Thordora, for this page. Judging from the way you respond to our comments and comfort us, I think you MUST be a terrific mother, whether you realize it or not.
Betty (who posted in April 2008): I hope you’re still reading this page, because I want to thank you for your awesome post. Your words rang so true that I actually copied and pasted your entire post to my email. Here are the quotes from your post that I resonate most with:
“I cannot stand the do-gooder emails about how precious our kids are and how grateful we should be. For what?” (Amen, sister! Nothing to be grateful for.)
“I truly wish that I could say, oh but it’s all worth it when they, you know, smile or give you a hug, but you know what? It’s not. It’s just not. It’s just guilt induced garbage to bang on about what precious little angels they are.” (Oh my god, you have no idea how spot-on you are about that. The smiles and hugs just don’t cut it for me, either.)
“Every time I do some kind of kid activity I feel like another couple of thousand brain cells have died.” (Giggle! I too hate those weekends filled with mind-numbing kid activities.)
“The immediate loss of spontaneity in one’s life crippled me with grief. It is absolutely devastating, in a way that few women express, to have your personal freedom completely and permanently obliterated once you have given birth.” (This was my greatest grief upon having my first child, too.)
You women out there are wonderful, and I’m so glad we all have this chance to share our thoughts.
I find this all so curious. How many of you have commented, “I thought I was the only one who hated motherhood” (paraphrased)? Doesn’t EVERYONE in their right mind hate it, at least some of the time?
Motherhood sucks. Sure, there are some rewards, but most of the time you end up sacrificing everything that matters to you:
Your health
Your time
Your money
Your emotional stability
Your relationship with your partner
Your freedom
Your job performance and promotion
Your enjoyment of adult activities
I feel that parenthood in America is a big conspiracy, maybe led by the government. A country obviously wants more kids in order to ensure continual economic well-being. So how do you get people to reproduce, even if they’re not striving for parenthood? By LIES, LIES, LIES about how wonderful it is. And shutting up the voices that say, “The truth is, it actually sucks.”
Parenthood here is like a cult religion. There is a shroud of secrecy about things you’re not allowed to say, such as how awful it can be some of the time (most of the time). You have to brainwash people into believing that something is wonderful when in fact it’s not.
I hope – and I think – this is changing, at least in some parts of the world like Europe. I don’t know much about how parenthood is viewed in Canada, or other parts of the world.
I also googled the phrase “don’t like being a mom’ and found this website and was relieved to know that I was not the only one. I once read that women go through a grieving process after birth and I can truly see it. I have been married for 9 years this August and just graduated from law school in may. We had our first child this june. It was a very difficult birth and she was in the NICU for a week. I couldn’t hold her for the first 5 days of her life. She is perfectly healthy now and six weeks old. But i feel that really affected my being able to bond with her. She is also not an easy baby. It seems like if she is awake she is constantly fussing about something. I also swear she doesn’t sleep the supposed 15 hours a day either. It makes me resent her for the constantly demanding every last second of my attention if she is awake. I can’t even go to the bathroom it seems if she is awake. It makes me hate being a mother. I have to say I wasn’t exactly the model for a pregnant woman either. I didn’t talk about babies and I wanted to avoid the topic all together whenever I could. I knew it meant the end of my freedom. Then I feel guilt because I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, that I should be happy to be a mom. My sister in law just found out she can’t have kids and is devastated and it makes me feel like a horrible person.
I think i get frustrated to because there is no interaction with her because she is so young. All she does is eat, poop, and cry. There is no mommy i love you or hugs to even remotely make up for the bad days. I wonder how women can love babies honestly. I think maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mother, maybe I was to selfish of a person to have children.
Then i read a post above that said something about whether a person was happy before they had children by dr. phil and i suppose that is right as well. Because I have never been one of those overly happy bubbly people. But it is a relief to know that I am not the only one that feels this way about motherhood.
I also have to say that I am blessed with an extremely supportive husband. He knows its hard being a mom and does his best to give me breaks. And we have discussed my feelings and he has felt the same way about being a father, so its not just mom’s feeling this way either. I think some men are just better about avoiding the emotional end of things.
But I think for people who are not parents they can never truly know. Its just like I read about the first days of baby being home, say the discovery channel show about babies first day home, but nothing prepares you for your own emotion and problems. No amount of reading or watching other people’s kids (which i never did) can prepare you for actually being a parent. Its like the first year of law school for me. I imagined it would be unbelievable hard and impossible and people told me about it, but you just don’t know until you experience it yourself. the same goes double for being a parent. i might even say triple for being a parent.
its just sad, i thought i would find some answers, i thought somebody would say how everything gets better after… but i think motherhood is just a trap
its sad to find out that probably i will always feel like i died after i gave birth
To Leena (and all us other moms here):
It DOES get better. It gets better after they leave for college. I wouldn’t know firsthand because my kids are nowhere near college-age yet. But here’s what two writers had to say on that topic:
“The empty nest is underrated.” – Nora Ephron, in her book I Feel Bad About My Neck
“For most of us, life only gets better after the kids fly the coop.” – Annie Finnigan, in a Family Circle article
I googled “cannot handle my children” and came across this website. I am so glad to find I am not the only mother out there who wants to “run away” sometimes. I love my children and could NEVER abandon them as much as the thought runs through my head these days. On top of being a full time mother and housewife/maid, I have the added stress of working full time from home getting paid on production, which is impossible these days with the kids needing as much as they do; they are kids they depend on you for everything and they are always my first priority, but I find myself resenting their dependency on me because I cant work to make bills nor can I afford childcare for the 2 of them so that I can work. I have a recently turned 3 year old boy and an almost 6 year old girl. They fight CONSTANTLY, are into everything they shouldnt be, it takes 20 plus minutes every time just to try to discipline them and put them in a time out for misbehaving which seems to be every 10 minutes. They cant sit still for more than 2 or 3 minutes and it drives me crazy. I end up working 8-10 hours a day 6-7 days a week and only making a part-time salary. I am at the end of my rope, at a loss, I just dont know what to do anymore…………
Hi Ladiea what i think that we are forgetting is, we too were once kids as well,and are parents went through the same crap that we are going through and they made it through ok. So needless to say I am pretty sure we will too. If being a parent was soo horrible then we woudln’t be having kids anymore. No one said that it was going to be easy,being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding job that we will ever have in our lives,and yes i do think that a bit of us or rather a part of us dies in a sense when we have kids because now it’s not all about us!I think the reason we feel that way ,well at least us stay at home moms is because we don’t have a job to go to we don’t always get adult conversation we don’t have a daily escape so to speak and i think that makes a feel like we are not a valid member of society because we don’t have a JOB. But we really do ,like i said being a mom especially a stay at home mom,is the hardest toughest most agonizing job ever!!! But I know that no matter what stage my kids are going through, I know it won’t last forever and i also know that even though on some days i wish i didn’t have kids that when they are all grown up and living their own lives… i will long for those days of nit picking crying temper tntrums and sleepless nights!!!!!!!!! So as much as we complain I think we just want to know that everything will get better..and it will,why? because nothing lasts forever!
Thank God for this. I’m a 21 year old new mother/full time student/part time worker. It feels so good to see the feelings in my heart and head put to words through other mothers….I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and not feel so alone. hallelujah.
WoW! All theses comments have hit home. I keep thinking, I’m not made to be a mom. I feel no joy or happiness being a mother. I love my 6yr and 4yr old boys but now I need a break from all the fighting, yelling, running, wrestling and toys. There never is any quiet time!!! Does it make me selfish if I inform my husband that I want a divorce and for him to have full custody of the boys? He is a great dad and they love him and all the “manly” things they do together, all I seem to do with them is yell and scream. I’m told by friends if I do leave them I’m being selfish and I will damage them. But I feel if I stay my unhappiness and resentment will damage them. What are your thoughts?
Is it so bad that you actually want to leave them, or you just think about it? That’s the big difference. I get sad, agitated, furious, overwhelmed, etc. to the point that I need to scream, take a drive, give my 6 week old to her father and leave for a while. But as soon as I take a breathe, relax a little, I can’t wait to try it again. I love that little girl as if she was my own heart taken from my body. She is my world. My world just happens to have a lot of frustration and overwhelms me lately. You’re boys are 4 and 6, very hard ages as far as listening goes, etc. It gets better. Now I only know this from others personal experiences, but I know that leaving would not be a good choice, unless you A. don’t love them or B. don’t trust yourself around them anymore. Just my thoughts. I’m not a female Dr. Phil or anything…nor do I pretend to be
Good Luck. Do whats in your heart….never fails.
I feel like a flake sometimes, pretending that I always enjoy staying at home with the kids…I have dealt with depression my entire life and have not taken anything for it, but now, pregnant with my third child, it’s really hit home that maybe I DO need something for this…Sometimes I just want to walk out of my house. I can deal with a lot, but there are days when I feel like my head might explode…Just another mess for me to clean up, though…:) I get so tired of being needed and when I talk to my husband, he just sighs and nods. It’s not that he doesn’t care~it’s that he doesn’t know what to do. I used to tell people “Oh, those feelings are purely selfish and you need to fake it if you can’t feel it for real…” But now, I have to admit that “ditto~I feel the same exact way…” Sometimes I don’t want to play with lego’s, or my little ponies. Sometimes I don’t want to cook dinner or clean the laundry. Sometimes I jsut want to sit in the bathroom and stare out the window. It’s the only room in the house where I can lock myself away. I can only do that so many times before I realize that even that doesn’t work and that when I walk out of that tiny room (we only have one bathroom, so it’s not like I can stay in there forever…) my children and my husband will still be there, asking me for things and food and diaper changes. I love my babies with all my heart and I would die for them. Sometimes I get so low that I wonder if that’s what’s happening. I’m dying inside trying to make them happy, keep them fed and clean and entertained. Motherhood can be so joyful, but there are days when it feels like nothing but long, dark halls. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only one who has to walk down them. I’m sorry we all feel this way and have to leave comments on a blog to be heard and understood. Thank you for writing the post.
I guess I should clarify that I have spent the last 3 yrs raising my boys alone and working fulltime as a nurse. My husband was in Iraq for 18 months ( I had my 4yr while he was deployed) he is now back in the US but works for homeland security so he is often away for weeks at a time. Soon he will be home for good and my debate is to work as a travel nurse to get “away” or to divorce and to continue living my life on my own as I have been. If I do this I know I will go insane to have the boys with me fulltime.
I so understand. That was me today and many days. I don’t think anyone ( unless you are a mom) understand what we go through with our kids on a day to day basis. I sometimes think of just leaving and never coming back, sometimes I want to crawl in a corner and never come out. I feel like a bad mother and wife. I am a stay at home mom, so I am with my children all the time. My husband gives me the “look of death” when the children misbehave. Like it’s something that I am doing. Who knows, maybe it is something that I am doing. It’s sad that mom’s feel like this, life is so short and we shouldn’t have to deal with this on our own. I love my kids…I just wish life could be a little easier. I just hope I don’t go insane anytime soon. Because I feel like I am not myself anymore and I don’t like being a mean mom.
Anyone here leave a good man and their kids becuase of PPD? We have a friend who has done this recently for no real good reason and think she might have PPD. She had 2 kids in 11 months both by C section and has been on depression meds and sleeping aides for 2 yrs. She isn’t like the person we knew. What can we do to help? Her DH is devastated and her kids dazed [ 2yr and 3yr in oct] . All happening very fast [last 4 months] Any suggestions?
To TAM: what the he**? Your husband gives YOU the look of death if the kids misbehave? He should be giving himself the look of death – what is he doing to try to make their lives better? A SAHM can’t be expected to do everything. He sounds like a complete… well, I won’t say what he sounds like. But it’s time you give him a piece of your mind.
Kids misbehave no matter how much their parents train them. You are not to blame for everything.
Thank you all,
I am so relieved (although very empathetic to everyone on this site) that my husband and I don’t have children. I really never wanted them to begin with and any residual ambivalence has now been obliterated.
Good luck to all of you. I hope your kids grow up to take really great care of you in your old age and give you all the grand kids you deserve for your years of sacrifice!!! Thankless little SH**S!
TAM- I know what you mean! I’m a stay at home mom and will take on the task of that and going to school in the fall. Still no idea how that is going to take place, I hate the thought of daycare. My fiance comes home and the first thing I do is hand off my 8 week old to him, so I can shower, etc. He looks at me as if he’s been at work all day and should get time off. He tells me I should do things when she naps…um, yeah, I do ‘do’ things when she naps, its called your fucking laundry, dishes, cleaning your house, etc! I’m sick of not having a helping father for my child. Nights are HORRIBLE!!! He cusses and throws shit around when I ask him to ‘get her this one time’…she is HIS responisblity too!!! I didnt get myself pregnant! I don’t know how much longer I can take this….I think what I really need is I can’t handle being a single mother because I have a lousy father to my child blog….
I’m glad to have read this. I’ve been a mom for less than a month and I’m just not into it. I wasn’t into my pregnancy either. I kept pushing through as though I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t demand special Princess Preggo treatment, want extra rest, or anything like that. I worked full time, went to school part time. The time that the baby was due, I decided that I would not take the quarter off from school, just a week to recover. I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel but it will just lead to harsh judgment. It’s like, if you aren’t into being a mom or a parent in our society, especially after you’re already expecting or have a kid, you’re some kind of evil.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby a lot. He’s very sweet. But, I just don’t feel a connection to him, or an excitement for what each day brings with him like all these other moms say they feel
I became a first time mom at 43. I’m now 47 and am going out of my mind. My son is hyperactive and I am an introvert (i.e,. need my quiet time). Needless to say, it’s pushed me to the edge. I’m tired all of the time, irritable, angry, depressed. I left my job of 20 years when I became a mom and the isolation and boredom of being a SAHM is mind-numbing. Why doesn’t anyone tell you how it really is BEFORE you have kids? I get maybe 2 minutes of joy a day from my son. The rest is sheer hell. I feel guilty saying that. I love him more than life itself, but I have lost my self entirely in the process of having him. To say I’m miserable would be an understatement. Were our moms as unhappy or is it harder to be a mom today? I just can’t figure it out.
I’m glad I found this post. Misery does love company
!
Hello all you fabulous mums out there.
Shana, I’m so glad you connected to my raving, sometimes after the keyboard purge , I feel like such a whinging downer! But boy, does it help connecting.
Sometimes when everything is pushing me to the edge I’ll just come back and view this site, and it puts things back in to perspective. I’m not alone. I ‘m not some one-off useless incompetent psycho-mum – most women experience these feelings to varying degrees.
I can report that am in a much better place than when I last wrote. Couldn’t really be any worse.
School has REALLY REALLY helped. So hang in there mums, it comes around pretty quickly and there is some REAL relief there.
Midlife mom I hear you loud and clear. You desperately need to do what I didn’t. Find time for yourself. You have got to find a way to reclaim some space for yourself. I always feel like I have a block of wood on my shoulders and my son is like a wood pecker and that if I don’t have some peace and quiet I’ll go crazy. Force yourself to make time for yourself. I know you probably are feeling so bad that you don’t even have the energy or desire to do anything, but please push through that feeling, and start fuelling that brain with something other than junior. It really will help.
I remember when things were at there worst for me when my son was 2 and a half and had slept through for more than about 10 nights since he was born, I started going to a yoga class every Friday. I still go and I really think that calm time saved my bacon. It mightn’ t be yoga but just get some time out. It sounds basic but it really really will help you reclaim even a little bit of ourself. And bit by bit we must do that.
Lady Luck you hit the nail on the head, about not feeling an excitement about what the day brings. Do your best, try not to feel guilty about not experiencing motherhood the way the glossy mags tell us we should. If your baby is fed and warm and safe you’re doing a brilliant job. I felt nothing but grief in those first weeks so you are really not alone. The good news is, things will improve. They will. They may get worse befroe they do, but they will.
You really are ALL fabulous. Keep the faith mammas and in your darkest times, come back here and you’ll feel better!
Betty
So…after googling, “don’t want to be a mom anymore”, I’ve read over a year-and-a-half of replies to Thor’s initial post and I am *nearly* speechless.
First, I am not alone.
Second, I am not a freak.
Third, now what?
I too wish I could walk off into the sunset and go back to my life. I’ve done it a time or two, but the reality is, without a college education I couldn’t support myself, and any friends or family I tried to seek shelter with would just send me home after a tongue-lashing about responsibility.
How many of you didn’t really have a foul mouth before motherhood? Did you look at people who used the “f” word with a “shame-on-you” look of death? I sure did. For me it’s a sign of utter overload. We had six kids in ten years, now ages 16 to 7. I’ll say it–I had the stupid idea that children would somehow fulfill that part of me that was still missing. It would have been a hell of a lot cheaper to get a loan, get a degree, and get a life.
Motherhood feels so futile. I swear I could record a cassette tape of the things I say every day, push play, walk out the door, and not be missed for weeks.
I’m rambling. My point is, now what? I’m angry–no furious–that this is my life now. I’m sad for my kids–they deserve more than I can give them. I HONESTLY, from the bottom of my heart, KNOW THAT MY FAMILY WOULD BE HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF without me here. I’m mad with society that it continues to perpetuate the myths of parenthood. And yet the responsibility of finishing what I started keeps me here. So how do I live with that? Tried therapy–wasted a lot of money and got nowhere. Can you relate? HOW CAN I FINISH THIS MARATHON OF MOTHERING WITHOUT LOSING MY MIND OR WORSE?
Why do people not even blink twice when they hear that a dad walked out on his family, but their jaws dropped and are shocked when a mom does or even says she wish she could?
What stops you all from just packing a bag and walking away?
How can you raise good kids, happy kids if you are not yourself?
A few comments to the mothers who most recently wrote here:
Betty, so glad to hear that you’re doing better. I’m doing the same as you: coming back to this website every time I’m frustrated with motherhood. By doing so, I not only realize that I’m not alone, I also realize that some moms here have it much worse than I do… like Kati.
Kati, I don’t know how you even managed to last this long. Your basic question seems to be, how do you keep on going? I’m sorry I don’t know the answer to that, and can only offer you sympathy and a few suggestions:
1. Get help if you can afford it, from babysitters or grandparents or friends. Or ask your husband to take more of certain burdens, either in childcare or in housework. Go out by yourself to exercise or to a bookstore or coffeeshop, or on a date with your husband or friend.
2. From the way you write, it’s obvious that you’re extremely intelligent and insightful, and that you should go back to college as soon as one or more of your children leaves home. It will be a struggle, of course, but education is worth SO MUCH that I don’t want you to give up hope. It gives you a degree so that you can find jobs more easily. But more importantly, it gives you knowledge that no one can ever take from you. You go, girl. It’s odd; I don’t even know you, but I am rooting so much for you.
rbmc, you are absolutely right. I can only offer you my story of why I don’t pack up a bag and leave: I made a promise to my husband and intend to keep it, even when motherhood feels intolerable. Deep inside, I believe in karma: that if you do what is right, you will ultimately have more peace and maybe even good things will come to you. This is not to say that leaving is always wrong – you know best in this case. But take time to consider what it would mean to your husband and kids, and ask yourself if leaving them is something you could live with for the rest of your life.
Hang in there mothers. We’re all in this together, taking on the hardest job of all.
Thank you Shana!
Let me add my voice to the chorus. I’m a single mother to a 17 year old boy. His father is not helpful and we broke up shortly after he was born. I’ve had problems with him ever since he was little. When I would break down around people when he was 2 or 3 they would ask me if I was premenstrual or having a bad day…surely a little child can’t unnerve you! What will you do when he’s a teenager? Well I guess I’ve been having 17 years of PMS because that is what nearly every day feels like. I really HATE being a mother. I don’t know if it’s because of a ‘bad fit’ between my temperament and his…maybe if I had a different type of child my experience would have been different? (I like quiet, solitude, introspection, refined activities while he is the extrovert, gregarious, boisterous, mercurial type). Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother to anyone (I have a tendency towards depression). We’ve had regular power struggles from toddlerhood to the teens. I’ve ‘broken down’ many times over the years. Have punched through windows, contemplated suicide, thought about just getting on a bus and disappearing. I love my son which is why I have not offed myself or abandoned him ( my father walked away when I was young and my mother gave me to my grandmother when I was 12 so didn’t want to just ‘throw’ him away). I’m just really really really unhappy. Particularly right now…I’ve not slept all night and it’s nearly time for me to go to work. I’m just up crying and surfing and finding a little bit of solace on this forum. I feel like sH and am so tired of it all. With the economy the way it is and his lack of motivation he won’t be moving out anytime soon. I’m very unahppy and see no way out. I love my son but he deserves better and I really really really need to be pardoned from this horrible mistake I made.
BTW my son is seeing a therapist about his school/motivation issues but his therapist is not making much progress with him either. I’m just *lost*
wastedlife – I am so sorry for all the crap and suffering you’ve had to go through and are still going though , that goes for you too Kati. Hats off to you both. You are both stronger and smarter and more together than you’ll ever know.
In some impossible way, we must ride out the excruciating ambivalence of motherhood : You love you child/ children; yet you hate being a mother.
And there for many years we dangle; suspended in the torturous divided oblivion of Motherhood.
Come back here and gather your strength for the next round. For some of us it gets easier, for other’s it gets harder or just plain stays the same. Keep the faith that things will improve, you both deserve to get back to a time in your life that’s sweeter. And you will.
Don’t forget to take some of that enormous strength that you’ve been using to bear your difficult situations to tackle them as well. Tackle them any way you can and affect some change. Even the smallest change you can make for the better, will reignite a belief in you that things could actually GET BETTER. They could BE BETTER than they are right now. Bit by bit by bit.
Do whatever you can to find some glimmer of light. Get out of the house. Walk. Listen to music. Stick your head right down nature’s throat, I mean smell the dirt and the rain and the flowers. Sit in the sun or slop around in the snow, or crunch through some Autumn leaves. Nature IS a real tonic for hoplessness. It helps put things in perspective.
Kati. Six kids. Man. What can I say. Try doing one tiny thing that makes it more bearable. Then add another and another. Think of things that would make it more bearable and work towards incorporating those things in to your day to day existence. I don’t know. It’s what I would do.
Try getting as much time as you can away from the kids. Easy to say, I know. But when you are experiencing it the way you are, YOU HAVE GOT TO GET MORE TIME OUT. DOCTORS ORDERS. TIME OUT. TIME OFF. I know they are all still there and IT’S still all there and that’s totally depressing, BUT if you have a break at least you can have some time for your own thoughts and needs – and that is healthy. Even just to have some peace and quiet – YOU NEED IT. It’s not a luxury, you actually NEED it for your sanity. I always think- what’s the point? But actually there is a point – it makes you FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.
wastedlife. Single mum. Difficult child. Tough, tough, tough job! Well done. You’re both still here.
But you know – you are pardoned. And by the way, pardon yourself. Let yourself off the hook. Your ARE a good mum, I can hear it in you. You love your difficult boy. All of us are imperfect and just do what we can. It’s all we can do. Do what we can and try, just try, bit by bit to turn things around when they get really bad.
Your boy WILL grow up. He WILL move out.
Yours is NOT a wasted life. You have many many good years ahead of you, so start thinking about living them NOW … and also get some sleep!
Things WILL get better, They WILL!
I am sorry for your sadness, both of you. You are NOT alone.
Keep the faith Mammas.
Betty
Hi all!!
Obviously I am reading this because i feel the same way too—-
Life is a constant struggle with a 20 yr old (away at college) who thinks we owe her the world — In NJ we have to pay for her college because we are divorced- its the law- so I have no choice but to pay for it all while she ungratefully takes and takes and when she is home for breaks she does absolutely NOTHING to help me.
I have a 16yr old son who barely passes though he scores super high on all standardized tests so he is not as dumb as he acts – just lazy and a trouble maker- we are in school one week already and he has detention already which messes up my work schedule and his- he probably will lose his little part time job now because of the detentions.
I have to push him every night to do his homework and study or he would have been held back 6 times already- I work full time have a house and a dog and then have to come home take him to his part time job and pick him up- I have to help and push him to do the two hours of homework every night while he tells me how stupid school is–
I ask myself daily WHY? what is this all for?? In retrospect if I had to do it all again I never would have had kids
Hi Mary… did you know the site you’re referring people to, and the blogs that site links to, are part of a network of Scientology inspired, if not financed, anti-psychiatry and anti-medication sites? Well you sure do now.
Here are some sites you can look at, please check them out and pass them on:
http://www.scientology-kills.org/index.html
http://exscientologykids.org/index.html
http://theframeproblem.wordpress.com/
Thank you all. I just spent 2 hours talking with my husband about how I want to walk out on our family. I have two young boys and I never wanted kids. I know they are my responsibility and I made this choice but I regret it every day. I have the dream life–a great education, wonderful career and business life, awesome husband, home, etc, and I am just so miserable having to come home and mother every day and I dread weekends. It isn’t their fault, they don’t deserve a mother like this, but I can’t imagine walking away either–the guilt would eat me alive. I have tried so many things–years of therapy, life coaching, medication (I’m currently off the Zoloft I was on for 1 year–maybe should go back on). I get plenty of breaks and time away and dates with my husband…why am I still so unhappy so much of the time? I really, truly hate being a mother.
That is the same question I have been asking myself. The only answer that makes sense to me is…I’ve lost the “person” I was and should be. For some people I guess marriage and kids is a good thing that helps them grow as a person, become better. Not me! I’ve lost my identity. I liked the the old me!!
Miserable Mom and rbmc: may I suggest that you are asking yourselves the wrong question. In my mind, the real question is: “Why SHOULDN’T I be unhappy so much of the time?”
I mean, who cares if we have a supportive husband, frequent breaks, dates, etc? That doesn’t change the fact that we DO need a “break” from something; i.e., raising kids. If we didn’t want kids in the first place, then motherhood could be considered analogous to having a chronic disease (sorry if that sounds crude). You could have the most supportive husband in the world, but that doesn’t miraculously make you happy about having the disease, nor does it make the problem go away. All it means is that you have a cool husband.
So you can be grateful for THAT, but there’s no need for you to be grateful for something you didn’t want.
Very true!
This is a really lovely and honest post that, for some strange reason, just made me feel a whole lot better/”normal”.
Hi,
I’m a single mom of a 13 year old son. I’m in a depression but managed to get out of bed this morning. I’m still running into some same issues. I was dignosed after my son was born at 13.5 ounces though looking back I discovered that depression has been with me since about age 11. I’m also a recovering alcoholic and addict. I’m coming up on 2 years, go meetings daily and have a sponsor.
My husband and were doing ok with raising our son until my husband died from an aneurysm. It’s been hard ever since.
I had 5 years of sobriety and went back out. I gave my son to my parents for 2 years and now he’s back home.
I’m so scared to admit this but it’s hard being a parent when you’re alone, suffering with depression, never wanted to be a parent – especially one that has a learning and social disablilty, and working a recovery program and NEVER WANTED TO BE one. I know my son is my responsibility it’s just been harder now than ever. I’ve had thoughts of giving him to my parents again but there’s more of me that wants to really try. Right now I’m in a pretty bad depression and need help, advice…anything.
Well I can’t let that post just sit there without saying something!
Hi PJ. Oh lordy! Just have a read back over what you are dealing with. It’s absolutely massive! And you’re doing it. Day by day. Bit by bit. Two years along. That is fantastic!
Yes – it is hard being a parent and dealing with all the issues that you are. The fact that you can acknowledge it, is a good. thing. It is REALLY hard. There isn’t a person in the world who wouldn’t find what you are having to go through extremely difficult.
I hope your sponsor can support you more at this difficult time. I really hope for you and your son that you can hang in there. As you say in your post, there’s more of me that wants to really try. Keep digging deep and doing your best, it’s all you can do. Get through each day. And slowly slowly things will change for the better, if that’s what you work towards.
Your son may not understand it all now, but when he is older he will look back and understand how hard you have tried to pull it all together and go on. He will be proud of you.
Good luck. Keep the faith. Things WILL get better.
Betty
I am so glad I found this. I also googled I hate being a mom and found this. I am 24 , a single mother of a 3 yr old son Riley, and a full time student. I just decided to quit school cause I am so overwhelmed I cant breathe. I am looking for a job and not finding anything. I am so scared that I am going to lose my mind if something doesnt give. I am constitently miserable and bitter. I spend most nights crying and wishing I could run away from my life. I love my boy so much and I know I could never live without him, but alot of days I just want to start finding myself. I am so unhappy that know one even wants to be around me and I feel so bad for Riley. He is not unhappy, he is just not used to being told no. His dad let him do anything and I always was the bad guy. And now his dad is out of our lives (thank god) and all I am is trying to fix three years worth of mistakes by myself. I have no friends and cant control my son most days so I dont hardly ever go to parks. It is nice to know I am not the only person who is miserable as a mom.
wow… its so nice to know i’m not alone. My daughter was born November 3rd, 2006 and from the moment she came out i was hit with a horrible wave of postpartum depression. for the first six months of her life i didnt “love” her (i know now that i did, but the depression kept it hidden from me). I feel robbed and cheated out of those first six months. and everyone who i know who’s had kids has not went through this. i was just listening to my newest mom friend (sons not quite two months) talk about how amazing it is and how she loved him from the moment he was born. I had always wanted kids and since i’ve gotten my wish i’ve wanted nothing but to turn away. I was on antidepressants for 13 months until i was able to feel normal without them. Now i’m expecting my second in april and this one was concieved the same way my daughter was, broken condom. i knew i wanted a second one, but i didnt even want to start trying until april…
this has been a depressing pregnancy and i find myself freaking out more and more as time goes on. i even had some days where i thought about getting an abortion and just telling everyone i miscarried. i just know PPD is going to happen again with how this depression is already starting and i’m really scared about it and what may happen. with my daughter i used to wish she’d get SIDS so she’d go away. i even recited that line from labyrinth wishing the goblin king to take her away…
i’m kicking myself right now for not taking the plan b pill when this happened…
i just want to walk away and never come back, but i love my husband too much and could never put him through that and i know i couldnt live with myself to abandon my daughter like that.
i know i’m not alone, but i have no one in real life who knows how i feel and i just cant talk to them about it because unless you’ve felt like this, you just dont get it.
Melissa,
Some antidepressants are safe during pregnancy. Go to a doctor who respects PPD and get whatever will help you have a better experience this time — not that you can necessarily avoid PPD altogether, but with help you can make it more manageable.
Do you do well with your daughter now?
Marcy,
well, i am doing MUCH better with her. she just turned two on november 3rd and had always been a great listener, so i struggle with the days she tests me. and i havent been getting much sleep and being pregnant ontop of that, lol.
but things are better with her then when they started out. its just i have trouble with the loss of freedom that comes with parenting.
I understand. My little one turns two next week. I have a hard time balancing my time so that I can do some of what I want and need and also be available to her. It helps me a lot to remember that the testing is important for their sense of security — they need to know the limits are there and firm. I constantly remind myself to stay firm, but to be compassionate and respectful.
Hoping things get better for you.
[...] when I look at the comments for “I cannot handle being a mother anymore“, 185 responses later, and hear the voices yelling “hear hear!” and [...]
Im 22 with 2 kids. (3 years and 4 months) My partner works full time. I am struggling so much right now. I mean my partner releaves me for breaks every saturday hense why i feel like a failure. I mean its not like i dont get a break because i do. He also helps out heaps when his home. But when its just me i cannot cope!
This morning for example my 3 year old wouldnt stop pulling my hair while i was trying to feed my baby. When i gave him no reaction after 15 mins of pulling he starts hitting my baby. I tell him off so he starts screaming meanwhile my baby is screaming to. I try to calm my baby down then my 3 year old starts yelling put him down out him down play with me and starts hitting himself! The phone starts ringing so i try to get to the phone with bubs in my arms i trip on the toys that are on the floor (lucky bubs didnt get hurt) Then i froze and it was like there was no noise just the noise of my sobs as i realised I cannot handle it anymore! I cannot handle life.
Dont get me wrong i love my kids to death but after laying in bed for the last 3 months thinking about how good it would be to fall asleep and not wake up i am now offically scared. I shouldnt be thinking these thoughts but they are the only time i am happy now and i dont know what to do.
I am lost and want to find me again, but i think me went along time ago and i dont know how to find her again
Hi Everyone,
I just got to work after a very frustrating morning with my kids.
I have 11, 9 and 8 yr old boys. I am 29 an only child aho has lived @ home forever. I have been on my own now for a year. And while it was bliss in the first 2 months, hell did no wait another month. I started to get stressed and frustrated with my boys, when my fiance’ who is not their father, had to deploy to Iraq in February of this year. My boys began to get on my last nerve. They were constantly bickering and fighting over everything from who’s bathing fisrt to who is sitting in the front seat of the car. And today just took a toll on me. I called my mom and told her I don’t want them anymore and that I was taking them to DCF and giving up my parental rights. I went on to say that I am leaving and no one will ever hear from me again. My mom said that she will get them. Because she can’t phathom them in the state’s care. I told her not to come looking for me because I’m changing my identity. She don’t worry I will get them. then I came to work and I googled the words- what do you do if you don’t feel like you can continue to take care of your kids. And this was one of the links so I clicked it. To find that I am not in anyway alone. All of our circumstances may not be the same, but we all have one thing in common that connected us. After reading some of the other posts, I feel much better. I realized that I needed to vent. I thought about my life without my boys, and I will never give them to anyone. I just need to find time for me every now and then. To that Jenny chick she must not have kids. Because if she did she would totally understand the frustrations of being a mother.
This message is for Melissa, I hope that you still visit this site because when i read your story it really hit home for me and I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel!! Last year at this time I got pregnant with my third baby. It was not planned nor did I even want more children. At the time I got pregnant I had been taking anxiety pills for 9 months so of course I had to get off them right away,which i can say was hell !! I was soo upset about being pregnant as well as terrified to the core the thought of having another one freaked me out and i would secretly wish that i would just have a miscarriage. I had days where I cried from morning till night,sometimes i would scream at th etop of my lungs for god to just take the baby I didn’t want it. I was in a horrible state I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it was!! My dr. noticed i wasn’t doing well and thought that i would be a prime candidate for PPD so she immediately put me on some anti’s,actually 3 different ones none of wich really worked for me i only took them for about 2 months befor i stopped. Then I found out that i was having a boy,well that just sent me over the edge i was deep deep in depression some dys just wishing that i was dead so i wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. I have 2 girls and I NEVER EVER wanted to have boys don’t really knkow why thats just how I felt. I was getting worse and nobody could get me out of my funk. Thank god for my amazing husband who stood by me day after day while i had horrible tantrums and crying fits. I was convinced that my life was over and that i would hate the new baby. Some how he knew that all was going to be ok and would tell me this every day, i of course didn’t beleive him but did take some comfort in his kind words. Still my entire pregnancy was not only hell for me but for my family as well!! I thank god every day that they stood by me. The day my son was born was extremly stressful for me cause well the whole pregnancy i thought that i was definately going to get PPD and that i would hate the baby and that my life was ust going to be miserable!! But when i saw my son and held him in my arms all my fears and anger and hatred just melted away. Nothing absolutely nothing that i thought was going to happen did. I was totally in love with my son,he was perfect!! He actually helped me get out of my depression funny enough. He is the perfect baby and I am soo glad that i have him in my life and that all my wishes while i was pregnant didn’t come true!! I guess what i am trying to say is things most often never turn out as bad as you think they will and maybe just maybe it might even turn out better!!!So try to give yourself a break from your horrible thoughts,that im sure your having on a daily basis,because the way you feel now isn’t necessarily the way you will feel after your baby is born!! Good luck .
P:S
It’s my son’s 6th month bday today!!
My mother just told me that I can’t handle my sons (in a not-very-nice way). While this has just devastated me, she’s right, it’s true. They live with their father now (their choice, they’re teenagers) and want nothing to do with me. I told them that I would no longer “bother” them, that they know how to get in touch with me if they want to. Now, all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die (I can’t, though, it’s against my religion), but I don’t know how I’m going to go through the motions of living for the rest of my life. I just feel so devastated that I plan to move far away where no one knows that I have sons. I guess it looks like I have to suck this up, grow up, and start over, but it’s easier said than done. There is something worse than being a mother, and that is being fired by your kids when they are still young.
life is just to hard joey
Joey, this is heartbreaking. Please, please go see a therapist or counselor about this. We the blogreaders can’t really advise you on something of this magnitude – this is a MAJOR calamity in your life.
So please some professional help, and don’t bother listening to unhelpful comments from people like your mom (she wins the prize for insensitivity to a loved one in need). And know that your online readers wish you well and are rooting for you.
Hi everybody,
Just found this site and I feel normal for the first time in years, if hating being a parent is normal.
I don’t know what to do I’ve been a stay-at-home-dad for my 2 & 4 yo and I’m sick of it!!!!!!!!!!! I want out, I want to wake up in the morning without complete dread about the stressful crap I’m getting ready to go through for the day. I didn’t want kids my wife did. But like most men when the question is put out there you just nod and say o.k. this is it, this is where it happens this is where I become a father. You can’t say what you really feel because most men know in their gut that it could very well mean the end of their marriage. So you go through with it and hope for the best and then your whole life slowly turns to crap.
I think that alot of people would have been happily together for the rest of their lives if not for kids!! I truely believe that now because the person I loved more than anything is just as stressed out as I am and our once great marriage is going down the drain and there’s no way to get our lives back. And I hate myself for feeling this way.
Believe it or not I’m a great dad and my kids love me to death but behind the act I’m being ripped to shreds inside and want to jump in front of a bus.
The media needs to stop idealizing parenthood. It’s criminal.
For those that were wondering why I stay home, I put my wife thru medical school so she brings home 5x more than I can. I tried working but could barely make enough to pay for child care. Another lie that needs to be completely explained to those thinking about having kids is that once you have kids all you will ever have is kids, bastards will bleed you dry!
After reading my first post I realized that it was a bit harsh towards women and I didn’t intend for that. I know the women here are going through the same thing that I am and making a blanket proclamation like the one above is unfair.
I’m just really stressed & trapped. I had a great career until the babies came along and the fact that my wife HAD to have kids but I’m the one stuck taking care of them the lion’s share of the time is really maddening.
There’s one other thing that pisses me off and that’s all these grandparents (a.k.a. our parents) that pushed many of us into parenthood with mountains of guilt. My theory is that they know all too well what they are doing to their kids by pushing the baby thing down their childrens throats. I dought that they really and I do mean really give happy horse shit about getting some grandbabies. I think the truth is that they want their own children to know what they suffered through with us first hand. Until you experience it for real everything else is simply lip service. If this sounds heartless and calculated so be it but I vividly remember what my mother said when my daughter was born and I quote,”Now It Starts” with an evil smirk on her face. I now know what she meant by that little slip.
Rob, no, you don’t seem harsh. Everything you say is right on the money.
I don’t think your wife will necessarily leave you if you express your frustration to her. Your situation sounds like mine, but reversed. My husband wanted kids while I didn’t; but until recently, I was stuck with most of the childcare, and I hated it. (Mostly still hate it, to be honest. Especially when they’re sick with a stomach bug.) Last year, I told my husband outright that I hated parenthood, and that he’d better be VERY grateful to me for having his kids against my will! He was indeed grateful, and now he does more than I do childcare-wise.
I think it could only help you if you discussed this with your wife. You made huge sacrifices for her, and this is really too much; you shouldn’t have to suffer silently. She will understand unless she is completely clueless. And IF she is clueless, pretend to be debilitatingly sick one day, and let her take care of your two kids for just a day. Then, believe me, she’ll get the idea.
Another thing: yes, Rob, both sets of grandparents pushed us into parenthood as well. My parents literally sat me down on the floor 5 years ago when we were visiting them over Christmas break, and snowed in on me for not having kids with my hubby yet. Hubby’s parents were not as in-your-face, but pretty blatant about it in their own way.
For the record, I also told my parents that I hate parenthood. I told them outright that I was angry at them for having pushed me into it. Now, every once in a while when we talk on the phone, they ask somewhat pleadingly, “See, aren’t you glad you have kids now?” I hate to say it, but the true answer is almost always: No.
Kristin, i just checked this site after not checking it for awhile. found out yesterday i am having my second girl. i’m heartbroken because i wanted a boy so bad and there’s a good chance my husband wont choose to have another one because shortly after we had Lily he told me he didnt know if he’d want three if the next was a girl because he didnt know if he could deal with three girls. i of course want to try for a third to try for a boy (well… i say this before i have my second, my mind might change once this one comes). i am hoping that i’ll be like you and once this baby comes i’ll feel better about it. i’m upset about it being a girl that i cant even bring myself to say her or she, i still say it and baby. i also hate that my husband deals with all this crap WAY better then i do. he dealt with being a parent for the first time wonderfully. he just eased right into the roll where as it took me a long 6 months to finally be at ease with everything. i’m tired of people telling me “oh two girls will be great, lily will love having a sister, atleast the baby is healthy” and all those other things. i didnt have any sisters growing up and i didnt care. only time i wanted a sister was to clean my room.
Rob, i dont think you were being harsh. i couldnt imagine being pushed into something like this. while both of our children were the result of broken condoms, i had always wanted to be a mom. my husband works days and i work nights. i resent having to be at home with my kid all day then go off to work at night. we just cant afford one salary and cant afford child care. i’ve given up what little social life i had left when i had to go back to work (live in canada so i get a year paid maternity leave). i see friends maybe once a month.
oh shoot, was also going to say lily is going through the drama queen phase too. she’s completley overly dramatic about every little thing and the hormones havent even kicked in. i dont want to deal with two hormonal girls.
Melissa
You will still love that child-you’re just having a dream, an expectation explode in your face and it’s not at all enjoyable or fun. I dreamed of girls. If I would have ended up with a boy, I would have been crushed-at first. And then, I would have moved on. Just like I did when I become pregnant despite wanting no children. Just like I did when I was pregnant again 10 months later and I was scared and angry.
You worry you can’t love it. You worry that your storybook is ending. It’s not. It’s just changed.
I’m quite sure lots of people will want to throw the “you’re lucky you’re even able to have a child” lecture at you. Ignore them. We all have expectations of how we want our lives to look-vocalizing the one about gender with our children still never seems to be ok.
You’ll get there. For now, don’t feel guilty, don’t hate yourself because you aren’t feelihg all those “motherly” feelings about a butterfly in your belly. If you’ve got a high maintenence girl at home already, I understand your reticience. I TRULY do.
But it will be fine.
Melissa,
I didn’t find out what I was having before the birth (only because it wasn’t an option here). I wanted a girl so desperately (for a variety of reasons) – the question and the hope was always front of mind. When people would ask me what I was hoping for and I’d answer, “a girl”, I would invariable get, “I’m sure you’ll be happy with a boy as long as it is healthy.” Well of course I would survive and move on eventually – I would kind of have to, right? I got so many variations on the “you’ll be happy”, that I started to lie. I said I didn’t have hopes one way or the other. I felt such guilt for caring about something that other people deemed so unimportant.
I convinced myself about 5 months in that it was a boy, only because I didn’t want to be disappointed. People would tell me how they thought boys were the best, boys were easier, boys were more fun. I would be *so lucky* to have a boy. It seemed so ungrateful and taboo to say I had a preference.
When the held my baby up over the surgical curtain and announced it was a girl, I thought my heart would overflow. I was so surprised, so overjoyed….I couldn’t speak. I just cried.
I know I would have survived and adapted if I had a son. Eventually, the disappointment would’ve faded and I would’ve adjusted. Still….the guilt. The guilt of caring one way or another, the guilt that maybe I was just a horrible, ungrateful person, the guilt that no other mother seemed to feel the way I did. During pregnancy, every feeling was magnified, every emotion so intense. Hearing “you don’t really mean that” made me feel so ashamed, and lying and keeping it inside didn’t help either. Knowing that someone else felt the way I did would have helped me.
I have no doubt that you will adjust, that everything will be okay. In the meantime, it is okay to feel how you feel. I have no doubt there are many of us who feel or have felt the same way but were afraid to give their feelings voice.
When I was pregnant the first time, I was convinced it was a girl. I dreamed of a girl. I bought girl’s clothes. Even during delivery I was still convinced it was a girl and hadn’t allowed myself to think otherwise. The universe being what it is, I had a boy.
Pregnancy # 2, in my own head, I conceived a stupid bargain – namely, that if I just kept saying “I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy” that god? fate? would reward my selflessness and give me the girl I longed for. When my husband said “it’s a boy!” for the second time, I actually burst into tears and wailed “again?!” The L&D nurses were horrified.
It took me longer to get over it the second time. Even though I love my 2nd boy and can’t imagine life without him, I still mourn for the girl I’ve never met. My husband wants a third child and I keep telling him that if he could somehow guarantee me a girl I wouldn’t hesitate… but the thought of yet another boy fills me with dread even though I love my two with all of me and wouldn’t trade them. It’s a weird sort of dichotomy that I’m still trying to come to grips with.
I don’t know if any of this helped. But I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
Melissa,i am glad to see that u r still visiting the site. I am very sympathetic to your story as i said earlier it is very similar to mine. I know exactly how you feel about being upset that it’s a girl,of course in my case it was a boy ,i already have 2 girls. I just couldn’t imagine my life as a mother of a boy and beleive me i lost ALOT of nights lying awake just crying about it!! Let me ask you a question,do you want a boy because it’s what your husbands wants and you want to make him happy by giving him a boy? Or do you want a boy?When i would tell people i was having a boy and i wasn’t happy about it they would all say well at least he’s healthy and that i would love him just as much as the girls. I didn’t beleive them, when i went for one of those 3d ultra sounds and i saw my baby boy,his face his features his little nose and hands,all i could feel was hatred, i just hated him for not only being there but because he was a boy as well.I just couldn’t see past my fear and depression. How i felt at that very moment was most surely how i was going to feel when he was born. I couldn’t see it any other way. but like i said once he was born it all just melted away i couldnt beleive that i had all those horrible thoughts,i just instantly loved him to death. In the end as much as i wanted another girl i was sooooo happy that he was a boy. My husband as well has an easier time of dealing with things just as you say yours does,and alot of times i find myself wishing i could be more like him. But i am who i am i am human and we all have our flaws nobody is perfect,so try to give yourself a break your pregnant and your emotions are everywhere,your scared and that’s understandable but just beleive that IT WILL BE OK, you WILL fall instantly in love with your new daughter. The fear of the unknown is always scary just remember ike i said befor the way you feel now is not nessecaraly the way you will feel once she is born. Maybe you should read the brook shields book it helped me when i was going what you are going through. I too live in canada,montreal to be exact. where do u live? If you ever need someone to talk to just drop me aline here i check the site daily. Take care and remember it will all be ok i just know it will.take care.
,
Thank you for all the comments – it has taken me several hours to scroll down but I so glad that I’m not alone, I searched for “I cannot handle being a mother anymore” and the comments have definately helped me but also the conversation seem to have switched to really wanting one sex other another which is my current dilema. I have 2 boys and am not an earth mother, or at least the ideal that I had thought I’d miraculously become the second the kids were born, but for some reason I still want to do it again and I would love a girl. I miss my independence and as they get older (6 and 3) I am beginning to get it back. Have I just forgotten how much I hated being a mum ?
JENNY……I can tell you have no children………well during this time you wrote that note you didn’t have any. So DON”T YOU EVEN say BOO to any mother on this SITE if you have no idea what your talking about. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU HAVE YOUR OWN CHILDREN so zip it
LORI ??? I know , I am late getting to this site, I just found it today…..I am in the same boat….all my life I didn’t want kids. Now I had my first boy at 38 and second at 40……my marriage isn’t good at all, but for the same reasons, I had them cause he wanted kids. I swore all my life no way could I be a mom. The quilt is terrible, my stress is very high, my patients are terrible, I feel like running away, my head feels like its going to bust everyday, I have knots in my stomach all day, headaches, and sadness, depression, anxiety…..i knew it before that it wasn’t the plan…but I seen the time clock ticking and made a quick decision to do what I THOUGHT would be the right move.
I love my boys, i would die for them, my heart breaks daily when i think about them having me for a mother, i think they are better without me, i am lost, i don’t know who i am, i feel like you…….
I am so glad that I found this blog and that I am not alone in hell. I have two children and I thought that I loved being a mother until my second child was born. She is the complete opposite of my son and a total nightmare. She is constantly into everything. A two minute restroom break is more than enough time to destroy something in my home. Everyday I think about getting in my car and driving as far away as I can. The hardest part is that I have been a single mother since I was 4 months pregnant. He met someone out one night and ran off with her. I have been doing this all by myself every since. There are no breaks and what I hate most is when people judge you and tell you that things are going to get better. They conveniently overlook your cries for help. It’s almost like you are screaming in an empty forest. Those same people would be the first to say something negative if you just bolted out of town. I feel like I have ruined my life and then I feel like this awful mother for even thinking about leaving them.
ROB…..do you still check in? Hang in there buddy. Your post made me laugh for the first time in days. Thank you
I had a sneaking suspician motherhood wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
I am 37, married for almost a year, and 6 weeks pregnant. We actually planned the pregancy, and I was happy for about a minute when I found out. But I have spent the last 2 weeks crying my eyes out. Neither my husband nor I have parents or siblings to help us out with babysitting. We are middle-class and just bought a house, which has cost us an arm and a leg to decorate. We can SURVIVE, I suppose, on our salaries and given our debt loads, but I feel like my life is just starting! Last year we took a couple photography classes together, and hope to take more. I used to travel a lot for work, and miss it terribly. We both hate our careers, and I often fantasize about running away to Paris to become a designer. Why did we do this? I realize that I can forget phpotography classes, or ever having another career, or for that matter ever visiting Paris again. So I have made a very, very difficult decision, and I can’t believe my husband is not divorcing me for it: I am terminating the pregnancy in a few short days. I am extremely sad about this, but I would rather live with regrets for NOT having kids, then have a child and regret it. My mother–a single mom–was totally burdened by me, and she was often abusive. I am terrified that will be me. I feel like the world’s biggest bag of crap for doing this. My husband just says that he wants what I want. (He is very risk-tolerant, and can be happy with or without kids). He says that the most importnat thing to him is my happiness. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. And want to hear the absolute worst part?? This will be our second termination. About 8 months ago, I found out I was pregnant just about the same time we started to worry that my husband had a fatal genetic disease. He got tested, but the results would take 3 months to come in. I decided that I could not take the chance of having a baby who might also carry the fatal disease, then lose my husband to it, and have to be a single mom. So I terminated, felt like crap, but also felt that I had done the prudent thing. This time, I have no excuse. My husband’s test came back negative, thank G-D…and here we are again. I have no other excuse, other than I just don’t think I can do it.
My husband thinks it is just hormones talking. Could be. I just started taking antidepressants, but I still feel down. I sometimes think that the cure for depression is not drugs, but a lifestyle change. Maybe people are depressed for good reason. My therapist says that anti-depressants don’t actually work. I dunno…I’m taking them, just in case.
I have a few days before I terminate the pregnacy. I am in hell. Just need it to be over.
I think you’re doing the right thing for you Bella, and that’s what matters. But motherhood isn’t all horrible-it’s equal parts tired and worn and filled with awe and love. It’s like nothing else in the world.
If you know you can’t do it, that matters.
I don’t KNOW that I can’t do it, but I am AFRAID that I can’t do it. I have a dog that I love dearly, and he goes to “doggy daycare” three times a week, just because I can’t stand to rush home every day just to walk the dog. I love the dog, but I have had months where I really resented him, months when I had to rush home at lunch and right after work to walk him because I couldn’t afford a dog walker. I can only IMAGINE how much harder it is with a child. I love kids. Love to hold babies. Love the idea of teaching my kids to bake alongside me, the way my grandmother did with me. But this overwhelming sense that my life is over…it’s killing me. Yesterday I prayed for a bus to hit me so I wouldn’t have to go through this again. Suddenly, I understand what my mother went through with me. She was often very mean to me, but I see that she was overwhelmed and probably felt trapped, the way I do now. I worry that I will be just like her.
Sometimes being selfish isn’t a bad thing.
I felt exactly the same way. I decided to go ahead with my pregnancies, and honestly, despite a lot of hardships, it was the best thing I ever did.
Responsibility is a heavy thing, and there’s no shame in making a decision because you know that’s what you DON’T want. We’re trained that we should always want kids, to the point that it becomes hard to determine what we really DO want.
My take has always been that if what you envision contains more pain than joy, then don’t do it.
If more people stopped and thought about it, we’d likely have a lot less child abuse and kids in foster care.
Thordora–really? You were depressed too? What makes up for it?
My daughter hugging me right now and saying “Bestest Mommy ever”. Seeing myself in their eyes. Seeing the women they will be. Knowing that I’m raising two women who will one day change their world’s, if not THE world.
I never wanted kids, I don’t much like kids, and I never had. Pregnancy was accidental, and unwanted. Scary. I spent time crying, wondering what I would do.
Somedays suck. I’m tired, cranky, busy, and it sucks. But those days sucked before as well, because they were empty. I’ve sacrificed some things, but I’ll have them again. Time goes too fast.
Bella i thought the same way you did when i accidently got pregnant withmy third child. I was in hell!!! I wanted to die,i wanted to have a miscarridge i took 3 different antis and nothing worked . I had all these horrible vivions of what my life was going to be like. I hated the baby!!To make a long story short everything that i had invisioned never came to pass!! I am soo glad that my son is here. Yeah there are days where i wish i didn’t have kids and they drive me to my breaking point sometimes but the good far out weighs the bad. I look at it this way at least now i will have 3 kids to take care of me when im old!!! The decsion you are making is not an easy one,i wish you the best of luck.
I was going to send this email to my parents, who forced me into motherhood. I figured maybe I’d better share it here, first. Names are changed throughout.
Do you think this is okay to send to parents?
————–
Dad and Mom – There is more that I want to say, besides that previous email.
I feel anger and despair, and feel that I am literally going insane. I have been awake since 2:30 am, despite the fact that the previous night, I only slept 4 hours. I HATE BEING A MOTHER SO MUCH THAT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY EVERY SINGLE DAY. I hate having to wake up early even if I didn’t get any sleep in the middle of the night, because they’re yelling for me. I hate having to constantly serve them and try to force bite after bite into their mouths. I hate always having to meet their needs before my own. I hate leaving work earlier than I would like, to pick them up. I hate spending evenings with them – hate the rush of cooking while they’re constantly whining and demanding things. I hate spending weekends with them doing stupid irritating kid things that bore and frustrate me. I hate their disobedience and slowness and temper tantrums and meanness. I hate that John and I no longer have time and freedom to do everything we love. I hate feeling that my relationship with him is becoming worse and worse.
No, this is not just the momentary stress of John traveling right now. For at least the last two years, I have wondered whether it would be better to just divorce John so that I don’t have to spend any more time with the kids – to start my life afresh. I love John with all my heart and think he’s the best husband in the world. I just can’t stand the kids anymore. I don’t want to sacrifice HIM, but I hate motherhood with a passion. I cannot imagine living this hell for the next 16 years (till Laura goes to college).
Finally, I love you, but I am VERY angry at you for having forced motherhood down my throat. You remember that you forced me to sit down one day in Atlanta 5 years ago, while John was outside tending your garden, and you loudly and longly proclaimed that we had to have kids as soon as possible. You said that I needed kids, that I was getting old, that I would find it the best experience of my life. I trusted you and got pregnant. Now, looking back, I don’t think you really said that because you wanted me to be happy. You did it because you wanted grandchildren, not because you thought it would be good for me. Now I’m stuck in a situation of physical and psychological torture that I cannot ever escape, except for doing the one thing I don’t want to do: divorce.
Is that what you wanted?
Thank you everyone for listening to me and not judging me. Thank you so much. My husband doesn’t really understand, not emotionally, the guilt I am feeling right now. I think the biggest guilt of all is realizing that I am not the sort of woman who really wants kids. We are brought up to feel that a good woman is nurturing and caring and self-sacrificing, right?
…and I am praying for a sign before my appt. on Friday. I don’t even know how much I believe in G-D, but if any of you do, please say a little prayer for me, that I come to an answer I can live with.
Bella,
It sounds like you’re uncertain but very afraid — have you considered going through with the pregnancy with the option of adoption if you decide you do not want to be a mother?
It also sounds like you’re in therapy — that’s great. I hope your therapist is a good one, and if not, that you’ll be able to find someone good. I hope they help you work through the issues about parenthood and childhood all mixed up with the relationship you had with your mom.
Praying for a clear sign before your appointment.
Hi Marcy,
I could not adopt the baby out. Would kill my husband, and would likely turn all my family and friends against me.
My therapist is good–have been seeing him for 2 years. I have come a long way, in terms of my anxiety. I am a big worrier, always have been. But clearly not out of the woods….
BELLA….hi there, yeah were suppose to be brainwashed into this mother that is all that….REALITY CHECK…
LOL I try to be those but it’s impossible to be 24/7 x 365 x years
My husband doesn’t get it either. How could he, he gets to go to work, talk to adults, shit in the bathroom alone, not listen to waaa waaa, gimme, screaming etc over and over. God Forgive me if anything happened to my boys, I would want to hear them waaaaing etc.
I feel guilty as well, to much guilt.
Husband feels SFA, but he will feel something when I hand him divorce papers someday for being so …………… errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I’m curious to know if any of the people who wrote earlier about how awful mother hood is…are they still feeling that way? Sometimes I do wonder if this is just pregnancy hormones making me so depressed. Would love to hear from anyone who has changed their mind about motherhood. Also curious to know if the people who wrote in are largely stay-at-home moms.
Pregnancy hormones can have a huge effect – the first trimester, I was miserable and wondering what the hell I had got myself into.
Pregnancy hormones can have a huge effect – the first trimester, I was miserable and wondering what the hell I had got myself into. I started to feel like a normal person at about 15 weeks and I felt much more optimistic.
Cynthia,
And how do you feel about motherhood now? Is it reallly all a big myth, about how fulfilling it is?
It has absolutely been worth it. There were (and are) difficult times, but the good outweighs the challenging times to be sure. Some days I think maybe I’m not a “good enough” mother, but she makes me want to be a better person and my life is richer for having her.
Pregnancy was nothing like I expected, and parenting continues to be a surprise in so many ways. The things I worried about were not problems, things I had never considered were challenging. The baby period that everyone professes to love? I felt much more connected once she passed the eating/sleeping/pooping stage and was more interactive. I worried about getting sleepless nights and early mornings and nonstop crying – never happened. I never worried about breastfeeding – lots of problems.
Motherhood is unpredictable. Some days I wonder if I am fully qualified to do this job, but I honestly believe most parents fill this way.
I have a history of depression and expected to have more challenges. For me, having a therapist, psychiatrist and the possibility of medication was essential (you *can* take many medications during pregnancy). I took omega 3 throughout. Pregnancy was not a magical time for me but for many it isn’t sweetness and light. I just kept telling myself it was temporary.
Summary: Pregnancy sucked, everything was unpredictable, many anticipated problems were not, other challenges were surprising. This is the most important task I’ve ever taken on and sometimes that is overwhelming. For me, it was all worth it. Each day brings something new – sometimes unwelcome but usually good. I see the world through her eyes and everything is new.
I never changed my mind, and my oldest will be 5 in July, 2009..
Sigh…such a hard decision to make.
That Johnson & Johnson commercial “A Baby Changes Everything” really needs to be edited.
It should be changed to “A Baby Changes Everything For The Worst”.
i am so glad about the honesty on this sight, maybe if more people came out into the open about the reality of parenting, then maybe a lot of women could not only find support but save themselves the heartache of an irreversible mistake. Its time people stopped propagating myths and took a reality check. Yes i am child free, and i have experienced the whole have kids thing (which i do find offensive when you have already explained urself). But what is far more important is getting people to really think about what having children and being a parent means and if they feel they can cope with that. I think the issues here are really important and that its time they were introduced to the classroom, as part of sex education.
Also i would really like someone to explain to me why some parents are so dishonest about the reality of parenting, why dupe someone into it. If you want a child then surely the truth can only be helpful. Its not as though people aren’t gonna have kids anymore.
I found this post today after having a tough day with my boys. I feel so much of what has already been written. I found out i was pregnant with my first son on my 23rd birthday (surprise) and it was. especially since i had one foot out the door and was ready to leave my then boyfriend of 8 months and run back to the waiting arms of my ex fiance of two years. i was devastated. my ex told me to come back to him and we would raise the baby together but although i considered it i couldn’t handle the thought that if i had a child with my ex my firstborn might be treated like an unwanted house guest. so i sucked it up and pretended to be happy but no matter how much my boyfriend did for me it was never enough. but when my son was born everything changed i loved him and i suddenly appreciated my husband. (we got married because i didn’t want to have a baby out of wedlock) well everything was good until about a two months after my sons first birthday when i found out i was pregnant with baby number two . It was too soon i wasn’t even sure i wanted another one, but alas it was too late so i convinced myself that it was a girl and i would be done having kids. i went to the doc and she said it’s a BOY. are you kidding ? so i hated him and my husband for the first trimester but i got over it . when he was born i loved him so much. now they are 3 and 15 months and i am a SAHM who somedays feels like looking up my ex and starting a new life. but luckily the feeling passes when the little one dances or the older one says thank you without being prompted. somedays it is really good and others are really bad. but take heart ladies we are all doing the best we can.
Thordora, I just read your original post at the top again. I’ve come back to this page many times and read the comments, but not your original post again till now.
It’s beautiful. It captures exactly how I feel.
I wonder if it will ever get better, or if it will always be this difficult. I wonder if I will ever get over regretting what I have lost: the beautiful, happy, simple, exhilarating life with my husband – childfree. It is the regret of that lost life that I find most agonizing. The thought of what could be. It’s been 4 years and I still haven’t been able to let go of that regret. Will it ever happen?
Somedays it’s there, somedays it’s not. THe important thing is to find what YOU need. I’ve been off work, and I’m realizing I’d be a terrible SAHM, because it’s not what I need.
Somedays are hard. THey just are.
I return here 14 months later and see all the posts. Wow Thordora, could you ever have anticipated the responses?
He is 22 months now. I like him a lot better now that he can tell me what he needs. I still feel as though this isn’t my calling though. I won’t have another. But I will try and make this one as happy as he can be. It is not his fault that I overestimated my abilities.
I hope that he never resents me, or blames me. I do want to be a good mom. That tends to be my problem. I want to be a perfect mom and it just doesn’t go that way.
We all had the option to make another decision. But here we are and it is life’s challenge. Deal with it. Life is about balance. Do good. It will make sense eventually.
Motherhood is like painting the largest room in the world. The end vision keeps you going. You plod along because you know it will look better when you are done. But along the way the paint can spills, the brushes fall apart, your arms get tired and the fumes get to you. And you are never sure that you will make it…get it done. but you will. And in the end, the room will be painted and it will be anti-climatic because all of the struggles to get there were really the reason why the room had to be painted. And if those don’t break you, then you will see why you finsihed the job.
Good Luck everyone.
I love my kids so much. I am a single mom….
I have chronic depression and bipolar.
I am not a happy person…….
I do not want the kids to grow up, as many have pointed out, to know their mother as a troll as one person had described it. I feel so embarrassed about it but, I don’t even like to play with them….does anyone have these feelings? I don’t even want to play with my own children. I have power struggles with my 9 yr old girl. She rules the roost. If it is not her way, we all hear it, especially my sensitive 12 yr old boy – who also is very defiant if he does not get his way.
I end up crying at times and have to explain to them….
I used to drink A LOT to numb myself and deal with them – not drunk – just mellow… now I do not do that.
I nap. When they leave in the AM I nap…..to get enough energy to argue with them in the evening.
I love my children and try so so so very hard to be a good mom. I tell them how proud of am of them – for certain things that they have done. I always tell them I love them, cuddle with both at night. I try my best to explain that we have to work on this as a family. There is only the 3 of us.
Their father is a cop and does take them for a week as we have joint custody, bi-weekly. Which is great for me – then I can clean (hate it) pay bills and do household things, also take care of my mother. My father died Sept 08…he was the only man I truly trusted and I lost him….
I just feel lost and alone most times…..Single motherhood is crappy, lonely and stressful to the point of breaking!
God help us all as we travel thsi road and experience all of livees trials and tribulations. I say this prayer for all of us!
I’ve always wanted children.When I got pregnant with my first I was happy.I started feeling down towards the end of the preganancy.After he was born he was a very diffucult baby.He is 3 now hes getting better as he gets older.I still have those moments when I feel like Im getting close to the edge.My second baby was born almost a year ago.At first I wasn’t sure I even wanted a baby.After having such a hard time with the first.I think Im a lot more patient with my girl then I was with my son.She wasn’t as hard as my little boy was.I do love them the same very much.My son was just a lot more harder then my daughter.My signifiant other does help out with the cleaning.I don’t really get much of a break from the kids though.Lately has been really good with my kids.But today was one of those days my son did not want to listen to me.Right after I asked him not to do something he done it anyway.It just drives me crazy when he does not listen to me.
Oh my Siginfigant other has been getting mad at me about not spending enough time with him but after the kids go to bed and I finish the household chores Im not in a very lovey dovey mood.I really want more ME time.This really is another rant about something else.But I want to know if anyone else feels like this with your husband.
I don’t know of a family who DOESN’T go through that ALicia.
For so long I’d just get mad-then something changed and now we talk, and I leave the lists he needs and instructions and LO! things get done.
It’s a HUGE learning curve that no one ever warns us about.
Does anyone know if Bella is doing ok? Bella if you still check in how are things going? Alicia I used to feel the same way with my husband. But oddly enough it gets better. Some days I am really tired but it helps to rekindle that flame. My hubby and I try to have sex atleast twice a week so we can remember we are not just parents , i mean there was something there before. I just had to stop thinking of sex as my obligation and remember that once upon a time I liked it. So now I bathe the boys and he dresses them and gets them ready for bed and we both hand them off to the sandman. Then we make time for eachother. To all those who are still struggling please be strong , it’s so hard to be a parent but honestly I can’t think of anything more rewarding. Today was a good day. Goodnight and God bless.
I’m with everyone who googled “I don’t like being a mother” and I also cried when I read everyone’s replies. My kids are 5.5 and 3.5. I’m a stay at home mom and I have cried almost the whole time, thinking I am not fit to be a mother.
I have a wonderful husband who is supportive but nobody else to talk to. If I mention how I’m not “me” and that I yell and scream and can’t smile anymore, I get ridiculous advice like, “Well, find a job” or “get a hobby…” or “be patient…” and as much as they want to help, NOTHING HELPS!
It’s a constant mess, constant food requests, constant fighting, and I’ve realized my hypersensitive personality is not at its best being a mother to young kids. I do have good days and I do try to appreciate my kids but sometimes I am so overwhelmed and so sick and tired of having to watch them ALL THE TIME. I have no time for anything I want to do that “feeds my soul” unless I resort to plopping them in front of the TV.
I dread when they start to want to have other friends over because I am not the “neighborhood mom” who loves having kids over. I want to escape ALL the time from having to watch kids or deal with them. Of course I don’t – I can’t. But I want to!
I love them dearly and yet I struggle with my sanity. I want to wake up every day knowing I’m doing something I love and also having a balance with something I truly love and having a family. But I don’t have a balance – I’m at home with kids all day (when my kindergartner isn’t at school, and in the summer) and that is not what I love to do.
I have always felt that it was “evil” to think that way but I’m realizing I made choices to please other people and not myself. I had kids because “that was the thing to do” and I didn’t follow what my heart was telling me – that given my personality type, I’d be better off not having kids.
I try so hard to focus on my good mothering qualities. It’s hard. Reading this makes me finally realize I’m not alone. I really don’t like the friends and neighbors around me who have to have the answer for everything. It seems that I will never meet anyone who can be truthful about how they feel. Or maybe they are being truthful – there are some mothers who LOVE the chaos and hearing “MOMMY!” “I want something to eat!” all day long.
I am still so upset about everything. I feel guilty when I admit that being a stay at home mom is just not fulfilling my soul – because I also don’t do well in the workplace, either. I have 2 hobbies – doing nails and reading. But I can’t work for anyone because – well, it’s just not me. Too restricting…And yet, I’m not happy being a SAHM. So it’s a dilemma only I can solve (because if I ever mention a bit of how I feel, people just don’t understand why I can’t solve it – why I can’t just “go get a job if I don’t want to be at home…”)
At least here everyone understands how I feel because you all feel the same way. As we speak I have the kids running in circles, screaming and fighting. So I better go.
Wow. I never realized how many people there are who feel EXACTLY as I do. Kathy, you described my ‘right now’. I thought I was completely alone. I googled the words, in an attempt to find an answer.
I am having a hard time dealing with my life, and almost purchased a condo in another town today. I am packed and ready to go. I lost my confidence, before finalizing the deal. I can’t understand why. I know my kids will benefit from my absence.
Reading a post by Jenny in 2007, I know that she feels as my kids will, if I don’t do something. SOMETHING.
I have days where I love my daughters. They are 6 and 8. I’ve made a large enough crater for them to start feeling as Jenny did growing up.
I wish I knew what to do. I’m so scared.
I can at least feel some sense of comfort knowing that I am NOT alone.
Hi Mica,
Thanks for asking about me. Yeah, I’m ok, but it has been a hard sad two months since I made the decision to terminate my pregnany. On an intellectual level, I think I did the right thing. We are really up to our eyeballs in debt and can’t afford for me to take mat leave, nor can we afford day care. The only alternative would be to sell our home and go back to renting a small crappy apartment (we live in a major city). I guess I’m selfish, cuz I don’t want to do that. Also don’t want to sell my house in this market. I want to have a baby only if I know I can give it a fair shot at a good life. Maybe I have thought about this for too long. I am 38 this year, have a couple Master’s Degrees, a decent job….I guess I keep thinking of how much I have to lose. I wish I could know for sure if the joys of having a child will make up for those losses. My mother wanted me, then resented me. I am afraid I will be the same way. A baby isn’t just a cute toy–it is another human being with their own will. It’s hard t admit all this. I have told it to my husband, and I’m not sure he gets it.
My best friend just announced that she is pregnant. We would have been 6 weeks apart. It kills me. I always thought we would have our babies together.
I wish I lived in Denmark–they get like 3 years mat leave, paid, plus subsidized health care.
Kathy: If there’s anything we moms gain from this website, it’s the knowledge that we’re not alone. And yet, so many of us still feel the need to apologize and to reassure everyone: “I’m really not a bad mom,” “I’m really not abusive”… WHY? We know that. We know motherhood (and fatherhood) sucks. Just as not everyone loves his job, but that doesn’t mean that he’s a slacker.
I think if we make it more public and open that parenthood is hard, and oftentimes just awful, then MUCH of our parenting angst will disappear. Surely we commenters are not the only parents who feel this way. We’re just, frankly, more honest than others who feel the need to keep BS-ing.
It’s only if we’re brave enough to get the message out in public that parenthood frankly sucks that we can begin to do something about it. Betty Friedan was scoured when she published “Feminine Mystique,” yet look at how we women have benefited as a result. I can’t say for sure I know how parents will benefit by our being honest about dissatisfactions… but we together as a society can figure that out. It just requires someone to be honest.
Thordora, how about writing a book?
Oh my where to start. I came across this page like everyone else by googling “don’t want to be a mum anymore” thought probably unlike alot of people/everyone else it was only after trying “Leaving your children”. I’m a mess, so much so that even forming these coherant sentances is difficult, I just want to scream out all my feelings.
I’ve just turned 21 and I have a 6 month old boy. He wasn’t planned, but he’s here, dispite our use of contraceptive. I think thats why I feel the way I do. I didn’t want children, neither did my partner. But unlike me, he is happy about being a dad, he plays, he laughs, he talks about our son even when he’s upstairs in bed and we are spending the 10 mins before we have to go to bed, just sitting. I want to grab him and tell him to shut up! I want him to know how angry I get having to spend ALL DAY looking after a baby that doesn’t even start to feel like mine. It feels like I’ve been invaded for 9 months only for this thing to cause me undiscribable pain.
I have it better then most (or worst from my own personal point of view), we live with my partners parents. All I have to do is laundry/dishes/hoovering/keeping the house clean and tidy. But its a massive house and I dream of the day I get my own, at 1/3 of the size… So, when I try to give my partner some hint towards how I feel his answers are very …. textbook. “We are lucky we dont have to pay for a mortgage” “Our parents didn’t have it this easy” “You should be happy you can have children” “If you aren’t happy do something about it”
That last one really gets to me, I think about just packing and leaving everyday. As soon as the last person leaves the house to go to work and its just me and my son, I am in hell. I can’t even relate to some people here when they say, “I feel horrible but my children are my world to me”. I look at my son, and if it hadn’t been for the fact I was actaully the one giving birth, I would tell you he isn’t mine. There are no feelings when I look at him. He’s cute yeah, but most babies are. The only feelings that relate towards him are resentment, anger, depression. And those times are the worse. I cry, and cry and cry right up until I hear the key in the door and someone yells, “I’m home!” I got a break the other month, spent a whole week at my parents house (they live 2 hrs away) just me, my parents and my older sister. I smiled for the first time in months there. As the week went on they asked me if I missed my son and I said without thinking “No”. It hurt them. Not only the response but the genuiness of my indifference to my son. I am not this type of person, I was happy and I cared about other peoples feeling. Now I’m just this witch that as soon as my partner walks in the door I unload our son into his arms and walk away.
I miss being me, having free time, having a job, having plans, having friends, having more then 3 hours of sleep every night. I get crazy thoughts like “I wish I had been infertile” and after accepting that that is a horrible thing to think i move onto – “I should get strerilized”.
I just feel so alone, I’m trapped and there is nothing I can do, if I gave him up for adoption, my relationship with my family, my partner and his family would be over. No one forgives a mother for leaving her children, she is a soul-less stain on mankind for breaking the divine unwritten law.
Oh Danielle. I am so sorry. I think you’re right that you have it the “worst,” because you don’t feel as free complaining about motherhood if you live with “in-laws”. You WOULD feel more free complaining if you and your partner were living in your own home, which I’ve done with my husband – and he has picked up much of the slack of childrearing as a result.
Is your partner someone with whom you’d like to stay for the rest of your life? If so, you might consider saving for a house or apartment. If not, then it may sound crazy, but I really do think you could consider “finding yourself” on your own for at least a while, while your partner, his parents, and your parents look after the baby.
You are NOT alone, and people are more understanding than you’d expect, even if they may act shocked at the beginning. I’ve been a mom for ~5 years now. It took me a LONG time to come clean with my husband, parents, sister, and friends that I find motherhood nearly intolerable. My parents have offered to take the kids for a while, but we won’t let them because they’re physically frail. Otherwise, we would.
So, putting up your son for adoption is NOT your only option. Others could pick up the slack while you take time to heal, recover, regroup, and find yourself. It just takes your being honest. You can do it! We are rooting for you.
Any other parents out there hate weekends, too?
The kids made my morning absolute hell, as if it weren’t enough to have the flu and pinkeye (from them and their daycare buddies of course) at the same time.
When my older one was saying a few moments ago that she loved Sundays, I let it slip out: “I love Mondays.” She kept asking: “Why Mommy? Why do you love Mondays?” By that point, I was so close to exploding that I almost said, “Just so I can get away from you.” But of course that’s not what I said. Just some bs about how Mondays are such nice days and they’re named after the moon.
I searched “I hate being a mother” and found this blog. Danielle, I sympathize completely. Our society vilifies parents who don’t like being parents. I think we deserve a bloody medal for doing it in spite of hating it.
There are ridiculous myths about motherhood, how wonderful and rewarding it is. It’s hard work, and there’s nothing wonderful about it. For those who like it, fine. For those who don’t, it’s a horrible road.
I was three years married when I got pregnant. I figured that having kids would be pleasant enough…HA! My husband decided right off that he was going to be the old fashioned kind of father who left everything up to the mother. He treated me horribly when I was pregnant, insisting that my having the baby was my choice, so anything that went with it was my problem. Admittedly, he was/is an asshole. The trouble is, I had no idea he was such an asshole until I became pregnant, and he began behaving so! Who can plan ahead for that?
The birth was awful. Few women talk about how horribly embarassing and humiliating giving birth can be. Total strangers rummaging around in my body like I was some kind of grab bag. Eventually, the strangers in gloves who didn’t see any reason why I might be uncomfortable with their treatement of me threw a steaming infant onto my belly. I looked at it and felt nothing. It was still attached by a cord, so I knew it was mine, but I felt only sadness.
Society blames mothers for this. It never seems to occur to the world that we don’t CHOOSE to feel nothing for our baby. Indeed, it would be much nicer if we COULD fall totally in love with it…but some of us just don’t. We are told that we will. Nobody, not doctors, not family, not therapists, nobody wants to hear that.
We have to pretty much jettison everything we have ever been, had or wanted to do because we now have a child, and the child must be cared for. Society expects us to happily bear the loss, or not even notice, because we are supposed to be so happy with our child. It doesn’t ‘twork that way.
Something that is never ever addressed anywhere that I’ve seen is that children are born with a personality all their own. Some kids are NOT nice. They aren’t loving or fun or full of wonder. Some are bossy, mean, selfish, critical and spiteful. I got one of those.
As a newborn, she screamed nonstop. I nursed her every hour as she grabbed handfuls of my flesh, twisting until I was bruised. I felt no rush of maternal joy, just a feeling of being trapped and having my need for modesty completely destroyed as this creature demanded constant access to my body.
She was a joyless, unsmiling, angry child by nature. Once she could walk, she chased me, screaming to be nursed. She wasn’t hungry, but she was so territorial that she believed my breasts were hers. She often would insist on holding onto one while she did other things like playing with toys or falling asleep. It got to the point that I would try to avoid her, even hiding in my own house to avoid the screaming demands. Mind you. she didn’t want ME, she wanted the breast, shouting “MY ninny! MY ninny!”. She didn’t even like me, rarely making eye contact, pushing me away and shrieking when I tried to pick her up.
As she grew older, she refused to follow directions, intentionally broke things, laughed at the discomfort of others, lied habitually, you name it. People told me a toddler could not be that difficult. They did not have my empty-eyed devil of a child.
I had a second child when the first was still young enough so that I didn’t know just how bad it would get. The younger child was more normal, but I had to constantly protect her from her older sister. I could not enjoy my younger child because the older was jealous. She would fly at me, pounding me and the baby with her fists shouting “MY ninny!” if she saw me nursing the baby. She didn’t want me to talk to or read to or play with HER, but she attacked, screaming “NO! Put her down!” any time I tried to interact with my new one. I would invite her to join in and she’d say “NO.” Controlling beast.
They’re teens now. Therapy, doctors, all of that has been tried. There’s no cure for simply being a horrible person. My younger child never had a chance because her older sister was always so abusive, intrusive and mean. The youngest wants to go to boarding school because the older one is so abusive, starting rumors and telling lies to make sure that the youngest has trouble making friends. Oldest often tells youngest that her fondest wish is to “see you dead in a casket. If you died, I could have more clothes and my own room. I wish you were dead”.
Youngest, being more normal, is heartbroken by this.
Of course, their father left when they were under three years, and I haven’t remarried (not for lack of trying). The father refuses to take them for any part of the year. I hate the oldest, and can’t wait for her to be on her own. For now, I’m stuck. I haven’t money to ship her off to school or some other ‘program’ that will get her out of my hair and make the youngest’s life easier.
Youngest is no picnic either, lying, making messes, skipping school, etc. I suspect she suffers from the abuse from her sister, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I hate being their mother. Hate it. I often think of suicide just to get away from them both. I look at the chances I have had for employment, education, other things, but I always had to provide for them while they treated me like dirt, messing up the house, breaking things my hard earned money bought, shaming me so with their screaming and fighting that the landlord asked me to find other housing because he couldn’t have “such carrying on disturbing other tenants”. It’s been hell, and still, people tell me that if I were a better mother, they wouldn’t behave so.
Why doesn’t anyone say “Good god woman! You’ve survived this singlehandedly and supported them with only high school education. You deserve a medal!”
Nope.
Last week, my own mother told me “You favor the younger one….THAT’s why the older is so hostile!”. Oh, it’s all my fault? Thanks, Mom.
I think often of the peace death would bring. And if I were a ghost, I’d greatly enjoy watching them do without me and my paycheck and the roof I keep over their heads and the food I put in their mouths.
I hate being a mother.
Suzy — I found so much comfort in reading your post. I have a daughter, 12, much like yours. She had tantrums from 15 months to 4 yrs. (constantly screaming for me to hold her), some lasting for hours, and then some really awful ones beyond that, breaking lamps, throwing her mattress across the room, threatening to jump out of the 2nd story window. She has a brother who is 9 with whom she got along until about two years ago, now they wish death upon each other. She is a poor student with low self esteem. She seems always angry, especially when her brother is present.
I got divorced two years ago–nothing to do with the kids, and now I find myself googling “i don’t want to be a mother anymore” So glad I found some support. Fortunately I have joint custody with a lot of time without them. Enough time to find a job for which I have no self esteem since I haven’t worked in 15 years because I gave up my career to stay home with them.
It’s so much easier to find a husband to take care of me…but why would I make that mistake again…plus once they got to know my daughter, who would want to live with it. And she’ll likely get worse.
Most of the time, I hate being a mother too. It’s 90 percent work and 10 percent joy.
We can only take one day at a time. The best remedy for us seems to be when I can find one-on-one time with each child where I have nothing else to do but listen and play. We will not see the rewards for decades….unless/until we need a kidney.
I’m 38. I used to have a life. I don’t anymore. I can’t blame a baby because, I know it’s my responsibility to create a life I enjoy. But, how do you find time when the baby needs so much? And, her needs are all very important — food, to be changed, to be held and loved….my need to get out or to go exercise or whatever just doesn’t compare to her more basic needs. I did want to be a mom, and I even hoped for a girl; but I didn’t know that there would be no room for me in my life anymore. I remember my mom crying a lot when I was growing up, usually when my brother would fight and fight non-stop. She’d even lock herself in the bathroom and cry. I used to think she was a bit unbalanced. Now I know she was completely sane. To give some perspective on my issue, my little girl was a 1lb 4 oz preemie who stayed in the NICU for 3 months. Even after coming home, we had to keep her on isolation for another two months. The nurses warned us when we brought her home that she might scream for about two months straight. She did. She’s 7 months old now, but we’ve only had two “normal” months where she’s generally happy and we can go outside with her. Maybe I would have liked this whole thing better had we not gotten off to such a rough start, but it’s been tough. My husband and I aren’t handling it well. We’ve both been put on anti-depressants and we take out our stress on each other. We have no one else to take it out on. I wonder if our marriage will survive which is a shame because we really were very happy before all this happened. Unlike other moms on this site, I have not yelled at my little girl except once. I saw in her eyes that I’d hurt her, and I decided never to do it again. (My own mother has never yelled at me, so it’s easy for me to not yell at my child. My mom actually used to get very quiet and almost whisper when she was serious/angry and somehow that is very powerful.) I work from home which makes the isolation worse, I think. I don’t go “to work” and have friends to have lunch with like my husband does. A whole week can pass and I don’t leave the house except to walk laps around the neighborhood with the baby and the dogs (which is never, ever any fun because she’s either crying of the dogs are yapping and pulling on their leashes.) Anyway, there’s nothing to do but wait 17 1/2 more years and hope, gradually, things become more tolerable. But, the truth is I am in shock right now at the life I lost and am trying to figure out what exactly to do with the life I am left with. I do love her, my husband, and my dogs. I just feel like I don’t exist anymore.
Heather, you sound like you’ve got potential for your situation to turn around. Soon your girl will be crawling, and then walking, and her personality will come out more. Your options for taking her out will broaden. Her naptimes will condense so that your day will have a more normal routine. Start exercising now — do it while she’s in her exersaucer or bouncy thing or playpen — do a video at home. It’s not the same, but it’ll get you moving. If you can find an exercise buddy, so much the better. I take my toddler to a friend’s house — the kids play while we do the video. Hang in there — and hold onto that husband. Glad you’ve got some meds to help, but consider some talk therapy, too — can help you and hubby adjust your expectations and plan ways to stay connected and cope better.
Marcy – Thanks for the comments. It helps just to know someone is listening and is sympathetic. I have never felt so desperate and despondent in all my life as I have these last few months. I have cried and cried and half of my hair (and my husband’s hair too) has gone gray from the stress.
I took her out today, just to go somewhere, and it went better than I thought. Although the germ paranoia (doctor said, when we first brought her home, “If she catches a cold, she’ll wind up back here in the hospital”) still hasn’t faded. I’m working on it. But, I have to go outside, and so does she, so it’s time to make myself move forward.
Your idea of being with other moms was good. I just didn’t know how. The local kiddie gym has classes for 4-10 month olds, and I’m thinking of signing up once a week so I can get out and meet some other moms. Maybe I’ll meet someone I can exercise with too. I found the info, about the baby classes at the gym, by accident today, so I thought I’d write about it in case it helps anyone else. I need to get the bleepedy out of this house at least once a week before I go totally bonkers.
Today, actually, I’m in a better place than I am 99% of the time. Frankly, I’m almost never happy (understatement of the year) but I got in a few naps over the last two days. I really think just simply getting enough sleep has helped tremendously. I don’t feel like I’m going to snap or like I hate being a mother….for today at least. Tommorrow? Who knows…
I’m 30 years old. My son will be 6 months old next month. I just want to pull every single hair out of my head. He is ALWAYS crying. He NEVER sleeps anymore. He takes a nap for about 20 minutes and that’s IT. I never have time for anything!!!! Some days I don’t even have time to brush my teeth. I lost my job two weeks after I found out I was pregnant and still have not had any luck finding anything. Which of course now, when do I EVER have time to look for a job??? I’m single, so I do most of it alone. My mom comes to help me sometimes, but she can only help so much. Of course, I don’t expect her to.
I never wanted kids, ever. When I was a teenager, I wanted a hysterectomy so bad!!!! I NEVER wanted to be a parent. I feel like my life is completely over. I can’t take him anywhere or do anything. It’s not like I can play with him or at least run around in the yard with him, if nothing else. He just lays around and cries all the time. How do people do this??? Why do people do this over and over??? I don’t get it. I am miserable 99% of the time. I have never been this miserable and isolated in my entire life. My friends who have kids are happily married and they just LOVE their marriage and being a parent. My friends who don’t have kids have wonderful careers and interesting things going on with their lives. I have neither. I have absolutely nothing going for me. This just sucks! It sucks BIG TIME! I so can’t wait until he’s older, so we can at least run around and be active together, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to hold on to my sanity long enough.
I used to go to work, I would work out when I came home. I was in such awesome shape. I kept my hair done, make up on. I meditated and did yoga. I had so much inner peace and I had it all together. All of that is gone. It’s all gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever regain it. I’m this hollow shell of the bright vibrant woman with a promising future that I used to be. I’m a mess. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally…….I’m a MESS!!!!! I know it is not his fault. I was stupid one night and now I will pay for my stupidity for the rest of my life. His dad comes once a week and takes him for a few hours. Heh, must be nice to be a parent whenever it’s convenient. It’s just so unfair! We were BOTH stupid that night. Why am I the one doing all the suffering? He still comes and goes as he pleases. He goes out and parties with his stupid friends. I don’t want to party. I just want to be able to go out to the freakin’ mall or something every once in a while, without having to tug along a screaming banshee!
Sometimes I just want to either run away and never come back or I want to crawl into a hole and DIE! I mean, what do you do with an infant? Change their diapers, feed them? What else is there to do? Why can’t kids just be born knowing how to walk and talk. That sure would make things easier. He screams, I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I speak English, I don’t speak WAHHHHHHH! I do everything that I know to do and it’s still not enough! If I know he is not hungry or needs to be changed and I have done everything I can think of to pacify him, I put him in his playpen, put on my headphones, blast music and just let him cry. I don’t know what else to do! After you try everything, you have to tune out or you will go crazy…..well CRAZIER!! Sometimes I wish I could just die and start over with a new life. *sighs*
Sophie,
I have honestly felt everything you said. Especially, the paragraph that started with “I used to go to work….”
I could have written that paragraph myself.
For me, my daughter will be 8 months in a few days and it’s sooooooo much better than 6 months. I hope the same will be true for you. She grew up a little – and quit crying ALL the time. I got a little more sleep. That helped more than anything! I highly recommend sleep; however you can get it. I’ve also changed a little. I put on the music I like in the morning and sing while I feed her breakfast. It’s better than not getting to listen to music at all. I let her watch Little Einsteins as much as she wants which winds up being 1-2 hours a day. (I said I’d never let the TV babysit my kid. HA! I’d shave my head if it would pacify her for an hour.) I’ve bought every toy I can think of — bumpo seats, jumper, bouncer, swing, tummy time mat (looks like a surf board and works really well). You can get these things used for a fairly reasonable price. It alleviated her boredom and cut down on screaming in our case. I’ve also changed my expectations. I’ve accepted that she is a very verbal (screaming) type of kid. they told me this in the hospital. I’ve accepted that I’m not going to be fit, vibrant or in matching clothes with my hair, nails and makeup done for a looooooooong time. That was hard on me. I pretty much look like a bum all the time. I wonder if I’ll ever be the old me again. I have to admit, I don’t think so. But, right now, definately not. It’s a sad loss. It’s like the death of my old self and everything I knew about who I was, and liked, and how I wanted to spend my time. Gone. But, I keep minimum standards for myself. I will brush my teeth every day even if she has to lay there for a minute and scream while I do it. I will take a shower every other day (at least). I will go to important doctors appointments for myself. There are other things, I’ve had to let go though. I’ve not checked the answering machine in 6 weeks, for example, and haven’t called friends in forever. And, that’s just the tip of the iceburg. If it does’t relate to food, health, or sanitation, I probably won’t have time for it.
I’m trying to think of this as a challenge for all the meditation I did while practicing Yoga. (Yes, I did that too, just like you.) If I can’t remain calm in the middle of a storm, then what good was all the meditation? Every day I don’t lose it is an exercise in true meditation and is a success.
Good Luck with everything. And, I hope in my attempt to write back, I haven’t been annoying. I also hope that month 8 is better than 6 for you too.
Heather
I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad to have found this thread…
Can I add that being a Mother is sometimes lonely?…:( If I had a cheering section in my home, I think i’d be more patient, loving, kind etc…LOL
I LOVE my girls, but they can suck every inch of my life out of me. I often wonder if I have PMDD?
I have an amazingly supportive husband. He’s just the best thing ever, but he’s been gone due to an internship in New Mexico. It’s been extra hard this summer without him. I know there’s an end in sight, but it won’t make next month go any faster…
SIGH